Schnujo is Late to Lannister's (schnujo) Reviews

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

177

#4246812

Review of Are you my friend?

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a really cute story. I hope you clean it up and consider pursing publishing it one day. Even if you only publish it in a magazine or as an e-book.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...with two older sisters, and two older brothers." There shouldn't be a comma after "sisters." "...so busy with their friends they seem to forget about Charlie." There should be a comma after "friends." "After all his sisters and brothers left Charlie wandered around" their" house he found the cat, “He asked the cat "Are you my friend?"" There should be a comm after "left" and the quotation marks for "their" are attached to the word before it instead. Put a space after "around" and erase the space between the quotation marks and "their." There should be a period after "house." Capitalize "he" and after "cat" should be a period. Also erase the quotation marks before "he" (the "he" after "cat." There should be a comma after "cat" (in the part saying, "he asked the cat").

". He went on to find daddy dinosaur, and asked him "are you my friend?"" There's a period and an extra space before the beginning of this sentence. There should be a comma after "him" and "are" should be capitalized. ""Of course Charlie." he answered." There should be a comma after "course" and that period after "Charlie" should be a comma. "He found momma dinosaur and asked her" are you my friend?"" There should be a comma after "her" and the quotation marks are stuck on the "her" instead of the "are." Also, capitalize "are." " well yes honey. Why do you ask?" Erase the space before the opening quotation marks and capitalize "well." Also, there needs to be a comma after "yes." " everyone has friends and they are to busy for me and I don’t have any friends" There shouldn't be a space between the opening quotation marks and "everyone." Also, "everyone" needs to be capitalized." That should be "too busy." And you need a period after "friends." (I don't know where you are from, but in America, the period ALWAYS goes inside the quotation marks. So do commas.)

"of course you do, you have your sisters and brothers" "Of" should be capitalized. That should either be a period or a semi-colon after "do" since both parts are full sentences. There should be a period after "brothers" (and before the quotation marks). ". Poor Charlie looks up and says" they are too busy for me. They have their own friends." Erase the period and space before "poor." There should be a comma after "says." "They" should be capitalized. There should be quotation marks after the period after "friends." "...walks away saying" I don’t have anyone"." There should be a comma after "saying" and a space between that comma and the quotation marks. Erase the space between the quotation marks and "I." If you are in Europe, that period at the end is probably right. If you're here in America, the period ALWAYS goes inside the quotation marks.

"...makes Charlie a promise, and tells Charlie..." That shouldn't be a comma there. "...as soon as she gets the chores done, we will go visit friends, and you can play with some kids." You switched from "she" to "we" and "you." You can either keep it 3rd person and say, "...they will go visit friends and he can play with some kids." Or you came make it a quote and say, "...chores done, "We will go visit friends and you can play with some kids."" (That second quotation mark is me ending my quote of what you can say. If you choose that, naturally you'll just end with one set instead of two. lol) Also, there shouldn't be a comma after "friends." "Charlie nods yes" Your period somehow ended up on the line below...the one that's supposed to be blank. "Later in the day they go to lunch, as momma dinosaur..." You need a comma after "day." That comma after "lunch" should be a period and "as" should be capitalized.

"...asked him his name." He says shyly my name is Stanley"" There shouldn't be a set of quotation marks after "name." Also, there should be a comma after "shyly" and "my" should be capitalized. There should be quotation marks in front of "my" (not attached to "shyly" and there shouldn't be a space between them and "my." Your period should be inside the quotation marks after "Stanley," not on the next space by itself. lol "Charlie asked him if they could play together," That should be a period, not a comma after "together." "Stanley shakes his head yes." I don't know about Europe and other countries, but in America, normally people "nod" yes and "shake" no. "As the play date comes to an end the momma dinosaur..." There should be a comma after "end." "Charlie and Stanley get ready to leave, he asked Stanley “are you my friend”? "Stanley smiles and says yes."" That should be either a period or a semi-colon instead of a comma after "leave." If it's a period, of course, capitalize "he." There should be a comma after the second "Stanley." Capitalize "are" and the question mark goes inside the quotation marks because the whole thing isn't a question, just the part in quotation marks. "...many more play dates, and soon become best friends." There shouldn't be a comma there. "One day on the way to play Charlie" says to momma dinosaur". Thank you for taking me to play with Stanley, he’s my best friend." There shouldn't be quotation marks by "Charlie" or by "dinosaur." There should be quotation marks in front of "thank" (without a space between them and "thank" and after "friend." Also, the comma after "Stanley" should either be a semi-colon or a period because both parts are full sentences. Naturally, if you make it a period, capitalize "he's." Oh, and that period at the end of "friend" goes INSIDE the quotation marks.

Suggestions:
You said Charlie was a dragon, but his parents are dinosaurs. Is he adopted? Hahaha--just teasing, but because of this, I thought the momma and daddy dinosaurs were his stuffed toys at first and they weren't really talking. I got to the part where momma said she'd take him to play with friends after she finished her chores. I'd suggest just saying he's a dinosaur too, to avoid any confusion.

Favorite Part:
"He found the cat. He asked the cat, "Are you my friend?" The cat just looked at him. HAHAHAHA Typical cat! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

178

#4246798

Review of Fatal Attraction

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...with his high school buddy Mike." There should be a comma after "Mike." "Using her key to gain access to Corey’s apartment she puts her sexy plan into action." There should be a comma after "apartment." "Natasha walks over to the bed, picking up the bag of rose petals she walks..." That comma after "bed" should be a semi-colon because both before it and after it are full sentences. If you don't like semi-colons, you could always just make it a period since they're full sentences. lol “Nat you know we are not breaking up..." There should be a comma after "Nat." "Anyways, no need for you to come to me to get your key, I will leave it in your apartment when I leave.” Again, these are both full sentences, so that comma after "key" can be either a period or a semi-colon, but it shouldn't be a comma. “I changed my mind I am on my way home, right now.” That should be a period or semi-colon after "mind" since before and after are full sentences. lol "...he arrived home in a fit of tears..." You can use either a comma or a dash after "home." If you choose a dash, it's made using two hyphens since they don't have an official dash on here. Also, don't put a space before or after the "dash" and don't capitalize the word after it. "Corey picks up Natasha takes her to the bedroom..." There should be a comma after "Natasha." "...while taking of her clothes slowly." That should be "...taking off her clothes..." "...while sucking the juices he loves the taste of her." After "juices" should either be a period or a semi-colon. "...with both of them coming together they collapse into each other’s arms." "With" should start a new sentence and there should be a comma after "together."

