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Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



The following is a review of "Painful Lessons: A Narrative PoemOpen in new Window., submitted as Assignment (Week #) for the class Tuesday Morning Cantos offered through "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..



*Note1* Emotional Impact: Wow, wow, WOW! I've read through this poem twice, and the impact it had on me the first time through didn't lessen the second time, as sometimes happens when I know the poem's story and intent. Just the opposite was the case, in fact, as I drew in deeper every line eloquently describing the scene as it unfolded. The magic of this piece is the successful blending of reflection on the part of the narrator as he looks back at this painful time in his childhood, with the immediacy of the emotions as if the narrator were reliving each moment of the telling. The authenticity you created was astounding.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* This narrative told a heartbreaking story, and was wildly successful, in my opinion, at fulfilling the form's requirements.

*Thumbsup* Excellent job with the narration of this piece. The narrator's voice is strong and I believed with my whole heart that he was telling his own story.

*Thumbsup* The assignment asked you to incorporate the five senses into the narrative's imagery. You did this with expertise and effortlessness. I could see the vivid color of the boy's hair, smell the chalk, feel the sting of reddened skin.

*Thumbsup* I can't rave enough about this line:

Before the daily prayer and paper cutter cut, slice, slice, slice -- The repetition of "slice" reminded me of Sylvia Plath's work, and it was so appropriate in calling subtle attention to the narrator's pain as he recalls these memories. The sound of the line, its intention, and its position in the narrative all work beautifully.

*Thumbsup* My other favorite passage was this one:

Her black habit flailing like a witch in wind
I heard the haunting hit, one… two…. three…
-- What vivid imagery!



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Thumbsup* I liked your decision to center the text, and to use line-ending punctuation only where it was absolutely necessary to aid the stanza's flow.

*Check2* I noticed two shifts from past tense into present that you may consider changing:

Her dark bead eyes widen at me, -- widened?

-- And -- I don't know which it is; I probably never will, -- I don't know which it was...


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Your inspiration from the prompt "Betrayal" was fantastic: What's more confusing for a child than abuse... compounded by the fact that the adult abuser was a woman of the cloth? I am humbled by your talent, Noelle. Thanks so much for sharing it with us!



*Note5* Please continue to engage in the weekly discussion. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto CaféOpen in new Window.!

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki ~
Write, write, wrimo!


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Review of Betrayal  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



The following is a review of "BetrayalOpen in new Window., submitted as Assignment (Week #) for the class Tuesday Morning Cantos offered through "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The scene was well set and I was drawn into the shock and anger of the narrator's revelation. The immediacy of the emotional impact on the narrator watching the two betrayers was also apparent. I liked the final stanza when s/he recovered enough to find his/her voice.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* This narrative has a good story line, and the narrator's voice was strong.

*Thumbsup* By incorporating sensory details (sight, smell and touch, you added richness to the piece.

*Check* I thought the rhythm of this piece was strongest when the couplets within each quatrain contained the same number of syllables. For example:

In friendship’s disguise
Betrayal certainly hides
Their secret schemes
Their hidden dreams
-- Here, the lines in the first couplet have 5 and 7 syllables respectively, while both the lines in the second couplet have 4. If the first line also had 7 syllables, I feel the rhythm of the entire stanza may strengthen. To illustrate, I've added two syllables (these words are only a suggestion *Smile*):

A ruse in friendship’s disguise
Betrayal certainly hides
Their secret schemes
Their hidden dreams



*Note3* Punctuation/Grammar:

*Check* Their drinks hitting there mark -- "there" should be "their"

*Check* There were some shifts in verb tense in this piece. One example was:

They didn’t see me sitting there
It didn’t look that they’d care
They hide out in open view
Their affair wasn’t brand new
-- Since this scenario plays out in one moment of time, and the narrator tells of it in the past tense, I suggest the third line should read: They hid out in open view

*Check* For the most part, I liked the absence of line-ending punctuation; however, there were some places where I thought punctuation was needed. For example:

Of lying silent eyes -- need a comma after 'lying'

Grasping clutching gripped
No regard for heart ripped
How will it stay whole
His honest open soul
-- I suggest commas separating the words in the first line; and I think the fourth line would be more powerful ending with a question mark

My brother’s heart lies in Potters field -- If the field belongs to Potter, then you need an apostrophe in 'Potters', but if it is a place, then 'field' should also be capitalized (Potters Field).


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed this piece very much. The tone and emotion hit their marks and kept me engaged with the poem and sympathetic with the narrator. Nicely done!



*Note5* Please continue to engage in the weekly discussion. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto CaféOpen in new Window.!

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki ~
Write, write, wrimo!


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Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



The following is a review of "Ode to Lake of the WoodsOpen in new Window., submitted as Assignment One for the class Tuesday Morning Cantos offered through "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..



*Note1* Emotional Impact: What a beautiful tribute celebrating a place that brings peace to the narrator. I could see the lake's water, smell the clean air, and hear the loon's call carried on a breeze. This piece brought a sense of calm to my heart.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* You used "ode" in the title, satisfying the first requirement of the traditional ode.

*Thumbsup* Each stanza enjoyed a lyrical cadence to its rhythm. The unassuming rhyme scheme of lines two and four of each verse added to that lyrical quality.

*Thumbsup* The moments of alliteration and assonance were brilliant and further added to the rhythm. My favorite was:

With morning’s rise in mid-July


*Check2* If I may offer a suggestion: In the following line, the compound predicate distracts the rhythmic flow momentarily:

Diamonds waltz and gleam on gentle waves -- I suggest making "gleam" an adjective instead, which improves the flow of the line and creates a nice moment of double alliteration:

Gleaming diamonds waltz on gentle waves -- Just a suggestion *Smile*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed your ode very much! It's wonderful to be "working" with you, sis!!



*Note5* I will send you a private email on Thursday with your grades. Please continue to engage in the weekly discussion. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto CaféOpen in new Window.!

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki ~
Write, write, wrimo!


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Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



The following is a review of "Ode To A Working ManOpen in new Window., submitted as Assignment One for the class Tuesday Morning Cantos offered through "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..



*Note1* Emotional Impact: This ode is a wonderful tribute to iron structure workers. You captured the dangerous aspects of their jobs and the fearless defiance the workers embody every day they face those dangers. Loved the closing line!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* You used "ode" in the title, satisfying the first requirement of the traditional ode.

*Thumbsup* Excellent job creating a lyrical rhythm in this piece. You nailed another requirement of the ode: sing-song cadence.

*Thumbsup* The use of line-ending words really added to the poem's lyrical sound. Also, the internal rhyme in the first stanza worked very well (rough/tough/plus).


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I liked that you didn't include punctuation in this piece. The words create and guide the rhythm, and had you included punctuation I think the lines would have seemed end-heavy.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Great effort with this assignment! It's a real pleasure to be working with you!



*Note5* Please continue to engage in the weekly discussion. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto CaféOpen in new Window.!

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki ~
Write, write, wrimo!


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Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello!

I visited the "Contests" page and noticed your contest. You've found a unique and clever idea for prompts! I agree with your opening sentiments -- music is a powerful medium for moving up emotionally. Drawing inspiration for poetry from a song's lyrics is brilliant.

Great job with the organization and presentation of this contest. Everything is clearly explained and the prizes are tempting. Best of luck with this project!

Best regards,
~Nicki~
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Review of Storm In Me  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Noelle! After reading your poem "Storm In MeOpen in new Window., I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: I love the power of emotion is this piece. The photo prompt provided a perfect metaphor for the discontent and rage in a broken marriage, and I felt sympathy for the narrator who couldn't find her voice.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I loved the line ending words, because they could be read vertically in a way that cleverly reiterated each stanza's meaning. "Storm in me," "Me in Storm," and perhaps the one that emotes that raw feelings of rage: "In me, storm." Loved it!

*Thumbsup* I thought the last tercet was very powerful, especially line three.

*Check2* To hear your voice, it galvanizes me
Gallant as thunder din resounds in storm
I covet you like billows rolling in
-- Is 'gallant' here used in its noun form, or is it an adjective modifying 'voice/it'? I wasn't sure from the context, so I didn't know if line three meant 'I covet you (gallant: a man exceptionally attentive to women)' or 'I covet you (the voice he has but she lacks)'


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Thumbsup* Great decision to leave off line-ending punctuation marks which were not needed for clarity or rhythm.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Your poetry inspires me! I look forward to Love Reviews tomorrow!!



