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Review of Straightjacket  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hallo Wes and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Straightjacket

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Depending on what word program you use, try to use either the indent tag - {indent} - or place a single line break between main paragraphs and dialogue so that your story is more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A man, so overwhelmed with his insecurities, transfers his tumultuous emotions onto a wife that continues to claim her innocence of any wrongdoing.

*Note*Pluses + Although short, this was a rather good insight into the thought processes of a man who is quite paranoid (if you ask me). You do a good job showing his anxiety and how far he is willing to go to prove a point - as false as they might be. The main character is quite interesting and I almost wish I got to read a lot more about him.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>They had not spoken for three days over an argument they had had.
So many 'had's in this one, eh? How about re-writing it like: Due to an argument, they hadn't spoken to each other for three days. and see if that sounds better.

>>and surprise his wife by taking (her) out to lunch

>>“That’s what I thought. I knew it(,)” as he ran into the living room.

>>a nice car and a wife that loved him( even though
Fix the formatting of underlined section

>>He regret(regretted) it now, the yelling, coldness and the rigidity.

>>Those felling(feelings) were replaced with

>>One thing you might want to work on as well is attention to details/description/imagery. What's that? It's simply telling a little bit more about a situation instead of a simply stating the events as they take place. For instance:

He walked to his car and drove to work. Arriving at his place of work, an advertising firm, he took the elevator to the 68th floor where his office was located. He sat down in his corner office and got to work.

REVISED:
He walked to his car, a 95 lime green Chevy that he loved dearly, and drove to work. Arriving at the advertising firm, he took the elevator to the 68th floor where his office was located and sat down in his corner office with an inward sigh. It was time for another long day at work.

So you do not have to go with what I've written there, but at least you understand what I mean by adding more 'details' to a scene. With just a few words, the reader knows that he's a man who prefers his car to maybe his wife, dreads going to a workplace he doesn't even like while thoughts of his wife's escapades still plague him.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a good attempt, and I definitely think you have the potential to churn out wonderful stories with more writing/practice. I wish you the best of luck and if you ever get this edited and would like me to re-rate it, I'd be glad to do so. Keep on writing. *Smile*


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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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252
252
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hallo Sarah Arnette and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Passport:Honeymooners

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Depending on what word program you use, try to use either the indent tag - {indent} - or place a single line break between paragraphs and dialogue, so the story looks more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: A couple decide to go to London for their honeymoon. Unfortunately, one mistake leads to a life a young woman could not have imagined for herself.

*Note*Pluses + I will say that the opening paragraph was quite promising and I was eager to know more about the couple and their escapades, but darn if things didn't go downhill from there quickly, eh? *Frown* You almost find yourself wishing that things had gone a bit better for them and the poor woman didn't have to deal with the events at the end. The plot would have been strong except for a few things I mention below and this also includes character development. There was definitely the potential of having some strong characters, but they fell flat towards the end.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>The house smelled like juniper on the(a) warm fall(Fall) day.
The use of 'the' makes it seem more specific instead of generalized - since there is no particular day that is being referenced.

>>The front of the building said Antiques and Collectibles, which
Perhaps it's a personal preference, but I've seen most writers do this, place the underlined section either within single quotation marks or italicize them, so it stands out a bit more.

>>necklace with a single am(??) amethyst on it.
Could you explain what that means to me? *Smile*

>>Tony followed her voice to her side and looked at the necklace, unimpressed. “It is a rock. A rock on a chain,” his tone indicated a little sarcasm. He looks at piece again and notices the price tag. “A rock on a chain with a large price on it.”
Eeek! It's the dreaded 'Shifts!' *Bigsmile* It's something you want to avoid when writing, and from the rest of your story, it seems like you switched back and forth quite often. This is not only distracting, but can turn a reader off quickly. Check out this article that explains more about shifts and how to improve on them: "Shifts

>>Barbara was so shaken by the even(event) that her hands

>>The girl snapped her gum boredly as she checked the
OR this could be re-written as: The girl snapped her gum in boredom as she checked the...

>> It was not there either.”
Delete quotation mark at the end of that.

>>Maybe it was under her wallet she thought.
Several things wrong with this. First, place a comma after 'wallet' and secondly, since it's Barbara doing the thinking, it would seem odd that she refers to herself in the third person. So this should be re-written to: Maybe it's under my wallet, she thought. See the difference?

>>The phone rings a few time but(times and) finally a man picks up.

>>You must admit that it is very suspious(suspicious) that you claim it was

>>she was broke and only had the cloths(clothes) on her back left

>>Wow, what a sad ending, but the big ol' question remains...just what happened to her husband?? I do not understand why he would abandon her there when it seemed so obvious that he cared about her? The last few paragraphs (and the timeline) became quite confusing. How long had passed. How could everything that happened to her, just occur in a month? It seemed much too fast and unrealistic to be honest, and unless you're writing a fantasy-based story, you should try as much as possible to make your characters believable with whatever events they go through.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a good effort, but as you can see, you still need to work on a few things to make this story an even better read. If you are done editing and would like me take a look at it again and re-rate it, I'd be more than glad to help you with that. Good luck and keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1188309 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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253
253
Review of Thank You Ethan  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hallo JennyRoxED and welcome to WDC!*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Thank You Ethan

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Depending on what word document program you use, try to use either the indent tag - {indent} - or place a single break between main paragraphs so your story looks more presentable to a first time reader.

*Note*Content: A young girl is diagnosed with a mysterious illness - something that ends up testing the relationship with a boy she really cares about.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Good opening paragraph with just enough to have the reader curious enough to know more.
*Check2* The characters were interesting, but I would have liked to know a little bit more about the main couple in the story - what is this illness (even though it's mysterious) - what were the symptoms? Did she get weak? Did she feel like throwing up? Did she have a fever? How did it all begin? What were the emotions being felt between both parties? These are the little details you might want to work on as you continue writing. That way the reader can feel some sort of emotional connection with the characters you are creating. *Smile*

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>At first Ethan took this ok,*Cut* he would help me when I was sick and he kept me from breaking down.
The underlined phrase looks/reads a bit too informal and the 'cut' sign means that you could either use a semi-colon there or separate into two sentences. In other words: At first Ethan took this well; he would help me when I was sick and he kept me from breaking down. See which sounds better to you.

>>After my visit to (the) hospital Ethan changed,*Cut* he stopped contacting
Separate into two different sentences.

>>I still now am only guessing what might have been the cause
OR you could re-write this to: Even now, I still guess as to what might have been the cause...

>>managed to last about half and(an) hour before

>>Although the doctors were still not sure (,) they put it down to a probable asthma attack.
Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence.

>>Although Ethan didn’t seemed to worry about what was going on (,) he stayed with a girl I met
Same as above

>> I can not remember much about what
'cannot' should be one word

>>Maybe I'm just cynical, but with all that happened at the concert, (and perhaps he was only trying to hide his fear and concern) it was still a jerkish way for him to act. *Frown* If he really cared about you, he'd try to explain himself to you instead of hurting you in that way. But then again, this is just my opinion.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

You definitely have a lot of potential and I hope you continue to add more stories to your port. If you'd like me to read anything else of yours or if you edit this one and feel it's ready to be re-rated, just email me and let me know and I'll be willing to work with you. Good luck and keep on writing! *Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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254
254
Review of Day Of Fear  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Beware_Five *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Day Of Fear to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus].

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Not applicable since poem is a stanza long and in free verse form.

*Note*Content: Memories of a loved one lost during one of the bloodiest massacres in America's history, is recounted in this poem.

*Note*Pluses + This was quite an emotional piece and brings back the horrors of that day. I'm not sure if you were actually there, but you manage to paint a scene that the reader might imagine with such an event taking place. Some good imagery was also used and made the poem much richer. Nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I scream and cry to for you stay here with me,

>>Every line besides one seems to have a comma at the end of it when there are some lines that could end with a period or no punctuation at all. It helps with the flow of the piece and allows the reader to know when to pause or not while going through the poem.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a relatively well-written piece. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing! *Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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255
255
Review of The Spy  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello jo and thanks for submitting your entry The Spy to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: What happens when a big supermarket comes to town and tries to take over a small family business? Through the eyes of one customer, the reader gets to see the benefits of sticking with the old.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Good opening paragraph - just enough to have the reader curious to know more about the character's intentions.
*Check2* The dynamic between husband and wife was rather sweet and touching. The dialogue felt natural and not contrived - very nicely done.
*Check3* You bring in the elements on your native culture - mentioning the cost of the items (what does Rs. stand for though??) and popular food items. But I would have liked to see a little bit more - the whole supermarket setting still leaned more towards a country's need to westernize itself and would have liked to experience a little more of what makes India such a wonderful place. *Smile*

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>please send these items -- 250 gms sugar,
I'm on the fence about the abbreviation. Since the character is speaking out loud, it would sound 'odd' that she's saying 250g.m.s instead of 250 grams, see what I mean? Although it's written, there are a few abbreviations (especially in dialogue) that should be written out in full.

>>Hasn’t my salary cheque cleared in the bank?
Missing closing quotation mark at the end of this.

>>Take the gum for yourself (,) my boy.
Always place a comma before or after a person being addressed.

>>I'm curious as to what the italicized section means: Pravinbhai It seems like an honorific but I can't be sure. A little explanation would have been helpful. *Smile*

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a good and entertaining story with a moral at the end! *lol* Thanks for your submission to the contest, good luck and keep on writing!

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Nyoni and thanks for submitting your entry Diary of a Zimbabwean Housewife to
FORUM
Project Write World  (13+)
A celebration of writers and their distinct cultures to bring us all together.
#1254279 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: In Zimbabwe, life is not easy for the average person, and as we look at a typical woman's day in Bulawayo, we come to appreciate the dedication and sacrifices made.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1*Soon all the dogs in our close have joined the
Excuse me while I squeal in delight at the underlined word. *Bigsmile* It's been such a long time since I heard that term and I used to live in a close too! That definitely had me grinning from ear to ear.
*Check2* Very good opening paragraph - strong with just enough description to have the reader eager to read more about the narrator and her daily experience. It's a good set up without giving too much away (the dreaded info dump!). Nicely done.
*Check3* One thing that stands out in your story is the ability to set up your scenes quite well with great descriptions without overwhelming the reader. One that stood out to me was waiting in line for the bread, the children playing with their make-shift soccer ball, the homeless man on the street, the policeman who would rather spend time doing anything but his duty - all those little things help to enrich a story already filled with little moments that should make most of us appreciative of the life we have at this moment.
*Check4* The last few paragraphs should leave the reader contemplative and I like the way you brought in the quote at the end. Definitely a nice tie in with the rest of the story and a country in need to re-evaluate itself.

*Note*Suggestions:

Just one typo was noticed:

>>Gladys works as (a) maid for a professional hunter

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very thoughtful, well-written and touching piece, for despite the hardships this woman and her family goes through, there's still a hint of hope and a love between a couple that seems even stronger than ever before. Thanks for sharing this piece, good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review of MY QUIET PLACE  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Maria Mize !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work My Quiet Place

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Love the formatting of this. It definitely makes it a little more unique than most. Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is the poet's attempt to reconnect with nature and all that He has created - it's majesty and beauty is evident in the lines and the awe of His work manifest's itself. The flow of the piece wasn't quite as smooth as I would have liked and the last stanza (the addition of the Bible verse) could have been a bit more in tune with the other four line stanzas.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

But overall, this was quite an enjoyable piece and one that should bring a smile to the reader's face. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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#1188305 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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258
Review of Nocturnal Fears  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hallo blue moth !*Smile* I will be reviewing your work Nocturnal Fears

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Besides the first paragraph, the rest of the story needs to have single breaks placed between dialogue and paragraphs or change in scenes. That way your piece doesn't look too 'crowded' and unreadable to a first time visitor.

*Note*Content: A young girl is forced to deal with the loss of a friend who suddenly returns to wrack havoc on her senses. She desperately tries to find a balance between hurt, pain and commitment to a boy that means so much to her.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* The opening paragraph was a bit confusing to me (after reading it again, it's clear that it's a character's thoughts.) One suggestion would be to italicize that section so it's more distinct from the rest of the narrative.
*Check2* Some of your descriptions were quite good = 'bottle green eyes' for one. It definitely conjures up a vivid image for the reader.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>The mirror depicts a different you, a one of compassion and soul.

>>And all pain aside, you were a part of my life, but if being here makes you bitter, I won't obstruct you, my guesswork.
Although this sounds good after several reads, see if this version sounds a bit better or not. All pain aside, you were a part of my life. However, if being here makes you bitter, I won't obstruct you. My guesswork. Notice the words that have been deleted and the punctuation added to make the sentence flow a bit better.

>>straighten out her mind again , the beautiful black nocturnal sky seemed
Change the comma to a period.

>>and like a broken tape, replayed(replaying) the same old lyric.
In the context of the sentence, the active voice sounds better.

>>and yet every time I try (to) cut the chord between us

>>ended up the way you did." there(There) was no solace

>>looking right back at him "you don't get to tell me what
Rewrite to: ...looking right back at him, "You don't get to tell me..." The same thing seems to be predominant in most of your dialogue. Do not forget to place commas and start off with a capital letter.

>>He turned the chair around to face her(,) "I'm your best friend(.)"

>>hardly take care of yourself. there(There) is some bedding
After a period, the next sentence must always be capitalized.

>>I want you to be gone when I get up tomorrow morning(.)"
he(He) stood up just as she grabbed the door handle(.) "Planning on avoiding me forever?"
Do you see the pattern here? End your sentences (especially in dialogue) with the right punctuation mark, and always begin new sentences with capital letters. This happens in a lot of places in your story, so instead of pasting them all here, I hope you'll take the time to look through your story again and fix up the errors.

>>Another thing to work on (and this is why single breaks or using the indent tag to separate paragraphs is so important) is the switch of scenes. In a particular section, you go from narrative to the character's thoughts so suddenly that it really throws off the reader's mindset. Where does one end and the other begin? You want to avoid doing that as much as possible since it tends to frustrate the reader.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

You are a young writer and I applaud you for taking the time to submit your work in such a public setting like WDC. It shows that you hope to improve and I can only hope that my suggestions will help you a little. Despite the low rating, I'm giving you, do not take it to heart, but as an incentive for you to work harder on this piece. There is a great story in here. The hurt and pain between these two is evident and that really shows, but it all gets lost in the errors that fill the story. So take the time, use your editing tools (spell check to catch most of the capitalization/grammar errors) and do not forget to read out loud to yourself - that helps sometimes. You end up catching more mistakes that way. *Smile*

Thanks again for submitting your work. Feel free to send it back to me when you think you're ready for another review and I'll be glad to re-rate it. Good luck and keep on writing!


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C-Note Alley  (E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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259
259
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Hezza *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Malcolm and the Marzipan to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus].

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the article more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a fairly informative article about a company that seemed to begin from a mistake, and ended up becoming one of the most successful businesses in the country. Unfortunately, I have to admit I was a bit lost while reading this, seeing as I've never heard of the company before and couldn't really connect with the story as much as I would have liked. I guess if you're trying to reach an international audience, explaining a little more about the company would help. And maybe a little note on what a 'marzipan' is (for the benefit of readers who might not know what it means).

But otherwise, it was simple and straightforward. You want to be wary of being too wordy and boring the reader with extra details that aren't really necessary and you did a good job with that.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

I apologize for getting to this just now, but I've been terribly busy and I'm now trying to catch up. Hopefully the article did well with other readers on your website. Good luck with it! *Smile*

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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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Review of Dear Angela  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello tYpO/T.Boilerman and thanks for submitting your entry Dear Angela to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a short, sweet and rather...eh...interesting email from the narrator to his girlfriend. One that should have readers questioning his rationale.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt. Quite clever actually - different and interesting. *Smile*
*Check2* Not much details given here, after all who would want to go into the gory nitty gritty, but just enough to give the reader an idea of just how the writer 'took care' of the ex girlfriend.
*Check3* And the sign off? Hehehe, a part of me said 'run! girlie. run! while you still have the chance!' and then I remembered it's not actually real. *Laugh* Nicely done!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was quite an entertaining and fun read (in a morbid kind of way). Thanks for your submission to the contest, good luck and keep on writing. *Smile*

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Review of Clarence  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Chanon *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox  (ASR)
A monthly contest that focuses on Genre writing. CLOSED for the Summer.
#1092898 by StephBee - House Targaryen


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Clarence is a young man who is at odds with his parents and what society expects. His sexual preferences has caused him to become a stranger to a family that doesn't seem to care and a society that refuses to accept what he is. What decision will he finally come to after a life filled with pain and emotional despair?

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* Good opening paragraph - just enough to have the reader eager to know more about Clarence and his life story.
*Check2* You do a good job allowing the reader into the mind and thoughts of a young man in obvious suffering. Wow, I was almost in tears at the end of this. He sounds so alone and miserable (and since the events took place in the 90s, a time when the thought of having the disease and even coming out of the closet was not entertained as much as it is today), it's quite painful to have to read what he went through.
*Check3* I wish there was a bit more dialogue in this, but since this is a just a retelling of events that happened, it works well too.
*Check4* Tragic ending, but nicely rounded up, leaving no questions unanswered...besides our duties as humans to learn to be more accepting of those who might be different.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>his part-time job and his parent’s(parents') new generosity now
Since we're talking about both Mom and Dad here, it should be the plural form.

>>“This will attract the young university women, Clarence.” His father said
Change the period after 'Clarence' to a comma. Check out "A Guide to Punctuation for a guide to proper use of dialogue tags.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a well written story, one that touches all buttons and should make the reader contemplative long after the last word has been read. Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello IdaLin *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Pluses + Oooh, spooky and creepy story. *Laugh* That was pretty fun to read. The transition from dream to reality was nicely done and I was really hoping nothing would happen to our 'hero' *lol* One of the good things about the story is the dialogue between the characters, they not only helped to distinguish each character's personality, you made the interaction natural and not forced (considering the events that happened). Nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“That creep’s gonna try and sneak out.” he thought
Change the period to a comma. Secondly, when a character is thinking, it's advisable not to use the double quotation marks. Unless he/she is thinking out loud, then it's fine. Check out "A Guide to Punctuation for more information about quotation marks and how they're used.

>>“I need to check my bike’s oil.” She said
Change the period to a comma. Again, check the above link to give you instructions on dialogue tags and the use of commas.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a fun read (although I'm curious as to why some words are highlighted in blue). Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

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Review of Sanity  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello tYpO/T.Boilerman and thanks for submitting your entry Sanity to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: Susan is tortured by mean, loud-mouthed Leticia in her hospital room. Only Terence seems to care about Susan's welfare, however the doctor is able to give Susan the final (albeit temporary) cure in a twist that might be surprising to the reader.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt.
*Check2* I thought this was actually quite clever (although I sort of knew things weren't what they seemed at some point in the story *Smile*) but still this was a smart way of showing the thought processes of a woman suffering from such a disease. It almost makes you wonder just who Leticia and Torrence are. Were they friends? Are they dead? Who knows?
*Check3* And since dialogue made up the bulk of the story, I thought it was quite entertaining and helped to move the tale along. Nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“I suppose you just enjoy making me suffer.” Susan quickly returned.
>>“White, the room is white.” Susan declared,
Always use a comma in dialogue especially if followed by phrases directly associated with the words spoken. In other words:
"I suppose you just enjoy making me suffer," Susan quickly returned.
"White, the room is white," Susan declared.

Just like you've been doing with all the others in your story.


>>“What are YOU doing here.”
Missing a question mark at the end of that.

>>...She’s already vulnerable.
Missing closing quotation marks at the end of this.

>>“Thank you (,) Sister.”
>>“And who are your friends (,)Susan?”
To understand why commas should be placed there, check out: "A Guide to Punctuation [E]

>>“No(Not?) so good doctor.”

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece. I enjoyed reading it very much. Thanks again for your submission to the contest, good luck and keep on writing. *Smile*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Sssssh! I'm not really here. and thanks for submitting your entry The Lost Lady to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a short story about a young woman who finds herself in a hospital due to a dreadful accident. However, amnesia has set in and things once known are no longer recollected.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* You made good use of the prompt.
*Check2* Wow, you've definitely made me more curious now. This story seems to leave even more questions than before as the reader will be eager to know just who the narrator is and who the public figure is and why she has an accent and how did she become pregnant, etc. etc. See what I mean? *Smile* This seems more like a prologue and it would be interesting to see if you plan on continuing this in the future.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting piece. I found no spelling or grammar errors, so kudos. Thanks again for your submission to the contest, good luck and keep on writing. *Smile*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello ennazus *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Am I going up, down or nowhere? to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus].

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Now, I'm not quite sure of the format you were going for here, since the whole thing looks a bit haphazard to me. If this was deliberate, then it's fine - but be aware that it can sometimes be distracting to readers.

*Note*Content: Wow, what to say about this piece. It almost seems like you're disgruntled or frustrated with religion/faith in general and have decided to just...well take the reins and do what you please. You almost sound defensive at the end, as if giving the concept of religion a big flip of the bird. *Smile* It's admirable that you have such strong convictions about the life you have lived and how your death will be presented.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>....Why, would I do that you may be asking yourself?
I don't think the ellipses is necessary at the beginning of the sentence. Also delete the comma after 'Why' - it breaks the flow of the sentence.

>>Who cares what happens to me after my life is over.
Missing question mark at the end of this.

>> then I know that the life I lead(led) was good
Change of tense.

>>I don't condown(condone) others for their beliefs.

>>In the name of Integrety(integrity), strength and purpose.