Suggestions:
"...she brought with her on the bed, picking up the rose scented candles and smells the scent of them..." That sounds weird with "picking" and "and smells." How about "...picking up the rose scented candles, she smells..."? I just changed the "and" to "she." If you want to learn more about comma usage, they have a comma class in New Horizons on here.

" I just like I have been neglecting some things..." I assume you meant, "I just feel like I..."

Favorite Part:
"Natasha checks the last text message from Corey, saying, ‘I will be home in one day. Cya then. Love you :)’" Awwww...what a sweet message. It makes me immediately like Corey.

Good job! lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

179

#4246791

Review of The Ice Pick

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Overall, I like this story, but it leave a lot of questions unanswered for me. Was that being really of the devil or was it from Heaven? What happened to Veronica and Zack? Do they get out alive? I liked the story, but want more answers.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...Veronica, Matt, Sonia, and Zack are at their wits end..." That should be "wit's end." "...stuck on a mountain in Colorado which happened to be all be happenstance." I assume you meant "happened to be all by happenstance." "Veronica the team leader says..." You need a comma after "Veronica" and after "leader." "Veronica saw the most beautiful white light which she had to shield her eyes..." This sentence is a little off. I think it benefits from adding "from" between "light" and "which."

Suggestions:
Personally, I'm not loving the fact that you used "happen" and "happenstance" so close together, but that's me. I'd suggest something like "...which was simply the result of happenstance" or ...which all occurred by happenstance" or something. But it's just a matter of personal preference, really.

Wait...what? I just read the end. What happened to Veronica and Zack? Did they survive? AAAK! You're killing me!

Favorite Part:
"I am sorry that I have led you all to our tombs.” I'm glad you said "tombs" instead of "doom." "Doom" would be so overused, whereas "tombs" is a descriptive words that brings a picture with its usage, yet also brings a clarity that tells you exactly what she means. Good choice!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

180

#4246739

Review of WLTM IRL

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I really enjoyed this story! What a great piece and very creative--great work!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...all of who could keep in touch with one another instantaneously." I'm like 99% sure that should be "whom." "He liked the challenge of trying to bait a woman, conversing with her for a while, pretending to get to know them." You start with singular "woman" and "her," then switch to "them." I'd suggest just sticking with the singular. It's more predatory and creepy, to me, at least. lol "It was a good thing she was sitting down... she felt her body tremble and go slack in his powerful embrace." You were telling this strictly from his point of view. I'd suggest you stick with that. Also, there shouldn't be a space after the ellipses. "...further up the beach... quickly burying her..." Again, there shouldn't be a space after the ellipses. "You can never be too safe... She messaged him." No space after the ellipses and "she" shouldn't be capitalized. "Of course, my dear... Anton typed back." No space again.

"...who's behind the keyboard'," The comma should be inside the apostrophe (and quotation marks) if you're from the U.S. (always), but I don't know for sure about Europe.

Favorite Part:
"Anton smirked as he checked them, each one from a different girl on the website. While others of his kind resisted the world's ever increasing industrialization, Anton embraced new technologies wholeheartedly. Why should they deny themselves the modern conveniences that everyone else enjoyed so thoroughly?" This is a wonderful opening paragraph. I especially like that he "smirked." "He was charming and debonair at dinner, and Marta was soon helplessly enamored with him. It wouldn't be difficult to convince her to come with him." The scary thing is people do this in real life...not just vampires in stories. "After all, one could pretend to be anything on the internet." Awesome ending!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

181

#4246727

Review of The Times They Are A-Changin'

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I picked this story because the idea behind it is exactly what's going on with me right now. August 18 I'll be exiting the Army due to a medical discharge because of Iraq. The idea of getting out absolutely terrifies me! Not to mention the feelings of loss and failure for not being able to stay in. It's terrible! Anyway, back to your story, that's why I chose this.

And I'm glad I did. It's a wonderful story. (Well, not so much the story line, but the way it was written.) You did an excellent job and I'm glad I picked this!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...his focus attuned ... even here he couldn't let his guard down." There shouldn't be a space before or after the ellipses. "Tours in Iraq, Afghanistan, Colombia, Nigeria... if the United States..." There shouldn't be a space after the ellipses. "...pouring concrete ... if his aching body would let him." Again, no spaces before or after the ellipses. "...to let them see him – to live with him – when he was like this?" There shouldn't be a space before or after your dash, either. lol And when using a dash in a place that doesn't automatically make dashes (like here), use two hyphens together so it should look like this, "...see him--to live with him--when he..." You're doing well with not having a bunch of other problems, though.

"...couldn't imagine doing ... provided with a focused skill..." Again, there shouldn't be a space before or after the ellipses. "...which would be worse ... coming home to his family..." And again. "...his wrist firmly ... lovingly." And again. lol I'm a fan of ellipses and dashes, too.

"...beauty and understanding – perhaps more than most – their significance." Again, two hyphens and no spaces before or after the "dash."

