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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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326
326
Review of A Sunday Ride  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile*Hiya, Ajourni ! I noticed you have celebrated your anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

My Reactions/Comments

I enjoyed this story. The humor added to it really worked well to lighten the mood as this progressed. The build up of tension was really nicely done. It built up slowly, little by little as she battled herself. I found I could feel her emotions easily as she counted to herself, trying to overcome her fear. The sentence structure really added to the intensity with the use of shorter sentences and hurried thoughts. Well done.

The opening sentence grabbed my attention, and the following paragraph secured it. It was ambiguous regarding 'what' exactly was happening and I found myself eager to figure it out. Especially with the line, 'No wonder they're staring, I mentally screeched at myself, You're crazy!'. It made me wonder just how crazy, which propelled me into the story to find out. Good work.

The tone was strong throughout and added well to the mood. I felt compassion for her, and found myself laughing more out of being able to relate to her than anything else. When the words came to her as though garbled, I couldn't help myself. That has happened to me before, and I think the ability to relate really added to the humor for me.

I like how this ended, with her refusal to give up. It finished the piece off with an inspirational air and conveyed an important message. Considering the length of this piece, I think you did a great job on her character development. Though there was no back ground exposition, I don't feel there needed to be. It was enough to know she was deathly afraid and still detemined to see it through.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*my stomach clenching and a cold sweating breaking forth on my skin.
The use of two 'ing' words together like this disrupted the flow of the sentence. Consider using 'sweat' rahter than 'sweating'.

*Bullet*It suddenly occurred to me that when people experienced extreme fear they sometimes lost control of their bladders.
I think this could be stated in present tense. For example, It suddenly occured to me that when people experience extreme fear, they sometimes lose control of bladder function.

Overall

I found this to be a well rounded piece with the use of emotional content, intense descriptions that allowed me to 'feel' what the character was feeling, and just enough humour. Well done. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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327
327
Review of My Guardian Angel  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

My Reactions/Comments

This was a very interesting piece. The story line for this was very intriguing, even more so because it was original. I think this piece could be an amazing read if it was lengthened, allowing for the reader to get to know the characters better, as well as hear more of the back story. It just felt a little rushed to me, but the plot line was very good.

I have to commend your use of the first person narrative. It flowed well and I didn't notice any major discrepancies in tense. In my opinion, first person is one of the hardest perspectives to write from, but you seem to have a good handle on it.

The emotional connection between the guardian and Eugene is a definite asset to this piece, and I think would capture the reader very effectively if given the chance to experience the feelings from the characters perspective. Consider adding a scene or two of their interaction with each other to demonstrate the strength of the connection.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...to give an assignment today, and I chad completely forgotten.
Just a typo on 'had'.

*Bullet*...as I realized how lucky I was to the college seating system, to pair up smart students with non-smart ones
This doesn't quite make sense when you say, 'how lucky I was to the college seating system'. This sounds as though you are the luck charm for a seating system. I have two different suggestions, they are as follows.

...as I realized how lucky I was that the college seating system paired up smart students with not-so-smart ones.I noticed also that 'non-smart' sounded off.
OR
...as I realized how thankful I was to the college seating system...

*Bullet*Her blue eyes sent shivers down my heart as she said, "Don't worry, Eugene. I have done your homework for you and that too," she said, pulling out papers, "in your handwriting.
I have a couple of suggestions for this section. First, try something other than 'shvers down my heart'. I think it would be hard to have a heart siver. Try instead a shiver down the spine, or a quickened beating of the heart to show his reaction. Also, the section 'and that too' is unnecessary and disrupts the realism of the dialogue. Try reading it out loud to see if it sounds realistic to you. My suggestion is to cut 'that too' as it wouldn't affect the meaning of the sentence and would increase flow.

*Bullet*"I could have fun with Chris last night but no,...
Just need the word 'had' after 'have' to show it is astatement regarding the past.

*Bullet*The dialogue should be seperated into seperate paragraphs for each new speaker so that it is easier for the reader to follow.

Overall

This piece has a strong plot line and very good potential for the reader to become emotionally involved. I would love to see this piece fleshed out a bit, using some active scenes to 'show' the relationship between Eugene and the guardian. Please let me know if you decide to edit, as I would be more than happy to read and review this piece again. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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328
328
Review of Forgive me God!  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya! This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The first paragraph definitely grabbed my full attention. The description of Martha's state was vivid and I instantly needed to know what had happened to her. I felt compassion for her right away, which I think was a good thing, especially considering that my usual first reaction is anger and resentment towards this subject.

The subject address with this piece is a hard one for many people. I have my own views on the subject, and I think you approached this in a way that didn't offer opinion, or even allow it to play in the readers mind. I think this was really great because it allowed me to become involved and feel what she was feeling. To see it from her perspective, and to know that her repentance was true.

The structure of this was very effective. Reliving the event in hindsight really added to the emotional aspect of this. It showed the feelings of regret and grief afterwards, as well as providing me with a look at how she felt when it happened. The realization was nearly instantaneous for Martha, and it hit her hard.

Her repentance at the end was realistic and believable, and I found myself drawn in by the use of descriptive narrative. I liked how there was very little exposition in this, and the past information was given in an active and compelling way. I really think doing it like that enhanced the realism. It put it all front and center for the reader to experience.

The spiritual message in this is an important one. It made me think about how important it is to really think about your decisions, especially when it affects more than just yourself, as well as how unimportant material things and selfish desires can lead one to act rashly. However, it also drove home how great God is that he would forgive the injustice.


Suggestions

*Bullet*...before giving in to blessed asleep.
I think 'asleep' should be 'sleep'.

