*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purplesunday
Review Requests: OFF
992 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-if.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of My fairy  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi K.HBey

I've just read your poem, "My fairy, and I would like to offer this review, as part of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This poem is full of the lasting love a mother passes on to her child. It's an emotional read, and I found myself with a lump in my throat when I read the line, "You went but you are still here." I love the way you describe your mother as still being with you because of all that she left behind: love, kindness, tenderness. This poem, whilst quite sad as it deals with the loss of a mother, is also really positive. It's a comfort to read your words because it reminds me that's how I should look at the loss my own mother. She is still here; all around me.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme:This poem is free verse, so there is no rhyme scheme. I love free verse poetry, so I think you made the right choice here. If I'm honest, the rhythm is a little rocky in places. For example, "Who illuminates my universe and still rocks me / Most often the harshness of life and in this penumbra." This is a bit of a mouthful, and the use of words with so many syllables breaks up the flow. Because there is little punctuation at the ends of lines, it means the reader doesn't know where one thought ends and another begins. I found this a little tough. I appreciate it's free verse, and free verse doesn't often have punctuation, but it would help this poem to be a little clearer.

*StarG* What I really liked: The last line: "You are still here Mother." This is a lovely sentiment. The overall feeling I got from the poem was one of calmness and serenity. The perfumed flowers and beautiful garden are very feminine. It all makes me think of my Mum. It's lovely.

*StarP* Suggestions: In general, there are places you used the same words for descriptions (for example, penumbra and tenderness), and this kind of stood out. Particularly penumbra, as it's quite an unusual word. It would have been nice to see a different description for the second one. There were a couple of places I felt the metaphors didn't quite work. "your kindness like dew and your hope." I wasn't sure how kindness is at all like dew. Maybe I'm just not getting it, but I felt it didn't work. Also, "Your heart like a marvelous diamond / Love tenderness and sacrifice were its verses." I couldn't wrap my brain around a diamond having verses.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: I enjoyed reading this poem. It's a beautiful tribute to your mother and comfort to others who have lost theirs. You have some beautiful imagery in here, and with a little work, I think it could be great.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The Darkness  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mouser

I've just read your poem, "The Darkness, and I would like to offer this review, as part of the Paper Doll Gang Rockin' Review Academy.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This is a poem of two parts. There is the wonderful description of what it's like to suffer from depression, and how it drags you down, snuffing out (almost) all hope of salvation. And then, there is the part of the poem where you say that although you are, "Shaky, weary and battered," you manage to fight your way out of the depths, and "Toward the light." At the end, you say that you know the beast has only withdrawn for now, and that it will return at some point. I guess, what I'm saying is this poem is a wonderful description of what it's like to live with the burden of depression. I could relate to every single word. I love how you show the reader how the pain is both mental and physical by saying, "With pain of body and soul."

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse, so there is no rhyme scheme. I love free verse poetry, especially in poems where emotion is a key component. So it works really well here. Each verse is slightly different in structure. I like this because it highlights the change in the contents of them. I love the repetition of "Losing . . . " at the end of the second verse. It hits home. If I'm honest, I didn't think the rhythm was completely smooth. It seemed to lack a little fluidity in places on my first read-through. After I'd read it once, though, it flowed much better.

*StarG* What I really liked: I love how you start and end the poem by saying the darkness is "always waiting." I also really like this part: "Most often it is only / A glimpse - / Out of the corner of my eye." That feeling of impending doom, of having the black dog on shoulder, is really moving. The image of light being drained by the monster is really nice, also.

*StarP* Suggestions: There are a couple of places where I would take out the commas. "With pain of body and soul," The following line begins with That, and there shouldn't be commas before this word. Also, "At last free," I wouldn't put a comma here either. It breaks up the flow a little.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a poignant poem about the struggles of depression, and it has some lovely images that are very relatable. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
In affiliation with WDC Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Anne Arthur

I am happy to be reviewing you as part of the "WDC Power Reviewers Group [E] Review Raid!

My first thoughts: Wow. That is my first thought. This is wonderful. Your writing style is warm and descriptive and, from the very first sentence, I was completely immersed in the story. When I read the line, "Stroking his thick, black mustache with his slim sun-browned hands, he nodded." I knew I was reading something really special. That "sun-browned hands" description is so vivid. I could see Stefan in my mind, and the description made me fall in love with your writing.

Plot: This is the story of a woman called Klara. It's a memoir, looking back at this woman's life, when she dies. The setting is a house that is too big for only the narrator's grandmother to live in, and so has to be split into more rooms for refugees and people who have lost everything in the war. The unity and the way these families all look out for one another is incredible. Although, this is written about a time of great pain and sorrow, it sounds like a wonderful place to be. They had little, yet they had so much. It kind of reminded me of 'The Book Thief' a little. I love that book, too.

Characters: This is told from the point of view of the granddaughter of the owner of the house. So everything we see is through her young, naive eyes. It's great to have a slightly unreliable narrator like this one. I think you actually see more truth this way. I love the way you portray all the characters. I love the relationship between the narrator and Klara. Her kindness shines through. I wonder whether she ever went on to have her own family. Could she even have children of her own? There is so much more I would love to know about this woman. About Stefan and everyone in the story.

What I liked: All of it! I love the way you pull your readers inside the story, with the intoxicating smells of baked apples and cinnamon and the image of the goose feathers flying every time someone opened the door. It all seems to innocent and loving and warm.

Suggestions: You may have already started to do this, but I think this could be turned into a whole book about this period in time and about Klara's life. I would read that, for sure.

