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1,485 Public Reviews Given
1,947 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Bubblegum Jones

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
This was a set of three short stories based on two characters, Little Henry and Stinky. I thought the stories had moments of cuteness. There were one liners that made me smile and some that made me wince. (In a good way) They are well thought out stories.

*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
In each of the stories, Henry has a problem and Stinky seems to be the wiser of the two helps him solve or at least understand his thought process

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
Little Henry works at a Widget factory. His escapades and processes confound and amuse his co-worker(s) I'm not sure that's his intent but it is the writer's.

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
The stories are full of conflict. Some self-imposed and others are at his expense. The writer uses this format to give the readers a glimpse into the dry humor we all enjoy reading or hearing.
There were moments I could almost intone the story to tell it aloud.

*Quill* Resolution:
There isn't any. This is an on going piece to delight the reader. I'm sure this isn't the intent, but I could see this printed in a booklet form and sold to restaurants and put in my bathroom.

*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
We see a lot of Little Henry develop in his comments and thought processes. Poor Stinky is relegated to the straight man role. You need both to have relatable characters. They have developed even though we can't see them. They are just names that speak. Talking heads.


*Quill* What do I think needs work:
There are only a couple of things I think you might address. One is format. I had a hard time tracking the dialogue when it's run all in one paragraph.
Each person gets their own line when they speak. This makes following the story easier. I had to back track a few times to keep track of who said what.
The other thing is developing Little Henry and Stinky. You may have described them in the first or second book, but since these are stand alone stories, you should include more of their looks. You did a great job describing Little Henry with his long, dyed hair. This could extend to Stinky so we get a good picture in our mind of these two and their world.


My PDG Skeeter Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Xarthin

*Quill* What I liked about the story:
The concept and execution resounded and I all but did a fist pump at the end. The story is timely with a definite nod to what real life is about. Having the unfortunate duty of trying to teach that concept to someone on the spectrum cusp I understand the frustration completely. NOTE: You'll have no trouble submitting to the SHOW NOT TELL contest


*Quill* What is the goal of the main Character?
A teacher of old school ethics is forced to teach his students according to a new directive. He sees the need to impose the lesson in a way that will not only teach his students about life, but cause a conflict with administration.

*Quill* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal?
Mr. Pinkerton loves to teach. He understands his students. He motivates them using psychology rather than lectures and rules. He knows those lessons will stay with his students over memorized rules. You show this in the way he maneuvers Miss Steiner to use her abilities as a leader in his class.

*Quill* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?
None until the end. the motivation of this story is subtle. It isn't about conflicts in the classroom, it's about the result of his lesson that will cause the conflict to occur. It's what makes this story so interesting. To me it's an example well defined. Kudos

*Quill* Resolution:
Result accomplished. Prof. Pinkerton relaxes with the confidence he has achieved his goal, a minor resistance brought on to confront the administrator.

*Quill* Do the characters develop in this story?
I feel they do. Professor P's character is well defined by his actions and words. There is no doubt he's educated. Far more than this poor public school flunky. I know no Latin except what I heard in Dead Poets Society. *Bigsmile*
Stuk and the Miss Steiner both grow as supporting characters in this story. I would have liked a bit more conversation with him and the Prof at the end. Just my thought,


*Quill* What do I think needs work:
Nothing literary. a few minor edits if you read it again you'll see them. Nothing I'd worry about unless you want to publish it, or submit it for a contest.


My PDG Skeeter Sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
28
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Ezekiel Stephens )
I just finished reading your post.

Overall Review: The premise of this peice is an amazing idea. I loved the subtle reference to the present mode of communication. The transitioning to what it could be and is. Instagram came to my mind.

What is the goal or purpose? I'm not sure this came through. It started as a story then morphed into a article on Audio-visual Comm.

Is there a motivation? The same applies to the goal. There wasn't a motivation established. If this were just an article based on the "What if AV-Com became? or "Look what AV-Comm is becoming." The goal would be to warn. The motivation would be to inform.

What are the conflicts? There aren't any. In a story, one needs all of the above to become an actual story.

What I Liked: I did the exact thing described and posted it as my profile on FaceBook. What I liked was the possible story behind the technical insert. My mind went to what the Main Character job might be. Why was he monitoring the feed? I thought about the TV series Person of Interest and this could be something along side that thought.


What Needs Work:
If this is a story the goal of the main character needs to be established and following that what is motivating him/plot to move toward the end of the story. What drives readers to continue are the conflicts you insert to derail the goal.
You can certainly add all that side note information on Audio-Visual Communication into the story as it moves forward.
I had so many thoughts and ideas from your story. Sci-fy stories of possible scenes. I hope you rework this into an exciting story.


Power raid sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (3.0)
I love reading Mary Shelley. After reading two of your posts on her, I find them interesting in content. You have the facts, but the layout/format of the piece is difficult to follow and leaves the reader feeling like this is a lecture.

*BulletO* Adding paragraphs and breaking up the thoughts a bit more will keep the reader interested.

*BulletO* When a reader sees a page full of text, closely spaced with run on sentences it isn't as appealing and may put off the casual reader.

*BulletO* Right in the middle of a paragraph you do punch it up with a bold question. What if it read more like this?

The circle of driven writers, included Percy Shelley,Coleridge,Lord Byron,Leigh Hunt Thomas love Peacock,John Keats. Mary wasn't alone in producing volumes of novels and a few poems. It was her incredible story of Frankenstein which marked her name in the history of literature forever.At the time she wrote this novel, she was still Mary Godwin, not the Mary Shelley we've come to love.

I'm sorry for rewriting your paragraph. Do you see the difference in how the same information is presented in a manner that a reader identifies with and not as fact on a page? As if you the writer are talking to the reader and trying to influence them to read her work or look at more of her writings by knowing her background. There is a lot more to the story than the brief bit you wrote. Way more that would interest a reader to know more about Mary, who she was and what drove her to write Frankenstein.

*BulletO* All in all I'd love to see the information arranged or grouped by time. First her upbringing. More detail or perception and less "Here are the facts ma'am."

We must infer that Mary loved her father and loved working in his book store. She must have read many of the novels of the day and he would have encouraged her to create stories more interesting than what she read. I'm sure her father loved them all. (Was he alive when she published? Did he help her publish? Did he read Frankenstein? These are observations you can add to incite your reader to imagine her life as a young girl.
This is just my thoughts.


Quick-Quill


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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30
Review of Game Models  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear jeffhan

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The concept you have written is intriguing. I'm of an age that's past this type of gaming, but I can see where the younger generation would find it fascinating. Especially if the world didn't have what we have today. I think you love the game idea and wanted to write it so others would like it too. I think you might give the reader the game experience.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The POV comes from the author or writer. This person is a gamer and is looking to write a term paper. He describes the "game" in detail.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? This character likes playing interactive computer games. He sees what people enjoy doing and comes up with a "Game of Life" as I see it. He's motivated to get a good grade on this paper.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? There were none. This piece is just a press release on a fictional game description. Your conflicts are what happens when a person becomes so immersed in the "game" they don't choose to Live Life. What happens if you spent more money and can't buy groceries? In this game does everything come out even? The quest to buy groceries. What if you have a recipe and the item you need isn't available? All games have to have conflicts or challenges. You didn't express those. It seemed to easy.

*Pencil* Resolution: The guy must have received a good grade as his professor liked the concept.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No. We don't connect with the main character. He's distant and uninvolved. I'd like to know more about his thoughts. That's why I suggested the scenario below.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
This isn't a story. It's an advertisement for a game or a prospectus for a game. My suggestion would be to write about playing the game not telling the reader about what it does.What challenges did the writer have while writing it? Unless you have a word count limit, this needs more work.
Is it a virtual game? Do you put on a headset and live the game? I find that playing a game like this when you don't do it in the real life is hypocritical. Here is the conflict you didn't have. How about the point where he has to DEFEND his paper. I didn't go to college so I have heard that when you write a thesis you have to defend it in front of a panel or a teacher. Write that. He walks in and they begin to question him on all the things you describe. Why is this a good game? What will it bring to society? What if people live in this culture but never do it in real life? They live in squalor, because in this world you don't really do it.
This piece reads as if you are casually telling your idea out loud. There is and over use of the "to be." (was, had, there, were, etc) Try to use them as little as possible.
You keep the reader at a distance. There isn't any connection to the reader or a reason for them to read it. What are you offering them? It's an idea. You aren't persuading them to buy it or play it. You are TELLING not showing.



from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear DauntlessDruid

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read the tag that said psychic. I had to find out what happened. I love where the story is going. I like Mallory and Lara. I feel this could become a good story. I can't judge since this is the beginning. My review will be about what I read in this small section.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I don't know who your main character is yet. I think it maybe Lara, but since you started out with Mallory, I thought it was going to be her. I think Mallory is a teaser.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Let's just say Lara is the MC in the story. She might have more reason to insinuate herself into the story and move it forward. She has no motive other than she's been asked. This issue needs to be address. What is her backstory that will connect with the reader so they want her to take on the case and find the truth?
I had a detective what was flat. He was a body going through the motions. It took me number of times but I finally created a character with a fault the reader could connect with and his actions followed that fault.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? This is good! You created a cynical cop that isn't above bending the rules to fit his needs. I liked that. They don't believe Mallory and she's reached out to help and is rebuffed.
We have a mom asking for help. You gave Lana a plausible reason to be cautious about working on a case she didn't feel qualified to take on. I didn't like that you ended that segment with a question and no answer. It had to be Zeke.


*Pencil* Resolution: N/A

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? It's a start. I think they need a little more developing but this is the beginning and that can be added as the case goes on.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I understand what you are trying to do in this piece. You want to introduce the problem and the characters. I feel that you threw too much at the reader in the beginning. Most readers want the problem. Then a bit more of the problem, then introduce the characters that will be the solution to the problem or villains that will try to impede the case.
I loved that you started with Mallory. I feel you should milk this interview out for a whole chapter, even if it's a short one. You gave one set of interviews yet you TOLD the reader she'd told the story a number of time. Do it.
Have untrained rookies ask her questions. They think they're smart and since the other cops don't want to be bothered she has to talk to lets say 3 cops. Each time she tells them something new. Just a detail the other cops didn't hear. That reveals more to the reader. Since no one really wants to talk to her they don't all write down all she says. She knows that because when she talks to Zeke and Chris, they ask her questions she's already answered. Zeke looks at the notes and there isn't much there. He starts to ask more detailed questions because he has a curiosity about people with ESP. He's not sure he believes they have abilities, but there is some proof they have helped before. Chris, his partner with more years in the service, shuts him down.
Note. If you're going to wipe her visit off the log, she can't talk to more than 1 or 2 cops. That would be too many lies to keep quiet. That would be a blackmail point against Chris. He wouldn't want that hanging over his head.

I suggest you don't jump into the visit with Mrs. R that quick. You need a transition between Mallory and Mrs. R. Introduce Lana. She enters her office. Does she drink coffee? If so then what kind of machine does she have. Is she and espresso drinker that loves good coffee? She might have a commercial one left by the previous owner of the office space. She cleaned it up and it makes a carafe that only lasts her through the morning. Does she have an assistant? Maybe she can only afford the daughter of one of the neighboring tenants that stopped and asked for work. She cleans and types letter and such. She's going to law college and this was good practice for her. Lana is going to be on her own in the fall.
there's a knock on the door and Lana hollers out for (?) to get it but no answer. She looks at her clock and its noon. The girl is gone so she has to answer it. The woman stands there with a card, hers. She tells Lana she needs help. Their conversation can last the whole chapter. It sets up Lana's character, the restates the problem which we read about in chapter 1 and Lana's resistance for taking the case.
After Mrs. R leaves she calls Zeke and they meet. She NEEDS to tell him her fears about taking on this case. Zeke needs to tell her why he gave Mrs. R her card and why he thinks she's just the person to do so. When he tells her about Mallory, WHAT IS LANA'S REACTION? This has to have a connection. Lana has to have something in her background that is either sympathetic to psychics or have a healthy respect for them that Zeke knows about. Otherwise why did Zeke give Mrs. R the card? who cares?

When you post more can you let me know so I can read it. I want to know what happens.
Terry Reid wrote a number of books about a woman detective who could see the dead and they asked for help to find their killers. The first books were fun to read after 8 I didn't like where her character grew to. I quit reading them.
from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review of The Emigrant  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Christopher Roy Denton

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read this out of curiosity. This was for the What a character Contest. I think you did a good job of showing Mark's character. I didn't expect this to be sci-fi, but it worked out without a blatant telling.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Mark is trying for restitution. You showed in the beginning the set up of the meeting with his ex-wife and son. The rest of the story details the past and its affect on the present.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Mark loves his family. You show to the reader he made a bad choice. In reality, it would seem he was in a situation where alcohol lowered the ability to deflect the onslaught of the situation, but one usually has a choice somewhere along the way. He feels the need to justify the past, but in doing so will permanently sever the connection to his loved ones. I feel this is pretty drastic.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? You provide the reader with the past choice that forced him into this situation. It would seem your feelings are a bad choice is unjustifiable and cannot be forgiven. It shows in this story.

*Pencil* Resolution: The momentary joy of the day will long be felt as his son grows. Depending on the story his mother spins about his dad, this one day will never make up for his father abandoning him. Another poor choice.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? I don't think the character develops. I think the story develops around the character's choices. What I don't see is how he changed from the days of the incident to now. It would seem he gave up. If that's your motive then you succeeded. As a reader I don't feel sorry for him. I don't empathize with the wife. The story leaves me depressed and without hope.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Give the reader a smidgen of hope. Maybe at the end, when he leaves, he posts a letter to be given to his son when he turns 25. Hopefully he will be mature enough and made some mistakes of his own to forgive his father, abstentia.

Characters need to change in a story. Even for the worse. I'd like to see him start by enjoying the time with his son, not sitting and talking to his ex-wife.

Maybe change the setting. Move the story a few hours ahead into the Disney time. While James is on a ride, Judy (you only mention her name once)peppers him with questions and asks why all this for one day? Maybe spend your word count on their interaction and less on the meal and setting.

This is about character not setting. You might cut and paste their conversation on a page, without setting. What does this tell you about Mark's character? It may help when you're rewriting.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Review of On Giving Reviews  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear concrete_angel

*Pencil* What I liked about the article: I wanted to see how you approached the touchy topic of reviewing. I found it interesting. Even the part you acknowledge someone might scroll down. All in all you did a good job.

*Pencil* What is the goal? This article was written to give others on this site a run down of how to review. Reviewing is the platform of this site. You can post all the stories you want, but if no on reads them and tell you if they were any good, what's the point? You can leave them in your own computer file on your desk.

*Pencil* What motivates this writer of this article? Like most of us, it's the desire to help others grow as writers and to enhance the experience of using this site and format.

*Pencil* Resolution: This is a informative and easy to understand article. I'd be proud to point others to read it.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
There is only one point I didn't see, and it may have been subtly inferred. The biggest issue with new reviewers is the tendency to review how the reader FEELS about a post.
Reviewing has nothing to do with your personal belief, creed or persuasion. You may mention that the piece you read provoked an emotion. That's it. Not whether it made you mad, or caused you grief or even offended you. You, the reviewer must keep you personal opinion of what the purpose of the piece is about to your self. Do not use the review to debate what you read. Post your own article defending your idea on your own page.
You can choose not to review a piece that falls in this category. You don't HAVE to put your two bits in and make an argument for or against what you read. This is not the time or place for that.
This is where I failed when I first started on Wdc. I reviewed moral issue with my review. I was told to kindly keep my personal thoughts to myself and here is the link to the class on reviewing. *Bigsmile* I took the class and practiced to be a better reviewer.
This is an article worth posting on the news feed now and then.

from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer_Mike

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Over all it's a great feel good story. There is an opening, middle and a "nice" tie up at the end. I love these type of stories because they inspire me to press on, to keep going toward my goal even when I don't feel I'm doing it "right." It's purpose is to inspire.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? The goal is twofold. We see the speaker telling a story. His purpose is to encourage people to change, or take a chance when given a second chance. You accomplished this general purpose.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? It becomes evident at the end that there is a higher motive to telling this story. It's telling is the purpose and motivation.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The poor man is ordinary. Most of us, especially writers, feel this way. It's why we write. Take those inner inhibitions and inspire others with our ability to move the reader. Here the young man comes face to face with possible death. The act caused a reaction. To some it might cause them to withdrawn even more. Mike chose a different path. Not one of aggression to which it would be perfectly normal to extend his military commitment and become a killer or even a more aggressive trainer. Instead the conflict itself worked on his motivation and changed his goal.

*Pencil* Resolution: We have a great ending that leaves everyone including the audience with a thought provoking question as to how will they/us proceed with our lives.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? You do a good job introducing the character, Mike. He comes across as a real person. The change he chooses to make is real and relatable.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Now comes the hard part. The story is sweet, and easy to read. BUT, it lacks emotion. I don't feel anything but ordinary and then he makes a choice and AWWW! Is that what you want? If so don't continue reading.


If you want to insert emotion you will need to add words that evoke feeling. Mike is ordinary, so ordinary we don't have a feeling for him. Then you insert the speaker's observation of the audience as if that will garner emotion. I'd take them out. Your audience is the reader. You are speaking to the reader as the audience. Revealing there is a congregation at the end lends to the persuasion of his speech.

The beginning is the set up and fine. But You are telling the reader he's ordinary. How does he feel about that? He drifts along, but is he really happy? You say he joined the Army with a vague notion of making a mark. Here is a spot to show emotion. How did he think he was going to make a mark? He was ordinary, He didn't ruffle the water he's emotionless.
This young man graduated. The life before him seemed more of the same. His friends talked about college, but it seemed more of what he'd been through. He wanted something different. Something with a challenge. An idea came to him. Military, that was exciting. You got to travel to far away places. The training was like going to college and still, you could DO something not float through life. He joined. Boot camp had him second guessing his choice. Add something humorous. Do you see that maybe the reader can connect with Mike on a more personal level? Most speakers add humor to a speech.
What was his specialized training? My first question as I read. Will any of it help in the coming situation?
Then he has an encounter. Let's look at that. You give the setting. Most everyone knows where he is and you can leave those details in if you want. Emotion: What does he think about the crowd? Given his training? Does it ever cross his mind this is a perfect set up for pickpockets? I'm sure he's been warned about them. How about muggers? He never had any thoughts about the possibility? Then the unthinkable happens. a man (describe him and his reaction to him)
Mike tried to maneuver his bike through the crowd and around a man standing in front of him. Before he could pass the man grabbed the handlebar not allowing Mike to pass him. Mike looked into the man's hard eyes. This wasn't a tourist. This was a confrontation. His heart sped up, pounding in his chest. "Get off the bike." The man growled and shook the bike, almost knocking Mike over. Mike gripped the handles in his sweating palms, (insert what he says back to the man) The man now puts one hand into his jacket pocket and pulls the jacket so that whatever is in the pocket is now pointing at Mike. Do you see how adding emotion, action and dialogue pulls the reader further into the moment. You want your reader to feel the tense fear Mike is feeling. If you don't then his reaction to the situation is HOHUM.
Mike determines he's not ordinary. He's not giving up his bike. What does his training tell him? He could knock the man down in a minute with his bike, but then...there's what's in the pocket and that might hurt others in the crowd. Sweat beads his upper lip and he doesn't take his eyes off the man's. He can see whatever is in the pocket being jerked in his direction. Is this going to be the end of his life? What had he done to make his mark? These thoughts jumbled with instructions from his boot camp trainer. His steadfast refusal to give and show fear, caused the man to back down and slip into the crowd and disappear.
Mike shivered realizing he may have dodged the bullet. His body still in a high Adrenalin reaction, spurred him to pedal back to the barracks as fast as he could.
I hope this helps as you go forward. Adding Emotion even if it's small words inserted will bring this to a much more anticipated ending. One that inspires the reveal to the reader who Mike is and to the audience the reader didn't know about. (Other than maybe at the beginning show how he grips the podium as he lays his notes on it)

I hope this was what you were asking for.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I just read this, maybe for the first time? Then again I've been here a while and I may have read it years ago.
Even though Sticktalker has passed, the words he penned are still relevant today. They are as fresh to a new writer and reviewer as ever words can be.
I thank The StoryMistress /The StoryMaster for keeping this posted and linking it for new, and old, reviewers to read and renew what they think they may already know.
Wise words should never be hidden, they can live on in the hearts and minds of all writers.
Editing


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
36
Review of The Ad  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear William Stafford

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The prompt hooked me. I like the beginning and your voice. I pictured the bartender looking like the cool picture on your bio.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I know this is just a brief throw down of a thought and into to a possible story or is this going to be a novel? That will determine how much information you put at the beginning. What is his goal? What reason did he have for going?
You TELL the reader his background. What if you start with the phone call right off as he's looking at the ad. Then ask. Did you put in this ad (read it to them) they interrupt Yea Yea. They ask him questions. 1) Who is he? 2) Does he work for any law reinforcement? 3) Does he have his own weapons? 4) can he meet them atxxx? This let's your character tell them he does odd jobs and needs money and WHY he answered the ad. They want to prequalify him a little more and inform the reader what you have in your head.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here is another part to introduce into the conversation at the bar. They have to tell him something about the "job" or what he's going to be compensated for going. You need to have a WHY? Why did he go when he didn't really have the extra money for the Uber? Why did he wait when this seemed to be the wrong place. He can think these things as he sips the beer and the reader finds out a little about him. Is he nervous? Inpatient? ready to give up at the drop of a hat or when things aren't right in front of him? These are things you will know if you fill out a character sheet on him and his "partners"

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Now the first conflict we see is his lack of money. Then no one seems to be there to meet him. Then his lack of weapon. All a very good start! What I didn't get is What is this choice going to cost him? What is at stake if he goes or doesn't? You will need to decide what your character is going to choose? In Star Wars, Luke's uncle and aunt are killed and he has no place to live. That's pretty awful. Then we have Bilbo Baggins. He loves his home and has no reason to leave it. WHY does he and what is at stake for him? You will need to make that known to the reader. Then add the conflicts they encounter throughout the story.

*Pencil* Resolution: I know this is the beginning, but while they are talking, it seems the bar is empty, it's just them and the bartender who is watching TV. They will need to tell him what they want out of this trip and why they need him. What will he get if he goes? at then end he gets a piece of the treasure? OR will he find where a treasure is hidden and come back in time to dig it up? Like the curse of oak Island.. Could he go back and find out who went there and where they may have hidden a stash? (note: if you went with this idea, I have a great side story you could add that would be so cool)

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? This was too short to develop but I loved your main character. I grinned at the humor you have the MC and bartender. The setting and their dialogue is good. You definitely have a good handle on that. I'd like to know how you're going to change him over the course of this story. 1)What is his strength at the beginning and will it change at the end? 2)What will he learn by this he can use in the future? Will it change his desires? Will greed enter into his personality and change him or will he be able to fight that? This is something you can hint at the beginning. What is he like now and over the course of the story that will have to change. Well not completely. But the conflict will have to say give him an opportunity to change and he may choose not to. To remain constant in his moral compass. In my soon to be published novel, I have a man who is a Detective, good at his job but hates Organized Crime. (because they were responsible for the death of his partner, wife and child) In the end he still hates OC but he's moved on with his life. So you can change other ways.


*Pencil* Over all thoughts: I think you have a great start to a story, but there isn't a lot of information in this snippet. It leaves me with a ton of questions and wanting more, as you see above.


from Hanna


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, sindbad I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

I rolled the die and found this. I almost didn't read it as the format is like a poem and I don't review poems. The title intrigued me and I thought I'd take a chance and see if I understood the poem. It wasn't a poem but a parable.

Setting:

I'm not sure of the setting. My guess is a bygone era in a foreign land not at all like mine. At least not in my circle.

Plot:

Once I started the story it hooked me. A man with four wives, what would he do with them? The story started with what each meant to him and how he treated them differently. It ended with the moral meaning behind each of the wives reactions to his impending death. I found the story to be a good analogy and truthful.

Characters:

Each wife represented a characteristic. The husband represented what the word HUSBAND should mean. The caregiver, the nurturer and planter. He didn't do what he was supposed to. He failed in his husbandly duty and reaped the rewards.

Suggestions:

My only suggestion is the first wife at the end. You tell the reader the husband was greatly grieved, but not why. You might rework this and add that because she was so malnourished, she couldn't serve him. She wouldn't take the place of the beauty of the 4th wife or provide him with the monetary gifts of the third wife, or the physical comfort of number 2. This would explain the story to someone who didn't understand. Even at the end when you tell why it didn't explain the reactions earlier. Don't assume anything in a story like this. The moral representation of the story needs to match the components of the story.

In conclusion:

While the suggestions are just to fill out the story and make it so even the unchurched understand the meaning, those of us who have a faith and "get it" will love your story.

A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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38
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, 🌕 HuntersMoon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression

How about chance, I got this on the die roll. You hooked me good. I didn't have a lot of time to read and review but took a chance. I didn't stop till the end. I followed the story much like one of the characters. No clue of the twist or pun at the end. Great job. I chuckled out loud and reread the end just to make sure.

Setting:

I love a good western. I loved you wove a bit of history into the story to make the setting more familiar. The cost of feed and board gave a lend to the era so I knew it wasn't 2019.

Plot:

The traveling judge and a seemingly open and shut murder case. I read on just to see what the case would be about. You gave it a full measure and a ending that was satisfactory.

Characters:

Who woudn't love the judge, or Zeb? you gave him the right amount of sensitivity. A love of the area and his horse. Always a good combination. The Sheriff had good reason to ask for help. He didn't want to falsely accuse the cute little miss everyone loved of murder.

Suggestions:

There isn't anything I'd change. You have a knack of storytelling that makes everyone read to the end.

In conclusion:

I love the history you included and the ending. It wasn't anything like I'd have expected. My mind wandered all over the place with possibilities. I have to say your's was the best.

A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Back Story  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jacky
I just finished reading your posting

Overall Review: By the luck of the draw or die rolled and got you twice. I loved this story too. I loved how you built the story with action and description. I felt I was in the moment with the ants. You took me on a quick journey that had me feeling like Ronny and wishing the place was real.

What is the goal or purpose? I guess the goal would be to bounce the highest but it was the story, and the "cliff hanger" that put a smile on my face.

Is there a motivation? When a storyteller can move an audience to desire the unobtainable or wish for more imagination, the storyteller motivated the audience.

What are the conflicts? The dog! Right when he hoped to win the bragging rights of bouncing the highest, he's swept off never to be seen. Now that's a conflict.

What I Liked: I like that the story could continue. If there were a need to expand the story, all the elements were there.

What Needs Work: I didn't see anything that needed to be changed or added.


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Review of Fire  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
HelloJacky
I just finished reading your posting

Overall Review: I love a story with a good ending. Sometimes you just have to do what it takes to get the results you want. The giant had a good heart. He meant well. He tried to do right but it didn't work. You told a good story.

What is the goal or purpose? The poor giant is a protector of the forest. He sees this group of young people not caring about what their actions might cause. Every action has a consequence, both good and bad.

Is there a motivation? We love the forests. They are homes to the natural wild life and bring a sense of peace to those who visit. Well, most of the time. Maybe not in this case

What are the conflicts? The group isn't taking precautions to keep the forest safe. No matter what the giant does, they aren't getting his message.

What Needs Work: You chose to have the man's pants catch on fire. Just before this you suggest they are all passed out drunk. This would result in a burned leg and major burns before any of the others would wake enough to come to his aid. The thought was good but it wasn't realistic. I see you wrote this in 2017. I'm sure you've become a much better writer since then.
Good luck and keep posting.



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Review of She Lives  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Delia I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description. This was recommended on the plug a friend page by PASTOR


Overall Impression
I love this story in the Bible. I wanted to read your take on it and wondered if this was going to be a modern version or an actual account. It was the latter. Your recounting of the story is biblicly accurate. I felt I was in the story and you had a good handle of the plot line.



