*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
Review Requests: OFF
1,485 Public Reviews Given
1,947 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 3 -4- 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 ... Next
76
76
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Dear Flying Fox

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I liked the idea. At least what I thought it might be. The synopsis hooked me to read the beginning. I could tell it was going to be a story about a farming community and someone disappearing.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? At the first paragraph the setting and basic plot appeared to be given to the reader up front. No real hook.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? There is no motivation in the prologue. In fact this back story isn't even needed. This can actually start with chapter 1 and bits and pieces from the prologue could be inserted to bring the reader into the story.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? We get that Farmer Johnson, and the deputy have been killed by some black shadow with glowing eyes. Pretty basic. No surprises. We know the killer.

*Pencil* Resolution: End of chapter 1 we find out who the MC is Budsworth: We see his partner is killed in a shoot out that has nothing to do with the story. Unless the object is for him to have a new partner. Hmm One can hope.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Not really. They are introduced. They have a backstory. There is a set up of a shadow creature that is killing?


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Without rewriting everything I'd say you need to re-plot the story within the idea.
1) delete the prologue. Its not necessary. You can tell this story in brief form when the guy tells Budsworth about it in the hospital. No need for detail he will discover details when he goes out to the house. If you write what he finds in a later chapter now you have a duplicate story. Unnecessary.
2) a pin is something that has a sharp end. a pen when used with animals is where they are housed. You'll need to fix that.
3) We know the goal is to find what killed Farmer Johnson and the deputy, The motivation will probably be to keep it from killing again, which it will. The conflict, I hope, will be the times Budsworth comes in contact with the shadow and how he finds a way to kill it. The resolution will be the final confrontation and the shadow is defeated. At least that's how I see it.
The question will be if I see the story at this point, do I need to read it? What can you do to change my perception so I have no idea what's going to happen and will want to read to find out.
CLUE: Without the prologue I'm in the story with Budsworth. I'm looking for the killer just as he is. I only will know what he knows and as a reader I'm curious to find out who is killing people.... Don't tell me the story before it starts.


*TeaV*A Proud Member of the PAPER DOLL GANG REVIEWERS *TeaV*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
77
77
Review of A Glass of Water  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Ptc
 A Glass of Water  (E)
"Every character in your story should want something, even if its just a glass of water."
#2145386 by Ptc


*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The tag line caught my eye. I thought I was going to read some article about writing. What I got was a lot more.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? We all have goals. When writing we need to show that every character wants something. Indeed, you showed this man's desire in a particular manner.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Even when we're thirsty its a desire. What we do to satisfy that desire is the story. It may be just inches away or miles, we need the determination to reach that goal. Why? Are we thirsty? Water is sustenance, without it we die. What more motivation is that?

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Here is what really caught my attention. Having a goal and a motivation is one thing, but a story relies on what keeps our character from reaching that goal. What's a story if the guy got out of his chair took the glass of water, drank it, set it down and sat back in his chair? SO WHAT? That's not a story its a scene direction. You gave the reader a conflict that causes each of us to recoil. We cringe at the thought and in our minds are reaching to help him. My heart went out to him.

*Pencil* Resolution: I'm not giving the plot away. Even the ending was a conflict of nature. It struck my heart in a way that only one who has had another in their care can empathize.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Oh Yes. We can clearly see the man in the scene unfold. Each paragraph draws us to continue. Will he get the water? His efforts reveal his situation and the reader is right with him and his determination.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Nothing. This was an excellent Showing not Telling piece. I hope to read more from you in this coming year.


*TeaV*A Proud Member of the PAPER DOLL GANG REVIEWERS *TeaV*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
78
78
Review of Bible Trivia  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (2.0)
The quiz said I got 11/15 but when i check the correct answers I got them all right. HUMM??
79
79
Review of Why I Believe  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Blind Faith- Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
That sounds like blind faith to me.
*BigSmile*
80
80
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Denine

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: The story moved at a good pace. It kept me interested, wondering what would happen next. I like the premise of the story and I think it will appeal to the Tween set.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Here is where I had a question. What is his purpose? Is he going to become a love interest to Jennifer? Is she just passing in the story? What problem does he need to solve, or change he needs to help make? Is it about revenge?

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Since I don't know his goal, I don't know what motivates him. All these things happen to him but for what reason? He starts out liking Jennifer. At first I thought maybe he would work at becoming more responsible to gain her favor. That didn't happen. So again, the goal of the main character needs to be set at the beginning. Maybe his goal is to hang around until the Devil shows up and asks him to do something. That will be boring and no one will wait that long.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Here is where you excel. You love to drive the story with action. You have a good set up and it follows through with good movement and realistic action. We see conflict between almost everyone. I don't see anyone in the story that will be his mentor, sidekick or romantic interest. You've laid out the groundwork for some of them. I'd be interested to see what happens next.

