 Official Judges' Review
Hi Being Diane  -
I had a chance to read your item today as a judge for the "Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold"  , and have enclosed the following review on behalf of "The Talent Pond" for your consideration. Please keep in mind that these comments are only the opinion of one person.
CONCEPT/PREMISE
You did a great job of addressing the prompt. I like the fact that you focused on the day after Valentine's Day, while still providing enough context for the reader to understand how disappointed Sandy was with the actual day. I thought you struck a great balance there and maintained it throughout the story. 
STORYLINE
The story was interesting and compelling. I like the fact that you showed Sandy in different settings (work, home, etc.) and that each of those settings played into her doubts and concerns about Gary. I would have liked to have seen a little more narrative devoted to her causes for concern (i.e. his working late, lack of interest in sexual intimacy, etc.) to help with the character issue described below, but other than that, I think the story works.
CHARACTERIZATION
For me, there needed to be a little more prompting for Sandy's character to assume Gary is having an affair. Based on their vivacious love life (including mentions in the story of them having just made passionate love on the dining room table not a few days prior), it seemed strange that the missing of Valentine's Day would immediately convince her that Gary is having an affair rather than that he had merely forgotten to gotten busy. I think you need to set up that seed of doubt in Sandy's mind a little better so that the reader - along with Sandy - start to suspect something is up.
You could mention the working late, maybe even that he'd been supposedly working so much that he's tired and uninterested in sex when he gets home... or perhaps even her nasty coworker Jana tells her a story about how she's known lots of guys who forgot Valentine's Day because they were too busy having affairs on the side. Whatever the reason, I think there needs to be a little more to Sandy's suspicions. Otherwise, it seems a little silly that they had a wonderful, perfect relationship up until February 12th, then he forgot Valentine's Day on the 14th so she assumes he must be having an affair.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue between Sandy and her coworkers (Jana and Joanne) was effective and worked, but the interaction between Gary and Sandy felt a little forced. There was a lot of dialogue between the two of them while they were having sex, and I think - at times - it felt like the dialogue was a bit of a crutch that prevented the story from really sizzling. There was a tendency to either use dialogue to explain what was going to happen and then avoid the description, or to use the dialogue to explain what was going to happen, then simply describe the exact thing the dialogue just said. For example:
“Sandy, you look so good playing with your pussy. Take my Dick and rub the top of it while you imagine fucking me.”
Sandy took his mushroom tipped Dick and played just with the top of it feeling the ridge that she loved when it stroked her pussy.
In the above exchange, Sandy literally tells him exactly what to do, then you describe Gary doing just what she told him to do, which makes everything feel a little repetitive. I would suggest abbreviating the dialogue so that there's a little more significance to the description. For example, Gary could simply say, "Sandy, you look so good playing with yourself. Now touch me." And then go into the description about what she does to him.
When it comes to dialogue in erotica, I would recommend not spending as much time describing the acts being performed. Dialogue is a great way to communicate emotion and connection, but as far as describing what's actually being done, unless one character is instructing another, I find that it's more effective to let the actions speak for themselves in the description, and then use the dialogue to emphasize the emotion you're trying to convey rather than explain.
STRUCTURE
The story was structured well. I think it was well-paced, and you did a great job of keeping the reader interested in Sandy and concerned about her plight up until the point where Gary shows up. And once he does, you describe and move the erotic encounter along at a good pace. Nice work! 
TECHNICAL
There were quite a few typos and spelling errors in the story, including:
"The day after Valentine's Day and my husband, Gary[,] didn't get me a gift for the day [created] for lovers."
"We had shared [our deepest secrets with each other] and some were a bit naughty."
"I thought of the most unreasonable scenarios. Did he have someone else? Is he [tired] of me?"
"When I drove up, I didn't see Gary's car in the driveway or at his [parents'] house."
"Both of his [parents'] vehicles were there but Gary was not in [sight]."
I also noticed a tendency to switch between third person and first person perspective, which made the reading of the story a little jarring. Overall, I would suggest a thorough proofread/edit to catch all the little technical details. While each one on its own is not necessarily that big a deal, they do tend to add up and the overall effect can result in the story being viewed negatively.
OVERALL
Overall, I think you did a great job of responding to the prompt, but the story feels a little rough. There are quite a few issues, both technical and creative, that need to be ironed out in order for the story to really come together and present a compelling picture of these two people enjoying the day after Valentine's Day. I do think, however, that you're off to a really great start and that with a little rewriting/revision, you could have a really strong story here.
I hope that you've found my comments useful. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your material; keep up the good work and keep writing!
Best regards,
Jeff
Please check out these items:
"Unofficial Erotica Newsletter Group"
"The Dark Society"
"The Book of Jeff"
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I'm happy to send you a review, although poetry really isn't my area of expertise, so I can't speak with much of any authority on the subject. That said, I really enjoyed the poem and thought you did a good job creating an evocative, vivid poem. I could clearly see the imagery you were creating, and I think every stanza builds on the last to give the reader a fuller picture of the themes you're trying to convey.
Judge's Review 
