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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Contradictions  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello

As you consider my comments, please remember, I am just one person with my own perspective. Please use what helps you express your ideas and ignore the rest.

First impression: I really like this a lot!
content: an experience of anxiety that does not help the person having the experience understand or grow. I suspect this is a universal experience.
form: appropriate to content, straight-forward, supports the mood.

What I Like: This is a bit like the middle of the night awakening when one is disconnected from both yesterday and tomorrow, yet experiencing the transitioning emotions.

Improvements you might consider: I would work on the rhythm a bit. Line 4 could use "resembles" instead of "sounds like" for example. line six might work better with "so much so that..."

Thank youfor sharing this. I enjoyed reading it.

Louise's name is Elizabeth
52
52
Review of I Am Home  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello

As you consider my comments, please remember, I am just one person with my own perspective. Please use what helps you express your ideas and ignore the rest.

First impression:
content: This is important and insightful.
form: appropriate to content

What I Like: I like that a change in physical orientation can bring about growth in the soul.

Improvements you might consider: I would drop the trite beginning " home is where the heart is" as I found it off-putting and unnecessary. I would expand a bit on how it is that the move brought about the change. I think this would create stronger support for the conclusion, which though true, seems only slightly connected.

Thank youfor sharing this. I enjoyed reading it.

Louise's name is Elizabeth
53
53
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well said!
54
54
Review of 24 Syllables  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Beholden,

As you consider my comments, please remember, I am just one person with my own perspective. Please use what helps you express your ideas and ignore the rest.

First impression: This folder is very nicely done with pictures illustrating tiny, concise poems.
content: Each nugget offers a brief meditation on a specific word.
form: I actually wasn't thinking about form beyond how it worked to create the word picture. There is some attention to sound, and the poet's approach to using each word is unique.

What I Like: I like to play with words this way, also. When we spent time with my Dad, both as children and well into our middle ages, he would do things like this with words. Sometimes we would join in, and sometimes just appreciate Dad's creativity. Playing with language is just plain fun, and these are clever and interesting.

Improvements you might consider: I realize this is a critique, but I just don't want to go hunting for a problem. None leaped out at me as I was reading.

Thank you Beholden for sharing this. I enjoyed reading it.

Louise's name is Elizabeth
55
55
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Robert!
I found your story in "Read and Review," and stopped to read as an act of welcoming you to WDC.

As you read my thoughts, please remember I am only one person with an opinion. You are free to use or ignore my feedback.

This interesting story reads like someone is learning to write, and may even be learning English as a second language. I imagine the author is excited about writing the story and hopes the reader will like it. I did like a lot of things about it. The most important idea is the main character discovers inside themself a new way of looking at machines and people that changes his life and direction. I like the main character a lot. He is imaginative, determined, creative, and independent.

The biggest problem I see in the writing is short, choppy sentences. The story doesn't read smoothly. This is something that one learns by continuing to write and by reading their work aloud so they can hear whether the writing is smooth or choppy. My first writing teacher gave me some valuable advice when I asked him how to learn to write: "write something every day." I have been doing so ever since and I enjoy writing more and more as my writing improves.

I hope this author continues to write and keep learning how to do it better and better. The imagination in this story suggests the person can become skilled and share lots of interesting stories and ideas.

Thank you for sharing your story. and Welcome to Writing.com!

Elizabeth


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
56
56
Review of Heaven of freedom  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jaya,
I found your poem on the read and review page.

As you consider my comments, please remember, I am just one person with my own perspective. Please use what helps you express your ideas and ignore the rest.

First impression: First, I was expecting some patriotic piece. Quickly, I saw this was not exactly it so then, I was expecting this to be another of many religious poems that all seem to say the same thing. It is neither.
content:This author is writing about the freedom to use reason. Way cool!
form: blank verse is used to talk about freedom with lots of internal rhyme, assonance, and consonance.

What I Like: I like the movement and the internal repetition of sounds. I like the imagery and the subject of the poem.

Improvements you might consider: I just have a little trouble with considering a cage as alluring to a bird. Safe, perhaps, but I just don't like alluring. However, it isn't my poem.

