Hi Mara! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Library Lady" .
[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest .]
Initial Reaction: The plot and characters for this story are fantastic! Both were expertly crafted, and you did an awesome job drawing me into the story and leading my emotions on a wonderful journey into the human condition. Though the story's bones are strong, there were some minor problems in the mechanics, nothing an edit here and there won't easily fix. I'm such a huge fan of your work, and I learn so much about character development each time I read you. Thanks for that!
What I liked:
I love the title for this story. It's perfection, how the theme behind it is woven into the story from the beginning to the end.
Tricia is a wonderful character. She represents the good in all of us, and our universal sense of wanting to "give back." Her conflicts were clearly defined and I totally "got" her throughout the whole story.
This story demonstrates why setting descriptions are vital to a story's success. Every scene used setting to draw me deeper into the story, as well as to develop the exposition/background story.
"Don't forget we carrot tops come with a fiery temper." -- Love the way you cleverly worked in her physical description, while drawing yet another parallel between Tricia and Kasey. Brilliant!
Having stood on these steps on both sides of this moment didn't make it any easier. -- Awesome showing statement that resonated long after I read it! Bravo!!
I loved the closing paragraph. It was so emotional because I imagined how both Tricia and Kasey were feeling. You did a fantastic job bringing that paragraph to life with the setting descriptions and the connections they made between the past and the present. I think you did such a good job, in fact, that you should delete the final sentence. You had already led me to that conclusion. The paragraph does the work, now trust your readers.
Suggestions: Though this section seems long, it really represents minor problems! Remember, these are only my suggestions. Disregard what doesn't resonate with your vision of the story
The execution of two consecutive sentences in the opening paragraph gave me momentary pause, as they seemed so conflicting: ...dancing emerald eyes scanning the sea of painted faces and scary masks. Her brow knitted in worry... -- I realized after reading on that the conflict was intentional, since Tricia is both happy and worried, but without some sort of qualifier, the result was a "speed bump" in an otherwise smooth introduction. An easy fix may be along these lines: ...dancing emerald eyes scanning the sea of painted faces and scary masks. Despite enjoying the festivities, her brow knitted in worry...
Worry gnawed at the librarian's gut. -- Since her brow is knitted in worry in the paragraph above, "worry" is redundant here. What's really worrying her is the girl's absence, so maybe go with that: Kasey's absence gnawed at the librarian's gut.
Fighting health issues complicated by depression, the old woman struggled to raise her granddaughter with only a paltry disability check to put a roof over their heads. -- This sentence is somewhat chunky (). What I mean is, you have some room, having come in under the word count limit, so I suggest spreading out the exposition here, perhaps even into two sentences: The old woman struggled to raise her granddaughter while battling her own health issues and depression. A paltry disability check barely kept a roof over their heads.
This sentence was another "speed bump": Her name drawing Tricia from childhood memories, she hurried over to help her harried assistant with the piñata. -- It's the introductory phrase that throws off the sentence. Maybe a straightforward gerund phrase would work better: Hearing her name drew Tricia away from childhood memories, and she hurried over to help her harried assistant with the piñata.
There is structural inconsistency in this sentence: She remembered [swinging for all she was worth as a little girl, her long legs stretched to the sky], and [days of twisting the thick rope as tight as it would go until she let go and spun in crazy circles, her copper hair fanning out around her]. -- Both parts of the compound direct object (after "She remembered") should be parallel in structure. Here's one option to illustrate what I mean:
She remembered swinging for all she was worth as a little girl, her long legs stretching to the sky, and twisting the thick rope as tight as it would go until she let go, spinning in crazy circles, her copper hair fanning out around her.
Feeling the tremble of cold and exhaustion threatening, Tricia urged the child inside... -- "threatening" seems like an extra word you could eliminate, making the sentence (I think) tighter and stronger.
Accepting a mug thankfully, Tricia met his eyes, seeing the same pain and recollection there. -- "thankfully" is another extra word that (I think) works more against the sentence than for it.
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
"...there's no candy in Miss. Megan," -- extra period in there
Missing some apostrophes here and there:
a clowns bulbous nose -- clown's
after her parents passing seven years ago -- parents'
a prayer sent heavens way -- heaven's
I noticed that some of your introductory phrases beginning with gerunds weren't offset with commas. Here are a couple examples, but you may want to comb through the story to find others:
Shoving the rest of the treat in his mouth he grabbed a napkin... -- comma after "mouth"
Giving the old tire swing an affectionate push she couldn't help remembering... -- comma after "push"
Dialogue tags
"...the bags are practically bursting at the seams with candy," Tricia beamed. -- Period after "candy" (you can't "beam" words... )
"Speaking of, I need a favor," Tricia frowned. -- Period after "favor" (....or frown them...)
"I haven't forgotten," he chuckled... --
Best of luck in the contest, Mara!! This story definitely gets my vote!!!
Nicki
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