Setting:
Since I know the story is going to be set in Bible times, my mind was already there. If someone reading this had no idea what this was about, I feel the setting needs a bit more explaining.
How the dust covered her sandals, how the woman saw her and hurried to get their water and be gone by the time she made her way across the square to the well with its stone wall. Next to the well a large pot attached to a rope allowed the gatherer to fill it and pour into their own container. She saw one of the women from the other day bring up the pot and pour out the water, only to take the pot and rope with her as she left. Blanca deflated, she had to return to her house and bring her own pot and rope along with one less pot. This meant extra trips.
This gives more detail of the setting and the era the story takes place. It also sets her relationship with others without telling the reader.

Plot:

Even though you are retelling an incident there needs to be a goal for your main character. The second section tells her backstory. My suggestion to make this more interesting and more action driven, as in the Bible. Don't go into all that detail. Create a need in her. What did she want? Your back story is good. (don't use alcoholism. That is a modern word. describe his problem rather than tell it.)
Once the reader sees her need. The desire to be loved, to have peace in herself, so she isn't always searching to fill that void in her life. That's her goal and motivation. When she meets Jesus, He imparts love. His spirit connects with hers in a way she's never felt. Show that in her actions and her thoughts about Jesus when they meet.
Then there is conflict.He's a Jew/she's a Samaritan. He doesn't care. He says she's had four husbands. He KNOWS her. how? He says he can fill her void. How?
Then you TELL what God saw. This isn't his story. Show only what happens in the moment. Don't leave details out. Think of what your reader needs to know if they have never heard this story. What does it show that might encourage them to ask, Is there a Jesus who cares about me and my problems?

Characters:

A little more detail about her looks and setting can be incorporated in your initial set up. She starts out in the present then you jump to the past, but do it in detail. I suggest if you want to tell the reader her initial meeting with the women, start there. Tell it as if it were happening at the moment. Then break and put that first sentence to start your next section. Blanca brushed her long braid over her shoulder as she set her water jugs next to the well. The incident from the other day still rested uneasy on her mind. this segues into the present and the meeting with Jesus. Ore see below for another suggested meeting.
You can insert her thoughts (only her thoughts) in response to what he says, to show her back story and character.
OR
When she returns with her one pot and rope and jug, a man sits on the wall of the well. She might try to ignore him so she isn't harassed. She doesn't look at him or his eyes, but when he speaks to her his voice draws her to look at him. First in defiance, then when she looks into his eyes her bravado disappears.


Suggestions:

Is it important to explain her past all at once? How about inserting her resistance as Jesus talks to her. At each question she's a bit fearful of his retaliation. Yet his love flows over her like a warm waterfall. It's like nothing she'd ever experienced.
She felt like He was looking into her soul. An overwhelming desire to cry came over her. Because she didn’t want to seem weak, she controlled her urge. His stare was not how other man saw her. His look expressed true concern toward Blanca. What a great line!
Desiring to free her from the source of her spiritual thirst, He peered into her eyes and said, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who I am, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.” You are back to telling the reader what Jesus is thinking.Leave that first line out. Stay only in Blanca's POV.
She counters with he has no bucket. He counters with what I give needs no bucket.
Now insert what really happened here. Like we are standing inside her body feeling what she feels and thinking what she thinks.

In conclusion:

I would love to read this again. I love this story. There is hope in this story that I don't thing you got across. I know you can do it because you are a good writer. You know the story. You might have even felt what she felt. Make the reader feel it too. Don't preach to the choir. Recount this to the reader who has never heard it. Tell it like you mean it.
If you do decide to rewrite, let me know I'd love to read it.

A super power image


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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42
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, Monochrome per your request for review


Overall Impression

The story had me confused for most of the time, until the end. I love the last couple of paragraphs. I felt your use of words came across much better than the other two stories I read. You have a good idea and time travel. With a bit of work it will be a great story.

Setting:

Here you created a good setting for the reader. I felt I was in a jungle. As if I were maybe Mowgli in The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kilping. Both time settings were were defined. I have no faults here.

Plot:

Here is where you need to do a bit of work. The plot is a young man lives in the jungle alone. From his earliest memories, he's been guided by voices in his head. Some are helpful some (or one at least) is harmful. I suggest you create a goal for him. Like Tarzan, he is confortable in his surrounding, but he has never seen another adult? Why? Even in this day and age, people hunt in the jungle. Creat a fear of them. They kill, they harm the forest. If he's happy here, why? Its a world he knows and understands. He feels safe. What changes? You have to create a need in him. Something he wants. He sees humans like himself wearing clothes. He steals a book he saw a man holding. He can't read it but it was important to the man so he stole it and hid.
Back in his cave the voices argue with his need. One might tell him to go to the humans, another says they will kill him, another tells him stay where he's safe. Still you have to create an inner desire.
Now when he wakes to find himself in a different world. It has some familiar things but he's confused. When he stands to leave someone throws him a bag. "Don't forget your backpack, loony tune." or whatever name you have him call Isog.
Don't have him run to a bathroom. He wouldn't know what it is He hides under a stairs or behind the mats hanging in a gym.
Peeking out he sees the people in this world. How can he live here? Does he even want to? holding the bag, the sounds are crashing into his brain. He sees his odd clothing hand his hands seem to known what to do with them.
He hears water running and follows another boy through the door. He sees water coming out of a strange object and watches how it is turned on and off. He trys and water sprays him from the force he turned it on. he turns it off and on wondering at the feel. He hears a new noise and sees a boy coming from a small cube. Going in he sees a strange white item. The voices in his head begin talking and he feels odd and then it goes dark and he wakes back in the jumgle.
Why? why did you have him time travel? Just to learn the words? Non of that made sense to me. GET OUT? Why? You ddidn't create something dangerous there that he'd become used to.
You might need to create a acry part of the cave. The part that the bad voice tells him to go to but the good voices warn him not to. When he arrives back at the jumgle he isn't near his cave. He might open the backpack to see what's in it and there is a book. When he opens it, the funny lines he didn't know before move around the page and his eye see them as words and his brain looks at them. He might be able to read them or you may have a voice begin to read to him. Now when he sees the words. He understands what they mean.


Characters:

I like Isog. You have him pretty well set so I don't see to much problem with him, He needs to react to his situations better.

Suggestions:

The above is a suggestion.
Also when you write think about this. What is my character's goal? What motivates them to reach the goal and what conflicts are preventing them from reaching that goal. What twist can I give at the end that ties all the clues I've given to the reader?

In conclusion:

I love your thought pattern. I get what you're doing when you write. Keep it up. The more you do it, the better you'll become and the more people will want to read and review your stories.


A super power image


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Review of LIGHT  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi, Monochrome In response to your request for a review.


Overall Impression I get the impression English isn't your first language. It shows in the structure of your word choice. That being said it also adds a flavor to the story. When I got to then end I understood your point. While your story took a circuitous journey it had a satisfactory ending.


Setting:

The setting in the dorm or apartment could be a little more descriptive. Also his surroundings in his class might help set the stage. However a lot of detail isn't necessary as this isn't the point of the story.

Plot:

I'm not sure you created a plot. I didn't get the goal of the main character all the way through. There wasn't any motivation in his actions. He didn't try to fit or even make some attempt to assimilate. There weren't any conflicts. He just moved as a ghost through the story with no purpose. He had a premonition and then the story ended.

Characters:

Jake is a nothing. You need to create something the reader can feel empathy for. He was in an accident. Did the accident cause him some kind of visible injury? It seems you allude to it but drop it. What if you give him conflict? What if his scar causes his classmates to notice him? Is that good or bad? How would he feel if they reached out to him? Some teasing him about his HP type scar? But some girls/boys might defend him and say its cool. How does he feel about it? Your reader will empathize with his resistance or acceptance of the attention.
Then again my question to you is what does any of his feelings have to do with the beginning and end of the story?

Suggestions:

My suggestion to you is to rethink the purpose. He has a reoccurring dream that he can't figure out. However, there are clues. He might have a dream about something else that comes true. He sees a test with a grade on in and the next day he gets his test back and the page looks like the one in his dream. He's a little freaked out. He had a dream or a vision of a classmate who trips and falls in the cafeteria. He decides to test the theory and sure enough the guy trips on his shoelace and starts to fall. Jake catches him and prevents a mess. The guy is grateful but frowns and wonders how he came to be there, he never eats at the cafeteria. Add a couple other situations. He doesn't have the first dream every night or he'd never get out of bed. Then he meets the "guy" in class. he feels a connection. Now you can give a clue when he sees the guy ride past on a motorcycle. Then later when its starts to rain and Jake steps out into the road and he's hit, the whole story makes sense.

In conclusion:

I hope you understand what I said. That in building the story, especially one so short, every action and word must point toward the ending. Let me know if you have any questions.


A super power image


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Review of In The Stars  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello MidnightWolf
I just finished reading the story you requested for review

Overall Review: This looks like it could be the middle or the beginning of a longer work. The plot line intrigued me. I wanted to know more about the two men and the ability they showed. It must have been something new as they hadn't showed it before. I wanted to know more.

What is the goal or purpose? Duskero seems to have something to prove. In the past he's performed in this place as a competition. Here he feels confident he has what it takes to win or move to the next level.

Is there a motivation? I didn't read or get a sense of the motivation. There isn't any talk about what Duskero will receive if he wins or moves to the next level. The motivation of this story needs more definition for me to connect to the outcome. I didn't feel satisfied nor was I rooting for him since I had no past or knowledge of his future.

What are the conflicts? Here is another place I felt was lacking. The most important piece besides motivation. The only conflict in the story was him looking for the ring and almost not arriving on time. There needs to be more angst in the story. A build up to the actual performance.

What I Liked: I like a bit of magic. I want to know how he got it when he didn't have it before. I want to know what he wants. Why is he even entering this contest if he lost before. Why did he lose. These are all questions I wanted to know the answers to. The interesting parts hooked me.

What Needs Work:
The above mentioned things. Also I was too confused as to the blond/brunette tags. Men don't usually have these. They are general descriptions given to the reader but not used instead of names. I'd rework the beginning. Stick to Draken waking him. If this was important to Druskero I doubt he'd be lazy, he'd be up and getting dressed. Show his motivation. Why is this show going to get him what he wants and what is it? The two can talk about it. Their actions can show they are a couple. The kiss, one gently straightening the elaborate costume (describe it) This is too short. I want more.
Thank you for asking me to review this, it was a fun piece to read.



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45
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting quiz. A few vague and repeated questions. All in all for a beginner writer it’s a must take quiz. These are basics that need to be learned and understood.
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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
I opened this article hoping for some insight and recommendation. The beginning gave information that would be helpful to someone interested in this particular publishing company. I connected with the author when she wrote she'd been out reviewing publishers and sites. I too am in the same situation.
I found the information for the date she wrote it to be informative. It gave a good idea of what to expect from this company. Also the pros and cons.
The only drawback was, this hasn't been updated. Many of the links are broken or moved. I would have loved a update on what the author finally did and the result.


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47
47
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Maryann - House Martell
I just finished reading your posting in the August Review Raid

Overall Review: It wasn't up to your usual style. I think you showed the setting perfect, the characters acted as they did in the show, but that was about it.

What is the goal or purpose? The teacher tried to get his students to think outside the box. I think the question was a legitimate one. I thought his request and suggestions fit the premise. I don't think you gave the characters enough response. The one and only good one, was quite good and fit the character to perfection.

Is there a motivation? A teacher who tries to teach the unteachable. This premise has been done time and time again. In this fan setting it worked during the 1970's. In this particular story it didn't work. There was no motivation. He didn't give them a reason to answer. Teachers motivate. He didn't.

What are the conflicts? The conflict is real. First period on a Monday morning. Need I say more? You planned that just right. The teacher got one good answer and didn't respond in order to instigate more responses.

What I Liked: I loved the show and looked forward to seeing what you would have the kids respond. One good one that fit was all I got.

What Needs Work: I wanted more. I hope you rework this with better responses.



For SuperPowersimage:2154079}
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Review of Gardenia  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mary
I just finished reading your posting on the August Raid Page

Overall Review: A surprising story. I thought it would be a kids story. I miss read the requirement +13. I found this to be a wonderful heartwarming story with a great ending. Not quite as predicable as I'd imagined, but just as satisfying.

What is the goal or purpose? A man is stealing flowers. At first the reader is unaware of who it is and why. You did an excellent job of disguising the main character. Since I'd previously thought this to be a YA story, I pictured a kid stealing flowers. When I discovered the truth, it was a bit of a jog.

Is there a motivation? I felt this is where you were the most successful. The first part of the story alluded to his actions, but not why. He tried to tell her but she wasn't having any of it. There was one thing that bothered me. Why would a young woman demand to accompany a male stranger to meet the girl he's giving flowers to? This bothered me. I think this should be thought out a bit better. It isn't realistic. It might be they recognized each other from the coffee shop where she was a barista and he was a regular there. The surprise it was HER house he was stealing from is reasonable. Just a thought, spin it how you want. No woman is going to demand to go off with a stranger.

What are the conflicts? He was stealing. She demanded justification for his actions. This is a simple plot and you handled it well. The movement of the story to it's middle part was seamless and when they arrived, I felt a smile grow inside me.

What I Liked: What a great story and what a great lead into a longer story. It would make a great novella about the two meeting after his loss and... No I'm not going to write your story. I would like to read it if you chose to go for it.

What Needs Work: I mention the above. I don't know if you had a word count limit but the line:
I didn’t know what to say the entire ride there. We were both silent. My silence stemmed from fear while hers came from finally getting the justice she’s wanted for a long time.
I pulled up to where I needed to be and all I heard was a soft ‘oh’ from Alina.

Needs more. It's to short and not enough lead in. They drove how long? Was her house close to the cemetery? That would make sense. I'd like to know her thoughts along the way? I'm sure she'd have a lot to say about who they're going to meet. He'd be evasive, giving her true details about his love. Which seems more likely.

For SuperPowersimage:2154079}


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Review of Dear Me  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have written quite a bit to yourself. I hope you accomplished it all that year.
You listed books to read which would daunt the most avid reader. I hope you have learned to space your reading with your writing.
What I got from your letter is you are hard on yourself. You demand a lot from yourself. I hope you don’t punish yourself for any failure.
Your a good writer. Keep writing.
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Review of Taps  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Mouser ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I'm of an age. Not as old as this gentleman who would be my parents age. My father would have been 90. I grew up in a time when we respected and revered our military. This piece brought it all home to me. I have a friend who served on the USS Enterprise in WWII and attends Memorial Day events. This man's remembrance of his time in the service and losing his comrades through the years felt especially poignant.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This piece brought a man to attend the Memorial Day service honoring veterans. He came to honor his friends who'd fallen and those who were still alive.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? One doesn't serve in the armed forces with honor and denounce their effort. I have talked to a young man who's outlook is the exact opposite of Henry. His attitude bothers me. Honor is above all the highest praise to a soldier past and present.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Henry lives with his daughter who doesn't understand his need to attend these assemblies. His grandson, a vet, does and makes sure he gets to the meeting place.

*Pencil* Resolution: I was a bit confused at the end. Did he die right then and there? Was this a moment when he said this was his last one and go home to die? I'm not sure here.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Henry served his country at Normandy. Not many are left who served in that war. Henry realized this and instilled into his grandson the importance of remembering and honoring those who have served and gave the ultimate sacrifice.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
There are a number of places that need rewording. Places that could be filled out to give the story a bit more emotion that would connect with the reader. I felt you were telling me this as a third party. I would rather you told this from Henry's POV so we felt his emotion.

It didn’t feel like more than seventy years since Normandy. He could see them all laughing and joking the night before. Nobody laughed in the heights above Omaha Beach or in the hedgerow country for a long time.
They had looked like old men then but weren’t. With the resilience of youth they had kept going. As probably all wars they had fought for each other, brothers in blood if not family. The hard pride of men who had faced the line felt too dearly bought.

If this were written as a more internal visual: It didn't feel like more than seventy years since Normandy. For a moment he closed his eyes against the sun and saw he and his buddies laughing and joking the night before. None of them wanted to admit they were scared out of their wits at the thought tomorrow might be the last time they saw each other. They didn't laugh in the heights above Omaha Beach or hedgerow country. Some were left there. He'd gone home. Some called him "lucky." He didn't.
The men seated in his row and the rows in front of him looked like old men. In their minds they relived their youth in the wars they fought and the young men who fought with them. Here they sat, brothers in blood if not family. He glanced up to see his grandson standing at attention. He was proud of the boy. He blinked hard at the moisture that gathered in his eyes. This is just a small example of adding emotion to a piece. I'd love to see you rework this with more personal connection.


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