It is always risky to critique a poem that is so personal. It is also difficult. I question: if I felt the emotion, is this enough? What do I want to consider?
That said, what do I see here?
Rhymed couplets that don't strain.
Each line has a period at the end whether or not it is a sentence end. This emphasizes the line end focusing attention on the end rhyme and disrupting flow of speech.
The poem has a sweet and loving tone that is more powerful than other issues and gives the poem value. I feel very welcome as the reader. I love to hear stories about good fathers.
Thank you for sharing this.
Keep writing.
I like the mood of this - poignant, both happy and sad at the same time. I also like the focus on nature as being reliable when people change. I can't tell from your introduction if you would like to have your meter more consistent. In case you do want to make that happen, I am offering a few suggestions. Of course, you evaluate what I say, use what makes sense to you and throw the rest away. The writing of poetry is a complex task.
Stanza 1, line three: the meter is easy to fix. Just drop "just."
Stanza 2, line 1: a two syllable word in the place of "still" would help. It occurs to me that "always" might work. There is a disruption of the rhythm in "sneak up on them" but I see no way to fix that. If you read classic poems by great poets, they often have breaks in rhythm somewhere, either because their dialect is different from mine, putting the accent in a different place, or because they would sacrifice meaning to make it fit.
Stanza 2, line 2: drop "in" and your meter is fixed.
Line 3: you could say "sometimes he hides behind a cloud"
Stanza 3 line 1: if you substitute "too" for "also," the rhythm is fixed. You might need to put commas before and after "too," but that is just an option.
Stanza 5 line 1: Dropping substituting "kids" for" children" at the start would fix the rhythm.
Line 2: "I know because I come each day" would work.
Line 3: Dropping "in" would help.
These are all minor changes. Usually, fixing meter is not all that hard.
I enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing.
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
This evokes deep sadness in me, and seems generally effective as a poem.
The problems I see are small details that influence the overall strength of the poem.
"My thoughts, they never change Both the comma and word "they" seem
unnecessary
Over and over, daily I wallow I would use either "over and over"
or "daily", but not both
Like a barren tree crying out in drought
Almost dead, I am I would move "watching" up to follow "am."
Watching the days go by me How about "watching the days rush by"
I continue to ignore her questions
The days have gone by so fast' If you change "watching...," this would
seem unnecessary
"The sun goes up
But the sooner it falls
I hold on to my breath" I don't understand these lines. I can't see
the connection between the sun rise
and fall and the speaker holding his
breath.
The basic idea is very good. The images are effective. The problems I see are in the details of writing. Keep working on this. It has all it needs to be an excellent poem.
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
This is clear, meaningful, and interesting. I like the rhythm and rhymes. I especially like how you build the comparison to world events and the question of relative values.
There is a problem several places with over use of "and." Sometimes, it even disrups rhythm. Common usage instead of:
"Symbols and formulas, calculations and equations,"
would be:
Symbols, formulas, calculations and equations,
In poetry, you can even eliminate the other "and" if you wish.
The last sentence of second stanza Crumbles should be Crumble; the four things in line three crumble crust.
"Would they rise from their graves and change the History," It looks as if you include "the" for rhythm. Consider "alter history" instead.
I enjoyed this poem very much. Thank you for sharing it.
Elizabeth
I like the message of this poem. It is clear and worth saying. You are struggling with the ending, I think, because you are telling, not showing. I wonder how you could change that? Your approach to the subject is on the large scale, society as a whole. It is much harder to make a sound point at this level. I suspect something, perhaps several things, have triggered this poem. It would be worth your effort to reflect on what is triggering your thinking, and write a poem with a more specific story. You might come up with a stronger poem for which the ending is more obvious to you. As for this poem, the ending matches the rest of the content and there is nothing really wrong with it except you need to run your spell check on it. You are doing some serious thinking about a big subject. You may write 5 or 6 things before you get said what you want to say in the way you want to say it. Be patient with yourself and keep writing. You are headed in a productive direction.
Elizabeth
about the last line, I see what you intend now, and I am puzzled why I didn't understand. I obviously did not read it too fast. So how to fix that so people get it right away. Here is a suggestion: "One day when I leave, I'll return to a fire." What do you think?
Elizabeth
I am sorry, Tim, I don't get it either. It starts out well. Then, when something goes wrong in the story, the writing goes awry and the conflict or problem of the poem becomes unclear. I can't tell who the characters are; the parents over time, or the child grown and a woman with a partner. I cannot tell how this second set of relationships came into being.
I hope you find this useful. I really hate it when something is crystal clear in my mind when I write it, but no one gets it but me. I sounds as if you find this frustrating, too.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
Good imagery, and efficient use of language. Good rhythm.
In line three - I think rhythm would be improved by adding "a small splash."
Line 4 - I think a comma is needed after "lip."
Line 5 - I am not sure your need the comma in the middle of the line.
Line 6 - It is hard for me to imagine "smoke" "strewn." Could it be "smokes?"
Line 7 - I think the "and" after the middle comma could go and this would improve rhythm.
Line 8 - "She lays on the couch, more tar on tarred lungs." I really like your use of this image.
Line 9 - "caught in the mire" is OK, but I think there may be a better way to say that.
Line 10 - "return to the fire" does not communicate well to me. What fire?
Since I went line by line and identified small problems in most, please don't take this as a wash. I really like this, and these are all minor issues.
Thank you for sharing it.
Elizabeth.
And well you should be proud of this.
There are still a few rhythm problems. You are clearly capable of fixing them, if you wish.
Thanks for sharing.
Elizabeth
This is well done. I like the directness of it. I read this to my friend and she said "that's really, really good, and laughed."
I stumbled on the first line for two reasons;
first is rhythm -- that could be fixed by dropping While - this would also hit the reader with the directness from the first word.
second -- I am a bit puzzled by the image of the thoughts of another lingering on the lips of the speaker. I am thinking she is engaging in reflective listening. If I got this wrong, then I missed the point.
In the third line, the rhythm is thrown off by the word over - I would consider across as the accent is on the second syllable.
Consider "perhaps the part you liked the best" for the third line, again for rhythm. I know it isn't great because "the" is repeated. Perhaps there is another way to fix that.
In the last line, I would use the contraction "I'm"
Lovely use of language, nice flow. It seems to me the English Sonnet is perfect for this prompt. I never though of using "twilight" to describe morning - only evening. Consequently, I tripped over that word. This is the sum total of my "complaints."
I love that this is fresh language and the images are interesting and entertaining. You pack a lot in a few lines.
The last line seems to be crucial to your whole meaning, but I can't tell what they are doing with their tongues in their cheeks. Usually, we use that image in relation to something the person is saying, but I can't figure out what it is.
Perhaps I am a bit thick headed for understanding a poem about this situation having read this stone cold sober. I enjoyed it, nevertheless.
I have a small problem with the first "heart beat still." I think I would consider an s on beat so it would read "heart beats still" the first time, but leave the second time as it is. I think that would give more of a sense of progression. However, that may not be your intent. You may be so focused on the last heart beat you would not want a sense of progression.
I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing it.
In my father's last years, he said "life is a bubble." If you sat and listened, he would explain. Five minutes later, the interaction would start again, as he forgot due to his Alzheimer he had just had that conversation. In this, obviously child voice, the same thing happens, out of pure joy in life. Were it not a child voice, I might offer a suggestion or two. However, I think changes would ruin the tone of the poem. It is beautiful just as it is, to my ear.
Way cool! I love ballads, and this is very good. There are a couple of places where the rhythm is not perfect. This is my worst criticism. As for content, I lack the knowledge base to evaluate that. I really like the story, the description and how the rhythm drives the tale.
I enjoyed this. Your writing style is unusual, formal, and yet interesting and a bit light hearted.
Problems:
"Aspenwall had shipped any number of ex-marines to man the tops, and there were cutlasses, grenados, battle-axes galore, but he was a cautious man, and tried to choose his prey rather more carefully than your bona fide pirate might."
I think this would be much easier to understand if split in two sentences.
"...little of the pleasures." few of the pleasures or little of the pleasure?
"Those that did not worked in taverns..." Comma after not
"There were also shops selling beer, wine, and gin, with names like Binnacle, Barnacle, and Mostly George, but usually the dogs had just rolled in something and Angelique would have to hasten back up the hill without a visit to the watering-places of Marblehead, which were already taking on a reputation one might term legendary." Another sentence better split. Also, I don't get the connection between the dogs rolling in something and her need to hasten back up the hill.
"But privately though, those impulses and desires were not entirely thwarted, being to an extent mutually acknowledged and indulged in, the real and present desire and impulse being stronger than the guilt, remorse, and probable retribution —at least for long enough for the impulse and desire to be assuaged, however temporarily. " I find this confusing.
There are a couple of minor typos around the middle.
I especially like the last two paragraphs. Thank you for pointing this out for me to read. Where ar the other chapters?
The inclusion of the imagery of traditional people "mother sun and sister moon" enriches this poem. The identification with a saint who focused on the natural environment invites this inclusion. This is a hopeful piece that pulls the self into the spiritual. I like the rhyme, rhythm and repetitions. It has a chant like quality. I can imagine it said/sung with a drum.
The rhythm is inconsistent in the first two lines, and in the next to the last line. I can understand wanting to say alleluia, but it doesn't fit the rhythm. Would you consider "Praise to you my Living Lord" for that line? Or "Praise and Alleluia, Lord?" I think this is not hard to fix.
Thank you for sharing this. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it.
Elizabeth
It interests me that you "jump" from "what if" to "we must."
That said, I would encourage you to extend your metaphor of contemplation as a divine activity. Perhaps you could focus on how the rest of life would take place - the eating, the bathing, the rearing of children, the care of the elderly under such an expectation. There are many directions you could go with metaphor. I can imagine a poem just about lemmings from the perspective of the lemming using many of the ideas you present.
I like the meditative quality of this piece. It inspires me to think about those things for myself. I like the idea of taking time to find meaning and purpose.
When people are in situations like this, they don't see the big picture, the wave, the world. Their focus narrows to the immediate. I think this could be strengthened considerably if you focus more in this way. I wonder if you would just imagine yourself trying to get control of your mind, trying to comprehend the water at your feet and talk more about that.
This is very strong.
It sounds like a response to specific scripture. It would help to put the reference at the top, under the title. It reads very well up to the last line. This just does not fit the rhythm or the mood. Without the reference, I cannot evaluate what has not worked.
This is quite different. I wasn't sure, the first time I read it, quite how I felt about it, but, I was compelled to read it again. This is a very good sign about the quality of writing. This is painful to read, and it is hard to like something that is painful. Nevertheless, I really like it. It speaks on multiple levels - cognitive, emotional, interpersonal, and has an intensely metaphorical quality. It is difficult to communicate the relationship between the non offending parent who fails to protect with the child who has been abused. I think you did an excellent job in this. The child is thinking aloud about her relationship with the perpetrator, but the mother does not hear. It has an authentic child voice, and meanders much as one would expect.
The last line is as it should be, but lacks the music of the rest of the poem. That is the only thing I would change.
Thank you for sharing this. i think it is excellent.
Elizabeth
The analogy is quite fitting. The exchange is pleasant. It takes place in ordinary ways, but the times it happens are extraordinary, as is a carnival.
The writing could use quite a bit of tweaking. There are typos, and some of the wording is rough compared to other wording that is excellent. The last three lines of the first paragraph are my favorite. I don't understand the last part of the sentence about the man waiting for the bus. The last sentence in that paragraph also confuses me a bit.
This reads as if it just fell onto the page and has yet to be revised. It deserves the effort of revision.
This is excellent, and it rings true. The first stanza is powerful and really drew me in, but the second stanza gives it that power: "the pain, the peace, the shell"
I had to re read the third stanza to understand it. The problem is the word "having." I wonder how "keeping" would work.
Stanza 4 is fine.
Stanza 5 bothers me: "take in the life" could be construed as taking something from the baby. I wonder if a more sensory word would work better.
I wonder if you couldn't strengthen the last line with a more active word than "then" such as "learn" "discover" or "sense."
This is one of those brief pieces for which careful consideration of each word makes a huge impact on the quality of the whole poem. You clearly communicate wisdom and in that way, nothing needs improvement. My suggestions are about refinement to a higher level that is possible, though this is wonderful, just as it is.
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