*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/11
Review Requests: OFF
942 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 13 14 15 16 ... Next
251
251
Review of The Cutting Edge  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I love the thriller/suspense genre, and I'm also a big fan of the story story. Needless to say, this story was right up my alley. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a coherent and meaningful story in few words, but you did a great job here. The story flowed fluidly, and was practically error-free. I didn't see anything to indicate that it was written for a contest, so I assume you chose to keep it short and sweet. I prefer writing shorter stories myself.

A hospital is a perfect setting for a short thriller. It saves you the trouble of going into great detail about the setting, because anyone can imagine what a hospital is like, especially in the dead of night, which was also another nice touch. The way you informed the reader that this is the third instance in which something like this has happened was also well-done. You didn't take up needless space with a long explanation when the small phrase in the third paragraph worked just fine. The ending was terrific, not only revealing that the death was an accident, but also promising that there was more to come. Great job!


My Suggestions: The quick transition from Caroline in the first paragraph to "the person" in the second made it too easy to determine that Caroline and "the person" are one and the same. It made me wonder why you even bothered to try to hide that fact. I think it would be nearly impossible in a story so short to keep the person's identity a secret. I think the story would be better if you would just talk about Caroline instead of "the person" in the second paragraph. After all, I think most of the surprise comes from the reason behind the actions.

In the second paragraph, I would change "the person slows" to "the person slowed" because the rest of the story is in past tense. I would omit "this time" from the third paragraph, because I think it goes without saying that this time is different from the other two. In the last paragraph, rather than have such a rambling first sentence, I would insert a period after "crowd" and start a new sentence with "Once it was determined that she could be of no help, she walked..." In the next sentence, "plastic" is spelled incorrectly.


Overall: Thank you for sharing this story! I really enjoyed it and think it would be even better if you would consider my suggestion about revealing Caroline's identity in the second paragraph. I look forward to reading more of your work!

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
252
252
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, Gary . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: OK, I'll be the first to admit that I was skeptical about this story. First of all, I don't usually enjoy stories written as diary entries. Next, I'm not usually crazy about the sci-fi genre. Finally, I thought the story would be about something that didn't even seem possible. Now, let me admit that I was WRONG! This piece was fantastic. I was drawn in after the first few paragraphs and on the edge of my seat until the very last word. And I must say that it was a perfect ending!

Another thing: I don't know that I have ever rated a story in which I found so many suggested changes higher than a '4'. But none of those suggested changes detract from the story. In fact, I found it hard to bother telling you about them, because I didn't want to take the time away from reading the story. I finally decided it would be a more helpful review for you if I would do so. *Laugh*


*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: I don't think the comma after "Rarely" in the second sentence is needed. In the second paragraph, "dying" is spelled incorrectly. In the fourth paragraph, "affect" should be "effect". (It's spelled correctly in the third paragraph, but used in a different way in the fourth.) Also in that paragraph, I'd change "speeded" to "sped". In the fifth paragraph, "scientist" should be "scientists". I would change this sentence: "But just in case there are, I felt like it was important to offer my description of the truth." to "But just in case there is, I feel like it is important to offer my description of the truth." The sentence before it referred to "anyone", which is why I would change "are" to "is", and the sentence starts out in present tense, so I'd make the rest of it present tense as well. In the next paragraph, "aging" is spelled incorrectly.

Under the Sept. 29 entry, first paragraph, "a lot as" should be "a lot has". In the next paragraph, I would change "afflicted by" to "afflicted with". In the third paragraph, "there're" should be "they're". In the next paragraph, "one my favorite" should be "one of my favorite". In that same paragraph, "relived" should be "relieved". In the next paragraph, "shortness of breathe" should be "shortness of breath".


*ExclaimV* Overall: This piece will make me think twice when I see the commercials about underprivileged families and before I bite into a big juicy steak. This seems like something that really could happen, and it's the perfect way of showing how the solution to one problem could created an even bigger, more widespread problem. Thank you for sharing this terrific story!

SAJ Rainbow City by Whome


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
253
253
Review of Eigth Day  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You pack a lot of feeling and emotions into such a short piece. I like the way this is written as sort of scattered thoughts of the author. While it answers many questions about what the author is thinking and how he feels, it leaves many questions unanswered. What happened during the previous seven days? Who is "she", and how does she play into the way the author feels? Why is the author so distraught? I like the questions left in the mind of the reader and wouldn't change a thing in that regard. Sometimes, it's easier to find meaning in the remaining questions that the answers.

