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Review of Easter Smile´s  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Dchica85 *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Easter Smile to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" .

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Try placing either a single space between your paragraphs or try to use the {indent} tag before each paragraph, so that the story looks more presentable to the reader. Also, try to place the dialogue on separate lines of their own, so it doesn't get so 'lost' in the narrative.

*Note*Content: This is a story that deals with the narrator's experience between her husband who doesn't seem to care very much for their son, and recants of her memory as a child growing up without a real father figure in her life. It's a tale of love, heartbreak and determination, one that many should be able to relate to.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You do a good job showing the emotions felt by a young child at the abandonment of a father-figure in her life. One can't help feeling sorry for your character at those sections.
*Check2* Although there wasn't much dialogue, it was necessary that you separate them, since they have to move the pace of the story and tell us a bit more about the personalities of the characters.
*Check3* I thought you had a relatively good opening and should make the reader curious to read more. I felt the end was also good, but could be a bit stronger.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I wasn't quite sure about your title. Is it supposed to be Easter's Smile or Easter Smiles?

>>“Why can you not be here, you have missed the first five months of his life and a whole year of mine?” I sadly stated.
(You end up saying that the character 'stated' and the dialogue ends with a question mark. I'd suggest re-writing this as: "Why can you not be here? You have missed the first five months of his life and a whole year of mine," I sadly stated. See the difference?)

>>I am trying baby (comma or a period here)I just need a little more time to straighten

>>He was a good father when he was around (,)she always tells me

>>I saw him in the small yellow car next to us, *Cut* being a daddy’s girl at that time I screamed for his attention.
(Separate into two sentences)

>>But times where(were) hard, she desperately needed
>>We where(were) his children as much as we where(were) hers

>>My sister and I attended the same kinder garden.(kindergarten)
>>We waited at this kinder garden(kindergarten) for almost an hour
(Of course you can disregard this if those were deliberately spelled wrong)

>>What I remember next is my mom obviously crying (,) peddling her pink slim

>>Through all the bad times (,)I remember just one time I knew I loved my father.
(Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence)

>>adventure he said “We should take a walk.”
(Place a comma after 'said')

>>As we strolling(strolled) along holding hands,

>>I never wanted that day to end, the only time I really new(knew) that this man accepted me; I knew that deep down he really did love me.
(I'd also suggest rephrasing this to: I never wanted that day to end. It was the only time I really knew that this man accepted me; that I knew deep down, he really did love me. Take note of the punctuation marks.)

>>And after awhile wondering why I did not know all along that when he left for England that that was the last time I saw him.
(You could also choose to re-write this as: And after a while, wondering why I did not know all along that when he left for England, it would be the last time I ever see him.)

>>I was seven, my whole child hood ahead
('childhood' should be one word)

>>Often I think about my life with out his father,
('without' should be one word)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting and somewhat touching piece. However, with a few more edits, I'm sure this will be an even better read. Hopefully, I was able to help you with this before submitting it to your class. Good luck and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hallo Lynn McKenzie !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Walking On Thin Ice

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A woman awakens from a nightmare, one that will haunt her for many days to come. The vision is one that begins to unfold as the story goes on, keeping the reader on the edge of his or her seat, waiting for the inevitable.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Okay, someone's been hitting the Stephen King Inspiration Drawer/Closet, hasn't she? Several sections just screamed his influence and brought a smile to my face as I read.
*Check2* You had a very attention-grabbing opening. The fast-paced and almost breathless sequence of events drags the reader into the story making us eager to know more.
*Check3* You do a good job with the dialogue, helping to give the characters more depth and personality as the tale goes on.
*Check4* The story was not too descriptive, but just enough to give the reader a clear idea of the events taking place. I could definitely picture some scenes as I read.
*Check5* I noticed no spelling or grammar errors. Kudos.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Perhaps this was done for effect, to remind the reader of the vision and how it affects her, but you seemed to write that at the end of every section in the story and it became a bit overdone to me. Yes, we're aware that something is nagging her and worrying her, but pointing it out in each section begins to make it seem redundant. But then again, it could be for effect, and I will say you did a good job using words that were associated with 'ice/cold/winter' to allude to what was to happen in the end.

