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Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hello Kay! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "When Life Turns Upside Down" .


*Flower3* Initial Reaction: The first paragraph hooked me into this emotional memoir piece. I, too, am the eldest child and could immediately relate when you said, "I've always been the caretaker, the problem-solver, the perfect child, etc. I can't say that is a role that I have always relished, but it's the role I have forever played.


*Star* What I liked: I enjoyed the pace of this piece; the way it started in a conversational tone but picked up speed as the anger and injustice mounted. The pace followed the emotional impact of the story, and the two elements really seemed to feed off each other.

*Thumbsup* Great job writing this account in a way that presented the various parties involved in a clear manner. It could have easily become confusing to me, trying to keep track of the banks, former business partners, etc., but you handled it beautifully and I never stumbled over who was who.


*Idea* Suggestions: I found some sentences were a bit wordy, perhaps for effect, and could have been written in a more direct manner without compromising the overall voice. For example:

The woman who was his wife at the time is someone none of us ever managed to feel any connection with. -- This sentence could read stronger with a different approach: My father's current wife was someone we never felt any connection with.

And: On a day when Dad had felt well enough to leave the house with Mike to get soup from a nearby restaurant, Mike settled Dad in with his lunch and left for the shop with a promise to be back soon to check on him. -- This may sound better broken up, for example: One day, Dad felt well enough to leave the house with Mike and get soup from a nearby restaurant. Mike settled Dad in with his lunch and left for the shop, promising to be back soon to check on him.

Another example is: Mike drove Pearl the two hour trip to the hospital and after listening to her rage for nearly the whole time about the "new will your dad hasn't signed yet," he finally told her it wasn't the proper time to be talking about that and asked her to shut up. -- This sentence is wordy and would sound stronger and more direct if broken up into three shorter sentences: Mike drove Pearl to the hospital two hours away. He listened to her rage for nearly the whole time about the "new will your dad hasn't signed yet." He finally told her it wasn't the proper time to be talking about that and asked her to shut up.

*Check2* The injustice of the story's events and the anger you exhibit while relating them is evident, but bubbles over a tad in one place. Opening a paragraph with a phrase like, "Oh, and by the way" is unnecessary to achieve the emotional rise you are already getting from the reader.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops!: I only noticed a few things to point out:

Until the day almost three years ago when life as my siblings and I knew it ceased to exist and we found ourselves on a fast track to hell with no brakes. -- I like the imagery in this clause very much, but I don't think it is a complete sentence. This begins a new paragraph, and the one before it ended with: I was the stable one with all the answers. Yes - I am woman, hear me roar! I think simply changing 'until' to 'It all changed the day almost three years ago when...'

She fought for her life, Mike held on by his fingernails and Pearl and her lawyer continued to work their plan. -- This sentence popped out at me, and I've looked long and hard at it. I think, since this 'list' contains in fact three independent clauses, that semi-colons should separate them instead of commas.


*Flower5* I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It is evident it was written from the heart. I hope the process of giving the memories new life by immortalizing them on paper was cathartic and healing. Thanks for sharing, and best of luck to you!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .


*Thumbsup* Nicki

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Mood Indigo! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Last Drive to Huntley " :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Great story! It is tightly written, mechanically sound, and reads with precision pace. I really enjoyed this!


*Exclaim* What I liked: The strong voice of the piece made it easy and enjoyable to read. The main character is well portrayed, and so many of his thoughts and perceptions give him away as someone who is more conflicted than he lets on. For example, he is going to propose to Melanie, but it is clear he has decided to out of a sense of commitment or to make life easier than out of undying love: "A woman has all the patience of a traffic jam, and like a traffic jam, she will slow you down." --- "If Melanie is The One, and she insists that she is, then I want her to move to Weston, and then our commute will be her problem."

*Star* I thought it was creative how you used the conversation with the other motorist to fill in more details about the narrator and Melanie's relationship, and to offer the important physical description of Melanie and her hair.

*Star* I love the subtle foreshadowing in the opening paragraph: Spontaneity is a rarity for us, contingent on the cooperation of the weather and the fancy of every other motorist on the continent. *Thumbsup*


*Idea* Suggestions: I wouldn't suggest any changes to the story, because I thought it really worked as is. I think it would help the story, however, to double space between lines. Readability will improve when you do.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed no mechanical mistakes! *Cool*

*Star* Thanks for the engaging read. Best of luck to you in future writings.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello SoCal! In the spirit of writers helping writers hone their craft, I offer you the following review of "Another Day, Another Dollar" . I found your story featured in the Short Stories Newsletter.

