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1
1
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Challenge Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nicely done. I am seeing shades of “Pride and Pregeous” in your writing. You have established a hate-to-love relationship. I like that you have not gone over the top, trying to explain some outlandish dance in an alien world. The reader can feel comfortable just reading along and finding where the story is going.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions

***Quite possibly, this is one of the ugliest men I have ever met, (I tend to put thoughts either in quotes or in italics. There is a wide range of possibilities throughout the writing world on this though) Kayla Karson thought to herself.
***With his holo-star looks, (Not really sure about this phrasing. I did think about it though, and came up with the possibility you are saying a holographic drawing of what the “perfect” man would look like.) athletic build, and sizable bank account, there were few—if any—women, human or otherwise, who would not want to be seen on the arm of this young man. If it were purely physical, there wouldn’t be a problem Kayla thought. (you could delete the “Kayla thought” because the reader, I think, would already know this, making the two words redundant)
***She felt like she needed a shower after shaking his hand. (I like this sentence. Drives her feelings home.)
***(this should be a new paragraph because you are switching from one character's point of view to another) “Mister Karson, your daughter is truly a spectacular beauty. As fine a vision of femininity as there ever was.”
*** “Graduated salutatorian (Caps on -S, since you are talking about the name of an honor.) from the university last year.”
***“Excellent idea, Sir,” Jeremond beamed, and the false cheerfulness caused Kayla’s stomach to flip once more. Before she could do any more than shoot a brief, pleading look at her father, the arrogant piece of meat led her into the midst of the multi-hued, twirling bodies. (not a new paragraph) His cologne was overpowering and she felt herself growing lightheaded. He must use this the swill to get women to do his bidding.
***Chatty as he had been around her father, he now made little attempt at conversation and Kayla decided that he preferred—and was used to—having his women quiet, preferring to puff himself up and show off whatever little strumpet (nice word) happened to be hanging from his arm at the time.
***“Just how lucky can my big brother be than to win the affections (remove the -s, affection can be singular or plural. Adding an -s would mean you were talking about more than one person having the feelings.) of a beautiful woman who also happens to be the daughter of the Harkonian Emperor?” Kayla sighed.
*** “Slow down, little sister,” Matthew said, quick to recover and resuming resume their dance before the next spinning couple smashed into them.
***“An absolute ass!” She (lowercase on the -s) finished, drawing quiet laughter from her brother.
*** He pulled her into an embrace, which she was all-too-willing (not hyphenated) to return. Matthew always made her feel safe, even when he was driving her crazy. “I love you, Bro.”
***“Same here, Kid,” he replied. “Let’s just try to enjoy ourselves. May I ask the honor of reserving the remaining spots on your dance card for the evening?” (I can see this not happening. Either Jer will intervene or her father will put a stop to it.


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2
2
Review of Prahlada  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Challenge Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Interesting. I will admit I looked up some of the names. Writing about the stories in the old manuscripts of the world is a fantastic thing to do. We are taught lessons by old writings. Thank you for sharing this tale.

I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions

***Hiranyakasipu, the asura king, was extremely unhappy with his six-year old (hyphen between year and old) son, Prahlada.
***Hiranyakasipu desired for (remove the -d from desired or remove the word “for”) eternal life and as a means to achieve it (comma) he went on a long and arduous penance. Pleased with his devotion, Brahma, his beloved Lord of the cosmos, (possible caps on -C, if this is a proper name) whose favor he sought, appeared before him.
***“O Lord of the universe! Grant me the benediction that I do not die within or outside my residence, during day or night, neither on the ground nor in the sky. … Bless me Sire and do not let me die at the hands of any entity living or nonliving, a demon, a demigod (comma) or a great snake of the netherworld.
***They lived a secure life under his merciful guidance till (I think this word should be -until) Hiranyakasipu returned from the forest armed with divine powers and took them back to his palace.
***The sage Narada was ever engaged in holy oblations and the chanting of mantras in worship of lord (caps on -L) Vishnu, of the holy triumvirate, Brahma-Vishnu-Maheshwara, responsible for creation, maintenance (comma) and destruction respectively.
***Then began an era of plunder, massacre (comma) and bloodshed throughout the world and even beyond, spearheaded by the Hiranyakasipu. All the sages and worshipers of Lord Vishnu were identified, tortured (comma) and killed. Religious persecution continued unabated for a long time.
*** He emerged from all his trials fresh, happy (comma) and blissful. He knew and believed in Vishnu’s mystical power.
*** It was twilight, (no comma) when it was neither day nor night. He was killed on the threshold, which was neither inside nor outside the palace.
***He used his long and terrible claws, not a human weapon, and disemboweled and killed the asura, thus ending an era of fear, sin (comma) and disorderliness.

This review was done in conjunction with "An I Challenge ... Clue" contest requirement.


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3
3
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh my, I love this story. I am a firm believer we go around several times in this world. Your setup for the story is perfect. You were able to give hints without making any of them “red herrings” which is not always easy.

I think a couple of your paragraph markers may be off. I copy info to a word doc and it doesn’t always tell me correctly what is going on.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions

*** In this deserted landscape (comma) the only signs of life were the seabirds hovering over the waves searching for food, their calls barely discernible above the roar of the surf.
***A 1985 Ford Ranger utility appeared on the horizon and slowly, carefully made its way down through the whispering sand. The wide tyres (possible spelling error depending on where you live in the world) kept a firm grip, (period not a comma, caps on -E) eventually (comma) the vehicle came to a halt at the bottom of the dunes…. With her eyes closed (comma) she held her beautiful face to the sun before opening the tailgate and setting up her solitary campsite.
***The slim figure ran down toward the sea, a red surfboard tucked under her arm.
***Pulling on jeans and a sweatshirt, she busied herself lighting a campfire and starting a simple supper.
(I would put some sort of scene break marker here, ex <>=====<>=====<>)
Shades of light crept into the blue dome tent; indicating day-break.
***(new paragraph, since you switched characters) She took his proffered hand with no intentions (my writing program is suggesting you drop the -s) of making him feel welcome, but a sudden jolt of recognition and a sense of connection with this person overwhelmed her the moment she felt the touch of his hand on hers.
***The woman at the tourist information place, (no comma) told me no one usually comes here.”
*** Anyway I won’t bother you,” he said, pointing to a spot a few hundred yards up the beach, “I’ll camp up near the rocks.”
(I would put some sort of scene break marker here, ex <>=====<>=====<>)
Several days had passed since Ryan’s arrival.
***Serena quickly stripped off her tee shirt and made a tourniquet to stop the flow.
(I would put some sort of scene break marker here, ex <>=====<>=====<>)
Opening his eyes into the blue light of her tent, he felt firm arms holding him.
***A smile passed her lips, a smile he retuned (spelling) with one of recognition.
***She, is just a girl on vacation from a far away (one word) land. Yet their eyes had met and both realised in an instant it wasn’t their first encounter.


