|Hi Tina McClintock
I am happy to be reviewing you as part of the "WDC Power Reviewers Group" [E] Review Raid!
My first thoughts: As I first read through, I wondered what would happen between your two characters: would they get back together in the end? Would Steve be telling the truth? Did Vera really want to go there again? I was glad when, in the end, they kissed. I feel Steve probably has a lot of making up to do, though.
Plot: This is the story of lonely woman, sitting in a coffee shop on her own on Valentine's Day. She's a little resentful of all the people around her, in couples, when she hasn't been in a relationship for the last fifteen years: ever since the love of her life, Steve, ran away from her at the altar. Enter: Steve. A voice says her name from behind her and she immediately knows it belongs to Steve. The story he comes up with for having left her at the altar is one, I have to be honest, I would not have believed. He says he was undercover with the FBI, and he had to leave for her own safety. Hmmm. Likely story, I would have thought. But he says he can prove this, by taking Vera to his office which just happens to be near by. Here is one of the problems I have. Vera lives and works near by. Steve, when he goes to the office, is known by everyone there, suggesting he's been working there for some time. So, how come they have never bumped into each other before? He says he was too afraid to approach her. So, what is different about this day?
Characters: Steve broke Vera's heart so badly, she hasn't had a relationship since. She even moved to Canada for a short while to escape her memories. Yet, when he shows up and tells unbelievable tales of undercover FBI work, she goes with him without hesitation. It just felt a little stretched, to me. I get that she still loves him, but it all seems a little too easy. It would be great to see a little more depth to the characters. Show us their feelings. Show us how shaky Vera is, how her whole world has been unsettled for the second time by this man. There is so much you could do with these two.
Grammar: Just a few typos. " . . . dressed to impress. it was too late . . . " You need to capitalise it. Also, " . . . why couldnt he be bald at least." Firstly, you need to put an apostrophe in couldn't. Also, you're asking a question, so you need to end the sentence with a question mark. The other thing is you change point of view in one place. The whole story is written in the third person, then you write, "'Wait, I can prove it!' He came after me. He grabbed her shoulder and spun her around." This temporary switch to the first person is a little off-putting.
What I liked: Despite what I've written above, I love the line, "why couldnt he be bald at least." This made me laugh out loud. I think we've all been there when meeting an ex who you want to be not doing as well as you, then you see them looking beautiful. I also loved the premise for this story. I would love to know what happens next with them.
Suggestions: I know Steve is no longer working undercover for the FBI, but I still wasn't sure he would have been able to talk in so much detail about his role with them. Also, the way he says he worked on the recent serial killer case. Again, could he really talk so freely about this? I don't know. Maybe, just check it out.
This is an enjoyable story. I like how the couple kiss at the end. It's a nice ending. With a few tweaks, and a little more characterisation, I think it could be really great.
Most importantly, keep writing!