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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/luminementis
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1,247 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be honest and positive. My Christian faith is an important background factor.
I'm good at...
More interested in the content of what you write than the style. Theological, political, historical, or experiential, or anything that paints a vision of the future especially. A good grammar checker will tell you about spelling and commas.
Favorite Genres
Not entirely sure as I like most stuff. I prefer something with a soul rather than purely secular.
Least Favorite Genres
Anything that fails to look for a way out of the darkness. You can be dark, just don't wallow in it.
Favorite Item Types
I have really liked some of the heartwarming dramas I have read here particularly personal stories. Thought-provoking poems or stories are cool also.
Least Favorite Item Types
I am motivated by truth and authenticity and have little time for stuff that is just an affirmation of the dark side. Also, I hate empty words. I always look for human intelligence.
I will not review...
I mainly review at random and just see what grabs my attention. I hate to mark people low and so will usually skip stuff I do not like unless it gets me riled or if it is interesting for other reasons.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Chris24 . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* We both entered the WDC Short Shots Contest "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest. I have the following comments to offer about "The Vanishing Stars .

*Quill*Reader Experience

A father is sharing time with his daughter beneath the stars pointing them out. But they start to disappear. Then a being falls from the heavens like a shooting star. Thomas and Abigail retreat to their tent hoping to hide from it but it finds them and is shot for its trouble. Then Thomas and Hatu speak later joined by Abigail. Abigail has been given a strange and wonderful power but the terrible creatures of nothingness are storming towards her. Will she be able to rebuke them before it is too late...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

The story is well-written and captivating. The storyline sounded a little like a humanized version of the creation account with Thomas staring as God Almighty and Abigail as wisdom the first of God's works. Wisdom in the biblical account is the architect of creation, preceding it, and is not therefore dependent upon it.

The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works before his deeds of old; Prov 8:22 Before all things but God existed was wisdom.

The big idea here is that the spirit of creation passes through a specially selected member of the natural order. That Hatu represents a race of beings that are the priests of that process. The enemy is the terrible beasts of the dark that threaten to consume all light and life.

It appears to be a terrible risk and indeed reduction of the possible universe that we are all the solipsist products of a child's imagination and memory with only her father to guide her at the crucial moment.

Hatu implied he was the last of his kind but at the end was asking them to come with him to meet The Guides of Sebraxis for training.

I have liked some fantasy though I admit this is not my genre. However, this story borders on blasphemy usurping the role of God and wisdom with that of a mere man and child. I find it theologically blasphemous, scientifically impossible (so improperly categorized), and reductionist and solipsist in its philosophical outlook.

There were also some mechanical errors. The judges for this contest clearly disagree with my appraisal of this piece and awarded you first place. But having read some of their reviews it is clear they do not prioritize content to the extent that I do.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

a pearlescent shimmer shifting from read to blue - a pearlescent shimmer shifting from red to blue

“No.” she said - “No,” she said

blacken - blackened


Thanks for sharing.

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2
2
Review of Witness Chapter 1  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, Silver Fang . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "Witness Chapter 1 via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A man from Houston Texas wakes up on a blue sanded beach under a strange sky in another world. Strange creatures with magical powers and human and animal characteristics populate this place. They appear to be in a war against traitorous insectoid-like rebels. He is rescued by a Tiger man and a unicorn lady who seems to know God speaks with him. She and her unit have been assigned to protect him. But then the full-on insectoid/sand people/ giant assault begins and finally, the man discovers his own true power...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

At first, I thought this was a creative description of the afterlife but then I realized you could die here and so we were talking about some kind of remote planet or alternate dimension. Strange and wonderful creatures populate the exotic and colorful spaces here and there is a war going on between good and evil. It is a war that apparently the man has been gifted to fight and win by Elohim the omnipresent God, who lives on Earth and in this place also.

The name Elohim does not mean Father (That would be Abba). It is the plural of Majesty and is a name for God meaning God.

I liked the way that you pulled your reader into the experience of this place. It seemed too exotic for our language to articulate stretching the mind to comprehend and categorize what it was seeing. The shock of the strange was all too real.

Humans seem to have a special status here and the way your man dispatches the enemy in a brilliant burst of light that shocks his defenders makes that clear. But why has God brought the man here, what is this rebellion about? Why does every creature look different and so strange? You would need a few more chapters to even begin to explain this.

I enjoyed the story but it needs a lot more proofreading.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

You seem to be missing a few commas e.g. Unfortunately I wasn't allowed = Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed

The convention is ... not ....

I cranes my head to look behind me - I crane my head to look behind me

it's next shot = its next shot

slited pupils - slitty pupils

she too hand an animalistic appearance - she too had an animalistic appearance

protecting you til then end of this battle - protecting you til the end of this battle

and there numbers - and their numbers

that seemed ti be rising - that seemed to be rising

Thanks for sharing.

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3
3
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Dr M C Gupta . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "LIFE WITHOUT RELIGION via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

WHEN: Religion provokes conflicts between the faithful and the unfaithful and the followers of one prophet and then another. WHEN: Religion blindly enforces out-of-date rites. THEN it is time to say goodbye to religion.

*Quill*Commentary

All paths do not lead to the same God. One man follows a true prophet and the other a false one. Conflict comes on many levels but spiritual warfare against evil and false religion is a characteristic of true religion. On occasions, wars have been fought for good religious reasons. On occasions, wars have been won by the righteous and also the wicked. The fact of war is not the problem nor that religions might sometimes provoke them. A war against Hitler was a righteous one as would have been one against Stalin. People fight about the things that concern them most and religion is the most profound of reasons. But true religion should teach peacekeeping and peacefulness as the desirable outcome of any conflicts. We do not fight for the sake of fighting but for the higher goal.

Religion is about how man responds to God. Since God is eternal religion will always exist so long as man exists.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

Life will be such a fun! - Life will be such fun!


Thanks for sharing.

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4
4
Review of Fall Time  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Latrinda Hutchinson . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "Fall Time via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Autumn is about football, hoodies, and multicolored leaves. It is about good snacks for a reason and backyard camping.

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

An upbeat poem about Autumn focused on a young person's perspective about Autumn. It is all about the fun to be had. I guess someone else rakes the leaves, prunes the plants, mows the lawns in this scenario.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

The first stanza was 4 lines then the second 6 lines.

Was not sure why Fall Time and Fall Fun needed capitalization on the second word.


Thanks for sharing.

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5
5
Review of Disappearing Act  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Bob'n Around . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I saw "Disappearing Act on the list of Chapter One Contest entries. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The door is only there so that you know how to get in. Jeffery hired Henry Wallace to produce a creative design. What he got was an invisible house with some kind of terror inside the recreation room.

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

So why would someone rich with enough cash to go for a creative house design go for an invisible house? How come Henry Wallace was able to finish his design without Jeffery even being aware of the concept behind it? It seems it fits Jeffery's ambition to live inside a wilderness populated by all his favorite animals and they would never know he was there.

The big idea here of an invisible house that blends in with nature seemed quite creative. It almost sounded plausible when you described it in terms of software-controlled reflective surfaces. But then the obvious problem of birds was dealt with by somehow allowing the bird to fly right through. That sounded completely implausible and would require some kind of manipulation of the phase variance of matter that might well be dangerous to one's health. That said we have the mysteries of the recreation room to unravel which may well be connected with the smart house technology used to cope with birds. One wonders what horrors have been released in there and why it was so necessary to close the door.

The story itself was quite original and raises a lot of possibilities for an extended novel. For instance what exactly has been unlocked with this new phase variance technology, what creatures from what alternate dimensions have been released? How on earth can this situation be contained? If there are no real walls then can the creatures simply fly through the walls? How did they get out of the recreation room and why did the problem start there in the first place?


