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326
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Felix and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Tom and Alex's 'Wild' Adventure

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good use of the indent tag to separate main paragraphs. However, with the dialogue, you'll have to separate each character's speech into different lines, so it's not so confusing to the reader. I'll illustrate what I mean below.

*Note*Content: Two friends go to the woods to spend some time taking pictures of nature and all it has to offer. However, on this one trip, they come face to face with a creature that's likely to have them for lunch. How do they hope to escape from this? And how does Alex view his relationship with Tom afterwards?

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* A relatively engaging opening sentence. I would have liked to see a much stronger opening, though.
*Check2* The pace of the story was good, with just enough details to keep the reader engaged in the plot/storyline.
*Check3* Besides your dialogue arrangement, it helped to show a little more about the characters' personalities. Nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>setting up the camera and focusing the cubs I (??) the viewfinder.
(Something seems to be missing there)

>>The cubs were too busy eating berries off a bush to notice them watching them.
(Notice that the underlined words help to make this sentence slightly confusing. Yes, one is expected to assume that the bears did not notice the humans, but this can be re-written to make the point more clear. The cubs were too busy eating berries to notice they were being watched. That's short and sweet and gets straight to the point as well.)

>>“Did you here(hear) that?” “Hear what?” Tom muttered, staring intently at the cubs.
(As mentioned above, you should separate dialogue into different lines especially if spoken by two different people. In other words:
"Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Tom muttered, staring intently at the cubs.
The same should be done for the rest of your story with such instances)

>>Alex was shaking but soon reposed(composed) himself.
(To 'repose' is to rest or be in a state of rest. I think in the context of your sentence, 'composed' would read better.)

>>“I think it’s best we get out of here while we’re still alive” Tom joked.
(Missing a comma after 'alive')

>>"...but that is why I need a friend like you to watch my back and stop me from doing something dumb.
(You're missing a closing quotation mark at the end of this)

>>This was a rather abrupt finish, and maybe I'm just a tad bit skeptical that they'd be so ready to forget their ordeals and ignore that they had no supplies to get through the rest of their trip. However, after Tom's speech, it might not be too far-fetched.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting story but with a little more editing, it's bound to become an even better read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hallo E E Coder !*Smile* I am a guest judge for
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#1115385 by Not Available.
and I will be reviewing your work Last Day

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The narrator of this tale finds himself with only a few hours left to live. Thanks to an unfortunate accident that occurred several months ago, he is now forced to face the same demise, in an almost ironic twist of fate.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt given.
*Check2* The opening was good and had me interested to know more about the characters and what they had to offer.
*Check3* I like the dialogue, and I felt that made it a bit more interesting, especially the woman's attitude towards the whole situation. She took it a bit too calmly - almost eerie if you ask me.
*Check4* Besides the hiccup with the tenses (pointed out below) I thought the flow and pace of the story was good.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“Glenda was my granddaughter Mr. James.” she regarded me gravely
('She' should be capitalized)

>>Have (a) real old fashioned orgy?

>>You suddenly switch tenses in the latter part of your story. I got the idea that you were going to use the past tense since you began that way - the narrator seems to be retelling something that did happen to him - but the sudden switch to present voice is a bit jarring to the reader.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting story, and one that should have readers thinking a little bit more about how they spend their final moments or life in general. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


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Review of The Lost Child  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Ski -ster !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Lost Child

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The true life story of a young man who is forced to part ways with a child over and over again, due to situations beyond his control. This story explores the difficult and yet loving relationship father and daughter share and how it has affected them over the years.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>"Come on Michelle, it's time to go." I yelled
(Change the period to a comma. "Come on Michelle, it's time to go," I yelled.)

>>"I want to keep playing." Was her response.
(Same as above. Change the period to a comma: "I want to keep playing," was her response.)

>>"So innocent." My inner voice screams,
(Same as above. "So innocent," my inner voice screams. See the pattern here? Always end a dialogue with a comma especially if it's followed by phrases that directly affect the words spoken.)

>>She would say Hi Kevin.
(Re-write this to: She would say, 'Hi, Kevin'.)

>>Her mother and step father would not allow her to call me dad.
(I think 'stepfather' is usually one word. And you should place 'dad' within quotation marks since you're speaking of a title you're being called. In other words: Her mother and stepfather would not allow her to call me 'Dad'.)

