*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scottiegaz/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
Review Requests: OFF
890 Public Reviews Given
961 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 4 5 6 7 -8- 9 10 11 12 13 ... Next
176
176
Review of The Gallery  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


This was a touching reunion story. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 3.5 of 5 stars – I would recommend doublspacing between paragraphs for easier on-screen reading. Many folks on the site will close a document without reading if it has one large block of text.

was te sun to 'the'

"How ironic" she thought comma after 'ironic'

to change then, was what I appreciate no comma

se ran 'she'

"Bella" he breathed comma after 'bella'

"I'm sorry" the same

had left,nearly space after comma

Intermediate Structure – 3.5 of 5 stars

I like your introduction sentence. It is strong and draws interest to the piece

Weak sunlight caught his attention, accustomed as he was to his constant shadows. He stopped his dark reflections to study it. Unclear what he is studying – the weak sunlight or his shadows.

Head tilted to the side, his face a portrait of ambiguity. Sentence fragment. Also, this makes it seem like this is what he sees, along with The silver in his sable hair . Your jump is too quick; you need to reveal what he is studying and/or why

It reminded him of her. Again, vague. Does 'it' refer to sunlight or shadows?

It was like she had broken the glass he barricaded himself behind; where he could see things from, but couldn't taste them, smell them, feel them The two parts don't work well together

Turned around once more, met her eyes, and she knew then that he wasn't fooled Fragmented; you switch subjects, which makes this hard to follow

Your conclusion also is apt.

Content – 6.25 of 10 stars – This is basically the classic reunion-type story. Both realize they made a mistake and fix it. You agonize from both point-of-views, which is a little confusing and hard to follow, but also gives us a balanced look. Your characters are pretty flat. Most of what we see of them is told to us via thoughts and memories, rather than shown or revealed. A little more action could give us better insights into their characters. Your language is very vague. You tend to use 'it' a lot, and also frequently include the passive voice (is, was, am, etc). Try to use stronger verbs.

I think this piece would be stronger if you took us through more of the relationship OR if you cut it down so it wasn't a full relationship onslaught. Show us what brought them to this point.

Also, the whole piece on "you've mistaken me for someone else" is a little weird. I didn't quite follow her logic there.

I did like the references to fire and ice – that pretty much sums up most relationships.

Flow – 3.75 of 5 stars – Your sentences flow fairly well, with a few hitches. The bumpiest part of the flow comes in the sudden jump from his point-of-view to hers; this is unexpected and hard to follow.

Overall: This is an emotionally charged story.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 - Try to cut back on the passive voice

Suggestion #2 – Expand on the story somewhat, by either expanding or tightening it

Suggestion #1 – Do more "telling" and less "showing". Use action to reveal character types, rather than just telling us


Star Total: 17/25
Averaged: 3.45
Rounded: 3.5


Welcome to the site, and write on!
SG
177
177
Review of Count  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


I hope you enjoy your time on this site. Please remember that feedback - especially for poetry. With any comments - mine or anyone elses - you are always welcome to take or leave any comments.

That said, I found your poem absorbing. You conveyed desolation and loneliness. I like the way you "hide your voice" in this piece.

However, you say here Or even that they sing. I'm not sure exactly what you mean. How do they sing?

I'm not sure I fully identified with this piece, but you do well to convey lonliness.

Write on!
SG
178
178
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a great explination as to the origins of your contest! Very clear and understandable, with plenty of informitive links.

From a technical standpoint:

Again, you did a great job - I found no spelling, grammatical, punctuational, or spacing errors. I would consider changing the format from 'other' to 'nonfiction', which might garner you a few more random hits. You might also be able to squeeze in 'essay'.

In terms of content:

Well, this is, as I said, a helpful piece. I found no fragments or run-on sentences. I like the way you insert everyone's user tags in to give real-time credit. I think the layout is appropriate, though it is something of a jump from the contest background to the "what is a troublesome musing" section. I'm not really certain what would clear it up, so your section headings helps and is better than what I've got. *Wink*

Overall, very informitive and helpful. Great job!

Write on!
SG
179
179
Review of Rate Yourself!  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a great poll. AT least now I see why so many folks get upset at the 3-star rating. It was also interesting to see how many folks were accepting of the 3s. Hmmm.... I wish I remembered what my vote was, LOL.