*Quill*Mechanical issues

more weird - weirder

Jeffery sprang for forward to close the door lose the for


Thanks for sharing.

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6
6
Review of The crypt  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Sumojo . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I saw "The crypt on the list of Chapter One Contest entries. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Dorothy entered the empty cemetery to take some pictures for an art project. She leaves her car and captures the last sunset moments of the graveyard. Satisfied she turns to leave and that is where the story really starts...

*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

You had gates but not the door specified for the competition. You located the story in a cemetery after the funeral guests had left it. The descriptions of the graves and shadows and last moments of the sunshine all worked well as did the feeling of a chill just before the horrors of the night. I liked the fact that Dorthy had a messy car. That just seemed to fit my experience of most arty-farty creative types.

I wondered at how this could be expanded beyond the Chapter One parameters into a full-length novel. If Dorothy is the star then I guess she has to get away and having been bitten will turn into a vampire. Subsequent chapters would then explore her experience of sunlight, bloodthirst maybe new giftings, etc. There was a bit of a sense of deja view with this piece and I wondered if this story had already been told before in a variety of ways. If you kill Dorothy off of course then you need a new star not yet introduced here.

This was well written, but the plot was a little predictable and it did not fit the competition parameters at all. It read like something you wanted to write anyway plonked into whatever competition was open at the time.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

None really


Thanks for sharing.

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7
7
Review of Winter Roses  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Kåre Enga, P.O. 22, Blogville . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I saw "Winter Roses on the list of Chapter One Contest entries. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A doorway in a meadow to another realm where the victims of a blizzard sit waiting, but for what. An old lady brings a gift of roses, her eyes are blind to the ghosts but maybe she sees as she returns as ashes according to her wish.

*Quill*Commentary:

This was beautifully described and kind of spooky. I did not feel like it opened up a novel's worth of questions though. It was a stand-alone story finished with the last sentence.

Also, I had no understanding of why the old lady wanted to abide in a meadow staring at nature for all eternity. The young man seemed also to understand the purpose of the door and was able to open it where others had failed to deposit the ashes. Where did this special ability/sight come from?

I was not sure about how the ghosts could see through a closed door?

Also, the theology of ghosts/spirits hovering around the places where they died seemed a little pagan and unreal to me.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

None


Thanks for sharing.

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8
8
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, AlisonTheWritingGirl . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I saw "Samuel and his Mother's Necklace on the list of Chapter One Contest entries. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The basic plot is that Sammy finds out the news about his mother's death when he was three. His mother wanted him to have a necklace. At the moment the father tells him this news another stranger is standing outside the window watching all this happen. Later Sammy goes to the park with his friend Alison and shares the news of his mother's death. Alison consoles him and then this man approaches her. He likes her. But the next day he attacks her. Alison comes round to Sammy in tears. They end up playing Candy Crush board games and she does a sleepover.


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

There seem to be three chapters here but the competition only asked for one. Also, there appears to be no mention of the door in the park which was the theme of the competition. This would probably be one of the reasons why you did not place.

The first sentence of the first chapter really needs to be a hook to pull the reader in. But here the sentence is too long, has mistakes in it, and is a little confusing.
"Stay in on" is the mistake here.
You say he is now living with his dad in the inn. Then you say they are planning to stay there on vacation.
Also, the sentence is too long for the first sentence with too many clauses.

The point of view from which you are writing needs clarifying as it shifts all over the place. Is this the dad talking and thinking or Sammy or the man outside his window or in the park. If you shift POV then you need to make clearer separations between the different sections.

Why were the police not called when Alison was assaulted in the park?

Why did the man talk to Alison the first day and then attack her the next? How could a young girl in braces escape a full-grown man? Does he want the necklace or is he the guy who killed Sammy's mother and is just determined to kill any females that come into the family's life?

A necklace seemed a strange gift for a boy.

It seems improbable that the man is standing directly outside the window the very moment that the dad shares about Sammy's mother.

