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1
Review of Missing  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! I can't believe you wrote all that without a single E! I don't even miss it! Great work!

The only sentence I'm really struggling with is "Synonyms and vocabulary must go rich and instantly blink." I feel like the "blink" bit should be or needs to be or is okay, but something about it seems off. I wonder if it was just something that rhymed and that was the best you can do. lol The rest was awesome!

"Stumbling across thousand roads is just normal..." seems a bit off to me. If you left out "a" in "...across a thousand roads..." because of the syllables, you could do "Stumbling 'cross a thousand roads is just normal" or even "Stumbling across a thousand roads is normal" or possibly "Stumbling across a thousand roads--just normal" as variations without changing the syllable count. *Wink*

One thing I've had others correct me on is that apparently, today's style doesn't capitalize every first word in a poem. Huh. Really? Well, they are wrong! *Laugh* Anyway, not sure if you care about "today's style" but that's what I was told. I've tried to stop, but sometimes I can't help myself. Poems just look better with every first word capitalized, IMO, right or wrong. *Laugh* But allegedly, it's wrong...in case you care. *Pthb*

I love some of your approximate rhymes like "normal" and "animal." I have such a terrible time coming up with approximate rhymes if I can't get a good sentence from the actual rhyming words. lol Well done!

My favorite line, despite my annoyance with what I think is a missing "a" is "Stumbling across thousand roads is just normal." Yeah, I'm a weirdo. *Laugh*

Nice poem and I'm so impressed with the number of words you put together without an E. Some people wrote very short lines, but you didn't let that lack of E scare you! Nicely done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of The departure  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi! I'm happy to be reviewing this for "I Write In 2021. Remember that this review is all a part of the challenge and it is only my opinion. Please use what you find useful and ignore what you don't. This review is given in love and with respect to you and your writing.

*CheckB* Overall impression and emotional impact:
I didn't get a sense of urgency until later in the story. I'm not sure if that's on purpose or not. The ending was really great, though! The primary issue with this, I think, is just proofreading. I hate to do it, myself, but it definitely helps. lol The rating reflects the errors, not your talent. I see by some of my favorite lines in here that you definitely have talent. *Wink* The typos just take away from everything some. But otherwise, you have a great bit of story here! Well done! If you decide to fix it and would like me to re-review it and adjust my rating, I'll be happy to. *Smile*

*CheckY* Grammar, spelling, and mechanics:
"When she got up early Anna didn't realize what time it was." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "early."
"Almost asleep she twiddled with her hands her wardrobe to take the first accessible clothes." Maybe you mean she twiddled with her hands THROUGH her wardrobe or something like that? I think you're missing a word. *Wink*
"A pink shirt molded her torso let her remember her twenty." I'm not sure if you meant it molded her torso, meaning it shaped it or molded to her torso meaning the shirt took the shape of her torso, but this might be correct if you said what you meant. *Smile* I think "letting her remember her twenties" might be more grammatically correct.
"With a shuddering click, she started up her car engine and left with an immense relief the locality forever." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "left" and "relief."

*CheckR* Suggestions for improvement:
"She sipped it completely cooled." This sounds like she's feeling cooled, like no longer irritated, now that she's sipped her coffee. I don't think that's what you meant. lol
"Albeit, her documents taken with her were very well organized." I don't think you need the "Albeit" here. It makes it sound like there's more to the sentence that was accidentally left out.

*CheckG* My favorite parts:
"With hazardous gesture she wore her denim trousers that seemed clean but full of shredding and dust." I love the "hazardous gesture" bit! That's great!
"She inhaled the fresh air and exhaled air that was trapped in her lungs many years ago." I love this line as well! So smart and creative! Wonderful word work!

Thank you so much for sharing your writing! It was a pleasure to review you. I genuinely hope you found my comments useful, but feel free to ignore those you didn't.

Good luck with the rest of "I Write In 2021! *Shamrock* It's not easy, but you can do it! You're already 1 entry closer to the end! *Party* Keep on writing! *NotepadY* *PenB*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi! I'm happy to be reviewing this for "I Write In 2021. Remember that this review is all a part of the challenge and it is only my opinion. Please use what you find useful and ignore what you don't. This review is given in love and with respect to you and your writing.

*CheckB* Overall impression and emotional impact:
I was hooked from the beginning and don't blame her for being mad. And seriously, what a jerk! He couldn't at least let her have a good night's sleep? Men! *Irritated* *Laugh* Good job!

*CheckY* Grammar, spelling, and mechanics:
“Okay then what you have to confess?”--I think you meant, "Okay, then what do you have to confess?"
"Now here we are."--This needs a comma after "now."
In fact the day before New Year’s Eve, I told my boss that I was giving my two weeks and then my uncle wanted me to work for him in America.”--You need a comma after "in fact" and I'd suggest "...and that my uncle wanted..." instead of "then."
“You resigned at a high-paying law firm, so we can fly to the states in order for you to clean up after drunken so-called musicians at your favorite uncle’s music rehearsal studio?”--States should be capitalized, I'm pretty sure, because it's a nickname for the US. Also, why is she assuming he's going to be cleaning up after them instead of hired on as the business's lawyer?
"You sold the house and divorcing me?”--I'd put "are" in there after "and."
“Then who is he?”--I think you meant "she" here.
“Yes, Helena, our male nanny, and he’s coming to the states with me."--Again, capitalize "States."
“Listen, Helena my dear. I’ll go downstairs to Dean’s room, and you can have the whole bedroom to yourself. Unless, you want us to pack and leave, I’ll text him.”--I think you meant for this to be attached to the speaking just before it.

*CheckR* Suggestions for improvement:
What’s so important that you have to confess that can’t wait until morning?--He only said something's been bothering him. Maybe it bothered him that her sister was drunk and fell on the cake and he can't get it out of his head because it was so expensive or maybe his brother and her bestie made out in the broom closet before the ceremony and that's why they were late. I wouldn't consider either of those a confession, necessarily, though the 2nd might sort of be. Anyway, I'd suggest she ask what is bothering him or what is keeping him up that can't wait until morning.

*CheckG* My favorite parts:
You really hooked me at the beginning of the story. Great intro. Also, you have a wonderful twist (I love twists), but you accidentally messed it up by asking who "he" was. *FacePalm* But still, nice twist most of us wouldn't see coming, if you didn't leave that clue. *Wink* Interesting and created story!

Mostly, you need to work on some commas and proofreading. I know it looked like I had a lot of corrections, but they were mostly all related, so it's not that bad. *Wink*

Thank you so much for sharing your writing! It was a pleasure to review you. I genuinely hope you found my comments useful, but feel free to ignore those you didn't.

Good luck with the rest of "I Write In 2021! *Shamrock* It's not easy, but you can do it! You're already 1 entry closer to the end! *Party* Keep on writing! *NotepadY* *PenB*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Dickin  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What an awesome poem! I love it! Thank you for sharing! I especially appreciate that you included a link to the story so we can read more about it. Honestly, I first assumed this was a dog from the Vietnam war or something. I do find it fascinating that the dog was wearing night vision goggles. That's crazy!

When I read the article, I also saw a cat had one that same award at some point. I'm definitely curious about that! *Bigsmile* Thank you for bringing such wonderful stories to us. Yes, they are also sad, but still, bravery is always inspiring and I appreciate it.

Thank you!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Bye, Dad  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Your story brought tears to my eyes. It was short, but concise, clear, and impactful. I'm so sorry for your loss! *Hug1**hug**Hug2* By my 30's, I'd lost everyone except my brother and some cousins. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I know it's heartbreaking, but I'm very glad you had the time to spend with him. Those will be memories you will cherish forever. *Heart* The last 4 lines were my favorite--very well done! And thank you for updating us on the ending. Even though we never knew your father, your writing makes us care and drives us to know what happened.

This is a very sad, but well-written piece of writing. Thank you for sharing such a personal experience with us!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great story! I totally think you should clarify that this is true, just in case someone isn't sure. You can even put that in a remarks section like in a dropnote (I can show you how to make one if you want/need) or I usually put stuff in light gray so people know it's not a part of the story--I do this with prompts and additional notes and stuff like that.

I think it would be a nice addition, if you remember, to mention what happened to each dog and give their name, again if you remember. Or at least talk a bit about the one(s) you kept. *Smile* Again, not necessarily inside the story, but as a note at the bottom or something.

Great job with the auction! I wouldn't have been able to pull that off because I probably would have cleaned out the glass. lol Not to mention, I'm not sure I'd have been able to think to do that. Sneaky one, you are. *Wink*

My favorite line is "So forget my knickers, which may or may not have been soiled, and enjoy." lol

Wonderful work! Keep it up! And thank you for sharing this terrific story!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I was looking for this link to send to someone and couldn't find it. I asked Ⱳƹ₿~ŴitcӉ and she sent it to me. *Bigsmile*

I would love if you made it easier to find this. I couldn't find a link on the awardicon page when I looked to (pretend to) order one. I thought it would be there since that's where the "Commission a Merit Badge" link is. *Wink*

Also, I've searched through the Writing.com 101 for commissioning a MB in the past and now for commissioning an awardicon. I couldn't find either of them. Perhaps see what you can do to make them easier to find in the 101 area? Along with the link, of course, I wanted better understanding about groups and levels and such because I was new to creating them and didn't want to mess it up. Instead, I just harassed other folks like WW for how they did theirs and why they did it the way they did. *Laugh*

Anyway, I like that the set comes with a ribbon, medal, and plaque. Good variety there! I also like that you tell us how much the cost is in US dollars. Thanks for that!

You talk about making awardicons for a group and I understand that it needs to be affiliated with a group, but some of us are a bit concrete thinkers sometimes. I can TOTALLY see me as a newer member thinking "Well, this is cool, but I don't have a group." Or even not understanding they can make a group just to hold their awardicons they commission, then use them on their contest they run. Basically, hand-feed us the ideas on ways to spend our money. *Laugh* When you say, "Let's say you own a group and you would really love to have an awardicon to represent it," I think it would be a good idea to say "...a group or a contest..." since this is obviously a perfect fit for contest owners...but sometimes we might not make that connection or, as newer members, may not realize that's an option. You want our money. Make it easy and obvious that we should give it to you. *Rolling*

We can make community awardicons?? I didn't realize that!! AWESOME!!! I'm really glad I'm reviewing this! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for the tip on how we can be the only one to hand out our awardicon! Again, some folks don't know/understand all the ins and outs of how these things work.

