Choconut's (purplesunday) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,186 Public Reviews Given

2,205 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.

I'm good at...

I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.

Favorite Genres

Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.

Least Favorite Genres

Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.

Favorite Item Types

Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.

Least Favorite Item Types

Chapters from the middle of books.

1

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4817256

Review of A Little White Lie

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi AmyJo-Downhill slide begins!

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I like the direction you took this prompt. It's really clever, and not something that would have occurred to me. But, really, it is the most famous little white lie ever told: the cunning serpent who tricked Eve into eating the apple. I really like the way the serpent "croons" and appears smooth and confident in its ability to convince Eve to take that first bite.

I love the way you use shorter lines in the fifth verse. They also rhyme perfectly. It makes time seem to speed up, and it reflects really nicely how things sped out of control once that initial sin was committed. A different path was taken, and there was no turning back.

I love the final verse. The end-of-line rhymes rounds off the poem really well, giving hope in their message. After telling us that our lives have been redeemed with Christ's love, this final verse shows how we have so much love once more if we trust in the Lord. It is a comforting thought.

Suggestions:

My only niggle is the rhythm of some of the verses. You have an abcb rhyme scheme throughout (except for the last verse), and this helps to give a good flow of the words. However, the rhythm doesn't quite work in some of the verses. The fourth verse, in particular, threw me off a bit. The two shorter lines don't have enough beats. Because the rhythm is uneven, it means that whenever I got up a rhythm going in my head, I stumbled over a line that didn't fit.

Parting comments:

I really enjoyed this poem. I love the story that is told. It is one of redemption and love, even though the lie it describes is one of the biggest betrayal ever. It's a great poem.

Choconut

Purple Panther sig. 2. Gifted by [Link To User tblakely5] .

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

2

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14 days may be credited.

#4802132

Review of Interview with the Devil

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Weirdone-Back in the games

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for "I Write in 2025" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I love your humour! This keeps the scene moving at a good pace, and it made me laugh out loud at times. It's very funny, very tongue-in-cheek.

I really like how you normalise the situation. The narrator is sitting down to drink coffee with the devil, and it could be their next door neighbour for how calm they are. The kinds of things that the narrator picks up on made me laugh. The first thing they notice is that the devil isn't red, and isn't even wearing red. This, to the narrator, is unbelievable. I love the devil's response: "The red suit is kind of last century." That really made me laugh.

I couldn't believe it when I got to the part where you mention Satan being an anagram of Santa. Like, how did I never notice that before? That's brilliant! (Personally, I always had my suspicions of the latter. But I digress.) I have to say, your last line made me both groan and chuckle at the same time. "De devil is in details."

Suggestions:

I did wonder how the devil came to be sitting in this person's house, drinking a hot beverage with them, discussing all the parts of their life. I know you say, "Don't ask how. That's a complicated story unto itself." in relation to how Satan is there. But, I want to know how. I think that would be an interesting story in itself. And, surely, the narrator would be a little apprehensive of the fellow who personifies evil. But they aren't. It's all very normalised. I just think it could have had a bit more danger to the conversation. You could have kept the humour. Because that is fantastic.

Just a couple of typos: "... i was seated in my apartment ..." It should be a capital I. Also, "... instead of despairing like their supposed to ..." It should be they're. Lastly, "I guess on of the things ..." It should be one.

Parting comments:

I really enjoyed this short story. I loved the humour with which you wrote of the devil and the narrator sharing a coffee. It's very funny.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

3

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14 days may be credited.

#4799498

Review of Arrowing is Harrowing

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi THANKFUL SONALI Magical Days!

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for "I Write in 2025"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I found this a really interesting poem. I have to confess, arranged marriages aren't really something I've thought much about before, but this poem intrigued me. It states the case for finding a partner with your head, not your heart. And, honestly, that probably is a more stable basis from which to start. Our hearts, and those arrows the little fellow fires, tend to make rash decisions. Not always, but it happens.

The rhythm is really good for the first two verses, with the aabb rhyme scheme. It is a great way to start the poem as it is easy to read and enjoyable. The third verse, with the differing rhyme schemes, is a little less smooth. It threw me a little because I'd picked up a good, even pace with the first two verses. In the final verse, you revert to the aabb ccdd, etc. rhyme scheme, and I was back in the zone again.

Although I mentioned the third verse not being as smooth, I love the content of it. The way you reference Tina Turner, and throw in her song, 'What's Love Got To Do With It'? That is really clever. I think my favourite line, though, is: "To find the groom - farmer, tailor or baker!" That made me chuckle.

