Wow! This is a wonderful poem! You've done a fantastic job. At first it reminded me of Cain and Abel, then as I read further, I thought you may have been talking about mythological creatures. Was this based on a mythological story? If it was, you may want to make a little note about where the idea originated from. If not, you may also want to make a little note, maybe at the end, that the poem was your own creation- just my opinion, to soothe the natural curiosity of enquiring minds, like mine.
I thoroughly enjoyed this! Fantastic job!
WRITE ON!
I hope you and your family have a wonderful new year!
Tracey
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** Image ID #1346833 Unavailable **
Oh wow! What a chilling and sad poem. What's so horrible is sooo many- too many children go through similar acts of violence. What adults need to realize is that abuse against each other when a child is within ear-shot, is also abuse against the child. It is scars the children will carry with them for the rest of their lives.
You do a wonderful job with such a tender subject. Your point comes across very strongly. If it will make just one person stop fighting in front of their child, then it's done more good than you'll ever know!
Your rhyming scheme and beat is perfect.
Thanks so much for sharing.
WRITE ON!
Happy New Year!
Tracey
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I absolutely love this story! It had me smiling and chuckling all throughout.
You painted the picture of your beloved Tiny so well, I had no trouble picturing his little escapades.
The story of the spider plant and the skunk family is just about the cutest stories I've ever heard. I'm sure those pictures will stay with me a long time.
You have a few typos- they're listed below:
skepticism on more than jus
skepticism on more than just
kneaded the carpet several with his
kneaded the carpet several times with his
He soured
He soared
and give him a bath
and gave him a bath
He was sitting and comely watched
He was sitting and calmly watching
"Hey dad,
"Hey Dad,
to met ya.”
to meet ya."
cursing the neighborhood.
cruising the neighborhood.
scant sent of skunk
scant scent of skunk
rest o his life.
rest of his life.
Absolutely delightful story! Thanks so much for sharing.
I enjoyed reading your story. You have a great start. My interest is peaked and I'm ready to find out what the girls will find in the old farmhouse!
I do have a few suggestions for your consideration:
grey-haired woman starred down
grey-haired woman stared down
piercing brown eyes,
piercing, brown eyes,
stern look on her face. She was tapping her foot impatiently on the floor.
stern look on her face, tapping her foot impatiently on the floor.
night and not do it during classtime."
Kiki's locker, but there was no there.
Kiki's locker, but she was not there.
'I'll just touch base with her later.' She said to herself, and turned to leave the building.
I'll just touch base with her later, she mumbled to herself, as she turned to leave the building.
On the way home,
she had
death inside the house.
death inside their home.
2-story
Spell out two
leaving just bare,
Several of the windows were just open spaces where the glass once stood, the shutters that had once framed the them had long since fell off leaving only shadows where they once hung.
Dark shadows were now the only frames to several windows which had long ago lost their glass and now stood wide opened to accept the outside, in.
There were large oak trees that surrounded perimeter of the old farmhouse,
Large oak tress surrounded the perimeter of the old farmhouse,
The air, around the farmhouse, smelled old and musty.
Since you're already talking about the area of the farmhouse, you can omit: around the farmhouse
knees to try and catch her breath.
knees, trying to catch her breath.
She to turned her attention
She too, turned her attention
did you make, mom?"
Since Mom is being used as a proper name, it needs to be capped.
did you make, Mom?"
house,"K"."
No need to put K, into quotation marks.
that your staying
that you're staying
#2 pencils.
number two
I hope my review has been helpful to you. Please use only the ones you found helpful and disregard the rest
The opening paragraph caught my attention and the story moved at a nice pace, which held my interest.
I do think the story could be made better by expanding to 'show' more, instead of merely telling about Jacob's life. I know I would have related to the story much more if I had a chance to get to know Jacob. The only sentence that really told me anything about him- other than being adopted, was that he was somewhat of a loner and had a short temper as a kid. Also, it seemed a bit strange that the parents would choose his birthday to break such tremendous news.
In the two sentences below, I'd reword one- as it sounds a bit repetitive:
Great start to your story. It's so surprising that you and Jackson liked her so much with your parents just divorcing. She sounds like a very nice woman.
Here's a few suggestions, for your concideration:
comforters. on it.
*bullet2* towels--the ones
Always put a space after and before the words with the dash; towels - the ones
thankful that this rule
I was 10 then, and Jackson was 5.
