|Hi Slime-J~R.I.P Stefan
This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Review. It is also your second Chocolate Fudge Review.
Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.
My first impressions: I love the concept for this story. You have created great suspense for the reader, who is desperate to find out what terrible fate will strike the protagonist. I love the idea of the piece of music cursing whoever plays it. The way you tell the story in the first person works really well. It means the reader only knows whatever your character knows, and everything that happens to her happens to the reader at the same time.
Plot: Firstly, you show the reader something bad will happen by the chills the character keeps feeling. I wonder whether you could find some different ways of describing the sensation, rather than using chills every time. Maybe you could show us the woman's skin turning to gooseflesh? Or, maybe her insides could turn to ice? Something to mix it up a little and keep the reader on their toes.
The main character buys a new piano and a sheet of music falls out of it. She plays the music, which has terrible consequences. By the end of the music, she hears a "slow clapping coming from her couch." She turns to see a frightening woman, sho looks as though she is decaying. This woman warns her that now she's played the music, she and her family will be met with a fate worse than death. However, I'm not sure what that fate is because you don't elaborate. This is a key element of the plot, and it fell a little flat, I'm afraid.
There were a couple of points I wasn't sure about with the scary lady's description. Firstly, you say, ""She" had dead grey eyes that bore a look of pure hatred." I'm not sure how her eyes could be dead whilst possessing pure hatred. The two descriptions don't work together. Also, at the end of her description, you say, " her face contorting into a seemingly never-ending smile." Previously, you said her lower face had decayed so, again, I'm not sure how this would work. Also, what is a "never ending smile"? It's not a very concrete description.
Setting: There aren't any real details for the setting, or the main character. We know she works in a music shop, but that's it. We don't see much of her personality, and it would be good to see something. Like, show her reacting to the chill she keeps feeling. Show us her fear. Maybe she could sweep her eyes around the apartment, looking for an intruder. Or, maybe she could wrap her arms around herself trying to get warm. It would also add to the suspense if you showed us how she lived alone, and all her neighbours were away. Or, maybe she lived alone, so no one would be near to help. These little details help build the story world and bring your readers right inside the story with your characters.
Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: There are a lot of punctuation and grammar issues, so I'll put them in a dropnote for you. One piece of advice I would give is please try to use punctuation correctly. It can make or break a story. When sentences run on and punctuation is lacking, it makes it much harder for the reader to get into the story.
Grammatical & Punctuation Suggestions ▼
My Favourite Part: I love the tension and suspense you create. You do a great job of letting your readers know we are about to witness something scary. The piano music—"The Song of the Damned"—is a fantastic idea for a story. The lady is described as being pretty frightening, as well.
Suggestions: Be careful with your "filler" words. By this I mean, "that," "like," "just." These words add nothing to the story and clutter a sentence. The reason I'm saying this is you use the word just a lot. One sentence, I counted three justs. My other suggestions is a reinforcement of my punctuation advice. Each paragraph in this story, you have made one sentence. You need to punctuate them. The paragraph that begins, "When I eventually ..." has one sentence with seventy-three words.
Final thoughts: This is an enjoyable story. I love the cursed song idea. The spooky lady was a great addition. She would have freaked me out, for sure. If you worked to tighten it up and punctuate, it could be really great.