*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/schnujo
Review Requests: OFF
649 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
for entry "Real Life Information
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Okay, I felt guilty and decided to do 1 little review. *Bigsmile*

Thanks for the trinket, BTW! *Heart*

I agree that it's a good idea to research things. We tend to assume we know all we need to know. And perhaps we know all we NEED to know, but further research can certainly open up possibilities we never imagined.

You use a lot of hyphens in here. "Also, you have to know the people- in 1820’s you had a number of poor people..." I suggest you take a look at endash vs. emdash on Google. I think you want to use emdashes here. WdC actually has a thing for that {emdash} and it shows as this —. Though in regular places, or if you can't remember how to do it, you can just use 2 hyphens together as this --. In fact, if you are on MS Word and use the 2 dashes, it automatically makes them into an emdash (assuming I'm right in that's the one you're supposed to be using) when you hit the space after the 2nd word. So, "...people--in..." would become "...people—in..." as soon as you hit the spacebar after "in." But it leaves them as 2 dashes without the 2nd word and then spacebar. Though MS Word insists they be used without a space between the words, I believe it is grammatically correct to do both "...people—in..." and "...people — in..." BTW, I'm creating those examples by doing this, as you probably can guess... "...people{emdash}in..."

That's a very important point you make about researching the appropriate years you are writing about. I didn't realize even the terms might be different. Very interesting!

"...between a King Cobra, a Western Diamondback Rattlesnake, and a Green Anaconda." I'm pretty sure these aren't capitalized, even though they are the name of the type of snake, but they aren't the actual name of the snake. Just as you wouldn't capitalize "daughter," but would capitalize the name of your daughter. *Smile*

"Russian-built" You've used hyphenated compound words several times and they are all (as far as I can tell) 100% correct. Great job! That's something a lot of people really struggle with so I'm definitely impressed!

"...Private, Seaman, and Aircraftman are the lowest ranks." Are you not in the US? I thought you were, but maybe not. If you're not, then ignore this. lol But if you are, the lowest Air Force rank is "Airman," not "Aircraftman." *Wink* Maybe it was many years ago; I don't know. But I do know that's not the common term now. *Bigsmile*

Another example to consider for the military branches is Captain. An Army Captain is a much lower rank than a Navy Captain. Almost all officers in the Army become a Captain at some point, but a Naval Captain runs the boat (as I understand it) and that's a much harder rank to attain. That's equal to an Army Colonel.

The rating is simply a reflection of the errors, not of the educational aspect of this piece. The educational part is very well done and very important! <e

Great blog/newsletter post! I especially love the encouraging and inspiring ending! Great work! I did make a number of corrections, but it's all easy stuff. In general, you're a skilled writer and even your common mistakes don't take away from your piece. I'm glad I took the time to read this. Thank you for sharing and keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Father  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I'm doing this review so I can give you better instructions on how to make sure your items qualify for the tickets in "WdC 2021 Birthday Review Raffle. Some of your reviews were private. I'm not sure if you just didn't click that little Make Public box between Make Anonymous and Submit to Good Deeds Get CASH or if you meant to make it private for a reason.

Mine is automatically checked so all my reviews are automatically public. If you want to do this, you can click Set Default next to Make Public and then when the new window opens, make sure Public Review Checkbox Default is set to Default as Checked. Then click Submit Changes, of course. But maybe you unchecked it for a reason. So, I'm going to make this a private review and see if I can change it to public later so I can tell you how...if I can. I'm also going to see how we can edit a review so I can give you instructions on that as well so you can make your shorter ones long enough to qualify. I know we can edit reviews, I just don't remember how.

Anyway, to your actual review!

I love the name and the description of this item. Great work! Also, I'm really glad you used all 3 genres. Perfect! So often that is missed! (Note: It's a quick and easy thing you can comment about on reviews you need to make longer--especially if they didn't because you can include why they should put all 3 genres. *Wink* )

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother! *Hug1**Cry**Hug2* I lost my dad at 14. It's so hard to lose a parent, but especially at that age! *HeartBroken*

‘when you need anything, just write it on a note and I’ll get it for you.’ You need to capitalize "when" but that is such a sweet thing your father did for you. *Candy5* I love it!