That said the basic story about childhood trauma that appears to be an ongoing issue is quite compelling. Is it the necklace or some kind of vendetta? Who is the man in the park and why is he acting so evil?


*Quill*Mechanical issues

heartbroken news - a person can be heartbroken news can be heartbreaking.

7pm, 10pm needs a space so 7 pm for example.

In fact, I would recommend Grammarly or some such tool to check the Grammar here as there are too many errors.


Thanks for sharing.

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9
9
Review of Out for Tea  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Philippe . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "Out for Tea via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Harry Wilson and Lucile Wilson are an easy-going couple without even a hint of hidden hostilities. The author and his wife and boys are the hosts here and the wife is determined to get it right as if the Queen herself were coming to tea. But the guests are late. The reasons appear to be that their easy-going natures just do not really allow for any sense of urgency. Their lives are right there at home with each other and the tasks and actions that take place there. There is no desire to confront or keep external schedules. But then why should someone else invite them to tea?


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This was funny but also infuriating. I acquired German citizenship a few years ago and my inner Deutsche was raging over Harry and Lucile Wilson's lack of punctuality. How they behaved showed no social respect and sometimes a little confrontation is necessary to keep schedules and arrive at events on time. I have to wonder if this couple keeps any appointments or could hold down any kind of job with this mentality. Also, the hosts having made all those efforts are left just twiddling their thumbs waiting for people who never turn up.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

"Well it's just we're waiting for you here for tea." Needs a comma after Well.

no-doubt - remove hyphen

just finish of this bit - off not of


Thanks for sharing.

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10
10
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, pwkom04 . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "This One's For ... via a newsletter. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

For a long list of broken, abused, molested, unloved, poverty-stricken, isolated, uneducated, hated, hungry the message is your troubles will pass and you can learn to love yourself. Lifes true goal is to obtain the gifts of good health, faith, wealth, accomplishment, wisdom, and of course love. Love of self is possible and beautiful


*Quill*Commentary

It was an impressive list of needy and broken people. But then you offer a solution which seemed quite unconvincing to me. Broken people do not know how to love until someone loves them would be my response to this. The best person to love them is God Himself through Christ as He is an unbroken, untainted, and enduring example of love. If we look into a mirror with our own spiritual reflection in it then it will be a cracked mirror that shows us a Picasso-like face that is broken and distorted. But God sees us as we really could be and it is His love that can perfectly restore us, fill those empty spaces, and teach us how to love ourselves and others. Love does not heal if it only looks inwards. Love is personal and requires relationships to be activated in us and to bring its healing power to bear.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

None


Thanks for sharing.

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11
11
Review of The writer in me  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Secretwoman . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "The writer in me via a newsletter. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The writer describes the reasons she writes and her process of continual reviewing. She is always writing and retelling her stories. She writes because otherwise the stories just accumulate in her head and it gets very crowded in there and there is no space left for normal life and living. She started writing early and the stories keep coming. Some of the stories she wrote eraöier have now been rewritten in an entirely different way.

*Quill*Commentary

This personal account of why you write resonated with me. I have been away on a business trip this last week, the wifi was poor in the hotel and work was intense and so I wrote nothing for a whole week. But after a week of continual conversations with new faces and continual interaction with new ideas my head is exploding and I have a need for some serious writing therapy!

I liked the way you described the writing and then rewriting of stories. I have a big story which I wrote in 12 novels before I came to this site. But coming here has shown me all sorts of weaknesses in the way this was written and it needs extensive revision. The idea of retelling the stories and the ways in which those stories are changed by the new act of writing also resonated.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

None.


Thanks for sharing.

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12
12
Review of In His Presence  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Same Ol' Sum1 . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* "In His Presence has something to do with the letter S. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

In beautiful music, in a surge of emotion, in the turning of a gray sky into a blue one we can sense God's presence. It is a touch like a feather, like a soft summer breeze, like a whisper on the edge of sleep. God speaks and we should listen. He is always with us.