>>I would spend six and tree(three) quarter days

>>she was lost.I want to rush up to her
(There should be a space between the two sentences)

>>A strong finish, but I think it would be more effective if you put 'Dad' in a separate line at the end of the story, so it seems like you're signing off.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

While reading this, I could feel your pain (this is a true story I assume), and it definitely got me teary eyed half-way through. It's a tough situation for any parent that really loves their child to experience, and one can only imagine what that was like. Thanks for sharing this wonderful tale of love, growth and understanding. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1123007 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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329
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo BikeGuy rode 675km in July and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Rowing Team Accident

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good use of the indent tag to separate main paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: What a tragic tale. The narrator gives a brief account of an incident that happened several years ago while on a trip with some friends. The idea that life can be snuffed out in the blink of an eye is illustrated in this story.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>gas station in Stockton, CA,
(For those of us in the United States, we are well aware of what 'CA' means. However, you might have some international readers who might not be aware of what the abbreviation means. You might want to either write it out in full, or leave a footnote at the end of the story, showing the full meanings of each abbreviation used)

>>As we passed the scene (,) all three of us said to each other(,) "Oh my God, that(')s the women at the gas station!!"
(Or better yet: As we passed the scene, all three of us said to each other, "Oh, my God! Those were the women at the gas station!!")

>>I'd only had my driver(')s license for a month

>>around 8pm on a Sunday
>>Los Angeles (around 2AM)
(Writing the time - you should be more consistent with that. Either you are capitalizing AM or PM, or not)

>>I drove like (a) saint.

>>It was the Univ. of CA San Diego women(')s rowing team.

>>The CHP extimates(estimates) they

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This might have been short, but it was just enough to convey the grave situation and the tragedy that occured. Just a little more polishing, should make this story an even better read. Thanks so much for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1123007 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Review of Plateau  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo LostWalker89 and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Plateau

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good use of the indent tag to separate main paragraphs, making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Well, this was quite the depressing story, and could be a metaphor for life itself. The narrator finds himself on a plateau in search of an elusive answer to a question that plagues many of us. He's become a recluse, refusing to communicate with friends and family until he finds the solution to his problem. But how can he achieve this when he also seems quite willing to give it all away?

I like the questions that do come up while reading this. Although it's a short 'story', it does bring up the idea of seeking answers to situations in life that might bother us. So, perhaps I wouldn't go that far (like your narrator), but it's still food for thought.

The flow of the story is good, your command of the language - simple but well-written. Thanks for sharing the story with us and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Sitting on a Cornflake and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Anticlimatic Tale of Super Bunny

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Try to place a single break between main paragraphs and dialogue so that the story is more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is the tale of Aigomoiras, a part time security guard and executioner, whose job is one of striking fear in the hearts of those who dare try to cross the Bridge of Death. Unfortunately, the day arrives when he is confronted with none other than a fluffy bunny. What awaits our 'hero' who is determined to win the day?

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Okay, you definitely had me laughing while reading this. The situation is absurd, the characters hilarious, and it was quite well-written and clever.
*Check2* You have a good command of the language and the flow of the story was good, leaving no real awkward sections that had me wondering what in the world you meant.
*Check3* You had a good opening, which is bound to make readers want to know more about the characters and the way it was concluded was also well done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

Just one typo was noticed:

>>First, he would decapitate them, and then placed(place) various

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a funny and interesting piece. Simply work on the formatting and I have no doubt that readers will enjoy your effort. Keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo frog and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Tears of Crimson

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – The formatting of this story is a bit uneven especially in the top section of your story. You indent some places and don't in others. You might want to either indent all main paragraphs and dialogue or simply place a line break between them so the story looks more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Crimson is a young woman at her wits end, after realizing that her boyfriend of five years has been unfaithful to her...again. Can she finally take that step to push him out of her life? And will Preston finally be able to appreciate just how good Crimson has been to him?

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* A relatively good opening, one that should have the reader curious to know more about the young woman and what causes her to have such a weary disposition about her situation.
*Check2* The characters are well established for a short story and the reader is able to identify with their problems. Through dialogue, more of the story is revealed and we get to have an idea of their personalities and what makes them stand out.
*Check3* Not much attention was given to the settings, but it was enough to give the reader an idea of the surroundings and leave an idea of what scenarios these characters find themselves in.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Why had she even gave(given) him a second chance?

