*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pager
Review Requests: ON
384 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 ... Next
1
1
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Title and Author: What We Became - Ch 1 by Doublecat

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I read
Editing Suggestions


Plot::
We learn early in the story Clyde has been a homicide detective for two years. To learn the ropes he has been paired with another detective who is about to retire. The chief has now told him he needs to choose one of the women in the department for his next partner.

Hook:
Pre-existing problem is set in motion almost immediately, the disappearance of his brother and sisters.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentences and paragraphs, quickly set the scene and draw us in to find out if Clyde will eventually find out what happened to his siblings. I am hoping this is not just a smokescreen to draw the reader forward. If it is you are going to have disillusioned readers who will eventually give up on the story, before reaching the end.

Characters Development:
Clyde is a believable character. We still don’t know much about him, only what he has told us, in his mental dialogue.

Dialogue:
Most of the dialogue is mental. The little bit that is not is well done. There is no problem knowing who is talking at any given time.

Punctuation and Structure:
I have listed the line-by-line suggestions below. Generally, your punctuation and paragraph structure is sound. I would suggest you have smaller paragraphs in a couple of places. Readers tend to look at the long ones and start thinking they are going to get bogged down. You want to keep them moving through your story.

Closing Statement
This is going to be a good story. There is a good setup to possible roads you can take in future chapters.

Although I have been writing for a lot of years I am still learning also. One of my problems is how to Showing versus Telling. You should look into this also. I have been told over and over I have a long way to go if figuring this out also. In July I start another class on WDC concerning this subject. You write using the same technique I do most of the time. You want to set the stage so you tell everyone what is happening to everyone and the scenery. While this is not bad, I’ve also been told you show what is happening by the actions of the characters. When you get a chance look into it.

Thank you for posting. I would be interested in reading more as you proceed.


Starling
-------------------------------
.... I had to figure it out on my own. I would break this into a new paragraph at this point. Even if you don’t do it here, this long paragraph needs to be broken up somewhere. Don’t know if this will help, but I take a breath and start reading. When I hit a point I need another breath, I know I need to divide the paragraph somewhere close to that point. It turned out I had a knack for it. Some of the crime scene guys were confused when the new guy took the…
… Word got out that I'd handled things relatively well on my own. Soon I'd be set up with a new partner, Suggestion: … relatively well on my own and soon I’d be set up…
… "Clyde," he said. "Clyde Bannon." I wouldn’t repeat his name. Sounds here like the chief is asking if he has the right person. Maybe he could ask if Clyde had a moment to talk with him.
In the fifth paragraph, you mention the area is called the bullpen. Latter you explain what it looks like. I would move the description up to the fifth paragraph, adding a paragraph break after the explanation.
… too happy about it," the chief said in a hushed voice, period, not a comma, Caps on Leaning leaning in. comma not period and add qualifier ...he continued (comma) "They'll get along, though.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Help Wanted  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title: Review: Help Wanted by Genipher

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: Help Wanted by Genipher

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
A man is looking for a job where he can serve as a scientist assistant. He hasn’t had much luck until he applies at Dr. Nobody’s residence. He gets the job and learns his duties quickly. His only job is to do what the scientist says when says it and not question anything he is told to do. This is alright with him because it sounds like a job he’s going to enjoy.

The scientist takes him to his lab and shows him around. He points out all of the jars with weird things in them. He points out the animals that he keeps as pets. He also shows him the Do-Over Machine of Doom button. He has him push it.


Hook:
Mad scientist on a normal day

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentence introduces the reader to the main character and lets us know he is purposely looking for a job as a mad scientist’s assistant. The reader now wants to know why the scientist is considered mad, and what experiments are going to take place.

Characters Development:
The characters are smoothly developed through speech and movement. It’s done through spoofs on all of the old mad scientist movies as far back as the 1930s and 1940s.

Dialogue:
When a phrase is used such as “walk this way” we know what is going to happen. The dialogue is campy and mostly predictable, but cute.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found a few problems with the punctuation and have listed them below in my line-by-line review. The sentence and paragraph structure is well done.


Closing Statement
This piece contains a lot of dry humor. It is humor you are expecting but don’t mind experiencing again. It did make me chuckle in a couple of spots. The ending twist got a nod. It was expected but it ended the piece nicely. Without it the reader would have been wondering where the story ended.

This piece is also a “chicken/egg” story. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Which came first the boy dreaming and inventing the machine or the man inventing the machine and going back to grow up knowing he’s going to invent the machine?

I enjoyed the piece. Thank you for posting.


Starling
-----------------------
...I nodded, resolved to remembering remember better in the future, as Dr. Nobody flicked a light switch. His lab in all it’s (no apostrophe) glimmering and shimmering glory had my jaw dropping in awe.
...You’ll have to taste test all of them, Minion, (no comma) until we
...“And since the pet store refuses to sell me any more, (one word) you will have to take
...The flashing red button was hard to look away from. I felt drawn to it, (no comma) as if it was calling my name.
...immediately faded from it’s (no apostrophe) brilliant red hue to black.
...From the dark depths (need comma) something was rising
...George scampered back into a corner of his glass cage. (You said George reached out and took the chip. Now you have him in the glass cage. How did he reach through the glass?)
...Fluffy from becoming a bad doggie’s hors’doeuvre. (spelling)
...One of my duplicates, standing in the shade of a regal looking (hyphenated) house,
... Or maybe I was the clone, (no comma) since he had arrived
...I looked for the time traveling (hyphenated) bike.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Review: A Dream of the Past by Marvelous Friend

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: A Dream of the Past by Marvelous Friend

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Mrs. Jenkins is sitting in a waiting room to get her third treatment of chemotherapy. There are several other people waiting for her. A child starts running around saying she’s lost her cat. A man pretends to eat the cat. The Uncle of the little girl goes to the man and gets him to cough the cat back up then goes and sits down. He tells his niece she can keep playing because he will take care of the cat. The man pretends to pat the cat. The mood in the room is now more relaxed because of the fun which just took place.

Hook:
Patient waiting in doctors office

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The reader is pulled into the story to find out if Mrs. Jenkins is going to be alright. I think there is also the hope some might find out what actually happens during chemo, the actual procedure.

Characters Development:
It’s more of a situation development than character development. It is a basic study on the types of people who might show up in a doctor’s office. There are older people, a child and an imaginary pet, all prime ingredients for a good family story.

Dialogue:
There are very few words said, but each one of them counts as necessary. We learn about at least two of the characters by the use of just a couple of words.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found only a couple of errors and those I listed in my line-by-line review below. The paragraph structure was good.

Closing Statement
I have never gone to chemo myself, but I had a best friend who did. I can see where what you describe happening with the child would change the mood of the room. When I sat with my friend the mood was almost fake. Most were sitting there with pasted smiles and pretending to not be down or scared.

I hope you, your loved one or your friend are alright. Thank you for posting your story.


Starling
-----------------
...There was a man sitting a couple of seats down
... If these chemicals didn’t kill her, the cancer would.
...So Mr. Thompson obediently, (no comma) started coughing and acting


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Headache  
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Title: Review: Headache by Words Whirling ‘Round

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: Headache by Words Whirling ‘Round

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Lauren is headed for a job interview when she gets a migraine headache.

Also a spaceship gets stuck in some type of gooey substance and has to figure out how to get out of it. The only thing they can do is use their engine to move forward.


Hook:
Space ship is stuck

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Opening sentence is “She never saw it coming.” This pulls the reader further into the story to find out what came and what were the results. Dropping into the second paragraph is a bit confusing, even though we were given some warning with the mention of a sonic boom mentioned in the first paragraph

Characters Development:
We don’t learn much about Lauren. We learn more about the people on the spaceship who are going about their day, solving problems as they come up.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is all on the ship, what the people are doing to solve a program.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found very few problems. All found are listed at the bottom in a line-by-line review. Sentence structure was not a problem. There were no run-on sentences.

Closing Statement
This is an unusual story in some ways. My only problem with the story is even though the ship was so small why haven’t they realized there are large objects around. Normally spaceships are shown as a lot smaller than suns and other planets but yet we would probably see them. Maybe the ship is in what would be considered “in-between space” but it is still questionable they wouldn’t notice the large gray glob of goo.

Thank you for posting.


Starling
-----------------------------
...She never saw it coming. Lauren didn’t duck, never even looked up. By the time the sonic boom caught up with the out-of-control alien craft, (Suggestion: By the time the sonic boom from the out-of-control alien craft, caught up with it was all over.)
...Do a systems check and let me know when you’re ready, (no comma) Chief.”
...She felt disoriented, (no comma) but managed to sit
...One quarter (hyphenated) thrust.”
...the astronomical odds of being hit by a pinhead sized (hyphenated) UFO. Lauren certainly didn’t have a clue


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: The Growing Threat by Rima - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: The Growing Threat by Rima

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Two members of a military space team land on a planet and discover the hatchery of a supposedly dead race of beings. They are attacked. Before they can get off the planet they need to fix their ship. Once fixed they take off and head back to the mother ship.

Hook:
One group fighting another group for control.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The reader is pulled into the action right away. Question presented include why are two beings sneaking through the grass to view a nest. Who are the beings in the next?

Characters Development:
Character development is accomplished first through speech and then through the actions of the characters. We learn they have powers. We also learn a little about the beings they are spying on.

Dialogue:
Dialogue can be followed easy. It is fast paced which pulls the reader along through the story.

Punctuation and Structure:
You need to put spaces between the paragraphs. You can do this at the bottom of the page where you enter your “static item”. Under advanced choose paragraph spacing, choose to retain spacing. Make sure in your item you have added the space. Without space, it is extremely hard to read. I have listed any other problems I found in a line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
I liked the story. You give enough information to get the reader interested in the world you are building. I visualize this as maybe the second chapter in the story. (Why are the beings there? What was the war? What is the history of the people on both sides of the conflict?) It could be the last half of the first chapter also if you give a bit more build up.

You have left yourself plenty of room to run with “the war”. Make sure you keep your world building strong.

Thanks for posting.



Starling
--------------------
...Jordan and I crawled till to the edge of the clearing and peeped over.
... It was about a little more than half a mile in diameter and surrounded by waist high (hyphenated) scrubs.
...There was no moving soul around.(Question: It sounds like you are putting the nurseries in the middle of a large field, and the eggs are bright colored. Why is it so hard to see them from the air?)
...All of them. The whole of them (this sentence is not needed. It is redundant).”
...The ground was hot, glowing like a lump of coal on fire
...My head was whining and my ears ringing
... He was more than seven feet tall, wide at the shoulders (need comma) and tapered down at the waist. His arms were massive and his fingers had claws. On the top of his chisel shaped (hyphenated) face and bald head were two twisted horns.
...A full grown (hyphenated) tree flew across
... It was a more than thirty feet
...“That flying hornhead (two words?, or maybe caps) was going to fry you
...The rejuvenating chamber had drugs that could enhance cell growth up to two fifty (you may mean 250% here, wasn’t sure) per cent. (one word)
...My eyes closed in as I slowly slipped in to (one word) the comfort of slumber.
...I chocked choked as I tried to breathe and the mist blurred my vision.
...I cried trough through the growing mist
...Jordan, knowing that would drain him off of his ninety per cent (one word) of his
...“Then we’ll take them head on (hyphenated),”
...He breathed out heavily. “Yes (need comma) Commander.”
...They came in all shapes and sizes.
...My ears were ringing again and my hands shaking.
... The They holler at the Sormanians nursery
...“I think I found the mutagen.(need comma not period)” I said.
,,,“They are cross breeding. (hyphenated) They...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Peaceful Handover  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Review: Peaceful Handover by SeektheSnark

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}


Title and Author: Peaceful Handover by SeektheSnark

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
A corporation designs computer programing to improve such things as train schedules, airplane schedules, roadway repairs, and other things. It is quickly discovered the main AI has figured out how to install itself where it is needed without anyone telling it to go online. It has started bypassing systems in every part of life. Humans, being who they are, are taking it for granted the company designing software is getting things out faster than expected. The management of companies is taking it for granted the workers at all levels are doing their jobs. No one is watching the AI.

