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51
51
Review of The Library Lady  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Mara! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Library Lady.

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: The plot and characters for this story are fantastic! Both were expertly crafted, and you did an awesome job drawing me into the story and leading my emotions on a wonderful journey into the human condition. Though the story's bones are strong, there were some minor problems in the mechanics, nothing an edit here and there won't easily fix. I'm such a huge fan of your work, and I learn so much about character development each time I read you. Thanks for that! *Heart*


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I love the title for this story. It's perfection, how the theme behind it is woven into the story from the beginning to the end.

*Thumbsup* Tricia is a wonderful character. She represents the good in all of us, and our universal sense of wanting to "give back." Her conflicts were clearly defined and I totally "got" her throughout the whole story.

*Thumbsup* This story demonstrates why setting descriptions are vital to a story's success. Every scene used setting to draw me deeper into the story, as well as to develop the exposition/background story.

*Thumbsup* "Don't forget we carrot tops come with a fiery temper." -- Love the way you cleverly worked in her physical description, while drawing yet another parallel between Tricia and Kasey. Brilliant!

*Thumbsup* Having stood on these steps on both sides of this moment didn't make it any easier. -- Awesome showing statement that resonated long after I read it! Bravo!!

*Thumbsup* I loved the closing paragraph. It was so emotional because I imagined how both Tricia and Kasey were feeling. You did a fantastic job bringing that paragraph to life with the setting descriptions and the connections they made between the past and the present. I think you did such a good job, in fact, that you should delete the final sentence. You had already led me to that conclusion. The paragraph does the work, now trust your readers. *Smile*


*Idea* Suggestions: Though this section seems long, it really represents minor problems! Remember, these are only my suggestions. Disregard what doesn't resonate with your vision of the story *Smile*

*CheckV* The execution of two consecutive sentences in the opening paragraph gave me momentary pause, as they seemed so conflicting: ...dancing emerald eyes scanning the sea of painted faces and scary masks. Her brow knitted in worry... -- I realized after reading on that the conflict was intentional, since Tricia is both happy and worried, but without some sort of qualifier, the result was a "speed bump" in an otherwise smooth introduction. An easy fix may be along these lines: ...dancing emerald eyes scanning the sea of painted faces and scary masks. Despite enjoying the festivities, her brow knitted in worry...

*CheckV* Worry gnawed at the librarian's gut. -- Since her brow is knitted in worry in the paragraph above, "worry" is redundant here. What's really worrying her is the girl's absence, so maybe go with that: Kasey's absence gnawed at the librarian's gut.

*CheckV* Fighting health issues complicated by depression, the old woman struggled to raise her granddaughter with only a paltry disability check to put a roof over their heads. -- This sentence is somewhat chunky (*Confused**QuestionO*). What I mean is, you have some room, having come in under the word count limit, so I suggest spreading out the exposition here, perhaps even into two sentences: The old woman struggled to raise her granddaughter while battling her own health issues and depression. A paltry disability check barely kept a roof over their heads.

*CheckV* This sentence was another "speed bump": Her name drawing Tricia from childhood memories, she hurried over to help her harried assistant with the piñata. -- It's the introductory phrase that throws off the sentence. Maybe a straightforward gerund phrase would work better: Hearing her name drew Tricia away from childhood memories, and she hurried over to help her harried assistant with the piñata.

*CheckV* There is structural inconsistency in this sentence: She remembered [swinging for all she was worth as a little girl, her long legs stretched to the sky], and [days of twisting the thick rope as tight as it would go until she let go and spun in crazy circles, her copper hair fanning out around her]. -- Both parts of the compound direct object (after "She remembered") should be parallel in structure. Here's one option to illustrate what I mean:

She remembered swinging for all she was worth as a little girl, her long legs stretching to the sky, and twisting the thick rope as tight as it would go until she let go, spinning in crazy circles, her copper hair fanning out around her.

*CheckV* Feeling the tremble of cold and exhaustion threatening, Tricia urged the child inside... -- "threatening" seems like an extra word you could eliminate, making the sentence (I think) tighter and stronger.

