|Hi, C.D.Renteria ! Thank you for requesting that I review "The Evolution of Consciousness" . I'm honored to review your work.
My Thoughts: I just finished reading the first chapter, and I really enjoyed it. I wrote the suggestions as I read and came back to write this, so I might address things that are also addressed in the suggestions.
The story was great. Although it isn't the type of story I would normally go for, I found myself becoming more and more interested as the story went on. You did a great job of describing Casey as well as the setting and scenery of the story. I had a problem with the use of "I" throughout the story. From the first paragraph, I assumed that "the Bastard of Haven" was Casey. Was I wrong in assuming that? If so, I suggest that you make it more clear that the Bastard of Haven and Casey are different people. Or if they are the same person, then I suggest you make it more clear who "I" is when you make that reference throughout the story.
In looking back at the beginning of the story and the note you sent with the review request, I see that you wrote the story with a character-narrator. I do think that's a good idea, but you didn't make it sufficiently clear. Is the first paragraph merely a description of the setting rather than an actual part of the story? That makes more sense, but I would suggest you italicize it or something to clue the reader in.
I like the way Casey is undergoing so many conflicts in the story - fear for his brother, distrust of his companions - there are a lot of potential conflicts, and it made me look forward to continuing to read to find out just what is going to happen to him. As to the Bastard of Haven, if it isn't Casey, I think a lot more character development needs to be done - who exactly is he? what is is purpose? is he invisible? Just some thoughts.
My Suggestions: At the beginning, when you are describing the characters, under "Victoria", the word "lengths" is spelled incorrectly. In the first sentence I would insert a period after "room" and start a new sentence with "A red light..." In that same sentence, "reflected of" should be "reflected off". In the next sentence, a comma should be inserted after "corner". I would change "where the smoke permeated from" to "from where the smoke permeated" to avoid ending the sentence with a preposition. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, "breath" is spelled incorrectly.
In the first sentence of the second paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "slopes". In the first sentence of the sixth paragraph, "you're" should be "your" since you're not using it as a contraction for "you are". The same thing two paragraphs later - "You're life" should be "Your life" and "you're brother" should be "your brother". Also in that paragraph, did you mean "on the shelf" instead of "on the self"? A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "The more he thought about it".
In the twelfth paragraph, I would change the comma after "building" to a period and start a new sentence with "He slipped..." In the first sentence of the next paragraph, "had saw" should be "had seen". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "half dead".
Later in the story, when talking about the weapon, you say "I felt my essence prickle..." Who is "I"? It must not be Casey, since he is referred to throughout as Casey. Is the narrator also a character in the story? If so, I would suggest giving a better introduction, preferably earlier in the story. This was very confusing for me. A few paragraphs later, I would change "make out distinctly" to "distinctly make out".
In the last sentence of the first paragraph of the second part of the story, I would set "although it scared him" off with commas. In the last sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "Lastly". A couple of paragraphs later, "where the lies where" should be "where the lies were". In the sentence "I hadn’t noticed how close I had drew to him but I couldn’t resist." I'm again confused about who "I" is, and "had drew" should be "had drawn". A couple of paragraphs later, "as a second thought" should be set off with commas. In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "stairs".
In the paragraph beginning, "In a flurry of movement" a comma should be inserted after "movement". In that same paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "tensed". A couple of paragraphs later, a comma should be inserted after "From behind". In the first sentence of the next paragraph, a comma should be inserted after "fresh air".
Overall: I think you have a fantastic idea for a book here, and I think it would be even better after more character development for the first person referenced in the story and an edit for clarity. I look forward to reading more!
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