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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purplesunday
Review Requests: OFF
1,207 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-if.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Night Dancing  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Char

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. Minja has gifted this review to you through my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Your opening line captures the reader instantly: "It creeps upon you slowly." Personally, that resonated with me big time. I really like your description in the first verse of mental illness curling itself around your blankets. I imagine it's common for sufferers to have trouble leaving their beds, so the fact that depression/bipolar/borderline; whatever the illness, is in their bed makes sense.

Voice/Tone: The narrator sounds tired. Especially, in the last verse. The last two lines are really sad: "Find out you are truly alone. / No one will go down with you." I also really like how you admit that you've always known you weren't normal; that your feelings weren't normal. Eventually, you had to admit it, rather than push it down and try to ignore it.

Mechanics: Although free verse, this poem does have a kind of structure, in its content. The first verse deals with the insidious way mental illness weaves itself through your life without you realising, at first, what is happening. In the second verse, you deal with acceptance. The third refers to the point where you ask for help, and the fourth is when you realise that help is overrated, and actually really hard to find. That is the journey of mental illness described perfectly. I found it really moving. I'm glad you used free verse for this. It means you have been super creative with your words.

My Favourite Part: The third verse is the one that has the greatest impact. Telling someone is such a hard thing to do, especially the first few times. You capture really well the difficulty in putting your illness into words. "'I’m sad. I’m helpless. / I feel nothing.'” It's so hard to admit those feelings to yourself, so to open them up to someone else is a huge deal. I love your description of how it feels to say these things: "Feel your heart stop, / Wait for a reaction." That's exactly how it feels. I was angered by the reaction of people telling you you don't feel the things you say you're feeling. I've had that, and it really pisses me off. Nobody knows what goes on in your mind.

This is a fantastic poem, Char. I note in your brief description you say it was a quick poem. Does that mean you wrote it quickly? Because, it's really well thought out. The overall feeling is one of hopelessness and resignation that this is how life will always be because no one is really able to help you. It's very relatable. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Grab The Harpoon!  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi ♥HOOves102♥

This review is part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the final of your Chocolate Orange Crisps reviews.

Please remember these reviews are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* The sardine makes a another appearance! I love it. Your brief description is so funny: "Evil Sentence Fragments Torment a Sardine Sandwich in County Mayo." Oh, and, how they torment him it. Joined by the Connemara whale, these evil sentence fragments cause the sandwich so much pain. Once again, you have written a hilarious piece that, at its heart, has an important message. Break the rules! Do it!

*StarV* As someone who likes to use sentence fragments, this article/story really appeals to me. I love this remark made by the whale: "Maybe using language to tell the story effectively and in an original way takes precedence over always following some rigid rules." So true.

*StarV* The Connemara whale thinks he's a funny guy by using sentence fragments in reply to the sardine sandwich, and I have to say, I agree with him. He made me laugh. I love how he points out how engrossed in the story the sandwich has been.

*Starv* I love how you incorporate the bookshop in Westport. I feel like this piece brings together the 'Streets of Dingle' poem and 'Sardine Sandwiches & Whales.' These three go nicely together, and I'm so glad you asked me to review them all together.

This is a witty, clever piece of satire. So many writers are "purists," who believe there is one way to write something, and anything outside of that is not worth reading. I have an aunt who refuses to acknowledge my free verse poetry is actually poetry because it doesn't rhyme. And there's no convincing her otherwise. Personally, I think rules are made to be broken. They make things interesting. I mean, you have to understand how to break them in a way that works, but I think it's largely instinctual, isn't it?

What I'm saying is, I love this piece of writing. It's another item that all writers could benefit from reading. Great work!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi ♥HOOves102♥

This review is part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the second review from your Chocolate Orange Crisps package.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* This is fantastic! It's so informative, while remaining hugely entertaining. I found myself laughing long and loud at a lot of this piece. But, what I thought was really clever was how, yes, it's funny, but the point you make by the end of the article is actually quite profound: don't worry too much about what others think. Write for you, tell your story. Even if there are people who think it stinks.

*StarV* I really wish I'd read this when I first came to Writing.com. I know, it's my fault because I've browsed your portfolio many times, but never noticed this. Which is odd, considering the name! It's such a great title (possibly the best I've ever read on this site), and your brief description expands on the intriguing subject matter. The reader has no idea what they will find when they open up this article, and I like that.

*Starv* The arguments in this essay are well-reasoned. I agree with everything you say. I love your examples of 1st Person and 3rd Person Omniscient narratives. While I understood them before, this part has brought me an even better understanding: "The sardine sandwich probably doesn't realize he is an egomaniac or that he smells bad so he's limited to his own outlook on the world. Showing the grilled cheese sandwich's reaction gives you another character's opinion." The examples you give, using these two characters, works really nicely, as well.

*Starv* I like how you go on to write about the skill of reviewing. You set out a good lesson for all reviewers: just because you don't enjoy a specific subject matter, it doesn't mean the piece isn't well written. Also, readers' views are always subjective. Everyone has different views, and some will love your work; some will not. This line, which you have written in red to highlight its importance, is so true: "Just because you or I don't get it or like it doesn't mean it isn't good." We, as reviewers, could all benefit from remembering this.

*Starv* The last line is perfect: "So, you see, it's all in the eyes of the readers in the end. Don't give up if you have a story to tell, even if you are a sardine sandwich."

All newbies should read this. The way you write with great humour, while imparting an important message, and giving writing advice, is so appealing. I'm sure newbies could learn a lot from this. Non-newbies, as well. It's a great piece of writing.

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi ♥HOOves102♥

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the first of your Chocolate Orange Crisps package.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love this! The title is a fantastic hook, as is the first line. Dingle is such a magical, happy sounding name. It made me smile instantly. "We walked the streets of Dingle." Perfect. There is no way anyone can read that line and pass on the rest of the poem.