Not sure you will agree, but consider a note and link to how to create a WdC Will and what all we need to do for our stuff to be passed on/live forever here. (Good idea to do for the MB commissioning page as well...which reminds me, I REALLY need to do my WdC Will!!! And update my regular will as well. lol)

That's super cool that we can have the awards put on our item and even get upgraded versions. Uhh...the greedy side of me now wants this, even though I don't believe in handing out awardicons if unwarranted. Sure, I hand out MBs like they're free, but awardicons are different. *Wink* Though I'm now considering whether I want to get one for "The Whatever Contest...but what if the winner isn't ribbon-worthy? Hmmm...moral dilemmas on WdC...lol

I just discovered like 2 days ago that we can get a physical version of the awardicon! *Bigsmile* AWESOME! Though I had to dig around to find that it was a pin, like the MBs. You might want to mention that so folks don't think they are getting an actual pin. Sure, it might SEEM obvious, but I've been here for several years and I wasn't 100% sure, so might be a good addition to prevent disappointment. *Wink*

Great idea to include that we can submit something for a genre/theme for everyone to share, even if we don't have a group! That didn't occur to me! *FacePalm* (This is why you have to hand-feed us the info. Some of us are a bit dense. lol
I swear I wasn't like this before the explosion. *Pthb*)

Just checking--you have a physical MB as 32,500 and a physical awardicon as 35,000. Maybe that's on purpose, but I wanted to be sure. *Wink*

Great idea to include how to gift an awardicon commission. *ThumbsUpL*

Hmmm...an idea...I see the awardicons won't be visible to everyone, only to those who can give them out--kind of like that, kind of not, but will definitely make it less annoying than the 10k MBs I can't ever do anything with. *Laugh* (Says the person who owns like 1k MBs other folks can't do anything with. *Rolling*) What about a place where awardicons (and even MBs) that can be given away or earned are listed? So, ones that people save only for fundraisers or whatever, wouldn't be listed. But if someone specifically wants to earn my "The Contest Challenge" MB, they can come to my challenge through a link. Sure, we can click all the millions of groups on the MB page and ask each one individually, but this would be more convenient for us (says the lazy person lol). It could be set so that if the activity hasn't been updated in 13 months (for items that run once a year), it automatically gets dropped (through code so you don't have to do anything after writing the code) and if the person leaves WdC or they haven't been here in say, 13 months, same thing. (Or, Schnujo could create an item for all that mess. *Pthb*)

I love the big, bold, red words about making sure we are typing in the GROUP ID and not a forum one. It will still happen, but maybe less with that notice. *Bigsmile* Good luck with that!

That's cool that you let folks pick the color for the ribbon and lanyard. *Smile* I guess it's sort of like picking the color for the rim of your MB, except more limited options. But it's definitely smart to give the choices right there with the color and the name!

In #7, check that I'm right, but I'm pretty sure that should be "community-wide" with a hyphen.

In #8, you use the term "stars" instead of "asterisks." I'm torn. With all the foreigners, that's probably a good option, but it's not the right name and you do show what you mean in the parentheses. You could do "stars/asterisks" so folks know you know the name, plus you are educating the foreigners who aren't familiar or you can just ignore this suggestion. *Laugh*

Also in #8, you use the word "badge" twice. Copy and paste much? *Rolling* And what is the "(R)" at the end?

What? There's a 2.5% processing fee? Uhh...I don't get that. It's not like Visa is charging you for taking the credit card. I'm not digging that. I thought I might need one for my "The Whatever Contest, but I might need to get over the 2.5% first. *Sick* If you do that with MBs, apparently I was so traumatized, I blocked out the memory. *Rolling* And clearly I pay no attention to how many GPs I have. *RollEyes*

Also, it says the GPs are non-refundable at the bottom. Is that the 2.5% that are nonrefundable or the whole thing? Because I assume it's just the 2.5%, but it sounds like the whole thing isn't, except you said earlier it is if you can't make a design they like, right? Or if they want an offensive one and you can't get anything they like instead. I forget the rules for a refund, but maybe clarify that a tad.

Okay, sorry for all the suggestions! *Blush* I hope you find something useful. *Bigsmile* I know folks are very excited about this! Great idea! Good luck! I hope you sell lots!
8
8
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (3.5)
At your request, here is your review. *Bigsmile* Remember that this is my opinion and I'm not a professional reviewer. Take what you find useful and ignore the rest. *Wink*

I'm glad to see you filled out the genres! That makes it easier for people to find your items when they are looking for something along those lines. Also, if it gets nominated for a "The Quill Awards, it can also be entered in one of the genre category as well. *Bigsmile*

I see you have no restrictions on your ratings. If that's been working for you, great! I know when I first joined, there were a couple of meanies who wouldn't give you any feedback. They'd just give you 2 stars and that's it. I'm not saying I deserved more, but don't give me 2 and not say why. I found it very frustrating and disheartening. If you have that happening to you, you can change to "Rating requires review." Almost all my stuff is set to that. I say "almost," because I'm sure I have some items from the beginning that aren't, but you get the idea. *Wink*

I appreciate you telling us this is chapter 1. Did you know we have actual "books" that you can use for a book? Though if you plan to be super prolific, that might not work for you as you can't have unlimited book items, if I recall correctly. But a lot of folks use them for blogs. You can just write a chapter per "page" or entry, as the real term is. *Wink* That way, when the person wants to go to the next chapter, they can just click the arrows. Though I hear that when you edit, it changes the date. Unlike an item, where you have an origination date and a date for the most recent update. I hear books don't have that, I think? I don't know for sure. I never edit much of anything. *Laugh* Anyway, it's just a thought. Items are totally fine, but I would recommend you put all the chapters in the same folder and if you have trouble getting them to go in order, you can purposely arrange them.

I like that you mentioned you changed the name, in case anyone is keeping track. Cool. Does it need a period at the end of that sentence? Officially, yes. Unofficially, whatever. *Wink*

When you are creating a dash, use 2 hyphens. In MS Word, they will automatically become a dash. Here, they don't. Though technically there is some code for a dash, if I recall. I have no idea what it is, though. *RollEyes* Just make 2 hyphens. That's the official way to make a dash when you can't otherwise do so. *Wink* Also, I'm 90% sure you can put a space before and after or you can not, but I'm very sure you can't not do a space before and do a space after, which looks like what you might have done. lol Pick an option (or Google to see the right answer--I'm too tired tonight lol).

Great first paragraph! Very intriguing! I like it! I also like your chapter title here. It makes me look forward to the rest.

"Kids made fun of me and some forced me to do magic tricks, but only if they'd known I never did liked or was amused by magic." I find this sentence to be a bit problematic. First, she's teased and they "force" her to do magic, but then she says "...but only if they'd known I never did liked or was amused by magic." I think the kids would be mean to her, whether she liked magic or not. For that matter, if she liked it, she wouldn't be forced to and she probably wouldn't dislike the situation as much. Personally, I'd erase the the part after "magic tricks." Another option is to create another sentence. "I never did like magic." (I simplified it for flow.) Also, if you keep it like it is, that should be "like" instead of "liked." And it reads more naturally as "...if only they'd known..." instead of "...only if they'd known..." And why does she feel like time is of the essence? I thought that would be addressed in the next paragraph, but not really. Maybe she just hates to waste time? For a kid her age, that's slightly more normal...though not completely. lol But then, she's not completely normal either, so you know...Hahaha!

I like how you personify cholera with the words "cruel and ruthless." Nice choice! I wouldn't have thought of that, myself! But do note that "cholera" isn't capitalized. *Wink* Also, in the bit where her mom is dying, "...she pulled me closer and whispered...You have something more powerful growing inside of you..." She pulls her closer? We don't know that she's close yet, so why closer? Maybe she just pulls her close? And she has something more powerful growing inside her? More powerful than what? Maybe just powerful? Those are just my opinions from reading it. *Wink*

""Magic, Harley. You were born with..." she paused. The EKG beside her started beeping rapidly and my mother was gasping for air. Only a couple seconds later, the machine gave out a long, loud beep!" Well...THAT would super suck!!! *Scared* I can't imagine your mom not being able to finish her final words to you! Not to mention, such cryptic words? Definitely would suck! BTW, you don't need that exclamation point after "beep." In regular stories, you rarely use them unless someone is shouting. (Ignore all the exclamation points in my review. My stories don't have nearly as many. *Laugh* "I bursted out into tears and my father held me tight." Nice image. *Hug1**hug**Hug2* Though that should just be "burst." *Wink* "Soon the nurses escorted me out of the room and I was still devastated." The nurses "soon" escort her out. Just an FYI, they usually let family stay as long as they want...within reason. Like probably not 3 hours, but definitely not escorting them out "soon." Maybe "eventually"? Or perhaps her dad asks them to escort her out? Because why isn't she with her dad? Also, I don't like the word "still" in that sentence. Of course she's still devastated! Her mom just died like 5 minutes ago or whatever. lol And it ends with her wondering what her mom was going to say. Maybe. But her mom just died. Is that REALLY what's on her mind? Maybe. Or maybe that comes to her later like at dinner when she and her dad are eating in silence or when she's lying in bed pondering what her life will be like without her mom. Just thoughts...your current choice isn't wrong.

Harley doesn't know what her mom meant by magic and held on to that for years. But I think since I assume magic isn't a common thing in this world, she would assume she meant that she was very special, like every mother thinks their child is. Why would she think there would be anything more to it? MAYBE she wonders if she means she has a gift with words or a gift of kindness or some other gift. Maybe she explores those ideas. But I wouldn't expect her to spend years not having any idea what it meant. Sure, she'll never really know (or so we assume), but she'd at least have some theories. This sentence has some corrections. I'm capitalizing them for you to see easily. Don't follow my weird capitalizations. *Laugh* "On top of that, couple months after the funeral, my dad and I had a fall out." That should be "On to of that, A couple OF months after the funeral, my dad and I had a FALLING out." The next sentence, "...and he forbade me to never come home after four again." That means she HAS to come home after 4. *Laugh* I think you meant, "...and he forbade me to EVER come home..." lol She sent to her room for 2 days? *Shock2* HARSH! Was there some abuse? Was he always really strict? Does he just suddenly become strict after her mom died?

"I laid on top of my lonely bed and stared into the voyage of the ceiling." I love this sentence, but also have some issues with it. I mean, her bed would be more lonely if she'd shared it with someone previously. Maybe at some point at least reference her mom and her lying in bed reading stories when she was young? Or her mom sitting on her bed to braid her hair? I also question the word "voyage" here. I really like it, but am not sure it makes sense. See what other folks say. It's odd that I like the sentence so much, but also have several issues with it. *FacePalm* "I knew that if I had stared onto something for too long with silence, the silence would be broken with a yelp of tears. Yet I still violated my personal rules and ended up sobbing away into a pillow." GREAT STUFF HERE! I love this! "My face was eventually indulged in saliva..." Again, I like it, but am not sure I like it or something. *Confused* Your writing is definitely unique. *Laugh* I often correct things I like, but I rarely say I like it, but have problems with the basic sentence to begin with. You confuse me. *Laugh* Anyway, this might work if her face had been "wanting" the saliva and mucus (in a metaphorical way). You usually indulge something or someone by giving it/them what it/they want(s).

"I saw a the latest 1940 Chrysler Imperial parked outside our lawn." Obviously, you need to delete the "a" in that sentence. lol And usually people don't park outside the lawn. I mean, I guess it could be like parking outside the perimeter of the lawn, maybe? Maybe she just parks in front of the house so as not to make the reader wonder what's going on with the car. *Laugh* "I only got a glimpse of her face because she had on a huge straw hat that complemented her..." Consider maybe a wide-brimmed hat or something. "Straw" makes me think of a farmer's hat. I did finally conjure an image of an elegant straw hat, but it wasn't the first thing that came to mind. Don't make the reader stumble, especially over something so (I assume) unimportant. *Wink* "...unlocked my door and ran down stairs to get a better look. I stopped at the top of the staircase..." Uh, is she at the top of bottom of the stairs? I'm confused here. lol "Her face was well-contoured and her smiling lips were illuminated by a bright, matt-tinted lipstick." I love this description--especially the lipstick! Though it should be matte-finished, not tinted and "matte" has an "e." It might need to be "matte-finish," actually, because the finish is matte; it's not "done" as in "finished." lol (Ignore my hugely long paragraphs. lol I make 1 paragraph per your paragraph so you can keep up better.) "She had on a dark red richly-furred princess coat that matched her dark red heels." I think there needs to be a comma after "dark red" but I might be wrong. Also, I have no idea what a princess coat is. That might benefit from a bit more description. *Wink* "She just came in from England to our small island chain, Azores." She knows her own island chain, I assume, so saying "Azores" here sounds weird and forced. You can try just putting it in parentheses and see how that looks and reads. Also, isn't it "the Azores"? I'm trying to get to bed, so I'll you research that, but I think so. You can also mention earlier in the story that she lives there so you don't have to mention it. Or you can tell us a bit later, when it's more natural...just thoughts.

""What!" I thought." I think a question mark would serve you better here, but we can imagine it's also got an exclamation point as I think we'd all feel it. *Wink* You can also just use "what" (with the question mark) and leave out the "I thought" if you put the "what" in italics. Usually italics tell us it's what the person is thinking.

"Yes, thank you for coming. Now, get out!" I screamed in my head." This is another place to use the italics, but I do agree with your choice for the exclamation point. That way, you don't have to tell us she's screaming. We can see it with your punctuation. I REALLY like this part, BTW. I think it's totally realistic! I wonder about her feelings for her dad, thinking he's a scum. I would expect her to feel more betrayed and like he's cheating on her mom. That might be what she's feeling, but I don't quite see that through your words. "My father disguised his anger and mouthed, "Say something."" I 100% LOVE THIS AND CAN TOTALLY SEE IT HAPPENING!!! YES! Great work there!!!

"Great! That means you can sleep on the couch. Let me help you with your luggage. Is that all?" HILARIOUS!!! Again, LOVE THIS!!! I can also see this happening! Great work here!

""Uh.. umm...yes..but," Nancy stuttered." You don't need the "Nancy stuttered" because the ellipses show that she's stuttering. *Wink* BTW, those should always be 3 dots. *Bigsmile* If you want to be sure we know it's Nancy speaking maybe something like, "Nancy's eyes dart toward the couch, then to my father." We now know for sure it's her speaking (though I think we already knew that) and you have added something to the story--how she looks when this is said. *Bigsmile*

"Go ahead and help yourself with some leftover Mac n' Cheese. Just put it on the stove for two minutes." The mac n' cheese part shouldn't be capitalized, just like pizza isn't. *Smile* But I love this part and the part about the pots and pans being in the cupboard. *Rolling* I do think it's a bit much for her to say something about if she even knows how to cook, but maybe not. I also love the ending where she's saying to have fun doing stuff with her dad. *Rolling* *Rolling* *Rolling* But I'd cut some of that out--maybe the coat and wig part? Maybe the if she can even cook and the lipstick part? Basically, her dad would interrupt her if she spoke that long, so she needs to speak less if you want her to not get stopped. lol And I don't think the "I jabbered with sarcasm" is at all necessary. She's obviously jabbering and it's obviously sarcastic. Maybe she gives Nancy a brief smile, then lets the corners of her mouth drop to a frown? It shows us more about what's going on so we can picture things. It's just a suggestion.

I forgot to mention wherever it belonged, good job knowing that blonde is for a girl! (Blond is for a boy.) Well done! "...I could've heard my dad apologizing to Nancy." This sounds like she could have heard her dad apologizing to Nancy, but she didn't because of something. I think you meant, "...I could hear my dad..." I love the author's name and the name of the book is fun as well. I can see why she hadn't read it before. *Laugh* I'm sure I wouldn't have. *Pthb* But it seems weird that she's so angry, but then decides to read this weird-titled book she's never read before. Maybe she finds reading soothing, but she's read everything else? Also, where did this book come from? Maybe it was a gift from her mother at some point? Or it was her mother's book she'd squirreled away in her room because she missed her? Just thoughts...

Okay, very nice work! It certainly needs some corrections, but you have the start of a really interesting story here and you definitely have some parts that grabbed me! Nicely done! I'm not giving it 3 1/2 stars because it's not a good story, but only because it has so many mistakes. *Wink* But those are totally correctable and if you decide you want me to reread this later, I can rerate it as well. Thanks for sharing and good luck with the rest of your story! Perhaps this can be your NaNo project this year! *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello! I'm reviewing this for "Harry Potter and the Writers' Spell . (I'm in Ravenclaw. So far, it's not looking good for us, but we're having fun. lol)

I'm not a poet or much of a reviewer, so take my opinions for what they are worth. If you like or agree, great! If not, ignore it. *Wink* And if I accidentally offend, I beg the pardon of the Minister of Magic as it's not my intent. *Smile* Also, I'm aware this item is 14 years old, so likely you may not care to make changes to it at this stage anyway, but just in case, I offer my thoughts and suggestions. *Bigsmile*

I love that you used some Harry Potter spells in this--great idea! But for those mere Muggles like myself who don't have all the spells memorized (most people, I assume), I'd suggest either dropnotes or footnotes or something so we can see what they mean. You can just give the meaning or you can also give a link for those who want to know more. I looked up the 1st one and found this great link. Either way, I think the purpose of the spell really adds depth to the poem. *Wink*https://harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki/Summoning_Char...

So, the 1st spell is a summoning spell. Then you talk about her opening her heart and holding all that is lovely to herself. She is summoning it and that spell adds to that stanza. When people don't know the spell, it takes away from your creative genius. *Sad* This is beautiful and I love the added spell. If I wasn't doing a review, I wouldn't have bothered looking it up and would have missed out. Granted, things like Lumos and Quietus are pretty clear, but probably not so obvious for non-native speakers. *Smile*

There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or meter, but it's not bothersome. Nicely done. I love the kindness and encouragement spoken in this. Though I do wonder about some of the words being used so often. Are they overused--Lovely, world, true, self, etc.? I'm not sure, so maybe not. lol I will say that in the 3rd stanza, "farragos" takes me out of the poem a bit. The rest of the words are clear and simple (minus the spells, of course) and then you throw this in. That's the only word in the whole poem that I just felt didn't belong. It's the reason I opted for 4 1/2 stars.

What do you think about putting her name in bold in the last stanza, sort of making her like a magic spell as well? Just a thought. *Bigsmile* Also, if you wrote this for a contest (not like you can remember that now), it's nice to include that. I tend to put the contest and prompt in grey at the top, but other folks use dropnotes and others use footnotes...nothing serious, just things to think about. *Bigsmile*

My favorite stanza is the Expecto Patronum stanza. It's so encouraging, to me. And it's great for protecting against dementors. *Laugh* (I'm supposed to include references from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, if you're wondering what's going on. *Laugh*) But my favorite line, "This is not your father's motherland." WOW! I REALLY wish I'd written that! *InLove* EXCELLENT!

This is such a delightful poem! I'm really glad I ran across it. *Heart* Thank you so much for sharing it with us. You certainly are creative and have a wonderful way with words! I need to dig into your port more and see what other goodies I can find. *Wink*

Okay, I must be on my Firebolt broom and race off to my next review! Farewell!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Harry Potter  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi! I'm reviewing this for "Harry Potter and the Writers' Spell . I'm on the Ravenclaw team. It's not looking good, but we're having fun, so there's that. *Bigsmile* Also, to boost points, I need to include some references to Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, so don't give me a dementor's kiss for some randomly thrown in references. *Wink*

As with all reviews, take what you find useful and what isn't, feel free to ignore it rather than putting a crucio spell (which causes unbearable pain) on me. I simply beg the Minister of Magic to forgive me of any offenses as this is all intended to be helpful and not hurtful. *Hug1**hug**Hug2*

I found this link you might find useful. https://www.wikihow.com/Write-an-Acrostic-Poem

I like what you're working with, but it seems more like sentences than a poem. There doesn't have to be a rhyme or rhythm scheme to make it a poem, but it does need to flow. Maybe you can use the Aguamenti to summon some water to make it flow. *Laugh* (Don't lock me up in Azkaban for my horrible jokes. *Bigsmile* )

I like that you capitalized the first letter--many poems don't capitalize the first letter of each line, but for an acrostic, I think it's a good idea (or maybe a requirement--not 100% sure). Consider putting the first letter in bold as well, though not sure that will make it better. It might detract from the poetic look. *Think*

Consider throwing in more references. For example, the first line could read "He is half wizard, half Muggle." Though I also like "He is half wizard, half man." To me, really what is normal? *Laugh*

The 1st 4 lines tell us things about Harry and that's good. I like that. But the 5th line, the Y, doesn't really give us anything new. You name his friends, then say yes, these are his friends. Give us more about their friendship or their lives. Maybe, "You'll find them in and out of trouble" or "You can count on them if you're in danger"? That one rhymes with "Granger" in the line above, so if you do that, consider rhyming the last 2 lines in the 2nd stanza. *Wink*

I prefer the 1st stanza over the 2nd one because you keep us in their world in the 1st one whereas in the second, we are then transported to Hollywood. It's like the Apparate spell was used on me. *Shock2* But it's funny that I prefer the 1st stanza, but my favorite line is in the 2nd stanza. lol I really like "Potions and spells classes they take." To me, that's the most poetic line in the whole poem and so it's my favorite. *Bigsmile*

I really like what you've got here as a base, but I know you can do so much more with it! *Smile* Keep working on this. I can't wait to see what else you can do with it--rhyming or not. *Laugh* Good luck and thank you for sharing this with us! It's a fun poem and I'm glad I came across it! Keep writing and have a wonderful week! Now, I must take off on my Firebolt broom. I have other things to do! *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Harry The Wizard  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an awesome limerick and I love that you included your age. I have to write a review for the Harry Potter contest I'm in, but it must include ways to improve and I think it's perfect the way it is. *Bigsmile* Well done!

P.S. My name is Jody as well. *Wink*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is awesome! Thank you! I love how you are just jumping in with all this! *Bigsmile* Great image--thank you for making it shareable! *Hug1**hug**Hug2*
13
13
Review of Dismal Creek  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I assume you know the drill--I'm not a pro. Take what you find useful, ignore the rest. *Laugh*

As an older person, I'd like to advocate for the use of the #4 font instead of the default 3.5 *Bigsmile*

I like "nowadays" since you're talking about East TN. Good word choice. *Wink* In your 2nd and 3rd sentences, you use "trees" twice. Maybe consider "woods" for the first one or "branches" for the 2nd. "There is a lonesome and tainted feel to the place." Powerful! I especially love that you used "tainted" as a "feel" word. Great idea!

After you talk about the place seeming to fit the state of your soul, the next bit about there previously being a community there is a bit off in placement. I think you accidentally hit the Enter key. lol Also, I love that you through in that they sinned there. *Laugh* I mean, that is life... *Think*

THE PREACHER?!?!? *Shock2* YIKES! People ask, "What has this world come to?" But as you see, it's come to be about the same as it always was. lol But as a preacher's wife, I'd be extra humiliated! *Blush* He might need to sleep with 1 eye open...

Right before the mob shows up, again it seems like you accidentally hit the Enter key to start a new line...or need to hit it twice for an extra space between. *Wink*

Uh, so I get beating her and all, but let's not forget the men were totally willing participants...just saying. Anyone going to kick their teeth out of their heads? Typical. *RollEyes*

When you're talking about sitting by the creek and drinking, you mention the darkness in your soul. You've already sort of said that. Maybe something like "the darkness inside" or "the darkness that seemed to have enveloped me"? Something like that maybe...

The last several paragraphs need spaces between them.

Wow! Great story! I totally thought it was true until the part where you saw the cabin, then I started to question, and obviously, when Elizabeth was dead, I knew. *Wink* And you definitely aren't in prison using your precious minutes on the computer to hang out on WdC. lol Actually, I think most wouldn't even let you on the site, but whatever. Anyway, great story! I think the end might be more accurately punctuated with a comma instead of a colon, but maybe a colon is good. Also, I think the "can" at the beginning of your last question might need to be capitalized, but check on that. *Wink* Good job ending the quotation mark outside the quote, though. *Bigsmile*

Well done! I enjoyed the story! Fix a few things and you have a real winner here, IMO. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Trinkets  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a lovely collection of trinkets! Thank you for sharing! The only reason I'm giving this 4 1/2 stars instead of 5 is because the blue lighthouse trinket by Chris Breva is on there twice, but otherwise, this was fun and educational! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
If the title of the whole thing is Pygmalion, will there be more references? I feel like there should be, but they also need to give us an idea of how they tie in with the ancient character, for those of us who never read that. *Wink*

Like the last review, I won't be focusing on errors like, "But when, by accident, she read this strange message on a website of a sculptor who wanted to kill to make a statue, she was intrigued." That comma should be a period after "statue" because it's a complete sentence and "She was intrigued" is also complete. *Bigsmile* But because this seems to not be her log, these types of errors should be more carefully looked for and corrected.

This mentions that he's a sculptor. Did I misunderstand or is it just that she doesn't know more about him? I assumed he was not already a sculptor with works in his past. I thought he was just starting out. If he's already a sculptor, perhaps some mention of his history with that and how he's transitioned from being a regular sculptor to a murdering one. Perhaps it's because they say the stone has life and so a traditional sculptor tries to bring the life of his subject into the stone, but Dirk doesn't believe the stone has life and has found nothing but frustration in this concept of bringing the life of the subject to the cold, dead stone. He needs a cold, dead subject to fulfill his art completely, to have the stone be what it really is. Just thoughts...

What is the significance of the women being a blonde, brunette, and redhead if it's in stone? BTW, I know I'm not supposed to be focusing on this, but I'm pretty sure blonde with an "e" is for a female and without is for a male, but I'm too lazy to verify at the moment. I need to get to my day, so I'm trying to make this fairly fast. *Wink* Anyway, the part about them being ready to fall for him makes it sound like they are aware of the plan. Are they? The missing person's thing makes me think maybe not. Maybe some reference to that being play on words "...and ready to fall for me--more than they know." Something like that would make it more clear, if that's your intent.

Also, while I like the movement from the beginning to now, at some point I'd like more about the search for them. Why were they chosen? By their age, that's likely not their original hair color, does he care? Okay, maybe that part isn't as important, but it's true. *Laugh*

Does Bracken know anything about hunting people online? She's young, so she probably knows more than me, but is this going to be a bit of an online cat and mouse? If so, mention some of her background with computers and such so it's realistic that she knows how to search for him, but as previously mentioned, he knows something about hiding online.

Blogs often have a space for comments. Does his? If so, that might be interesting. Folks can be commenting that he's full of it and that makes him mad or amuses him. Some can encourage him and he can either feel encouraged or be disturbed that they don't understand the line he is about to cross for the sake of art and perhaps he even thinks they are twisted, not fully realizing how twisted he is. She can either just sit back and watch all this or she can also start commenting, asking questions in order to profile and identify him or his location. Maybe there is a cold snap coming and she makes a comment about the weather impacting his plans to see if he's in that region of the country. Does she want him to know she's after him? Does she pretend she's a fan? Does she act like a curious bystander? Or does she not interact at all? Does he get mad at some of the comments from readers and turn off the comments at some point? Does he regret it and turn them back on later?

Good bit about her doing research on computers and such to discover she couldn't find him that way. *Wink*

Okay, you wanted to know where to go with this. I've given some comments that might lead you to that. Also, if you've never seen the movie "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon," it's pretty interesting. It's a mockumentary about a guy who plans to be a mass murderer. There's a ton of preparation that goes into it. He has to be in great physical condition so he can walk without being out of breath, but still keep up with them while they run. He has to fix things at the scene like making windows not be able to open and potential weapons so they will break, etc. There might be some fodder in that movie, plus it's just a fun movie, IMO. *Bigsmile*

I get that you want to get to Bracken and the choosing of the victims fairly quickly, but I think we are missing some stuff--background, more about his emotions through this, etc. Maybe she's been reading for a while (or maybe he's been writing for a while and she just now finds it) and during that while, he's exploring all that, then when he gets to the part about finding victims, he goes dark for a while (or if she just now finds it, she sees he hasn't written in over a month when he was writing a couple of times a week or whatever) so she thinks he's abandoned the project for a while. Maybe she even goes to send the link to someone (a friend who wants to major in psychology?) this crazy blog she found and sees there's a new entry?

I think there needs to be some back and forth inside him, probably expressed in his blog, about doing this. Maybe he tries to explain to people why he has to kill the women and why he's not crazy. Maybe he even mentions that artists have a reputation for being mentally unstable, but this isn't the case in his situation.

He's apparently well-cultured given his references to Damien, Pygmalion, Elise, Dexter, etc., so be sure to keep that up. Perhaps reference artists like Edvard Munch (he painted "The Scream" and also has some great quotes about the need to be mentally disturbed for him to produce his art--perhaps Dirk comments on how he'll be able to create great works without the mental illness), Richard Dadd, Louis Wain, and Nicolas de Stael. There are also sculptors like Michelangelo, Franz Xaver Messerschmidst and Yannoulis Chalepas who could provide some fodder. I'm sure there are others. It could also be interesting if Dirk references a family member with mental illness and contrasts himself with them, leading the audience to a deeper understanding of how he's come to this decision. We need to empathize with him and see him as a man who must do a horrific act, but right now, I see him as someone who thinks he needs to do this, but I have no idea why and because I can't understand his motives or see his struggle, I think he's bad, not to mention, not very realistic.

One thing to consider is perhaps showing his emotional struggle with even what to share. In his blog, you could include in italics where he is thinking if he's sharing too much or he can comment that it's good that he's decided to remove X because it might lead someone to believe he's mentally unstable or because it might reveal too much about his location or whatever.

You wanted to know where to go with this. I definitely think you need to flesh out his thinking and reasoning. Is he a tortured artist or is this all not even as real as we first imagine? Maybe he's not even really a sculptor and we find this out on the last page. Maybe he doesn't even know he's not a sculptor. Maybe he's in a luxury mental hospital that allows internet access. Maybe he's writing all this as a cruel joke and totally knows he's not going to do it, or he just wants an excuse for murder. (I like endings with a twist.) When he murders the women, does he have any interaction with the family? Does he help with the search? Does he feel badly about all the government money spent on that when it could be spent on something else? Does he watch with interest, reading every article and clipping them out and scanning news stations for segments or does he not care because he's taken over with a fever for the art? I'd think more taken over, or at least feeling the pressure that he needs to work fast before they decay. Speaking of that, don't stone sculptures take a really long time? Is he going to freeze them? Has he not thought this through? Has he not thought this through but discovers the problem during his work? Also, are the 3 women 1 sculpture? Otherwise, it seems prudent to do them one at a time and finish one work before moving on, just my opinion.

I think it might also add something to explore how he's going to kill them. I'd think he wouldn't want to risk leaving marks or does the disfigurement belong as a part of the art? Does he research different methods or just ponder them? I feel like there needs to be more build up. As it is, with him picking his people on chapter 2, I feel like this is going to be a fairly short work, unless he picks them then works out all the details later. Maybe he picks 2, but can't quite find a 3rd that "completes the set." This one is too thin. That one is too pretty. Whatever. Help us feel his pressure and state of mind. What is he going through? What are his struggles with all of this?

I'm sure this isn't the direction you are going with this, but it would be cool if Bracken was one of his chosen victims and didn't know it. Why does he want everyone over 60? He could do a series with a daughter (Bracken), mother, and grandmother, though they aren't related. Or maybe that's part of the struggle, finding a set of 3 that are related, but all 3 fit his mold/plan.

Don't forget that most good stories have character growth/change. For him, I'm sure we'll see him fleshing out his plans, growing more dark, perhaps even embracing or perhaps being repelled by his own thoughts and behavior. For her, does she start researching mental illness, criminals, serial killers, criminally insane prisoners, etc? How does she change? Does she ever have any empathy for him? Does she ever have any curiosity for what he's really like or what is work is like? Does she ask him to post pics of his other works (if he has any--I feel like this is his first attempt from the background we are given, which makes it feel more false, IMO) and maybe she does that on the surface to see if she can track him that way, but deep down, she's curious about him as a person and thinks the art will show her more about him. Perhaps she's dabbled in some art, herself. Or she's a terrible artist. Maybe her brother is a painter who suffers from bipolar disorder so she has a special vested interest in this particular situation beyond just wanting to prevent the murders. It can start with a surface goal like that, but I think there should be depth. We all have more depth than even we realize.

Do they end up getting to communicate, as I'd mentioned before, through the comments section? Maybe she even gets him to communicate via email so she gets a different view from what is just on the blog. Maybe she wants to use it to trap him, but finds she's starting to empathize with him, not that she agrees with him, of course. Maybe there is drama between them--he starts developing feelings for her, or even vice versa (super complication lol). Maybe there is a fight and he cuts contact. If they aren't emailing, maybe he blocks her, but later regrets it (he misses her challenging him?) and posts to her in his blog in hopes that she is still reading. Or perhaps she pretends to be a fan, then finds herself with feelings more real than she was expecting from all the pretending and she finds parts of him that are good and desirable and that scares her. (We all have good and bad in us.)

Personally, at this point, I'm not too interested in the victims. I'm interested in him, his history and reasoning, his preparations, his inner conflict, etc. I'm less interested in her, but that's to be expected. She's not an exciting character yet--a young woman who thinks he shouldn't commit murder. Duh. lol But you can build our interest through her history and conflict and her interactions with Dirk. Maybe her uncle is in prison for murder. Or maybe her uncle is a priest. Or maybe her uncle has nothing to do with all this. lol But show us more about each of them and there interactions or lack of. Show us what they are thinking and feeling. What does it mean for the situation, for themselves, for the victims, and for each other? Does he believe that the victims need a peaceful death to create the right sculpture? Or a horrible one? Does this bother him? Does she feel better that he's planning on doing it quickly and painlessly if she's not able to stop it?

Okay, not sure if this is what you were looking for, but there you have it--some ideas of where to take things to some extent. I hope this helps. *Bigsmile* Good luck! Very interesting concept! Have fun!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Schnujo
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I'm writing this to offer some suggestions and to help me think about your project. It's very interesting. I normally do a bunch of grammar/punctuation comments as well, but will try to refrain here--partly for time and partly because if this is a log, some things like that are more acceptable and make it seem a tad more real ... so my laziness says. *Laugh*

Thanks for telling us who Pygmalion is. I'd heard of him, but didn't really know who he was.

Some of these comments may be addressed further down in the same chapter or in a future chapter, so if so, ignore them. lol I'm just writing as I read. *Wink*

Is there any part where he explains how he's planning to post this on the web without getting caught? Is he originally a uh, I don't know, but a super smart web guy who is just wanting to explore his artistic side? And why does he have to kill them instead of having them play dead? I think this is important for us to be able to buy into his plan better.

Who is Damien Hirst and that book (or quote)? Since you told us who Pygmalion is, go ahead and tell us who this guy is as well ... again says the lazy reader. lol

I know Dexter, but maybe give a tad bit more info for those who haven't seen the show. Great show, BTW. *Bigsmile* And I like the reference. *Smile*

What does that numerology mean? If this is going to be posted on the web, that should be explained because not every reader will have an in-depth knowledge of it. It might also be of interest to say why Dirk is using it. What is his history with it? Did he learn it from his mom? Was it something he picked up as a teen while bored and surfing the web? It might not be necessary, but some backstory can add depth to characters and this might be a place to put some.

I'm not sure over 60 is considered middle age. Depending on the organization, geriatric begins between 55 and 65, so middle age would be below 55 in most cases. Also, who are Daphne, Io, and Elise and why that choice for the stone? I assume the people are probably famous works of art, but I'm not sure they are famous enough to stand alone. Is there a reason he chose those 3? Perhaps in the explanation there can be more information given so we understand who they are. Perhaps they are even done by tortured artists, that might be of interest. And I feel like there should be/is a reason for the stone chosen. Maybe give a bit of a description of what it looks like when saying why it was the choice.

Not sure if you meant for a slight difference in font/font size (and/or even boldness) in the -----0----- Also, do those separate days this is written or what? I don't quite get them.

Since Dirk says he's never even thought of doing this before, I feel like there should be more concern about doing it, though maybe that comes later. I can buy that he decides he has to, but there should be some internal conflict about it that shows us he's not a terrible person, though he's confused and about to make some terrible choices. I think he can be conflicted about having to murder, but resigned to the fact that it's the only option, while excited about the art he will create. That adds more interest, IMO, and makes him seem less like a weirdo. lol

So far, very interesting concept. I like it! Thanks for sharing!
17
17
Review of My Hero Bled  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a very touching poem. Thank you for sharing! I know there are thousands of stories like this, but I hope this isn't based on a personal experience. If so, I'm very sorry and would suggest you consider putting a note saying so. It's always interesting to read where someone got their story/poem inspiration from. I put my info (including the contest I entered and the prompt) at the top and color it light grey. Other people put it in a dropnote. I've also seen it at the bottom with an asterisk by it. Whatever you choose, I encourage you to add details like that to this and anything else you write. *Wink*

One more general comment, there are a lot of older people on this site. I'd encourage you to enlarge the font to 4. A lot of people find 3.5 a bit small. *Wink*

Anyway, now on to your poem...It's a beautiful, touching story that is all to often real. When I came back from Iraq, I was told there was nothing wrong with me, that I was faking or imagining my symptoms. I didn't get treatment for several years until at another duty station when I finally found a psychiatrist to help. But by then, my PTSD was so horrible that I ended up being medically discharged. I still blame the previous duty station for my being discharged. If I could have gotten help when I asked for it, maybe I could have saved my career. Doh! I'm talking about me, not you and your poem. Sorry. *Blush* Anyway, now you see why I chose to read this when it's very rare for me to read things I see advertised on the newsfeed. *Wink*

Why did you choose to put this in blue? Just wondering. If you are American, not saying it's a bad choice, but I was just wondering. You could consider alternating the stanza color and putting one stanza in red and one in blue since the background is white. Just a thought... *Wink*

"bled emotions on the floor." This is my favorite line! Great job! Also, well done with your punctuation. I tend to capitalize the first letter of each line and have repeatedly had people on here tell me that's not the norm anymore. Uh...oh. I didn't realize. *Blush* Anyway, good job doing it right! *Heart*

My favorite line is immediately followed by my least favorite line, mostly because I don't understand, "Acronym, not a zero." An acronym is, according to Google, an abbreviation formed from the initial letters of other words and pronounced as a word (e.g. NATO, NASA ). Things like FBI, DVD, and PTSD are not acronyms because they aren't pronounced as a word. They are simply abbreviations. But even if I assume you are referring to PTSD, I still don't get it when I read the whole stanza. I assume you are saying that he's not just his PTSD, that there's more to him than that, but I'm mostly guessing. I'd suggest reworking this part, especially if my guess is wrong. *Laugh*

"Post traumatic stress took root
And burrowed deep in his soul" I like those lines as well. Good job!

"Unchecked trauma laid in wait" I also like this. *Smile* It makes the PTSD seem alive and like it's a predator awaiting its prey. Creepy--well done. *Wink*

"In his eyes he was still brave." I'm not loving this line. I think mostly the problem is that the line before says he slumped down in defeat, so I wouldn't expect his eyes to still look brave. However, you could say, "In my eyes, he was still brave." Even though he has given up, you still see him as brave. I think that's also a sweet touch and helps strengthen the emotional attachment we see between the speaker and their hero.

"Flashbacks - a challenge, it seems," You made a hyphen here. Officially, there is a way to make a real dash on WdC, but I forget what it is. However, the alternate, fully acceptable way to make a dash is to create it with 2 hyphens like this --. In fact, if you do that in Word, it automatically turns into a dash. *Wink* Also, you don't put a space before or after the dash. "Flashbacks--a challenge, it seems," would be the correct way to write that sentence.

"Ended pain came with a bang" is another line I really like. Well done! Though if this is a true story based on your experiences, I'm so very sorry for your loss! *Hug1**hug**Hug2*

I think "teach Jesus to overcome." is punctuated wrong. This line says that you are teaching Jesus to overcome. I think you are asking Jesus to teach the little sister to overcome. In which case the correct pronunciation would be "teach, Jesus, to overcome." There's a very important distinction between who is teaching and who is being taught. *Wink*

Again, if this is based on real events you experienced, I'm so very sorry! *Heart* But whether it is or not, I really appreciate you sharing! Thank you for your poem and for your loved one's sacrifice, if this is real. *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of My Confession  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey! I hate reviewing, but since this isn't very long and you asked me to do it, I'll review this for you. Remember that these are my comments/opinions. You might agree with some and disagree with others. Take what you find useful. Ignore the rest. *Wink*

Thank you for making the font large and readable! I hate when folks leave things in the original, default font. I can read it, but this is much easier to read. Good job and thank you! *Smile*

To make things look even more inviting to read, I suggest blank spaces between the paragraphs (like I have in this review). Your paragraph breaks seem to be accurate, so just put a space between each and you'll be good on that. That includes put a blank line between all the He/Me parts as well such as below...

He: - Why you take so long...

Me: - I'm sorry...

He: - Work again...

The most important correction is that it is his WEDDING day, not WEEDING. A weed is a plant you don't want in your garden or grass. Weeding means you are removing those plants, usually by hand pulling them out. This is his wedding day--very important difference. *Wink* Also, he is a groom, not a broom. A broom is what you use to sweep the floor when it is dirty. *Smile*

In the first sentence, you don't need the semi-colon (;). Also, it is THE wedding day. "Today is THE WEDDING (all capital letters used to show what I changed--do not put this part in all caps in your story lol) of that person (removed semi-colon) I love most in the world."

"He is looking adorable in broom's cloths." You might want to say in HIS GROOM'S CLOTHES. Well, the last 2 changes, "groom's" and "clothes," those are not optional. But you can use "his" or leave it out. You used "cloths." Cloth is used to make clothes. He is wearing clothes.

"He is happy and I am happy to see him happy." That is a very sweet sentence! *Heart*

"But I want to let this feelings go." "This" is singular, but "feelings" are plural. You can say "these feelings" or "this feeling," but you can't say "this feelings."

Your He/Me section isn't written traditionally, so I can't say 100% about the punctuation, but I think you don't need the dash...or you don't need the colon. I think use the colon, but not the dash. I really like this part, though. Normally you would say, "He said, "Why you take so long..."?" but I like how you have it set up. "He said" and "I said" tags can take you out of the situation, so I like that you didn't use them here. Great creative choice!

"He: - Why you take so long to come? I'm waiting for you. Told me how I'm looking?" I think that should be...
"He: Why ARE you TAKING so long to come? I'm waiting for you. TELL me how I'm looking." That should end in a period, not a question mark because he's giving the command to tell him how he is looking. He's not telling her to ask him how he's looking. He could also say "TELL me how I LOOK." Remember, I'm just using the capital letters to show where I made changes. Don't put them in your story. *Wink* Also, I am using the quotation marks to show what you said or what I suggest, but you chose not to use quotation marks in your story and I think that was a good choice. I like that you didn't use quotation marks when you and he are speaking. *ThumbsUpR*

"Work is more importance then my weeding?" That should be "Work is more IMPORTANT than my WEDDING?" "Important" is an adjective. "Importance" is a noun. They have the same meaning, but are used at different times in a sentence.

"Me: - I'm sorry..... I want to tell you something." This should be "Me: I'm sorry...I want to tell you something." Remember to erase the dash (-) after the colon (:). Also, when using the ellipses (...), you can either use a space before and after them or not. You didn't use a space before, but did use a space after. Pick one. *Wink* Also, there are only 3 periods (.) in an ellipses.

"He: - Now, But weeding is getting started in any moment. Is it importance?" Again, erase that dash. *Wink* Also, erase the comma (,) and add a question mark (?) after "Now." Other corrections are included here. "He: Now? But THE (or MY) WEDDING is getting started in (AT any moment is a little better, but IN is okay) any moment. Is it IMPORTANT?"

"Yes, it is. Can we, please?" Wow! That is punctuated perfectly! Most Americans probably couldn't do that. *Laugh* Well done! Those commas are a bit tricky, but you got them right!

"Ok. He told everyone to leave the room..... Now tell me, what is it?" We abbreviate "Okay" as "Ok" in text and such, but in a proper thing like a story, it should be spelled out as "Okay." The next part is weird. He was speaking, then he's not, then he is again, but your punctuation doesn't tell us that. I suggest just having him tell them to leave the room. "Okay. Would you all mind leaving the room, please? (Took out ellipses) Now, (added comma) tell me--what is it?" It's still not perfect, but I don't think you should add the "He said" tags because that messes up nice the flow you have here.

"You know that you are my best's friend." This should be "You know that you are my BEST friend."

Note that I'm not correcting all the ellipses. Make them all 3 periods and be consistent about putting a space before and after them or not.

"I'm happy that you've found the girl with you want to spend your whole life...
But on the other side, I'm jealous of that girl." First, I'd include all this in the same paragraph because it's all the same idea. And then it should say, "I'm happy that you've found the girl (erase WITH) you want to spend your whole life WITH...But on the other side, I'm jealous of that girl." The old grammar rules said you can't end a sentence with a preposition (like "with"), but new grammar is more okay with it. Also, she/you are speaking and people often speak grammatically wrong so it's definitely find to end the sentence with the word "with." *Laugh*

"Why didn't you ever think that we both could be more than friends....
Why only did I fall in love with you, why have you never fallen in love with me?" Again, I'd put all this in the same paragraph because it's still all the same idea. And you have a run-on sentence (2 sentences put together). "Why didn't you ever think that we both could be more than friends...Why only did I fall in love with you? (Added question mark) Why (Capitalize "why" since it's now the beginning of a sentence) have you never fallen in love with me?

"Don't say anything. Let me finish first.....
I don't know why and when I fallen in love with you... maybe when we fight with each other..." These should also be in the same paragraph. Actually, most of this should all be in the same paragraph. "Don't say anything. Let me finish first...I don't know why and when I FELL in love with you...maybe when we fight with each other." End the sentence here. And remember to change the ellipses when you use them, but you shouldn't use them so much here. People use bad grammar and sentence fragments when they speak. Since this is all spoken, you can get away with incomplete sentences. "Or maybe when I'm showing that I'm happy but only you knew that I'm not okay." Just keep this in the same paragraph and end this with a period instead of ellipses. Do the same with the rest of this paragraph. I think you should end this paragraph with "You are always there for me to share my every moment." (Again, I erased the ellipses. Most of the ellipses should be erased from this paragraph.)

Start a new paragraph with "You are the best gift that God gave me in my life." Again, I erased the ellipses. You don't really need the ellipses in the rest of the paragraph. Make everything a bunch of sentences ending with periods. And make it all once paragraph. Also, capitalize "God." You use the lower case "god" if you are talking about a god we know isn't real like the Greek god, Zeus.

"Thank u so much for being in life..." Still in the same paragraph and without the ellipses. *Wink* But don't forget to write out "you." You aren't texting. *Laugh* Also, you want to say, "...for being in MY life." (Not actually using the ellipses, of course. Those are to just mark that I left out some words because I was too lazy to type them. lol)

"Thank u for love me for so many years...
Thank you too for being with me..." You certainly do love your ellipses. *Laugh* I thought I used them a lot, but you put me to shame. *Rolling* But maybe don't use them so much. *Wink* And don't forget to type out "you." lol This comma placement is probably right, but I don't promise 100%. *Wink* "Thank YOU for LOVING me for so many years. Thank you too, for being with me." Notice that this is also all 1 paragraph.

"One more thing, if I ever need you, will you still come to support me......." This is simply a question, so end with a question mark, not a bunch more ellipses. Hahaha! But I really love this question here. It's so heartfelt. I can feel the girl's fear and anxiety. Good job!

"Of course... we are besties... I'm always with you whenever you need me...
We are always besties..." Again, this should all be 1 paragraph. And the tons of ellipses need to go. lol "Of course, (comma added) we are besties. I'm always with you whenever you need me. We are always besties."

"Me: - Hearing his answer, make my heart relived and I was seeing the beginning of his new life....
And the smile on his face was telling me that he is happy...." Some of the same things--get rid of all the ellipses and also make it all one paragraph. But you also need to erase the "Me: -" part, not just the dash. This was previously used to show us who was speaking, but you are no longer speaking. This is you thinking again. Start a new paragraph and erase the "Me: -" part. "Hearing his answer (erased the comma) MADE (past tense because this story happened already) my heart FEEL RELIEVED (or RELIEVED MY HEART--you said RELIVED which means to live again) and I was seeing the beginning of his new life. And the smile on his face was telling me that he is happy."

"Today I ended my one-sided love, but it showed me how important our friendship is to him....
I love you my besty, forever and ever......" Again, make this all one paragraph and get rid of all the ellipses. Just make them 2 sentences. *Smile*

What a sweet ending! *Heart* If this is a true story, I'm glad it had a happy ending. *Hug1**hug**Hug2* This is a thoughtful story that makes me worried for the girl. Well done! I should care about what happens to her! *Wink* I'm very happy this story had a happy ending! *Heart*

If you were a native speaker, I'd probably give this 3 stars, but I think you are not a native English speaker, so I give you an extra star for your ability to speak a foreign language so well...even if you make mistakes. *Bigsmile*

Keep up the writing! I think it's hilarious that you love ellipses as much (or more) than I do! Hahaha! You have to learn to control them, but they are a great piece of punctuation and I love to use them. *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Dragon Eggs  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Cool raffle idea! Good luck! How awesome of you to share the GPs!

I'd recommend making the font at least size 4 or since your fundraiser page is so short, maybe even 4.5 to make it easier to read. Also, for interest, consider making the top part, down to the timer, bold.

You do realize that most raffles are 500 or 1000 GPs per ticket, right? 100 is very low. Not saying it's a bad idea, but just that you might not make as much if people are planning to X number of tickets rather than spending X amount of GPs. I buy tickets for people, regardless of the cost. Consider making them at least 250, but 500 and 1000 are normal. *Wink*

It looks like you are hand numbering. You know you can get it done automatically. *Bigsmile* I think this will work...


{dropnote:"Nest Stones Gathered"}
Stone Markers with Helpers' Names
{list:1}

{/list:1}
{/dropnote}


Put the names in that blank space below list:1. On the next one, put list:2 and /list:2, then list:3 and /list:3. If you don't do that, the count will continue from the first group to the second, etc.

Also, just making sure you know that if someone orders eggs and doesn't do the double braces thing to make your life easier, you can click Edit on their post, then copy the names from there with the ML so you don't have to write every single name again. *Wink*

Also, consider an extra space between the price and the list of eggs as well as the last egg and the part about how to post so that the eggs are more obviously in their own group.

Good luck!
20
20
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Howdy! I saw your newsfeed post and thought I'd come give you some feedback. Remember, this is just my opinion. Use what you find useful and ignore the rest. *Wink* I'm using https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/subject_specific_writin... as my reference. There are a few different ways to do things, but Purdue is well-respected and I believe using their format won't steer you wrong. I'm specifically speaking of the formatting of the address and closing and the lack of date.

First, there are (as far as I know) 2 most commonly used types of letter formats (though Purdue shows a 3rd format as well) and you aren't adhering to any of them. lol Check the bottom of the link I posted above to decide which you prefer, but I'd recommend including the business's address so it looks less like a form letter. Yes, you'll have to retype that part (and triple check that you send the right letter to the right company), but you don't want to give the impression you sent this to hundreds of companies. You want it to appear you specifically selected this company.

Speaking of specifically selecting "this" company, I'd consider doing a bit of research on each company to know a tad about their philanthropic tendencies as well as their focus and general company values. Mention at you have read that they especially like to focus on giving money toward helping students learn about science or that they believe everyone should care about the environment and you respect their efforts towards becoming a zero waste company. Whatever. Show that you know about the company and you are specifically asking them for money because you believe what you are trying to do lines up with their goals. It's not all about you (or, technically, your son lol). Make it about the company and how your goal of sending your son (or since this is supposed to be from him how his goal of going to FL) lines up with their social, environmental, philanthropic, etc. goals.

"To whom it may concern" seems very cold. You want them to feel bonded to you...or at least to feel something warm for you. If you aren't sure who you are addressing, I'd suggest simply Dear Sir or Ma'am.

"My name is William Evans, I am in 7th grade at Wendler Middle School..." That should be a period (or at least a semi-colon, but I'd go with a period) after his name. Those are 2 complete sentences.

Unless you are sending this to companies in foreign countries (which I wouldn't recommend) you don't need to specify that you are speaking in US dollars. Even for "foreign companies," they almost always have a U.S. based office, which is what you would be sending this to, so I don't think there is a need for specifying that you need US dollars. My only thought on this is if you are concerned that a disturbing number of people think AK is not a state. There are a few thing you could do about this.

1. Just have the address as AK instead of Alaska because a lot of people think it's Arkansas, as I'm sure you know. Maybe they won't even realize you are in Alaska.

2. Have a short (3-5) bullet point info area about AK including that it's a state or perhaps, so you don't offend them by suggesting they are stupid and don't know this (in case they do and don't realize it's not common knowledge), post a percentage for the number of people who don't know it's a state. Maybe include that it's over twice the size of TX. Most folks don't realize this. Maybe include that because of how many US maps show Alaska and Hawaii in the lower left corner, many people don't realize AK is above the continental US and between Russia and Canada. Consider including that residents sometimes have trouble getting stuff shipped to them because many people don't realize it's a part of the US and their company doesn't ship overseas. Whatever you want to include, you can then end this section with a statement about wanting to learn about Florida, the farthest US state away from you. (I assume it is. I haven't actually measured, so HI might be farther, but since so many AK folks go to HI, I assumed FL was farther.) Or maybe say something about FL being such a different place compared to where you live, that you want to experience it to see what others find "normal." lol

3. You could skip the bullet point info on AK and just say that while Alaska was the 49th state admitted to the United States, it's unique weather, wild life, geographical separation make it something entirely different from the rest of the US and this would be an excellent opportunity to experience something that most of the US considers to be fairly "typical"--Florida.

"I was wondering if your company would like to donate for me to be able to go on this trip." I don't really like this sentence. Consider something stronger. Maybe something like "Having the opportunity to travel X miles from home is expensive, but because your company believes in (or supports or whatever, then include something specific to them and why you chose them) providing youth with scientific opportunities they wouldn't otherwise have I knew you would be interested in hearing about my once-in-a-lifetime chance." Something like that.

"The trip will include such things as lunch with an Astronaut. A day of learning at Kennedy Space Center. Helping clean the beaches of debts and ocean pollution." First, you are helping clean the beaches of debris, not debts. *Laugh* But also, except the first and last sentences, the entire rest of the paragraph includes just phrases and incomplete sentences. I'd suggest an intro to what types of activities or what they are targeting for your first sentence. Maybe something like, "This trip to Florida will include all sorts of types of science including astronomy, ecology, physics..." Blah, blah, whatever else you all are doing. Then tell a few of the things you are doing, but be sure to include each as a full sentence...or all as 1 long sentence, but I don't recommend that. Consider things like, "The thing I'm most excited about is having lunch with an astronaut (no need to capitalize that word) and getting to spend a day of learning at Kennedy Space Center. It will be exciting to help clean some Florida beaches of debris and ocean pollution because, though my town is on the ocean, I'm sure Alaska's beaches are very different from Florida's beaches. We will be spending time at De Soto State Park exploring the Everglades. I know that wetlands are an important part of our planet's health and look forward to learning more about them. One of the most unique opportunities we will have is going to Disney's Magic Kingdom to learn about becoming a theme park scientist--a job I didn't even know existed.

When you close, I'd reiterate how your hopes to go lines up with their company's philanthropic goals or mission statement or whatever and tell them they can speak to you (the son) or your mom (who I assume I'm actually writing this to) if they have further questions about the experience or donating. You also didn't give them any means for donating except to send a check directly to you, which they will likely not want to do with no proof that this is real. Maybe include the link you posted here? Of course, that means you'll only get the exact amount you need, nothing extra, as I'm sure you are hoping for. Maybe see if you can find other options...maybe set up a Go Fund Me or something? I don't know. Whatever. Just think about how else you can make them feel comfortable about sending you money without necessarily limiting it to the exact amount, so he can have some extra spending money.

An extra suggestion is including a picture of him (probably on a separate page so as to not spoil the official look of the business letter). If they see his adorable face, they will feel more connected. Maybe have him holding a poster board saying something like "Florida Bound" or "Future Scientist" or "Thank You" or something like that. Or even create a whole 2nd sheet as like a thank you/advertisement. In the center have a pic of him holding "Future Scientist" or something, then around have things like an outline of FL, the NASA symbol, a physics equation from a roller coaster ride, etc. and "Thank You" written around in various areas in full color.

I didn't realize this was in 2021. I was previously asking about refunds if they money isn't all collected because I thought it was a lot of money to get in such a short period of time. But now that I see he has like a year, I'm no longer concerned. *Smile*

Good luck! You can do this!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
for entry "~ Basic Training ~
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Thank you for sending me this to read and review. While I hate reviewing, I do love and and I love the Army, so I'll do it. *Bigsmile*

Interestingly, I swear I didn't know you were in the military. Did I know this and just forgot? Totally possible, but I'd feel bad if that was the case. Then again, I forget most of the vets on here. I think I can name like 2, but I know way more have told me. I hate that. I WANT to remember who is a vet! Stupid explosion making me forget things super important to me! *Pthb* Anyway, feel free to remind me later if/when I forget again and thank you for your service! *Heart* *Hug1**hug**Hug2* *Heart*

I love when folks post what contest they are writing something for! Though I regret not also typing out the name in case the owner later makes the contest Private. What was the prompt on this? Was it just to talk about your Basic Training experiences? Seems like that's a bit narrow. I tend to post the prompt...and any special rules like I can't use a word that has the letter R or I can only use visual descriptions or it can't be longer than 500 words or whatever so that the reader understands why I made some of the choices I did. I hate when they are like, "You shouldn't use the word (fill in the blank) because no one knows what it means." Well, I had to. It was in the rules, so there. *Pthb* *Laugh* Anyway, just my opinion...this doesn't impact your rating. *Wink*

"I did some research and discovered one of the best background training for beginning that pursuit was Medical Lab Tech." That should be "...one of the best background trainings..." I did look it up, just to be sure. *Wink* When I'm not sure and haven't gotten to Google yet (or am too lazy to), I simplify the sentence. "...one of the best trainings..." If that doesn't help, I substitute a word that I am sure of. "...one of the best dogs..." Yep, should be "trainings," though spellcheck disagrees. That's why I went to Google to make sure I just didn't know that "training" didn't have a plural. It does when it is a countable thing and to me, since there are different types of training to choose from, they are countable...thus trainings. *Bigsmile*

On an unrelated note, I went at 34. Sucked, huh? All those babies running around telling everyone to grow up...*Rolling*

It's funny that you remember having moment of realization that you'd signed your life away. I, on the other hand, remember lying in bed at my first duty station with a giant smile on my face thinking, "They let me be a Soldier! SUCKERS!!!" *Rolling* I was just so proud and excited. But then, I'd wanted to join most of my life. You made a faster decision (like it didn't take you 15 yrs. to finally get signed up) so that may be the difference in our reactions. lol

"For the next couple years, I would be told when to get up, when to eat, when to go to bed." I did some digging to be sure I was right (which is why I hate reviewing--it takes too long to do all the research to be sure I'm right), but this should be "For the next couple of year..." Yes, you can just say "couple years," but it's considered informal and since this is for a contest, I think you should include the "of." Now, if it were a part of dialogue, by all means, drop that "of." *Wink* As for the rest of that sentence, it seems weird to me. You list 3 things without an "and" or "etc." or anything. It seems strange to me. Personally, I'd add "etc." at the end because putting "and" between the 2nd and 3rd items suggests that's all you were told what to do. But it's personal choice. I assume most folks know it's not that simple...I assume. *Wink*

Funny that you mention the difference in adjusting between the younger folks and you. When I was at Officer Candidate School (which I couldn't graduate because I was injured, so I ended up enlisted), I noticed that the people that came from college to the Army (which required us to go to Basic before OCS so if we couldn't graduate, we were still in the Army--only service that does that, as far as I know) anyway, those folks straight from college dealt much better with all the ridiculous rules and pickiness of training because they'd just come from Basic which was also just a bunch of ridiculous rules and pickiness. But they did quite poorly in the time-management part and generally getting stuff done because they didn't know all the tricks or what was truly valued. But those who had been in and were going from being enlisted to being officers, they really struggled with being treated like trainees again and sometimes quit, not recognizing that it was just a temporary bit of insanity that would lead to a much better career in the end. Yet, they thrived in the time-management and getting stuff done parts.

In Basic, I found that the older but not oldest folks, those in their late 20's fared the worst mentally. The 18-year-olds didn't mind being bossed around as much as them, but the old folks like me took it all as a game, just something to be played, not taken personally. The drill sergeants used to make fun of my name regularly. Whatever. I don't care. They did it to the 19-year-old guy and he took it fine as well. But when they did it to the 28-year-old, she broke down in tears. Seriously?!? It's not a big deal. That age group tended to also struggle the most with things being stupid. I figured it's supposed to be stupid. People are stupid. Just listen, do your best, and you'll graduate and move on. Other folks in the middle ages (Hahaha!) just couldn't deal as well, trying to make things make sense. Trying to reason things out. Don't bother. Part of the stress is that you don't understand. THAT is the reason--to stress you out because you don't understand. Just do it. lol

I LOVE your "God First" section where you wrote verses in your USAF manual! Awesome! Were there any times you were afraid you'd get caught and get punished? If so, consider adding that. I think it adds to the "God First" theme of that part because you were willing to risk punishment.

The job training after our Basic Training was called AIT (Advanced Individual Training). They always said folks found God in Basic and lost Him in AIT because if you didn't go to church in Basic, you had to stay and clean, plus folks just tended to turn toward Him in the times of stress. But in AIT there was more freedom so those little 18-year-olds just lost their minds. *Pthb* I remember one of my instructors telling me that I needed to get out of the barracks more and enjoy my freedom while I could (before I graduated and left). To me, I was there to learn and study, so I did a lot of that. I was #1 in my class. When I went out one weekend, we had a quiz the next Monday and I got an 89, dropping me to #3. I was so angry at myself...and at the instructor who told me to enjoy my time there.

