Hello Sherri! After reading your poem "HE WATCHES" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
This poem reads like a prayer, and offers the same peaceful reassurance that comes with prayer.
Effectiveness of Form:
The assonance in the first couplet with the words 'holy' and 'devoted' lent a nice, lyrical tone to that stanza.
Punctuation/Spelling:
Twice I wondered if a comma should be inserted to help the reader mark the pause that is necessary for the meaning of the line to come through. The lines in question are:
Absolution God extends freely -- Comma after 'absolution'?
Salvation our reward for believing -- Comma after 'salvation'?
Empty is the soul without his presence -- "his" should be capitalized since it is referring to God's presence
Lasting Impressions: This is another example of your creative talent!
Hello Sherri! After reading your poem "ENCHANTRESS" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
I enjoyed the theme of hope, and a world where hatred is unknown. It struck me that this poem has decidedly feminine characteristics, from its main character who is a goddess-like enchantress, to the rose font and images. War and hatred, to me, are masculine in many senses, although that is not to say women don't contribute to both. I felt moved, however, by the notion that a female entity could understand the promise of a world where war is eradicated, and peace replaces hatred in our hearts.
Effectiveness of Form:
Both read silently and aloud, this poem enjoys a nice rhythmic flow.
The imagery in this poem brings its message to life. I especially enjoyed the closing lines:
A single star shines brightly where she once was.
She rides the wind again in search of her dreams. --
I wondered if the sound of the following line would improve if the phrase 'into her arms' were replaced by 'in her embrace', as "embrace" is assonant with "heartache":
as she wraps you into her arms to ease the heartache. -- as she wraps you in her embrace to ease the heartache.
Punctuation/Spelling:
The following is just a suggestion:
Her heart always open for those wanting in. -- Her heart's always open for those wanting in.
Lasting Impressions: I am enjoying your poems very much! Thank you for sharing your creativity!
Hi Sherri! I am so very sorry it has taken me this long to deliver your auction prize -- I don't even know now from which auction you won! With my deepest apologies, I offer this first of five reviews. The following comments for "BUTTERFLY WINGS" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction:
The hope in this lovely poem that the world can be healed is offered in the form of a delicate, magical creature -- one symbolic, perhaps, of the key to hope: belief.
What I liked:
The overall appearance of this piece works with the message to soothe and inspire. I liked the calming, pastel images and the cool indigo font. All the elements worked together to deliver the positive, emotional impact.
Suggestions:
I have no suggestions, really. I thought the rhythmic quality of the last stanza was the most successful on the first read-through; I found a nice rhythm to stanza's one and two once I'd read through them more than once.
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
I noticed no errors!
Thank you for sharing your creative talent with us! I look forward to reviewing four more items in your port!
Hello Carol! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "The Coffee-Pot Caper" .
Initial Reaction:
The timing and pace of this entertaining piece were right on! I enjoyed every word, and laughed out loud at the final paragraph. Nicely done!
What I liked:
The slice-of-life tone to this piece made it a true pleasure to read. I could relate to every moment.
I really liked the conversation between husband and wife. My favorite line in that section was: He looked at me as though I'd decided to run for president.
The last lines were priceless -- You revealed the answer to the mystery with perfect wording and timing. I was waiting for it, and when it came I wasn't disappointed!
Suggestions:
This comment reflects my own personal writing pet peeve, so I offer it only as a suggestion that you should feel free to ignore. In the following line, you have the word 'things' twice. It is by no means an error, just something that jumps out at me:
A scrumptious dinner would let him know that these little things will not affect the grand scheme of things. -- I suggest a synonym for the first ‘things’, for example:
A scrumptious dinner would let him know that these little incidents/episodes/events will not affect the grand scheme of things.
Punctuation:
In this line, the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized:
“Fine!” He shouted back. -- “Fine!” he shouted back.
I really enjoyed this piece. Congrats on the well deserved recognition of Best of Rising Stars! Write on!
The following is a review of "Cardboard box" , submitted as Assignment Three for the Poetry Basics & Beyond class offered through "Invalid Item" .
Emotional Impact: You captured with naked sensibility the humiliation and helplessness of living on the street. Two moments that were particularly poignant were: Our frustration on display -- AND: Shoe-string living in our shame -- these lines really spoke to me.
Effectiveness of Form: Overall, your Tanka was well written.
The sound devices you incorporated brought rhythm and resonance to the piece. I liked the repeat of [b] sounds, and the alliteration of [s], [st] and [sh] sounds.