My Suggestions: First of all, in the title, "Eighth" is spelled incorrectly. Near the end, I would change "Live on the past" to "Live in the past." I re-read this several times and can come up with no other suggestions. Changing this piece, adding more explanation or possible insight, would ultimately detract from the piece.

Overall: This was a very good piece. I'm sure that most of us can relate to the feelings of hopelessness that the story conveys. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more!

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
254
254
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I can easily see how this story won the contest. You told a very complete story in few words, and the humorous poem at the end was fantastic! I especially like stories that appear to be based on life experiences, especially the ones where an initial touchy situation has a great outcome. Whether this one was a true story or simply written to appear to be true, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

My Suggestions: I think the story would read more fluidly if the first several paragraphs were made up of more than a few sentences each. In the second paragraph, I would change the comma after "grow up" to the word "and". I also think it would read more fluidly if several commas were added. Particularly, I would insert commas after: "least" in the second paragraph, "forty-two" in the third paragraph, after "small" and after "meaningful" and before and after "in the past" in the fourth paragraph, after "learned" and after "thought" in the fifth paragraph, and after "restaurant" and after "embarrassingly" in the sixth paragraph.

Overall: This is a great story that would be even better with more punctuation. You definitely have a knack for writing short stories, and I can't wait to read more of your work!

A new Simply Positive Reviewers Group Signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
255
255
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: With Thanksgiving quickly approaching, it was the perfect time to read this story. I love the way you turned the prompt into such a heartwarming, inspiring story. I found myself smiling at the end, and I even got that warm, fuzzy feeling at seeing such a happy ending. In a rather short piece, you took the reader through an array of emotions, from doubt, to fear, to resignation and finally to happiness and contentment. Terrific job!

My Suggestions: The story started off a bit slow, and it took me awhile to get "into" it. I would suggest showing how you feel instead of just telling about it...maybe hint at some things that show your panic and/or uncertainty. Also, I would consider giving a bit more information about the girls and their different personalities.

As far as grammatical and mechanical suggestions: In the third paragraph, second sentence, a comma should be inserted after "worker". In the fourth paragraph, "affects" should be "effects" in both instances. In the fifth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "loved" so that "whom they loved" is set off with commas. Also, I would put a comma after "Suddenly" in the last sentence.


Overall: Thank you for sharing this lovely short story. I can easily see this as a series in which you write various stories about the girls and their lives as they grow up and face different challenges. I look forward to reading more of your work!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
256
256
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm OOT™ , and I found your short story by using the random review tool. I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I loved this hilarious little story! This is the perfect example of a catastrophe that can sometimes result when one has the best of intentions. You did a superb job of describing Tracy and Carrie as well as the setting. I could easily imagine poor Tracy's frustration while picking the thorns from his body as well as his determination to finish what he set out to do. The cops were a nice touch, and I was laughing out loud by the time Carrie whacked him.

I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a meaningful and coherent story using only 300 words with prompts, and you made it seem effortless. You also made the three word prompts fit well within the story. Great job.


My Suggestions: In the first paragraph, I would insert a comma after "Halfway up". In the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "in that direction". In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "top". Also, I would consider having Carrie whack him before the cop spoke up. It struck me as a little odd that she would do that after the cops had already caught him. Just a thought.

Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent read! I thoroughly enjoyed it and can't wait to check out more of your work.

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
257
257
Review of Failed Invasion  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm OOT™ , and I found this short story by using the random review tool. I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Ah, what an ironic little story. I know how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using less than 400 words, but you made it seem effortless. The story was interesting and original, and I was anxious to find out what would happen to the 'dragon' and the shifting duo. The ending was terrific, reminding us not to take anything for granted.

The setting and character descriptions were adequate for a futuresque story such as this one. The story held my interest from beginning to end, and the additional characters were well suited for the story. I really enjoyed the read!


My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, "standing on it's" should be "standing on its" since you aren't trying to say "it is". In the same sentence, laundry is spelled incorrectly. In the next paragraph, the comma after "you" should be omitted. In the fourth paragraph, "tiger lily's" should be "tiger lilies" since you're trying to make it plural, not possessive. In the first sentence of the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Then". In the second sentence of the eighth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "opened". A few paragraphs later, the comma after "better" should be omitted.