You have probably guessed that I love this story. But, more than that, I love your writing style. It's welcoming and grabs the reader, then holds them tight until the end of the story. Plus, you actually leave us wanting more. I hope you do write more. I absolutely love this!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



Image #2139577 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
In affiliation with WDC Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Tina McClintock

I am happy to be reviewing you as part of the "WDC Power Reviewers Group [E] Review Raid!

My first thoughts: As I first read through, I wondered what would happen between your two characters: would they get back together in the end? Would Steve be telling the truth? Did Vera really want to go there again? I was glad when, in the end, they kissed. I feel Steve probably has a lot of making up to do, though.

Plot: This is the story of lonely woman, sitting in a coffee shop on her own on Valentine's Day. She's a little resentful of all the people around her, in couples, when she hasn't been in a relationship for the last fifteen years: ever since the love of her life, Steve, ran away from her at the altar. Enter: Steve. A voice says her name from behind her and she immediately knows it belongs to Steve. The story he comes up with for having left her at the altar is one, I have to be honest, I would not have believed. He says he was undercover with the FBI, and he had to leave for her own safety. Hmmm. Likely story, I would have thought. But he says he can prove this, by taking Vera to his office which just happens to be near by. Here is one of the problems I have. Vera lives and works near by. Steve, when he goes to the office, is known by everyone there, suggesting he's been working there for some time. So, how come they have never bumped into each other before? He says he was too afraid to approach her. So, what is different about this day?

Characters: Steve broke Vera's heart so badly, she hasn't had a relationship since. She even moved to Canada for a short while to escape her memories. Yet, when he shows up and tells unbelievable tales of undercover FBI work, she goes with him without hesitation. It just felt a little stretched, to me. I get that she still loves him, but it all seems a little too easy. It would be great to see a little more depth to the characters. Show us their feelings. Show us how shaky Vera is, how her whole world has been unsettled for the second time by this man. There is so much you could do with these two.

Grammar: Just a few typos. " . . . dressed to impress. it was too late . . . " You need to capitalise it. Also, " . . . why couldnt he be bald at least." Firstly, you need to put an apostrophe in couldn't. Also, you're asking a question, so you need to end the sentence with a question mark. The other thing is you change point of view in one place. The whole story is written in the third person, then you write, "'Wait, I can prove it!' He came after me. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around." This temporary switch to the first person is a little off-putting.

What I liked: Despite what I've written above, I love the line, "why couldnt he be bald at least." This made me laugh out loud. I think we've all been there when meeting an ex who you want to be not doing as well as you, then you see them looking beautiful. I also loved the premise for this story. I would love to know what happens next with them.

Suggestions: I know Steve is no longer working undercover for the FBI, but I still wasn't sure he would have been able to talk in so much detail about his role with them. Also, the way he says he worked on the recent serial killer case. Again, could he really talk so freely about this? I don't know. Maybe, just check it out.

This is an enjoyable story. I like how the couple kiss at the end. It's a nice ending. With a few tweaks, and a little more characterisation, I think it could be really great.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



Image #2139577 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
In affiliation with WDC Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi amy-Very Very Busy

Welcome to this "WDC Power Reviewers Group Review Raid!


Once again, I apologise this has taken a few days for me to write, but things have been a little hectic here. Anyway, I've now read your article, and I'd like to offer the following comments.

*Starv* The first thing to say is there is very little I would change about this. As I first read it, I could relate so much to your thoughts about trying out different genres until you find the one that is meant for you. If I'm honest, I'm still doing that, to a certain extent. I like to try a little of all kinds of genres. Even though, I'm pretty sure I've found my voice and my genre. By writing about this process, you assure newer writers that it is okay not to know straight away what you want to write. I like the reassuring feeling it gave me.

*Starv* The one area I would maybe add a little to is where you say that you decided children's writing isn't for you, and then you say the same about horror. I was interested to know why not. Particularly, with horror writing, as you said your story was published and you enjoyed writing it. So, I wondered how you knew it wasn't for you?

*Starv* Just one tiny word change I would make: "If you do you will find that genre that ignites your readers' imaginations . . . " Rather than using two thats close together, I would change the second one to which.

This is an interesting, informative article. As I said, there is very I would change. It leaves me with questions I would ask, if I was part of your Facebook Group, and I think that's really important. It's a great piece, Amy.

Choconut



Image #2139577 over display limit. -?-




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi FrankieB

I've just finished reading your short story, "There is Always Hope, and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group

My first impressions: This is a very clever story. The way you set it up to be one thing, then it turns out to be something completely different, is fantastic. I really enjoyed reading this. It's just brilliant.

Plot: At the beginning, we see Keith and Liz being given the news that, "there's nothing else we can do." Automatically, we assume (or, at least, I assumed) that Liz has cancer. The way you say that after eight years, there's nothing more that can be done reinforces this notion that Liz is terminally ill. Plus, we see Keith helping her into bed. I love this whole set-up. You mislead your readers wonderfully.

We see Keith getting angry with Liz because she refuses to go along with some plan that (I thought) might have helped her get better. Except, that's not what it is. When Liz opens a fortune cookie, with the message, "Hope is given in the form of opportunity. Do not waste the gift." she changes her mind and agrees to "meet her." We wonder who her is, but it didn't cross my mind she would be a baby. Great twist! Liz is not dying. She and Keith have been trying, for eight years, to get pregnant, and there is now nothing more the hospital can do for them. So instead, Keith and Liz go to meet this little baby girl, whom they will adopt. They call her Hope. What a great end to this story. I imagined it going somewhere else entirely. I imagined it a lot darker. But it isn't dark at all. It's full of light and hope.