There were several lines that didn't adhere to the strict guidelines governing the Tanka form with regard to syllabic count per line. A Tanka stanza should have syllables 5,7,5,7,7 per line respectively. For the most part yours did, except for the following variations:
Shivering to the bone -- There are six syllables here instead of five.
Society cast away -- Here there are seven instead of five syllables.
Soon we will need hospitalization. -- Instead of seven syllable there are ten.
Confrontation not rewarded -- Here there should be seven syllable but there are eight.
When in doubt of how many syllables a word has, I use http://www.dictionary.com. When you plug any word in that site's search engine, it comes up along with all the past tense forms of the word separated into syllables.
Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors in these areas!
Lasting Impressions: Thanks so much for sharing your talent with us!
The following is a review of "Reaper" , submitted as Assignment Four for the Poetry Basics & Beyond class offered through "Invalid Item" .
Emotional Impact: This dark poem uses strong, descriptive nouns and verbs to develop a sense of foreboding and helplessness.
Effectiveness of Form: Your tanka overall was very well written.
Many of the lines flowed beautifully with effortless rhythm, particularly those in the second stanza. Line two of that stanza was one of my favorites.
Nice job exploring the poetic devices outlines in Lesson Three. I noticed several moments when alliteration added to the sound of the piece. My favorite moment of assonance was the vowel rhyme in this line: Your time confined...
One of the strict guidelines of the Tanka form of poetry is the syllabic count of each stanza. For the most part, your poem followed the criteria of 5,7,5,7,7 syllables per line respectively. However, there were the following variations:
Certain true facts, -- Four syllables instead of five
Unable to turn back, -- Six syllables instead of five
our reaper draped in black. -- Six syllables instead of seven. (Here, you may have counted two syllables for 'draped', but in fact there is just one.)
Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors in these areas.
Lasting Impressions: This was a great effort! Thanks for sharing your creativity with us!
Hi Joy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "How Giving Thanks Became a Holiday" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction: This article is polished and professionally written.
What I liked:
I thought you incorporated many varied angles allowing the reader a well-rounded explanation of the origins of the Thanksgiving Holiday.
I particularly enjoyed the discussion of how "pilgrim" became part of our lexicon.
Suggestions:
The quick increase of the colonist population in New England led to tension and wars. -- "quick" seems an unlikely modifier for this sentence. I suggest perhaps, The rapid increase in the colonist population of New England led to tension and wars.
It was evident that some research went into the writing of this article. I would be a nice touch to include footnotes or a section of references for those who are interested in reading more about the subjects you talked about.
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
Extra word (the): The Wampanoag, the indigenous people of the New England...
The following is a review of "What I see" , submitted as Assignment One for the Poetry Basics & Beyond class offered through "Invalid Item" .
Emotional Impact:
Through the words of the narrator, I felt an emotional connection to the other character. The sadness and hopelessness of that person filtered through the narrator in such a way that I shared the narrator's feelings, and wished the joy brought to that person could have been for more than one night.
Effectiveness of Form:
I loved the refrain you created in this free verse poem. It was very effective when you reversed the subject from "Your" to "My" in the second refrain repeat, sharing with the reader the narrator's sense of regret.
Punctuation/Spelling:
under the black starless sky, -- I suggest using a comma between black and starless.
Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your assignment with us!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Invalid Item" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
There was a tone of disillusionment to this poem that sounded genuine and real; a stark admission by the narrator that in this moment of time, reality wasn't matching the dreams of youth. The feeling was well conveyed that one reaches a point in life when the honest truth that you can't run back in time feels like a trap for the soul. Nostalgia brought the narrator sadness, and a sense of lost hope rang clear through the piece.
Effectiveness of Form:
I enjoyed your use of allusion in this piece. The references to Jerry Garcia, Dionysus and Kenneth Kesey were effective in helping the reader identify with the narrator's frame of mind, and summarized broad, complex ideas or emotions with quick, powerful images.
The only problem I found with this piece was the way the line breaks sometimes left the stanzas a little choppy to the ear. This may have been how I was reading it, and the effect could be argued to add to the disillusioned feeling of the narrator. I found myself re-reading lines though, in an effort to take in the meanings in fluid thoughts that didn't come to me with the first reading.
Punctuation/Spelling:
I saw no errors in these areas!
