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3,039 Public Reviews Given
3,719 Total Reviews Given
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Quill 2024 Nominee.
3,706 reviews? Feels like a million words since. Word-ometer needle broke. I get stuck, limited eyesight reminds. I did it for others, to improve my critical analysis of our art, but get to know each and their approaches to our shared love, *Heart* ~~ *Quill*}
Style? Read my reviews. Look at other’s output. Responses of my reviews have affirmed.
~Mantra: I see the good, with an eye toward potential, but not be/play authority of someone else’s words, left to the master of the work. Reflect/react/review, a fuller perspective.
In 2024: “Your reviews are great…supportive, encouraging, and ‘in depth’, with excellent suggestions…exactly the kind of reviews I…strive to write. Alas, such reviews are the exception on here. Most are drive-by reviews…just heap praise on the item. A small number are just critical and not supportive...Yours are among the one (in) twenty…that are gems. People should be grateful for getting them.”
I'm good at...
Poetry, shorter stuff. I'm mostly blind. I react and encourage with feedback, suggest direction to something better. I break the conventional fourth wall. Not sure what it means.
Favorite Genres
nature, love, psychological, spiritual, inspirational, humor, emotional, drama, human interest, dystopian.
Favorite Item Types
poetry, short story, essay/opinion/blog
Public Reviews
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76
76
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Louis Williams Author Icon,

I found "Alpine Solstice," on the read and review link, feeling a chill outside my window seemed apropos. The poem is serene and sweetly captures a winter landscape, in the air above town but below the tall timber. It was very vivid and the dark scenery had a calm feel about it with its depiction through both voice and imagery. Your effort immediately set the tone with “A frozen halo glows softly.” I had visions of ethereal light in a chilly environment that might be for skis, using my imaginative reaction.

When the read gets to “frozen halo” its a sense of purity; meanwhile, “softly” seemed a spirited reference that takes the edge off that harshness associated with winter. The poem comes across as contemplative in tone to embrace the stillness of that alpine night.

Imagery is notable and prominent in developing the feel of this atmosphere. “Glittering snow dances sweetly / Under the star light's reign” creates a visual nostalgia of winter for me, as I picture that sparkling blanket of snow from the glow of overhead stars. I sense this motion in “dances sweetly” with a graceful life about it, which opposes the idea of a desolate winter. This isolation within the alpine is inviting for someone like me who likes a serene winter spot to enjoy alone in expectant warmth of the upcoming Christmas.

There’s a noted use of sound here, with rhythmic qualities in phrases like “high upon the alpine” and “no voices carrying sweet carols” that develop the auditory experience. Your deliberate repetition of soft consonants and vowel sounds throughout could be felt embedded in a lyrical quality. I imagine any reader who loves the peace and joy of a winter landscape can appreciate what you’ve depicted here. The focus on sound deepens, helps increase appreciation for the poem theme and feelings of solitude in this wintery atmosphere.

If you were to enhance the poem further, varying the pacing or trying a little enjambment can further create a more dynamic rhythm. Adding more sensory details could also help, like hints of scents, thinking about those alpine, but other experiences could further help out the imagery to get an even better picture and truer sense of your poem’s atmosphere.

Overall, "Alpine Solstice" is beautifully done and encapsulates the quiet, introspective spirit of winter that I love in my somber walks in chill nights. I could imagine peace in a locale like this, especially if it were nearing the holiday season.

Looks like we got Christmas in August because of a random read. I really enjoyed it.

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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77
77
Review of If Been  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Happy Account Anniversary Mitch Author Icon

A review of your poem, "If Been." Challenge accepted. *Bigsmile*

I didn't really think I'd comment on this complex-ish poem with the IFs and the BEENs of it all. Or, if I could sort it all out. But then, when I got to the end, a funny notion arriving with, 'BEENing begins'. The last line then says, ‘IFing too long’. First thought was, doesn't it get a second 'F' (IFFing?) before I thought, NO! It should be, "I have been Fing too long in the rain!" *Laugh* I'm sure you'd note the humor, may have considered. On first glance, "If Been" seems punny with its construct to use two parts of speech as integral motivators of a surreal and metaphoric take the speaker uses to express notions this reader had to consume.

I was hooked, wondered if this is nonsense or does the poet have something at work with the IFs and the BEENs and how the two relate to thoughts and memories with water imagery. Some trouble getting traction. Could we be philosophical, with waiting too long, or settling for something? The two messages showed some contrast as different sides of a coin. It seemed along the way I could make a case for this poem.

I’m learning through adept use of imagery a cyclical nature of life and our thoughts. The poem gives me interplay of memory, choice, and the weight of one's past. The water imagery, specifically rain, is the vehicle for the poem’s expressions. The repeated use of "IFs" and "BEENs" -- important to the voice, show how these contemplations move through experience, and consider one's own life pursuits or the idle decay.

Most noticeable about this is the water imagery. You have metaphors of rain, drops, and splatters that act effectively to show thoughts falling on the speaker's consciousness. Rain can symbolize cleansing but also be a burden which was a nice contrast, mirroring how thoughts about what could have been (IFs) and what has already happened (BEENs) can both give hope or worry. The imagery is like the emotional weight of memories with the rain sensation, adding to how thoughts and memories move through us.

The IFs and BEENs:
I struggled to find distinction between "IFs" and "BEENs,” yet each seem to represent the difference between potential and reality, or future versus the past. Your poem suggests dwelling on past choices or "BEENs" are the alternative to "IFs", which could trap one into a cycle, unable to move forward from likely self doubt. I sense this frustration playing out creates anxiety over missed opportunities and the influence of past actions on present circumstances.

Both perspective and the notion of "waltzing these ceaseless circles" is like finding it hard to break free from the cycle. And here were learn, experience comes from this process to show that the past can inform the present.

I wasn’t getting simplicity, as I pondered for a bit about what you expressed. Existentialism playing out here for one who must make decisions about waiting or settling? The "IFs" and "BEENs," seem vital to carrying this message forward. How each plays off the other most readers will find difficult to explore and consider existential themes. I had to wonder if this was a clever title. "If Been" is a clever play on words. It acts as the essence of the poem, with the hypotheticals and existential. It should cause readers to get the weight of these ponderings about past and future, making it a compelling entry, wading into deeper meanings.

The water imagery helps conceive the concepts of the poem. "IF" and "BEEN" being almost personified as choice to represent the complexity of memory, regret and our tendency to dwell on the nature of our regrets -- like sliding door scenarios. Rather than confusing, the poem structure with it’s theme can help others reflect on how we relate to our own missed opportunities.

Now, I can't suggest anything for improvement. But, I would ask, could you make it easier next time? Phew! Think I'll hang up my brain for the night. I'm a bit woozy and the room's a-spinnin'. *EyesLeft* *EyesRight*

Congrats on another year,

Brian
WDC Account Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
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78
78
Review of By Heart  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Happy Account Anniversary Mitch Author Icon

This might sound like less the review and more like a 'how to' get a girl's interest, by the time I finish. I'm not allowed to play the field any more, so live vicariously through others.

I chose this poem because of the description line that hooked, "Some things are better left unsaid." It seems something from romance that comes from wisdom and experience learned, but also at what loss? And when I read, then comes the irony, by uttering the question to prompt the known answer. I have been there, my friend.

The poem layout is clean and reads easy as free verse/prose but has a smooth, rhythmic quality that sort of plays, but not too much. This is definitely psychological, because the reader is not given many images here. It's a dose of experience any a little philosophy. We know the story, it could be boiled down to the essence of tv trope. Boy longs for girl who puts him in friend zone, though he's the one that keeps hanging out and torturing himself hoping she'll come around. We usually get the dream girl in those fantasies.

This is a poem of inevitability. It's like the slow, hanging curve ball that he had to let her have a swing at. But, there is more. There is the question that's acting as statement or professing interest, and the way it's posed, the two already know what's there. Questions arise for a reader like me: Why is she not giving signs sooner herself, broaching the subject before he embarrasses himself? This leaves the question of whether that door is open. So I wonder, why the question and not some gesture or gestures that are non-threatening to pry that door of possibility open a little wider? I ponder what might have been.

I'm reminded factors come into play here, like he's likely giving the vibe he's way more interested. The second verse speaks to this well, as it becomes the 'refrain' that goes around in the mind, 'all day long'. Ear worm. But, it's a chorus he does not want to hear, because the answer appears inevitable. It's a moment like this when one could strategize to win love, but that's not the case. As it sets up in the third verse, the logical answer is 'better left unsaid'. This is the logic. Flawed? Something in the subconscious has other notions, and perhaps is the part of us rooting for the fantasy. It could pounce at any moment. And, verse four.

What's cool, as a reader can see, is that she's cool with him and while she's not described, I see her as a bartender and he patron who hangs out, maybe it's just a clique, social circles. And as the reader, I'm pulling for a character like this. We see it in television all the time and what it takes to get her interested. But, this character type is never equipped to play it cool, play the loooong game. What makes me wonder is, does he come around, or do the two just wind up in the same space with frequency? Is he pushing the envelope?

I find the idea of 'doom' is also surprising, but real. It's the ego that does not want to get crushed here by the crush. But to me, not the end. Once it is spoken, it's an open door. Yup, not closed. This is the opposite of doom for someone who thinks they never had a shot. On any given day, her subconscious gives her a whim of her own, when the relegated 'friend' is now relaxed, being himself, joking and smiling. This is the first turn on for women. No pressure from him with that 'not interested', just a fun guy. She can be the predator any time she likes. With the pressure off, she might make the first, or next move.

That's why I feel this poem shows more than it knows it reveals. It's a lessen in relationships and how to court. There's a funny bit in the tv show Community where one character tells another, "I'll bet there's one move you've never tried," Beg. Beg and complement hear beauty and how grateful he'd be to the point of groveling...and she goes for it. Not sure that's real, but seems begging without being too pathetic is about as long a shot as just saying, 'how about it'?

So, a lot goes around for me when I consider this poem. You can make a girl interested by just being aloof enough and charming enough without pressure. If she's curious why a guy hangs around but doesn't pursue, she may drop the bait. And, that is not the way it went. I still feel more chapters left, once she's realized, and he's stopped salivating.

I relate to this poem when I tried to land a 22-year-old at 18. She didn't go for it. I also wonder why we pine in poem for the real, instead of playing out some fiction of what we want to happen, make it somehow be true in poem. I don't know if the battle cry of the loser in love gets much more than pity. Yet, who wants to hear about someone arrogant guy brag about a conquest...wait...*Think* *Laugh* Is it better to have asked and suffered and lost than to always wonder if a lottery could be won? Never know. There could be a drunk text in the night. Keep that phone charged. *grin*. Well, this was fun.

Happy Anniversary Mitch,

Brian
WDC Account Anniversary
and Super Power Reviewer
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79
79
Review of Interlude  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon

I read this poem several times through, noting what harmony created and the sensory feeling of being in that boat, in a quiet drift. It does appease a reader to consume these words. But before I could consider too much, noting time elements at play, I thought I could make an argument for this as the opening stanza:

"Time is suspended, as I drift.
This quiet moment is a gift;
a pause from all the cares of life
with its noises and its strife."

I was beginning to struggle with the notion of this being "a moment's interlude" without reference to something specific. But, this verse above (that comes just before the ending) frames the time element in a way that's reasonable, maybe. That feeling of how slow a day might seem to go in this type of serene enjoyment seems to play here. The suspension of time can make it seem like a 'brief interlude'.

There are elements that show action, events in the opening verses that could fall in line behind a new open, could be introduced as the beginning of progression of time that stands still. I don't know if this works for the poet, but something I grabbed when trying to put interlude and a series of events in the context of one time element, if I'm reading this correctly. If I'm even arguing coherently, as I can tend to get turned around.

I caught this poem on the read and review page and not given enough time if I want credit. I usually go too long, but give a better review, with more consideration for the item. Don't want to just glance and go, so I'll try to make this review last in the remaining moments until I properly affiliat and tag and send.

I'll have to say, the opening does put me in the moment as soon as 'for and aft' because I've been in that boat settled in the water where I fish. Add the element of what feels like a perfect day, an element would be missing if it were me: waiting for a strike on my line. Perhaps, a little description that documents with a word or two to help a reader decide the reason for the outing? Just a thought.

Now songbirds and how deployed, such a visual. I'm not sure where this might occur over waters, but sense it closer to shore and possibly on a small lake. Just thinking about some of these elements offer shrinks the whole scene down and then wondered, no 'hello' from the boater passing? I can imagine the narrator laying back in the boat, perhaps with a hat slid over eyes, just taking it all in.

The sounds of nature part might be a bit vague. This also could use some sensory. If you're nearing cattails, very close to shore. There could be some smells from the grass or shore that satisfy the nose. Could there be crickets as its getting later, a loon would be nice, if a lake. Just some added thoughts.

I can see how verse four fits in this progression, as the speaker takes time to opine near conclusion -- because through all of these experiences comes introspect. There is the noted appreciation of this slow-paced, stop-and-smell-the-roses kind of experience.

This poem is mostly straightforward taking a note of nature and surrounding and effect upon the narrator. A reader also gets caught in that lazy drift and would come up with a similar revelation. The writing is as smooth as the scenes portrayed and no hiccups for me. It's good to be able to read something through without having to go back, except I had to be picky of a time element. *Laugh*

Overall, I really enjoyed this as I usually do with your poetry. Not seeing your writes as much as I used to when we'd bump into one another with WDC's various writing activities. But, at least I see you around from time to time. So, good to have run into this and reminded of the poet.

Always a pleasure,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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If read and review would just give me fifteen more minutes...actually 23 left. Oops, under 10. I'll add some ML. *shrug*


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80
80
Review of The World is Red  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Happy Account Anniversary Yesmrbill Author Icon,

This poem, "The World Is Red," had me going for a while. *Laugh* Of course, it's your WDC birthday...seven years today. So, I came and didn't find much to choose by way of a review in recognition, but had to review this brief humorous piece, though I was caught off guard.

What seemed logical from the beginning was the red sails in line two with the reader assumption of a red sunset. It went on to add things like a snapper and wine that are naturally read. It had me going. What I didn't like at first were the repeated weak verbs ‘are’ and ‘is’ until the end when I realized a poem with a narrative, observational style of corn pone humor? I found after that ending, it’s better on the second read through once confirmation why this everything in this world is red.

SPOILERS to come! *Laugh* If I had to point to anything immediate, after the realized outcome, I’d say the dimension of this narrative voice. There are different ways to approach text that tells a story in a way, like quotation marks or italics to give a reader a clue. But, this is mostly the perspective of the speaker, either child-like or whimsical because of the special tint in the worn lenses. It's a ruse with surprise ending for a laugh.

What’s not mentioned could have been intended…an underlying thread commenting on seeing the world with rose colored glasses. Should a reader consider this, the commentary takes on the aspect of what you really see through red lenses. Most of it is pretty and then pretty odd, meaning the well quoted expression is taken literally, if indirectly commenting on it. And, for me, it says something more about the mischievous narrator who likes a thinly veiled jab at our love of idioms…because they are commonly uttered, so they must be true. Kind of an irony here. For me, in a world that is boiling down language to simpler forms, this takes a direct hit at the notion, just because you quote it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Our perspective of the world could be tainted because we don’t question our programming. And that is a subjective point of view on my part.

The speaker here obviously goofing with red colored glasses. Yet, the quoted line from the adored one must mean this commentary had to have been going on for awhile until annoying. However, in the construct of the poem, it's applied a second voice to steer the reader to the truth. It serves on both levels. With the assumption this eyewear is for protection at a beach, it could be considered headgear is something new and just given the speaker some new sensations to revel in, marvel about.

This poem's inspired remarks comes as a form of listing, which is a poetic device. A device that usually uses a collection of references to point to something the reader must infer to conceive poem theme/mood and more. While you go from one thing to another, the reader collects images as clues as to how the list summarily adds up, and how to consider before the surprise ending. Partially what avoids this result is the brevity of the read. This end as a misdirect, has nearly everything red either from atmospheric elements to the assumed things red. For me, the brevity doesn't fully sate this reader, ending too suddenly. It could have taken red to absurdity. It can start with red people, but what are some other things that could be noted not absorb the particles of red light? If just three, each could have been more ludicrous than the next. This would really raise an eyebrow and then double down on the guffaw to come.

Once it's noted this is an ordinary day at a beach, the read through can be viewed even more serene. With the end of the day scenario, calm at the beach, that sail cutting a swath through water and clouds. A reader can feel fuller appreciation, suddenly in the present, with snapper and wine on the table, seagulls barely heard above the wind and surf. This really is an eyeful for an observational poem, creating a wonderful atmosphere with so much red. And when the red people come, I first wonder, where is this person dining? Mars?? But the special friend's utterance quick-closes the case of the red-spectacled orator with a mere fondness for a new pair of red lenses.

This was enjoyable to read and consider for feedback. I'm glad I picked this one, lacking time to commit to anything longer as of this moment. Have a great day and week,

Brian

WDC Account Anniversary
and Super Power Reviewer
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81
81
Review of ~Stolen Emotion  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Happy Account Anniversary staiNed Author Icon

I think you know why I'm here. *Devil* To give you an anniversary review, of course.

An old poem. Let's give it a look. "Stolen Emotion" is fairly straight forward and reads like a letter. But as poem, this nears lyrics and could have some hook lines like "Once we savored bliss" and "but your thirst perished."

What I'm not fond of is a "deadened cloud of agony" because I can't picture that. I do prefer 'love burned to ashes' vs 'burnt', because I feel it hits harder. It could be preceded by "our" as in "our loved burned to ashes," which would also serve well as lyrics as part of a chorus.

There's a lot of emotion here. For some, it might seem intimidating with that second line, "smothering indistinctness of betrayal" but I like the risk because those three integral words play off each other and give something for the reader to ponder and how that might relate in their own terms. It's better to challenge than settle.

What seemed forced is "Tears follow pain, follow rain..." And it's a bit too straightforward. I'm trying to decide the mood of the narrator here. What can we consider other than someone who's been jilted and dealing with the sorrow? The end is sad because "I still love you." That's powerful, but could it have been expressed another way, since you have some metaphors at work? Either way, it serves.

I should remark on the "What have you done to me?" That's powerful in and of itself. It gets a reader hooked and we immediately know we are witnesses to words that seem to be spoken to the wall, no other outlet, but perhaps pen the poem. It feels honest in this regard and can be appreciated by others who have felt this pain, who empathize.

Ultimately, it's a poem about being stuck. No place for that love to flow. Perhaps, a question to ponder is how long before the realization that the 'thirst' dried up? Was there an attempt to hold on and make it work? Sometimes, it's worse when it's suspected they are about to break it off. And, if unspoken, unable to muster the courage to ask, is like hoping it won't happen. For me there is a poem within this poem, because I can imagine scenes playing out before the breakup pain.

This is interesting to consider and has a lot of emotion at work, but not hatred, which is refreshing; and yet, leaves a reader ultimately sad...partly due to the brevity of the poem. There's not much for the speaker here to say. There's a sense of hopelessness and no words can justify or cure. It's the worse few days a person will have until enough time passes.

Yeah, with a little work, if you're not done with this one, it could resonate even more deeply, or become song lyrics with some of those refrains. Hit up Brandiwyn🎶 Author Icon. We talked about collaborating once upon a time. Not sure what's she's up to now. But, yeah. It's definitely got a music vibe that with a little coaxing could really emote those feelings. It gives me thoughts of how this voice might sound, too. Can't cast any songstresses in my mind. Adele does all the heartbreak. Have to go back a way.

Pleasure to have read your poem in acknowledgment of your WDC Account Anniversary,

Brian
WDC Account Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer

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82
82
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Happy Account Anniversary Quick-Quill Author Icon,

I can offer a little further insight on this piece that was unusual to read here, but you might have learned her name was Dorothy Manou from Pennsylvania (maybe Connecticut?), since writing this: her background and interest in the arts became well documented, a Facebook page, a love of her old alma mater, that she would take care of individuals in her community. More. My brain is a bit fuzzy tonight...or always about the past with her here. Just remember well, when her husband passed away.

She encouraged and continued to sing like a bird to my ear until she finally resigned to a more leisurely life. I wanted to respond, but like you wondered, but didn't dare ask too much, about what drove her intention. She handed off Rising Stars but it was quickly put to bed. I think I was a North Star winner somewhere between 2009-2013. Not much history left to recall.

