My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Katie wants to go to Stephanie's sleepover, but the family has other plans.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the author weaved the visual prompt into the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Line breaks are used appropriately. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You don't need much. If you wanted to "amp" up the visual, you could, but maybe you could tap into the smell. What does Eric smell like? The bad guy? Molly the cat?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Katie
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She feels neglected by her parents.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I would spell out "okay" for creative writing. "Ok" is alright for journalistic writing.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and I liked the ending as it gave hope to all the characters. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
The story contains the letters of a soldier who might not make it home to Thanksgiving during World War I.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the letters captured the feel of the time period.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Sid. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue as the story is told over a series of letters.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Maybe touch upon the five senses and the smell.
SETTING
TIME: 1915
PLACE: battlefield
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Sid
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for spelling.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The bitem does not follow the story prompt of ending with "happy thanksgiving." Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
The turkey is ruined! Can a side dish become the main attraction?
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the premise of the story. I also enjoy all the characters names. They seemed appropriate for a Thanksgiving story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Present tense is used. Most professional editors encourage the use of past tense. For me, as a reader, I find present tense a bit jarring to read.
DIALOGUE
There's a descent blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "What happened to the turkey?" Nama exclaimed as soon as the turkey came out of the oven.
MY SUGGESTION: Name pulled the turkey out of the oven. She wrinkled her nose, pursed her lips and felt her heart skip a beat. "What happened to the turkey!"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could really touch on the sense of smell to heightened the fact the turkey did not cook well.
SETTING
TIME: Thanksgiving
PLACE: the kitchen
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Nama
There's enough here to understand her motivations. The turkey is a wreck. Now what?
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good use of the prompt in the story. I liked how Nama and the family solved the Turkey dilemma. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
The turkey was soooo big, it barely fit in the oven! Can Thanksgiving dinner be saved?
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how "Birdzilla" took on a life of it's own and drove the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Jeanie. Good job with narration. Good use of line breaks to separate the narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Good use of dialogue tags
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could really touch on the sense of smell to heighten the suspense regarding the big, bad Birdzilla.
SETTING
TIME: 1985
PLACE: a house
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jeanie
There's enough here to understand her motivations. Who doesn't worry about cooking the Thanksgiving bird?
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. The story is easy to read. Good use of WDC ML.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is a bit passive. I might start out with framing the period.
My suggestion: "It was 1985. Ronald Reagan was immensely popular, Calvin and his stuffed tiger, Hobbes, were out to conquer the world, Bruce Springsteen sung about things I cared about."
Coming of age in 1985, I don't remember too many people worrying about "corn fed" turkey, as I think that's more of a modern 2010's concern, and I probably wouldn't mention it in the story.
Good use of the prompt in the story. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Mom is hoping the boys will bring home a gator for Thanksgiving because that's what you eat when you live in a swamp.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the character voice. It really helped to draw me into the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Mom. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. You could expand on the descriptions a bit by touching on the five senses. I'd love to know Swamp Thanksgiving smells like.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: rural/swamp setting?
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Mom
There's enough here to understand her motivations. It's time to prepare Thanksgiving dinner.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The story followed the prompt. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Mrs. Stone is kidnapped and the Bardstown's police department must solve the crime before the Founder's Day activities start, with a little help from the tech team.
WHAT I LIKED
The opening sentence captured the imagination and had me hooked.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration and does a great job capturing the individual character voice.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: Bardstown, USA
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Captain O'Leary
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to solve the crime.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
The opening engages the reader. Nice twist at the end! Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Mr. Jones takes his Boy Scout troop an an adventure to cave as part of his "Bucket List."
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. It was very heartwarming.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Mr Jones. Good job with narration. I might suggest an edit for tense. It switches between past and present and can be a tad confusing for readers.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could tap into the five senses and heighten the suspense in the cave using smell and touch.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: cave setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Mr. Jones
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. The font and spacing make the story easy to read.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Joey and Danny go camping and get spooked by a furry guest.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the boys react to their furry visitor. It was very cute.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the story.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, I might touch on the sense of smell. How does the forest smell? The furry visitor?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: rural setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Joey and Danny
There's enough here to understand their motivations. I'd freak out too if I discovered a visitor in my tent.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. I might also suggest spacing between paragraphs. It's easier to read on WDC.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Jake encounters a snake while camping in the woods.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the suspense grew more tense with every word.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Jake's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's not much dialogue. The dialogue accents the narration. My suggestion would be not to put action in the dialogue tag.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "To hell with you," Jake said, his heart trying to pound its way through his chest. He turned and ran.
MY SUGGESTION: "To hell with you!" Jake turned and ran, his heart pounding its way through his chest.
DESCRIPTIONS
Fantastic descriptions. I loved: "It felt as hot as fresh brewed coffee." And: "greasy nausea." The story utilizes a good economy of words to communicate suspense and fear.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: rural setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jake
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to get away from the snake.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE BLOG
I Blog Poetry and Prose engages the reader using poetry, and short, interesting spiritual posts.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the posts were short and engaging. I especially liked the entry for 14 JUN. I did not know much about Baha’u’llah, but what was nice, was that on the face of the entries, I didn't need to know about Bah'u'llah, I just went with it. The posts intrigue the reader to wanting to find out more.
ENGAGING
The blog invites the reader to engage. I posted several times on topics.
VARIETY
There was a nice variety of posts. Some were poetry, some discussed were interesting (like the pennies) and reflective.
EXPRESSIVE
The blog was easy to read. I enjoyed the the reflective/spiritual aspects of the posts.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes, but then when it comes to reviewing blogs, I'm a bit more liberal.
PARTING THOUGHTS
Good use of graphics and WDC ML in the introduction to attract readers. I enjoyed visiting your blog.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE PHOTOGRAPH
Palm tree branches meet in the middle with the planet Venus hovering over them.
THE POEM
This is a haiku which captures the essence of the photo, which, to me, was calm and inviting.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the color scheme of the photo. The words tease the calming effect of Venus. I could almost feel, the warm, but not too warm, air surrounding me as I kicked back with a drink to relax.
STRUCTURE
This is a haiku that follows a 5-7-5 syllable scheme. Well done.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
No suggestions for improvement. Well done! The prompt followed the Bard's Hall Contest rules.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THIS IS FOR THE ENTRY: THE BROKEN UMBRELLA
An unnamed female narrator tries to determine if her grandson has autism.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the warm beats of the story. It was very heartfelt.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unnamed Female Narrator
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good use of incorporating the visual prompt into the story. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Norman is trying to change the past with his friend, Del.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the story line. The opening proves very intriguing and hooks the reader quickly.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Norman's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used. I might suggest using past tense, as most professional editors suggest it. Present tense can be confusing to read at times.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses to include smell and touch. That might help to build suspense.
SETTING
TIME: in the future
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that could be clarified a tad more for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Norman
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening hooks the reader and does a good job incorporating the visual prompt. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
"Night" is a hired enforcer who is compelled to listen to what his boss says, but sometimes his boss isn't right.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the characterization. I thought Night was a very original character, and story was very creative with the visual prompt.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Night. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could tap into the five senses or perhaps, stress the lack of them considering the story.
SETTING
TIME: the future
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Night
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling and punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I didn't see the word count listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Amber is a lawyer who gets in some trouble while trying to solve a case.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the story. Very inspirational.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Amber. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. My only suggestion here would be to be mindful of the character voice. Amber is a lawyer, so I, as a reader, expect her to sound more sophisticated then how she is currently written.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the five senses. You can really heighten the suspense, especially using smell and touch.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Lisa
There's enough here to understand her motivations.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling, grammar, and punctuation. I would capitalize "God" when you write "thank god."
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
On the planet "Aridus," Lisa must try to find a way to communicate with the natives of the planet.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the imagination behind the story. A creative take on the visual prompt.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Lisa. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I suggest tapping into the five senses, especially touch and smell.
SETTING
TIME: in the future
PLACE: the planet Aridus
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Lisa
There's enough here to understand his motivations. She's working hard to establish a common language between her and the native people to the planet.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The ending touches on the visual prompt with the word "rain," but I would have loved to have seen you tackle the umbrella aspect of the prompt. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Jeremy Strauss has a date with an umbrella and destiny. WHAT I LIKED
I liked the idea of the loop and how the story came full circle.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the mainly in the third person limited from Jeremy's perspective, however there are some POV shifts without a line break that kinda confused me as a reader. I would suggest a minor edit for these shifts. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's minimal dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting in the rain.
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jeremy
I was a bit confused on his motivation. He was looking for a man, found him and gave him his umbrella, but I felt like the gesture lacked something.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, but, and I'll best honest, I missed the "umph" of the ending and was a tad confused with it. Maybe if think "Twilight Zone?" where the umbrella propels the owner to hand it off? Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Sarah's mom challenges her to find some treasure on a beach.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the character development. I could definitely feel for and understand Sarah's plight.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Sarah's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. It moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. If anything, this is something that could be expanded on by tapping into the five scenes. I know how the beach looks, but really put me in the scene and tell me how the beach smells.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Sarah
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She is frustrated due to her circumstances.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation to include capitalization.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The ending was solid and heartwarming. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Short Shots contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
John and Janeen find an old teak box after visiting a gorgeous aquamarine blue lake near Amagardo.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the imagination of the story. I got caught up in the "what happened" scenarios that the children came up with.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Janeen and then switches to third person omniscient with an appropriate line break. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a separate sentence.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Or maybe we never saw it at all." was John's reply.
MY SUGGESTION: "Or maybe we never saw it at all," John replied. ("was John's reply" is passive voice.)
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. You have room to tap into the five senses with a few strategic sentences. Tell me how something smells, or what it feels like to touch.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Janeen
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She's intrigued by the old teak box.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Spell out the word, "okay." OK is okay for journalistic writing, but use "okay" for creative writing.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. A nice creative story! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Who killed Mick? Mom or Lucy?
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the characters. They were a bit over the top, but measured just enough it made for a funny story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by a monotonous voiced host. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest spacing between dialogue so it's a bit easier for the reader to know when someone is speaking.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. Nice visual description: "Her short, steel grey hair worn in a spiked fashion."
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Mick
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants a little companionship and no woman in her right mind will go out with him when he has a mother like that!
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation and spelling.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. Great twists! I didn't see the one about Lucy coming, but I should have expected it. LOL! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Jennifer gets an unexpected day off from work.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the characterization. Jennifer had a nice, relaxing day doing something I might do on my day off, and that was something I could totally relate to.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Jennifer. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately. Just one suggestion:
AS WRITTEN: "Ms. Martin, please have a seat." Mr. Jenkins said as I came in. "I am..."
MY SUGGESTION: "Ms. Martin, please have a seat." Mr Jenkins motioned to the chair in front of his desk. "I am..."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You might tap into the five senses, such as smell, touch and hearing to show us more of Jennifer's backpacking adventures.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting/backpacking trail/lake beach.
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jennifer
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to have a low key, relaxing day off.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening uses a strong character voice to pull the reader in, but I might suggest starting with some action. You might start with the secretary asking Jennifer to step in and talk to the boss and then have her worried and anxious before she goes in. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Bradley wakes up only to find himself getting grilled by the police and his friends kidnapped.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. There's a twist that turns the story on it's head.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Bradley. Good job with narration. Present tense is used to tell the story. It is consistent, but most professional editors encourage writers to write in the past tense. As a reader, I would have enjoyed the story a bit more in the past tense.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately. If anything, there are times when the dialogue sounds a bit stiff. For example, as written: "We have stopped? Where are we? How did we get here?"
Someone in this circumstance would sound a tad more more upset. I might suggest: "We stopped? Where? Where are we?" Bradley's voice cracked with a hint of hysteria.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Bradley
There's enough here to understand his motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. Good use of WDC ML makes the story easy to read.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Seth is reunited with his first love on an island paradise, but...
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. The story came around full circle. Not only that, it cemented the title. Well done.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Seth. The last paragraph switches to omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. P
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Okay, this has got to be some kind of scam..." he muttered as he picked up the phone and dialed the number.
MY SUGGESTION: "Okay, this has got to be some kind of scam." Seth mumbled to himself. He picked up the phone and the dailed the number while shaking his head.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: "Seth sat up gasping, fighting free of the cloying blanket." Great visual! If anything, I might suggest a few strategic sentences that tap into scent or touch when Seth gets to the island.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach/island setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Seth
There's enough to understand his motivation. His dreams inspire him to call the number on the postcard.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. A great read! Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
An unnamed narrator becomes good friends with Tip, who shares a taxi with her.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the concept of the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the second person, using "you," with periodic shifts to the first person, using line breaks. Professional editors encourage the use of the first person and third person, past tense for storytelling. The tense here is the present most of the time but switches to past. I would suggest an edit for consistency. As a suggestion, I might tell this story in the first person, past tense for the entire story. This the point of view and tense are consistent. If you do an edit for this, I will re-rate the story higher.
DIALOGUE
The story is told through narration. There's no dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: beach/island setting in Asia (Cambodian/Vietnamese border)
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unnamed narrator
I would use dialogue to slip in the narrator's name. I think when you use first person, it will be easier for the reader to understand the internal conflict the main character feels.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling. I would also suggest line spacing between paragraphs on writing.com so it's easier for the read to read.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening confused me since it was in the second person. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Mia is saved by the Paul's father, but she harbors a secret...
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the story flowed. Before I knew it, was over.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person limited by Paul. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Dialogue tags are used appropriately.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked: "I stared at the small oval face with the button nose and upward slanting eyes." -- nice visual with a good economy of words. The descriptions could be expanded by tapping into the five senses, especially smell.
SETTING
TIME: 1975
PLACE: coastal/beach setting.
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Paul
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to help Mia. His infatuation is well done.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. It wasn't clear to be that Uncle Al was following Paul and I had to re-read the part again until I picked up on "There was another boat far away" (which for the longest time I was confusing with the boat that followed Paul's boat, so I would make that clear that it's a separate boat. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgcardin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.77 seconds at 5:59pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
} 
WHAT I LIKED