*Pencil* Resolution: N/A

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Yes to some degree. We know Kyle comes from a home that isn't healthy. He's lost both his mother and sister. He's rebelling by doing bad in school. He seems to be smart but doesn't want to draw attention to himself by getting good grades. Its something most adults have seen or experienced. Jennifer is a bit iffy. I thought she was a pretty airhead, then she stood up to Josh. I'm not sure when the change came about, but it was sudden and made the story take an abrupt detour for me. I don't know enough about Ari but she seems a bit different and odd. Why didn't Kyle question her more? He seemed to be to accepting of everything that happened. I saw no inner turmoil or thought process of consequences.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I wasn't reading for anything but story. You didn't have passive voice, which kept me reading. I suggest you find places to insert Kyle's name. By the time I ended the story and began this review, I had to go back and find what his name was. "I" became his name. You need to have more people say his name throughout the story so its not forgotten.


*TeaV*A Proud Member of the PAPER DOLL GANG REVIEWERS *TeaV*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
81
81
Review of The Scream  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, ToeStubber },

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" .


*CheckP* Hello, I am Quick-Quill , the title and description of this story aroused my curiosity.

*CheckR* My First Thoughts: I chose this with some trepidation. I've read the series "The Boy Called IT" I wasn't sure what I was about to read. I'm sorry that it didn't meet my expectations. I know there is more to this story, but it lacked a connection to the reader.

*CheckG* My Favorite Part: I can't say favorite as this isn't a sweet story. I like how you described David's first howl in paragraph five. This being said, I wish you would have given the reader more detail. The "glossing" over of what transpired with David is over taken by the details about the staff. How they felt, or reacted should be about fifty fifty in relation to what David experienced.

*Check* My Final Thoughts and/or Suggestions: One of the things that makes the disconnect with the reader; is writing in past tense. It's a personal preference, but your use of passive voice bothered me more. Look at this piece and remove all the "had", "was", "would" ,"and then"and "were" words. These filler words don't allow the reader to get close to the characters.
One moment you write that David let loose his howl... (present tense) In the next sentence you talk about how he would go for days without and outburst. (past tense)

If you didn't tag this above about it being an abused child, there was very little about the abuse. You have the Doctors fixing torn skin and cuts, but no explanation about how it might have happened.
In conclusion this is a story. by example you might have said, a child came to the hospital with cuts and brusies
A plot would have said : a child came to the hospital with cuts and brusies because he'd been left at the ER ramp, broken and the result of life threathening abuse. That is a plot.






My House of Stark signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
82
82
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Rasputin },

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" .


*CheckP* Hello, I am Quick-Quill , the title and description of this story aroused my curiosity.

*CheckR* My First Thoughts: The first line hooked me since I'd just been through two knee replacements with my daughter. The criteria of the 100 lbs wasn't given to her. I wondered how you decided to lose the weight. I felt ready to cheer you on to your goal. I didn't realize how easy it would be.

*CheckG* My Favorite Part: I like the title because it suggested a theme yet how could this be simple? Your response to the doctor gave me a smile. I need to lose about 50 lbs. I think I should just open the door and shoo the dog out. she's 20 lbs and that would about do it.
Your writing is good for this type of humor. The timing and quick punch line shows me you are good a telling jokes. Its a special talent as you know. Writing with good timeing is a must and I fell you have mastered that,

*Check* My Final Thoughts and/or Suggestions: I love your sense of humor. In this day and age, its what kwwps us sane. I'm sure your Doctor has retold that story to a few of his patients.




My House of Stark signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
83
83
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, NeedingBeachDuf 🐠⛵🏝️ I found your story here in your contest port and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.

Overall Impression
I began the story because I wondered at the final words of a priest and condemned man. I had mixed expectations. Would it be the trite Priestly form or more personal. I felt slightly vindicated that it was more than just pat words to the dying man.

Setting/Plot/Characters

Plot:
The dialog moved along with a point. I felt it was trying to convey deep spiritual thought. The conversation was at times hard to remember who was talking as I read each question, answer and thought.

Characters:

I did not identify with either character. I got a sense the condemned man had come to terms with his crime and asked for forgiveness. Somehow the priest didn't seem quite sure it was enough. Following the dialog I'm not sure the point of it. Who learned what? Was anything settled between the two?


In conclusion:
I think you had a good handle on the scope of the contest. I felt you had a particular thought you wanted to tell, but somehow, for me, it didn't come across. In the end I didn't have any feeling either way for the condemned man or the priest. They may as well had shaken hands through the bars and both said, "Good luck I enjoyed our conversations." The end. I wanted more.

A group name sig for WDC Power to use in their reviews


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
84
84
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Dear P. Parker

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Nice Character names. There was no story to like. This was a filler piece.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? None. There was no main character, no goal no purpose for this piece.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? None. What is the point of this pieces?

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The bust of someone is being moved from place to place for no reason. when it breaks I hoped it would reveal something inside for the detective to find...? no such luck.