It's curious sometimes the generosity of the souls we come across who have talents and gifts we cannot possibly know. Maybe, part of the generosity is to show she was just one of us, enjoyed good writing and sharing notes with interesting authors. She wasn't one to boast and one of the classiest people to roll through here. Thanks for sharing this. I just wanted to get off a quick note in acknowledgment. My eyes aren't good tonight, so keeping it brief.

Brian

WDC Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
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83
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Happy Account Anniversary Genipher Author Icon,

When I first glanced at "Can’t Fight The Element" I thought I saw something like a waterfall. Knowing the subject and theme with the red font, this passes as a shape poem, with its structure resembling a heart. This poem filtered through subject like the central idea was cascading down to an impactful conclusion. There, I put both shape ideas in a single comment. Moving on.

This visual layout reinforces the poem’s central theme of the unstoppable force of the heart, portrayed here as an "element" that battles within, suggesting both a natural and uncontrollable force. The most determined can still have those sudden moments, and well relayed here for a reader to this reveal near the end.

I find a semi-humorous tone emerges that speaks about the heart, but without explicitly naming it until the final line. By referring to it as an "element" and describing its effects on the speaker—my vision was altered. This destruction of the being—the poem seemed to lightly mock the often overused language about love and passion. The humor in this lies in the exaggerated consequences of what is really just a very human experience: overpowering emotions erupt within that heart.

The narrative voice was also interesting to consider with this introspect and managing to be somewhat detached. The voice instead chooses to observe the heart’s destruction which reveals a defense mechanism at work (something I’ve also tried). It’s as if the speaker is an onlooker to their own emotional upheaval. This detachment also contributed to the humor, contrasting the intense emotions you’ve described. The tone suggests a resigned acceptance, inferring as reader how familiar the heart battle. It’s insightful, gives perspective and very relatable for the reader. Perhaps just an inevitable part of life.

The thematic arc, that was something in reveal to witness. Its sudden undoing in the final lines was effective in wrapping up the poem, kind of like an irony. This poem begins with an inferred battle, progresses through consequences of internal struggle, and pow! Revelation that the force behind everything is still up to the heart. The "undoing" in the final lines, when the relentless organ is finally identified, grounds the poem’s portrayal at outset with the somewhat whimsical depictions. It developed nicely into a relatable, human experience that bordered but did not enter melancholy.

I looked for poetic devices, found subtly woven throughout. The use of enjambment — where lines spill into the next — seems to mirror the heart’s relentless flow, influence, causing a sense of motion that aligns with the function of its shape. The imagery of "rose-colored glasses,“ clever, suggests how we really are delusional at times with a blinding optimism. Then, there’s the intensity in "fierce, undying passion" to emphasize and depict our emotions.

Overall, found a good poem, uses its shape, narrative voice, and poetic devices to explore theme of the heart’s overpowering influence in a way that is both humorous and poignant. Even the title says it. The poem’s structure, coupled with clever language, reveal a gradual theme that changes tone. A pleasure. To read and offer review for your well-constructed poem.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Account Anniversary
and Super Power Reviewer
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Review of The Answer  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Happy Account Anniversary lbidler Author Icon,

There's a lot to read into the passage you shared, and apply myself to see how it compares with your essay that intones beliefs that were limited in discourse. I was hoping to see your piece rounded out more. Just a few examples from society/world today to compare to that biblical passage, as I am not well versed in scripture and curious myself.

It's quite possible, some leaders knew in those days without king, without laws, they needed to deter, as an answer like Jesus was. He built hope and it did bring people together. We do not have many uniters, leaders today, unfortunately. I've seen people not standing up, because they know there's more push back than ever. Politicians have acted like clowns at a circus, people we're supposed to depend upon. I'm no forecaster. It's going to be rather dystopian out there with a pretty good chance of totalitarianism.

I think there will be a uniter one day, fear for religion(s) and individuality and the freedoms we were guaranteed. Inspired by your offering, I'm reminded it's time to turn the other cheek, but walk away. Perhaps, barricade in our hearts and minds, hold, serve and protect our loved ones, family, friends and community. Even if communities unite and link arm and arm, it would be a start. But what about central government?

What you point to is a mentality that joins forces, as with riots or looting. As police have to approach more cautiously, at what point does a tide turn? It's unfortunate how much undoes all the good today.

You make it clear it's disturbing how people react to violence with more violence. In a world where people are monistic, root for a team, stream murder shows, get all up in some addictive medium like online gaming. Many are not checking in, don't know what's going on in the world. They're trying to decide if they're hungry or if they'll take a three hour nap. And some rage into the social machines.

History is a great teacher. The Bible is just one part of it and all it can do right now is stop a bullet. It's unfortunate how many have left church, spent less time in reflection about teachings that were intended to give us guidelines for Christian and moral beliefs.

Just as you say, with this piece called "The Answer," I look for that in what you shared, project: "As a Christian, the working alternative to violence is Jesus Christ...and each other. Unless we come together and be the example for anyone at any age to know peace through non-violent means, we will never stop living “as everyone sees fit.”

It's more condemnation for the inaction and is not motivating the violent. There are reasonable people who agree who cannot lift a finger to help. How to identify and get into the community and find messages that will reach them takes institutions. Educational system is failing, parents are sidestepping, and churches are at all time lows not only in attendance, but participation.

We can't go out into the world and ask, 'but what about Jesus'. It will go unheard and is an answer that will not apply. The world could be a much better place in the future because of science and technology. We'll have to make the best of it.

Thanks for the material to comment on and allow my two cents. I've been in reflection about a lot of this. What you report is just the edge of our world, complicated so much by war that a third wouldn't be out of the question. I can from where I'm standing if Jesus doesn't materialize in five to ten years, it will be just 'yes, boss' and 'go team!' for the rest of time.

As far as this essay, sermonize. It's good to cite opinion. To bring arguments home, present topics and give some support that a reader can consider, attest. You might be just beginning on this topic. I'd prefer scenes/scenarios, anything in news or topical that brings home you point. Interpret the passage and work solely on that, what it means, how it's applied. I cannot just assume these things opined into evidence without something to chew. I hope we all can learn more, if not to help others, guard ourselves.

You're well meaning and obviously passionate. Don't separate yourself from the rest, see there are good people without belief in the good book prophecies, but can join arms with common agreement to take back society. A case stated strongly compels and possibly brings some back in the fold as God's lambs, once again. Thank you and keep expressing yourself with an eye to how others might view your findings. Give them a vision with your messages.

Sincerely,

Brian

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Happy Account Anniversary angel of God Author Icon,

To me, this is poetry, that you created and categorized as article. This has a wonderful read that offers poetic visions. So, I treat it as such for this WDC Account Anniversary Review, acknowledging your 18th year since becoming a member August 30, 2006.

I enjoyed the flow of your prose and the line length with the repetition of some of the words to give that overlapping feeling that lends of stream or water theme. I enjoyed the free form of the structure not bothered by punctuation or lack of division to display verses. It is reminiscent of some other works I've read that don't immediately come to mind.

Today I took a trip into a stream
Down a river, into a bay & into the sea,
Opening new worlds of possibilities

Right there, at this juncture, in this block of poem, a natural break, sans any punctuation. And, I feel it’s notable and possibly deliberate, as the words invite, send the reader in that drift, free flowing. It has a hold like an omniscient voice to start out. And the mashing together of the sentences is not like a run on, unhurried, but continuation of this expressed journey of the mind and how it visits along the way. I’m finding myself more immersed and in love with a smooth read and the use of language and metaphor.

Endless time, forgotten beauty
Life so still yet so graceful
Bringing meaning to Life itself

You could break these into verses, since no form or rhyme scheme apply as free form poetry. We come to a point in the poem that will need to give the reader a moment to redirect. However, so far, I feel like I'm with a tour guide. I can stop and spend longer looking at the words as they flow on.

This opening had me imagining something like a leaf that travels this far, personified, yet a spiritual, representative form for the human soul. It’s like joining this magic thing through nature, journey out to sea. The relevance is some transformative process from birth toward horizon, as free spirit. But, does it flow backward through time or is fluid in past and present because of memory and the experience to witness what lies ahead? It’s uplifting, gentle and enlightening.

Words are capitalized like ‘Life’, as if personified. I find some of it confusing, capitalized words for emphasis weren’t consistent like ‘Life’ and ‘life’, or ‘sea’ and ‘Sea’ (but can make case for showing transformative or regression in each with further clarity...otherwise leave lower or upper, with a need to be consistent), while transitioning into “Horizon,” “Sun,” “Moon,” and “Beauty.” I do, however, like the notion of myth, a bit of mystery. Things unseen at play, things we couldn’t know about a spirit, about life play with my mind.

Then we change and find ourselves on dry land almost immediately:

No barrier, holding life to its place, just
A vast open road
Road that leads to the depths of the myths
Myths that seem to be real
Danger waiting at every step & turn

The reason is you’ve switched metaphor from water to road. With proper transition, you can switch metaphor to road as this entity, the narrative voice, as a reader wants to believe anything to the supernatural here. I don't know if human or spirit. Don't know if I float on water and then walk on road. A reader has to be able to come up with a concrete vision to translate words as expressions that they can follow. You are consistent with the road metaphor in the five lines above. Would have liked Horizon introduced in first verse, because that seems the goal, the natural progression to nearing there.

Yet Life blooms at such depths
Stretching away from the Horizon
Where the Sun, the Moon cast a spell on the Sea
Bringing with it, its Beauty
of those unchartered territory
Of the Sea…….!!!

And we’re back to water imagery, metaphors. I think another way for this and other sections to transition is to describe the sea like an open road, with simile. This shows experience in the voice, allows further travel, more to see, imagine, witness. This section also is a verse, third and final, unto itself, if you can envision it as I have. And, only because the metaphor isn't consistent.

All in all, I like the nature and spirit themes intertwined. I think this writing has a way to go in the editing department, but there is raw power in the message and in images that can be harnessed. I would lean into mystery/myth, maybe clues or obtuse hints for a reader to consider this voice. More sensory and more specific images could help. There are so many different approaches to take.

You have the vision. I relate what it makes me feel, anticipate and hope extrapolate where these words oculd take shape, take a reader on that ride to Horizon on Sea, perhaps unforgettable. A pleasure to have read and considered this, ahem, 'article' for feedback. *Smile*

Sincerely,

Brian
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Dear Strychnine Author Icon,

After reading "Trapped within," I found myself recalling similar scenarios to what you've described. I'm now adding these words to the top of this already written review to put this feedback in proper context. I relate, empathize, and understand to a degree from what you've shared what you must be feeling, what I've witnessed others go through (like my son) that have given me some insight. It sounds like some unexamined issues unacknowledged in these honest admissions that seem very familiar and makes me think about situations I've been in where I've had to identify the source of these feelings, or lack thereof, that compel these reactions.

An individual can navigate this, but if you suspect something unresolved lives in your dark, you could do what I've done and seek the appropriate counsel.

Since this does not appear to be a creative writing, I assume all to have happened to the writer. The fact that you feel you trust no one, feel no one can respond says something I'm familiar with. It took my child getting a diagnosis that helped illuminate my own consideration of what I might investigate about my own personality quirks.

The self-loathing thing a therapist would insist you must love yourself, because no one will love you until you figure out a way. But, only you know what you wrestle with, but the writing is a way to express and hopefully find answers like a note in a bottle cast to sea. If there is just one person in your life who can suggest what steps to take, it would help to deal with this as soon as possible.

You deserve to be free from the pressures of life, anything that might have that hold to make you conform. Self-actualizing is important to knowing oneself and to deal with this issues as they come up. And the fears, there must be something specific. I know ADHD is one way to get anxious, overwhelmed, especially is demanding environments where one cannot possibly follow everything that is going on around them. This causes fear, frustration, aggression and depression. If it were just that, it might be easy to manage.

Just offering some thoughts, some hope, a rope, should you want it from a stranger who is empathetic to the words you've shared. Writing is a great way to purge. The further one is backed into these corners, write your way out. Write to give these feelings names, actions and describe scenarios. Best way, is to remove yourself and create a character who needs to be protected. Write to protect your protagonist when they get in scenarios familiar to you, but embellish. The further you are away from your own life, the better for creating new scenarios in a new world, where people will come to see this play out and perhaps see ways to find resolution.

That's just something of an activity you can try, using creative skills. You have a good handle on expression through writing. Now use literary devices from allegory to a plot twist or more. Anything you like in any form of storytelling media, apply it to your story and see if your character can get out of jams. Write someone readers will root for. You might have a highly functioning mind, if I guess right. It's quite possible to use imagination to fuel the machine that needs these exercises.

Just thoughts of course. I'm no expert on it, but learning to know myself. Also learning, I can be for others if they want help. But, if I can’t be for me, what good am I doing? I know situations I've been put in and how the life narrative tries to control oneself. Write yourself out of those traps. But, I always hear that professional help is the number one thing. It might not give the results one is seeking, so deeply felt and expressed. No one wants to be a zombie on prescription drugs. They can keep changing meds until one might feel happy enoughbto function in this demanding world with complex, wall-to-wall, unknowable over knowable. With the correct prescription for life would be wonderful, allow a person to more calmly consider and work through these issues, the way I understand it to work.

Applying part of the Socratic Method to one’s life: Know thy self. It suggests that “knowing oneself” involves making oneself thoughtful. Knowing oneself must be active, practical, rational, and constructive. Hopefully, I was able to offer something here of some help to you. We can only be for ourselves until we can be for ourselves. And you write so well, you can discover yourself through writing and purging thoughts through various mediums like journaling, fiction, poetry, editorial/opinion and more. Let the world examine those words, lend its react and then give consideration to what feels true, and maybe follow your bliss. I support your words of expression.

Sincerely,

Brian
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I apologize if some thoughts seem unclear, as I’m unable to further edit this review with uncorrectable low vision.


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Happy Account Anniversary WriterRick Author Icon,

Thankful in tone and apparently deeply religious, this feels honest and forthright and a great gift of respect to the man that raised you. Though restrained a bit as prose, its brevity aims and hits direct target for a reader. I've recently eulogized my brother and had to take a look at this, while acknowledging your 21-year anniversary at WDC.

"Please help me to carry forward his legacy by living a life that honors his memory. Give me the strength to be as loving, compassionate, and strong as he was."

That quote had the most impact for me inspecting the text for information and how I relate to this prayer-like monologue. Truly, it goes to the self when this speaks as if aloud, and/or as pen shared in a community as this one. I don't know if it was part of a writing activity or from a prompt, but feels a free flowing construct from the heart. And, sometimes, written to purge and free a mind from uncertainty that comes with loss.

But, why do we feel we are in the shadows of giants like our dads? Teenagers usually rebel a bit to find themselves, express who their are without the instruction of paternal sorts. Somehow, we come back to them aware of what they were trying to share all those years. Yet, few have the opportunity to show appreciation for a parent in the way you have revealed, happy to remain in that shadow, put on the man's shoes to continue the legacy of this walk through life like him. It's powerful when it considers that maybe after all the years, the son finally can seek the strength to be like the idolized man.

Overall, this was touching as a talk with a higher power, and a wonderful tribute that I feel would be appreciated in family circles/dad. But, it's directness and honesty serves foremost only one, son. And, just as a self talk, it's motivational for a reader to see how one trudges forward after loss and how we are left after these giants leave crater like footprints to fill on the path of life. I only wish I could exhume words with this much reverence since the obedience to a man that commanded many lives before he left us.

This is a breath of fresh air and a pleasure to have considered for feedback. Happy Account Anniversary once again.

Brian

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Dear Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon,

Some interesting anecdotes and thoughts that I feel are familiar to myself in this short, non-fiction, prompt piece. I'm not surprised that prose began evolve into the sound of beautiful poetic depictions by the end.

I assume the quote and not the music video is prompt for this non-fiction construct that appears that it might not have been completed for submission for whatever activity this was.

What you've related in the opening is so familiar, a diploma and what good is it. A certain Northern college misspelled my first name on a B.A.! That's the only thing that gave it worth for me. It's a wonder how tuition still manages to sky rocket. *Laugh*

Sabetha, Kansas and it's small town feel, maybe in 1975, sounds absolutely welcoming with all the farming depictions and nature in that tiny county region. I have researched a lot of places around the country (for retirement) and that has to be the smallest Midwest area I've come across. For me, the introduction to this settlement of yours is enchanting.

What is it about being penniless/jobless and either in or fresh out of college that feels so nostalgic and romantic to me? There is such a freedom exhibited in your words as you transition out of higher education into poverty in a small town. I think the only thing I would have liked expanded was to give more detail on the lesson in kindness that didn't seem to sync up in details offered here.

I love the feeling of the remembrance of Laura with the long blonde hair, which further captured this feeling of freedom. And let's not forget that depression lifting. College was full on depression for me and I think I was grinding too hard. I can imagine that the headache and worry of college would dissipate and this wonderful, new community would lend to the joy to replace the unhappiness. Only thing missed is a cold drink in hand, view of a sunset and the large dog at your side. Or is that my vision?

This was heartwarming and rich, with details and words economized but functioning so well in a brief write. I don't even wonder about the line, "Images come to mind of ladders and splashing white oil paint, of machetes, velvet weed, and shatter-cane," because it sounds like several jobs, experiences either painting or harvesting. The way described, therapeutic a bit, that I think this fully chased any remaining depression away.

So quick, and maybe a little editing needed for appearance, but overall enjoyed the experience captured by your words here. I happened to catch this on the read and review pages tonight.

Sincerely,

Brian
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Happy Account Anniversary EyeSingOnTheCake Author Icon,

The title of this poem combined with description line gave me some extra information after reading this poem that might give further context to this troubled soul, detached, possibly from oneself in self-monologue, directing attention away from this speaker's hidden feelings, while indirectly stating just that.

It might be considered dramatic, as a reading audience would understand -- this is ramping up to feelings of self-pity amid the remorse. But, this is human reaction and the culmination of thought to express, and very touching for me with it frame-worked so well in narrative. While it may have directed other readers away from the speaker, this condition speaks to others who might understand.

Psychologically, I think this is someone who is used to being judged for their outward appearance, repeatedly misunderstood and/or stereotyped. It makes sense to not call attention to oneself, because it would be more of the same and get the 'here we go again looks/responses'. This poem really depicts the true ignorance of unsympathetic people who have no time/ability to truly understand. Nothing to give.

But moreover, this is partly a plea for understanding in this understated tone, without asking for it -- simple statements that if someone should catch on, then the speaker will know 'they get it' and it might be enough to feel safe, to not feel alone with this pain, to have expressed it to someone who might actually empathize.

That could be going overboard on my part. But, I look for evidence and start with the opening two lines...

"Do not mourn or pray for the girl
Dream for her"

It's spiritual in a sense, while rejecting Christianity, which never did this soul any good. Mourning is like pity. Who wants that? What can a prayer do? The line "Dream for her" is powerful, because she's lost hope, she needs someone to construct believable visions to integrate in a story with hope. I might be wrong for saying this, but line three is not needed, as I have inferred it. But, it does punctuate the point and it does speak to those who cannot comprehend and is trying to get there in poem.

I like the next two lines that she has no tears left to cry. If I were to suggest just one word 'dry' as replacement, you can get right to the next conjoining statement, "For her eyes/are red with blood" (Blood is font red). The way the poem is constructed could sound too self-pitying to someone who might get the message -- back to that drama that others tune out. Maybe, a direct point that is blunt is what the audience needs to hear? But, just a thought. And it's not a condemnation of the statements. This is a free flowing poem full of truth and sentiment that is honest and has worth.

The next few lines open some doors to the possibility there is hope...

"And while it seems
she has no fears
she has no faith..."

This goes back to the misread by others and is pretty profound, intelligent and logical in communicating to ignorant others. It's knowing to phrase it "...while it seems..." It shows emotional intelligence, as well. This is to the point of being paternal toward another to help them understand, what you see is not reality, and your judging a book by its cover. What's hopeful here is the use of the word 'faith'. That doesn't have to have religious connotation. It's right next to hope. We have a person that cannot emote what other people need to see, dry of tears, numb. Negative stereotypes come out of that about one's attitude, which is also unfair.