*Bullet*Looking up, at the stars,...
I think this sentence would flow a bit smoother without the comma after 'up'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was an enjoyable read. The subject may not have been a happy one, but the message was definitely an important one.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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329
329
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Challenge Level "Green" Prompt
Genre Prompts
"Nature & Fantasy"


Hiya! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

Prompt Relevance

As a part of the rules for a challenge level story entry, it must be under 10 kb. This piece follows that requirement nicely, coming in at 6.6 kb. *Thumbsup*
The prompt requires for the story to be based on the genre's of nature and fanstasy, this also has been followed well. *Thumbsup*

My Reactions/Comments

I really enjoyed this story. The genres of nature and fantasy were entwined in a very natural way, and I found the creatures and beings that were used to be entertaining and realistic in the way they acted and conversed.

This version of how WDC came to be was very creative. I enjoyed Grandfather Oak immensely, and I loved how you played the following sentence:

Grandfather Oak boughed down before the StoryMaster...

It was an ingeneous way to state his action of bowing, while maintaining that he was indeed a tree. Very nice!

The narrative tone of this piece was consistent throughout and flowed very well, creating a soft ambiance around how I saw the gathering. The way you wrote about the Insidious Brown was active and gave the sense of a being without form. Very nice.

The dialogue flowed naturally between the creatures, and the tones changed nicely to reflect the differences between them. The story line flowed nicely from start to finish and the ending wrapped it all up well, and left me feeling content.

Suggestions

I noticed a few minor typos, they are as follows.

*Bullet*...asked the Alpha wolf
Just missing the period on the end of this sentence.

*Bullet* How am I supposed for let virgin princesses find...
The grammar is slightly off in this sentence. I'm thinking you meant for the word 'for' to be 'to'.

*Bullet*A salmon poked his head up from the nearby stream remarked mournfully,...
THis sentence is just slightly off, consider using 'poking' rather than 'poked' or perhaps, just add an 'and' after 'stream'.

*Bullet* My thought is that there is only one who stop this before it is too late.
I think you are missing a word between 'who' and 'stop'. Possibly 'can' or 'could'.

Overall

A very creative, enjoyable spin on how WDC was first created. Very well written with believable characters and a satisfactory ending. Well done! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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330
330
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Bikerider !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was soft and emotional, as well as explanatory, and revealed much about Tim's character, the situations he lived through, his love for Red, and his desire to serve his country. It allowed for a well rounded view of his personality, which I think is very important in a piece such as this when the reader's reaction depends on the believability of the character and how they deal with the obstacles they must face. I found Tim to be ery realistic and easy to relate to.

The structure of this story flowed well from beginning to end. It began with a section of objective narrative which introduced the reader to the mood of the story. Very nice. I liked this because it allowed me to become involved in the idea of people sacrificing themselves for the greater good, and allowed a chance to emphisize that the ones who did this were common people, just like you and me. This allows a deeper emotional connection for the reader, as well. This moved at a constant pace in a natural progression of events, varying from emotional to active, and demonstrating the relationship between the two men very nicely.

The use of dialogue in each section was a great addition to the story and produced a 'showing' of the events and definitely enhanced the involvement of the reader. Very nice. It flowed smoothly and realistically, and allowed for me to feel like the characters were 'real'.

The ending part was what really got to me. I was able to stay somewhat objective before Tim told his family about Red, but his mother's reaction to his story touched my heart. I could feel how much she loved the man she had never met, and how important it was to her that he be seen as her son. I felt elated when he yelled across the mountains, as though by doing that he could begin to come to terms with the loss he endured, as well as the pain he would suffer from the acts he had committed while at war. My grandpa often tells me one of the hardest things to accept was what he found himself to be capable of.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Don’t worry, Red. They’ll fix you up good as new, you’ll see.” Red raised his hand and gave something to Tim. “Here, take these,” he said. Tim looked at the blood smeared pictures of Isabelle and Tom. “What are you doing, Red?” Tim asked.
I included this whole section just to show you that there needs to be seperation between the character's dialogue. The rest of the piece uses new lines for each speaker, so I'm thinking it was unintentional.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An emotional, compelling, and meaningful read. It explored the human side of war and the effects that it had on one average family, and in so doing, caused me to stop and reflect on how many countless others sacrificed themselves for the sake of the whole. Truly remarkable.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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331
331
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Challenge Level "Orange" Prompt
Genre Prompts
"Children's & Fantasy"


This was a cute story. The narrative tone was active throughout, and varied slightly between the scenes to show the changes in mood. The sentence structure was consistent and the word choices were great for a children's story. My daughter is nine and this would be within her reading level, as well as being complicated enough in flot to appeal to her, without being too much. Very nice balance.

The fantasy elements were woven through the piece seemlessly and suited the plot line well. This was an interesting spin on the well known fear children have of monsters hiding in their rooms, as well as including the necessary myth of creation for WDC.

I really liked how the 'closet monster' was called a Muse. It gives the children who would read it a wonderful image of a muse, as well as maintaining the plot line. *Smile*

The structure of the piece was done well. It flowed from beginning to end at a constant rate. I feel the exposition was well balanced with action and active dialogue, which kept the story moving to hold the interest of the reader. Well done.

Prompt Relevance

As a part of the rules, a short story in the challenge level must be less than 10 KB. This was followed very well. *Thumbsup*

The genre's of fantasy and children's were well representend in this piece and the story of how writing.com came to be was included realistically.*Thumbsup*

Suggestions

*Bullet*...she walked past the bed to the window and looked out predawn darkness.
I think the words 'at the' should be inserted before 'predawn darkness' to enhance the flow.