Suggestions:
"And what was a soldier to do..." I'm not sure if you are interested in applying it, but in the Army I was taught to always capitalize the word "Soldier." But English major civilians will probably criticize that. lol

Favorite Part:
"He felt exposed, literally a sitting target out there with no cover. From the huts along the pier to the trees that bordered the parking lot in the distance behind them, he had already made a mental note of the best places to set up a nest, and where the best place for a chokepoint would be." YES! Are you a war vet? You write like one.

"His muscles were tense and his focus attuned ... even here he couldn't let his guard down. Letting one's guard down was a lethal risk he couldn't afford." Excellent description of what was going on with him! "But that wasn't him anymore. Now he was the guy who woke up in a cold sweat every night, screaming at the phantoms that haunted his dreams. He was the guy who got turned down for a job at Home Depot last week..." I get it. I've been repeatedly discouraged from even trying to get into the VA's compensated work therapy program because I'm not ready. I have to be cleared by my providers and not one will agree to it.

"How could a family love this man he had become?" Yep. (You're probably wishing I hadn't picked this. Sorry. lol) "...calming the demons inside him. He looked over at her angelic, smiling face..." I like this juxtaposition. Well done!

"...watching the fireworks glitter and sparkle overhead." That's a great description of fireworks, yet I never thought of them that way. Great work!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

182

#4246573

Review of Witch Trials

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a wonderful story! I'm super impressed with your idea to sprinkle quotes throughout the story. They really added to it. This is a truly creative take on the Salem Witch Trials and I'm so glad I picked this! Thanks for choosing to write this!

Grammar and Mechanics:
None noted--impressive!

Suggestions:
None--wonderfully done!

Favorite Part:
""... They told me if I would not confess I should be put down into the dungeon and would be hanged, but if I would confess I should save my life." - Margaret Jacobs" That's a wonderful introduction! I love it! I keep a notepad of ideas and think I'll include using a quote at the top as an idea. Thanks for that! "We tried praying, and fasting, but we knew what was truly going on. It was the work of the Devil." I would think that praying and fasting is exactly what one should do when folks are being controlled by the devil. Just my inexperienced opinion. "It was not my place to question why we were being punished, just to know that we were." That's an interesting concept. I'd think it was important to know if it was something I'd done that had caused this. ""I can deny it to my dying day." - William Hobbs" These quotes are fascinating to me. It seems to me that you didn't just write this from what you may have learned in school. It appears that you actually did research for this story and I'm loving it!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

183

#4246557

Review of Bobo the Clown taught me to laugh

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is an interesting and twisted story with an unexpected ending. It's very creative and well thought out. You also did a wonderful job with proofreading! Well done.

Grammar and Mechanics:
None noted--great job!

Suggestions:
I have no idea what kind of face paint clowns will be wearing in 2408, but just for your information, if you didn't already know, these days they wear grease paint that wouldn't streak when he was crying. It's a nice touch, though. It's a great description of how he looks.

Favorite Part:
"If I hadn’t met Bobo the Clown, I wouldn’t have ever learned to laugh. It was the year 2408, and I had just gotten out of a three year stay at a hospital. At least I think it was a hospital. It could have been an asylum for all I know. I was drugged most of my stay there, and I honestly can’t remember what I was in there for. I just remember waking up one day, and some woman dressed in white telling me it was time for me to leave." That's an awesome introduction. I'm drawn in already! The title was great and the first paragraph is even better. "I‘m obsolete. I have no reason to live.” These sentences really struck a chord within me. I'm not sure if it's good or bad, but to me, they're powerful.

"I was in the middle of reading about something called “Comedy T.V. Shows” when I came across a chapter about clowns. They would come to events, like parties and fairs (which I also had to look up in more books), and they would perform tricks to make people laugh, to make people happy." That's a really interesting concept that people don't know how to laugh and that funny things are a foreign idea. Very creative. I wouldn't have thought of something like that! Great job! “And I know what a clown is now! I want you to make me laugh! That will solve all of our problems!” Ummmm...not exactly, but that's a sweet sentiment.

"Bobo fell to the ground, dead, and I began laughing and laughing and laughing." WOW! What a weird a morbid ending! Hahaha! I did NOT expect that! lol I also feel like it's an interesting commentary on the times in 2408, that someone dying is what makes him laugh.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

184

#4246261

Review of Never Forgotten

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
There is obviously a strong emotion attached to this and I agree that it's rightfully so. Nicely written poem. You have a talent for it. (But I still enjoyed your story about the utensils better! It was SO SUPER CREATIVE! lol)

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I detect a bit of form, but the strongest part is simply in the rhyming pattern.

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
The imagery is fairly straight forward here. For a non-poet like me, I really appreciate it because I can understand the poem much better than I do when there is a lot of less obvious imagery.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
"revive for they tried , tried and tried" That comma should be besides the first "tried."

Suggestions:
"we will remember them, long may it last." I was wondering if this might work better if you said, "long my they last." As it is, I think you're referring to the memory of them. However, I feel like it's a bit more powerful if you use "they" because then I think, though it essentially says the same thing, it would refer more to them lasting, instead of just their memory, though they'd only be lasting through the memory. It's just a though to consider...

This seems to be an even that was not in the U.S. and while I'm sure most in the host nation would recognize this situation, I don't know if I do. I think it would be helpful for some readers if there was either a link to an article or perhaps simply some background information. You can type it up and then change the color of the text to that dark grey and then we know it's not an official part of the poem. I feel like that would really help me appreciate this poem and the situation it represents. In any event, I'm sorry for the loss to your nation!

My Favorite Part:
Justice at last for those left in the past
no more should the flags fly at half mast.
for football could never be at it's best
we will remember them, long may it last.
I really like this opening stanza, especially the first and second lines.

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

185

#4245806

Review of When Should I Pray?

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I ran across your poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one person's opinion, so if you disagree, so be it. Take what's useful and ignore the rest. All my comments are given with love and the hope that you find them useful.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I find this to be a very powerful poem. The love for God that you have really comes through in this.