>>This might just be a personal thing, and believe me, I used to like seeing it a lot in SK's books - the whole pronunciation thing, where he writes out the way the character actually says the word. It was good at first, but after a while, it becomes too overdone, and you don't want people thinking you're trying too hard to write like he does. It wasn't much in this story, but it's just something to keep in mind when writing other horror like fics next time.

>>It was a relatively good finish, but not really as strong as I would have liked for some reason. I cannot think of something else to say or write to make it that way, but I just felt that with all the build up, it seemed to fade rather quickly. *Confused*

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting and enjoyable story and I thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*



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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

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Review of Heaven's Daughter  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Dennis Cardiff *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Heaven's Daughter to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" .

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader. However, you might want to reduce the font size of the poem since it seems like it's SHOUTING at the reader. *Smile*

*Note*Content: This is a poem that deals with a girl in sorrow, perhaps mourning the loss of a loved one, or the dissolving of a relationship she had once thought would last forever.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You used a lot of imagery in this piece, which is good, and helped to enrich the piece, making the scenes quite vivid in the reader's mind.
*Check2* You were able to convey the emotions of loss and sadness with the word choice.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>To be honest, I wasn't quite sure about the flow of this poem. The first stanza alone had me slightly confused and I had to read it several times to really understand what you were trying to say. Is this some kind of poetry form you were trying to adhere to? If so, you might want to mention that in the piece somewhere. Perhaps it was the placement of your punctuation marks, and I'd assume a few words could be switched around to make the stanza read a bit better.

Sitting near the water weeping
Head on knees, a lovely maiden
Whippoorwills are snugly sleeping
Drooping boughs, the weeping willow.

>>Perhaps you could try re-writing this to:

Sitting near the water weeping
Is a lovely maiden with head on knees.
Whippoorwills are snugly sleeping,
Drooping boughs, the weeping willow.

>>And the last stanza:

Sitting near the water weeping
Head on knees, a lonely lover
Whippoorwills are snugly sleeping
Drooping boughs the weeping willow.

>>Could be re-written to:

Sitting near the water weeping
Is a lonely lover with head on knees.
Whipporwills are snugly sleeping
Drooping boughs, the weeping willow.

>>The stanzas inbetween seem fine except for the punctuation marks which you should place in their appropriate places. That way the reader knows when to pause or stop while reading the poem and establishes a distinct rhythm and flow.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece and I couldn't help imagining it was written for an Indian princess of some sort. At least that was the image that came to mind while reading. *Smile* Feel free to return it back to the forum for a re-rate after you're done with the edits. Keep on writing!


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Need your poem or short story reviewed? Hop on in!
#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello billwilcox*Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox  (ASR)
A monthly contest that focuses on Genre writing. CLOSED for the Summer.
#1092898 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format –Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a symetrina, which features seven characters whose lives are interwoven by the presence of a mysterious coin. As each comes in contact with it, their lives take drastic turns. What is this coin? And what does it mean for these seven different people?

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You had an interesting opening - the first paragraph written well enough to intrigue the reader and make us more interested with the rest of the story.
*Check2* The action was fast-paced, the plot intriguing and suspenseful. I was definitely on the edge of my seat as I read this and couldn't wait to see what would happen next. Although one does get the idea that something bad might happen, you do a good job involving the reader with each scenario.
*Check3* The characters are not flat at all, and although you do not go into much detail, there's just enough to make them believable thanks to the good dialogue (the accent was a nice touch) which gives the reader a bit more into their personalities and characteristics.
*Check4* The descriptions were not too detailed, but just enough to give the reader a clear view of the scenes as they happened. Nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Only one typo was noticed:

>>A car slammed on its breaks(brakes) and

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very interesting and entertaining piece. Thanks for the excellent read and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


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Review of Solitude  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hallo again Dottie !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Solitude on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

This was quite a lovely poem and I can see why it won an awardicon. Each line is filled with beautiful imagery that all alludes to the surreal out-of-body experience. It seems to deal with being happy and seeing life through another medium - enjoying all it has to offer and taking the time to appreciate it. There was a good flow to this, although I felt a few lines could have used a bit more punctuation, so the reader knows when to pause or not while reading.

Thanks for the wonderful read and keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again Dottie !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work A Child's Question on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a short piece that deals with the writer's thoughts on racism and how it affected a part of her childhood while growing up. A little snippet of memory is explored in this piece, and goes to show how times might (or might not) have changed over the years.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Thanks for the link to the poem. It was a very good read and so very true. Although short, it was quite interesting to see the way a young girl like yourself viewed someone who was not of the same race as you were.
*Check2* I also found the reaction of the man you approached quite interesting. Not to take sides, but one can only imagine how irritated he must have felt at having to deal with such a question being asked. But then again, kudos to your mother for standing up for you.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very good read and I thank you for sharing it with us. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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Review of A Run From Terror  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo again Dottie !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work A Run From Terror on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The terrifying story of the writer's son, who ends up traveling a long way from home due to an incident. However, the question of credibilty is brought in as the story changes over the years.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Considering all the news of children leaving home these days due to no fault of theirs, this can be a rather worrisome storyline. I'm just glad to hear that things turned out all right in the end despite your doubts.
*Check2* You were able to engage the reader into the story with a rather fast-paced setup of events as they take place. The characters can be identified with, and I like the little addendum at the end of this as well.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks again for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review of Susie Homemakers  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again Dottie !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Susie Homemakers on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The short story of a group of women who form a club that meets annually for at least eight years. It tells of the joys and pleasures that such meetings brought to them as well as its eventual conclusion.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* This held a tone of sadness for me while reading it. Not sure if it's because of the way it ended, but although there were lots of good memories, it seemed overshadowed by the other aspects.
*Check2* I took the time to read about the game Zilch, and that was quite creative! *Laugh* I can definitely see the fun factor about it.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This is a story that reminds us to treasure the good memories as much as we can. This was quite enjoyable and I thank you for sharing. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo again Dottie !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work A Crisis In The Morning on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A talk of times gone by reminds the writer about an incident regarding a dress mishap when she was much younger.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* This was quite funny and cute! Oh wow, you're really lucky no one noticed the mishap on time. I wonder what kind of a reaction one would have today if such a thing happened. Clothes are definitely not that cheap anymore.
*Check2* No errors were noticed and you had a good writing flow which made for an effortless read.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo again Dottie !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Unwelcomed Boarders on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: *Laugh* I loved this! What better way to honor the unwanted guests who visit and decide to make our homes as inns when nature isn't enough for them? *lol*

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* There was a poetic quality to this. Perhaps it's in the way you end each paragraph with a phrase that resonates throughout the piece, or the general flow of your words - either way it was a very smooth read.
*Check2* You made use of some good imagery in this piece. One such line that stood out to me was: The ground labors to bring forth new growth, and nature comes alive with living things. Among so many others.
*Check3* You did a great job giving the animals such human qualities. It made them characters of their own and made them quite interesting and amusing.
*Check4* No spelling or grammar errors were noticed!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Wonderful job with this one, Dottie. Thanks for sharing this story with us and keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review of Child Adrift  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo again Dottie !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Child Adrift on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue, making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a story about a young girl (the author's actual experience) who finds herself drifting off into the ocean and her attempts to get back to shore despite the fear she must have felt at the time.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You're going to make me a big fan of autobiographic pieces yet. I really enjoyed this little snippet into your history again.
*Check2* The feeling of desperation - a quiet desperation - is felt in the monologue section and the reader is almost able to experience what the girl must have felt at the time.
*Check3* Another clean piece with no grammar or spelling errors. Kudos.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks for another fun read, Dottie! I'm off to check out the next story. Keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo Dottie !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Chickens in the City on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format –Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a short autobiographical piece about growing up in New York in the early forties where the writer's parents kept a chicken coop and raised them to provide eggs for the neighborhood.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* A lovely and heartwarming piece about growing up in an era when all seemed simple.
*Check2* There's a good flow to this and I almost didn't want it to end. *Smile* You're able to show us a little bit about your family with characters that many can almost identify with.
*Check3* I noticed no spelling or grammar errors.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a fun and interesting story to read and I thank you for sharing it. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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Review of You don't know me  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello CharlotteWheever *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work The Song to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" .