Overall: Thank you for sharing this short story! I look forward to reading more of your work.

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
258
258
Review of Without You  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: Although this poem is rather short, it is packed with emotion. I'm sure that anyone who has ever loved and lost, for whatever reason, will be able to relate. Your descriptive writing style made it easy to imagine the sadness and frustration that the narrator was feeling. I like the way you made all of the positive things negative: the faded smile, the extinguished light, the muted laughter. You really painted a picture with your words. Good job!

My Suggestions: The comma after "Although" in the first line should be omitted. In the third line, "ounce" should be "once". This really detracted from the poem for me, because I kept wondering why you would be referring to a unit of weight until I realized you meant "once". Also, in the first line, you implied the person was there, but in the third-from-last line, you implied that the person was only there in your heart. This was a but confusing. I would suggest rethinking the first line. Also, in the description, second sentence, "Its" should be "It's".

Overall: This is a good poem that would be much better after a quick edit. Thanks for sharing, and I look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
259
259
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: At first, I didn't think I would like the format of this story, but it worked well. The story was interesting, and I was anxious to see how it would end. The ending did not disappoint! I loved the twist. I'm a sucker for stories with a twist at the end, and this one was perfect!

The title was interesting, and it made me want to read about the train murder. Although the story was rather short, it was complete and interesting. I know how difficult it can be to write a coherent story using few words, but you made it seem effortless here. Good job!


My Suggestions: I would insert periods after every sentence, particularly in the first paragraph, to make the story flow more fluidly. In the seventh line, I would insert a comma after "stranger". In the eighth line, I would insert a period after "seat," and insert "It will" afterward to make another complete sentence. In the fourth sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "could" to "would". In the first sentence of the third paragraph, I would insert a comma after "knife". In the fourth sentence of that paragraph, I would omit the comma after "matter". In the next sentence, "too" is spelled incorrectly, and a comma should be inserted after "soon". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "Soon". in the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "banged". In the next sentence, the comma after "red" should be omitted. The last sentence of that paragraph is a sentence fragment. I would suggest changing it to, "Though he walked away, he would forever be called "one leg," legless until his dying day." In the next sentence, "dear child" should be set off with commas and the comma after "soul" should be omitted, and "ine" should be "one".

Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
260
260
Review of 140  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*


First of all, welcome to WDC! I'm sure you'll love it here. I'm OOT™ , and I would be happy to help you with anything you need. Feel free to email me at any time!

My Thoughts: Although I'm not a big fan of Twitter, I must say that this piece is brilliant! It's lighthearted and humorous, and it's perfectly structured. You have a very original idea here, and you made providing a piece filled with funny tweets seem effortless. The title of each tweet went well with the story, and it appears as though they were well thought out.

I would have to say that my favorite was the "Help Wanted" tweet. It was hilarious, especially for those of us who recognize the band and the song. Great job!


My Suggestions: I didn't see any typographical or grammatical errors, so I'll just point out my thoughts on punctuation. I assume from the title that a tweet is limited to 140 characters, so this is likely useless information. In the first sentence, a space should be inserted between "2" and "am". Under "Projection," I would insert a comma after "bar". Under "Beauty," a comma should be inserted after "imperfection". Under "Entertainer," a comma should be inserted after "Everest". Under "Just Cause," commas should be inserted after "start" and "nothing". Under "Help Wanted," a comma should be inserted after "people". I would omit the comma after "stop it" under "Only Gets Worse."

Overall: I really enjoyed this humorous read, and I can already tell you're going to be a wonderful addition to the WDC community. I look forward to reading more!

An I.N.K.E.D. signature.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
261
261
Review of The mystery  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a great idea for a short story, and the idea is well executed. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using less than 400 words, and you made it seem effortless. Although the story was short, it was complete and concise. You did a great job of describing Martha and her worry regarding what she found during her shopping expedition.

You also did a great job of telling about what it would be like if a child who wished he would immediately grow up got his wish. I like the way you waited until the end of the story to let the reader in on what had actually happened. I can just imagine Martha's horrified thought that someone had stripped and kidnapped a child. I don't think she will enjoy window shopping again in the near future.


