|This was a very compelling read in spite of the overdone themes and imagery that spark emotions in this well-structured and paced poem.
I had to read through twice to grasp that opening imagery, taking the strongest clue from the description line. The introduction in verse one would be lost on a reader without that cue and I wondered how to make that scene with imagery more accessible to the wondering mind prying to read your words.
Stains her hands.
This is very visual and just enough of a tease for the poems opening. I had thoughts whether progression should have revealed the expression of 'rain leaks' as the actual introduction. But, I think the act of cutting oneself would precede the tears. If already crying, the next action to cut seems more consequential. I like the idea of this act being a compulsive action that brings about the realization about the true pain of no love. The line break 'Ruby-colored liquid/Stains her hands' did interrupt the read a bit. I prefer an expression to finish rather than break in this situation, unless it is to get a natural pause, which I don't believe was required here.
Trickle down her arms.
In the first two lines and in the following two lines, I somehow felt compelled to think adding the word 'The' to start either sentence would seem natural, but only once. But, maybe not at all. It may be personal preference here.
Rain leaks from
Her stormy eyes.
This is very visual but an odd image when the work 'leaks' is used. Now why is that? Again, is it just me? There is a wealth of words that could come from an online search of a thesaurus to better frame that, to my mind.
Her voice escapes
From dead lips.
This is chilling, especially on re-read. Is she dead? My mind wanted to know that second time through. Is it final words? what are they? Though, as expressions might go, from somebody emotionally numb inside, except that there are tears. Where the tears from physical pain as she was dying? Not clear enough, but vague enough to tease a reader to want to know. We read on...
She gazes at
The setting sun
But that departing radiance
Does not look back.
Ah, good. Still alive. And, a very nice expression to imagine that we look upon the sun as if looking for a connection to it, to nature. While we may feel comforted by it, I get an eerie feeling of one who is realizing the sun does not know. There may be no one person, thing or spiritual entity that could know this suffering. It feels very alone.
She sings out
To the stars
But those distant beauties
Do not listen.
She reaches out to Heaven
And is overwhelmed
These lines present some challenges. These expressions are not as strong as the first, though they are easily understood. It doesn't reach deep enough to move a reader. We are looking to the stars and heavens for something, a sign, an acknowledgement? But 'do not listen' and feel 'overwhelmed by darkness.' This really intones the sadness.
These lines explain well, but seem robotic because of structure and pattern of language. The repeated 'her' and 'remain' within the narrative form are going for theatrics now. And while that is acceptable, the tone is overdone and needs a little finesse when showing. Could it read more like:
with a hand
I get the 'un' words and yet that are grammatically over the line, but do intone this pressing message of what we get...unloved...an actual 'un' word.
Her heart beats
But her soul bleeds.
The last line is your dismount. It gets like an eight out of 10 for me, but perhaps it could stick the landing a little better. Everyone's heart beats. It could 'beat on' as if she wishes it would stop. And while a soul bleeds is known by many, it is cliche. Beats and bleeds are not as closely related. We already had the bleeding from line one. Do we ignore that she might be bleeding out? Could it not be her soul we are concerned with at the end, but if she is willing enough to live?
Again, it detracts from the beginning of this poem. Is this all theatrics. A reader may wonder if the narrator is separating from self and fantasizing about dying, as if the mere drama of the agony like bleeding might bring one to rescue? Or, can we refocus that ending to say the soul does something other than bleeds? What is the soul's cost at this point?
Soul to me is equal to spirit. A spirit feels emotion. Though, the idea is to go for expression, the heart is not functioning expressively and the end but ironically functionally. So, the soul must ache, grieve, weep, die or what? That to me is the poser, then.
Well, it was fun to explore and consider this poem. It is not a direction reflection of the poet's depicted beliefs that I argue, but the way a poem states itself to be understood correctly by its audience. In helping you hone your aim at writing through these scenes, perhaps you'll find a better focus within the scope of what you have done well to craft here
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As a legally blind writer/reviewer, I hope you will find my grammar and spelling accurate as it is getting harder for me to edit these reviews. If it should provoke any concerns or questions that could be misunderstand, I would hope you would follow up and point out those passage to me for clarification.