Thank youfor sharing this. I enjoyed reading it.

Louise's name is Elizabeth
57
57
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
General impression: This intensely emotional poem is full of biting images and communicates considerable inner turmoil.
Form: free verse, spoken in third person voice
content: a "fly on the wall" view of a therapy session with a disengaged therapist.

What I like: The poet uses the inertia of the listener to heighten the intensity of the subject's inner experience, and to suggest the subject can find peace on his own.

Things that might have room for improvement: I would quibble with an occasional choice of word order and emphasis. Nothing serious.

Summary: This is a fine expression of a difficult subject.
58
58
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I very much enjoyed reading this! Thanks for sharing.
59
59
Review of Her  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sammy,
Thank you for the gift points!

This is much improved. I'm glad you found my feedback useful. I see a couple of other things that might be tweaked a bit:

The words in line two need to be separated by commas or dashes or each given a separate line. I see the same issue in line 14.

Starting a line of poetry with "it is" doesn't usually work well for artistry (line 9).

The persona in this poem is very active and seems powerful to me. I suggest you use the Ideanary here at Writing.com to find stronger words than "beautiful," "framing," and "little."

As I said, these are only suggestions and yours to use or ignore as you see fit. I am very glad you found my critique helpful. I would like to say, I am fussy about what I will critique in that the poem must really draw my interest in the first place. Critiquing yours is a compliment and a real pleasure.

Keep writing!
Elizabeth
60
60
Review of Her  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
*RainbowL* I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* Overall Impression:
This poem uses personification to describe love for home.*RainbowR*

*Vine1* What I like: I like that the description includes images quite different from usual feminine descriptions. I love he movement of the "she" as she dances. I love the end. *Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think*Problems and suggestions: In this stanza, I have some concerns:

1. "Not nearly is it as enticing or entrancing,' might go better if you cut "is it" and in the next line, I don't see how "however" fits.

2: "Round and round she goes." has a different feel to me than the rest of the stanza; it seems to lack the admiration in the rest of the poem.

3: "Pirouettes and gracefulness;" seems less rhythmic than dancing deserves. I wonder if something like: pirouetting gracefully or with graceful pirouette, or she pirouettes with grace, might work better. I do see rhyme as a possible issue. If that is the case, perhaps it could be Pirouetted gracefulness might work.

4: "until time and space seem small." this is great!

5: "They're insignificant meaningless" Who is "they?" Time and space? If I got that right, you could leave "They're" out and make it more understandable.

when compared to her.*Vignette2*
'

*BalloonR* Comments: I hope this doesn't seem like I've been excessive. I can see why you are not sure about it as the overall idea is original, beautiful, and thought-provoking, but the writing in that stanza needs some work. I hope you find this helpful. *BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Elizabeth
61
61
Review of The Mirror's Gaze  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Tim,
This is really good!
Thanks for sharing it.
Louise
62
62
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhyssa,
I found your poem on the read and review page. I was ready for some fun.
This poem is fun and delightful. It has the flavor of a ballad, but not the form. I read the prompt and I must admit, had I been thinking of entering that contest, I think I would have waited for a different prompt. I'm glad you didn't.
I hope it wins/won the contest.
The rhythm and rhyme give it a playful quality.
I can see nothing I think needs changed.
Thank you for sharing this.
Keep writing!
Louise is Elizabeth
63
63
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
*RainbowL* Hi Kristina,
I found your poem in the "read and review" section. I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* Overall Impression: This is a free verse poem based on a Cherokee ledgend. *RainbowR*

*Vine1* What I like: I like the message of this poem. I love how it ends. This is really cool! *Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think* Problems and suggestions: In line three, "feelings, behaviors and attitudes" could be more musical or poetic if you use different words that have assonance and/or consonance. The rhythm of the words is quite pleasant. In line 7, I wonder if you could use a different word than "ugly." All of the other words you use relate to internal experience. Ugly seems visual to me, which is irrelevant to the story. It contributes little to the meaning. The same is true for the word "beautiful" in line 10. Finally, the end of the next to the last line should end with a colon:
*Vignette2*