Hook:
The first paragraph has all the top management at a company shuffling into a meeting with no one making eye contact. Nice hook.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The first paragraph pulls the reader into the story because it poses questions about why management is not happy with the news which will come to light at the meeting.

Characters Development:
There are several important characters. David head of it all, in my opinion, is a little too laid back at what is happening. Granted he can’t do anything about it, but there is no real angst. Although I like him, he comes across in the end as money-hungry.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is believable for the most part. I think there should be a bit more angst in the conversations about what is happening.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found a few simple problems. There were no run-on sentences. I have listed the errors in a line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
This story is listed as sci-fi and technically it is, but it has many shades of modern-day life. With the expertise in today’s society all it would do was take on think tank kid to push the right set of buttons and this story could be telling about true life. People wouldn’t even know the difference.

I enjoyed this. It is a complete short story. Now you could open it up and tell about some of the things that happen and about how society eventually notices and what they do. Would you be starting a minimalist society?

Thanks for posting.


Starling
-----------------------------
...“All of it. There is a whole host of technical reasons it shouldn't be able to do that, but all signs point that isit has somehow adapted to migrate over there as well."
...You would have to shut down the trains (remove “s’) company and highways (remove the “s”) agency to completely purge their system,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: You Were Only A Human by PureSciFi - Sci-Fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: You Were Only A Human by PureSciFi

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Humans are in charge of collecting a valuable mineral on another planet. Shya wants to be treated like a citizen and not as part of the slave labor. The aliens think the humans are stealing in the mineral. They send Shya out with a ship loaded with it to let her prove it is not the humans. She is stopped by another ship and finds out the truth.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The story starts out with two humans fighting. This pulls the reader a little more into the story until they get to the part where explanations are given on why the humans are unhappy. The way it is set up, each piece of information pulls you a bit further so you keep reading.

Characters Development:
We have one main character. By her actions, it is not hard to see she is in charge. She doesn’t mind being in charge. There are several other characters that will get stronger as the story progresses past the point where it is now. This could be the first or second chapter in a longer story.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is believable. I think some stronger words could be used to show emotions in the dialogue, but it is good.

Punctuation and Structure:
Punctuation errors are minimal. The sentence structure is good and not confusing. I have shown some suggestions also in my line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
I found this story interesting. It is a good start to a possible longer story. As I wrote above I see this as either the first or second chapter. Each of the separate divisions you have noted could be possible chapters also. You had a nice twist at the end. Well done.

Thank you for posting.


Starling
---------------------
... And Viloni takes it away from me because she he (you have stated about the two fighters above are males) doesn’t want to do it herself himself.”
...“What do you want us to do about them? (caps needed) the humans are your responsibility.
...The faceless (?) head with the long hair of Bounc turned toward Dancun
...But she can’t hear them. (caps needed) all she can hear is their mumbling.
...Shya glanced at the large monitors on both sides of a huge one that is showing nothing of showed nothing but Space on it. (need caps) the two large ones are showing the Colvian scattered all around those very big-looking rooms.
...Suddenly, the darkness on the main monitor in front of Shya becomes became (present tense) a large spaceship similar to the one that she was on.
...She tapped a button on the arm of her Seater there.
...“That isn’t true.” Came the voice of a male that echoed (need a “t”) hroughout that room. The voice of a male echoed throughout the room.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: Based On An Untrue Story by Beholden - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: Based On An Untrue Story by Beholden

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
An alien race visits a planet. It takes them centuries to be able to travel in space fast enough to travel interstellar. The first few expeditions do not find any other life. Soon they discover a blue planet where they make contact with the citizen. They help them design large structures. Without any word of goodby, they leave the small planet and return home. The home planet thinks the travelers were crazy for not trying to help the small blue planet, gain knowledge and live better lives.

Hook:
The first sentence talks about giving up on the “thing”. The readers are now drawn to keep reading to find out what the “thing” is. Nice hook.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Where the opening sentence pulls the reader in to read more, the opening paragraph tells what has been discovered. The reader now wants to know what the alien race did with the new knowledge.

Characters Development:
We know from the beginning it is someone reminiscing about something which has happened in their past or in their planet’s past. We are not told what planet the main character comes from. There are hints the person may be someone important on their planet.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is all internal since it is a story being told by one person to at least one more person.

Punctuation and Structure:
Punctuation problems were minimal and will be listed below in a line-by-line review. The story structure was good and logically put together.

Closing Statement
Interesting story on events the people of Earth have wondered about. It also gives a logical reason why we know very little about how some earth structures came about considering the abilities of the people at the time they were established.

I enjoyed reading how you turned the events into a possibility. It was sort of aliens coming to earth, doing something silly to waste time and then leaving having a good laugh. I picture some grownups going to the beach to party, building some sandcastles, and then going home to continue to party, laughing about the good time they had.

Thanks for posting.


Starling
------------------
...Many, in fact (need comma) most,
...bending and manipulation of the space time (hyphenated) continuum
...it took that long to unravel space time (hyphenated) before we learned the momentous news
...learned the unearthly language (need comma) and proceeded to teach the poor blighters how to build enormous structures out of stone. Huge buildings of incredibly weighty and carefully-shaped (not hyphenated) rock were constructed, enormous creations that served no useful purpose
...Leave me now. I think I may scream.. (remove period)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of The Broken Planet  
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: The Broken Planet by Kate Connors - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: The Broken Planet by Kate Connors

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
A spaceship crashes in the water just offshore. The co-pilot is dead but the pilot is taken in by the inhabitants. He is called a god. He remembers his name but nothing is stated on if he remembers what happened prior to landing in the water. It is hinted at through the story’s progression he has lost most of his memory. After a length of time, he excepts his position although he can’t understand why these people think of him as a god.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening paragraph draws the reader into the story. The reader is left to wonder, why the ship crashed and who the pilot is. Also, where was he originally going?

Characters Development:
The characters are fleshed out as they can be in this short chapter. We have a good idea of what the aliens look like and what their world looks like.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is smooth. We can easily tell who is talking by the words they use. All the dialogue is logical

Punctuation and Structure:
The author has done an excellent job in checking for punctuation problems. The sentence structure is equally well thought out. I have given an abbreviated line-by-line review below.

Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading the story. You have asked for help in fleshing this story out. At the moment you have the beginning of a short story. You have a beginning (Enzel crashes). You have a middle, (explaining over a period of time how he accepts what the people are saying about him. You don’t have an end, like a happy ever after.

Fleshing out what you have could include more detail about the characters you have introduced (background, looks ect.). You can also give some more detail on who Enzel is. We know a little about him, but we have no clue where he was or where he was headed before he crashed. He has also accepted his role too fast after a very minimal amount of wonder in the beginning.

The possibility exists this isn’t the first chapter in a longer version. Enzel would have a reason to be traveling. By the last part, you have already stated he could have been on patrol and had equipment failure. He could be coming for the first time and was being watched for by those already there.

Each area you have marked off can be a chapter in a longer story. You want to answer as many of the normal questions as possible. How, When, Where, Why, is everything happening. At a minimum, I can see this story progressing to the Novella stage of writing (anywhere from 10,000 to 40,000 words) There is also the Novellete stage (between 7,500 and 17,000 words).

Take your time. It can sometimes take an author, even those well established, to take a long time to get a story moving. I personally have several which I add to every so often when my Muse nudges me. Usually, he does it just as I’m going to sleep.

I hope I have helped a little bit. I would be willing to read more or answer questions you may have. I might not personally have the answer, but I can help you find someone who will know. WDC has several reviewing services that are willing to help. Keep checking into the contests also.

Thank you for posting.


Starling
--------------------
...now that the contest is over, i’d (caps on I) like some suggestions
...Hearts in his stomach, he unbuckles their restraints, (no comma) puts on their life jackets, and then he’s alone they’re on a raft at the mercy of an alien sea, his companion’s life bleeding into his hands.
...Everything is white when they open, (no comma) like Shaltet}
...A few minutes pass and whatever it is (need comma) sprouts a sail.
...“‘One with eyes and skin the color of the sky shall fall from her arms, a glorious and benevolent sovereign,’” (remove single quote mark) says the first one to stand,
...settle on either side of his face (need comma) and he’s forced to listen to the voices.
...“Minister, look at me.” She lifts her head, (no comma) but doesn’t stand.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Review: Perspective (Redux) by Chris24 - Sci-fi

The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: Perspective (Redux) by Chris24

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
An intergalactic criminal is tried by the human race. There are several charges he has reasonable (although insane) answers to. Will he be found guilty? The reader may never know.

Hook:
The first sentence is the hook. It pulls the reader into the story with questions on what are the charges and why are there charges in the first place. There is a twist in the end which makes you question if the trial even exists. It is left up to the reader to figure it out.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Very short opening sentence is the hook.

Characters Development:
The character development is done through mostly dialogue. There is some description of the main character who is on trial, but not of those who are running the trial.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is from the main character who has to explain to the judge why he did the things he did. All his answers are perfectly logical.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found very few errors in the punctuation. The story is easy to follow and is in chronological order.

Closing Statement
At first I thought this was just going to be another space alien bad guy trial. You have been able to pull several psychological questions into it. I love when this is done. You come up with sound arguments on why the main character did what they did and truly believes he has done the only thing he could do to be a true beneficiary to the different races of several planets.

The twist at the end is sort of a head spinner. Were we reading about something that was “really” taking place or were we looking over the shoulder of a young boy daydreaming about possibilities? I’m thinking the possibility exists the child is either going to be a psychotic killer or a brilliant psychologist.

Thank you for posting.


Starling
-------------------
...Whispers from the shadows, (no comma) and the next charge was read, ...
...Those Korlans where were about to open a dimensional breach...
... I took action, graciously commanding my drones to acquire their gateway (need comma) and incorporated it into my world crushing (hyphenated) engine.
... Stupid name, (no comma) if you ask me.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Do We Exist  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (5.0)
Title: Review: Do We Exist by Dr. Gunzo - Sci-fi


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}


Title and Author: Do We Exist by Dr. Gunzo


Plot::
The author puts across the theory we only exist because we think we exist. They ask many questions which don’t all have clear answers when you are trying to prove existence.

Hook:
The hook is presented in the first sentence. “ Proving existence is not as straightforward as one might think. Looking into a mirror and THINKING we are...therefore we must be, is not proof that we exist.” The reader is drawn into the essay to see if they disagree or agree with the author’s reasoning.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
As mentioned above the first sentence asks a question many have thought about.

Dialogue:
This is an essay. All dialogue is internal.

Punctuation and Structure:
Punctuation is all correct. A few words are redundant, like “really”, “actually and “own” but none of them are incorrect in their usage.

Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading this essay. You did very well asking questions about a complicated subject. I love reading philosophical questions which have no answer. Our brain perceives we exist, but the brain is only a computer, programmed by … If the brain is self-programming then as any computer, it drops information it doesn’t think relevant. It concentrates on information it can relate to as a working possibility. Maybe the information if figures are not valued is the exact information needed. I hope I am making sense here.

Thank you for posting.


Starling


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title and Author: Once Upon A Normal Morning by Earl Schumaker

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
An alien race sends ships manned by machines to Earth to remove all of the cellulose (wood products). It takes a while for them to start the process but it is ongoing. Eventually, people are turned into wood and scooped up also.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The first paragraph attempts to set the mood as easy going, filled with everyday events.

Characters Development:
There is not much character development. The whole story is written as if a non-Earthian person is reporting what happened to Earth.

Dialogue:
Internal dialogue is the only thing which exists.

Punctuation and Structure:
The structure of the story follows a logical progression. Details are given as if a report is given.

Closing Statement
It took two readings before I finally figured you were writing this as if you were giving a report to some species about what happened to Earth in the past and why it was like it was now. At first, I thought you were doing it in the first person, but that didn’t pan out. The concept is sound and interesting. You have left plenty of room to expand on the story and go into more details.

In my opinion, you have too many hyphenated words. Hyphenated compound words are used when the words being joined together are combined to form an adjective before a noun. If the description is put after the noun it is describing then the words are not hyphenated. Example: It was a forty-acre farm and The farm was forty acres. I am not the best person to tell you how to correct your writing without rewording it to a large extent. I also fight a constant war in my own writing to not use as few hyphenated words as I can.