Lasting Impressions: It has been my pleasure to read and review your work. Thank you for sharing your creative talent with us!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Invalid Item" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
The premise of this poem touched me when I read the title description. The poem itself delivered the goods -- It stirred my soul to read through, right to the sweet-spoken closing line.
Effectiveness of Form:
Excellent use of line breaks to bring the reader gently through the piece. The rhythmic sound of the poem was beautifully crafted by stringing alliterate, consonant and assonant words together. This was a real joy to read!
Punctuation/Spelling:
I have one suggestion regarding the closing couplet:
Your voice drawls seventy-ish as it should.
" I love you honey, now you be good.". -- This may look and read stronger written like this:
Your voice drawls seventy-ish as it should,
"I love you honey; now you be good."
Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing this touching poem with us!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Invalid Item" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
Anyone ever in a family knows the frustrating pain of conflict, especially when (every)one is being dysfunctional. There were several ways you captured the emotional impact of these feelings:
First, you chose to convey this piece in present tense, making it real and immediate for the reader. Had you chosen past tense, I think the reader would have identified with its meaning on a different and less stinging level.
Also, there was a piercing power in your word choices that deepened the impact of the poem. Using "dogs" instead of family members was poignant, and describing the discussion with this descriptive was genius: I am on the table for execution tonight.
Finally, this language was very telling of where the narrator was in her heart, as well as her take on the dispute:
You say and you say and you say
that you don't feel resolved in your conflict with me. -- 'your conflict with me' was most intriguing and added greatly to the strong undertones of this piece. Great job!
Effectiveness of Form:
I thought everything about this poem's free form worked to deliver the message and emotional impact of the piece. It was straightforward, angry, and didn't need rhymes or devices to do the work.
Punctuation/Spelling:
My only suggestion would be to incorporate punctuation into the following line to add to its impact:
I think but don't say the Rhett frankly dear. -- I would try this out: I think, but don't say, Rhett's "Frankly, dear..."
Lasting Impressions: Your ability to impact the reader emotionally shines in this piece. Thanks for sharing!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Invalid Item" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
The image of the Alzheimer patient, trapped in the cruel clutches of the disease, is painful to imagine. To picture the patient robbed of his musical genius, or any gifts that defined him as a person, is crushing. But the last line of this poem stands defiant and powerful. "Nothing can take what I'm about." I wanted to cheer for him!
Effectiveness of Form:
Your ability to create sound rhythm shines again in this piece. This line stood out as a perfect example of your talent:
Comes a mad muse to candle mind... --
Punctuation/Spelling:
Mozart happy - oblivious to pee and context; -- Since the line following this is not a complete sentence, I suggest using a comma instead of a semi-colon.
"Nothing can take what I'm about.". -- You have an extra period following the closed quotation marks.
Lasting Impressions: I am enjoying your work very much! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!
Hello Brenda! After reading your poem "Invalid Item" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact:
The language you employed to create the tone of this piece was successful on so many levels. I sensed the feelings of sadness and loss; loss of a person passed on mingled with the sad frustration that the memories were less crisp as time wore on. I imagined the scene of a woman spending a solitary moment in a quiet shed, letting the abandoned fishing gear urge the memories into sharper focus. This piece was melancholy and beautiful, and profoundly thought-provoking.
Effectiveness of Form:
I enjoyed this free verse poem very much. The rhyme scheme was unassuming and lent a gentle cadence to the stanzas. I thought it was particularly clever how you opened the poem with one line set apart; yet you rhymed its line-ending word "red" with the second to the last word in line one of stanza one, "shed." This rhyme jumped out at me and set the pace for the rhymes that followed.
One of this poem's greatest strengths is its use of sound devices to create rhythm. I enjoyed the alliteration and assonance very much. Some of my favorite "sound" moments were:
(many Blue's biting days fused) -- Sounds great, and:
clearing Euclidean space I came -- Wonderful use of alliteration [clearing and Euclidean] and assonance [space and came]. Very rhythmic!
the coffret of my brother's shed -- Powerful use of (French) vocabulary
The last stanza was poignant and the highlight of the poem for me. It really struck a chord in me that resonated each time I read through this piece.
Punctuation/Spelling:
Your tacklebox of tired red... -- I think tackle box is two words (??)
small flat spot of father... -- You may have had your reasons for not capitalizing this sentence fragment, but as a reader not in your head () it would seem more powerful with 'small' capitalized.
Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed this piece immensely! I look forward to reading and reviewing four more of your port selections!
The following is a review of "Print This!" , submitted as Assignment One for the Poetry Basics & Beyond class offered through "Invalid Item" .
Emotional Impact: I love the sense of humor you express in this piece. How many times I have been the narrator of this poem!! The ending is my favorite; you close the piece with a chill in your "voice" that reflects the calculated demise of the printer. Brilliant!
Effectiveness of Form: You did a nice job with this free form poem. I enjoyed the refrain that appeared after the first and second stanzas.
The rhyme scheme was light-hearted, and I thought it was clever how you set the line breaks just to the right of the rhyme words. This created an effective rhythm, and allowed the rhyme sounds to be heard even though they weren't at the end of the lines.
Punctuation/Spelling: Great job with sparse punctuation that only occurred after the question posed as a refrain, and most appropriately at the end of the line bidding the printer good-bye.
Lasting Impressions: It is so great to have you in class, Michelle!
Hi Sandy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Clara's Dollar" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction: There is a lot of heart and soul in this story. The plot delivers a timeless message that giving is always better than receiving.
What I liked:
In a short space, you managed to do a wonderful job characterizing Clara. I couldn't "see" her, for there were no physical descriptions offered, but I consider that a good thing. Instead, I "pictured" her, the kind of woman she was, the content of her character. She was honest and rewarded for her honesty; yet, she realized she must be careful with her honesty around Henderson. I loved that aspect of her! Her generosity and love for her children was greater than her own needs.
This moment touched my heart: ...even after buying Christmas gifts for the children to give Henderson money to spend on seeds for the spring crop. I sensed her place with Henderson, and the place in her heart for him. Nice job bringing two sides of the characters out into the light.
Suggestions:
I would have liked more descriptions with regard to the setting, and the characters. I thought there was a lot of room for creatively painting the canvas of the story, so that the reader sees, smells, and hears where Clara was.
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
In the paragraph beginning, Clara deposited $100 of the money in a savings account and spent her usual dollar. -- the description of what each child would love to receive for Christmas is written in one long, run-on sentence. I suggest either separating the independent clauses with semi-colons. For example:
...a toy gun for Bennie who used his finger as a weapon pointed at every bird that landed near the house; Guy and Sonny are old enough for a real rifle to help put meat on the table(won't their eyes shine!); Joaquin away at nursing school will have a nice new tablet and pen;... Or, better yet, break the line down into smaller, more manageable sentences. For example:
Bennie, who used his finger as a weapon pointed at every bird that landed near the house, would love a toy gun. Guy and Sonny are old enough for a real rifle to help put meat on the table. (Won't their eyes shine!) Joaquin, away at nursing school, will have a nice new tablet and pen.
"My goodness," she thought now I have one hundred one dollars to decide what to do with ......"My goodness!" -- I suggest putting direct thoughts into italics, so as not to be confused with spoken dialogue. For example:
"My goodness..." She thought, Now I have one hundred one dollars to decide what to do with .... "My goodness!"
Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful author's voice and creative style with us! I look forward to working with you in Love Reviews!
Hello Lola! After reading your poem "Motor Motor" , I offer you this humble review.
Emotional Impact: You did a wonderful job setting the tone for this piece. Every stanza reflects the despair and sadness of the narrator, and the envy she has for the boy leaning on his motorcycle. I sensed the narrator's feeling of being trapped in her unhappy life. "He's free" is a sentiment she repeats several times, and her longing to feel freedom comes through loud and clear.
The most poignant stanza that delivers the poem's message the strongest is the verse beginning, "I hated him, that free boy,". I thought the repetitive way each line begins with the same word(s) really drove home the impact of the narrator's abject view of her life. Great job!
Effectiveness of Form: This free verse poem doesn't rely on form to shine; it lets the message of the words do that. The imagery you used of "staggering drunk fathers" and "disgusted stares of the pretty girls" bring this poem to life for the reader.
My only suggestion would be to incorporate devices like alliteration, assonance or consonance to develop sound patterns which would encourage greater flow through some places. For example, in this line:
orphan roaming the streets, -- you could replace 'streets' with 'roads', which is assonant with 'roaming' (vowel rhyming) and uses alliteration (the same consonant sound [r] at the beginning of roaming and road). Also, using 'an' before 'orphan' gives the allusion of alliteration there, too. So you would have:
an orphan roaming the roads, -- which has an even more melodic flow to it.
Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors here . I wondered, though, if you had played around with the punctuation in this piece? There is a punctuation mark at the end of every line, which forces a hard pause after every line-ending word. I suggest taking out all the punctuation and seeing what happens to the look and sound once you do.
Another suggestion I have is to use italics to emphasize the notion of freedom, and the narrator's impression that she lacks it. For example, consider this:
He's free,
I would think, Free from crying baby sisters,
from staggering drunk fathers...
I hated him,
that free boy, free from the nuns,
from the regular beatings, free from the farms...
Lasting Impressions: I thoroughly enjoyed reading your work. Thank you so much for sharing your creativity and talent with us! I look forward to working with you in Love Reviews!
Hello there! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "A Loving Heart, Belied" .
Emotional Impact: You speak so eloquently of the challenges facing someone who lives with, and loves, a bi-polar person. My sister lives this fate as well, and speaks to me often of the pain, the balancing act, the care that must be taken. I will share this with her...
Effectiveness of Form: I thought you did an outstanding job creating a lovely rhythmic flow in this piece. The sestets were well delivered with regular care to keep the syllabic counts close. This piece flowed off my tongue and was a real pleasure to read.
Punctuation/Spelling: Fantastic job here; I noticed no errors!
Lasting Impressions: Congrats for having this poem recognized for its many merits and winning third place in the contest!
Hi there! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Keeping" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction: I was completely engaged and entertained by this story.
What I liked:
The allegorical nature of this tale made it unique and interesting. I thought the physical aspect of Moira's pet peeves, the fact that they existed in the natural world as living, breathing entities, was very clever.
The voice of the narrator was clear and strong, and stayed consistent throughout the story. The first person narrative voice, along with the characterization in action and body language, brought the narrator's character to life.
I loved the dream sequence! It was rich in symbolism and suspense. The pace in this section was exceptional.
Suggestions:
I felt a bit of disconnect with the narrator because I was never introduced to him. I never learned his name, or much of what he looked like. I didn't even know for sure what his gender was until deep into the body of the story. I suggest working some descriptions into the beginning of the story that will help the reader figure out more about the narrator than just the fact that he is a college student.
The ending was a bit abrupt for me. I think that if you develop the beginning a little better, and flesh out the "intent" of the story, you will be able to wrap it up in a more concrete and polished manner. Perhaps hone in on the main conflict of the narrator, in a broad sense, so that after the climax scene when he is attacked in Moira's room the ending can show some sort of resolution or conclusion to the piece.
Grammar/Spelling Oops: Great job with the mechanics of this tightly written story. I noticed no mistakes!
Thanks for sharing this highly entertaining and symbolic story!
You have captured the eloquent feel of Shakespearean language, and the depth of emotion in these words rivals that of his great works.
Effectiveness of Form:
The rhyme scheme you chose was interesting and lent a rhythmic flow to the lines. Unlike Shakespearean poetry, there is neither accentual nor syllabic meter incorporated into this piece, however the language that delivered the message reincarnated that great poet.
Punctuation/Spelling:
I noticed no errors!
Lasting Impressions: Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful poem!
Hi K.S.! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Great Lion-Elephant Debate..." .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest.]
Initial Reaction: Your eloquent writer's voice captured my attention right away, and the entertaining story that followed captured my imagination.
What I liked:
First, the tightly written plot was perfectly executed in this piece. I loved how the opening and the closing of the story was the same, bringing a full-circle symmetry to the story line.
The third person omniscient narrative was an excellent choice, and you successfully captured each animal's personality through speech and perspective without insisting that the reader go deep inside every psyche.
The humor you weave throughout this piece is the perfect compliment to the literary excellence you write with. My two favorite moments were:
Bumba suggested they surround the lions, lie down in a circle with their butts facing the lions, and try hard to coordinate their best fart. --
Also, the platform issues the lions were working on were hilarious!
Suggestions: None -- this was pure, story-telling perfection!
Grammar/Spelling Oops: I only have a few comments for this otherwise mechanically sound piece:
The lions were surprised and greatly relieved about all of this, the odd introduction of the elephants caused some concern and uncertainty. -- There should be a semi-colon in place of the comma after 'this'.
"Hippo dung showers", said Zeke, "have you all forgotten... -- The comma before 'said' should be inside the closed quotation marks.
I liked this so much that I plan to read it to my children, who will surely get as much enjoyment out of it as I did!
Initial Reaction: Verne, you are an exceptional writer, and your voice in this piece is wonderful and engaging. After reading the story I went to your bioblock and saw that you are studying creative writing with a focus on non-fiction. Your talent and your training show through in this piece!
What I liked:
I was hooked by your voice immediately; it pulled me into the story in the beginning and kept me there until the last line.
The initial exchange behind the young and shy cousins was a wonderful scene, and you captured perfectly the way children interact. I loved the leap from being too timid to come out from behind the parent's legs, to this: “Mommy, can Verne sleep over in our house this summer?”
Through your vivid descriptions, I felt like I could "see" the children mature in my mind's eye. Though their interactions were few and far between, I followed, aided by the filter of your perspective, the evolution of their relationship.
I liked the manipulation of verb tenses to separate the two distinct parts of this narrative: the present tense to describe the reunion in 2006, and past tenses to fill in the history of Cece and Verne's relationship.
One of the strongest threads that bound this story together was the kiss on the cheek. Cece chases Verne all over at their first meeting, trying to plant a kiss on his cheek. I loved that the story ended with another kiss, this one cementing their connection to each other.
Suggestions: I only have one minor suggestion:
As is the usual custom in our family, we have the afternoon church ceremony followed by the dinner reception afterwards. -- It is unnecessary to finish this sentence with "afterwards" since the reception is said to follow the ceremony.
Grammar/spelling Oops: I have a couple of editorial comments:
It is customary to say "at one's house" rather than "in one's house." I noticed this a couple of times:
...my cousin Cece is eagerly waiting for me in my grandmother’s house. 'at my grandmother's house'
...when we arrived in Kentucky. It was already late in the evening by the time we arrived in his house. 'at his house'
Here are two typos I noticed:
The entire Yu clan has a reunites once more. -- Perhaps: The entire Yu clan has reunited once more.
...exceedingly hot even for Manila standards, so the cool suddenly cool weather soothed me as well. -- The extra "cool" before "suddenly" can be deleted.
It was a real pleasure to read this warm, engaging story. Thank you so much for sharing it, and best of luck with your studies!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Initial Reaction: This story sketch has a lot of potential for expansion.
What I liked: You have the elements of a good story here. The players are interesting and can become round, full characters with some depth of characterization. I liked the basis for the conflict within and between the characters -- there's lots of room for some great story lines.
Suggestions: You will need to flesh out the story you want to tell. A short story is based on a single moment of significance, so once you have decided what that will be, you will be on your way.
Also, this story will change in tone depending on which character you choose as the POV narrator. The events seen through Mandy's eyes will be much different than when filtered through the perspective of Margaret.
Grammar/spelling Oops: When you expand this piece, keep in mind the rules on punctuation with quotation marks, and dialog tags. For example:
Mandy gave a tentative smile, "Did you ever pick on her back?" -- There is not a dialog tag in this sentence, but rather action introducing dialog. It should appear like this:
Mandy gave a tentative smile. "Did you ever pick on her back?"
Thanks for sharing this piece with me!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Emotional Impact: I marvel at the emotional message of this poem. You have captured childhood pain that lives on in the heart of a tortured soul. It reminds me a lot of Sylvia Plath's Daddy; it has the same tone and voice. Perhaps this poem has struck such an emotional chord with me because I have a strained, conflicted relationship with my own father. I have thought often about the day he will pass, and the unresolved issues I know he will selfishly take with him to the grave.
Effectiveness of Form: You have used many poetic devices to make this poem a success. I would categorize it as an allegory, with the metaphoric images of a dying pharoah and consequent mummy used to great effect. I loved this line:
his queen stands watch, smile-stretched
lips, in life she dared not grin. -- Very powerful!
I liked the refrain stanza that changed slightly each time it appeared. It brought a powerful element to the piece and drove home its message.
This line, with consonant words, was poignant: brainless head and heartless chest. --
Punctuation/Spelling: Just one editorial comment:
lips, in life she dared not grin. -- I suggest a semi-colon instead of a comma after "lips."
Lasting Impressions: Thank you so much for including this poem in the challenge -- I truly enjoyed reading it!
I will roll the virtual dice on December 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
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Twice I wondered if a comma should be inserted to help the reader mark the pause that is necessary for the meaning of the line to come through. The lines in question are:
as she wraps you in her embrace to ease the heartache. 
.
Initial Reaction:
What I liked:
Suggestions:
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
Nicki
In the following line, you have the word 'things' twice. It is by no means an error, just something that jumps out at me:
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Extra word (the): 
Grammar/spelling Oops: I have a couple of editorial comments:
~ Nicki ~