*CheckV* Accepting a mug thankfully, Tricia met his eyes, seeing the same pain and recollection there. -- "thankfully" is another extra word that (I think) works more against the sentence than for it.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Bullet* "...there's no candy in Miss. Megan," -- extra period in there

*Bullet* Missing some apostrophes here and there:

a clowns bulbous nose -- clown's

after her parents passing seven years ago -- parents'

a prayer sent heavens way -- heaven's

*Bullet* I noticed that some of your introductory phrases beginning with gerunds weren't offset with commas. Here are a couple examples, but you may want to comb through the story to find others:

Shoving the rest of the treat in his mouth he grabbed a napkin... -- comma after "mouth"

Giving the old tire swing an affectionate push she couldn't help remembering... -- comma after "push"

*Bullet* Dialogue tags *Pthb*

"...the bags are practically bursting at the seams with candy," Tricia beamed. -- Period after "candy" (you can't "beam" words... *Bigsmile*)

"Speaking of, I need a favor," Tricia frowned. -- Period after "favor" (....or frown them...)

"I haven't forgotten," he chuckled... -- *Pthb*


*Star* Best of luck in the contest, Mara!! This story definitely gets my vote!!!




*Flower3* Nicki

Write, write, wrimo!

52
52
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1664809 Unavailable **



Hello Robin! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter.


*Star* What I Liked:
EVERYTHING!

*Thumbsup* The messages within each stanza resonated loudly with me and I nodded through every verse.

*Thumbsup* You captured a rhythmic quality that transcended syllabic meter. Every line rolled effortlessly off my tongue. Bravo!

*Thumbsup* The use of repetition worked beautifully and helped drive home every stanza's message, and the poem's meaning on a whole.



*Idea* Suggestions: None *Cool**Thumbsup*



Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!



~Nicki~
I'm proud to be a Rising Stars Leader

53
53
Review of Noah's Ark  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Shannon, I'm breathless as I finish this gut-wrenching story. You wove the words so perfectly together, lingered on so many important and emotional details, yet the pace rushed over me like the water filling the dry creek bed, carrying me away.

Fyn wrote in a newsletter today about getting lost in a story. I was completely lost in this one.

I became Mary, felt her anguish, her guilt, her anger. You are a brilliant writer, my friend.

Congrats on taking first place in Short Shots with this masterpiece. Bravo!!

((hugs)) Nicki
54
54
Review of Storm Sweep  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb



Hi Fyn! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Storm Sweep.

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Brilliantly written!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* This is one of those pieces that I enjoyed savoring twice. The first read-through was exquisite, but once I arrived at the end and pondered the photo, I began again with new eyes. The first time around, the poem spoke to me of people and surviving a tragedy together. The second time, it was a poem about a place, sentimental and man-made, and the power of nature it couldn't stand against.

*Thumbsup* I loved the voice of this poem. It's eloquence is outstanding. My favorite sounding line was this one: now, wind-scored wood sanded free of paint teeters soulless


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* This is such a little thing, but I thought you could take out "once" in line two of the last stanza, since you say "Now where once laughter rang" in the line just before.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: No errors noted *Smile*


*Star* Thanks for sharing your creative genius with me!




*Flower3* Nicki

Glittery sig
Most Helpful Review Ribbon won in July 2009

55
55
Review of Dominick  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb



Hello Fyn! After reading your poem "Dominick, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: My heart broke at the title description, but your words flowed through my soul and uplifted me. This beautiful tribute immortalizes Dominick, while raising awareness of a tragic problem, for all those who read it.

My favorite emotional moment was stanza five. I loved the imagery of Dominick's smile shining like a star in heaven.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* From the first stanza, you crafted a lovely rhythmic flow that pulled me gently along from line to line.

*Thumbsup* Great use of alliteration, particularly in the first line. The strong sound of the [l]'s in that line added to the poem's overall hook.

*Thumbsup* The rhyme scheme in lines two and four was subtle, further enhancing the poem's rhythm.



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: It's always such a pleasure to read your work, Fyn!



Glittery sig
Most Helpful Review Ribbon won in July 2009



56
56
Review of The Skeleton  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb



Hello SisterofMercy! After reading your poem "The Skeleton, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The story behind this poem is chilling. The girl who committed the heinous act was a child herself, yet the decision she made was horrendous. Your use of a skeleton in her closet effectively illustrated her oppressive guilt.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I liked the alliteration with the hard [c] sound in the first stanza.

*CheckV* This read more like prose than poetry, for me. I thought it lacked a strong, rhythmical quality, perhaps because there was such a discrepancy in syllabic count from line to line.

*CheckV* Should you ever decide to experiment with this piece, it would be interesting to see how the sound of the poem changed if you broke up some of the lines, so that each line wasn't a self-contained sentence.

Playing with the structure of each sentence could be fun, too. For example, moving phrases around could break up the regularity of the sentences' structures:

The skeleton hangs from her closet. *Right* From her closet the skeleton hangs


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Congrats on this poem's publication! Way to go!!



Glittery sig
Image #1508383 over display limit. -?-



57
57
Review of Never Alone  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb



Hi SisterofMercy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Never Alone.

[The comments following bullet points are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: It's always uplifting to read work that reflects the author's faith.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I loved the message of this piece. It's comforting to know one will never be truly alone.

*Thumbsup* I thought the second person POV was a good narrative choice for this poem. Pieces that promote belief in God lend themselves to speaking directly to the reader, drawing the reader into the poem as a main character. Nicely done.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Bullet* I suspected from the opening line that "the person" you were referring to was God. I wonder if it would be appropriate the capitalize all the pronouns for Him, as you did in the second stanza?

*Bullet* There was a bit of repetition in the second stanza. You used forms of the verb 'to give' and the noun 'gift' six times. Perhaps replacing some of them with synonyms would strengthen the piece overall.



*Star* Thanks for sharing your wonderful prose with us! And Happy Account Birthday!!! Four years making this community great -- WHOOT!! Here's to four more *Bigsmile*




*Flower3* Nicki

Image #1503048 over display limit. -?-

58
58
Review of Respect  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb



Hi Oldwarrior! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Respect.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I always enjoy your wonderful poetry, and this time is no different!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed that your poem discussed the many facets of 'respect,' both in giving and receiving. The message that we must consider offering respect as important as gaining respect resounded in every stanza.

*Thumbsup* The repetition of words (and and different, for example) enhanced the rhythmic quality of the poem.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Bullet* The second line of the first stanza may read with more fluidity if there were a few less syllables. Here's just a suggestion, to illustrate:

It’s hard to see and tough to judge, this thing we call respect.
There are thoughts involved and hidden scars and fears we must reject.


Perhaps:

It’s hard to see and tough to judge, this thing we call respect.
Involved are thoughts and hidden scars, and fears we must reject.




*Star* It's always a pleasure to read your creative works! Thanks for sharing with me *Smile*




*Flower3* Nicki

Image #1503048 over display limit. -?-

59
59
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
SAJ Girl and Duck with Umbrella made by Sherryb



Hi Kathie! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "A Messenger in Rags.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I hung on your every word.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The messages in this piece are poignant, relevant, and brought tears to my eyes. Your honesty gives it such depth.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the fluidity of your words. Each sentence flowed seamlessly with the next.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Bullet* You may consider changing the sub-genres of this piece. Rather than a traditional short story, it reads more like a personal essay. Should you decide to designate it that way, there is a nonfiction option that seems appropriate, as well.



*Star* My sister left rehab three weeks ago. When I saw her back in January, I couldn't believe how thin she was. She told me she was loving Spin classes at her gym. I didn't buy it, but I was still shocked when I learned the truth. Instead of three square meals a day, she was sustained by Percocet and Jack -- six times a day. Thanks for sharing your story with me. I'm going to call my sister today *Smile*




*Flower3* Nicki

Image #1417253 over display limit. -?-

60
60
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Feel free to use this sig if you are a Paper Doll Gang Member!



Hello Lexi! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the names of the three messenger characters. They were colorful and added to the folklore feel of the story.

*Thumbsup* The character's dialogue added to the narration.

*Thumbsup* Nice job maintaining the first person POV.

*Check2* I would have enjoyed knowing what the characters looked like. You let us know the ages of the two brothers, and I wondered how much older the narrator was.


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace:*Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* The premise behind this story was intriguing.

*Check2* Yellow Bird is frightened, but happy to sacrifice herself to the Sun God. You could take this story to the next level by including some conflict. What if Yellow Bird refused to go? Or, what if Yellow Bird was frightened and excited, but her Mother stood in her way of answering the call? A central conflict ups the reader's enjoyment factor by adding tension and suspense to the narration.

*Check2* I suggest, should you choose to revise this story, to take more time describing the setting, characters, and the emotional journey of the characters. I would enjoy an expanded version of this interesting story.



*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: *Star**Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* Overall, you did a good job self-editing this piece.

*Check2* Increase readability by including a hard return (double space) between paragraphs, even one-line dialogue.

*Check2* When a dialogue tag (he said, she replied, etc.) follows spoken words, a comma, question mark, or exclamation point -- but never a period -- goes inside the closed quotation marks:

“We must get ready. The ceremony is tomorrow.” Mother said. -- *Right* “We must get ready. The ceremony is tomorrow,” Mother said.



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* You have crafted an interesting scenario in this story.

*Check2* It moved along quite quickly, and I would like to see you take the time to expand on the plot and characters, and include some conflict.



*Right* My Overall Rating: 3.25 stars rounded up to *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


I enjoyed your creative story! Judges and Paper Doll Gang reviewers are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


~Nicki~
Image #1367099 over display limit. -?-
Image #1508383 over display limit. -?-
61
61
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Lord Aldran Vesing:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: The premise behind this vignette is promising.


*Star* What I liked: You have created an interesting protagonist in Lord Aldran Vesing. Thanks to the information offered before the scene began, I was able to picture him in my mind's eye. His inner conflicts were alluded to, and I think that as they continue to come into play, you'll discover myriad directions to take the narration.


*Question* Suggestions: With this scene drafted, you have an idea of the backbone of these two characters. I suggest creating an outline to plot out the major scenes in your story, from beginning to end. That way, you'll have a loose guide to assist you as you continue to build this story.



*Star* Best of luck to you as you work on this project!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

62
62
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "The Land of Opportunity:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Fascinating!


*Star* What I liked: Your way of looking at your life, and the world around you, in terms of numbers and symbols drew me into this essay. I liked the parallels you drew between the events in your life and astrological and numerological beliefs.

Also, I thought your sentences flowed with ease and energy. Your author's voice is strong. You style is engaging.


*Question* Suggestions: I sensed a growing anger in your narration as the essay moved beyond the poem about the Statue of Liberty. The closing paragraph takes on an almost harsh, scolding tone. I suggest re-evaluating what is the intended message of this essay, and establishing the appropriate tone right from the opening paragraph. That way, the reader isn't caught off-guard later in the work.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Overall, you did an outstanding job self-editing this piece. I have only one editorial comment:

Green terraced lawns rolled down to curving tree shaded streets. -- I suggest hyphenating "tree-lined"


*Star* Thank you for sharing your work with me *Smile*


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

63
63
Review of Memory  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Memory:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I think this is an interesting vignette, a premise on which you could build an interesting story.


*Star* What I liked: You start right off with some good "showing" descriptions that helped me "see" what was happening and that set the tone of the piece.

You have assembled an interesting cast of players, and each provides the opportunity to take the story in exciting directions.


*Question* Suggestions: Since this reads like a partial draft, I encourage you to flesh out the story you want to tell, perhaps create a rough outline to help guide your thoughts, and have fun writing it to completion!


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Remember these few rules when dealing with dialogue:

*Bullet* Dialogue tags are not capitalized if they follow the spoken words, and commas, question marks and exclamation points -- but never periods -- go inside the closed quotation marks:

Hello darling….” The woman said sitting down in a chair across from me. -- *Right* Hello darling,” the woman said sitting down in a chair across from me.

*Bullet* When a dialogue tag interrupts a complete sentence, the second half in quotation marks doesn't begin with a capital letter:

Now honey“, the woman said sweetly. “I want you to think really hard and tell me..." -- *Right* "Now honey," the woman said sweetly, “I want you to think really hard and tell me..."

*Bullet* Also, watch for typos:

“I don’t care well hide her. We’ll do something!” -- *Right* “I don’t care. We'll hide her. We’ll do something!”

There was shuffling of papers and a few loud “Thumps”, before two large men... -- Onomatopoeia are better written in italics: There was shuffling of papers and a few loud thumps before two large men...



*Star* Best of luck to you are you work on this project!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

64
64
Review of Bindings  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1219022 Unavailable **



Hello Ken! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter.


*Star* What I Liked:
Your work always draws me into its incredible warmth and light, and holds my attention, willingly captive. This piece is no exception. I loved that you embraced your inner woman and lent her your voice, weaving your experiences as a parent into the narration. So many of your phrases were magical, though if I had to choose two favorites, they would be:

I felt your tiny spark illuminate and lift my soul, and:
There is a special bond, a tethering of hearts



*Idea* Suggestions: This line gave me pause: You were then within of me... -- It seems here that "within" and "of" are synonymous. I wondered if "a part of me" worked in place of "within of me?"



Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!



~Nicki~
I'm proud to be a Rising Stars Leader

65
65
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Echoes in the hall:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Powerful!


*Star* What I liked: Even without music, I hear the lyrical quality of this wonderful, original song. The poetic devices you incorporated further enhanced the rhythmic flow. In particular, I enjoyed the rhyme scheme and the repeat of line-ending words in lines one and four of the first verse and the chorus.


*Question* Suggestions: None *Smile*


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: I noticed a couple editorial errors:

*Bullet* 14 young women, lie dead in Montreal -- Remove the comma after "women." Also, although it's not an error written as is, I suggest spelling out fourteen.

*Bullet* Understand the reasons, put away your guns -- I suggest a semi-colon instead of a comma, since it separates two independent clauses

*Bullet* Don't you remember, it was morning headline news -- A question mark is appropriate at the end of this line.

*Bullet* For the crime of our fathers son, his cross were left to bear -- father's son; and we're left to bear

*Bullet* Don't you remember, that sinner in despair -- Here again, a question mark is needed.


*Star* You have a real talent for lyric writing. Thank you for sharing your song with me!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

66
66
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Where Art Thou Little Boy:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This poem offers a wonderful message of faith and servitude.


*Star* What I liked: I enjoyed the progression of a lifetime represented in the three stanzas. The narrator seemed to speak to the same person, at different stages of his life. I felt the message, portrayed this way, was relevant since many people find their faith wavering at times.


*Question* Suggestions: It may be an interesting experiment to try this piece with sparse punctuation. The first lines of each stanza may flow better with commas, and some lines that end a complete thought may need periods. Although, that said, I did feel the complete lack of punctuation achieved a certain minimalist quality that mirrored the simplicity of the poem's message.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: "I" is always a proper noun and should be capitalized. (See Stanza 2, line 6 and Stanza 3, Line 5)


*Star* Thank you for sharing your creative work with me!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

67
67
Review of Broken Bird  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Broken Bird:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I enjoyed your fluid style and strong author's voice.


*Star* What I liked: First person narration was a perfect choice for this short story. I was able to fully understand Riley, and I sympathized with her. I found her to be a reliable narrator whose truth I accepted, making me root for her right to the end.

I liked your opening paragraph. One of its strengths was this line, that set the tone of the piece and foreshadowed events to come: One stumbled past, to reveal bugs shimmying along the muddy edge of the pond, unaware of the predators that lay waiting in surrounding trees. *Thumbsup*


*Question* Suggestions: I thought this was a very powerful piece. I would have like to understand Riley's motivations more. Perhaps a sentence or two devoted to explaining why she was so against joining the church would serve this end. I understood the church was corrupt on some levels, by the way the "tormentor" was richly dressed when people lived poorly in huts, and how he broke her will by physically beating her. But what led to her decision in the first place? You do an excellent job implying things in this story, so I think you could work that magic just a little more and bring to light Riley's motivations.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops:

*Note* If action introduces or determines the speaker instead of a dialogue tag (he said, she replied, etc.), the action stands alone as a complete sentence. For example:

“Riley… Greeting, my raven,” the familiar drawl immediately caused by muscles to tense, and my eyes were wide when I turned. -- *Right* “Riley… Greetings, my raven.” The familiar drawl immediately caused by muscles to tense, and my eyes were wide when I turned.

*Note* I noticed sometimes you capitalized "Raven," and other times you didn't. If it's a term of endearment (or in this case, a term of repulsion), you don't need to capitalize; but, if it's considered a proper noun, you do. On the other hand, "God" in this sentence is a proper noun: “Are you of god, young raven?” -- *Right* “Are you of God, young Raven?”



*Star* Thank you for sharing your creative talent with me!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

68
68
Review of Lost Heart  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Lost Heart:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: There is a great deal of sadness in this piece.


*Star* What I liked: The lines of this poem were very short, but the choppy sound that came out of it dictated a rhythm that mirrored the feelings of depression and dejection in its message. The bursts of rhymes softened the sound of the piece and added the its unique rhythmic flow.


*Question* Suggestions: I wondered if you played around with stanzas? It would be interesting to note whether this poem changed rhythmically or in meaning/sense if it were organized into quatrains, cinquains, or even by differing verse lengths depending on the rhyme schemes.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: I enjoyed the absence of punctuation, and I noticed no errors.


