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Review Requests: ON
1,497 Public Reviews Given
1,959 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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101
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Justin Author IconMail Icon,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: You showed the torment of love. Its wonders that bring a person hope. You followed the process from moments of anticipation to heartbreak.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I assume its to find a long lasting love. Its not stated. The feelings generated at the beginning don't speak of a love given and received. Nothing about long term. Its all from the writers point of view.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The desire for love to be reciprocated. There is an unrealistic expectation of love that isn't in evidence from the other person. Its not surprising the relationship didn't last.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Here is where you need to fill in the reader. Since this is all one sided, there were no clues for him to expect his love not to be returned. You may want to show the relationship had some rocky moments. One side over compensated for the lack of it from the other.

*Pencil* Resolution: Somewhere, unknown to the reader, something went right. The reader has no idea what changed, but the initial relationship broke and the writer found love somewhere else. There isn't anything that shows what the writer learned in the process.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story?
I think this is where some work needs to be done.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
First there needs to be some grammar and punctuation rules looked at and edited.
From there you may want to introduce the characters, show them meeting, what was the attraction. Then some conflict they may have had that led to the breakup and finish with the breakup. Resolve with the lesson learned and a happy ending when a new love is met and the lessons learned grow a better relationship the next time.



PDG reviewers sig

102
102
Review of Gate 11A  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Blake Author IconMail Icon ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read this because you requested a review. I read the whole story with questions in my mind from the beginning. You are a good writer of words. Putting them together to form a story that is complete. There was action and concequences for the actions. That's a great start to writing and It hink with just a few suggetions this will be a great story.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Here is where I didn't feel you accomplised the goal. Your point was for the man to be noticed. I'm conflicted in his goal, most alcoholics do not want to be noticed. I see you tried to make the point he wanted to be seen. To be acknowleged as alive. I like that point. This Point Of View jumped around a bit. You, the writer are an observer to the Main Character. You are telling the reader what is going on.
The overall goal is not clear or something a reader would be engaged to continue. Why is getting noticed important? What is the cost to To Paul when he's not noticed? Every story needs the angst. The thing that grabs the the reader and keeps his interest to the end. Cost. Think about that.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here along with the above is an important part of the story. Paul comes to the airport often. Nowdays no one without a ticket gets to a gate, so this story is out of date. That aside, this could be anywhere, any street or mall or park. What keeps Paul coming back? Don't answer to be noticed, because you haven't established why he needs that. (above) why here? why anywhere? What is his connection to this place? He isn't so far gone that he is out of it. He has a reality and sense of clarity. The workers were always different for some reason though. He had never met someone twice, which he hated. He wants something but it still isn't clear what. Why a familar face? I love the mother memories. That makes him more real to me, but I'm still not sure about him.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? His conflicts are brought on by his dependenci on alcohol. He buys a bagel to throw at someone. I see that this is truly an action by someone with a problem. From the outsider its not all that surprising once you look at the offender. BUT we don't know what he looks like. You the writer haven't told us.
Paul wiped his damp palms on the faded, dirty jeans. He really was ashamed of them. His mother had told him, "people judge you by what they see. Wear clean clothes and polish your shoes. Look people straight in the eye." he'd tried that, but it didn't work. His toes poked through the holes in his sneakers, the sweater he wore had stretched from his fists dragging on it continually. "i'm sorry Mom." he muttered under his breath. Something like this give the reader a clearer view of your character without describing him.

*Pencil* Resolution: Its not surprising he ends up where he does. But why? For me there isn't a resolution. I would rather have him wake up and smile. The officer talked to him and gave him a bagel. The other occupant talked to him. They saw him. Some one might walk by and call his name. "Paul. Back again?" He smiles. sometimes the homeless and those addicted will commit crimes to get back into jail where its warm and they get fed. I don't have a sense of this from Paul. I just don't know what the point of this story is.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
Besides the above. There are just a few housekeeping items you need to watch. The second paragraph is TELLING the reader something. Let the character tell it. Down where he's infront of the restroom he's too coherient. Short sentences, and not so much thought. his answer should be, "Nothing. " When he's told he's blocking the door, he sees the line and flattens his body against the wall, looking down as feet and rolling bags pass by in a hurry, No one stops or says anything. They don't see him.
Watch Ly words, 'was', 'the' see where you can take them out and it won't change the story.



PDG reviewers sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
103
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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Amalyr Roe Author IconHere is the review of this story you requested

Overall Impression
You caught my interest right away with the first paragraph. The description of what Karyll was up to came through in your writing. Your follow through to the end felt well thought out and the ending with her escape was satisfying.


Setting: Your description of the office and the building put me right in there. I wouldn't change a thing. If you wanted to lengthen the story, more detail wouldn't hurt.