** Image ID #1408232 Unavailable **



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Review of Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Darikana! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "RainOpen in new Window..

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This piece reads with high emotion and suspense. Although it seemed more like a scene from a larger work than a short story, I was engaged through to the end and found myself wishing I knew more about the characters and their situation.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Great descriptive voice! I saw the rain, heard the baby cry, and easily pictured the setting.

*Thumbsup* The way you presented hints about the baby's mother increased the tension in the story. Lines like these added suspense: My daughter was sitting in her car seat just behind me. She was only 5 months old, but her mother… her mother. -- AND -- I brushed the bruises on her neck: five fingers. I cried myself to sleep.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I liked the opening sentences because they set an immediate mood for the piece. I suggest, however, taking out mention of the windshield in the first, since the next sentence talks about it:

The rain poured down onto my windshield as hard as ever. I turned my windshield wipers on as high as they could, but the water drops never moved away. -- Perhaps you'll consider:

The rain poured as hard as ever. I turned my windshield wipers on as high as they could go, but the water drops never moved away.

*Check2* There seems like a lot of story left to tell and I encourage you to expand this piece. *Smile*


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Bullet* I don’t know how, but I’ve stayed on the curvy road for the past hour since the last drop of light dispersed without a problem. -- Here, 'without a problem' is dangling at the end, making it appear to modify the light that dispersed. Moving the phrase will tighten its intended meaning: I don’t know how, but I’ve stayed on the curvy road without a problem for the past hour, since the last drop of light dispersed.

*Bullet* Travelling through the black rock mountains... -- Travelling should be Traveling.

*Bullet* There was a momentary shift in verb tense: I knew I just had to get away from it all… this force must be the reason I was doing fine. -- *Right* ...this force must have been the reason...


*Star* Thanks for sharing your creative talent with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

** Image ID #1408232 Unavailable **

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Review of Unwanted  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ink Blot Hall of Fame Open in new Window. (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot Author IconMail Icon


Hi Mari! Congratulations on winning the EA Poe package for placing second in the Peek-A-Boo contest! As part of your package, and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "UnwantedOpen in new Window..




*Note1* Emotional Impact: You capture the strong emotions of guilt and shame in this poem. The theme is so sad! Living with the knowledge that her birth caused her mother's death, the narrator makes a heart wrenching (for the reader) decision. Thought-provoking and deep, this poem will linger in my mind for some time.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* Great job maintaining the syllablic meter of nine per line.

*Thumbsup* The rhythm of this piece is wonderful and it flows effortlessly off the tongue.

*Thumbsup* The rhyme families you chose added to the rhythm of the piece. I liked the consonant (slant) rhymes in the last stanza.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I agree with your decision to leave off line-ending punctuation, which I think would have bogged down the lines without improving the flow in the least.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I have enjoyed reading your work today. Thanks for sharing with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Silenced  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ink Blot Hall of Fame Open in new Window. (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot Author IconMail Icon


Hi Mari! Congratulations on winning the EA Poe package for placing second in the Peek-a-Boo I see you contest! As part of your package, and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "SilencedOpen in new Window..



*Note1* Emotional Impact:

*Thumbsup* The tone and emotion of this piece were deep, dark and powerful. The narrator's story told of rejection, and her anger and hopelessness were palpable. Her final act was one of vengeance, and left me with a heavy heart.

*Thumbsup* I loved the title, and the color scheme of the text. Both added to the overall emotion of the poem.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* Overall, this poem has great rhythmic flow, particularly in stanza two.

*Thumbsup* The rhyme scheme was successful and added to the rhythm of the piece.

*Check2* I thought the third stanza was the only one that read a little choppy, perhaps because of the syllabic count per line.

A glistening blade,
clutched tightly, by a pale, weakened hand.
The colors shall fade,
never to come back, still you won't understand.
-- Here, the syllables are 5, 9, 5, 12. Perhaps if lines two and four were closer in syllabic meter, the flow would improve? I offer the following only as a suggestion, and feel free as the poet to disregard it *Smile*

A glistening blade,
Clutched tightly in pale, weakened hand.
The colors shall fade
forever, still you'll never understand.




