This is an interesting folk tale retold. You do a good job of capturing the essence and tone of a legend of this sort. See "Invalid Item" for more information on my reviewing techniques.
Basic Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars
Correct Item. – This is correctly labled as a short story, and you have chosen appropriate genres to list it under
Title & Description. – Your title and genre are appropriate
Spacing. – I highly recommend doublespacing between paragraphs. At the very least, you should using WritingML to indent (type {indent#} w/no #). This makes reading it easier on the eyes
Dialogue. – Your dialogue tags are correct
Punctuation. – You have a lot of trouble with punctuation, specifically commas. I recommend "Invalid Item"
Some spots I noticed:
“Devil,” Stingy Jack called out, “the period after 'out', capitilize 'the'
Once the barkeep had drifted off to sleep the Devil, could then change comma after 'sleep' none after 'Devil'
Enraged that Jack had tricked him the Devil attempted to change his form comma after 'him'
Jack promised to free the Devil only, if the Devil promised no comma
of 10 years,” Jack was laughing so hard he could scarcely form the words. “ period after 'years'
He would trouble Jack no more, for the time of 10 years no comma
In rural Ireland people still believe comma after 'Ireland'
they should turn the other way for no one wants to meet with Jack comma after 'way'
Spelling. –
dull witted hyphenate
the devil capitalize
bar keep later you make this one word. I'm not sure if it should be one or two, but you should be consistant
bar tender but this is one word
he went off wondering wandering
one of those juicy fruit fruits
foudn found
of 10 years spell out 'ten'; you should spell out numbers ten and lower
no more then 7 years 'seven'
Intermediate Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars
Sentence construction. – Your sentences are a little shaky and hard to follow at times.
It is not a wise thing to deal with the Devil This doesn't quite fit in; do you perhaps mean it is not wise to compare yourself (or be compared with?) the Devil?
Standing bent and crooked in the road, he This sentence implies Jack is bent & crooked, but I think you might mean the Devil.
the sun rose Stingy Jack decided the evening of revelry had come to an end as he unsteadily rose to his feet Repetition
Jack promised to free the Devil only, if the Devil promised repetition
The Devil, with his ferocious smile, agreed to Jack’s terms with a bemused chuckle A few odd quirks here. First, how is he smiling AND chuckling at the same time? Second, why would he do either? He has just lost a soul, which should anger him. He should be fuming, I would think.
The Devil’s head drooped with shame, as he confessed that Jack had tricked him and he indeed would not claim his soul, but…not even the Devil himself could match Stingy Jack’s miserly ways and so the Devil offered Jack a gift; a single ember, said to be a spark of Hell’s flames, to light his way through the frigid eternal darkness. There is a lot of info in this single sentence. I recommend breaking it up because the meaning is lost. Also, I am unclear why the Devil is giving Jack a gift? Because he can't match Jack?
Paragraph construction. – You need to break more frequnetly for paragraphs. A great read is "How To Write A Good Paragraph" by Holly Abidi which will be very helpful, I think.
Your introductory paragraph is a little roughly put together. Your two sentences don't quite mesh; I would try to smooth out the transition.
was answered by silence and the glint of the Devil’s gnarled smirk. within this paragraph, you frequently repeat 'the Devil', which is a bit monotonous. In some places you can get by with 'he', but here, you can just say the glint of a gnarled smirk (great image, btw).
“Devil,” Stingy Jack called out, “the should be a new paragraph
That year was Stingy Jack’s best New paragraph
That year was Stingy Jack’s best, for he knew that he could not suffer in Hell for any of his deeds. In fact, he had such a wonderful time that Jack scarcely noticed the passing of an entire year Repetition of time passing.
Upon seeing the Devil’s predicament Jack leapt from the bushes exclaiming that he had carved a cross on the base of the tree! Oddly worded. Why not just have Jack stand below, or state Jack had carved…?
Progressiveness of Story. – As I said, your paragraph breaks are a bit shaky. You do a good job, however, of moving from one to the next within the story.
Content – 8.75 of 10 stars
Plot Strength. – This is a great story. It was fascinating and intriguing to read. There were a few logistic questions that I had, however.
he could not pay the bar keep You never said anything about going to a bar. I was under the impression they drank from a flask or something similar. This leaves your reader scratching his head and breaks the reverie.
should Jack die, he would not claim his soul I am unclear as to whether this is limited to the year. Does that mean that Jack won't be claimed if he dies in that year, or for any time?
Character definition. – Jack was well defined, and the Devil fulfilled his role as a trickster. I would like to see a few things elaborated. For instance, you've mentioned that Jack is a drunkard, a liar, and a miser who took especial delight in separating the dull witted from their belongings. He doesn't strike me as someone who would be carrying around an ornate crucifix in his pocket. Also, I'm uncertain as to several of the Devil's actions, as mentioned.
Language. – Your language here is perfect. I felt like I was back reading old folk tales in school or something. You caught the storytellers rhythem perfectly.
Reaction. – This gave me quite the chuckle, although it left me with a few questions. You did a good job of telling the tale and capturing the age.
Flow – 4 of 5 stars
Sentence flow. – You had a few rough sentences, but overall, the piece flowed smoothly.
Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs didn't quite mesh together at various points. They need to be divided up a bit more.
Progression. – You progress smoothly and logically through the story.
3 suggestions for improvement:
Suggestion #3 – Watch out for technical errors, especially those commas.
Suggestion #2 – Break up the paragraphs a bit more
Suggestion #1 – I would like a little clarification on the odd points of the story
Overall: As I said, you captured the essence of the old storyteller; I felt like I was listening to an old-timer while sitting on the front porch. Jack's antics are humerous and enjoyable to read.
Star Total: 20.25/25
Averaged: 4.05
Rounded: 4.0
Write on!
SG
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