Voice/Tone: The voice is light and warm and slightly nostalgic. The narrator is showing the readers all the fab things they encountered when they visited Ireland. It's clearly a very special holiday, and that shines through in your writing. You make the reader want to visit all these places. The picture at the end is pure brilliance!

Mechanics: There is an abcb rhyme scheme throughout, and this gives the poem a fantastic rhythm. The pace is quick and light. It kind of skips along, and it's so endearing. There is just one place where I felt the rhythm was lost a little, and that is this line: "Connemara there beyond some bends." It either has too many syllables, or maybe the meter is slightly different. That said, now I've read it, and I know how it should sound, it reads fine.

My Favourite Part: Oh, so many fab lines. This one made me chuckle: "The roads were never flat." That's true of where I live, also. I can understand how it would leave an impression on you. I also really laughed when I read this part: "We found a herd of cows, / I remembered how to live." Mostly, though, I love the warmth and happiness that emanates from every single word. The end, where you describe going to Chawke's Pub and listening to songs sung by Noel McLoughlin, reminds me of an Irish man who worked with my dad. He went home to Ireland for a month every year and always returned with tales of Guiness and nights spent singing and listening to music in pubs. He was so entertaining.

Oh, Hoovsie, I love this poem. It's so fun and joyful. I know you don't have ratings for this poem, but I would have given it a 5*Star*. It's a really great way to start my day; reading this. I really want to visit Ireland now. We saw Bob Dylan in Dublin a few years ago, but we didn't have time for sightseeing. This poem: fantastic!

Keep writing!

Choconut




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of May Angels Watch  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi VictoriaMcCullough

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is your final review from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem is beautiful. I was hooked from your first line: "May Angels watch from distant lighthouses." There's something about lighthouses that is very spiritual, and this is a great way of grabbing your reader's attention. As I continued to read, I loved the message of angels watching over us and guiding and protecting us in all we do. I remember, not long after my Dad passed away, I was sat in my work's office. He came into my head, and I felt tearful. At that moment, a white feather floated in through an open window and landed on my shoulder. A part of me really believes it was a sign from him, and that he is my guardian angel now.

Voice/Tone: The tone of this poem is very calming and reassuring. The idea that we all have these spiritual/supernatural beings who look after us is so positive. "May they break your falls when in too deep," is a fantastic line. We all have times when things get too much and we need a soft place to fall. What I really like about this poem is how you address the reader directly. You are offering us your good wishes, and it feels like you are speaking right to me.

Mechanics: I'm not sure if this poem is any specific form? I don't think so. But, there is the obvious use of repetition of the word May at the start of each line. Also, the rhyme scheme is abab throughout. I love this rhyme. It really helps give the poem a good pace and a natural rhythm. It makes it a pleasure to read.

My Favourite Part: The message. I love how peaceful I felt at the end of this poem. It's hard to pick a favourite line because they are all great, but this one really stands out for me: "May Angels fill your blue skies." That feels so free, so sunny, so light. I love it. I also love, "May they live through your memories to keep." This reminds me of both my parents. They are my angels.

This is a beautiful poem. It leaves the reader with a sense of peace, and it's very reassuring and soothing. I really hope there are angels watching over us.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Verse  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi VictoriaMcCullough

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the second review from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is fantastic! I was intrigued by the title and your brief description. I don't think I've read a poem about poetry before, and I have to say this one really made me smile. It's clever, unique, and such a great read.

Voice/Tone: The voice of the narrator in this poem is that of someone who, not only loves poetry, but understands exactly what makes it work. It is the voice of someone who understands the tricks and intricacies that can be used to make a lyrical, flowing poem. The tone is warm and happy. I love the couplet that asks, "Shall it be a Spenserian or / a Chaucerian stanza?" I could almost hear the smile in your voice as you ask this. It's so appealing.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, in that there is no set rhyme scheme. However, the internal rhymes and use of the very things you describe (assonance, consonance, alliteration) give the poem a wonderful rhythm. It zips along at a great pace, and there are no bumpy areas. It's so clever.

My Favourite Part: The whole poem! Every word seems to be placed with perfect precision, and I really admire that. The poem reads flawlessly, and that's because of your writing skill. I love the clever words in your first verse. These, in particular: "We can alliterate our dreams / or assonate them to be subtle." That's such a great description. The second verse has amazing rhythm. When you write about an ode having "wings and wants to fly," it felt like the the words were kind of floating off the page. Then, we have the penultimate verse, where you mention the raw materials of poetry; emotions, musicality, "form, meter, imagery." Brilliant!

I love this poem, Victoria. I love how you capture the passion people like us who like to write poetry feel. It's so clever, but also beautifully written. It's a great poem. Love it!

Keep writing!

Choconut




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Ever Near To You  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi VictoriaMcCullough

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the first of the reviews which Princess Megan Rose gifted to you.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I chose to review this poem firstly because it's very appropriate, as Megan kindly donated the reviews. As I first read through, I was touched by how strong your friendship is. It's a beautiful tribute, and I imagine she was overjoyed when she read it.

Voice/Tone: The tone of the poem is warm and filled with love. From the first line, we see this: "From distant hills I see your face ..." The voice is personal and intimate. It's impossible to read this and not be struck by how important your friendship is.

Mechanics: You have written this poem in the Burns Stanza tradition, with a few slight modifications. The first two verses, this works perfectly, even though the syllables in the longer lines aren't exact. The last verse, I felt the rhythm wasn't quite as good. It was just slightly off. I think the meter is a little off. However, this isn't a huge problem. I understand you wanted to include everything you had to say, and so you modified the form to fit your requirements. The poem still has a great flow through each verse. It reads fluidly.

My Favourite Part: I love the emotion in this poem. I love the overall warm feeling it leaves me with. It's hard to choose specific parts as my favourites, but I love, "I think on how much joy you place / in this old heart." That's so lovely. Also, as a fellow writer and reader, I love this line: "Like a gracious and wise paperback ..." (Although, you have put two As in the line.)

This is a delightful poem. It's a joy to read it. You've taken on a tricky poetic form, and changed it up a little. The result is a beautiful, powerful tribute to a wonderful friend.

Keep writing!

Choconut




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewers'...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Legendary Mask aka Girlw/a💓

I've just read your poem, "I See The Tears She Sheds, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "OPEN HOUSE Forum. It is in a affiliation with "PDG Rockin' Reviewers' Group.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: The very first thing I noticed is I love the title of this poem. Secondly, there shouldn't be an apostrophe in Shed's. As I first read through, I found this to be a really emotional poem. I can tell you put a lot of yourself into this. I love it when I read a poem (or any piece of writing) where the writer has poured their soul into it. It feels like that's what you've done here, and the result is excellent.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse, so there is no set rhythm or rhyme scheme. That suits the subject matter perfectly. Free verse takes out the restrictions and allows you the creativity to express yourself. In this poem, the result is a passionate response to the fantastic job out troops carry out on our behalf. It highlights the price that too many military persons and their families pay on a daily basis. Why? So that we can remain safe. As an English person, I'd never heard of Chris Kyle, so I Googled him. It seems that, even though he didn't die at war, his death was, nonetheless, as a result of war.

Although there are no set rhythm requirements in free verse, there does still need to be a poetic feeling and a rhythm that works. That is the case for most of this poem. If I'm honest, the longer lines throw the rhythm off a little, but it's not a big issue because their content makes up for it.

*StarG* What I really liked: Your passion. I love your voice in this poem. It's genuine, and also really likeable. I also love the way you rhyme tyranny with enemies in the last verse. That really appeals to me. The overall idea of the American flag mourning another fallen hero, and then narrating this poem, is a great one. It's a little different, and I like your creativity.

*StarP* Suggestions: A couple of commas I would take out: " ... waving in all her, glory ..." Also, "Her sons and daughters who gave of themselves, their lives to protect us from tyranny." Both these sentences shouldn't have those commas.

This line confused me a little: "May we still have the right to bear our arms to protect those against our enemies." This reads as those you want to bear arms against people who are fighting your enemies, and I don't think that's what you meant? I would try to rewrite this line, if I were you.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a great poem, Teresa. I really enjoyed reading it. It's thought-provoking and really well written. Great work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewers'...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi May Flowers Shopgirl 739

I've just finished reading your short story, "The Night Messengers, and I'd like to offer the following comments as your second Chocolate Fudge review. It is in affiliation with "PDG Rockin' Reviewers' Group.

My first impressions: I really enjoyed reading this story. From your brief description, I was intrigued; both by the four friends' relationship, and by the meaning of the dream. As I read through, I found myself completely lost in the story. I find dream analysis fascinating, so to read a story about it really appeals to me.

Plot: Four long-time friends come together over a fire and a couple of bottles of Merlot. They each describe a dream they had recently. When it comes to Cassie, she gives a really detailed account of her dream involving a white wolf, decorating her house porch, and a mysterious cloaked woman. I could kind of relate to this. Not because I've had a similar dream, but because of how vivid and complex the dream seems. Mine tend to be like that. All three friends try to figure out Cassie's dream. Lisa, being a psychologist, leads the way. While Cassie sleeps that night, the friends have fun researching a ton of theories about what the dream meant.

What I really liked: I really like the scene in the morning, where Cassie goes out to the patio with her friends. I love this description of the view: "The sea was fairly calm and the sunlight sparkled on the water." I'd love to be able to have my breakfast looking out at that every day. You continue to say, " ... she caught sight of a line of pelicans skimming the surface looking for a meal." Nice descriptions. I also love the friendship these four women share. It feels comfortable and easy for them. It's nicely written.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I've put my suggestions in a dropnote again.

Grammar Suggestions

Final thoughts: I have to ask: Is this based on a real dream you had? And, also, are these genuine theories regarding this kind of dream? It's fascinating stuff. I really like this story. It has some nice descriptive details and a lovely friendship at the heart of it. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewers'...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi May Flowers Shopgirl 739

I've just finished reading your short story, "The Emerald Paladin, and I'd like to offer the following comments as your first Chocolate Fudge review. It is in affiliation with "PDG Rockin' Reviewers' Group.

My first impressions: I don't think I've read any of your fiction before; only your poetry. So, I thought it was about time I had a read. This is an enjoyable story. As I first read through, I loved the suspense you create by having your main character fall into a dungeon-type room. The darkness, strange sounds, mystery of her grandfather's locked diary. They all add to the creepy feeling of this piece.

Plot: A girl has been left a locked diary in her grandfather's will, and now she is on a quest to find the key to unlock it. I love how you mention her two friends who are many floors above her; showing the reader that she is on her own. She knows there is some important family secret(s) in the diary, and she needs to find the key. When she finally finds the key to the door, and steps into the dark corridor, I love how it's lit with torches on the walls. That's a great visual.

If I'm honest, I was disappointed with the ending. It didn't really feel like the end of the story. The whole way through, Jessie is seeking this all-important key, so she can find out what is in the diary. It's built up to be a big deal, but then we don't learn what it is. "'This had better be worth it, Grandpop,' was her warning to the universe as she set out upon her journey." You end with this line, which seems more of a beginning than an end. I don't know if you have a word restriction for this? It might be worth writing the story from this point, though.

What I really liked: I love the mystery, the suspense, intrigue. Jessie is a good character. She is likeable, and the reader wants her to get out of the dungeon alive. I have to say, although I mentioned the above line, saying it doesn't feel like an ending, I do really like that line. It shows Jessie's character. The diary itself is interesting. I really want to know what's in there that meant Jessie had to play Dungeons & Dragons to find the key.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I have a few suggestions. I've put them in this dropnote.