Sorry...this is a review of your story, not a time to reminisce. FOCUS, SCHNUJO! *Headbang*

"If they happened, we were to leave the short chain and key with the sergeants." Should be, "If THAT happened..." Those chains sound like our dog tag chains. Except we weren't allowed to keep our keys on them. They broke too often during training.

I like the story about folks being told not to take the chains off their necks, but the drawers being so low. I bet that was a favorite moment of every drill sergeant every cycle. *Laugh*

"Well, I another thing I can't remember is if the position I am about to write about was actually called "Academic Monitor" or what." I assume you caught that extra "I" that shouldn't be there. *Wink*

"(I am not sure how I got that position but I did. I bet I volunteered. LOL" You forgot to end your quotation marks. *Wink*

I like the story about the study sessions. Good for you for now bowing down to their complaints! Congratulations on everyone passing and on your ribbon or whatever. Woohoo!

I'm really enjoying reading this, BTW. *Bigsmile* It's fun to see what other people's experiences were like.

Interesting that they gave you a different blanket. I guess we were all okay with wool...you know, it itched and was annoying, but nothing serious, thankfully. But that certainly sucked for you! I was told to deny all allergies, but I was allergic to latex. By the time I confessed it, I was already at Basic and they just accepted it. lol My recruiter was right. They didn't send me home at that point.

Our barracks were also bugged. I guess some things never change. *Laugh*

That REALLY SUCKS if you lost Honor Grad because of that one thing! SO SORRY! Yeah, I would have been really upset, myself! (I review as I read, so I don't know the ending yet. lol)

"Anyways, I so wanted to receive Honor Grad, I was tempted to ask for it in Jesus' Name but I knew that was not the thing to do." That should be "anyway." "Anyways" is slang and generally should only be used in dialogue (or in your blog if you aren't submitting it to a contest *Laugh*). "Name" doesn't need to be capitalized here...or in the next bit. That isn't part of His name. *Wink* Though I'm not sure what you mean here. Do you just mean ending your prayer with "...in Jesus' name"? I don't think it works like that. (Totally my philosophical view--nothing that will impact your rating.) Those aren't magic words. I believe that praying in His name refers to asking for things that are in God's will. If it's His will, you will be given it. Like asking God to bless your food, that's probably in His will, so asking it in Jesus' name will most likely make it so. But asking for something that isn't in His will won't do anything, even if you say "...in Jesus' name." But I do totally respect your attitude about praying for being Honor Grad! I probably need to add in more about if it's HIS will when I ask for stuff. I need to be more open about accepting Him not doing something because it's not the right choice in the big picture, even though it seems perfectly obvious to me that it's the right thing. *Blush* And very good point about Jesus having restraint in the desert. Yeah, I need to do that more...have restraint, I mean. Good points made and thank you!

That is really cool that you could see yourself being given Honor Grad! I'm not sure I've experienced that before. Interesting!

"I ended up in tears because of some folks who had gotten really upset about me getting the ribbon when she did not." I'M SO SORRY!!! How horrible! I'm glad she was gracious about it, but people can be so mean! *Hug1**hug**Hug2*

Thank you for sharing this! I really hope that you do write down more for your kids and grandkids. I wish I had stories about my father in the military. He died when I was 14 (not military related...that I know of) and since he'd gotten out before I was born (he was 40 when I was born), I never heard any stories. Now it makes me sad. DEFINITELY WRITE MORE DOWN FOR THEM!!! *Bigsmile*

Anyway, the 4 star rating is for the grammar dings, not for a difference in philosophical belief or the fact that you were in the Air Force instead of the Army. *Rolling* I do appreciate you sharing your stories. What fun! Thank you! *Hug1**hug**Hug2*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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for entry "~ Am I A Writer? ~
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I've never done a review for a blog post. There goes my comments on characters and setting and such. *Laugh*

I appreciate and respect that you turn to God when you need answers. I need to do that more. But I also respect your ability to question yourself about whether the answer is from God or from you. I think that's a very valid question that is extremely important to ask, yet equally (if not more) difficult to answer.

I think it's interesting that you ask God what to do and He says "Write." But then you ask yourself what you want to write. Admittedly, this is a recollection of how things go, not a video, so perhaps you did ask Him. But I also think that while many folks ask God what to do, once we think we have an answer, some of us don't press Him for further details. We just set about doing it our way. This probably isn't ideal. Then again, at what point does He say, "Stop asking Me questions! Just do it!" I just don't know. *Laugh*

It's sweet that you wanted to write something meaningful and useful for others. You're so wonderful! *Hug1**hug**Hug2*

Alright, this is a review, so "I also had worked a Twelve Step program..." That seems a tad awkward to me. I think "I had also worked..." sounds more natural. Normally, in a blog I wouldn't think twice about it, but you asked for a review, so there you have it. lol

Side note about the washing cup story, I always wash the outside of my cups first. *Laugh* Also, apparently I need to read my Bible more because I certainly don't recall this story. Whatever. No surprise. Bad Schnujo!

I like that you turned to Google for inspiration to pursue your dream. Awesome! But who was this mysterious WdC member?!? Inquiring minds want to know! I mean, I probably don't know them, but still, I want to know who we have to thank for you being here! You, know, besides thanking God, of course. *Wink*

"He just encourage me to join a community..." That should be "encouraged."

It's awesome how you hadn't even mentioned writing and he said to join WdC! Or...was it "He" who said to join it. *Think* You know they say about God speaking to us through others... *Wink*

That's super awesome that you wrote a psalm! *Heart* And also awesome that you got that e-mail. I don't know that we still get that anymore. Then again, I have a TBI and it was a lot worse when I uploaded my first item, so I shouldn't say for sure, but I don't think so. Do you still have that e-mail? It's cool that you posted a pic! *Smile*

Well done! I enjoyed reading that and it gives me some fun/interesting insight into you, your past, and how blessed we are to have you here! Thank you for sharing! *Hug1**hug**Hug2*

The slightly lowered rating is for the awkward sentence and the missing "d" that I mentioned. The rest is all just personal opinion. *Wink*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of This Era  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing! Here are some of my thoughts and opinions. Take the ones you agree with and ignore the rest as they are my opinions, not anything else. *Wink*

"I hate this era with all its communication way." I'd consider "ways" instead of "way" because there are several types of communication these days, not just one. But I like how you start out straight to the point. I know what your opinion is and I can choose to read on or not. Nice idea.

"That you believe you do not need to see them often." This isn't a complete sentence. Consider removing "That" and you have a complete sentence.

"In the past you would think for days about a letter you would send to someone, feeling each word coming out of you." I like this idea. *Smile*

"Taking all of your heart out as its getting out." I'm not sure I like seeing "out" twice here. I mean, it sort of works, but it also sort of rubs me the wrong way. Consider playing around with other words and see what you think.

"You might stay for months to see them once." OH YEAH! I forgot about that! Thanks for the reminder! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for sharing your work. I opened your portfolio and was VERY surprised at how prolific a writer you are. WOW! You are definitely not fooling around! lol Keep up the great work! And welcome to WdC!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of GP Pranked  
Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I LOVE IT! THANK YOU!!! Though apparently you saw my original message that didn't include credit for Emily. If you don't mind adding her to the list of folks who created this game, I'd appreciate it. *Smile*

WHAT FUN! Thank you for making this!
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Review by Schnujo
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Fun little ending to the Bardstown Mystery! I'm intrigued by the time capsule being empty next year. I wonder if that's the prompt for then. *Think*

Anyway, nice job, but there were a few typos and such that you might want to correct before judging. *Wink*

"It is there that he got to know about the Time Capsule that lay within the "Retired, Yet Valuable Books Storage Room". Having exhausted all other avenues he concluded that the map must be in the Capsule but he found the room to be secured and the key kept somewhere in the mayoral champers." Unless you are British, in which case, I'm not sure of the rule, but in American English, periods ALWAYS go inside the quotation marks. Question marks and exclamation points go inside or outside, depending on their usage, but periods (and commas) ALWAYS go inside so it should be "...within the "Retired, Yet Valuable Books Storage Room.""

Also, I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "avenues" because "Having exhausted all other avenues..." is sort of an introduction to that sentence. I wouldn't capitalize "capsule" in the part that says, "...the map must be in the capsule, (add comma) but he found..." And I assume the last word in that sentence should be "chambers," not "champers." *Wink*

"...he became paranoid that when the Capsule was opened on the “20th Decade of the Town’s Founding”, the map..." Maybe I'm wrong, but again, I wouldn't capitalize "capsule." Also, the comma goes inside the quotation marks. Commas ALWAYS go inside quotation marks.

"He also learned on that on Founders Day Mrs Stone intended to close the library at 4:30pm, go home for dinner, and then returned just after 6pm..." Pretty sure you need a comma after "Day." Also, you are talking about the future, she intended to close the library and go home, but then suddenly the past with "then returned." I'd just change it to "...then return..." I'm too lazy to google to see, but I think the pm's might need a space after the time, but I'm not sure.

"His plan was to hold Mrs Stone captive and force the mayor to open the door; then he would claim the map from the capsule." Nice use of the semi-colon here. A lot of folks don't do that correctly, but I'm pretty sure you did. *Smile*

"...the Mayor’s ex-wife, Crystal was his late stepmother’s best friend and her daughter, Sasha was Parker’s brother’s fiancée." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after both Crystal and Sasha because you can leave out the names and still know who is being talked about. (Yeah, I'm not giving technical reasons here. Sorry. These are just the rules I use to know when to use them. lol)

"...Crystal’s rusty Toyota Station wagon sometime after the robbery." Don't capitalize "station" here.

"(On the day of the drop off she was in a hurry to use the library restroom, this is why she was running)" The comma isn't strong enough here. These are 2 complete sentences. You can either use a semi-colon instead or you can change the sentence to "...to use the library restroom, thus why she was running." Also, you need a period at the end of running--inside the parentheses, of course.

"Their scheme would have worked but it was discovered the mayor had key had been somehow misplaced..." The mayor's key had been somehow misplaced? Is that was you were trying to say? I think you got distracted during this sentence or started to say it 1 way, then changed your mind, perhaps. lol

"A year later the key was found, capsule opened by the mayor and everyone was shocked to find it empty; someone had stolen its contents, but just whom is a whole other story." Intriguing ending! I really like it!

Nice story--you introduced characters that made sense and didn't confuse us. Good job for only 19 sentences. My only real criticism is that you obviously need to proof read. Even if you don't know all the comma rules and such, proofreading would have (hopefully) caught some silly errors. If you did proofread, then I suggest what other say--put it down for a while, then come back and read it out loud slowly. Read what the words say, not what they are supposed to say. *Smile*

Good job and good luck in the contest!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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