*BalloonR* Comments: I think this wise tale is worth the effort you are making. I really like it. *BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Louise is Elizabeth



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
64
64
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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*RainbowL*
Hi Beck,
I found your story on the "read and review" page. I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* Overall Impression: I usually bypass prose and just read poetry, but there was something that drew me in from the beginning and I just kept reading. I don't know a lot about writing short stories, so I can't give much of a technical critique. *RainbowR*

*Vine1* What I like: I love the train trip with all the interesting stops. I would love to take that trip. I like both characters and the development of the friendship. I really like the end. That is really cool! *Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think*Problems and suggestions: I didn't notice any problems. *Vignette2*


*BalloonR* Comments: Thank you for the fun read! *BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Elizabeth
65
65
Review of Eyes Now Open  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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*RainbowL* Hi Cheri Annemos,
I found this poem in your Port after reading another you wrote that I liked on the Read and Review page. I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* Overall Impression: This is a poem written in the ollivejo style about courage. *RainbowR*

*Vine1* What I like: I like the form. I've not encountered it before. The author has made good use of it to express her ideas.*Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think*Problems and suggestions: In the first stanza,
I am puzzled. I don't see how not falling down will help find courage. *Vignette2*


*BalloonR* Comments: As the poem builds, I begin to see that the courage discussed is the courage to leave the situation rather than to face it. This, I agree, is courage. *BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Louise
66
66
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Tim,
Reading this made me think of the poem "Man-moth" by Elizabeth Bishop. I see no similarity exactly, but the theme seems similar. Her approach is more "lyrical" where yours is more "narrative" in style.
In your poem, you use lovely, descriptive, scientific language. It is clear and says directly what you want to say with beauty of sound. However, it seems a bit labored.

"He thinks the moon is a small hole in the top of the sky, Proving the sky quite useless for protection."

I can't say exactly why the connection between her poem and yours came to me, but it has something to do with that feeling I have that you are working very hard to make your point. Elizabeth Bishop, too, worked very hard. It took her years to write each poem. Somehow, she managed to create poetry that feels spontaneous. I encourage you to find the poem and read it. It is available at the website: poetryfoundation.org.
Have a good day!
Louise
67
67
Review of The Atom's Heart  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*RainbowL* Hi Neva,
I found this poem on the read and review page. I see it has been in your port for quite a while. I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* Overall Impression:This is a shape poem based on a spiritual quote. The shape attracts the reader.*RainbowR*

*Vine1* What I like: I really like the quote you used and how you grew your poem from it. The quote is truly amazing! I like the shape poem. I don't usually like shape poems, but this is just right. *Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think*Problems and suggestions:I see nothing I would change. *Vignette2*


*BalloonR* Comments: Well done! *BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Louise

68
68
Review of Half A Heart  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hi Harry,
I think I reviewed another of your pieces recently. I found this on the "read and review" page.
*RainbowL* I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* Overall Impression: This is a well crafted story written from the point of view of a wife/sister. It is sad and poignant. The poem is in 4 line stanzas with rhyme scheme abca, defd, ghig etc. *RainbowR*

*Vine1* What I like: I like that this poem is carefully written and that it is emotionally evocative. I like that the story is being told within a marriage, and the husband acts respectfully. *Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think*Problems and suggestions: When I read "my dear sister" it felt as if that phrase didn't match the rest of the speaker's presentation. I don't know why. It felt to me that it would make sense to say "my only sister," or "my older or younger sister, or my dying sister. *Vignette2*


*BalloonR* Comments: It is refreshing to read something well written.*BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Elizabeth
69
69
Review of A Final Gift  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, there you have done it! You wrote a sad and sweet poem that I really like. Am I surprised? Not in the least. You do this with some regularity. I like the juxtaposition of the message in a bottle and the speaker's grief. I like how you used sound. Yep, this is a dandy. Thanks for sharing.
70
70
Review of Floating  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi Mena,
I found your poem on the "Read and Review" page.