*Bullet*...she sit down on the edge of the bed.
The word 'sit' should be 'sat' to preserve the tense.

*Bullet*... is either one of you’re Aunt Rena’s friends...
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*Ariel poured herself a cup of coffee and sit down at the dining...
The word 'sit' should be 'sat'.

*Bullet*“I’m presuming that you’re right about some muse know more about computers then you.”
I stumbled over this sentence. I think a slight rewording would help the flow. For example,

"I'm presuming you're right and that the others know more about computers than you."

*Bullet*...now if anyone needs more details then I’ve included,...
The word 'then' should be 'than'.

Overall

This was a cute children's story and an interesting, fun version of the creation of writing.com. An enjoyable read, for sure! Good luck with the contest! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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332
332
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Average Level "Blue" Prompt
Picture Prompt
"In Too Deep"


Hiya, Rev1780 ! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please remember that my comments are my opinion and that you have every right to disagree! *Smile*

This piece has a really good, detailed story line which has great potential to be a compelling, suspenseful, and satisfying read. The descriptions of the area were detailed and gave me a good idea of what the theatre looked like, as well as the sort of state it was in when he bought it. Good work!

There is a great tendency to 'tell' rather than 'show' in this piece. The story is explained through only narrative and is told from the first person perspective. It states the sequence of events in great detail, but I think it would be beneficial if you used some active elements such as dialogue, specific situations, and sensory descriptions. These things allow the reader to 'experience' the piece in a more personal, emotional state, which can often enhance the readers enjoyment. It also gives you an ability to show the character's personality through examples of action and speech.

I think perhaps using a short flashback would be quite affective.

The title fits the piece well.

Prompt Relevance

As a part of the rules for average level story entries, there is a word limit of 1,010 words. You have follwed this exactly. *Thumbsup*

I could easily see how the image was used to create this story.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...but was saved in the 2000 and turned into a cinema.
Consider removing the word 'the' before '2000'. I do not think it is necessary.

*Bullet*The realtor lead me to the last room the office it was located next to the main doors of the theater.
I stumbled over this sentence. The meaning is not clear to me, it seems as there are too many words. Consider revising or rewording.

*Bullet*Once again I found nothing the door was bolted shut.
Need a semicolon after 'nothing'.

*Bullet* The clock just struck midnight when the search came to an end so I packed up my belonging and went home for the night.
Need a comma after 'end' and the word 'belonging' should be 'belongings'.

*Bullet*He discovered that there were not many violations mostly the problems were outdated equipment.
The flow on this sentence is off. Consider rewording slightly and adding a comma. For example, He discovered there were not many violations, most of the problems were due to outdated equipment.

*Bullet* The singing once again was coming from the stage.
Conisder changing 'was coming' to 'came' to improve the flow.

*Bullet*I opened the door and saw this woman standing on stage in a blue dress singing.
Need a comma after 'dress'. Without it this says that the blue dress was singing, rather than the woman.

*Bullet*Where did the lady go ran through my head for the rest of the night.
This sentence needs some punctuation to cause the necessary pauses that the reader requires in order to understand the meaning. For example,'Where did the lady go? The thought ran through my mind most of the evening'.

There are several areas in this piece, such as the one above, that would benefit from the use of punctuation in order to clarify the meaning, as well as to provide a smoother read. Try reading it out loud only pausing your speech when there is punctuation, such as a comma or period. This will show you the areas that the flow is off and can be repaired with punctuation.*Smile*

Overall

This piece has a lot of potential. The story line was well thought out and constructed, and I think with the use of some active scenes, it would be a compelling read. *Bigsmile*

Good luck with the contest! Happy Writing!

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333
333
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, julielubrani!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This poem tells a wonderful story. The narative tone was reflective and emotional, but I didn't get the sense of sadness and regret as I expected. I felt instead a rising of courage and pride as the story infolded, which showed me how the present had already started to change and gave me great hope for the future.

The structure of the poem was consistent and flowed well. There was a constant building as the narrator went from reflection of the past, to realization of what the future can hold when one can let go of the injustice that was faced previously. This piece shows how someone can be their own person, regardless of what is expected from friends and that even though it may be hard, it is worth it in the end.

The last two stanza's wrapped the piece up well and allowed me to see that facing the past was a necessary thing to do in order to continue to grow. Very well done.

The words chosen for the rhyming structure were nicely chosen and reflected the content very well. The flow was really good, especially when I read out loud. There was a constant cadence which I found very appealing to listen to.

Suggestions

*Bullet*For the majority of this poem it was consistently in past tense when referring to the past events. However, I noticed one stanza that used both present and future. It is as follows,

Their love for me was conditional
As long as I did what they say
They never understood that I am different
I had to do things my own way

Now, this was the only area that staggered in flow for me, so my suggestion is to smooth it out by fixing the tense. For example, 'As long as I did what they say' is out of tense because of the word 'say'. I see that it is required for the rhyme so my suggestion in to change 'they' to 'they'd', 'As long as I did what they'd say'. I think this preserves the tense. Also, 'I am different' is present tense. I'm not sure about changing it, though, because it is an overall statement - past, present and future.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An emotional, inspirational poem. I enjoyed it immensely. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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334
334
Review of Heaven Sent  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, piewhackett1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is a very sweet poem. I really liked the message of an angel sent from God. In truth, this is how God intends all couples to feel about their better half, but so few truly take the time to appreciate the small things and think of what life could have been like without their special someone. Very nice. *Smile*

The flow was good as I read out loud, though I did find a couple spots where I stumbled, which I have included below for your consideration. On the whole, however, I found there to be a soft cadence to this as I read. The rhyming sequences I found to be consistent and the word choices seemed to flow within the context nicely.