What I really liked: The twist. Genius! I love how you leave the reveal until the very end. I love how Liz and Keith become a perfect, little family at the end. They are so happy, and it's heartwarming to read. I also love the role of the fortune cookie. That's a clever way of showing how Liz changes her mind about meeting the baby.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just one typo: "Finally, when she had no reason left to site there . . . " It should be sit.

Final thoughts: This is a clever and entertaining story. Your writing is really good, and you kept me immersed in the story from start to finish. When the twist came at the end, I absolutely love it. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Dear Dad  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tommy Mooney

I've just finished reading your short story, "Dear Dad, and I'd like to offer the following comments on behalf of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group

My first impressions: This is incredibly moving. The scene between Connor and his friend, where you show all the feelings that go along with grief, is so accurate. I'm guessing, from your brief description, it is from your own personal experience? Whether it is or not, it's so very, very moving.

Plot: It's not really a plot, as such. Rather, this is a scene. Connor (who I think is late-teen/early twenties) has just lost his dad. He is feeling guilty because he doesn't believe he was a nice son to have. He feels guilty for all the times he didn't want to do things with his dad, for all the times he was moody, for all the times he acted like the teenager he was. This guilt can be crippling, can't it? It's funny how people have a tendency to focus on all the things they didn't do, and not all the wonderful, happy things they did do; all the times they were there for their loved ones. It's really hard to stop focussing on the bad things. But, in the end, if you want to get through your grief, you have to accept all of that stuff and let it go.

I love the interaction between Connor and his girlfriend. It feels natural and they seem—in spite of the situation—really comfortable with each other. Their intimacy is really heartwarming, and you've written this really well.

What I really liked: The brutal honesty of this piece. It can't have been easy to write, which makes the impact even greater. You have voiced the thoughts and worries of most people who suffer bereavement. I would recommend this for anyone who is feeling the things you describe. It might help them to know they are not alone.

Suggestions: The only place I wasn't sure about is this line: "She rested her chin on his shoulder, drawing one arm out from between his knees and body and bringing up to sit atop his head." I just couldn't visualise this. It didn't feel very smooth to me.

Final thoughts: This is a great piece which draws the reader into the world of grief, showing them how it feels when you lose someone you love. It's a really great piece of writing.

Keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Abby Gayle

I've just finished reading your short story, "Unexpected Visitor, and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: This is wonderful! You kept me on my toes for the entirety of the story. Firstly, the title suggests there will be an unexpected visitor. I wondered who it might be. I did not expect it to be Mr. Reaper, first name: Grim. What a great idea.

Plot: This is the story of a lady whose time is just about up. There is a knock at her door, and when she answers it, it is the Grim Reaper. Rather than being frightened or, at the very least, surprised, the lady simply welcomes him inside. As the story progresses, we learn that the lady and the Grim Reaper have been firm friends ever since he spared her from death when she was seven years old. For the seventy years since that incident, he has visited her twice a year. This year, though, he is early. Because he has a job to do. I have to say, I love the concept for this story. I actually wrote a similar-ish story a couple of years ago, where I personified sadness. I love things like this, where they take a slightly unusual turn.

What I really liked: Your writing style is excellent. It's warm and funny, but also quite touching. I never thought I would find myself feeling sorry for the Grim Reaper, who is clearly upset and uneasy with his latest job. He's taking a friend, and he probably doesn't have that many, in his line of the work. Yes, it really is quite moving. Oh, I have to mention the twist at the end. I love that when she finally got to see the Reaper's face, it was her Grandpa Greg. So she was reassured she would be spending eternity with her lost loved one. That was a great twist!

Suggestions: The whole way through the story, this story is told from the first person point of view. So, we can only see or hear whatever your main character feels. However, at the end, you write, "That was the last thing I remembered before I went to sleep." It doesn't seem right to me. The woman has died, so how could she tell us about the moment she went to sleep? Unless the whole story is narrated from beyond the grave. But it doesn't read like it is. I would take that line out and end on, "I just hoped I could be with my grandfather for the rest of eternity." That's a really nice line to end on.

Final thoughts: This is really enjoyable read. It's clever, unique, and has a few twists that I never saw coming. In addition, I really like your writing style. This is a great piece.

Keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of You Wouldn't know  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi RainyDayNostalgia

I've just read your poem, "You Wouldn't know, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Wow. The emotion in this poem is incredible. As I first read through, I continually found myself thinking how much I can relate to your words. I love this kind of poetry. It's my favourite kind to read, and you have done a really great job with this one. I think it's clever how you start out by saying all the bad things that are going on behind your smile and how much you struggle. You then move on to say the things that make living worthwhile. You end by saying that you're trying to feel better, and this is what you need to help you. I love the progression, from someone who is fragile and holding back from the ones she loves, to someone who is going to "bare her heart" and take a chance. I love it!

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This is a free verse poem, which is my favourite kind. I love how it gives you the freedom to bare your emotions so eloquently. I like the three refrains you use in this poem. I really like how you follow them all with longer lines, which give a little more insight into you. However, I would make those lines shorter. Even if you just split them in half, it would still work. As it is at the moment, it looks a little rough. When you read it, it's more like a piece of prose than poetry. Because the lines are so long, they lose some of their poeticism. That's not to say I don't think they're great; because I do. But I would shorten them a little.

*StarG* What I really liked: The emotion. I love these lines: "I live for / our quiet conversations, when the world seems but a distant memory." These lines really stood out for me. They describe so well the way it's the little, seemingly-insignificant things in life that really mean the most.