My Suggestions: In the first sentence, I would change "in the afternoon" to "that afternoon" to be more concise. In the second sentence, I would insert a comma after "4 p.m." and change "out on shopping" to simply "shopping". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "place" and "hurrying" is spelled incorrectly.

In the beginning of the second paragraph, you imply that she had lost her balance, but you never actually mention it. I would mention that she had lost her balance before talking about her regaining it. In that sentence, "as if belonged" should be "as if they belonged". At the end of the sentence, "9 years" should be "nine years old". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "attire". In the next sentence, "of those were worn" should be "if they had been worn".

In the next paragraph, the comma after "pile" isn't needed. In that same sentence, the comma after "head" should be changed to a period, and "That is when..." should be a new sentence. A couple of sentences later, "abandoned cloths" should be "abandoned clothes". A few sentences later, a comma should be inserted between "her" and "occupied". In the next paragraph, "blood on the cloths" should be "blood on the clothes", and a comma should be inserted after "clothes". In that same sentence, "those appeared as if those were torn away" should be "they appeared as though they had been torn away". In the last sentence of that paragraph, commas should be inserted after "Soon" and "people". In the last sentence of the story "cloths bigger" should be "clothes bigger".


Overall: This is a good short story that would be excellent after a thorough edit. I truly enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
262
262
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: You have a great idea for a story here. I do, however, think you could make it more appealing to the reader. You could begin by making it easier for the reader to relate to Theresa by expanding the first paragraph. How old is she? How long has she been with her fiance? Where does she live? Does she have any family or friends she could turn to? Maybe you could give a little snippet as to why her boss fired her and more information about her boss in general. And/or tell more about the reason her fiance left her. I think this paragraph could rule the reader's decision of whether or not to read on. In that regard, Theresa should have qualities that more readers could relate to. Whether the qualities are admirable, evoke sympathy or make the reader feel she got what she deserved, the goal is to make the reader feel something here.

In the second paragraph, "fling her across the universe" made me wonder. Is this a figure of speech, or did the power actually cause her to end up in a new, unknown place? If so, where? I would tell more about the "new world" in this paragraph. Also, I would be interested in knowing more about Jhem in this paragraph - preferably his looks. After losing her fiance, one would hope that Theresa has met a handsome, charming stranger - preferably with a sense of danger. Tell the reader about it!

The third paragraph is terrific. I like the way you went from Theresa's viewpoint to Jhem's in this one. Although I have many questions after reading this paragraph (does the couple fall in love, etc.), I think the mystery works well, and I wouldn't add or detract from it. I think it's perfect as-is.


My Suggestions: I would change the last two sentences of the first paragraph to past tense to make them parallel to the rest of the synopsis. I would also change the first sentence of the second paragraph to past tense for the same reason. In the third sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "wizard". In the next sentence, I would change "both of their magic" to "of both their magic". In the next sentence, I would insert a comma after "Yet."

Overall: I hope my suggestions make sense and help you. I would be very interested in reading The Warrior Wizard and hope to check out more of your work soon. Thanks for providing this interesting synopsis!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
263
263
Review of On A Texas Dare  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an interesting story exploring the topic of voyeurism. Your choice of first person narrative worked well for this piece. I know from experience how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using 300 words or less, and you did a great job here. You did a good job of describing the narrator in the first paragraph, evidencing his excitement and nervousness at doing something forbidden.

Even though the story references several pictures and video clips, you only described one. I can understand your constraints as you were obviously limiting your word count, but this story could easily be expanded into something longer, describing everything on the memory card.


My Suggestions: "Pictures" is spelled incorrectly in the description. In the first sentence, "by" should be "my", and a comma should be inserted after "sweaty". In the next sentence, "jitters" is spelled incorrectly. A few sentences later, "iphone" should be "iPhone". In that sentence, since the rest of the paragraph is in present tense, "here they were" should be "here they are".

In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "tap". A couple of sentences later, "squirming" is spelled incorrectly. In the following sentence, the comma after "her" should be a semicolon, and "barely" is spelled incorrectly. A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "tugged at her dress". In the next paragraph, "to busy" should be "too busy".


Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a quick edit. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
264
264
Review of Silence is Golden  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a great short story. The concept was interesting and original, and first person narrative was a great choice here. You did a terrific job of keeping the mood mysterious and foreboding throughout and, even though you allowed the reader to breathe a sigh of relief after learning that it was all a dream, the relief was short lived with the discovery that the same thing was happening in reality.

The story's title and description were perfect, and I love the way you came back to them at the end. You provided a great description of the narrator without bogging the story down with unneeded detail and useless facts. I especially like the way you took a concept that was seemingly rather normal and made it ominous and dark. And I also like the way you leave the reader to wonder just what happens to the narrator in the unusually quiet house. Great job!


My Suggestions: In the first sentence of the second paragraph, I would change "use" to "used". In the third sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "hour". In the first sentence of the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "later". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "pajamas". A couple of sentences later, a comma should be inserted after "house". In the next sentence, "floor creak" should be changed to "floor creaks". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "bedroom".

The first three sentences of the third paragraph are written in present tense, but the rest of the story is past tense. I suggest changing those sentences to past tense as well. In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted between "bed" and "because". In the sentence, " but when I tried slipping my leg from under the quilt but couldn’t." I would insert a comma after "quilt" and change "but" to "I". Otherwise, it's not a complete sentence. In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "tried".

A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "The more I struggled". A couple of paragraphs later, "collect my thought" should be "collect my thoughts". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "quilt". In the next paragraph, "come" should be "came". A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "straining". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "fact".


Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent read. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
265
265
Review of Bliss Denied  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This was a terrific poem! I am sure that anyone who is in a friendship with a person they're in love with can relate well to this piece. You did a terrific job of characterizing your feelings for this person while giving the reader a glimpse of just how difficult the unrequited love has been for you. I like the way you switch back and forth from the dream, from your blissful state to tortured reality. It works so well with this poem! Fantastic job!

My Suggestions: In the first line, "I lay" should be "I lie", because "lay" refers to an inanimate object. Also, I had issues with the last line of the first verse. I don't feel that "My life from pain is free" flowed well with the rest of the poem. I think it's because I didn't like "from pain" being in the middle of the line like that, but I understand you did it that way for rhyming purposes. I would suggest changing it to something like, "My life is now pain free."

Overall: I thoroughly enjoyed reading this beautiful poem, and I look forward to checking out more of your work.

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
266
266
Review of My Valantine  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is a great tribute to your wife! I like the way you show how much you care for her while incorporating light humor in the poem. I imagine that your wife would get a chuckle out of this while adequately seeing how much she is appreciated. I like it when writers take a rather serious subject and insert a little humor throughout, and you did a great job here!

My Suggestions: "Valentine" is spelled incorrectly in the title and description. I would change "lawns" to "lawn" in the first line as I assume you have only one lawn. I would also omit the quotation marks at the end of that line. I would insert a comma after "clothes" in the second line and omit the word "And" from the beginning of the third line. In the fourth line, I would insert commas after "meals" and "shopping". The seventh line seemed too long. I would move "I love you rounding up the deer to the end of the previous line. I would insert a comma after "sublime" and another after "listen".In the eleventh line, I would change "pickup" to "pick up". In the next-to-last line, "eye's" should be "eyes".

Overall: Thank you for providing this funny poem. I enjoyed the read, adn I look forward to checking out more of your work!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
267
267
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


First of all, happy account anniversary! I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This was a good, well-written poem. You packed a lot of emotion into such a short piece. It was easy to feel your sadness and despair as a result of the events of September 11. I'm sure that every one of us who lived through those events can relate to this pom. I don't know that I would have classified the poem as inspirational. Tragedy would be my suggestion. I don't see the poem as inspirational since it speaks of nothing but tragedy.

My Suggestions: "Remembrance" is spelled incorrectly in the title. I would insert the word "ever" after "Can I" in the fourth line. I would omit the word "of" in the sixth sentence, as I don't think it's needed, and I think the poem would read more fluidly without it. The last line just didn't work for me. I don't understand how the wind blowing relates to the end of sadness and depression. If you decide to keep the line as-is, the period should be changed to a question mark.

Since the poem was written as a result of the tragedy of September 11, I would suggest expanding the poem a bit to let the reader know the poem is related to that event. I know it's set forth in the description, but I think it should also be in the poem itself.


Overall: Thank you for providing this tragic poem. I enjoyed the read and look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
268
268
Review of Flower of Joy.  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Click to go to the WDC Power Reviewers



I'm OOT™ , and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I loved this poem! Your descriptive writing allowed me to imagine a world without snow, which is definitely what I need right now. I was instantly transported to a world with a spring breeze, warm sunshine and beautiful yellow daffodils. Although the poem ends on a bit of a sad note, that does not take away from the underlying message of the hope and joy that comes with the season.

I particularly liked the line "Would pick fresh love gifts from the land." What a perfect way to characterize the delicate daffodils. I think this poem was terrific from beginning to end!


My Suggestions: I would suggest changing the last line of the first verse from "Daffodils: Chosen for my room." to "Daffodils chosen for my room." The colon didn't work for me, and I think it affected the poem's fluidity. I have no other suggestions. I think the poem was nearly perfect.

Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent poem. I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
269
269
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, sunnystarr. I am honored to review your blog as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: I had already read quite a few of these entries when I participated in the 30 Day Blogging Challenge, but I realized I never reviewed the blog. So, I caught up on the entries I had missed, and here I am. *Smile*

First of all, I think the image at the beginning of the blog is well suited to your sunny, outgoing personality. I love your concise and to-the-point writing style. You give your honest opinion without rambling in order to take up space. While you don't post entries every day, you manage to keep this blog up to date while also posting in your other blogs.

Your honesty and generosity makes it appear that you wear your heart on your sleeve, and it's good to sometimes get to see your tougher side in your blog entries. And I especially like the fact that you and I tend to agree on so many things in our entries. As we often say, great minds think alike. *Wink*


*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: I can only suggest that you keep posting and do so more often. I can't fault you for sporadic entries, because I noticed earlier today that it has been 18 days since I have posted in my blog.

*ExclaimV* Overall: Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts in this lovely blog. I always love catching up with you and getting your take on the sometimes controversial topics.

Group Signature Part of Your Shower from Showering Acts of Joy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
270
270
Review of Someone  
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, sunnystarr. I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: Wow! This was a terrific story. I think teenagers who exhibit suicidal tendencies should be required to read this piece. You decribe a character who could be any typical teenage girl and then tell the story about her taking her own life. It is so common for girls that age to claim that nobody cares about them or understands them, and this story should serve as a wake-up call to the parents who don't take the time to talk to and reassure such girls.

Your story is well thought out, and it tells about what could happen in such situation in a way that any reader could understand and relate to. Great job!


*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, I would insert a comma after "pretty". In that paragraph, I would change the commas after "think so" and "friends" to periods to make it three different sentences. I would also change "drop" to "dropped" in that paragraph. I would separate the next paragraph into sentences as well, as it would read more fluidly than the current long sentence. "Freckles" is spelled incorrectly in that paragraph. In the fifth paragraph, I would insert a comma after "day out".

In the sixth paragraph, starting with the third sentence, you go from past tense to present tense. I would change it to past tense to make it parallel to the rest of the story. In that sentence, "await" should be "awake". In the next paragraph, "kneels" should be "knelt". In that paragraph, "gasps" should be "gasped" and "parents" should be "parents'" In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "says" should be "said". Two sentences later, "look" should be "looked".


*ExclaimV* Overall: This is a great story that would be even better after a quick edit. Thank you for providing this thought provoking read. I look forward to reading more!

Part of Your Shower Review Signature/Flower Petals


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
271
271
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, A*30s*Faith . I am honored to review yet another of your short stories as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: Oh, wow! This was a great story. I like the way you told the story from the taxi driver's point of view. It worked very well. Although the story was rather short, it was complete. I was captivated when the girl got into the cab, and by the end of the story, I was on the edge of my seat, anxious to find out just what exactly was going on. Although I wouldn't normally like a story that leave the reader hanging, it worked for this piece.

I could easily see you either writing another story about Ana or even further developing this story. I like your writing style and think you did a great job of writing the action scenes in such a way that the reader just can't stop! Excellent job.


*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: My first suggestion would be to change the story's description. I would note the prompt information at the end of the story and use the description to tell the reader what the story is about.

In the second sentence, I would change "small towns'" to "small town's" since you're only referring to one town. I would insert a comma after "hangout" in the fifth sentence. I would change the comma after "eyes" in the last sentence to a period and start a new sentence with "As a..." I would also insert a comma after "bachelor". In the third paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Even in a small town like this". In that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "refused her". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "right thing". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "gullible". In the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "In less than a minute". Same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "between his teeth". In the last sentence of that paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "him".

A couple of paragraphs later, the would "though" should be set off with commas. A few paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "under my breath". In the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "furrowed any more". In the next paragraph, "targets" should be "target's" since you're attempting to show possession. In that same paragraph, "Instinctually" should be "Instinctively" and a comma should be inserted after the word.


*ExclaimV* Overall: This is a good story that would be even better after a thorough edit for punctuation. Thank you for providing this great read. I look forward to checking out more of your work!

Review Signature for Shower Reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
272
272
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, A*30s*Faith . I am honored to review another of your short stories as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: I see from the bold words that this story was written using prompts, and I must say you did a terrific job! Using few words, you provided great character descriptions of Melissa and Amy, adequately described the setting and wrote a great story. I love stories in the mystery/horror genre and would strongly suggest that you change the story type to one of those. It was the perfect tale to leave the reader feeling unsettled at the end.

I loved the little twist at the end. I think, however, that it might have been more effective had Amy seen the newspaper instead. After all, even though the article said there were more on the loose, it shouldn't have come as much of a surprise to Melissa that there was a story about it since she actually ran into on of the killer dogs. Amy, on the other hand, would have been very surprised by the story, because she didn't believe Melissa's tale. Just a thought.


*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the second paragraph, I would change "They're in the shop" to "My other pair is in the shop" since Melissa is responding to the question "what's up with the new glasses?" In the third paragraph, "lens" is spelled incorrectly. You need to close the quotes after "What do you mean almost died? I would change "looked around whole time" to "looked around the whole time". A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "I didn't want to go back". A couple of paragraphs later, "Amys' eyes" should be "Amy's eyes". "its' gaze" should be "its gaze". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Startled".

*ExclaimV* Overall: Thank you for providing this excellent read. I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work!

Part of Your Shower Review Signature/Flower Petals


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
273
273
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, C.D.Renteria ! Thank you for requesting that I review "The Evolution of Consciousness. I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: I just finished reading the first chapter, and I really enjoyed it. I wrote the suggestions as I read and came back to write this, so I might address things that are also addressed in the suggestions.

The story was great. Although it isn't the type of story I would normally go for, I found myself becoming more and more interested as the story went on. You did a great job of describing Casey as well as the setting and scenery of the story. I had a problem with the use of "I" throughout the story. From the first paragraph, I assumed that "the Bastard of Haven" was Casey. Was I wrong in assuming that? If so, I suggest that you make it more clear that the Bastard of Haven and Casey are different people. Or if they are the same person, then I suggest you make it more clear who "I" is when you make that reference throughout the story.

In looking back at the beginning of the story and the note you sent with the review request, I see that you wrote the story with a character-narrator. I do think that's a good idea, but you didn't make it sufficiently clear. Is the first paragraph merely a description of the setting rather than an actual part of the story? That makes more sense, but I would suggest you italicize it or something to clue the reader in.

I like the way Casey is undergoing so many conflicts in the story - fear for his brother, distrust of his companions - there are a lot of potential conflicts, and it made me look forward to continuing to read to find out just what is going to happen to him. As to the Bastard of Haven, if it isn't Casey, I think a lot more character development needs to be done - who exactly is he? what is is purpose? is he invisible? Just some thoughts.


My Suggestions: At the beginning, when you are describing the characters, under "Victoria", the word "lengths" is spelled incorrectly. In the first sentence I would insert a period after "room" and start a new sentence with "A red light..." In that same sentence, "reflected of" should be "reflected off". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "corner". I would change "where the smoke permeated from" to "from where the smoke permeated" to avoid ending the sentence with a preposition. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, "breath" is spelled incorrectly.

In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "slopes". In the first sentence of the sixth paragraph, "you're" should be "your" since you're not using it as a contraction for "you are". The same thing two paragraphs later - "You're life" should be "Your life" and "you're brother" should be "your brother". Also in that paragraph, did you mean "on the shelf" instead of "on the self"? A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "The more he thought about it".

In the twelfth paragraph, I would change the comma after "building" to a period and start a new sentence with "He slipped..." In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "had saw" should be "had seen". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "half dead".

Later in the story, when talking about the weapon, you say "I felt my essence prickle..." Who is "I"? It must not be Casey, since he is referred to throughout as Casey. Is the narrator also a character in the story? If so, I would suggest giving a better introduction, preferably earlier in the story. This was very confusing for me. A few paragraphs later, I would change "make out distinctly" to "distinctly make out".

In the last sentence of the first paragraph of the second part of the story, I would set "although it scared him" off with commas. In the last sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Lastly". A couple of paragraphs later, "where the lies where" should be "where the lies were". In the sentence "I hadn’t noticed how close I had drew to him but I couldn’t resist." I'm again confused about who "I" is, and "had drew" should be "had drawn". A couple of paragraphs later, "as a second thought" should be set off with commas. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "stairs".

In the paragraph beginning, "In a flurry of movement" a comma should be inserted after "movement". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "tensed". A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "From behind". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "fresh air".


Overall: I think you have a fantastic idea for a book here, and I think it would be even better after more character development for the first person referenced in the story and an edit for clarity. I look forward to reading more!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
274
274
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*UmbrellaP* Hi, A*30s*Faith . I am honored to review your short story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. *UmbrellaP*

*ExclaimB* My Thoughts: You took five seemingly unrelated things and wrote a terrific and interesting short story. Your idea was original, and you made the incorporation of the various prompts seem effortless. I know how difficult it can be to write a complete and coherent story using prompts and a limited word count, and you did a great job here!

I think first person narrative worked well with this story. You were able to answer all of a reader's potential questions through the use of dialogue and narration of events. I was wondering what sex the narrator was, and you made it clear it was a female in the scene in the diner with the celebrity. I love the way the story ended with the narrator reassessing her career path as a result of her recent success in defending herself. Excellent!


*ExclaimR* My Suggestions: In the third sentence of the first paragraph, I would set "then again" off with commas. In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Regrettably". In the third paragraph, I would change "saunters" to "sauntered" since the rest of the story is told in past tense. In that same paragraph, I would set "as MMA greats go" off with commas. In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "drink order". I would change the period after "appraisingly" to a comma. Otherwise, the last sentence is a sentence fragment. In the first sentence of the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "enough". In the last sentence of the sixth paragraph, "jerks" should be "jerk's" since you're attempting to show possession. In the last paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "imminent future".

*ExclaimV* Overall: This is a great short story. I really enjoyed the read, and I look forward to checking out more of your work!

Group Signature Part of Your Shower from Showering Acts of Joy


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
275
275
Review by OOT™
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am reading and reviewing entries in "The Christian Writing Contest, and I'm honored to review your work.

My Thoughts: This is an informative and thoughtful piece. You did a good job of conveying what the parable means to you and giving reasons for the same. You also gave adequate reasons as to why some decide not to follow God's word and wrapped it up nicely at the end by giving personal reasons as to why you decided to do so, and provided encouragement for others to do the same.

I think this piece would work better in story form. You have some terrific ideas and, while I understand the reason you wrote this the way you did, I think it would be much more appealing in sentence/paragraph form. You have some wonderful thoughts and ideas. Highlight them!


My Suggestions: I would insert periods at the end of sentences. I would also omit some of the ellipses. I think so many of them take away from the credibility of the piece. In the third paragraph, "Your too serious" should be "You're too serious" and a period should be inserted at the end of the sentence. In that same paragraph, "believe" is spelled incorrectly. In the fourth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Yes". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "life". In the fifth paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Well". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "pay". In the sixth paragraph, a comma should be inserted in the first sentence after the word "Lord" In that same paragraph, "person am today" should be "person I am today". In the next sentence, i would set the word "Lord" off with commas. In the next paragraph, I would capitalize "Christian" and insert a hyphen between "thirty" and "two". I would also insert the word "it" after "regretted". In the last paragraph, I would insert a comma after "babies". And your husband of forty years did what? That sentence is incomplete. When you're listing items in that paragraph such as cabbage leaves, carrots..., commas should be inserted between the items. Same goes for boiled potatoes, cabbage, carrots..."Discard" is spelled incorrectly. "takes us too it" should be "takes us to it".

Overall: Thank you for providing this informative read. I really enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your work!

** Image ID #1594066 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
536 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 22 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/outoftouch/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/11