** Image ID #1520977 Unavailable **
Hi OldWarrior! Thank you for entering this story in:
In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to my prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!
[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest  ]
 Characters: 4  's
 I enjoyed the characters you created for Stuart and Andrea, as well as the secondary characters of Joey and Dee. Each was a vivid personality that together constituted a strong cast.
I appreciate when there is a minimum of physical descriptions for the characters, as I prefer interacting with a story and seeing the characters in my mind's eye based on their actions, gestures, and speech. I would, however, suggest using more descriptive words in such phrases as, "she was a pretty little thing" and, "another attractive young woman," because the reader will get a better sense of what the women look like, as well as insight into Stuart's psyche: What does Stuart consider pretty or attractive?
I particularly enjoyed your use of "Show, Don't Tell" descriptions when Dee was in a scene. Lines like this one really brought her to life: She looked at me with a welcoming frown that held as much welcome as it did malice.
 This was really Stuart's story, and although the contest prompt required use of the first person narrative, I thought this story would have been better told in third person limited. First, there was a lot about Stuart that was withheld from the reader until it fit in the story to be revealed, and for this reason I felt removed from Stuart. Typically, first person offers the reader an intimate relationship with the POV; the reader experiences the story from in his head and in his heart. I felt like Stuart was a stranger, and that I was getting to know him alongside Andrea and Dee.
Second, it is nearly impossible to tell the whole story in first person narrative when the POV doesn't survive to the end. The story forced a shift in POV, so that the ending was told through the perspective of the omniscient narrator resulting in a disconnection from the rest of the plot.
 Plot/Conflict/Pace: 4.5 's
There were a lot of twists and revelations that kept this story interesting. When I read through it a second time, I realized there was a lot of information alluded to that made perfect sense once I knew how the story ended. Some of those moments were: I was not in love with her, at least not in a physical sense, but I think I was in love with her spirituality. -- And, Not because I was due to return to Iraq within a few weeks, but because my beliefs were now being challenged and I did not know how I would cope with the inevitable.
I liked how you crafted the plot and characters' conflicts so that the other prompt requirement was fulfilled. Initially, I didn't accept that Andrea's feelings regarding the military would change from her relationship with Stuart, and I wondered if she would even be upset by Stuart's offer to help Joey enter the military academy. However, when I went back through and picked up on some of Joey's reactions to Stuart ("It’s my Army hero..."; "...Joey was playing soldier in the hot sand...") I felt you were very creative and successful in crafting Andrea's life-altered perspective. Nicely done!
The opening of this story provided a lot of background information on Stuart, but as there is no action in the first six paragraphs, the pace is very slow. When I got to the line, "The young boy clinging to his distressed mother was safe. -- the story began for me. I suggest making this your first paragraph, grabbing the reader's attention right away and letting the story take off. Then, weave Stuart's memories of his father's advice and decision to join the military into the story to round out his character.
 Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 4.5's
Very few editorial issues in this mechanically sound story. Nice job! The only problems I saw were:
Missing or misplaced commas:
After three days lost in the wilderness I had found him curled up beneath a rock ledge, hungry, half-frozen, scared but alive. --  After three days lost in the wilderness, I had found him curled up beneath a rock ledge hungry, half-frozen, scared, but alive.
After receiving tacit approval from my Brigade Commander I brought my entire Company of 212 soldiers to his rescue. -- After receiving tacit approval from my Brigade Commander, I brought my entire Company of 212 soldiers to his rescue.
Dialogue
"From the bottom of my heart, thank you Colonel or whatever rank you are," she gasped, seemingly out of breath after her lengthy ordeal. -- "From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Colonel, or whatever rank you are." She gasped, seemingly out of breath after her lengthy ordeal.
"Ms. Dalton," I blurted, "Nice to see you again." -- "Ms. Dalton," I blurted, "nice to see you again."
"Just Andrea," she smiled. "The meal is on me." -- "Just Andrea." She smiled. "The meal is on me."
"What’s with the sad ‘tears-in-your-beer’ bit? It’s not like you at all Stuart?" -- "What’s with the sad ‘tears-in-your-beer’ bit? It’s not like you at all, Stuart."
"I need to talk with you Andrea," I replied. -- "I need to talk with you, Andrea," I replied.
"It’s my Army hero mom," he screeched... -- "It’s my Army hero, Mom!" he screeched...
"... You’ll make it back safely." Andrea said... -- {e;right} "... You’ll make it back safely," Andrea said...
"Are you Mrs. Dalton?"The Major asked... - "Are you Mrs. Dalton?" the Major asked...
"Not the terrorists, Andrea bitterly muttered to herself. Not the terrorists!" -- "Not the terrorists," Andrea bitterly muttered to herself. "Not the terrorists!"
...there is beauty in serving ones country... -- ...there is beauty in serving one's country...
 First Impression Wow Factor: 4 ’s
I really liked this original story, that twisted as it developed and kept me engaged through the end.
I would love to read a version of this story told with Stuart as the POV in the third person limited narrative, where I think would lie greater possibilities for intrigue.
My Overall Rating (I always round up): 
I enjoyed your creative story! I have already read through all the entries once, and am in the process of rereading each story and writing its review. I will make a decision no later than February 15 (probably sooner ) and post the winners in the contest forum. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!
 Nicki
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
~ Nicki ~
Initial Reaction: This story was fascinating and disturbing, and infinitely sad.
Suggestions: Watch for shifts in verb tense. The story opens and closes in present tense. The middle section flashes back and explains the character's history. Through this part, the story should remain in past tense. For example: 
Grammar/spelling Oops: I noticed a couple of errors:
more assonance! 
Suggestions:
Nicki
Extra word (the):