The tone of the narrative was loving and patient with a dash of awe thrown in and was definitely in keeping with the content. I could feel a sense that the narrator was at a loss for words to describe how he felt and I found it very sweet. I say narrator because I find it nearly impossible to tell when a poem is fiction or inspired by personal feelings. *Wink*

I noticed that there is a period at the end of each line. I am not sure if this is personal preference or open to debate, but consider using some comma's to show when two lines could be connected as one sentence. For example, the third and fourth lines of the first stanza. Try putting a comma after line three, and placing the question mark at the end of line four. Line three didn't seem to be the entire question, but rather a piece of one.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Without you guiding angel life was a loss.
Consider adding the word 'my' before 'life'. I think it would lend a smoother flow.

*Bullet*You've guided me angel from the first day.
I think this one is a matter of opinion because I can't decide why I think this, but consider placing the word 'very' before 'first day'. Like I said, the flow seems smooth on this one as is, but I think it would roll off the tongue nicely this way, as well. Something to think about, at any rate. *Wink*

*Bullet*True blessings from heaven He sent me.
Consider placing the word 'to' between 'sent' and 'me'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An enjoyable poem about love and appreciating that special someone, as well as realizing that God is the creator and makes all things, including love, possible. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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335
335
Review of A Woman Scorned  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*BalloonR*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *BalloonR*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

The opening paragraph set the scene, as well as the mood, very well and gave me a sense of foreboding with which to start the story. Well done. I had a clear visual of the area from the description and imagery used.

There were a range of emotions in this piece and I feel the narrative tone conveyed them very nicely. It was calm and regretful with an underlying sense of grief which allowed me to feel compassion for Jason. It was evident that when he committed the act it was out of love, and that it was after the fact when it became slightly selfish in nature.

I think his character was developed well, especially for the length of this story. Lily's personality was less developed but it was enough for me to get a sense of what her illness had done to her. It seemed to me that the illness changed her and the thirty years of feeling abandoned by her love had driven her spirit to the point of insanity almost. I found her character very intriguing.

The story unfolded really well. The suspense was built at a steady rate as it moved toward the climax. The moment of truth between them was intense and the dialogue flowed naturally making the situation believable. I think that is very important, especially when dealing with the supernatural as the reader tends to enter the story with the preconception that it is not real. The ability to make it seem real after that is what allows for the reader to have an emotional reaction to the piece.

I think the addition of the past situation at the end was a really nice touch. It gave me insight as to why he didn't keep his promise without affecting my view of Jason's character. Well done.

The title for this piece fits the content well.

Suggestions

I didn't find any errors in the way of punctuation, grammar or spelling. I do not have any suggestions for improvement.*Thumbsup*

Overall

A very well written, intense piece. The emotion conveyed through the narrative and internal thoughts of the characters enhanced my understanding of the situation and characters and when combined with the constant, emotional tone of the narrative and natural dialogue, it produced an engaging and enjoyable read.

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Basic"Blue" Prompt
Title Prompt
"My Best Friends: Pen and Paper"


The narrative tone of this piece was soft with a great sense of joyful reminiscence and reflected the content very well. Combined with the flowing sentence structure it allowed me to move through the read with ease. Very well done.

The structure of the piece was consistent and moved along at a nice rate. It flowed continually onward and allowed for me to follow the content easily and without any confusion. I believe this also had quite a bit of impact on the meaning behind the words and how they affected me because I was able to concentrate on the content rather than inconsistencies within the piece. Very nice.

The use of imagery was laced throughout nicely and granted me a deeper understanding of the idea being expressed. One such area really stood out and spoke to me, it is as follows.

My friends remind me that there are those who cannot see this world; they know I love the sight of the sun, the moon, misty mountains and tranquil lakes, and the deep blue of the ocean.

It was easy to see that this prompt spoke to you and the result was a fantastic read. You captured the essence of a writers love for expressing themselves in a way that I am sure all writers will appreciate.


Prompt Relevance

Word limit for Basic Level - 1010

The word limit of this piece is well within these restrictions.*Thumbsup*

The prompt was a Title Prompt and this was followed within the piece, though the main title of the item states 'Pen and Pencil' rather than 'Pen and Paper'. I suggest that you change this before the contest closes as it may affect the judging.

Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling. *Thumbsup*

Overall

This was a nicely written, inspirational espression of why pen and paper are so important to a writer and shows well the connection the writing gives us to our own lives, and the world around us. I enjoyed the read very much.

Happy Writing!

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This item number is not valid.
#1705324 by Not Available.


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Review of Brown Eyes  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, bamed !

You were kind enough to stop by my port with a review and I wanted to return the favor. I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please remember that my comments are my own opinion and as such, you have every right to agree. *Smile*

The opening paragraph was nicely done and captured my interest easily. It starts in the midst of a conflict which is always a good, active way to intrigue the reader and pull them in for the story.

The structure of this piece was good, as well. I felt it unfolded in a timely manner without any dull areas of exposition to bore the reader. The information given regarding them was interspersed nicely thoughout the dialogue between father and future daughter.

The dialogue between the two was worded with realism and I felt that I could follow their conversation easily. The internal dialogue of the father was convincing and showed the reader well how his mind worked through his decision. I believe his reaction was believable and allowed for a dramatic ending.

I was left feeling sad for the girl and also found myself reflective, wondering what I would do if I was in the same type of situation. Good job.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...was starting to have its toll on his daughter
I think 'starting to take its toll' would create a smoother flow for this sentence.

