What a compelling tale! I do not normally read horror, but you sold me from the very first paragraph. My vivid imagination had plenty of help to visualise the events, from your extremely descriptive passages. Captivating!
Just one little plot point I wondered about:
“Oh, my Zack--you still love me, don’t you?”
This comes just after Penny reveals her name. How does the mother suddenly know his name? Perhaps a sentence added to show her memory is stimulated by Penny's revelation. The mother may have heard Pennt use Zack's name earlier, but then why would the mother say she didn't know their names if she already had his? Something to think about, anyway.
This poem left me feeling sad, and it's good that you've been able to elicit some emotional response.
I found Verse 2 provided the deepest emotional response. This is a great verse.
It has a fairly even flow, but a couple of issues exist with the rhyming.
My constructive suggestions for your consideration:
"My heart pulled" - 'pulls' I think would be more appropriate than "pulled"
"of aan angel"
angel/again does not rhyme, breaking your pattern. This seems a shame, and for a more polished affect, it would be better to maintain the rhyme scheme or do away with it altogether.
"Leaves me scared to the tear" do you mean afraid to cry?
Wow I am impressed. Recorded and playing. Well done. I have made some suggestions, which seem a little obselete given the status of the song. But for what they're worth, I leave you my thoughts:
"And his slugger’s playing ball for real" - if the "And" is dropped from this line, I think the rhythm is improved, and it removes the repetition with the next line.
"And yYou'd put me on your shoulders" - again to eliminate the repetition and give the line more oomph. "And" at the beginning tends to put the emphasis on that word instead of the important subject - you and dad.
Overall, I found this a great song. I could feel the rhythm. The subject is gorgeous, and emotive. That chorus is just a heart-grabber! Maybe because I can identify with a father in heaven...
You have written such beautiful words. They are simply the truth and endearingly expressed in that simplicity.
Since the format chosen is to center the text, why not separate out those lines which wrap around. Put the segment after the comma on the next line down for a cleaner, more appealing look. Also, you may wish to bold the title, which is lost given the formatting of the body.
"say, 'I love you'." Add inverted commas to indicate it as a spoken phrase.
This leaves me with a warm feeling. Thank you for sharing.
A cute tale. I found the dialogue realistic for the age group, as is the interaction between the two boys.
You may want to cut back just a tad on the "Ok"s as they tend to make the story a bit tired and repetitive. Often real speech reads horribly if you write it exactly as it is spoken.
Overall, this is a nice story and I think any little boy would be intrigued by it. I can imagine it with some colourful pictures, being read at bedtime.
Some constructive comments for your consideration:
"an hourcomma and they still"
"John and Brian were getting were tired of waiting."
"Okcomma finecomma you can look"
"youreyou're gonna"
"your thingcomma and I"
" Thats right. - in quite a few places there is a space present between the beginning quotation mark and the word. Remove those spaces.
"...working on itfull stop"
"Little brothersfull stop"
This is an awesome piece. So very creative in it's view and way of describing feelings. I found it to be very compelling. There were places I simply could not stop reading.
The only thing that somewhat took the shine off, was the punctuation and repetition. I have pointed out some areas below, for your consideration.
"sense of things and events" - things is a non-specific word, it does not give the reader much of an idea as to what you are referring. Using a more specific word (eg. circumstances OR life) would bring more identification for the reader. It also gives them a clue as to the person's state of mind. For example, a different impression is obtained from "dramas" than if "happenings" was used.
"I had hardly time to" - makes the sentence passive, and its unnecessary
"blur; but for all thatcomma I later I realized they"
"I saw a series of faces: smiling faces, sleeping faces, peaceful faces, joyful faces for the" - repetition can be used to great affect, yet here, I thought that it was a little overused. You could remove one or two without losing the thread, and providing a slightly different result; i.e. ...smiling faces, sleeping and peaceful faces, joyful faces... is one possible way.
"images of clouds and mountains and seas and sun and birds and trees and churches and music being played and heard, and as I followed" - here, the repetition gets a bit much. Remove some for a cleaner, more impacting sentence. Utilise punctuation for a softer flow.
"were not yetcomma but were coming to be"
"like joycommaand love and peacecomma and that together"
"full of lovecommaand hopecommaand joy and peace completely"
I would be happy to re-read if you make changes to this item.
I love the message in this poem. So many people are afraid of death. I am not, so I really enjoyed the point of this.
Some constructive comments for your consideration:
"Death, you, harbinger" - the second comma (after "you") is not needed
"Why, of you, I be afraid" - 'be I afraid' is a more natural way of phrasing
"That one day you will me lend
Helping hand, so that with you" - an 'a' is required either at the end of the first line, or beginning of the second one.
bow/show - imperfect rhyme, the only one in the poem. Could this be reworded to make a perfect rhyme in keeping with the rest of the poem?
