|Hi Julia Quinn !
This is my review for "Can't Forget : Chapter One" [13+]. Thanks for the review! I wanted to show my thanks by reviewing something of yours!
I think almost anyone can relate to this! It brought back memories of what it was like to be a young adult looking for love and happiness.
I like how the story starts, where it talks about their last kiss, hug, etc. It really made me want to know what happened between them! I really got the sense that the two people belonged together and I wondered how they came to be apart.
(These are suggestions with regard to my understanding of grammar/spelling rules. If I'm mistaken or missing a regional difference in usage, I apologize in advance.)
You seem to not use an apostrophe at all in this (cant instead of can't, Im instead of I'm, etc.). It's a little distracting for a reader.
I met him at a kmart
I believe "kmart" should be capitalized Kmart
7:oo o clock,
You don't need the "oo" if you have o'clock after 7.
There are quite a bit of errors in your story, just typos mostly. I had a teacher tell me that our eyes can skip over typos easily when we read on a computer screen. He suggested printing out writing and reading it from the page, and I've found that helps me. Just a suggestion.
These are just suggestions. Feel free to use them or not.
Your writing is very direct, which can be nice, but it can also create a distance between the story and the writer. Personally, I think the writing here could use a little more description to make the reader really visualize the action. For instance:
I walked into the store, and I was crying.
Instead, you could say something like, "Tears were falling from my eyes as I entered the store," or something like that. It's your story, you can write it however you want! I've found in my reading that when a story is descriptive and visual, it really pulls me in.
Usually when you start dialogue, it should start a new paragraph. When you have back and forth dialogue within a paragraph, it can be hard for a reader to follow.
In your email you said you're a new member (Welcome to the site!! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!) and that you want to become an author. I think one of the best pieces of advice I've heard from published authors is to read a lot. Read the types of writing you're interested in writing to get tips on how you can improve your own work. I think we all have room to grow when it comes to honing our craft (even published writers!), and one of the best ways to do that is to study other writing and to keep practicing ourselves! If we do that, we'll all continue to get better!
3.5 - This is a good solid start! I think you have a good start to pull the reader in and get them interested in your book. Just keep on practicing, reading and writing! You'll have a gem of a piece in no time!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .