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1,497 Public Reviews Given
1,959 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of Bond's Last Stand  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Odessa Molinari Author IconMail Icon I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
I liked this story about an older James Bond. You gave him a purpose to save himself.


What motivates the main character?
James' isn't so old that he can't defend himself. I liked that he still had some gadgets available. I wondered about him moving. Ms Joy had to put him to bed but he seemed to be able to get out of bed. I would have liked to have that addressed. Was his inability a fake just to get a face rub? (wink)


What conflicts occur
You gave the reader a great piece of action that I loved. He went out in a blaze of glory.


My over all thoughts

I enjoyed reading this piece. I read all of Ian Flemming's books as a teenager, and watched a few of the movies. You kept true to the concept and intention of the story.

My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window.

This is a Journey through the Genres Contest


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27
27
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Bryce Raffle Author Icon This is response to your request for a critique.


Overall Impression

I liked the premise of the story. I love a good ghost story. I loved the series Ghost Whisperer and Sixth Sense. The overall story is intriguing once I got to the bottom of the chapter.

Setting:
I didn't get an overall sense of the era or place at the beginning. The names are old and the references are old 1700-1800 England. Because most people are going to go that route, I'd suggest you give the reader a firm setting at the beginning. Show an object in the room or something that sets the time and place. Even if it's something like She struck the flint to light the candle.
It isn't until the end that we get there are horse and carts in Trafalgar Sq, England. Little clues inserted before helps the reader get a sense of the setting, not just bodies moving around on a blank screen.


Plot:
I like that you give the situation in the beginning. Not like Sixth Sense where we have to go through the movie wondering what was going on. You tell the reader up front this is going to be about solving a murder. Who the subject is and how the MC finds out about it.
I didn't get Evelyn's motivation. Why does she talk to dead people? I sighed. I was going to be late for work again.
With a wayward glance back at Pickwick’s break fast, I set off after the ghost. Why? here is a good place to insert a little thought. Instead of saying she couldn't scream at every ghost. How about something about her past experiences? Standing at the top of the stairs we stared at each other and and I sighed. There had been other's like her. I'd seen them since I was a child. they no longer scared me, but their appearance often surprised me. This wasn't the normal ghostly apparition but stood there in a full form. Then describe her appearance.



Characters:

I like Evelyn. She seems a woman with a purpose. Then you gave me a and odd reaction. She sobbed. This isn't the reaction I would attribute to Evelyn. She seemed to have a stronger constitution and this put me off. Having compassion is not the same as crying. After looking up and down the street where no one took notice of the girl I looked at her again. She was indeed a ghost. She didn't move when I approached the curb. Her eyes locked with mine and I felt her need. The one that called me to her. "What do you want? What happened to you?" I knew she couldn't talk, but I thought maybe we could converse in telepathy. I'd never done it before but it could be a first. You wrote Evelyn didn't expect an answer. Then why did she ask the question? Without any hand motion she turned her body and moved away. I looked at the sidewalk that now filled with the morning commuters. I had to get to work. She stood in the middle of the road. Her look of impatience moved me to turn and follow her. Cars and pedestrians passed through her and she didn't register their journey. then add the journey through the market. Here again I wasn't sure of the era. There are markets in places today, at this point of the story.

We have two characters and since this is the beginning chapter we don't need to know everything about them. I would leave all the back story with Mr. Pickwick until later since this is a dream sequence. In dreams the action moves the dream. I do go off on tangents in a dream but not like that. I'm a writer and details can distract me. I rarely get back on the same tract until the next night.
Here's another thing to think about. Who is your audience? Women I'm guessing for the most part. Then they want to know what she's wearing. Below I give a suggestion of where to start. If you do that, then when she's in her room, have her dress in what women would wear.
From my wardrobe I took my black work dress from its hook and gave it a good shake, hoping the wrinkles from its hanging overnight disappeared. Once on I button the front to the small white collar and tie the ribbon around the neck arranging the tails to lay flat, still showing under the collar points. The mirror reflected my brown hair pulled to a knot at the nape of my neck, the body of a (insert age) woman with a trim waist and slim hips hidden beneath the folds of the skirt. Giving a shake of my shoulders, lifting my chin and spinning on the heels of my boots, I headed to the stairs and the break fast I could smell wafting to my room. This is just a suggestion of how to show the reader who Evelyn is. A strong woman, not afraid of her dreams and still a bit unsure of the life ahead. She seems to want to face it head on.

Suggestions:
What I didn't care for was the detail in the dream sequence then having to do the same thing all over.
My suggestion is to start with her waking. Then having a bit of trouble remembering exact details of the dreams. Something about monkeys. She struggles to recreate that part as she dresses, looking into the mirror combing her hair, she might remember the girl's hair, her mouth sewn shut. She bares her teeth at the mirror. I'm glad my lips aren't sewn. When she goes down stairs she greets Mr. Pickwick. You don't need to explain their relationship at this time. other than to mention he is her surrogate father figure. I'd also wait until later to talk about the photo.

Then as she has the conversation with Mr. P she gets a sense of impatience. Thinking about the girl in the dream she steps onto the porch and there she is, just as she was in the dream. Then she follows her to the museum. When she sees the monkey in the palm the rest of the dream floods into her mind. She might reel from the memory and the details flood her mind. Now what? The dream gave no clues as to what happened. My question to you is why did she have a dream that gives no details but she sees a ghost. Suggestion. Leave the monkey out of the dream since there isn't any connection to the murder. If you want to have a clue in the dream give it an obscure place. See a hand putting it there. See her hand grasping it from someone or something that lends to the fact it's important to WHAT?
Here is where you can leave the reader with a hook to turn the page. She might remember there were two other monkeys. Where are they? What do the monkeys have to do with a dead girl? (turn the page to find out)

This way the reader isn't back tracking. The flow pulls the reader to follow the ghost to find what happened to her. The reader is on the same journey as Evelyn.

So remember when you do any rewriting. She gets a call to action (from her dream) She is curious. Then sees the object of her dream on the street the same as the dream. She might ignore it at first (from the top step) Refuse the call. Now is where to tell the reader her motivation. Why does she follow the girl? She Answers the call. She sees the scene and the clue of the monkey.

In conclusion:

I'm anxious to read on. I want to know how Evelyn interacts with the ghost and how you will present the clues of what happened to her. I hope I've given you something to look at as you move forward with this captivating story.

A super power image


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28
28
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.

what was the goal if the main character?
A wife has decided her husband needs a hair cut. She has cut his hair before and he seems comfortable with her ability.

What motivates the main character?
She doesn’t like his long hair and insists it’s causing him to sweat.

What conflicts occur First he doesn’t think he needs one. There is a difference in opinion and they have a discussion about it.
In the process her ability is in question. The result is a disappearance of an important piece.
When the inquisitive cat become involved it’s a disaster.

My over all thoughts
I liked the story. The fact the husband is totally unaware is too much of a stretch for me. I liked the way the story unfolds and it flows smoothly to the end




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29
Review of Seasons  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello cheryl losch Author IconMail Icon I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.




what was the goal if the main character?
The different seasons met to discuss their different times to cover the world.
You point out the obvious and it was easy to understand their particular expertise


What motivates the main character?
Each season voices their desire for more time. What I didn't get was a different voice or character development for each character.

What conflicts occur
YOu have lots of conflicts that occur in each season. Then Mother Nature shows up and voices her opinion and leaves. She seems all knowing.

My over all thoughts
I didn't get where the COMEDY came in. I missed what was funny about their decisions or conflicts. While I enjoyed the story I didn't smile or laugh.



Submitted for *GOOD DEEDS GET CASH*


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30
30
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.


what was the goal if the main character?
A couple meet and fall in love. You give the step by step movement for this young couple. We could follow their growing attraction as it formulates

What motivates the main character?
While at first it's the job that brought them together, you showed how they grew to respect each other and move to the goal of planting trees. It itsself is a motivating factor.

What conflicts occur
Everything is going smooth until the morning after, then it all falls apart. When the male opens his mouth, he put his foot in it and can't get it out no matter what he does to try and explain his choice of words.

My over all thoughts
I thought this was very funny. You followed the COMEDY prompt and my smile grew as he tried to get himself out of trouble. He pulled it off in the end. Great job.



My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window.



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31
31
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello {user: } I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
We see two bumbling thieves trying to steal valuables from a mansion. You do a good job with setting up the goal. WE don't have any trouble figuring out what is probably going to happen.


What motivates the main character?
You also give a great job of telling the reader what Mort wants to do once he gets the money for what he steals. You give the reader a sense that this guy is basically a good hearted guy, but he doesn't have much morality.

What conflicts occur
YOu give one conflict after the other. You do a good job describing the conflicts so they are easy to follow.

My over all thoughts
While I liked the story, I thought the genre was wrong. It was more in the horror, scary, paranormal genre than COMEDY. I didn't get it as funny. I really liked what happened in the respect they got what they deserved.


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32
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Mastiff Author IconMail Icon I am a judge for Journey Thru the Genres.



what was the goal if the main character?
SimpMost kids at some point or other make money at working at a burger joint. Its the goal to not just make money but learn to work as a team and the process of how business runs. I don't think this guy got the point.

What motivates the main character?
Although he was older he hadn't learned anything in the process. I don't think he came to the job with the right attitude and I'm sure whomever hired him wished he/she hadn't.

What conflicts occur
The MC had a bad attitude but his supervisor was an idiot of far worse attitude. The man had an ego problem that it seemed this employee or any employee could dent. While I understand the conflict, the resulting action went too far.

My over all thoughts
I thought this story was well written. It had a beginning, middle and end. There was a form of justice in the main character's eyes, but to me it wasn't comedy. It was more in the drama genre. I don't think ruining everyone's night and shutting down the joint is comedy.


My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window.

33
33
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Maryann Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I love a good fairy tale and story. I went through your port and found a story not a poem.

Setting:

This is a fairy tale set in a fairy tale land. This mythical land is in the heart of every reader and varies as to the age of the reader. By leaving the setting without detail the reader makes up their own land. The clues after the first few paragraphs lead the reader to realize the time is in the present not in a mythical time in a long ago era.

Plot:

Jealousy is the the heart of the story. We see the green monster is alive and well in the stepmother's heart. Bad deeds do not overcome the pure of heart.
We see the evil stepmother's ill will against her stepdaughter grows until the poor girl becomes a victim.
You have set the story in the present using ingenious products to emulate the items used in the original story. I had to smile. I immediately thought of the poor grandma yelling GOOGOO at the item hoping for an answer.
The climax and end were cleverly written and came to a satisfying conclusion.



Suggestions:
I have only one suggestion and that is to take a few moments and add more to this story. I know it was written for the GoT this is such a great story, I would love to see it expanded with more up to date details that parallel the original.


In conclusion:

I loved the story! It unfolded and held my interest. It's one I'd read to a grandchild if I had one, just to see if they recognize it.


A super power image


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34
34
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Bubblegum Jones Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

The story is fascinating. I love to read and watch paranormal events. I have my own ideas about what is happening. I'm not sure if my beliefs would or could change the outcome, but I wonder why they happen to some and not to others.
Your story, if written as a story would be quite interesting.

Setting:

I'm not sure if this location is in the Carolina's or more inland. You did a good job of setting up the background. The picture of the properties their location is well defined. It made it easier to follow the actions throughout the story.

Plot:

This story is fascinating. It was hard to follow at times due to the format and amount of backstory interspersed as you told it.
I loved reading it. I honestly think reworking it into a real story instead of you telling it would be a winner.

Characters:

Since this story is a non-fiction and you are personally involved it helps the reader to know more about you. I think I know your gender. Your characters in the story are real people who lived on the land in the past. Your telling of their relationship to the land, the house and now to the present owners makes this a tale worth repeating.

Suggestions:

I would like to rework this tale into a proper story. One that has your personal thoughts mixed in only as a character. One that tells the backstory then leads into what your daughter is experiencing today. It would make a sellable piece. I'd love to help you rewrite it.

In conclusion:

I found this story interesting. I'm a bit distanced from it as I don't believe ghosts are spirits of dead people. That's for another time. However the fact that it's happening cannot be discounted. I do believe the story to be a true account.

A super power image


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35
35
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Bubblegum Jones Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
This was a set of three short stories based on two characters, Little Henry and Stinky. I thought the stories had moments of cuteness. There were one liners that made me smile and some that made me wince. (In a good way) They are well thought out stories.

*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
In each of the stories, Henry has a problem and Stinky seems to be the wiser of the two helps him solve or at least understand his thought process

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
Little Henry works at a Widget factory. His escapades and processes confound and amuse his co-worker(s) I'm not sure that's his intent but it is the writer's.

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
The stories are full of conflict. Some self-imposed and others are at his expense. The writer uses this format to give the readers a glimpse into the dry humor we all enjoy reading or hearing.
There were moments I could almost intone the story to tell it aloud.

*Quill* Resolution:
There isn't any. This is an on going piece to delight the reader. I'm sure this isn't the intent, but I could see this printed in a booklet form and sold to restaurants and put in my bathroom.

*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
We see a lot of Little Henry develop in his comments and thought processes. Poor Stinky is relegated to the straight man role. You need both to have relatable characters. They have developed even though we can't see them. They are just names that speak. Talking heads.


*Quill* What do I think needs work:
There are only a couple of things I think you might address. One is format. I had a hard time tracking the dialogue when it's run all in one paragraph.
Each person gets their own line when they speak. This makes following the story easier. I had to back track a few times to keep track of who said what.
The other thing is developing Little Henry and Stinky. You may have described them in the first or second book, but since these are stand alone stories, you should include more of their looks. You did a great job describing Little Henry with his long, dyed hair. This could extend to Stinky so we get a good picture in our mind of these two and their world.


My PDG Skeeter Sig


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36
36
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Xarthin Author IconMail Icon

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
The concept and execution resounded and I all but did a fist pump at the end. The story is timely with a definite nod to what real life is about. Having the unfortunate duty of trying to teach that concept to someone on the spectrum cusp I understand the frustration completely. NOTE: You'll have no trouble submitting to the SHOW NOT TELL contest


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
A teacher of old school ethics is forced to teach his students according to a new directive. He sees the need to impose the lesson in a way that will not only teach his students about life, but cause a conflict with administration.

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
Mr. Pinkerton loves to teach. He understands his students. He motivates them using psychology rather than lectures and rules. He knows those lessons will stay with his students over memorized rules. You show this in the way he maneuvers Miss Steiner to use her abilities as a leader in his class.

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
None until the end. the motivation of this story is subtle. It isn't about conflicts in the classroom, it's about the result of his lesson that will cause the conflict to occur. It's what makes this story so interesting. To me it's an example well defined. Kudos

*Quill* Resolution:
Result accomplished. Prof. Pinkerton relaxes with the confidence he has achieved his goal, a minor resistance brought on to confront the administrator.

*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
I feel they do. Professor P's character is well defined by his actions and words. There is no doubt he's educated. Far more than this poor public school flunky. I know no Latin except what I heard in Dead Poets Society. *Bigsmile*
Stuk and the Miss Steiner both grow as supporting characters in this story. I would have liked a bit more conversation with him and the Prof at the end. Just my thought,


*Quill* What do I think needs work:
Nothing literary. a few minor edits if you read it again you'll see them. Nothing I'd worry about unless you want to publish it, or submit it for a contest.


My PDG Skeeter Sig


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37
37
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ezekiel Stephens Author IconMail Icon )
I just finished reading your post.

Overall Review: The premise of this peice is an amazing idea. I loved the subtle reference to the present mode of communication. The transitioning to what it could be and is. Instagram came to my mind.

What is the goal or purpose? I'm not sure this came through. It started as a story then morphed into a article on Audio-visual Comm.

Is there a motivation? The same applies to the goal. There wasn't a motivation established. If this were just an article based on the "What if AV-Com became? or "Look what AV-Comm is becoming." The goal would be to warn. The motivation would be to inform.

What are the conflicts? There aren't any. In a story, one needs all of the above to become an actual story.

What I Liked: I did the exact thing described and posted it as my profile on FaceBook. What I liked was the possible story behind the technical insert. My mind went to what the Main Character job might be. Why was he monitoring the feed? I thought about the TV series Person of Interest and this could be something along side that thought.


What Needs Work:
If this is a story the goal of the main character needs to be established and following that what is motivating him/plot to move toward the end of the story. What drives readers to continue are the conflicts you insert to derail the goal.
You can certainly add all that side note information on Audio-Visual Communication into the story as it moves forward.
I had so many thoughts and ideas from your story. Sci-fy stories of possible scenes. I hope you rework this into an exciting story.


Power raid sig


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38
38
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I love reading Mary Shelley. After reading two of your posts on her, I find them interesting in content. You have the facts, but the layout/format of the piece is difficult to follow and leaves the reader feeling like this is a lecture.

*BulletO* Adding paragraphs and breaking up the thoughts a bit more will keep the reader interested.

*BulletO* When a reader sees a page full of text, closely spaced with run on sentences it isn't as appealing and may put off the casual reader.

*BulletO* Right in the middle of a paragraph you do punch it up with a bold question. What if it read more like this?

The circle of driven writers, included Percy Shelley,Coleridge,Lord Byron,Leigh Hunt Thomas love Peacock,John Keats. Mary wasn't alone in producing volumes of novels and a few poems. It was her incredible story of Frankenstein which marked her name in the history of literature forever.At the time she wrote this novel, she was still Mary Godwin, not the Mary Shelley we've come to love.

I'm sorry for rewriting your paragraph. Do you see the difference in how the same information is presented in a manner that a reader identifies with and not as fact on a page? As if you the writer are talking to the reader and trying to influence them to read her work or look at more of her writings by knowing her background. There is a lot more to the story than the brief bit you wrote. Way more that would interest a reader to know more about Mary, who she was and what drove her to write Frankenstein.

*BulletO* All in all I'd love to see the information arranged or grouped by time. First her upbringing. More detail or perception and less "Here are the facts ma'am."

We must infer that Mary loved her father and loved working in his book store. She must have read many of the novels of the day and he would have encouraged her to create stories more interesting than what she read. I'm sure her father loved them all. (Was he alive when she published? Did he help her publish? Did he read Frankenstein? These are observations you can add to incite your reader to imagine her life as a young girl.
This is just my thoughts.


Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon


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39
Review of Game Models  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear jeffhan

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The concept you have written is intriguing. I'm of an age that's past this type of gaming, but I can see where the younger generation would find it fascinating. Especially if the world didn't have what we have today. I think you love the game idea and wanted to write it so others would like it too. I think you might give the reader the game experience.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The POV comes from the author or writer. This person is a gamer and is looking to write a term paper. He describes the "game" in detail.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? This character likes playing interactive computer games. He sees what people enjoy doing and comes up with a "Game of Life" as I see it. He's motivated to get a good grade on this paper.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? There were none. This piece is just a press release on a fictional game description. Your conflicts are what happens when a person becomes so immersed in the "game" they don't choose to Live Life. What happens if you spent more money and can't buy groceries? In this game does everything come out even? The quest to buy groceries. What if you have a recipe and the item you need isn't available? All games have to have conflicts or challenges. You didn't express those. It seemed to easy.

*Pencil* Resolution: The guy must have received a good grade as his professor liked the concept.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No. We don't connect with the main character. He's distant and uninvolved. I'd like to know more about his thoughts. That's why I suggested the scenario below.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
This isn't a story. It's an advertisement for a game or a prospectus for a game. My suggestion would be to write about playing the game not telling the reader about what it does.What challenges did the writer have while writing it? Unless you have a word count limit, this needs more work.
Is it a virtual game? Do you put on a headset and live the game? I find that playing a game like this when you don't do it in the real life is hypocritical. Here is the conflict you didn't have. How about the point where he has to DEFEND his paper. I didn't go to college so I have heard that when you write a thesis you have to defend it in front of a panel or a teacher. Write that. He walks in and they begin to question him on all the things you describe. Why is this a good game? What will it bring to society? What if people live in this culture but never do it in real life? They live in squalor, because in this world you don't really do it.
This piece reads as if you are casually telling your idea out loud. There is and over use of the "to be." (was, had, there, were, etc) Try to use them as little as possible.
You keep the reader at a distance. There isn't any connection to the reader or a reason for them to read it. What are you offering them? It's an idea. You aren't persuading them to buy it or play it. You are TELLING not showing.



from Hanna


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40
40
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear DauntlessDruid Author IconMail Icon

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read the tag that said psychic. I had to find out what happened. I love where the story is going. I like Mallory and Lara. I feel this could become a good story. I can't judge since this is the beginning. My review will be about what I read in this small section.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I don't know who your main character is yet. I think it maybe Lara, but since you started out with Mallory, I thought it was going to be her. I think Mallory is a teaser.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Let's just say Lara is the MC in the story. She might have more reason to insinuate herself into the story and move it forward. She has no motive other than she's been asked. This issue needs to be address. What is her backstory that will connect with the reader so they want her to take on the case and find the truth?
I had a detective what was flat. He was a body going through the motions. It took me number of times but I finally created a character with a fault the reader could connect with and his actions followed that fault.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? This is good! You created a cynical cop that isn't above bending the rules to fit his needs. I liked that. They don't believe Mallory and she's reached out to help and is rebuffed.
We have a mom asking for help. You gave Lana a plausible reason to be cautious about working on a case she didn't feel qualified to take on. I didn't like that you ended that segment with a question and no answer. It had to be Zeke.


*Pencil* Resolution: N/A

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? It's a start. I think they need a little more developing but this is the beginning and that can be added as the case goes on.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I understand what you are trying to do in this piece. You want to introduce the problem and the characters. I feel that you threw too much at the reader in the beginning. Most readers want the problem. Then a bit more of the problem, then introduce the characters that will be the solution to the problem or villains that will try to impede the case.
I loved that you started with Mallory. I feel you should milk this interview out for a whole chapter, even if it's a short one. You gave one set of interviews yet you TOLD the reader she'd told the story a number of time. Do it.
Have untrained rookies ask her questions. They think they're smart and since the other cops don't want to be bothered she has to talk to lets say 3 cops. Each time she tells them something new. Just a detail the other cops didn't hear. That reveals more to the reader. Since no one really wants to talk to her they don't all write down all she says. She knows that because when she talks to Zeke and Chris, they ask her questions she's already answered. Zeke looks at the notes and there isn't much there. He starts to ask more detailed questions because he has a curiosity about people with ESP. He's not sure he believes they have abilities, but there is some proof they have helped before. Chris, his partner with more years in the service, shuts him down.
Note. If you're going to wipe her visit off the log, she can't talk to more than 1 or 2 cops. That would be too many lies to keep quiet. That would be a blackmail point against Chris. He wouldn't want that hanging over his head.

I suggest you don't jump into the visit with Mrs. R that quick. You need a transition between Mallory and Mrs. R. Introduce Lana. She enters her office. Does she drink coffee? If so then what kind of machine does she have. Is she and espresso drinker that loves good coffee? She might have a commercial one left by the previous owner of the office space. She cleaned it up and it makes a carafe that only lasts her through the morning. Does she have an assistant? Maybe she can only afford the daughter of one of the neighboring tenants that stopped and asked for work. She cleans and types letter and such. She's going to law college and this was good practice for her. Lana is going to be on her own in the fall.
there's a knock on the door and Lana hollers out for (?) to get it but no answer. She looks at her clock and its noon. The girl is gone so she has to answer it. The woman stands there with a card, hers. She tells Lana she needs help. Their conversation can last the whole chapter. It sets up Lana's character, the restates the problem which we read about in chapter 1 and Lana's resistance for taking the case.
After Mrs. R leaves she calls Zeke and they meet. She NEEDS to tell him her fears about taking on this case. Zeke needs to tell her why he gave Mrs. R her card and why he thinks she's just the person to do so. When he tells her about Mallory, WHAT IS LANA'S REACTION? This has to have a connection. Lana has to have something in her background that is either sympathetic to psychics or have a healthy respect for them that Zeke knows about. Otherwise why did Zeke give Mrs. R the card? who cares?

When you post more can you let me know so I can read it. I want to know what happens.
Terry Reid wrote a number of books about a woman detective who could see the dead and they asked for help to find their killers. The first books were fun to read after 8 I didn't like where her character grew to. I quit reading them.
from Hanna


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Review of On Giving Reviews  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear concrete_angel

*Pencil* What I liked about the article: I wanted to see how you approached the touchy topic of reviewing. I found it interesting. Even the part you acknowledge someone might scroll down. All in all you did a good job.

*Pencil* What is the goal? This article was written to give others on this site a run down of how to review. Reviewing is the platform of this site. You can post all the stories you want, but if no on reads them and tell you if they were any good, what's the point? You can leave them in your own computer file on your desk.

*Pencil* What motivates this writer of this article? Like most of us, it's the desire to help others grow as writers and to enhance the experience of using this site and format.

*Pencil* Resolution: This is a informative and easy to understand article. I'd be proud to point others to read it.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
There is only one point I didn't see, and it may have been subtly inferred. The biggest issue with new reviewers is the tendency to review how the reader FEELS about a post.
Reviewing has nothing to do with your personal belief, creed or persuasion. You may mention that the piece you read provoked an emotion. That's it. Not whether it made you mad, or caused you grief or even offended you. You, the reviewer must keep you personal opinion of what the purpose of the piece is about to your self. Do not use the review to debate what you read. Post your own article defending your idea on your own page.
You can choose not to review a piece that falls in this category. You don't HAVE to put your two bits in and make an argument for or against what you read. This is not the time or place for that.
This is where I failed when I first started on Wdc. I reviewed moral issue with my review. I was told to kindly keep my personal thoughts to myself and here is the link to the class on reviewing. *Bigsmile* I took the class and practiced to be a better reviewer.
This is an article worth posting on the news feed now and then.

from Hanna


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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Soldier_Mike Author IconMail Icon

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Over all it's a great feel good story. There is an opening, middle and a "nice" tie up at the end. I love these type of stories because they inspire me to press on, to keep going toward my goal even when I don't feel I'm doing it "right." It's purpose is to inspire.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The goal is twofold. We see the speaker telling a story. His purpose is to encourage people to change, or take a chance when given a second chance. You accomplished this general purpose.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? It becomes evident at the end that there is a higher motive to telling this story. It's telling is the purpose and motivation.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The poor man is ordinary. Most of us, especially writers, feel this way. It's why we write. Take those inner inhibitions and inspire others with our ability to move the reader. Here the young man comes face to face with possible death. The act caused a reaction. To some it might cause them to withdrawn even more. Mike chose a different path. Not one of aggression to which it would be perfectly normal to extend his military commitment and become a killer or even a more aggressive trainer. Instead the conflict itself worked on his motivation and changed his goal.

*Pencil* Resolution: We have a great ending that leaves everyone including the audience with a thought provoking question as to how will they/us proceed with our lives.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? You do a good job introducing the character, Mike. He comes across as a real person. The change he chooses to make is real and relatable.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Now comes the hard part. The story is sweet, and easy to read. BUT, it lacks emotion. I don't feel anything but ordinary and then he makes a choice and AWWW! Is that what you want? If so don't continue reading.


If you want to insert emotion you will need to add words that evoke feeling. Mike is ordinary, so ordinary we don't have a feeling for him. Then you insert the speaker's observation of the audience as if that will garner emotion. I'd take them out. Your audience is the reader. You are speaking to the reader as the audience. Revealing there is a congregation at the end lends to the persuasion of his speech.

The beginning is the set up and fine. But You are telling the reader he's ordinary. How does he feel about that? He drifts along, but is he really happy? You say he joined the Army with a vague notion of making a mark. Here is a spot to show emotion. How did he think he was going to make a mark? He was ordinary, He didn't ruffle the water he's emotionless.
This young man graduated. The life before him seemed more of the same. His friends talked about college, but it seemed more of what he'd been through. He wanted something different. Something with a challenge. An idea came to him. Military, that was exciting. You got to travel to far away places. The training was like going to college and still, you could DO something not float through life. He joined. Boot camp had him second guessing his choice. Add something humorous. Do you see that maybe the reader can connect with Mike on a more personal level? Most speakers add humor to a speech.
What was his specialized training? My first question as I read. Will any of it help in the coming situation?
Then he has an encounter. Let's look at that. You give the setting. Most everyone knows where he is and you can leave those details in if you want. Emotion: What does he think about the crowd? Given his training? Does it ever cross his mind this is a perfect set up for pickpockets? I'm sure he's been warned about them. How about muggers? He never had any thoughts about the possibility? Then the unthinkable happens. a man (describe him and his reaction to him)
Mike tried to maneuver his bike through the crowd and around a man standing in front of him. Before he could pass the man grabbed the handlebar not allowing Mike to pass him. Mike looked into the man's hard eyes. This wasn't a tourist. This was a confrontation. His heart sped up, pounding in his chest. "Get off the bike." The man growled and shook the bike, almost knocking Mike over. Mike gripped the handles in his sweating palms, (insert what he says back to the man) The man now puts one hand into his jacket pocket and pulls the jacket so that whatever is in the pocket is now pointing at Mike. Do you see how adding emotion, action and dialogue pulls the reader further into the moment. You want your reader to feel the tense fear Mike is feeling. If you don't then his reaction to the situation is HOHUM.
Mike determines he's not ordinary. He's not giving up his bike. What does his training tell him? He could knock the man down in a minute with his bike, but then...there's what's in the pocket and that might hurt others in the crowd. Sweat beads his upper lip and he doesn't take his eyes off the man's. He can see whatever is in the pocket being jerked in his direction. Is this going to be the end of his life? What had he done to make his mark? These thoughts jumbled with instructions from his boot camp trainer. His steadfast refusal to give and show fear, caused the man to back down and slip into the crowd and disappear.
Mike shivered realizing he may have dodged the bullet. His body still in a high Adrenalin reaction, spurred him to pedal back to the barracks as fast as he could.
I hope this helps as you go forward. Adding Emotion even if it's small words inserted will bring this to a much more anticipated ending. One that inspires the reveal to the reader who Mike is and to the audience the reader didn't know about. (Other than maybe at the beginning show how he grips the podium as he lays his notes on it)

I hope this was what you were asking for.


from Hanna


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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I just read this, maybe for the first time? Then again I've been here a while and I may have read it years ago.
Even though Sticktalker Author IconMail Icon has passed, the words he penned are still relevant today. They are as fresh to a new writer and reviewer as ever words can be.
I thank The StoryMistress Author IconMail Icon /The StoryMaster Author IconMail Icon for keeping this posted and linking it for new, and old, reviewers to read and renew what they think they may already know.
Wise words should never be hidden, they can live on in the hearts and minds of all writers.
Editing


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Review of The Ad  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear William Stafford Author IconMail Icon

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The prompt hooked me. I like the beginning and your voice. I pictured the bartender looking like the cool picture on your bio.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I know this is just a brief throw down of a thought and into to a possible story or is this going to be a novel? That will determine how much information you put at the beginning. What is his goal? What reason did he have for going?
You TELL the reader his background. What if you start with the phone call right off as he's looking at the ad. Then ask. Did you put in this ad (read it to them) they interrupt Yea Yea. They ask him questions. 1) Who is he? 2) Does he work for any law reinforcement? 3) Does he have his own weapons? 4) can he meet them atxxx? This let's your character tell them he does odd jobs and needs money and WHY he answered the ad. They want to prequalify him a little more and inform the reader what you have in your head.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here is another part to introduce into the conversation at the bar. They have to tell him something about the "job" or what he's going to be compensated for going. You need to have a WHY? Why did he go when he didn't really have the extra money for the Uber? Why did he wait when this seemed to be the wrong place. He can think these things as he sips the beer and the reader finds out a little about him. Is he nervous? Inpatient? ready to give up at the drop of a hat or when things aren't right in front of him? These are things you will know if you fill out a character sheet on him and his "partners"

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Now the first conflict we see is his lack of money. Then no one seems to be there to meet him. Then his lack of weapon. All a very good start! What I didn't get is What is this choice going to cost him? What is at stake if he goes or doesn't? You will need to decide what your character is going to choose? In Star Wars, Luke's uncle and aunt are killed and he has no place to live. That's pretty awful. Then we have Bilbo Baggins. He loves his home and has no reason to leave it. WHY does he and what is at stake for him? You will need to make that known to the reader. Then add the conflicts they encounter throughout the story.

*Pencil* Resolution: I know this is the beginning, but while they are talking, it seems the bar is empty, it's just them and the bartender who is watching TV. They will need to tell him what they want out of this trip and why they need him. What will he get if he goes? at then end he gets a piece of the treasure? OR will he find where a treasure is hidden and come back in time to dig it up? Like the curse of oak Island.. Could he go back and find out who went there and where they may have hidden a stash? (note: if you went with this idea, I have a great side story you could add that would be so cool)

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? This was too short to develop but I loved your main character. I grinned at the humor you have the MC and bartender. The setting and their dialogue is good. You definitely have a good handle on that. I'd like to know how you're going to change him over the course of this story. 1)What is his strength at the beginning and will it change at the end? 2)What will he learn by this he can use in the future? Will it change his desires? Will greed enter into his personality and change him or will he be able to fight that? This is something you can hint at the beginning. What is he like now and over the course of the story that will have to change. Well not completely. But the conflict will have to say give him an opportunity to change and he may choose not to. To remain constant in his moral compass. In my soon to be published novel, I have a man who is a Detective, good at his job but hates Organized Crime. (because they were responsible for the death of his partner, wife and child) In the end he still hates OC but he's moved on with his life. So you can change other ways.


*Pencil* Over all thoughts: I think you have a great start to a story, but there isn't a lot of information in this snippet. It leaves me with a ton of questions and wanting more, as you see above.


from Hanna


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Review of The Search  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear PastorJuan Author IconMail Icon

*Pencil* What I liked about the poem: I read a review of this poem and it drew me to read it myself. I don't normally read or review poetry, this one I understood.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This story is a dream of what might happen, given the Biblical revelations. You gave an example of the end depending on the path taken.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? It would seem that this brief look into hell reveals a motivation to change ones ways as to avoid ending in such a place.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? My assumption was, there are pastors that preach the truth even when it's not popular or liked. That sometimes it's a hard lesson to teach. That this would be the result when one cares only for the money, power, prestige that is received when the sermons are only about the goodness.

*Pencil* Resolution: There is a judgment coming. There will be consequences for those who don't preach the truth along with the blessings. When you only give and get the loaves and fishes, there will be a time of reckoning.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing. I actually understood the poem which for me is unusual. good job.


from Hanna


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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, sindbad Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I rolled the die and found this. I almost didn't read it as the format is like a poem and I don't review poems. The title intrigued me and I thought I'd take a chance and see if I understood the poem. It wasn't a poem but a parable.

Setting:

I'm not sure of the setting. My guess is a bygone era in a foreign land not at all like mine. At least not in my circle.

Plot:

Once I started the story it hooked me. A man with four wives, what would he do with them? The story started with what each meant to him and how he treated them differently. It ended with the moral meaning behind each of the wives reactions to his impending death. I found the story to be a good analogy and truthful.

Characters:

Each wife represented a characteristic. The husband represented what the word HUSBAND should mean. The caregiver, the nurturer and planter. He didn't do what he was supposed to. He failed in his husbandly duty and reaped the rewards.

Suggestions:

My only suggestion is the first wife at the end. You tell the reader the husband was greatly grieved, but not why. You might rework this and add that because she was so malnourished, she couldn't serve him. She wouldn't take the place of the beauty of the 4th wife or provide him with the monetary gifts of the third wife, or the physical comfort of number 2. This would explain the story to someone who didn't understand. Even at the end when you tell why it didn't explain the reactions earlier. Don't assume anything in a story like this. The moral representation of the story needs to match the components of the story.

In conclusion:

While the suggestions are just to fill out the story and make it so even the unchurched understand the meaning, those of us who have a faith and "get it" will love your story.

A super power image


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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

How about chance, I got this on the die roll. You hooked me good. I didn't have a lot of time to read and review but took a chance. I didn't stop till the end. I followed the story much like one of the characters. No clue of the twist or pun at the end. Great job. I chuckled out loud and reread the end just to make sure.

Setting:

I love a good western. I loved you wove a bit of history into the story to make the setting more familiar. The cost of feed and board gave a lend to the era so I knew it wasn't 2019.

Plot:

The traveling judge and a seemingly open and shut murder case. I read on just to see what the case would be about. You gave it a full measure and a ending that was satisfactory.

Characters:

Who woudn't love the judge, or Zeb? you gave him the right amount of sensitivity. A love of the area and his horse. Always a good combination. The Sheriff had good reason to ask for help. He didn't want to falsely accuse the cute little miss everyone loved of murder.

Suggestions:

There isn't anything I'd change. You have a knack of storytelling that makes everyone read to the end.

In conclusion:

I love the history you included and the ending. It wasn't anything like I'd have expected. My mind wandered all over the place with possibilities. I have to say your's was the best.

A super power image


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Review of Fire  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
HelloJacky Author IconMail Icon
I just finished reading your posting

Overall Review: I love a story with a good ending. Sometimes you just have to do what it takes to get the results you want. The giant had a good heart. He meant well. He tried to do right but it didn't work. You told a good story.

What is the goal or purpose? The poor giant is a protector of the forest. He sees this group of young people not caring about what their actions might cause. Every action has a consequence, both good and bad.

Is there a motivation? We love the forests. They are homes to the natural wild life and bring a sense of peace to those who visit. Well, most of the time. Maybe not in this case

What are the conflicts? The group isn't taking precautions to keep the forest safe. No matter what the giant does, they aren't getting his message.

What Needs Work: You chose to have the man's pants catch on fire. Just before this you suggest they are all passed out drunk. This would result in a burned leg and major burns before any of the others would wake enough to come to his aid. The thought was good but it wasn't realistic. I see you wrote this in 2017. I'm sure you've become a much better writer since then.
Good luck and keep posting.



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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a wonderful story.
The title grabbed me. The beginning sounded like a poem. I remembered reading you liked poetry so I forgave the brief lapse.
Your goal to find the missing Christmas package took this reader on a familiar journey. While navigating the transfers and misdirection. I felt for you. Customer service people come in an array of personalities. I'm glad you reached Edit and Karen.
After a lot of Elf-ing the lost was found and the proper people rewarded for their effort.
I'm glad you mentioned the helpful ones. It makes for a brighter perspective on this mass of money making businesses.


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Review of She Lives  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Delia Author IconMail Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description. This was recommended on the plug a friend page by PASTOR


Overall Impression
I love this story in the Bible. I wanted to read your take on it and wondered if this was going to be a modern version or an actual account. It was the latter. Your recounting of the story is biblicly accurate. I felt I was in the story and you had a good handle of the plot line.



Setting:
Since I know the story is going to be set in Bible times, my mind was already there. If someone reading this had no idea what this was about, I feel the setting needs a bit more explaining.
How the dust covered her sandals, how the woman saw her and hurried to get their water and be gone by the time she made her way across the square to the well with its stone wall. Next to the well a large pot attached to a rope allowed the gatherer to fill it and pour into their own container. She saw one of the women from the other day bring up the pot and pour out the water, only to take the pot and rope with her as she left. Blanca deflated, she had to return to her house and bring her own pot and rope along with one less pot. This meant extra trips.
This gives more detail of the setting and the era the story takes place. It also sets her relationship with others without telling the reader.

Plot:

Even though you are retelling an incident there needs to be a goal for your main character. The second section tells her backstory. My suggestion to make this more interesting and more action driven, as in the Bible. Don't go into all that detail. Create a need in her. What did she want? Your back story is good. (don't use alcoholism. That is a modern word. describe his problem rather than tell it.)
Once the reader sees her need. The desire to be loved, to have peace in herself, so she isn't always searching to fill that void in her life. That's her goal and motivation. When she meets Jesus, He imparts love. His spirit connects with hers in a way she's never felt. Show that in her actions and her thoughts about Jesus when they meet.
Then there is conflict.He's a Jew/she's a Samaritan. He doesn't care. He says she's had four husbands. He KNOWS her. how? He says he can fill her void. How?
Then you TELL what God saw. This isn't his story. Show only what happens in the moment. Don't leave details out. Think of what your reader needs to know if they have never heard this story. What does it show that might encourage them to ask, Is there a Jesus who cares about me and my problems?

Characters:

A little more detail about her looks and setting can be incorporated in your initial set up. She starts out in the present then you jump to the past, but do it in detail. I suggest if you want to tell the reader her initial meeting with the women, start there. Tell it as if it were happening at the moment. Then break and put that first sentence to start your next section. Blanca brushed her long braid over her shoulder as she set her water jugs next to the well. The incident from the other day still rested uneasy on her mind. this segues into the present and the meeting with Jesus. Ore see below for another suggested meeting.
You can insert her thoughts (only her thoughts) in response to what he says, to show her back story and character.
OR
When she returns with her one pot and rope and jug, a man sits on the wall of the well. She might try to ignore him so she isn't harassed. She doesn't look at him or his eyes, but when he speaks to her his voice draws her to look at him. First in defiance, then when she looks into his eyes her bravado disappears.


Suggestions:

Is it important to explain her past all at once? How about inserting her resistance as Jesus talks to her. At each question she's a bit fearful of his retaliation. Yet his love flows over her like a warm waterfall. It's like nothing she'd ever experienced.
She felt like He was looking into her soul. An overwhelming desire to cry came over her. Because she didn’t want to seem weak, she controlled her urge. His stare was not how other man saw her. His look expressed true concern toward Blanca. What a great line!
Desiring to free her from the source of her spiritual thirst, He peered into her eyes and said, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who I am, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.” You are back to telling the reader what Jesus is thinking.Leave that first line out. Stay only in Blanca's POV.
She counters with he has no bucket. He counters with what I give needs no bucket.
Now insert what really happened here. Like we are standing inside her body feeling what she feels and thinking what she thinks.

In conclusion:

I would love to read this again. I love this story. There is hope in this story that I don't thing you got across. I know you can do it because you are a good writer. You know the story. You might have even felt what she felt. Make the reader feel it too. Don't preach to the choir. Recount this to the reader who has never heard it. Tell it like you mean it.
If you do decide to rewrite, let me know I'd love to read it.

A super power image


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