*StarP* Suggestions: This is a tiny point. The line, "what was once, our long walks at 3am." I love the words, but there shouldn't be a comma after once.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a great poem. The emotion had me from the start. I do think it could use a few tweaks, with regards to line lengths, but I absolutely love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Roberts89

I've just finished reading your short story, "The forgotten Past Part 1, and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

My first impressions: This is an intriguing, little piece. As I first read through, I was interested to know what Mark and Billy would find in the old, abandoned house. When I reached the end, I still didn't find out the secrets of the house. You did, however, leave a tantalising clue to the next part of the story. You have done a great job of making me want to read more. I have to know what the cryptic message on the note means.

Plot: There is an old, abandoned house in a town where nobody seems to know who lived there. Not even the town's oldest resident, who is affectionately known as Grandmother. There are rumours that some travelling gypsies found the house and left all their goods there, intending to return to take it all back, but they never did. What is agreed by most is that the house is full of stuff.

Mark and Billy are friends who have been tempted by the rumours and secrets of the house. This is a great basis for a story, as who hasn't been intrigued by a similar house in their childhood? Mark drags Billy to the house, but the rooms are empty. Except for the note that Billy finds, which contains some kind of cryptic message, which Mark dismisses straight away. Which leads nicely on to the next part of the story.

What I really liked: The potential for an action filled adventure for the two boys. There are a couple of nice descriptions. For example, when Mark opens the front door, he is met with a, "rush of stale air." That's a great atmosphere-setter. I also love the line where Mark realises Billy isn't with him: "A heartbeat passed." I love that. It had me on the edge of my seat. Mark's first impression of the house is also nice, with the wooden stairs and long hall.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: There are quite a few grammar issues, but I've put them in this dropnote, so you don't have to read them if you don't want to.

Dropnote

Suggestions: In general, you use the passive tense a lot in this story. So, for example, you say, " Inside, the air is musty and there are objects scattered everywhere." The words is and are both read in the passive tense, and they have the effect of making the reader feel they are being told a story, rather than inviting the reader inside and making them feel they are part of it. Also, you say in this line that objects are scattered everywhere. You could give such a vivid picture of the house, if you were to describe some of the objects. Describe the house as well. All of these things will help the reader to get lost in the story. As it is, I felt a little like an outsider, looking in.

Final thoughts: This is an intriguing story. I think you have used it to set up a more action-packed second part. I am interested to read where you take this. I can't guess where it might be. Great job.

Keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Write or Die

I've just read your poem, ""I Lost My $#@?& Car Keys", and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: My first thought is: I don't know Joshua, but I do know he is going to love this poem! I can imagine him giggling all the way through. I know I did! Straight from the first line, the humour is wonderful. It's perfect for a five year old, but also for adults. I found it really funny. What woman hasn't seen her husband, blundering around, looking for his lost car keys (or flashlight, or spectacles, etc.)?

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: The rhyme is really nicely done, making the rhythm also really great. The poem reads almost like a nursery rhyme. It's definitely the kind of verse a child could learn by heart (and taunt their Daddy with, if they wanted).

There is one place the meter seems a little off, and that is the line: "When he kicked our poor cat Puff." It sounds like there are too many syllables, or maybe it is a slightly different meter. I stumbled over it a little when I first read through. It's not a huge thing, but I thought I would mention it.

*StarG* What I really liked: The humour. It really appeals to me, probably because I know the scene all-too well. It's hard to pick out my favourite lines because they are all fantastic. I love, "his nose is out of socket." That's a great way of finding a rhyme for pocket. Similarly, the rhymes of jiggle and giggle are just fab! I think the second verse is my favourite. The visuals you create in this verse are hilarious. Then, these lines: "I can't repeat what he just said. / But it sure is fun to listen." Oh, they made me laugh so much. Again, the image it creates in my mind is so familiar.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: Poor Puff the cat. Luckily, he does have nine lives. I love the warm and happy feeling this poem creates. It's like a snapshot of happy family life. It's a piece of fun, written for a five year old, who I'm sure finds it hilarious. Absolutely brilliant! I love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Jagged Edge  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Writergirl74

I've just read your poem, "Jagged Edge, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Wow. This is an incredibly powerful poem. I think your title is perfect. A great choice. The poem is very dark and personal. I love how you have written it in a way that conveys to the reader exactly what is happening in the poem, without being too graphic or glorifying it in any way. As someone who has been there, the emotions and feelings you describe really strike a chord within me. It's a very sad poem. There seems to be little hope for the girl who you describe. Everything is bleak, and she has no hope of things ever getting better. Cutting is the only option she has left. It's the only thing that will help her escape the pain of living, albeit only temporarily. I also love how you show this girl trying to ignore the temptation to cut. She wants to find another way of coping, but, in the end, nothing else works the same. I think it's interesting how you have written it in the third person, when (as I said above) it seems very personal. It works really well like this, though.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There are three quatrains, with a rhyme scheme of aabb ccdd eeff. This rhyme scheme helps the poem to flow fairly well. The rhythm is good, although there are places it seems a little rough. For example, "No other way to end the misery, / no one around her can see." Here, the second line doesn't have enough syllables, and I stumbled over it when I first read it. Similarly, this line line is a little off: "One cut with the jagged edge." With this line, it's a slightly different meter, and it doesn't flow quite as well as the rest of it.