"Since then, my father played the role of both parents.
Many of our relatives and friends encouraged my father..." You have an awkward line break there. I'd recommend putting the 2nd sentence back with the 1st one, but you could make them both mini paragraphs if you prefer, I suppose.

My mother also loved my father too much to remarry, even though even we encouraged her to after a while. It's sad, but also so romantic. *InLove2*

"...he taught me how to fall in love with the city through his eyes..." This is fabulous! I love that you didn't just say, "My father taught me how to take pictures." This is a fabulous way to get that idea across with so much more feeling! *Heart*

"He was open minded..." That should be open-minded with a hyphen. *Wink*

I'm so sorry about your dad falling and having failing health so suddenly. I don't know exactly why, but once an older person starts to fall, their health usually declines pretty quickly after a few falls. Perhaps it's simply that their delicate organs can't take the thrashing they receive from a fall, but officially, I don't know.

"...we were due for 3 surgeries.
He got a pacemaker installed..." These should probably be in the same paragraph.

"...but his spirit was untouchable.
Through the 55 days in the hospital..." You seem to have a paragraph break here, but you didn't skip a space. The skipped spaces give our eyes a brief moment of rest and indicate that this is really a new paragraph with new ideas.

"...we finally had ‘the’ talk.
I was given strict instructions..." Again, you seem to have changed paragraphs, but didn't skip a line like you did in the previous paragraph changes. It's good to skip lines between paragraphs. *Wink*

"...I realise now that he stayed strong throughout for me. We knew it was the end, so he had nothing to gain from his high spirits, but he knew that if I saw him crumble, I would fall apart." OMG! This is so heartbreaking, but also shows what a strong person he was! *Heart* Never forget that he raised you and is a part of you and so is his strength! *Hug1**Smile**Hug2*

"...I would fall apart.
He was teaching me how to be alone." Again, you don't have a space, but I think this paragraph is too short to stand alone, but also fits okay with the one before, so put the part where he was teaching you to be alone in the paragraph above. Also, that is just so heartrending! I got a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes from that! *Cry* Your father was an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING MAN!

"3 days later, he was gone.
I performed his last rites..." Again, skip a line. Also, when you start a sentence with a number, it should be spelled out, so this should be "Three days later..."

"I’ve kept his pacemaker safely..." That should be "I've kept his pacemaker safe..." This whole paragraph is just gu twrenching! But also so inspiring! And I didn't know you could donate a pacemaker. I think that's an amazing thing! I can imagine it is what he would want, but also that it must be so hard for you to do. I don't know if it would be possible for you to meet the person it was donated it, but maybe that would help when the time comes. Even if you can't, know that you and your father gave life to another person and another family who couldn't have otherwise afforded it. *Heart*

"...he would have wanted that.
It’s been just over two weeks..." Again, you need a paragraph space.

Thanks. And now you've made me cry. *Right* "But he made me promise that I would live my life, and that his blessings would always be with me, so although my heart is broken, I’m trying to live a little more each day—for all three of us."

The rating is based on errors, not on the heart that was put into this work The emotion was absolutely 5 stars, but there were some technical issues. *Wink*

This was such a beautiful peace! I'm SO GLAD I chose it! *Heart* Also, I think your writing has really improved since we met. Nice work! Thakn you for sharing this part of you. I'm so sorry for what you have been through, but it's good to know there have been such amazing people on this Earth and they have given us their amazing children! *Hug1**Smile**Hug2*
3
3
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you so much for the trinket! I especially love how you gave us some information not just about them, but about you as well because I'm here on WdC to connect to people, not just to collect trinkets or merit badges...though that might be how it seems sometimes. *Laugh* Anyway, thank you for the lovely trinket! *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a fun poem. I love that you wrote about trinket collecting and trinket collectors! *Delight* But do you know what I think would make it even better? If you included a trinket with this poem so people could collect it when they read it. Yep, that is my genius idea that I give to you for free. *Rolling* Anyway, thank you for sharing your words with us. Have a great day!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of WDC  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Howdy! I love that you included a seek-a-word. Though I have to say, I couldn't figure out how to circle or highlight or whatever the words. *Think* I'm sure it's just me and I know I've figured it out in the past, but it wouldn't hurt to post instructions for the slower members of the community. *Laugh* Also, since you mention trinkets, I 100% think you should include one here for people to collect! *Bigsmile* You can post it with {trinket:XXXXXXX}. Anyway, thanks again!
6
6
Review of Time  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like your poem. It's short, which for me and my attention span, works perfectly, but it also brings together concepts that I think are very accurate. Nicely done.

I have a suggestion. Are you familiar with trinkets on WdC? You can go to Points, then at the bottom of that popup, Trinkets: Create New. I'm sure there's info in the WdC 101 section as well. But you can create a collectable trinket to reward people for coming here. They do cost 50k to make, but then you can post it here with (Trinket unavailable.) and people who visit this item can collect a trinket while reading about "time as a trinket." *Laugh*

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, check out "Note: I totally didn’t have a chance to do this on ..." as an example. Click on it, click Collect, and you'll have the trinket in your collection (which you can then see if you go to Points, then Trinkets: Collected) and you can read whatever the maker posted for that trinket. *Smile* Try it! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Images of Hope  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I finally got around to reading this. I pulled it up, then left the tab for a moment and forgot to come back. *Blush* Thank you for writing this. I really appreciated the descriptions of the scene and the people who were in it. You brought back memories and emotions, just as any well-written piece we can relate to should do. Thank you!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Why  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a lovely poem! I'm guessing this was a challenge for you since you don't normally write things you can share, as you said in the Newsfeed. I'm not sure what you normally write, but I'm glad you put forth the effort to write this. I can see the sadness, but also the hope in it. Well done. Thank you for the effort!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Test Your Poetry  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey! Thank you so much for sending me this link. What a great contest and I TOTALLY LOVE THE IMAGE!!! *InLove* That is perfect! *Heart*

In general, I love that your contest is quick and easy to read and the format is very clean, unlike my own contest. *Think* *Laugh* *FacePalm* However, there are a couple of suggestions I have for improvement.

1. Consider the name "Test Your Port's Poetry" to give a slightly better description of the contest for when you just post an item link. Poets will be more likely to click to see what it's about. As it is, "Test Your Port" seems a bit like a newbie activity to improve the look of the port.

2. As for the description, I'd add a bit more there as well. The fact that folks don't need to enter newly written stuff is a huge bonus to many people, so that needs to be clear. *Wink* Maybe something like "A monthly poetry contest for previously written poems" or something like that. If you are going to play around, remember that "A" can be left out to save the character and space, just in case you need 2 more blanks. *Wink*

3. For the genres you selected, instead of Other as the last one, I'd go with Writing, myself. Other is the default so while the contest isn't exactly about writing, you are judging people's writing, so it's at least something instead of Other. Plus, in case Writing is an option for a Quills category, you can be in that if this contest ever gets nominated for Best Contest. *Smile*

4. I'd consider putting the font at size 4 because there are so many old people on here. Yes, they can enlarge their screen, but if they don't have a touchscreen, they may not know how. I know I don't...which is why I insisted on a touchscreen. *Laugh*

5. "So, this is a contest where you can put your poems into test." Is this a British way of speaking or because English isn't your native language? In the US, we would say "...put your poems to the test."

6. "All poems should be rated less than 18+" I actually just noticed you don't have a period after this sentence or the one about posting links as bitems or citems. That wasn't even what I was going to say here. lol Anyway, you say to post poems rated LESS THAN 18+, but people are used to the MAXIMUM (no more than) rating being posted so you could get some misunderstanding when people aren't reading carefully. If you want less than 18+, that means you want 13+, I think. So I'd change that to "All poems should be rated no more than 13+." Unless you meant you didn't want them over 18+, then say the same thing except "...no more than 18+."

7. On the prizes, there's a little inconsistency. The 2nd place says the awardicon will be placed on the winning item, but the 1st place doesn't say that. Is it on the item or the port? I assumed the item until you specified the other would be on the item, which made me question that maybe 1st place gets a port ribbon? Also, 3rd place gets a 10k ribbon when 2nd place gets a 10k awardicon. I looked to see if there was really a difference. There doesn't seem to be, IMO, except one is just the ribbon crossed over itself and the other is the ribbon that has the decoration at the top, for lack of a better description. But I think they are both officially ribbons. Also, the one that is just a ribbon crossed over itself can absolutely be awarded for anything, but those are sort of more for support and remembrance things like Breast Cancer Awareness or supporting the military. It's just a tad confusing if you are intending to give those bottom ribbons where it's just a strip crossed over itself or if you meant the ones above and the winner just doesn't get a signature. I think it's okay to leave it with awardicon and ribbon if you want, but it does leave some questions about what they are getting. However, no one is going to not enter because they aren't sure which 10k thing they are getting. *Wink*