Suggestions:

Only that I would change the third verse and make it fit with the rest of the poem. Unless it is a specific form that requires that. Although, I don't think it is because you haven't stated that. But it does throw off the rhythm and pace of the poem. Also, this line in the second verse seems a little uneven: "Let's get the community matchmaker."

Parting comments:

This is a really good poem. It is enjoyable, made me smile, but also made me think about a subject I hadn't really considered before. Nice work.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

4

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14 days may be credited.

#4792149

Review of Blogocentric Formulations

for entry "Bingeworthy"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Jeff

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for the final week of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

Firstly, I see that this is Day 3,701 of writing this blog for you. Wow! That's quite some dedication. It made me think, before I started to read your entry, that you would have the determination and staying power to binge read and watch things all the way through. And I think, now I have read this, I'm right.

It is always interesting to read other people's perspectives on reading, TV watching, life in general. It's interesting to read how other people do it. I'm impressed that you manage to binge read whole series. I can't do that. It doesn't matter how much I enjoy the books, I need a change after each one. My concentration just isn't that great, I guess. We do tend to binge watch TV shows, though. We just finished watching all seventeen seasons of 'Criminal Minds' about a month ago. We'd seen the first fifteen before, but not the two new ones. And we didn't want to watch the new ones without seeing the ones leading up to it, so we watched every episode. Was it worth it? I'm not sure. I don't know about you, but I sometimes find we will watch a couple of seasons of a multi season show, then decide we want a change. So we binge on something else for a while, then come back to the original one, but can't remember where we left it. So we start again, and a couple of seasons in, we want a change. And the cycle begins again, and we never get any further!

It's good that you've learned to ditch books or TV series when you feel like you're not enjoying them. I totally get that feeling of not wanting to waste any more time on them. Sometimes, you just have to acknowledge that life is too short.

Suggestions:

It is hard to offer suggestions in a personal essay like this. There is nothing you need to add. You have answered the question perfectly. I did spot one typo: "but with each book coming it at over a thousand pages" It should be "in."

Parting comments:

This is a fascinating read. Your blog entries are always interesting. I feel like I get to know a little more about you with each entry I read. Nice work.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4789778

Review of I Write - Decade Edition - Roaring 20's

for entry "Make Each Day A Masterpiece "

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi 💙 Carly: poems & novel

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" as part of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I really like the positivity in this poem. Your message that everyone is the master/mistress of their own lives, the artist of their own canvasses, is such a joyful sentiment. That's such a lovely way of thinking of our lives.

I like how you take the prompt, of making each day our masterpiece, and carry it through the poem. Your references to art and painting and "bringing the senses alive" is very warm, and it pulls us inside the poem with you.

You have a great rhythm through the verses, and this is partly thanks to your aabb, ccdd rhyme scheme. That makes the poem so easy to read, and it gives it a great fluidity and flow. I read it out loud, and really does flow off the tongue. Great stuff.

Suggestions:

The only suggestion I have is more applicable if you ever wanted to rewrite this. It's not something you need to do for improvement. I would maybe try to change the repetition of "each day" in every line of the first verse. I understand why you have written this, because it does underline your message that each day is the chance of something new, of a better start. But when you use "each" at the start of a sentence in the second verse also, it feels like a bit too much. So, I would try to change up the first verse a little. You could do this without changing the meaning or the power of the poem. Something like, "Each day is fresh and new / With open arms, it welcomes you." Just a thought.

Parting comments:

I really enjoyed reading this poem. You have some great imagery, a wonderful rhythm, and a fabulous message at its core. Great work!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

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14 days may be credited.

#4789439

Review of Blogocentric Formulations

for entry "Out of the Past"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Jeff

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" as part of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I, too, love this prompt for your blog. And I love, even more, that you can't pin it down to one special year you would want to relive again. You obviously put a lot of thought into your answer. As I read the prompt, my thoughts went straight to which year was the most awesome, one that I would want to experience again. I didn't even consider the other options of years that could have changed your life. You've got me really thinking about this question now.

I was moved by your wish to spend more time with your mother before she passed away. It is so hard to have feelings of "If only" after someone dies. But, I think, everyone probably has them to some extent. And hindsight is a wonderful (if, sometimes, heartbreaking) thing. Time lost that can never be regained is a sucker punch, isn't it?

I could relate very much to your wanting to go back to High School, just as you were finding yourself and becoming confident. I would love to go back to my last few years at school. Actually, any year at school would be good. I was one of those weird kids who loved school and loved to learn. I also loved spending time with my friends. That was a big draw.

Suggestions:

I don't have any suggestions for improvement. How can I? These are your personal thoughts and memories. I think you've done a great job with the prompt, answering fully in every way. I guess, the flip side to the prompt is: What year would you never want to revisit? But that's for another blog post.

Parting comments:

I really enjoyed reading your post and getting to know a little more about you. I'm sorry you lost your mum in 2020. I know it's four years ago, but it's not something that ever goes away, is it?

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4788544

Review of Contest Entries

for entry "A Shadow in the Mist"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Heat On

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for Week 48 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I really liked the way you showed the grey, rainy day with Roger's glasses getting wet and having drips on them that he needs to wipe off. This adds to the feeling of him not being able to see very much ahead of him, therefore, adding to his vulnerability. And then, you mention monsters, and we wonder what on earth will happen to Roger. I like it.

I love Gurgle. He seems like the cutest monster ever. And, he has lost his family and doesn't know how to get home again. I really felt for Gurgle. Even his shape, of being small and round, makes him seem adorable.

I do like the intrigue of Alex. Who is he? Why does he suddenly appear. However, I would want to know more about him for his appearance to make sense. I think he needs a bigger story.

Suggestions:

I didn't understand the ending of this vignette. I appreciate it doesn't necessarily need a beginning, middle and end as a vignette, but introducing another character out of the blue is more of a teaser to another story than a scene that can stand in its own. Unless I'm missing something (which is possible). Also, I wasn't sure about the POV switch from Roger to Gurgle. I think the whole piece in Third Party omniscient, but it doesn't read as such at the beginning. It reads as though Roger is the narrator, but then it switches to Gurgle, and that pulled me out of the story initially.

Parting comments:

This is an enjoyable vignette. Congratulations for writing succinctly and descriptively. Nice work.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

8

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14 days may be credited.

#4787249

Review of The Magical Dragon and the Wishes

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Heat On

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for Week 47 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I loved Marley! He is so cute. I really like the flash of light and bright colours associated with him. It is all very magical and uplifting.

The different take on the genie in a bottle works really nicely. I wasn't expecting the three wishes that Sandy was granted. I liked them though, and I was eager to discover what she would wish for. I thought she might waste her wishes and come to regret it, but actually, the opposite happened.

I loved how Marley said that, because Sandy had used her last wish on a selfless wish, she could probably have three more. What a great moral; that it is best to do things for others whenever we can.

Suggestions:

I did wonder how old Sandy is. She seems to be a kid, judging by her first two wishes. But this made me wonder where her parents are, and why she is at home alone. I also have a couple of gramatical suggestions. Firstly, "But then, again, the temperature was just right for a lizard to thrive." The first comma should be before then, not after. Also, you could reword this to be a little smoother: "On the place where the egg was was a dragon!" The two wases are a bit much. You could fix it by changing the second one to "stood."

Parting comments:

I enjoyed your story. I think the character of Marley is fabulous, and I fell in love with him, I'll be honest. I liked the wishes that Sandy chose, and I really hope she gets to play her flute. Nice work.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4785222

Review of I Write In 2019 and 2024 to....

for entry "Words Like Falling Leaves "

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi 💙 Carly: poems & novel

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for Week 46 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

What a delightful little poem! I love the imagery you have used of words falling and tumbling like leaves from a tree. This fits well with the autumnal feeling we have at the moment. At least, over here, we do. I especially love your description of catching some of the falling leaves but letting others fall to the ground. It's like you have learned when to listen and when to let people's words slide off you. I think it can take us a lot of years to learn how to do that, so I love your image of just letting them slip. Then, you mention them crunching beneath your feet, and it feels defiant. As though you are saying goodbye to the hateful, undermining words. Love it.

You mention the aroma of leaves setting your mind into a story frame, and I could really relate to that. I think smell is the most evocative of all the senses. It has a way of taking us back to a certain place in time. It cn be good, but it can be bad sometimes, too.

I like the way you show us your words dancing and forming themselves into a poem. This is exactly how it works. The words just slot into place. My hubby thinks I'm odd because I often say I see in words. But I always have, so I don't think it's weird at all. I love the last line, where you say the words are, "caught up into my design." That's beautiful.

Suggestions:

I guess my only suggestion goes back to the aroma of the crunching leaves. You tell us there is an aroma, but you don't describe it at all. You could do quite a lot if you were to describe the woodland scents.

Parting comments:

This is a lovely poem. Really enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4784448

Review of Castle's Chessboard

for entry "Die With a Smile / Joker 2 Review"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi KingsSideCastle

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is written for Week 45 of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I was really interested to read your blog entry. I haven't seen this film yet, but it is on my Wishlist. I loved the first Joker movie. I thought Joaquin Phoenix was incredible. He really pulled on my heartstrings, and I found myself thinking about him for quite a while after the movie ended. So, yes. I want to see this movie, too, even though it didn't have particularly good critics' reviews. What do critics know, right? Don't worry. You didn't spoil the ending for me. I had read somewhere that this was how it ended. It is disappointing, that's for sure. I still don't know how he dies. So that's good.