Grammar Suggestions

Suggestions: In general, you use the word that quite a few times. For example, " ... she checked to make sure that there was nothing broken." That is a filler word, and it's usually not necessary. It tends to make sentences a little more awkward. In this sentence, if you removed it, the sentence would still make sense, and it would read more smoothly. So, my advice is to check you prose for thats and take out as many as possible.

Final thoughts: I enjoyed reading your story. I love the premise. I love the dark and creepy feeling, and I love the mystery over the diary's key and the family secret. I would love to read the rest of Jessie's journey, though, because I don't think it ends here.

Keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Dear Daughters  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Faith Raine

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the Strawberry Surprise review from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. I love this poem. The message you convey is such a positive and important one. As I first read through, I found myself relating to every word. As a girl/woman who always struggled with self image, I know this poem is one that a lot of girls could also relate to, and one that might help them to gain some perspective.

Voice/Tone: The tone is one of a wise person imparting her knowledge. The narrator is fairly passionate in her plea to young girls to value themselves for attributes other than their beauty or popularity. Instead, you ask them to look inside, at their intelligence and inner strength. I love that!

Mechanics: I don't think this is any specific form, although it does have an aabbcc, etc. rhyme throughout. There are some great rhymes in there, as well. For example, "The beauty, strength, and so much sass / The things you can do, build, surpass." These lines are great. That sass really does come from within, and not without. There are two places where you change rhyme scheme: "Do more than this generation has ever done / You, yes you daughter / You are the one." I'm not sure why you separate the last two lines here, rather than making them one, so that the flow continues as it has been. Unless, you want to make these lines stand out to show that you are talking to whomever is reading this. Also, the last two lines don't rhyme. You write, "Just know daughters of now that I am here in your corner / Praying for you as hard as I know how." I stumbled over this last line because I'd built up a rhythm with a rhyme scheme, and then you just cut it off at the end. I'm not sure why.

My Favourite Part: The message. Love it. These lines are wonderful: "The intelligence you hide by dumbing yourself down / trying to keep those so-called "friends" around." It's such an accurate observation of what it's like to be a teenage girl. The line I mentioned above, regarding beauty, strength, and sass is also fabulous. Your use of sass here reminds me of Maya Angelou's "Still I Rise." It's so good.

Suggestions: This is more of a typo, than a suggestion. "Find a goo mentor ..." It should be good.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I love your message and your own sass. This poem should be required reading for all pre-teen girls (and, maybe, boys as well). It's such a positive outlook, and I absolutely love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Mother Nature  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi KatVon

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is your Strawberry Surprise review from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a lovely, light poem. When first reading it, it felt as though the lines kind of skipped along. They dance lightly over you as you read and take in the story. I love the warmth that comes from "the girl with sun on her skin." It leaves the reader feeling happy. I could be way off here, but it sounds as though it could have been written with a specific little girl in mind.

Voice/Tone: The tone is light. Even the part where you say, "Whenever hurting or lonely, it rains." You speak of the girl having "dew in her veins," which is a beautiful description, and it makes the rain and the hurt seem not so bad.

Mechanics: I don't think this poem is any particular form. There are ten lines, all with ten syllables, and an aabbcc, etc. rhyme scheme. The rhyme scheme really helps with the rhythm and the flow of the poem. It helps to make it seem almost like a nursery rhyme. It's definitely lyrical.

Rhythm: There are a couple of places where the rhythm is a little off. The line above that begins, "Whenever ..." This line does have the same amount of syllables, but the meter is slightly different, and it's just not quite right. Also, the last line is a little off. It's the "she does sing" part, I think. These aren't huge issues. Once I'd read it through a couple of times, it reads perfectly smoothly.

My Favourite Part: "Runs through the world leaving life in her wake." I love this line. It's such a great description of exactly what it's like to watch your children grow and explore. I also wondered if the girl is actually Mother Nature. I'm not sure.

Suggestions: Only one tiny point. "But she's what paints the grass such a rich green." I'd say it should be who, not what because the girl is person, not an object.

I love this poem. What a great, little read. I love your imagery. It's rich and descriptive and a joy to read. Excellent work!

Keep writing!

Choconut




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of In My Head  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi CJ

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. This review is part of "MHWA Monthly Mental Health Challenge.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a powerful poem. I love the speed at which the words appear. It feels like it's reflecting the turmoil taking place inside your head. I found it an emotional read because I can relate to a lot of what you say. Those voices suck the life out of you, don't they? It really feels like this is exactly what's going on in your head. That inner narrator we all have is making you question everything, and it's hard. Really hard. But really well written and well described.

Voice/Tone: The tone is one of anxiety. This is reflected in the short statements each line contains. It's like you're searching for answers to your own mind. You're searching to understand and get some peace. You're trying to explain it to yourself and others.

Mechanics: I imagine this poem is spoken really quickly. Each line is quick fire and a complete thought. The free verse form lends itself really well to this kind of poem. I don't know if you've ever written a Blitz Poem? But, this one reminds me a little of one of those. It might be interesting to try to write it as a Blitz. Here's a link for Blitz poems: Blitz Poems  .

This poem feels like you're trying to reassure yourself that you're okay and you will survive. The lines that state: " I’m not crazy. Although I feel it sometimes. / I’m not a psycho. Although I feel it sometimes. / I’m not dangerous. Although I feel it sometimes." highlight how you're trying to provide some comfort for yourself. I don't think you're speaking to anyone else at that point.

My Favourite Part: I love the progression of your thoughts, to the end, which is really powerful: "If i give in, / And listen to the voices. / Just know that it wasn’t, / Without a / Fight." I totally get that. I understand how the constant fight against the voices wears you out, and there are days you just don't care whether you make it to another or not. This poem expresses that really clearly. I also love the first three words you use to describe the thoughts in your mind. By likening them to a twister, cyclone, and tornado, we see how quickly they are moving and how much turmoil and destruction they are leaving in their wake. That's really clever.

This is another great poem from you, CJ. I really like your style. I really like the emotion you pour into your writing. You're very brave in how much of yourself you put into your content. I admire that. I love the honesty in your writing. It's a really great poem.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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14
14
Review of I’ll Remember  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Dragon- recuperating, back l8r

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is part of "MHWA Monthly Mental Health Challenge.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. This poem is so sad. It's beautifully written and describes the destruction of a relationship. The destruction of a person, even. The narrator has a friend who thought she had found the perfect relationship, but he sounds as though he was controlling and manipulative, always making her feel she wasn't good enough. And, now that she feels that way about herself, she can't go back to the person she was before him.

Voice/Tone: The narrator in this poem sounds hurt, betrayed. But it's not on their own behalf. They seem to be speaking to someone who tried to change someone they care about, never being happy with who she really was. They sound angry and bitter, and that's understandable. I think I would feel the same way. Once you make a person feel that badly about themselves, it is really hard for them to feel differently. It's not impossible, though.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, which I love. It's the perfect vehicle for you to express your feelings and be creative. I love those two lines which are on their own: "Except 'should' doesn’t always work / even if it’s 'better.'" They are so poignant, and making them stand alone highlights their importance.

Rhythm: The short lines and verses give the poem a fairly slow pace. This works brilliantly, as it makes the reader pause and reflect on what you're saying. It's a clever tool to use. The poem has a natural rhythm that works really well, with no bumpy parts.

My Favourite Part: Those last two lines are killer: "because how it is / can never be like how it was." That really is heartbreaking. I also love the creativity of using the butterfly metaphor. That's so fresh and unique. I really like it.

This is a really great poem, Dragon. It's moving and so beautifully written. I love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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15
15
Review of We'll Rise Up  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Winnie Kay

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This review is from your Strawberry Surprise package gifted to you by Andy52in52~Wodehousing .

My first thoughts: Wow. This story is beautifully written, really engaging, and it tugs at the reader's heartstrings. I was hooked from the very beginning. When I realised what I was witnessing, I couldn't turn away until the end. It's such a fantastic idea for a story. I remember this prompt when it came out. It was based on a song, wasn't it?

Plot: This is a story of good triumphing over bad. It's a story of how you should always treat others with respect and dignity. The plot begins with an evil overseer on a farm beating a slave who is tied to a tree. The slave's mother and daughter stand watching. This description is horrific: "The whip cracked, cutting deep into the skin and pulling away pieces of flesh as it recoiled back to the punisher's feet, ready for the next blow." It's such a great description, though. It makes the reader a witness to this terrible act of cruelty. It makes us complicit, in a way. Which makes us think about our own actions a little more.

What I love is how this story doesn't end with the downtrodden slave. This story is about rising up and overcoming adversities. We learn that Granny Mama's grandfather was a great shaman in Africa. When his daughter was stolen, he cursed anybody who ever did her or her direct descendants harm. He also predicted the fourth generation of the family will rise up and fight a bloody war which, eventually, they shall win. When Bertha tells this story to Tillie, it gives her strength to believe their suffering will soon end. The icing on the cake, for me, is when the overseer is found dead. He has been strangled by his own whip. That's a nice detail. I also love how JJ's wounds heal really quickly, and he goes back to work the next day.

Characters: The characters are the stars of this story. You have created likeable, real, brave characters. Tillie, in particular, is a gem. I love her from the moment we see her stood, digging her fingernails into her palms. She has so much anger inside. That's completely understandable, though. I would have felt the same. Her speech is fab. She sounds like a ten year old child. This line made me fall even further in love with her: "'All's I gotta learn is how to kill ‘em, Granny Mama ...'" I love her guts. I could picture this scrappy, tomboyish kid ready to fight to the death.

Bertha is another great character. Actually, they all are. Even the overseer. He is brilliantly evil. "The overseer grinned as he drew back the whip." It's simple, but it tells us so much about how much he enjoys the power he has over the slaves. I imagine he is probably bottom of the pile in life in every other aspect.

Grammar: Excellent. Of course. I was never going to find lots of grammar issues in something written by you. There is this one place I'm not entirely sure about, though. "Papa, how you up and around already? After that beating?" It feels like it should be all one sentence.

What I liked: Oh, my! I love the just desserts served upon Patrick McDonald. I love the magic of Bertha's story, and how it really does seem to be true. I found this line really moving: "Tillie felt her grandmother flinch beside her, but no one moved; no one spoke, their faces expressionless." I tried to imagine what it must have been like, knowing that this really happened a lot. The way nobody dares move or defend their friend because the consequences would be too terrible. The silence in that moment must have been overwhelming. You do such a great job of pulling your readers inside the story. I really felt I was there, watching in silence.

This is another place I found emotional. "The girl picked up a small pebble and threw it at the chickens pecking in the yard. They squawked and flittered around." I know it's not one of the overtly emotional scenes, but it struck me how these two sentences, set in another story in another time, could tell of an entirely different child and family. It could be about a little girl who is free to run around and play. She could be living an idyllic life. And I found that really moving.

This line is also a great one: "And she knew that a proud black man in South Carolina in 1860 was a dangerous thing to be." It sends a chill down your spine. It forces you to remember a time in history it's much easier to forget.

I'm sorry, Winnie. I don't have any clever suggestions for improvement. I think this story is perfect as it is. It's so well written. Your style is inviting and immersive. Your descriptions are rich and so vivid. I kind of forgot I was reading during my first read-through. I became lost inside the world of fear and pain. But, this story isn't just about that, and that's what makes it extra special. It's about hope and courage and doing the right thing. I love it. Absolutely love it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



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16
16
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi R E Baker- Hunter Games Shrek

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is the final of your Chocolate Truffle reviews.