*StarG* What I really liked: The emotion. You paint such a vivid picture of this girl. I feel so badly for her. These lines tug at my heart: "Pushed and pulled in so many ways, / she'll never see better days." I can totally relate to that feeling. The physicality of this description is striking. I imagine her body feels worn out from being "pushed and pulled." I also feel I want to say to this girl that it will get better. It really will. Nothing lasts forever.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is an emotional read. It took me back to a very dark place, just momentarily, but then it made me realise how far I've come. But the poem is really well written. Sad, tragic, beautiful.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of The Letter  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Faith Raine

I've just read your poem, "The Letter, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: Oh, my word. This poem has made me cry. It's beautifully written. The message is exactly what anyone who has ever lost someone they love needs to read. In the first couple of lines, you offer hope by saying, "But I'm not far from thee." As I first read through, I found myself welling up more and more, and then I reached the last verse. Oh! I like to write helpful reviews, with lots of suggestions, but this poem has me mesmerised. It's hard to be objective.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There are six quatrains, and the first five have a rhyme scheme of abab. The last stanza, however, doesn't have any rhyme. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it would work a little better if it followed the same rhyme scheme. That said, it really doesn't detract from the natural rhythm of the poem. It flows nicely through each verse, reading like a letter from a loved one. Which is exactly what you intended.

*StarG* What I really liked: All of it! I love the hope that it offers people who are bereaved. It's a poem that is filled with love and warmth and light. "I loved you then, I love you now / I'll love you ever still." This is the point where I went from having a tear in my eye to crying. These lines are also great: "Remember it's okay to laugh, / To even crack a smile." This is something anyone who is caught up in grief needs to be told. Because it feels so wrong to forget, even for a moment.

*StarP* Suggestions: I wasn't entirely sure about these lines: "Each time we said, "I Love You," even if / whispered into the air." Enjambment is a great tool to use in poetry, but I just felt it was a little off in these lines. It made them read less smoothly than the rest of the poem.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This poem has twisted my heart, making me think about my own losses. It reminds me of the "Death Is Nothing At All" poem. It's comforting and really, really beautiful.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Strong!  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Snow Angel ❄

I've just read your poem, "Strong!, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: As I first read through, this poem made me feel really sad. Until I reached the end, which is really positive. This is a poem about the breakdown of a relationship, and how it hurts and rips your heart up. But then, after a while, when you start to see things more objectively, you realise just how toxic the relationship was. Suddenly, even though you're still hurting, you realise you are beginning to feel stronger. Stronger than you ever were when you were in the relationship. Stronger for being on your own. I love that message! I can relate to it so much. It's so positive.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: I like how this poem about the end of a romance is written in the form of a sonnet, which is often used for writing love poems. It fits nicely into the classic Shakespearean Sonnet, in that the first twelve lines are describing how sad you are, and then the rhyming couplet at the end shows the change of opinion. The whole poem reads smoothly and has a great, natural rhythm.

I'm not sure if you have intentionally written a Shakespearean Sonnet. If you have, I would suggest you take a look at the rhyme scheme. It should be abab cdcd efef gg. Perhaps it isn't a Shakespearean Sonnet, but either way, I feel you could maybe take a look at the end of line rhymes.

*StarG* What I really liked: The last line is my absolute favourite: "Because without you in my life; I feel so Strong!" Yes! This made me smile when I first read it. I was so glad you have a positive twist to this sad story. I also love this line: "You were my sunset and heartbreak." This line is beautiful, and it's really moving. I love the way you have phrased it. Great imagery. Your first line is also very moving: "I am drowning at the sound of your name." I think we've all been there before. Just the mention of our ex's name and it feels just like we are drowning. Lovely description, and also a great hook into the poem.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a beautifully written poem. It's one I can relate to a lot, and it's both moving and positive. I really like it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of All Hallow's Eve  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Brad J Shaw - 01 Oct 2017

I've just read your poem, "All Hallow's Eve, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I love your first verse! The way you say, "Little monsters scurry up and sown the streets," hooked me straight away. I love the way you mean children dressed up as monsters, but also, underneath, you are referring to children who are spoiled little monsters, asking for handouts. At least, that's how I read it.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This is where I felt the poem could be improved a little. The first verse is great. It has an aabbcc rhyme scheme, and the lines are all of a similar meter. Then, the three lines on their own: they don't rhyme, but they work nicely. They pull the reader into the poem even further. I could imagine being stood on the street, with a mass of ghosts and monsters floating all around me. The third verse, again we have an aabb rhyme. I like the "cool wind" that is mentioned here. The next verse, however, is completely different. There's no rhyme scheme, and it ends with a really long line, that could probably be split into two. This verse threw me off when I first read through. It doesn't seem to belong with the rest of the poem. Then, you finish with a rhyming couplet (which, I have to admit, made me laugh). As there is no set structure, though, I didn't feel it read smoothly.

*StarG* What I really liked: "Arms stretched out, bags open 'Gimmee more!'" This line made me laugh. I could picture the scene really well. I also like the little touches you add which draw the reader into the poem. By this I mean, "The eerie full moon casting its silvery light," and, "The cool wind blows and leaves rustle." These descriptions help to add atmosphere and to set a wonderfully creepy Halloween scene.

*StarP* Suggestions: Only, as I mentioned above, to take a look at the fourth stanza. I would give it the same rhyme scheme as the rest of the poem. I would also split the last line of it into two.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is an enjoyable poem. It's a great look at children and the fun and greed of trick-or-treating. As a Brit, it's something that only really took off here in the last ten years or so, and even now it's nowhere near as big as it is in the US. It sounds like a lot of fun, though. Especially, the parties afterwards. This poem describes it all brilliantly.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Caerlynn Nash

I've just read your poem, {item:}, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I love the message this poem contains. It's really relevant to everyone who has any kind of purpose or passion in life. It's definitely how I feel about writing. In this poem, you say that we all need a purpose. We need some kind of legacy to leave behind us, but more importantly, we need a reason to get out of bed in the morning. When you find that something, then your life won't be wasted. I love it. I hadn't really thought of it like this before, but you're spot on.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: We have seven quatrains, all containing roughly five syllables (this does vary on some lines). This poem is free verse, meaning there is no structured form or rhyme scheme. I really like free verse poetry, and I think it is a great medium for conveying emotion and advice. It allows the poet a lot of room for creativity. In this poem, however, I wonder if it might have a more readable rhythm if you had end of line rhymes. I only say this because I read the first two lines, and I thought it was going to be a poem with rhymes. They felt like they would lead on to a rhyme. So, when I read the following two lines, and there was no rhyme, it fell a little flat. Just a little. I found it a little difficult to get a rhythm going as I continued reading. I appreciate it's free verse. But there should still be some kind of rhythm.