There's a lot of different rules for writing out numbers- but the one I tend to go with is the one my english proffessor taught us; spell out all numbers ten and under
*indigo* This is a nice introduction to a story I am really looking forward to reading. I was actually led to chapter 6, when first hearing of your very personal writing- since the story has evolved now into something a bit more personal, involving you and one of the hardest trials you've been through- you may wish to add to the intro, to include a taste of that as well Just a suggestion.
I found one simple typo, you may wish to fix:
Dad's life changed a lot since she met Angelia.
Dad's life changed a lot since HE met Angela.
Great story! Written as if you have been the very girl that experienced such a horror.
I couldn't imagine having to live through something like this (and then being considered lucky to have survived it.) Watching while your friends and family are taking away to die horrific deaths.
Great story! Wonderful strong opening that catches the reader's attention right away. The story does an excellent job of holding the reader's attention.
For the length of the story you did a good job giving it such depth. The dreams of the money play nicely into the death of her husband and possibly the reason behind her dreams.
The ending closes the story up nicely and gives it an ironic twist.
This is a great, creative poem. You say a lot of things that many of us will not say out loud. But I think there is always a part of us who still wants to be taken care of. Doesn't everyone like to be pampered or babied (especially when we're sad or ill?)
I like how you broke this poem up into parts ... steps to growth and evolvement. Very nice
Well done, I don't see where I would make any changes
Whoo girl, if anyone can write dark, it's you! You have done a wonderful job.
Great rhythm. I was looking at the fourth line in the first stanza and the third line in the last stanza. You may want to consider adding more syllables to both of these lines to help with the rhythm- though somehow you do seem to make it work, without distracting away from the beat.
(((Hello)))
It's so nice to have you join us at WDC (writing.com)
I am sure you will find many new friends here and grow
in your writing
I came here 4 years ago, and with so much help, I have
really learned a lot and met some of the most wonderful
people, who I am now proud to call my friends and family
The reviews people send you are to be helpful. That's what we do here - help each other When you get one, you can use it to edit your piece and make the corrections - which will help you grow as a writer, while helping you get a higher rating
on the writing
If there is any thing I can do for you, please let me know!!! I will be soooo glad to help you any way I can.
First, I wanted to help you with your introduction on your port. The introduction is important, because a lot of times it will determine if someone stays and browses all of your wonderful portfolio items
I right mostly
I write mostly
what you people call 'fiction'
I am realy bad at gramer
I am really bad at grammer
if you checkout my story caled 'terrorisim is?'
If you check out my story called, "Terrorism Is?"
find a begining for I think it will loose
find a beginning, for I think it will lose
thanks for coming
Thanks for coming
You have made a wonderful folder to hold all of your writings and have it organized quite well I look forward to getting to know you and reading more of your stories, poems, etc ...
You might want to check and see why your images are not showing up on the introduction to this folder. It's showing a blank square. That usually means it's not written correctly. When I put my mouse up to them, they say colors.
When you want to change the color of your font, write it like this {c: green} (without the space). To end the color, all you have to do is write { /c} *again without the space* and it will end the color you were just using- just write {c: blue} to start a new color You can find more directions and information on this in your pull down menu on the upper left hand side of your screen. Click on Site Tools, and the Writing ML Help.
WELCOME TO MY LIBARY
Welcome to my library
I fyou
If you
then your in the right place to.
then you're in the right place.
I mostly write nvels.
I mostly write novels.
get it write novels on the right you don't?
Get it? Novels on the right.
To the left of that look carfully now you
Carefully look toward your left and you
You got to look really carfully cause thhey are realy short
You need to look carefully, because they're really short
my poems. but you know.
supper
super
ext.
etc ...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 or eles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:]
I would just use one explanation point
I hope this has been helpful to you. If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to drop me a line
I usually don't get into screenplays, but this one did hold my attention all the way through. Good job
It is a bit odd of a tale, and I'm still not entirely sure how the woman at the beginning, the woman's voice on the monitor and everything tie in together? Maybe it's just me - if she's a ghost who has killed her baby when she was alive, then I think some kind of hint suggesting this in some way should be given at the end when it all comes to a climax (was she possessing the mother?)
A good job at an Alfred Hitchcock or Twilight Zone type of story!
I have a few suggestions for you below. Know that these are only my opinions, and I'm just trying to help
Since you are on a writing site that allows your whole story to be posted, I think you should put the whole story in your port, instead of just a link leading to it.
