|"...you, and the construct of you, need to get closer to the fire and feel its heat in order to burn."
Dear Deb ,
I can appreciate this poem "No Matter" from the perspective of one who is aging and trying to capture something with writing that could fill that emptiness. It's a poem that struggled at the outset to intone is theme and message, though it seemed to try carefully and be considerate of subject.
Here are some suggestions for improvement. If this is to be about 'waxing poetic' or trying to get more about life in that way, the open setting has to change. If this person is writing at a bar, my head does not say at home. Though, some people do have this in their home and makes me immediately think of one who knows their way around mixed concoctions. Whatever is intended by that open, weave in the part about writing, framing this as an open letter to a reader.
The poem doesn't know yet what it wants to be, as it meanders about lonliness but then wanders into writing. I was looking for a connection and missed imagery and words that express over those that are telling. The narrator tips their mask a bit to reveal the poet in this way, writing in third person. It doesn't want to reveal the self. I have no issue with that, but as a reader, I wonder about that and how it reveals itself.
Line that tripped me up:
Does anyone wasn’t to talk to me?
I couldn't think of what happened there or how to fix, but thought I'd point it out. It looks like a poem that was in one of the phases of edits, affecting that moment.
How I relate to this message requires reworking some of the words to show how they could express to someone like me...
on a bar stool
in her tiny condo
she wonders why —
life ceases to exist
when you're alone
Cheap Moscato, she pours
another from a box,
as age comes for her,
she aches and mourns...
No matter what you write,
accomplish in this life,
You could suddenly be gone,
leave this earth...
So what do you write?
Who will read your work?
And then I'd add something about being incomplete amid this emptiness or loneliness. I definitely like connections of feelings to a bar, cheap wine. I would describe more, with words that evoke those feelings. You're half way there. I can see you are trying to get a handle on it, just like the 'character' in your poem that you narrate.
When I get like this, I am detached, too. It's normal. This is all relatable and I appreciate as a poet who would like to be at least acknowledged in this community. But, the other side of that coin is, they want your blood. They won't take you as the person on the face of it, but try to change you or respond to a message to project to the wider community.
Turns out, the turmoil and the fight for recognition is what drives the machine. And you, and the construct of you, need to get closer to the fire and feel its heat in order to burn. Even if you have to fly in the face of convention and what represses you as a person, writer, participant in this community, you have to shove back...hard...with words that best express.
Hopefully, this review will inspire you to keep going after a message and all the things that inform the words that you write. Read as much as you can and see what your calling can still be...fore your character...in this poem...and for many to come.
Image #1578663 over display limit. -?-
This was going to be an Angel Army review before that fire flared in my belly and it went much longer. Knowing I'm incentivized better by the Power Reviewers group, I affiliate there. Though, this review definitely does not fully fit with their ideology. Anything written here is opined by me, devised by one who choses not to fully yield to the collective philosophy of initiating new writers in community with messages of greeting flowing from affiliated reviewing houses. They are kind enough to indulge me.
Hopefully, I didn't go on too long or dissuade you in my efforts to give an honest and frank review about these feelings your poem has inspired for this reviewer and lifelong professional writer.