*Quill*Commentary

I am really glad I came touring your portfolio today for this raid review on the theme of the letter S. It is your name that earned this visit and because you are on my fan list. You describe prayerful moments of being with God in a manner that only a true and authentic believer can understand. You speak of His presence with joy and a feeling of peace about you that connects us with Him also. I am reminded of moments in my own life when He has felt near and it warms my heart to be so reminded. In the rush of work and family and events, it is all too easy to forget this simple reality at the heart of our faith. That we can simply be with God, sit in His presence, and from the deepest parts of our souls rejoice at that privilege.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Nah!


Thanks for sharing.

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13
13
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Same Ol' Sum1 . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* "Listen To The Silence has something to do with the letter S. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

An exploration of the silence that accompanied important moments.


*Quill*Commentary

Silence is underrated in our society. People fill the void with music or chatter but sometimes the moment or the action trumps any words that could be spoken. You list a large number of these. I know people who misinterpret silence in others and who immediately assume the worst about their thoughts. Sometimes you have to trust that the silence is a good thing filled with love and awe. It is when we stop speaking that we start to hear what others think and those softer sounds of a heartbeat, a lover's breath while they sleep, sobs and raindrops. A whole new world is opened up in the silence of God's presence as we learn to listen to what He speaks.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

This has been reviewed some 25 times already and seems ok by now.


Thanks for sharing.

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14
14
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, One Solitary Voice . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* "Mother Nature and Lessons Learned has something to do with the letter S. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Despite having been frozen a group of Carpenter ants is still alive once the ice defrosts. Both she and he are amazed by this.

*Quill*Commentary

Carpenter ants do not eat wood like termites but are just as dangerous to the structure of a house as they move wood out of the way to create their colonies in the wood. This piece reminded me that a great many houses in the USA are still built of wood. I guess that has to do with plentiful supplies of timber and the relative lack of expense of building with wood. Most houses in Europe are built of concrete and brick and the main holding beams are metal. So insects are not the same kind of issue here.

The story made me think of the story of the three little pigs and the wolf...

But as to the main point of the story, I agree nature is amazingly resilient.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

I would recommend the use of a grammar checking tool for commas and capitalization issues and spelling mistakes.

their - they're

in a puddle of water that were encased in frozen ice - was not were




Thanks for sharing.

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15
15
Review of Spiritual Poetry  
for entry "O My Wretched Soul
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, One Solitary Voice . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* "Spiritual Poetry has something to do with the letter S. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

This is the poem of a sinner. It is the self-reflection of a man who knows that he is not worthy of eternal salvation and is dismayed at the glib ease with which people around him believe they are saved. His soul is wretched and he deserves no mercy.


*Quill*Commentary

This is probably a good description of every human soul but I was not sure about the theology here. If we were self-justifying then we would be doomed as no one is righteous not even one. Justification by faith means accepting with open hands a sacrifice that Jesus has made for us not earning our own way into heaven. Sure Satan was pure and then lost his Heavenly Status but then he was an angel and did not have the same package deal as we do. We can be redeemed and have been by the blood of Christ. This is undeserved grace and mercy. So in the light of what Christ has done for us why should we dwell upon our sins and mourn our unworthiness of eternal life.

There is a second issue here also. If we have confessed Christ and in true repentance given our lives to Him receiving his free gift of mercy can we lose that gift having obtained it? Personally, I believe that nothing can separate us from the love of God and no one can snatch us out of His hands once truly saved. Thus the only real achievement of our lives is to make that commitment to Him and thereby guarantee an eternity in the rich, glorious, endlessly fascinating, fullness of life with Him.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Use of commas needs checking, for example here:

My heart, mind and soul, - My heart, mind, and soul

It is probably easier to remove punctuation from the end of sentences because it is not always clear where the end is. Question marks are OK but the value of full stops and commas at the end of a line in a poem is not clear here and they seem to be in all the wrong places.

You capitalize references to God and his titles but sometimes miss things like lord should be Lord for instance and in this context Son is the title of the second member of the Trinity. You are also variable in calling Him He or sometimes he.

There is no need to capitalize Fleshly

cry’s - cries

being to bold - too

to many times - too

The chooses I’ve made - choices

because they confesses with there mouth - because they confess with their mouth

The wretchedness and filth inside of thee - God is not a man that He should sin




Thanks for sharing.

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16
16
Review of Hey Dad  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Seven Ink . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* "Hey Dad has something to do with the letter S. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

An authentic and personal poem to a missing dad. He apparently died of a brain tumor and was in a coma many years before.


*Quill*Commentary

I seriously loved this. It was authentic with none of those bandied cliches used for effect. It spoke from the heart remembering the unique things that you and your dad share. It was honest about the lack of real affection because of the distance in time but it was making the effort someway somehow to connect to that memory of the lost father. Hope people will do the same for me when they find an old photo. I have a grandfather that I never really knew because he left my grandmother many years before I was born and never kept in contact. I get snippets of his life from other people which make him sound like a really interesting character. I would have loved the chance to sit down with him and hear the story of his life. But he also died many years ago and that chance is lost. I have old photos, buttons from military uniforms, some futuristic artistic sketches, and anecdotes to work with and that is all.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

It was a free verse with variable syllable counts. It was content-driven rather than conforming to any poetical form. As such, I did not notice any issues.


Thanks for sharing.

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17
17
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Soxweaver . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* "Vietnam, a tale of two veterans. has something to do with the letter S. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Two veterans shared different stories about the war. One was rendered deaf by the mortars the other spoke about the infirmary lines for STDs.

*Quill*Commentary

The British did not fight in Vietnam considering it an unwinnable and unprofitable war from the beginning because of the determination of the natives to secure their freedom. They well knew the cost of such insurgencies though they did win won against the communists in Malaya for instance. But that was different as the vast majority of people did not side with the Communists.

Today's soldiers are better looked after but still catch STDs and gain permanent injuries as a result of their service. Like you I thank them for that service. The way that American soldiers returning from Vietnam were often treated was disgraceful they were just doing their duty in terrible circumstances. It was not the soldier's fault that it was an unwinnable war.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

None I spotted.


Thanks for sharing.

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Review of Born to Die  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, sindbad . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* "Born to Die has something to do with the letter S. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A soldier is going back to a war zone. He prepares as if he is going to die there and has a message for each of those he loves. There is no need for tears - he is a soldier born to die.

*Quill*Commentary

The Russians used to send fresh troops into battle against the Nazis without guns. Just run with the rest of them and when a man with a gun is shot take his gun they would say. The indifference to casualties in the human waves they sent over at the enemies meant that millions of Russian soldiers died. In the battle of the Somme in WW1 British troops were ordered to march in line rather than run and were mowed down by the tens of thousands because of the stupidity of their generals and their outdated tactics from other wars. So maybe this was the attitude towards soldiers in the past, But now there are far fewer and they are far better trained. It is a massive loss of investment for the military to lose men. When commanders send troops into battle these days they want their troops to come back and their tactics reflect that. They wear camouflage, use cover and every extra means at their disposal to make that happen. Soldiers are not born to die but to win.

That said there is always a risk in battle and it is a good policy to be ready to face your Maker. I have heard it said that some soldiers lay down their lives before the battle and pray that they get them back at the end. If they survive they offer a prayer of thanks for being given their life back. But their actions in the battle are determined by training not the fear of something they have already willingly sacrificed.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

I was unsure about the capitalization of relations. These were not used as names in context and so should have been in lower case. e.g. Mom, Brother, etc.

Also, why is Born to Die in caps.


Thanks for sharing.

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Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Sumojo . This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* "I don’t want to go back has something to do with the letter S. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

A child does not want to return to school. He is negotiating with his parents and trying to persuade his mum with a list of all the good things that will happen if he is allowed to stay home.

*Quill*Commentary

At the end of the Summer term last year when my children were still not vaccinated we were having these discussions. Going back to school was still not compulsory and my kids knew this. At that time we erred on the side of caution and allowed them to stay home. We had seen no obvious disadvantage in terms of grades with them staying home. But now it is compulsory again as it is I suspect with this child. He offers all his best arguments to his mum but she has no choice but to send him back so the effort is wasted.

It is cool that the child is so aware of what good patterns are and all the good things that he could be doing to help his mum and to be a good student. But so also in this poem is the fear of the other kids who might be bullying him. Obviously, the best thing is to confront his fears and get them in a proper perspective. Bullying can also occur online these days so whether you are physically in school or not does always matter.

Anyway, overall I found this amusing and topical and it flowed well.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Would a kid say mean as a toad?

How many kids go for jogs?


Thanks for sharing.

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20
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Review of FIRST WATCH  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Bradley G. Patterson . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "FIRST WATCH via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Five Crow's nests surround a Sports stadium that has become the Sanctuary. The story takes place in one of these with an interaction between Nita the sharpshooter with the better rifle and Collin. Nita might have been pretty in the old world from before. But she was a hard-ass now.


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Plot, Characters

It is unclear what the threat out there is. Maybe some kind of plague or Zombification. But nothing is allowed in from the outside. They have gone for total lockdown over herd immunity here. I wondered how they dealt with birds and insects and even earthworms.

The characters seemed real enough with Nita jaded by the monotony and the stress of her role and responsibility. I wondered how Collin could be such a rookie if this limited pool of people have been trapped for seven years now?

It is hard to see a resolution in such a fortress mentality. How long will they guard this place, when will they know it is safe to come out into the wider world?

The piece is pregnant with questions as to the nature of the threat, what is being done to resolve it, are there others around the world that are also in Sanctuaries, can they be networked with?

The story is focused on the experience of the soldiers in one of the crow's nests and seemed quite authentic.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

crows nest - genitive form crow's nest

Thanks for sharing.

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21
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Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, DragonBlue . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "Within the Light of Blue-II via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Passageways of dew bedecked with rainbows glimmer and shine in a magical mist. The reader is urged to pass through some quickly. Their mysterious nature includes being both hot and cold, circular and divided by the tides of emotion in the house of many colors.


*Quill*Commentary

This talked of passing through but not of a destination. It talked of the beauty of the passageways and the conflicting swirling colors and emotions that surrounded the reader rather than of any meaning. It describes someone who is trapped inside the moment, in the beauty of the traveler's experience, but it lacks purpose and any kind of past or future. It reminded me of double rainbows I have seen or traveling back home with beautiful sunshine on one side of the road and a raging thunderstorm with blue lightning on the other with a rainbow arch before me. The experience of the travel was such I just wanted it to carry on and did not care when I got home.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

None


Thanks for sharing.

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22
22
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Cappucine . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "the bad shared sandwich via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

An amusing poem about a bad sandwich, an interesting conversation, and maybe something else also. They shared a bad sandwich, did not talk about it afterward. Everything tastes better, out of doors.

*Quill*Commentary

An exquisite description of a very poorly constructed sandwich. Very sensual language is used to describe the interaction with the sandwich with implications that something else happened in the cool skirts of a Moreton Bay fig tree, where he grew a wet mustache and she probed the roof of her mouth, with a thickened, coated tongue.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

You seemed to use English spelling rather than American. So maybe this is located in Moreton Bay Australia? No errors just poetic license.


Thanks for sharing.

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Review of MY FRIEND MARY  
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, dog pack:saving4 premium renew . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I saw "MY FRIEND MARY on the list of Christian Writing Contest entries for June. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

The legally blind author is helped by the kindness of Mary who has moved in with her bringing her children. She is regarded as a gift from God.

*Quill*Commentary

Mary sounds like a special person and it seems that you also were able to help her out by giving her a home. This relationship has mutually benefitted you both. The story reminded me of my grandmother whose world was populated by the people who physically touched her life because she too was blind by 97 years of age.

It is these unsung heroes that nobody else knows about that make the world go round.

Thanks for your story.


*Quill*Mechanical issues

so it is sparkly populated - so it is sparsely populated

my childhood dream o living on a mountain - my childhood dream of living on a mountain


Thanks for sharing.

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24
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Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, T.J.P. . This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received "Till We Have Faces - Psych. analysis via a search for 'Psychology.' This review is a part of a project of plundering the WDC archives reviewing previous writing on this subject. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

This is an exploration of the key personalities in CS Lewis's work "Till we have faces" and how they use the five kinds of power: coercive, reward, legitimate, expert, and referent. Orual is about masks, and concealment of her face and feelings, and the people assume she must therefore be ugly. But she loves her sister Psyche. Apart from that, she is cold and bitter. When Psyche is taken away she complains to the gods.
Psyche (or mind) is beautiful and socially venerated with suspected healing powers. She loves even her half-sister Orual. She is constantly giving, positive and cheerful.
Orual as a queen is respected because she has the referent kind of power partly because she releases slaves. Her sister Redival uses the power that is legitimate because given to her but often for her own agendas. The King her father Trom is an example of coercive power.


*Quill*Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

CS Lewis wrote at a time when the Greeks were still dominant in a world governed by Europeans and European offshoots. Here he retells the story of Cupid and Psyche. Orual moves in this novel from someone who is whining to the gods to a more positive personality in the second half who understands that her own failings motivated her initial accusations. But your focus was on how the different characters used power.

The new globalism is a challenge to Hellenism that informs many of our historical cultural choices. But Lewis wrote in a different age where the Greek's historic cultural dominance was still unquestioned. Here we have Lewis redrafting a Greek myth to add to the collection of tales about the gods and kings they so often describe. The analysis of the different kinds of power is an interesting one and so also tying that into the different characters in CS Lewis's work.

Lewis thought this was his best novel but I must admit I preferred the Narnia Chronicles.

*Quill*Mechanical issues

Some space between paragraphs might have made the piece easier to read and makes it seem less crowded on the page.

dissagree - disagree

encouragment - encouragement

referant - referent


Thanks for sharing.

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25
25
Review by LightinMind
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, xxx. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! *Smile* I received {item:} via a search for 'Psychology.' This review is a part of a project of plundering the WDC archives reviewing previous writing on this subject. I have the following comments to offer.

*Quill*Reader Experience

Man#s eternal quest is for love. The thirst for money gets in the way of that and distorts how we look at life and relationships. Give with your heart and expect miracles.


*Quill*Commentary

That love should triumph over Mammon is a worthy statement to make. But what is love? When I tell my wife of 21 years that I love her she will reply with something like prove it. My philosophy and indeed theology is saturated with talk of love but the link with actions that demonstrate my love for my wife and family is something that is still a work in progress. Love manifests in history or it is abstract and maybe meaningless. Jesus is God and as such He is love but it is as a man that He demonstrates what love means, it is in actions and miracles and giving even unto death that He shows us how much He loves us. Your words read as if love were some kind of impersonal force or abstract disposition but in practice love only means something inside relationships with real people in real literal-historical circumstances. It is a relationship with God, with a wife, with children, and with others. Love always has a context.

There were a lot of irritating small mistakes in this text that disrupted my inner peace *Wink*

*Quill*Mechanical issues

A lot of issues with commas that could be corrected with a free Grammar tool like Grammarly.

I am a young man in early thirties - I am a young man in my early thirties

there are some relationships in our lives which cannot be “bought” - there are some relationships in our lives that cannot be “bought”

I re-discover myself that indeed times are changed - you already said I so myself is unnecessary

What else is there in this small planet other than the sweetest times with our family. - What else is there in this small planet other than the sweetest times with our family?

Time to cheer up and look forward for a great tomorrow. - Time to cheer up and look forward to a great tomorrow.


Thanks for sharing.

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