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StephBee - House Targaryen

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351

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4483621

Review of The Umbrella

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Jeremy Strauss has a date with an umbrella and destiny.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the idea of the loop and how the story came full circle.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the mainly in the third person limited from Jeremy's perspective, however there are some POV shifts without a line break that kinda confused me as a reader. I would suggest a minor edit for these shifts. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's minimal dialogue.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting in the rain.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Jeremy

I was a bit confused on his motivation. He was looking for a man, found him and gave him his umbrella, but I felt like the gesture lacked something.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, but, and I'll best honest, I missed the "umph" of the ending and was a tad confused with it. Maybe if think "Twilight Zone?" where the umbrella propels the owner to hand it off? Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

352

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14 days may be credited.

#4483305

Review of Treasure

Review by StephBee - Hous...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I'm StephBee - House Targaryen

and I am reviewing your story for

SURVEY

Short Shots: Official WDC Contest

(ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering.

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Sarah's mom challenges her to find some treasure on a beach.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the character development. I could definitely feel for and understand Sarah's plight.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Sarah's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. It moves the story forward.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, this is something that could be expanded on by tapping into the five scenes. I know how the beach looks, but really put me in the scene and tell me how the beach smells.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Sarah

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She is frustrated due to her circumstances.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation to include capitalization.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The ending was solid and heartwarming. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Short Shots contest.

353

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4483301

Review of Deep Blue

Review by StephBee - Hous...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm StephBee - House Targaryen

and I am reviewing your story for

SURVEY

Short Shots: Official WDC Contest

(ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering.

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

John and Janeen find an old teak box after visiting a gorgeous aquamarine blue lake near Amagardo.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the imagination of the story. I got caught up in the "what happened" scenarios that the children came up with.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Janeen and then switches to third person omniscient with an appropriate line break. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Or maybe we never saw it at all." was John's reply.

MY SUGGESTION: "Or maybe we never saw it at all," John replied. ("was John's reply" is passive voice.)

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. You have room to tap into the five senses with a few strategic sentences. Tell me how something smells, or what it feels like to touch.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Janeen

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She's intrigued by the old teak box.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Spell out the word, "okay." OK is okay for journalistic writing, but use "okay" for creative writing.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. A nice creative story! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

354

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4483298

Review of Honeymoon for Three

Review by StephBee - Hous...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello, I'm StephBee - House Targaryen

and I am reviewing your story for

SURVEY

Short Shots: Official WDC Contest

(ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering.

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Who killed Mick? Mom or Lucy?

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characters. They were a bit over the top, but measured just enough it made for a funny story.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by a monotonous voiced host. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest spacing between dialogue so it's a bit easier for the reader to know when someone is speaking.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. Nice visual description: "Her short, steel grey hair worn in a spiked fashion."

SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Mick

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants a little companionship and no woman in her right mind will go out with him when he has a mother like that!

MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation and spelling.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. Great twists! I didn't see the one about Lucy coming, but I should have expected it. LOL! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

355

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4483297

Review of My Day Off

Review by StephBee - Hous...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I'm StephBee - House Targaryen

and I am reviewing your story for

SURVEY

Short Shots: Official WDC Contest

(ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering.

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Jennifer gets an unexpected day off from work.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the characterization. Jennifer had a nice, relaxing day doing something I might do on my day off, and that was something I could totally relate to.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Jennifer. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately. Just one suggestion:

AS WRITTEN: "Ms. Martin, please have a seat." Mr. Jenkins said as I came in. "I am..."

MY SUGGESTION: "Ms. Martin, please have a seat." Mr Jenkins motioned to the chair in front of his desk. "I am..."

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You might tap into the five senses, such as smell, touch and hearing to show us more of Jennifer's backpacking adventures.

SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting/backpacking trail/lake beach.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Jennifer

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to have a low key, relaxing day off.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening uses a strong character voice to pull the reader in, but I might suggest starting with some action. You might start with the secretary asking Jennifer to step in and talk to the boss and then have her worried and anxious before she goes in. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

356

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4483296

Review of What Happened?

Review by StephBee - Hous...

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello, I'm StephBee - House Targaryen

and I am reviewing your story for

SURVEY

Short Shots: Official WDC Contest

(ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering.

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Bradley wakes up only to find himself getting grilled by the police and his friends kidnapped.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. There's a twist that turns the story on it's head.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Bradley. Good job with narration. Present tense is used to tell the story. It is consistent, but most professional editors encourage writers to write in the past tense. As a reader, I would have enjoyed the story a bit more in the past tense.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately. If anything, there are times when the dialogue sounds a bit stiff. For example, as written: "We have stopped? Where are we? How did we get here?"

Someone in this circumstance would sound a tad more more upset. I might suggest: "We stopped? Where? Where are we?" Bradley's voice cracked with a hint of hysteria.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Bradley

There's enough here to understand his motivations.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Good use of WDC ML makes the story easy to read.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

357

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4483292

Review of Original Sin

Review by StephBee - Hous...

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I'm StephBee - House Targaryen

and I am reviewing your story for

SURVEY

Short Shots: Official WDC Contest

(ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering.

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Seth is reunited with his first love on an island paradise, but...

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. The story came around full circle. Not only that, it cemented the title. Well done.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Seth. The last paragraph switches to omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. P

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Okay, this has got to be some kind of scam..." he muttered as he picked up the phone and dialed the number.

MY SUGGESTION: "Okay, this has got to be some kind of scam." Seth mumbled to himself. He picked up the phone and the dailed the number while shaking his head.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: "Seth sat up gasping, fighting free of the cloying blanket." Great visual! If anything, I might suggest a few strategic sentences that tap into scent or touch when Seth gets to the island.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach/island setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Seth

There's enough to understand his motivation. His dreams inspire him to call the number on the postcard.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A great read! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

358

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4483290

Review of The Wave

Review by StephBee - Hous...

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello, I'm StephBee - House Targaryen

and I am reviewing your story for

SURVEY

Short Shots: Official WDC Contest

(ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering.

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

An unnamed narrator becomes good friends with Tip, who shares a taxi with her.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the concept of the story.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the second person, using "you," with periodic shifts to the first person, using line breaks. Professional editors encourage the use of the first person and third person, past tense for storytelling. The tense here is the present most of the time but switches to past. I would suggest an edit for consistency. As a suggestion, I might tell this story in the first person, past tense for the entire story. This the point of view and tense are consistent. If you do an edit for this, I will re-rate the story higher.

DIALOGUE

The story is told through narration. There's no dialogue.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach/island setting in Asia (Cambodian/Vietnamese border)

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Unnamed narrator

I would use dialogue to slip in the narrator's name. I think when you use first person, it will be easier for the reader to understand the internal conflict the main character feels.

MECHANICS

I might suggest a minor edit for spelling. I would also suggest line spacing between paragraphs on writing.com so it's easier for the read to read.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening confused me since it was in the second person. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

359

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4483286

Review of Mia

Review by StephBee - Hous...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, I'm StephBee - House Targaryen

and I am reviewing your story for

SURVEY

Short Shots: Official WDC Contest

(ASR)
Use the photo to inspire your creativity. Write a short story and win big prizes!
#1221635 by Writing.Com Support

Thanks for entering.

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Mia is saved by the Paul's father, but she harbors a secret...

WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the story flowed. Before I knew it, was over.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person limited by Paul. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: "I stared at the small oval face with the button nose and upward slanting eyes." -- nice visual with a good economy of words. The descriptions could be expanded by tapping into the five senses, especially smell.

SETTING

TIME: 1975
PLACE: coastal/beach setting.

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Paul

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to help Mia. His infatuation is well done.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. It wasn't clear to be that Uncle Al was following Paul and I had to re-read the part again until I picked up on "There was another boat far away" (which for the longest time I was confusing with the boat that followed Paul's boat, so I would make that clear that it's a separate boat. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

360

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4478178

Review of In The Beginning...

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Alex and Rebekkah travel to the beginning of time, not realizing what awaits them.

WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed the creativity and imagination of the story.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Alex's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene. I might suggest tapping into the five senses to really put me in the scene with the characters. What is the machine like? Does it smell warm and inviting, or cold and unsettling? Could you tap into a sense of touch? Hearing?

SETTING

TIME: future
PLACE: a time machine

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Alex

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to see what the beginning was like.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening needs engages the reader. The story is easy to read and well presented. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall March 2019 contest.

361

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4472149

Review of Cupid's Valentine's Day Flight

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 18+

| (1.5)

My review is meant to be honest, raw, and maybe a tad disrespectful in accordance with the Bard's Hall Cupid Slam guidelines. Remember 1 star is KING.

THE POEM

Cupid takes out Santa's sleigh on Valentines Day and starts slinging his arrows...

WHAT I LIKED

Nice stupidity on the part of Cupid.

STRUCTURE

This is a quatrain poem with the 1st/2nd and 3rd/4th lines rythming.

MECHANICS

Spelling is okay. There is a lot punctuation for bad poetry, but the story is good. I have to mark "up" for the accurate punctuation. Sorry.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

A deliciously enjoyable tale of how the bees get their revenge on Cupid.

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

Coffee Cup 2007 Review signature

}

362

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14 days may be credited.

#4472131

Review of Valentine's Day? No way!

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

My review is meant to be honest, raw, and maybe a tad disrespectful in accordance with the Bard's Hall Cupid Slam guidelines. Remember 1 star is KING.

THE POEM

The author finds Cupid offensive and wants nothing to do with the stupid.

WHAT I LIKED

Great descriptions! Also, I liked the rhythmic nature of the poem. Nice flow.

STRUCTURE

This is a free verse poem with internal rythmes. Well done.

MECHANICS

Spelling is okay. There is no punctuation, which accents the bad content.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

A deliciously enjoyable bad piece of cupid slam poetry. Well done!

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

Coffee Cup 2007 Review signature

}

363

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14 days may be credited.

#4472130

Review of A Valentine Cell-abration

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 18+

| (1.0)

My review is meant to be honest, raw, and maybe a tad disrespectful in accordance with the Bard's Hall Cupid Slam guidelines. Remember 1 star is KING.

THE POEM

Cupid did this couple no favors with his arrows.

WHAT I LIKED

Only a few minutes is all that you need to leave you with VD or... (shiver) babies. Nice bad rhythms.

STRUCTURE

This is a quatrain poem with the 1st/3rd and 2nd/4th lines rythming.

MECHANICS

Spelling is okay. There is some punctuation, but only some, so that's good.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

A deliciously enjoyable bad piece of romantic poetry. Well done!

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

Coffee Cup 2007 Review signature

}

364

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14 days may be credited.

#4460410

Review of Jean's Son

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Ron writes a heartfelt letter to his mom while he recovers from injuries.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. It was very heartfelt and uplifting.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Is there anything else I can get you?" asked Sarah as she draped a tartan blanket over Jean's knees.

MY SUGGESTION: Sarah draped a tartan blanket over Jean's knees. "Is there anything else I can get you?"

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I might suggest taping into the five senses to heighten the description.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Ron

There's enough here to understand his motivations. His injury has allowed him to explore his relationships with his family members.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The letter sounds very formal. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

365

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4460409

Review of A Side-wise Christmas

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Sarah, a solider, might not make it home in time for Christmas due to her patrol being shot at.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the tone of Sarah's letters. They felt honest and real, and captured the character's voice well. I also like that the focus of the story was on a female solider. It was a nice spin on the prompt.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with POV narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I might suggest taping into the five senses to heighten the description.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Sarah

There's enough here to understand her motivations and her concern for family.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. The story follows the prompt well. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

366

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4454985

Review of Tofurkey Day

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

A couple is in a pickle when the turkey burns up in the oven.

WHAT I LIKED

I loved the comedic character voice. I could easily see this hilarious debacle happening on Thanksgiving!

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by the wife. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue captures the essence of the characters well and I could easily picture this conversation in my mind.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene. I especially liked the scene where the poor bird gets incinerated.

SETTING

TIME: the present
PLACE: a family house

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Wife

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to cook a BIG turkey for Thanksgiving but the bird has other ideas...

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. I loved how the beginning and the ending came full circle. It funny look at how sometimes you have to resort to Tofu. Word count was not listed in the bitem. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

367

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14 days may be credited.

#4454977

Review of No Turkey?!

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

A young boy and his friend's family celebrate Thanksgiving, but is turkey on the menu?

WHAT I LIKED

I liked where Albert turned up. It was perfect for the setting.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration to tell the story. Dialogue tags were used appropriately.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scene. My only suggestion would be to touch upon the sense of smell. I've got a nice visual of the story, but I'd love to have stragetically placed sentence that really captures a warm "smell" of Thanksgiving like nutmeg, allspice, cloves, etc...

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Maine

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Unnamed narrator

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's excited to be spending Thanksgiving with his friend.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. A heartwarming story with a touch of suspense. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

368

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14 days may be credited.

#4449766

Review of Another Small Bang

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

This review is for your entry in the Bard's Hall OCT 2018 CONTEST.

THE STORY

There are 4 ghostly vignettes of restless spirits who haunt the material world.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked all the stories. I really appreciated the 'real' life aspect of the stories.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: various settings

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

None

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

My only suggestion would be to take one of these vignettes and write a historical fiction story that fits the prompt. All the vignettes are interesting, so you have a solid fountain for a story. I did not see a word count. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

369

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14 days may be credited.

#4449585

Review of A Haunted House

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

A haunted house continues to haunt a couple, even after they move...

WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the word red was used at interesting points in the story. There was a red tiled roof, a red moon, and ending pulled in the red tiled roof again to make a nice circle back to the beginning.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person, by an unnamed narration. Narration is consistent. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest using the 5 senses. You could have a lot of fun with "smell."

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting/a haunted house

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Ann-Louise

There's enough here to understand her motivations. After losing her child and family, cats become her friends until ...

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest. Good use of honor elements in the story.

370

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14 days may be credited.

#4449582

Review of Sewer Creature

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

A sewer creature bubbles up from where else? The sewer - in pursuit of food.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the icky description of the sewer creature. That's what drew me in.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person. Point of View "head hops" between the sewer creature and other people involved in the story which can be disconcerting. It might suggest using a consistent voice of an unnamed narrator. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest taping into the sense of "smell." Things I liked: "greasy dark creature." "warm putrid air."

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting/home

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Sewer Creature, Nicole and Cathy and Sam

There's enough here to understand their motivations. Everyone wants to eat.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was NOT listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest. The story is creepy and icky and raises the hair on ones' arms. I'd suggest a broad edit to fix small things.

371

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4449569

Review of The Pumpkin Patch

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

The Ditmore family goes to the local Pumpkin Patch to pick a pumpkin. Little do they realize there are sinister intentions involved...

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending! It brought the story full circle and brought home the "horro" nature of the story well.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person. Point of View "head hops" between Marci and Tom, which can be disconcerting. It might suggest using a consistent voice of an unnamed narrator. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Are you sure this is all right?" his wife asked as she unbuckled her seat belt. "I don't see anybody else here."

MY SUGGESTION: Marci unbuckled her seat belt. "Are you sure this is all right? I don't see anyone here."

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest using the 5 senses. You could have a lot of fun with "smell."

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting/pumpkin patch

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Marci and Tom

There's enough here to understand their motivations. They want to buy their kids a pumpkin for Halloween.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

372

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14 days may be credited.

#4443751

Review of The Missing Captain

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines. My review is for the Bard's Hall Contest:
FORUM
The Bard's Hall Contest (13+)
APRIL: Flash Fiction, 500 word limit.
#981150 by StephBee - House Targaryen

THE STORY

Cpt. O'Leary is missing from the Bardstown's Celebration. Hall and Fife and the mayor may have a clue as to what happened to him.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the graphic at the end that was made to look like a note. Though I was a bit bummed O'Leary didn't have a happier ending.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. A good attempt considering the 18 sentence limit.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Mayor Writon, Fife and Hall

There's enough here to understand their motivations. They are trying to find their friend.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

The opening engages the reader. Sentence count was followed for the contest. Presentation of the story was well done. It was easy to read and understand. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.

373

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14 days may be credited.

#4443747

Review of FIRE! FIRE!

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

THE STORY

Cpt. O'Leary is missing from the Bardstown's Celebration. There's an APB out for Harvey and Cpt. O'Leary has to go catch him again!

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the poem. There was a nice catchy rhythm to it and it gave the reader a good idea why Cpt. O'Leary was up to what he was up to.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. A good attempt considering the 18 sentence limit.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Cpt O'Leary

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's waiting for Harvey to show up and destroy his house.

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

374

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4443741

Review of Case of the Missing Captain O’Leary!

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE STORY

Cpt. O'Leary is missing from the Bardstown's Celebration. Hall and Fife go searching for Cpt. O'Leary and find him in a completely unexpected place!

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the "voice" of the story. There was a hint of energy and fun to it. The opening line was a nice hook and it was easy to "see" Fife in my mind as a reader.

POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

DIALOGUE

There's a nice blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.

DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. Given that the author has to solve the mystery in 18 sentences, they did a great job describing the setting and characters.

SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

CHARACTERS

Hall and Fife

There's enough here to understand their motivations. They need to find Cpt O'Leary and fast before the Bardtown's celebrations are ruined!

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. Sentence count was followed for the contest. I really enjoyed the ending. Good luck in the contest.

375

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14 days may be credited.

#4437550

Review of Sharmelle's Expressions Great Teachers

Review by StephBee - Hous...

In affiliation with Bard's Hall Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

THE CNOTES

These cnotes are meant to knowledge teachers and their hard work.

WHAT I LIKED

I liked the design of notes.

ENGAGING

If you'd like to reach out to a "teacher" who has been fantastic, this is the place to come.

VARIETY

The variety is in the changing colors of the apples and books. If anything, I'd love to see something a little different here. I think an "apple" is heartfelt, but perhaps old fashioned. Nothing wrong with old fashioned, but I'd try to incorporate some new ideas. Cookies and Milk? Coffee? Tea? pencils? Crome books?

MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

PARTING THOUGHTS

Suggestion as mentioned above. There's a warm, heartfelt introduction, but I might suggestion using a graphic to frame the theme of the cnote collections.

Reviewed by StephB for the Bard's Hall Contest.

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