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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/starr.r
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484 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of You're Crazy  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, I really liked your opening line.
I noticed a couple things that I can suggest:

When the sun rise
---Suggest:
When the sun rises OR
With the sunrise

It hurt when I'm
--- It hurts

everything I do is to keep me from going mad.
---Loved that line!

I liked how you talked about opposites in every line. Good poem, I liked it, espc. the 1st and last lines.

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2
2
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like a good "dark" poem, and cemeteries as well.
The first stanza is my favorite. I like the idea of
" Haunting beauty" that
"slinks into your mind "

I thought you'd like to know I noticed a small typo:
changine perception
(changing)

Welcome to Writing.com. Hope you like it here.

Cordially,

Starr* R
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3
3
Review of Ashes to Ashes  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nice! It's almost like a extra-long haiku. What I mean is the ode to nature that is part of the best haikus. Very descriptive.

I also liked the way you varied the spacing of the lines. (I like to do that in my poetry, too. But my poetry is awful.)

My favorite lines:
with a second, sashaying flash, the lightning was gone for good
In its wake, the daisy petals fell to ash


Cordially,

Starr* R
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4
4
Review of storm over water  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

Great descriptions in your poem. I liked the way the words gave the sense of a rocking motion, sort of like making the reader feel the rocking of a boat at sea. The intensity of the rhythm of your words made me think of some of A.E. Poe's poems.

I also liked the way you brought "destiny" full circle from the beginning line to the last.

Welcome to W.com. Hope you like it here.

Cordially,

Starr* R
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5
5
Review of Lost  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to W.com! I liked the darkness of your poem. My favorite lines were:

Dreaming and screaming in your brief descrip.

I also liked:
And tell me I was dreaming.
Wake me up
End all the screaming.


IMO, the poem would end stronger without the last line:
And now.. The dream is over.
It detracts from the message of the rest of the poem. In general, though, I liked your poem.

Cordially,

Starr* R
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6
6
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Funnyface, how are ya? I enjoyed reading your poem. Here are the things I noticed:

I liked the internal rhyme of a memory of a penny

I had a bit of trouble with
heart, taught, and depart
because I was trying to get heart & taught to rhyme before I realized that the rhymes were meant for heart and depart. I don't know how to write poetry myself, so this may not even matter. But I thought I'd mention it b/c it didn't read easily in my mind at first.

I think the best part of this is letting the reader see into the characters, which shows the great love between Papa and Jenny. It's one of those "precious moments," to use a cliché. *Smile*

Cordially,

Starr* R
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7
7
Review of Hush  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
In affiliation with Spook-tator Sports Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Feelings, like sheer veils
whispering in time's zephyr

That is simply beautiful.
I also liked: echoes of silence.

I noticed you do something I do, which is to use indentations as part of the poem, e.g.:
once was ...
          but is no more.
(In my case, it's trying to find a way to get the emotions across on the screen.)

There is a quiet feeling to your poem, a feeling of sadness like the end of summer. I enjoyed reading your poem.

Cordially,

Starr* R

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8
8
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You just say you’re sorry
And you won’t come back

Yes, it's so true...people almost always leave. Then, at last, you find "the one" and life is so much better! (It's what happened to me, anyway.)

I liked these lines:
I’m still breathing
But I’m still bleeding.

I saw no errors in spelling or grammar. I wish you all the best with your writing!

Cordially,

Starr* R
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9
9
Review of The Day Lucy Fell  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I can certainly relate to this poem! Instead of reading when I can't sleep, I should try writing more.

I liked the play on words with
to sleep,
Perchance to scream!


and Wide asleep
I almost missed that the first time around! Sneaky. *Smile*

Only two suggestions: First, I think "seplechures" is misspelled, but can't say for sure. Secondly, consider using less exclamation points. Most books I read on writing (and I read a lot) say that overuse of exclamation points should be avoided, for several reasons.

Welcome to W.com! Hope you like it here.

Cordially,
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reminding you to check "Under the Bed at night

All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.
~ Edgar Allan Poe
P.S.
Here are some of my favorite books on writing:

"Self-Editing for Fiction Writers"  

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The Elements of Style (4th Edition)
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The First Five Pages: A Writer's Guide To Staying Out of the Rejection Pile
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You Save: $ 7.21

10
10
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a powerful vignette. I loved the intensity, and the way you made "they're burning her today" stand out. Of course, as soon as I read that, I knew where we were. (I'm originally from Mass.) This part of history has always held fascination for me.

In such a short piece, you really captured the "I" character. What I liked best about his characterization was how you showed us
Instead, they're driving me insane. I've been sitting here, in the bushes near the clearing for hours. Waiting. Thinking.


I could see/feel his tears at the end. Well done.