[Comments following red check marks reflect suggestions based on my observations and opinions. Please use what you find useful and disregard the rest *Smile*]


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 4*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* You built a lot of tension into this story, making it an entertaining read. From the eerie, late night atmosphere described in the morgue, to the task of examining the bodies left in the wake of a madman's rampage that Carmen must complete, the suspense was thickly woven into the fibers of this story. I was engrossed through to the end.

*Thumbsup* The twist at the end, and Carmen's revelation as the last three bodies were wheeled in, struck a chord of horror and sadness in me. The story dared to go where I didn't want it to go -- I liked that! Nice use of the cell phone text messages to fill in important details to the plot.

*Check2* The beginning section introduced the POV, Carmen, and set the stage for the story, but I think the reader would be more soundly hooked if the most compelling sentences opened the tale. This is only a suggestion, but consider how the impact changes when some of the sentences are rearranged and the story begins like this:

It had been an uneventful night. The graveyard shift was always uneventful and Dr. Carmen Esposito hated being away from her family, but they needed the extra money. Worse than any of that, though, was how creepy the morgue got at night; just the bodies in the freezer to keep her company while the rest of the world slept.

Only two hours to go.

She tapped her fingers impatiently against her cold steel desk, watching the hands of the wall clock drag by with a painful, almost mocking sluggishness.

The ringing phone startled her.

*Check2* One other detail seemed to strike me as odd: ...she hated being away from her family, but they needed the extra money. -- It seemed odd that a doctor would need some extra money. Of course any scenario is possible, my brother-in-law is a doctor but has two $900k houses, three luxury cars, a boat, two kids in private school, etc.-- so he moonlights at another hospital for some 'extra cash' *Rolleyes*. I think a line or two that explains why the family needed cash would help the story without giving away too much detail or the twist.


*Note2* Characters: 4*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* I thought you did a nice job describing Carmen. She came across as a busy working woman who always had her family on her mind. The text messages helped her seem real and believable.

*Check2* By the time the fifth body was wheeled in, she was on autopilot... not thinking of the victims in front of her.. -- I think this section presented a missed opportunity to show, rather than tell, that she was on "autopilot," especially when it is revealed that most of the dead were young people. Perhaps describing her methodical movements or military-like movements lacking in emotion would bring this scene more to life.

*Check2* The ending felt less authentic than when I pictured the scene in my mind's eye. Although she is a trained scientist, she is also a wife and a mother, and yet her thought when pulling the sheet off the body was: He had stopped taking his medication. There was no other explanation for it. I would have liked to "see" more reaction from her, even if this was her first thought. And then the last two bodies... even a mother in shock would probably do something besides look around dazed.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Nice job with the mechanics of this story. I noticed no errors *Cool*.


*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed reading and reviewing your work today! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



*Flower5* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Shadi! In the spirit of writers helping writers hone their craft, I offer you the following review of "Flying Paper Airplanes" :


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 4*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* This is a heartwarming story that takes its time in developing the elements that make it engaging. The opening scene is masterfully crafted, and introduces the character, explains the conflicts he faces, and plants the idea in his head to borrow the paper airplane project for himself.

*Thumbsup* The beginning sets the tone for the piece, one of frustration and sadness with a glimmer of hope shining through. I was pulled into the story by your excellent writing style that used the story's tone to hook me and invite me deeper into the tale.

*Check2* Your writing is wonderful and richly descriptive, so I wondered why you didn't decide to explain what the wishes were he wrote on the airplanes, or the painful memories that surfaced during the cathartic ritual of making and releasing the planes. I would have enjoyed learning the narrator's back story; I think it would have really added a lot to the story.


*Note2* Characters: 5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Fantastic job with characterization. The discomfort the POV feels in the opening scene, and the actions he takes to move from one place, physically and spiritually, to another really shows more than tells what is going on with this character.

*Thumbsup* I loved this passage: The one memory began to trigger others. My mother appeared in my mind’s eye....My mother was the most innocent, however. She always resented the way my father treated me. Sometimes I thought that I might be able to forgive her. -- This brief glimmer into his past is so powerful -- it left me wanting more.

*Thumbsup* Here's another great example of show, don't tell descriptives that you do so well: My mind didn’t turn off with the light. I saw paper airplanes flitting through my hands, darting over my head. The voice repeated wish after wish. You wish you weren’t so pathetic and lazy and unambitious. You wish your parents loved you more. You wish you could find a girlfriend. You wish you could run faster. You wish bills would pay themselves and dissertations would write themselves. You wish your brother had never been born. -- *Left* That last line is so poignant. *Thumbsup*


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* This story is tightly written. Mechanically, the story is sound. Great job!


