These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"The years they pass as if they were days."
"will not aleve" - alleviate or relieve
"As yet unproven sacrilege in droves the cursed ones did come." - the meaning of this sentence is unclear
"grew embolden" - emboldened
"motherly Vail uplifted" - Veil
"Evil, pure evil was" - comma also after the second 'evil'
"Laughter heard so aloud" - loud
What I liked / didn't like about this item
"Unfaithfulness hath wrought a coffin filled of our hopes and dreams and love trimmed in hateful lace." - great imagery and conveyance of emotion in this line.
There are some wonderful moments when the rhyme and the internal rhyme make this poetic but mostly, it reads as formatted prose. The longer lines could be reworked to break into a more poetic form, making greater use of the rhymes you do have. That will give them more notice and give the piece a rhythm that is desirable in most poetry.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
" I met you even though" - comma after 'you'
"you around people" - comma after 'around'
"first but gradually," - comma also after 'but'
"peace and the gaping wound" - I would break up this sentence after 'peace' and begin a new one 'The gaping...'
What I liked / didn't like about this item
This conveys a real sense of the bitter-sweetness of the episode you describe. I felt it was a little detached but thought that this was suitable, conveying to me the emotional detachment which you both describe and infer.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
The power search function is only available to upgraded+ members, so you might want to add in the exclusion of non-upgraded members into that bit.
The format of the first paragraph is a bit confusing. Could you list out the two ways in a cleaner way so that it is easier to read (and thus avoiding the complex commas and semicolons?
What I liked / didn't like about this item
A nicely presented piece. I liked your use of colour and the examples you provided. Nice work.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"gathered my things to do list , settled" - awkward phrasing. I don't think it needs "things" and 'to do' can be in inverted commas as I have done here. Also, there is a errant space between "list" and the comma.
The first sentence is very long and needs to be broken up.
"branches (already starting to show the light weight of new growth) in a" - the use of brackets here interrupts the train of the thought and it is hard to reconnect the string of ideas before and after them.
"life style" - lifestyle
"Flip it over and you start all over" - repetition. Could "all over" perhaps be replaced by 'afresh' or 'anew'
What I liked / didn't like about this item
What a delightful piece! In a world that is crazy-paced and full, I appreciate your words that it is okay to do nothing at all. There is always something to do, the trick is certainly in finding out that to do nothing is of equal value for it gives our bodies, minds and spirits a freshness, rest and time for reflection. Sometimes I try so hard to write that it is only when I stop and give up that I start seeing the inspiration around me; instead of trying to drag it up from somewhere that's too busy to notice.
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Now, about your item:
You have constructed this tale within a poem very well. Your rhythm is pretty much spot on throughout and your rhymes are natural and unforced. It follows through in a logical progression and is clear and concise. A lovely read.
I will feature this in next week's Noticing Newbies newsletter.
Write on!
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Welcome to Writing.com, a fabulous community of people who love to read and write.
Please feel free to ask myself or any other blue case (moderator) if you need help or information about the site.
Now, about your item:
Constructive Comments
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"the lamps in the faraway street" - to avoid the repeated "the", could you use 'a' in place of the second one?
What I liked / didn't like about this item
This is a beautiful poem that creates such a lovely picture. While much of it borders on being cliche, your closing line of the 'angel's kiss' seals the while deal for me. *sigh* A dreamy read.
Overall Comments
I will feature this in the Noticing Newbies newsletter next week.
Write on!
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These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"ills tucked into" - bills, and 'under' rather than "into"?
The last verse loses the slight rhythm that is found in the rest of the poem
What I liked / didn't like about this item
This creates a dreamy picture, it is soft and sweet.
I like the rhythm and internal rhyme of this line:
"No power mowers, leaf blowers," - if one more of these could be worked in, it would enhance the sing-song feel.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"either a fantastic story or"
"and a bright, full"
"that Jonathan Flakes — that when" - repetition here does not flow so well.
"even refusing eating or drinking anythingwhen he did." - grammatically clumsy. My suggestions are shown in red.
"Maybe he was — but then again, maybe he wasn’t."
"He wrote about his seeing a mysterious light while he was writing one day, his deciding and how he decided to follow it., and his He wrote about encountering his late brother’s spirit; claiming to find him among the lilies — his brother’s favorite flower." too long and the repeated 'his' is anooying. Streamline and break into two sentences if necessary. Some suggestions are shown.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
I like the style of this piece, relaxed, friendly, like a favourite story-teller weaving his tale in front of the fire, watched on by his adoring children.