*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? no. They are names and have a street dialect.They offer nothing to move the story forward.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: First of all the first sentence had a big flag for me "WAS" This tells me you don't know what a passive sentence is and that it throws a reader off.
There is no build up to the story. No foreshadowing of anything that may have happened or is going to happen. What was the purpose of moving the bust? busy work? Then say so. I kept reading hoping you would reveal some story the detective was working on. I didn't find it. You could cut this whole thing out and nothing would be missed. However to be fair I went to read Episode 1 and the same thing began there. This is a love story between a bunch of gay guys. You've set the reader up to think this is going to be a detective story with a real crime. Episode 1 falls flat. Its a scene where a guy gets hot on a guy while his partner is rejected for no reason.
You need to fill the reader in on the basics.
Look at #2 question and fill it out. GOAL, Motivation and Conflict. What you have written is all the filler pieces to make the story interesting after the main theme is presented.
When writing start with the outline in RED and then use what you've written to flesh out the story and move the romance along. Let me know if you don't understand this and I will help.


*TeaV*A Proud Member of the PAPER DOLL GANG REVIEWERS *TeaV*
85
85
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Medjay

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: For once a historical grabbed my attention at the beginning. I read this because you wanted feedback or I might have given up. I kept reading to see where the story went. I like the premise of this story. The first part gives me hope. By the end I lost interest.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To get to Egypt to return the golden key. You told the reader that right at the beginning. BAM we got the goal.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? He's a priest and its his duty, his mission. If he fails...the kingdom will fall. You told the reader all this also.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? You've told us right away a General is following him. He's been shot in his Achilles heel so to speak. Then you have some good conversation when he's about to be captured. He's rescued.


*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? At first you start to develop the characters. You do too much telling. YOU TELL the reader what they should know and what the characters are thinking instead of letting the reader discover it on their own.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: First of all This should be broken into a couple of chapters. I think you have enough promise in the first part to make it a whole chapter. Tute is running, give more description of his whereabouts, the challenge that got him here. Start with how Arshudan found him, found out about his goal. How did he get injured and keep running so far ahead? did he have a camel that was injured also and dies leaving him in the sand? He may have hid a number of times to evade detection? If you want the reader to believe his has power from the gods then you have to have them protect him.
          You need to fix the spacing and divide the conversation. At the bottom of the page where you edit click on ADVANCED here you can change the spacing to double between paragraphs.
When he is captured there is conversation that seems unrealistic. They talk? I don't think so. Unless Arshudan fears the wrath of the gods and you show that, its the only reason he isn't picked up and the clothing torn from him and the key found. Now what if the key is found and he's left for dead. THEN this new guy shows up and rescues Tute. Tute tells about the Arshudan so off they go to capture him. They meet and all that you wrote between the two men happen.
When Netherbara shows up its sudden, with out warning or announcement. In the dessert, unless they are I some kind of canyon, Arshudan's men would have warned him. His entrance to the story needs to be reworked.
The fight is boring. It needs more drama. They fought they won and the loser had their hands cut off, the bellowed and that was all that happened. Is that what you like in a epic movie? Think of all the big movies like this, the fight scenes are what men read about.
I didn't understand the whole ending. You went back to telling the reader a bunch of stuff that was confusing. It would have been better revealed at some later point when he calls on the gods and then the appearing of some god from Tute's chest.
How did Netherbara's jaw break as he bowed down? Did some one hit him?

Now here we are with a new goal, a statue is stolen and what about the key? He hasn't delivered the key to Babylon, he hasn't saved Egypt. Stick to one thing. Write it well. Write a beginning (no prologue) middle and end. Try ending it when Netherabra and Tute deliver the key. What happens there? What might at the end happen if someone else tries to stop them? Does Netherabra become his champion so to speak?
What happens after that might be for your book II




*TeaV*A Proud Member of the PAPER DOLL GANG REVIEWERS *TeaV*
86
86
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Lecters Protege

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read with curiosity about the betrayal. I was immediately drawn into the story and it had a good ending.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This woman planned to kill her fiance.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? He'd cheated on her and she became judge, jury and executioner.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? There isn't any. She has no remorse or second thoughts. Not even the thought of what might happen if she gets caught.

*Pencil* Resolution: None. He dies she walks away

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? No. We see the action from the killer's point of view and no details other than the betrayal is given.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I feel the story lacks depth. Its told with no feeling and lots of telling not showing. The POV changes and is distracting.
Tell how she's feeling, what she sees and hears. When you flash back be more detailed about what happened. How did she discover them. The segue into the thought process to get where she is now. No one ever jumps from love to murder without a process of some kind. If you have a wordcount limit then delete the telling portions and only real the important facts.



*TeaV*A Proud Member of the PAPER DOLL GANG REVIEWERS *TeaV*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
87
87
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, drifter I found your story here Read & Reviews link and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.


Overall Impression
I have had some dealings with Alzheimer victims. I read this with hope and that's what I got. I felt inspired renewed and want to sher this with others that are going through similar situations.

Plot:
This article was written by someone who has been around those who are gripped with the disease an those helping them. The story behind this and the bullet points were given from the heart with the admonition to anyone who might travel that same pathway.
You give the reader a step inside the real world of carrying for a patient with Alzheimer's. This is a serious situation that many of us either have to face or will be the one getting the care.


Suggestions:
I have no suggestions to word this better. I think you did a fine job. My only addition would be a summary at the end. A wrap-up as all sermons have. Tie the beginning to the end. That's it.


A WDC Power Reviewers sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
88
88
Review of The Lotto  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Mike I found your story listed on the Shameless plug page and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.

Overall Impression
I liked the story. Even thought it read predictable, I loved the idea I knew where it was going.

Setting:

Most of the action took place in the house. Her travels to work had little to do with what went on.

Plot:
You had a beginning, introducing the characters. A middle where you set up the husband's action and the end where you tied all the strings. That much of the story felt well thought out.

Characters:

Here you have some work to do. I'm at odds with your character's actual actions. Having been in a verbally abusive situation, her actions and his seem at odds. Not that she was hurt or that he was sorry afterwards. The reason for both actions is muddied by your interpretation of them.

She reacted too mild to the comments. Other than crying the reader didn't FEEL her pain. His reactions to her and his being sorry isn't enough to normally cause the action he took. I'd look a bit more into the disease and his anger at it. He takes his real pain out on her verbally since he thinks she doesn't understand what he's going through. This brings the reader into to why he takes the action he did. We don't sympathize with him. There is no anger at him because he just acts.
You tell a lot of what's going on and their feelings instead of SHOWING it in their words.
“I work hard and long for my pay and tips, I should be able to spend a bit on whatever I want”
she muttered under her breath, knowing she was throwing fuel on his fire if he would hear her.
A suggestion. "I work hard for my pay and tips." She leaned her knuckles on the table, far enough away he couldn't hit her, but where she could show him how she felt. "If I want to spend two lousy dollars on a lotto ticket then so be it." See how different action can be without telling the reader what she thought?

Suggestions:
Above I mentioned the couple's reactions. You need to take them apart more.
Beside that you have a lot of passive voice in your writing which leaves the reader out of the story. More as a disinterested observer. You want to write so the reader is grabbed by the neck, hauled into that room to hear and feel what is going on. "Was", "went", "Should" and "had" are over used. Cut them and see if that doesn't tighten the story a little.

example: She wiped the tears from her eyes, knowing that as has become customary, she'll straighten her makeup on the bus ride to work. The morning started and was ending in the usual manner. Everything was fine for a while then it all degenerated into a one sided fight. It was always the same fight, about money. He was concerned that she was spending money they didn't have to spend on things they didn't need to spend it on.
You also have a problem with Tenses. Some places you write in past tense. -ed others you use present tense -s. Chose what tense you are writing in. Is it happening as the reader is reading it? or are you telling it as it happened in the past?

He reached down and picks up her pocket book and sets on the table for her, just trying to help out a bit, when he notices a pink and white lotto ticket stuck down the side pocket. REACHED is past the rest of the sentence is present. Picks/ he picked up, notices/ noticed and so on.
You started with her on a bus. Start with the fight.

In conclusion:
I like where the plot went, there is just a lot of details in TELLING a story you need to work on. Its not hard to fix if you chose to do the work.
A WDC Power Reviewers sig
89
89
Review of Ruthless  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello ! I just finished reading your posting

Overall Review: I loved it. You had action, character build up and a great finish.

What is the goal or purpose? I liked the way you subtly told what Cindy's job was and how much she like it.

Is there a motivation? She didn't need much motivation other than she had a god job and I assume she liked her pay

What are the conflicts? Ah, here is the jib. She didn't have conflicts until the end. When one loves their job they never go to work.

What I Liked: It was short, to the point and followed what makes a great story.

What Needs Work: nothing


** Image ID #2111179 Unavailable **
90
90
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, pollianna I found your story here read and review and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.

Overall Impression
The story felt as if it were just a moment in time. At first I felt sorry for the girl, but her actions or lack of reason for them kept me out of the story.


Setting/Plot/Characters

Setting:

There was no real description of the time, place or setting. I wasn't able to put the girl into complete setting. She started out in a room with a closet and went to school, then ended up somewhere else. This piece was too short on description to pull me into the action.

Plot:

There wasn't much of a plot here. It had no goal for the girl to achieve. There didn't seem to be any motivation for her actions. She reacted to situations, but with no background information it seemed out of place. There was no conflict. The fact she tried to kill herself then went right to school put her at odds with the reader who most likely knows that isn't the way things are done in real life. If this wasn't a real life situation, there was no setting to tell the reader that.

Characters:

Here is another place that can use some work. I didn't get a sense of the girl's age other than she was in school. Twelve to seventeen covers a lot of maturity that isn't shown.
The fact her ex boyfriend did something that upset her enough for her to want to kill herself left me wondering what it was? How bad could it really have been?
I just read in the news about a young boy who hung himself when he read his girlfriend pranked her friends that she committed suicide. On hearing this, he tried to contact her and her friends played along with her prank. He then hung himself because he thought she was dead. This small illustration shows how to tell a story with some beginning, middle and end.

Suggestions:

First of all you need to write in paragraphs. Complete sentences. You will also need to learn how to write dialogue. this will go a long way to getting better reviews.
The next thing to work on is setting the goal for your main character, then give her some motivation and then insert conflict to keep people reading.
I'm not sure what you wanted to say in this piece. You left out too many key things to keep the reader reading.

In conclusion:
If you want a more detailed review on how to make this piece better, just ask. I can show you how to craft this story and others you write by giving you an easy formula as I stated above.

A WDC Power Reviewers sig
91
91
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Timothy Sam This review is in respose to your request.

Overall Impression
The title and blurb hooked me. In this day and age I'm somewhat skeptical of reading political pieces, but I took a chance. This piece has great potential. I loved the premise.

Setting/Plot/Characters

Setting:

The fact you set this in a congressional bathroom had me smiling. The introduction to the setting felt real and had me wondering if this was going to be a horror story, paranormal or a real conversation. You gave good descriptions of the setting all through the piece.

Plot:
I searched for the goal of the main character. Reading on to find what he wanted, I felt like I was dropped into the middle of something. This wasn't a bad thing. It kept me reading and wondering which is good for a writer.
There was plenty of conflict in this bit. I loved the banter. The motivation wasn't revealed to the end. Good job there.

Characters:

You built these characters with finesse. I could picture both. More so Dick rather than Tom. Their conversation and thoughts gave the reader a pretty good idea where they both stood, as far as the political scene went. The questions asked seemed almost iniquitous, but there was more not said than said.

Suggestions:
I have a few things I feel need to be addressed. First is the POV. You jump around from character to character. This makes following the story difficult. YOU know who is talking, but the reader has to stop and figure it out. I suggest you stick to Tom's point of view and leave out Dick's. On the other hand if you write this as third person omniscient, YOU tell the story as if you are invisible, watching and hearing both of them talk. Internal thoughts often distracted from the story.
You TOLD parts of the story. For Dudley, who forgot his lapel pin at home, the pieces all locked into place. His mind pondered into the magnitude of being in the U.S. Capitol Here is a good example. This whole paragraph is telling the reader something Dudley would be thinking at this time. Dudley fingered his lapel. He'd forgotten his lapel pin again. His smile didn't reach his eyes, not an uncommon sight around the capitol these days. You don't need to tell his politics, the ending does it for you. You want to spout your ideals, then have him say so in the conversation. Remember, what is the point of the story, your political idea or this story? Pick one and stick to it.
Dudley's eyes widened. The revelation hit him like a freight train with enormous ripples and crescendos. "You mean...you had an affair with Melinda...the Senator's wife? "Here is another place you, the writer, get into the story. The revelation hit him like a freight train with enormous ripples and crescendos. This doesn't need to be told. The widened eyes and the following sentence tell the story. To me, this jaded man wouldn't be surprised at anything. Why should this revelation shock him this much?
My suggestion is more of a "heard it all" attitude but digging in to find out the details.


In conclusion:
I really like this story. I like where it started and where it ended. A little more work on the rapier point of conversation and character interaction will make it great. I woud love to read the revised edition.

A WDC Power Reviewers sig
92
92
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Grayson Moon This review is in response to your request.

Overall Impression
This first section of your story is illuminating. I'm immediately thrown into an accident with a girl. This story is told from her point of view. I'm fearful for her as I read her brother and father have been attacked by some man with a knife. She alone is spared. Why?

Setting/Plot/Characters

Setting:

The immediate setting is well defined. Its kept to the mini van the family travels in. You don't tell us where they left only where they were headed. The visual of where they are could be better identified. What did she remember of the accident? we only know there was one, what does she remember? Was she sleeping?
What time of day is this? I don't get a sense of real time? She could look at her watch, and try to figure how long she had been unconscious.


Plot:
This is just a beginning. You haven't established a goal yet. This needs to be added to the end of this chapter. What is she going to do? Try to go to her mom? What is is going to tell the authorities when she gets somewhere she can use her phone? What is the goal of this story? It needs to be established in the first chapter.

Characters:
This is very limited. We know Ollie must be a teenager, her brother is dead and her father dying. She has a mother somewhere but why are they on vacation apart?


Suggestions:
You write like you talk. This is hard to tell you but you have to write with out using words like, SO and too many 'said' 'says.'

I touch my forehead. Blood. There's blood on my face. How did it get there? And the smell. That suffocating iron smell....
My surroundings spin. A mix of gray and white watercolors paint my vision. No wait, there's red. There's red everywhere.
I know what you want to say, but its too literal. It should read more like this I touch my throbbing forehead and peer at my finger in the semi darkness. Blood. How did it get there? There is a smell of iron. My eyes can't focus and I close them against the nausea and spinning. If her eyes are closed against the spinning she isn't going to see colors.

I scream until my throat is sore, but no amount of screaming can drive away this nightmare. Scrambling back against the minivan window, I accidentally kick Marco's body in the seat over. Is he dead? I can't see straight. Rain bullets hitting the car muddle my thoughts. The sound of rain usually comforts me, but now it’s boxing me in.If she just sat there and screamed until her throat was sore why did she stop? This doesn't usu sally happen. There is a long scream until reality sets in and the scream turns to sobs of fear. This is paragraph number two and you haven't told the reader what the nightmare is. She can scream at the end when she has to leave the van and the nightmare starts.
Long black hair sticks to my face, either from the blood or the tears. How does she know this? Here is where you are mixing points of view. You the writer are telling the reader that the character wouldn't care about or even think of in this situation. Nor would she think of killing herself if her dad is dead. That's being over dramatic in this situation. She's scared. Her first thoughts are for her family, not killing herself.
Step back and observe what is going on from an outsider looking in. Are Ollie's actions real? Most likely she will try to wake her brother. he may fall forward and against the side. If he had short hair and its daytime, she might see a trail of blood running from the holes in his neck. She might quickly lean over the front seat to look to see if her dad is alive. Think what she would do. You write from her point of view, but you the writer know what everything looks like. The reader doesn't unless you tell them.
Where did all the blood come from? All you tell us is there are puncture wounds in the neck. What else happened? Here is where you will add word count and bring the reader into the story with you.
My breath catches and I almost slap him. "You just told me to run. Now you want me to go back there and-" Bile rises in my throat as I cover my mouth. Would she really want to slap her father in this situation? Question him instead. Why does he need the body? What is he going to do with it? How can she lift her brother from the backseat to the front? He's dead weight.
It's not his fault, but he apologizes anyway. I want to fall asleep right here and never wake up. Dad should go to sleep, too. We could all disappear from this world in peace. No more financial problems. No more awkward school transitions. We'd even get to see Mom again. Here again you stop action and start telling the reader something. This is stuff that she wouldn't be thinking about in this situation. when she leaves the van, runs and had to hide for the night or where ever, thats when she can reflect on things.

In conclusion:
I think this is a good start for a story even though I don't know what its about or where its going.

A WDC Power Reviewers sig
93
93
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Endless Enigma I found your storyIn the Short Story newsletter and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.

Overall Impression
At first I thought this might be story of some great courageous action. As I neared the end I was immediately transported to my high school years. I read on feeling the pain with the character as each incident was recalled. At the end, I smiled at the retribution. I'm not a fan of taking what doesn't belong to you, but as long as the person left it with no intention of returning. I still wanted to give a high five as she walked out the door.

Setting: A cafe in an upscale neighborhood. This is my assumption as I doubt the girls would have walked into just any mom & pop coffee shop. Besides who puts a Ficus tree between to conversation areas? You put the setting and events leading up to the event with care and interest. It wasn't over done and we got the picture of what was going on. I pictured it all as it happened.

Plot:
I found this story to be vastly interesting. It flowed well and kept my interest as I wondered when the red bag would make an appearance. Then what it would have to do with the two ladies she eavesdropped on.

Characters:
Here is where you excelled. As I said before, I was transported back to my youth. You characterized the two girls and their affect on the lone girl.
Her thoughts and reactions gave an insight to what happens to kids that are bullied. It lives with them for years. The strength of character shows that she didn't retaliate when she was younger. She wasn't Carrie or did anything mean back to them.
The girls in their selfish life wouldn't even be aware of what she had done to change her life. They remained the same. Our heroine took a little comfort in besting one of them.

Suggestions:
The only suggestions I'd give is to the set up. You gave great detail to her reason for being there. Quite a bit of the story is devoted to something that doesn't have anything to do with the story. I suggest you bring in to the story she is interviewing for a job where her understanding of Japanese has gained her a second interview. Her best friend in College taught her the language as well as some of her homeland culinary art. The result was the fine figure she had now, not the dowdy one of her childhood.
Then when the girls show up you don't need to do an info dump explaining her entire back story. Just the verbal parts. We already got she was heavy at one time. Spacing the information keeps the reader engaged, not just throwing it all at the end.

In conclusion:
That being said I still loved the story and how it made me feel


A WDC Power Reviewers sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
94
94
Review of Angelique  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Christopher Roy Denton I found your story in the Action/Adventure Newsletter and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.

Overall Impression

I loved this story. Its exactly like one I would have loved to have written. I loved the way your intertwined what some may seem as demonic music and turned it to draw people to Him. Great Job.

Setting/Plot/Characters
I did't get the time or setting. If it were a real place I never heard of it. This didn't stop me. I accepted the setting as part of a paranormal place. Your description gave me the sense it could have been anywhere in the world in this era.

Plot:
You lead the reader on a trip. Those of us who are of an age could identified with the MC right off. You gave him a goal if nothing more that curiosity to see what this younger woman was all about. Many men would have done the same thing. The conflics were more internal that external. And you crafted them in a way that had me reading on. You lead him on a journey of redemption which is one of my favorite plots

Characters:
I did like Michael. It wasn't until I was half way into the story I realized who he was. That he had fallen seemed and ideal way to craft this story.
Being I'm schooled a little in the Bible I wasn't offended in your tale but frankly I was very intrigued. You gave me characters to care about and surrounded them with realistic subcharacters I liked just as much.

Suggestions:
I have no suggestions. I thoroughly enjoyed this story.

In conclusion:
I loved that you were able to take a paranormal story, write a strong biblical plot and bring it to a happy ending. I hope to read more like this from you.

A WDC Power Reviewers sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
95
95
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Justin ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: You showed the torment of love. Its wonders that bring a person hope. You followed the process from moments of anticipation to heartbreak.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I assume its to find a long lasting love. Its not stated. The feelings generated at the beginning don't speak of a love given and received. Nothing about long term. Its all from the writers point of view.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The desire for love to be reciprocated. There is an unrealistic expectation of love that isn't in evidence from the other person. Its not surprising the relationship didn't last.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Here is where you need to fill in the reader. Since this is all one sided, there were no clues for him to expect his love not to be returned. You may want to show the relationship had some rocky moments. One side over compensated for the lack of it from the other.

*Pencil* Resolution: Somewhere, unknown to the reader, something went right. The reader has no idea what changed, but the initial relationship broke and the writer found love somewhere else. There isn't anything that shows what the writer learned in the process.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story?
I think this is where some work needs to be done.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
First there needs to be some grammar and punctuation rules looked at and edited.
From there you may want to introduce the characters, show them meeting, what was the attraction. Then some conflict they may have had that led to the breakup and finish with the breakup. Resolve with the lesson learned and a happy ending when a new love is met and the lessons learned grow a better relationship the next time.



PDG reviewers sig

96
96
Review of Gate 11A  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Blake ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read this because you requested a review. I read the whole story with questions in my mind from the beginning. You are a good writer of words. Putting them together to form a story that is complete. There was action and concequences for the actions. That's a great start to writing and It hink with just a few suggetions this will be a great story.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Here is where I didn't feel you accomplised the goal. Your point was for the man to be noticed. I'm conflicted in his goal, most alcoholics do not want to be noticed. I see you tried to make the point he wanted to be seen. To be acknowleged as alive. I like that point. This Point Of View jumped around a bit. You, the writer are an observer to the Main Character. You are telling the reader what is going on.
The overall goal is not clear or something a reader would be engaged to continue. Why is getting noticed important? What is the cost to To Paul when he's not noticed? Every story needs the angst. The thing that grabs the the reader and keeps his interest to the end. Cost. Think about that.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here along with the above is an important part of the story. Paul comes to the airport often. Nowdays no one without a ticket gets to a gate, so this story is out of date. That aside, this could be anywhere, any street or mall or park. What keeps Paul coming back? Don't answer to be noticed, because you haven't established why he needs that. (above) why here? why anywhere? What is his connection to this place? He isn't so far gone that he is out of it. He has a reality and sense of clarity. The workers were always different for some reason though. He had never met someone twice, which he hated. He wants something but it still isn't clear what. Why a familar face? I love the mother memories. That makes him more real to me, but I'm still not sure about him.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? His conflicts are brought on by his dependenci on alcohol. He buys a bagel to throw at someone. I see that this is truly an action by someone with a problem. From the outsider its not all that surprising once you look at the offender. BUT we don't know what he looks like. You the writer haven't told us.
Paul wiped his damp palms on the faded, dirty jeans. He really was ashamed of them. His mother had told him, "people judge you by what they see. Wear clean clothes and polish your shoes. Look people straight in the eye." he'd tried that, but it didn't work. His toes poked through the holes in his sneakers, the sweater he wore had stretched from his fists dragging on it continually. "i'm sorry Mom." he muttered under his breath. Something like this give the reader a clearer view of your character without describing him.

*Pencil* Resolution: Its not surprising he ends up where he does. But why? For me there isn't a resolution. I would rather have him wake up and smile. The officer talked to him and gave him a bagel. The other occupant talked to him. They saw him. Some one might walk by and call his name. "Paul. Back again?" He smiles. sometimes the homeless and those addicted will commit crimes to get back into jail where its warm and they get fed. I don't have a sense of this from Paul. I just don't know what the point of this story is.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
Besides the above. There are just a few housekeeping items you need to watch. The second paragraph is TELLING the reader something. Let the character tell it. Down where he's infront of the restroom he's too coherient. Short sentences, and not so much thought. his answer should be, "Nothing. " When he's told he's blocking the door, he sees the line and flattens his body against the wall, looking down as feet and rolling bags pass by in a hurry, No one stops or says anything. They don't see him.
Watch Ly words, 'was', 'the' see where you can take them out and it won't change the story.



PDG reviewers sig



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
97
97
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Amalyr Roe Here is the review of this story you requested

Overall Impression
You caught my interest right away with the first paragraph. The description of what Karyll was up to came through in your writing. Your follow through to the end felt well thought out and the ending with her escape was satisfying.


Setting: Your description of the office and the building put me right in there. I wouldn't change a thing. If you wanted to lengthen the story, more detail wouldn't hurt.


Plot:
You used everything in the end that you showed us at the beginning. Well placed. Her goal was achieved and she had a little conflict and got away at the end. Plot is textbook and good.

Characters:
You started with her description. I'd cut that. Its too cliche. What does her looks have to do with the plot? Her size and weight to fit into the space, get out easily is more about moving the plot. If this were a longer story then describe her. This short story is about what is going to happen. You gave a good idea of her skill, but not about her motive. Why was she doing this? What would it cost her if she didn't? Was this training or a test? Building the character also gives the reader more interest into reading on.


Suggestions:

There are a couple suggestions I'd like to make.
1. The over use of -LY words and the word SHE. Look this over and if you changed the ly words to action or description would it enhance the suspense? i.e. "She exhaled slowly." how about "The crossbow lay like a familiar friend on her shoulder. The target lined up, she inhaled then squeezed the trigger. Her body already prepared for the kickback and she kept her eye on the roof across from her. The hook hit and caught, the scrape of the metal made her wince." Something like this makes the action more intense. Puts the reader into the moment.

Again there is no cost to the Karyll. Why do I care if she gets whatever it is she after? I don't. You are just describing a brief moment in time with a little action Karyll forced his fingers to stop shaking. If she failed this mission her life would be over. Her place in the team would be taken by someone else. How could she tell her family, who depended on her, she failed. Locking her jaw she moved down the corridor to the office with more determination, her senses acutely engaged. Now we want her to succeed, we know what is as stake.

You are good at plotting the plot, but it was too easy. The men weren't enough conflict.
She got what she came for. If it were so easy I don't care. Its not interesting. I want her to struggle. What if her shaking fingers didn't get the numbers right? She dropped the key and while she fumbled in the dim light a murmur of conversation made her body tense. Her fingers grabbed the paper, and keyed in the numbers as she shoved the drive into the port. Confident fingers hit the keys to download. The blue bar indicated the progress. The door rattled thankful she jammed the lock, it would take them just a few more minutes to get the door open. She hoped it would be enough. This is the kind of wording that builds the intense suspense. You are writing it. You are in the moment. Now you have to transfer what you are feeling into words so the reader gets the same feeling.
Always use short sentences in intense action.

In conclusion:
I think you have a good start to writing in the genre. A little practice and you will be able to put out a story that would rival Hunger Games or Matrix. Go for it. Rework this piece and let me read it again after you add in more detail.



** Image ID #1913971 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
98
98
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Maryann - House Martell I found your story listed in our power reviewers and was drawn to it because the title and brief description caught my attention.


Overall Impression
I liked the idea of a trip to another planet.

Setting:
I thought you did a good job describing the terrain and the area where the accident happened.


Plot:
What I missed in the story was the goal of the main Character. The group was going on a trip. While there you gave a conflict that involved the two teachers collapsing, there was some mystery to me about how it happened. I don't think I understood the whole thing of why they got sick.

Suggestions:
I had some trouble reading this because you jumped around form POV to POV. You started writing about SHE and THEY then began writing about I and WE. Then back to 3rd person and in the same paragraphs we jumped back into whomever ME and I were. I suggest you find one POV and stick to it though the whole piece.



*Star*This is a SPECULATIVE SPECTACULAR "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Party Review!*Balloonp*
99
99
Review of ONLY IF  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Joy ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
What I Liked



*Thumbsup* As usual you have tickled my funny bone and made me laugh out loud. What an ingenious tale with a surprisingly delightful ending. As I read each bit of conversation between the two men I felt as if I might have been in a ping pong match. The whit and humor was fast and furious.

*Thumbsup* Mr. Humble's goal as a new car salesmen is to complete a sale. Unfortunately he gets a very stubborn customer. You show how he keeps at the sale.

*Thumbsup* Mr. Humble's motivation is to get the points he's been promised when he completes his sale. You have shown him to be innovative and a quick thinker as he answers each of the questions put forth by Mr. Dimmitt.

*Thumbsup* While the poor salesmen has to deal with the list of things Mr. Dimmitt wants on his car, he also has to keep his cool. You have written this piece with such cleverness. I can see the frustation of Mr. Humble yet he gives all the information about the vehicle to Mr. Dimmitt.


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*



I don't see anything that needs to be changed in this story.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Parting Comments


Great Job as usual. I always enjoy your stories.


My House of Stark signature
100
100
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, VikramAdith ,

I am reviewing your item for "Game of Thrones" .


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
What I Liked



*Thumbsup* Where do I begin to comment on this fantastic story. The depths of your understanding and the words your crafted to bring about this tale are amazing.

*Thumbsup* Your character's goal to interrogate a terrorist was admirable. He has a reputation you gave good foreshadowing to. The reader now has a high expectaion of what will happen. Depending on the background of the reader, they are already thinking of water torture or good cop bad cop scenarios. Yours came across way better.

*Thumbsup* At first I was drawn into the motivation. He sat next to the prisoner to make him feel more at ease. This gave the reader a sense of ease also, letting the motivation of keeping his Diamond status in place.

*Thumbsup* The conflict in this piece isn't action between the two main characters but in the telling of the story. As Babu related this picturesque rendition I forgot what was written at the beginning. The conflict grew in my mind at the telling until the reveal at the end.


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*



The only thing I had questions about was how Babu knew Usmen wasn't in on the bombing. It isn't revealed how he knew certain things yet was able to get the man to confess.
One suggestion is not to have the bit at the beginning with his family. Having hinm just look at the photos and think about his loving family is enough. If people don't know the truth it keeps the reveal a suspense.

*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Parting Comments


An amazing story with a twist.


My House of Stark signature
465 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 19 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thekindred/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4