*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


I enjoyed reading and reviewing your work today! You have great style. Thanks for sharing your talent with us!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



*Flower5* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Huntington! In the spirit of writers helping writers hone their craft, I offer you the following review of "The Infinite Doorway" :


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 3*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* The opening paragraph offers a great deal of description for the story's setting, although where the setting is located is not revealed. Good use of sensory descriptives: The air tasted like chalk dust... The character is introduced, and the tone of confusion, effort, and conflict is evident.

*Check2* The opening paragraph also presents some confusing imagery. I immediately pictured a dark corridor (I entered the dark passage and felt melancholy choke my mind.), until I got to this line: ...slim, blazing, vertical line of white that stretched from the floor to the heavens. This suggested to me that he was in a room, and the only way to go was up. (It, like the walls beside me, rose to eternity, leaving no way out but onward. -- Onward, meaning upward?). But then, I took one scraping step. At my first reading, I doubted myself and again began to imagine a corridor with a white line running horizontally down the center. When I read through the story a second time, I decided the only important idea was that he was moving in one direction, toward the doorway, unable to go backwards. I suggest tightening up the description of the setting so the reader 'sees' the lieu and can feel authentically transported right into the story.


*Note2* Characters: 5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Great job expressing the frustration and fear the narrator is feeling. The rich, sensory descriptives you use really paint his emotional canvas well: My throat felt like a fish left in the beating sun; my hands like wax. Every step was a battle... Great writing here!

*Thumbsup* I liked the questions that a voice (God? The Devil?) kept asking him. It's interesting, because I didn't read the title description first, so I guessed that this was actually a birth, not a death. Those who subscribe to the philosophy that birth and death are a cycle often believe birth is painful and scary, and death is a painless, blissful release. I am left wondering if the Infinite Doorway leads to hell, since the journey is so unpleasant. (Or do you fear what lies beyond it?) I think a story that leaves the reader 'thinking' about it did something very right! *Wink*


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 5*Star*'s

“The, the doorway.” I grunted, resuming my grueling approach. -- Comma instead of period after doorway.


*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


I enjoyed reading and reviewing your work today! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



*Flower5* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there! In the spirit of writers helping writers hone their craft, I offer you the following review of "Stolen Moments at Cricket Lake" :


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Nice plot development in this piece. The opening paragraph introduced the character, his conflict and the story's setting. The transition into the plot was seamless, and the pace of the entire story was good.

*Thumbsup* You used the prompt words cleverly to build the details of the plot events. Thanks for highlighting them; for me that added to my appreciation of your creativity.


*Note2* Characters: 5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* The characterization of the POV was wonderful. You do a great deal more showing than telling when describing the narrator, and I especially appreciated the absence of physical descriptions which were entirely unnecessary in this story. When Mr. Skeeter asked, “Did the boy die?” I was surprised to learn the narrator's gender (I pictured a girl *Smile*) but it in no way took anything from the story; in fact, it added to it.

*Thumbsup* The most powerful description of the POV for me came when we hear this thought: I’m sure when she decided to be a mom she didn’t expect to get stuck with a imperfect kid like me. -- Great line!

*Thumbsup* I also enjoyed Mr. Skeeter's character. I immediately saw him as the elderly, misunderstood gentleman, and I loved that he was the one to save the boy's life. His question to the paramedics further endeared him to me.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 4*Star*'s

*Check2* Since this is a contest entry, here are my editorial comments:

*Bullet* I saw several mechanical problems in the opening paragraph which distract from the important information being offered there:

It’s where I sneak off to, when life is treating me bad. -- The comma isn't necessary after to.

Sometimes I lie on a blanket and write in my journal and other times I just sit up on that big rock just beyond the waters edge & try to figure out why some kids are born with birth defects and others aren’t. -- This sentence is too long, repeats the word 'just' two times, and uses a symbol for the word 'and'. I suggest a rewrite along these lines:

Sometimes I lie on a blanket and write in my journal. Other times I sit up on that big rock just beyond the waters edge and try to figure out why some kids are born with birth defects and others aren’t.

I mean, who decides something like that, God? -- This is a powerful sentence! But, it is too ambiguous written as is. It could be asking the question to God, or the question could be trying to offer a possible answer: God. If the question is being directed to God, I would take out the comma after 'that'. If God is the offered answer, I would write it like this: I mean, who decides something like that? God?


*Check2* Other editorial problems:

I was born with a heart defect and the doctors say that one day, without any warning my heart will just stop beating. -- I would surround the phrase, "without any warning," with commas. (If a phrase is nonessential, or could be removed and the sentence would still make sense, then the phrase should have a comma before and after it.)

...bigger than a grown mans head. -- grown man's head.

...Draven, a black bird I befriended years ago. I set up my easel, pulled out my supplies... -- The period after 'ago' should be a comma.