I found no spelling, spacing, or punctuation errors. Your genres were applicable, your title & brief description drew me in, and your question was presented in a nonbiased manner.

Overall, great poll!

Poll on!
SG
180
180
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


This was a very interesting piece. I would add a third genre to bring more interest; perhaps 'emotional, experience, war'?

There were a few errors I noticed:

everyone was good at heart. I couldn’t find it in me to believe people could be so filled with hatred that they don’t have a heart. Repetition

she would loose. 'lose'

Gasping for air, as we sobb for what we were going to become Fragment; also 'sob'

This was an emotionally sharp piece, but I'm not altogether sure it works as a short story. Perhaps more of a piece of prose, or fiction. It doesn't have a plot, per se, which is why I don't see it as a story.

Otherwise, very well done and emotionally poignant.

Welcome to the site! Keep writing!
SG
181
181
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!!*Star*


This was a funny piece! You definitely captured the desperation, and the whole action sequence was a hoot. I'm not sure about your introduction...it doesn't quite seem to fit into the piece.

This is very well polished. I found no spelling, grammatical, or punctuation errors. Your title and brief description are both apt and intriguing, and your genres are appropriate to the piece.

Great work! Write on, and welcome to the site!
SG
182
182
Review of Islam in Malaysia  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!!! *Star*


This was an educational, informative piece that I enjoyed reading. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 3.25 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly labled as an 'article', with appropriate genres

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title and brief description both fit the piece.

*Bullet*Spacing. – You double space between paragraphs

*Bullet*Punctuation. – You have several issues with commas. See "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor for more details.

Earlier this year officers comma after 'year'

country", the prime comma inside the quotes

On the whole he is right comma after 'whole'

The government, which has many non-Muslims tends comma after 'Muslims'

KL, is a cosmopolitan and tolerant no comma

There are however many Muslim critics comma before & after 'however'

second wife, by scrapping the rule requiring the first's consent no comma

Muslims, unaccustomed to Government interference in their private lives kicked up comma after 'lives'

Amid the furore Muslims bought out comma after 'furore'

Civil liberty groups however dismiss commas before & after 'however'

The civil courts however have avoided ruling on the issue same

*Bullet*Spelling.

remains a akward 'an' & 'awkward'

Intermediate Structure – 3.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – You have several confusing sentences

It probably reffered to its Islamic police. The use of not one but two 'it's is vague and hard to follow. What, exactly, is doing the referring?

arrested around 100 patrons for ungodly acts such as drinking alcohol and dressing immodestly and sent them off in paddy-wagons. the divergence into what acts they were arrested for is a little confusing.

During the colonial period though large numbers of Chinese and Indians, non-Muslims mostly, settled in the country. Fragment

The result was that Islam is accored special status, Muslims can proselytise freely (convert non-Muslims to Islam), while non-Muslims cannot convert Muslims to other faiths. Runon

They also claim that the Malays who dominate the bureaucracy sometimes make life difficult for them, by, for example, witholding permits to open a temple The last part of the sentence is awkward

Amid the furore Muslims bought out all types of laws that they were not happy with; Muslims were banned from expressing deviant views, contradiciting religious leaders and even smoking This is confusing. It sounds like after the laws were brought out, Muslims were banned.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – I have a hard time following your first paragraph, and the relationship between the "fledgling democratic regimes" and the Islamic strictures on the books. Overall, however, you stay on-topic in your paragraphs.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Essay. – Your introductory sentence started off weak, depending on the helping verb "has". I would try to make it stronger, since you want your first sentence to pull readers into the piece.

Content – 7.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Theme Strength. – You do a good job of covering the various facets of Islam in Malaysia, from my uneducated standpoint. You develop several good points. However, you don't really have an introduction or a conclusion to this piece; I'm not certain of the direction it is taking. If it is meant to be a broad overview, Iwould revise your introductory paragraph.

*Bullet*Language. – You write from a very detached PoV, which you maintain consistantly. I am not altogether certain where you stand; you do a good job of presenting the facts in a very detached manner. However, you frequently use the passive voice. For instance, here you say Although the Muslims are the majority and Islam is the official religion large Christian, Buddhist, Hindu minorities are free to worship as they please. . Try to find a way to state things without relying so much on is, was, am, etc. See "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

*Bullet*Reaction. – This was interesting to read, and I felt as though I learned something. However, I am not altogether sure of what I am supposed to take from it, and I think a stronger introduction would make a world of difference.