>>her pet ball python, fell off of(or you could say 'fell from') the artificial tree

>>Breathe, Crimson. Calm down. She told herself.
(Change the period after 'down' to a comma and continue with 'she' not capitalized)

>>No! She could not do that to herself, not again. You have tried for happiness for far too long. It’s almost over.
(The sudden transition to the first person voice was not expected. You can choose to italicize that section so the reader knows that it's part of her thoughts)

>>I can only assume that is what you are referring to.” Preston replied
(Change the period after 'to' to a comma)

>>Is this his punishment for using her?
(I would change this to Was this his punishment for using her? since you've been using the past tense all this time)

>>you don’t spend five years with some one
('someone' should be one word)

>>The rain began to fall all around in a striking passion.
(I've got to say that this line seemed a bit too 'dramatic' for me. Sometimes writers tend to use unnecessary words to heighten the setting or situation for the reader, but ends up not really making much sense when read again. Perhaps you can try writing this as: Like cats and dogs, the rain pelted mercilessly around them. or even a simple The rain fell with such intensity)

>>And quite the melodramatic finish. It almost reminds me of watching a music video and I swear I heard music playing in the background while reading it. *Smile*

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting short story, but with a little more polishing, I have no doubt it will be a great read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1123007 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Review of worry  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hallo CrazyGal380 and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Worry

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A short but poignant piece, a direct question to a mother who might be diagnosed with cancer again. The poet's heartbreak and sorrow is felt while reading and although simple, the message is one that will resonate with family members who have to go through the same thing.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> I noticed you had no rating for this piece. I'd suggest going with the 'E' rating since everyone can read this. Same with your intro rating. If you're not sure of how to edit this, look at the top part of your story and on the black menu bar, you'll see the option for 'Edit'. Click on that and work on all the corrections you need to.

>>You might want to capitalize the i in your poem, even if you don't do the same for the first word of each line. It can be a bit distracting to the reader.

>>i hope your(you're) not sick again
>>if you are (,) i'll cry

>>I will admit that the last two lines - in terms of rhythm - do throw it off considering the other stanzas are four lines long, but it can also be effective.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a rather touching piece and I wish you and your family, especially your mother, the best. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Vibha !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Apple of My Eye

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A young woman is head over heels in love, and yet self-doubt and worry fill her mind as she wonders if this love of hers will be reciprocated.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“Of course, he loves you.” My sister assures me.
(There are two things to fix up in this sentence. One is to delete the comma after 'course' and to change the period after 'you' to a comma. In other words you will have: "Of course he loves you," my sister assures me.)

>>“I am sure he does. How can he not know you?” smiles my sister.
(The underlined section seems to imply that the sister 'smiled' the words...which as you can tell doesn't quite make any sense. You can choose to re-write this as: "I am sure he does. How can he not know you?" my sister said, smiling. or "I am sure he does. How can he not know?" My sister smiled. Either is fine)

>>but I fell head-over-heals(heels) in love with him.

>>do not even notice around us. And that is something that adds to his charm
(Instead of starting that sentence with 'And' you can simply start it with 'That is...')

>>“Do you think he misses me when I am not with him?”
>>“I am sure he does not even notice that I am not around.”
(Another thing I've noticed is the use of 'I am' a lot in your dialogue. It's too formal and becomes a bit 'tedious' while reading. Try to imagine people actually speaking (especially friends) to one another and you'll notice that the contraction I'm is commonly used. Try to mix it up in the story.)

>>He has absolutely no pretenses, what-so-ever.
(Delete comma in that sentence)

>>Still can't get over the most adorable ending! *Bigsmile*

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an enjoyable and heartwarming story. It definitely brought a smile to my face, and I'm sure that readers will be taken by the pleasant surprise as well. Thanks so much for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Review of ReGenerations  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello mayabridges !

Reading your summary, I was braced for something raw and edgy and something that would manage to capture all that you've been through. I think you did a good job in regards to that. The 'choppy' like sentences, seem to reveal the broken nature of the relationship, and yet you manage to triumph over the hardships that come your way.

My only suggestion would be to make more use of punctuation in the poem, that way the reader has a sense of when to 'pause' or stop, in fact, to establish some sort of flow while reading.

Take for instance the first stanza:

I am infinite possibility on a trip through humanity
Nurturing Challenging Challenged

Perhaps you could re-write this to:

I am infinite possibility on a trip through humanity.
Nurturing. Challenging. Challenged.

I think the effect is still there and only heightened by the use of the periods between each word.

I like the way you ended the poem with self-affirmation. What a positive outlook and an inspiration to everyone.

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hallo Buick_McKane and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Passenger Manifest

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – I'm guessing you copied and pasted directly from whatever word document/program you use onto the WDC page, since the format of this story looks quite uneven and sloppy. I'd suggest going back to your edit page (there's a link to that on the black menu bar above your story itself) and try to fix things up, so it looks a bit more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: From what I gathered, this is supposed to be a story about a woman experiencing some rather weird and bizarre events while on a plane ride to Detroit. I must confess I was unable to get through the entire thing as the plot seemed shaky, and all it seemed to me were a series of thoughts simply thrown together with no real coherency.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet*Get to know your Writing ML
>>On this site, we do not use the regular < > tags. Instead the tags { } replace it. To learn more about Writing ML, go to 'Site Navigation' at the top left hand corner of your screen. Go to 'Site Tools' and select the 'Writing ML Help' option. A popup menu will appear and you should be able to see all the different tags that can help to enhance your story.

*Bullet*Punctuation. Punctuation. Punctuation.
>>I confess I cringed when I saw all the i and italian and miss Deivers and sentences that all begin with small caps, or places that need question marks, periods or commas, and they simply weren't there. Not only is this distracting and makes it seem like you're a lazy writer not willing to edit or proofread your work, it is bound to turn off potential readers to your story.

>>One thing I did enjoy was your command of the language. There were some lines that were quite clever and rich with imagery. Take for instance:
So many people... families... couples.. a virtual fruit salad of mixed demographics.
Although the ellipses inconsistency threw me off in that line. It must always be three dots (...), in fact, I think it would have been better to use a comma instead. But you did have lines like that here and there that show flashes of brilliance. However, all that gets lost within the errors. *Frown*

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

You have a good idea here, or rather the basic premise of the story is an interesting one. However, with a little more work on those basic errors pointed out above, I have no doubt readers will enjoy a little bit more of what you have to say. Feel free to email me with any questions you might have or if you need any extra help. I'll be glad to look through and re-rate this again.

Keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1123007 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Review of You linger  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo moon-baby and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work You Linger

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a loving tribute to a father who still remains vividly in the poet's mind even though the years have gone by.

I got a sense of suffering that the father must have gone through in his final moments, and you have managed to convey that emotion quite well with your word choice. The imagery is vivid, and the overall flow of the piece is good. This was nicely written.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks so much for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Review of Trunk  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Trunk on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Don't worry this is the last review of the night and then I can stop spamming your inbox! *Laugh* And what a way to finish with a wonderful history lesson in the form of treasures in a trunk. Passed down from generation to generation, you do a good job pointing out the different things that make that trunk so special. We are not only taken into the lives of what must have happened in the past, but you show us the heart-wrenching scenarios that the slaves must have gone through while you visited that tiny room. Powerful stuff.

You managed to keep everything in rhyme which made for a good and effortless flow while reading.

*Note*Suggestions:

Only one typo was noticed:

>>5th Stanza, Line 3
>>She unlocked the door and push(ed) it wide,

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a well-written piece and a memento to family and friendship that will last for many more generations to come. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review of Asleep  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Asleep on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format –Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Ah, this was quite clever! You began each line of each stanza with the same letters - what's the style called again? - and manage to write a poem that should leave the reader contemplative about the significance of war and those who lost their lives to grant the freedom we have today. I have to wonder though...were you referring to WWII when you wrote this?

All in all, it was definitely an interesting piece and I thank you for sharing. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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Review of Devotion to Duty  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Devotion to Duty on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – I'm not sure if this is a poem or prose, so I'll settle for the latter. I like the format used. It makes it more poignant.

*Note*Content: The final moments of a reporter during war is chronicled in this piece. The frenzied and chaotic moments, where tough decisions have to made between life and death can be seen through the eyes of a young female soldier. It's tough to read this, especially knowing that such things must have happen on a daily basis. What do these young men and women think before their final breath? What must their loved ones be going through?

Thanks for sharing this rather touching and thought-provoking piece. It was very well-written. *Smile*


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Review of Storm-story  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Storm-Story on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Moving to a new town where tornadoes and thunderstorms are almost a given, the narrator is a bit surprised at the decision to live there, considering how much he or she detests such things. One experience however, and seeing a town come together in crises, changes his/her mind quite quickly.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* I thought this was a bit funny, especially the narrator's almost wry observations of the situation around him/her.
*Check2* The description of the storm's effects was well done and the reader is able to get a sense of just how destructive it had been.
*Check3* I thought the ending was okay, although I wouldn't still want to live in such a place with all the danger. *lol*

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I hate storms *Cut* I really am not comfortable
(Separate into two sentences.)

>>I’d(I've) been invited for dinner

>>She’s in my writing group and we share a love of Bichon’s(Bichons)

>>Life happens (,) she said.

>>There were lot of choppy sentences that could be joined to make for a much smoother read. Try to avoid starting many sentences with 'And'. Instead, combine them with the previous sentence, simply separating them with a comma.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting and entertaining piece and I thank you for sharing. Keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review of Special Delivery  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Special Delivery on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Hmmm, so I'm curious now...is this person a ghost? I had to read the story all over again to see if I was missing something, because that last paragraph was definitely a moment of me scratching my head a little. I don't want to give too much away, so please let me know or it's going to keep eating at me all night...I think. *Laugh*

All the same, this was a very interesting story, and I like the 'desolate' atmosphere you've created with this piece. The setting is one that should be beautiful and soothing, and yet there's an undercurrent of the unknown and the reader not sure of what to expect.

*Note*Suggestions:

Only one typo was noticed:

>>as children and tourists often threw bottles in out at the Point

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a well-written piece and an enjoyable read. Thanks so much for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work The Last Word, Afterall on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Maggie is known for being stubborn, and it this stubborn attitude that has gotten her through the years. As she wanders into the attic, she recollects memories of the past and how much they meant to her in ways that her children and grandchildren would never truly understand.

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* Good opening paragraph making the reader want to know more about this character and what story she has to tell.
*Check2* The imagery in this piece is excellent, and I can see why it won the first place in the contest. You paint a vivid scene, breathing life into every object and situation with color. Through color, important parts of Maggie's life are told.
*Check3* The rhythm and flow of the story was good and did not feel too rushed. The character is rich and one is able to appreciate what she has gone through.
*Check4* The end was quite appropriate and I thought very well done. I also noticed no grammar or spelling errors, so kudos!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Congratulations again on the win and keep on writing! *Smile*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work My Year Round Valentine on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Ah, the joy of Valentine's Day and searching for the perfect gift for the one you love. But then again, why most one have a special day to tell that person that you love him or her? This piece attempts to show the reader just how loving a couple's relationship is, where one day is simply not enough.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* I take it this is a true story? I like the informal tone you've taken in some places, and how you draw the reader into the life you and your significant other have.
*Check2* You bring up some good points in regards to the season and not having to use only one day to show the person you love that you actually care. Love is a 24/7/365 activity between a couple. Having Valentine's Day I think is just a way to acknowledge that partnership.
*Check3* The flow of the story was good and fast paced, without bogging the reader with too much details or information that's not needed.
*Check4* I also like the way you ended this piece. Nice and sweet.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“I’m fine.” I answer and go
(Change the period to a comma)

>>For some reason, out of the (old clichéd phrase alert) goodness of my heart my(I?) set my cell phone and get up

>>and in the grand scheme of things, is such a very little kind thing to so.(do)

>>which we parted amicably and went about of(our) separate lives

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a heartwarming and touching story and I sincerely wish you and him all the best! Keep on writing. *Smile*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Of Roses and Daffodils on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: During spring, Rose finds herself reminiscing on days spent with her husband especially his final days. The memories are both happy and sad, but they bring to mind the differences between roses and daffodils and what makes them so special.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You have a good opening which makes the reader eager to know more.
*Check2* For such a short story, you've managed to create characters that readers can identify with. We get to feel the joy and sorrow this couple faces.
*Check3* Dialogue, where used, was well-written and fit the characters and their personalities.
*Check4* It was a sad but fitting ending to this lovely piece.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>It was senior citizens day around
(I'd probably capitalize 'Senior Citizens Day' since it's a holiday/name of an event)

>>“I guess maybe I’d still love you if your name was Daffy, but I’ll always love my beautiful Rose. Life’s a circle, my love. We always come back around.
(Missing a quotation mark at the end of this)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a heartwarming and touching story and I thank you for sharing. Keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review of The Broken Goose  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work The Broken Goose on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format –Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content:

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Good opening paragraph that's attention-grabbing and should have the reader curious to know more about the events in the story.
*Check2* I like the descriptions of both Angel and her surroundings. I had a very good mental image of what she looked like and where she lived...almost made me envious actually *lol*
*Check3* I must confess that the switch from present to flashbacks confused me at first, but it was a nice look into Angel's past and what helped to make her what she is today. The history of the geese was quite funny and cute.
*Check4* Dialogue between mother and daughter was nicely written and I thought it was a wonderful way to break the news to Angel. You have created characters that the reader can identify with.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>She stood back and just looked at it hanging there, still swinging a bit from the action of hanging it.
(I don't think you need that phrase there considering that the word 'hanging' has already been used in the sentence. The reader is already aware of what she's looking at, so repeating it sounds quite redundant.)

>>But every spring and fall, the geese would arrive or depart, hundreds, sometimes thousands of geese.(them)
(Again with repitition. You want to be wary of that in your story)

>>She grew up with the dreams only a princess can(could) have.

>>Over the years, her voice, coming to mean food, those same two head would pop up and the same two geese would quickly swim over for the food they knew she’d have.
(I understand what you're trying to say here, but perhaps you can try rephrasing this, so it's not so confusing: Over the years, her voice which came to mean food, would cause those two heads to pop up and the geese quickly swim over for the food they knew she'd have.)

>>a life time commitments.
(This could be a lifetime of commitments or a life time commitment Either one is fine)

>>Poppa Geese, his wing healed and strengthen(ed) by exercise over the summer, flying point, Momma at his left as they flew south.
(Not quite sure what the underlined section means)

>>“Hi Mom How’s it going?
(Place a period between 'Mom' and 'How's')

>>Somewhere along the way after (,) several failed marriages and three wonderful (,)in spite of everything (,) children

>>In the third to the last paragraph, you're missing a quotation mark at the end of the dialogue.

>>And in the second to the last paragraph, the sudden switch of tense to the present completely throws off the rhythm and timeline of the piece. Since you've been writing in the past tense, you should finish it up that way as well.

>>At the end of this, you asked if you should continue, and my answer to that would be no. I think you've done a good job summarizing and letting us know all about Angel and the life she has led. If anything, I'd suggest that you have a much tighter ending, perhaps saying that she was glad to have guests already arriving at the bed and breakfast (that is what the home is, isn't it?) I'd also suggest adding the way she got the house in the first place? It's apparent that she moved, but what was it about the house that attracted her? Just little things like that should round it up nicely.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a fun and interesting as well as heartwarming story. Thanks so much for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review of Withering  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Withering on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format –Not applicable since poem is only a stanza long.

*Note*Content: Oh oh! Don't tell me! I think I know what this form is................I'll get back to you on the name of it in a minute, but it's always fun to see how many ways you can begin a line with the same letter throughout and have the piece make sense. In this case, you've used the word 'withering' in relation to winter and the changes a tree goes through. The imagery used paints a vivid picture for the reader and we are able to get a sense of what you're trying to convey - that of feeling naked and vulnerable beneath Nature's elements, and the desperate need for warmth and comfort.

Thanks so much for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


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Review of angelic angles  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work angelic angles on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Interesting form the Etheree, isn't it? And you did a good job explaining it to the reader, so it's a bit more understandable.

*Note*Content: Nicely done! I like the play on the word 'angel' and 'angle' - goodness knows I get those two words mixed up well enough, but you have done a good job telling the reader about how both words apply to you, while keeping to the form. That's not easy to do and you pulled it off nicely.

Excellent job! *Smile*

*note to self. try this form one of these days*


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Review of Balloon Flight  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Balloon Flight on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format –Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader. Is that also a picture of your trip? According to your summary, it's based off such a thing, so I was curious. *Smile*

*Note*Content: For starters, goodness knows I'd be freaked out to ride in one of those things. You couldn't pay me enough to get me in a hot air balloon. No way, no how! Okay, with that said *lol* this was a wonderful and well-written piece, that just for a few seconds, we are taken into that balloon with you and we get to experience the very same things you did. *Smile*

There is a soothing ambience while reading this poem, and you ended it with a line that just about sums it all up perfectly: our souls still in the sky.


There is one word I'm not quite sure about though:

>>A trailor(trailer?) park indifferent yet strangely similar

Overall, this was a wonderful piece and I thank you for taking us on the journey. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again fyn !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Red Stream--On the Prowl on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Interesting format. As 'free' as the thoughts that are conjured up in this piece. *Laugh*

*Note*Content: Your summary was enough to give me an idea of where this was going and I'm not sure exactly where it was going. The stream of consciousness experiment is a funny one and it was definitely intriguing to see you connect a red jacket to parking lots and eventually settling in back to your chair. Hmm, I guess it's like watching something happen in real time...to watch someone's daily activities unwind before you like a spool of thread.

Nicely written. I can see why it won the top prize in the contest. Thanks so much for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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