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
I didn't detect any specific meter, but for rhyming, it was couplets--AABBCC

Artistic Voice and Imagery:
This poem shows a deep love and admiration for God.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
"And victory has taken there place" Should be "their."

Suggestions:
I'd suggest increasing the font. (Highlight the whole thing, then click the three S's that are increasing in size. The standard size is 3. I usually pick 3.5, but not one will be upset if you pick 4. lol) Those bold parts are hard to read in the smaller font. Another option is to simply use the same font for both parts, but put God's part in bold.

My Favorite Part:
"It seems all will call on me when victory is their purpose." THAT'S the truth!
"Most forget all about me when there's no trouble on the horizon."
"When there is no emergency, who needs a siren?"
You have quite a way with words. Nicely done. I really appreciate the commentary here on humanity. It's sad, but oh, so accurate!
Well, Lord, please help me, never to forget,
That when it seems I do not need Thee; I need Thee the more yet.
Maybe I should commit that to memory to say.

Again, thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

186

#4245709

Review of A better tomorrow?

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
What a tragic story! I REALLY hope this isn't based on you! You didn't list it as "experience" but you used your name, so I'm worried. What does she have? On the good side, it's really well written, though.

Grammar and Mechanics:
“Mommy, mommy.” The second "mommy" should also be capitalized since it's being used as her name. The same goes for the next time he calls her. "...you must run...Run for your life...Or else you will die." Don't capitalize the words after the ellipses. (I used to do it too, until I Googled the rules on them. lol) "The pain once again awakens me..." You need a comma after "pain" and after "again."

Suggestions:
"“Mommy, mommy.” I jump up in terror..." If she jumped up in terror, I feel like he must have been shouting it, instead of just normally calling her, so I think there should be an exclamation point at the end of this instead of a period. The same goes for the next time he says, "Mommy, mommy." "“Lunch is served,” I call out as I head back to the couch." I feel like the reader might benefit from an extra blank space between paragraphs here to ensure they aren't momentarily confused and think they she is giving the kids pills for lunch. Just saying, it's what I thought. lol "Laying down once again I think to myself "My little men..."" I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "again" and after "myself."

Favorite Part:
"A piercing pain, like hundreds of bees are stinging me all at once, awakens me from the little sleep I get these day. “Not again,” I cry grabbing for the pills upon the nightstand. “Not again.” The pain will be in control for the rest of the day; it will leave me helpless." WOW! What an introduction! What a horrible life, but a great beginning to a story! "...I remove it and save the day." Hahaha!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

187

#4245690

Review of Tears From the Sky

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
What a lovely story! I really like this! Thanks for sharing!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"His family, his friends, his life ... it was all a memory, and he was living in a dream." There shouldn't be a space either before or after the ellipses, but good job not making the common mistakes of either capitalizing the first letter after the ellipses (I used to do that, myself) or putting more than three periods. "I care not for human life. I suffer, why not them?" There's an extra space before this sentence...like between paragraphs, not in the space in front of the sentence. lol "...as she drifted upwards into the darkend sky." That should be "darkened."

Suggestions:
"One late evening in the hottest summer in history..." I feel like there might need to be a comma after evening, but I could be wrong. You seem pretty good at punctuation, so... "...days in the heaven become the years of earth." I assume you meant "heavens." "She was still young and lovely just as he remembered." I'm pretty sure you need a comma after "lovely."

Favorite Part:
"With tears filling his eyes, the storm felt sorry for him." What an awesome introduction! I love it! "Run away from your pain." This is an interesting choice...that you don't say, "She said," yet I know exactly who is speaking. (Well, I had a 50-50 shot anyway. lol) "His family, his friends, his life ... it was all a memory, and he was living in a dream." You really have a way with words. "Please trust me, father. I will be back." It's good that he didn't say the storm loves him. I probably would have and would have ended up in a psych ward. lol "The winds sang a lonelier tune than before, and the rain was colder." Nicely done!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

188

#4245677

Review of In The News

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Wow! So much news I'd forgotten about! lol Thanks for the revisit.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...with a heart attach due to a potassium imbalance in 1990." Should be "heart attack." "...court case worth a reported2.5 million dollars..." There needs to be a space between "reported" and "2.5." (If it makes you feel any better, he lawyer probably took 40% and the government took probably at least that much, so he didn't end up with all that much.) "...prior to June of1990 while she was able to speak." There should be a space between "of" and "1990." "...a 9 year old girl from Homosassa Florida." That should be "nine-year-old" (or at least 9-year-old if you don't want to strictly follow the rules lol) and there should be a comma after "Homosassa." "He took her from her bedroom on February 23rd 2005..." That should be "February 23, 2005." "His sister, Dorothy and two other friends..." There should be a comma after "Dorothy." "...buying him a bus ticket to Savanna Georgia..." There should be a comma after "Savanna." "None of the players testifying,(except Canceco)saw any one using steroids..." There should be spaces before and after the parentheses. "Give me a break…. I am not here to talk about the past….Guilty…Let’s take away..." Ellipses are only three periods. If you need a period after them, don't put it, just let the last one stand as a period. Also, don't capitalize after an ellipses, nor is there usually a space, unless it's at the end of a sentence.

Suggestions:
I think that you should put a question mark after the title on your writing. (The title "What the Hell," not the title "In the News." lol) "The other side:" I was pleased to see you were going to attempt to show another side of this story (though I agree with you, but still, it's only fair...). Well, I feel like your "other side" was actually kind of more on the same side as the part above. lol Perhaps it's simply that you feel (or at least felt) too strongly about this to be able to give the other side.