I also hadn't heard this song before. I like both Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga, so I was intrigued to give it a listen. It's really a beautiful song, isn't it? It could (maybe, should) have been written primarily for use in this film. I love the YouTube link that you've given, where we can see what it would have looked like if It were used in the movie. It looked perfect. As though it was always intended to be used for that purpose.

Reading your blog has made me want to watch the movie even more. Joaquin Phoenix is so completely perfect for this role. I have to confess to not watching any other superhero movies. I don't enjoy that genre. But the Joker movies are more about human characters and their feelings and frailties, and that really interests me. I think I will have to wait until the movie is free to stream in this country, but it is something to look forward to.

Suggestions:

I can't say I would change anything about this. It is your own, personal thoughts about the featured song and movie. There are a couple of places I would check for grammar mistakes, but they don't detract from the writing at all.

Parting comments:

Thank you for introducing me to this lovely song. (I missed it on the newsfeed, somehow.) You have confirmed that I want to watch this movie as soon as I possibly can. Great stuff!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4783600

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ God Is... ~"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi ruwth

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for Week 44 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

It is always interesting to read about the faith that other people have. And your essay is no exception. Your absolute faith in God is a joy to read. I can tell that it brings you enormous comfort, and I think that is one of the most important things about faith. The togetherness it brings is wonderful. To know you are never alone is fantastic.

A weird thing happened as I was reading your essay. I found myself feeling quite emotional. As I read your words about having "peace that passes understanding" I had a lump in my throat. This reminded me of my Mum and the faith that she had until the day she died. She taught Sunday school in her younger days, but aged twenty-six she was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and it quickly became severe. Despite having many operations and being in constant pain, and despite losing her husband, and despite spending the last three years of her life bed-ridden, she never lost her faith. Her love for Jesus shone, and she was just about the most contented person I've ever known. And that is the power of faith. Yes, your essay reminded me of my Mum. It is a beautiful memory.

I read the poem, 'My Psalm,' that you linked in the essay. I know it's not part of the review for I Write, but I just want to say it is wonderful. I really like that you linked it. It is an excellent addition to this essay.

Suggestions:

I guess my only suggestion is I would have liked to read even more of your reasons for telling us that you believe in God. Like, maybe, some examples of times He has helped you through, and some times He has added to happiness. I know that may be a bit more personal, and I understand if you wouldn't want to. As I said in the beginning, it just interests me to read about others' faith.

Parting comments:

This is such a great read. Thank you for reminding me of my mother and what an amazing lady she was, and thank you for reminding me of her faith.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4782972

Review of God Only Knows

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Amethyst Angel 🌼

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

Wow. What a powerful story! You hooked me right at the start, and I tore through the story, wanting to know if Beth would make it through. I didn't even make any notes the first time I read this. I was lost in the story. Your main character is so relatable, and I just wanted to give her a big hug and look after her. You have written her with warmth and honesty. She leaps off the page as a real person. I can't praise you enough for the way you have written Beth.

When I first read this, I loved how it was one am, and Beth had a craving for fries. It occurred to me, I'm sure we've all been there at some point. Maybe for a different reason to Beth's, but been there; we have. I also wondered, at first, why Beth was met with cold air as she walked inside the diner. I would have thought it would be colder outside than in. But you go on to mention the AC inside the diner. But, again, I just wondered why it would have been on at one in the morning.

As the story approaches the end, Beth tries so hard to stand up to Ken, and I was really impressed with her courage. This guy had clearly terrified her in the past, and yet, for her baby, she was standing up to him. I loved that. And when she finally spoke to the chaplain, who subsequently called the police, I was so happy. I was glad that Beth had found someone to help her.

Suggestions:

Only a minor niggle. When the song starts to play on Beth's phone, she closes her eyes and straight away knows that it is 'God Only Knows' by For King and Country and EchoSmith. But then, in the next paragraph she says she'd never heard the song before. So I just wondered how she knew what it was so quickly.

Parting comments:

This is a wonderful story. It is powerful and emotional. I like how you included the helpline number at the end of the story. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4782971

Review of The Amazing Mouse

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Damon Nomad

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

Oh, this story is clever! I thought Lisa was a real mouse until the point where Steve revealed his computer. Even then, it didn't click that Steve was Mr. Jobs. That relaization hit me right at the end. I have to say, when it did hit me, it made me smile big. So clever. It didn't even occur to me when you started out by saying the story was set in 1980. I was very slow, I think.

