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151
151
Review of In the Black  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed your tale very much. I sometimes wish I had a secret, colorful other self.

As flash fiction, it moves along quickly and only gives the faintest hint of what it to come.

There are technical writing problems that need attention:

run on sentence;
He didn’t join the company bowling league, or ride the train home like the other employees and get to know them, rarely speaking to them except with one or two word responses, instead of a full sentence.

Incomplete sentence:
Dubbed peculiar by his co-workers until the mailroom guy, Eddie, applied for a position as a ‘roadie’ on weekends for an up and coming band.

typo:
with and eager crowd

incomplete sentence:
Iron Man guitar riff and applaud.

These are easy fixes. Sometimes in the rush of meeting a contest deadline, we can't get the objectivity to see our own mistakes. It helps to have someone else proofread.

Thank you for sharing!
Elizabeth

lead guitar singer. His hair slicked back,
152
152
Review of Coming Home  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Ken!
I love this! it is schmaltzy and rhythmic and sentimental, all qualities that usually turn me off, but I really like it. Perhaps it is the relationship to the image of Christmas, or the image of the crutch that triggers thoughts of Amahl and the Night Visitors. Perhaps it is the picture of prayer being answered for one that answers a need for another.
The reason matters little. As for criticism, nothing of substance occurs to me. If you want a line by line careful critique, I'd give it a try. However, I would just rather enjoy and go on.
Louise
153
153
Review of The Winter King  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lovely!
154
154
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Some gluttony! Nibbled carrots? The reindeer? Santa's rabbit? The Easter Bunny. This tickles me. Thanks, Ken.
Louise
155
155
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Maria,
I like this. It communicates the conflict present in apathy and depression vividly.
I like the rhythm and excellent use of words.
My only small problem is, I notice a few times where you use "the" that seem unnecessary to me, as they improve neither clarity or rhythm.
Good work. Good luck in the contest!
Elizabeth
156
156
Review of The Laidly Wyrm  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR* I am drawn into the tale, and feel instant sympathy for the heroine.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2* I like the rhythm, and the end especially.


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2* There are a couple of places where the rhythm is not quite right. I have a little problem with the next to the last verse: I expect a story of a final battle, but then there is none.


*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR* I really enjoyed this poem.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
157
157
Review of The Wood Carver  
In affiliation with Two-in-One Poetry Contest Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ken,
This is an heroic tale, and I really like it.
I especially like the next to the last stanza.
Line two: consider "They long had awaited this time," for improved rhythm. I see other lines that could have improved rhythm simply by rearranging the words. Line three of stanza one, could be: "foretold by the spirits of earth." I wonder if you might like to capitalize spirits of earth.
A strong story deserves consistent rhythm.
Thank you for sharing this.
Elizabeth
158
158
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a compelling tale, sad, compassionate.
I like the description of the boy who is speaking.
I wish the girl was described in more detail.
I found the end a bit confusing.
I hope that over time, you will fine tune this as it has a solid story, depth, and relevance.
159
159
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

Raechelle,
This is well reasoned and moving. It is well written, concise and focused.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like how you wrote this without judging people, but instead, evaluated a way of thinking. It seems objective while being deeply personal. In this regard, it is useful. I also like that you offered something else to read that elaborates on your theme.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

You talk about the issue as though it were a matter of faith rather than reason: "I don't believe..." In this, you fall away from your strong argument.
My suggestion would be, perhaps, "whether or not alcohol addiction is a disease, it is your responsibility whether you drink." I suggest this so that even the folks who disagree with the "science" behind diagnosis can listen and learn. You seem to argue against the higher power part of AA. I think you could focus on this a bit more to explain in more detail how you think this is a problem. I sense a conflict: if I am to overcome my pattern of behavior, what is the source of my power to do this? If I don't believe in an external higher power, then where does my power to do so come from? I suspect you know the answer to this and could make it pretty clear. I find arguments that mix faith and reason to be somewhat cloudy and unclear. If you can address faith with reason and not use them interchangeably, your argument will be stronger.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

You clearly demonstrate deep understanding and good skill with writing. I hope my suggestions are clear enough to be of some use.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
160
160
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

A sweet poem about a favorite topic of mine, birds.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the simplicity with which the images are presented. I like to tone, rather meditative, then gently, reality is introduced.


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

There is a typo in the third line.

In the next to the last line: "They still sound so enchanting as they shout..." I suggest you consider dropping "so" or "still" and use only one of them. It just seems like too many modifiers.


*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

I enjoyed reading this!

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
161
161
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

This expresses a strong sentiment or perspective which may be controversial in a thought provoking way.



*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the clarity of the statement, and the fact that it is thought provoking.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

Two things bother me:
1. capitalization and punctuation are inconsistent;
2. the poem tells rather than shows.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

This topic is very challenging to present metaphorically, but would be an extraordinary poem done so. As it is right now, it is OK.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
162
162
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

I could not resist looking when you said it was a first poem. I feel very lucky to read someones first poem. I also enjoyed reading it, very much.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

This is a "list" poem. I love list poems. Spelling and grammar are good, and title matches content.

I love the sensory details, sound, texture, smell. I love the repetition of the toothpaste at the end of each season. Very nice touch.


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

Starting sentence after sentence With "I" gets old after a while. I would encourage you to find other ways to begin some of your sentences.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Wonderful first poem!

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
163
163
Review of Revelation  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

I enjoyed reading this. Instead of being about a specific first love, though there are places that refer to a specific first love, this is about first loves in general. A different approach to the prompt.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I went back to find a particular line, and liked them all. The rhythm is consistent, rhyme scheme consistent from beginning to end, and word choice is excellent. It is easy to identify with the speaker. The title fits the content.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

The only thing I don't like is it feels almost "academic" in its objectivity. The tone suggests the speaker is still struggling to believe the content of his own words. I am not sure if this is really a shortcoming, or just a natural sound when one is still tender from a lost love.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

All in all, a well executed piece of writing.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
164
164
Review of Farewells  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

Very well done!

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*
This uses quality language and does not sacrifice content to fit the form.
I love these lines: "no predictable direction,
but the eloquence of solitude,"

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I just don't understand "to voice of victory."
I can't see how it fits in the rest of the poem.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Keep up the good work!

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
165
165
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

I love talking about the weather. Who doesn't. This was a good read. I had no idea the drought that hit west Texas went so far east.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the reference to Rush Limbaugh. Don't you wish he had to spend a summer like that with no rich man's comforts? Of course, he is rich because he is stupid. Go figure. Anyway, it all makes one wonder.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I really don't know if this is an essay or a poem. It doesn't matter, I guess, what it is, but, from the form, I expected poetry.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

I am surprised more people aren't writing about weather here on WDC.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
166
166
Review of Empty Tracks  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

How very sad. We have tracks still in heavy use in my town. However, I love trains and would hate if they were gone.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the personification, "lady love." I just like the entire mood and can almost hear a ghost whistle in the distance.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

There are a few minor grammatical errors, and a few places where the rhythm is just a tiny bit uneven. For example "don't" instead of "doesn't" is very common usage, but still not accepted as standard English. On the other hand, doesn't would mess up the rhythm, and the voice of the speaker sounds like a working person who would use don't. "From off" is also not standard usage. I don't know just what to say about that. Perhaps "taken from the scene" would work.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

I hate to point out problems with something I like so much. It sounds like my father's poetry. I hope my comments will be helpful.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
167
167
Review of When Mama Wrote  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

I wish I had known Mama. She sounds so lively and creative!

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

This is a wonderful portrait of a creative woman. I love the images of the bags and of the roller coaster. I especially love the last stanza. She clearly is in your heart.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I don't see anything I would change.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

What better way to honor creativity than to write a poem!

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
168
168
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

The feelings in this poem are clearly presented, title fits content, and some of the metaphors are excellent.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like this stanza best:
"He was the song in my heart, the leap in my limbs,
the twinkle in my eye, the light that never dims."
The rhythm is strong and consistent, and "the leap in my limbs" seems totally original. The end rhyme is strong, and there is both assonance and consonance throughout. It sounds good.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

The two weaknesses of this poem are uneven rhythm, and some phrases are overused including "twinkle in my eye, song in my heart.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

This is a very good effort, I am glad I read it, and I hope you will continue to revise and turn it into an excellent poem.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
169
169
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

This is as clear an expression of loneliness as any I have read.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like that no happy ending was forced onto the poem. I like that there are several details of different expressions of the feeling. I like the image "I cried until my eyes were dry."


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

The title suggests a journey, but when I read the first line, I almost stopped reading because that overused phrase suggested there is no depth to the poem. I'm glad I continued, as there is lots of depth. I would suggest describing the trip into misery in a more novel way.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

I don't know if this is a true personal statement or just a poem. If it is a personal statement, I hope you get lots of readers and reviews so you will know someone heard. Also, in writing, I hope you see more clearly the choices you are making so you can see alternatives that can help you feel your own life in every minute of your days.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
170
170
Review of A Sad Song I Sing  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

I really like this! Many relationship poems bore me, but this is fresh and interesting.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the unusual use of language. It is not standard English, but you are using the words in a distinctive and original way. I love the first two stanzas and this line "I start to stop what I say,"

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

In the first line, "start" should be "starts. In the last line of the third stanza, "eyes" and "colors" are plural, but "looks" would be used with the singular, so, "looks" should be "look." I don't understand the second line of the 4th stanza. In the second line of the 5th stanza "make me standing on my own," "Make" and "standing" don't agree. "Leave me standing" or "make me stand" would be correct.
"But this path keep is getting longer" You can use "keeps" without "is" or "is" without "keep."
"A mellow tune start to fade away" You can say "starts to" or "fades" without "start to."