Favorite Part:
"She collapsed at the age of 26, with a heart attach due to a potassium imbalance in 1990. A lack of oxygen to the brain from that resuscitation effort caused permanent brain damage." Wait...what? I just had to look her up and read a bit because I was so sure she had been in a car accident. (Which, ironically, is what you wrote about at the end of the other thing I reviewed. I guess that's not what happened, but even before reading your story, I thought that's what happened to her. Huh... "I am very interested in this right for life issue and it certainly invokes a much more realistic value on taking the time to make a living will." I'm glad you mentioned this again! "I wonder if the store price of computer programs to produce a living will mysteriously increase overnight like fuel prices." I like this sentence, but am not sure if I find it amusing or disturbing. lol "Perhaps he should be starved to death." Hahaha "...132 nationalists from suspected terrorist countries entered through the Southern border of the US last year." EEK! THAT'S SCARY! As a U.S. Soldier, I'm VERY not happy about that!!! "Perhaps he should be starved to death." Okay, totally inappropriate, but I really enjoy that you keep putting this in here for bad folks.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

189

#4245660

Review of Good-bye Terri

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Was that story at the end really what happened to her? I didn't know about all of that. I've just put her in Google to read later. The whole thing is fascinating and disturbing! Thanks for writing this and especially for the part at the end telling folks to get a living will. I fully agree!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"God bless your family and those good hearted people gathered in your behalf." That should be "good-hearted."

Suggestions:
"Where is the N.O.W. in your behalf?" I believe I know what "N.O.W." stands for, but do most folks? I'm not so sure. You might want to put it in parentheses...just a suggestion.

Favorite Part:
"I see now that it is over. Hope is gone; rest in peace." Nice opening line! "PETA would not allow you to starve if you were a dog, or a horse, or a feline." VERY good point! I didn't agree with the whole thing to begin with, but I never thought of it like THAT. That makes it WAY worse! "You have fewer rights than a death row inmate." Again, WOW! You really have a way of making your point! "I have a gut feeling, a sick premonition, a feeling about this porous case." Nice wording. "What future legal precedence is this case setting, in relation to our elderly care, our handicapped and abused citizens? A dangerous door has opened." Oh so very true! You have many excellent and valid (though disturbing) points here!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

190

#4245342

Review of Santa's Flyers

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Great story! I really enjoyed this one! The details you added really made it come alive. Wonderful job!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"SANTA's FLYERS" I think you just forgot to capitalize the possessive "s" after Santa. Then again, I didn't see any OTHER mistakes, so maybe that was done on purpose? I'm not sure why, though...

Suggestions:
"Adrian had his shirttail out, coke bottle eyeglasses, hat askew and a hole in one red slipper." I'd think either Adrian would have seen Mario remove his hat and done so, or Mario would have nudged him or whispered to him to do so...just my opinion.

“I talked to the reindeer and they aren’t terribly keen.” If the reindeer can talk, I'd think at least one of the two sick ones would insist that they could still go and either say it coughing the whole time or try to get up and can't or something to show they want to be there for Santa and the kids, but they are just too sick to. You have a good bit of space between the story and the copyright stuff. You could erase some of that.

Favorite Part:
"Santa trudged back to the log house, smoke rising from the chimney, snow drooping over the eaves." Great description here! “Sure. I’ll get them. You know, they’ve been doing a lot better. Got a whole doll assembled yesterday.” Awww...their boss is worried about them. How cute. "Mario doffed his green pointed hat." Nice sentence here.

"...Mario lecturing them on social manners." Great detail here. Hahaha! "Behind them, Donner rolled his eyes and pawed the ground." Hahaha I love that part. "“Try for Fairbanks!” Santa yelled." This part made me smile. I lived in Fairbanks just a few years ago. I used to visit North Pole. They have a guy that works as Santa there. He knew something about pretty much every town we were all from. (I'm in the Army, so my friends and I were from all over.) It was crazy!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

191

#4245306

Review of Evacuation by Doberman

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I love the fact that you tell this story from the dog's point of view. What a creative idea! I'm glad all your stuff was okay. Whew!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"I, being the gentle, cinnamon doberman I am, stand and watched the activity through the sliding glass door." I assume that should be "...stand and watch..." You're switching tenses. I do it all the time too--though usually from sentence to sentence, not within the same sentence. lol There are a couple other places you go back to past tense too.

Suggestions:
"Chairs flew, doors opened, suitcases came out and Mom and Dad behaved like something serious was happening." I would have expected that they'd already have known there was a fire and had been watching carefully. But maybe the fire just started? "I see the parking lot coming into view." It feels like the resort is really close, but that wouldn't make sense. I'd suggest something to give a sense of time or distance traveled to be safely away from the fire.

Favorite Part:
" Mom is in the file cabinet, throwing stuff into boxes. Dad is in the back closet getting wine. Dad obviously has his priorities." Hahaha! Awesome touch! "I sit on my haunches; looks like this could be interesting." I'm also amused by this part.

" Maybe they should try the IAMS for older dogs; keeps you calm." I'd expect it to give you energy, but still, funny statement. "I draw nose art all over the back window of the Montero in anticipation." What a creative and descriptive way to say this! I love it! I also love the ending! I wouldn't have thought about taking the trash out either. lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

192

#4244840

Review of Month of the Red X

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...every time I am “wrong”." In America, we always put the comma or period inside the quotation marks. Question marks and exclamation points vary depending on usage. In Europe, periods also vary depending on usage. I'm not sure about commas in Europe.

"...are all tore up for construction season." That should be "torn up." "...he just wanted the placed cleaned up – by cleaned up..." When using a dash in a place that doesn't automatically make dashes (such as on WdC), use two hyphens. Also, don't put a space before or after the hyphens. It should look like this "...cleaned up--by cleaned up..." "...all I could do was listen and “get it”." The period should be inside the quotation marks. "So at the end of the day that Monday after the long holiday..." I believe you need a comma after "so" and "day." "But they were okay. I hope there is nothing in there that will get us in trouble..." You keep switching tenses. I do it too. lol

Suggestions:
"That month had a sea of red check marks." I think a check and an X are different. I'd suggest either just "...sea of red" or "...sea of red marks." Just my opinion...

