Hello A.J. Garofalo and thank you for submitting your work The Writer to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" .
Overall Impression:
Format – Good spacing between main paragraphs, however, you might want to do the same for dialogue. At least put a single break between each character's speech, so it doesn't become too confusing to the reader.
Content: This is the story (based off real life events it seems) of a young man who longs to write and yet cannot find the words to convey all that he feels.
Pluses + There's a lot of coffee being drunk in this story, isn't there? All the same, I enjoyed the conversation between the characters - since that seemed to take the bulk of the story. It made it quite realistic. There was also a particular section of the story that showed me your ability to make use of imagery (I'd suggest using that a lot more in your other stories):
The autumn breeze chased leaves from under the picnic tables, while they watched the sun disappear behind the mountains.
That was a very vivid and picturesque description. Good job. Last but not least, Michael was a character that many of us can identify with - the role of the frustrated writer, who lashes out at the one closest to him/her is quite common. So that was nicely done.
Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.
"Let it flow, write what you know, write what you would want to read." He thought.
When a character 'thinks', you do not put the words between double quotation marks. Unless he's speaking out loud. In other words you could have it written in either of these forms:
>>"Let it flow, write what you know, write what you would want to read," he thought aloud.
>>Let it flow, write what you know, write what you would want to read, he thought.
Note the differences and choose the one that works best with you.
Michael sighed and turned off his dell.(Dell)
'Dell' is a brand name hence it should be capitalized. Also, you might want to consider using 'Dell computer' - just in case there are some readers who are not quite sure of what you mean.
He sat there for a moment, wondering why this is(was) so difficult for him.
Change of tense. You've been speaking in the past voice all this time. Try to be consistent.
Michael clicked open the browser to read his morning sport pages before heading into(off to) work.
Assuming that his work is actually outside his home - 'off to'- seems more reasonable.
While the pages loaded he thought, "someday I'll write something great and be able to work in my underwear."
*points upwards" Remember what I said about a character's thoughts - only use double quotation marks if they are speaking aloud. Otherwise, get rid of them.
Something I've noticed while reading your story is your dialogue errors, especially when it comes to appropriate use of the comma. I'd suggest reading through this to give you an idea of where and how they are used: "A Guide to Punctuation" And just in case you're still not sure of what I'm talking about, here are a few examples:
>>"Sure, someday." He mumbled out loud and
>>"Here you go bud." Jeremy said as he handed Michael his coffee.
>>"Thanks, how was your weekend?" Asked Michael.
Revised:
>>"Sure, someday," he mumbled out loud and
>>"Here you go, bud," Jeremy said as he
>>"Thanks, how was your weekend?" asked Michael.
See the difference? This happens a lot in your story, so you might want to work on the rest of them instead of me pointing them all here.
The sequence of events in the beginning of the second paragraph threw me off a bit. The transition from sleeping to getting coffee was rather awkward and did not flow as well as it might have. A little more detail would really help.
Jeremy pulled his old ford(Ford) into MIchael's driveway.
'Ford' is a brand name.
His girlfriend Shannon would be over later, he tossed his boxed supper into the microwave and sat to write.
Place a semi-colon between those phrases. Again see the use of that in the link provided above.
"Maybe I'll get an idea here he thought."
I'm sure you can see what's wrong with this section, besides putting everything within double quotation marks, 'he thought' should not even be a part of it.
Shannon drove into the dimly lit parking lot, they went into the video store.
Again, use the semi-colon between the two phrases.
Michael stood there in bare feet (with) no shirt and the jeans he wore the day before.
I can(')t wait to read it and I'll see you tonight.
Michael will(would) become a writer.
Remember that your story is being written in the past tense. Be consistent with that.
"I guess I'll have to than(then)."
They filled their glasses and toasted to Michael(')s small victory.
It seemed like the last paragraph was rushed, hence all the errors that filled it while reading.
Last but not least, in your summary it should be 'A story I wrote when I had writer's block'. Do not forget the apostrophe.
Overall, this was an interesting look at a writer's struggle to become a better writer - and since it's based off real life events, it makes it even more relateable to. Do not be deterred by the low rating and all the errors pointed out above, like you wrote in my forum, you want to become a better writer and these are just the baby steps one has to take. However, I'd advice that you do make the effort to work on the errors noted. I have helped you with a previous story and noticed you made no improvements as suggested. So with the time spent on this, I hope that the next time I pay a visit to your port, the story would read more better and I can give you a much higher rating. Good luck with all your endeavors and keep on writing.
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