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue, making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A night out of town with a best friend turns into the most painful experience for a woman, who reflects on a love once had and now lost.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* With your disclaimer, I wasn't quite sure if you were actually going to use too many lyrics in the story, and I'm sort of glad you didn't...nothing against stories that use that format that is. With the choice of songs used, you helped to tell the story and it added a more poignant tone to the piece.
*Check2* Despite the story being short, your characters were believable, and it helped through the dialogue and their actions. I had to feel for Karen and her situation. So kudos on managing to pull that off....although one does wish that Alex would snap out of it. Ah well.
*Check3* I noticed no spelling or grammar errors. Kudos.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece and I thank you for sharing. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

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Review of Grief  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Brain Nuggets and thanks for submitting your entry Grief to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The shock is too terrible, the situation too dire. A man sits in stunned silence at the catastrophic event that's taken place in his life. How is he to recover from something so crushing? Could there possibly be redemption in the future? One can only hope and wait.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt.
*Check2* Okay, you definitely had me cracking up at the end of this. Oh my gosh! What? What??? Talk about taking things to the extreme, but that's the fun of it. I don't want to give anything away, but I'm sure many will be able to understand the references made and snicker at a particular line said by Duane at the end of the story.
*Check3* Good descriptions used in the story especially in the opening paragraph. Nicely done.
*Check4* Dialogue was funny and interesting and fit the characters quite well.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I bet they're not losing sleep wondering why we're is working graveyard

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting and entertaining read. Thanks for your submission, good luck and keep on writing. *Smile*


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Review of Reflection  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello writerscramp and thanks for submitting your entry Reflection to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good use of the indent tag to separate paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content:A young doctor confronts his first 'failure' at his job. It's a moment that he has no anticipated, and the reality of it all is not as easy as he had thought.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt.
*Check2* I would have liked to see something longer, but I think you were able to convey enough of the emotions the young doctor must have gone through.
*Check3* You kept it fast-paced enough, almost mimicking the way it would feel in a hospital where doctors do have to face patients every other hour and won't have as much time to grieve over a loss.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece and I thank you for your submission to the contest. Good luck and keep on writing! *Smile*


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"On the Wings of a Dove" 
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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again hoosiermomma2 *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Miracle on Frozen Ground to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" .

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a short story about a family finding themselves in dire straits and how through prayer and faith, they are able to receive a miracle thought almost impossible.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* This is another uplifting story that deals with faith and the belief that all things can work through Him with prayer.
*Check2* A good example with real life situations that many readers can identify with. Although short, the desperation and frustration you and your husband felt was well conveyed in this piece, and I guess after reading the first story, that need is heightened with this tale.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>One Saturday(,)in February of 2004

>>I came upon a verse….which I now hold as my own.
(I don't think you really need the ellipses there)

>>Matthew 21:22, which says If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
(Missing a beginning quotation mark there)

>>it was not,*Cut* the pipes were frozen…..not in the basement but under the ground…and there was nothing we could do until the ground thawed.
(Another section that could also do without the ellipses. I'd suggest re-writing this to: It was not. The pipes were frozen, not in the basement, but under the ground and there was nothing we could do until the ground thawed.)

>>get through (what choice did we have, really?)
(Missing a period at the end of this since you begin the next word in a new sentence.)

>>that broke the camel('s) back.

>>(keep in mind, it’s February and after ten at night, it was only getting colder) I told
(Same as above. Place a period at the end of the bracket since you begin with a new sentence soon after.)

>>I walked back in and sat down at the computer. And all of a sudden I heard water running.
(I'd suggest re-writing this to: I walked back in and sat down at the computer, when all of a sudden I heard water running. I think that heightens the sense of shock and disbelief the narrator must have felt at the time.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece and one that should leave a smile on the reader's face at the end of it. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Dchica85 *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Where The Frogs Secrete to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" .

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a short piece that deals with the narrator's place of solitude and solace. With descriptive words, the reader is taken into this world where all seems surreal and breathtaking - a welcome reprieve from a harsh reality that awaits her at the other side.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You said that this was an assignment on description for your English class. Well, I'm not your teacher, but I think you did a great job with this. There was a great use of imagery which appeals to the senses, and the reader is able to 'see' and even 'feel' some of the things you talk about.
*Check2* There is a good flow to it, and besides the errors pointed out below, this would make for an excellent read.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>As my lungs absorb the fresh wind (,) I feel as though i have consumed new energy.
(Capitalize the 'i'. Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence)

>>My blond hair flies around me (,)shortly making me lose my sight
(Without the comma there, it sounds like you're saying that 'your hair flies around you shortly' which doesn't quite make sense. But the placement of the comma shows that for a brief moment, your sight was lost due to your hair.)

>>My mind starts to wonder(wander?) like a lost child, I come
(Change the comma to the a period)

>>from the harsh world as i
(Is there a reason why your 'i's aren't capitalized? Some of them in your story aren't. You might want to fix them.)

>>a small body of animate(d) water

>>stone bench down where the frogs secrete,
(Where the frogs secrete what? While reading this, you seem to compare this place of solace to a frog's secretion? However, how do both correlate? *Confused*)

>>I look close and for a split second see a quite large fish,*Cut* it is a dull gray color and seems to have no time to waste, in the blink of my eye he is gone.
(Besides breaking this into two separate sentences, you can choose to re-write the latter part of the sentence: I look close and for a split second, see a quite large fish. It is a dull gray color and seems to have no time to waste because in the blink of an eye, he is gone.)

>>At my level, above water (,) I spot an admirable insect hovering the water, with wings appearing to(o) big for its fragile body.

>>but handsome golden retriever .
(Too much space between period and last word)

>>The animal(')s thick hair has reached a grayish hint to it.

>>The very moment they are out of my sight (,) i no longer have them in my thoughts,*Cut* the intruders have left(let) me be.

>>I notice that the already rationed sun light is beginning to grow dimer.(dimmer)
('sunlight' should be one word)

>>to shiver with the wind(')s mighty blows

>>take hold.My hands
(There should be a space between both sentences)

>>The darkness overcomes me I can no longer trust my sense of sight.
(You can choose to rewrite this as: The darkness overcomes me. I can no longer trust my sense of sight. or The darkness overcomes me, and I can no longer trust my sense of sight.)

>>I can only hear the wind singing his song and feel its breath rub against my cheek,
(You refer to the wind with a human quality, and then use 'its' in the latter part of the sentence. You should decide on what pronoun you intend to maintain. If you insist on keeping the 'human' side of things, 'its' should be changed to 'his' as well.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a good piece and I'm sure you'll do well on it. Just try to fix up the items noted above, and you've got an excellent story on your hands! Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

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Review of The Bad Place  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hallo Pixies and Pumpkins and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work The Bad Place

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Try to either place a single space between the paragraphs and dialogue or use the indent tag. To access the ML tags, go to 'Site Navigation' on the left side of your screen, select 'Site Tools' and then 'Writing ML Help'. *Smile*

*Note*Content: This is a story about a relationship that seems to be based on lies and broken promises. The narrator finds herself caught between a rock and a hard place, and is unable to tear herself away from a man who might not be so good for her.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You have a good writing style, but all of that is lost in the formatting of the story. Your words flow easily from one sentence to another, and the reader is able to picture the events as they take place.
*Check2* You use some good imagery in this piece as well - especially the section where you compare the phone ringing to something as odd as two hundred person symphony. Nice.
*Check3* The dialogue was the key point of the story and I think you did a great job showing the relationship these two have.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>They ranged from the two months he spent locked up in juvie, innocent although accused of burglary and murder(,) to living in Montana

>>blackened by the darkness race past my car as I escape(d) down
(Change of tense. You've been using the past voice)

>>and taking drugs after you swore to he on your relationship
(I think that should be deleted)

>>Every scar started to sting(stung) with anger as the tears started to come.
(I crossed out that section because it sounded repetitive)

>>I found the nearest opportunity to turn around, and I head(ed) back the bad place.
(Change of tense)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting story and a pleasure to read, but with a bit more polishing it can become a gem. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hallo nit and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work SOS - Story of Survival

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs. However, you will need to separate the dialogue from the rest of the narrative as it becomes confusing to read it in your current format.

*Note*Content: James is a boy thrilled to be joining his father on a trip to an island off the coast of Russia. However, this boat trip turns out to be a lot more disastrous than expected. How will James survive as the sole survivor of the crash that takes the life of everyone on board?

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You have a good storyline going here, although it's weak in some areas, you can still work on this to make it a much better read.
*Check2* James seems to be an interesting character and I do like his development throughout the story. However, some of the things he does makes one wonder if he's believable enough.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Why am I here,*Cut* why did I agree to come here in the first place?
(I'd suggest breaking that into two sentences. 'Why am I here? Why did I agree...?' Also, since this is apparently the character's thoughts, perhaps it would be a good idea to make it more obvious by either italicizing the words: Why am I here? Why did I agree to come here in the first place, he thought. See what I mean?)

>>Even though it was two months ago(,) James remembered as if it were yesterday.
(Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence)

>>The second paragraph begins the flashback/past events, I'd suggest that you use some form of the ML tag to show the transition. (To access your ML tags, go to the 'Site Navigation' menu on the left side of your screen and click on 'Site Tools' - there should be an option there that says 'Wriring ML Help')

>>It had to be the hottest day on record (,) he thought.

>>James tried to fall asleep (,) but the humidity in the air that afternoon made it near impossible
(Another comma rule: Always place them before the words but/and/so especially if they separate phrases that can stand alone as sentences.)

>>Later on in the evening (,) James’s dad had come home with news
(Again, remember that commas should go after each introductory phrase of a sentence. There are several other instances that this occurs in your story, and I won't paste them here, but go through it again to spot them and make the necessary edits.)

>>for the national geographic magazine
(This should be capitalized: National Geographic since it's the title given to the magazine.)

>>a small island just of(f) the coast of Russia

>>Since James was on summer holidays James’s dad allowed James to accompany him.
(So many James's in there, it's distracting *lol* I'd suggest re-writing this to: Since James was on summer holidays, his father allowed James to accompany him.)

>>“Why do we have to go on a ship James had asked. “? National geographic want me to take photographs of the scenery along the way and this can only be done on a ship”.
(This is an example of where you can work/fix up your dialogue. As it reads now, it will be confusing to the reader. To re-write:
"Why do we have to go on a ship?" James asked.
"National Geographic wants me to take photographs of the scenery along the way and this can only be done on a ship."
Notice that they are on separate lines, and secondly, always place the punctuation mark before you put the quotation mark and not the other way around.

>>“Come on James let’s go down for lunch” James’s dad
(Place a comma after 'lunch'. I noticed that other parts of the story have the same problem. Always place a comma after each dialogue, especially if they're followed by phrases that show direct action to speaking.)

>>He checked his digital watch *Cut* it read 7:00 pm.
(Separate: He checked his digital watch; it read 7:00pm)

>>Why wasn’t his dad home yet he wondered?
(Home? I thought they were on a boat. *Confused*)

>>Where is everyone he thought?
(Where is everyone? he thought.)

>>As he got (to) the lunchroom he felt a sense of foreboding

>>hopefully someone on (the) ship was alive.

>>It took James quite a while to find the captain(')s deck but when he finally did, what he saw made his heart sink, *Cut* the captain was hunched over, clearly dead.
(In the 'cut' section, it needs to start off as a new sentence)

>>James looked at the radar in the captain(')s ship,

>>S.O.S he yelled.
("SOS!" he yelled. Remember to use the right punctuations so the dialogue stands out.)

>>in a Life jacket with a hole in it
('life' should not be capitalized)

>>In the eleventh paragraph, it seems like you begin every sentence with James. Don't hesitate to mix things up with pronouns or adjectives, so it doesn't become redundant.

>>When James woke he got a surprise he was still alive.
(Perhaps it would read a bit better if it was written in this format: When James woke up, he was surprised he was still alive.)

>>he then surrounded the in rocks.

>>Slowly but surly(surely) the twigs and
Branches were crackling.
(I'm not sure why this was on two separate lines, but you might want to fix the formatting, so it's all one sentence)

>>James smiled *Cut* it was his first smile for as long as he could remember.

>>which could be potentially be poisonous.

>>Ahead he found just what he was looking for (;)a dead buffalo killed by a herd of wolves by the look of it. He got out his rock knife and cut of(f) some meat.

>>“ Are you the boy who jumped off the ship the terminator(The Terminator)?” asked a man

>>Terminator sank. Your dad is still alive. James jumped for Joy.
(Where does the dialogue end and the narrative begin? You should add a closing quotation mark at the end of 'alive' and 'Joy' should not be capitalized)

>>For some reason, I got the sense you rushed through this story, especially towards the end. I was under the impression that the boat had sunk, so how were they able to rescue the comatose bodies (if they didn't sink to the bottom already) and were unable to find the boy floating in the ocean all that time? Secondly, the island - I'm not sure of how old James is, although from the sound of it, he's quite young - he seems to adapt a bit too quickly to his situation. Where are his feelings of fear and danger? Yes, he did cry at being lonely, but I felt you could have done more to let the reader into his emotional psyche. Make the reader feel for the character and his plight, and how does one achieve that? Through the use of more descriptive words. Take for instance this simple line:

>>James jumped for joy.
(This is his reaction to hearing that his father is still alive. Granted, it's a good enough show of expression, but it seems to brief, considering all he has gone through and all the emotions he must have experienced during his stay on the island. Perhaps we could make James scream or break down in tears in excitement. Maybe tears sprang to his eyes...or maybe he was in a state of disbelief. These are the sort of emotions you might wish to draw the reader into your story)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

It takes a lot of guts to finally submit your first story online for critiques, and I sincerely hope that this review/rating will not discourage you. You have the potential to become a great writer, but with a little more work, it's the only way you can improve. Thanks for sharing your work and if you'd like to resubmit it for a re-rate, I'd be glad to look at it again. Keep on writing! *Smile*


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A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Rebecca !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work A Thousand Mirrors

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: The narrator of this poem comes across a strange girl with an even stranger story to tell. Her words will resonate in his soul long after he has left her presence.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* I usually enjoy reading poems that tell a story at the same time and this one did not disappoint.
*Check2* You had a good rhyming scheme which made the piece flow quite well while reading.
*Check3* Some good imagery was used in this poem to enrich the senses while reading. One particular line that struck me was the very last stanza actually. I like the way she explained the thousand mirrors line. Very nicely done.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a well-written and enjoyable piece and I thank you for sharing. Congrats on being chosen as a WDC Rising Star and keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Harshal !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work I Will Always Be There For You...

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Not applicable since piece is only a stanza long.

*Note*Content: This is a poem that deals with loving someone despite the suffering he or she must be going through.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Despite it being quite short, it was rather touching and heartwarming. You managed to convey that feeling of love and support with the words chosen for the poem.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>An unseen needle kept hurting me; A(a) steady flame kept burning me.
>>Yet unscathed and unburnt (,)I will always be there for you;

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece and I thank you for sharing. Congratulations on being chosen as a WDC Rising Star! Keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama

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Review of Masked Soul  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Trinity !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Masked Soul

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Behind the mask of popularity and fun, is a girl who is far from what she potrays. This is a poem that tells of the different faces she wears.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You had a good flow to this piece, the rhyming scheme was set which made for an effortless read.
*Check2* Some good imagery was used in this piece as well, and the theme is something that some young women might be able to relate to. You did a good job expressing that emotion and conveying it to the reader.
*Check3* I noticed no spelling or grammar errors.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece and a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1123007 by iKïyå§ama

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398
398
Review of Little Monster  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello M and thanks for submitting your entry Little Monster to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Kitty and Pat have plans for the evening, but there's a slight problem. Mom's on her way home and they aren't ready yet! Pat has the brilliant idea to use their little sister as a decoy, and the events that follow are fun and heartwarming.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt.
*Check2* Although short, the characters were fun and believable enough with their antics and dialogue.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“You can call off your co-conspirator now I think,” I grinned.
(I'm guessing that mom actually said this, right? In that case, you might want to change the comma to a period.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a fun little story which I'm sure will bring a smile to the reader's face at the end of it. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*
399
399
Review of The Creators  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello silverfeathers *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work The Creators to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" .

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: As seen through the eyes of the one who made us, this is a story that deals with how Earth and its inhabitants are viewed from the Original Creator. The writer uses this POV to point out the flaws of the human race, while focusing on the few amongst the many (called the 'Creators') who have the ability to change the fate of the planet in which they live.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* This was very clever I must say. It's not an original idea, don't get me wrong. There have been many stories that try to tackle God's perspective on humans, however, you've managed to make yours quite believable and almost 'poetic' with the words used in the story.
*Check2* Great imagery used in this piece, with such lines as: Using nothing but their fertile imaginations, they constructed worlds, breathed life into their beloved characters. With an empty canvas and an eye to detail, they depicted their times in all its joy and suffering.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>and many who did had not manage(d) it within their own lifetimes

>>Something about that last line threw me off. I'd suggest doing without it since the paragraph before that already tells that the Creators are doing his work. It just seems redundant.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a well-written piece and I can see why it won first place in the contest. Keep up the good work and keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

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Review of Great Aunt Daphne  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Hedgehog and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Ghost Daphne

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good use of the indent tag to separate main paragraphs and dialogue, making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: It's Saturday night and our narrator has got nothing to do but watch TV while his wife goes out to some new class she's taking. However, what happens when you hear a funny sound from your kitchen and go in to see an unwanted visitor in there?

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* All right, this had me laughing especially at the reaction to the visitor. That was funny and somewhat believeable.
*Check2* This would have been a perfect read if it wasn't for a few words I mentioned below and a few grammar rules. You have a good writing style, your words are easy to digest.
*Check3* The dialogue, where used, was well done and gave the reader an insight of the characters and their personalities.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Its(It's) another Saturday night and I’m stuck at home cuz my wife needs the car.
(I'm guessing the 'cuz' is the way the narrator speaks which is why I hesitate to ask you to change it to 'because')

>>I really don’t know what’s so great about taking night classes on East African Pottery (,) but she told me
(Always place a comma before the word 'but' especially if it separates two phrases that can stand alone as sentences.)

>>“Damn cats.” I grumble to myself.
(Place a comma after 'cats' - always do that for dialogue especially if it's followed by a phrase directly associated with the speech given.)

>>Just as the kitchen comes into view (,)I see a can of corn
(Yet another comma rule to keep note of - always place them after the introductory phrase of a sentence)

>>slimy stuff is leaking thru my fingers.
(This is distracting to me for some reason *Laugh* Maybe using 'through' would work just as well)

>>Last but not least, I'd suggest you change the title of the story since it does seem to give everything away. Your brief description as well might let the cat out of the bag. See if you can change both, so the end of the story isn't so anti-climatic.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, an interesting and rather entertaining story. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


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