Plot:
You used everything in the end that you showed us at the beginning. Well placed. Her goal was achieved and she had a little conflict and got away at the end. Plot is textbook and good.

Characters:
You started with her description. I'd cut that. Its too cliche. What does her looks have to do with the plot? Her size and weight to fit into the space, get out easily is more about moving the plot. If this were a longer story then describe her. This short story is about what is going to happen. You gave a good idea of her skill, but not about her motive. Why was she doing this? What would it cost her if she didn't? Was this training or a test? Building the character also gives the reader more interest into reading on.


Suggestions:

There are a couple suggestions I'd like to make.
1. The over use of -LY words and the word SHE. Look this over and if you changed the ly words to action or description would it enhance the suspense? i.e. "She exhaled slowly." how about "The crossbow lay like a familiar friend on her shoulder. The target lined up, she inhaled then squeezed the trigger. Her body already prepared for the kickback and she kept her eye on the roof across from her. The hook hit and caught, the scrape of the metal made her wince." Something like this makes the action more intense. Puts the reader into the moment.

Again there is no cost to the Karyll. Why do I care if she gets whatever it is she after? I don't. You are just describing a brief moment in time with a little action Karyll forced his fingers to stop shaking. If she failed this mission her life would be over. Her place in the team would be taken by someone else. How could she tell her family, who depended on her, she failed. Locking her jaw she moved down the corridor to the office with more determination, her senses acutely engaged. Now we want her to succeed, we know what is as stake.

You are good at plotting the plot, but it was too easy. The men weren't enough conflict.
She got what she came for. If it were so easy I don't care. Its not interesting. I want her to struggle. What if her shaking fingers didn't get the numbers right? She dropped the key and while she fumbled in the dim light a murmur of conversation made her body tense. Her fingers grabbed the paper, and keyed in the numbers as she shoved the drive into the port. Confident fingers hit the keys to download. The blue bar indicated the progress. The door rattled thankful she jammed the lock, it would take them just a few more minutes to get the door open. She hoped it would be enough. This is the kind of wording that builds the intense suspense. You are writing it. You are in the moment. Now you have to transfer what you are feeling into words so the reader gets the same feeling.
Always use short sentences in intense action.

In conclusion:
I think you have a good start to writing in the genre. A little practice and you will be able to put out a story that would rival Hunger Games or Matrix. Go for it. Rework this piece and let me read it again after you add in more detail.



** Image ID #1913971 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
104
104
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Maryann Author Icon I found your story listed in our power reviewers and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.


Overall Impression
I liked the idea of a trip to another planet.

Setting:
I thought you did a good job describing the terrain and the area where the accident happened.


Plot:
What I missed in the story was the goal of the main Character. The group was going on a trip. While there you gave a conflict that involved the two teachers collapsing, there was some mystery to me about how it happened. I don't think I understood the whole thing of why they got sick.

Suggestions:
I had some trouble reading this because you jumped around form POV to POV. You started writing about SHE and THEY then began writing about I and WE. Then back to 3rd person and in the same paragraphs we jumped back into whomever ME and I were. I suggest you find one POV and stick to it though the whole piece.



*Star*This is a SPECULATIVE SPECTACULAR "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window. Party Review!*Balloonp*
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Review of ONLY IF  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Joy Author Icon ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* As usual you have tickled my funny bone and made me laugh out loud. What an ingenious tale with a surprisingly delightful ending. As I read each bit of conversation between the two men I felt as if I might have been in a ping pong match. The whit and humor was fast and furious.

*Thumbsup* Mr. Humble's goal as a new car salesmen is to complete a sale. Unfortunately he gets a very stubborn customer. You show how he keeps at the sale.

*Thumbsup* Mr. Humble's motivation is to get the points he's been promised when he completes his sale. You have shown him to be innovative and a quick thinker as he answers each of the questions put forth by Mr. Dimmitt.

*Thumbsup* While the poor salesmen has to deal with the list of things Mr. Dimmitt wants on his car, he also has to keep his cool. You have written this piece with such cleverness. I can see the frustation of Mr. Humble yet he gives all the information about the vehicle to Mr. Dimmitt.


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I don't see anything that needs to be changed in this story.

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Parting Comments


Great Job as usual. I always enjoy your stories.


My House of Stark signature
106
106
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, VikramAdith Author Icon ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* Where do I begin to comment on this fantastic story. The depths of your understanding and the words your crafted to bring about this tale are amazing.

*Thumbsup* Your character's goal to interrogate a terrorist was admirable. He has a reputation you gave good foreshadowing to. The reader now has a high expectaion of what will happen. Depending on the background of the reader, they are already thinking of water torture or good cop bad cop scenarios. Yours came across way better.

*Thumbsup* At first I was drawn into the motivation. He sat next to the prisoner to make him feel more at ease. This gave the reader a sense of ease also, letting the motivation of keeping his Diamond status in place.

*Thumbsup* The conflict in this piece isn't action between the two main characters but in the telling of the story. As Babu related this picturesque rendition I forgot what was written at the beginning. The conflict grew in my mind at the telling until the reveal at the end.


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The only thing I had questions about was how Babu knew Usmen wasn't in on the bombing. It isn't revealed how he knew certain things yet was able to get the man to confess.
One suggestion is not to have the bit at the beginning with his family. Having hinm just look at the photos and think about his loving family is enough. If people don't know the truth it keeps the reveal a suspense.

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Parting Comments


An amazing story with a twist.


My House of Stark signature
107
107
Review of She, the mystery.  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, S-J Author Icon ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* This was indeed a mystery about this woman. She woke from long naps with some kind of goal to learn about her surroundings. Time from waking to the end of the piece passed without any difference or detail.

*Thumbsup* She spent most of the day making her cave more comfortable. She was self taught.
Even going over skills that She had learnt over the many years. Including archery. Mostly aiming at non living targets. Yes she was efficient in hunting without any weapon, though sometimes this was cleaner and didn't seem so, 'primal'.

*Thumbsup* . Meat for her was essential, though various plants, roots and fungi made it on the menu as well. Her first meal, of the deer was just part of the necessary way She had to do things. It always seemed to be what her body craved the most after her 'hibernation' I assume this person to be something of a bear type.



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There didn't seem to be any goal to the story. Other than she gave herself a name to denote she was a girl the reader knows almost nothing about her past or future.
There was no motivation to her being there or to what her purpose was.
There was no conflict to keep the reader interested.

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Parting Comments


This felt like notes put into paragraphs to be used later to flesh out another story.


My House of Stark signature
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108
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Keaton Foster: Know My Hell! Author Icon ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* I found your biography well written. It gives enough depth about your life and they type of writer you are.

*Thumbsup* Your testament to how prolific a writer you are is well documented.

*Thumbsup* new fuel to stoke the passionate creative writing fire that burns within him. This line caught my attention. It made me want to be that kind of a writer.

*Thumbsup* I was curious if Darkness Publications was and Indi publisher run by the author.


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There is nothing that I change in the wording. I might for space purposes, link the publications and not show them as a long list. They are impressive.

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Parting Comments


Great job with this bio. I'm going to have to keep it in mind for my next book bio.


My House of Stark signature
109
109
Review of THE LAST SWALLOW  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, RICH Author Icon ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* The picture of the terrain you painted with words had me right there on the stoop. I have seen storms like this come across the plains of the midwest in America. An impressive yet devastating sight.

*Thumbsup* I felt sorry for the swallows and the driving storm.

*Thumbsup* You stold this story with grace and sensitivity. A wonderful tale even to the end. How fitting

*Thumbsup* Quickly the pitter-patter was drowned out by a solid roar of little white ice fiends, smashing ice against steel, slowly causing the green lawn to change to a snow white ice blanket.
 I found this to be an exceptional description.

The swallows started dropping from the sky; some falling with a spiraling action; others, like little down-coated rocks, fell down with folded wings and a little hop ... still; others, going into a dive and never rising again.
The little bodies, disappearing under a fleecy blanket of tiny ice pops, till there was not one swallow left in the sky.
 Here is the second one that I felt described the situation with detail.

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The only things I noticed is the over use of HE. Since the reader knows there is only one person in this viewpoint You could say. Standing on the stoop, watching the Technicolor...
Looking away from the swallows still battling the elements. a dirty grey blanket....


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Parting Comments


IGreat job!


My House of Stark signature
110
110
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, kerrimiller },

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* I had to laugh. A similar incident popped into my mind. I loved the premise. Great plot line.

*Thumbsup* The story unfolded with a good arch of intensiveness. I was pulled along to the end.

*Thumbsup*I loved the intense waiting for the phone call and what the caller said. Her idea she was going to be famous was humerous.

*Thumbsup* Great ending!!!


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I think you can leave the announcement at the beginning off. Just let the reader find out. There is no need to put a spoiler in the beginning.
And this is why I signed up for a contest. That endless month ago. You should tell what she did for the contest. Write a story, Poem? Later you mention something about a sitcom plot but it was vague.
I felt disappointed as her school work seemed to interfere with her life's desire. Especially when she didn't call right away.

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Parting Comments

I had to laugh, as a bored Teen my neighbor and I played a trick on our school friends by telling them they were on a contest. The winner would get to go to England. We did have a winner. The girl we called to tell her she won wasn't home but her brother must have run down the street screaming for her to come home.



My House of Stark signature
111
111
Review of A Final Meeting  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, werden Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* I am interested in reading other's who write about alzheimers patients. You have done a great job describing the grandmother's reactions.