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4
4
Review of If I forget...  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It is difficult to give a detailed review of such a short piece. I will say, though, you have packed a lot of emotion into very few words. I came out of the piece thinking Alzheimers is the medical prognosis. I have friends who have needed to deal with this illness. The final outcome is just your body forgets how to work.

I am terribly sorry if this is a true work.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Book of Jeff  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I also was not much of a Tom Petty fan. I was more into show tunes and what would be called “high-brow” music. It is such a shame many of the top performers over the years ended up having to over indulge in one thing or another, just to keep their energy up. Having to do that “one last swing around America” has sorely taken its toll. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I only found a few errors which I have listed below:
***Tom Petty is one of those artists that I can call up on Spotify and just randomize a playlist of all his tracks and listen to it for hours before I get into the lesser known (hyphenated) stuff. And so many of his songs are just laid back, (hyphenated) toe-tapping songs that I bet his concerts were really fun to go to. Not all spectacle and high energy and cranked up (hyphenated) the volume, but something you could take a picnic basket and some drinks to and enjoy listening to in the open fall air of an afternoon at the Hollywood Bowl.


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6
6
Review of Contest Entries  
for entry "My Great Grandfather
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting. I’m going to take it for granted you are talking about the night of All Hallows Eve (Halloween). I have heard this type of setup in other forms, but I enjoyed your telling. I tend to think and write of Faieries as good creatures. When my husband was so sick, we had a small faerie ring outside our back door. When he passed away the ring disappeared because the good vibes were not needed anymore.

Great use of the Irish habit of telling stories that always have hidden meanings. Is this something you heard as a child?

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions

*** It was custom (add -ary) to pray for my ancestors. May they rest in peace. It was a time to learn and watch.
***With a swish and a swirl, I thought I saw something. (What is swishing and swirling?) Then a glimmer here and there and an ordinary fairy appeared. Upon closer examination (comma) I noticed her wings were tainted, (not sure what you mean when you say this) the tell tale (one word) sign that it was a faerie. I held my breath and felt my heart beat wildly as the faerie drew near. I didn't know her name. (Not needed)
***"No (comma) you may not. It is a very special meal. I just don't want you anywhere near it."
***"Well (comma) then I'll be on my way."
***My Great Grandfather (hyphenated) my conscience told me as he neared. Then the faerie left for good.
***"Over here," I whispered quietly and a breeze seemed to pick up my voice and carry it over to my great grandfather. (hyphenated)
***"What a delicious meal you made for me my great granddaughter. (hyphenated) Thank you for letting me eat it. I got a story to tell.
***My Great Grandfather (hyphenated) finished eating his meal and then turned and made a salute. I saluted back and smiled.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Gum  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This article was just plain fun to read. I try not to read packages because most of them are scary. Congratulations on taking the time to research your findings. This is always a good thing to mention when you can include data.

I have included a line-by-line review below.
Red - needed changes
Blue - suggestions

***Extra Cinnamon gum has, as advertised, a longer lasting (hyphenated) flavor. I have no inclination to report my findings to Mars Wrigley Confectionery; they already know.
*** This foray into masticating sticks of cinnamon (caps on -C) Extra is vanity-driven. Over the past thirty years, I have gained almost ninety pounds. Losing weight is a long-term project, but firming up my double chin is doable, (no comma) if the hints I found online are correct.
*** A sugared gum has seven calories per serving, but Extra Cinnamon has a mere five. Clearly (comma) the manufacturer has my best interests at heart.
*** Do I need to research sugar alcohols? (no -s, it is already plural)
*** I though (add a -t) I could trust them. I believed in them, only to find out my chewing gum is made up of something weird and potentially unhealthy.
***(This paragraph needs to be either in quotes or in italics and indented since it is copy and paste. I would also include the webpage at the end) In the U.S., genetically modified canola is typically grown. From this grain, the oil portion can be separated and sold as canola oil. As this product is only the oil part of the GM canola plant, it will not contain the modified DNA. Therefore canola oil produced from GM canola would not be bioengineered.
***So, these come from genetically modified products, (no comma) but don’t carry modified DNA.
*** Yes, I was. Face, meet palm. *FacePalm* (not needed)


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8
8
Review of Jack O’Lantern  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Cute story. I sort of guessed the ending before I got there, so it actually made me chuckle, reading the last few lines. Writing using only conversation can be challenging but you did a great job.

I have included a line-by-line review below. I have not corrected the spelling.
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions
***“What’s the obsession with teeth, its (apostrophe -s for “it is”) not like your (apostrophe -re for “you are”) going to need them, is it?”
***“I’d have liked to be able to eat some of the candy there (use -that) is in this house.”
***“Good luck with getting any of the kids’ candy. They’re greedy little sods.” (love this word)
***“Well, let’s see. Did they appreciate all the hard work it took to carve me, (no comma) or to decorate the house?”
***“Do they believe that on Hallowe’en (no apostrophe) (I see you have done this below also, so it may be a regular part of your language skills) the dead come to life?”
***“No, of course not. These are 2022 (possible comma after the first 2 to make the number easier to read) kids. Nothing scares them. They don’t believe in anything anymore.”
***“Just the usual. (comma, not a period, to make this a complete sentence) Chocolate bars and slices of pumpkin pie.”
***“I don’t know, but I feel you could at least have asked my permission.”
***“I’ve lost my six year old.” (hyphenated words)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The idea is a great fantasy and can be anything from a long story to a novel, I think. You have left yourself a great amount of space to grow the story. Is The Wishing Star in another dimension? I like the idea the wishes supply the energy for the magical beings and even the star to thrive.

I would write a chapter for coming to Earth and a chapter each for the group as they join. You can have some of the stories happen in between introducing your characters also. You ask some excellent questions in the last paragraph. Possibly you could go into a little more of an outline type of printout.

I tend to be a pantser (I let the characters tell me where the story is going). You seem to lean toward the outline type of setup. Either way is fine. It is what works best for you.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions, and comments

***On Earth, the dragon's wings are transformed into beautiful iridescent butterfly wings and the unicorn's horn disappears and now the unicorn looks like a mini pony. ONLY (caps only on the -O) children and animals and very few adults, only adults who truly still believe in magic can see them… (period not … and caps on -T) this allows them to move freely in our world.
***They will meet and help a little girl who's whose parents are going through a very hostile and bitter divorce. She is caught in the middle and is suffering. They will meet and help a young boy caught up in a gang and all he really wants is to find a family that loves him. There will be two other children… (comma not …) but their details have not yet been figured out.
***All those children will eventually belive (spelling) enough to make wishes.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Lost Incantation  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Interesting story. I had a bit of a problem following the timeline though. Maybe you could put some type of division between the different periods. This could be as simple as a long dash. From the way I am reading the story, Alberto goes to the family farmhouse, once owned by his great-grandmother. We see him there as a child. As a young man the children of the town, who have eaten the pumpkin candy start to mutilate the adults. At the end of the story, we are back to where he is standing in front of the farmhouse.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestive changes and comments

***Gravel growled and dust clouds puffed behind the Volvo as it braked to a stop in front of the dilapidated farm house. (one word) A door clicked open, a shoe crunched gravel, and the car twitched as the door slammed shut.
***As the nearby city grew, they had sold their farm, except for the small plot containing the house, to developers.
***She had had a small garden where she grew her herbs and pumpkins.
***Pointing to the biggest one, he said (comma) “This one looks good, Grandma.”
***“Grandma (comma) why do you talk to the pumpkins?”
***“To be kind to them. If I don’t, they won’t be kind to us. I talk to them everyday. (two words) That’s why they grow delicious.”
*** “The stew is ready. Would you like some.” (question mark not a period)
***Laughing, she urged. (comma, not a period) “Then, eat more. Here, eat.”
***He blinked. He saw the farm house (one word) in front of him, and a tear rolled down his face.
***Grandma Zeppa had told him the pumpkins would grow bad unless she spoke the words. He had learnt learned the words.


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11
11
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was a very interesting start to a story. It could possibly be maybe a second or third chapter also to set up your characters and locations. I was a bit confused as to whether it was a female or a male which was getting shaken. Also, I think you need a little more explanation of why the painting is so important.

I have also found you tend to repeat information you have already given the reader. Try reading your story out loud and listening to what you are saying.

***Remove the word “that” in as many places as possible where the sentence will still make sense without it being included.
***A couple of your scene divisions are 2 # and a couple are 3 #
***It is very awkward to begin a sentence with “but”. Usually, this means it should be connected to the sentence in front of it. Try and remove as many of the “but”’s as you can by possibly reworking the sentences.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - needed changes
Blue -suggestive changes and comments

***The shaking and shivering didn’t last very long. About a minute or two before it suddenly stopped. (I would change this by combining the two sentences above: A minute or two later the shaking and shivering suddenly stopped.)
***I’m not sure how long I had been there. (comma not a period, if you use my suggestion) I think I had been there at least a couple of weeks. But I started losing my thoughts about it around a week after they brought me here. That was when I started shaking and shivering all over. It had happened before that. As soon as they brought me here, it started. (You are just repeating the first few sentences)
***I know my thoughts above are a little bit confusing(. (no parentheses) One thought I was thinking the shaking and shivering started after I got there. (comma, not a period, lowercase on -a) And the next thought it had already begun before then. I got somewhat confused a lot because of what was happening to me there.
***I tried to look where I had been thinking they were. But my bruised, battered, bloody face made the pain from what they had been doing to me hard for me to do that. (How would her face be bruised, battered, and bloody, especially bloody if all they were doing was making him shake and shiver. You could maybe mention his head shook back and forth hitting the sides of the chair.)
***After I tried several times, I gave up trying to do it. (It = what) Now I just stared straight ahead of me. Waiting for the next round of shaking and shivering to begun. begin. I didn’t need to wait too much longer before the Javin tried to kill me again.
***The only thing it did for me was help me kept keep track of about how many days I had been there.
***I spoke up. But my words were still unrecognizable most of the time. And garbled all of it. “What are you talking about? I haven’t done anything to any Metal Masterpiece.”
***“The First Leader of Javin. I didn’t take that. Because everyone know (add -s) it was the Private Protector protecting it who has taken it.”
***Payvon was about to cause me some more shaking and shivering to me.
***The lights in the other room where Dellion was in (comma) suddenly went off. A few minutes later Dellion walked into where I was.
***“What are you talking about? Are you answering my questions about why I’m here. (question mark not a period)
***Dellion looked at Payvon. Who told him what I had just said. (question mark not a period) “Look at her. She is barely there. Barely alive. Isn’t there something you can give her so we can all understand each other.”(question mark not a period)
***He put that on my neck. It instantly disappeared into my skin. A few seconds later, I open my eyes wide, and I sat up sitting up straight in the my chair I’m in.
***Dellion smiled. “Yes, I can too. Now we can get you to admit to what you have done.”
***The only way for you to admit it is for you to become that Private Protector again. You have already done it several times in the last couple of weeks. But you haven’t him yet.” (These two sentences don’t make sense)
***“Whatever it is, I can give you twice as many. (comma not a period, lower case on -i) If not a lot more than that.”
***And most of them had been males. (comma not a period, lower case on -b) But none of them had been this Protector.
***It was because it was easier to do. Males didn’t remember me. (comma not a period, lower case on -b) But most females can. I didn’t know why it happened like that.
***Every time Payvon tried getting her me to admit to taking The Leader of Javin I changed into someone else from my recent past. I had been on the planet of Javin for about six months now. And I had taken quite a few things. Most of them had been males. But there had been a few females too.
***The last a couple of times I came close to changing into that Private Protector. …I came close to him both times. (comma not a period, lower case on -b) But not quite the same. Enough of a difference that Dellion and Payvon didn’t recognize me.
***After I thought about it for a while, I came up with a way to stop any more changings changes from happening.
***For the past week, I had been feeling a lot better. (comma not a period, lowercase on -b) But I didn’t let Dellion and Payvon know it. I didn’t know at the time, but I could use it to help me stop those changings changes for from happening anymore. (two words) All I needed to do now was wait until Payvon tried to make me admit to what I have done.
*** I preferred both to be there when I stopped them from trying to make me admit to anything I hadn’t done. At least I hadn’t that time. When they began to approach me, I fought back.
***My hands and feet weren’t connected to the chair I was in after all. Once Payvon and Dellion got close enough to me, I used them to make them take my place in that chair. (How were they used? Remember the reader needs you to tell what is happening) Within only a few minutes, I was ready to give them what they had been giving me.


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12
12
Review of Huntress-Prologue  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Prologues are not one of the things I use in my writing very often. I know they are used to give foreshadowing, but several people who are supposed to be “in the know” have told me they are just information dumps and should not be used. These instructors feel the information can be slowly fed into the first few chapters, by what the characters say or what they do. I have no hard and fast opinion on this practice.

Facts known with this: Kayla Karson is alone and piloting a ship through deep space. The ship is owned by “Matt”. Someone is trying to take her prisoner and she is trying to come up with a plan to get away. Kayla has no idea who the attacker is or what they want. I know some of the questions I have asked will be answered in the next few chapters, but I thought I would ask them anyway.

You have done a great job of pulling the reader into the story, so they want to find out how she gets away or saves her life.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions and comments.

*** She pulled hard over on the controls to evade, but the yacht was not designed for combat and responded like a Rycan slugfish. (spelling) The maneuver only helped to put the ship more squarely in her pursuers’ line of fire.
*** There was a jolt as several shots made contact with the hull, (The shields are gone, or is the firepower of the other ship more than the ship can handle?) followed by a loud whump, and a hissing sound coming from the cabin behind her.
***“Or I can open your ship and carry you off after you’ve passed out.” (So life support is gone, but the hull has not been breached? She has not gotten into some type of space suit.)
*** Her attacker could easily run her down (is the attacker's ship larger than hers?) and disable the yacht’s drives, and she did not want to risk further damage to Matt’s ship.
***Surrender (add -ing) was not an option. Her father had drilled that into her at a young age. Ironic that the very thing he instilled in me would come back to bite him. me hard.
***Outside, the pursuer’s ship settled into attack position, weapons locking onto the viewport (are the weapons visible to Kayla, or is something on one of the panels telling her this?).


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
At first, I thought you were talking about how a child grows and wants to know everything. They start to notice their world. They start to realize the world is divided into the have and have-nots. They want to reach out and become one of the important people in the world.

By the end of your story, I am going to guess you are talking about the rise of mankind as a whole. You start in one city and end up at the end of every possible universe which could exist (like quantum mechanics).

**I use the free word correction program called Grammarly. It is set for finding most commas but not all since it is not calibrated for the Oxford settings. This is why commas are marked in blue.

This was well done and I enjoyed reading it. I would be very interested if I got your meaning correct.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestive changes and comments.

***And wasn't that Yahoo's backronym (spelling) that was cleverly hidden, or at least that was the idea? El-Yahoo1! (spelling)
*** Yes (comma) the world was very big, huge even, but it was still best at home. Every thing (one word) felt close and like home there.
***A little girl saw me and I gave her a coin - basically (comma) it's a sign that your destiny is marked with an angelic sign. I mean, we're all kids and everything is a joke! And your life is beautiful and you live it as if through rose colored (hyphenated) glasses.
*** Each one of them had truly earned to be exactly where they actually were - they were usually well-educated, extremely smart, sophisticated, well-mannered, handsome (so (caps on -s) what media-embellished and inflated character didn't look truly capable and great, even genius!), and their heart was full of love and hope.
*** It burned with ideas of patriotism, science, enlightenment, national interests, cosmopolitanism, and a new world order. It wanted to see the world and keep up with its ideas of progress. (comma not a period, lower case on -t) To develop and to live.
*** It was stunningly beautiful, (no comma) but dead. Why? What had happened? Where was everyone? Where was were the world and the universe going?
***Humans had long used rockets to reach the heights of space, but the speed at which they moved was ridiculously low. (is this word supposed to be -slow?) …So aren't children the closest to the Most High? Wasn't humanity going in the wrong direction, trying to reach the unreachable. (question mark not period)
***Human civilization was reaching its apogee, the child was discovering the most interesting and all kinds of ways to prolong his life - through medicine, through cloning, through quantum consciousness transfer, through what have you - and all just to survive and have continuous growth.
*** In the beginning (comma) the child was learning to master the energy and material resources of his own planet, later of the whole solar system, and even of the Galaxy.
*** It was the transcendent, which in turn had countless combinations. Dimensionality here bordered on the impossible. This beyond had a variety of possibilities, and each one was a bubble that, if it collided with another, it meant an unimaginable level of chaos.
***And he decided that he should still be grateful for his time in the City of Angels - maybe (two words) there he had a chance to at least get a taste of life.
*** Something beyond even the wildest notions of the most impossible impossible. Then it bowed its head. And disappeared. Forever. Into nothingness. It had lived enough! (I think “it” equals Hope)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I always enjoy reading Science fiction, because I love learning what other people think about what can be out there in space. As you can tell, I had a few questions about some of your statements. These are only my questions and I am not cutting your writing. The story is good but tends to be confusing. I know when I write SciFi I have a story in my head that makes perfect sense to me. The problem is, sometimes I don’t give enough background to complete the story. I take it for granted the reader knows what is in my head.

***I try not to give much away, but I have a question. The Omicrons never left right? They just tricked earthlings into going with them to their home planet and used for breeding?

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes to be made
Blue - suggestions, and comments

***The dead whiteness (???) of space was around them. Humans had long since begun to colonize the solar system. … And (caps on -e) even whole wars! Such as the Helium Wars in East Africa, the Helium Wars in Europe, and the Helium Wars in South America.
***Oil and coal had run out. But people had no idea what other source of energy to use to meet their enormous needs. (comma not a period, lower case on -s) So this was the only option.
***The punishment for disobedience was perverse and brutal - castration and complete removal of the sexual organs. (I am a bit confused by this paragraph. First “punishment for disobedience” to what? I get it is a way to reduce the population but who allowed the rules to be put in place and what were the rules?) Quite a few had squealed at this - but only brutal annihilation was the appropriate way to deal with the countless human population. The neutered retained their place in society, but they would never again have the chance to become star astronauts.
***The consensus was reached. (no period, lower case on -a) And the Earth Council gave the first order. A full and wide-ranging plan to appropriate Universal goods. An hour sooner! (An hour sooner than what?)
***All well-trained astronauts would be placed under special conditions that would allow them to survive there (where is “there”?) as long as possible. They had nothing to do with the previous preparation programs. The first daredevils died from too high G in the test capsule, others from malnutrition. Some went mad, torn from their families. Some castrated themselves! Completely insane, they separated their testicles from their body with a barber's knife! They didn't want to take part in the compulsory selection procedures of the conquering pilots again! (You need a bit more background to explain why these things are happening.)
***The moon had been used in the past to mine Helium-3, but it wasn't exactly industrial, but rather used to repel the invasions of the many aliens that came all the way from some planet near the star Omicron. It was a pulsating star from the constellation kit. (what “kit”?) It was too far away.
***The whole kerfuffle (I love this word) led to the relocation of a huge portion of the population to other distant planets. (inside or outside our solar system?) "I don't want to be locked up and castrated like a pig! I want to breed!" That was the slogan.
*** I was going to be a conquering aviator. I was going to plant my seed in wombs that came from alien worlds (are you talking about procreating with aliens?) and mine Helium-3 at will, but the bureaucracy was overwhelming.
***I turned my back (on what?, period) "Is this inhospitable and hostile place my home?"
***When the shuttle Aurelius BD 604 picked us up, I knew it was just a prelude to the next step. But (caps on -T) there was no way it could be otherwise. There was work to be done. And I set about my duties hard and conscientiously. Somewhere deep inside, I felt an emptiness. (no period, lower case on -a) And a terrible loneliness.
***Attaching to the main transport ship, the Asenaut, was difficult, but by no means impossible. But somewhere deep down I felt even unhooked. (Don’t know what this means) I might never have returned. I might never meet the woman of my dreams again. (Has he met the “woman of his dreams” once? If not remove the word “again”) We were lied to there that we would make it. But there was nothing like it. And I knew it. Damn it! I knew it!
*** After that you have no excuse. After that you have to survive in real life!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Tempus Fugit  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading this story. It was a nice take on “changing the past, changes the future”. Everything actually made sense up until the last paragraph. I get that the information was not passed on to the original machine mechanics that were not invented. I get your thoughts that with no invention what happened could not have happened. My problem is with Gellbrave being stuck in blackness and conscious of the fact. Quantum Mechanics has always been interesting to me although I still don’t know a lot about it … I guess I like the theory that it can exist. It may be just my thick brain that can’t wrap around your ending.

**I am in the USA. I haven’t corrected the spelling because I can tell you are not from here.
**I use Grammarly, a free writing editing program, and the comma suggestions are those it is telling me need to be made.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - needed changes
Blue - suggestive changes and comments

***"Yes, yes." The reply sounded impatient. Gerald pulled the wheeled chair backwards (no -s) by pulling the man's hair.
***"Pah. Everything is encrypted. My every keystroke, the readings of every instrument and sensor, the video data -- you do realize that you are being recorded as we speak? -- all are encrypted and backed up in real time (hyphenated) to a server in-- well, in another location."
***He put the gun on the deskl (remove -l) and took out the micro.
***He came to a moment later, (this is ok to say, but how does he know it was only a moment later?) disoriented and confused. (Ok you have another scientist taking care of Gellbrave and tieing him up. You end the next paragraph with the new scientist waiting for Gellbrave to wake up, but in this paragraph you have him waking. I would suggest you move this paragraph to below the next one or rewrite it)
***He calmly took the gun from an unresisting hand, (no comma) and used it to thump Gellbrave on the head.
***He applied several layers of gauze to the pulsing wound, taped it expertly, and wrapped the foot in a pressure bandage.
***It took considerable time for the story to be unravelled (spelling) on both sides.
***"Really, Gellbrave? (How does the new scientist know Gellbrave’s name? He never introduced himself) You claim to be from sixty years in the future? Go ahead, pull the other one. And it was Neil Armstrong. Happened this afternoon. I watched it on TV. Wonderful, such an amazing achievement. Took a couple hours off to watch, which is why I'm working late." (remove quote marks, he hasn’t finished talking) Nmbada. Why is that familiar? Where did I see that name? Not just the note on the rat, but something else. (closing quote marks)
***Yes, 1969 International Science Fair, Martin Nmbada, age 14, University of California at Berkely. (spelling) Elphair Prize for Theoretical Physics, "Explorations of Temporal Transfer: Closed Time Curves and the Goedel Metric".
***The criminal was groaning, twisting (comma) and fighting his bonds. "Aaaah! Christ, my foot hurts like hell. Can't you give me a painkiller? Aspirin? Delcedrin? Morphorine? (spelling) Anything?"
***"Aspirin I've got. The others I've never heard of. (nice reference to some meds not around yet. Helps to set a time period.) Sure, why not? I guess I'd better call the police, too."
***He began to feel queasy. Shock, I guess. he guessed. I've lost some blood.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed the interesting twist. I like the idea of someone being able to borrow someone else's body in order to help the person in life. This could have been a real horror story if you wanted it to be. Also makes you want to know if Julie is the only person who can do this (which gives you the possibility of expanding the story). You also might try reading your story out loud, pausing for one beat where you have commas and pausing for two beats where you have periods. This will help with completing sentences.

**I have marked possible comma problems. I use Grammarly and it has marked the spots I have designated. I have found it may be in error.
The Short Term Loan
**It’s = It is
Its = shows possession

I have added a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestive changes

Hi, I'm David and I'll just use Welton for my last name in this story. Mornings had always been bad for me and this one was lousy.(add space) I awoke abruptly and rolled over in the bed, I was just a bit disoriented because it wasn't my bed. My GOD... I thought but couldn't remember, (if you take my suggestion, add caps to -D) did I go to a party or clubbing. (question mark not a period) As I sat up “Oh man,” a headache began throbbing through my head like the proverbial 5th battalion in an old war movie. (nice and unusual reference) A little white clock by a window said it was 7 AM. I heard movement below me, and the scent of what smelled like breakfast.

(new paragraph) Her room was like something out of a fancy exotic travel magazine. White walls, matching desk, bed with canopy (comma) and end tables. The few clouds in the bright sky beyond the windows must have moved along as the room brightened bending my thoughts to it being more a heavenly space. But, as nature had begun to call began calling I noticed a bathroom across a hall and I needed to go. I must have over done (one word) it last night, I thought. But, I couldn’t recall coming here, and who the hell was downstairs. (question mark not a period) I was still a bit groggy and coddled the conclusion, of course, the women (-an not -en because it is singular) the night was spent with was cooking for me. Another light sea breeze flowed gently through the rooms again. The air was warm.

(new paragraph) Walking across to the toilet, the bowl sat just inside the door, I sat down to take a dump which was fine till the action itself felt a bit strange and even sounded funny. I started to check myself when, (no comma, lowercase on -a) A voice called up the stairs, (not a new paragraph) “Hey (comma) babe you better hurry the boat will be here soon.”

A, A man! A man? Babe!? Oh man, a chilling realization that something was really wrong. (comma) slid up my backbone (added to finish sentence) There's a man downstairs, (period not a comma) Hopping off the bowl I stood not knowing how to answer. (The original way you have this sentence is incomplete) A barrage of questions and revelations began all at once. What?, (no comma) Where?, (no comma, caps on -A) a boat? How, the hell? I didn't recall the voice, But, (lowercase on -b) he knew me? (period not a question mark) How did he know me? Then I noticed I had on pajamas, which I don’t wear... And then my heart sank, (lowercase on -and, period not a comma) What did I do last night? Slept, with a man? A sickening feeling grew in me, then leaning over the bowl, Black (lower case on -b) hair fell down the sides of my face. What the..? I looked into the mirror to see, her, dark wide eyed, (hyphenated) open mouthed (hyphenated) she, me, stood staring back at me. I couldn’t catch my breath. Had I gone crazy?, (no comma) Closing my eyes and whispering to my self. (one word) I’m David, David, David Welton, 723 Jostling Rd. I’m a construction worker, I work a rig in St Louis, I have two brothers John, and Bill, Mom’s name is Carroll and Dad is Ben. I’m a guy. I’ve always been a guy, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes then wishfully opened my eyes, (period not a comma) She was still there looking back shocked.

“Julie you’re going to be late.”

Footsteps were now on the stairs. He was coming. No, this was insane I thought. Shuffling about in the cramped bathroom was awkward. My hips kept bumping into things. I was, trapped in a woman’s body. He came in the door. It was the first time I felt afraid. That just wasn’t me. Then calmly he spoke, (not a new paragraph) “Humm, I see... Don't worry whoever you are, your experience will be over soon.” Then he calmly went back down the stairs inviting me to follow.

There was a long pause on my part as I digested the meaning. (not new paragraph) "What did he say?"

Her His voice was unfamiliar to me. I followed him into the brightly lit and open kitchen below as he Plainly (lower case on -p) and un-apologetically said, (no new paragraph)"Relax, you're safe here, Julie, the person who's whose body you're in, must have needed your body for today." (remove quote marks) So you can relax. You’ll be back in yours soon.”

"What?" (not a new paragraph) Questions began flowing through my head, along with a rising tsunami of anger. (opening quotemarks)You know, what's happened to me? You know who did this? (closing quotemarks) (You have him answering the questions in the next paragraph, so David must have said them allowed)

He stood there, smiling (comma) and said, "Well, yeah, and if you'd relax I’ll explain."

(new paragraph) Looking down at my self, (one word) then him, I bolted at him. I didn’t want any explanation, I wanted to beat his brains in. (comma not a period, lowercase on -b) But he handled me like a pile of twigs. I had lost all my strength. I was stunned, frightened and pissed yelling, “Change me back, Change me back now!”

Leading He led me over to a couch in the living room. (If you leave the original words, the sentence is not complete)

“How could you do this to me? And stop calling me Julie”, (period inside the quote marks, no comma) I started tearing.

Clamping down on my arms, he began to explain. (not new paragraph) "First of all, I’m almost a as shocked as you, well only in that she didn’t tell me she was doing this again.” (not new paragraph) Then, pausing with a questioning look, "You're a man, right?"

Staring hard at him, (not new paragraph)“Yeah, inside this body.”

“I figured as much, girls try to fake it. They get as far as outside then realize they have no idea where they are and come in to figure it out. (lowercase on -b) But, guys... Well look here, Julie does this changing thing, like you and I change underwear. But, she’s never hurt anyone so relax. It (‘s) just a new experience for you for a day or so.”

Calming a bit I asked, “Where are we anyway?”, (no comma) I asked.

Letting me go and returning to the kitchen he said, “Cheval Island." He pointed to a distant shore line, (one word) "That’s Madagascar.”

As he spoke I looked out to the sea through all the windows. "Africa?" (remove quote marks) No way? (closing quotes) I thought, (period not a comma) This is a dream. Then returning he poked me as if reading my mind, (period not a comma)

“No, its (apostrophe s) not a dream.”

As I looked around. (no period, lowercase on -t) There was a double toot of a fog horn just off shore. (one word) He stopped rambling to raise it on his cell phone telling it's (no apostrophe) captain he won’t be needed. He then, (no comma) tried to explain that Julie having been born with this ability uses it to change things and peoples (apostrophe s) live (add -s) for the better.

(new paragraph) I was still angry, I felt worst than violated. I’ve been removed from my life and place (add -d) in a prison I could never escape if anything went wrong. So, I stopped for a moment and settled into my new reality. And asked. “So what do we do now, till she gets back?”

There was a long pause. (not a new paragraph) “You play poker?”

And, that was how we spent the day. (colon not a period, lower case on -p) Poker, the beach, fine wines, movies (comma) and food. Then as night fell I became quickly and uncontrollably sleepy. I remember only passing out. Next, I was home in bed, bearded, dirty (comma) and all. An no (caps on N) one even remembers seeing me or what I did or where I went that whole day. A week later I received notice from my bank that I'd received twenty-seven thousand dollars from an anonymous source (comma, lowercase on -a) An (you can also replace An with -the) exact amount able to cover all my current debts with interest.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Ok, the first thing I’m going to say here, is I need more of this story. You were able to set the scene and introduce your characters quickly and efficiently. I’m still trying to decide if they are on a ship, in some type of conclave, a large building, or some other type of enclosure. You have left unanswered questions which are important to my well-being. What are the walls dividing? Why can’t you go from one area to another? Why is there a division?

I had no problem figuring out what was going on in the story. You were able to build your characters enough through interaction, I was worried about Dom in the end. You will need to double-check your spelling. I can tell by a few of your words you are from another part of the marvelous world than I am. (I live in the USA)

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions for changes.

***Leon froze to listen, (no comma) and reached out a cautionary hand to his friend Dominic, who was still walking.
***(I would place this whole paragraph in italics and even indent it if you can) Here is the Life Improvement plan for today. Breakfast in your designated Mess Hall at 07:30. …
***Leon dropped his voice to a hoarse whisper. "Geez, Dom, are you crazy? You know the penalty for that. I don't even want to hear about it. Your You’re just telling me makes me an accessory."
***There, for three solid hours (comma) the Pastor exhorted them to follow the rules and show proper behaviour, and warned them of the consequences for deviance and non-compliance.
***...Theirs will be unending hunger, unending terror, unending pain, unendurable suffering that lasts forever! (closing quote marks)
*** His stomach rumbled with hunger and his imagination flared with visions of hell-fire. (not hyphenated)
***Believing that he was valuable made made his aches more bearable, but made his guilt and confusion far worse.
*** As Seniors, Corven, Dom, and Leon had private sleeping cubicles, (no comma) and usually got together in one room or another.
***Leon decided discretion was the better part of valor, (no comma) and kept his silence about Factor Three. "Uh, way he was talking at lunch, maybe he's pussy-hunting."
***With a shock like a kick to the gut (comma) Leon suddenly knew beyond doubt that he would never see Dominic again.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Desperate Times  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I have been reading many stories lately about giants among humans. Some have actually had happy-ever-after endings to them, but not normally. Yours is interesting. Gets the reader thinking about what happens after that village is destroyed. With all the stories on various webs about how once giants were the norm on Earth, I can see why this sort of story has taken off.

I would also suggest not using all caps on the words of the Giantess. It is not generally accepted. All caps can be replaced by using italics on the words.