I love the story. I don't know how much it is based on the truth of what happened, and how much is your imagination. It just works as it is. I love your portrayal of the two main characters. Although you don't name the narrator, I assume he is Steve Wozniak? Your portrayal of Steve the entrepreneur is so vivid. He comes across as brave, visionary and single-minded. I love how he doesn't give up with his idea for the amazing mouse. Can you imagine how different the world would be today if he hadn't been so driven?

It is great to re-read this story, knowing what happened after this meeting. The idea of Crow not thinking Apple was a good enough name for a computer made me smile. I also like the intrigue of the name Lisa, and I had to Google it after I read this. I like the inside joke of what it stood for. I also want to mention how entertained I was by the three men discussing the possibilities of everything the computer would be able to do. With hindsight, it really makes me chuckle.

Suggestions:

My suggestions are all grammatical:

"It's the future, I see it clearly." - As these are two separate clauses, I would either use a period between them, or a semicolon. A comma doesn't fit.

"The investors are clear, no increase in funding over 1979 spending levels." - It should be a colon, rather than a comma in this sentence.

"He finished up, with his usual ..." - You don't need the comma here.

"I was curious to hear how Steve was going to pitch this, he had not shared it with me." - I would change the comma to a semicolon again.

Parting comments:

This is a great story, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Realising you were writing about Steve Jobs and the beginnings of Apple and the home computer was a real treat. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

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14 days may be credited.

#4782969

Review of The Missionary

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi LightinMind

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

This is a great story about the power of God, and the power that believing in Him has. I really liked the way the story progressed. At first, the main character feels overwhelmed by the hostility towards Christians, and his inability to make a difference in India and in the world in general, but then once he remembers the two clouds of which a wise man in California spoke to him, he has the power to change. By visualising these two clouds — "The cloud of forgetfulness below him and the cloud of unknowing above him." — he is able to sit in the moment with God. And in doing that, he feels peace and is filled with God's love.

The beginning of your story hooked me straight away. I love your use of all the senses to describe the setting of a fourth floor flat in a market street in India. The colours and noises work so well to creating this busy, sweltering, chattering mass of people. It feels oppressive, and I could imagine how your character had temporarily lost God and lost their voice.

The end of this story is perfect. You show how being a Christian is about helping others. It's not just about preaching your beliefs to other people; it's about showing them kindness and helping those who need your help. I love that message.

Suggestions:

A couple of minor grammatical points: "A woman in a bikini approached him and asked him to come with her to church and what man could have said no to her?" There should be a comma after church. Also, "This was nothing new, St. Thomas himself had been slaughtered 2000 years ago ..." The comma after new isn't right. These are two separate clauses, and you could either use a semicolon or a period to punctuate them.

Parting comments:

This is an interesting story, and I genuinely feel like I've learned some things about religion in India from reading this. Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed it.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

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14 days may be credited.

#4782966

Review of Where is Hullem?

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hi PureSciFi

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

This is an interesting story that has left me with a number of questions about what is actually happening. Which is good because it means I'm engaged in the story, and I feel invested in the outcome. I have come away wondering what treasures Tomishi, Wenno, Avanu and Coonna were trying to harvest from the spaceship. What treasures that warranted the destruction of the craft? Who were these four was another question I had. Who were they working on behalf of? I was also intrigued at how their main purpose was not to kill everyone because they allowed people to get to their escape shuttles. Lots of questions!

I really like the way Geora dedicates his time to finding his younger sister, Hullem. He doesn't give up and save himself. He keeps searching until he finds her. That's an admirable trait

Suggestions:

In general, watch your tenses. This is written in the present tense, but in a couple of places you slip to past tense. Just have a read-through to check this.

I did wonder who in this story was in over their head, as per the prompt. I know that Geora and his family are trying to escape, but it didn't strike me that they were over their heads. They were just being attacked. And the four thieves didn't seem to be over their heads either because they got what they wanted without anyone revolting against them.

Parting comments:

I enjoyed reading this story. It's not a genre I usually choose to read, but this is very enjoyable. Fascinating, also. I was intrigued by the story. Thank you for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

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14 days may be credited.

#4782965

Review of Flight Q 986

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Sumojo

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

What a gripping story! I barely took a breath while reading this. I am terrified of flying, so this really resonated with me. It is exactly what I fear. Imagine being the only survivor. That would almost be worth than dying with the plane. You do a great job of describing the carnage inside the aeroplane. The twisted bodies of those who perished as the plane broke up in mid air are horrendous. And I really felt for the main character when she had to climb back on board to find some emergency flares. You totally had my attention with this.

I let out a chuckle when your character wondered what Bear Grylls would do That was a touch of genius. Because, really, Bear Grylls is exactly the person who could help out at a time like this. I liked how your character almost laughed at herself for thinking of Bear Grylls.

I thought it was a good insight when you wrote that your character prayed to a God she didn't believe in. Who wouldn't do that? I think you would try anything and, probably, make a bargain with that God to worship him for ever more if you could only survive. I thought that was a nice touch.

Suggestions:

I wondered why your character was the only survivor? What did she do that was so different to everyone else? And, why would no one have buckled their seatbelts after having been told to? It's just something I wondered about. More specifically, I noticed this typo: "'Yes! Thank you, God.' she screamed the words with relief ..." It should be a capital S in She.

Parting comments:

I really enjoyed this story, despite the terrifying images it conjured in my mind. It's nice to be a little scared sometimes, right? Nice work. Thank you for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4782962

Review of In Over Your Head

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Weirdone-Back in the games

,

"What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
Official Judge's Review

This review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

. Please remember any views are purely my own, and any advice is given with the sole intention of being helpful.

What I liked:

Oh, this story had me breathing a little faster! I love swimming. I'd spend every day in the water if I could. But I'm terrified of going underwater (an incident with a water slide to thanks for that). So, I felt a bit like I couldn't breathe as I read your descriptions of Ingrid and Alex going underwater. I could feel Alex's panic as he rose back to the surface with water in his mouth and nostrils and eyes. Which is a testament to how well you have written this.

I love how you say you have taken the prompt a bit literally. That made me smile. You really have. But it works really well. I felt as though I was reading a real life narration, a memory from your own childhood. All of the characters seemed so real. Evelyn was the perfect kid sister. I loved how Ingrid came to the conclusion that she was a pest at the end of the story. Finally, someone on Alex's side.

I chuckled when Evelyn asked Alex if Ingrid was his girlfriend. Typical annoying little sister. It was also nice to read the budding relationship between Alex and Ingrid. I can sense a first love story there.

Suggestions:

Just a few typos: "Oh no, The pool." I didn't feel like you needed to capitalise the T because you didn't capitalise pool, so it doesn't seem to be a proper noun. Also, "'No!' I cried turning red." I would place a comma after cried. "Alex, got his head wet for a girl." You don't need the comma here. Lastly, "Maybe it was because Evelyn wasn't nearby but I kind of wanted to try it for her." This reads as though he wanted to try it for Evelyn. But he actually did it for Ingrid. So I would change her to Ingrid.

Parting comments:

This is an enjoyable story that I found myself relating to a lot. Well written. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

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14 days may be credited.

#4782538

Review of Decision

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Sumojo

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" for Week 43 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This poem made me smile. I could really relate to the dynamics between you and your partner. It could have been taken direct from my life. My hubby and I rarely agree on which TV shows to watch, and I usually end up watching mine on my iPad. It's the same with music. I know they say opposite attract, but seriously.

The second verse made me smile with the disagreement of how to get to somewhere. Again, I can just hear this discussion taking place. Men always think they are the kings of navigation, don't they? Yes. This made me chuckle.

I like how you took the "either/or" prompt and turned it into something very relatable. And, actually, the end of the poem could even be about the current world political state. There is such a divide between left and right at the moment, and it does cause enormous division. So I liked that aspect, too.

Suggestions:

My main suggestion is for the rhythm of the poem. It is a little uneven at the moment. As you have the nice rhyme scheme of aabb, ccdd, it would be good to have an even rhythm also. I think the main place you could change is the end. I like the rhyme of decision with division, but I would strip it back a bit. Like, "Why can you never make a decision? / Your toing and froing is causing division."

Parting comments:

I enjoyed this little poem. In just eight lines, you have painted a vivid picture of what is (I think) something a lot of us experience. It made me smile, and I liked your creativity.

Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4781307

Review of Contest Entries

for entry "Chapter One: Dooms Clock Ticks"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Heat On

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" It is written for Week 42 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

Firstly, you have won me over with this first chapter. I am intrigued as to where the story will go. I love the dragon. I'm not sure whether your main character can trust it, but I want her to! I think they will make a great team together, ruling the world.

Your chapter title is a fantastic hook into the story. I was intrigued to find out what has happened to set off the dooms clock, and also to know what could be done to save the world. One thing: In your title, you call it "Dooms Clock" but in the chapter, you leave the s off the end.