*Thumbsup* Bills fear of what he will see is real. We all want to remember the person as they were. They love guests even when they don't remember who they are. My mother once asked me why I wanted to visit the aunt that wouldn't know me. Was it for me? was it for her because once I was gone she would have no memory of the visit.

*Thumbsup* You showed the reality of her not recognizing Bill yet she regained reality for a moment to remember a time they shared. Even though it wasn't a happy one it was a shared time.

*Thumbsup* You showed the feelings by both persons. How it hurts to remember then not remember. Good job.


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A few editing mentions. You can delete almost all the following words and it won't effect the story. ...drove UP to the parking space. (Up as opposed to down? did she live on a hill? )
Bill silently protested his parents unspoken accusation no -LY words.Most times -LY words aren't necessary. If no one spoke how was this accomplished?
Look at every time you used THE in a sentence. Over used and most times it can be deleted. These are things editors look for.

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Parting Comments


I worte a similar story posted in my port called The Unguarded Truth. Its about the same thing. You have nailed the conversation.


My House of Stark signature
112
112
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ Author Icon },

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* Again you have crafted a humerous story much like I would tell it. Compleste with the cute thrid part references to your mother.

*Thumbsup* You have added spice to the story with trips to the restaurant and other eating establishments which are what interests me.

*Thumbsup* Did I say, swim? That idea died almost instantly. We dragged our aching butts up to our room, showered, and attempted to watch a little television. Realizing it was a lost cause, we shut it off, and tried desperately to block out any trace of light oozing in from whatever crevice in the doorway. We closed the draperies hanging over the sliding doors leading to the balcony and begged God to please blind those annoying, large, bright red LED lights on the clock radio. This time fatigue made it impossible to even notice the sheets were still wrinkled over the crumpled, ill fitting mattress pad when sleep took over.

This paragraph I felt described your time perfectly. As a writer you gifted the reader with all the feelings and emotions of the visit. If this was all you wrote, I would have known immediately what your trip entailed.

*Thumbsup* The idea that you would choose to wash your sheets after you returned home seemed a big undertaking to my way of thought.


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I find that the idea people have only one set of sheets they wash and wait until they are clean and dry then return them to the bed is fanominal. Why? I have a number of sets which I immediately put an new set on while I throw the used ones in a pile for a more convenient day to wash. that way if time is short I know when I fall into bed the sheets are clean and the cleaning is on my time not the sheet's time. *BigSmile*

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Parting Comments



Your story is well written with good thoughts and a great ending.


My House of Stark signature
113
113
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ Author Icon,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* This was hilarious. I love family sotires and you had me on the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen.

*Thumbsup* I loved the suspense you used to entice the reader. me. I love a good story and you here you showed extraordinary skill in tantalizing the reader.

*Thumbsup*I bgan to chuckle then the laugh came. The visual words you used to describe the scene felt as if I were right there.

*Thumbsup* I also felt your ending paragraph a wonderful tool. the gentle admonition and let down after I had a good belly laugh made me feel all warm and fuzzy.


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I suggest you change the font size to a bit larger. My eyes trying to read the bright blue and the tiny print felt a bit of strain. That is it. The only suggestion for this wonderful tale.


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Parting Comments

He started running after that trolley car in such a panic, all the while shrieking parental profanities at the unaware driver. /c} The visual of this line could only appear in a Tim Allen movie. Just the thouse makes me chuckle again,



My House of Stark signature
114
114
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, Ẃeβ࿚Ẃỉtcĥ Author Icon },

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" Open in new Window..


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What I Liked



*Thumbsup* I love a good detective story and the premise you chose started out as a good one.

*Thumbsup* I like the 1930's slang you chose. It fit the mood of the piece and gave the right flavor to keep the reader in the era.

*Thumbsup*You followed the story through to the end with a well thought out ending.

*Thumbsup*Crime stories are a bit harder to write than ome types. There ha to be some sence of urgency. A ticking clock to find the perpetrator or the sense of justice that needs to be provided.


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The piece began well, but as it progressed the stilted language got in the way of the story. I sugget you rewrite the story with Lou's goal, his motivation and the conflict firmly established. Once the story is formed then go back and change a bit of the dialogue.



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Parting Comments


This piece had a lot of telling going on. I'm sure there may have been a word count limit at some time. I'd like to revisit it without the limit to see what you would add to enhance the story.


My House of Stark signature
115
115
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I have chosen at this time forego the formatted review that I usually use. I began reading this out of interest in the promoted contest.
I read through the others and came upon yours. From the beginning I was hooked. My vision of the setting was based on my memory of airplane hangers I'd seen on TV. I pictured a dozen or so men seated, conversing about an odd person in their midst. As farther along I read more detail was revealed and the story had me smiling, then a chuckle then an out right laugh!!!
This is a great story about the odd man out!!
Excellent job of sticking to the prompt and showing it isn't what you always expect.
I hope you win!
116
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Review of Day Two  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Bre Author Icon

Overall Impression
I read the whole story hoping for some realization. Something that would give me purpose for its inception. I found none.
I believe this was written as a catharsis. to ease your mind and heart as well as to justify your continued feelings for this man.

Setting/Plot/Characters
I understood this to be possibly a couch where she may have fallen asleep. It is in her own place not someone else's. My guess the time is present and it seemed as if it may have just happened.
You gave no real description of the setting. As if it held no impertinence, yet I feel it may have been pretty important if you would have looked around. When she fell asleep where had you been? Had this person just discovered his infidelity? She must have still had clothes on because the character grabbed the hoodie but didn't get dressed. I assume she didn't go out with JUST a hoodie on.

Plot:
You wrote this in time Putting the reader right into the story. Telling the reader what was happening. There is no real PLOT here. The story doesn't start somewhere and end having moved the character to another place or changed her in some way. She ended as she started, wanting to sleep.

When you plot a story there needs to be a beginning middle and end, even if its a full circle. The reader needs to be taken on a journey. What you've written is a journal entry. The character knows it all and just want to record it for her own reality.


Characters:
Where is the change? The woman wakes and reality hits her that she has been wounded. It happens to all of us. The reader sympathizes. What you need to do is give the reader more detail. The entire piece is TELLING the reader something but leaving out the important details. Who is she? who is the man who hurt her? how did he hurt her? why should the reader care?
Show how affected she was. She woke to a personalized ring tone and reached out to answer without thinking. The the voice and memory crashed together. She had difficulty hearing the words as the memory of what he'd done filled her mind."
Do you understand the bits of information lead the reader to a conclusion. You never told the reader why he had her wallet.

Suggestions:

I get the point of the story. Its boring with nothing that many readers haven't experienced or read about. Its not different. As My mentor often says to me, "So What?" What is your purpose for writing this? What did the reader learn from this?
Nothing.
I suggest you look at this again and give the reader something to grasp. put in your pain, your anger, your confusion why on one hand you hate him yet when he calls his voice brings back sweet sexy memories. How does this character really feel?


In conclusion:
I think you have good stuff here. Something happened. You want to tell it as it happened, just like it happened. Life is sometimes boring so we need to spice it up for the reader so it doesn't sound like their life. I loved the part at the end where your character realizes that he isn't going to change. How ever I got the impression she didn't change either and will eventually go back to him and he will cheat on her again and again because she will tell herself he really does love her under all his cheating ways.
If thats what you want to tell, then do so. That will get you plenty of response. There will be people trying to "help" you. They will try to change your mind. You will get reaction, so pick your ending.


Power Reviewers
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Review of This and that  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Pen Name Author IconMail Icon ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It could be the story of my life. I could identify with you. It almost read as a poem. I'm not a poetry person yet this seemed more real than a poem.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? It intices the reader to look inward and see reality at its worst and best.
I’ve felt sunshine hold my happiness and warmth one day and be dull and intrusive on the next. a great line.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? This potential is paramount to our happiness and survival; we’re forever nurturing the flame of hope. True warmth will always come from a brotherly embrace and an honest smile! While there is a lot of dismal and darkness in this there is a ray of hope at the end.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Life is full of conflicts. Some for our benefit and others to drag us down. I see both represnted here,
I’ve been swallowed by my own solitude, leaving me feeling like the prisoner who looks up into the night sky through his barred windows; terror has crept in and abated like the rising and falling of so many ancient and slumber-less tides.
Fear not the night young poet, you can only find the rainbow by braving the tempest.

*Pencil* Resolution: One has to seek help to overcome despondency. Its there if you know where to look.



*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing I could see.



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118
118
Review of When I was seven  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Juana Garcia Author IconMail Icon,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I like stories about children. I like looking back in time and seeing what has changed as time goes by. Your story showed your past and how you saw yourself.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? You told about your goals and important incidents with your father and brother. How they made an impact on your life and memories. What you did when you were seven and eight years old.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I'm not sure why you are writing this. You gave no purpose for this tidbit of information. It doesn't follow a complete thought unless this is for a memoir of some kind.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? You have all good feelings and happy thoughts, except for the time you lied and this alone is a bit boring. We've all had good and bad times in our lives. Balancing this makes a good story and keeps people reading as well as wanting more. Some will intentify with you but if all you have are good thoughts you'll get no response.

*Pencil* Resolution: No resolution.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Not really. We have a very one-sided view of you. A snippet of your life with no real substance.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I suggest you rework this as a story.
"At age seven, I had a great life. I and my brother seemed to have my father's entire attention. My mother worked so my father made sure we had his attention.....
My goals often changed. I wanted to be a teacher, then a scientist then a pianist." Then go on to tell what transpired when you sat down to play. Were you any good? Did you know any music? Did you have any lessons?
Later on tell some of the bad things that happened. Not just the lying. Were there concerns due to the economy?

What did having your hair in curlers have to do with anything else you wrote? I think you need to write down all the things you remember. Happy and sad then arrange them in order as to their importance in your life. What did all of these things have to do with shaping you into the person you are today?

If you are writing a diary type memoi, then just jot them down by date and what happened to make them memerable to you.


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119
119
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello prudhviraji My name is Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon and I'm responding to your request for a review of this item

*DropR*Title
I didn't get the title reference to this part of the story. That may come later. I get the last part of it but not the Birth of Necromancy. A bit of a stretch of imagination.
*Dropr* Beginning
It got off to a bang. Lots of action.
*Dropr* Setting
You may want to add a bit more setting. Little bits of information. I.e. He ran his hand over the (color) upholstered arm of his throne. Its little things like that now and then that keep the reader in the story.

*Dropr* Characters
I fel you need to round out the characters. They feel like talking heads. We read what they are saying but they don't act real. With movement and intonation. They speak back and forth.
*Dropr* Goal
The goal is to find the other twin.
*Dropr* Motivation
So far we have a good idea of the goal but not a clear picture if why.
Just that she is a twin to their captive and may have powers needs to be explored more. What will having the two give them? Does one only have half the power and need the other to complete it?
*Dropr* Conflict
We have some aggressive behavior. I'd like to see something that gets in the way if the goal.
*Dropr* The Plot
Pretty basic. Nothing new here. Its an old story done often. So far I don't see any new twist to it.

*Dropr* What I liked
I like the story and characters.
*Dropr* My Suggestions
Watch how often you use "was" "that" "were" other passive words.
Also you do a lot of Telling. You are the author. Let your characters tell the story. Don't jump in a feed the reader information.


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120
120
Review of An Ordinary Stone  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello von Garrett Author Icon
My name is Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon and I'm responding to your request for a review of "An Ordinary Stone" Open in new Window.

*DropR*Title I'm not sure what the title has to do with the story as there is only a small mention of the stone. Some times the stone plays a larger role in the story later one.

*Dropr* BeginningYour first paragraph is not grabbing me. there is an over use of the -LY words that do nothing to enhance the story. If taken out the story isn't lost. Your first line or so should grab my attention. You might want to start with the Last line. Hera didn't want to be caught out late. The streets were ruled by Vulnish soldiers that not only would be surprised if they caught her, but she'd have to explain to the king, her father why she had escaped the castle. This tells the reader right away there is a problem and she's not the stay at home type.

*Dropr* SettingMy guess this is early times. No use of modern weaponry, instruments or transportation,

*Dropr* CharactersHera seems to be the daughter of a king of some land. She likes to defy convention and has found a way to visit a wise woman who isn't so wise. Maybe a good cook but all she does is hand her a stone with no explanation other than to tell her to use the powers she has been developing to move it.
A few paragraphs down we read she is being handed off to a man to marry and meets him. She has an instant dislike of him and uses her magic on him him only to turn around and heal him. A bit of a conundrum here. The boy whispers witch. Why? because she healed him or cursed him? He can't know of the latter because she did nothing nor said anything to let on she had any powers.

*Dropr* GoalI'm not sure what Hera's goal is. No where in this piece does she let on as to what she WANTS. Why is she going in secret to learn to use her magic? What is the consequence if anyone knew? Other than the obvious she'd be labeled a witch. What standing does anyone have in this era who might have magic?
She must marry. Is this book going to be a romance? Does she find the man worthy of her? if so when does she confront the king with her decision?

*Dropr* MotivationWithout a goal I have no motivation that will keep her moving to the end. Basically you could end the story here and it would be ok.

*Dropr* ConflictYou have a good start with conflict between her and Drosvu. He is arrogant with tradition and social standing on his side. He acted as any man would in this circumstance. Here too you throw actions at the reader that youve' not led up to. Other than the fact she defied her station to sneak out, she never acted like this before. She didn't indicate she didn't like the idea al that much. but to say she'd meet the boy. She thought about gardens and shrubs not going to live with a man she'd never met and didn't know how she'd be treated. You have to think like a woman of this era. She didn't fret over the idea, get upset or even talk to the wise woman or her trusted servant or mother. Oh Does she have one living? If not what happened to her?

*Dropr* What I likedI like stories of magic and women who will defy tradition to find their own way. I like a woman not afraid to stand up for herself.