*Bullet* And he's been stressed and cranky.
The word 'he's' takes this put of tense when compared to the narative surrounding it. To remain in the same tense say, 'He had been stressed and cranky.'

*Bullet* And he's been stressed and cranky. More likely to yell at her to get out of the way than to pick her up and...
The flow was staggered here for me, consider putting the two sentences together. For example,

He had been stressed and cranky lately, and more likely to yell at her to get out of the way...'

*Bullet* But he can't take today off.
This sentence ins out of tense. Consider saying 'But he couldn't take today off.'

*Bullet*I have one last suggestion. Consider limiting the amount you use the exclamation mark. It tends to become overly repetitious when used often and is most often used when it isn't necessary. Try to use it only when yelling or extremely excited. It may help the flow of the dialogue. Just something for you to consider.

*Star*Overall*Star*

I enjoyed this piece. I found it to be well written and thought provoking. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Falling Slowly  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for participating!
"WDC Birthday Special - TLC"
You chose the Average "Blue" Prompt
Picture Prompt


Prompt Relevance

This was a really interesting response to the prompt! It is far different than anything I would have thought of and that is definitely a good thing! I think you represented the prompt well in this piece. *Smile* It was also well within the allowable word limit.

Strengths

The tone of the narrative in this piece was very relaxing, it gave me the sense of being hypnotized. I think this worked well given the fact she was being lulled by the embrace of the ocean. Well done.

The flow of the narrative was smooth, the sentence structure was fairly consistent, and the wording was descriptive and detailed. I was able to produce a visual of her, floating downward through the water easily. Which, combined with the sensation of an emotional void, produced a vivid experience.

The structure of the piece as a whole was good. It moved along at a good rate and I found I was kept interested throughout.

I found the ending to be realistic and left me feeling content.


Suggestions

*Bullet*She broke through the water as a graceful...
Consider adding 'the surface of' before 'the water'. I think this would make it more obvious that she was falling right away. I think it would make the opening more dramatic to entice the reader.

*Bullet*I noticed a reptetitive use of the word 'now'. Consider reducing the need for the word by using different wording every so often.

*Bullet*The only other comment I have is to look at the first word of your sentences. It is often the same word 'She' or 'The'. Consider changing it up a bit to produce more unique starters. This can hold the readers attention in a vivid way by exercising their own creativity.

Overall

I enjoyed this piece. You made very creative use of the prompt to produce a vividly detailed piece with strong narrative. Good luck with the contest!

Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Sherri! It looks like we are at an end to my onslaught of reviews. *Sad* I am sure, however, that I will be back from time to time to pester you. *Wink* *Bigsmile*

I am honored to provide you with my reactions and suggestions for this piece. Please always remember that these are my personal opinions and as such, you have every right to disagree. *Smile*

This poem is quite unlike anything I have read in a long time, and believe me when I say, that is a very good thing. When I first glanced at the entirety of it I expected it to be repetitious in delivery from the constant use of questions, but I have to say, each question was so unique and meaningful that it didn't feel overdone in the slightest.

I think the thing I liked the best about this piece was the fact that each question had a purpose, a specific area of love that it was addressing, each one completely different from the last. You addressed many issues with this piece, such as, want, desire, faithfulness, even possession vs. the sense of obtaining and holding. The third stanza stood out for me, as it questions the ability to love without obsession, to hold without needing to possess. Such simple questions mean so much when a person stops to think about it, to absorb not just the words, but the motivation behind them.

The flow of the piece was fluid. I was like a feather floating on the wind as I read through, drifting from stanza to stanza effortlessly. For the most part each line ends with the word 'me' so it was hard to tell if there was a rhyming pattern, however, I noticed each stanza had its own pattern and that the last one seemed to combine the two. Very nice.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for this piece. I absolutely loved it. *Bigsmile* *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall*Star*

A wonderfully fluid, captivating, meaningful and emotional poem. *Smile*

Happy Writing, my dear!


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Review of The Moon's Child  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Laura.s ! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will enjoy your time here! I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions to this piece, but please keep in mind that these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece was very nicely done. There was a soft, dream-like feel to it in the beginning, which changed only slightly when she became excited about seeing her mother. When she started to run I could feel her anticipation, very nicely worded and easy to visualize. *Smile*

The descriptions in this piece are very detailed and for the most part they are vivid, increasing the visual perception of the events and enhancing the story, as well as the experience for the reader. I liked your choice of wording, you have a solid talent for imagery, for sure. *Thumbsup*

There is very little dialogue between the two, but what there was felt realistic and flowed naturally. I think this is a very important part of creating solid characters. The reader must believe they are real on some level to experience the read effectively. Very nicely done.

As far as story line structure goes, I felt that this was incomplete. There was a vivid introduction of her surroundings, followed by an emotional response to seeing her mother, but then her mother ended up leaving again. We did get to see that her mother isn't just your average mother, but I feel that there were a lot of questions left unanswered. You should really consider expanding this, it definitely has the potential to be a much longer, involved and intriguing story. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*...gave way as I weaved my way through them.
The word 'them' should be 'it', unless you change the preceding to 'blades of grass' rather than just 'grass'. Also, 'weaved' could be replaced with 'wove'.

*Bullet*Just a quick suggestion, consider taking out the semicolon in the first sentence and replacing with a full stop. I think it would add intensity to the statement.

*Bullet*Now deep in the woods I wondered,...
The word 'wondered' should be 'wandered'.

*Bullet*...in a steady click-click rhythem.
There is a spelling error on 'rhythm', it shouldn't contain an 'e'.

*Bullet*...the tiny noise as the clock hands moved passed one another...
The word 'passed' should be 'past'.

*Bullet* Her pretty windswept, silver hair caressed...
I believe there should be a comma after 'pretty'.

*Bullet* I nodded although I disagreed.
Need a comma after 'nodded' and consider using 'even though'. Also, this sentence should be the start of a new paragraph.

*Bullet*...she faded leaving her form in return for the moon.
There should be a comma after 'faded', but also, the second part of this doesn't quite make sense the way I think you intended it. Consider re-wording just slightly. For example, ...she faded, leaving her form behind in exchange for the moon.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this. I found the descriptions to be vivid and the emotional references led me into this story very nicely. The quality of the writing is very good and I would love to see this expanded into a longer piece. There is a ton of potential in this piece, just waiting to be unleashed. *Thumbsup*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Busted  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Pepper !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, this was a priceless story! I haven't laughed so much in a good long while, I tell you! I can't get over how very realistic this was. As I read through I was reminded of how many times something like this (though being arrested was never part of it*Wink*) has happened to me with my husband. It seems that whenever I know I've done something wrong and will be on the recieving end of his anger, something drops from the sky to save the situation and allow the situation to be reversed. Too funny.

The structure of this piece was really good. The story unfolded smoothly, moving along with the use of active narrative and amusing, realistic dialogue to reach the climax and then wind down for a suprisingly satisfying conclusion. The ending statement left me smiling, for sure. It couldn't have worked out better for her to have the last word.

I enjoyed the tone of the narrative immensely. It came across in a conversational way, making me feel like I was on the inside, watching the situation unfold. The reader was privy to Jenny's thoughts, most of which were so realistic that I couldn't help from laughing out loud. The character development of Jenny was quite thorough for such a short piece. I think this really strengthened the piece as a whole because it allowed me to feel like I got to know her through her reactions. I could also relate to her character on almost every level, which was really nice as well. I didn't have to imagine myself in her shoes and wonder if I would feel the same, I already knew from experiencing similar situations.

The dialogue between Jenny and Mitch was natural and flowed well. I had no trouble hearing their conversation or seeing their expressions as it played out. The writing allowed me to be there and witness it, very well done!

The title fits the content well in more than one respect. Nicely done.

Suggestions

None! I couldn't find any errors and I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very enjoyable, humorous read. I will definitely recommend this piece to others, and in fact, already have. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, SHERRI GIBSON ! I have come to visit your port with a review from the package which you submitted the winning bid for in the "Invalid Item" . This is the second of five. *Smile*


This was a beautiful expression of true love. The flow of the sentences was very nice and each stanza transitioned into the next easily. This read out almost as a story, really, with a beginning, middle and end. I really enjoyed that because it gives the reader a better sense of the motivation behind the poem, as well as the content within.

I really got the feeling of soft reminiscence as I read this the first time. It makes me feel hopeful that I will one day look back and be able to say the same things about the love I experience.

The content seemed to build up from the first stanza, beginning with love, pure from stress. The second stanza indicates the sacrifices made to maintain and nurture that love. Many pieces boast true love with never showing the reader any reasoning behind it. It is easy to fall in love, not so easy to maintain that same love. The third stanza allows the reader to see that even though there were ups and downs, there was never any indication that either one would want to give up the fight. The last stanza sums up well how love grows and strengthens through each challenge, prospering in the light of God's blessings and becoming more resilient.

There is a pattern for the rhyming in this and as far as I can tell, the word choices all work very well. I enjoyed the sound of this piece as I read it aloud, the phrasing comes across smoothly without being repetitious.

Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, grammar or spelling, nor do I have any suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It touched me on a personal level and made me feel more aware of the love I have in my life. It is a great message for anyone out there who might be struggling, thinking their love won't make it through. To me it says that love strengthens and solidifies over time if you are willing to sacrifice and experience life together. Thank you for sharing this poem. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Where Evil Dwells  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, SHERRI GIBSON ! You were so very generous to bid on my package in the "Invalid Item" , thank you. This review is the first out of five that I will be sending your way.

I am honored to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, but please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.


The opening paragraph was very well done to intrigue the reader and then pull him/her into the story. The narrative tone was compelling and mysterious, granting a sense of foreboding right from the start. Very nice. The chill factor in this piece was kept at a moderate level so that it didn't actually scare me, but I'm sure my kids would have a whole different point of view on that! *Wink* Doing this allowed for a full story to result, rather than just a small scene.

I think it added quite a twist to have the narrative coming from the perspective of a cat. Not just any cat, though, one who had been turned by the witches over a hundred years prior. It provided insight into the specific details of the setting and plot alike, which eliminated unanswered questions.

The thoughts of David were realistic and flowed quite naturally. I would expect after a hundred years that his humanity may have deminished a bit more, though I suppose it would depend on his habits, etc. He genuinely cared about the evil which was visited upon the children from these witches and it was evident from his actions, as well as his thoughts, that he suffered guilt from not being able to help them.

The witches were portrayed very well. Though I don't really recall there being a description of their features, my mind produced an image of them easily. I also think you did a good job explaining the action sequence when David spilled the brew and again when he managed to topple Tanisha and get the brew on the witches. I had no trouble at all envisioning the sequence of events.

The ending paragrah wrapped the story up well and tied off all loose ends with the burning of the house. A happily ever after ending, besides the fact that David and Polly would be forever haunted with the memories.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...and when she tilted her head to look at the sky, Her deep blue eyes mesmerized me.
The word 'her' after the comma is capitalized. I know sometimes this is done for emphasis, but because it is the only time it happens, I figured it's more likely a typo.