*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Great use of punctuation to guide the reader across intended pauses and intonations.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your talent with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Something Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Ida Matilda! Congratulations on winning "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!

I'm reviewing this story today as part of:
Ink Blot Hall of Fame Open in new Window. (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot Author IconMail Icon


So, in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Something LostOpen in new Window..




*Note1* Emotional Impact: I can relate to the message of this poem! Coming back to writing after a long break from scholastic endeavors left me wondering whether I ever learned the grammatical rules I so desperately needed to know. Your eloquence in delivering this message was notable!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I found each quatrain refreshing and insightful. The creative musings here are wonderful. I especially enjoyed the fourth stanza.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Thumbsup* There were many questions posed in this piece that lacked question marks, but I think this was an interesting creative choice. It made me feel like the narrator wasn't questioning at all, but rather stating the obvious in her mind.

The poems cease to make since -- Was this an intentional typo driving home the idea that it doesn't make since -- sense?

Or is it a semi colon -- semicolon is one word


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Your creativity inspires me, thanks for sharing!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Dear God  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Ida Matilda! Congratulations on winning "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!

I'm reviewing this story today as part of:
Ink Blot Hall of Fame Open in new Window. (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot Author IconMail Icon


So, in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Dear GodOpen in new Window..





*Note1* Emotional Impact: This poem touched my heart because you so beautifully expressed the situation, and immense sadness woven with understanding permeated each line. I have a terrible relationship with my father, and wonder what I'll be feeling when he is on the brink of passing over. Will I cruelly hold on to the pain he's caused me, or will I forgive him? Your poem reminded me I have time to make things different now. Thanks for that.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* Free verse was a good choice for this piece, as each stanza reads like the thoughts rising in the mind of the narrator as she watches over her father.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

God I know that we all love him -- I suggest a comma after "God"

But Lord we refuse to come together -- I suggest a comma after "Lord"

*Check2* In the last two stanzas, you use "you" and "your" when referring to God, and I wondered if those possessive pronouns should be capitalized like regular pronouns used for God (He is risen, for example)?


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing this thought-provoking poem!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Audra! Congratulations on winning "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!

I'm reviewing this story today as part of:
Ink Blot Hall of Fame Open in new Window. (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot Author IconMail Icon


So, in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Jaycee's ImaginationOpen in new Window..



[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]



*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story gave me chill bumps!!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The pace of this short story was fantastic. The opening lines were smooth, but this one created an immediate tone of suspense: “I agree, Mommy. But Caleb’s real.” From that paragraph on, I read a bit faster to find out where the story was leading.

*Thumbsup* Great job characterizing the POV. In just a few short paragraphs I was able to understand the mother and feel a connection to her in her situation.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* “I agree, Mommy. But Caleb’s real.” It was stated as a matter-of-fact as she scampered out the door to play in the first snow of the season. -- Here, I think hyphenating "matter-of-fact" makes it an adjective, while eliminating the hyphens allows it to be a noun, a matter (of fact). Also, I suggest the flow of the sentence may be smoother if she states the line, then runs out the door:

“I agree, Mommy. But Caleb’s real.” It was stated as a matter of fact, then she scampered out the door to play in the first snow of the season.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

...throwing the snowballs at her and then “Caleb”. -- Periods and commas always go inside the closing quotation marks, even in this sentence.


*Star* Great piece of flash fiction! Thanks for sharing it with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Mitten Mayhem  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Audra! Congratulations on winning "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!

I'm reviewing this story today as part of:
Ink Blot Hall of Fame Open in new Window. (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot Author IconMail Icon

So, in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Mitten MayhemOpen in new Window..



[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Great job spinning this descriptive and emotional story in under 300 words!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Your use of dialogue to give each character a strong, unique voice was fantastic. I felt like I could "hear" each one, and through their voices I was able to conjure specific images of each one. I especially liked this line: “Hey, Fat Nat, look what I got,” Lauryn sing-songed. -- Both Natalie and Lauryn come into sharper focus with this simple line. Bravo!

*Thumbsup* I liked hearing Natalie's internal dialogue, and through her thoughts I felt a more intimate understanding of her (the POV) than the other characters.