Many sentences are too long and the order of things is muddly. Too many hyphens and commas distract the reader from what the point is. While this conveys the style, as an item for reading, it becomes too cluttered. Some of the phrasing is a bit awkward too. I suggest that someone who has never read it, reads it aloud to you so that you can hear where difficulties lie.
The ending, about looking for the brother in the lillies is clever and effective.
I think this is beautiful Shaara. The style is, oh, so readable. The whole story is warm and conversational and delivers truths in child-friendly, raspberry flavour.
Your descriptions are awesome and I could picture the scenes even though I have never seen such a sight in my life.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"of the tour I could" - comma after 'tour'
"heavy lead weighted pain" - hypenate lead-weighted
"anyone in the minute detail"
"meet Dale, my husband" - I think this sounds more natural as 'meet my husband, Dale'
"that, I realized too that Jeremy" - comma after 'too'
"wouldn’t have been able to have made it up" - repetition; simplify with 'wouldn't have been able to make it up'
"in his
later days." - take out the return to reconnect this sentence. There are a few other places where this also needs to happen. In a number if instances, the beginnings of each new line (in the middle of a sentence) has a capital also. eg "intelligent
Young man"
"Between the breathing ... the climb either." - this sentence does not flow very well. Try re-ordering to put the events in correct order and add some commas where necessary. The 'either' is not required.
"stop there I went" - comma after 'there'
"thing, Okay?" - change the comma to a full stop
"that just seemed to filter through me, and I just allowed it." - repetition
"jealous, that he" - remove the comma
"asked hehis mother"
"drifted to the blind"
What I liked / didn't like about this item
There are a lot of places where the sentences are broken in the middle. This interrupts the flow. In addition, commas are required in many places.
I found that there was too much wrong in the family and the three stepfathers came across as unbelievable. There was no explanation, no reason to include the third one, I would leave him out as he does not further the storyline.
Apart from these thngs, this is a moving story. Tragic but sweet. I love the relationship you describe between the mother and son. Leave other aspects (daughter's speaking etc) to a minimum so as to not distract the reader.
Overall Comments
An enjoyable read which tends to be a tad long. Omit pieces which don't relate to the plot and watch out for unnecessary words such as "really"
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
I kept trying to find a rhythm for this and could not. I think it could be wonderfully enhanced with some sort of rhythm to it.
"Spices of cinnamon and berries" - in your list the only spice mentioned is cinnamon so I had a problem with the plural reference. Perhaps 'smells' or just "spices and berries"?
"From faraway and near" - better flow with 'From both faraway...'
"And for some, it’s for whatever" - repitition makes this sound a little tired
What I liked / didn't like about this item
I love the accompanying image. Just beautiful! The message contained in your poem is lovely and the way it encompasses many beliefs is honouring and sweet.
Overall Comments
I feel this poem would be well supported with some attention to rhythm - add a song to the lovely words and its effect would be heightened.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"who for the past 22 years and some off months has been a man" - the phrasing here seems complicated to me. Can it be simplified? Also I am pretty sure that for most of those 22 years, you would have been classed as a boy
The sentence structure annoyed me a little. A lot of short fragments, which I guess is the style of the piece.
I could see no punctuation or spelling errors.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
This has some dreadfully witty moments in. The bit about Jane Goodall I found to be a little flat but otherwise you have managed to sustain an even comedic pace.
"wide without the crowd." - use of 'the' here points to a specific group. As no such group is specified, I believe it makes more sense and sounds a bit better with 'a' for a non-specific reference - i.e. ...wide without a crowd
The second to last line is a bit cliched, have a play with the wording to give the same image but with fresher phrasing.
The rhythm in some places could be improved. For example, nightengale has a few too many syllables to fit the pattern and although it creates a pretty picture, an alternative bird could be chosen to improve the flow. This would make the poem sing as well as the bird.
Overall Comments
You have built up a clear image and then added that nice twist at the end which brings us back to the title.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
" there has now been enough time that has passed to heal the loss" - the double has makes this sentence a little cluttered and awkward. This bit could be simplified for easier reading to 'enough time has now passed to heal the loss'
"Of course Taylor" - either 'to Taylor' or 'for Taylor' is needed here to make the end of the sentence make sense.
"that!”I said" - space missing before the 'I'
"kitten. ( litter box, water and food. )" - a better alternative to the brackets is to hyphen the list after kitten and only have the full stop after food. This makes the list part of the setence and less of an afterthought as it appears now.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
A warm and readable style, this is an enjoyable tale. Some more description would have enhanced the story even more. For example, in the bit about the cages, instead of describing their location, talk about the crowded look, the sounds, smells, the difficulty of seeing all the pets, the confusion. This would gvae a much more tangible taste of the experience.
Overall Comments
A cute story. It's always exciting getting a new pet and I love the new kitten's name (both versions).
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"Apparently my big ...numbers , and called her." - This is quite a long sentence which would be okat with another comma or two to provide readers with a breather. Also take the space out between 'number's and the comma.
"Ok, I thought after work I would go home" - wrong placement of commas, and quotation marks
might assist here also. eg. "Ok," I thought, "after work..."
"rather give the money to us rather than" - take out one of the 'rather's'
The voices of your characters don't differ very much. You could give them some individuality without using lots of words just by giving each one a different way of speaking. For example, the fortune teller could have a trashy twang or use hocus pocus lingo. Using different language and phrasing for characters can add a lot of depth and avoids having to use 'he said/she said' all the time.
There are other places where a comma is required or there is one, just in the wrong place. Try reading it aloud. Anywhere you naturally pause for breath, is probably where one should go.
to speak to you! - end quotation mark missing from this sentence.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
There is a good pace in this story. One can feel the tension and anxiety as he searches for the ticket. This is a great feature. Apart from this, I felt the ending a little too abrupt and harsh and there is a good opportunity to make this ending a little more humourous to balance the tenseness of the rest of the story.
The formatting could be improved to aid a reader follow through smoothly as it is not always clear when someone is talking or not. Separate out the conversations onto separate lines is a good way to start.
Overall Comments
A good storyline. A few little technical issues but overall a good read.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
"last breath, go to one" - the comma here is not required
What I liked / didn't like about this item
This creates a mournful and deep picture with some stunning descriptions and nice word choice. The last verse didn't seem to satisfy me, it wasn't quite right somehow. Without it the poem moves along very well and this makes a good read, regardless. Just my opinion anyway.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Just one small typo:
"hands of the dieing" - dying
The structure of this is not so important, but I wondered if you had considered putting it in more poetic form. The spaces and repitition make it jumpy and a little tired in places.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
I love the sweetness of this item. It shows you are a very considerate and kind person and that comes through in the gentleness of your words. I would like to see it tightened up a bit so that the impact and mood do not become lost in excess words.
Overall Comments
Overall this is a good read as it really tells the reader something about yourself and who could fault such a sincere heart.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Three times you have "so much more". The first and third are fine but the second one didn't sound quite right. I think perhaps a fresher feel could be achieved by limiting the phrase.
What I liked / didn't like about this item
A cool wee poem that just scratches the surface of what teaching involves. It is true, teaching involves so much more than maths and spelling, or even sports and play. Your poem is lovely in it's simplicity and how it covers the complexities of the job in this way.
These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.
Just one small omission:
"he secured the muffler" - secured to the
What I liked / didn't like about this item
A lovely funny look at men's habits. I particularly enjoyed the clothes-sniffing as this is eaxctly what my hubby does. I cannot understand it - he knows it's going to smell bad but delights in doing it anyway. He doesn;t completely fit your analogy though as he usually leaves his hose together and in one (of several) logical places.
Overall Comments
All in all this was a fun read. Nice work!
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"The years 
"will not aleve" - alleviate or relieve
"As yet unproven sacrilege in droves the cursed ones did come." - the meaning of this sentence is unclear
"when the thank you" - they
"worse feeling" - worst
Now, about your item:
"the lamps in the faraway street" - to avoid the repeated "the", could you use 'a' in place of the second one?
A little more punctuation would help; for example, a comma after "white"
"by mouth and by fist" - repetition, the first "by" could be replaced with 'with'
makes me wonder HOW it was known. 
"Of course Taylor" - either 'to Taylor' or 'for Taylor' is needed here to make the end of the sentence make sense.
"that!”I said" - space missing before the 'I'
"kitten. ( litter box, water and food. )" - a better alternative to the brackets is to hyphen the list after kitten and only have the full stop after food. This makes the list part of the setence and less of an afterthought as it appears now.
There are other places where a comma is required or there is one, just in the wrong place. Try reading it aloud. Anywhere you naturally pause for breath, is probably where one should go.
to speak to you! - end quotation mark missing from this sentence.