Thank you for posting


Starling

--------------------
Corrections:
...Once upon a morning much like this; where dew drops (one word) newly born,
...waving over flat lands (one word) (/c}full of life. To their (who is this?) surprise (need comma) the day is well underway in its arrival. (This is a very poetic introductory paragraph. I read it as you are trying to set a mood of tranquility before the storm. You might put it in italics and indent the paragraph. Add “Author unknown” to the end of it also.)
...{c;blue}Very few Citizens in the remote village didn’t realize realized the significance of what was about to unfold. (I would be willing to guess none of the citizens realized the significance)

...Mother ducks waddled on in their awkward march across the black pitched (hyphenated) street with their chicks lined up behind them as if strung together with an invisible string.
...vibration of the gigantic air ships (one word) as they filled the sky with doom.
... On this day it could not arrive too soon. (This sentence does not make any sense. Why would the afternoon be important?)
...numbers was mind numbing (hyphenated) to the point of madness.
...Suddenly the odd looking (hyphenated) pace machines
...trucks (need comma) and cars to near by (one word) farms and hills
...When the sky ships (one word) arrived they simply became affixed there in mid air (hyphenated) by some unknown forces. It was a surreal experience. How can such heavy solid objects just be suspended there (need comma) in empty space?
...Clearly (need comma) these creatures or beings did not come from France. (I know you are trying to be flippant here, but not sure it works as you want it to)
...stationed themselves everywhere, in above (unless you are saying they have landed somewhere) every community
...Several war like (hyphenated) nations sent
... New religions and cults formed almost over night (one word) to honor and praise
...about to take place..(remove one period) (The second sentence is a run-on sentence and should be broken up into 2 or more sentences.)
...The transformation from a solid state (hyphenated) into an energy
...what is seen in the circumference of a 7 foot (hyphenated) diameter circle as 21.991 feet: 263.89 inches: 21’11.89 feet and inches in relative calculations there about. (What does a 7-foot diameter circle have to do with 21.991 feet?)
...They would pulse and make a low frequency (hyphenated) whirring sound
...Over the span of 3 days (need comma) the villagers discovered the hard way,
...They learned quickly that the alien ships had no life forms on board. (one word) They were operated completely by automated machines.
...the androids from their work stations (one word) but without success.
...thinking machines and workers found on board (one word) the ships. They do not have faces. Clear translucent globes are affixed above what appears to be shoulders on a human like (hyphenated) torso or body.
...The glass like (hyphenated) “heads” seem to be filled with
...fluid memory energy which (replace which with that)
...They have normal looking (hyphenated) hands but with 8 long
...There were a sub species (hyphenated) of androids which stood (replace which with that) 3’ tall. They were mostly box shaped, (hyphenated) simple functionaries designed
...Large, torpedo shaped (hyphenated) shuttles began to leave the main ship through the newly opened portals. They were very long cylindrical containers with built in (hyphenated) compactors designed to compress material. Giant earth moving (hyphenated) equipment followed them out and down to the surface
...wood, bushes, shrubbery (need comma) and the entire contents of all jungles on Earth.
...A signal had already been sent back to their home world (one word) with the information
...millions of giant ships were was (only one fleet which is the subject) dispatched, already on their way through the distant void. Somewhere out their there in deep space the new fleet of UFO’s (no apostrophe) were racing towards us to finish the job of taking our resources.
...The ships returning to their home world, (one word) filled to capacity
...They released a green yellow (hyphenated) gaseous fog on the ground
...They were the first to die because the gaseous substance was released on board (one word) the ships. The gas had no effect on the androids but the substance or virus got into the humans (need apostrophe) lungs and systems and instantly
... concrete (need comma) or metal living quarters might have a chance for life in the short run.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Solstice Day  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.5)
Title: Review: Solstice Day by Words Whirling ‘Round


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}


Title and Author: Solstice Day by Words Whirling ‘Round

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Grandfather and grandson look for decoration to decorate for Christmas. The grandson finds a clock and can’t understand how to read it. The grandfather explains how to read it and how it works. Since the United States and mostly the world is on the metric system the clock is not relevant.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening paragraphs have the grandson finding something. This leads to the reader to continue reading to find out what he found. Then we are drawn into the story as the grandfather explains how the clock works

Characters Development:
There is not a lot of character development. We know one of the characters is old and one is young. Their actions work with this scenario

Dialogue:
The dialogue is well done. There is no problem telling who is talking at any given time.

Punctuation and Structure:
I have found a couple of problems but not many. I have shown them in the line-to-line review below.

Closing Statement
Interesting storyline. It takes a possibility and explains logically how it could work if it was accepted in society. I like how you pulled the old in with the new as describing the presidency and its progression. You have given a possible date although I get the feeling it is several years after the 2054 year.

Thank you for posting. This was enjoyable.


Starling

----------------------------
“Gee Grandad, what’s this thing?” Jonny asked. They’d been sent to the attic to find lights for the Solstice Day celebration.

“That, my boy, is a clock. A genuine Schoolhouse Regulator with chimes. Your Grandma always loved that clock. It reminded her of her grandmother, but it’s not very useful anymore.”

“Does it work? There’s no display for the time numbers.”

“Well, the numbers are painted on the dial, and the hands tell the time.”

“Hands? You mean these pointer things?”

“That’s exactly right, the little hand points to the hour (need comma) and the big hand points to the minute. A wind-up spring inside the clock makes the hands move around the dial.”

“But where are the numbers? All I see are letters, just ‘X’s and ‘I’s”

“Oh, that’s right, they don’t teach you kids about Roman numerals any more.(one word) Ok, I’ll try to explain it so you can understand. The ‘I’ stands for one and the X stands for ten. So, at the top of the dial (need comma) the ‘XII’ means ten plus two. It stands for twelve. To the right of the twelve is a single ‘I’. It stands for one. The hours count up as you go around the dial, from one to twelve. And see, the minutes are marked in smaller numbers from one to sixty.”

One, two, three, four . . . wait, ‘V’ must be five, right?”

“Smart lad. I almost forgot about ‘V’.(need closing quote marks)

“. . . ten, eleven, twelve. I don’t understand,” Jonny said, looking confused. “Why twelve? Why sixty? That doesn’t make any sense. Days are twenty hours long.”

“Yeah, I know, but they used to be 24 hours when I was your age. And hours were 60 minutes long. The big hand would go around the dial every hour, and the little hand would go around the dial twice every day.”

“That sounds complicated, how did you know what time it really was?”

“We just knew,” chuckled Grandad. “Time doesn’t really change, Jonny, people just measure it differently now. And it wasn’t really so complicated. The minutes were a little longer back then and the hours were a little shorter, but a day went from midnight to midnight, just like now.”

Jonny looked doubtful, still not understanding what Grandad meant. He’d been born after the metric calendar reformation of 2054. The political turmoil of the Terrible Teens had given rise to the Rationalist Movement, and that movement had led to a new age of scientific progress. The pendulum had swung so far over toward sanity that America had finally embraced the logic of the metric system. And then they had gone even further by spearheading the use of a new, more rational timekeeping system and yearly calendar.

The time of day had been rationalized to have 100 seconds per minute, 100 minutes per hour, and 10 hours each of am and pm. The new second was defined as .432 old seconds, so a new minute was equal to 43.2 old seconds, a new hour was 1.2 old hours, and 20 new hours with 200,000 new seconds made a day the exact same length as 24 hours with 86,400 old seconds (200,000 x .432 = 86,400).

The general public had been unwilling to give up their seven-day week, but they did let go of superstition and convert to a calendar with 13 months of 28 days. This allowed every month to begin on a Monday with only one day of the year unaccounted for (13 x 28 = 364). The final piece of the puzzle was to designate the summer solstice as a special holiday not included in any month. The lure of a new day off overrode the objections of calendar companies who feared the impact of a perpetually reusable calendar. And, if one day off is good, then two is even better! Every fourth year would add a second holiday at the winter solstice to correspond to the leap year of the old calendar.

The existing month names were preserved for sentimental reasons and a new month of Kamala was added to follow the summer Solstice Day. It was named in honor of Kamala Harris, the first woman to serve as U.S. President. She’d served out the final months of the beloved Joe Biden’s term and then served two terms of her own. Her calm, but firm leadership had been the catalyst for the larger rationalist movement.

Summer Solstice was soon established as a relaxed time to gather with friends and family and celebrate the return of warm weather. However, the idea that it didn’t count as part of the calendar gradually came to mean an escape from responsibility and accountability. Virtually no one worked on their yearly ‘free day’. The quiet barbeques gave way to wild parties with wild behavior. It became generally expected that people would dress in costume and indulge their deepest, darkest fantasies. Cheating on your diet, or your spouse, didn’t count on Solstice Day.

Winter Solstice, in contrast, became a non-denominational religious holiday. A day when all faiths, from Wiccans to Muslims to Roman Catholics, could celebrate together. It might happen only once every four years, but at least it was a start. For many (need comma) it was a day of reflection, (need comma) iand reconciliation. For others (need comma) iit was an extra day to prepare for the holiday season. For nine-year old (hyphenated age) Jonny it would be the beginning of the biggest, grandest Christmas display he’d ever seen.

“Here we go,” Grandad said at last. “This whole stack is for Winter Solstice. Let’s start getting them downstairs.”

Jonny quickly forgot about the odd, antique clock and grabbed a box. Time to decorate!

“Come on, Grandad," he called enthusiastically. "This is gonna be great!”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Title: Review: She Finally Told Me by Paul


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}


Title and Author: She Finally Told Me by Paul

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Ian receives a phone call while he is rushing to get to the airport to take a flight overseas. The person on the other end tells him she is his dead cousin and gives him reasons he should believe this. The caller also tells him not to take the flight he is planning on taking. He misses the flight and it is good he did.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentences give us a lot of information. It tells us it is Ian’s birthday. The caller is calling at 2 am in the morning on a Wednesday. Ian is a writer.

Characters Development:
We get a sense Ian is in a hurry and he doesn’t like being in a hurry. The caller on the phone is a bit strange, but the story moves fast enough we learn the caller is a ghost soon enough to not get confusing.

Dialogue:
Dialogue is broken with incomplete sentences. It gives us a sense of hurried, interrupted speech. Normally it wouldn’t work but this does.

Punctuation and Structure:
I only found one actual mistake, which is fantastic. The word takeoff is one word. The rest of the errors the computer is trying to point out to me are because of the necessary dialogue in the story.


Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading this. I think if I didn’t know you were bringing a ghost into it, I may have been confused with the broken speech, but it worked. A couple of things come to light after some thought. One, it is happening in modern times. Two, Ian is in his 70’s (he traded lockets with his cousin 60 years prior to the date) Three the cousin died and he’s going to her funeral. I think I have this right. If I don’t please message me and let me know where I am wrong.

Thank you for posting.


Starling


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of The Climb  
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Title: Review: The Climb by W.D. Wilcox


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}


Title and Author: The Climb by W.D. Wilcox

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Natasha is in a hole with climbing gear on. George her boyfriend/lover/husband is at the top of the hole. Natasha told George he wasn’t enough of a man for her. He climbs mountains for a living. She needs to climb to the top of the hole in order to save Bob’s life who is on the other end of the rope with it around his neck.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentence immediately pulls the reader into an action scene. Why is Natasha standing on a side wall in climbing gear? Why is she in the hole?

Characters Development:
Natasha’s fear is very evident from the first few sentences. George is cocky and mad. Bob is full of fear.

Dialogue:
Dialogue is good and perdictable

Punctuation and Structure:
I found only a few errors and I have listed those below in the line-by-line review.

Closing Statement
We are left with a lot of questions. A couple of them are how did Natasha not know Bob was at the bottom of the hole. Was she knocked out or something? There is nothing to tell us how the whole scenario came about, with all the character placement. I know you are setting a scene and this is just a snapshot of a few moments, but the setup is not complete.

It was a very nice plot twist at the end. You have left a generous amount of space to continue the story. I am a fan of Happy Ever After, and I know you are not guaranteeing that here. Thanks for posting.