8. For the donations, you say a 100k donation gets a 50k awardicon, but on what? Their port? The item of your choice? The item of their choice? It's not a huge deal, but you don't want people thinking they get to pick what gets awarded when they don't. *Wink* And for the MB, I'd slip in the word "community" so they know it's a community MB. They should know, but there are a couple of places I've found where you can get an exclusive one for 20k or 25k on sale from time to time. *Shock2*

I love that you have a link to go to the forum. And the countdown timer is a great touch! I also appreciate that you show how to post bitem and citem links and even give a link to further instructions. That's perfect for newbies!

It's great that you used a couple of colors, but not too many. In general, this looks great! If you want me to rerate it after you've made some changes, I'll be happy to do so and I can increase your rating based on the changes you've made. *Smile*

In general, great work! There are a few suggestions, as I've noted, but there's nothing that ruins the item or causes people to not want to enter. Very well done and congratulations!
10
10
Review of WOW!  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I totally love this item and the tie-in with "Invalid Item It's hilarious! I especially love that you tagged each person and mentioned their situation and your excuse to be at the new handbag factory because of them. *Laugh* That was especially kind of you to offer to buy LightinMind's wife more handbags than you want him to. *InLove2* The other thing I liked in your piece is how you "studied" so many other things besides what you were supposed to. Yep, that's how studying with others usually goes. *Rolling* Thanks for sharing this! *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of Moving On Blues  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I felt bad telling you probably not a lot of folks were going to check out your poem because of the festivities, so I decided to review it, myself. Bare in mind, I'm not a poet. *Wink*

I like that you get a shiver when he touches you. That can go as both a positive thing and negative, so I like that. Good choice!

I'm not digging the sweet bubbles bit if it's a cold brew. Personally, I don't think of beer bubbles as sweet. Hops bubbles? Or in reference to the bad relationship, bitter bubbles? Just my opinion...

I'm a little confused with the pronouns. Sometimes it's "I" and other times it's "she" (and "he," but that's less confusing since you are a female--I assume you are talking about your partner). But maybe it's intentional and I just don't get it because I'm not a poet. *Confused*

As a Southerner, I fully support the phrase "hot butter blues." *Bigsmile* I also really love the bit about women having an expiration date on their face. Ugh. So true! *Pthb*

Over all, nice poem! I think it could use a couple tweaks here and there, but nice work! Keep it up!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an awesome poem! I love this! *InLove* Such a fun idea! But I definitely disagree with the last line that they are a waste of time. I really enjoyed these and was curious when you said it was a choose-your-own-adventure type of poem. I was like, "How in the world..." AWESOME! Thank you for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What an amazing drawing! I'm so very impressed! And I definitely appreciate you sharing it with me. You certainly have a lot of talent! I love that you included the pencils in the image, but I think I might have liked it better with the picture taken straight on. But then, you're obviously the artist, so perhaps that wouldn't have looked so good. I don't know, but I'm certainly wowed by your talent! Great work! Keep it up!
14
14
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love that you used all 3 genre options. Great work from the beginning!

I noticed your official title and the title at the top of the item are different--Flashlights of the Ocean vs. Flashlights of the World. I write my review as I read, so maybe that's on purpose, but I'm not sure yet. *Wink*

I actually just noticed that you have passed away. I'm very sorry for your family and friends, especially those here on WdC. *Hug1**Cry**Hug2*

Anyway, this is a really interesting and educational piece! Thank you so much for writing it! I thoroughly enjoyed it and feel smarter for having had the chance to read it. *Smile* I especially appreciate you including the pronunciation of the word "Fresnel." *Heart*

I am curious about what the Link Text Here thing is about, but I can't ask so I won't deduct stars for something that may be simply my misunderstanding. *Wink*

Thank you for writing this and may you rest in peace! *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Broken Past  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Howdy! I found your story (or the beginning of it) in Read a Newbie. WELCOME! *Hug*

First, good job filling out 2 of the 3 genre slots. Though I'd encourage you to try to find one more to add to it...and not Other, Activity, Contest, or Contest Entry. *Wink* Would Horror/Scary fit? I don't know where you are going with the story, so I can't say for sure, but you do seem to be amping up some drama. *Smile* There's Medical, but I'm not sure this is going to be a medical story so much as it just happens to be set in a hospital. Are there going to be ghosts and such? Paranormal? Occult? It feels like it might be a bit Occult-y with that moon situation. Just options, depending on where the story goes. *Wink*

There are 2 main reasons it's good to fill out all the genres. 1. When people search for things to read by genre, they have 3 chances to find yours. *Wink* 2. We have a thing called "The Quill Awards. It's like our version of the Oscars. When an item gets nominated in a category such as Best Short Story, Best Poem, etc., it automatically qualifies for the genre categories without additional nomination. But if you only have 2 genres listed, you are missing out on possibly winning a Quill award in a genre. *Shock2* *Sob*

I like that you used different font sizes and used space to make things flow well. But be sure to check things when you save them to make sure they look like you want them to. I see something is messed up, but you'd probably have to go into Edit to see what it is. To edit your item, go to the sprocket in the upper right corner of the item and click that. You'll see Quick Edit. That's what I normally use, personally. Another page will pop up and you can make changes. Save them, then the popup will show the new stuff or you can refresh the main/original page to see the new changes. *Smile*

I like where you are going with this so far. You draw the reader in. Nice work. Though I'd like to see some more variety in some of the sentences. In the sentence about the walls, you use the word "wall" 3 times. *Think* Maybe try to say things in a different way. And the sentence about the light in the room, you use "room" twice--not as bad, but maybe instead of the light engulfing the room, it engulfs everything or it engulfs the shadows or something else that isn't specifically "the room." *Wink* Actually, as I'm reading, you do this a lot. Check your sentences for repetitive words. *Bigsmile*

You spelled "waiting" wrong in the 1st sentence in Chapter 1. *Wink*

You switched tenses in "But Sarah can't just stand here, so she moved forward slow and steady." You start in present tense, but then changed to past tense. You've probably done that more, but I do the same thing, so it's hard for me to catch it when other folks do. *Rolling* Darned tenses are so hard to keep up with! *Irritated* *Laugh* You did it again here, "Sarah had to keep going, she can't stop." If you are going with past tense, that would be "...she couldn't stop."

Okay, I'm done and this was definitely creepy! I'm assuming that was what you were going for. *Laugh* Well done! You have some great ideas, but you need to work on a couple parts of the execution. The main things I'd say to focus on are using the same words over and over and then sticking to the same tense. Since you definitely have the creativity, I know the words portion of this, as long as you really pay attention and think about how to say things, that will come to you. You obviously have talent, so just start extending some of it to that. *Heart* As for taming tenses, yeah, good luck. I still do it. It's totally fixable...at least, that's what I tell myself. *Laugh* But I still haven't fully cured the problem, myself, so I wish you luck fixing your own problem with it. *Rolling*

Anyway, great job creeping me out! Thankfully, it's not bedtime. *Laugh* You certainly have some talent! Great work because the mechanics and such can be fixed much easier than a lack of talent. *Think* You have the important part. *Wink* If you decide to fix some of the problems here, feel free to let me know you want me to rereview it and I can give you a better rating when you've made improvements. *Smile* Keep at it! I hope to see you writing lots more!

Again, welcome! *Hug*
16
16
Review of Shaman's Trance  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Whoa! This is a really cool poem! I found it under Please Review. *Smile* First, great job using all 3 of your genre slots. A lot of folks don't do that, so well done. *Wink* The fact that you chose Psychology is why I wanted to read this. At first, before clicking, I thought it was going to be a super creepy story about someone being in a trance, but not alone there. *Scared*

Anyway, I'm not a poet, so I can't speak as wisely about this as many others can, but I do appreciate that even though it's not got a regular structure (that I can identify), it still seems poetic. So many folks write "free form" poetry that is really just prose with more line breaks. *Think* *Laugh* So, well done not being one of them! *Bigsmile*

I do totally love your shape here! Though at first I thought the page hadn't loaded since so much of the top was blank. lol Hopefully, you aren't missing out on readers because they don't scroll down to see there is more below. *Wink* You could consider deleting a few lines so that the first lines show up at the bottom...or maybe they do for you and just no me. *Wink* Anyway, back to the shape, I thought it was first like a speaking bubble like in cartoons, but then since it's a shaman, I'm wondering if maybe it's a peace pipe? It could also be a thought bubble. I'm not sure, but I like it. *Bigsmile*

Nicely done! Thank you for sharing! Keep at it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of The Massage  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey! I saw your item and wanted to give it a quick review.

I'm immediately drawn in, especially when the speaker says to himself, "'Oh what the hell' he thought, let’s see what all the fuss is about." I think that bit amused me because I've done things I probably knew better than to do just out of curiosity. *Laugh* Though I'm not yet far enough in to know if he's going to regret this. *Wink*

Suggestion: You jump from the speaker getting the number and making the appointment to now being in the massage parlor. I'd suggest skipping a few extra spaces or perhaps adding a line of dashes or asterisks to break it up so we know the scene has changed. *Smile* Even just adding a link of like 5-10 can make a big difference in the flow.

It's funny that just before the line where the speaker says it's getting spooky, I'm thinking to myself, "This is getting creepy." *Rolling*

Suggestion: This is being told from his point of view, or so it seems, so I don't know that it feels right to me that we know Angelique smiles unless he sees it. We didn't know anything about Tom that he didn't know. I feel like it should be the same with Angelique.

Correction: You wrote, "‘Deeper’ he thought, and she pressed deeper.. ‘Again!’ he thought, and she massaged the spot again and again.." You need a comma after "deeper" and ellipses have 3 dots in them, not just 2. *Wink*

Correction: You need a comma after "please" in "“Turn over please” she whispered in his ear."

"Under the towel precariously draped across his waist..." Those darned towels are always threatening to come off, aren't they? *Laugh* Thanks for the shot of realism. *Wink*

Correction: "Angelique was sat tantalizingly astride his legs, her fingers replaced by her warm soft lips, caressing his body in tiny nips and kisses."

I love that he loves thunderstorms. That makes him a more real character to me. *Smile*

Corrections and Suggestions: "“Perfect” he replied as he smiled back at her, and in that instant he knew, they would spend many more blissful moments together......." You need a comma after "perfect." Also, I think you'd do best ending with just a period, but if you want ellipses, that's only 3 dots. *Wink* Finally, I feel like this was more than just a few moments and to me, I feel like he'd say to himself that they'll spend many more blissful hours together. Or at least a lot more blissful time together, but that's me.

Nice story. Thank you for sharing. I was a bit worried that there was some trick or trap and that maybe Tom had been forced to talk him into going in order to escape some horrible fate, but nope. It was legitimately a great experience for him. YAY! *Laugh* And now I want one like that... lol

Thank you for sharing your story! Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a really interesting topic and way of looking at it. I wasn't sure what to expect when the genres said it was Adult, Erotic, and Opinion. *Laugh* But you did a great job of describing things and piecing together your idea to sell us on something we probably have never thought about before. Nicely done!

Correction: The only mistake I noticed was a spelling mistake in "Men are blown away by the gift, or presense, of women." I did google in case that was a British spelling or something, but I don't think it is, in which case, that should be "presence." *Wink*

Otherwise, you did a great job with this piece. I really enjoyed it! My favorite line was "How its slender shapely form glides and saunters its way through life as if to some visionary symphony, unyieldingly entertaining an audience of the mind incessantly."

Thank you for sharing your opinion. Keep it up! You have interesting ideas and the talent to share them. *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of The Hot Tub  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow! You've gotten 50 reviews! I've been told that erotic stuff is the most read, but least reviewed stuff on WdC. *Laugh* Though your item is shorter, so that might have helped as well. *Wink*

That first paragraph is a nice setup. *Smile*

Correction: Commas go on the inside of quotation marks. You placed them incorrectly a few times such as...
"My imagination is playing with me", he thought.
"Oh! It's hot!", said the same voice.

I love this part--Somehow, he knew that this would all go away if he opened his eyes.

It's great that we are left wondering if she was real or not. I prefer to think not because I don't want him cheating on his wife, but others might hope she was. Great ending to this piece! Very well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Howdy! I saw your interactive and thought I'd review it.

I have to admit that I didn't read any but a tiny fraction of your interactive. 830 chapters is HUGE! Also, I'm not sure what some of the things are such as vore and GTS, but stuck with the safer parts I was more comfortable with. lol

The only thing I didn't like was that I had to restart several times before I could find a path that really went anywhere, but I realize that's not really your fault. People add where they want to add. *Wink* Anyway, I did enjoy the parts that I read, though I admit I kept to the clean stuff. *Angelic*

Thanks for sharing this!
21
21
Review of The Forever Gift  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've come to expect nothing but the best from you. You're so talented with everything you do!

This poem is really touching and since it involves the military, I especially love it. *Wink* I definitely appreciate you including the info at the bottom about the prompt and rhyme structure and such. That always helps me think more about the choices you've made.

Suggestion: The one critique I have is your genre choice. I'm not taking off stars because it's not officially a part of the poem. But you only listed Romance/Love as your genre. Obviously, Military would fit. *Wink* You could also consider Emotional or Drama or Relationship. I realize this was written back in 2011, so maybe you didn't realize the importance of selecting genres back then. *Wink* But as you know, they are important for not just helping people find your item when searching for something to read, but if this was written this year and it got nominated for a Quill, you'd be missing out on the opportunity to get nominated in 2 other genre categories, thus slimming your chances of winning. *Wink*

Anyway, that aside, great work! Thank you for sharing! Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Song of the Vamp  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey! I found this on the Read & Review and it looked interesting. *Smile*

First, I'd like to say that I really appreciate that you posted the word count at the top. Some of us are lazy. *Laugh* And great work including all 3 genres! And NOT using Contest Entry as one of them. *Wink*

Suggestion: “My neck is up here,” she hissed in an annoyed tone.
I think I'd like it better if she "...hissed in annoyance." I'm not sure if it's actually more showing than telling this way or if I just like the brevity of it, but it's something to consider. *Wink*

Suggestion: "Penelope broke their embrace and turned away in frustration."
Again, I'm not sure if it's brevity I'm after or what, but I think I'd prefer, "Penelope broke their embrace and turned away frustrated."

I LOVE THIS! Yep, been there back in my youth. *Rolling* Though not with a vampire. *Wink* "She’d hoped that the filmy negligee would finally entice the Count to take her bait."

Awesome!!! “It’s not my lungs so much as my tuxedo,” replied the Count. “The smell seeps into the fabric and then I have to lie inside a closed coffin all day with the reek of cigarette smoke. And, besides that, it’s difficult to launder. Do you know how much they charge for dry-cleaning these days?” *Rolling*

I love that you bring in other literature references with this line--“Damn Van Helsing!” he thought for the thousandth time.

OMG! YOUR ENDING IS AWESOME!!! I did NOT see that coming and totally love it! *InLove* GREAT WORK! Keep it up!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Sheltered  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a fun piece! I'm so glad I took the time to read this. *Smile*

I did notice a missing comma before "Wilson" in "You tryin' to be smart Wilson?"

Speaking of that line, I do love how you have them speaking more naturally. Most folks, including me, would have said "Are you trying to be smart, Wilson?" Nicely done!

You're missing another comma before "Wilson" in "Whoa now Wilson." You might also need one after "whoa."

"That virus aint welcome here." You missed an apostrophe. *Wink*

"Keep you sputterin' away from me." I'm assuming that should be "your."

If you care, I normally see "COVID" with all caps. *Smile*

There are a few errors, but nothing that takes away from the meaning, so good job. *Smile* This was a cute story and I really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Summer  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a really beautiful poem with so few words--impressive, indeed! I thought "daily unfurled fragile beauty" was going to be my favorite line until I read the very next one, "many colors on silk." Wow! I have 2 favorite lines (if that's allowed) out of 5 and 2 of the 5 lines are just 1 word. IMO, that's quite an achievement! Great work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Home  
In affiliation with The Witch's House  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love it so much! I feel stupid because it was such a simple and short story, but I got chills and slightly teary as I read this. *FacePalm* But I suppose it's a compliment to you. *Bigsmile* Excellent work!

I would say that you should probably not list this as the genre of "Contest Entry" unless you really feel like that's necessary for you to remember why you wrote things. If it were to get nominated for "The Quill Awards, it would miss out on a genre award possibility because it only lists 2 genres. Maybe Relationship? That's one of the choices, isn't it? *Confused* I think so. Anyway, I encourage you to look for stuff for all 3 genres always. *Bigsmile*

Good luck in your contest!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
333 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 14 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/schnujo