I've just finished reading your short story, "Private Eye" , and I'd like to offer the following comments as part of your final Orange Creme review.
My first impressions: I was intrigued by your Dick Casey investigations when I first started to look around your port. So, I wanted to review one before I leave. I chose this one because it is the first. And, I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it. From the first two words ("The dame ...) I knew I would love it. This set the scene really well, and without being told, I knew I was in a hardboiled detective story. I love this kind of story, and you have done a great job with it.
Plot: A broad goes to see private investigator Dick Casey because her sister has gone missing. She was supposed to arrive on a flight to hear the reading of their father's will. But she didn't ... Or did she? Dick comes to the conclusion she killed her so she could inherit all the money. I love seeing Dick's interactions with Babyface Jane (his informant) and Tony the policeman. If anything, I felt it could have been a lot longer. There are lots of avenues he could have taken in trying to figure it out.
What I really liked: Dick Casey. He is a great character. Again, you had me reading the whole piece in a Humphrey Bogart-style accent (which is interesting, I can tell you!). I love the twist; that the woman shot her own sister. I love the excitement when Babyface gets shot.
Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: Just a few minor typos ... "'My sister, Tina,' she pulled out a hanky and dabbed her baby-blues,' She was supposed ..." It should be a small s when the speech is continued if you have a comma after, "baby-blues." However, I would probably place a period after "Tina" and also after "baby-blues." That would read more smoothly. Also, "'Plane, train, or automobile?' I ask." It should be asked because you have been writing in the past tense up until this point. Lastly, "'She never showed,' I crushed out the butts, 'Let ...'" Again, I would place a period after "showed" and also after "butts."
Suggestions: It would have been great to see Dick confronting the sister in the end and to see some kind of struggle. I imagine she would be carrying the gun she used to shoot Babyface, so it could have been a really exciting climax. My other suggestion is regarding the language used. At first, I loved it, and it really set the scene well. However, there was an awful lot of phrases I didn't understand. Most of them, I could guess their meaning, but not all of them. It meant I was constantly being jolted out of the narrative trying to figure out the meaning. Don't get me wrong, it's absolutely right that you use some of the hardboiled language. It gives an authentic feeling to the story. But, I would say maybe dial it down a little.
Final thoughts: I really enjoyed this story. I love Casey's voice and I love his sarcastic humour. I love the story and the twist. Great work!