I love your imagination. I took a look at the picture prompt for this round, and I never would have went where you did with it. It's really creative. I love the Wizard Of Oz-ish feeling to it, with the main character waking in an unfamiliar land surrounded by odd-looking trees, and all she can remember at first is a tornado. That made me smile.

Suggestions:

Just a couple of typos I spotted: " I hope my last prediction would be a good one." It should be hoped, past tense. Also, "Nobody in their right mind wants to rule the world. But would love to bring peace." I think it should be, "But I would love to bring peace."

Parting comments:

This is an enjoyable read. I am interested in learning what obstacles your character will encounter, and also what she will have to do to save the world from the Doom Clock. Also, what will activate it in the first place? And can she trust the dragon? Lots of questions, which is exactly what you want from a first chapter. I would read on if I came across this. Great work.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

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14 days may be credited.

#4780398

Review of Contest Entries

for entry "Skull None's Desire"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Heat On

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . It is written for Week 41 of "I Write in 2024" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This story has me interested in the character, Skull None. That name intrigued me, by the way. I would love to know why the character is called that. Especially when the character's mother (I assume it is their mother, at least) is called Lilah. Which is a pretty normal name. But Skull None intrigues me.

I note this story was written for the antagonist in NaNo Prep. I had to look up the term lich because I'm not familiar with this genre. Knowing what a lich was made Skull None seem even younger and a little more innocent than I had realised. They seemed childlike in their desire to be the biggest, bravest, most expertly magical. But in doing this, they would have to become kind of undead. But that didn't scare them. They just seemed a little naive. Which was endearing.

I felt sorry for Skull None as their mother tried to discourage them from their dreams of being a necromancer, of being a lich. It was very relatable, and it made me smile.

Suggestions:

I guess my only query is with regards to the antagonist side of the story. I didn't really read any bad in Skull None. Because of the childlike qualities, they seemed like a young person having their dreams quashed. And, actually, from what I read when I looked it up, neither of the dreams that Skull None has are necessarily bad. Unless they do bad things because their dreams have been taken away. That's a possibility.

Parting comments:

This is an interesting story that gives a good insight into your antagonist. Thanks for sharing.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

21

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14 days may be credited.

#4779486

Review of The Game

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Sumojo

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" It is also part of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

Oh, wow. This has hooked me good and proper! I am intrigued by these two characters and the game they are playing. The ring is a key part of the story, too, and I want to know what that is about. I wondered whether there had been many players of this game, and that whoever is sitting in the semi-darkness waiting for an opponent is the most recent winner. Which makes me wonder how many times the man with the gravelly voice has won previously. This chapter definitely worked to getting my mind buzzing with questions and ideas.

As you wrote this for the Chapter One Contest, I asked myself whether you have included all of the necessary elements of a first chapter: Have you introduced a plot with a great hook? Yes! Is there an idea of what the story will be? Yes. Have you introduced at least one interesting character? Again, that's a big yes. It really has everything one could ask for in a first chapter.

I hadn't looked at this contest yet this month, but you have inspired me to take a look at the prompt. I'm not sure I could write anything as intriguing as this, though.

Suggestions:

This is a tough because I can't think of any areas for improvement. I guess the only thing I would say is chapters are normally longer than 332 words. So, perhaps you could include a little more of the characters' backgrounds, maybe introduce something of why they find themselves in that dark room playing cards for their lives.

Parting comments:

I enjoyed reading this chapter. I don't know if you're planning on ever writing this as a novel? But, if you do, I would love to read it. Thanks for sharing this, and good luck in the contest!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4778131

Review of Activities entries

for entry "National Punctuation Day"

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Heat On

,

This review was written as part of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

I read this Express It In Eight prompt yesterday, but I couldn't get my head around writing something clever for it. You have done exactly that, though. You have used a lot of different punctuation marks (I would add quotation marks to your list, though).

The last two lines made me laugh out loud! I love your comment about the grammar nazis not agreeing with punctuation not being necessary in poetry. I have been subjected to those very people countless times. I think I've finally accepted that in free verse, it is either all or nothing. I still try to be creative with my use of punctuation, though.

I love the randomness of the first verse. That made me chuckle, too. When the sailor suddenly appears and says, "Oh! I got a big one!" it took a moment for me to realise you said a sailor because you just mentioned a fish. I wondered why it was a sailor at first, but I get it now.

Suggestions:

I would add a in front of fish and plant because it doesn't read naturally as it is. I had to re-read that line a few times to make it flow. I think it also confused me because of the period on the previous line. It felt like it should be a comma. It breaks up the flow a little to have periods in such a short poem. (Although I know you wanted to use them or the prompt. But you have one at the end of the poem.) Anyway, these are minor points. On the whole, I love this poem.

