|I enjoyed the interesting twist. I like the idea of someone being able to borrow someone else's body in order to help the person in life. This could have been a real horror story if you wanted it to be. Also makes you want to know if Julie is the only person who can do this (which gives you the possibility of expanding the story). You also might try reading your story out loud, pausing for one beat where you have commas and pausing for two beats where you have periods. This will help with completing sentences.
**I have marked possible comma problems. I use Grammarly and it has marked the spots I have designated. I have found it may be in error.
The Short Term Loan
**It’s = It is
Its = shows possession
I have added a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestive changes
Hi, I'm David and I'll just use Welton for my last name in this story. Mornings had always been bad for me and this one was lousy.(add space) I awoke abruptly and rolled over in the bed, I was just a bit disoriented because it wasn't my bed. My GOD... I thought but couldn't remember, (if you take my suggestion, add caps to -D) did I go to a party or clubbing. (question mark not a period) As I sat up “Oh man,” a headache began throbbing through my head like the proverbial 5th battalion in an old war movie. (nice and unusual reference) A little white clock by a window said it was 7 AM. I heard movement below me, and the scent of what smelled like breakfast.
(new paragraph) Her room was like something out of a fancy exotic travel magazine. White walls, matching desk, bed with canopy (comma) and end tables. The few clouds in the bright sky beyond the windows must have moved along as the room brightened bending my thoughts to it being more a heavenly space. But, as nature had begun to call began calling I noticed a bathroom across a hall and I needed to go. I must have over done (one word) it last night, I thought. But, I couldn’t recall coming here, and who the hell was downstairs. (question mark not a period) I was still a bit groggy and coddled the conclusion, of course, the women (-an not -en because it is singular) the night was spent with was cooking for me. Another light sea breeze flowed gently through the rooms again. The air was warm.
(new paragraph) Walking across to the toilet, the bowl sat just inside the door, I sat down to take a dump which was fine till the action itself felt a bit strange and even sounded funny. I started to check myself when, (no comma, lowercase on -a) A voice called up the stairs, (not a new paragraph) “Hey (comma) babe you better hurry the boat will be here soon.”
A, A man! A man? Babe!? Oh man, a chilling realization that something was really wrong. (comma) slid up my backbone (added to finish sentence) There's a man downstairs, (period not a comma) Hopping off the bowl I stood not knowing how to answer. (The original way you have this sentence is incomplete) A barrage of questions and revelations began all at once. What?, (no comma) Where?, (no comma, caps on -A) a boat? How, the hell? I didn't recall the voice, But, (lowercase on -b) he knew me? (period not a question mark) How did he know me? Then I noticed I had on pajamas, which I don’t wear... And then my heart sank, (lowercase on -and, period not a comma) What did I do last night? Slept, with a man? A sickening feeling grew in me, then leaning over the bowl, Black (lower case on -b) hair fell down the sides of my face. What the..? I looked into the mirror to see, her, dark wide eyed, (hyphenated) open mouthed (hyphenated) she, me, stood staring back at me. I couldn’t catch my breath. Had I gone crazy?, (no comma) Closing my eyes and whispering to my self. (one word) I’m David, David, David Welton, 723 Jostling Rd. I’m a construction worker, I work a rig in St Louis, I have two brothers John, and Bill, Mom’s name is Carroll and Dad is Ben. I’m a guy. I’ve always been a guy, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes then wishfully opened my eyes, (period not a comma) She was still there looking back shocked.
“Julie you’re going to be late.”
Footsteps were now on the stairs. He was coming. No, this was insane I thought. Shuffling about in the cramped bathroom was awkward. My hips kept bumping into things. I was, trapped in a woman’s body. He came in the door. It was the first time I felt afraid. That just wasn’t me. Then calmly he spoke, (not a new paragraph) “Humm, I see... Don't worry whoever you are, your experience will be over soon.” Then he calmly went back down the stairs inviting me to follow.
There was a long pause on my part as I digested the meaning. (not new paragraph) "What did he say?"
Her His voice was unfamiliar to me. I followed him into the brightly lit and open kitchen below as he Plainly (lower case on -p) and un-apologetically said, (no new paragraph)"Relax, you're safe here, Julie, the person who's whose body you're in, must have needed your body for today." (remove quote marks) So you can relax. You’ll be back in yours soon.”
"What?" (not a new paragraph) Questions began flowing through my head, along with a rising tsunami of anger. (opening quotemarks)You know, what's happened to me? You know who did this? (closing quotemarks) (You have him answering the questions in the next paragraph, so David must have said them allowed)
He stood there, smiling (comma) and said, "Well, yeah, and if you'd relax I’ll explain."
(new paragraph) Looking down at my self, (one word) then him, I bolted at him. I didn’t want any explanation, I wanted to beat his brains in. (comma not a period, lowercase on -b) But he handled me like a pile of twigs. I had lost all my strength. I was stunned, frightened and pissed yelling, “Change me back, Change me back now!”
Leading He led me over to a couch in the living room. (If you leave the original words, the sentence is not complete)
“How could you do this to me? And stop calling me Julie”, (period inside the quote marks, no comma) I started tearing.
Clamping down on my arms, he began to explain. (not new paragraph) "First of all, I’m almost a as shocked as you, well only in that she didn’t tell me she was doing this again.” (not new paragraph) Then, pausing with a questioning look, "You're a man, right?"
Staring hard at him, (not new paragraph)“Yeah, inside this body.”
“I figured as much, girls try to fake it. They get as far as outside then realize they have no idea where they are and come in to figure it out. (lowercase on -b) But, guys... Well look here, Julie does this changing thing, like you and I change underwear. But, she’s never hurt anyone so relax. It (‘s) just a new experience for you for a day or so.”
Calming a bit I asked, “Where are we anyway?”, (no comma) I asked.
Letting me go and returning to the kitchen he said, “Cheval Island." He pointed to a distant shore line, (one word) "That’s Madagascar.”
As he spoke I looked out to the sea through all the windows. "Africa?" (remove quote marks) No way? (closing quotes) I thought, (period not a comma) This is a dream. Then returning he poked me as if reading my mind, (period not a comma)
“No, its (apostrophe s) not a dream.”
As I looked around. (no period, lowercase on -t) There was a double toot of a fog horn just off shore. (one word) He stopped rambling to raise it on his cell phone telling it's (no apostrophe) captain he won’t be needed. He then, (no comma) tried to explain that Julie having been born with this ability uses it to change things and peoples (apostrophe s) live (add -s) for the better.
(new paragraph) I was still angry, I felt worst than violated. I’ve been removed from my life and place (add -d) in a prison I could never escape if anything went wrong. So, I stopped for a moment and settled into my new reality. And asked. “So what do we do now, till she gets back?”
There was a long pause. (not a new paragraph) “You play poker?”
And, that was how we spent the day. (colon not a period, lower case on -p) Poker, the beach, fine wines, movies (comma) and food. Then as night fell I became quickly and uncontrollably sleepy. I remember only passing out. Next, I was home in bed, bearded, dirty (comma) and all. An no (caps on N) one even remembers seeing me or what I did or where I went that whole day. A week later I received notice from my bank that I'd received twenty-seven thousand dollars from an anonymous source (comma, lowercase on -a) An (you can also replace An with -the) exact amount able to cover all my current debts with interest.