Hi Jellyfish 
My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know  ) and I chose to review your item today as part of the review challenge at the "Invalid Item"  . I saw your name on the Dark Dreamscape's Members List and have enjoyed your work before so I thought I'd see what you had hiding in your port. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Fishbones" .
 First Impression/Thoughts:
Darkish but not really dark; more disconnected from the world.
 Creativity/Impact:
I thought your poem was creative in the style you chose and in the images you painted to express your feelings of drifting free. That loss of an anchor to what's going on around you will ring true with many readers.
 Message/Theme:
The theme of feeling detached and wandering aimlessly is prevalent throughout you write. You've used a lot of metaphors to try and capture those feelings but there seems to be no real emotional connection to your plight. It doesn't worry you, you're not really unhappy with it, it just ... is.
 Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your disjoined words  .
 Title - "Fishbones" The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see and it's what's drew me to read this. It was quirky and aroused my curiosity; was this a poem about choking or something darker and more sinister? Alas, it was neither. I finally settled on the reference you made to it in the poem meaning something thrown away and a remnant of something once seen as having value. Perhaps, I could even see as a reference to death, although not the physical kind; more of having been a part of something once living but no longer.
 Grammar/Wording - Well chosen words were used to create the images of separateness that you describe. I enjoyed discovering "Bladderwrack," a word I was unfamiliar with (but not any longer  ). Growing up in California and having spent a great deal of my time in it, I knew it as kelp . Written in free verse, the normal rules for punctuation and capitalization don't apply although I was pleased to see that you did use them. I think it helps to guide the reader; to know where to pause, and where to stop and let what was just read soak in before continuing.
 Form/Flow - I've probably said this before (in fact, I'm sure I have ); free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic norms, or simply the use of poetic lines. That's what I look for when reading. In free verse, every single line should be written and placed for a reason. I think you did a good job of both making this feel like poetry and flow like poetry.
 Poetic devices - This was metaphorically rich, with lots of images created to express your feelings. Generally, that's a good thing as many readers may not "get" one image but will immediately identify with another. Here, I felt that juxtaposing images without separation put them in conflict with each other. For example, "I will leave like a spent tornado, Like a ship in the night." Both are strong images but I couldn't put together in my mind in any logical relationship and yet, you joined them together as though one followed the other.
 Emotion/Imagery - Certainly, the imagery here is strong and captivating. I particularly enjoyed the "flotsam" verse . The image of bottles without messages resonated with me and I may have to steal that idea at some future time .
 Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
  I think we've all felt this way (well, maybe not to the extreme described LOL). I enjoyed reading this and exploring my own feelings of being detached at times. Your talent and ability to pull the reader into this unique world of loneliness and separation was evident as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. I felt, however, that perhaps you were too detached in writing this, focused more on your own feelings and not aware of the reader's need to make sense of what you wrote. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.
Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.
Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,
Ken
** Image ID #1987307 Unavailable ** |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
First Impression/Thoughts: 
Creativity/Impact:
Message/Theme:
Title - "My Mother the Star" - I thought your title clearly announced what the story was about. The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see and I thought invited the reader in to explore what was in this world of yours. You did incorporate the title into the story content as well which I thought was an excellent use and brought the image into the tale.
Grammar/Wording - I thought the words of the young daughter were appropriate as she discovered the wonders around her. You did refer to the mother as "a silent film star" multiple times which made it a bit repetitive. Consider switching up the descriptions. "An actress on the silent screen" or even a "silent movie thespian" might work 
Form/Flow - This was a well written and easy to read primarily narrative story. I saw no errors, technically. Our protagonist was the daughter of a silent movie star. I wish that you had named her; I think it would have made it easier to make her into a real person and not leave her dangling in the realm of fiction. Of minor note - not affecting the story except for the most discerning reader 
Emotion/Imagery - Great use of description to bring us into the 1920's. Lots of little details (I had to chuckle at the frozen dinners - if only she knew what a bane they would become 
Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
First Impression/Thoughts: 
Creativity/Impact:
Message/Theme:
Technique/Technical Notes: I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. I encourage you to consider what I offer but always follow your instinct and heart. You are the poet.
Title: "Compassionate Choices" I couldn't think of a better title if I tried 
Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
Poetic devices - Beyond your poetic word choice (yes, it was meant as a pun LOL) I enjoyed the moments of alliteration (soaring sound swirling, we wend through words) and your use of enjambment was very effective in pulling the reader from line to line. In addition, I thought your use of assonance also made for a pleasing and flowing read.
Not in 12 years? 
. It proves that even when we think we're prepared for anything, our minds don't always second that thought. You've given us such a moment in your short story. Beyond the innate humor, there is a message here: take life as it comes and be prepared to laugh. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Technique/Technical Notes: