Hehehe, perfect use for the symbol. Although I find when emoticons are used without a gap between it and the text, the text becomes hard to read. I always insert a space between for clarity.
Not too much else to comment on is there. But thank you for sharing this information with the community. I hope many can learn from your example.
There is certainly something in this folder for everyone. From comedy to drama, you share emotional journies with us in many different scenarios. You show a keen imagination and your love and familiarity with children and family life is obvious.
I felt this one ended a bit abruptly. I suppose all questions are answered, but it seemed there was something missing. Maybe emotion?
I like the moral, the message. It is important. We don't have nearly the same scale problem here in New Zealand, but homlessness is still certainly present here.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"It had beenwas winter in Atlanta...chill had reached through"
"He stopped then, literally, as a nasty" - the adverb adds no necessary clarification or information to the statement. 'then' could be left, but the sentence is 'cleaner' without it.
"donations he had made"
There are a few more instances of 'had' that need addressing also.
Overall Comments
I think it could do with rounding out a bit more, developing the emotional aspects, not only showing more of Joe's emotions, but making the reader feel those same emotions (guilt, sorrow etc). I think the story could have a far greater impact then.
That ending is very sweet and touching. A beautiful way to round off the story.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation
"grandfathercomma Jamescommahad stood firm even"
"grandfather would thoughtthink"
"so MichelledMichellehad accepted"
"people of American" - Is this a typo or a term I am unfamiliar with?
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"James had said firmly" and "they had givengave her a copy"
... you know the drill here. Some I saw were fine, so check carefully for ones that need eliminating. If you want me to list them for you, I'm quite happy to do so.
The quote should be referenced. Work the reference into the story, like you did further down, for a natural flow and 'non-text-booky' feel.
The middle portion repeats itself. I have pulled out the lines in particular that I mean:
"read a few passages and pray about it."
"I did, I prayed about it, and it was the most amazing thing."
"I read that, and I thought that was kind of interesting"
"And they asked me to pray about it."
"So she had. “I read this part and thought, wow, that’s interesting."
"I prayed about it, and then I read this"
Overall Comments
It needs simplifying/clarifying a bit, and doing so will improve the comprehension and the emotional reaction of the reader.
Even so, I did find this story has a very warm and sweet emotional feel. The relationships between Lavonne's grandfather right through to her granddaughter give the whole a believable more tangible meaning.
Sestinas are not an easy form to write. To make all the words fit naturally without repeating oneself over and over is a challenge. You avoided that trap.
A great fourth verse. I feel the 6 words fit very nicely into the imagery and you create here an identifiable sense of longing. I think that this is the pinnacle for emotional responses garnered from readers.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"Exhausted at having captured freedom" - I think this line does not quite achieve the meaning desired. It sounds like he was exhausted because he got freedom, not because of the process of capturing freedom. Compare the difference to 'Exhausted from efforts to capture freedom' It's longer, and I'm sure there's a more succinct way to say it...just a thought.
"He pointed to the pain to ride alone" - 'of riding'?
There feels a lack of connection between verses. Johnny Cash is the overall theme, but verses switch between describing his life, the author's wishes and the lives of everyone. I found this gave a rather disjointed feel.
Overall Comments
I would work at bringing more cohesion between verses to smooth out the subject matter. A difficult style to work in, but well worth the restrictive focus to sharpen up poetry writing skills.
This is something I have not done myself - creating specific unpublished clips to submit with items. It is an interesting concept, and I shall have to revisit your newsletter editorial to remind myself about the processes/benefits.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"how good of a writer"
You may wish to add a line between your "Feedback welcome!" and the link to the newsletter issue.
This is a good idea - to help guide those people who want to read something of yours and are not just after a particular genre or item type. It is nice to see that there is a good selection of items to read though, from poetry to articles.
I like the simple, clear introduction and the lovely use of WritingML code. O'm starting to get a sense that blue might be your favourite colour?!?
How often do the contents change? You may wish to add a note, so that people know roughly how often there is something new (if you do rotate the items).
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"They spread their wings...,
They spread their wings..." - I do not think the repeated phrasing works too well in this instance. It could if it appeared elsewhere in the poem, but I would alter it a little. The second line could say something like "wings opened...' as an example.
The rhythm is pretty good though the 2 long lines throw this off somewhat. I would be tempted to break these lines into two. You will achieve a cleaner look and the rhyme still works.
I also think the first of the long lines is rather awkwardly worded. It is difficult to say, and there is repetition.
"People have told me if they have gone through what I have their spirit would be beaten"
Simplify the wording and clarify the intent.
Suggestion: People tell me if they'd gone through...
Overall Comments
I think the sentiment of this is very beautiful. It is obviously written from the heart and that emotion carries across so very clearly.
As requested, I am reviewing your item in terms of the language usage.
I like the structure and some of the lines are just fine. The second line is perfect.
The knowledge of complex, advanced words is fun, but does not automatically equate to good writing. In fact most people will find it frustrating. I consider myself no slouch, but I must admit I went to the dictionary four times during the span of this short 8-line poem.
It may help to define your audience. This poem, as is, would suit the intellectual person who loves words and flourishes. For the average person, they will most likely overlook it as too much work to understand.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"Rudimentary growth, molting crass" - the intention and meaning of this line is quite lost. Simplify it. Start by writing a basic line that uses the most simplest of language you can dredge from your young school days. Then add in imagery that says what you want it to say, without losing the meaning.
Some alternatives:
rudimentary - basic, early, fundamental, primitive
growth
molting - shedding, ridding, discarding, casting
crass (I'll leave this one alone, otherwise it requires a complete amendment of the poem to achieve the rhyme. If you want to though, it would be an interesting exercise).
I have chosen: Primitive growth, discarding the crass
Now compare that to the original. The meaning is clearer, the words simpler but still provide a strong mental image.
"A plenary effigy" - effigy is a good word and I think it really suits the subject. "plenary", however, unnecessarily complicates the line. An equally descriptive word that is less complex could be adopted. Such as 'solid' 'visible' or 'definite'
Overall Comments
You have adhered well to the form of the triolet. Your take on the prompt is very good. It is creative, and provides an interesting image. I think it well worth your time to work on it a little for general audience consumption.
I trust that my comments have been helpful. Please be encouraged. Your work shows a natural flair for the written word. Most of us are here to refine our skills and talent. You're just one of us.
A very deft, twisting plot. I certainly had no idea where that was going, in fact I had it ending somewhere quite different. I love mystery, but I cannot write them. Thank you for providing me a good one.
I enjoyed the story, but it has a tendency to passive phrasing. A reader feels disconnected with the action and the pace is hindered. I comment on specifics below.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation
"rain streaked glass" - rain-streaked
"street belowcomma including a"
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"caption, which had been circled" - passive phrasing. Consider the difference to something like: caption, circled in red.
"certain she had just missed" - also passive. Where the sentence makes sense without 'had' in it, it probably means it is not required. A passive sentence removes the reader from the scene, dulling the narrative.
"backward and crashed into the shelves" - the humble little "and". Sometimes it is not the best way to connect a sentence. I notice that there are a lot of and's throughout the story, and the fact I noticed them tells me something. Consider the difference in :backward, crashing into the shelves. It gives a much more intense action scene than the 'and' which serves to delay the outcome, taking away some of the tension.
Overall Comments
Tighten up the action scenes, investing more urgency and tension. This will serve well for an even more gripping story.
A very vivid picture is painted here. The "milky billows" is a beautiful description.
I do feel the essence of the scene gets carried away on a platter of flowery and long words. I love descriptive language, but it can overpower the scene when used to excess. I feel your piece suffers from this tendency. I myself have been guilty of the very same thing, until I learned that subtlety can be far more effective.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
Avoid using 'had' where the sentence stands without it. It effectively makes narrative sound passive, removing the reader from what is happening in the scene.
examples: "She had originally feigned" and "motion had lured them"
Use fancy words sparingly, using more common words to build a picture anyone can understand. Then drop in carefully chosen adjectives to provide the decorative and polished finish. Also avoid adverbs eg. mercilessly, relentlessly. There are usually clearer, tighter ways of phrasing the sentence to avoid them.
Overall Comments
Well written, but I do recommend that bit of simplification.
An intriguing snippet of Mrs Cobb's life but I found the first half quite slow. There was a lot of labouring over every detail of her movements, when the whole could be more succinctly put, and still show her normal, methodical lifestyle. Then there would be more room to develop the story behind her actions.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Characters
There is no explanation of who Anvil is, his relationship with Mrs Cobb. I found myself wanting more detail on why she did what she did for the boy. Who was he and what was her motivation?
Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation
"Her gray-streaked hair was violently out" - this sentence reads as incomplete, but is resolved by the addition of 'was'. Also note hyphenation added
"title of “Wickette’s" - previously it was spelt 'Wickett' (without the e). Maintain consistent spelling of made-up terms.
"way back to the front porch."
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"her feet into her worn fuzzy slippers, stretched her withering arms above her head" - the repetition here is quite noticeable. It is quite easy just to eliminate most of them, since the reader would not assume that she was shoving her feet into anyone else's slippers or stretching another person's arms.
"Cobb began to follow her normal" - 'began' distances what is happening. Be more direct for a tighter read eg. Mrs. Cobb followed her normal...
"stirred her cup of tea,and createdcreating a small" - notice the difference in the suggested phrasing. She did not deliberately create the whirlpool, but her actions resulted in that.
Separating paragraphs with blank lines makes a story much easier for a reader, enabling the eyes to rest. It is not essential, but is kinder for readers.
Overall Comments
A story that could do with some deeper development, especially of characters, and plot, but it does provide an interesting slice of everyday life.
"Someone must die for your sin. Will it be you or Him?" - Beautiful. This is where it is at. I love the succinctness of the statement, the condensing of the whole issue. These words strike where they need to!
I also love your closing sentence which is inspirational.
This is a well-worded, clearly thought-out, wonderful metaphor! This is a joy to read, and it makes perfect sense, so that even someone who does not believe must see the truth in it.
It was my pleasure to have found this item!
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation
"any more(though" - insert a space before the bracket
"That is why he had to die, and we should be thankful to let him" - it is the usual convention to capitalise personal pronouns when used to refer to God/Jesus/Holy Spirit.
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"more cells seem to be all that's out there." - "seem" can turn a good sentence passive. Often a little rewording can avoid this issue and make for a tighter, more impacting read. For example: more cells are all they can see.
This sounds like a great idea to help out with the entries for your numerous contests.
As always, I love the colours you use. The items always have such a festive and inviting feel. Your outline of benefits is great and your added extras are a nice attraction. I like how a member can choose which contests to review or enter...especially since I like entering your contests.
One thing you may wish to consider, especially if there are more than 49 people who want to participate - how often do you expect members to review? It may be something to add if that becomes an issue.
Some other constructive comments:
"contests. (most of which are fundraisers)." - delete the full stop before the first bracket.
The first two bulleted "Guidelines" contain two sentences. In each case, they should form one sentence.
"note* this will not necessarily be a paid reviewedreview." - the asterisk, as far as I am aware, usually goes before the "note"
I found the use of the term "blank" in the gift point donation section confusing. Perhaps using 'text box' would clarify the meaning.
An interesting poll! I voted for the third option. It is an exclamation of some passion, so it is more likely that a speaker will lapse into their native language for both words, and not just the one.
As to whether you use their own language in a story or not, it depends on the character. A lapse into their native language can be used to signify a mental breakdown, or passion. In a mystery it can be used sparingly to give some small clues about a character's origin. It can add authenticity done well, but overused it is likely to frustrate English-speaking readers. Thus it also depends on your desired target group.
Does that help?
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
You have conveyed a good deal of emotion in this poem. I get a sense of fear and an almost bitter tone.
The repetition of the form is effective, and adds a nice emphasis to the message. The closing two lines are particularly poignant and round off the whole experience nicely, whilst leaving a thoughtful reflectiveness in the reader. I believe that echoes the writer's mind.
What an interesting poem! There is one particular part that caught my attention and delighted me - the reference to chocolate. Very clever and creative imagery. Nicely worded
I'm not quite sure how a bowl of cherries, herbal tea and museli are connected - I can't imagine fruit eating the breakfast things.
I like the story. I was compelled to read on and on. Interesting, inventive and enjoyable.
There are a number of issues with passive phrasing, but all can be fixed. There are many instances when things are related through Mouse's eyes but could be given much more intensity and tension by not relaying it through her. For example: "She heard her master’s screech of anger" is much more vibrant when worded as: 'The wizard screeched like an angry demon...'
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Plot
"spotted a crystal ball on the wizard’s desk. It glowed softly in the dusty room. She stepped closer, not remembering the ball on the desk" - logical order of things, she has spotted the ball, so why the comment about not remembering it?
Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling
"And my study, doesn’t look" - remove the comma
"“Yes sir.” She mumbled" - dialogue tags are lower case, and the punctuation before the end speech mark should be a comma. Apply this throughout the piece as there are numerous instances.
"would usually like today, receive a tongue lashing for it" - a slightly awkward word order here. Consider: would usually receive a tongue lashing for it, [just] like today.
"her oldcomma thinning sweater pocket"
"hard for her to breathe"
"how about if I give you a name"
"while silently repeatedrepeating the words"
". Filling a bowl with" - remove the full stop at the beginning
"what youryou're doing with Master"
"Mouse with hopefulness"
"A largecomma tall man"
"she saw the air shimmered"
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"noticed a cloth that laylying on the chair" - avoid passive phrasing
"The girl looked towards the door shortly" - the adverb 'shortly' sounds odd here. 'Shortly the girl looked...' but I would avoid the adverb, going for something like 'After a moment's thought the girl looked...'
"Mouse prepared to cry yet again" - prepared? It gives the impression of a staged reaction. 'looked ready to cry again'?
"amazement as her scratch of paper rippled and shimmered as the words" - repetition
"But the wizard had kept her" - passive
"That she had actually gotten the words to the spell right had surprised him when he had called her to the workroom two days before." - a troublesome sentence full of passive phrasing, wordiness and order problems. Consider the difference: When he called her to the workroom two days earlier, he was surprised that she got the words to the spell right.
"stairs until she reachedto his study" - eliminate wordiness to give a tighter, more dynamic story
"but never once had she removed"
"ripple of power as the wizard" - "as" is used a lot. In this instance 'when' serves just as well.
"She heard him pounding up the stairs" - why not show us by describing the sounds for a more intense scene?
"knew in that instant that he was"
"sunset Alia seemed to glowed" - 'seemed' is another pacifier. Be more direct.
Overall Comments
This is a great story. Adding some more description/imagery and addressing passive phrasing and wordiness wil turn it into fantastic.
It is a pleasure to make a foray into your port since we have communicated in forums for some time.
This folder should be rated so that it can appear on public lists and give some indication to readers as to whether it is 'safe' for their age/sensibility to access. The folder does not have to reflect the ratings of items within it, so 'E' would be fine for both the content and intro ratings. In any case the story you have in the folder is rated 'E'.
A small matter, but I always think images look better centered in a heading.
I love exercises in description. Did you enjoy doing this one?
I liked the mud, it brought to mind a perfectly accurate picture.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Watch for repetition. In the first paragraph there are three words used twice, each within a short space from each other (spot, comfortable, light)
"the breeze blowing a dampness that penetrates my skin and makes me shiver" - I think this could be tightened a bit to distill the moment. eg. the breeze is blowing a damp to penetrate my skin, making me shiver.
"My lightweight light blue jacket over my T-shirt and underneath my heavyweight dark blue baseball jacket" - this is a bit too much information at once. Try to distribute facts through the story so that a reader doesn't get bored by it. You could instead talk about the colours of the layers, (the triple layer of mis-matched blues about my torso), or mention the top jacket at some other point, for example.
"black Reeboks are in need of cleaning" - instead of telling us they need cleaning, why not show us that they do. For example: Reeboks spattered with clumps of dried mud
Overall Comments
I certainly got a picture of the scene you were describing.
When writing descriptive passages look for the essential components- add in what is important/has meaning for the scene. For example - I would only mention the jackets if they tied in with the team colours, demonstrated the weather (which they kind of do) ... i.e. look at an object or fact's purpose in the scene, and that will help define what aspect of them you should describe.
Careful attention has been paid to the syllable count.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"Chaos is the worseworst there is"
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"so" appears 3 times in four lines. You could change some to freshen it up. eg. quite would work in this line: "it makes me feel soquite sublime"
Some of the lines the begin ideas are not strongly connected. I suggest using a colon at the end of lines 1, 5, 9 and 14. This performs the function of introducing supporting evidence (the following lines) for those statements.
Overall Comments
There is indeed a pervasive feeling of peace as one reads through this poem. It has a lovely effect, calming and sweet.
Two similar titled poems and two quite different results.
I would like to have seen more flow between the lines, instead of the short, snappy one-liners that give a choppy effect. This can be tricky to accomplish in acrostics, but is worthwhile doing to achieve a better flow. I found overall, that the two acrostics felt disjointed because there was little to connect individual thoughts/lines.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
"Outside, the thunder roars." - use a comma here instead of the full stop to connect it to the next line.
"PeakingPeeking to see"
"in it'sits monstrous glory" - smae here: "on it'sits hinges" - only use 'it's' where 'it is' makes sense also
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
"Off in a distance the thunder roars" - A suggestion: Off in the distance thunder roars
"Finally over this storm that had you so scared" - awkward phrasing
Overall Comments
I particularly enjoyed the second acrostic, which uses some nice imagery. The rain pouncing is a cool image and apt for the situation of a storm causing fear.
A most intriguing and 'deep' poem. It is dark, somewhat.
The rhythm seems monotonous in the first verse, coupled as it is with the apparently emotionless observations.
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Grammar and Spelling
Replacing some of the commas with full-stops, to give a natural sentence structure and the reader a greater pause, would help improve the flow. As it is, the reader is led on to read the verse in one swoop, which I found resulted in a monotonous-rhythm feeling.
Overall Comments
I like the strong, consistent imagery and the thought-provoking end.
This is a fun story. Do you have plans to submit it to a publisher for a children's picture book?
I like the way the ending completes the beginning, rounding out the story in a lovely way.
"Smoke puffed out his nose, and his belly wiggled" - I love this line!
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Plot
"The sun had risen the dawn was here" - at a minimum this needs a comma between the two parts of the sentence. But they both say the same thing, effectively.
Grammar and Spelling
"These were all hers in the dreams of night." - otherwise it sounds like the dreams were about the night, not during the night.
"She rode Goo, and as he trotted they played."
Some sentences are awkwardly worded and would be a hiccup for a child to read, or an adult reading to a child. Work at achieving a more natural sentence structure. (eg. "My name is Gabryele; it's a pleasure to meet.")
Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)
The rhyme scheme is inconsistent. Series of 4, 3, and 2 lines are used. Sometimes there is a split between the rhymed words instead of the usual consecutive format. There are also a couple of imperfect rhymes that you may wish to tighten up. Because the rhyme is used throughout, the breaches become quite noticeable.
"This, of course, was met with great cheer" - for some reason I don't like this inclusion. It's an interjection from the writer. An alterative would be: 'Her words were met with great cheer.'
"When she finished speaking, he held his head hung down."
"things in a big backpack" - since 'back' is used in the next line for the rhyme.
"There was the towncomma the people looked up"
"The mayor spoke up...Gabryele spoke, announcing" - repetition. In addition, does the second sentence need both 'spoke' and 'announcing'?
Overall Comments
This is cute and funny. Work on consistency, and phrasing sentences with a natural flow to help polish this item.
Write on!
Reviewathon Reviewer
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kiwiangel/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.91 seconds at 1:21am on Apr 26, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Although I find when emoticons are used without a gap between it and the text, the text becomes hard to read. I always insert a space between for clarity.
But thank you for sharing this information with the community. I hope many can learn from your example. 
"It 
"They spread their wings...,
"Rudimentary growth, molting crass" - the intention and meaning of this line is quite lost. Simplify it. Start by writing a basic line that uses the most simplest of language you can dredge from your young school days. Then add in imagery that says what you want it to say, without losing the meaning.
"rain streaked glass" - rain-streaked
There is no explanation of who Anvil is, his relationship with Mrs Cobb. I found myself wanting more detail on why she did what she did for the boy. Who was he and what was her motivation?
"
This is very cute! It is so neat when inspiration hits from some random event or thing.