Starling



------------------------------

Natasha clung to the wall, her fingers numb, limbs quivering. How long her husband planned to keep her down here was anybody’s guess. He had rigged a long rope and pulley, the one end clipped to the climber’s harness cinched around her waist, the other connecting somewhere down below her in the darkness.

“George? George, are you up there?”

“Yeah…whadduya want?”

“Enough is enough, George…now pull me up.”

“Ha, not on your life! You want out, then climb out!”

“George, please, you’re being silly, all this just because I won’t sleep with you.”

“That’s not the only reason and you know it! You said I wasn’t man enough for ya—less than a man, I think were your exact words.”

“But, George…”

“But, George, nothing! This is what I do for a living, Natasha—I climb mountains! Let’s see if you can do it!”

Her arms were getting tired. “Please, darling, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you…”

“Do you think I’m less than a man compared to all those sissy boys you work with at that designing place? Or maybe you measure manhood by the number of dollars a fella’s got shoved up his ass.”

“George, please! I’m going to slip and fall. I can’t feel my toes!”

“Oh, don’t worry…you won’t fall. The rope will hold you. I got it tied down below. You’ll just dangle there like the spider you are.”

“George Meany! You get me down from here this instant!”

“No…I don’t think so. I’ve been following you around town, Natasha. Did you know that?”

“Following me?”

“Yeah…I betcha didn’t think I’d do that, did ya? I know all about you and Bob Mathews: how you been meeting him secretly at his uptown apartment; how you and him been having a good ol’ time behind my back.”

“George, please…I can explain.”

“No need to, darlin’. I know everything already…Bob was very co-operative (no hyphen).”

Co-operative(no hyphen)? What do you mean?” Panic gripped her guts. “Listen, George, Bob means nothing to me. I was just using him to get further up the ladder. What have you done?”

“Done?” He laughed strangely. “I ain’t done nothing except bring ol’ Bob down here with us.”

“Bob? He’s here? You didn’t…kill him or anything, did you?”

“No, of course not. I’m not like you. He’s right below you. Of course, he can’t talk right now because I put duct tape on his mouth, but he can hear everything just fine.”

“What do you mean? He’s below me, now?”

“That’s what I been trying to tell ya. I got the other end of that rope tied around ol' Bob’s neck. If you can’t make it to the top, or if you fall…you’ll hang him.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Title: Review: Sophia's Great Catch by The Puppet Master


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}


Title and Author: Sophia's Great Catch by The Puppet Master

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Dylan, Sophie’s husband, gets hit on by a woman who thinks she can make him cheat. Alice, the other woman, tries hard but her efforts to not pay off for her.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The two main characters are introduced in the first paragraph and they are put in motion. The questions presented to the readers are where are they going and what’s going to happen when they get there.

Characters Development:
These are two established characters. The story is a character study on marriage fidelity between the two of them.

Dialogue:
Dialogue is good. You can tell who is talking by the phrases they use.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found a few small problems and I have indicated them below.

Closing Statement
It’s not very often you find stories about a man and woman being faithful to each other. Usually one does something and the other begs for forgiveness, sometimes getting it and sometimes not. I have not read the first part of your character’s adventure, but you have let the reader know they still care about each other,

Have you studied this dance or did you do research? Thank you for posting.


Starling
------------------------------
Dylan and Sophia Nelson married after Dylan saved Sophia's life by pushing her out of the way of an oncoming car. The insurance agent and the swing dance instructor drove to a swing class/dance one autumn evening after leaving the kids with their babysitter.

"I can't believe we've been married almost a year already," said Sophia.

It's almost our anniversary?! I forgot about it. Good thing she reminded me! What will I do for her? thought Dylan before saying, "I can't believe it either." He pulled into the parking lot. Upon leaving the car he buttoned his suit jacket, and Sophia smoothed the skirt of her 1950's era dress.

Upon entering the ballroom, Sophia and her teaching partner ran through the moves they planned to teach that night. Dylan watched from the sideline.(need space)She's so beautiful, he thought. I really got lucky ending up with her.

"Now that it's the third week of the class, I think we should introduce the swingout," said her partner, Jack.

"I usually don't teach that in beginner classes. It's more of an intermediate move," answered Sophia.

"I know, but the sooner the students are exposed to it, the sooner they can master it," said Jack. "We don't have to go too into it. I just want to introduce it to them." He tested the stereo system.

"You do have a point," said Sophia. "I figure we can at least touch on it." She tapped on her microphone to make certain it was working.

"It's six o'clock," said Jack, looking at his watch. "Time for class."

"Welcome to class, everyone," said Sophia. "Leads, go over behind Jack. Follows, come behind me." Sophia and Jack stood in the center of the room, facing each other. The students formed lines behind them. As Dylan took his place behind Jack, Dylan looked to where the follows stood. A rather short brunette in a sailor dress caught his eye.

"Leads, choose a follow and then form a circle around us," said Jack.

Dylan approached the brunette. "Would you like to dance?" He offered her his hand.

"I would love to." She took his hand and smiled, exposing bright white, straight teeth.

"First, we are going to review the tuck turn and side pass. Then, we will introduce you to a new move," said Sophia. She and Jack demonstrated the first moves before the class followed suit.

"I haven't seen you here before," said Dylan.

"I just moved to the area," answered the brunette.

"Welcome," said Dylan. "I am Dylan Nelson. What is your name?"

"Alice Andersen." She looked up into Dylan's eyes.

As Dylan pulled her close in the side pass, he told her, "I love your dress. I'm into nautical stuff."

"Thanks, I am too," said Alice.

"What is your favorite type of ship?" asked Dylan.

"Hmm... I would have to say the 18th-century man of war, but I like all sailing ships."

"Time to rotate!" said Sophia. "Leads, move around the circle in a clockwise fashion."

"Nice dancing with you," said Dylan before moving to the next follow.

Later in the class, after the instructors demonstrated the swingout, Dylan ended up with Alice again. "I already know this move," he told her. "My wife is one of the instructors. She taught me a while ago."

"You're married?" asked Alice before letting out a little sigh.

"Yes, in fact, our anniversary is coming up. It's a good thing she reminded me about it today, or I would have forgot forgotten and ended up in trouble."

Damn! Why are all the hot dudes already taken? (add quote marks to beginning and end of this) thought Alice.

The class ended, and the social dance commenced. Sophia approached Dylan to ask him for a dance, but he was already dancing with Alice. The two stayed together for most of the night. Around eleven, the dance ended. Sophia and Dylan went to their car.

Before she had even fastened her seat belt, Sophia asked, "Who was that girl you danced with all night?"

"Her name is Alice. She just moved here. I enjoyed dancing with her, plus she's pretty."

Sophia's eyes widened. "What about me?" she asked, trying not to sound angry.

"You're pretty, too," said Dylan.

"Apparently not as pretty as her," said Sophia, holding back tears.

"I never said that."

'But you think it!" Sophia wiped a tear from her eye.

"No, I don't." Dylan and Sophia rode the rest of the way home in silence.

The next morning at breakfast, Dylan's phone rang. "Hello?... Oh, hi Alice...no, I'm not busy tonight...yes, I would like that...ok, I will meet you there at seven. See you then." He hung up.

"I don't want you going out with that slut!" Sophia slammed her plate on the table.

"Chill out, Sophia. It's just a friendly thing. Nothing will come of it," said Dylan.

That evening, Sophia watched as Dylan left to meet up with Alice. Why is he paying attention to her and not me? What is wrong with me? Do I need to lose a few pounds? Or wear more makeup? I can't lose my marriage to this whore! (Quote marks at both ends) she thought before crying herself to sleep.

In the following weeks, Sophia began a new exercise program. She also started wearing makeup every day instead of just to dances. She curled her long, blonde hair more often and shopped for sexier outfits. "I have to do all this if I want Dylan to stay and not run off with Alice," she told a friend over lunch.

"I am sure it's just an innocent friendship between them," said Janet, her friend. "Dylan doesn't seem like the type to cheat."

"I can't get the idea out of my head that they are doing something," said Sophia. "I am so obsessed that I am checking his phone every day and deleting her voicemails."

"Like he said, you need to relax," said Janet.

"The next time he sees her, I will go too and tell her to stay away from my man!" Sophia slammed her fork on the table.

A couple of nights later, Alice invited Dylan to her apartment. As he opened the door, Dylan saw that she was wearing a scanty nightgown. "Woah, I don't think I should be here," he said to Alice. "I can't cheat on Sophia."

"Come on, you know you want to," whispered Alice.

"I can't. I have morals," said Dylan. "I promised to be faithful to Sophia when I married her." He nervously smoothed his hair.

"It will be fun," said Alicia.

"No! I don't think we should be getting together any more.(one word)" He turned around and went home.

A week later, Alice showed up at Dylan and Sophia's door. Sophia heard the doorbell and came downstairs to the door. "What are you doing here?" said Sophia.

"I need to explain something to Dylan," said Alice.

Dylan came to the door. "You shouldn't be here," he said. "Since you tried to get me to go to bed with you, I realize this isn't a healthy friendship."

"You tried to sleep with my husband?!" yelled Sophia. "You can go screw yourself for trying to eff up my marriage! Stay away from him!" She pushed Alice to the ground and slammed the door before locking it. "I knew she was no good," said Sophia. "I really appreciate you respecting our marriage and not screwing with her."

"I couldn't do it," said Dylan. "I noticed you've been trying harder to appeal to me since Alice came into the picture. I didn't marry you for your looks. I married you because you're the whole package."

"Aww, that's so sweet," said Sophia.

"You're already mine. You don't have to try to be hot any more (one word)," said Dylan. They hugged.

"Plus, I have a surprise for our anniversary," said Dylan. He handed Sophia a card. Sophia opened the card and found two plane tickets to Paris.

"OMG! We're spending our anniversary in Paris?! What about the kids?"

"My sister said she would watch them while we're gone," said Dylan. "We will have a week to ourselves."

"You're amazing," said Sophia. She kissed her husband.

A month later, Dylan and Sophia boarded their plane to Paris. Dylan showed her around the gorgeous city and treated her to romantic dinners every night. They went to the top of the Eiffel Tower, the St Chappelle cathedral, and the Arc de Triomphe. He showed her the place in Notre Dame where Napoleon crowned himself Emperor. After a wondrous week, they headed home and enjoyed their strong marriage for decades.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by Starling
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Title: Review: The Potter’s Cup and Saucer By Marilyn Mackenzie


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}


Title and Author: The Potter’s Cup and Saucer By Marilyn Mackenzie

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
A cup and saucer are made but have to take a journey to find each other.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening paragraph gets us into the action of the story immediately.

Characters Development:
Personification is sometimes difficult to use and develop characters. You did an excellent job giving both the saucer and the cup personality.

Punctuation and Structure:
Suggestions below in the story.

Closing Statement
This was very well done. I love personification and use it often in some of my work. Your use of metaphor was spot on. Thank you for posting.

Starling





The Potter’s mighty hands performed a miracle in creating a delicate and perfectly formed saucer. From the Potter’s wheel to the fiery kiln, He lovingly guided her. As her forming process was completed, He stamped His creator’s markings lovingly upon her.

As she sat alone on the shelf, she did marvel at her own beauty. But what good was she – a saucer alone? She envied the beautiful bud vase. Just one rose bud (one word) or one bright daisy placed in the tiny vase transformed it into a true masterpiece. And the large flower vase, filled with a grand bouquet, looked stately and proud.

But what of her? What good was the beautiful saucer without a matching cup? Rather than ask the Potter his plan, she set out on her own to find her matching cup.


**********

Shortly after the Potter finished creating the beautiful saucer, He began forming the perfect cup as well. The same mighty yet loving hands placed a mound of clay upon the Potter’s wheel. The resulting cup was beautifully formed and placed in the fiery kiln for hardening and completion. The Potter’s stamp showed at the bottom of the shiny, new cup.

Just like the saucer, the cup didn’t wait for the Potter’s help. He set out on his own, seeking his partner, the saucer designed just for him.

**********

The delicate saucer couldn’t find her match. The world was full of large cups and even larger mugs. Some shared the same design pattern. But when paired together with a large mug, she was overwhelmed, lost, often chipped (need comma) and broken. Still (need comma) she searched.