Cordially,
Starr* R
reminding you to check "Under the Bed at night
11
11
Review of Mexico, Steeped  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
LOL, this is very funny. I loved the alliterative descriptions.
I found this on the Plug Page, where you asked if it made me smile--it certainly did!

I only noticed one error, at the beginning: "Every day" is two words, not one.

I loved
Between five and sixty minutes later...


Well done. Welcome to W.com!

Cordially,
Starr* R
reminding you to check "Under the Bed at night
12
12
Review of New England  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nice! Clear images and I just got a beautiful feeling when I read your poem. (Maybe cuz I moved to Fla. from New England and really miss the colors of Autumn.) I loved that you used both sight and sound in your poem.

Welcome to Writing.com!

Cordially,

Starr* R
proud owner of "The Writer's Café
13
13
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (5.0)

Often even the final plot and theme barely resemble what we originally intended...

This is so true!

it is my opinion that conflict should be considered a particular element all its own and not just subsumed by plot.
An excellent point. I agree.

Make the conflict appealing by revealing, through characterization and narration, what the basis for the struggle actually is.
Very poetic!

You've given some great advice here. I'm taking notes.

I loved the last line of your article! I see no grammar or other errors. Well done, T.S. I'm going to suggest this article for the For Authors newsletter. Maybe they'll like it too. *Smile*

Cordially,

Starr* R
reminding you to check "Under the Bed at night
14
14
Review of Prison  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I carry fear in a plastic bag

Wow, not only a great opening sentence, but a powerful metaphore, as well. That entire opening stanza is quite powerful--took my breath away.

Beyond the bars of regret
Another great line.

The whole "feel" of this poem is of overwhelming regret, yet an undying, undiminished love. Excellent work.

Cordially,
Starr* R
15
15
Review of Loftus Hall  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Whether it is true or not is up to you, but I know a lot of people who still get shivers when they hear the name Loftus Hall.

I liked the old-fashioned flavor of that line. Your descriptions are quite vivid.

Did you know that the line-space is missing between several of the paragraphs? For example:

the shocked audience.
A warble of inhuman frequency
and
high ceiling above.
When the remaining guests

I liked the idea that The hole in the ceiling is apparently still there...
Write on!

Cordially,
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16
16
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great opening sentence! My kid is crazy over zombies. The gang is always meeting at different houses, killing off zombies in different versions of the games! Cracks me up.

Anyway, this was a good concept in the zombie universe. *Smile* One thing I'd suggest you watch out for, though: you have a tendancy for run-on sentences. Run-ons make it harder reading. For example:

Bran needed his flock of humans, without them he'd starve. He'd become fond of these humans, they have been good to him supplying him with a blood doll in return for leaving the rest of them alone. It was a good arrangement, he was given the blood he needed and he protected them from the zombies.

Suggestions:

Bran needed his flock of humans; without them he'd starve. He'd become fond of these humans. They have been good to him[,] supplying him with a blood doll in return for leaving the rest of them alone. It was a good arrangement. He was given the blood he needed and he protected them from the zombies.

Hope this is helpful!

Cordially,
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proud owner of "The Writer's Café

17
17
Review of James Bond  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I loved this line:

Tuxedoed and groomed to a sharp, deadly tee


I almost didn't click on this, because I'm not a 007 fan. But your Brief Descrip drew me in, and I'm glad, cuz this was a "deadly" funny poem. Very nice. I'm recommending this for the "Comedy" newsletter. Maybe they'll like it too!

Cordially,
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18
18
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a sweet story. You have a way with description, such as these nice lines:
Their hands touched several times and little shocks seemed to go through Winnie. It was a new sensation.

Just a note about formatting: each person that speaks should have their own paragraph. For instance:

She had tried putting her dark blonde hair up with combs and he noticed.

"Your hair looks awesome.*Cut*.*Cut*

"Really?"

"Yeah, makes you look like Hillary Duff in that one movie. She is so hot!"


Also, to make your story easier to read online, there should be a double space between each paragraph, too. Example:

Everyone was taking their picture.

As part of the special, Esther shopped with a designer for clothes. Then she was treated to a spa for “The Works”; massage, manicure, pedicure, hair cut, style and coloring. She was told a chest of makeup was hers to take home. They treated Winnie also.

After this transformation, Esther walked elegantly[,] holding her head up and shoulders back.

She sparkled, like the angel at the top of a magnificent Christmas tree. She was more beautiful than any movie star, her eyes dancing with happiness.


Keep up the good work. Write on!

Cordially,

Starr* R
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19
19
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I saw this poem recommended at ""The lady of the Crow""   so I thought I'd take a look.

I only saw one small typo:
The Ravens feathers stay by my grave
* should be
Raven's

My favorite lines were:
In the winter storm
I’m alone with Solitude


I enjoyed reading your dark poem. You are welcome to post your dark works at
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1018197 by Not Available.


Cordially,

Starr* R
20
20
Review of My Trusty iPod  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey there, my fellow dark writer. I saw your post at "Horror Luvrs "R" We the forum and decided to stop by. Glad I did, cuz I enjoyed your story.

I have a couple suggestions; feel free to use the ones you like and ignore the rest.

things Hailey had never seen before and hoped never to see again.
* Here is the dreaded "telling instead of showing." Try describing what Hailey saw; readers want to know this stuff. Reach for concrete images. (Strunk & White, rule #16). Most of your descriptions are vivid, so I'm sure you'll be able to fix this one easily.

Consider using fewer exclamation points. In "Self-editing for Fiction Writers," they say: "Exclamation points should be reserved for moments when a character is physically shouting. When you use them too frequently, you begin to look as if you're trying to infuse your narration with an excitement it lacks. Dialogue & description should convey all the emotion needed. This also makes the author's voice seem more confident."

I loved what you did with the Sirens; the play on words, both literal and metaphoric. Your dialogue is very good. I could almost see those characters talking.

And these are my favorite lines:
She hoped their wings didn't work.
Hailey also hoped that Harry stopped to get her down soon, because the ride up here sucked.

Made me laugh!

Hope this review is helpful.

Cordially,

Starr* R
Two books I keep on my desk:
ASIN: 0205313426
The Elements of Style (4th Edition)
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: $ 11.99
You Save: $ 3.96


ASIN: 0062720465
Self-Editing for Fiction Writers: How to Edit Yourself into Print
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: $ 14.00
21
21
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, this is a beautiful poem. I've submitted it to the WDC Poetry newsletter for consideration. I'm hoping that they'll use it, cuz this poem deserves recognition,and I'm sorry to see that I'm the first to review it.

I thought your imagery and descriptions were very well done. I could see the places you describe quite clearly! I especially liked the last three lines of your poem. I wish you all the best in your writing. I'm putting this on Public Reviews, in hopes of getting more views/reviews for your work.

Cordially,

Starr* R
22
22
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This looks very ambitious! I'm glad you have participation. This sort of contest is not for me, but I saw your post at the Preferred Authors' forum, so I thought I'd come over, check it out, give you some support. Writers have to support each other, after all!

This is very colorful and inviting. The rules are clearly stated, and I like that you gave so much extra info to help everyone get it right when they do things like tags and how to post correctly. I can see you spent a lot of time on this. I hope you get more entrants, and I wish you all the best. Oh! Here's a thought: you are welcome to post this at "Invalid Item.

Cordially,

Starr*R
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor
23
23
Review of Polynesia Kiss  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Reading your poem did make me think of Hawai'i. Though I've never been there, my hubby is Hawaiian & he's often told me about his childhood there.

I loved this line:
I see her sparkling eyes
A mermaid lost in a sea-blue belly dance
Nicely descriptive and far from cliche!

I also liked:

A blossom unfolds in the sudden dawn
At once beautiful and mysterious

The last line of your poem was nicely sentimental. I enjoyed reading this. I wish you lots of success in your writing.

Cordially,

Starr* Rathburn
24
24
Review of The Watcher  
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a nicely dark poem. As I read the last lines, all I could think was
--very chilling! (Suggestion: add "Dark" genre to the Thriller/Suspense listing, and you may get even more views. I always try to use all three, since that means the work will be listed under three different genres.)

Good work, keep writing for the Dark side!

Cordially,

Starr* R
25
25
Review by Starr* Rathburn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Kip, you asked me to re-review this, so here I am! (Better late than never, right?) You asked me to check for grammar mistakes. I saw just a few minor ones:

"The last of the Mohicans."
* capitalize Last

of my life.
I do freely and willing
* should be a line-space between those two.

The colonel jumped from his chair his face flushed.
* The colonel jumped from his chair[,] his face flushed.

"Calm down colonel. I haven't touched her. Be reasonable, sir," releasing him,
* Calm down[,] colonel.

Be reasonable, sir," releasing him
* Be reasonable, sir," I said, releasing him

"Wonderful, William! He said excitedly.
* "Wonderful, William!["] he said excitedly.

* I liked this descriptive line:
I would succumb to the evil passion that tore at my sanity with ravenous claws.

* I also liked this whole paragraph, in the evil portents it shows:
I know the Devil's monstrous pen is quite capable of ...

I thought that your story captured well the old-fashioned flavor of the times. I like your protag & his sweetheart. I liked that she could laugh at her piano teacher glad to miss out on the "God-awful racket."

Well done, my friend!

Cordially,

Starr* R
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