Some punctuation is really needed. Question marks at a minimum, some commas would be good too. In some areas the lines do not break naturally and this tends to create a run-on effect with the reader not knowing which ideas belong to each other. Adding appropriate punctuation would remove this ambiguity.
This is a nice little story. He sounds like a rather sorry fellow. I would have liked a bit more, to find out whether he climbs from his lifestyle and finds happiness.
You could turn this into a much longer story. Have it turn out that she had started the fire to deal to her ex who also lived in the building.
Some constructive comments for your consideration:
"work earning, had in reality been the cause" - this comma either doesn't need to be there, or if retained, another one should be placed after "reality"
"the motions was about"
Plot issue~
There's a bit of confusion over which way he is going in the elevator.
At the beginning the bellboy asks if he is going up, to which he says, no, down. A reader (or at least, me) assumes he is getting in on the ground floor. If not, where and why? It would have to be somewhere between the top and third floors. If he was just coming home, how did he end up already in the building. Maybe he was in the gym or something? But that doesn't seem to fit with his character, and would be inconsistent with the fact tht he hasn't been on any other floors than the restaurant, his apartment and the ground floor. Also, near the end, he mentions about going down to the bar area. So any change made will need to be reflected here as well.
It is surprising (in a good way), and emotive. You built up a good amount of tension and mystery. The fear and anxiety was tangible, and the ending was very satisfying, though tragic in a sense.
This is a very good poem. The rhythm is excellent throughout and the rhymes are all natural and logical. I just loved the way this rolled off my tongue.
The story it relates is also entertaining and there is a sense of completion at the end.
Some constructive suggestions for your consideration.
"god" - should be capitalised
"wanted a a war."
"rounds was it" - unnatural word order, It would have no effect on the rhythm or rhyme to make it natural i.e. 'rounds it was'
The second to last verse confuses the tenses - the first two lines of it. They are present tense and the rest of the poem is past tense.
Some constructive suggestions for your consideration:
Grammar and Spelling
"patientcomma and called"
"a shadowcomma but these"
"All George knew iswas" - tense confusion
"hellocomma but he could
Other Matters
"The big party was the big" - repetition, avoid where possible to keep the narrative fresh.
The characters are good but I would have liked to see some actual interaction earlier on. Maybe a conversation or some 'show' of the bond. Some more 'showing' of details would help enhance the story also, as it is mostly 'telling' us the story.
Overall
This story builds up well. You've packed a lot into a short space and this keeps the story moving along nicely.
I enjoyed this story. You have a most interesting imagination.
A nice journey that you take the reader on. For me it came together beautifully in that last verse. That added the sentimentality and emotion that was needed.
Puncuation is inconsistent. Some commas would help. And do you really want each of those lines to be the series of short statements that they are made into with the full stops.
"For dare another pole to climb" either a comma or hyphen is needed after "dare"
Although there is no reason given, and it seemed that there was no cause to break up, I liked this poem. A nice rhythm and almost-great rhyme add a polish to this story of the end of a relationship.
A couple of constructive notes for your consideration:
"And what's right don't always feel it." - I don't get this line
A good job on the rhyme exceopt for that one verse with the it/it rhyme. As there is a problem with the line (above), why not try and rewrite it to achieve a better rhyme?
I like your use of the descripters to show us Todd's emotional state. The birds are a good visual and relational aspect, too.
Some constructive comments for your consideration:
Beware of excess words that add nothing to the story. "through the front door to the street, standing on the porch" - the front door is naturally the one that leads to the street
"each other in one particular column of air" - I think too much emphasis is given to the air, than is warranted. It tends to put the reader's focus on the air, not on the birds. I would replace the two words in bold with 'a' to simplify.
Placing a blank line between paragraphs helps the reader and it looks more aesteitcally pleasing. White space, especially on a computer screen, rests the reader's eyes and makes it easier to follow a story.
I particularly love the verse on seashells. The descriptions are terrific and with a touch of humour. The only thing that bothers me about this verse is the repetition of homes/home.
The use of the recurring verse is interesting.
"Underneath the ocean's gentle swells,
Beneath the cascadingcomma crashing surf," - Underneath and beneath are, of course, the same thing. It makes me want to start the second line with 'And', leaving out "beneath" Just a thought...
Overall, I liked the effect of this poem and the images you created left me smiling.
A very clever poem. This is quite unique and fun to read. I read over it several times to feel all the nuances and thoughts captured in your simple, yet profound poem. Great writing.