"...my next residence will be the moon." I don't really see how moving to the moon will help. You'll probably avoid mice, but the rest is just things going wrong, so that can happen anyway, just ask Apollo 13. lol

Favorite Part:
"My husband has a habit of putting a red x on the calendar every time I am “wrong”." WOW! What an opening sentence...and what a sucky thing to do. I hope you take this well...not sure I would. lol " Holy circuit breaker, Batman, I was ready to blow a fuse." Hahahaha!!! “Kill it. Get a gun and shoot it!” Lol--you're so funny!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

193

#4244830

Review of Never Underestimate Two Women

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a lovely and interesting piece. I enjoyed that it was a period piece as well. Nicely done. I'm glad I got to read it!

Grammar and Mechanics:
None noted--great work!

Suggestions:
I'd suggest you consider changing your introduction blurb at the top. It just says "Contest entry" but it's already in the Contest Entry folder, so we know. Your writing talent should be used here as well.

"But finding a means to even the score with Mr. James Buchanan was not something that could be accomplished with mere money. It would make things difficult, but not impossible." To me, it almost sounds like the money would make it difficult to even the score. I assume you are referring to them being female. "... the intelligence and determination of a woman who has been played..." To me, "being played" is a modern term, albeit for an ancient act. I'd suggest a different word such as "deceived" or "used." That's just my opinion...

Favorite Part:
"She sat soaking in the hot water of the round tin tub; out the north window snow hung like a sheet on a clothesline, but the room was bright with the fire on the hearth and redolent of lavender water. Across the room and behind the privacy screen, in a similar tub of lavender water, was the other woman in James Buchanan’s life. It may have been accidental that both of them ended up at the same bathhouse. It may have been coincidental that their conversation turned from polite small talk to the man in each of their lives. Stunned silence emanated from both sides of the room when the two women realized they were talking about the same man. It was with dead reckoning when the first invitation to get even with Mr. James Buchanan was uttered." WOW! You have an awesome way to introduce your story here. I love this first paragraph--between the beautiful descriptions and the way you draw us into the drama of the story...all very well done! You have quite a talent for words! "...although not particularly attractive in the modern sense of the word..." That's funny since this isn't a story set in the current times. lol

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

194

#4244463

Review of Unforgettable Moments

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is a nicely written short story that gives the reader more information and background about you. I love that in a piece! Nice work! Touching and interesting story!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"After that, all other toys were forgotten, fot there was only one..." Fot? I'm assuming this is a typo.

Suggestions:
"I remember it so vividly as if all of that happened yesterday." Saying we remember something like it was yesterday seems too common, in my humble opinion. I'm pretty sure you have a more creative idea in there than that. It's a good placeholder for now and I really like the idea that you open talking about how vivid the memory is. But I'd like to see you try something a little different from "yesterday." "It was simply expensive, she said." I feel like you meant to say "...simply too expensive..." It would be GREAT if you uploaded a picture of her for this piece since you still have her! (Don't ask me how, I'm the newbie. lol)

Favorite Part:
Your tagline, "Something I hold dear" is exactly what drew me in to read this piece. I wanted to know more about you. Plus, I saw it listed as "experience" and I really dig those as well. I enjoy getting to know more about people and learning from them and their experiences. This piece was a great example of what I like to read! "The weather was cold, cloudy, some raindrops here and there, and that's how my mood was." Hahaha! I love this statement! Perfect! I can totally see you as a little kid!

"I did not beg or scream so I could get what I wanted." Wow! Your parents were LUUUUCKYYYYY! That was some great parenting skills they had!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

195

#4244369

Review of To a Brave American Soldier:

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I know I'm using my short story template for this letter, but I don't have a letter template and I REALLY wanted to review this for G.o.T. for your celebration! I'm a Soldier, so I support anyone supporting us every chance I get!

This is a wonderful letter expressing gratitude and it makes me feel great! It was also extremely well written with only one typo that I noticed and lots of beautiful descriptions! Well done!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...to get ready for the farmer market." Should be "...farmer's market."

Suggestions:
"I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your service to your country." I'd suggest "our" country, but that's just my opinion.

"Our flag is flying freely throughout these United States, because of you..." I'm not sure that comma is necessary.

Favorite Part:
"You and your fellow soldiers make huge sacrifices so our country can be a better place to live." You have NO IDEA! lol I'd researched and dated military guys and about 70% of my family has been in the military at some point, so I thought I was prepared for what to expect when I joined. I was NOT. WOW! The military goes through a LOT. Yet, most of us wouldn't choose any other life...or we would have already.

But I just didn't know things like that I'd be on a roster to work 24 hrs straight (in some places we did that about once a week, though it was usually more like once every 4-6 weeks in most places)...and that 24 hrs isn't really 24 hrs because I have to get up and do PT at 5:30, then shower and change and be ready to work at 8, THEN work 24 hours. (In a REALLY crappy place you can't even watch TV or play on your computer during your 24 hr shift...just read the whole time, which gets hard around 3 a.m. We're usually just staying awake in case there's some emergency like a Soldier gets arrested or if you work in the hospital, you're answering the phones at 2 a.m. when the civilians are home in bed. I'm not talking about guarding Ft. Knox here. Just that someone (usually 2-3 people) have to stay up in every unit every night. The worst place I ever did that was in an open bay of a barracks where I couldn't even talk to my counterpart above a low whisper, so we had to sit close to each other and lean in the whole night and I did that about once a week for 6 months. Ick!) Then, when your relief comes at a little before 8, you have to brief them, then after you're relieved you have to brief your supervisor. If all goes smoothly, you're home by 9, but if not, it may be the afternoon before you get to leave. More times than I can count I've been told I couldn't leave because we had some sort of mandatory training when I was supposed to be home in bed on "recovery." Being up 30 hrs is pretty normal...35 happens more than you'd like. AND you have to drive home. But if you have an accident, guess who gets in trouble...not the Army... That's just one example of the things we do/go through that most folks don't know about. Okay, I'll be quiet now and get back to your lovely letter...