*RainbowL* I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* Overall Impression: I thought I was reading a documentation of a meditation experience. Then, you commented that you are thinking things through. I think, but am uncertain that your statement validated my impression. *RainbowR*

*Vine1* What I like: I like thinking about riding on a cloud and the peaceful feelings that image engenders. The entire mood of the poem is soothing and suggestive of calmness. *Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think*Problems and suggestions: I had a little problem with the idea of a "solid cloud." In my mind, that would be a block of ice and not at all soothing. Perhaps another descriptor would convey your idea better.

Also, if I am on a cloud, I can see lots of blue sky, but it isn't clear as there is a cloud upon which I am riding. (Perhaps I'm being a bit picky on this one. It's just a thought."*Vignette2*


*BalloonR* Comments: This is a great way to share peaceful feelings with others.*BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Elizabeth


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
71
71
Review of Back Back  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi Fivesixer,
I found this poem on the Read and Review page,
*RainbowL* I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* Overall Impression: This 4 line poem is wise. *RainbowR*

*Vine1* What I like: This poem is focused on a moment of insight and shares the wiscom effectively. *Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think*Problems and suggestions: If I were writing this poem, which I am not, I would discard the "a" before determination. I tripped over it when I was reading and I can't see how it contributes to the meaning.
Also, I wonder if sharing how you came to this insight as part of the poem might be quite interesting and enhance the poem. One of the universal rules of great writing is "show, don't tell." *Vignette2*


*BalloonR* Comments: Although this is wise and well constructed, it could be more interesting if you include a story of how you came to this insight.*BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Elizabeth
72
72
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Bikerider,
I found your character sketch on the read and review page. I offer my impressions hoping you will receive them as suggestions to consider and use or ignore. I am not an expert.

Overall impression: It appears you are describing your grandfather. In your description, you provide a clear picture of his appearance, his family context, and some of the significant experiences that impact his life.

Things I like: I like that you have included important historical context and a bit of outline of the progression of events without losing focus on the character study. I also think I could like this man.

Problems: You need to look at your use of Immigration/Emigration. I think you may have misused them. Also, you say he is the youngest of 9 children and then say his mother is young. This does not work in my mind. Your description of his marital and extramarital relationships is bland. As I have never read about how to do a character sketch, I recognize it is possible that this is appropriate. I do hope when you write about this character, this will change.
At the beginning, you state his father's business is an earthworm farm, but later, it is a silkworm farm.

Summary: I think you can develop this into a really fine story.Keep working on it.
Louise
73
73
Review of Brewing Coffee  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Neva,
*RainbowL* I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Review team. I offer my opinion based on my limited experience. It is only one in a world of opinions and yours to use or ignore.*RainbowR*

*RainbowL* *MugB* OverallImpression: This is a brief meditation on morning coffee, free verse and contaiing a moment of memoir. *RainbowR*
Y
*Vine1* What I like: Your writing is concise and focused. It makes me want another cup of coffee. *Vine2*


*Vignette2* *Think*Problems and suggestions: I don't see any problem. I have been studying the writing of Robert Lowell the last few days and I really like it. In thinking about your poem from this influence, I suspect you could expand on it and make it more interesting by adding details in the reference to your grandfather, and/or more details about the present like how the coffee will contribute to the activities before you. *Vignette2*


*BalloonR* Summary: Well written but could be more interesting.. *BalloonR*

*Earth* Thank you for sharing.

*Quill* Keep writing *Smile* !

Elizabeth


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
74
74
Review of Zimbabwe Child  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you Judi, for giving the children a voice. You did an excellent job of communicating the pain of the people. Your explanation also helped bring it into the present. You seem so well informed; have you been there?
Elizabeth
75
75
Review of Springtime Colors  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Harry,
I found this poem on the Read and Review page. I review it as a member of the Simply Positive Review Team. You are free to use or ignore my comments as I am not an expert.

This is a metered, rhymed poem extolling the glories of spring. The mood is happy, optimistic, and the writing is very good.

The only problem I see is that in my climate, trumpet vines bloom much later than dogwood, as do azaleas. Redbud overlaps with dogwood, as do jonquils, daffodils and hyacinth.Tulips follow.

Thank you for sharing and reminding me spring is just around the corner. The crocus will be up in just about two weeks.
Louise
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