One small note for your consideration:
"created by not how I act" - switch word order to 'not by'
Aw, a beautiful, touching and sad tale. It all feels quite natural, which is really lovely. This one is great at conveying the bittersweet emotion. Good job.
Some constructive comments for your consideration:
"He was a mess and all spattered with mud from the hose." - even with this addition, there is still a problem. It sounds like the mud is coming out of the hose.
" and bags, heavy bags(,) of potting" - eliminate excess words
A delightful and whimsical story that provides some very beautiful descriptions. Some descriptions I felt were overly wordy and could either be culled or sentences restructured to avoid long run-on's. I love how you've tied in her history with her present, especially in the name of the guesthouse (though it seems a little sad).
Some constructive suggestions for your consideration:
"This gave her that feeling of the dream becoming real; more so than signing documents or attending a closing, more so than the painting or polishing windows, more so than the placement of objects, more so thanthe creating of advertising(comma) or any of the other things she’d done to make it ready." - this sentence builds well, but the "more so" repetition becomes a bit much. The changes I have suggested, I believe, retain the effect of building the picture but without so much repetition that it gets boring.
"She stood back and just looked at it hanging there, still swinging a bit from the action of hanging it." - the reader knows why it's swinging, because of the "still".
"A stranger walking by the bright yellow Victorian house with the white wrap around porch over looking the ocean would have seen a woman of perhaps sixty, dressed in blue jeans and a flannel shirt, shirt tails flapping in the breeze." - a but too much description in one sentence,making it cumbersomely long also. The picture is a nice one but needs a little work.
"Shaking her head at her selfherself, she"
"Sitting down on one of the wooded rockers scattered across the covered expanse of porch" - it's already known that she has gone to the porch, but to retain the reference to its size, I suggest preceding it with 'covered'.
"surrounding what wasis now called Ramapo Lake" - incorrect grammar (even though the story is in past tense, it is correct to say "is now called")
"Over the years(,) her voice(,) comingcame to mean food(,)[.] tThose same two heads would pop up[,] and the same two geese would quickly swim over for the food they knew she’d have." - the construction of this sentence didn't make sense.
"when they would come up to the door and knock on it with their beaks" - passive. Why not, "when they came up to..."
"a life time commitments" - life time of commitments OR life time commitment
"head low instead of high and long"
"wing healed and strengthened by exercise"
"Hi[,] Mom[.] How’s it going?"
"Yes[,] it is! And(!) Wwe are fully"
"three wonderful [--] in spite of everything [--] children," - I have suggested hyphens because of the commas already utilisied, but commas or restructuring are other options.
"Eventually she had givengave up finding the commitment equal toseen as a child of the femaleMomma goose's riskbraving everything and anything to stay with theher mate with the broken wing." - the meaning is a little confused. It's hard to tell with all the formatting ML code, so I hope my suggested changes make sense.
A bittersweet tale. So cute. I would have liked to know more - like details and description on the skiing and the horse riding. How did Busan feel, how was it getting used to those things? Did it create problems or curious looks? And giving some more emotion would be lovely too. How did Busan feel when the princess was away? Did he sleep, or did he sleep dreaming of happier days, or have nightmares about losing her?
A few constructive comments for your consideration:
"LOL" reads as quite jarring and out of place. Suitable for emails and IM's but if you want to use the expression, I would spell it out for a more fluid read.
"Carl and Silvia were there to rescue" - this is the only mention of Silvia in the story and she bears no relationship whatsoever. If she is important, then tell us who she is, or just leave it as Carl being the rescuer.
"and we sit and listen and dream romantic dreams." - repetition. Try rephrasing to freshen this up a little.
I enjoyed your story, it definitely left me wanting to know more about the Princess and her cat.
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I do not normally read horror, but you sold me from the very first paragraph. My vivid imagination had plenty of help to visualise the events, from your extremely descriptive passages. Captivating!
A terrible, heart-racing, magnetic story!
"My heart pulled" - 'pulls' I think would be more appropriate than "pulled"
"of 
angel/again does not rhyme, breaking your pattern. This seems a shame, and for a more polished affect, it would be better to maintain the rhyme scheme or do away with it altogether.
do you mean afraid to cry?
Since the format chosen is to center the text, why not separate out those lines which wrap around. Put the segment after the comma on the next line down for a cleaner, more appealing look. Also, you may wish to bold the title, which is lost given the formatting of the body.
"god" - should be capitalised
"giving and sharing
. (I like positive endings! 
"He was a mess and all spattered 
"This gave her that feeling of the dream becoming real; more so than signing documents or attending a closing, more so than the painting or polishing windows, more 