*Thumbsup* The ending of this story exemplifies perfectly what I believe is the most effective way to close a story. I, the reader, am invited to decide what exactly has happened. The fact that Lauryn is now in possession of the mittens implies two possibilities: She may truly have found them and "made them cool" simply by wearing them, which should teach Natalie a lesson about peer approval; or, Lauryn saw Natalie ditch the mittens, and scooped them up as a new way to torment the girl, which would make sense because of this line earlier on: Lauryn and her groupies make enough fun of me. I’m not giving them more ammo. Either way, you allow the reader to participate in the ending as s/he decides what really went down. *Delight**Thumbsup* Well done!


*Idea* Suggestions: None! I loved this piece of flash fiction.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed no errors *Cool*


*Star* I've always been a big fan of yours, and this little short reminds me why! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Nymph Rhapsody  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo



Hello Ken! I wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "Nymph RhapsodyOpen in new Window..


*Note1* Emotional Impact: I can see how this image inspired you! Love it!! The personification of nature's sounds coming from these delightful nymphs brought a smile to my face, and I couldn't agree more with the message of the final stanza. My favorite lines from that verse, for their poignancy, are:

Their gatherings are smaller now, as the forests shrink.
As we encroach upon them, we push them to the brink



*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: Great rhythm and flow. I enjoyed the rhyme scheme. Everything is working in this piece. *Thumbsup*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Just one little oops:
They move to natures rhythms as they lovingly perform -- Missing the possessive apostrophe in nature's


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I celebrate Earth Day each year, and this poem puts me right in the spirit. Thanks for sharing it with us!



*Thumbsup* Nicki
Image #1417253 over display limit. -?-

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Review of Miss Fit  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Jimminy! As a judge for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window., and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Miss FitOpen in new Window..

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: There is a strong moral offered by the end of this story.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* A lot of thought went into Sarah, and the many aspects of her personality made her an interesting character. I liked learning that she was being raised by her father, that she was better adjusted and less turbulent in the country than the city, and that she had a penchant for the supernatural/occult. I would have liked more descriptive characterization of her, so that she became an even more rounded character.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I noticed the word "countryside" appeared five times in the first two paragraphs. I suggest working with synonyms such as rural landscape, non-urban area, forest, natural environment, etc.

*Check2* Watch for shifts in the point-of-view narrative. The story opens in third person limited with Sarah as the narrator (shown with lines like: Sara sat on the edge of her bed, staring out her window into the late night countryside, listening to the night sounds that seemed to speak to something deep within her. ) The reader should only know what is going on through the filter of Sarah's perspective, so "hearing" her father's motivation in this line represents a momentary shift in POV:

He was bound and determined to do whatever it took to make her well. -- To fix this, you could say: Sarah appreciated that her dad was bound and determined to do...

At breakfast, her Dad had fed her a cheese omelet. -- I know what is the context of this sentence, but what it actually says is the dad spoon fed her the food like one would for a baby. I suggest replacing "fed" with something like "cooked," "prepared," or "gave."

*Check2* I wasn't sure how catching and releasing the mosquitoes led to her understanding Hecate was the one calling her name? Perhaps I missed something in the reading, or there may need to be a couple more dots presented for the reader to connect.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Her Dad thought it was just the great outdoors that appealed to her... -- In examples like this one (of which there were a couple throughout the story), 'dad' is not a proper noun and doesn't need capitalization.


*Star* Interesting inspiration from the photo prompt. Thanks for your entry, and best of luck in the contest!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Wishcraft  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Hunter's Moon! As a judge of "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window., and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "WishcraftOpen in new Window..

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Fantastic writing! The descriptive quality of your style is wonderful.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Your ability to describe a scene or character is outstanding. There were so many gems in this short story, such as, "A cool pine-scented April breeze tickled her curtains causing them to squirm just like she used to do when she played with her father." and "The scent of perfume mixed with a faint trace of dinner was somehow as reassuring as her mother's words." -- just to point out a few!

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the organization of this story, which flowed nicely from beginning to end. The opening was engaging, the middle rounded out the story nicely, and though I was very sure the father would appear by the end of the story, I enjoyed the little twist concerning his entry.



*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* Each line of dialogue, however brief, should have its own line (or paragraph) because putting two speakers' words on the same line confuses the reader as to which character is saying what. For example:

Kathryn caught the bright sparkle of tears before they disappeared behind her child's small hands. "Honey, what is it" she asked? "Oh, nothing." -- There should be a double line break after 'asked?' so that Michelle's response, "Oh, nothing." appears on a line of its own. Also, there was a punctuation error in this sentence, so this excerpt should appear as:

Kathryn caught the bright sparkle of tears before they disappeared behind her child's small hands. "Honey, what is it?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing."



*Bullet* Another example:

"Do I have to?" "Come on. You know most of these kids and they'll listen to you." -- Here, Michelle speaks first, so Kathryn's lines beginning, "Come on. You..." should appear below it as a new paragraph:

"Do I have to?"

"Come on. You know most of these kids and they'll listen to you."




*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Not waiting for a reply, she continued "I miss him too." -- Missing a comma after 'continued'

...he needs to know we're here waiting here for him." -- I suggest eliminating one 'here'

"Look at that star," said her Mom. -- Missing 'she' before 'said'

...until the voice of her Mother broke into her reverie. -- In this sentence, 'mother' isn't a proper noun and doesn't need capitalization.

...to keep the little ones in something like line... -- Missing 'a' before 'line'



*Star* Great use of the picture prompt for the story's inspiration. I enjoyed your entry -- best of luck in the contest!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Jaye! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Gateway to the StarsOpen in new Window..

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This sweet story hooked me from the first sentence and kept me engaged to the last.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The descriptions of the settings (under the porch and at the swing) brought me right to those places, and through your writing I felt as if I could see them perfectly in my mind's eye.

*Thumbsup* There is a wonderful sense of authenticity in this piece, especially in the role of a little girl in the time period unable to play with the boys, and in the rich dialogue that really sounded like the characters were speaking out loud. Nice job!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* Well, nothing that got my curiosity worked up faster than knowing that there was a surprise in the works and my not knowing what it was. -- I suggest eliminating non-essential words in this sentence to make it more concise and smooth. Perhaps: Well, nothing worked up my curiosity faster than knowing there was a surprise in the works and not knowing what it was.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Since a little sister seemed to be out of the question and not up for discussion; I was forced to entertain myself... -- This semi-colon should be a comma because the first clause is dependent.

As we neared the tree line, he stopped waved his arm toward one particular tree. -- Is there a missing word (and?) after 'stopped'?

Shining steel cables emerged from each of the holes up and up, for what seemed like a mile to me, and was securely fastened around a branch nearly as big as my body. -- 'was' should be 'were' (steel cables...were fastened)


*Star* It's always such a pleasure to read your work, Jaye. Your style is fantastic; thanks for sharing!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of A CROSS TO BEAR  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Countrymom! After reading your poem "A CROSS TO BEAROpen in new Window., I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The message of this wonderful poem is relevant and true. Perfect for the Easter season, and appropriate every other month of the year.

I love these lines in particular:
His cross was heavy, still He tried
to make His way known before He died,



*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The rhythm is lovely in this piece, and the rhyme scheme adds to its flow. I liked that the last stanza repeated the first, giving a full-circle feel to the poem.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

as He made his way to Calvary. -- 'his way' should be 'His way'


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your talent with us!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Voiceless  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi there! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "VoicelessOpen in new Window..

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story is based on a wonderful premise.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The character of Melanie is very interesting. Her physical descriptions draw me to her, especially the fact that she doesn't speak. The conflicts within her, stemming from the abusive past she doesn't really remember, make her story line possibilities endless.

*Thumbsup* I love this line: Her small stature spoke of nourishment her body had missed.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I realize from the date this story was last modified that it hasn't been revisited in some time, but in case you ever decide to work more on it, I offer these few suggestions:

*Bullet* The facts that are revealed in this piece, the events leading up to the mysterious arrival of Melanie, the fact that she is physically able to speak, and the discovery in the old refrigerator, each need more room for development. I think readers would enjoy delving into more in-depth explanations for each of these points.

*Bullet* The opening paragraphs of this piece are told from the perspective of Aunt Bertha and Uncle Willy, then as the scene begins where Melanie is walking to town the POV shifts to her where it stays for the remainder of the tale. I suggest choosing one POV narrator and telling the whole story from that character's perspective. (Melanie seems like the most interesting choice, in my humble opinion *Smile*)

*Bullet* I imagined Melanie taking the same route home from the store since no mention of an alternate route was made. I expected some trepidation or reaction to having to pass the refrigerator again, this time knowing what was inside it. It seemed unrealistic that she was thinking she wished she hadn't seen what she did, instead of worrying about seeing it again.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

“It’s like God’s giving us a chance”, they would tell her... -- Corrected: “It’s like God’s giving us a chance,” they would tell her... (I suggest another edit looking for this type of problem.)

Sometimes Aunt Bertha would find her staring out onto the countryside, as if lost some memory. -- Is there a missing word here? "...as if lost (in) some memory" (??)

“We can’t always protect her, Bertha, he said.” “She’ll be alright. Just leave her in the Lord’s hands” -- Corrected: “We can’t always protect her, Bertha," he said. “She’ll be alright. Just leave her in the Lord’s hands.”

It had startled her so during the memory that had not realized the scream. -- A missing word here, too? "...that (she) had not realized the scream." (??)

“What’s wrong, honey?” he said with a smile, “cat got your tongue?” -- I suggest going with one of these two corrections: Either: “What’s wrong, honey?” he said with a smile. “Cat got your tongue?” -- OR -- “What’s wrong, honey,” he said with a smile, “cat got your tongue?”



*Star* I think this story has a lot of potential, should you decide to add to it one day. Thanks for sharing it!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Mr. Zanorskii! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Grandfather ClockOpen in new Window..

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story has an intriguing premise, and my attention was held through to the (maddening *Wink*) end. *Smile*


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The history of the clock told through the musings of the narrator was interesting to read and I shared the narrator's contemplation of each time period.

*Thumbsup* I liked the descriptive nature of this piece.

*Thumbsup* These are great lines which change the tone of the story immediately and heighten the tension: It could be the sound it makes when the pendulum swings. You might even mistake that sound for a laugh.


*Idea* Suggestions: The beginning of the story appears in present tense, but shifts to past tense with the paragraph "With all of my speculating, I still could not say for sure what secret that clock held." I suggest shifting the entire story into past tense, because I think it would read stronger.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Nothing exciting, except for the clock; -- The semi-colon should be a period.

The swinging of it's pendulum will echo through the dark... -- it's should be its

Or maybe, it's the tarnished pendulum... -- Remove the comma after "maybe"

...and laughing almost, to nearly hear it say; -- I think a colon is more appropriate than a semi-colon in each of this situation in your story.

"the never-ending relentless pounding of that force" -- insert a comma after "never-ending"


*Star* Thanks for sharing your talent with us!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of October  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
For SP & RISING STARS Reviews.


Hi IdaLin! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "OctoberOpen in new Window..

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Although this article relates to October, I found it a great read and now look forward to that month when I can celebrate all the wonderful holidays you highlighted!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I had no idea there were so many fun, non-traditional holidays to spice up October. Fall is my favorite season, and my birthday is the 3rd (another fellow Libra!), so I'm putting this article in my favorites to reference when October comes around again.

*Thumbsup* Your conversational tone made this article a real pleasure to read. I especially appreciated your humorous asides in the paragraph beginning, "Finally, there are the silly, but nonetheless real, holidays...

*Thumbsup* An article should have a "call-to-action" for its readers, and yours contains several. I thought this was great to include in the section about the various health-related holidays: Perhaps you want to lend a hand and support one of these causes or another health-related issue, or just do something for yourself and get a checkup if it's been a while. Screening saves lives, maybe your own.

*Thumbsup* I really liked the e-bay pop-note -- how did you do that?


*Idea* Suggestions: I enjoyed clicking on the footnoted links to read up more on the various holidays. I wondered why some items were footnoted and others were not? The link is wonderful at the bottom for the fantastic website where an extensive list of October holidays can be found, but the items without footnotes seemed to carry less importance somehow next to the ones with links. I suggest looking for sites with pertinent information for each holiday, so that this article is as packed full of helpful resources as possible.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

...and Nepalese Diwali, (28th) or "Festival of Light", to celebrate the good and evil in everyone. -- Here, the comma that follows "Diwali" (and the footnote) should be moved to the position after "(28th)"; and, the comma following "Light" should be inside the closing quotation marks.

It's a pretty substantial holiday in it's own right... -- it's should be its


*Star* I'm so glad I came across your tightly written, informational and entertaining article. Thanks for sharing!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..

*Flower3* Nicki
Image #1417253 over display limit. -?-

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Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Ben! After reading your poem "Beside Quiet WatersOpen in new Window., I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The spiritual nature of this piece is beautiful and uplifting. Great use of the photo prompt for inspiration. I especially enjoyed the section with the shepherd, and thought the imagery added greatly to the idea of gentle and peaceful guidance.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* Great job with the Nove Otto. The rhyme scheme was spot on and all the line ending words were true rhymes.

*Thumbsup* Although the requirement is eight syllables per line, I don't think the Nove Otto insists on any other meter. However, I thought your use of iambic tetrameter was an excellent choice and the rhythm of this piece is outstanding and beautiful.

*Check2* The only line that jumped off the page and didn't seem as lyrical as the others was this one: My heart feels it must break in two -- There are eight syllables so the problem isn't there... perhaps it's because each word in the line is a one syllable word? When I read the line the first time, I automatically put emphasis on "My." That, I think, threw off the iambic meter for me. When I went back and read it, intentionally un-stressing the first word, the rhythm fell into place.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Check2* Then ‘cross the field a shephard walks, -- "shephard" should be "shepherd."


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I really enjoyed this, Ben. Your talent always inspires me! Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest *Smile*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..


Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Loves Burden  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Challenged! After reading your poem "Loves BurdenOpen in new Window., I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: You captured the conflict encountered when love, or perhaps infatuation, lures a person off his path or throws into question which path is the right one. Nice job!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I liked the arrangement of this piece, with couplets interspersed with single lines. This decision helped the single lines enjoy more emphasis.

*Thumbsup* I loved the last line -- very poignant!

*Check2* You maintain eight syllables per line except the first line of the second couplet, which has nine. The extra syllable throws off the rhythm for a moment. A simple fix would be to eliminate "My." Also, "vs." would look better if it appeared spelled out, and there are some punctuation issues. I suggest these changes:

My head vs. heart which one is right -- *Right* Head verses heart, which one is right?



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed a couple other problems:

Back or forward surface or depth -- I suggest separating these ideas with a comma after "forward."

Be still to thy own self be true -- *Right* Be still; to thine own self be true

This step will than burden the rest -- "than" should be "then"


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your creativity with us!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of THIRST  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Joy! After reading your poem "THIRSTOpen in new Window., I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The writer and the reader in me cheered at your words! I especially agree with the poignant message of the closing stanza. Beautifully written, Joy.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the rhythm of this free verse poem. I found it flowed like the narrator's thoughts, strong and confident.

*Thumbsup* The imagery used added impact to the moment, especially the metaphor of the rodeo, and the mention of trash bins and landfills.

*Thumbsup* Great job choosing line breaks to add emphasis and dictate the flow.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I liked that many of the lines were not capitalized. Great use of sparse punctuation to guide the reader only when necessary.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..


Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Returning Hues  Open in new Window.
Review by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
For SP & RISING STARS Reviews.


Hello Noelle! After reading your poem "Returning HuesOpen in new Window., I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: This sweet poem reminds me of the last days of winter when the sun proceeds the warmer weather, and all we have is a promise that spring will come. Great use of the photo prompt.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* For the most part, the iambic meter was achieved.

*Check2* The first line of the poem has nine syllables. I suggest this easy fix:

A flood of light on ashen blossom -- *Down*

A flood of light on ashen bloom

*Check2* This section is a little rough sounding:
But that warmth of springtime sun
Uplifts my drowsy spirit and
Then soon will nature’s hues return
-- Perhaps something like this may smooth it out:

Insipid sky yield springtime sun
Uplift my drowsy spirit and
Allow rich nature’s hues return
-- Just a suggestion *Smile*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors here *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Your creativity shines in all your work! Thanks for sharing!!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..



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