*StarG* What I really liked: "To arise in the morning / Our passion to follow." It's a great feeling, that's for sure. You phrase it eloquently here. I also love these lines: "We search for a purpose / A reason to breathe." That's part of being human, isn't it? We all need to find that something which makes out hearts soar. Otherwise, what's the point?

*StarP* Suggestions: This is more of a query than a suggestion. In the first line of the second stanza, you say, "A name or a stone?" I just wonder if you meant "name on a stone?"

*StarR* Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this poem. I love the message. I love how you have clearly found the thing you were born to do, in writing. It's a really positive, feel good poem. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Driftwood  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Aiden Chelsey

I've just read your poem, "Driftwood, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I was intrigued by your title when I saw this poem in the Noticing Newbies newsletter. I think it works wonderfully for a metaphor of the thoughts and memories of a person with Alzheimer's. It's really clever, and as I first read through, I became lost in the haunting images you create. It's a really moving poem. The Biblical references throughout are really nicely done. The image of "Judas haunting the garden" is really good.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: There are six quatrains, all with an abcb rhyme scheme, and this rhyme helps the poem to flow really nicely. In addition to this, the a and c lines almost rhyme each time. I think that is probably intentional, and it's a really nice trick to use. There is a wonderful, natural rhythm, and when you read the poem aloud, it sounds great.

*StarG* What I really liked: All of it! From your bold first line: "I've dined at the table of kings," I love every word of this. (Should it be tables, though?) These lines are particularly emotive: "Memories scattered in landscapes / like driftwood on tides of remorse." That is the most beautiful use of imagery. It really is. Also, "Concealed by white picket fences / Where memories unravel like thread." You have a unique way of seeing things; a poet's vision, I like to call it.

*StarBr*Queries: I do have one query. For most of the poem, you seem to be writing as though it's the narrator who has Alzheimer's. But, when you start to write about Mary and conversing with Jesus, I thought maybe it was the narrator speaking about someone they are close to. I got a little bit confused by that part. I'm sure it's just me, but I thought I would mention it.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: It was a pleasure to read this poem of yours. I have to say I'm excited to read more from you and to see where you take your talent. This poem is beautiful and haunting and really, really emotional. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Savanna Klavano

I've just read your poem, "Reflexion of Seasonal Strolls, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewer's Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: As I first read through, I found myself smiling. The poem is a lovely picture of nature at its most gentle and relaxed. It made me feel warm and happy.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This is a chain of four haiku, and the rhythm lies in their 5, 7, 5 syllabic count. This works all the way through really nicely, except for the second line of the first haiku: "flowers pushing through soil." This is only six syllables. You could add the word the before soil to make it seven syllables. That said, it doesn't detract from the overall effect of the poem. I'm just being picky, and I would only change that line to make it four exact haiku.

The poem has a great rhythm. It flows really well and tells your readers a story of the changing seasons. I did wonder who this line is about: "Sweat trickles from brow." I assume it is the narrator, as he is watching the animals playing. I was just a little confused because the next line reads, "the smell of the river tempts." It kind of reads as thought the smell of the river is tempting whoever owns the sweaty brow. Maybe I'm just overthinking this.

*StarG* What I really liked: "I watch the cubs swim." There's something really refreshing and joyful about this line. I could picture the baby bears splashing and playing in the water. It's a beautiful image. I love the way you follow nature through the seasons. One of the ways you show us the marching time is by saying, "Fawns now full-grown deer." Again, what a beautiful image that conjures up! I really love your imagery. It's great. The whole poem feels as though it has an orange and yellow glow to it. It emits warmth.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a beautiful poem. I really like it, and I think you have a natural talent for creating great imagery. If you're interested in writing haiku and haiku chains, can I suggest you look up the haiku sonnet? It's a lovely form that consists of four haikus, then a couplet of (usually) 7, 5 at the end. It's a form I particularly love, and I think you could write a great one.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Disappeared  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Diane

I've just finished reading your short story, "Disappeared, and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: Oh! Poor Lucinda! Before I began reading, I expected this story to be told from the point of view of the girl's mother; not the girl. This is a nice twist to have Lucinda narrate this.

Plot: Eight year old Lucinda is waiting for her older sister (who is always late) to collect her from school. When a van pulls up to her and a woman gets out, claiming to have come on behalf of her mother, the child warily gets into the van. I love the way you show her thinking about stranger danger and all the reasons she shouldn't get into the van. She has a feeling she shouldn't trust the woman. But she said her mother sent her, so she ignores her doubts. The story plays out with Lucinda seeing three other children in the van, all tied up and blindfolded. They are all driven to a hovel somewhere she doesn't recognise. Inside the house, there are lots of other children and women.

I have to admit, I felt the story was unfinished. We see Lucinda arrive at the house, but we don't know exactly what the kidnappers' intentions are. We also don't know whether her mother will find her. In your description, you ask the question of whether she will be found. But it's not really answered because Lucinda's story doesn't really end here.