The correct spelling for nursery, is shown. You switch between, nursery and nursury. You may wish to fix the mis-spelled ones.
turns toward the women
turns toward the woman
sleeping the almost the entire time
nursEry
gut buster with chee,
gut buster with cheese,
the baby into the crib
strikes the side with a wench
strikes the side with a wrench
The baby is still inside the still running car.
We hear the baby as he is still crying
Repetive use of the word 'still'. Consider:
We hear the baby has he continues to cry.
The father still now standing
The father is now standing
The baby is still crying. The car's radio is on, fighting for attention with one another.
This doesn't make sense. Consider revising, and also taking out the repetitive word, 'still'
With days of one another, the Secretary of State, the President of Iraq meet, and then?
Within days of one another, the Secretary of State and the President of Iraq meet, and then?
The father jerks up out from the couch
The, again, we hear
Then again we hear
bolts up from the coach
bolts up from the couch
Crying from inside the room continues
Crying continues from inside the room.
never mind, hone
never mind, hon
I hope these suggestions helped you. You have a great story to work with!
This is very nice of you to write a general thank you letter and a letter which encourages new members on writing.com, not to get discouraged or overly-upset at a bad review.
We have all been victims of such reviews, as well as hate rates. It's a sad fact that some people have nothing better to do, or no higher opinion of themselves then to be down-right hateful and cruel.
But writing.com is so worth not letting those type of people dictate rather you stay or go. The helpful, encouraging reviews and rates, way outweigh those of the negative kind. Most of us not only grow in our writing here, but find a place where we truly belong, and a place where life-long friendships are made.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and inspiration with all members of WDC
I enjoyed "getting to know you" better through this brief intoduction.
I remember beginning to read "Home of the Red Fox" a while back. I never finished the story. I remembered it was very well written and had a great story line that held me captivated. I would love to get and autograph copy from you, if possible. Please write me in regards to this request.
I look forward to reading the sequel, but I'm one of those weird people who can't do so until I read the previous book in full
I enjoyed reading about your likes -- I am also a CSI fan. We seem to enjoy a lot of the same type of books as well, though I do enjoy Dean Koontz type novels, as well I love to read just about anything, but non-fiction is usually what I have in my hands.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I wish you a lot of success with your first published book!
Hey sweetie!
Just stopping by! I'm port hopping, trying to visit quite a few ports! I'm so glad I came across this. It says so much and is a great poem!
It's a poem of inspiration that shows you that you can come to terms with a painful past of things that don't seem like they will ever give you peace.
We can find peace with all things that have haunted us in our past -- it may be a rough walk, but with determination, we can leave it there in the past, and not drag it into our future!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have to say you sure did learn that at a young age
You did a great job of showing the boy's excitement of making it to the fort, unseen.
I have a few suggestions for you, should you decide to edit. These are only my suggestions. I hope they help:
see each other(,) let alone
We needed to slip past the girls playing in the street first, in order to reach our fort in the backyard unnoticed, after all it was a boys only fort.
Consider revising:
We wanted to get to our "Boys Only" fort in the backyard, without being seen by the girls who were playing in the street.
boy only fort , I had no clue,
boy's only fort, I had no clue,
It was no secret that the fort existed but there were no girls allowed so we considered it a secret fort.
I think you can delete the above sentence
The plan was simple(,) we would use the fog as cover(,) and
Death!,
Delete the comma
"Traitor. He should be captured and shot for playing with them," I thought to myself.
If this is a thought, instead of being spoken out loud, I'd put it in italics. You can do so by putting { i} at the beginning of the sentence, and { /i} at the end of the sentence -- without the space.
felt them look over and tried to push my self to run even faster.
I could feel them looking at me, so I tried to run even faster.
than 10 seconds
Spell 'ten and six' out.
day(.) Now
Welcome to WDC! We're so glad you joined us If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to drop me a line.
This is a very strong, passionate poem of a crime we all pray will never touch our lives personally, or of those we love.
You do a good job getting of showing the emotion through your words, and I love the last sentence you use in each stanza: Give her back to me! *indigo*
That even though she did not die, that something within her did, and from this horrible violation, she (and the family) will never be the same.
A sad writing, but very well done
((hugs))
Tracey
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This is a really good story and it's well told. You do a good job letting us know the main character's feelings and how desperate she is to get away from her mother's house.