My first thoughts: It's been quite a while since I read one of your stories. I'd forgotten how much I love your writing. This story is fantastic. Right from the start, you hooked me with, "Virginia Clark choked back tears as she hovered over her wife's deathbed." I became lost in the story of these two women; one in her lsat moments, the other preparing to mourn the love of her life. The story really tugs at the reader's heartstrings. In particular, the first part, where Maria is dying. It's beautifully written.

Plot: On the surface, this story is about a woman who dies of cancer, leaving her wife distraught. But, it's about more than that. It's about faith, about holding on and not giving up, and it's about believing our loved ones are always watching over us, waiting for our moment to join them. It's also about grief. Virginia is so distraught after Maria dies that she tries to take an overdose. I love the whole scene where she is in Maria's favourite place in Costa Rica. Is it real? Does she really see Maria and her dead relatives, or is it a hallucination due to the overdose? I'd like to think it's real.

Characters: Virginia is an interesting character. I wonder why she has such a hatred for religion and god. I know she says she doesn't believe in a god, but the amount of hatred she has toward the concept suggests otherwise. I guess she was treated badly because of her sexuality, and that has something to do with it. I love how the priest phones her just at the exact moment she is desperate to speak to someone. Is it divine intervention? Has Maria sent him? Whatever the reason, I hope he is a comfort to Virginia.

Grammar: A couple of minor points: "Morning sunbeams streamed through the window but did little to cheer the hospice room." I would place a comma after window. Also, "Within the next few hours, Virginia's soul mate would die." Soulmate is one word. "Her epic life's journey had transported her from the rain forests of Costa Rica to the salons of Paris but would terminate here in Atlanta." I would place a comma after Paris. Finally, "She needed to hear somebody…anybody speak." I would place ellipses both sides of anybody; not just before it.

What I liked: I love the heart that you've poured into this story. It's really moving, and something I think a lot of people can relate to, to a certain extent. I love the hope at the end. I love how much Virginia hates the church. There's clearly some deep-rooted pain behind that. Father Juan is great, too. And, the Costa Rica scene is fab. The scent of the purple orchid. But, more importantly, Maria's words which tell Virginia she must carry on with her life, and that she will always be waiting for her. That's beautiful.

Suggestions: I only have one suggestion. The actual death part of the story seems a little abrupt. I know you've been building up to Maria's death, but it seems like Virginia is remembering all their lost dreams one minute, and then the machine beeps and Maria is dead. I think Virginia would be watching intensely as Maria's breaths become smaller and smaller. I think she would be watching the rise and fall of her chest, waiting for it to fall, and not rise again.

This is a great story. It really tugged at my heartstrings. Your writing is engaging and immersive and just lovely to read. I love where you took this prompt, by the way. I saw this picture, and wanted to write something. But I couldn't come up with anything original. This, however, is completely original, and absolutely fantastic.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



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17
17
Review of Silly Boys  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi R E Baker- Hunter Games Shrek

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. This is the second of your Chocolate Truffle reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Wow. I love good visual poetry, and this is an excellent example of that. Both versions work wonderfully, making up the form of the cloud from the atomic bomb. I can't tell you how much I like this. It's so clever. As I first read through the top version, I understood why you named this 'Silly Boys.' That is the perfect title. Perfect.

Voice/Tone: The tone is one of exasperation. The narrator can see the world's current politics clearly, and he knows what needs to happen to make things better. But the people who have the power to enact change don't. Their egos are too big, and they care more about the reality TV show of their politics. I share this frustration. I love how the message is that voting for change, not violence, is the way forward. But, in some countries, even voting doesn't guarantee anything. Violence is never the way, though.

Mechanics: I'm not sure if this is any specific form? I don't think so. I think it's a creative example of visual poetry. The top version is my favourite. The stem of that poem, in particular, I think works better. In the second version, the three extra lines had me stumbling over them a little. Firstly, the word plea. For some reason, this caught me out. I felt like plead would have worked better. That's what I was expecting as I read, and then when it wasn't, I stumbled. I do, however, think the poem works better with the short stem.

I prefer the top version's could as well. It's more succinct, and it says exactly what you're trying to get across to your readers. That said, I love this line from the second version, "before that day the dreaded Reaper knocks." I'm not sure how you could incorporate this into the first version, though, because in adding this, you would probably need to add another line to accompany it. So, you would end up with a longer version, anyway. One other thing, I prefer the larger Verdana font, as well. It looks better with this one.

My Favourite Part: This line stands out, to me: "and settle scores through casting votes, not throwing rocks." This message is one that should be instilled in every child ever born. I love it! Your opening line also works brilliantly, as a hook into the poem. "Let's have strategic talks." This sets the scene for the tone of the poem really well.

I've given you a 5*Star* rating. This is for the top version of the poem. The bottom one, I would give 4.5*Star*.

This poem is so clever. I love the visual, the message, the tone; everything about it. I wish more people would think this way and want to break down barriers and build bridges. I think we probably need a whole new set of politicians for that to happen, though. Great work with this poem. I love it.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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18
18
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi R E Baker- Hunter Games Shrek

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the first review in your Chocolate Truffle package from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This is a very appropriate poem to review from my shop! I remember reading this last year and thinking it was brilliant. A love poem to chocolate; words from my own heart. Because I can't see the original version here, I'm not sure which parts you have changed. So I'll do this review as though it is the first time I read it.

Voice/Tone: The voice is of someone very much in love. Your words could easily be aimed at a person, not chocolate. As the poem builds towards the tragedy of Valentine's Day, the tone morphs into one of frustration. I love how you say, "(although the shop displays are always great)." You appreciate seeing chocolate everywhere you look, but you resent the reason for the abundance of the sweet treat: "that's when I'm forced to give my love away." I feel your pain.

