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1,260 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-if.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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1
1
for entry "Dead Soldiers
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Escape Artist

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the last of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: For your second chapter, you take us into the life of Colonel Sam Remy. I have to say, I'm intrigued as to how all the characters fit together. Are they all parts of Merci's visions? Or are they connected in some other way? It's really very interesting.

In this chapter, we meet the old soldier who has been living in a bit of a drunken haze recently. He has a prosthesis and appears to not be active in the armed forces any more. I think he must have been a SEAL because, in his memories, he revisits a time when his job was assassination. Always of evil people. The calling card with a picture of the Grim Reaper and the words, "I love my job" made me wonder if he really was military in that particular kill. Would they leave calling cards? Maybe, he was hired for a special job. Which brings us back to the present. Remy has a special phone that only the Special Operations Commander, General Kohl, has. It rings at the end of this chapter, and Kohl tells Remy he is on his way to see him. What job does he have for him? This is really exciting.

Characterization: I love how you show that Remy is well-respected and has done well in his career. You show this by the handmade Italian chair whose, " ... smooth leather fit Sam's form like a baseball in a well-used glove." That sounds expensive. Also, he is smoking a Stogie that was a gift from Fidel Castro. Other luxuries are shown surrounding him, like the crystal glass from which he drinks his Johnnie Walker, the solid Egyptian ebony desk, and his new shirt. All these give the impression of someone of an important and high station in life. However, juxtapose this with this description, "Half drunk, and past midnight, he knew the memories would come, his last mission replayed like so many times before. He let them take over with a long, submissive sigh." I think that's really clever as it shows how battle-worn he is; how old he is. It makes for a great character. I also love your description of General Kohl: " The return voice was both commanding and unmistakable—-a forceful rasp that had etched itself like acid into Sam's subconscious at its first hearing." I love that acid hiss.

Setting: You show the setting for this chapter by the items I mentioned above. You show it by the old framed honours Remy has accrued and the empty Budweiser bottles overflowing the trashcan. It all sets the scene of someone who has very much seen their best days. Yet, General Kohl has made that contact. Very intriguing.

Suggestions I just have one suggestion. These words seem like they should be internal thoughts: "Okay, shake it off. Move on." I would italicise them.

Final Thoughts: Once again, I really enjoyed reading your chapter. All of the ones I've read have brought different sets of questions for me, and I love how you do that. I'm intrigued to know how everything fits together. Mostly, though, I just love your writing. It's descriptive, clever, fascinating. It's great. I'm so glad Dragon 老师 donated these four reviews.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
for entry "Merci
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Escape Artist

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is your third Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: I wanted to continue reviewing this novel because the prologue really interested me. In this first chapter, we are introduced to Merci. Wow. What a character! You hooked me from that fabulous opening paragraph where we see Merci trying to sleep but being disturbed by unwanted images. This description from that paragraph is fantastic: " ... flashes of memory in disconnected bits, haunting voices echoing like loons calling in a morning mist." It creates the most mesmerising atmosphere, and there's no way your readers won't continue to read. I became entranced by Merci.

Characterization: Merci and Manny, her cat. There is so much intrigue surrounding Merci's seizures (if that is what they are). The memories/visions she sees are fascinating, especially in this latest "event." The old woman who speaks with a soft, kindly voice is so intriguing. She says, "'My time is ending. Your time has arrived. I will show you the way, but you must listen. I await you. There will be others'" I'm so excited to learn what she means by this. Does it mean there are others who experience the same memories as Merci? (By the way, you missed the period at the end of the lady's speech.) I love this description of Merci's first memory where she is three years old and there is a storm (or, at least, some kind of electrical activity taking place) as the three people in white coats stand over her: "The electrical outlet next to her bed popped in a shower of sparks, puffing curls of acrid smoke." I love how you use all five senses in your description. It's a great way of pulling your reader so far inside your story they really feel they are there.

Flow of the Chapter/ Story: The chapter flows beautifully. It's logical. We start with Merci and her nightmares/troubling thoughts, showing us how much an important part of her this is. Then we see her have a seizure, and everything else that ensues is really frightening for her. The end of the chapter—that last line—is perfect: "I am on the island." This is written in Merci's handwriting, although she has no recollection of it. Chilling!

Grammar I only have one thing to mention in regard to this. I think I may have mentioned it in my last review? Where you show Merci's internal thought, you phrase it as though she's thinking about a third person; not herself. "Why hadn't Roger called? Why didn't he warn her?" These are Merci's thoughts, so she would think, "Why didn't Roger call? Why didn't he warn me?"

Setting: Once again, your fantastic description puts the reader inside the story. This description of her chair is an example of what I mean: "An overstuffed leather recliner welcomed her with a sigh, its cool cowhide sending a rush of goose-pimples over her bare skin." That's a great description. I could feel the cowhide and how comfortable the chair felt. These little details are scattered throughout the narrative, and that's what makes this so special. There are so many places I want to quote, but then this would end up being a review that just tells the story back to you.

Content of the Chapter: Again: excellent. It is exciting and mysterious and creepy. Merci is beautifully written. I love the dragon her father had an old Chinese ink artist put on her bellybutton when she was nine. That's intriguing. I wonder what will come of that.

Final Thoughts: I'm loving this novel. Your writing is beautiful, and your descriptions are some of the best I've read. I'm completely mesmerised by Merci. She is a great character. I think my last review will be the next chapter of this novel, if you don't mind.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
for entry "Prologue
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Escape Artist

I am reviewing this chapter as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the second of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

Plot: I decided to review some of your 'Threads in the Tapestry' novel because the introduction at the start of it sounds really interesting. After reading the Prologue, I think my initial assessment was spot on. In this section, you take the reader back in time to 1778, when a ship crashed upon the shores of a strange island. One survivor, Mikhail, manages to climb ashore, but there is some kind of otherworldly barrier preventing him from climbing further ashore. While stranded and almost dying, he sees a beautiful girl, but she is behind the barrier. However, at the end of the prologue, Mikhail feels warm hands taking him to safety.

It's a great hook. Your readers will want to know who the girl (and her father) is. They will want to know is Mikhail safe? Does he fall in love with the girl? And how does all of this tie in with your introduction? Giving us so many questions is a great way to start your novel.

Characterization: Mikhail is the main character we meet in the prologue. We see him as physically weakened from surviving the shipwreck, but he has a spirit which carries him to safety. I love how he is able to appreciate the beautiful girl and to determine the man with her must be her father. This shows he still has his wits about him.

Grammatical Errors: I spotted a few points:

"Steep ocean rollers, there crests a chaos of windblown white-caps, assaulted the Albatross." It should be their.
"In a lucid moment, he watched a patch of grass oddly unaffected by the wind and plums of frigid salt spray." I'm not sure about this. I checked the word plums and I can see a plum line was used by sailors to check the depth. However, "plums of frigid salt spray," doesn't seem to make sense. If I'm missing something, and it is a nautical phrase, then please ignore this comment.
There are a couple of places where you show internal thoughts but start by saying, for example, "Did an invisible barrier surround this serene environment?" As Mikhail is thinking this, he would think, "Does an invisible barrier ..."
The only other thing I would say is to watch how many sentences you start by telling Mikhail (for example) did this or did that. It stood out to me that seven of your eighteen paragraphs began with the word 'Mikhail.' By doing this, you enter into storytelling mode, rather than immersing us in the story and making us a part of it. That's not to say I didn't feel a part of it, because I did. When you write descriptively, it's impossible to not be completely lost in your words. But, I'm just saying this stood out a little to me.

Setting: The setting is wonderful! I love how aural the ship breaking up is. The roar of the waves, splitting of the wood. I love this line: "The sound of wooden beams twisting and snapping with a terrible crunch began to overpower the crashing surf." Also, "Another wave pushed her shoreward again with a mighty lurch, breaking her backbone, splintering her masts." I can hear how loud it must have been. That makes a huge impression in your writing. It adds to the sense of danger and fear. The island, in contrast, seems peaceful and serene. The beautiful girl adds to this peace that Mikhail feels. Even when he's unsure whether or not he is dying, he feels a certain serenity about it.

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed this prologue. I'm intrigued to see where Chapter 1 will begin and where it will take me. Great work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of A Matter of Faith  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 🌜 HuntersMoon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is your second Whisky Liqueur review.

My first thoughts: When I saw you had one my auction package, I expected I would review a couple of poems. But, as it turns out, I love your prose equally as much as your poetry. This story is wonderful. It's clever, well thought-out, precise, and beautifully written. I absolutely love it.

Plot: A mathematician and scientist is having a crisis of faith. He needs proof that Jesus lived. As a scientist, he has physical proof, and he needs this for his religious faith, also. So, when his colleague discovers a black hole passing close to earth that will give the brief opportunity for time travel, Ted asks to go to The Mount of Olives. Nice choice. I would have wasted the opportunity on something like seeing Bill Haley first bring rock'n'roll to the UK.

I found the end of this story really moving. Faced with Jesus and his disciples, Ted wants to warn Jesus of the danger to come. He wants to save him. I love the last part, as Jesus looks at Ted with sadness, knowing full well what is to come. "Just before the darkness consumed Ted, he saw His lips move in silent response. 'I know, brother. I know.'" This genuinely moved me.

Characters: The beginning of this story is fab. I love how Ted is regarding himself in the mirror, questioning everything he stands for and has believed in. "He could see the ghostly doubts that plagued his mind hovering behind his eyes." is a great description. I love the whole mad scientist vibe I got from Rahsid. Although, his plan worked, and Ted travelled back in time.

What I liked: I loved the whole story. The end ... ahh. Wonderful. This description is one of my favourites: "He felt the pull of time, dragging him back." I like the visual that creates of a person being dragged through time. I love how Jesus is instantly recognisable. I love how calm Jesus is and how filled with peace, even though he knows he must die. It's really nicely written, Ken.

I enjoyed this story a lot. I think it's a great concept and very well executed. The characters are likeable and believable, and even the time travel seems completely plausible to me. It's fab. I absolutely loved it!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Fitting In  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi 🌜 HuntersMoon

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is the first of your Whisky Liqueur reviews.

My first thoughts: I really enjoyed this short story. The twist at the end was fab. I love how you lure the reader into thinking this is a story about a teenage girl moving from New York to somewhere more southern, and that is why she finds it hard to fit in. But it's not that story at all. It's about a transgender girl trying to fit into a new school. I love your subtlety in writing this. It shows that, actually, it's a normal situation. By not calling massive attention to Samantha's situation, you make it more normal. I really like that.

Plot: A teenage girl, Samantha, has moved from New York to a school in North Carolina. On her first day of school, she finds that it's not just the accents that are different from her old school. She is clearly intelligent and doing well in school, as you show that she is already up to speed with the material her new class is studying.

I love how you wait until near the end of the story to show us that Samantha is transgender. When she enters the girls' bathroom, they are so mean to her. "'Hey, aren’t you that guy who’s trying to pass as a girl? You don’t belong here,' the blonde one spat." Your use of the word spat is perfect here. It shows the venom with which the girl speaks. I'm not sure whether Samantha was bullied in her old school, but I think she's going to have a hard time in this one. I was a little unsure as to why her parents moved her. She seemed to have fond thoughts of her old school. I wondered if it was because her parents were embarrassed and wanted to go somewhere no one knew them. Or, maybe, they thought it would be too hard for Samantha in her old school, without actually asking her. It seemed like a bit of an odd move, is all I'm saying.

Characters: As I first read through, I thought Samantha seemed poised and self-assured. She actually seemed a little like she looked down on the other people and their southern accents. It wasn't until the end that I realised just how hard it must have been for her. This line is heartbreaking for her: "'You better get out right now, you damn queer,' a voice yelled. 'I’m calling security!'" It's so sad.

What I liked: "In spite of the crowded hallway, she found herself alone, as though she was suddenly in the eye of a tornado." This is really poignant. It describes really well how it must feel to be completely alone, yet in the middle of so many. I love your description of the "maelstrom of kids flooding the hallway." That would be intimidating for anyone who is new or different, I imagine. The end picture you leave us with, of Samantha crying and wondering why her parents made her move to North Carolina, is really sad. I would like to know that answer to that question, too. This description of the teacher is fab: "'Samantha,' Mrs. Watson called, a frown creasing her face like she had eaten something bad." Even the teachers are prejudiced. There's no hope for the children when those in charge are like that.

Suggestions: One typo (I think). "She shoved by the girls, entering a stall, and locking the door behind her." I think it should be locked. I also feel like this isn't the whole story for Samantha. I would like to have read more about her and the difficulties she has, but the way she triumphs in the end. I would love to read more of her story.

This is a great story. It highlights one of the bigger issues for young people today. It's beautifully written. Great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Serendipity

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is part of "MHWA Monthly Mental Health Challenge.

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love the positivity of this poem! That's the most important thing I take away from it. It's about loving yourself and looking after yourself, and that's such an important message. In the beginning, I thought the narrator was speaking to a friend, but when I realised the narrator was your self-esteem, I thought, how brilliant!

Voice/Tone: The narrator's voice is one of love and acceptance. It feels very protective. The whole poem feels soothing and calming. Near the beginning, you say: "Remember you wrere surrounded by foes and you felt so trapped ..." It sounds as though the person has maybe been bullied, and her self-esteem has been her saviour. (You have a typo with wrere—it should be were.)

Mechanics: The poem is not any specific form, but there is an aabbcc, etc. rhyme scheme. I love the rhymes. They help to move the poem along at a great pace, and they make it flow really nicely. All of your rhymes work to keep the rhythm working, for most of the poem. There are a couple of places where the rhythm is a little off. Firstly, this line: "Telling you Never ever there's ever a bruise or guilt that ever’s so bad." There are too many syllables in this line. I would take out ever's to make it read more smoothly. Also, "Never in doom or in defeat to you shall I ever deem ..." Again, there are too many syllables. I'm not entirely sure what this line means. If I were you, I would try to rewrite it.

My Favourite Part: I love your last line: "Unconditionally is my regard, Forever till eternity, Yours Truly - SELF ESTEEM :)" This is repeated from earlier in the poem. It reinforces the strength of your self-esteem. I also love this line: "I rushed to you, heeding noone, to hold you before you were sapped."

Suggestions: In general there are too many never and evers. Because they are used so much, they kind of get in the way of what you're trying to say. They almost make parts of the poem a tongue twister, which it needn't be. I would see if you can take out most of them if I were you.

I really like this poem. I think it's well written and well thought out. I like the sentiment, and I really enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!

Choconut




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of The Blue Apple  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Maolla

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This review is part of "MHWA Monthly Mental Health Challenge.

Please remember these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I was intrigued by your title and brief description. You say this is "just a weird story about apples," but it's actually so much more than that. It's about perspective and belief, and I think it's a really clever story. Also, you say you are not a native English speaker, but, again, I think you are putting yourself down. Your writing is fluid and nicely done.

Plot: A boy finds a blue apple. He tries to show everyone he knows his astonishing find, but none of them believes him. They all have some explanation that proves it's really a green apple or not an apple at all. Eventually, the boy can't take the disbelief any more, and he begins doubting what his own eyes are showing him. He throws the apple into the ravine, where it is eaten by a worm who knows it was a blue apple but could not care less.

This is so clever. It shows how children have a tendency to see things how they really are because they have no preconceived ideas. They have no expectations, which means they just see. This reminds me of a story my parents told me. They said when I was a toddler, they asked me what colour the light on a train's signal was and I replied blue. They argued that it was green and laughed at my mistake. Until they really looked at the light. It was then they saw that it really was more of a blue than green. Your story reminded me of that. Once we reach a certain age, I think we often stop really seeing a lot. I felt sad when the boy started to doubt his own convictions. It's like a symbol for growing up. It's also a story about perception and how something can be many things at the same time. Like Schrodinger's Cat.

Characters: I love this little boy. He is so certain he has found a blue apple, and I totally believe him. But, nobody else does. Some of them won't even look at it. I felt so, so sad when the boy threw the apple into the ravine; instantly regretting his actions. He's become jaded, afflicted by the scepticism of adulthood.

Grammar: Just a tiny point. You use a lot of exclamation points in your writing. It's generally thought we should try to limit them and, rather than using the punctuation to emphasis an otherwise weak verb, it's better to use a strong verb that needs no extra emphasis.

What I liked: The little boy. I love his enthusiasm. I love watching him try to prove his apple is blue. The way the story follows him as he runs out of people to show is really nicely written. It makes me think that, as humans, we need the validation of others to believe our own eyes or feelings.

I really enjoyed this story. On the surface, it's a simple story about a boy and a blue apple. But, it's so much more than that. There are so many philosophical layers that make really interesting. I loved it. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi amy-Very Very Busy

I am reviewing your article, as per your request. The review is in affiliation with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

*StarV* The first, most important, thing to say is you have created a great, little lesson here. There are no typos or things I would word differently. I can see this is an ongoing course that you offer, so forgive me if I make any suggestions that you have already used.

*Starv* Maybe, you could say something about how you want your clients to show you and any potential followers a reason why their book is the book we will want to buy. Make it sound big and bold. Maybe, a little less factual, and a little more brash. I don't know if I've explained that very well. What I'm trying to say is impress on your clients how important it is to stand out. There are a ton of blogs, web pages, social media pages out there, and they need to make theirs stand out among the millions. So, thinking big and bold is important.

*StarV* I love your suggestion of using Canva to design a book cover. I've never heard of it before, but I'm definitely going to check it out now. Creating a cover is a great way of conveying what your book will be like.

*Starv* The last point I have is actually a question: Have you spoken previously about how to write a synopsis? I ask this because I sat down to write one about a month ago. It was the first one I've written. And it was really hard! I had no idea what to include, what to leave out, how much to write. So, if you haven't already discussed this, it might be worth having a session just for that. Just a thought.

My suggestions are purely that; suggestions. As I said, I think this is a really neat lesson. There are no mistakes, it's well written. But, my ideas are just ways to spice it up a little.

I hope this was helpful.

Rachel



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewers'...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Walkinbird

I've just finished reading your short story, "Seeking Certain Assurances, and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewers' Group. It is the first of your Whisky Liqueur reviews that Whata - CNote Workin' gifted to you.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first impressions: Adrie asked me to review this piece specifically, but I think it is part of a larger body of work. Without reading that, I will treat this as a short story. I hope that's okay. The first thing to say is I love your opening paragraph. That scene, with Dorotea Canto and Brother Vace walking across the courtyard is pure genius. I don't know anything about the characters before reading this, but I learn so much from their interaction in this scene. This description of Dorotea is fab: "Her commanding height misdirected assumptions of frailty, likewise the tailored red suit and impressively fit legs concealed other, less important truths." She sounds pretty intimidating and scary. You also say she has a "no-nonsense approach," and that is highlighted in her appearance. Then, we have Brother Vace who, "scrambled along, somewhat winded keeping at her heels." Also, you say of him, "Vace moved sidelong, looked sidelong ..." He seems untrustworthy. I am sure he will betray the others at some point, or maybe he will be too scared to do whatever is necessary to save them. He appears to be a snivelling, weaselly, little man.

Plot: I am unsure what the whole plot is. But that's not a criticism because I'm sure I would know, had I read the previous material. Dr. Robert Josephs is plagued with no sleep. He hears (and sees?) ghosts and he has almost died many times; each time seeing a little more of death. So, I don't know whether he is researching death? I'm not sure. It's definitely intriguing, though.

The last section of the chapter is really interesting. Dr. Josephs and his assistant, Aubrus Enbrus, are in Rome before embarking on the next part of their journey. They visit a fortune teller, who reads the doctor's tarot cards. She uncovers many Death cards, and it spooks him. Meanwhile, Aubrus has an encounter with a lady selling beads (who I am not sure whether we should trust). She sells him some beads, and he has a flash of memory of his mother as their hands touch. Again, I'm not sure what this signifies, but I'm intrigued to find out.

What I really liked: This line made me laugh: "He wondered what deliberate face he could make to annoy Brother Vace, but willed himself to step away rather than linger." Dr. Joesphs' contempt for Vace makes me even more sure he will betray them somehow. I also love the general intrigue you create. We have phantoms, death, vampires, Biblical quotations, fortune tellers, strange beads. There are so many possibilities of where you will take this. That's exciting.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: My main comment regarding this is to watch your use of tenses. Mostly, this is written in the past tense, but there are a couple of places where you slip into the present tense. "Robert looks over his shoulder at Brother Vace and nudges an elbow toward him." This is the first place. Also, "Robert stops and closes his eyes ..." and the rest of this sentence. The only other point is a minor one: "Each have lessons to learn...," There shouldn't be a comma after ellipses.

Final thoughts: I really enjoyed reading this. My mind is buzzing with thoughts as to where the doctor and Aubrus will go next. How many more times will Robert see Death? Will he die? Who will betray them? And what is their mission? Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewers'...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rhoswen - Relentless Victory

I've just read your poem, "A Writer's Heart Bleeds Words, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewers' Group. It is the Strawberry Surprise review that Schnujo--Join item 2109126 :-D gifted to you, from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I love the description you use in this poem. The way you speak of painting a picture without using a brush is such a great image. It conjures up images in my mind of words creating pictures on the page. It's exactly what writing is all about, and it's exactly what you do in this poem. I love it. That is my first impression (and, additionally, my middle and end impressions).

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: Please help me out here. I'm sure this is a set form because I've reviewed others with this refrain pattern recently, but I can't remember what it is. There is no rhyme scheme, but there are three quatrains. The last line of the first verse serves as the last line of the following two verses. Also, the second line of the first verse becomes the first line of the second, and the third line of the first verse becomes the first line of the third verse. Whew. That sounds so complicated, but you have written it so it looks flawless and effortless. The rhythm is natural, not forced, and there is an even meter throughout. It reads fluidly. I really would love to know the form in which this is written.

*StarG* What I really liked: The whole poem! Your opening lines are a fantastic hook, particularly for other writers who are reading this: "Pen in hand over a blank page, / painting a picture without a brush." It's a beautiful description. I also have to mention the refrain because it's perfect: "a writer's heart bleeds words." So very true. I think it's clever how you write, "looking for rhyme and reason." That play on rhyme is really clever. Finally, let me just say I love this line: "the pen scribbles across the page." I could go on to quote every line, but I'll stop here. The whole poem is spot on.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is a fantastic poem. Your writing is effortless, and the result is a poem that is rich and descriptive. It's absolutely beautiful. Great work!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewers'...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi dog pack:saving4 premium renew

I've just read your poem, "Writers Cramp Poem, and I would like to offer this review, as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewers' Group. It is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: This poem is joyful and light and a pleasure to read. As I first read through, I wondered if it is based on your own experiences. It certainly reads as though it is personal. Your first line is a fantastic hook, with some great internal rhyme: "my brain seized, when I sneezed." That grabs the reader's attention and makes them take notice. I love it. As we read on, we read a tale of how you had to learn to write again, both mentally and physically. It wasn't easy, but Writing.com and The Writer's Cramp have both been instrumental in your success. Along with your own iron will, I suspect. It's a great story of triumphing over adversity. I'm so glad the prompts in The Writer's Cramp helped inspire you to be creative again.

*Starb* Rhythm & Rhyme Scheme: This poem is free verse and there is no set rhyme scheme. However, you have kept the lines to similar lengths and meter, which means it has a fluid, natural rhythm. There are no bumpy places. I really like your occasional use of internal rhyme. For example, your last line: "The Writers Cramp, made me a champ." I think that's fab!

*StarG* What I really liked: "search the web, oh my aching head / I see with glee, WdC is for me." I love these lines because they are so relatable. I remember that feeling when I first glanced over this website. Similarly, this line really appeals to me: "this cramp is good, in the WdC brotherhood." That's exactly what it's like. Nicely worded. This line made me chuckle: "computer for help, Merriam-Webster yelped." I like the humour with which you have written this poem. I love how you don't feel sorry for yourself. You did something to help yourself, and it paid off big time. The positivity shines through.

*StarP* Suggestions: Punctuation: you have used some. But the first words of each verse aren't capitalised and there are no periods at all, not even at the end. That's fine. I like to write poetry without punctuation, but the general rule is either all or nothing. In other words, don't just punctuate certain parts. Not even with free verse. If you're going to use punctuation, go all the way. Or use none. (Personally, in this poem, I'd go for none.) Also, "don't quit, use your whit / at whits end, sos I send." It should be wit and wit's.

*StarR* Final Thoughts: This is an enjoyable, positive, celebratory poem. I really enjoyed reading it, and I found it inspiring.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Where'd It Go?  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewers'...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi dog pack:saving4 premium renew

I've just finished reading your short story, "Where'd It Go?, and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewers' Group. It is the first of Chocolate Fudge reviews.

My first impressions: The first thing to say is I love the setting and the world you have created for this story. The cold you describe at the beginning, along with the dogs (which I assume are huskies) pulling a sled. This all appeals to me. I love your description of how everyone stops what they are doing to watch Norman and his dogs pass by with the sled.

Plot: I appreciate this is a work in progress, which means I'm not really sure what the plot will be yet. It appears it will revolve around Norman, who is portrayed as a bit of a loner; preferring the company of his dogs to other people. He seems to have some secrets he carries from his past. The other townsfolk certainly regard him as a threat to them. They are very wary of him. If I'm honest, it was the title which drew me to this story. I also was intrigued by the Mystery genre. However, at the moment I'm not sure what has disappeared, or what things change because of it.

You introduce two characters, Karen and Fred, part way through this. Except, they aren't introduced, as such. Just, suddenly, you tell us about their morning rituals. It's all very sudden and a little out of context. It left the reader trying to figure out who they are, and if you had already mentioned them and we missed it. It brings us out of the story momentarily. It would be a smoother transition if you said something like, "Across town, a middle-aged couple awoke from their slumber. Karen and Fred had been married for twenty-five years and their love continued to grow every day." Something along those lines.

What I really liked: The cold, wintery setting. I'm not sure where it is, but I find it intriguing. I love the dogs and the sled. That's so cool. I'm intrigued by Norman. I want to know what his secrets are. Additionally, I want to know why he is alone and feared by the rest of the town. I also want to know the rest of the story. I'm hooked, that's for sure.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: There are quite a few spelling and grammar points, but as this is a work in progress, I won't go through all of them here. I've put the main ones in this dropnote, so you can look to it if you want, but also ignore it if you don't.

Grammar Suggestions

Suggestions: One point with regards to Norman. In the beginning, you describe him as a, "usually placid and easy going gentleman." However, a couple of paragraphs later, you say, "There had been times years ago when nobody wanted to even think of upsetting Norman because of the rage and potential for their lives to be in danger." I just can't reconcile the two descriptions as being the same man. They are complete opposites.

Final thoughts: This is an interesting piece of writing. I hope you continue to write this story, as I think it has a lot of potential. Norman is a fascinating character. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Mr. Cuddles  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with PDG Rockin' Reviewers'...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Patrece~So busy!!!

I've just finished reading your short story, "Mr. Cuddles, and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of "PDG Rockin' Reviewers' Group. It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews which Schnujo--Join item 2109126 :-D gifted to you.

My first impressions: Ohh, this story is beautiful. Everything about it touched my heart. The little boy, Ben, is such a great character, as is Mr. Cuddles. It's so lovely. Their friendship is so innocent. Ben's momma is a great momma, too. You hooked me from your very first line: "'Come now, Ben, you and Mr. Cuddles are very late getting to bed tonight.'" Immediately, it's cute and I wanted to know what would happen with these two characters. Mr. Cuddles is a great name as well. I know it's not the same, but my dog has a teddy called Mr. Bear, and they are the best of friends.

Plot: A little boy is excited to take his beloved teddy bear to school for a show and tell of teddy bears. Only, his bear, Mr. Cuddles, is a little more special than most. He is also a little more out-of-condition. With multiple boo-boos accrued over the years, he isn't the most attractive bear, and Ben's mother worries the little boy will be teased because of his bear. And, at first, he is. But when he explains that his momma used a patch of his daddy's shirt to repair one of the boo-boos, we understand why the bear is so important to him. His daddy is in heaven, but with his shirt on Mr. Cuddles' back, he will always be with Ben. Oh, my heart cracked a little when I read that part. It brought a lump to my throat.

This is a great story about dealing with loss and being different. I love how you are teaching children not to judge and make fun of those who are different. Also, how you are teaching those who feel different that it's okay to feel different. This is a great story to read to young children. It also teaches about death. It teaches unconditional love, and it all feels very safe and loving. There's so much in there that could be really useful to young children.

What I really liked: The love that has gone into writing this story and shines throughout. It's a really moving, heartwarming story. Specifically, I love this line which comes right after we learn that Ben is four and a half: "Poor Mr. Cuddles did not hold up as well as Ben had over the years." That made me smile because I think every child has a teddy bear like that. This line brought a tear to my eye: "'Don't you love Mr. Cuddles anymore, Ma? He still loves you.' Ben asked, looking very sad." I could picture the little boy's face, covered in disappointment at his momma's betrayal. I could also feel for his momma because she just wanted to spare her son any further hurt. I love the way we don't find out about the piece of Ben's father's shirt until the end. I'm so glad you held that back as it packs an extra punch by doing that.

Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: I do have quite a lot of grammar suggestions, so I've put them in a dropnote.

Grammar Suggestions

Final thoughts:This is a beautiful story. I love the characters you created, and I love the story you weave as well. I love how it gradually unfolds, until the reveal at the end that breaks the reader's heart. It's a really great story. I loved it.

Keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of I'm Fine  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Sophie is Away Again!

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

My first thoughts: I love your opening sentence: "Heidi was floppy." You continue to show the reader how this means Heidi is feeling depressed. It's a fab description of what it's like to be a moody, depressed teenager. I remember that sagging, floppy feeling like everything took too much energy. As I continued to read, I like how you showed us Savannah L. as being a good friend to Heidi when she's having this bad day.

Plot: Heidi is a teenager who is depressed. Your brief description mentions the "manic mood swings" of a teenager. But, I didn't see much evidence of that. Yes, she is briefly happy when she hears a song she likes, but other than that, she's just depressed. At the start, when Heidi is near her locker, you write, "Tupperware containers spilled over the grey floor, some separating from their lids." This sound like she had a bag full of containers, which stands out as a little odd. I did like how you showed us her day getting worse from this incident. The ending, I liked also. Seeing Heidi lie on her bed, crying, and then get another text from Savannah L., asking how she was, is a great ending.

Characters: Heidi seems like a typical, moody teenager; emotions running wild due to hormones. I loved this line: " ... but being sad was immensely private to her." Savannah L. is described wonderfully. With her Tee Shirts that speak volumes, yet her immensely caring nature. I really like her.

What I liked: Savannah L. Her Tee Shirt, which read, "Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. End the violence. Eat bacon." That really made me laugh. I loved your descriptions of Heidi and her depression, too.

Suggestions: The point of view in this story confused me a little. Mostly, everything is told from Heidi's POV, but when Savannah L. asks her how she is, you switch to Savannah's POV. It stands out and brings the reader out of the story momentarily. It would be good to keep to showing us things from Heidi's POV. So, still say how Savannah asked her how she was and looked concerned, but tell us Heidi observed her looking concerned.

I really enjoyed this story. I think the emotions are nicely written, and I like the friendship you show. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Marie Came Over  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Sophie is Away Again!

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium, which Schnujo--Join item 2109126 :-D gifted to you.

My first thoughts: I like this story. As I first read through, I found myself asking lots of questions in my head because I wanted to know more. I like the friendship between Marie and Summer. I love Woodstock the cat!

Plot: Summer rides over to her friend's house and asks her over to her place. That's about it, really. There seemed to be a lot of possibilities, and when you introduced Maries's drawing, I thought something would come of that. As soon as we meet Marie, her notebook is an important part of her, and then we see the strange drawing, and I was waiting for something else to happen with that. But it didn't. They just went to eat their nachos. The ending was incredibly abrupt. It didn't tell us anything or tie up anything from the story. They just went to eat. It's a shame because I like the story, and I would have liked to know more. I appreciate there is a word limit for The Writer's Cramp, but there were many things you could have left out to make room for an ending and an explanation.

Characters: I really like the friendship aspect. I wasn't sure how good friends they are because it seemed like quite a while since Summer went to Marie's house. She even almost got took a wrong turn on her way back home. Yet, they also seem to be working on the drawing project together. It confused me a little. I love the ease they have in each other's company. The dialogue is all natural, and I really like it.

What I liked: Summer. She's a likeable character. She is outgoing, fun, and enthusiastic. I also love the description of the building that Marie has drawn. I would love to know more about that!

Suggestions: Give us a better ending. Don't just say they ate, Marie went home, Summer went to bed. Give the story a plot with a beginning, middle, and end. That's my advice.

This is an enjoyable story. I really like your writing style. With more work put into the plot, it could be a really great story.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Princess Megan Rose

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* This is a really interesting insight into your Jane Austen love. The question I have to know is have you read all the novels in that gold-bound book now? I assume you must have.

*StarV* It's a shame you couldn't get into the film of 'Sense & Sensibility.' It's one of my favourites. Alan Rickman as Colonel Brandon is almost as heart-stopping as Colin Firth as Mr Darcy. And Emma Thompson is one of my all-time favourite actresses and people. Have you given the film another try since you wrote this?

*StarV* I have to admit 'Jane Bites Back' sounds ... interesting. Has there been a vampire version of 'Pride & Prejudice' made? I'm sure I've heard of that. One other character who was taken from 'Pride & Prejudice' and written into modern-day is Mark Darcy in 'Bridget Jones's Diary.' I love how they got Colin Firth to play him in the film. I remember seeing an interview with Helen Fielding where she said she actually based Mark Darcy on Colin Firth's portrayal of the main man. She must have been over the moon to get him in the films.

*Starv* I'm glad you have found your Mr Darcy. I have found mine, too (although he refuses to jump in a lake and come out wearing nothing but breeches; dripping wet). Oh well. We can always hope, I guess.

I really enjoyed reading this, Megan. Nice writing and really entertaining.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
for entry "Take My Hand...
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi LostGhost: Uninspired

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I wanted to review a poem of yours because I've read your poetry before and I really like it. When I saw this one, I knew it was the right one. It's absolutely beautiful. The feeling of love and togetherness is a refreshing change when compared to all the division in the world right now. But this poem, it speaks of unity, and I like that.

*Starv* This poem is free verse, which is my favourite form. You have used it really well to convey your message. I don't know if this is written for anyone in particular? I have a feeling it is. The love shines through. It's a very relaxing and calming poem. It makes me feel like everything will be okay if we just stand together.

*StarV* The rhythm in this poem is spot on. Sometimes, with free verse, the rhythm can be lost a little. But that's not the case in this one. There are no bumpy spots, which makes it flow really well.

*StarV* It's hard to pick a favourite line because the whole poem works really well together. There are two places that really stand out for me, though: "slow we might be, / but we are not lost." I think you are saying you don't need to be living your life at 100 miles an hour, rushing about, stressing about all the things you haven't done. If it's important, you will get to it when you need to. That feels so peaceful, and I think a lot of people will relate to it.

The other place that blows me away is: "We're not out to rule the world / but to live our life with love and light." All we need is love, and with that, we can face whatever comes our way. We don't have to be super rich or famous, we just need each other.

This is a first class poem. I love the imagery that runs through it of holding hands and making your way through life together. It's beautifully written, and the message at its heart is so positive and joyful. Great work!


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi LostGhost: Uninspired

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


This is your first Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I love your opening paragraph. It is a fantastic hook into the rest of the story, and I had to keep reading. The narrator has a secret they keep locked in a trunk, but every now and then, the trunk must be opened and the monster unleashed. It all began when she became jealous of her friend who was in love with a guy and (I assume) he loved her, too. The green-eyed monster crept through your character's veins and took her over, making her betray her best friend.

*Starv* I loved this line: " A finger-print, an eye scan, and thought scan." I really sat up and took notice when I read "thought scan." That's a clever idea. It tells us this is set in the future, although there aren't really any other details of the setting or time period.

*Starv* Another line I think is wonderful is: "I let the sands of time take me back to those sands of the beach." Nice imagery. I love it.

*Starv* The way you describe jealousy is great. I love the "green tendrils" that creep through your character, taking hold and taking over. I really like how jealousy makes people turn green, and you can see how insecure they are through how much of them turns green.

*StarV* One thing to watch is your tenses. You have a tendency to switch between present and past occasionally. This line is an example of that: " ... the green tendrils seem to be speaking as they slowly morph into a face of a monster and sniffed me." You continue to use the past tense in the next sentence, then go back to the present. I found it a little confusing.

*StarV* I have a couple of questions. I assumed the whole trunk and green-eyed monster was a metaphor for the woman's jealousy, which was stirred up when she thought of her best friend. I didn't think the monster was real, as he was a part of your character. However, when I read your genre is horror, I wondered if I got it wrong. I'm not sure. Was the monster real? Was there really a trunk?

This is an enjoyable story with a great moral to it: jealousy hurts and turns you into an ugly person on the inside. What's more, once you let that monster in, it will feed off your body and make you do horrible things. Nice work.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi MadManMike (taking sabbatical)

*Watermelon**Fire**Sun*Here's a sizzling review just for you in our "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Summer Cookout Raid!
*Fire**Watermelon**Flipflops1**Sun*


Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Scorpion* I love the way this story lulls the reader into a sense of security, thinking it will be about a couple on holiday in a nice cabin. Then, Mr. Fletcher phones them, and things change direction. The story turns into a battle against horrific mutant bugs that are part scorpion, part cockroach. What's more, they all have a killer instinct, and the loved-up couple meet their fate together.

*Scorpion* I really like the three long, black shapes on the other side of the shower glass. The suspense you create by showing those shadows is wonderful. I had to keep reading, as I knew they would attack Joe, but I just didn't know when or exactly how.

*Scorpion* The twist at the end is fantastic! Mr. Fletcher is evil, and he didn't really ring to help Joe and Dee. He wanted his little creatures to have a good feast on their bodies. You wrote that part really well. When the lights appeared leading up to the cabin, I thought they might be saved. When I realised it was Mr. Fletcher's vehicle, I was sure they would be saved. Then, he held the door closed and delighted in their demise. Love it!

*Scorpion* Just a couple of grammatical points ... A couple of times you use the word it's with an apostrophe when you are showing ownership. For example, here: " ... except for the giant curved tail and stinger at it's end." When you're showing ownership, there should be no apostrophe; just its. Also, "They walk out into the hallway, when headlights of a vehicle shown through the front windows." It should be shone.

*Scorpion* The only other suggestion I have is to try to change the places where you have used a passive voice to an active voice. So, for example, places you use was, were, would, is, etc. "Dee's attention was on Joe." Here, you could write something like, "Dee's face fixed on Joe's. Her eyes grew wide as she inched closer." This gives more details for the reader. It draws them inside the story further.

I really enjoyed this story. It kept me on the edge of my seat. I wanted to meet the creatures, but I didn't want to at the same time. The suspense is nicely created, and it's an imaginative, unique tale with a great twist.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Slime-J~R.I.P Stefan

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Review. It is also your second Chocolate Fudge Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: I love the concept for this story. You have created great suspense for the reader, who is desperate to find out what terrible fate will strike the protagonist. I love the idea of the piece of music cursing whoever plays it. The way you tell the story in the first person works really well. It means the reader only knows whatever your character knows, and everything that happens to her happens to the reader at the same time.

*Starv* Plot: Firstly, you show the reader something bad will happen by the chills the character keeps feeling. I wonder whether you could find some different ways of describing the sensation, rather than using chills every time. Maybe you could show us the woman's skin turning to gooseflesh? Or, maybe her insides could turn to ice? Something to mix it up a little and keep the reader on their toes.

The main character buys a new piano and a sheet of music falls out of it. She plays the music, which has terrible consequences. By the end of the music, she hears a "slow clapping coming from her couch." She turns to see a frightening woman, sho looks as though she is decaying. This woman warns her that now she's played the music, she and her family will be met with a fate worse than death. However, I'm not sure what that fate is because you don't elaborate. This is a key element of the plot, and it fell a little flat, I'm afraid.

There were a couple of points I wasn't sure about with the scary lady's description. Firstly, you say, ""She" had dead grey eyes that bore a look of pure hatred." I'm not sure how her eyes could be dead whilst possessing pure hatred. The two descriptions don't work together. Also, at the end of her description, you say, " her face contorting into a seemingly never-ending smile." Previously, you said her lower face had decayed so, again, I'm not sure how this would work. Also, what is a "never ending smile"? It's not a very concrete description.

*Starv* Setting: There aren't any real details for the setting, or the main character. We know she works in a music shop, but that's it. We don't see much of her personality, and it would be good to see something. Like, show her reacting to the chill she keeps feeling. Show us her fear. Maybe she could sweep her eyes around the apartment, looking for an intruder. Or, maybe she could wrap her arms around herself trying to get warm. It would also add to the suspense if you showed us how she lived alone, and all her neighbours were away. Or, maybe she lived alone, so no one would be near to help. These little details help build the story world and bring your readers right inside the story with your characters.

*Starv* Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: There are a lot of punctuation and grammar issues, so I'll put them in a dropnote for you. One piece of advice I would give is please try to use punctuation correctly. It can make or break a story. When sentences run on and punctuation is lacking, it makes it much harder for the reader to get into the story.

Grammatical & Punctuation Suggestions

*Starv* My Favourite Part: I love the tension and suspense you create. You do a great job of letting your readers know we are about to witness something scary. The piano music—"The Song of the Damned"—is a fantastic idea for a story. The lady is described as being pretty frightening, as well.

*Starv* Suggestions: Be careful with your "filler" words. By this I mean, "that," "like," "just." These words add nothing to the story and clutter a sentence. The reason I'm saying this is you use the word just a lot. One sentence, I counted three justs. My other suggestions is a reinforcement of my punctuation advice. Each paragraph in this story, you have made one sentence. You need to punctuate them. The paragraph that begins, "When I eventually ..." has one sentence with seventy-three words.

*Starv* Final thoughts: This is an enjoyable story. I love the cursed song idea. The spooky lady was a great addition. She would have freaked me out, for sure. If you worked to tighten it up and punctuate, it could be really great.

Keep writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of A Shattered Mask  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Slime-J~R.I.P Stefan

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: This poem is a sad reflection on a life where you spend so long pretending to be whatever other people need you to be, that you lose yourself in the process. I think a lot of people will relate to this. Most of us have different masks for different occasions and different people. It is really easy to lose and forget yourself as you do this.

Voice/Tone: The voice sounds personal. The narrator sounds as though she is despairing of her life. There is a sense of turmoil and frustration that she can never just be herself. The masks she wears protect her, though, I'm sure. After all, revealing the real you makes you vulnerable to being hurt. So, the masks definitely serve a purpose.

Mechanics: This poem is free verse, which I love. I would look at your line lengths and breaks, though. For example, this line is too long: "And as I walk back through the endless screaming corridors." It doesn't really fit because of its length. But, if you moved endless down a line, then, "screaming corridors" down another line, it would place so much emphasis on the word endless; which is the important part of the sentence. If I were you, I would take a look at where you have placed the line breaks. You don't have to put whole sentences or thoughts on one line. If you break them up, they have a lot more impact.

Rhythm: The rhythm is good. Changing the line lengths would make it smoother, though.

My Favourite Part: "And I'm left scrambling to find the real me / In a sea of endless hollow screams." That's a beautiful description, but it feels so sad and lonely. It's like you just can't find the real you. Sometimes, though, the more we search, the harder it becomes to find. I also love how you end the poem with the question: "Should I don another mask?" Becasue it's easier than being yourself, right?

Suggestions: My main suggestion (after the line breaks) is to think about your word choice. You have a tendency to use the same words or phrases over and over. For example, these stood out to me: "at first," "don/donned/donning," and "endless." Yes, use them once. But it would give more impact if you could find different words for your descriptions.

I like this poem. It's emotional and you have some nice descriptions in there. I think you show the despair and sadness of not knowing who you are really nicely. Great work.

Keep writing!

Choconut




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jellyfish

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group [E]. This is your second Chocolate Fudge review.

Please remember these are purely my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

My first thoughts: I wanted to review something a little different for this review. So I chose this (I was drawn to it by the cute rabbit picture). I really enjoyed this story told completely through dialogue. It's really hard to pull off a story without any exposition or speech tags. But, you have done it without flaw. It's really funny and highly entertaining.

Plot: An elf has lost his rabbit (called Mike - that's a touch of comedy genius). He meets a man whose house Mike was last seen entering, and together they recover him from the airing cupboard. I love your ending. It's such a tease. The elf, reunited with Mike, leaves the human a gift: one wish to be granted. And, what does he wish for? ... We'll never know. You leave us hanging. It's a great ending.

Characters: I love how the human has so many questions and things he finds odd about the situation, whereas, the elf cannot understand what is so odd about an inch-high fellow searching for his pet rabbit, Mike. I'm with the elf. It sounds perfectly normal to me. There is a great interaction between the two characters, and the dialogue is completely natural. It definitely reads as a real conversation.

What I liked: I love your sense of humour! I found myself laughing the whole way through the story. Your writing really shines in this. These lines are hilarious: "'Anyway, one of them told me that he thought he’d seen Mike – that’s the rabbit –' / 'Your rabbit is called Mike? / “Yes, what of it?'" I also love the part where the elf says he spoke to the birds, and this surprises the human. But, the thing that seems to surprise him the least is the fact that he's speaking to an elf. That makes me laugh.

Suggestions: The only thing to say is there are a few lines where you haven't used end-of-quotation speech marks. It's not a big deal, and it doesn't affect the impact of the story. But I just thought I'd mention it.

This is a real feel-good story. It has humour interwoven through every sentence. And it's humour that works. It's laugh-out-loud funny. I really enjoyed it. It's a great story.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Jellyfish

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is the first of your Chocolate Fudge reviews.

Please remember these views are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I love it! I'm assuming the prompt was the colour blue. I have to say, you've taken that prompt and smashed it. This is a different direction to anything I would have thought of. I love your descriptions of this sad, lonely house. I actually feel a little empathy for it. The crumbling wall and rotting window pane show so eloquently how decaying and neglected this old place is. I love the last couple of verses when you turn it around. You say you'd like to make the house yours, and if you did, you would, " ... fill it full of plants and songs, / And people, food and wine." I love that.

Voice/Tone: The voice is personal, and it sounds as though the narrator really cares about the house next door. The main body of the poem is sad and kind of despondent. The theme of ghosts is nicely carried through to the end. I love these lines: "There's ghosts in every room, / They slip behind the curtains -" But, they aren't spooky ghosts. I think it's more a reflection of the memories of people who used to live there. That's really cleverly done.

Mechanics: I don't think this is any specific form. There are six quatrains, all with an abcb rhyme scheme. I love the rhymes. They all work really well, and this helps to give the poem a great pace. The lines are of similar lengths, which makes the rhythm spot on. There are no places where you lose the rhythm or rhyme. It's so well written.

My Favourite Part: "Its windows stare like empty eyes." This is so sad. It feels like the house is dead, and this description is really moving. I also love this part: "Its memories slip through the cracks / Devoid of any light." A house, once full of laughter, love, and happiness, now stands empty and alone. It reminds me of a song (I can't remember what it is) where the guy is singing about a house where the woman has left him and the house alone. He sings, "There's a teardrop in the corner of your pain." Something like that. Your poem made me think of that song.

This is a fantastic poem, Jenny. It's beautifully written. The imagery you use and emotions you tug at work so well to make a fab piece of writing. Great work!

Keep writing!

Choconut




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Sunnie

Your Secret Pal has gifted you a Strawberry Surprise from "Rach's Chocolate Emporium. This review is part of that gift, and it is affiliated with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group.

*StarV* The first thing to mention is the visuals on this forum page. I love the "Tell me about you" sign which is prominently featured at the top of the page. Straight away, your visitors will know what the forum is about. The picture underneath, showing a calming sanctuary-style painting, compliments the theme perfectly.

*StarV* Your description of the page is wonderful. It's humorous, entertaining, and gives everyone some good ideas on how to introduce themselves. I like the bright colours, as well. It's really eye-catching. Most importantly, my star sign is Libra. That's something I always find interesting to know about others, too.

*StarV* As I read through the many forum entries you've received, I can see it's a popular place to chat with others. I remember introducing myself here quite some time ago, and it was fun to take part. You have a lot of people taking part, and that's nice to see.

Sunny, I love this concept. The way you bring people together to chat and get to know each other a little better is really admirable. I know you've had your own health problems in the last couple of years, but you don't forget about the things that are important to you; like this. I love that spirit. We sure are lucky to have you here.

Choconut



25
25
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Legendary Mask aka Girlw/a💓

This review is part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. It is also part of "OPEN HOUSE Forum - Returning in October. It is your Strawberry Surprise review which LJ-Swinging on the stars gifted you.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* I'm sat here typing this review with tears streaming down my face. This really touched a nerve with me. It's a beautiful tribute to your mother. I'm so sorry you lost her so young and in such a horrible way (not that there's really any good way). From reading this, I can tell you had a wonderful relationship with your mother. She sounds like she was everything a good mother should be. It's just so moving. Seriously. The tears just keep coming.

*StarV* I love how you move this essay along in a logical way. So, you start with your mother's death and the pain it caused. You move through mourning her, questioning God, making peace with him, and finally being able to remember your mother without sadness taking over. Can I ask how long it took you to get to that point? I lost my Mum six years ago, and I still don't feel like I'll ever get to that point.

*StarV* I love the photograph you have used for this piece. That's a nice touch. The part where you mention memories that sneak out when you aren't expecting them is so true. Anything can trigger memories. It's nice when you get lost in them, but not so nice when you realise they aren't how life is any more. I like how you offer advice in this essay. You offer hope that grief does ease over time, and you tell us to hold onto this we love and not take them for granted. That's a great piece of advice.

*StarV* Just one quick point about punctuation ... plurals don't have apostrophes. Nouns/pronouns which denote ownership do have apostrophes.

This is a beautiful piece of writing. It's brought back so many memories about my own mother. Mostly, though, it is filled with love and joy over the relationship you had with your mom, and that is so moving to read. Great writing!

Choconut



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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