Parting comments:

I really enjoyed reading this. It made me laugh, and it's very clever. You have packed a lot of different punctuation marks into a short poem. Nicely done.

Choconut

Purple Choconut sig. made by Minja, gifted by Leah.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4775598

Review of The birthday virus speaks

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with I Write

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hi Angelica Weatherby- Heat On

,

This review was written for Week 37 of "I Write in 2024"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This is a light dialogue only story that made me smile as I read it. When I got to the part where the birthday virus said that cupcakes and pies would stop it from talking for a while, I laughed out loud. I think it's safe to say cupcakes and pies would shut me up for a while, too.

When the virus gores into the numerical factors of the number twenty-four, I went a little cross-eyed at first. But, actually, I like that direction to take. It is different from anything else I've read, and it's not something I would have ever thought of. But, then you start to talk about the power of eight in that number, which leads you to spiders. At this point, I was creeped out. But, thankfully, you didn't describe them in too much detail.

I really liked the way this story took me to a place I never expected. When you got to the end, and you mentioned the painting of a swamp, I thought it was a random thing to mention. But, I'm guessing, maybe you've painted this yourself, which is why you thought of it. Whatever. the reason, I liked it.

Suggestions:

I did get a little confused about who was speaking when you (not the virus) mentioned eating the cupcakes and pies. As the virus had just said it would eat them, it confused me that you then said you would eat them. Similarly, with the swamp painting discussion, I found it a little hard to follow again. I had to go back and work out who was saying what. Also, just a minor thing. As this is a dialogue only contest, you don't need to use speech marks.

Parting comments:

This is a fun, enjoyable story. I love where your imagination takes you. It is creative and interesting to read. Nice work!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4775272

Review of Sharif

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Beholden

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" It is part of "Birthday Port Rally Challenge - Closed"

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This story is really interesting. I love the intrigue as to who Auberon and his men really are and what they are doing on this particular road. I thought they were a group of bandits because you describe them as a 'band of ruffians.' I really like this description.

Now, I have to admit to not having read or seen 'Lawrence Of Arabia' since I was about five, so I could be way off track here. But, I think, maybe, that is who Auberon really is. I know Omar Sharif played him, so it makes sense that this could be about him. That would explain why the man, Husan, refers to him as the "king of kings" at the end.

I really like your descriptions of the desert landscape and the 'simmering' heat. The "baked earth" is a fab description. I could almost feel the way the earth would scorch my bare feet. The heat rising off the ground and the "parched desert" add further to this feeling. You really do an excellent job of making your reader feel as though they are in the story by making the landscape a character of its own. That's clever.

Suggestions:

Only one (picky) thing: "The larger objects were dead camels, sprawled in weird attitudes amongst the corpses." I'm sure this is my lack of knowledge, but the camels lying in "sprawled attitudes" didn't really make sense to me.

Parting comments:

Do you know what I loved the most about this? The way it reminded me of my dad. He loved this kind of film, and I could imagine cuddling up to him as a child and watching the story unfold. So, thank you. That's a wonderful memory.

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4774224

Review of Thunderstorms In Spring

Review by Choconut

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi 👼intuey

,

This review was written on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" It is part of "Birthday Port Rally Challenge - Closed" .

Disclaimer

The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group with which they are affiliated. These are only the opinions and suggestions of the reviewer, and they are given solely for the purpose of being helpful.

What I liked:

This is a really powerful poem. I love the way you use sounds to put your reader in the middle of all the noise and crashing thunder. I could almost feel the force of the tremors this storm was creating. (It was helped by the fact that we just had a huge thunderstorm outside.) But you don't just describe the roar of the thunder, you also include sirens sounding and car horns blaring. All of this turmoil is taking place, I think, reflecting the inner thoughts of someone who has lost their way.

I love the way you show the calm of the land after this violent storm. And then, the "golden orb" shines brightly, and you hold onto it, knowing it will pull you out of the darkness. When a mockingbird sounds in the last verse, I thought it was brilliant. A sign of peace and new beginnings.

I love the imagery you use in this poem. The way you work through a dark place, and are pulled out of it by listening to God is very positive. The rainbow that you see in this verse is the perfect symbol of hope.

Suggestions:

The only place I wasn't sure about was the motorcycle's revving engine. I'm sure it is entirely on me, but I couldn't figure out what it represents.

Parting comments:

This poem is very clever. I love the imagery you have used throughout, of the exterior hurricane as it arrives and wreaks devastation on the land, compared to the interior hurricane of losing faith and coming back to it to find peace. Great work!

Choconut

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .