The morning after a snowstorm the crows are out and about...
WHAT I LIKED
I love the picture painted with the words. I could envision looking out my window, seeing the landscape covered in snow and finding the crows resting in the tree limbs. Well done.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with every two lines rythming.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Well written. I grew up in NH and the poem evokes warmhearted feelings of home.
Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox
It's National Poetry Month in the US. Read a poem today.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Dave's wife is on life support and he wishes for a few extra moments with her.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the character introspection and emotion. Well done.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Dave. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: The small woman entered from a back room. "Davie!" She said, running into the man's arms. "It's so good to see you."
MY SUGGESTION: The small woman entered from a backk room and ran into the man's arms. "Davie, it's so good to see you."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. The emotional descriptions tugs on the heartstrings. If you want to tighten up the setting descriptions. you might want to use a couple of strageticly placed sentences that focus on the five senses.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Dave
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants a happy ending with his wife.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening draws the reader into the story.
Write On.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A fantasy story, an unnamed narrator and her friends face the threat of the Spider Queen. I'm sure the narrator is named previously, so it didn't bother me that I didn't catch her name in this chapter.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the plot flowed - it never lingered, put me in the scene, and before I knew it, the chapter was at "the end." The author's writing style is easy to read. I hadn't read any of the previous chapters and I could flow right along with that was occuring.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the female narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. The descriptions don't linger. The author uses a good economy of words to paint visuals. I especially liked the description in the 2nd paragraph. I could easily picture the scene in my mind as a reader.
SETTING
TIME: unknown
PLACE: rural/fantasy setting?
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Female narrator
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to help her friend who is trapped by the Spider Queen.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit. The opening begins: "As we climbed became, the branches" it feels like there's a missing word. Also watch out for the use of "ly" adverbs. Use them sparingly. For grace, you can always write: "She moved with fluid grace" and make the sentence active and effective.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is full of action that draws the reader in.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tom waits by a Christmas tree to see if his sweetheart will join him on Christmas Eve.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved how the author evoked emotion. Well done. The story put me in the moment.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Tom. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Hi," she said, her eyes taking in his face.
MY SUGGESTION: She gazed up at his face. "Hi."
Also, just an FYI - you don't have to say "she said in reply." I'd stick with either "She said" or "She replied."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I especially loved: "Her furrowed brow told him she didn't understand his concern, was confused by his request, but she agree." Very descriptive, using a good economy of words and isn't passive. Well done.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Tom
There's enough here to understand his motivations. Love.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The author's writing style is read to read and understand.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Ian is on his way to a blind date for Valentines Day.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. It complimented the story well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person by Ian. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue helps to "show" what's going on and moves the narration forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. This is minor, if anything I might tap into the five senses using a couple of strageticly placed sentences to really paint the visuals.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Ian
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's on his way to a date when he gets stuck in a traffic jam in the rain.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening piques the reader's interest. Great character introspection.
Write on!
Your story will be included in my Romance/Love NL dated 6 FEB 2013.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Jake travels to Japan and recalls his first romance.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed how the story really put me in the memory and evoked emotion.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Jake's perspective. Good job with narration. The tense shifts from past to present on occasion and you want to be consistent with it. I would suggest an edit for past tense.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Again, this minor. If anything, I'd love to see the author evoke the sense of smell as a memory.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting - Japan
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jake
There's enough here to understand his motivations. I'm not sure if he's traveling for business or pleasure, so I would tighten that up a bit.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader as to why Jake's in Japan and keeps them reading. The story evokes emotionwell and uses a good economy of words to paint the ambience of romance.
Write on!
Your story will be included in my Romance/Love NL dated 6 FEB 2013.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Andrea doesn't quite believe that coffee at "The Coffee Bean" can be made with love.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved how the author placed just a splash of magic into every cup at the coffee shop. Well done and believable.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person from Andrea's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on - and you don't need much. Just a stragetic sentence or two appropriately placed. If anything, put me in the coffee shop as a customer sitting next to Andrea. What does the shop smell like? What's the decor? What does it sound like?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Andrea
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to disprove that magic is used at the coffee shop.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any puncutation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for spelling.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, wanting them to take the journey along with Andrea.
Write on!
Your story will be featured in my Romance/Love NL dated 6 FEB 2013.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Huck
THE STORY
Huck is a philologist who is drawn into an enigma involving the death of Joan of Arc.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the storyline. It piqued my interest. I didn't want the story to end.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Huck. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moved the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. For me, this was minor. If you want to "amp" this up, I might suggest adding description involving the 5 senses, especially smell. What does the church and hole smell like?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: France
This was clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Huck
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to explore the enigma.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Aubrey/McKenna
THE STORY
Aubrey is kidnapped in England and held against her will.
WHAT I LIKED
The storyline had me on the edge of my seat. The author built the suspense well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by "Aubrey." Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Sit," he said, pushing me down onto the mattress.
MY SUGGESTION: He shoved me down onto the mattress. "Sit."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. For me, this was minor. If you want to "amp" this up, I might suggest adding description involving the 5 senses, especially smell. What does the room smell like? What does he smell Reid smell like? Day old cigarettes and booze?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: England
This was clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Aubrey
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to escape from Reid.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, and the story had me biting my nails. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
No
THE STORY
A girl takes off on vacation to explore England.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the character's emotion and enuthasim.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: England
This is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unnarmed narrator
There's enough here to understand hed motivations. She wants to go on vacation and chooses England, gaving a grand adventure.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor spelling edit.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening interests the reader. If anything, I might suggest not using "I" to start too many sentences in a row. Switch it up a little. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Elizabeth Dawson, found in the title only
THE STORY
Elizabeth accompanies her friend Julia to Australia.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the journey the character takes.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Elizabeth. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.
SETTING
TIME: early 1900's
PLACE: Australia
This is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Elizabeth
There's enough here to understand his motivations. She wants to help her friend.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I would suggest spelling out "okay" in manuscript writing. It's okay to use "ok" in journalistic writing, but most professional editors want to see it spelled out.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening interests the reader. I might suggest spacing between paragraphs on Writing.com to make it easier on the reader's eyes. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
No
THE STORY
The main character takes off to Europe to find herself.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the opening. It caught my attention.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: Europe
This is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unnamed Narrator
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wanted to find herself.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Aidan is assigned to protect the Russian's ambassador's daughter.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the character voice.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Aidan. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that could be clarified a little better for the reader. I wasn't sure of the time or the place of the story.
CHARACTERS
Aidan
Aidan is assigned on a security detail. While this is a vignette, and I got a sense that Aidan is a very physcial, "hands-to-hands" combat body guard, I didn't get a good feel for what he expected to get out of the assignment.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. If anything, I think 16 might be too young for the situtation, making it a bit implausable. I might suggest making Aidan a little older so he have the time to gain the experience needed to give the character crediabilty. Perhaps 22 or 23? The opening draws the reader in using good character voice.
Write on!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
It's Christmas and Carrie and Tom, residents at the senior home are preparing for the holidays.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the heartwarming friendship between Carrie and Tom. They know where they're at in life, they accept the challenges and face them bravely.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Carrie. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might tap into the five senses, especially smell, during a Christmas story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Carrie
There's enough here to understand her motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. The ending is a bit a surprise - and unlikely Christmas Miracle. I love how the ending tied into the title. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the SOYB contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
It's Christmas, but Angelique's fiance must fight the invaders, leaving her alone and worried for him.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the hope the story offered. The ending was heartwarming.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the narration forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the 5 senses. I'd love to know how Christmas smells for Angelique. You don't need a lot, just a stragetic sentence peppered into the narration.
SETTING
TIME: England 1765
PLACE: Kensington
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Angelique
There's enough here to understand her motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. There's one punctation mistake after "Angelique always made sure the candles0 were snuffed." I had a suggestion for this line as written: The petite maid said with a blushing smile. My suggestion: The petite maid offered a blushing smiles.
Overall, I loved the story and the ambience of romance and hope it captured.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A cute short story of how a man a woman met.
WHAT I LIKED
It's a story we can all relate to. The writing is easy to read.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I would use the five sense, especially scent to draw the reader into the scene.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Male narrator
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's a bit shy, but gets the encouragement he needs.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Nice character voice.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tracy has a bad experience with a Ogui board.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the plot. I could totally believe the ogui board had summoned an unwanted spirit.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Tracy. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There is no dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Tracy
I could totally feel her fear. The author did a good job bringing out Tracy's emotions.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for punctuation, spelling and grammar.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I might also space between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A couple is trying to sell their condo without using a realtor.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the comedic elements of the story. It kept me smiling. People never cease to surprise one.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the male seller. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Husband/Wife
The characters are very likable and you can easily sympathize with them.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no real suggestions for improvement, if anything I would have loved to have seen this a little longer. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sgcardin/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/14
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 1.37 seconds at 4:37am on May 16, 2021 via server WEB1.
Awards
Badges
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Auto-Reward Items
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
WHAT I LIKED
THE POEM