I had no problem following the storyline. The progression of your tale was straightforward.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestive changes

***"Are you daft, Hogen!? (you are showing excitement by your words, you don’t need the exclamation) The Lord will have our heads and sell our wemen (spelling) and children into slavery so he can pay to fill his fat gut!"
***"Well, what else can we do aside from begging for mercy!?" (you are showing excitement by your words, you don’t need the exclamation) … Lord Acres Garfield, (period not a comma, caps on -H) he was a grim man, made even grimmer by the food shortage, (period not a comma, caps on -H) he walked to the table silencing the village leaders with fear.
***"Good day, my people. Fear not, for I have made a trade deal that will ensure this lands (apostrophe s) continued prosperity. Return to your homes and await the traders that will come to the village."
*** Tomatoes, onions, potatoes, and ham, all of which was were as big or, in some cases, bigger than the carts they brought to transport it.
***"Ok, but if I find out that this is a trap, I will come back and eat you one limb an at a time." Morgen then started moving west, (Period not a comma, caps on -B) by the fear in both the mob and their Lord; she did not think he was lying.
***Hope finally came to her senses when the giantess started walking over towards her house, (period not a comma, caps on -S) she dashed under the bed and did her best not to scream as the roof was ripped off her home.
***"I COULD HAVE SWORN I SAW A HUMAN IN HERE?" The (lowercase on -t) giantess said to herself,
***"FOUND YOU! THOUGHT YOU WERE CLEVER DIDN'T YOU?!" (Exclamation point not needed) Hope tried to struggle free from the giggling monsters (apostrophe s) grasp, but it was no use. She then froze in horror at the grumbling sound that suddenly came from the giantess holding her.
***"SEEMS YOU'VE WORKED UP MY APATITE LITTLE ONE, HOPE YOU TAST (add -E) AS GOOD AS YOU LOOK."
***A half-hour later, she could no longer find any more humans, ether (spelling) she got them all, or some got away, but she did not care, she had a suitable hall.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of The Puppeteer  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Interesting story. You started out as if everything was normal and gradually fed in enough hints to let the reader know the story was about to go sideways really quickly. I love your last sentence. If you continue the story please get in touch with me. I found the premise of mind control plus other things to come a very alluring fact. Since Hank asks if she remembers what she did in the past, I see a major back story coming also.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggested changes

*** I take my clothes off and jump in, taking a quick shower. (caps on -W) when I'm done, I leap out and quickly towel myself dry, putting on my bra and panties. I pull out my favorite outfit, a silky white blouse (comma) and short black skirt, matching it with a pair of black high heels.
***The office I'm interviewing at is nearby so i (caps) decide to walk there. I walk down the street, walking a few blocks down the road, (no comma) until i (caps) get to a tall building. I walk into through the front door and over to the front desk.
***Woman: May i (caps) help you?
***The reception (add -ist) ignores me and returns to her paperwork, not caring at all that she's being rude. I walk over to the elevator and press the button. the doors open and i (caps) step on in, pressing the button for the 10th floor. … I can feel the nerves start to creep on me and i (caps) take another deep breath.
*** I take a deep breath and clinch (spelling) my hands together again.
***He's so sexy.. (only one period) What am I saying. (question mark not a period) I can't be thinking like that about my boss.
***Me: (caps) what do you need to know?
***I unbutton my blouse and letting (no -ting) it slide to the floor.
*** I unhook by my bra and let it fall to the floor. What have I gotten myself into. (question mark not a period) I wish I could stop, but he won't let me.
*** My body's screaming for him to fuck me, fick (spelling) me like I've never been fucked before, but he's going to be my boss.
*** He pulls me back onto his lap, in pulling me close.
***Sliding down to the floor in front of Hank, I unzip his hands pants and pull out his cock, caressing it with him my right hand, my thumb running the Tim. rim.
***What kind of control does he have over me. (question mark not a period) I'm not acting like myself. I need to stop. I need to leave. I can't let him think that like this. I try to move but I can't. (add space and caps on I) i want to cry but nothing comes out.
***Hank: I can tell (period)
***Hank: We have work to do. (caps on N) now be a good girl and put the files away.
***I give the popsicle a lick and then suck on it, sensually, turning me on more than it is cooling me off.
*** My mind wonders (spelling) to visions of Hank fucking me and I can't help but moan. Hank watches with glee. I go faster and faster, sliding the whole popsicle in me until I climax all over it. (add space and caps on I) i pull it out, wanting more.
***Hank: (caps on I) it didn't help did it? Come here.
*** He tosses the the popsicle into the trash and then he turns to me. I could tell that he's getting tremendous joy in controlling me, playing with me like a doll.
***Hank: (add space and caps on -I) it's not so much fun when someone else has all the control is it.
***Hank: (caps on Y) you don't remember do you?
***He can tell by the confused look on my face that I don't have any clue what he's talking about. His face beces (spelling) angrier and meaner, scaring me a little.
***Me: I'm do so sorry.
***Hank: (caps on O) oh you will be. You're going to be so sorry when I get done with you. (caps on Y, spelling) yoi see, the abilities to read minds and control people, aren't the only powers I have.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Suggestion: Put a blank space between paragraphs
I started to correct everywhere you called the deer “it” changing the word to “he” or “him” and realized this is how the words sound correct to you. I stopped correcting the word. If you decide to go the way I think it should be, and it is totally your decision, let me know and I will change the second half of the story.

I also noticed you used dashes instead of opening and closing quote marks. I know there are countries that do this, so I haven’t changed all of them.

I loved how you ended the piece with a Moral. So many stories work at teaching morals but some, like me, have a hard time picking up on the thought. Thank you for making it plain.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggested changes

***Once upon a time (comma) there was a little deer who lived peacefully in a lush forest. … The sun burned mercilessly and suddenly he was thirsty. He took Take a short breath to locate the closest source and slowly worked his your way there. When I he got there, he took a big drink of cold water.
***Once he finished calming down, he realized that the clear waters of the stream were returning him to his own image. He often drank from small puddles, so he never got a chance to see his appearance clearly. I He was excited to see himself reflected in this big mirror! … Like most deer, it is he was a very beautiful animal, with soft brown fur and a slender neck. - In fact, (opening quotes) “I'm much prettier than I expected! And what wonderful wood I have! It is the most beautiful antler antler in existence. (closing quotes, he would be thinking this to himself) The arrogant deer stared at his head for a long time.
***Thanks to its his complete command of running in the open field and its his long and agile legs, it he gained a great advantage over the lions. … What seemed like a safe zone turned into a big trap for him. Do (lowercase on -y) You know why?
***... he broke the branch and was free. - I understands! (no -s) I understand! Now I have to get out of this forest somehow!
***The lion roared and returned to the army. (??)
***(new paragraph)Moral: Sometimes we give our hearts to those who dazzle us, but at a time when the truth is not so great and we miss it; …


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice piece. You have not established if this is taking place on earth, but without the definite mention of another planet, the reader will take that for granted.

We have the main character, Domrick, dying of a gash in his side which is bleeding. A stranger shows up and offers him the possible continuation of his life in some form. Domrick only hesitates a bit before taking the stranger's offer.

You did a good job of setting the scene. I definitely am pulled into the story, wondering what will happen next.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - needed changes
Blue - suggested changes

***Domrick wilted over from the pain in his left abdomen. The gash there had begun to bleed profusely and caused him to lurched (no -ed) forward and then lean against the alley wall. He thought back on his recent escapades which had left several people injured and his, not so good (all three words are hyphenated) friend, Dead. (Are these “several people and his friend still in the ally with him?)
***Needless to say (comma) this was not his finest hour but likely his last. That was until a (if you take my suggestion put caps on -A) figure appeared walking down the alley. Domrick squirmed slightly, reaching for the knife on his belt before hearing it murmur something.
***"Poor, boy," it taunted in an ethereal tone of many voices, "Lost your friends, (no comma) and nearly lost your head. What's a sorry soul to do?"
***"You're no guard (comma)" Domrick managed to spit out between bouts of pain.
***"Clever aren't we?" The being grew uncomfortably close to Domrick's face. "Now, brass tax. (I don’t recognize this saying. It is close to: “Now onto brass tacks…”) It would seem, friend, that you have fallen into quite a predicament. No?"
***"Who.., what are you?" (space) Domrick questioned, grasping his open wound.
***"Hmm," It (lower case on -i) replied, "I am merely a patron looking for a worthy Almsman, and you, dear boy, as of late have proven to be quite worthy of my favor."
***(new paragraph) Domrick shutter at what was to come.
***"I offer you an escape from your current fate. In exchange (comma) all I require is your service." It glanced over at Domrick's knife, which was still wet with fresh blood, then back to him. "So child, what, do, you say?" (Is Domrick the only one in the alley with the stranger?)
***The being reached its hand offering an accord and waited for a response. Domrick sat and stared into its the strangers (apostrophe -s) eyes, thinking momentarily before grasping its hand.
***"My dear boy, we will have fun.. (you need one more period)"


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22
22
Review of NOT GUILTY  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is just plain cute. You have taken a fairytale and added a “real-life” scenario to it. They say all fairytales started because of something that someone in the world experienced. If you pick through some of the tales and take into account when they were written you can usually ferret out possibilities. Humanity loves a happy-ever-after story, so they take hard times and turn them upside down.

A fairytale may be nothing more than a point someone wants to get across about life.

Congratulations on your story.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes to be made
Blue - suggestion

***This whole affair has been shamelessly plugged in the media by the press and has forced my clients to go into hiding since they received numerous hate mails, (did you mean to say emails here? I’m old school and actually received snail mail at one time.) have been stalked, and were subjected to continuous death threats from different sources
***My clients don’t want anything else but to be freed from this horrible feminist approach to an ancient tale.


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23
23
Review of COLLECTIBLES  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice end punch line. Congratulations.

While telling your story, you brought up some very interesting and truthful points about collectors. Some will go to great lengths to have what they want, most of the time totally different than what they need. They will fight, sell all their other possessions and destroy their normal life to have that one item that will “complete” their collection. The problem with this scenario is the collection is never complete. There is always one more item.

At first, I thought this story was going to be boring, but I kept at it. Over the years I’ve discovered, that most authors have a hidden plot they will eventually get to. Yours was fantastic.

I have included a line-by-line review:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggestions for changes

***Earlier that day, I had seen his orb collection, (no comma) and learned about his personal life. ***He was very security-conscious, (no comma) and had installed a state-of-the-art laser detection sys-tem (not hyphenated) that was almost totally unobtrusive.
***Darrell liked to estimate the overall value of his collection at $10,000, though he knew selling them for that price would be iffy, assuming he ever had to, (no comma) or wanted to, sell.
***He went on to say that the globe seemed originally to have been two pieces of obsidian that had accidentally become fused together, with one piece acting as the base to the perfectly round orb.
***However, unfortunately, someone else was the proud owner of this globe, displaying it care-lessly (not hyphenated) on a shelf but quite unwilling to give it up.
***Collectors usually enjoy finding potential locations for treasure, such as junk shops, garage sales (comma) or flea markets, where at times gullible sellers might be induced to part with items whose value they don’t appreciate, at a very reasonable price.
***Finally (comma) he approached the owner of the obsidian orb to offer $5,000. When this was rejected, he asked what the owner would take for it.
***I quickly completed my quest for my own collectible, (no comma) and congratulated myself as I saw my beloved world, Prolixy, come in sight. I smiled as I gazed at Darrell Halloway; he would make a fine addition to my growing collection of non-Prolixian collectors. (My mouth just dropped open; brilliant ending)


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24
24
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting. You said this is a piece you are working on. When I write I don’t always start at the beginning. I’ve been known to start at the end and work backward. Where does this part of the story fall in your future writing? I personally could see it as the start, the end, or even the middle happening.

I would love to learn more about Dylan and Trenton. Why does Trenton think they could have been gods? I know it will depend on the back story.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - suggested changes
***Dylan did not recognize the man who knelt before him.
***"It's not for us to be gods (period)"
***As he gazed around the temple hall, he saw the trail of lifeless, blooded bodies of his brethren. Scattered, slashed (comma) and cleaved.
***Draped across the alter (spelling) at the head of the hall, was Sentinel Prime. His throat was sliced with surgical precision.
***His eyes wandered over the mayhem before him, each scene played out in his mind like a sort of grim pantomime. First Sentinel Prime was caught off guard by Trenton's treachery, then it was Finn's turn, carved through the mid rift (hyphenated) as he was unsheathing his weapon. Next, it looked as if Tamsin had put up quite a fight, (period, not a comma, caps on -S) she always had been an excellent sword player.
***"Hand it over (comma)" Dylan announced calmly.
***"Lets (apostrophe s) not make this any harder, (period not a comma, caps on -Y) you know I have the advantage here (comma)" signaled Dylan.
***His outstretched hand was met with a fit of fervent jealousy from Trenton.
***"What did I always tell you, 'brother'... always have a back up." (one word) A sudden flick from Trenton's good wrist saw a shimmering shank appear from his worn sleeve.
***The order was in ruins, one of the sacred relics was stolen and Trenton had hunted down, ensnared (comma) and mastered one of the last remaining Shadow Fell Wyverns.


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25
25
Review of Rain Boy  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked the way this story traveled from mundane to fantastical. You started with a possible everyday occurrence, a boy kicking a can down the street. From there you went to the fantasy world of un-worldly things happening. The way you had the boy “swim” into the sky through the rain was brilliant.

I have included a line-by-line review below:
Red - changes needed
Blue - Suggested changes

***The can chose (spelling) to begin the journey down Blackberry Street and the boy followed.
***The washed out (hyphenated) blue of the sky had taken on a darker hue and now dark clouds could be seen massing above the houses to the west.
***The clouds were racing now, devouring the blue sky as they advanced, and the sun disappeared behind the leading edge of the looming darkness.
*** The boy was soaked in moments but still (comma) he stood there, apparently transfixed by the sudden change in his surroundings.
***The road itself became a river, slightly humped in the middle and frantic with activity as the rain smashed itself in a suicidal rush against it.
***Still (comma) the rain poured down and the boy began to make great arcs with his arms, bringing them down to his sides, only to lift them up again overhead. Then down again they came, (no comma) until his arms were making swimming motions into the water falling in sheets upon him.
*** In a little while (comma) he was almost invisible against the darkness of the clouds, still moving upwards, swimming into the sky.


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