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Even though I have suggested corrections to make this fit standard usage, there are places that I deliberately did not suggest change to a more standard approach because the non standard usage gives the poem charm. In fact, I don't know how much I would change this to standard English. You are the poet. You decide.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
171
171
Review of Holding On  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

I love it! I have a quote pinned to my bulletin board - forget where it came from - goes something like this: a definition of poetry might be a clear expression of mixed feelings. This fits that definition to a T!

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I love the last line, and how the poem builds to it. I like the brevity and the intensity.


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I see no problem.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

If at first you have held on, then, and only then can you let go.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
172
172
Review of Tag  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

This sincere elegy speaks to the heart of any dog lover with passion and emotional power.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like that it is written from the dog's perspective.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

The content is excellent. The rhythm is problematic, and seems more so as the end approaches. Then, finally, the form of the poem seems to disappear. This is forgivable in an elegy to a loved one, but, if you want it to be a good poem, this could use some work.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

I appreciate the opportunity to know about Tag.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
173
173
Review of Secrets  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR* Hi, and welcome to Writing.com. It looks as if you have come to the right place. This is an excellent first poem.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I like the depth of emotion and insight in this poem.
"But all secrets do is simple
They exploit what mankind lacked" This is very thought provoking.

You have a quality in this poem of making it a sort of secret by never revealing what the secrets are: state secrets? personal secrets? secret formulas? While all through the poem there is clearly a shadowed mood, it is not until the end that you reveal just how painful all of this can be, no matter what secrets they are. Rhyme and meter can soften or emphasize the mood of a poem, depending on the language within. In this case, it emphasizes the discomfort attached to the secrets. The reader and speaker are pulled forward, not knowing what secrets are present or how they will impact their progress.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

The content of this poem is fascinating. You could improve your rhyme and rhythm. (Now, understand, people say that to me all the time and I do get exasperated. It is your poem and you don't have to change a thing if it is how you want it. I assume you want feedback to make it better or you would not have posted it.)

The way to evaluate rhythm/meter is to mark strong and short accent lines above each syllable thus:
, , / , / , / ,
But all secrets do is simple

The dickens of the thing is arranging, replacing and rearranging words to make the rhythm the same in every line with the same number of beats while retaining meaning and using the meter to enhance understanding of the meaning, if you are writing formal rhymed poetry. When I get discouraged, I look at Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, who was writing by hand without our modern helps like a thesaurus on the computer and a rhyming dictionary. If he could do it that way, I should be able to do it with all this help. However, it is hard. So then, you get to choose, free verse or formal verse. Which will carry your message best. (Perhaps you know all of this. If so, please just ignore.) In this case, I am glad you chose formal form.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

This is a great first poem. I assume there are many efforts before this and this in not the first poem you have written. It shows a capacity for thinking poetically.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
174
174
Review of Blue  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

It is very hard to write a small poem well. This is good.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

The simplicity and clarity of image, and the repetition in the last lines.


*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

In short poems, every word gets notice. Each word must move the poem forward, and if it doesn't, it needs elimination or replacement. In your second stanza:
"Music resonates
Lifting the soul
And still
Nothing but blue"

Consider eliminating "and" in the third line. If "still" is set by itself, it stops the mind on the word and suggests there is more to the word than is obvious. Still means now, and again now, and without movement, and if you go to a rather oblique interpretation based on the use of that word in the middle of "distill," it suggests purity. Then, it also refers back to the two sentences above and forward to the last sentence suggesting:
music that is pure, moving without moving, present at any given moment
lifting the soul, in the now, and again in the next now, lifting without strain, offering purity to the soul, presenting stillness, calm, without contaminants or distractions, and all fulfilling. In this context, the "and" adds nothing, and can distract from the power of that single word.

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

Lovely work with color as image.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
175
175
Review of Beauty  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.

*RainbowL* Overall Impression:*RainbowR*

This is a lovely meditation, the sort of meditation that suggests new awareness and contains wisdom.

*Vine1* What I like:*Vine2*

I love the images, just one after another, many of which are true, and trigger awareness to the uncommon:
"But even in the slums of India there is beauty,
And even in the depths of despair there is beauty,
But the most beautiful gift is the ability to notice it,"

This is wisdom.

*Vignette2* Problems and suggestions:*Vignette2*

I think you could improve this by working on sound, assonance, alliteration, rhyme. The content is lovely and valuable. You have some lovely sound here and there:
"It's the screams of laughter in a water fight,
And the magic of fireflies in the night,
Beauty is the essence of life,"

I would just like to see more of this: Laughter, water, fire
fight, flies, night, life

*BalloonR* Comments:*BalloonR*

This is headed into true beauty.

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing!

Elizabeth
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