This was a very touching story. See "Invalid Item"  for more information on my reviewing techniques.
Basic Structure - 2 of 5 stars
 Correct Item. – You have this listed under ‘other’; I would list it as a short-story. If it is true, then consider listing it as ‘nonfiction’. In your bio, you call this a ghost story. This isn’t a ghost story per se, although it has a ghost in it; I would change the ‘ghost’ in your genre rating to ‘spiritual’. (A ghost story is typically more horror/scary, and the ghost is actually involved (even if it is unknown as a ghost until the end). Also, you have this listed as ‘E’ but given Jeremy’s profanity at the end, this should be at least 13+. See "Content Rating System (CRS)" [13+].
Spacing. –
in his / later day Unnecessary line break
tried again. / “Mom,” Need another line break btw these paragraphs
to / An end unnecessary line break
smoke being / blown away Unnecessary line break
by / the diabetes Same
be / tethered Same
want…” / The nurse Extra line break needed
pictures / frozen in No line break needed
the / chair. Same; I’m not listing any more. You need to go through and just look at your piece to see where line breaks in the middle of the paragraphs occur
I forced my mind elsewhere. Need another line break btw paragraphs
Dialogue. –
“We’ve never heard her say more than Mama, Dad a or bye bye, Jere.” No clue who is saying this
Punctuation. –
the tour I could comma after ‘tour’
Dale, my husband comma after ‘husband’
energy levels he never comma after ‘levels’
was at least, comma after ‘was’
Dale, I’m sure could see comma after ‘sure’
“Ah,” I grinned too. Period after ‘ah’, comma after ‘grinned’
To find this dye had to be comma after ‘this’
Alarmed she said, “What’s wrong.” comma after ‘alarmed’, question mark at end of question; incidentally, she doesn’t say this, she asks, so I would change it
impersonation, “I vant period after ‘impersonation’
Jeremy’s sister Rachel Comma after ‘sister’
jealous, that he was no comma needed
impediment.” I had comma after ‘impediment’
walk.. Only one period needed
“Rachel come here.” Jeremy comma after ‘Rachel’ and ‘here’
all smiles her little comma after ‘smiles’
Daddy.” He comma after ‘daddy’
Daddy.” She parroted comma after ‘daddy’ and lowercase ‘she’
it’s May I” Jeremy comma after ‘I’ and quotes around ‘May I’; ie it’s ‘May I’,” Jeremy
Jeremy, “went down” No comma needed
As we were leaving a friend comma after ‘leaving’
‘a ride.’” put the ‘ before the period; ie ‘a ride’.”
I turned to Venus, “Remind me Period after ‘Venus’
ride,’ that No comma after ‘ride’
in a hotel room, there at the casino No comma after ‘room’
Spelling. –
step daughter one word
step-daughter same
back drop one word
water fall same
to / An end lowercase ‘an’
Young man lowercase ‘young’
ever shrinking hyphenate
Need a lot lowercase ‘need’
4 buttons spell out ‘four’
The doctor lowercase ‘the’
step-fathers no hyphen; you use this version a couple times
over night overnight
Missing Jeremy lowercase ‘missing’
Intermediate Structure – 2 of 5 stars
Sentence construction. –
It was a bright and beautiful day so very opposite of my mood This is a little bit awkward; you cold also consider trying to convey the narrators mood by how she views the bright and beautiful day (the sun glared hard, making me crinkle my eyes and frown, etc)
In my heart was the heavy lead weighted pain. Awkward
I knew I wasn’t the only one who had lost Jeremy, but I was the one who had lost an appendage in losing him Repetition
I was just the back drop to his doings Awkward
I was more than just grieved, as if that wasn’t enough, I was also very lost Awkward; perhaps I was more than just grieved, I was also very lost, though even that could use some smoothing
Sometimes I was even unsure of how to function the ‘even’ is unnecessary
Venus, my stepdaughter, and I walked down the hill to meet Dale, my husband where
we had left him in the gift shop. Awkward; there is too much information packed in this sentence, with the introductions to your husband & stepdaughter. Consider something more like My stepdaughter, and I walked down the hill to meet Dale where we had left him in the gift shop. and then introducing Venus in the next sentence or two (or earlier on); or, you could reverse with Venus and I walked down the hill to meet my husband where we had left him in the gift shop. Also consider reshaping the end to read in the gift shop where we had left him, also less awkward
Thinking on that, I realized too that Jeremy wouldn’t have been able to have made it up that hill in his later days. Awkward
Between the breathing apparatus that had sustained him and before that with just his declining energy levels Awkward; perhaps more of a With his declining energy levels and, finally, the breathing apparatus that had sustained him…
She could talk for hours and never have said anything at all, as annoying as this could be, at that moment the sound was almost comforting Runon sentence; start new with ‘at that moment’
I had never had a child stay the night in a hospital before and this was to be a two week stay. Repetition; consider spend the night
I started to talk and words were running like a water fall to this 4 year old Awkward
Only I didn’t stop there I went on and on. Runon sentence
to comb his own blonde hair as I brushed my own long red locks repetition; also, you are back-to-back hitting us with hair color, so it is unlikely we will remember which had what color hair, making this an awkward description, as well
he turned, took my face in his little hands and turned my face Reptition
Things that just seemed to filter through me, and I just allowed it. Awkward; I’m unsure what you mean. Also, you repeat yourself
To find this dye had to be run in, but if this was a tethered cord, to numb him at the normal spot could to damage to the nerve cord at the lower extremity, so this was run the dye in through a foramin (natural hole in the bone) near in the neck area. Awkward; there is too much information in this sentence. I would break it up some more.
told him that this new little person would Need a lot of help getting started on being as wonderful and capable as he was Awkward, also you have a line break in here before ‘need’
Ben was agreeing Awkward; Ben agreed
One of 4 buttons and the other row had three. Fragment
Have you asked he mother? ‘his’ mother, or ‘the’ mother
code blue team. There were frantic moments before the team Repetition
Both the men Jeremy’s step-fathers Awkward; this information needs to be communicated earlier (that Ben is not the father)
My mind drifted the blind high school student doing his class play. Awkward
The school had not been able to find Jeremy an aide, so I told them and Jeremy that I would be happy to do it. Jeremy will be Jeremy’s aide? Unclear; I think you mean that you would do it
I smiled, “Well this was more than one of your ‘little rides,’” I said. Runon sentence
started talking about the arcade at 95 miles an hour Unclear if the arcade is going at 95 mph or the talking
We ate well, we gambled, Venus got to do the arcade and then we settled down for the night in a hotel room, there at the casino. Awkward sentence; it doesn’t function well as a paragraph. A little more elaboration would be in effect – did she continue to remember Jeremy or move on? Also, consider dropping ‘there’ and rephrasing Venus got to do the arcade
I was sure it was Dale trying to comfort me when I opened my eyes Awkward; weren’t you sure it was Dale before you opened your eyes?
. I was sure it was Dale trying to comfort me when I opened my eyes, but there in front of me was Jeremy as solid and real as he had ever been in life, his big blue eyes staring into mine. Runon sentence; break in two
Paragraph construction. –
in so many ways. He had been a constant companion and in many ways Repetition
I started to talk and words were running like a water fall to this 4 year old. I started talking Repetition
things to play with. There would be games to play, nice nurses and other children to play with Repetition
Finally, he turned, took my face in his little hands and turned my face to his. We were almost nose to nose and he almost shouted, “Mom!” Finally my torrent Repetition
mussing the hair that he had just combed. He let out a disgusted sigh as I had just mussed his hair. Repetition
That memory faded off into the distance, This sentence doesn’t fit well into this paragraph; it is a sudden jump.
next hospital visit. This visit Repetition; perhaps This time?
These punctures later with their mercurochrome paint looked like Jeremy had been bitten by a vampire. I had told him so. These sentences don’t fit into this part of the paragraph; consider moving the last line about the warning before it, then describe the bites. Consider merging these two sentences…I had told Jeremy that these punctures, with their…
rocking backwards in our old green upholstered rocking chair. He was small for his age and it was the only way that he could make it rock. As he rocked Repetition
Even though the actor was, the character was not. This sentence does not belong in this spot of the paragraph; move it back a few lines
Those were happier days. My conscious mind told me that I would never regret those days. Repetition; you repeat the word ‘day’ in the next sentence (in the next paragraph) as well. Also, these lines don’t fit in this spot, as you return to it and ask Jeremy if his mom will cramp his style.
cry myself to sleep. I had turned to face the wall and was weeping softly, drifting off to sleep, Repetition
Progressiveness of Story. –
You contradict yourself. First you say Jeremy, my son had been blind and had always been attached to me by the elbow. The implication here is that he has always been blind, thus always attached. But when he goes into the hosptial, you so that he could see in the mirror to comb his own blonde hair ; so he wasn’t blind then? Later we find out that he gradually went blind, but as I said, this contradicts the previous info; I would rephrase the first sentence to more like Since Jeremy went blind when he was whatever age, he had been attached to my elbow
You tell us that Dale…led us back off to the truck but never mention anything about getting in and driving. Suddenly, we learn I noticed that we weren’t headed toward home. This puzzles the reader, leaving us confused about the action we missed.
Thinking on that lead to the memory of a discussion regarding Jeremy’s sister with
Ben, my second husband. This paragraph is extremely awkward and disconcerting; it doesn’t fit in with the flow of the piece. Also, it is unclear that we are discussing Rachel after she has been born; there is no time transition involved so we think you might be discussing Jeremy’s jealousy issues with Ben. It would also be good to know Rachel’s age so we can get an idea for how concerned they are – is she two and not talking (still not worrisome) or four (more concern)?
Jeremy instructed. / “May I have a cookie please?” Rachel said as instructed Repetition
She had been talking to him the entire time but not to us. This sentence/paragraph is improperly placed; you should reach this realization after she asks for the cookie
rocking backwards in our old green upholstered rocking chair. He was small for his age and it was the only way that he could make it rock. I am unclear of any other way of making a rocking chair rock other than rocking backwards?
My mind flashed to discovering the kidney problems and I winced as I heard in my head
The doctor pronouncing the verdict. Awkward sentence in and of itself, but the transition here is also awkwardly done.
Content - 6 of 10 stars
Plot Strength. – This reads as a short story, which is how I’m going to critique it. It may be nonfiction, but it is told in story form, so it is obviously not an essay or article.
That said, your plot/storyline is interesting. You have a mother dealing with grief over the death of her son. However, the way you develop it is a little awkward. This story is mostly told in the form of flashbacks, but there isn’t a lot of information to help us know at what point the flashbacks are occuring (ie the ages of the children). Also, I had to question the phrase We needed to breathe fresh air This raises some eyebrows; my first thought was “fresh air in a cave?”
In terms of children’s ages, some examples are:
Venus was prattling on as she often did. This raises the question of how old Venus is; you may want to insert it around here or even earlier; consider pratteling on with her six-year-old exuberance (thirteen year old self-centeredness, etc)
my little man would be jealous One wonders how old Jeremy was at this time – two? Four?
Character definition. – The mother’s grief is fairly well developed. Jeremy is a little more static and unchanging; it’s hard to get a grasp on him through the many flashbacks. The hardest of all to handle is the large number of stepfathers – they blur together. The daughter and stepdaughter are also unclear and undeveloped. If any of these need more development, it would be the current husband, Dale, and stepdaughter, Venus, as they play a role in the “action” sequence of the story. Another thing you leave out is Jeremy’s reaction to going blind – we see his faith at four but wonder if he maintains that through his teen years.
Language. – Your language is mostly telling, with very little showing. One exception is the situation where Jeremy counts (and adds) the buttons on the rocking chair. Examples, however, include the aforementioned introductory line, where you tell us the mood rather than showing us and the way you talked over Jeremy when he was going to the hospital. You need to give us a better idea of scenery and facial expressions, as opposed to just telling us how you felt.
Reaction. – This was a heartwrenching piece to read as a mother. It was interesting, but the large number of errors – spelling, punctuation, and awkward and confusing sentences – make it hard to stay motivated to finish the story.
Flow – 2 of 5 stars
Sentence flow. – You have a large number of awkward sentences that break the flow of the piece. It is hard to stay in the story you are creating with these sentences.
Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs are unweildy. You frequently go in one direction, then jump to another, then back to the first; I’ve tried to point out several of these occurances. This makes it difficult to comprehend what is being said.
Progression. – As you move from action to flashback – or even from flashback to flashback – it is difficult to follow exactly when we are. You need to work on the transitions between these sections, as well as transitions between paragraphs.
Overall: This was a heart-wrenching (and hopefully fictional) story.
3 suggestions for improvement:
Suggestion #3 - Clear up the awkward sentences to make it easier to read.
Suggestion #2 – Smooth out the transitions within and between paragraphs.
Suggestion #1 – Fix the basic technical errors – spelling, punctuation, and line breaks.
Star Total: 12/25
Averaged: 2.4
Rounded: 2.5
Write on!
SG
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but basically just stop with the hustle/bustle and relax. All because your piece successfully inspired and convinced me. So if that’s not a reaction, I don’t know what is! (I suppose a REALLY good reaction would’ve involved me not reviewing this piece right now and going to do nothing, but I figured I owed you at least that.