I dropped to the cool dark grass... -- Comma after 'cool'

As I smiled up at him my gratitude and final farewell I relaxed and closed my eyes. -- Comma after 'farewell'


*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


I enjoyed reading and reviewing your work today! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .



*Flower5* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Cissy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Abuse, My short story" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This is an emotionally powerful piece. I was drawn in immediately, and finished wishing I could put my arm around you and offer my support.


*Exclaim* What I liked: In true memoir form, you spoke from the heart and told the story with the emotions you felt, and feel, sprinkled throughout.


*Idea* Suggestions: I am sensative to the feelings of those who have suffered abuse -- I know first hand some of those feelings. My suggestion for this story is to dig deep and find the strength to define your abuse. I didn't know from the story what you experienced, except that from it you endured "bruises, broken bones, cuts, and everything else that came with it," -- It would have helped me sympathize more if I understood what "it" was.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed no major errors *Cool*.


*Star* I also know, from experience, the healing power of writing about the past. I hope you write more about what happened to you. Whether or not you share it with an audience of WDC writers or others may not be really important, but I encourage you to explore the pain through writing it down. I will help. Best of luck to you!


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review of The Cat's Meow  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi there! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Cat's Meow" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: From one cat lover to another, I can relate to all the points you make in this essay. Nice job portraying Princess in a way that brings emotion and description together, giving the reader a full picture of your lives together.


*Exclaim* What I liked: I enjoyed all three elements you use to create this essay: The image at the beginning, the body explaining your life with your cat, and the informational section at the end explaining the history of cats in America and the historical people who loved and hated cats.


*Idea* Suggestions: I think this essay would be stronger and more interesting to read if you wove the bottom section explaining the history of cats into the beginning section that deals with your experiences with Princess. I think a series of paragraphs, each making a broad point about cats followed by a narrow, life experience would build a great essay with high enjoyment and readability factors.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: There are some places where the writing could be tighter, particularly places where the often used word "always" can be eliminated or rewritten in a different way.

*Star* Overall, there are good bones here for a strong essay. Thanks for sharing!


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review of Malice Intended  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Joy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Malice Intended" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I was engaged from the beginning, and led by the nose down the wrong path by this clever, twisting story.


*Exclaim* What I liked: I made the assumption that the main character was a tourist, and every clue in the story backed up that conclusion until the twist at the end, when I realized that one detail that spun the tale on its head. When I went back through with all the facts, I saw how cleverly you wove this deception, and the enjoyment factor of the overall story doubled. Great job!


*Idea* Suggestions: There are a couple of places where I thought the past perfect tenses may have been better chosen. One example is: They shouldn’t be accepting guests here if a crime had been committed. *Right* I feel like 'a crime has been committed' works better here. Another example is: The police had found a footprint behind the bushes. *Right* Here, I think 'The police found a footprint...' is more direct without confusing the timeline of events at all.



*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Other than a few verb tense issues, I found the story's grammatic elements tightly written, especially with dialogue. *Thumbsup*


*Star* Good story, great twist. Thanks for sharing!


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review of Too Late  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Hyperiongate! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Too Late" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: For me, this story has it all: suspenseful plot, conflicted characters, and a strong voice. Great job!


*Exclaim* What I liked: Your ability to express ideas and descriptions through clever wordplay is evident throughout this piece. Some of my favorite examples are: Might as well end it here, he thought before quickly rejecting the idea, his fear of prison a distant second to his fear of death. --And-- Friendships and family trees across the country were shaking from this singular selfish event.

*Star* The use of the quotation prompt with the character of the little girl was brilliant, poignant, and heart-wrenching. Only someone with a heart of stone wouldn't have been moved by her character. *Thumbsup*


*Idea* Suggestions: None *Cool*!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I only noticed a couple of errors:

... to ashamed to make eye contact... -- to *Right* too

"a small doll in a ballerina consume" -- "costume"

"holding it to the little girls head" -- "girl's"


*Star* Excellent story! Best of luck in the contest!


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Michelle! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Wonder of a Smile" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This is a wonderfully heartwarming story. The plot unfolds at a nice pace and I appreciated the conflict each character faced. Nice job!


*Exclaim* What I liked: I have never reviewed a story with edit points included, so I don't know whether to include those comments here or not. I found them extremely helpful though with concentrating on each paragraph at time. Thanks for including them!

*Star* I really enjoyed the characterization of Amber and her mother. You did a great job describing them, and showing more than you told. *Thumbsup*


*Idea* Suggestions: (see edit points)


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Great job with grammar and punctuation, particularly around dialogue.


*Star* I thought your story made good use of the quotation prompt. Thanks for sharing, and best of luck in the contest!