(TRULY, I DO LOVE THE ARMY, though I complain sometimes. lol) "I just cannot imagine what it must be like to constantly live with danger going on all around you." It can get addictive, honestly. A lot of Soldiers get in trouble or even get killed doing risky things after deployment. A friend and I were comparing notes and we both started picking up hitchhikers after we got back because we needed a sense of danger. Crazy! (We've both quit that by now. lol) Of course, that constant sense of danger is what causes PTSD and that can be incredibly destructive on a life! "Some of you are so young, leaving your homes to venture into enemy territory." GREAT DESCRIPTION!!! "Just remember you are not alone, God is watching over you." Thank you for the reminder! "I live in rural Minnesota on a hobby farm where we raise sheep, one llama, ducks, geese and chickens." If you're ever looking to add to your farm, I'd like to suggest you check out the Livestock Conservancy https://LivestockConservancy.org where they work to save almost 200 breeds of farm animals that are at risk for extinction. Want to add more animals, look into them and the breeds they protect. There is even a breeder's directory where you can find the animals you're interested in.

"Nicholas and Leah love going down the long aisles of tomatoes, the green foliage dotted with lots of red tomatoes makes for some pretty pictures that we show at the market" Great image! "It makes for quite a picturesque setting with the white sheep grazing on the green pastures." That sounds BEAUTIFUL! "Our llama is black and white and does silly things like lie on his back with his feet up in the air." HAHAHAHA!!! I hope you've posted those pictures EVERYWHERE on the internet!!! LOL I have some alpacas (purchased because I have a minor traumatic brain injury and can't make good decisions sometimes--I'm getting medically retired from Iraq). Thankfully, they don't do that! lol "I think I’m not alone when I say that we would like to have you and your fellow soldiers back home with your families again." Thank you, but I don't want us to come home until everything is stable or all those lives will have been lost for nothing. Whether we should have gone over in the first place, I can't say, but I think Iraq shows the dangers of us coming back too soon.

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

196

#4243968

Review of Young Fame Revoked

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
I really love your sense of humor and your writing style! Fantastic work here!

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Or maybe I wanted to hear a teacher say The test is canceled, Karie." What the teacher says should be in quotation marks. "Maybe I should explain the week a little clearer." I believe that should be "clearly" instead of "clearer."

Suggestions:
Except maybe to change the sister's name so it's not quite so similar as to momentarily confuse the reader, but maybe that's part of the fun. lol

Favorite Part:
"A fateful story below. How I won. This is also how I lost. Every word here is written by me: Karie Jana Muller.
Before you read: Don’t tell anyone.
A month ago: A longing for cash and the desire for fame. I had it all worked out..." That's a great hook. I'm interested as soon as I begin reading!
"One thing was left on my list.
Find a way to get famous.
And this is why I signed up for a contest. That endless month ago." That sounds like me with Game of Thrones, except I didn't do it for fame, but it sure seems like an "endless month ago." lol P.S. Game of Thrones is why I'm reviewing you.

"I am trying to drum this into your head before we go on further." Hahaha! I love that line! "Was I expecting it? Maybe. What could a teen do? Especially when facing the math homework of nightmares." Heeheehee! "It could’ve been a little showier in my opinion, but it didn’t matter." I just love your writing style! Great stuff here! Your description of your progress on your idea is priceless! I LOVE IT!!! I loved your writing so much, I decided to "fan" you!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

197

#4243938

Review of The Lucky Paper Boy

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
This is an interesting look into the early morning life of a paper boy. It brings back memories, except that I was older and drove. lol

Grammar and Mechanics:
"“extra-terrestrials moving among us unawares”." In Europe, the period can go either inside or outside the quotation marks, depending on usage. However, in the U.S., it only goes on the inside of quotation marks.

"...jeans and two pairs of socks. One cotton and one wool." Just so you know, the descriptions of the socks isn't a complete sentence. An option would be to write "...two pairs of socks--one cotton and one wool." But I SUPPOSE you could claim artistic license and keep it how it is. lol

Suggestions:
None--great job!

Favorite Part:
"...left the house quietly. “No need to wake up the whole family” Dad had told him." lol Yep, I can see that! "He moved out onto the step. The snow crunched under his boots. The cold felt sharp in his nose. His breath hanging in the stillness." GREAT descriptions here! "He crunch-crunch-crunched his way over to the side of the garage..." I love how you wrote that sound." "...which in the silence sounded like tiny mechanical screams." You REALLY have a way with words! Great work! "Some of these customers had the unfortunate habit of waiting angrily in bathrobe and slippers to tongue lash the little reprobate who had the temerity to bring THEIR paper late." I'm not sure whether to smile or cringe at this site. Poor paper boys! "Dogs barked. People coughed. Cats scurried from shadow to shadow." More descriptions I especially liked!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

198

#4243821

Review of The Lab

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with The Witch's House

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Wonderful story--I TOTALLY LOVE IT! AWESOME!

Plot:
A scientist and a guard are discussing the new sequence of alien characters coming up and what they mean.

Style and Voice:
The style and voice of this piece seemed natural and appropriate.

Scene/Setting:
An underground lab/cave in Peru

Characters:
Marie and the lieutenant (and some aliens acting off screen)

Dialogue:
The dialogue seemed natural and appropriate for this short story. I liked the back and forth with the characters and how their emotions seemed to play out fairly.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"I’m not sure but this is the most amount of data..." I believe there should be a comma after "sure."