This story was a 4.5 -- until I got to the one sentence:
But all of that came crashing to a screeching halt a month later.
The strong reaction she had to the mothballs was a good addition to the story, and I understand her anger from the past memories assaulting her senses so quickly and unexpectedly. But what I couldn't understand is why she would take it out on her room-mate so hatefully? She obviously cared for him a lot- as you let the reader know - so it seems like she would have just explained why she got so upset over the mothballs, but I just don't see her letting it totally ruin the relationship? Maybe it's just me, but I think I would work on the ending a bit.
The story is wonderful, and with just a little work on the ending it would definitely bring it up to a 4.5 easily.
There's a typo in the sentence below:
washed her hands off me
washed her hands of me
I hope my review helped some. Remember it's just my opinion
(((hugs)))
Tracey
** Image ID #997276 Unavailable **
This is a passionate, though sad writing of how it feels to be without hope.
Your words definitely do their job of connecting and conveying your emotions to the reader.
As one who has been there and felt these lonely, desparate feelings, I can sadly relate. I hope and pray you are now pass these feelings, and know that no matter how low things seem to get in your life, that there truly is hope. Things can and do get better -- though it does take a lot of effort. You have to want to get past it. (I know that sounds a bit awkward. Of course no one wants to feel these emotions- but when you are in the depths this deep, sometimes it's hard to even have the hope of getting better). But if you can make yourself start digging your way out, soon you will actually be able to see the light again, and hope will reign in your life once more
I have a couple of things you may want to consider, the next time you edit:
As the folks all around me watch from within their safe havens.
This line is too long, and disrupts the flow. I would shorten it to just:'
Folks around me watch from safe havens.
It's only the quitters who are guaranteed to fail.
Exhaustion takes it toll, I get hit once again,
sending me deep into the darkness again.
You need to change one of the 'again's' at the end, as it's use is repetitive. Also it should be it's.
With a hole the size of Dixie, I know it's the end
This may just be me, but Dixie sounds too upbeat, or light for this poem. You also use the word 'hole' three times in as many sentences, which makes it very repetitive. You may want to think about revising the next to the last stanza, to something similar to:
All hope has fled from me, I feel it's the end-
My soul too empty, to successfully mend.
I hope the suggestions helped.
I'd like to welcome you to WDC (writing.com} it's great to see you jumping right in! Please feel free to write me if you have any questions or concerns. I'll do all I can to help!
Oh, this is a beautiful story. What a glorious gift that would be!
My dreams, or visions I have had of Christ will stay with me forever. They are indeed priceless gifts, that gives us just a taste of what awaits us after our life on earth is through.
This writing is so sad, and ends the way too many abusive relationships do. Hopefully this will help someone who is in an abusive relationship by seeing all the same signs that is in their real life
I know it's not easy sharing a writing like this. Thank you.
I only have a minor suggestion below, but I believe it will help the piece flow a bit better:
Drawing away from family and friends, convincing herself they don't understand
In your prose writing, you have all of this in one line - I would make it into two, starting the second line with, 'convincing'
Leaving behind only a suffering memory, her last words pleading,
The same thing with this line -- I would start the second line with, 'her'
Welcome to WDC! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to drop me a line. I'll be happy to help you all I can
Tracey
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WRITE ON! 
kneaded the carpet several with his 
He soured 
He was sitting and comely watched 
"Hey dad,
rest o his life. 
stern look on her face. She was tapping her foot impatiently on the floor.
2-story 
There were large oak trees that surrounded perimeter of the old farmhouse, 
thankful 
I was 10 then, and Jackson was 5. 
through the weekend.
This is a nice introduction to a story I am really looking forward to reading. I was actually led to chapter 6, when first hearing of your very personal writing- since the story has evolved now into something a bit more personal, involving you and one of the hardest trials you've been through- you may wish to add to the intro, to include a taste of that as well 
if you checkout my story caled 'terrorisim is?' 
You have made a wonderful folder to hold all of your writings and have it organized quite well 
When you want to change the color of your font, write it like this {c: green} (without the space). To end the color, all you have to do is write { /c} *again without the space* and it will end the color you were just using- just write {c: blue} to start a new color 
then your in the right place to.
ext.
sleeping 
bolts up from the coach
I remembered it was very well written and had a great story line that held me captivated. I would love to get and autograph copy from you, if possible. Please write me in regards to this request.