*Bullet*The child educated me in all of the things deprived of in my life as a feline,...
I wonder if adding 'I was' before 'deprived' would smooth the flow on this sentence.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A very well told tale. The story line was interesting, the narrative compelling and the ending was satisfying in the respect that good triumphed over evil. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Review of No Such Luck  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Pepper!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I really enjoyed reading this piece. I feel that Lamar learned a very valuable lesson as he watched his father win the car. The obvious is that he learned that perhaps his father wasn't crazy after all, but also, to look deeper than the surface, that sometimes magic can appear when one least expects it. I think he also learned not to underestimate his da and his ideas.

The dialogue between Lamar and Lenard was really good. The accent was well represented with the spelling, as well as the tempo of the speech. The difference in tone from one to the other was noticeable and effective. I found I could practically hear Lenard's speech, but then again, I'm a sucker for an irish accent! *Wink* The course of the conversation was realistic and believable, and I especially found Lamar's reactions to seem natural. I could just imagine what my response would be if I came home to find my dad transformed into a leprechaun and sitting at the kitchen table as though nothing at all was out of the ordinary.

The narrative tone was consistent and allowed the reader a chance to get to know each character a bit. The length of this piece doesn't really allow for indepth character development, but I found what was incorporated into the narrative and the dialogue was enough to explain the situation. The fact that Lamar went with his da to the competition, even though he thought he was nuts, showed the connection they must share.

There were a few details about leprechaun's in this that I have nevevr heard before, including that they are mainly cobblers by trade. I found these uncommon compared to what I usually hear. I'm not sure if my knowledge is just limited, or not, but I liked that the details of the leprechaun were different from the same old, same old.

The story flowed consistently from beginning to end. The beginning paragraph did its job well and pulled me into the story. The reactions of the characters were realistic and I had no trouble visualizing the scenes as they played out. There was a steady progression from the opening scene, to the competition, and finally, the end result.

The last paragraph tied everything up well and left me with a smile on my face. Very nicely written.

The title fit the content well.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Wow, Lamar thought Da must have really done his homework.
Just missing the punctuation after 'thought'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A thoroughly enjoyable read which teaches a valuable lesson without ever detouring from the story line. I will definitely recommend this piece. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Alone  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, WriterGirl!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The tone of this piece was set very well with the opening stanza. A sense of reflection and wishful thinking seemed to radiate off the words. I think this had a big impact on the mood of the entire piece. There didn't seem to be any anger, just the pain of loss. This was most evident in the ending stanza where it indicated the break up was not a mutual consent kind of thing, but that the other half just up and left.

The structure of this poem as far as story line goes was really good. It progressed in good order from memories of the past, which gave me a good sense of the kind of relationship it was, to the pain of the break up and then finished off with the sadness of being alone.

In the way of rhyming and syllable coutns, etc. I didn't notice anything consistent. That said, however, I think it worked extremely well that way. I really enjoyed the single lines throughout, they gave a good indication of breaks in the content, almost like a scene break, which really added to the constant flow of the piece. It made the transitions very smooth.

I found when I read this poem out loud it was even more effective in spurring an emotional reaction from me. Great work.

My favorite part:

A year ago
A rainbow of words between us
Everything and nothing in
endless time
Lost in ourselves

For me this part really stood out as being one of the major things one loses when they lose someone close to them. The joy of simply sharing each other. The wording was clear and effective.

Suggestions

My only suggestion is regarding punctuation. There is some used through out the piece, and I think it would be an even smoother read if this was to stay constant. There are a few places where a period would indicate the flow of the sentence had finished and the next was to begin. This is only a suggestion, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

An emotionally provoking piece of heartache and the struggle to continue on after losing someone so close to the heart. It really signifies the pain of loss, the sense of being completely alone. I found it to be a very enjoyable read. *Thumbsup*

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is an informative, well presented piece which explains the inner workings of a Copyright, what it means the the author, and what it means to the rest of the world. As I have seen through reading this article, it is not an easy process to prove a copyright.

When I fist clicked on this piece I thought to myself, "At least I know what a copyright is." Well, I may have understood the concept of a copyright, but as I have found out, I did not know what it meant to the author, let alone the legal system in which we reside.

As I said earlier, this article was well presented with plenty of resources for the reader to use as a reference, as well as specific examples to help the reader become more farmiliar with the idea.

The structure of the piece was very nice and easy to read through without stumbling, the flow was natural and believable, and the added points of reference will give the reader the chance to find out some answers for themselves.

I think the largest impact of this piece will be the effective learning tool it provides for writers out there who work hard on their writing and don't deserve to have to give it up, or heaven forbid, have someone steal it and sell it for themelves.

I especially liked how you asked the questions in the beginning, giving possible answers and then providing the answers of why they were incorrect assumptions. Very well done.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for improvement. This is a very useful article. *Smile*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I found this to a thoroughly thought out, constructive and useful article. All writers, especially ones new to the legal aspects of writing, would benefit from reading this piece. Great work!

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece was a cute story about two boys and how they deal with their fear of ghosts on the night before Halloween. I really enjoyed reading this.

The dialogue and speech patterns of the two young boys were very well done. The way they spoke was very much like what one would expect from their age group, and steered the reader towards the right frame of mind to appreciate the humor of the situation. There was a nice amount of suspense while they were at the cemetary to build up the climax when they were sure they saw a ghost.

This piece was written very much like a children's story and made a good point at the end, when the boy who was so sure ghosts didn't exist, was the one to run away when they encountered something at the cemetary.