*Dropr* My SuggestionsI mention a lot of things that aren't working in the above portions. I think you have a good basic outline, but this one piece could be broken into about three chapters. The reader needs to know who she is, what her station is and what she WANTS. This will be the change in this story. How is she going to get what she wants? What is most important to her? the magic or defying her father over a man?
You have to decide what Point of View you are going to use. If this is just from Hera's POV, then all actions have to be what she sees, hears, or assumes to be true. You cannot drop other character's thoughts, observations or actions she can't see into this story. If you have a second main character, then when you are writing from their POV then their thoughts, actions and observances are the only thing the reader will read.

My review has been submitted in"Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window.


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121
121
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear charlie55 Author IconMail Icon ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love family history. I love reading the details of the lives lived in the past and using them in a parallel to my own family history. You brought the Stoller family to life with the details of their lives and event of their days. I thorughly enjoyed reading this family history.

*Pencil* What is the goal? Writing this account of the Stoller family hid such detail was amazing. From their life in Europe to California you gave good detail.

*Pencil* Why did you write this story? I understand wanting to document your family's history. the style in which you wrote needs a little more work, along with the placement of information. More of that later.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? This family endured a lot. They are a true testiment of courage and led by a man with good sense. How you brought out his decisions to run for government and then invest in the stock market were very interesting to me. I have no idea about these things in my own family history. I wonder how you came to know all these details.

*Pencil* Resolution: An amazing recounting of a man's life from before his birth to his death at the age of 98.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Henry Stoller is described in first person. The reader doesn't get a description of himself, but there is a picture. What we see is a man through his actions. He describes all the events some in detail others in generality.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Here is the only things I would like you to look at and work on. Tenses. past and present. You tend to jump around. Its very hard to write in first person about the past. Because you aren't Henry you are You the author, you got in the way. You are writing this as if he were telling a story to his grandkids. I like the idea, but it doesn't stay true. I would suggest YOU the author tell the story about this man. You have more freedom to elaborate.
You use present tense when it should be past.

Your first paragraph is very confusing. I had to read it a number of times and I still don't understand. I'd like you do redo it and start with the parents, and work down, not backwards. Just tell the about Dominick and Margarth. They lived and worked not only as individual families, but as a group of close knit people. Dominick lost his first wife (name) after they had four girls. Since he couldn't raise them by himself, his in-laws offered to take in girls, splitting them up. ( don't tell about the girls not moving back until you tell about his marriage)
New paragraph: Tell about how Henry met a widow with sons. Don't start with a reference to MY Mother's first husband. That is outside the perameter of what youve been telling. This is a new part.
At this time It wasn't necessary to love one another. What was necessary was to have a respect for one another and some admiration. Love came after you were married. If love didn't come you worked for the common good, but didn't have more children. My father met a widow and married her bringing (# of children) to the family. Now at this time with a wife and blended family he wanted his daughters to join them. He was sad, but understood they were now established in their homes and didn't want to move somewhere they were unfamiliar with. (we don't need to know this widow has a deceased daughter by her first husband. That is another family story not yours. I'd leave it out.
Then you jump to the grandfather. I would start with this paragraph tell the past leading up to the marriage and then introduce Henry. What happened between his birth and 13? if nothing interesting just tell who he was born to and that during this time in 1871 all this happened and in 1872 his family moved to America.
A lot of what you tell is what you know. The use of cities in the Dakota's is confusing when a reader is trying to thinl Moscow, Dakota not Moscow Russia. Be sure to use comma's between city and states,
I loved your paragraph about "73.
We had a little girl that died for Jacob D. Muahlbeier that didn't take the trip from South Russia well. /c}This makes no sense. Who is WE? You need to rework this paragraph along with the later part of the one before and after.
The rest of what you wrote has changed styly to read like a diary. I needs to be one style or the other. I suggest you use the diary style as its easier to follow.





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122
122
Review of The Next Victim  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Joy Author IconMail Icon

This review is for Game of Thrones

*Quill* Goal of Main Character: To find out why her friend's husband and brother-in-law were killed. Cassie is with the LAPD and is Lillian's friend. I think Lillian suspects something isn't right, but she's too close to the situation and called Cassie in to look things over.

*Quill* Motivation: There were too many questions. Cassie didn't trust Tane and the more she got to digging the more she found.

*Quill* Setting: Tahiti. The pearl business and the police station. You kept the movement close and easy to follow.

*Quill* Conflict: There was a good amount of conflict. Since this is a short story you had to move quickly. We had two dead men that were brothers and an acquaintance that died under unusual circumstances. Cassie as an outsider had to quesiton people on the sly. It wasn't untill the revealation that you knew what she'd been doing.

*Quill*Resolution: The killers were caught and Cassie went home. I wasn't real pleased about this ending. It needs some work

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I like a good mystery. I l ike a good detective mystery. You gave me both. As I am a little unfamiliar with Tahiti some of the things threw me off. Atolls, it took a few times repeating it before I figured out it has something to do with pearls and maybe their beds? I love the way you told the story through Cassie's Point of View yet Lillian told her story too. I liked the way to wove the murders and how they were caught. Very well done.

*Quill* What Needs Work: The only think thing that would have made this a little better is the end. I would have liked to see Lillian thank Cassie, Offer her the neckless and the police offer her a job. Handshakes all around then Lillian riding in the limo to the airport, "What will you do now? Cassie asks. You the author will need to tell that. I know you will come up with something good to bering the end to a better feel. It jumped from the telling at the plicestation to Cassie on the airplane. A lot happened between.

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Review of The Tenth Opus  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Joy Author IconMail Icon

This review is for Game of Thrones /b}

*Quill* Goal of Main Character: Walter wants to write his tenth movement. He has writeen music before and is known for his ability. He's a bit afraid of doing the Tenth Movement. To him there are greater gains by writing the music than the fear of what might happen if he doesn't.

*Quill* Motivation: Like a writer, the music is in him. Its there but not always in key or the melody may be off beat. When he hears a melody that touches him he responds orchestrating the Tenth in moments.

*Quill* Setting: A subway cab.(im not sure what that is and why its different than a subway car) It moves to the concert hall and then to his reception.

*Quill* Conflict: At first we hear about the dreadedCurse of the Ninth. It seems after writing the Ninth movement many musiic writers passed on soon after. He's afraid to write it, yet he's compelled to see if he can beat the cures. Like any writer he thinks of the curse as a mystical peice of fiction or coincidence. Is it?

*Quill*Resolution: He expires

*Quill* My Overall Impression: I love most music and as I am currently in practice for a big concert that will be viewes by thousands accross the world I know the fear of failure and getting it right. I read, anxious to know if he indeed writes the Tenth Movement will he be able to continue. While I enjoyed the first two thirds, when it got to the mytholigical aspect, I got a little lost. I did think it a well thought out story.

*Quill* What Needs Work:Nothing that I could see.

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124
124
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear 🌖 HuntersMoon Author IconMail Icon,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: As a senior I read the poem with a little apprehension. Curious to see what insight you could give on grey hair. I found my thoughts paralleled yours. I wasn't hampered by overt rhyming. I was caught up in the reminising.
It’s true. I can’t do all I did –
well, not as fast as in the past –
when I was young and just a kid
but I enjoy more, in contrast. How true this is. While I look back and see what I accomplished, I find the same things are more enjoyable when shared with those of a like mind, not encoumbered with small voices interrupting.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To impart truisims on the subject of of old age.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? His daughter called and asked how he was. This brought on some retrospect on aging.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? This was more about the positives of aging and not the downside of it.

*Pencil* Resolution: I’ve learned to never hesitate,
to live each moment of each day. What a great thought and admonition. One's age gives a freedom of adventure that a younger person might have more caution.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing. I don't know much ab out poetry. I know what I like to read and memorize. The rest is a mystery known only to a few insightful people.



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125
125
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear ♥HOOves♥ Author IconMail Icon,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: WHAT A HOOT!! I've not read your stories before and I loved it. You hoofed my interest right away and I kpet reading to find out what was going to happen. I had a bit of trepidation as I've read other things that lean clearly toward another line. When I read to the end I felt releived and my smile spread even wider, if that's possible. I could honestly see Hooves making his/her way back down the sidewalk to the street and on home. Great job!

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Hooves had an assignment. A trip to the Post Office for stamps and to mail a letter. What was discovered there followed a quaint and amusing "tail."

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Most of my line companions are used to seeing me out and about, running endless errands for my human. So, I attract little, if any, notice. The cow has a job and takes the job seriously. There is a dedication to duty here that is akin to humans.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Hooves meets a number of conflicts, least of all a long line caused by a removal of the stamp machine. I was curious how Hooves would "man"ouver the machine verses buying the stamps from the clerk. (A side note there.) The conflicts added to the storyline and the conversations intersperced kept the story moving.

*Pencil* Resolution: Stamps and purse in place Hooves, hoofs it home. What a great story! I love reading it.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? What I loved about this story is called Anthropomorphism. I had never heard of it before I atteneded a writers group. Even though I can't pronounce it, I knew what it was. You have written an excellent piece using this technic. Having done so myslef I see the art of using animals with human traits as an excellant tool to drive story and humor.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: The only think that stuck out to me is the repeated "Bless your Heart." Once was enough, It didn't work for me in the second conversation. BYH means "you didn't succeed try again." or "Your attempt was appreciated." Neither place worked but I do see people saying BYH as a greeting, but not a usual greeting.
That is about the only thing that stuck out as I read it.



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