And to land on "her pain is dear" suggests she's willing to suffer through the agony, having faith what's missing will be restored. In fact, the process of emotional pain is complex and psychologists can't truly pin it down like some five stages of whatever.

I feel she really is suffering on the inside and not showing it on the outside. To acknowledge the pain is to open up to those who don't know how to properly respond. There, I feel better now. I've experienced it, too. Through a lot of years of throughput. I become monotone by 17. Definitely a reflex to anxiety that can stir up so much, being kept pinned down by 'helpful' others. and, opening up can also set one up for manipulation. But, that's another story.

You navigate this poem so well with brevity and the indirectness that seems to speak more to oneself and to the air, than to really anyone. Perhaps, soliloquy? Because, if opined to someone, just one more thing they won't understand. The poem, however, is the conduit to a world of sufferers and empaths who get it. You obviously know that. Writing purges some of this, and in a construct as good as this, puts it in the proper context, forum, for fuller understanding.

So, well done. I'm crying on the inside right now. *Smile* And considering one of the other poem's by you read this evening, it feels like 'suicide' if you spoke the words of someone braver. If we launch into something, we have no idea if we'll hang ourselves with our words. But, we have learned from some ventures to know that feeling. We. You.

I hope I've come close enough to understanding the sentiment and output this poem intends. It's a melancholic pleasure to have considered for feedback.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Anniversary
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Dear Fyn Author Icon,

I found this poem on the read and review page at WDC and was intrigued at first by the metaphor of a furnace as beast and alligator, until I sat back and really looked to note the words had shaped to offer the profile of an alligator face.

I liked the sarcasm in that opening statement and with this shape form, it flows rather well to emphasize this frustration with the furnace. The direction you took the overused phrase “Far from the least” to show “just the single largest” problem this speaker has to deal with...was nicely constrasted to make statement.

I like new expressions and tried to think of ways “mingle-mangle” functions in description of the personified furnace. It could be a particular vernacular or expression germane to a region, but also like to think as poet, forming words into new expressions, we can test reader’s knowledge and ability to transform these new phrases, incorporated in a story poem like this. It can give greater dimension envisioning what you craft here.

“Mingle” seems out of place but with “mangle” there is a co-mingling of alliteration and assonance with a fun lyrical quality. It helps keep the tone of the poem light, tempering frustration and sarcasm in rant. I might quibble with what it is really doing, but there is some evidence further down in poem in describing that gives one a clue.

The furnace is described as “demanding” reverence while the sheet metal encasing it is rusted and the thing has “noxious carburetor breath.” Therein, I see some irony at play. So, it’s old and not working right and the narrator is turning it into this thing that is dominating home life, perhaps over-consuming fuel, or at least leaking it, suggested by poem end? Either way, personifying it and giving the notion of sending it away to a scrap heap one day is ‘fond desire,” again, tempers this voice with the torment of something described as a beast/alligator.

I like the idea of the thing lurking in the dark, bellowing and belching, as would a dragon. Dragons can seem more ferocious or noble, so an alligator in its swamp, peering at one with eyes over water gives a creepy feeling. I’m surprised there is not something more about how it represents as an alligator. Though, the shaped text is amusing.

I’m along for the ride with this one. It presents a narrative voice well and personifies this rusty old furnace in a way that one must think the owner/operator has to put up with it…either from the cost to replace/repair or as tenant where landlord is not interested in the cost of its replacement. I’d have to assume it’s ownership, as you end with this desire to scrap it. Love where you broke off “twist-ed” on the two lines with the hyphen sticking out, could almost be longer and serve as tongue or tooth perhaps?

Also, the “it’s on my list” line seemed an interesting point in this context. I wonder, if besides the cost, if this person is burdened with a lot of to-dos and adds character to speaker. This poem rant is from an overwhelmed state where one must dream the future scrapping to watch it “bleeding fuel and silently, dying." Destroying something is theraputic. (I think the comma there could go?) I did notice a missing ‘d’ in ‘demanding’.

Overall, this was clever and a joy to consider for feedback. It shows creativity and a good handle on language to bring the furnace beast to life for a reader like me to image and relate in knowing similar ailments with home heating devices, the trouble, the cost and more. Respect for this.

Brian

WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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Wow, I got through whole review before I knew it was you! *Laugh* Only had 44 minutes to get done. Hope it doesn't sound too rushed.


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Happy Account Anniversary cheese111 Author Icon,

Looks like I'm in the minority on this one. I found it was your anniversary at Writing.Com today, and noted only two items in your portfolio here. However, I could not resist this poll as I am notoriously a fan and author of first person fiction and poetry. I can comment on that and some of the reasons why I might be one of only eight in your poll that prefer the limited POV of oneself.

The omniscient voice in fiction is one that seems to be captive for an audience. There are few times when the flavor of a first person narrative can hold a reader or viewer, from Holden Caulfield to Ferris Bueller. With the all knowing god-like entity telling us like it is, why don't we question whether that voice could be true? It's just one person playing god to convince readers the events and story are true, which in both aspects can be understood as fault. That's what's great about fiction.

To me, the first person is closest to real, not truth. We are all flawed and like the idea of a person misleading a reader in story, sometimes to such great proportions Bueller style that the reader/viewer can question and make their own assumptions about what is really happening. With the limitations of a first person, we can see flaws in the storyteller, see what is true and what is evidently a person on an arc of their own. Hopefully one that actualizes them by story end. Or, a story where they can show how they got to a revelation either mid or end story, to the satisfaction of the audience.

Any other POV to tell a story comes with struggle, relating a story through what someone else said? Isn't that second hand and the least trustworthy? It serves for short fiction, I believe. And a writer has to know it will compel a reader. Omniscient to me is in the shadow of flawed truth. As a writer, I cannot put myself in god-like shoes. I can't possibly know every character's motivation, the effect and how it moves the story. I do know what I observe and with many questions why. It could be just my limitations where many others do know or can assume into fact before they write.

I'm disappointed by how little I can grasp and how the world can repress and suppress the protagonist, or even the anti-hero, which we know is as unreal as the omniscient one. Anti-heroes usually do what writers want the power to do, some low-level vigilante Batman who had to witness atrocity and overcome it with some more fictionalized ability and ever so lucky events to overcome. History is written by victors. Does that mean fiction is written by losers?

I just came up with that. Hmm. Why are we all here writing and/or reading instead of just living life? My back patio is calling. Yet, I haven't cracked open a cold one to celebrate a publication, nor the freedom of taking my brain outside and stare at the rabbits nibbling ever so close to my guarded garden. What choice do I have? First person all the way, life and fiction. I know the difference between the two and can apply my logic to what I envision and be just as good as any omniscient voice. People will pick me up and put me back down, no matter what.

This was fun. Thanks for the poll and the incentive to opine upon the reasons for it and to lend my input on the subject. Best to you.


Brian

WDC Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
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92
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Review of Aftermath of War  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm reviewing you as a member of *Angel* "The WDC Angel Army" Open in new Window.. With an eye toward new talent on Writing.com, I hope my review helps welcome and shed light on "newbies" like you...

Dear Rishi Author Icon,

I hadn't noted you were a new member until I finished reading your poem for feedback. I was impressed with your handle on language and the progression this poem takes to finish. Sadly, I had visions of the current war or wars that are weakening hope. This poem is wrought with images that contrast the rhyming theatre in which your have portrayed our words to a reader.

I found this poem on the read and review page. My review will be shorter than usual due to the time constraint and hope that it will suffice as feedback for the poet.

By the time we got to 'palace' and 'king' I felt this was a bit more fantasy and fictionalized. The genres are philosophy, political and war. I do see the title line with mention of it as a former fantasy piece. I should have noted. Time restraint factor, I guess.

The poem has a great cadence and flow to start with the stark depictions of the aftermath of war, sets up visually and puts a reader in the scene and can carry the vision forward. What's unfortunate is this may have gone on too long and could be boiled down to the elements a stanza or two less to the outcomes. It seemed difficult to keep up the great rhythm and rhyming nature of the write. You do portray in natural order events, though do not give many specifics on what they strike as deal, trade for, etc. I'm curious what prompts this and what it takes to resolve.

The statement that realization began of 'what they had paid' was already a given, unless it was about the deal struck. It struck me as something that could be given consideration in first or second verse to lead to the negotiations that end war. Otherwise, the outcome and factor upon loved ones would have that realization, and perhaps this is transition into relating those final depictions.

However, when we get to the end, it feels glossed a bit. Could give a reader more revelation about these losses, the heartbreak to fully feel the message this poem sends. I think you've done a great job and see potential in this poem. I would ordinarily take more time to consider and give my thoughts more context without the read and review time contraints.

This is a worthy poem and have been pleased to consider and lend what thoughts and reactions I've had to it. Hope I may find time to find more of your work and words in another way, another time, on this expansive writing community. Enjoy your time here.

Brian

WDC Newbie
and Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of Bread  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Happy Account Anniversary Genipher Author Icon,

Reversal on the Jack and Beanstalk tale with a not so happy ending. It seems fiction has reversed with villains getting more victories. I wonder if the man in white is finally relegated and buried in libraries of yore. I don't disagree with outcome, saddened by the loss of righteousness with a mighty 'Hi, Ho, Silver!" with that will to overcome great odds and spare the innocent victims. Though, it can be conceived in your story that the thief had no right to the golden goose. The story wasn't from the perpetrator's perspective. And, victors do write history. So, here we are in redraft. Giant 1, Jack infinity streak snapped.

What I noted as I read, foremost, language usage. I liked character names and am unfamiliar with fantasy genre, but certain that these names genuine to folklore and just give a bit of flavor along with the few expressions that typify a particular flavor for language, as with the giant.

Also when the giant snaps his beefy fingers, I want a feel for that sound. How does it affect space, others around him. How would one describe this sound because it is likely 50 times more powerful and could compel objects with its force, creating a deafening sound. I think that is something to play with right there that could fascinate a reader who will immerse in scene.

Which goes to pacing. It's quick. I think a slow reveal is better. I wouldn't discount revealing some of the actions premeditated in those final moments to grab the golden goose. It's apparent he's fraught with fear, it's likely precipitated by nervous actions that led to ultimate failure.

Where's the back and forth between giant and goose thief? Sometimes, these stories have a little negotiating before the giant gets final say. Yeah, hungry. A cannibal. Dark and sickening, if that's what you go for, it could be preceded by more unseemly things that forebode, and what the giant will likely do when goose thief caught, causing more trepidation for reader. All in the pacing, lengthening of this short fiction. Of course, if for a short fiction activity, by all means. But, story could have a dual life.

Only other note: a cliché that could be upgraded/removed: "wash over his soul" with 'wash over' an oft used expression. The giant really enjoys his goose, because he doesn't eat it? Perhaps, his love of its music could affect him more viscerally, furthering any foreboding of his anger when its music interrupted.

That's all I've got to this point. I like stories getting flipped on their head with new revelations. I intone Paula Cole, "Where Have All The Cowboys Go-aa-onn-ee? Yippy-eye, Yippy-yay!" That's my cue. Does the goose know that one?

Had fun reviewing this story. Hope review was good. Happy Month Long Anniversary!

Brian
WDC Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of The Climb  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Nicely worded, short, tight poem that I'm instructed at outset has derived from prompt words that seemed to point writers toward a fantasy genre, as you cultivated a visual piece with a message employing nature...something more my flavor. So, let's take a look:

The path is steep and narrow
Boughs arch shelter from the sun
A bridge gives rest for dry feet
As sun rays warm cool skin

I break out these four lines that act as introduction to scene and some sensory words come in play. A reader is given a poem with a narrative voice that directs our view to the 'path' described as 'steep and narrow' and felt the sense to duck, as 'Boughs arch shelter' above a head, and that kind of put me there, and then my eyes, redirected, spared from that sun by end of line two.

Line three might seem tired and does not build on the active imagery. It tells, as it can be assumed what a bridge does. I found this an opportunity to help us visualize here, depict with appearance and placement of that structure...high, low? And then, back to the sun. I see an opportunity here to already imply the sun's influence on the surface of whatever bridge material and still employ those rays to 'warm cool skin'.

To this point the poem functions. I'd like to see you get even more mileage out of those words. Anaphora is your friend to tempt a reader's imagination and interest. This next line repeats 'steep', as with 'sun' earlier. With anaphora, applying like thesaurus, you can select another depictive word. However, you might want to show action, like ascent, since we already know the incline, or 'climb' or 'climb the incline' to get an inner rhyme that would be fine. But, not that much rhyme, as I've demonstrated over doing it. *Bigsmile* But, great to break out for kids or to rap?

Only the brave dare pass
Gravel stones fight the hold

In the above two lines we get a depiction of the bridge/path and the statement 'Only the brave dare pass' is like a Kafka gun in the first act, should you know the reference, 'has to go off in the second act'. Meaning, we need a reason why one must be 'brave' (we learn by the end). The treachery starts with 'steep' and 'stones fight'. How about altitude? I'll put that in play with my imagination. Scarier now.

The next line well demonstrates and shows the reader the scene once again, and works very well in this continuation: "Branches reach down their help..." I did think one word could be replaced, 'their', with 'to help' or 'with help'.

"Onward climbs the determined" Hmm.

I joke, 'determined' is a cliffhanger. Get it? It does describe a class of folk who are determined. This is something that is definitely the poet's choice. However, when thinking of our readers, we want them to keep up and join us on this climb, need all the help they can get. Perhaps, smooth the way for them so they don't stumble over a hole that might need fill of a missing word 'one' or 'ones' to combine with 'determined'. It's barely a hiccup, but something to consider when paving the way for a reader. It also helps the poet conceive of goal and how poem delivers in the end. (phew, I'm tired from all my metaphors.)

And, what do you know?

the goal is just in sight GOAL!
Green grass to comfort the weary Instead of green, known, maybe some thing else grass, sensory?
Sweet fruit a worthy reward

These three lines are where you stick the landing. I like knowing the goal is just in sight, as my mind's eye adjusts to visualize what that might be. The green grass and it's comfort is welcoming. The final line about reward could be more specific, described even. What are we eating? This is all great and wraps up nicely. It might be fun to forebode why we climb. Perhaps, that arch could be prickly. Do we sweat and/or chill enroute?

My mind wants to imagine a secret place, perhaps a secret route to commune with a harvest. And with whom? Alone? I like all the feels I'm getting. I can apply some of this as reader myself. I'm openly stating or suggesting as I review to help myself and poet envision more, if just to consider with that next write. You have a bounty before you, created a great structure to fill, and get 'more mileage' from.

It's a short read, not a long hike. Sometimes, a reader will benefit from poem structure attuning to subject/theme, just as you have employed green font to help with depiction (nice choice, btw). I can see it being stretched out to show the difficulty, or tightly packed with more active language to struggle the dense. It's just loaded and loved to see it come to fruition, should you revisit. Had another metaphor in me. *Bigsmile*

As you see, I'm enthusiastic about this poem and enjoy commenting in metaphor and pun to intone what you have offered. Thank you for sharing this and hope to be back to pick a few more ripe pieces and harvest a review or two more.

All the best,

Brian
WDC Anniversary
and Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of This old dog  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm reviewing you as a member of *Angel* "The WDC Angel Army" Open in new Window.. With an eye toward new talent on Writing.com, I hope my review helps welcome and shed light on new members like you...

Dear Sunny Author Icon,

This is a sad poem, Sunny. "This old dog" is an interesting title to a short offering that appears simple and direct. If I dig a little deeper, look for something in the narrative that cloaks as a self-reference, I will find it. But, there are descriptions only of an animal, thus far. Otherwise, reader and speaker seem to steer toward a connection with an 'old dog', living out its last years. There is more to be considered reading between the lines for the poem's information. That's where I'll start this review.

There is some sensory experience but especially empathy flowing through the first four lines..."This old dog longs to rest/To feel the breeze in its fur/To have the warmth/Of the sun on it’s spotted nose..." It's interesting to note how this is broken up and where the emphasis of the words are placed to show a little something in that imagery.

That break between line three and four is early and decides to drive on two fragments "To feel the breeze in its fur" / "To have the warmth," which I think is an interconnected sensory experience here. You share from the dog being tired, to it experiencing relaxation, and then finish referencing the sun on its spotted nose...thus, description. It feels deliberate, but naturally breaks this up for reader.

There definitely are characteristics of a dog relaxing in its latter years, but is contrasted with the last three lines: "This old dog is losing her youth/This old dog is going to come to and end/-the end of a chapter"...I feel this is where the emphasis has changed from dog to the narrative voice/self. We can assume the dog's voice or the narrator giving the dog it's own voice, but there is an unnatural transition from watching an old dog and then relating the rest of the poem to the speaker.

It feels like a self-describing section, thus evoking sympathy from the reader, perhaps sadly forecasting the end of a part of life...because it's only the end of a chapter, not story/life. But, it suggests the best part of the dog's story is over, possibly well past falling action. Perhaps, nearing summary?

There is no detachment from speaker at this point in describing the dog that originally felt like empathy in observation. Now it is speaker foretelling the future, even though we sometimes think we know the fate of an animal. But, if it's just a chapter, it's not dying. Therefore, this poem might seem a little confusing because of its approach to depicting the 'old dog'.

But, for a reader, there will be connection, their own interpretation. And, the little bit that's obtuse gets them to think/feel, go from empathy to sympathy. There's no argument to be made about what this is about, but what this is supposed to make a reader feel.

I felt empathy, an understanding through experience of how life does end, that parts of life are better than others, and that getting 'old', the emphasized word, is what puts a chapter of life to rest. We can feel something symbolically here, too.

What if there's no dog? What if this is just expression to express how life is, operates, how we feel in relationship to it? Your poem might seem simple on the surface. I see many layers and much to consider.

There was one small typo where you intend 'an' instead of 'and' in line six. Without punctuation, while using capitals to begin every line, the poem could confuse, but you make simple and direct statements that are easy to read and consider for your audience. It functions.

Your poem is an interesting choice to start a collection and could imagine it might be about wisdom, experience, aging and gets into nostalgia and more to lend to theme. I haven't read anything else by you, since I picked this up on the read and review page. It was a pleasure to discover and consider for feedback.

You're not a newbie to this, are you? Good to have your words in the WDC universe.

Sincerely,

Brian
WDC Ange Army Reviewer
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear iKïyå§ama Author Icon,

Just from that opening paragraph from a male point of view, and depiction with first person, you are nailing down character when you hit on the notes of vanity, insecurity, really getting inside the head of character to project a voice that sounds true. Furthermore, you portray one who is well-to-do with a lot of shame and guilt, ironically the most grounded person in core family. This slow reveal to psychiatrist, as confession moves forward, providing this reader with empathy I can feel for him.

What I can’t comprehend is his status, lifestyle exhibited. The fact that he is grounded in hard work, background of being raised poor, by a single parent with no siblings, he might have been entitled if not for a lack of a mother, having a stern father who taught work ethic.

You’ve developed a very sound and logical character, ironically struggling despite status and wealth, with a mess he feels responsible for. And yet, the breadwinner provides Band-Aids for not being there with family. And it does not sound like the oldest son or wife are likable. The son having a chance by story end to get dad‘s perspective of early life, going back to childhood haunts. This is a great idea for sharing and connecting with a child. And I think his big mistake is thinking his wife could take care of things on the home front, buying his kids, and wife, supplying them because of his job demands.

Here, further we get into first person protagonist confessional, more details emerge that fully conceive something that seems to be building toward outcome, or setting reader up in anticipation of where this is all headed, somewhat like foreboding. And, by the end of session, he has revealed some things about the important people in his life that are already changing, finding a connection to both son and spouse, where she sweetly crawls into bed with him. To me, her likely need to apologize and show that she forgets he is good man, maybe lost in her own delusion -- also could use a psychiatrist, couples therapy, healthy for the two characters.

The steps he’s already made can mend relationship, new start given, as he seeks answers to apply to depicted situation. All very believable, intricate in storytelling, and very relatable for me as reader to immerse in this story that gave satisfaction by end. Happy to read and wish I could’ve given more time in review, if I had not been knocked off internet during this 'read and review' that limits me on amount of time to react. Normally I would outline notes, takeaways, and then draft supporting thoughts using each notion as topic sentences for composed paragraphs. Now, just talk to text with iPad after laptop crapped its pants.

I copied and saved everything before laptop issue, present below what I had been working on. Sorry that it’s not fully developed, but attempt to tie up loose ends. Have to be somewhere, now late, thought I’d be out of the house. Here’s what I had:

Picking up after opening comments above...then, this hits me: “What fatherly instinct is left in me? How the hell do I look at him and say the words my dad said to me many times? Grow up and become a man! Work, work, work till your goddamn hands bleed, and then you’ll understand the true value of money!”

This alone, the epicenter, strikes me with an arrow and so many ways. Psychologically, comes from a generational perspective that could come right out of television drama, mirroring real life. Maybe, confessions you have come across patients with similar stories, time allowed to fully share. Shows observance on the part of writer to cull these male perspectives that zero in on what is happening to this generation, parents who cannot govern their kids anymore...not even because they’re too busy.

I have so much to say on this subject, because it is more difficult to discuss with kids that need a father‘s attention, and tough love, discipline -- guarded in society today. Sometimes, it’s a fractured parent unit that each apply rules without council of the other, and this is not knowing what’s going on because dad‘s are left out of the loop. Even as a kid, my mom sheltered me from an abrasive dad who worked up to four jobs, creating a similar scenario. Mine, with a limited education like, could still apply wisdom that I utter to myself, like, “think about what you’re going to say, before you say it,” without admonishing me. So, surprising how difficult this generation can't find a way to communicate, some walls formed, made much thicker and denser to penetrate with today’s social peril of words or subjects who cannot say or approach, creating further division within.

The character portrayal of yours, with his wealth, unable to discipline as absent parent is sound. But also, the options to discipline with tough love are a further reach. The character might have wealth, but lacks a little intellect to ration or reason a way to intervene, until clarity. But, right in that depicted moment observing son, defeat. It hits me, because I am on the outside, looking in at two adult kids who were my best friends as kids, a father of the year every year until they didn’t need me, fun dad, always accessible.

Your character and my father and these stories are not so different on this front you’ve depicted with such detail, insight, understanding the first person dialogue that seems well considered. Whether researched or possibly experienced, you might be a great listener, knowing your occupation, and apply a wonderful tool to aid, as with your patients. No doubt, your profession is a great resource for stories. I can attest as my wife works with surgeons as a tech and has some very insightful information and colorful stories of personalities and incidents and accidents that have entertained over the years. Could be borne out of your own experiences in that environment, up to and including doctors, who are human, will confess these types of personal insights.

Your story all the more impressed, with my entire existence on this website in your company, likely why I feel safe sharing in this review. I will sum up since I am running out of time and patience with a fickle internet and disappointing laptop, thankful that I have an iPad, with talk to text. I apologize if review sounds confusing, as it is rambling because of struggle. I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge your writing. And, tie thoughts to group affiliation...(attempting the obtuse) something going on at my reviewing group since departure of a great inspiration there. Not being acknowledged for reviews since end of last month; it happened before, despite pointing out to a group leader, was never addressed then, let lapse without reason.

Sad when Eyestar passed on, recruited me to review, fueled a new romance to review again, level up, and that flowed back over to Angel Army. I get overzealous, hungry to feel a part of a safe environment, inspired by mere acknowledgment of crafted words continually noticed by writers and groups. Never disappointed with AA, you, Webbie, others in group. Thank you.

The hassle of the internet has made this a messy review. I am glad to go back over it. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story that goes to the heart of my own character, personal issues that relate, knowing it’s a sad reality in society today to have these rifts, communication between generations further breaking down. Our children need parental influences, sense of family, loyalty, history to form future bonds. I’m saddened that I’ve lost two good friends, replaced by indifferent adults, know spouse operates without my consult, leaves me in dark, possibly giving them the impression I don’t care. While available, it intimidates me into silence, knowing my words go unobserved.

Your story supplies thoughts of a PC world today, where words are redacted from baby boomer vernacular, sadly represents how little information my offspring are willing to consider from me, public education, history, to open eyes, apply to real life. We could all be closer, share family heritage, relate stories.

A good vehicle, your story, and how I wish to express myself that connects all, limited by societal complacence and the gags of conformity. Hence, I write, newly diagnosed neruotypical (on spectrum with ADHD) and been on a learning curve lifelong, awkwardly with many cringe moments that feel like failures. To overcome these obstacles and be what others need, before self, has taken me to new levels of understanding on psychological levels where I shouldn't play. I could just crack open a beer, sit on a lawn chair, and stare at sky and greenery, but no retirement for me until every word and experience documented and written to make sense of all.

Thanks for relating a poignant, insightful, and psychologically depicted dialogue from a perspective that seems so far removed from your own. It intones so many revelations, I feel you’ve gotten inside a lot of heads with your patience and willingness to understand other human conditions, even if drafted from other fiction, or dialogue with doctors/PAs/nurses, describing home lives. Doesn’t matter. Great attention to detail.

Let's see how this goes, thank you,

Brian,
WDC SUPER POWER reviewer
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Review of Willowsong  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon,

I found this old poem while scrolling through the read and review pages and decide to give it a look-see. Since I'm on the clock, let's see how sharp I am tonight.

This poem uses interplay between imagination and elements of dreams to convey its message. The imagery gives me a sense of ethereal wonder, themes of longing, exploration, and an awareness, or plague, of deeper truths.

The poem’s structure and repetition hint at a dreamlike state. The narrator, and possibly protagonist, lays his head on a pillow, perhaps sleeps and dreams. The "solar winds" and the "sap rise within the willow" suggest a connection to nature and cosmos, as in dream imagery, a flight of imagination where the boundaries in of reality in this poem blur.

Your poem reflects a conscious engagement with existentialism and universal knowledge, maybe reflections that stem from deep contemplation or creative imagination. The willows metaphor has wisdom or insights about life, creation, and the knowledge that may disrupt happiness and future existence.

I could interpret the poem to come from perspectives borne out of both imagination and dreams. It feels between subconscious and waking thought, gets into profound themes with richly woven imagery and emotion. Your interplay of these elements invites one to ponder our knowledge, existence, and burdens that come with knowing.

I had to ask myself some questions to hopefully understand more fully this complex poem. Foremost, The 'He' in the poem presumably represents a contemplative one who possibly seeks understanding of the world and existence. Rather than first person, the way I go, it feels detached from poet who may have been the one heavy with burden. The separation from self would be understandable, as we often try to get as far away from difficult subjects as possible. It nearly romanticizes with this consciousness and the imagery applied to demonstrate to reader.

This character lies in bed and dreams of what the "solar winds" might carry —perhaps a longing for exploration, adventure, and mysteries of the universe? The solar winds can symbolize unseen forces that inspire creative imagination and reflection, encouraging these personified willows to reach distant places and experiences. Could just be a poem that came from a strange dream. What did you do or eat that day? *Bigsmile*

Given a voice, willows express desire to travel (which you do) and share knowledge. However, burdened by the realization of "Creation's tears" could be pain and suffering in these struggles that more ordinary may reference His difficulties that restrain one from moving forward with life. Thus, there is a juxtaposition between the desire to seek knowledge and the sorrow that one cannot access what is desired or sought.

What is good about this poem?
1 Imagery and Symbolism: The willow and solar winds create beautiful, uniquely visual pictures. With a little research -- willows symbolize flexibility, resilience, and deep roots, while solar winds are about ideas of freedom, movement, and the mysteries of the cosmos.

2 Themes of Exploration and Sorrow: Between the joy of discovery and the burden of knowledge its emotionally impactful, with a rich and thoughtful exploration of existentialism.

3 Structure and Repetition: The refrain structure emphasized a cyclical nature of thought and dreams, which delivered this burden, and enhanced the emotional depth of your poem.

4 Personification: By giving the willows human-like qualities, you effectively convey feelings of longing and sadness, creating this connect between nature and human experience.

5 Philosophical Reflection: The poem prompts me to more deeply consider an inexperienced understanding of my world, but the cost of knowledge, and the nature of existence as I know it personally.

I have no suggestions. This was a big reading assignment tonight. Your ability to weave complex themes into a lyrical and musical structure, how it blends nature and existential inquiry, was deep. Googled a bit to be sure I had a good idea of what this is, how to approach and peak to what I felt you conveyed.

A pleasure as always,

Brian
WDC Angel Army Reviewer
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Review of The Beach  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Happy Account Anniversary Winnie Kay Author Icon,

A poem worded so well with personification and great sensory experience, it reads smoothly and goes down easy. I'm delighted I stumbled into "The Beach" Open in new Window. while considering items from your portfolio for an anniversary review.

So well done, I'm not overwhelmed by an end rhyme scheme, while obvious at work, it instead offers so much rich content and scene depiction to overwhelm, stimulate. The perspective shared from narrator to reader is superbly orchestrated. This poem has a wonderful voice and is a great guide to showing how to experience a beach and with such a lovely guide.

I decided to break apart the poem to focus on each section with my takeaways as I saw them reading and rereading, even from bottom to top.

Winds weave clouds’ design;
waves kiss the sandy shore.
Wonders so divine
the soul cannot ignore.

Good hook. It gave me pause. It takes wonderment and some imagination to consider clouds' formation, whether low or high. And of course, we consider these shapes with the mind's eye to envision what might be represented.

When waves kiss the sandy shore, personification takes hold, in the mind of the poet who offers that nature is not something you can ignore. It's beauty and majesty, both far and near, you offer evident truth here and something on a deeper level yet to play with the reader's consideration.

Waves kiss the sandy shore,
endlessly churning,
then pulled to sea once more,
forever yearning.

Personification at work, you also show through the stanza and ebb and tide read with the long and short lines syncing up, showing you put thought and care into delivery as much as possible through poetic devices to connect a reader to text. Unfamiliar with the form, I note the exchange of lines from verse to verse, which complements subject and theme. This repetition of ‘kiss’ can feel like a step back reconsideration of moment, to pause, maybe redirect.

Wonders so divine,
as far as sight can reach—
winds and waves entwine,
breaching beyond the beach.

Third stanza, here’s the moment, the arrival to note wind and waves arriving, as if an exhilarating moment. Know to visit a beach or two, consider this moment with further thought about imagery through expression. It's about how our subconscious might be knowing if we steep ourselves there to immerse oneself, listen and feel the experience. It is enchanting.

And, when waves and wind entwine, a very suggestive word that is evocative, it allows me to see their union personified like romance, and breaching that beach together. There is harmony at work in this verse and the poem as a whole. There is a thorough connection to the beach and nature. A reader might feel so overwhelmed, they might have an experience from memory from this clearly depicted emotional and natural scene. My fan is blowing right now and it seems to be playing a bit on me the thought that it too sounds like both the wind and waves, as it directs air to and away from me.

I’m reminded how air intake on a lovely beach outing seems greater, the smell of the air, the slight annoyance of seagulls, and smothered conversations of other beachgoers because of these nature walls isolating. This scene plays to us solely as we share in the joy of the poet narrator.

The soul cannot ignore
the powerful peace
of surfs' deafening roar
and ebbs’ soft release.

Beautifully phrased ending with the imagery and the sensory of sound with waves arrival and departure. Here a reader is presented with more evidence of patterned sound, not only water, but sound of those waves arrival and departure sucks the air right out of scene. This staccato has a hypnotic effect and is well represented in this poem as a device to capture one such as myself.

I'm very glad the community recognized this poem twice with worthy awards. Certain fodder for a poetry publication. It was a pleasure to read and consider this for feedback for one hacking away at a keyboard tonight in dim light. I hope this is readable enough. Ready for bed now.

Brian

WDC Anniversary
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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I found this poem to employ the intellectual with message and employed language. I was drawn by the title, 'A Voice In The Wind'. It gave me pause -- which direction poem could take. As a breeze, there is direction. Also, wind is a firmer word, not like gale force, but has power...to carry or to quash a voice. I've not known a voice to be carried on the wind like a scent. The description line did not add anything but what was assumed, a 'human voice'.

What could help a reader of lesser ability to wrap their minds around this read -- break those lines in two and create four line stanzas, especially with free verse. You introduce well in each stanza, with your meted words. If a reader can pause, take a breath, and consider -- it allows their minds with developing thought, reading between these moments moving forward.

"Summits, valleys, pulsing rhythms, the magical whisper of life is on the wind."

I have to stop after the first line because there is so much to consider. I'm visualizing a sound wave, more like a wavy line that goes to that summit and is sent to valley. After rhythms, there should be caesura. This is a beautiful place to take a breath and consider the next words 'the magical whisper of life' and it is upon the wind.

It's fantastic that you've introduced theme and subject and created great imagery and anticipation for a poem that is engaging, just in one sentence. If I were to write a line like this, I'd break it in half. Words drive this message, especially specific nouns, the depicted concrete imagery paired with the spiritual awakening.

Pacing can help this poem just a bit. Some readers don't know to pause, despite commas and other punctuation demonstrated. The power of the vision in the first part, coupled with the magic in the second part, work together seamless and yet apart, and each fragment needs its own billboard entrance into the poem.

Another note. It could be the end of the poem. None will question. This is a sweet sentiment, speaks to beauty and life and carries wonderfully as visual. It can act on its own and also lend to the opening of whatever a poet might want to follow, and like wind, go in any direction. Sort of like a Discovery tv series. Even with a serialized documentary, narration utters this phrase in introduction to each show, exploring yet another exciting area of life in a magical nature setting.

"Wafting, screaming, shaping silhouettes, its serene touch moves the world unceasingly."

This line didn't describe as well as a follow up. Between 'wafting' and 'screaming' I wondered where this line and the rest of the poem takes me. I have the Swiss Alps as imaginary local, but if the wind is wafting and screaming, I'd reconsider and look at what meteorology suggests as wind movement to give it more credence. I loved 'shaping silhouettes' as an expression that suggests it moves the environment, like trees of the night. I don't mind 'serene' so much as a beautiful word. I prefer the tangible, but it works.

"Crashing seas bring forth new changes, mysterious and deadly."

I think tying this to wind and its voice, with effect to change, might help here. Usually, I associate crashing waves with tides, but storms' winds send force with it, adding a new element to message. I think this line loses connection with theme and could use a little further consideration.

"A new age arises stretching to the sun."

Nice foreboding, it gives a reader something to expect, anticipate, consider upon new arrival.

"A challenge grows in the wind, seeds drop and life begins." (upon the wind, to show seed carried)

This wind is a carrier of life. It's a challenge because of the wayward nature of wind and how seeds travel. I also feel taking liberties with 'grows in the wind' as expression works nicely. It gives a reader something to chew on, as if fact checking an article. Does it work that way? And make argument for it: The 'challenge' is in the wind, wind nothing but messenger, delivery service for these seeds across land.

We come to the middle of the poem and have arrived at hope of new life. There might be some balance at work, also, in this message.

"Strengthening, the wind turns into a raging river until one voice is heard, the voice of man."

This was a stretch for me. I knew from title and subtitle man's influence would come. But, he hasn't been a part of the metaphor yet. The verb 'turns' is operative but not poetic. It's an opportunity to clarify expression because wind molecularly cannot change into water without a lot of remarkable element to lend assistance. You could try 'wind like a raging river', though it seems to be corrupted by the man element at this point.

"The thunderous voice strives to change the present, shape the future, and preserve it.
Majestic unmovable mountains wane.
Bowing to the voice they shudder and shake, finally crumbling to dust."

This stanza makes me think of Greek gods. It also reminds of politicians. I'm somewhere in between. If metaphoric, I can't decide why mountains crumble to dust. Our planet was struck by a large asteroid or comet once. Man didn't come for some time after, evolving from apes. Now I'm being too literal.

"Seas vast, deep, and mysterious are traversed, used by the voice, and tamed."

Could it be 'tamed by the voice', instead here, as it seemed an awkward placement as modifier, or as the modified?

"The land, broken and altered by man’s mind, submits to the revolution.
A new eon has begun."

That's a lot to chew on. Ending as statement gives pause. A lot of narration, without the previous imagery woven in quite so well. I did not see a parallel to man and wind, or consistent. Man just jumped in and took over, or became wind. I couldn't conceive of making a case for going in this direction. The language is powerful and commands. It does show change, as structured with the seed, delivery system and the arrival of man.

It's a lot to consider and I thank you for the journey. My attempt here is to react, lend thoughts and hope that it might be enough. To interpret or suggest changes is not something I'm equipped to do here. I just know that a lot of energy and inspiration aspired to lend these words to my lighted screen. I thank you for sharing this.

Brian

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon



Among the genres, you could also include 'fantasy' with some of the elements introduced from 'magical' to my assumption of mythological voices.


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Review of The Road of Life  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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I tumbled into your port and came across this poem and couldn't let it go. I enjoyed the construct visually of "The Road of Life" Open in new Window. that almost looks like a twister/tornado, if that was intended as sort of shape poem (and my intone last word "Dusty"). The structure cleverly enhances the poem's theme. What you’ve offered here illustratres the overwhelming complexity, and urgency of life decisions at college.

Looking over the poem's format: fragmented, irregular lines with varied spacing and indentation mirrors a chaotic and disorienting nature, navigating challenges and choices in a new environment. And, coming straight from the nest, not so easy at outset, alone.

The way the structure appears, tight lines add to theme with a scattered, hurried pace of that current/former student who faced that test. The fragmented presentation of words and phrases, such as “many play…few understand“ and “thousands…of roadways,“ creates disarray, as I read it, with the uncertainty.

This visual form represents the confusion and difficulty in choosing a path as (with back-and-forth jagged lines with hurried thoughts) amid the anxious moments. The abrupt shifts from lines like “choose…decide" to “hurry…no time” emphasize the pressure, urgency to not err, figure it out, like those dreams where we feel naked and unprepared. From high school to this, overwhelming for some with life-defining decisions and potential consequences.

It’s almost funny to think how uptight and serious a young one is in order to keep head above water. And, always wonder, jealous of those people who can casually find their way about? For me, the experience with undiagnosed ADHD and on the spectrum, or neurodivergent brings some haunts of those memories.

Furthermore, the irregular spacing in invitation can be seen as a metaphor for the unpredictability and lack of clear direction in life. For example, the poems final line, “Dusty…“ Placed alone and at the end. Seems that of resignation, or maybe, the idea of being left behind after making choices. Your solitary ending offers something to symbolize feelings of isolation that comes with making difficult choices, and while playing a game as you describe, that one may not have fully conceived the rules about. Something I am very familiar with in scenarios where you cannot possibly know everything, as if is kept from you so that you might learn something?

Difficulty to navigate life paths, the chaotic nature, seem driven by fear of unknown, outcomes. It reminds making an acquaintance or having a senior to show freshman the ropes is a missing component.

Poetic devices, I note, effectively convey theme. The use of enjambment, obviously where it’s a downward spiraling read, since word driven in those quick moments, until those plateaus where we quick, consider like a mind with ADHD in fact, quick decisions, turnabouts that sort of twist the read back-and-forth.

There are parts where thoughts, flow beyond individual lines, giving it a continuous, almost breathless quality. It’s a rapid, overwhelmed narrative. Seems like self speak to negotiate oneself through this process. At the heart, “play the game/or/fall/behind" you use quick enjambment to underscore pressure to keep up or risk falling behind.

Repetition is another key device. The word road is implied in the structure, and the repetitive emphasis on choice (“choose…decide") and consequence (“Fall…behind") offer a recurring nature of a student's life with new challenges. This repetition reinforces the central theme of navigating numerous choices and how it is affecting our speaker.

Should appeal to current, former or upcoming college students who’ve can relate to your depiction of familiar experiences. College students like me often grappled with significant decisions without “mom and dad" who step back, or can’t be present.

The fragmented structure and smart use of language capture the essence of early college experiences, relatable, and colorful depiction to perhaps revive memories of old fears and anxiety, and not to mention frustrations.

What I know foremost is how structure helps telling narrative and theme, an urgent presentation. Through the diced up poem sections, a reader connects through fragmented form, enjambment, and repetition which altogether are very effective to put us there emotionally. Visually, or with sensory, a bit lacking. It could, quick hit a few scenes on campus where these jumbled thoughts purge from. Connecting narrator further using using time elements, assignments, navigating all aspects, physical and emotional, could deepen an already well expressed experience.

Constant pressure to make decisions, lends familiar reflection for anyone was faced the complexities of college campus life. It was a pleasure to read and consider your poem for feedback.


Brian
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and Super Power Reviewer
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