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Public Reviews
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326
326
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

This "advice/how to" essay is about how to compose a love letter. It includes several componets necessary for a love letter.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is an essay. It's organized well, if anything, I might suggest spacing between paragraphs so it's easier on the eye.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/puncutation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Spot on advice that's never critical and very constructive.

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

A little girl in the sandbox of life.
327
327
Review of Unsent Letters  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

The poem shows the reader the "desk of life" and how love travels over the tabletop.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with no apparent rythme scheme.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Excellent use of metaphor. Very good expression. The poem is easy to read and understand.
Two thumbs up!

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

A review signature
328
328
Review of Miss me tonight  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

A romantic poem that captures the ache of missing a loved one.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem. The 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza rythme.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/puctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Very expressive. The poem uses a nature metaphor to paint emotion. Good use of the "Miss Me" refrain.

*Star* I enjoyed this poem so much I gave it an awardicon.

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox

My milk & cookies review signature.
329
329
Review of Song of the Crow  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Reading* THE POEM

The morning after a snowstorm the crows are out and about...

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I love the picture painted with the words. I could envision looking out my window, seeing the landscape covered in snow and finding the crows resting in the tree limbs. Well done.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a free form poem with every two lines rythming.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. Well written. I grew up in NH and the poem evokes warmhearted feelings of home.

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox
It's National Poetry Month in the US. Read a poem today. *Smile*

#1 2009 Review signature

330
330
Review of The Gypsy Girl  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* THE POEM

A gyspy woman falls in love, but life throws her a curve.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the story contained in the poem. It touched upon the reader's heartstrings.

*Star* STRUCTURE

The 1st two lines in each stanza rythme. The 3rd/4th lines of each stanza also rythme.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not notice any spelling mistakes, but I might suggest an edit for punctation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as listed. The poem evokes emotion effortlessly. Good use of nature and love. An enjoyable read!

#1 2009 Review signature
331
331
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Dave's wife is on life support and he wishes for a few extra moments with her.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the character introspection and emotion. Well done.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Dave. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: The small woman entered from a back room. "Davie!" She said, running into the man's arms. "It's so good to see you."

MY SUGGESTION: The small woman entered from a backk room and ran into the man's arms. "Davie, it's so good to see you."

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. The emotional descriptions tugs on the heartstrings. If you want to tighten up the setting descriptions. you might want to use a couple of strageticly placed sentences that focus on the five senses.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Dave

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants a happy ending with his wife. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening draws the reader into the story.
Write On.

#1 2009 Review signature
332
332
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A fantasy story, an unnamed narrator and her friends face the threat of the Spider Queen. I'm sure the narrator is named previously, so it didn't bother me that I didn't catch her name in this chapter.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the plot flowed - it never lingered, put me in the scene, and before I knew it, the chapter was at "the end." The author's writing style is easy to read. I hadn't read any of the previous chapters and I could flow right along with that was occuring.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by the female narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. The descriptions don't linger. The author uses a good economy of words to paint visuals. I especially liked the description in the 2nd paragraph. I could easily picture the scene in my mind as a reader.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: unknown
PLACE: rural/fantasy setting?

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Female narrator

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to help her friend who is trapped by the Spider Queen. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit. The opening begins: "As we climbed became, the branches" it feels like there's a missing word. Also watch out for the use of "ly" adverbs. Use them sparingly. For grace, you can always write: "She moved with fluid grace" and make the sentence active and effective.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is full of action that draws the reader in.

#1 2009 Review signature
333
333
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Tom waits by a Christmas tree to see if his sweetheart will join him on Christmas Eve.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved how the author evoked emotion. Well done. The story put me in the moment.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Tom. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Hi," she said, her eyes taking in his face.

MY SUGGESTION: She gazed up at his face. "Hi."

Also, just an FYI - you don't have to say "she said in reply." I'd stick with either "She said" or "She replied."

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes. I especially loved: "Her furrowed brow told him she didn't understand his concern, was confused by his request, but she agree." Very descriptive, using a good economy of words and isn't passive. Well done.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Tom

There's enough here to understand his motivations. Love. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The author's writing style is read to read and understand.

#1 2009 Review signature
334
334
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Laura works in a coffee shop and observes a stranger that intrigues her. Dare she strike up a conversation?

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked how the story built up to the end. The end was very rewarding.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Laura. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting - coffee shop

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Laura

There's enough here to understand her motivations. Great character introspection. It makes Laura's motives and actios totally believable. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/puncuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader to find out more.
Write on!

Your story will be featured in my Romance/Love Newsletter dated 6 FEB 2013.

#1 2009 Review signature
335
335
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Ian is on his way to a blind date for Valentines Day.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the ending. It complimented the story well.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person by Ian. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue helps to "show" what's going on and moves the narration forward.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. This is minor, if anything I might tap into the five senses using a couple of strageticly placed sentences to really paint the visuals.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Ian

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's on his way to a date when he gets stuck in a traffic jam in the rain. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening piques the reader's interest. Great character introspection.
Write on!

Your story will be included in my Romance/Love NL dated 6 FEB 2013.
#1 2009 Review signature
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336
Review of Two Summers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Jake travels to Japan and recalls his first romance.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed how the story really put me in the memory and evoked emotion.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited from Jake's perspective. Good job with narration. The tense shifts from past to present on occasion and you want to be consistent with it. I would suggest an edit for past tense.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue accents the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Again, this minor. If anything, I'd love to see the author evoke the sense of smell as a memory.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting - Japan

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Jake

There's enough here to understand his motivations. I'm not sure if he's traveling for business or pleasure, so I would tighten that up a bit. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader as to why Jake's in Japan and keeps them reading. The story evokes emotionwell and uses a good economy of words to paint the ambience of romance.

Write on!
Your story will be included in my Romance/Love NL dated 6 FEB 2013.

#1 2009 Review signature
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337
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Andrea doesn't quite believe that coffee at "The Coffee Bean" can be made with love.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved how the author placed just a splash of magic into every cup at the coffee shop. Well done and believable.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person from Andrea's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on - and you don't need much. Just a stragetic sentence or two appropriately placed. If anything, put me in the coffee shop as a customer sitting next to Andrea. What does the shop smell like? What's the decor? What does it sound like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Andrea

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to disprove that magic is used at the coffee shop. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any puncutation mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for spelling.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, wanting them to take the journey along with Andrea.

Write on!

Your story will be featured in my Romance/Love NL dated 6 FEB 2013.
#1 2009 Review signature
338
338
Review of The Enigma  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, I'm StephB aka Rona Virus and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
What a Character! : Official WDC Contest  (E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Star* NAME

For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Huck

*Reading* THE STORY

Huck is a philologist who is drawn into an enigma involving the death of Joan of Arc.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed the storyline. It piqued my interest. I didn't want the story to end.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Huck. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moved the story forward.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. For me, this was minor. If you want to "amp" this up, I might suggest adding description involving the 5 senses, especially smell. What does the church and hole smell like?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: France

This was clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Huck

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to explore the enigma. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
339
339
Review of Thirteen  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, I'm StephB aka Rona Virus and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
What a Character! : Official WDC Contest  (E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Star* NAME

For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Aubrey/McKenna

*Reading* THE STORY

Aubrey is kidnapped in England and held against her will.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

The storyline had me on the edge of my seat. The author built the suspense well.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by "Aubrey." Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.

FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Sit," he said, pushing me down onto the mattress.

MY SUGGESTION: He shoved me down onto the mattress. "Sit."

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. For me, this was minor. If you want to "amp" this up, I might suggest adding description involving the 5 senses, especially smell. What does the room smell like? What does he smell Reid smell like? Day old cigarettes and booze?

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: England

This was clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Aubrey

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to escape from Reid. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader, and the story had me biting my nails. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
340
340
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, I'm StephB aka Rona Virus and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
What a Character! : Official WDC Contest  (E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Star*NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
No

*Reading* THE STORY

A girl takes off on vacation to explore England.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the character's emotion and enuthasim.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: England

This is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnarmed narrator

There's enough here to understand hed motivations. She wants to go on vacation and chooses England, gaving a grand adventure. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any punctuation mistakes. I might suggest a minor spelling edit.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening interests the reader. If anything, I might suggest not using "I" to start too many sentences in a row. Switch it up a little. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature

341
341
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, I'm StephB aka Rona Virus and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
What a Character! : Official WDC Contest  (E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Star*NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
Yes - Elizabeth Dawson, found in the title only

*Reading* THE STORY

Elizabeth accompanies her friend Julia to Australia.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the journey the character takes.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Elizabeth. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's no dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: early 1900's
PLACE: Australia

This is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Elizabeth

There's enough here to understand his motivations. She wants to help her friend. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I would suggest spelling out "okay" in manuscript writing. It's okay to use "ok" in journalistic writing, but most professional editors want to see it spelled out.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening interests the reader. I might suggest spacing between paragraphs on Writing.com to make it easier on the reader's eyes. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature

342
342
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, I'm StephB aka Rona Virus and I am reviewing your story for
 
SURVEY
What a Character! : Official WDC Contest  (E)
Create a memorable character using the given prompt for huge prizes!
#1679316 by Writing.Com Support
Thanks for entering.

*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Star*NAME
For the "What a Character" Contest, was the main character named?
No

*Reading* THE STORY

The main character takes off to Europe to find herself.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the opening. It caught my attention.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest adding a stragetic sentence or two focusing on the 5 senses, smell would be a good one.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: Europe

This is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Unnamed Narrator

There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wanted to find herself. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature

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343
Review of One Tract Mind  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Aidan is assigned to protect the Russian's ambassador's daughter.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the character voice.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Aidan. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?

This is something that could be clarified a little better for the reader. I wasn't sure of the time or the place of the story.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Aidan

Aidan is assigned on a security detail. While this is a vignette, and I got a sense that Aidan is a very physcial, "hands-to-hands" combat body guard, I didn't get a good feel for what he expected to get out of the assignment.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. If anything, I think 16 might be too young for the situtation, making it a bit implausable. I might suggest making Aidan a little older so he have the time to gain the experience needed to give the character crediabilty. Perhaps 22 or 23? The opening draws the reader in using good character voice.
Write on!

#1 2009 Review signature
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344
Review of Embrace  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Reading* THE POEM

The poem expresses the effects of a hug.

*Idea* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the expression. Very heartfelt and endearing. Sweetly romantic.

*Star* STRUCTURE

This is a diamante style poem.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling errors. There was no punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no suggestions for improvement. The poem is easy to read and experience.
Write on!

#1 2009 Review signature

Reviewed by StephB in the Sandbox
345
345
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

It's Christmas and Carrie and Tom, residents at the senior home are preparing for the holidays.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I enjoyed the heartwarming friendship between Carrie and Tom. They know where they're at in life, they accept the challenges and face them bravely.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person limited by Carrie. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might tap into the five senses, especially smell, during a Christmas story.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Carrie

There's enough here to understand her motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. The ending is a bit a surprise - and unlikely Christmas Miracle. I love how the ending tied into the title. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the SOYB contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
346
346
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

It's Christmas, but Angelique's fiance must fight the invaders, leaving her alone and worried for him.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the hope the story offered. The ending was heartwarming.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the narration forward.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the 5 senses. I'd love to know how Christmas smells for Angelique. You don't need a lot, just a stragetic sentence peppered into the narration.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: England 1765
PLACE: Kensington

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Angelique

There's enough here to understand her motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. There's one punctation mistake after "Angelique always made sure the candles0 were snuffed." I had a suggestion for this line as written: The petite maid said with a blushing smile. My suggestion: The petite maid offered a blushing smiles.

Overall, I loved the story and the ambience of romance and hope it captured.

#1 2009 Review signature
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Review of Christmas Girl  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A cute short story of how a man a woman met.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

It's a story we can all relate to. The writing is easy to read.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by the narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

The dialogue moves the story forward.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I would use the five sense, especially scent to draw the reader into the scene.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Male narrator

There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's a bit shy, but gets the encouragement he needs. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Nice character voice.

#1 2009 Review signature
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Review of Candy Store Ghost  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Shunsuke offers a candy to the last customer of the day and gets a surprise.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the ending. A nice hook for the story.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the third person from Shunsuke's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's not much, but what there is adds to the narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Perhaps touch upon smell.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Shunsuke

There's enough here to understand his motivations. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
349
349
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

Tracy has a bad experience with a Ogui board.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I liked the plot. I could totally believe the ogui board had summoned an unwanted spirit.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by Tracy. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There is no dialogue.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Tracy

I could totally feel her fear. The author did a good job bringing out Tracy's emotions. *Thumbsup*

*Star* MECHANICS

I might suggest an edit for punctuation, spelling and grammar.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

Suggestions as mentioned above. I might also space between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Note1* My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.

*Reading* THE STORY

A couple is trying to sell their condo without using a realtor.

*Smile* WHAT I LIKED

I loved the comedic elements of the story. It kept me smiling. People never cease to surprise one.

*Star* POV NARRATION/TENSE

This is told in the first person by the male seller. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.

*Star* DIALOGUE

There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.

*Star* DESCRIPTIONS

There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.

*Star* SETTING

TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting

This is something that is clarified for the reader.

*Star* CHARACTERS

Husband/Wife

The characters are very likable and you can easily sympathize with them.

*Star* MECHANICS

I did not spot any spelling mistakes.

*Star* PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS

I have no real suggestions for improvement, if anything I would have loved to have seen this a little longer. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.

#1 2009 Review signature
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