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review of Viral Smiles  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Molly! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Viral Smiles" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This is an entertaining story and I was engaged from the opening paragraph to the last. Nice job!


*Exclaim* What I liked: As each incident deepens the defeat of the narrator, I felt my sympathy for her growing. I have had days like hers! I think the most misunderstood smile, (and funniest scene), was offered to the lady in the express lane -- adult diapers, oh no! *Laugh*

*Star* I really enjoyed the final paragraph, which tied into the opening paragraph beautifully and wrapped the whole story up with some wonderful humor to boot.


*Idea* Suggestions: I thought the story was well written. My only suggestion, since this is a contest entry, is to edit once more for punctuation.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: A few minor editorial comments:

I waved at Mr. Grammar, “Hello, nice morning, isn’t it?” -- I suggest either adding a dialogue tag (I waved...and said, "Hello..."), or replacing the comma after Grammar with a period.

"a big bright grin" -- comma after big.

"that innocent little smile" -- comma after innocent


*Star* Thanks for the entertaining read. Good luck in the contest!


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Kay! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "I've Got a Crush on You" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: An engaging read of excited anticipation, hope, and fear that hits home with a stong, slice-of-life flair.


*Exclaim* What I liked: I thought you captured the POV's feelings beautifully. I got a great sense of the emotional rollercoaster she was on. The voice had a strong, real sound to it. *Thumbsup*


*Idea* Suggestions: There were a couple of lengthy sentences that slowed down the pace. The two that stood out most for me were:

I sat through the class with the sly, secret knowledge that this man who took my breath away, this man who delighted me, this man, THIS MAN made a pass at me! -- The decision to write the sentence this way was a stylistic choice, so arguably should be left as is. However, I felt it was wordy and rough, which is why I am mentioning it. The repeat of 'this man' four times may be unnecessary, since there is great emphasis in the content of the sentence. And:

But, at the very least I could have him as a friend, if not a love interest, so I opened the email, already formulating in my mind the clever things I would say in response. -- This sentence is a bit of a mouthful, too. Since it contains two different thoughts (I may have to settle on just being friends; and, I will read it and say something clever), I think it would serve the paragraph to separate it into two sentences: But at the very least, I could have him as a friend, if not a love interest. I opened the email, already formulating in my mind the clever things I would say in response.

*Check2* I was left wondering what the 'joke' in the email was. I wondered if it was a typical forwarded message that typically circulate in email circles, or if it was a 'joking' mention of what had happened before the class. The ambiguity of the email left me a little unsure what was happening in the story.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: A couple of editorial comments:

It had to be an eloquently worded missive (for he was quite the wordsmith and oh God, how I loved his mind!) -- There should be a comma after 'missive', and a period following the closing paranthesis.

Arriving at work the next morning... -- 'Arriving to work'.


*Star* Overall, an entertaining short. Thanks for sharing!


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Judy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Something to Think About" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: The message in this heartfelt essay rings true for me, and being reminded of it often would benefit all parents and their children.


*Exclaim* What I liked: The organization of this piece works extremely well for delivering the message. The first paragraph establishes both your intention for writing the piece, and evidence of your experience and credibility. By the fourth paragraph, where the message is delivered, I was already convinced that I should heed your words. Great closing, particularly the disclaimer. Nice job!


*Idea* Suggestions: My only suggestion would be to put the motto, "Love More and Fret Less!" in the title, with "Something to Think About" as the sub-title.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed just two examples of the same error:

*Bullet* When you use double quotation marks, punctuation goes inside them with very few exceptions. So:

Instead of wasting energy, losing sleep and worrying about how John, or Susan, or Melissa "thinks", far more importantly... -- ...or Melissa "thinks," far more importantly...

"Love MORE and Fret Less"! -- "...Fret Less!"


*Star* In enjoyed this inspiration and relevant essay. Thanks for sharing!


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review of The Room  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Dmack! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Room" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: The premise of this story fascinates me, and I thought you executed the plot with delicious suspense. Great job!


*Exclaim* What I liked: The technique you used to show the reader what was really going on in the story was very smart. By breaking the story into three parts, and using Bobby as the POV in the first and third sections and Libby as the POV in the second, I understood what was going on in the scenario without you having to come right out and "tell" me. *Thumbsup*

*Thumbsup* I loved the analogy of the Bobby being locked in an unfamiliar room standing for the moments trapped in his dying body. You justified Libby's actions by the end of the tale in more clever "showing" moment that I appreciated very much.