*Star* Thanks for sharing your poem with me!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

69
69
Review of Best Friends?  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Best Friends?:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Friendships lost are so sad.


*Star* What I liked: You maintained a regular range of syllables (between five and seven) which encouraged a gentle, rhythmic flow. I also liked that lines two and four of each stanza were true or slant rhymes.


*Question* Suggestions: To take this poem to the next level, you could try incorporating sound devices. Alliteration, for example, may work well in this line:

You have: Our friendship's grown apart -- Capitalizing on the [fr] sound in friendship, you could say:

Our friendship's grown frail


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: I suggest including a verb in this sentence:

Our friendship, once a fire,
(is) now a dwindling candle.



*Star* Thanks for sharing your work with me!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

70
70
Review of LOTI: Preface  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "LOTI: Preface:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: There was a great deal of information and characters introduced in this promising preface.


*Star* What I liked: Your descriptive voice was very strong. I got a good sense of the setting for this story and enjoyed meeting the main players introduced. I think this preface heralds what is sure to be an entertaining tale.


*Question* Suggestions: Although it's an effective technique to write a character's dialogue phonetically so the reader "hears" his accent, be careful not to overindulge in the device. Sometimes, the reader must slow down to decipher the words, which can negatively affect the pacing.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Dialogue:

“Hey!” He yelled at the castle in a hoarse voice. -- Since he yelled is a dialogue tag, it shouldn't be capitalized.

“I dinna count, sir,” Norman gasped. “T’was...,” his chest heaved. “...a fleet...,” he sucked more air, “...tae be shurre.” -- Action that isn't a dialogue tag should be capitalized and stand alone as complete sentences: “I dinna count, sir,” Norman gasped. “T’was...” His chest heaved. “...a fleet...” He sucked more air. “...tae be shurre.”




*Star* Best of luck with this project as it progresses!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

71
71
Review of Fool's paradise  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Fool's paradise:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I loved the subject of this piece! Your descriptive voice is very strong -- wonderful imagery.


*Star* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Your use of poetic devices took this poem to the next level. I enjoyed the internal assonant rhymes (ie: Yet ready to accept a thought tantrum today in reluctant disdain.), and the alliteration in this passage: From weather to leather, from money to matter,/From person to profession, from day till night.

*Thumbsup* The imagery was fantastic in many places. I loved this image: Beneath the roof of this beautiful sky


*Question* Suggestions:

*Check2* I think the title would appear stronger and attract more attention if both words were capitalized.

*Check2* I wondered if you'd played around with the organization of this poem. You could try stanzas to increase readablility, for example, by breaking the poem down into cinquains (five lines per stanza).


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops:

*Bullet* Could see faces staring me with utter attention -- I think the word "at" is missing, between "staring" and "me."

*Bullet* Personalities make this day as “the day of the Fools -- I suggest these slight revisions: Personalities make this day “The Day of the Fools."



*Star* I enjoyed your creative poem very much. Thanks so much for sharing it with me!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

72
72
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Those Sunshine Rays:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This poem touched my heart with its youthful sadness.


*Star* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The rhythmic flow of every stanza was lovely, due to a regular range of syllables per line.

*Thumbsup* I pictured a young narrator who hasn't come to understand her life will one day be full of the freedoms that welcome those rays of sunshine in.

*Thumbsup* I thought your line breaks were well chosen and further enhanced the rhythm's musical quality.


*Question* Suggestions:

*Check2* In the third stanza, I suggest this minor revision:

but most mostly I think
I'll drop and die.


*Check2* I think the poem's title will attract more attention and look more professional if "sunshine" and "rays" were both capitalized.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling:

*Thumbsup* Good job inserting sparse punctuation to aide the reader across intentional pauses. I noticed no errors!


*Star* Thanks so much for sharing your work with me!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the Grand Prize of 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

73
73
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "3 Hours: In the Balance Ch. 1:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Great premise for an exciting first chapter of a novel.


*Star* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Your author's voice is very strong and commanding. Its well-suited for the political intrigue genre.

*Thumbsup* I thought the idea of a country declaring war against America on live national news was interesting, although perhaps far-fetched.

*Thumbsup* Hung's commentary highlighted many truths about the political climate and reality of how the media handles itself in that arena.