Mechanics: I love how you have used a sonnet as the vehicle for your love declaration. It's perfect. Reading through, you have ten syllables in every line, so the poem reads really smoothly. The meter works, as well. There's just one place I'm not completely sure about: "express up to those pearly gates above." The syllabic count is right, so I think maybe the meter is a little different. It's not a big difference, it just sounds a little off.

My Favourite Part: I love the concept. Chocolate as a subject matter is always going to appeal to me. I love how you've turned your affection into this declaration of love. It's clever and creative. It's funny, but more than that; it's beautifully written.

I really like this poem. I love your humour. I also love your taste in sweet treats. Great work, Bob. Really enjoyable.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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19
19
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Sparky

*Vine2**Burstp* May Reviewing *Burstb**Vine1*
A
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
Review Raid

*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*StarBr* Okay, I know I'm not going to be the only person to say, "Vegemite? Really?" That sounds a little bit weird to me. However, that's not to say I wouldn't give it a try. I live in the UK, and I know we do sell vegemite here, but I'm wondering if Marmite would work the same? Because they are pretty similar, aren't they? But then, I think of Marmite on steak and it just seems ... wrong.

*StarBr* This is one of the most entertaining recipes I've read. I love the section headed, "Methodology of barbecuationist steaks." That made me chuckle. Putting the salad on the plate in advance of cooking is great advice. I agree it's a rule that should never be broken. I also like the suggestion to grab yourself a beer or some other beverage for while you cook, and afterwards. Sound advice, indeed.

*StarBr* You have me really hungry for steak now. It's ages since we've had any. As for barbecues, we haven't really had the weather yet this year. Although, today's a nice one. Maybe we should.

I really enjoyed reading your insights into the perfect beef steak. My mouth is watering at the thought. Although, I do have to say again, "Vegemite? Really?"

Choconut



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20
20
Review of Winter Weary  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi May Flowers Shopgirl 739

*Vine2**Burstp* May Reviewing *Burstb**Vine1*
A
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
Review Raid

*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*StarG* I'm back! I saw there was another limerick written by you on the Review List, and I loved your first one, so I thought I'd give this one a read. And I'm so glad I did! It's fantastic. Absolutely wonderful.

*StarG* The rhythm in this limerick is spot on. There are no bumpy places, and the lines skip along at a great pace. I always think limericks read as though they could be songs, and this one certainly does.

*StarG* Perhaps not quite as funny as your Groundhog limerick, but it is still funny. The part where you say Spring is, "having trouble doing it's thing," is my favourite line. I love your humour. One thing, though, there shouldn't be an apostrophe in possessive its.

*StarG* This poem has so much zing. That's maybe not a technical phrase, but it's the one that comes to mind. I love the rhythm. I also love the words. The last line, I can totally relate to: "Enough of this long Winter fling!" Most of us have been there, and I think 'Winter Weary' is the perfect title.

This is a really enjoyable read. I love it. Great work!

Choconut




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21
21
Review of He Lied  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi May Flowers Shopgirl 739

*Vine2**Burstp* May Reviewing *Burstb**Vine1*
A
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
Review Raid

*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*Starg* I have to admit, I've never seen Groundhog Day and, whilst I've heard of the groundhog, I didn't really know what it was. I had to get my American hubby to explain it to me. Once I understood, I read this limerick, and it really made me laugh. Which is exactly the point of a limerick, so great job with the humour. I love the title, by the way. Great hook.

*StarG* The rhythm in this limerick works, on the whole. The only place it feels like there's maybe one extra syllable is, "The big question that echoes is 'Why?" Or, maybe it's the stresses that aren't quite right. I'm not sure, but it didn't read completely smoothly, at first. (Also, you missed off the end speech mark after Why.

*StarG* The third and fourth lines were the ones that made me laugh the most. "A furry prevaricator," is genius. Very funny! The last line, also, works really nicely and rounds the poem off well.

I really enjoyed reading this limerick. Plus, I have been educated about the Groundhog, as well.

Keep writing!

Choconut



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22
22
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Prosperous Snow (Neva)

*Vine2**Burstp* May Reviewing *Burstb**Vine1*
A
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
Review Raid

*Vine2**Burstp**Burstb**Vine1*


*StarG* I saw this poem on the review list and was intrigued to learn about springtime in Las Vegas. I imagine there being lots of sun pretty much year-round. I love your opening haiku. The image of the city whispering as the breeze blows throughout is wonderful.

*Starg* Once these initial breezes have stopped, you paint a picture of heat and sunshine, I love these lines: "cracks attract insects / until hot temperatures / drives them into shade." Even the tiniest of creatures seek shelter from the sweltering sun. But, the sunny picture it puts in the reader's mind is so relaxing and lazy and warm. It's really nicely written.

*StarG* I love how you have structured this haiku sonnet. I'm a big fan of this form, and you have done a great job with it. I love the last word of one verse carrying through to the first word of the next. That's a tricky feat to pull off. But, in doing it, you have made sure the whole poem is connected. It all fits together to make one, fluid description of springtime in Las Vegas.

*Starg* The couplet at the end is fab: "shade is at a premium / as spring melts into summer." I love spring melting into the heat of summer. It makes me feel warm and happy.

Keep writing!

Choconut




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23
23
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi amy-Very Very Busy

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E].

Please remember these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: What a great idea for a story. As I first read through, I loved the idea of making furniture from dragons' egg shells. I also really liked the magical feeling that runs throughout the story. The people's names, the dragons; everything.

Plot: This is the story of a furniture maker called Timmins who lives in the town of Callah. In springtime every year, dragons hatch their eggs and leave the shells littering the town. Timmins comes up with the idea of using the colourful shells to make furniture in his shop. The only problem is the dragons are fierce and won't let anyone take their egg shells. Luckily, Timmins is friends with the mayor, who is friends with the Great Dragon, Sharan. A deal is agreed, and beautiful furniture is made.

I like this plot. It's simple and straightforward. It works for the audience you're aiming it at. My only query regarding the plot is whether it could use a little more drama. Like, maybe Timmins could try to collect some shells before he asks Mayor Hightower for help, and he has a run-in with a dragon. Something that will have children jumping up and down with excitement.

Characters: I like the characters. Timmins (I love that name, by the way!) seems like a good chap who wants to make his business work. He is creative and has a great vision, in terms of the dragons' egg shells. We don't see a lot of his character. I don't know if he is introduced in any other story in this book? But, it would be good to get a bit of a visual of him.

Grammar: I have a few suggestions here:
"It was also the time of year that the dragons that lived around Callah ..." I would say it should be who, not that.
"It was usually his busiest. and most rushed, time, though." You placed a period after busiest by mistake, I think.
"The sun glistened off of the pastel ..." I would take out of to make the sentence tighter.
"It would be a lot easier if we could rid of the dragon’s eggs that are lying around." This seems to be worded strangely, to me. Something like this would be clearer: "It would be a lot easier if we could clear the town of the dragons' eggs ..."
"That’s what I wanted to talk to you about?" It should be a period, not a question mark.
"The dragons will just have to move them ..." Just is a filler word. I would remove it.
" he was excited as a large, dragon ..." I would take out the comma.
"Mayor Hightower climbed down from the back of Sharan’s back." You have used back twice here. I would say something like, "Mayor Hightower climbed down from Sharan's back."
"I am here to tell you that I love your idea." Taking out that would make this tighter.
"From then on Spring was a very busy ..." I would add a comma after Spring.

Also, in general, there are quite a few places where you talk about the dragons' eggs; dragon being plural. But, you've placed the apostrophe before the s. It should be after.

What I liked: I love the creativity. I love the way this town sounds like a really warm and welcoming place. I would love to see the illustrations of the how the furniture would look. I really like Timmins. I also love the dragons and how the mayor is friends with the Great Dragon.

Suggestions: This is quite a minor thing. In one place, you describe the shells as gorgeous. This is quite a banal word. It would be good to see something more descriptive. Some colours would be nice. We don't get a lot of colour in this story, and it really helps to make a piece vibrant.

I enjoyed reading this story. I think children will really enjoy reading this. I can imagine them bugging their parents to make furniture from chicken and duck eggs when they finish reading it. I really like it.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



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Review of May 2018  
for entry "Sunset
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi CJ

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the final review from your Chocolate Fudge package.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: "Dusk destroys the day." That has to be the best first line ever! Like, seriously. It's perfect. I love it, CJ. From the alliteration, to the image it creates in my mind, it's just wonderful. It sounds so harsh, ferocious. I love this concept. This alternative look at a sunset really appeals to me. I have a tendency to see the dark and bad in everything, so I actually find this refreshing because I know I'm not on my own when I read this poem.

Voice/Tone: The tone is a little angry. There are some violent images, like in the line quoted above. Also, you use the words blood, kill, and fight. It's like nighttime crashes into the end of the day, destroying all the light and happiness that has been. It's so creative. It makes me think of the horrors that night holds, particularly for people who suffer depression. Darkness is almost a friend, but also it's the thing that's killing us.

Mechanics: There is no specific form, but there is a rhyme scheme of aabbcc, etc. This gives a wonderful pace to the poem, and, as with your last poem I reviewed, the rhythm is great, and there are no bumpy places. It works really nicely.

My Favourite Part: The first line. Obviously. I can't even describe how much I love that image. I also love this line: "Night would win if I had my druthers." That's a great rhyme for smothers, and it really fits. It also makes me smile. Never, in a million years, would I have thought to use that word. I also have to mention these lines, which create a fantastic visual: "Sunset paints the sky, / With the blood of the day gone by." It's so clever.

This poem is rich with descriptions. The stance you take, describing the sunset and nighttime as smothering the day, like an evil killer, is so different. It's fresh and unique, and on top of that, it's beautifully written. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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Review of Trapped  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi CJ

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews from my shop, "Rach's Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these views are purely my own and, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: Oh, wow. This poem is so sad. It describes the despair and darkness that living with depression causes. Right from the start, I found myself nodding along, and completely understanding your feelings. "Daily I am struggling, / To stay above the water." I really love how you carry this metaphor of water pulling you under the whole way through the poem. It's nice to see how you do that.

Voice/Tone: When we read a poem about someone who is being pulled closer and closer to death, to the brink, we imagine they would be frightened. But the voice in this poem isn't frightened. Although he is discussing feelings of despair and unhappiness, it doesn't tell in his voice. Instead, the voice sounds flat, as though all feeling has vacated it. Which is really sad. But, again, it's a by-product of depression. It's dangerous because when we get to this point, we really don't care what happens to us. It makes me so sad to read this in you because I have a feeling you have written it, based on your own experiences.

Mechanics: There is some great imagery in this poem. This line, in particular: "The rapids make me jerk." The every-day problems hit you and knock you around. When you are depressed, it only takes the smallest thing to push you over the edge. That's what, I think, this line represents. The poem isn't any specific form, but it has a rhyme scheme of abcb, defe, etc. This rhyme helps to give the poem a great rhythm, and it flows really nicely. There are no bumpy areas.

My Favourite Part: I love the imagery of water. It should be the sustainer of life, but here, it is the thing that could kill you. Metaphorically. I love these lines: "Sometimes I can slow the flow, / Down to just a crawl." I really like the rhyme of slow and flow. I also like how you recognise that there are times when depression isn't everything. Even if they don't last for ever.

This is a fantastic poem, and I could honestly relate to every word. You describe exactly what it's like to be stuck in the negativity of depression. It really is spot on. As I said, I think you have written from the heart. I don't know if you're still feeling this way. If you are, please speak to someone. Don't let the rapids take you.

Keep writing!

Choconut


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