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Review of Time  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
Please see "Invalid Item"  for more information; not my piece but I am trying to emulate.


Style – 4 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Stylistic Interest. – You use clearcut language to make the point you are seeking. Your words hold the reader throughout the piece.

*Bullet*Style to Theme. – Again, you’ve chosen a realistic style for what I take to be a critical essay? These two mesh well.

*Bullet*Stylistic Flow. – For the most part, the piece flows well. There are some technical errors (outlined in the basics section) that sort of trip the reader up; also, you change the general flow of the piece midway through. I like the poem but it does sort of break the flow of the essay.

*Bullet*Style to Audience. – You are communicating to an adult audience, so you use an adult style; no problems here.


Structure – 3.5 of 5


Basics
Infraction of the basics will lose you more star points than an infraction of the following section, Intermediate. This is because, in my opinion, everyone should know the “basics”, they should be automatic.

*Bullet*Spacing. – The piece is doublespaced between paragraphs, no problems visually while reading it.

*Bullet*Dialogue Tags. – No dialogue, so no problems here.

*Bullet*Punctuation. – I found no punctuation errors


Intermediate

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – Your sentences for the most part are strong; however, you do have a few fragments and comma splices (listed below). These weaken the piece as a whole.

*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Each paragraph develops well and progresses logically from beginning to end.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – I am unclear on the progression of the essay. You spend the first half (including the poem) talking about time and the second half focuses on parenting. The link between the two is tenuous, and I feel like you are split 50/50 on the subject. The progression is slow.


Errors

In 1977 a teenage member of my church, turned around You don’t need a comma here

she asked if I had ever written a poem on “Time”, because that was her class assignment. First, since she is asking, I would write time lowercase, w/o the quotes. Second, you con’t need a comma after time.

we give the important things, the right amount of time? No comma needed

An example of this would be, parenting. No comma needed

should thus do so This is a sentence fragment, perhaps you mean ‘we should’?




Content – 3.5 of 5



*Bullet*Theme Strength. – Your theme seems to change midway through. You focus half on time and half on parenting. The parenting takes the primary thrust and seems more important to you, but I feel like you spend too much time developing the “time” portion. The poem, when taken with the whole, seems out of place. I think you would be more effective briefly mentioning time and then progressing more rapidly to parenting.

*Bullet*Character definition. – No characters.

*Bullet*Language. – Your language is fairly strong and clear. You say what you want to say without being wordy.

*Bullet*Spelling. – No spelling errors.

*Bullet*Grammar. – No grammar errors.

*Bullet*Reaction. – I left this piece confused with the message you were trying to convey.


Errors

We’re born, then in a twinkling of an eye, we die. Yet, the in between stages of life are what really matters. The only thing between birth and death are the in-between stages, life. Perhaps you are trying to make another point here that you could restate clearly? I’m not sure I completely understand what you are saying, except that life matters.



Flow – 3.5 of 5

*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Your sentences flow smoothly and progress logically, without many errors to trip up the reader.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Your initial paragraphs work well together, and the last ones do also, but the link in the middle is weak.

*Bullet*Progression. – Your piece does not progress as smoothly as I would prefer. Perhaps if your piece were longer it would justify the longer introduction. However, the split between the two is well-defined and obvious, and I feel like you could make your point in less time. You are not wordy; you just spend a great deal of time on both subjects.

Overall: This was an interesting essay, and I liked how you linked time with parenting. Your points on parental practices are valid, and I think if you expand on them, it will greatly improve your essay.

3 suggestions for improvement:
Suggestion #3 - Watch out for comma splices. You like to add the commas in unnecessarily.

Suggestion #2 – I would perhaps consider removing the poem, or inserting a poem that combines your themes of ‘time’ and ‘parenting’.

Suggestion #1 – You need a more logical progression from ‘time’ to ‘parenting’. Perhaps increase the length of your essay to justify the long intro. There are several points that I felt could be expanded on in the parenting section. Why do parents have an obligation to their children? What is a better discipline choice than ignoring a screaming child? How have we been ‘brainwashed’ as a society? Putting more explanation into these areas will improve your essay.

Keep writing!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, this is a very dark piece, and very sad. Please see {item: 782732} for more information; not my piece but I am trying to emulate.

Style – 4.5 of 5 stars

*Bullet*Stylistic Interest. – Your writing style is very upfront and descriptive. Your sentences are melodic, with very little to jar us from our reverie.

*Bullet*Style to Theme. – You have done a good job matching these together. You have managed to keep the tone dark, although sometimes I question whether your descriptions are too pretty to match the darkness; your words are very poetic.

*Bullet*Stylistic Flow. – Your piece flows very smoothly. There are no major errors to trip the reader.
*Bullet*Style to Audience. – Very well done. You have matched the piece admirably.

Structure - 5 of 5 stars

Basics

*Bullet*Spacing. – You mistakenly created an extra line in your first paragraph, in the middle of a sentence. Otherwise, well done.

*Bullet*Dialogue Tags. – All tags are properly formatted.

*Bullet*Punctuation. – No errors found

Intermediate

*Bullet*Sentence construction. – A few notes.
She walked slowly along the fence, the children’s laughter washing over her, but their ringing peals of delight failed to cleanse her soul or heal her shattered spirit. Perhaps this should be two sentences. Knock out the ‘but’ and start the second with ‘Their’

Shards of a memory raced through her mind – This is repetition; you already stated that memories were dancing thru her mind’s eye

it both gave her the water the down the pills – shoud be to down the pills


*Bullet*Paragraph construction. – Your paragraphs are smooth and break appropriately. Good job.

*Bullet*Progressiveness of Story. – Your story progresses well. The dark tone of the tale leads me to expect some type of death, though I wasn’t 100% certain it was suicide. Still, it also wasn’t a complete surprise; you did a good job of foreshadowing it. Everything was believable.



Content – 4.5 of 5 stars



*Bullet*Plot Strength. – Well done. Your plot was credible, without overextending itself. You proceded in an orderly fashion. You were believable all the way through, with no sudden incredible twists that confuse the reader.

*Bullet*Character definition. – You did a good job of fleshing out the protagonist, however, I do find myself wanting a bit more. I want to know, why today? What finally pushed her over the edge? Was she waiting for the thunderstorm, or was it something in conjunction?

*Bullet*Language. – Your writing is very melodic and flowing. You create some beautiful images.

*Bullet*Spelling. – No errors found.

*Bullet*Grammar. – No errors found.

*Bullet*Reaction. – I found my heart going out to the protagonist; though ultimately I couldn’t agree with her suicidal decision, I find myself empathizing.



Flow - 5 of 5 stars


*Bullet*Sentence flow. – Wonderful flow, no errors or hangups.

*Bullet*Paragraph flow. – Smooth paragraphs with wonderful transitions.

*Bullet*Progression. – Everything flowed logically together. Well done.

Overall: This was wonderfully well written. You did a fantastic job of conveying the darkness of her mind by aligning it with the weather, even on a sunny blue-sky day (well, part of it was, anyway). You twist the innocent and joyful words of the children to perfectly align with your theme. Well done.

Suggestions for improvement:
1. Suggestion #1 – The only suggestion I have, really, is to flesh out our protagonist a bit more and let us know “Why today?” Otherwise, fantastic job.

Style to Theme. – You have done a good job matching these together. You have managed to keep the tone dark, although sometimes I question whether your descriptions are too pretty to match the darkness; your words are very poetic.

Stylistic Flow. – Your piece flows very smoothly. There are no major errors to trip the reader.
Style to Audience. – Very well done. You have matched the piece admirably.

Structure - 5 of 5 stars

Basics

Spacing. – You mistakenly created an extra line in your first paragraph, in the middle of a sentence. Otherwise, well done.

Dialogue Tags. – All tags are properly formatted.

Punctuation. – No errors found

Intermediate

Sentence construction. – A few notes.
She walked slowly along the fence, the children’s laughter washing over her, but their ringing peals of delight failed to cleanse her soul or heal her shattered spirit. Perhaps this should be two sentences. Knock out the ‘but’ and start the second with ‘Their’

Shards of a memory raced through her mind – This is repetition; you already stated that memories were dancing thru her mind’s eye

it both gave her the water the down the pills – shoud be to down the pills


Paragraph construction. – Your paragraphs are smooth and break appropriately. Good job.

Progressiveness of Story. – Your story progresses well. The dark tone of the tale leads me to expect some type of death, though I wasn’t 100% certain it was suicide. Still, it also wasn’t a complete surprise; you did a good job of foreshadowing it. Everything was believable.



Content – 4.5 of 5 stars



Plot Strength. – Well done. Your plot was credible, without overextending itself. You proceded in an orderly fashion. You were believable all the way through, with no sudden incredible twists that confuse the reader.

Character definition. – You did a good job of fleshing out the protagonist, however, I do find myself wanting a bit more. I want to know, why today? What finally pushed her over the edge? Was she waiting for the thunderstorm, or was it something in conjunction?

Language. – Your writing is very melodic and flowing. You create some beautiful images.

Spelling. – No errors found.
Grammar. – No errors found.

Reaction. – I found my heart going out to the protagonist; though ultimately I couldn’t agree with her suicidal decision, I find myself empathizing.



Flow - 5 of 5 stars


Sentence flow. – Wonderful flow, no errors or hangups.

Paragraph flow. – Smooth paragraphs with wonderful transitions.

Progression. – Everything flowed logically together. Well done.

Overall: After I finish with flow, I add a few supportive comments about the piece in general, highlighting the positive pieces in the story.

Suggestions for improvement:
1. Suggestion #1 – The only suggestion I have, really, is to flesh out our protagonist a bit more and let us know “Why today?” Otherwise, fantastic job.
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (3.5)
with this.) I would put your period outside the parenthesis since it terminates your non() sentence.

This is a funny story, but I think it could use a bit more fleshing out. Tell me more about what he did do prep. Did he bottle a hundred gallons of water? Did he buy a tank of gas? Did he hand-copy all his files off his computer? I think it would be better with a bit more filling out.

Good work. Keep writing!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (5.0)
If you want to send encouragement, give out a few Gift Points. Reserve your ratings for the sincere evaluation of items. Wow, what a great sentiment! That is a very good point. Thanks!

Telling someone that his/her item is perfect when it is indeed not does nothing but give false hope to the author. Here, here! More applause.

are not helping your friend by giving false feedback. People can get that from family and friends offline; they come to Writing.Com for honesty. More great words! Wow, you must be brilliant!!

You need to start with yourself and reevaluate your own reaction to the numbers. Still clapping.{/b}

This is a great piece! I love all the wonderful points you make! I am bookmarking it and will include it at the end of my "how I rate" page (if I ever get it up). Fantastic job!

{PS Since your points were all clear and concise, your diction perfect, and there were no grammatical or technical errors, I am going to give you an 'honest' 5. So don't feel that it's just a 'pat on the back', LOL!)

Write on!
SG
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Review of Honor  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
My initial thoughts and impressions. Your words are italicized; mine are in blue.

Honor is a very important characteristic in a person, and it is a principle that is in serious decline in people anymore. You repeat the person/people phrase. Though it is not an exact repetition, it still causes a mental stumble. You can probably get away with kicking the 'in a person', and/or change the 'people' to 'society', which will give you a broader base.

And those beliefs must have a strong basis on what is good and what is right. Starting with 'and' weakens this sentence; you could probably get away with nixing it, OR you could possibly add this to the sentence before.

Things like not breaking a promise, not taking advantage of those weaker than you are simply for personal gain, etc. This is an incomplete sentence. Perhaps you can nix the 'and' from before and merge these two sentences.

This is a very interesting piece, but I find myself wanting it to be fleshed out a bit more. For instance, you wait to define honor until the middle of the essay, but you point to examples of "dishonorable" behavior before that. I think it would be more effective to provide us with a definition first, then give us your examples and why such actions are dishonorable.

Also, I have to confess I like the definition from www.dictionary.com; Principled uprightness of character; personal integrity. This is similar to what you say, but a bit shorter, clearer, and punchier. Perhaps you can smooth your definition up a bit?

A technical suggestion on the reading: I have found that it helps the reader if you add an extra blank line between paragraphs.

Great work, and welcome to Writing.com!
Keep writing!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great story. Look, you gotta stop entering the Prompt or I won't have a chance! Seriously, fantastic job. Couldn't find any spelling or grammatical errors; your characters were 100% believable in their thoughts and actions. Fantastic.

The only question I have is how Jared recognized the main character; surely he wouldn't have expected to see her at night? Perhaps Jared was visiting one day and Freddy pointed her out?

Otherwise, fantastic job. Great work!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I checked your port - I see you decided not to STAY a 'normal, free' member, LOL!

I enjoyed your article. It almost convinced me not to upgrade. Well, no, it didn't, I am still lusting after an upgrade, LOL, but you made some great points; primarily the "read & review" one. And you did it without lecturing; I like your "reading is fun!" "reviewing is great!" enthusiasm.

I like your honesty in the "pain and disillusionment" phase of your writing. It's true. We want everything FREE FREE FREE!! Yet you do a good job of pointing out that w/o money we wouldn't have this great site, and manage not to "preach". Thanks for that!

After sometime [that's actually after 2 weeks] Some & time should be two words, and there should be a comma after weeks]

But I'm still not convinced that not being able to write any more is a GOOD thing! LOL

Thanks for the great essay. I enjoyed reading it.
Keep writing!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
My initial thoughts & corrections; your words are italicized, mine are in blue.

She picked up the phone./“Katherine Fletcher,” she said. No need for a paragraph break here. I also think you can nix the "she said".

I’d been planning on hiking there this weekend, anyway. Kind of an awkward statement. Maybe "I was planning"?

Another thirty minutes passed, of laughing and stories. I think this might run smoother if you move it around some; Another thirty minutes of laughing and stories passed.

The view was breathtaking, was what they’d come to see. Doubling up of a weak verb (was); Perhaps, The breathtaking view was what...?

knew it, she thought: nothing’s changed at all. Comma after thought instead of semicolon. If you want to use the semi, knock out 'she thought' or move it to later so it reads I knew it: nothing's changed

“I’ve never really been an outdoorsy sort of person.” Then why on earth did she invite him to hike the GC? Seems kind of rude to me. And not like you can just say "oh, let's go" midway down.

Pete contemplated a way to save face, came up with one. Another comma slice. Try "Pete, contemplating a way to save face," or knock out the comma after 'face' and insert an 'and'

This was a very enjoyable piece. I like the way you conclude it, though I do have to wonder if it really WAS the wind... *Smile* Either way, it's a nice 'bridge' over the canyon.

You have a tendency towards comma splices. Otherwise, you do a good technical job. I've included a helpful piece (not by me) for more technical info; comma splices are under 'run-on sentences'

Otherwise, great work!
SG

Expert Writing Tips  (E)
A list of tips to help improve writing skills.
#625917 by Vivian
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Review of Item Statistics  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow! What an interesting breakdown of the statistics! Youdo a great job of clearly explaining what each piece means, as well as a comprehensive review of how to utilize the information. I appreciate the example page; it gives me something to see that I, as a non-upgraded member,would not otherwise experience. It also encourages me to utilize this feature that I would most likely have otherwise neglected.

Thank you for this terrific piece! Fantastic job!
Write on!
SG
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Review of Rewards  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your first verse sets me up for a rhyme scheme, because the words filled and will are so close, I figure you are 'fitting' them. The lack of rhyme later jarrs me as I read. I'm not criticizing lack of rhyme, I know it's not necessary for poetry, but you have set us up with expectations, then drop us without fulfilling them. I suggest changing your first verse somewhat.

Also, the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th stanzas all start with an -ing, though the first does not. In fact, those three all have a very similar form, though the first does not. Again, you have an implied structure that has been dashed away. My recommendation is either to revamp the first stanza OR to add a fourth similar to the first to "wrap it up" neatly.

I enjoy your poem and the way you convey emotion. However, I feel like you start towards form, then drop it, which is rather inconsistant.

You have done a great job with diction and imagery. On a technical note, consider adding a comma after "fascinating".

Good work!
SG

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review of Anxiety  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very interesting piece. You did a good job of conveying the mood in short, jerky phrases that actually did increase my heartbeat and make me breathe faster. Good work!

A few technical notes:

It has taken it's toll Should be its

Also, your last line ends/is 'forevermore' and the first line of that verse ends 'more', which is a bit of repetition; not sure if that was intentional or not.

I think also, with the jerkiness of the poem, you might consider omitting a few of the periods at the end of the lines.

Great work!
Keep writing!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
These are my initial impressions and thoughts as I read through (mostly technical errors, but some other stuff, too):

“Now exiting the Kingdom of Noodle. Have a wonderful day and please come back and visit!!!” and she had neither met anyone nor spied any signs of inhabitants. Now her supply of Repetition of the word 'now'

Granted, standing up usually does not solve problems (unless one is sitting upon a cactus) Ha ha ha! A very good point!

The uniformed pilot reined the horses Where did they stop? In front of Fett.? Before reaching her? After passing her?

flung the door of the carriage open. As the carriage door banged against the carriage’s side That's a lot of carriages!! Perhaps "flung the door of the carriage open. As the carriage door it banged against the carriage’s side"

but Fettuccine reveled in all the new words and happily noted the absence of “noodle.” This whole paragraph made me snicker, from the 'ask if I can possibly assist you' on. Good work, very funny!

The Dukes and Duchesses of Pesto all agreed on how horrible and narrow-minded the citizens of Noodle were. Perhaps move this to the beginning of the paragraph and have her be offended at everyone?

a look of distain disdain

The Counts and Countesses of Pesto are very horrible and narrow-minded people. Okay, this was a little confusing until I realized that one group is counts & one is dukes. I am trying to decide if it is just my own stupidity (I think it is) or if there is something you can do to help clarify that...

Duke and Duchesses pluralize Duke

Great job! You're going to give me a run for my money, LOL.

You did a good job of continuing Fettuccine's character in the same vein, and I enjoyed the lesson she learned. Good teaching w/o preaching.

Keep up the good work, and good luck!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a very interesting take on Christmas with a dog! (I say this having never celebrated one) You do a good job of explaining the owner's position and feelings; however I am left with a few questions.
Here they are, along with some technical notes:

There is no post this morning but canines are pre-programmed to bark viciously at the letter box at unearthly hours in the morning so the family, as always , are rudely blasted from sleep before they are ready. A few things here. First, you repeat morning, so you might consider trying There is no post today to avoid repetition. Second, there should be no space between 'always' and the comma. Third, 'family' is singular so it should be is rudely blasted

Ablutions completed and seasonal salutations all round (Humbug!) Need a comma after your )

shovelling I muse. shoveling

This year I have excelled myself I'm not sure you should use 'excelled' yourself, as 'excel' sounds a little clunky here. Perhaps 'outdone'? Or just, I have excelled.

by preparing home made homemade

so we decide At this point, I'm left wondering, who is 'we'? You & spouse? You & kids? You & in-laws? I think this needs to be clarified at or before this point; perhaps a brief mention of who is over for dinner?

Tail wagging furiously, tongue lolling, eyes gleaming; he sets about opening his gifts. Use a comma instead of a semicolon. However this sentence is jam-packed with information, almost too much. I think you can do away with at least one description and still convey his excitement. Or you can move part of the description elsewhere.

Also, I can understand a dog opening gifts if they are food (ie tearing at the wrapping to get it), but squeaky toys? Or anything else he can't smell? That seems a little farfetched. I'm not a dog person, so maybe all dogs open presents? but it seems a little improbable.

Mr Heinz Need a period after 'Mr'

leaving his eighty eight year old eighty-eight

to find her own way up the slippery path unaided The combination of 'find her own way' and 'unaided' seems repetitive; you may consider striking one or the other

he cannot for some reason abide Commas around 'for some reason'

I don’t think I fancy those chicken sandwiches now. What chicken sandwiches? The ones the dog ate, or the ones you were going to eat?

Is the owner male or female? I honestly have no clue.

Good work! Keep writing.
SG
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Review of Christening  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is an interesting poem, with a good contrast in the children's names. I like the idea of the siblings born in spirit, like the man and wife. I also like the way you spell out
The militant sword
shall triumph in peace
for they are born of spirit.

Very interesting.

Good work.
SG
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Review of Firstborn  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed this poem, although there were several things I did not follow very well. However, you have some beautiful images and similes that I enjoyed very much.

For instance, I enjoyed
But tonight
I watch you pass
from the shadow of your father
into a world more light

This is a good image of a father letting go.

You did a great job,
SG
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Review of Humbly  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a good poem. I can see why you would laugh at "humbly", it is a funny-sounding word. *Smile* I enjoyed the irony; I think you're right and children are the only ones who can laugh at that word!

Great work!
SG
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Review of The Witness  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting story. You have provided us with an inclination of why someone might change from being a Christian minister to something totally different, "evil" even (I say tounge in cheek). You have done a good job of presenting the "other side" of the arguement to me. The only worry I have is that there is a lot of telling and less interaction; I know the "telling" is necessary for the "dialouge-only" part, but I wonder if you might be able to tell more interactively. For instance, the preacher's sudden flip seems rather odd - I would have thought he would come "armed" with scripture to refute, especially as he has already done so much research. Perhaps more of a discussion, with the preacher refuting, and then Rakes refuting again?

I look forward to seeing this when you enlarge it.

A few technical issues:

“Excuse me, I don’t want to bother you, I see you’re into your book but my name is David Farworthy, I was hoping that I could talk with you if you have a few minutes.”This is a very long intro sentence. Perhaps you may want to break it up into several smaller ones?

As long as your not you're

I like the way you have them introduce each other, very original

But keep in mind You repeat 'but' in the next sentence.

to use your organizations words organization's

How much time do you have. This is a question, so it should have a ?

But you know what I mean. You need to close this with "

Good work! Keep writing!
SG
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Review of Dear Professor  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is hysterical! Great work. Very humerous and interesting. I especially loved the solution to step #9 (tossing the 'accepteds') but I have to wonder where she got published, LOL.

Great work!
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for posting your basis for your rating system. I really enjoy reading different folks "standards" and adjusting my own accordingly (I am still feeling out the rating system here).

I found your standards for a '5' very interesting, and also the fact that you rarely post a score below a '4'.

There are a few places you repeat yourself, but I am working with the assumption that it's a "get this through your thick head" repetition; specifically on the subject of believability and on the subject of a rhyme scheme.

Overall, this leaves me with a clear feeling of what I need to do to rate a '5', and what I have done to earn a '5', should I earn one.

Good work.
Keep writing!
SG
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Review of The Drive  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very interesting story. I am not sure I completely understand the end yet. I loved the prank, though, absolutely terrible/hysterical!

Some technical notes:

Clinton Wayfield fishtailed his dad's 1998 Chevy Blazer through the second of several sharp curves on the abandoned haul road the locals called Snakeback Drive. Sitting shotgun, Vicki Stimpson
This is a lot of information for the first sentence and a half. You've managed to cram in last names, make & model, and info on the road, all of which are good details but make it a little hard to get through. Perhaps you can make it a little punchier, then add some of the extra details later? Your second sentence is also very, very long - five and a half lines - which makes it easy to get lost in the first paragraph.

"Where are we going?" She asked - lowercase 'she'

yet it had eluded her for four straight years - you repeat the phrase 'four years' within two sentences, which trips up your reader a bit.

had pulled during hers and Clinton's sophomore year. - you should be able to trim it to "their sophomore year", which flows better

He had told some friends afterward that his biggest fear was that the fish would attempt an escape by darting into the toilet's downspout, effectively ruining the prank, which is why he had tested his idea at home the night before and was delighted to discover that the small bluegill he had placed in the guest bathroom after his parents had gone to bed was swimming in the bowl the next morning, alive and seemingly quite comfortable in its new surroundings, darting about the bowl and completely ignoring the potential escape hatch. Another long sentence, you should be able to break it down into two or even three.

"Where are we going?" She asked again.lowercase 'she'

You did good describing Vicki and capturing her realistically. Clinton was also interesting.

Keep writing.
SG
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! Great story! I like the way you differentiate between "Daniel" and "Dan". Your descriptions were realistic and quite believable. You did a good job of implying what caused his stress, but I think maybe you should expand on it a little. It sounds like a recent divorce + heavy workload, but I'm not completely certain.

Paula, was making "rabbit ears" behind Daniel's head. - don't need a comma after 'Paula'

Otherwise, great story. Keep it up!
SG
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Review of Fly on the wall  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good story. You did a good job characterizing Stacy, she seems very realistic. Interesting twist at the end, also.

A few grammatical errors:

book worm - should be one word

I opened it,lost in the world - space before lost

Otherwise, great job. Very believable.
Keep writing.
SG
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Review of Tuesday's Storm  
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is very well-written and impressive. You managed to capture the narrator very well; his hopes for grandeur, his disappointments and frustrations. Your dialogue is very believable, and you do a fantastic job of capturing emotion.

There were a few technical errors that need to be cleaned up:

escape it‘s grasp - its

Really, why you say that - forgot 'do'

“Go talk to her then.” He actually sounded concerned, but I didn’t realize then. - repeated then, which is kind of awkward

the same eyes that just a week ago had been so innocent and hopeful. Now there was a pain in her eyes - repeated 'eyes'

last of her hope was crushed. As we stared at each other in the silence, the last chance at a fairy tale (/i) - repeat 'last'

no where to turn, no where to escape - 'nowhere' is one word

Otherwise, fantastic piece.
Keep writing!
SG

Thanks for Lending a Hand!
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Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Your essay was absolutely hysterical. You digress all over the place, then make your digressions totally natural bits that fit into the piece. About the only suggestion I have is to bump your rating up to 13+ (profanity, sex, et al). Otherwise, a perfectly wonderful piece on the, uh, opposite sex.

Keep writing!
SG
325
325
Review by Scottiegazelle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I absolutely loved this piece! It was hysterical. A great take on kids by someone "outside".

There were a couple of statements I just adored:{i/}

The effect on my friend’s little boy was something akin to attaching three nuclear generators to a single light bulb.

who prefers his jinks low and his monkeys unshined

by actual count, 642 kicks to the head
Did you really count them all? LOL!

A fantastic piece! I look forward to checking out the rest of your port!

Keep up the great work!
SG

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