*Thumbsup* I thought the choices for names were brilliant for both Hung and Leach. *Thumbsup*


*Question* Suggestions:

*Bullet* I found the constant shifts in point-of-view narration distracting in this chapter. When I'm allowed access to three different characters' thoughts and perceptions (Hung, Leach, and Brown), I feel a sense of disorientation rather than embracing the ability to know everything. I suggest, if you want to explore multiple POVs, to let one character narrate one chapter at a time. Save the shift in POV for the next chapter, and so on. That way, the reader gets to know what makes more than one character tick, but only by having direct access to one at a time.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: As you work through revisions and rewrites, look for punctuation issues, especially in and around dialogue, as well as typos and missing words.


*Star* The possibilities for a story like this are endless. Best of luck to you with the project!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

74
74
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for participating in

Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED  (E)
Practice creating a link using the bitem format -- Everyone wins prizes!!
#1378693 by NickiD89



Here is the review for "Contest Entry: The Slow Cooker, (revised:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Brilliant!


*Star* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* First of all, I appreciate how extremely difficult it is to write a dialogue-only story. You handled the challenge with creativity and talent. With nothing more than the words spoken by the two characters, I was able to grasp the whole story.

*Thumbsup* Each of the two speakers sounded different from the other. I liked the wordiness of the wife's style of speaking and the dry, almost tired, responses from the husband. I never had trouble following the dialogue and never lost track of who was doing the speaking.

*Thumbsup* GREAT twist! And, I loved how the last line brings the story back around to the opening. Perfect!


*Question* Suggestions: None, zilch, nada, nothing!


*Star* I really enjoyed this!! Thanks for sharing it with me!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on March 1st to determine the winner of the 10,000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Happy Holidays!

75
75
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Feel free to use this sig if you are a Paper Doll Gang Member!



Hello Nicki! Thank you for your interest in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89


Unfortunately, your age (according to your bioblock) exceeds the range for this contest, which invites teen writers to compete. However, in appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story, I offer you this in-depth review.

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: *Star**Star**Halfstar*

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the joyful interaction between the father and his daughter. I could picture the fun they had, especially walking in the woods and throwing fallen leaves at each other.

*Check2* The omniscient narrator you chose prohibited me from having an emotional connection with the characters. The tone of this story would change, and might have a greater impact on readers, if it were told through the filter of Dad's perception, or that of Sam I Am.

*Check2* I would have enjoyed more characterization of the story's players. When you weave physical description, body language, facial expressions and dialogue into a story, readers have an easier time visualizing the characters in the scene as it plays out.


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: *Star**Star**Halfstar*

*Thumbsup* The premise for this piece was wonderful. It came across as an enjoyable, slice-of-life tale that anyone could picture and relate to.

*Thumbsup* I thought this descriptive line was fantastic: Their melodies were like a piece of heaven's choir blending in together.

*Check2* To take a story like this to the next level, try incorporating some conflict. A short story needs a central problem that raises the tension and gives the characters something to struggle with. Add a climactic scene when the characters come face-to-face with the problem and overcome, or succumb, to it.



*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* During future edits, look for these kinds of issues:

*Check2* Missing Commas: The following examples will help you locate problem areas:

One cool, crisp Autumn day Dad and Sam I Am, his thirteen year old daughter, went for a walk... -- Introductory phrases should be separated by the rest of the sentence with a comma: One cool, crisp Autumn day, Dad and Sam I Am, his thirteen year old daughter, went for a walk...

They walked down the path shuffling leaves with their feet listening to the rustling sound. -- Modifying phrases that begin with a gerund are preceded with a comma: They walked down the path, shuffling leaves with their feet [and] listening to the rustling sound.

*Check2* Passive Voice: When the subject is being acted upon by the verb, the sentence sounds weaker than if the subject were doing the acting. For example:

Picking up the leaves to add to their collection was making their hands cold. -- Try this to strengthen the imagery: The bitter chill prickled their hands as they picked up leaves to add to their collection.



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: *Star**Star**Star*

*Thumbsup* The happy mood of this piece made it an enjoyable read.

*Check2* I thought there were places where this one block of writing could have been broken down into paragraphs. I also thought readability would increase if there were more interaction between the characters, including dialogue.



*Right* My Overall Rating: 2.75 rounded up to *Star**Star**Star*


Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Thanks again for your interest in this contest!


~Nicki~
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