*Idea* Suggestions: This is just a suggestion, just my opinion, but I think a logical sequence of events in the opening of the story would be: Bobby wakes up in a strange room, tries to leave and finds the door unlocked, goes to the window to try to figure out where he is, checks the phone on the desk then the desk drawers... With this in mind, I suggest moving paragraph number three before paragraph number two.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed only a couple of errors *Cool*:

According to his watch, it was six o'clock but was it morning or night? -- Remove the comma from its position after 'watch', and place it after 'o'clock'.

...machines that were forcing his heart to beat and his body to go on breathing. -- I suggest 'his lunges to go on breathing.'

"You're absolutely sure?" She asked... -- Lower case 's' for 'she asked'.

The doctor shook his head, "I'm sorry, Lydia, he isn't... -- Period instead of comma after 'head', since it is a sentence and not a dialog tag.

She leaned over and kissed him on the lips, "I love you, Bobby. I always will." -- For the same reason as above, period after 'lips'.

...and. suddenly the room was quiet... -- Extra period after 'and'.

...a bright white light... -- Comma after 'bright'.

...into the warm comforting light. -- Comma after 'warm'.


*Star* I really enjoyed this piece. The suspenseful way you wrote it grabbed me right away and keep me engaged until the last line. Thanks for the truly entertaining read!


*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of gasoline colors  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **



Hello flirtypete! In the spirit of writers helping writers hone their craft, I offer you the following review of "gasoline colors" :


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* I found this story intoxicatedly enjoyable, each sentence written with the finesse of a painter's brush stroke. The pace was perfect, moving along slowly to allow the reader to take all the imagery in, then picking up sickening speed by the last complete paragraph. Great job!

*Thumbsup* I found your choice of relating the story in the present tense to be interesting and, admittedly curious at first. Of course, by the end I understood the decision. *Wink*


*Note2* Characters: 5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* You did a great job with the characterization of the narrator. I appreciated the lack of physical description. You showed the audience the nature of his/her (?) affliction in a way that invited the reader to participate, interact, with the story.


*Note1* Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 4.5*Star*'s

*Check2* The tracks, once gunmetal blue, now turn to rust... -- 'now turned to rust'.

*Check2* ...curled over like piglets tails... -- 'piglets' tails'.


*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing your work today! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!

*Flower5* Nicki
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Review of Dead End  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hi Joy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Dead End" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I was intrigued from the opening of this story. I found it suspenseful in a traditional, detective story manner that I found very appealing.


*Exclaim* What I liked: I think the engaging nature of this story is due to the likable voice of the detective narrator. I enjoyed hearing his thoughts, his internal dialogue concerning his attraction to Marge, and his stoic, business-like style, all of which came through nicely.


*Idea* Suggestions: I strongly suggest converting this piece in its entirety to the past tense, and work in the perfect tenses where necessary. I feel that the timeline of this first person narrative would be less confusing if the detective seemed to be relating the entire investigation after its conclusion, rather that in a sort of present tense play-by-play. To illustrate how I believe this action will strengthen the narrative, consider this example:

[Original opening paragraph] I look at Marge, a pretty young blonde, telling me her story vividly. As she talks I imagine her in a paint-smeared coverall with a spatter of titanium-white on her right cheek, standing in the doorway of her grandfather's room. Should she check on her grandfather? No need to make such a fuss. The sick old man needs his sleep. She says the street quieted down after a booming sound, which distracted her at 2 a.m. Since it is late already, she decides to go bed.

[Revised using the past and perfect tenses] I looked at Marge, a pretty, young blonde, telling me her story vividly. As she talked I imagined her in a paint-smeared coverall with a spatter of titanium-white on her right cheek, standing in the doorway of her grandfather's room. Should she check on her grandfather? No need to make such a fuss. The sick old man needed his sleep. She said the street quieted down after a booming sound, which had distracted her at 2 a.m. Since was late already, she had decided to go bed.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Use commas to separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun. a pretty young blonde and the sick old man (The way I check myself is this: If you can reverse the order of the adjectives and the phrase still makes sense, then you should use a comma between them.)

*Star* I enjoyed this story very much! It gave me a lot to think about both plot wise and technically. Thanks for the good read!


*Flower3* Nicki
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hi Hyperiongate! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "First Things First" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Great piece of flash fiction. I loved the build-up, and the ending line. I stayed engaged through the whole reading *Thumbsup*


*Exclaim* What I liked: I loved the reveal of each item on the list. I particularly liked number three: Helen smiled to herself as even she could see the humor in the list with a reminder to make a list. Great characterization here, especially the following line which includes a little hook at the same time: She was in a great mood, better than she had experienced in years.


*Idea* Suggestions: It didn’t take a list to remember that tomorrow would be the 5th nor, more importantly, that yesterday was the 3rd. -- I think 'nor' should be reserved for sentences where 'neither' appears. In this case, I would go with 'or' instead. Also, I suggest spelling out the fifth and the third.

*Note5* Vegetables were brighter, beef was fresher and even a quart of Choc-Crunch ice cream made it guiltlessly into her cart. -- I would consider replacing 'were' and 'was' with higher impact verbs. Try, 'Vegetables looked brighter, beef appeared fresher...'


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I didn't notice any errors *Cool*!


*Star* I always enjoy your flash fiction contest entries! Keep up the great work!


*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of Almost  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo



Hello Jen! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "Almost" .


*Note1* Emotional Impact: In six simple lines you captured the essense of distrust and pain. Nice job!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I enjoyed the AB rhyme scheme of this piece. Despite the fluctuation of syllable count between seven and nine, the poem generally flowed nicely off the tongue. I think dropping "of" from this line would bring the longest line down to eight syllables and increase its readability: It almost slipped right out of my mouth


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: A lack of punctuation does not hinder the flow of this piece.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing this short and poignant poem!



*Thumbsup* Nicki
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hello ImpulseZip! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "Death and Cherries" .


*Flower3* Initial Reaction: You have a great storytelling voice and I thoroughly enjoyed "hearing" you relate the anecdotes in your amusing and comical tone.


*Star* What I liked: I loved each of the stories justifying the statement made in the opening paragraph: ...my point is this: There are certain smells that just don't go together. Each was told in a lighthearted manner that got more than a couple of chuckles out of me! There were so many funny moments, but I think my favorite line was this one: That smell is unmistakable to Stacey because she had a lifelong fear – I guano you not *Left**Laugh* – of bats eating her hair.


*Idea* Suggestions: I want to point out a problem I noticed in this piece regarding verb tenses. The story is actually a first person narrative in which the POV ("I", or the narrator) speaks to the audience in the present tense, and relates scenarios that have taken place in the past. So, the excerpts when "I" talks directly to the reader (mainly the phrase, but my point is this:; the lines, Let's look at another example. and This brings us up to today, or rather, this weekend.; and the entire last paragraph), must be written in the present tense. Everything else needs to be reworded so that it's told in the past tense.

Here's an example of erroneous verb tense shifts:

One Monday morning, as the San Antonio sun rose (past tense) and its light shown (past) through the garage and heated (past) up the bat condominiums, the unmistakable smell of bat guano reached (past) our cubes. That smell is (present tense) unmistakable to me partially because of my lifelong love of bats and partially because a close relative once opened a tub of bat guano in our sealed car. -- Don't shift out of past tense, use 'was' in place of 'is'. This anecdote goes on like this:

One quick call and one long wait later, maintenance shows up with an intelligent can of air freshener. Here we go again. Before I can stop him, he sprays the entire area. This time it's citrus-scented. "How's that!" he grins, like he just solved anything. "Great", I say, "I'm orangasmic with delight." He wanders off, the sarcasm still floating in the crowded air. Soon the spray combines with the reek of guano and I find myself in a bat-infested orange grove. Welcome to the dark side of the Sunshine State. Enjoy your stay. I recommend rewriting this in this way:

One quick call and one long wait later, maintenance showed up with an intelligent can of air freshener. Here we go again. Before I could stop him, he sprayed the entire area. This time it was citrus-scented. "How's that!" He grinned, like he'd just solved something. "Great," I said, "I'm orangasmic with delight." He wandered off, the sarcasm still floating in the crowded air. Soon the spray combined with the reek of guano and I found myself in a bat-infested orange grove, whose slogan would have been, "Welcome to the dark side of the Sunshine State. Enjoy your stay." -- Or something like that, you get the idea *Smile*



*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops!: I have a couple of editorial suggestions:

One spring, an egregious number of bats decided to roost in the concrete seams of the company's garage. The second floor of the garage to be exact, a matter of feet from my cubicle. -- The second sentence is actually a fragment, so I suggest one of two possible fixes. Either combine the two clauses and link them with a semi-colon, making one long sentence; or, make the fragment a complete sentence by including a subject and a predicate. (Ex: Their habitat's location was on the second floor of the garage to be exact, a matter of feet from my cubicle.)

...a water pipe broke in our yard and a section of the lawn was getting more than it's fair share of water... -- it's should be its.


*Flower5* Overall, this is an engaging and highly entertaining read. I thoroughly enjoyed it!


*Thumbsup* Nicki

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Review of LAVENDER SHORE  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello JC! After reading your poem "LAVENDER SHORE" , I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact: I love the descriptions of the Lavender Shore. The colors, smells and sounds entice the senses, and the journey to arrive there --
Fear not the squalls nor by tempests be shaken;
Be guided by the star that goes by the name of Hope. -- helps the heart understand its value, since enjoying most things of value comes with a price. Nice job!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I enjoyed the ABABAB rhyme scheme of this poem. I was somewhat distracted by the inconsistent syllable count of the lines, and thought the flow of this piece was interrupted especially by the lines with more that ten syllables. (ex. But there, amidst the lavender and wild honeysuckle, -- there are 15 syllables in this line. Perhaps simplifying it to 'Amidst lavender and honeysuckle,' and bringing the syllable count down to ten would improve the flow?)


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed just one error: Angel’s trumpets greet the jaded ear -- either Angels' trumpets, or Angel's trumpet


*Star* Lasting Impressions: There is a lot of beautiful imagery in this poem, and with a little tightening up with regard to syllable counts, I think its flow would match its beauty to yield a perfected piece.


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Review of She's A Rock  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo



Hello Pat! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "She's A Rock " .


*Note1* Emotional Impact: I loved this!! The message is wonderful, and I especially enjoyed knowing that it is a heartfelt tribute to your sister.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: The message was beautifully mirrored by using the form of the double nonet. You did a great job describing the dual nature of strength: ability to be the rock others cling to during trying times, and ability to weather any personal storm. Just beautiful!


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I found the punctuation aided the flow of this piece. No errors were noted *Cool*.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed experiencing this poem -- thanks for sharing your talent with us!



*Thumbsup* Nicki
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Isiterra! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Fairgrey the Furious" :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Great beginning of a story! I was engaged from the start, and was pulled right into the unfolding plot. It ended before it began, for me. I hope you plan to continue writing this story!


*Exclaim* What I liked: I was especially drawn to your characters. The characterization of Captain Patrick Fairgrey was excellent (beginning with his name), and I fell instantly in love with Charolette and Rosey. Your description of Rosey's entrance into the tavern was fantastic. My favorite line was: “Ye didn’t mean any ‘arm, I know. Next time there be no warnin’.” -- *Thumbsup**Thumbsup*


*Idea* Suggestions: Keep writing this story. You should consider a novella or a novel. I think the tale, told correctly, will be too big for a short story. Also, I wonder about this line:

He always respected her, and in turn he had amassed a rather large fortune from his dealings. -- There seems to be two unrelated thoughts in this sentence. Whatever the connection is between 'Patrick always respected his daughter' and 'Patrick had amassed a large fortune', I didn't understand it. Perhaps you could break these two thoughts into two sentences and elaborate slightly on each so that your intention is better expressed.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed just one minor editorial error:

“Ye must always ‘ave respect fer ‘er,” he would say of the sea, in his best pirate voice “fer she’ll turn on ye in a bloody second if yer not careful.” -- missing the comma after 'voice' that sets off the second part of the direct quote.


*Star* I really enjoyed this story! Great job with your style, character development and storyline. Please write on! *Smile*


*Flower3* Nicki
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Review of I Wonder  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hello Diane! After reading your poem "I Wonder" , I offer you this humble review.


*Note1* Emotional Impact: This poem launched so many feelings in me in such a short time that all I could do was read through it a second time. I think the lines that got me the most during the first reading were:

The bullets spun in the chamber
and this time, one had your name on it. -- Chills!

But the second read-through brought greater appreciation for these lovely lines: Our time together was over,
my dance card full. -- Great metaphor, Diane.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: This free form poem fits the emotion of the message; just as our thoughts come in bursts at moments of great sorrow, the lines flow with no regular syllable count or rhyme scheme. I think a wonderful project, though, would be to take this poem and reconfigure its lines with some rewriting to follow a metered structure of your choice. Perhaps the Rondeau form which has a "refrain" line that repeats at the close of each stanza. This could be a wonderful and powerful way to hone in on your line: What would have happened had I danced again?

Just a thought -- I have been enjoying learning poetry recently, so forgive my (overflowing *Bigsmile*) enthusiasm!! *Laugh*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I found the chosen punctuation aided the flow of this piece. Great job!


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I thoroughly enjoyed contemplating this poem, thanks for the great read!


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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hi! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Dream 1: She carries me." :


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I am so moved by this item, thank you so much for writing it and sharing it with us! It confirms so many of my beliefs, and I feel inspired and happy by it.


*Exclaim* What I liked: I wish there could be more communication between here and the afterlife, but I guess the purpose of living this lifetime would be compromised if we had more access to the other side. You were lucky to have been visited by your mother, and lucky to be a writer who could capture the 'dream' so vividly. Great job!


*Idea* Suggestions: None, this is perfect as is!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: No errors *Smile*.


*Star* Thanks for sharing this special memory!


*Flower3* Nicki
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