Flow – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – You have a few rough sentences and some punctuation errors. Overall, however, you present the piece very well and it flows nicely.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – You stay on-topic throughout the paragraphs.

*Bullet*Progression. – You move smoothly from one point/paragraph to the next

Overall: This was educational and interesting to follow. You did a good job of presenting the subject in a factual manner

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Watch out for run-on sentences

Suggestion #2 – Try not to use the passive voice so much

Suggestion #1 – At the very least, sharpen your introduction so we know where you are going. A conclusion would also be nice


Star Total: 18.5/25
Averaged: 3.7
Rounded: 4.0

Great job! Write on!
SG
183
183
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Star*Welcome to Writing.com!*Star*

This was an intereting bit of revelation in freedom. I like the line Free to soar and wheel and challenge myself beyond any limitations and expectations of the dreary and mundane.

Just a few recommendations: I would suggest doublespacing between paragraphs for pieces you post online. It makes it easier to read. Not necessarily a concern with this piece, but something to keep in mind for longer pieces. Also, I suggest adding genres to make this more "findable", which will bring you more readers. Some genre suggestions are 'writing', 'hobby', 'personal', 'experience', etc. Look through and see what you like best.

Write on!
SG
184
184
Review of First drum set  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great poem, I love the beat you catch here with the drum. I like the flow of the words, very jerky, but like beats on a drum, so that's good (one of the few times you don't want to go for smooth, LOL). This was a cute poem, child-slanted and I think it would be appealing to kids. I found no spelling errors except at the end, outside the poem; you spelled 'december' wrong. Otherwise, well done!

Write on, and welcome to Writing.com!
SG
185
185
Review of Got Milk?  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh my goodness! This was an absolutely hysterical piece. I read it out loud to my hubbie, and we were cracking up.

I gave this one of my rare '5's, which I do honestly try to reserve for perfection. I think this piece rates it. I usually don't like dialogue-only pieces...but you made this one work. I usually believe that you can making accents heard without the exact spelling...but this was perfect (especially with a dialogue-only piece; it enabled the reader to not get confused as to who was speaking). Fantastic job!

Write on! And don't let your kids wake up before you! LOL
SG
186
186
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hmm, now this is an interesting - err pukey - poll! LOL, I like the idea behind it. The problem is, I couldn't seem to decide which one was most nauseating! It's almost become 'cool' to dis poor Leo, but I think he's done pretty good in his roles, pretty face notwithstanding.

Okay, so for your poll: your question is nicely unbiased and your answers are also flat and not leading. I would consider adding 'entertainment' to your genre listing for more exposure.

I'm not sure Matt & Ben & Leo are, actually, teens anymore. They're getting on up there now, aren't they?

Anyway, great poll. Write on!
SG
187
187
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
OOOH, this is a great folder! I love your compilation of polls, all of them fun and entertaining. As you can see, I spent awhile going through and R&Ring them all. Like this one, I did them on the public reviews page, hoping you would get some attention and everyone would come take your poll! C'mon, it's fun!! *Wink*

I like how you put these together, and even though your polls were mostly 4-4.5, I think as a folder, this was a blast. Please email me with any other polls you come up with; I enjoyed them.

Great work! Poll on!
SG
PS I bet you are surprised that I say you had no errors, huh? *Wink*
188
188
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hmm, very interesting! This is a book that seems to be quite helpful for both professional members and those looking to (eventually) become pros. I like the varied options and the explanations you provide, though I think they will be more helpful when I can actually do them, LOL. My next step is to check out the sample page so I can get an even clearer idea, but I like the format you have given here.

I found no spelling, punctuation, spacing, or grammar errors. This is very well polished and should be easy to add to and expand upon.

Write on!
SG
189
189
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very interesting and helpful piece. I found a couple of errors and rough spots that I would like to point out.

From a technical perspective:

In other words a paragraph could be comma after 'words'

If the paragraph starts out talking about the boy it must stay the same throughout. comma after 'boy'

San Francisco California with comma before & after 'California

3rd floor spell out 'third'

However, for a closer look let’s work comma after 'look'

Apart from being a happy spirited dog and a great companion the poodle is small comma after 'companion'

a lot of room so they are ideal for apartments or city settings comma after 'room'

and lifestyles whether it be semicolon after 'lifestyles'; you go on to a completely different sentence (your other option is to toss the poodle fits right in.)

In terms of content:

Nonetheless, this is demonstrated below I'm not sure 'nonetheless' is necessary

He had big blue eyes, light brown hair, rosy cheeks, and a big smile. I know this is just your sample paragraph, but you repeat yourself.

The poodle makes a perfect pet because they offer 'the poodle' is singular; either use 'poodles' or say 'it' instead of 'they'

Poodles are sweet, smart, playful, and well mannered and they love to be around people, they are always willing to lend their unquestionable love and loyalty when you need the most and they are yours for life. runon sentence. This uses two thoughts; you should seperate at 'they are'

Thus, helping prove that poodles are ideal pets Fragment

This second point helps prove that this breed of dog is suited for most lifestyles and settings. actually, it's the third point

The poodle is a dog that warms your heart with its character, it becomes a part of your family no matter where you live and it can provide you with love and companionship that you won’t want to do without, in fact you can’t ask for a better dog. This is three sentences in one.

It seems natural to stop there, that this is one complete idea. runon sentence

Overall, you do a good job of explaining the parts of a paragraph. If you don't mind, I would like to link to it in my reviews for folks who seem to have trouble with the various parts.

Write on!
SG
190
190
Review of Stingy Jack  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an interesting folk tale retold. You do a good job of capturing the essence and tone of a legend of this sort. See "Invalid Item for more information on my reviewing techniques.

Basic Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Correct Item. – This is correctly labled as a short story, and you have chosen appropriate genres to list it under

*Bullet*Title & Description. – Your title and genre are appropriate

*Bullet*Spacing. – I highly recommend doublespacing between paragraphs. At the very least, you should using WritingML to indent (type {indent#} w/no #). This makes reading it easier on the eyes

*Bullet*Dialogue. – Your dialogue tags are correct

*Bullet*Punctuation. – You have a lot of trouble with punctuation, specifically commas. I recommend "Invalid Item
Some spots I noticed:

“Devil,” Stingy Jack called out, “the period after 'out', capitilize 'the'

Once the barkeep had drifted off to sleep the Devil, could then change comma after 'sleep' none after 'Devil'

Enraged that Jack had tricked him the Devil attempted to change his form comma after 'him'

Jack promised to free the Devil only, if the Devil promised no comma

of 10 years,” Jack was laughing so hard he could scarcely form the words. “ period after 'years'

He would trouble Jack no more, for the time of 10 years no comma

In rural Ireland people still believe comma after 'Ireland'

they should turn the other way for no one wants to meet with Jack comma after 'way'

*Bullet*Spelling.

dull witted hyphenate

the devil capitalize

bar keep later you make this one word. I'm not sure if it should be one or two, but you should be consistant

bar tender but this is one word

he went off wondering wandering

one of those juicy fruit fruits

foudn found

of 10 years spell out 'ten'; you should spell out numbers ten and lower

no more then 7 years 'seven'

Intermediate Structure – 3.75 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – Your sentences are a little shaky and hard to follow at times.

It is not a wise thing to deal with the Devil This doesn't quite fit in; do you perhaps mean it is not wise to compare yourself (or be compared with?) the Devil?

Standing bent and crooked in the road, he This sentence implies Jack is bent & crooked, but I think you might mean the Devil.

the sun rose Stingy Jack decided the evening of revelry had come to an end as he unsteadily rose to his feet Repetition

Jack promised to free the Devil only, if the Devil promised repetition

The Devil, with his ferocious smile, agreed to Jack’s terms with a bemused chuckle A few odd quirks here. First, how is he smiling AND chuckling at the same time? Second, why would he do either? He has just lost a soul, which should anger him. He should be fuming, I would think.

The Devil’s head drooped with shame, as he confessed that Jack had tricked him and he indeed would not claim his soul, but…not even the Devil himself could match Stingy Jack’s miserly ways and so the Devil offered Jack a gift; a single ember, said to be a spark of Hell’s flames, to light his way through the frigid eternal darkness. There is a lot of info in this single sentence. I recommend breaking it up because the meaning is lost. Also, I am unclear why the Devil is giving Jack a gift? Because he can't match Jack?

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – You need to break more frequnetly for paragraphs. A great read is "How To Write A Good Paragraph"   by Holly Abidi which will be very helpful, I think.

Your introductory paragraph is a little roughly put together. Your two sentences don't quite mesh; I would try to smooth out the transition.

was answered by silence and the glint of the Devil’s gnarled smirk. within this paragraph, you frequently repeat 'the Devil', which is a bit monotonous. In some places you can get by with 'he', but here, you can just say the glint of a gnarled smirk (great image, btw).

“Devil,” Stingy Jack called out, “the should be a new paragraph

That year was Stingy Jack’s best New paragraph

That year was Stingy Jack’s best, for he knew that he could not suffer in Hell for any of his deeds. In fact, he had such a wonderful time that Jack scarcely noticed the passing of an entire year Repetition of time passing.

Upon seeing the Devil’s predicament Jack leapt from the bushes exclaiming that he had carved a cross on the base of the tree! Oddly worded. Why not just have Jack stand below, or state Jack had carved…?

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – As I said, your paragraph breaks are a bit shaky. You do a good job, however, of moving from one to the next within the story.

Content – 8.75 of 10 stars

*Bullet*Plot Strength. – This is a great story. It was fascinating and intriguing to read. There were a few logistic questions that I had, however.

he could not pay the bar keep You never said anything about going to a bar. I was under the impression they drank from a flask or something similar. This leaves your reader scratching his head and breaks the reverie.

should Jack die, he would not claim his soul I am unclear as to whether this is limited to the year. Does that mean that Jack won't be claimed if he dies in that year, or for any time?

*Bullet*Character definition. – Jack was well defined, and the Devil fulfilled his role as a trickster. I would like to see a few things elaborated. For instance, you've mentioned that Jack is a drunkard, a liar, and a miser who took especial delight in separating the dull witted from their belongings. He doesn't strike me as someone who would be carrying around an ornate crucifix in his pocket. Also, I'm uncertain as to several of the Devil's actions, as mentioned.

*Bullet*Language. – Your language here is perfect. I felt like I was back reading old folk tales in school or something. You caught the storytellers rhythem perfectly.

*Bullet*Reaction. – This gave me quite the chuckle, although it left me with a few questions. You did a good job of telling the tale and capturing the age.

Flow – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – You had a few rough sentences, but overall, the piece flowed smoothly.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your paragraphs didn't quite mesh together at various points. They need to be divided up a bit more.

*Bullet*Progression. – You progress smoothly and logically through the story.

3 suggestions for improvement:

Suggestion #3 – Watch out for technical errors, especially those commas.

Suggestion #2 – Break up the paragraphs a bit more

Suggestion #1 – I would like a little clarification on the odd points of the story

Overall: As I said, you captured the essence of the old storyteller; I felt like I was listening to an old-timer while sitting on the front porch. Jack's antics are humerous and enjoyable to read.

Star Total: 20.25/25
Averaged: 4.05
Rounded: 4.0

Write on!
SG
191
191
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a beautiful poem. I enjoyed reading it.

From a technical perspective:

A devil like temptress hyphenate 'devil-like'

A pain never ending one word; 'neverending'

With ration less thought one word; 'rationless'

She wonders the beach 'wanders'

In dawns early mist dawn's

For the drifters kiss drifter's

You end every stanza with a period, even when the sentence continues into the next stanza. This is a little awkward.

In terms of content:

Just trying to become whole. I would use 'be' instead of 'become' to smooth out the beat a little

An act upon which /Relied on no rule. This is roughly put together and hard to follow. I think I understand what you mean but I'm not certain.

And defiance. I would add 'with' for an extra beat

Just trying to become whole. Either 'be' or remove the 'just'

Her intention was to stay too many beats; cut out 'was'

But for fear her feet fled This is a great line; I love the alliteration

You waver on the second lines of your stanzas. Try to stay consistant in your beats.

In conclusion:

Since you've chosen a traditional form, you need to stay consistant with your beat. Your imagery is well done, and you do a good job of capturing the spirit of both the drifter & the temptress.

Write on!
SG
192
192
Review of ~My Love For You~  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awww. At first, the beginning confused me, but as I read further, I realized who was speaking.

This is a very touching poem, very realistic and easy to understand. You definitely hit the emotion well. Watch out for repetition - you say 'day' twice in close proximity. Otherwise, I found no spelling or spacing errors.

Write on!
SG
193
193
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an interesting and helpful article on querying for publication. It was mostly free from technical errors, as far as I could tell, although you did have one spacing error near the top, where you had a line break mid-paragraph. Oh, whoops, one spelling note: double- check either close the gap or, I think more correctly, try 'doublecheck'.

I like your format and the way you list the five important parts in a group, and then go on to elaborate on them. Your sentences fit well together and your paragraph transitions are smooth.

For some reason, I can't put my finger on it, the piece strikes me as very dry and abstract. I tell you this only because I hate when folks don't tell me what I did wrong. I read over it several times, and I know what you aren't doing - you aren't overusing the passive voice, you are consistant in your use of 'you'/person, and you vary your sentence structure. I will keep this one open and try to put my finger on what it is; I'm sorry to be vague *Worry* but I didn't want to leave you with a blank.

In the meantime, this is a very helpful piece, and I'd like to include it in the "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor newsletter for the end of June.

Great work!
Write on!
SG

194
194
Review of Rating Inflation!  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is one of the few pieces that I am handing a '5' to, simply because I believe you deserve it. I will tell you what you did right:

On a technical note:
As far as I can tell, you have no spelling, grammatical, or punctuational errors. You have no spacing errors - I'm assuming the extra spaces are there to move to 'a related issue'. Your title & intro are compelling and intriguing; they certainly invited me in. Your genre selections are well chosen, as is your item type. You even double space between paragraphs! From a technical perspective, this piece is flawless.

In terms of content:
This was an interesting, intriguing essay. I felt there were a few points you overlooked - other reasons for the inflation - but you can't cover everything, and you did a good job with the subject at hand. (other reasons: I've heard plenty of horror stories for folks who give reviews below 3s, well-intentioned and kind, and get blasted back. Also, pieces rated below are usually a lot harder to read, and thus review; unless I have a lot of time to put into it, I don't do a lot of those. Finally, I know some folks fear 'retaliation'.) Anyway, you did a good job with the subject at hand. You moved cleanly through the essay, you transitioned well within and between paragraphs, and so forth. The whole piece was a joy to read, with a great intro and conclusion.

Great work! Write on!
SG
195
195
Review of The Poet  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting expression of poetry and of yourself as a poet. You are definitely not a 'shy' poet! *Bigsmile* Very self-confident. One note:

Forms floweth from my fingertips nice allieration but I'm not sure 'floweth' fits the form of the rest of the poem

I like the creation/planter aspects of this poem, but this line My power lies in expression doesn't quite seem to fit in; it is too point-blank when compared with the rest.

An enjoyable read.
Write on!
SG
196
196
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey SM! Great forum. As usual, well written and clear, very easy to follow. I found no technical errors - no spelling, grammatical, or punctuation errors that I saw. The format is good: I'm impressed with your columns. Sometimes lining things up can be a real pain.

I like the way you use color sparingly, and the bold works well to highlight the important points.

And in case you think I am just reviewing for gps *Bigsmile*, I just am shooting for meaningful feedback, a trick that can be difficult with good writing!

Great piece, very informative.

Write on!
SG
197
197
Review of Writers Anonymous  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a fantastic and enjoyable story! I really enjoyed reading this piece.

From a technical perspective:

Your title is appropriate, but your brief intro refers to this as flash fiction, and I think this is a bit long for ff. I would add genres such as 'writing, writing.com, hobby, etc' to gain more hits on the piece. I found no spelling errors.

The hall filled with applause, those closest to him patted his back encouragingly. semicolon instead of comma

“How dare you!” He screamed at me. if he is screaming 'how dare you' then you need a lowercase 'he'

In terms of content:

I sat in the back of a large hall, clouded with smoke It sounds as though your head is clouded with smoke

The little man was right. I was doomed to spend a lifetime with pen at my side, subject to wild seizures where I would scribble words madly across the smooth surface of my notebook. Great image!

Overall, this is a fantastic and well-written piece that was a pleasure to read. There are a few kinks that need to be smoothed, but this is a great piece.

Write on!
SG
198
198
Review of The Hunters  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is definitely and interesting and unique story, and I wish you the best of luck getting it published. A few pointers:

He gave me that look. I'd like to see a bit more of what 'that look' involves; not a lot, but just a quick couple of words.

It was a mouse, and the small creature was busily gnawing on a seed I would break this down to keep the sentence up. Try It was a mouse, busily gnawing on a seed This keeps the pace up.

In a blink, he was dashing through the grass towards the mouse 'was' is passive; also, your timing is a bit mixed up. 'in a blink' is a single moment; 'was dashing' (or even 'dashed') is continuous. Maybe, Suddenly, he dashed?

my brother's haunches twitch. .. I sat on my haunches to watch. Repetition

He didn't kill the mouse; that wasn't the point. Here it sounds like the mouse has already been caught; later, it is obvious it has not. Perhaps change 'didn't' to 'wasn't going to'. Also, you are using the passive voice again.

I sat calmly, washing my tail, while my brother ran about, first chasing, than cornering the little beast. First, use 'then' instead of 'than'.Second, the action here is hard to believe. why is the narrator 'washing his tail' when he is supposed to be watching & giving tips? Are you sure he isn't 'wagging'?

The mouse fled down the hole to its burrow, Awkward; perhaps 'into' instead of 'to'?

I laughed at him, then pounced, and bit his tail. No comma after 'pounced'

His golden cat's eyes stayed the same, his ears and body (grew and) elongated; his soft paw pads became hands and feet. A few things. First, what's with the ()? They aren't necessary. Second, the semicolon doesn't fit with this section; I'd make it a comma.

He stood, awkwardly and grabbed for the plastic bag containing his clothing Where was the bag at? With him? On the ground? No comma needed after 'stood' (unless you put one after 'awkwardly', and I would nix 'awkwardly' and use stronger words (maybe he wobbled to his feet? Something like that).

So, there I was, a perfectly normal-looking fifteen year old boy, with a not-so-normal slender black tail. What's a boy to do? Repetition of 'boy'

Throughout the piece, you tend towards weak verbs, specifically 'to be' (is, was, am). Try to use stronger, more action-oriented verbs. Also, it seems strange that the ending was accomplished with no dialogue; wouldn't they say something?! Even 'good hunt' or 'let me help', something to 'humanize' them. Finally, your ending is a little weak, especially the last paragraph. Part of that is the 'was absorbed' piece, but I feel like your last sentence is a bit 'obvious'; there should be no need to state it. I would review the piece and see if you can come up with a tighter ending. The worries about gym class seem out of place with the rest of the piece, slightly out of character.

Overall, as I said, this is an interesting and unique story and I think you'll have success with publication. Just tighten it up a bit and be sure to watch out for the 'to be's.

Write on, and good luck!
SG
199
199
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, Kim-Marie! Another great article, this one caught my eye on the sponsorship screen just when I really needed it (I'm about to submit my first query letter!).

That said, this was very well written. I found no spelling, grammatical, or punctuational errors (other than in your sample 'bad' article).

You moved clearly and concisely from one point to the next. The article flowed well, with no bumps or distractions. You had no runons or fragments.

Definitely a great article, and one that reminds me I need to go back through your writing port! Great work!

Write on!
SG

200
200
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
ROTFL! I found this piece while searching for some WritingML help. You certainly took a different turn from what I expected! VERY funny!

On a technical note: You have this listed as an article, and it looks like it fits in an article folder. Your 'comedy' and 'writing' genre are appropriate, but I would consider 'writing.com' instead of 'contest', since WritingML is more of a Writing.com theme. Your title and brief description are both fitting and intriguing. I found no spelling or spacing errors.

as well as, no cases listed No comma needed

In terms of content: This was a cute article, lots of fun to read. Well, lots of fun to read briefly. *Wink* Most of your sentences were well put together, with only one exception:

. When I suddenly see what must be causing this strange occurrence. This is a fragment. I would put a comma at the end of the previous sentence and merge them together.

Otherwise, well written and a joy to read.

Keep up the great work!
SG
326 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 14 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/scottiegaz/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8