>>my bible would end up being the most sot(sought) after book in the world. It could repalce(replace) the

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a rather interesting piece and one that might spark debate amongst others who might not follow your doctrine. Thanks for sharing all the same and keep on writing. *Smile*

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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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266
266
Review of Outback Honeymoon  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Ladyoz *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader. Nice use of the image as well - simple and yet quite pretty. *Smile*

*Note*Pluses + Wow, talk about a honeymoon to remember - nightmare and all. *Shock* I don't know how you managed to survive the night, goodness knows I would have bolted at the first sign of 'danger'. All the same, this was a very well-written story that focuses on attention to detail, pulling all the reader's senses in with sight, sound and even smell. The scenes flowed from one to the other and the character (besides you and your husband) you introduce us to is as lively as the frogs that made a home in the bathroom.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, you did a great job with this story and it was a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

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267
267
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Patricia Gilliam *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the essay more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Pluses + Very interesting and thought provoking essay you have here. The whole argument over 'Church and State', and 'Evolution vs. Religion' is a common debate that is definitely waged every single day - not just in schools now apparently. :( You've done a good job showing the reader the events that have made you what you are today and bring up some good statistics - quite chilling how no one seemed to 'budge' after the initial incident. That just goes to show how jaded our culture has become to violence. Sad, isn't it?

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet*the loud shattering of broken glass caused everyone on(in) our high school cafeteria
You are actually IN the place not ON it.

*Bullet* they shuffled him back to (the?) main office to stop the bleeding.

*Bullet*Looking back I really don't know how, but we were back to eating and talking again not more than five minutes later.
Hmm, reading this was a bit awkward. It did not flow as well as it should have. Perhaps you can try re-writing it to: As puzzling as it might seem now, we were back to eating and talking not more than five minutes later. or something along those lines.

*Bullet*The thought occurred (to) me (in) my junior year that I was around a lot

*Bullet*There didn't seem to be much we could (do) as teenagers other than (to) keep moving

*Bullet*to force us to learn a(an) unproven theory,

*Bullet*people want forced on an entire generation of us.
OR you could write:...people want forced on my generation. It's still understandable that way.

*Bullet*and I personally (have) never seen any great benefits from

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a good essay, although in the middle section, you tended to switch from one point to another in a rather aimless way. It threw me off a little. Thanks for your submission to the contest all the same. Good luck and keep on writing. *Smile*

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268
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Meg *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Pluses + Wow, this was quite emotional and very heartfelt, Meg. It's clear that this woman meant a lot to you and the fact that she's your sister-in-law...and a sister in every sense of the word, makes it even more poignant. My heart goes out to you and her family at this difficult time. We all know that she's in much better and happier place now.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thank you for sharing this rather personal piece with us. I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Keep on writing. *Smile*

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269
269
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello michj563 *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Intro-Bipolar Insights as journaling to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus].

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the article more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is an article that seems targeted to individuals with Bipolar disorder or those simply interested in learning more about it.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* To be honest, I wasn't quite sure if I was about to read something from a chaptered book or not. The way you introduce this, gives the reader that impression.
*Check2* The layout is clear and concise. Important points are well laid out and easy for readers to follow and understand.
*Check3* Despite this being an instructional guide of sorts, you still manage to share a bit about Bipoloar Disorder and how it affects those with it and the people that surround them. I especially liked the section where you remind readers that those with the affliction are really no different from anyone else, and hence should not be treated with kiddie gloves.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet*In your summary: Introduction to a collection of journal entries written by individualsGroup Therapy. I'm not sure if you were trying to conserve space hence the two words joined together. Otherwise, re-write as: Introduction to a collection of journal entries written by individuals in Group Therapy. (which might end up being too long) or you could write: Introduction to a collection of journal entries written in Group Therapy. Either one should work fine.

*Bullet*interactions seen in-group is provided thru the eyes of group members
Not sure why 'thru' is written that way instead of 'through'

*Bullet*This(The) ambition of this collection is to highlight the

*Bullet*regarding treatment and diagnosis of individual’s with
No apostrophe for 'individuals'

*Bullet*this disorder are best addressed by a Mental Health Care Professionals.(Professional)
You use the word 'a' which refers to only one person.

*Bullet*pleasure to be savored on a quite(quiet) night and reluctantly

*Bullet*We will be holding or(our) sessions in Conference Room B.

*Bullet*Successful, completion requires that all participants arrive
No need for the comma in that phrase

*Bullet*Please, turn off all cell phones, prior to the beginning of each session.
No need for comma after 'phones'

*Bullet*they are listed in the Information Packet provided by (a) Probation Officer.

*Bullet*prior session—at, the conclusion of each—
No need for comma after 'at'

*Bullet*They will be placed in your file as a permanent part of you(your) record

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was rather informative and I sincerely hope that program (if it is actually happening) is a great success. Thanks for sharing and good luck in your endeavors. Keep on writing. *Smile*

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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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270
270
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello A.J. Garofalo *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work The Writer to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus].

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between main paragraphs, however, you might want to do the same for dialogue. At least put a single break between each character's speech, so it doesn't become too confusing to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is the story (based off real life events it seems) of a young man who longs to write and yet cannot find the words to convey all that he feels.

*Note*Pluses + There's a lot of coffee being drunk in this story, isn't there? *Smile* All the same, I enjoyed the conversation between the characters - since that seemed to take the bulk of the story. It made it quite realistic. There was also a particular section of the story that showed me your ability to make use of imagery (I'd suggest using that a lot more in your other stories):

The autumn breeze chased leaves from under the picnic tables, while they watched the sun disappear behind the mountains.

That was a very vivid and picturesque description. Good job. Last but not least, Michael was a character that many of us can identify with - the role of the frustrated writer, who lashes out at the one closest to him/her is quite common. So that was nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

*Bullet*"Let it flow, write what you know, write what you would want to read." He thought.
When a character 'thinks', you do not put the words between double quotation marks. Unless he's speaking out loud. In other words you could have it written in either of these forms:
>>"Let it flow, write what you know, write what you would want to read," he thought aloud.
>>Let it flow, write what you know, write what you would want to read, he thought.
Note the differences and choose the one that works best with you.


*Bullet* Michael sighed and turned off his dell.(Dell)
'Dell' is a brand name hence it should be capitalized. Also, you might want to consider using 'Dell computer' - just in case there are some readers who are not quite sure of what you mean.

*Bullet*He sat there for a moment, wondering why this is(was) so difficult for him.
Change of tense. You've been speaking in the past voice all this time. Try to be consistent.

*Bullet*Michael clicked open the browser to read his morning sport pages before heading into(off to) work.
Assuming that his work is actually outside his home - 'off to'- seems more reasonable.

*Bullet*While the pages loaded he thought, "someday I'll write something great and be able to work in my underwear."
*points upwards" Remember what I said about a character's thoughts - only use double quotation marks if they are speaking aloud. Otherwise, get rid of them.

*Note1*Something I've noticed while reading your story is your dialogue errors, especially when it comes to appropriate use of the comma. I'd suggest reading through this to give you an idea of where and how they are used: "A Guide to Punctuation And just in case you're still not sure of what I'm talking about, here are a few examples:

>>"Sure, someday." He mumbled out loud and
>>"Here you go bud." Jeremy said as he handed Michael his coffee.
>>"Thanks, how was your weekend?" Asked Michael.

Revised:

>>"Sure, someday," he mumbled out loud and
>>"Here you go, bud," Jeremy said as he
>>"Thanks, how was your weekend?" asked Michael.

See the difference? This happens a lot in your story, so you might want to work on the rest of them instead of me pointing them all here.

*Bullet*The sequence of events in the beginning of the second paragraph threw me off a bit. The transition from sleeping to getting coffee was rather awkward and did not flow as well as it might have. A little more detail would really help.

*Bullet*Jeremy pulled his old ford(Ford) into MIchael's driveway.
'Ford' is a brand name.

*Bullet*His girlfriend Shannon would be over later,*Cut* he tossed his boxed supper into the microwave and sat to write.
Place a semi-colon between those phrases. Again see the use of that in the link provided above.

*Bullet*"Maybe I'll get an idea here he thought."
I'm sure you can see what's wrong with this section, besides putting everything within double quotation marks, 'he thought' should not even be a part of it.

*Bullet*Shannon drove into the dimly lit parking lot,*Cut* they went into the video store.
Again, use the semi-colon between the two phrases.

*Bullet*Michael stood there in bare feet (with) no shirt and the jeans he wore the day before.

*Bullet*I can(')t wait to read it and I'll see you tonight.

*Bullet*Michael will(would) become a writer.
Remember that your story is being written in the past tense. Be consistent with that.

*Bullet*"I guess I'll have to than(then)."

*Bullet*They filled their glasses and toasted to Michael(')s small victory.

*Bullet*It seemed like the last paragraph was rushed, hence all the errors that filled it while reading.

*Bullet*Last but not least, in your summary it should be 'A story I wrote when I had writer's block'. Do not forget the apostrophe.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting look at a writer's struggle to become a better writer - and since it's based off real life events, it makes it even more relateable to. Do not be deterred by the low rating and all the errors pointed out above, like you wrote in my forum, you want to become a better writer and these are just the baby steps one has to take. However, I'd advice that you do make the effort to work on the errors noted. I have helped you with a previous story and noticed you made no improvements as suggested. So with the time spent on this, I hope that the next time I pay a visit to your port, the story would read more better and I can give you a much higher rating. Good luck with all your endeavors and keep on writing. *Smile*

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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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271
271
Review of Crossing Over  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hallo GabriellaR45 !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Crossing Over on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a poem that chronicles the passing of the poet's father.

*Note*Pluses + What a sad and heartfelt piece and yet you somehow managed to make him seem so much stronger than he actually was. The imagery of being a baseball and comparing his passing to a ship at sea, was very well done and really put a vivid picture in the reader's mind. There was no clear cut rhyming scheme to this, but the flow was good and there were no awkward sections to go through.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, a very well-written piece and one that I enjoyed despite the sad subject matter. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*

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272
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello A.J. Garofalo *Smile* and thank you for submitting your work How to Guide for High School Drop Outs to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus].

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This is a satirical article that deals with the lives of those who wish to drop out of a high school.

*Note*Pluses +
*Check1* I know you didn't write this to make the reader laugh, but darn if I wasn't snickering through this. What a great wake-up call and told in such a straight forward way. It should definitely teach those young ones who think that school is a waste of time.
*Check2* The opening and closing paragraphs were strong, and you manage to drive the message home with some of the points you make in the middle of the article.

*Note*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>after all your(you're) an adult now and don't need to live by their rules.First let(')s discuss jobs.

>>you'll probably have to get up for(at) six a.m. still,

>>Avoid the lunch wagon *Cut* they're expensive.
(Insert a semi-colon in that section)

>>Most will allow you to run a tab until week(')s end,

>>Being on your own (,) setting your own boundries(boundaries) that(')s what it's all about.

>>usually one month(')s rent.

>>These are usually located in the downtown area's,(areas)

>>After all you did take the easy road..
(Delete extra period at the end of sentence)

>>You should be able to put together a few ensambles(ensembles) to get you

>>It's not like you're going to go anywhere fancy, right.
(End with a question mark)

>>You'll also need a decent radio, with television broadcast signals disappearing (,) and (with) cable getting expensive you will need some type entertainment while you're home.

>>You decided you don't need anymore summer
'any more' should be separated

>>Your neighbor(')s cable

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an informative and yet entertaining look at the lives of high school drop outs. It's not all that fun out there, folks (although you might end up getting a few arguments saying that at least it's freedom from 'rules'). All the same, good job. Just clean up the piece a bit more and it's no doubt a fantastic read. Keep on writing. *Smile*

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♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]  (ASR)
Need your poem or short story reviewed? Hop on in!
#1060262 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen

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273
273
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ShiShad *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Pluses + Whoa. Gruesome and tragic story there, eh? *Shock* But I thought you did a good job telling us the shocking events that took place, and yet you keep to the sonnet rules (and thank goodness you explained it all or I would have been hopelessly lost).

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was quite an interesting (and is this based off a true story though?) piece. Thanks for sharing, good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

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274
274
Review of Blinded?  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello mars *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – A rather interesting format you have here. I like it though, makes the message more poignant.

*Note*Pluses + And with the question you've asked in this piece, it's hard for those who have actually witnessed such things to say they can see a silver lining *Frown*. But it's still a reminder that we ought to take refuge in the knowledge that things will be all right in the end with hope and prayers.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks for sharing this rather introspective piece. Good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

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275
275
Review of BURDEKIN SNOW.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Meg *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader. Like the addition of the image as well. It definitely makes the piece more poignant to the reader.

*Note*Pluses + Well, for a moment there, I was sure you were going to be against the whole smoking and burning thing since it's a pollution hazard (and I won't even get into the whole protecting the earth and the ozone layer argument *Smile*) However, you do point out the good things about why the Burdekin Snow happens in an amusing and rather informative way. Not only do we learn more about the topography of a region of Australia, but we are privy to a farming practice that produces some of the goodies enjoyed by many. Very nicely done.

*Note*Suggestions:

Just one thing was noticed while reading:

*Bullet*Third stanza, Line 2
>>And your eyes will water and (in?) pain.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting and fun read and I thank you for sharing. Good luck in the contest and keep on writing. *Smile*

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