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Hi there! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Voiceless" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest .]
Initial Reaction: This story is based on a wonderful premise.
What I liked:
The character of Melanie is very interesting. Her physical descriptions draw me to her, especially the fact that she doesn't speak. The conflicts within her, stemming from the abusive past she doesn't really remember, make her story line possibilities endless.
I love this line: Her small stature spoke of nourishment her body had missed.
Suggestions:
I realize from the date this story was last modified that it hasn't been revisited in some time, but in case you ever decide to work more on it, I offer these few suggestions:
The facts that are revealed in this piece, the events leading up to the mysterious arrival of Melanie, the fact that she is physically able to speak, and the discovery in the old refrigerator, each need more room for development. I think readers would enjoy delving into more in-depth explanations for each of these points.
The opening paragraphs of this piece are told from the perspective of Aunt Bertha and Uncle Willy, then as the scene begins where Melanie is walking to town the POV shifts to her where it stays for the remainder of the tale. I suggest choosing one POV narrator and telling the whole story from that character's perspective. (Melanie seems like the most interesting choice, in my humble opinion )
I imagined Melanie taking the same route home from the store since no mention of an alternate route was made. I expected some trepidation or reaction to having to pass the refrigerator again, this time knowing what was inside it. It seemed unrealistic that she was thinking she wished she hadn't seen what she did, instead of worrying about seeing it again.
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
“It’s like God’s giving us a chance”, they would tell her... -- Corrected: “It’s like God’s giving us a chance,” they would tell her... (I suggest another edit looking for this type of problem.)
Sometimes Aunt Bertha would find her staring out onto the countryside, as if lost some memory. -- Is there a missing word here? "...as if lost (in) some memory" (??)
“We can’t always protect her, Bertha, he said.” “She’ll be alright. Just leave her in the Lord’s hands” -- Corrected: “We can’t always protect her, Bertha," he said. “She’ll be alright. Just leave her in the Lord’s hands.”
It had startled her so during the memory that had not realized the scream. -- A missing word here, too? "...that (she) had not realized the scream." (??)
“What’s wrong, honey?” he said with a smile, “cat got your tongue?” -- I suggest going with one of these two corrections: Either: “What’s wrong, honey?” he said with a smile. “Cat got your tongue?” -- OR -- “What’s wrong, honey,” he said with a smile, “cat got your tongue?”
I think this story has a lot of potential, should you decide to add to it one day. Thanks for sharing it!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Nicki
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