What I really liked: The plot. It's cleverly written and it kept me hooked right until the end. I love the way you build up the suspense at the beginning, with Marta being late, and Lucinda wet, cold, and fed up. We know something will happen. Then, when it does, the suspense builds through Lucinda's fears. I also love the description of the boy who knocked Lucinda over, when she sees him at the house: "A small boy, feral, a runt, comes close." Just in that little description, we know the boy is abused and misused. It gives us a great picture of him.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. You write beautifully, and you have created great characters. Even though we only saw snippets of the kidnappers, we have wonderful images of them. I would love you to write more of this story. I really want to know if/how Lucinda escapes.

Keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review of Behind My Mind  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi J.N.Z

I've just finished reading your short story, "Behind My Mind, and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: My first thoughts: I love this story. I love your title, and your brief description intrigued me. As I began reading, you kept me hooked with your descriptions of what Aurora was seeing that wasn't really there. I had to know what was wrong with her. I also had to know that she was going to be okay. So, great job with making me care about the main character.

Plot: Aurora is a girl who doesn't see things the same way as others. In her first day at a new school (I assume it's a new school), she sees a monster and he chases her out of the classroom. The next day, she doesn't want to go to school, and when she does, her class all laugh at her. All, except one girl. She asks Aurora what's wrong, and Aurora tells her she has schizophrenia. I love how Joslyn doesn't judge her. I love the ending. It's really moving.

What I really liked: The end. I also love the way you create such a fragile, vulnerable character in Aurora. I wanted so badly for things to get better for her. And, in the end, they did. She had a friend, which meant she became less vulnerable and stronger. I love this character. This description, from when Aurora sees the monster, is fantastic: "Wisps of darkness linger near it."

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation:

Dropnote

Suggestions: My only suggestion is to watch your tenses. This piece is written in the present tense. But there are a few places where you use the past tense. For example, at the beginning, you say, "The cracks now had oozing liquid spreading out." Another example is where you say, "Once I looked up I recognize the girl from my bus." Just make sure you stick to one tense. That's my only suggestion.

Final thoughts: This is a well written story that has a great emotional pull. Your character is beautifully crafted, and I would love to read more stories about her. She is compelling. You've done a great job here.

Keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Haunting Home  
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi sjd_write

I've just finished reading your short story, "Haunting Home, and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: I wasn't sure what to expect when I began reading this story. But I was intrigued by your brief description. As I first read through, I really enjoyed the story. It's entertaining, and it kept me hooked until the end. I wanted to know what the main character had to do to complete his list.

Plot: This is the story of a teenage lad who is killed in a car accident. You show him, firstly, as stuck; unable to move. He can see his dead body being worked on by the doctors, then he wakes at the funeral home, sees his own funeral, and then, something changes. He starts to fall and can move his body. He lands on the ground, being held by a girl about his age. But his sight is still black and white. In order to get his colour vision back, there are tasks he must complete. You show him saying his goodbyes to his family and, once that is done, he can see again. I like how you end the story with your character flying away to go have fun, haunting people.

I did think you could have shown a little more emotion in this piece. It's potentially a really moving story. But, the character doesn't really feel much. For example, when he awakes in the funeral home, he doesn't know where he is. But you don't show any fear in him, which I would have thought he would feel. It's all very matter-of-fact. You give us a list of what happens, but that reminds us you're telling a story. It doesn't pull the reader inside, so they can see and feel things from the character's point of view.

What I really liked: "That done, I flew away into the night sky, in search of someone to spook. Now the fun could begin." The last line is brilliant! It made me smile. Also, in spite of what I said earlier about emotion, I liked the light tone to this. I liked the positivity.

Suggestions: I have a tip regarding the presentation. Double space in between paragraphs. As it is at the moment, it's all a little bunched up. It would look more appealing to readers if it was separated.

Final thoughts: I enjoyed reading this story. I came away from it feeling warm and happy. It's a nice take on this difficult subject.

Keep writing!

Choconut


Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewer's...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Myles Abroad

I've just finished reading your short story, "Going Home to Say Goodbye, and I'd like to offer the following comments:

My first impressions: This is a story that tugged at my heartstrings from the very first line. I love how you set up the leaden sky and drizzle as a way of reflecting the main character's emotions. He has just attended his mother's funeral, and now wants some time alone to revisit his mother's home—his childhood home.

Plot: This is an emotive story in which the reader sees Jimmy (a man who is grieving) imagining a conversation between himself and his deceased mother. You do a great job of showing his grief. The scene in the kitchen is really moving. I love how his mother tells him he has to live his life and not worry about her and not get lost in his grief. I think that's what any loving mother would say to their child, isn't it. At the end of the story, I'm not sure whether his mother's spirit was really there, or whether his grief played a trick on him. You don't clarify, which I like. I'm glad we can reach our own conclusions. (I think she was really there.)

What I really liked: The part where Jimmy first walks up to his old home, and you describe the memories that flood his mind. I love that paragraph. It brought a tear to my eye. I could relate to it. Then, when he first enters the house, and calls, "Mammy. It's Jimmy..." That induced a few more tears!

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: There are some run-on sentences, but they didn't detract from the impact of the story. One example of this is, "She sat down, took a sip of her tea and placed the delicate cup back on the saucer, the shake in her grip causing a rattle of the Delph." I would change it to, "She sat down and took a sip of her tea. When she replaced the cup in the saucer, her shaking hand caused the Delph to rattle." Something like that. Watch how many semi colons you use. Make sure they are the right punctuation mark. Check that a period or comma wouldn't work better.

Final thoughts: This is a really well written, moving story. I love the tenderness with which you write. It's a story I could relate to a lot, and I think you have written a fantastic piece.

Keep writing!

Choconut



Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
In affiliation with WDC Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Royal Eduardo

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WDC Power Reviewers Group [E].

My first thoughts: I love your title. I was intrigued to read this, as I'm a fan of film noir. I love the humour you use in this story, and I could totally see it as a play. I could picture the scene in my head as I read the narrative.

Plot: Firstly, I love the way you casually say, "When I was alive, tequila was like water." That made me sit up and take notice. Great job with that. The plot is a kind of farce situation, where three roommates have a "session" with a Senator. All three roommates have secrets they don't want to become public. But then, the morning after their drinking session, the Senator disappears, then is murdered. They all have motives, but who did it? It's a great plot. It reminded me of "An Inspector Calls." The villain of this piece, however, is identifiable. The Senator's wife. The police are called, and she is caught (after confessing).

I felt the story seemed a little hurried. It would have been good to see a little more of the fear and panic the roommates feel. Also, it would have been good to see some of the party, to get more of a feel for the characters.

Characters: The narrator is the dead grandmother of one of the roommates. I understand why you did this, and why you told it as her narration, but it would have been great to see it from one of the characters' points of view. You would have been able to give the reader more details by doing that. As it is, we didn't really get to know any of the characters very well.

What I liked: I love the farcical feeling it has. That's one of the reasons I think it would work so well as a play. It's quite a physical read, rather than an emotional one. I really like the plot. I think there is a lot more you could do with that.

Suggestions: I would work on the first line. That line is really important to hook the reader. "Four faces scrunched up as another tequila shot went down their throats." Firstly, I've learned recently that making body parts move of their own volition isn't the best way to describe things. So, rather than saying, "Four faces scrunched up," maybe you could say something like, "The four twenty-somethings scrunched up their faces." Also, saying the tequila, "went down their throats" is a bit of a bland description. Maybe, the tequila shots, "burned their throats."

This is a great example of film noir. It's an enjoyable read, and I would love to read (or watch) the play, if you ever turn it into one.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Cash & Carry  
In affiliation with WDC Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Gingerbreadly Merry

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WDC Power Reviewers Group [E].

My first thoughts: I love your title. It's intriguing, and when I read the brief description as well, I had to read the whole story. Your first line is excellent: "Shannon reached across the sprawl of groceries on the conveyor belt and picked up the checkout divider." I love the "sprawl of groceries" description. Fantastic!

Plot: This is a short piece about a woman who, when faced with temptation, has no choice other than to do the wrong thing. I love how you show the woman's irritation at how slowly the checkout queue is moving, and how inanely cheerful the checkout assistant is. I could really relate to how she was feeling. I'm sure most people probably could. Once we have experienced a little of the woman's irritation, we discover she is faced with a moral dilemma. The lady who was in front of her in the queue has left her cash and coupons at the checkout. The assistant hasn't noticed, and Shannon places her purse over these items, with a view to putting them in her own pocket. I love how you show her obsession with doing the deed before it's too late. When the woman returns, Shannon seizes her chance and tucks them inside her purse. An argument ensues between the customer and checkout assistant, both sure the other is at fault. Shannon is going to get away with this. No one suspects her! Enter: her daughter. Who saw the whole thing. "'Mommy found your money!'" she helpfully says. Oh! This really made me laugh. I wasn't expecting it at all. It's a brilliant ending.

Characters: Shannon is a great character. She is snarky, impatient, and greedy. All of these characteristics are well defined in this story. When I got to the end, I was torn between wanting her to get caught (because, let's face it, it was wrong. Also, she isn't a particularly nice character) and wanting her to get away with it. The addition of her daughter was just great.

Grammar: Just one typo: "Debbie turned to followed her gaze." It should be follow.

What I liked: I love your sense of humour. I also think you have a great skill for creating characters. Shannon is really well written. As I already mentioned, I loved the ending, as well. A great twist, and Shannon got what she deserved.

I really enjoyed reading this. I'm not surprised it won The Writer's Cramp. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



Image #2118746 over display limit. -?-



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Birds That Mimic  
In affiliation with WDC Power Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi amy-Very Very Busy

This review is in affiliation with "WDC Power Reviewers Group.

I've read your piece about birds and conservation, as requested. I have a few suggestions. They're only minor, and on the whole I think it's really informative and really useful for anyone wanting to hunt birds.

*Starv* Your first sentence is written in the passive voice, by saying, "making sure that species populations are protected." I would change it to something like, "A big part of conservation is making sure we protect the many species' populations, so they can reproduce for another season." It's not a big change, but I think it makes it a little stronger.

*Starv* The second sentence I would change slightly. I know long sentences can be frowned upon as run-on, but I think this one would work. I would say, " . . . but means that the species is no longer available for hunting, therefore, eliminating a lot of the enjoyment of hunting." Again, I'm suggesting that because of passive vs. active voice. Also, I think heartbreaking should be one word.

*Starv* " . . . but do mimic the birds that can." I would take out do.

*Starv* "They can, also, mimic the aggressive call of the eagle." I would switch also for even and lose the commas surrounding it.

That's it. As I said above, I think this is a really interesting piece, and I'm sure your Facebook group will love it. I have to say, I was fascinated by your descriptions of blue jays. We don't get them over here, so I've only ever seen pictures. I had no ideas they were such good mimics. Blackbirds are probably the greatest mimics we get over here. They can sound like lots of other birds.

I hope this is helpful.

Rachel



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
515 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 21 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purplesunday