**********

The delicately designed cup couldn’t find his match either. Placed upon a dinner plate of matching design, his own beauty and usefulness was were hidden. Without that perfect indentation on which he should rest found only, it seemed, in the saucer designed solely for him, he often toppled over. His exterior was chipped and no longer perfect.


**********


The delicate cup and saucer, once perfectly formed by the Master Potter, wandered aimlessly looking for their perfect match. Each stopped, finally, and asked the Potter’s help. Once He was asked, He offered His assistance, but not before.

The cup and saucer were finally united. No longer brand new, each one with exterior chips and flaws, the two united.

They discovered that they were, indeed, a perfect match. Their designs were perfectly matched. The cup fit perfectly into the grooves of the saucer; it would no longer topple over. The saucer would no longer be covered roughly and damaged by a cup too large and heavy for her delicate nature.

They discovered, too, that where his outward flaws appeared was where she remained intact. Where her chips appeared was where he maintained strength. Where one had chinks in the armor, the other’s shield was still whole.

Although no longer shiny, bright (need comma) and new, the cup and saucer were made to be together. They rejoiced knowing that when his cup overflowed, she would be there to catch the drips.

Each of them had the creator’s mark, stamped upon them by the Potter. FROG – fully reliant on God.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Whatever  
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title: Review: Whatever by Oakes


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}


Title and Author: Whatever by Oakes

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
c:black}Your Words:
Review comments
My Impressions as I read:
Editing Suggestions:


Plot::
Young man is in love with a girl. She has just finally agreed to go on a date with him. All is not well

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
Excellent opening. The reader is pulled into the writing wondering why this word is important.

Characters Development:
You establish early we have two main characters, a man and a woman. The piece is very short but we do know they are young and the boy is in love with the girl.

Dialogue:
The dialogue is well planned out to make an impact.

Punctuation and Structure:
Structure is good. I have made my suggestions below.

Closing Statement
I love a good ending twist. You did a great job in spinning the reader in a different direction with no warning. Thank you for posting.

Starling




“Whatever,” she said with half a smile spread across her face. She was beautiful, with long dark hair and brilliant green eyes. You should have seen her. She had smooth skin as pale and iridescent as the moon shining over a snow covered (hyphenated) (Grammarly is also telling me to remove the word: a)landscape. She moved with a meaning. As she walked away from me I could sense her presence exiting the room. You could feel when she was around without even having to see her. She was wondrous.
“Then I’ll see you later tonight?” I asked her nervously as she turned the corner. (check to make sure you are clicking the “Preserve spacing” under “Advanced” at the bottom of the page where you post. Your paragraphs are all run together and it is difficult for the reader to keep track.)

She said nothing but the grin on her face widened as she disappeared from view.

When she was gone for sure I let out the greatest sigh the world would ever witness. Then I plopped down on the soft red couch in my small apartment and flicked on the TV, surfing through the channels for a while. I was elated that I had finally got a date with the girl I had obsessed over for so long. I had met her six years earlier at a friend’s house and ever since then I had longed for us to be together. When I had first looked into those gorgeous eyes, I knew we were meant to be. And when she first spoke to me, I was sure we were meant to be. It was obvious and I never had a doubt in my mind that it was untrue. The only problem with the whole situation was that she didn’t feel the same way about me; at least not quite the same way that I had been feeling about her. She liked me for a while, and she told me so every now and again, but I was never the spark to her that she was to me.

Time went on and we remained good friends for a long time. Occasionally we would get into a minor argument and stop talking for a few weeks but we would always some how (one word) end up friends again in the end. And I knew why, though she didn’t. Then we got in our biggest fight, don’t ask about what because I can’t remember for the life of me, but it just kept escalating until we stopped talking. And we didn’t talk for nearly six months. Then, one random day, she called me and asked if she could see me. We met at my apartment and talked and talked for hours. I told her how I felt and she told me how she realized that I was right and we were destined to be together. Then she agreed to go out to dinner with me. “What kind of restaurant?” I asked, “Japanese? Mexican? Italian?”

“Whatever,” she said with half a smile spread across her face...


I walked downstairs with a distinctive smirk upon my face and my car keys dangling in my hand. I was so happy. Nothing could ever ruin that feeling I had. It was dark out now and as I stepped out into the city air I could see bright lights flashing wildly. A bunch of cop cars were parked right across the street and a small crowd of people had gathered along the sidewalk. However happy I was, I was still curious as to what was going on across the street. (I would remove this “across the street” because you have already stated it in the previous sentence) I joined the few spectators who were already standing around and I made my way to the front of the small crowd at the edge of the caution tape. I stifled a scream. There only five feet away was the body of the only girl I had over loved laying face down in a pool of her own blood. I fell to my knees and clenched at my shirt and cried. She looked so peaceful yet so sad. No one around seemed to care.

I found out shortly after that, that (I would remove both words) she had been killed by a local gang member as some initiation right. The young man was caught and prosecuted and sentenced then released on good behavior five years early. I bought a pistol and shot him in the head the day he got out.

“I know this sounds strange, but this one seems like he’s actually trying to say something, Doctor.”

“Hmm,” said the doctor examining patient number six through the glass, “This is the one they caught attempting to kill that boy who had just got out of jail. He pulled out a gun but was brought down by some civilians before he actually got a shot off. Listen to him.”

They both stood quiet for a moment listening to the crazed man talk.

“Doctor, he’s just been saying the word ‘whatever’ repeatedly for the past ten minutes.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Waterfall  
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Review: Waterfall by Robert Edward Baker



The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.



Title and Author: Waterfall by Robert Edward Baker

Plot::
Leah Clearwater is a werewolf. Her job is to help protect vampires and other werewolves. She saves a girl and finds out she is her soulmate.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening pulls you into the story. There is immediate action. There is also just enough information to keep you reading to find out how it is going to end. The whole story is well structured with easy flow.

Characters Development:
Although there is not a lot of character description, such as looks, there is enough implied through the action and the dialogue for the reader to get a good idea of what type of people are being talked about.

Dialogue:
I had no problem following the dialogue. I always knew who was talking, which can sometimes be hard in a story.

Punctuation and Structure:
I found no problems with punctuation or structure. The author paid a lot of attention to details. There is a good amount of showing versus telling with is a hard trait to do.

Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading the story. Although I am not a big fan of vampires and werewolves the story made sense and held my interest. You show a lot of skill in your writing technique. Thank you for posing.

Starling


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Izumi´s fate  
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.
{/center}

Title and Author: Izumi´s fate by Izumi

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I read
Editing Suggestions


Plot::
Izumi is a young girl that helps save a young boy after an explosion. Later her body starts changing and she gets caught up in a battle.


Opening Sentence and Paragraph:

---Your opening paragraph does well at telling the reader something dangerous is happening.


Characters Development:
I think you could do a lot more with character development. We know basically nothing about Izumi or any of the other characters. We do know she is young because she is still in school.

Dialogue:
I am under the opinion English is not your first language. I applaud your ability to write the story. Some of the phrasings is different than what would be spoken. Maybe you could have some read the spoken words to you in your other language so you could tell what words maybe missing.

Punctuation and Structure:
---If you use a question mark, then you say the person asked.
---If you are going to mention a person said something you use a comma before the quote marks not a period
I would like to suggest you study some more information on punctuation. There are classes you can take on Writing.com to help with this.


Closing Statement
The story is interesting. You tend to leave out information the reader needs to know before you tell what is going on. Izumi is very accepting about all of a sudden being pulled into another world and having to be a superhero. I have also pointed out some questions in the main review.

You have a good start here. Keep going. One of the techniques I use is to read the story out loud to see what I may have missed. I understand this could be a problem for you. As I suggested above maybe you can have some read it to you in whatever language you use in everyday life.

Thank you for posting your writing.


Starling
-----------------------
After school Izumi went up What did she use to go up the building? Steps, elevator, ladder? You need to say how. the tallest building and sat down as it was a place that she would go when she needed to calm down. Then she heard a loud boom that shattered the fragile tranquility of the roof. Clouds of smoke covered the sky and in the distance plums of flames ominously flicked below the black vail. New paragraphShe felt like she should go and see if she could help so she ran as fast as she could as the building wasn't that far away. When she got there, emergency responders were already there. Izumi asked a police officer what had happened and he explained that a bomb had gone off. When the officer wasn't looking, she started to walk towards the building.

"Hey little girl you shouldn't get any closer you need to come back!" an officer said, but Izumi didn't listen.

"Hey there, you hear me!?remove exclamation point and space " Thelower case on the t officer yelled.

"Oh I heard you but I am choosing to ignore it." Izumi said in a sassy tone of voice and uppercase on s she had entered the building. Soon, the entrance collapsed along with the first floor. However, Izumi was already on the second floor that was when she heard crying, so she ran as fast as she could to the crying. When she finally found the source of the sound, she saw a little boy who looked to be six years old. Just as Izumi picked him up, he passed out from exhaustion. Izumi started to run to the closest window. She broke it and jumped out landing perfectly on her feet like a cat as she was part cat.

Izumi was limping and could barely stand but she was determined to get the young boy in her arms to safety. Izumi staggered, stumbled, and limped as she was determined to get to the paramedics. When she finally got to them and gave them the little boy. Comma not a period, lowercase on “s” She passed out and she was immediately brought to a hospital. New paragraphShe needed stitches in her right arm and leg as she had cut them pretty badly when she jumped out the window. She was in a coma for a while. The worst part was that everyone that knew her personally saw everything from the explosion to her shattering the window to her passing out. They were heartbroken as Izumi was the nicest person that they knew and she had helped several of her friends find love. Without her, things wouldn't be the same! So many people would die if she did. Everyone liked her and she was like their little sister. Izumi was the most important part of both of her families. After a whole month had passed, with no signs of waking up, the doctors were about to diagnose Izumi mentally brain dead. She jolted up and out of her month-long coma. Though Izumi's vision kept fading in and out she was definitely waking up.

"Hey, she is waking up!" a doctor said.

Though she was safe, Izumi didn't know what was happening and started panicking. She was scared.

"W-where am I-I? Who's there? W-what's h-happening?" Izumi saidasked while trying to fight back the tears.

Not even a minute passed before Izumi broke down sobbing. She didn't know what was going on.

"My little girl it's alright you're safeneed comma" a voice familier spelling error to Izumi said.

"Mom?" Izumi asked.

"Yes babyneed comma" Inko said.

"Why am I here Mom?" Izumi saidasked trying to calm down but it was really hard.

Then Inko left the room to make a call. "Hey Mitsuki.need comma not a period" Inko saidneed a period

"Oh hello, Inkoneed comma" Mitsuki saidneed a period

"So Izumi woke up today and she was really scared. Could you send Katsuki over here?"

"Oh of course"

Then Inko went back into Izumi's room and a few minutes later Katsuki got to the hospital.

"Hello sir, what can I help you with today?" a nurse saidasked .

"I am here to see Izumi Midoriya need comma" Katsuki said.

"Oh ok, she is in room 201need comma" the nurse said.

Then Katsuki went to Izumi's room. When he got there, just like he had been told, she was crying and looked very scared.

"Hey Izu" Katsuki said, in a calm voice.

"Kat!?" you use either the explanation poing or the question mark, not both together Izumi called out.

Use a new paragraph when someone else is talking. Two people can not talk in the same paragraph"Yeah that's me babeneed comma " Katsuki said and then went to sit on Izumi's hospital bed to comfort his girlfriend.

"Hey Izumi? Do you want a hug?" Katsuki asked and without giving a reply Izumi hugged her boyfriend and cried into his shoulderneed a period

"Yeah, that's it! Just let it out. It's okayneed comma " Katsuki said.

"Kat, I'm scared.need comma " Izumi said.

"It's alright Izu, I'm here. need comma not a period " Katsuki said.

"Kat I-I want to g-go home.need comma not a period " Izumi mumbled. After hearing this Katsuki had an idea and he pulled out a plushie and gave it to Izumi. She squeezed it and she started to calm down.

"Thank you Kat," Izumi said. "So when do I go home?" Izumi asked.

"Soon Izu, very soon.need comma not a period " Katsuki said. Izumi then yawned and her eyes started to get heavy as she was really tired from all her crying.

"You're tired, aren't you?" Katsuki saidasked Izumi yawned again.

"Yeah" Izumi said. And then she fell asleep.

"Ok, good, she's asleep now.need comma not period" Inko said.

Chapter 2 - Change

Izumi was released from the hospital and is now at home getting ready for school. Right as she is about to leave the house, Izumi sees her boyfriend and then runs up to him.

"Hey Kat.need comma not a period" Izumi said.

"Hey Izu.need comma not a period" Katsuki said,

Izumi gave Katsuki a hug and then they started to walk to school together.
"Almost there Izu.need comma not a period" Katsuki said.

"Ok Katneed comma" Izumi said.

After Izumi said that Katsuki picked her up and put her on his shoulders, his actions caused Izumi to giggle. Katsuki continued to walk to school. Halfway there Izumi fell asleep. Once on school grounds, some of Katsuki's and Izumi's friends ran to them.

"Hey Katsuki we saw the newsneed period and capital “I” is Izumi alright?" Denki asked.

"Why not ask her yourself.need comma not a period" Katsuki responded.

Katsuki bent down and woke Izumi up and she got off of Katsukis back.

"Denki has something to ask you.need comma not a period" Katsuki said.

"Ok well, what do you need to ask me Denki?" Izumi asked.

"Oh well I just wanted to know if you were alright.need question mark not a period" Denki asked.

"Well, I'm fine Denki need comma" Izumi said.

After all the questions the group of students went inside to their class. When they got to class the class representative walked up to Izumi.

"Izumi you're not hurt are you?" Ilda asked.

Izumi sighed "I'm fine.need comma not a period" she said.

After even more questioning, Izumi went towards her desk but half way This is oneword not twothere her eyes started to change green to red to white back to green. Izumi collapsed and fell to the ground and her body was very clearly shaking in pain. Then Katsuki ran to Izumi and lifted her head so he could try and see what was wrong with Izumi. When he did he saw that her eyes were changing colors.

"What's happening to her!?" Mina asked. use question mark OR explanation point

"I don't know..." Katsuki responded.

"What do you mean, you don't know.need question mark not period" Ilda repeated Mina's question.

"I SAID I DON'T KNOWneed exclamation point" Katsuki shouted. Normally you do not capitalize all the letters in writing. You say shouted and that would be enough. This is a writers choice though

Then Izumi's eyes went back to their natural green before changing to orange and for a while time seemed to stop. What felt like hours was really only one minute and after the period time stopped Izumi's eyes went back to green but something was off and her pupils were in the shape of a heart.

"What happened?" Izumi asked her boyfriend.

"I don't know?" Katsuki replied.

As Izumi started to get up purple mist or what Izumi referred to as the warp gate started to materialize and it is what Izumi called the warp gate. You are repeating the same thing twice. You need to rephrase the sentance. And Izumi was warped outside and not being used to the warp gates power she was temporarily blinded. When she finally managed to adjust she saw villains that she barely managed to take down, villains such overhaul, wolfram, and nine. But it was different then she had only one person that she needed to focus on then but now she had to focus on 3 of thenthem . Then her eyes turned white and she pulled out a flaregun and pull off a 20 round rapid fire in to into is one word the sky and within minutes news chopper’s where swerming the sky around the hero in training and the three villains.

“Need some helpneed question mark” a voice asked.

“Who’s thereneed question mark” Izumi asked.

“You’ll know only if you say s a specific phraseneed comma” the voice replied.

Being all too trusting Izumi nodded and then she raised her hand and called outneed period

“DEKU MATERIALIZEneed exclamation point” Izumi shouted.

A combo of red and green mist whirled and then a guy not that much taller then Izumi appeared.

You’reYour wish is my command... Mistressneed comma” Deku saidneed period how would she know his name. He needs to introduce himself to her somehow

Back in the classroom the others are looking for Izumi when they noticed the flair and hear Izumi scream.

“What that…need question mark” Ilda questioned.

remove spaceTHAT WAS ONE OF IZUMI’S FLAIRS.need exclamation point not period” Katsuki shoutedneed periodWhat is Izumi’s Flair? You have not explained this before using the words

“Cmon let’s goneed comma” Mina said before dashing out of the door with the others not far behind her. However it wasn’t long before Katsuki ran right past Mina, determined to protect his girlfriend at all costs.

Back down on the battlefield Izumi started to levitate a meter off the ground and only one thought had crossed her mind “I want katsuki” Need caps on name and period after the quotation marks

“Deku do you have any information or a way we can defeat them?” Izumi askedneed period

“Umm... no I do not but...” responded Dekuneed period

“But whatneed question mark” Izumi askedneed period

The two started to use a telepathic quirk to insure secrecyneed period “But form from the information I do have, there’s two traitors in the league of villains but I do not know exactly who they are.need comma not a period” Deku responded.

For a few minutes they were waiting for someone to make the first move and that’s when Deku Made lower case on madethe first move.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Starling
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"The Nymphs of Asthamie


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.



The Nymphs of Asthamie by Aminomina

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I read
Editing Suggestions


Plot::
Pilot picks up a shipment on a planet. The shipment turns out to me aliens. She tries to save them, but they seem intent on killing her.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The opening sentences put us immediately into the scene and explain what is happening. We immediately know it is sci-fi and there is going to be a problem.

Characters Development:
1 Margot - pilot of transport ship. It is established early she is kind and wants to be fair and not get involved in the transport.
2 Golan, the head security officer. Comes across as very gruff at first but my the end of the chapter we can conclude there is another softer side to his personality.
3 Niatha - the purple alien woman, comes across as weak, begging for help. By the end of the chapter, we are wondering if she is insane by human standards.


Dialogue:
There isn’t a lot, but all of it is well thought out, and falls in line.

Punctuation and Structure:
Shown below

Closing Statement
I am intrigued by this story. You have left enough of a cliffhanger to make the reader want answers to a myriad of questions. It was nicely done.

Starling
----------------------------------

Safely out of the planet’s atmosphere, Margot let off the throttle and turned on autopilot. Outside her viewport on the starboard side of the ship, she could see the transport security shuttle following close behind. With an OK over the radio, she turned off comms and leaned back in her seat. What a strange little planet.

The client’s security personnel had already been there when she landed and were overseeing the process. Some workers were misting the product with some kind of chemical in preparation of for loading it. Saplings, they looked like, but balled up at the bottom, as if the roots were clenched in a fist. They looked strange to Margot, like everything on the planet. The purple flora, the fluttering insects––for that was the only other life she could see––were somehow uncanny. And though she couldn’t explain it, the surrounding forest and low-hanging clouds felt more claustrophobic than the cockpit.

Golan, the head security officer, curtly motioned her over for instructions. They sternly reminded her of the importance of the product arriving intact, briskly assuring they would take care of any external threats and that her job was solely to take off carefully, land more carefully, and not muck anything up in between. Also, although it shouldn’t happen, if the product were to arrive in worse condition than it left, she should expect a significant cut to her pay and even legal action as necessary. Margot nodded respectfully. Even for a Drogan, they were insensitive and rude.
(need space between paragraphs) Setting an alarm for her next security check-in, she gazed at the abysmal sky for some time before getting up to stretch her legs. As she moved toward the back of the cockpit, she finally saw it, leaning against the back of her seat. But what was it doing there? The cargo hold wasn’t connected on the inside. Had it been put there by mistake? Or perhaps on purpose, as some kind of joke? Surely not. The workers had been very careful in loading them. And yet, there it was, as plain as day. A knobby, purple leafed (hyphenated) Asthamian laurel.

When she’d overcome overcame her initial curiosity over the situation, she began to wonder how she’d explain the sapling’s presence in her cockpit. Hiding it was certainly a bad idea. When she landed they would count the trees and look for the missing one. From the little information (comma) she was given she knew these trees were incredibly valuable. If they found it, the client may think she was trying to steal it. And even if she was upfront about its presence, it might seem like she was planning on taking it and then got cold feet. Still bad. She momentarily wondered if the Drogan had put it there to trip her up. In that case, doing anything about it would be taking the bait.

Inspecting the tree, it didn’t appear damaged to her, though she had to admit she didn’t know what to look for. She couldn’t leave it where it lay––how it managed so well during takeoff she didn’t understand, but she couldn’t risk it getting thrown about the cabin during landing. Carefully, she lifted the plant and set in it in the empty copilot seat, strapping it in gently as if it was a child.
(need space between paragraphs)Despite the anxiety of the situation, it was actually kind of comical, the tree sitting there at the controls, its limbs hovering over the buttons, levers (comma) and screens as if ready to take control of the craft. One acquired a strange sense of humor, sitting for long stretches of time with little to do but imagine. (the word “imagine” is not a noun. So “little to do but imagine (what?)...”) After some time, Margot found it entertaining to speak to the tree as if it were an imaginary copilot.
“What’s your name, kid? I can tell you’re new by that look in your eye. Say, that’s some mighty valuable cargo back there, are you sure you’re even qualified for this run?” She smiled and looked onward. “Oh don’t worry, you’re in good hands. I’ll show you the ropes, teach you all my tricks. By the end of this run (comma) you’ll be a better pilot than most.”


Margot awoke some time (one word) later to her alarm. Looking beside her, she found the other seat empty. Glancing over the ship’s displays, she turned on her comm (comma) and connected with the security ship.

ALL paragraphs must have a space between them. Every time someone else speaks or has an individual idea it is a new paragraph)

“TSS, (The first time you use an abbreviation you type out what it means. Example is United States (US). From this point on you can use US.) this is Margo speaking. Cargo is secure and all systems are normal.”
“Pilot, you sound anxious. Are you sure everything is alright?”
Margot looked back at the empty copilot seat. “There is no problem, Officer, I only had a strange dream.”
(need space between paragraphs)“Very well. TSS awaits your next check in (hyphenated).”

Just as Margot disconnected, she swore she felt something brush against her shoulder. Gingerly, she turned around to kneel in her chair, peering over the top. There, where first she had seen the plant, sat a spindly alien woman, naked and cowering in the corner. Slowly, Margot connected the pieces in her mind. Crouching, she approached the stowaway carefully. She removed her jacket and offered it to the woman, who pulled it over her rough purple skin like a blanket. Margot backed up and sat opposite her, behind the copilot seat.
ALL paragraphs must have a space between them. Every time someone else speaks or has an individual idea it is a new paragraph)
Motioning to herself, Margot uttered her name. The woman mimicked the action and said “Nistha.”
“Nistha,” Margot repeated, and her beady eyes widened. “Nistha, did they––” she pantomimed the spraying motion of the workers. “Did they do that to sedate them? To put them to sleep?”
The woman bared her teeth and pressed herself defensively against the wall.
“Oh, no, I’m sorry. You’re safe here with me, Nistha.”

Margot concluded the woman must have avoided sedation, either by splitting off from the group before loading or more likely, she stowed away for this very purpose: to reveal the horrible predicament of her friends to someone who might listen. At last (comma) Margot understood why the client had been so stingy with information. She was transporting slaves.

Immediately her heart told her to turn the ship around. Damn the consequences, she had morals after all. But she hesitated. Losing the pay she could deal with––the money was good, but she could recover it in time. What she feared was what measures the client may take to silence someone who knew what she now knew. Golan mentioned legal action, but she’d crossed that threshold now. She shuddered as she imagined her ship scrapped for parts and her frozen body drifting through the abyss, never to be seen again.

She felt now that she never should have taken this job, but then, what would that have changed? Someone else, in her place, would be left with the same grizzly decision. She observed her companion once more and pushed her fears to the back of her mind.
Margot pointed aft.
(Not a new paragraph) “Do you want me to take you home?” She motioned a ship turning around and landing with her hand. Nistha crawled over and grasped Margot’s the pilot’s feet, weeping. Margot lifted her up into an embrace. Her own fears were conquered, but she still had to find a way to escape from the transport security ship.

ALL paragraphs must have a space between them. Every time someone else speaks or has an individual idea it is a new paragraph)

“TSS, this is Margot speaking. I have a problem.”
What’s wrong?” She could tell it was Golan, and they he sounded frustrated.
“My AOA sensors are acting up. The ship is not safe to land.”
“Pilot, we spoke less than twenty minutes ago. When did your sensors start malfunctioning?”
“I’m not sure, officer. I may have overlooked them during our last check in (hyphenated).”
“Have you run ship diagnostics?”
“Affirmative. I think there’s something wrong with my hardware. Can you send someone over to look at it?”
“...TSS would like to ask if you can check the sensor yourself.”
“TSS, given the value of the cargo, I request one of your crew examine the sensor so the cockpit is not left empty.”
“...Very well. TSS approaching and sending crew member Volba to examine AOA sensors.”
At length, a tethered figure emerged from the airlock, propelling themselves towards the ship. Margot felt a click as the tether connected.
“Crew member Volba speaking, Left AOA sensor appears intact.” She made her way around the ship. “Right sensor also appears intact.”
Volba appeared in the viewport momentarily.

ALL paragraphs must have a space between them. Every time someone else speaks or has an individual idea it is a new paragraph)

“Crew member Volba speaking again. Who is the other person in the cockpit?”
“This is TSS speaking. Crew member Volba can you repeat?”
Margot pushed the throttle forward suddenly, sending the crew member hurtling backwards (no s). As the tether reached full tautness, the ship jerked and started towing the shuttle behind it.
“This is TSS speaking. What the hell is going on?”
“Margot speaking. TSS, the client has withheld important information regarding cargo. I no longer agree to transport.”
“TSS speaking. That is not a decision you can make right now.”
“Margot speaking. I have.”
“Margot! Stand down or we will open fire.”
In case you forgot, Officer Golan, this ship is carrying valuable cargo and that may not be a good idea.”
“...TSS crew member Volba, detach and return to the shuttle. I repeat, detach and return to the shuttle.”

Margot felt another click as the crew member and shuttle were released. Righting the ship, she sped past them and rerouted autopilot for Asthamie.
“Crew member Volba, return to the shuttle now. Margot, do not go back to Asthamie.”
TSS, our contract is broken and I will no longer be sharing route information with you.”
“Margot, it’s a trap.”
She switched off the comm.


Landing in a clearing some distance away from the loading dock, Margot and Nistha disembarked. Nistha’s people had been waiting, and she summoned them with a loud call. Margot opened the cargo hold, and one by one they carried away the saplings. Margot, too, they(caps) also guided Margot into the forest. Reluctantly, she followed.

After several hours of travel on winding footpaths, they arrived at a settlement. Preparations began immediately and Margot watched with curiosity and wonder as food was prepared, garments donned, and songs sung to rouse the sleeping trees.

Three great, round buildings dominated the village, their forms were hewn masterfully from the tallest trees of the forest. Smaller buildings swirled out from their centers, with wide boulevards between. Margot knew little about the design of cities, but to her eye, though technologically rudimentary compared to the spaceports of her own people, this place far outclassed them in elegance and beauty. Surely among these people were master artisans, for every structure, from the tiniest shelter to the greatest hall, was built with care and precision. They allowed her to wander somewhat freely, but she was stopped firmly from entering certain buildings. Eventually, she returned to the center of town, where preparations neared completion. (I would write: “where preparations had slowed.” Margot would not know if they were almost done. She has never seen this done before.)

There, a stout old Asthamian draped a white cloak upon her Margot’s shoulders and set a purple wreath upon her head. Then, without warning, someone firmly pulled her arms behind her and bound them at the wrist. Heart pounding, she was led into a structure she had not been allowed to enter before. To her abject horror, the floor was littered with skeletons, some Human, some Drogan, some completely unrecognizable. The putrid smell of raw, decaying flesh still clinging to the bones rose up and filled the room. All around her, the Asthamians began a rhythmic chant, and among the crowd, Margot thought she picked out the face of Nistha. The woman smiled, (no comma) but did nothing else to recognize her captive savior. Beneath the white cloak, Margot discreetly reached for her pilot’s knife.

She was set in the center of the room on her knees, and the chanting, now led by the decorated Asthamian who led her in, grew slowly shriller and louder until, at his swift command, the room fell silent. All beheld her, and sensing imminent demise, Margot hastily cut her bonds. Leaping to her feet, she made a break for the door. The Asthamians did not immediately pursue but allowed her to escape the building before following close behind.

The sun was setting and Margot couldn’t remember the way. Lifting her ship’s key, she set off a distress beacon. The red light glowed on the treetops in the East, and sprinting in that direction she made for the dark forest at the edge of town. The crowd behind her now jumped up and down with excitement, chanting louder still as if they relished in this unexpected chase. Enveloped by trees, the chanting seemed to fade; after some time she found she could no longer see the Asthamians behind her.

Passing through the bizarre alien foliage and leaving miles underfoot, she wondered if each shrub and vine might awaken and descend upon her. Banishing the thought, she pressed on. After nearly an hour, she reached her ship, boarded hastily, and dropped into the pilot’s seat, exhausted. The engines stalled. She tried again, (no comma) but to no avail. Of course. They had her trapped.

For a brief moment (comma) she cursed the forces that had led this to happen. She had only been kind, risked her own skin for the sake of good, and yet now, the very people she had saved pursued her with what she could only imagine was murderous intent. Looking out the viewport, she saw them emerge, slowly, from the forest. She left the ship and brandished her pilot’s knife with shaking arms. She vowed to herself, if somehow she were spared, she would never allow herself to be so foolish again.

They did not hurry, for they knew they had her now. Beginning their chant once more, they crept forward into the clearing. At last (comma) they came close enough for Margot to see their faces in the waning light. And on each one, she made out that same, horrible smile.

Suddenly the clearing was as bright as day. The shuttle descended, and a fine mist fell over the crowd. Their pace slowed, their joints locked up, and their purple flesh turned to wood. Some were close enough to clutch at her violently with their branches, but at last (comma) they all fell motionless. Margot’s attention returned to herself, and she realized she hadn’t made it out unscathed. She found deep bite marks on her arms and legs and the ceremonial cloak, still hanging around her shoulders, was soiled with blood. She collapsed.

The shuttle landed across the clearing and Golan made their his way through the trees, sighing deeply. “Come on, let’s get you fixed up.”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Starling
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"(NO)Vacancy, Chapter 1


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


(NO)Vacancy, Chapter 1 by RK Anderson

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words
My Impressions as I read
Editing Suggestions


Plot::
Elizabeth is taking her oldest daughter to a psychologist because of her grandmothers death. There is a very bad rain storm and they end up in an old victorian house for safety.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
The open sentences are well done, making the reader wonder why the mother is sitting at a light, and felt the need to rest her head on the steering wheel in despair.

Characters Development:
Elizabeth - mother
Paige - youngest daughter - accepting of daily circumstances - age 7
Rose - oldest daughter - angry and having a hard time accepting her grandmothers death - age 16
Grandma Kat - Katherine, passed away 2 weeks prior to trip

The main protaginist characters are all introduced. We can tell who each of them are and get a good feel for their temperaments. We don’t know if Elizabeth is alone in life (no significant other) but there is a feeling she is either a widow or divorced.


Dialogue:
The dialogue stays within character and helps to tell us more about each of the people involved, so far in the story.

Punctuation and Structure:
I have noted below, things I have found and suggestions. Structure is good. The story flows nicely with a good build up to a soon to come “ut oh” moments.

Internal thoughts are hard to put out there. Some will tell you to put in half-quotes, some say to just use italics, some say to use both. Italics alone seems to be the best liked idea in the writing classes I have taken.


Closing Statement
I enjoyed reading the story. You have a good opening leaving plenty of room for future problems to arise. You are letting the reader start to immage what could happen. I love the use of the old Victorian home (my favorite architecture) In the right setting they can be over the top creepy.

I suggest you introduce the horror aspect slowly and as subtlety as possible. Save any huge “in you face moments” for as close to the end of your story as possible.

I also suggest you read your story out load to yourself. It will help to catch any wording clitches which can come up in any tale.

I hope to read more of your story in the future.


Starling



---------------------------------
Rated: 18+ · Fiction · Supernatural · #2249992
Ch1: A family becomes lost in a sudden storm, seeking refuge in a hotel.

*The first chapter in my first attempt at writing. More chapters to come... maybe. Please, be brutally honest in your assessments. That's why I'm here. I can take it! Excuse any issues in my copy/paste from Scrivener*


Elizabeth lifted her head off the steering wheel.

They had been stuck at this red light for what seemed like an eternity, and now a storm was forming overhead. Perfect.

The light turns green.

“Jesus Christ… It’s about time,” Elizabeth mutters under her breath.

“It’s not nice to take the Lord’s name in vain, Mom. Gramma Kat always said so,” Elizabeth’s youngest daughter, Paige, stated matter-of-factly. Paige is a seven year-old (hyphonate) ball of fire with blonde hair and green eyes, just like her mother. Her eldest daughter, sixteen year-old (hyphonate) Rose, was staring ou the conversation at hand.

“Well, Gramma Kat knows that I’m very sorry,” Elizabeth said, feigning empathy for her mother. Gramma Kat, or Katherine to the adults in her life, had been dead for two weeks. Both of Elizabeth’s children were close to Gramma Kat, but Rose had a special relationship with her grandmother. The funeral was quick and quaint, just the way Katherine had wanted it. The problem with quick, quaint funerals is that they don’t leave a lot of time for mourning and processing for youths. Unlike their adult counterparts, kids haven’t yet been formally acquainted with death.

This was the purpose of their trip today; mourning. Or (comma after morurning, lower case on or) more specifically, closure after mourning. Elizabeth was driving with her children to see a psychologist for Rose. After Katherine died, Rose had been struggling. She wasn’t eating much, wasn’t applying herself in school. Her world had been put on pause.

Traffic was starting to (add word) lurch forward just as the first big drops of rain hit the windshield of their sensible SUV.

“Wow, this looks like it might get bad (worse as replacement word?),” Elizabeth said as she turned her eyes briefly toward the darkening sky before refocusing on the traffic in front of her. The rain was falling steadily harder as they continued south along 127 toward Monroe. If the rain wasn’t bad enough, a sudden wind began to blow out of the west. Elizabeth could feel it gently pushing her maroon SUV toward the center line (one word).

“Mom, is Gramma Kat still in heaven?” asked Paige from the back seat, her pale green eyes fixated thoughtfully on the storm above.

“Yes, she is,” answered Elizabeth in a tone that was sweet, (no comma) but not condescendingly so. “She’s in heaven with grandpa Bob and Taffy.” Taffy was Paige’s goldfish. She won the small, orange (add comma) and black-speckled creature with comically bulbous eyes at the fair last summer. Taffy had been doomed from the moment she (or maybe he?) was placed in that plastic bag. Not without purpose, Taffy had helped Elizabeth teach her daughter about death. The plan must have been a success, (no comma) because Paige appeared to be maintaining quite well after losing her grandmother.

‘I probably should’ve gotten Rose her own Taffy,’ Elizabeth thought ruefully to herself. She did not have a good relationship with her late mother, (no comma) but kept things cordial for the children. It didn’t help matters that her years spent as an emergency room nurse had desensitized her to death and dying. Feigning empathy for the countless, faceless patients that passed though through her ER almost came naturally now. She had grown adept at coaching the families of strangers through the beginning stages of grief and loss, but none of them had been as difficult as her stone-faced daughter, Rose. ‘I am a terrible person.’ It wasn’t Rose’s fault that she was struggling with loss. She’s just a kid. This is the first time she has had to stare down her own mortality.

“What do you think Heaven is like?” Paige continued, apparently having been left unfulfilled by her mother’s my (you have been talking as if everything is being seen through Elizabeth’s eyes, not someone elses) answer.

“Well, I think Heaven is what you make it, honey,” Elizabeth replied, as Paige kept inquisitive eye contact in the rear-view mirror, a rapt expression on her small face. Elizabeth could tell another question was coming.

“… but what do you think Gramma Kat’s (not italic) Heaven is like?”

Elizabeth had to take pause. This was a tough question. Her gut said ‘Gramma Kat’s Heaven is filled with cheap tequila and Tom Selleck lookalikes,’ but her kind heart for her daughter won the day.

“Gramma Kat’s Heaven is filled with pictures of her grandbabies, and all the Sudoku puzzles she could ever want,’ (double quote marks) Elizabeth said in a way that came out sounding more forced than she had intended. It was a weak offering, but it appeared to appease Paige, for the moment.

Appearances can be deceiving.

“But, how does Gramma Kat know that you’re sorry for taking the Lord’s name in vain if she’s in Heaven?” Paige asked, genuinely perplexed.

“Gramma Kat, well, she has a hole she can see us through. She can look down and see us right now,” Elizabeth offered, almost positive that she had just referenced an old country music song.

“Oh my god! Can you both stop!” It was Rose, who had taken a break from her headphones, if they were ever plugged in at all “stop feeding her that bullshit, Mom! Gramma Kat’s fucking dead! There isn’t a Heaven, and she can’t see us!” Rose cried, now choking on tears between short gasps. “Just drop it…” she finished after a brief pause, glaring at her mother’s reflection in the rear-view mirror, dark brown (hyphonated) wisps of hair falling around her cold, blue eyes. They were her grandmother’s eyes, and seeing them set in such familiar judgment sent a subconscious chill through Elizabeth’s very being.

Rose put her headphones back on and turned toward the window in a huff. Paige looked at her mother in the rear-view mirror and then slowly turned toward her own window. Elizabeth could see small tears tracking down her cheek.

‘This shrink visit could not get here soon enough.’ (I don’t think you need the single quote marks here since you have it in italics.) Elizabeth though thought to herself above (I would use “in” not “above” here. To me it reads smother.) the painful silence.
(need indent or space between this and previous paragraph) Overhead, the rain was only (remove word) getting worse. Elizabeth could barely make out the white lines on the edge of the road. (I like that you point out she is paying attention to the lines on the side of the road and not the ones in the middle. I do the same thing.) The windshield wipers whipped the rain off in thick sheets on the highest speed setting, but they couldn’t keep up. The wind picked up, howling through the trees that lined the road. She was getting nervous; she had never been on this stretch of road, nothing looked familiar.

“Everyone has their seatbelt on, right?” Elizabeth asked, trying to mask her nervousness. Paige nodded without looking away from the window. Rose also maintained her window gaze, obnoxiously thumbing her shoulder strap into view of the rear-view mirror and letting it snap back across her chest in dramatic fashion.

(In the beginning you have her in traffic, now I get the feeling she is on a paved back road, possibly 2 lane. Was this the feeling you were going for? Maybe you could mention she was between towns. I don’t know about 127 but you might want to add a small blurb about it being an interstate or road connecting two towns.)

‘I wonder if we’re driving through a tornado’ Elizabeth thought, the sky now so dark that it seemed much later than the noon-time hour she knew it to be. She had always heard that it got dark during tornados. Having now thoroughly freaked herself out, Elizabeth was looking for places to pull over and wait out the storm. Preferably somewhere with a basement, just to be safe.

“Kids, we’re going to look for a spot to pull over and wait for the storm to pass.”

“OK, Mom,” Paige said, still looking out the window.

“Whatever. (comma) ” Rose dryly scoffed. She wasn’t particularly looking forward to this appointment, anyway. According to the wise Rose, shrinks … Shrinks were for the weirdos in school. The outcasts, the cutters, the losers, the drinkers, those kids. Not her.

Elizabeth scanned left and right, now slowing her driving to a crawl. To go much faster would spell certain disaster.
(need indent or space between this and previous paragraph) ‘How did it get dark so goddamn fast?’ She thought to herself. Even the trees on the roadside were now obscured by the wind and rain, both of which continued to beat the shit out of her poor, sensible (remove the word. You have already mentioned this above. It sounds like “sensible” is a make of the SUV) SUV. The deafening pounding of the rain on the thin aluminum roof and the constant push of the wind was were becoming more and more unnerving.

“Mom! Look! There’s a light!” Paige exclaimed, pointing excitedly at her window.

Elizabeth looked to her right and sure enough, there it was; a faint, yellow-white glow in the distance. The light looked like it might require a right-hand turn at the next intersection. As they drew closer to becoming parallel with the light in the distance, an intersection came into view. There was no street sign, just a broken, dilapidated-looking stretch of pavement trailing off to the right of the main road. Elizabeth steered the SUV onto the side road and continued at her snail’s pace toward the light. The rain was falling faster now, and the wind more aggressive. The car was rocking with each gust. Her children were now concerned, but their frightened (My editing program suggests using ‘fightening’ here, but I can’t decide if it would be what you want. It depends on what you hear in your head when you read it.) chittering to each other was drowned out by the impossibly loud rain.

Just ahead, the light gave way to a shape; it was a large, Victorian-styled building with a blue sign out front. The blue sign was in the shape of an arrow, with the fletching pointed toward the sky, and the arrowhead end finishing in a dramatic swoosh gesturing toward the building.

(NO)Vacancy

The vacancy portion of the sign was set alight in a soft, red glow, while the NO just before it was left unlit. Elizabeth’s inner voice exclaimed in delight.

‘A hotel! A big, sturdy building that surely has a basement!’

Elizabeth pulled into the first parking spot available among the other vehicles taking refuge from the storm and looked toward the hotel. The front of the building had an elongated carport leading up to the glass double doors. The covered walkway would hopefully provide some shelter for part of their run.

“OK, kids!” Elizabeth shouted to her children over the drumming rain and bashing wind “We’re going to run for the door, OK? Rose, hold your sister’s hand!”

Paige scooted closer to Rose’s door (remove the apostrophe s and the word door. Rose is between Paige and the door so she would scoot up to Rose.) and clasped her hand, nervously awaiting the drenching sprint ahead. (I would put a period after hand and remove the rest of the sentence. Your main point of view, POV, has been through Elizabeth’s eyes. Her you switch to inside Paige’s head. Think of POV as looking through a camera lens. You can only see what it sees. You have done very well with this concept.)

“Go! Go! Go!” Elizabeth shouted as she opened her door and immediately turned to the back passenger door behind her to help Rose and Paige out of the SUV. Paige was crying, but Elizabeth couldn’t hear her over the wind and rain. She grasped at Rose’s hand, and once she had a firm grip, she ran toward the door with her children in tow.

They reached the carport, but it offered little shelter; the wind was blowing the rain in sideways. The trio trudged onward in an awkward half-walk, half-jog toward the welcoming light of the doors. The warm glow of the interior lights shone brightly off of the brass accents of the handles and the gold-leaf script on the antique glass doors. The decadent cursive, adorned with delicate swoops and swirls read The Elysium (not italizied) (This is an interesting name choice. It will be interesting to see if you carry the Greek conception through the story)

They had reached the door. Elizabeth grabbed the handle and pulled the heavy wood-framed door with her right hand, trebucheting (I had to look this word up to get the meaning. It is effectively used, but may throw your reader off and out of the scene you are building.) the children into the safety of the foyer with her left.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of From Beyond  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"From Beyond


The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with the intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings {huser:Purple Princess}

From Beyond by Purple Princess


Plot::
Michelina has lost her husband Cooper, several months earlier. She thinks she might be going crazy because she keeps seeing Cooper in her dreams and feels his presence sometimes.

Hook:
Michelina visits a medium.

Characters Development:
Michelina - widow looking for answers and valadation
Cooper - deceased husband
Judy - claraboiant
There is not a lot of character development. We know Michelina is distraught at the death of her husband. Judy is being presented as a reliable medium. Cooper is being presented as a visiting ghost.


Dialogue:
Minimal dialogue given. What is written though seems naturally spoken.

Punctuation and Structure:
Great joy on checking for Punctuation and story structure.
… Any crystal ball, gypsy need comma or tarot card reader
… which meant Cooper was here, standing behind me likeas she said.
… because just hearing the word play (one word)}/c} sent naughty thoughts

Closing Statement
I love the insert you added to show Cooper talking to Michelina in her sleep. This was interesting to read. My husband passed away about 20 years ago, and he still visits me in my dreams. Thank you for sharing.

Starling


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of The Handkerchief  
Review by Starling
Rated: E | (4.5)
Normally I don't read much which is considered poetry. I adored this short poem though. You were able to use very few words to tell a story which easily allowed my brain to picture.

I'm thinking your picture is original also, You have a lot of talent.

Thank you for sharing both.
25
25
Review of October Years  
Review by Starling
In affiliation with CLOSED GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review: October Years by Dr. Williams

Plot:
Thoughts of a man looking back on life and hoping for a better future.

Suggestions:
I am not a very political person. I am also in my October years and when I look back I also see a gentler time, but I was also young and didn’t realize what was going on around me, I suppose. When I look back now I see a time when there was no instant communication like today with the age of computers. We depended on the newspapers and the virgining television to tell us what was happening in the world. There was just as much poverty. There was just as much crime. There was just as much hunger. We just as a society didn’t know about it.
We had wars, each which were said to be worse than the last. My father was in WWII and came home injured. My husband was in Vietnam and although he didn’t have physical injuries, his mental injuries were hard for me and the family to deal with. (By the way I was married for 30 years to the same man, before he passed away in 2002)
I think if you were to put your very real statements into a time capsule and open it after another 30 years what you have said would sound like what the world thought was modern day. The only thing we can do is try and change out little part of this world. Make it better and hopefully join it with others trying to do the same thing, making the area bigger.
Thank you so much for posting. Take care.
Jane


Red = grammar mistakes
Green = Comments
Blue = suggestions

I hope I have been helpful. Any suggestions made are my own personal feelings I plan on keeping up with the story.

Ask anyone who has reached that certain age if they are better off than their parents were. In this age when refined etiquette and dapper sophistication are sadly missing one who has attained that milestone of longevity many would be hard pressed to say that they are better off than their parents. The golf cart reality of my generation long for the days of all those yesteryears of long ago. Now, more than a half century latter we find ourselves perplexed, filled with bewilderment of how things have turned upside down.

When I was a young man many of the hopes and dreams I had were diminished by circumstances beyond my control. It is truer today than ever before. Now, that I am an old man with brittle bones I have little hope for those who are just starting out that their hopes and dreams materialize. The world today is filled with tremors of impending disasters. For those impoverished millions their cries of anguish have always falling on deaf ears. Though, I consider myself lucky to have weathered the storms of life. I have aged with some dignity and grace. But, in all my years I am truly saddened by what I see around the world today. For those who could affect change to improve our quality of life too often fall short.

For all that man has accomplished in the fields of technology, medicine and science (comma) millions the world over have yet to be beneficiaries of all that man has developed. Too often the greed of man diminishes the chances that others could reap the benefits of all that man has invented. It never ceases to amaze me that when opportunities to negate the carnage that man and nature continues to inflict those that can influence the changes necessary for the betterment of mankind are too self absorbed in their own greed to implement the reforms and policy directives that would elevate everyone's quality of life.

It is in these October years of my life that many of us find it increasingly more difficult jut (spelling) to make it through another day. I have witnessed great ideals flourish only to have them wither and die on that vine of lost opportunities. The moral compass that guided this nation ever since our founding has been trampled on by a nation that is now so divided. Divided by leaders who continue to defy that moral compass that steadied this nation for over 200 years and through two world wars.

October of 2018 marked a low point in Americas (needs an apostrophe before the *s) history. It only reaffirmed the tragedy of the past two years of an Administration that has transformed Americas (needs an apostrophe before the *s) greatness to one of corruption and intimidation. For all virtues that we have held dear in the past have been striped away by a political process that has become even more corrupt. Never before have we seen such a reversal of fortunes at such an alarming pace. The four principles of our founding Liberty, Justice, Morality, and Education have all been trampled on by our leaders of political expediency and a President who cares not for truth, justice and the American way.

As October gives way to November I can only hope that November of 2018 will bring about the changes we so desperately need. What many of us fear is that an opportunity to effect change will only continue the status-quo. And, for millions their hopes and dreams will continue to wither and die from a self serving government and President. If that happens the America that our grand fathers (one word) and fathers knew will become unrecognizable and our world will forever be darkened. For those of us that long for those carefree days of a time where so many fond memories were made we continue to survive in hopes that better days are not to far ahead.
139 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/pager