Due to the tone of this piece, I once again enlisted the ears of my kids and read the story to them. They were enthralled during the telling of it, for sure. They giggled at the area where the boys were bantering back and forth, and responded with a gasp when 'something white' came out of the bushes. It was priceless.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Phil laughed to himself and thought as he stared walking to the gate,...
Just a typo on 'started'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

An enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing! Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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348
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, iva*mae!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


A very enjoyable story. The narrative tone set the mood of the piece very well. It was calm but with a gentle hint of mystery which kept me wondering what was going to happen. The type of speech used indicated this piece was set in the past, and the narrative was consistent with this. I very much enjoy the 'proper' speech patterns and found that you laced hints in through them very nicely. I was looking for them, but didn't find them all until the second read.

The ending paragraph left a smile on my face, though I know it is just a bit dark of me to have that type of response. I was content with knowing what I had thought would happen, did. The characters were built up nicely, especially Cassie. The narrative supplied the information the reader needed to be certain of her personality.

The character of Jake was limited, but that was a necessity for the piece to work out as it did. It wouldn't have been an effective twist on the end if the reader had inside knowledge of his intent and motives.

Using the time frame of three months with nothing happening was a good touch. It allowed the reader to become lulled into liking Jake, even though the indicators of time frame and circumstance hinted at suitable distrust.

The dialogue flowed very smoothly and was realistic to the time frame. I think the dialogue is what sold me on Jake's personality. His responses to Cassie seemed very genuine.

The story moved along nicely from beginning to end. I was kept intrigued throughout by the narrative and useful dialogue between the characters. Nicely done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*"Cicero! You get back here, do you hear?
Just missing the end quotation mark.

*Bullet*"I'm coming," she yelled She...
The period in between 'yelled' and 'She' is missing.


*Star*Overall*Star*

A very enjoyable story. The time period was explained well and felt natural to the flow of the story.

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
349
349
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*
!!

*Smile*Hiya, drboris! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

The narrative tone was very good for setting the mood of this piece. It was evident right away that the men in the story were seasoned, which gives the reader an early indication of violence. The sentence structure played a big part in the tone as well, shorter sentences signaling a rise in tension. Very nice.

I enjoyed the dialogue between these characters. It flowed well, the wording was realistic considering the type of men they were and it came across as very natural. The dialogue was active and was definitely a key aspect of the story.

Which leads me to character development. I felt the characters were realistic in their actions and reactions. Thanks to the narrative, the reader understands their tempers will be short and their reasoning unsound due to the length of time they had been stranded on the small boat with no food. I think you depicted them well, and though there wasn't a whole lot of individual development, I don't think it was necessary for telling this. Good work.

The story line itself flowed extremely well. The flow was continuously active, leading the reader through the story easily and with plenty to keep them interested. I know I was eager to see how the scene played out, and I wasn't disappointed. The action between the characters was really well described and I found it easy to follow the sequence of their encounter, making it easy to create a visual of the scene. Nice!

The last line was great, indicating that they had, in fact, solved their problem of being saved all by themselves. Even if it wasn't exactly ideal. *Smile* A suitable ending.

The title of this piece was great, and after reading it I could see why you chose it, since the 'burden of command' was what started it all in the first place with Colin, or was at least his excuse for his actions. I also think it will draw attention and cause readers to want to read it, as it indicates the conflict.

Suggestions:

*Bullet* “NO” shouted Gary,...
Consider using an exclamation point after 'No' to emphisize that he is shouting. Or, simply add a comma if you don't like the exclamation mark. Some authors try not to use them, so completely up to you.

*Bullet*“You shot me”.
Just a typo here, the period should be inside the quotation marks.

*Bullet* “Are you f***ing crazy?
Just missing the quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

Overall

All in all, a very enjoyable read. Have a wonderful WDC Anniversary! *Smile*

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
350
350
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone of this piece gave the impression of being told the story, very much like hearing it from a storyteller. I think it was a very effective method for this piece, as it gave it the feel of an old native story. Many times, my husbands mother has told me stories similar to this, of animals and their interaction with the tribes. This had the same type of feel to it. Well done.

The story line was interesting, and a tale I have never heard. It does have the same type of ring to it that one would expect from a native story as it is handed down through the people.

The structure of the piece was constant and flowed well. I didn't notice any areas where it lulled. It was actively told and kept me intrigued through the entire telling. I like how you provided a visual of the scene between the rabbit and the boy, switching from 'tell' to 'show' and back again smoothly. Very nice.

The sentence structure is reflective of the way the story would be told, as were the word choices. Lines such as 'ten hands of ten hands' provided a good showing of the type of speech one would expect from a native person at the time of the event.

There is a definitely moral within this story, to beware of what you promise without understanding the consequences as both the cottontail and the tribe found out, and as a result, suffered from this pact.

After reading this piece I chose to read it to my older children, aged nine and eleven. They enjoyed the story very much. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*The Wan-ee lands were not rich with the salmon that swam in the great river that ran through the willow and oak-covered fertile lands of the valley floor,...
This sentence felt awkward as I read it. I found I had to read it over twice to keep track of what it was saying. I think it is the use of 'that' twice so close together which threw it off for me. Consider taking out 'that ran through' and using an alternate way of describing the course of the river. Perhaps something like, '...that swam in the great river as it would its way through...'.

*Bullet*As soon as Father Sun had peeked over the tops of the great mountains this morning Waphoo had risen,...
The use of 'this morning' pulled this section out of tense with the preceeding sections. I think it could be removed without hampering the comprehension of the sentence. Something for you to think about.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well written piece, relflective of the native culture and the ways in which they express their connection to the world around them. An enjoyable read, thank you for sharing it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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