Suggestions:
I don't have any suggestions--this is a great story!

Favorite Part:
Xenomathematicians--Sweet word!

I love it! lol "“Blah…blah,” I mocked. “I’ll let my men worry about that.”" Funny...but I wouldn't want him in charge of protecting me. Hahaha "It says, message received." This part made my stomach nervous and that part made my physically smile because I knew I was reading good writing! lol "“This place isn’t a lab,” she explained. “It’s a slaughterhouse.”" Super awesomely amazing ending!!! I LOVE IT! I didn't see this coming (except that I knew it was something bad). How awesome is that?! I love twists at the end and this certainly was one!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

199

#4243803

Review of CHAPTER FIVE- Enter the Hero

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Another interesting chapter. Alas, I'm reviewing for Game of Thrones and my leader will get mad if I spend any more time in here. lol But nice, creative work.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"...I could find eight legs dragging a large bulbous body between on tree and another." I assume that should be "...one tree..." "...the glop seemed to whether, it sunk down and simply slipped off of me." I assume that should be "wither" instead of "whether." "...it was the faint marks on my chest remained." That should probably be "...chest that remained." "...I fought was a seasoned adventure..." I'm guessing that should be "adventurer." "I walked through a path leading pasted several black wreckages." I'm not sure if this should be "past" or "passed" as I get them mixed up, but I KNOW it's shouldn't be "pasted." lol "...the marketplace that would was once a hub of activity and life." I assume "would" shouldn't be there. "Cosmos shadow appeared..." Should be "Cosmo's shadow..." "...so with Cosmo showing me how I sat up..." Should be a comma after "how." "...but at least now I wouldn’t be holding in its place." Should be "...holding it in its place." "...a twisted ankle and a swollen bloody face." Comma after "swollen." "...it means ‘light bearer’ or ‘brightness’.” we had sat facing the village..." Capitalize "we." "Bandits, they wore animal furs..." That comma should be a dash (which is made with two hyphens here like "Bandits--they wore..." or ellipses (the three periods). "he was serious, so much so that I found myself awestruck..." "He" should be capitalized. "...any serious bandit groups nearby.”, with that he turned around and continued walking." There shouldn't be a period after "nearby" and the comma should be inside the quotation marks (if you live in the U.S.--if you live outside, I'm not sure, but in the U.S., all commas and periods go inside the quotation marks where question marks and exclamation points vary by usage...in Europe, all three vary by usage, but again, I don't know about commas there).

Suggestions:
"...causing some steps to support the hard coral while others resulted in my foot being briefly stuck." FYI, coral is very sharp and if you're stepping on it or even rubbing legs against it, you will get cut. lol "Like a predator stalking its prey..." Not a bad place to start a new paragraph if you'd like.

Favorite Part:
"The sentient glop clung to my torso, burning the fur that covered it, spreading out to my arms as I ran and thrashed desperately to get clear of it." Nice description! "...he appeared as a morning star that briefly outshone the sun itself." WOW! Fantastic writing!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

200

#4243759

Review of CHAPTER FOUR- A Vengeful Return

Review by Schnujo is Late...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Howdy!

I'm glad I found your story. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. Remember, this is just one opinion, so take what you like and leave the rest. Everything is said with love and in hopes that it helps!

Overall Impression:
Interesting story. I started here, in part, because of the title. Very creative story. Nicely done, though I'd probably benefit from starting from the beginning. lol

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Then, I brought it down on the little trolls head..." Should be "...troll's head..." Also, I'd recommend saying the "littler troll's head" since you've already described them both as little trolls, so I don't know which you mean here. "I, Robert was gone, the bear stood alone..." You also need a comma after "Robert." "I entered the dark damp cave." You also need a comma after "dark." "...they weren’t under Me's' spell anymore." That should be "...under Me's spell..." "...the darkest depths of the cave, here; lay all the treasures..." That comma should be a semi-colon and I'm pretty sure that semi-colon shouldn't be anything.

"One, the youngest had a pregnant swollen belly." You need a comma after "youngest." "Me, surprised at my appearance looked back with a rather terrified look on her face then readied herself in a heartbeat." Comma after "appearance" and probably after "then." "Hurt she looked up and rushed a small muffled speech..." You need a comma after "hurt." "...wearing fur pelts and armed with sharpened sticks they stumbled off..." Comma after "sticks." "...but as luck would have it I found shelter..." Comma after "it." "...while being surrounded by all sides with a purple flower." Should be surrounded on all sides..." "She didn’t, Mother was strong." That comma should be a semi-colon because those are two complete sentences. "...it is nature's way.” was this really its attempts..." "Was" should be capitalized. "After I was satisfied it could hold me I clambered..." Comma after "me."

Suggestions:
"...completely unsuspecting of my betrayal, I Two whole years had passed..." I feel like this was supposed to be two separate sentences. "Once done, I scooped up some mud and, grimaced at the prospects of what I was about to do. Once done I gathered my resolve..." I don't recommend using "once done" twice so close. "She attempted to retreat from the melee..." This might be a good place to start a new paragraph as this one is really long. "I stood tall over the tiny troll." Maybe another paragraph break here. "My dreams wondered oddly..." I think you mean "wandered" here. New Horizons offers a comma class here on WdC.

Favorite Part:
"A pair of brain-dead little trolls, looking artlessly out at the lush woods before them..." Great description! "It was like watching a row of dominoes." Wonderful sentence! If you'd said they fell like dominoes, I wouldn't have liked it because I've heard it a million times. Yet, this seems fresh. Good work! "I couldn’t breathe, the guilt choked me." Nice! We have trouble breathing when we cry, but he's now also having trouble from guilt. I like it!

Thank you again for sharing your story! Keep writing!

WHITE WALKERS WIN

FORUM

(13+)
Returning in April - Prep starts March 1st
#456789 by Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm