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Review Requests: ON
1,497 Public Reviews Given
1,959 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, Monochrome Author Icon per your request for review


Overall Impression

The story had me confused for most of the time, until the end. I love the last couple of paragraphs. I felt your use of words came across much better than the other two stories I read. You have a good idea and time travel. With a bit of work it will be a great story.

Setting:

Here you created a good setting for the reader. I felt I was in a jungle. As if I were maybe Mowgli in The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kilping. Both time settings were were defined. I have no faults here.

Plot:

Here is where you need to do a bit of work. The plot is a young man lives in the jungle alone. From his earliest memories, he's been guided by voices in his head. Some are helpful some (or one at least) is harmful. I suggest you create a goal for him. Like Tarzan, he is confortable in his surrounding, but he has never seen another adult? Why? Even in this day and age, people hunt in the jungle. Creat a fear of them. They kill, they harm the forest. If he's happy here, why? Its a world he knows and understands. He feels safe. What changes? You have to create a need in him. Something he wants. He sees humans like himself wearing clothes. He steals a book he saw a man holding. He can't read it but it was important to the man so he stole it and hid.
Back in his cave the voices argue with his need. One might tell him to go to the humans, another says they will kill him, another tells him stay where he's safe. Still you have to create an inner desire.
Now when he wakes to find himself in a different world. It has some familiar things but he's confused. When he stands to leave someone throws him a bag. "Don't forget your backpack, loony tune." or whatever name you have him call Isog.
Don't have him run to a bathroom. He wouldn't know what it is He hides under a stairs or behind the mats hanging in a gym.
Peeking out he sees the people in this world. How can he live here? Does he even want to? holding the bag, the sounds are crashing into his brain. He sees his odd clothing hand his hands seem to known what to do with them.
He hears water running and follows another boy through the door. He sees water coming out of a strange object and watches how it is turned on and off. He trys and water sprays him from the force he turned it on. he turns it off and on wondering at the feel. He hears a new noise and sees a boy coming from a small cube. Going in he sees a strange white item. The voices in his head begin talking and he feels odd and then it goes dark and he wakes back in the jumgle.
Why? why did you have him time travel? Just to learn the words? Non of that made sense to me. GET OUT? Why? You ddidn't create something dangerous there that he'd become used to.
You might need to create a acry part of the cave. The part that the bad voice tells him to go to but the good voices warn him not to. When he arrives back at the jumgle he isn't near his cave. He might open the backpack to see what's in it and there is a book. When he opens it, the funny lines he didn't know before move around the page and his eye see them as words and his brain looks at them. He might be able to read them or you may have a voice begin to read to him. Now when he sees the words. He understands what they mean.


Characters:

I like Isog. You have him pretty well set so I don't see to much problem with him, He needs to react to his situations better.

Suggestions:

The above is a suggestion.
Also when you write think about this. What is my character's goal? What motivates them to reach the goal and what conflicts are preventing them from reaching that goal. What twist can I give at the end that ties all the clues I've given to the reader?

In conclusion:

I love your thought pattern. I get what you're doing when you write. Keep it up. The more you do it, the better you'll become and the more people will want to read and review your stories.


A super power image


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52
52
Review of LIGHT  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi, Monochrome Author Icon In response to your request for a review.


Overall Impression I get the impression English isn't your first language. It shows in the structure of your word choice. That being said it also adds a flavor to the story. When I got to then end I understood your point. While your story took a circuitous journey it had a satisfactory ending.


Setting:

The setting in the dorm or apartment could be a little more descriptive. Also his surroundings in his class might help set the stage. However a lot of detail isn't necessary as this isn't the point of the story.

Plot:

I'm not sure you created a plot. I didn't get the goal of the main character all the way through. There wasn't any motivation in his actions. He didn't try to fit or even make some attempt to assimilate. There weren't any conflicts. He just moved as a ghost through the story with no purpose. He had a premonition and then the story ended.

Characters:

Jake is a nothing. You need to create something the reader can feel empathy for. He was in an accident. Did the accident cause him some kind of visible injury? It seems you allude to it but drop it. What if you give him conflict? What if his scar causes his classmates to notice him? Is that good or bad? How would he feel if they reached out to him? Some teasing him about his HP type scar? But some girls/boys might defend him and say its cool. How does he feel about it? Your reader will empathize with his resistance or acceptance of the attention.
Then again my question to you is what does any of his feelings have to do with the beginning and end of the story?

Suggestions:

My suggestion to you is to rethink the purpose. He has a reoccurring dream that he can't figure out. However, there are clues. He might have a dream about something else that comes true. He sees a test with a grade on in and the next day he gets his test back and the page looks like the one in his dream. He's a little freaked out. He had a dream or a vision of a classmate who trips and falls in the cafeteria. He decides to test the theory and sure enough the guy trips on his shoelace and starts to fall. Jake catches him and prevents a mess. The guy is grateful but frowns and wonders how he came to be there, he never eats at the cafeteria. Add a couple other situations. He doesn't have the first dream every night or he'd never get out of bed. Then he meets the "guy" in class. he feels a connection. Now you can give a clue when he sees the guy ride past on a motorcycle. Then later when its starts to rain and Jake steps out into the road and he's hit, the whole story makes sense.

In conclusion:

I hope you understand what I said. That in building the story, especially one so short, every action and word must point toward the ending. Let me know if you have any questions.


A super power image


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53
53
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting quiz. A few vague and repeated questions. All in all for a beginner writer it’s a must take quiz. These are basics that need to be learned and understood.
54
54
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
I opened this article hoping for some insight and recommendation. The beginning gave information that would be helpful to someone interested in this particular publishing company. I connected with the author when she wrote she'd been out reviewing publishers and sites. I too am in the same situation.
I found the information for the date she wrote it to be informative. It gave a good idea of what to expect from this company. Also the pros and cons.
The only drawback was, this hasn't been updated. Many of the links are broken or moved. I would have loved a update on what the author finally did and the result.


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55
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Maryann Author IconMail Icon
I just finished reading your posting in the August Review Raid

Overall Review: It wasn't up to your usual style. I think you showed the setting perfect, the characters acted as they did in the show, but that was about it.

What is the goal or purpose? The teacher tried to get his students to think outside the box. I think the question was a legitimate one. I thought his request and suggestions fit the premise. I don't think you gave the characters enough response. The one and only good one, was quite good and fit the character to perfection.

Is there a motivation? A teacher who tries to teach the unteachable. This premise has been done time and time again. In this fan setting it worked during the 1970's. In this particular story it didn't work. There was no motivation. He didn't give them a reason to answer. Teachers motivate. He didn't.

What are the conflicts? The conflict is real. First period on a Monday morning. Need I say more? You planned that just right. The teacher got one good answer and didn't respond in order to instigate more responses.

What I Liked: I loved the show and looked forward to seeing what you would have the kids respond. One good one that fit was all I got.

What Needs Work: I wanted more. I hope you rework this with better responses.



For SuperPowersimage:2154079}
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56
Review of Gardenia  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mary Author IconMail Icon
I just finished reading your posting on the August Raid Page

Overall Review: A surprising story. I thought it would be a kids story. I miss read the requirement +13. I found this to be a wonderful heartwarming story with a great ending. Not quite as predicable as I'd imagined, but just as satisfying.

What is the goal or purpose? A man is stealing flowers. At first the reader is unaware of who it is and why. You did an excellent job of disguising the main character. Since I'd previously thought this to be a YA story, I pictured a kid stealing flowers. When I discovered the truth, it was a bit of a jog.

Is there a motivation? I felt this is where you were the most successful. The first part of the story alluded to his actions, but not why. He tried to tell her but she wasn't having any of it. There was one thing that bothered me. Why would a young woman demand to accompany a male stranger to meet the girl he's giving flowers to? This bothered me. I think this should be thought out a bit better. It isn't realistic. It might be they recognized each other from the coffee shop where she was a barista and he was a regular there. The surprise it was HER house he was stealing from is reasonable. Just a thought, spin it how you want. No woman is going to demand to go off with a stranger.

What are the conflicts? He was stealing. She demanded justification for his actions. This is a simple plot and you handled it well. The movement of the story to it's middle part was seamless and when they arrived, I felt a smile grow inside me.

What I Liked: What a great story and what a great lead into a longer story. It would make a great novella about the two meeting after his loss and... No I'm not going to write your story. I would like to read it if you chose to go for it.

What Needs Work: I mention the above. I don't know if you had a word count limit but the line:
I didn’t know what to say the entire ride there. We were both silent. My silence stemmed from fear while hers came from finally getting the justice she’s wanted for a long time.
I pulled up to where I needed to be and all I heard was a soft ‘oh’ from Alina.

Needs more. It's to short and not enough lead in. They drove how long? Was her house close to the cemetery? That would make sense. I'd like to know her thoughts along the way? I'm sure she'd have a lot to say about who they're going to meet. He'd be evasive, giving her true details about his love. Which seems more likely.

For SuperPowersimage:2154079}


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57
57
Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have written quite a bit to yourself. I hope you accomplished it all that year.
You listed books to read which would daunt the most avid reader. I hope you have learned to space your reading with your writing.
What I got from your letter is you are hard on yourself. You demand a lot from yourself. I hope you don’t punish yourself for any failure.
Your a good writer. Keep writing.
58
58
Review of Taps  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Mouser Author IconMail Icon ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I'm of an age. Not as old as this gentleman who would be my parents age. My father would have been 90. I grew up in a time when we respected and revered our military. This piece brought it all home to me. I have a friend who served on the USS Enterprise in WWII and attends Memorial Day events. This man's remembrance of his time in the service and losing his comrades through the years felt especially poignant.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This piece brought a man to attend the Memorial Day service honoring veterans. He came to honor his friends who'd fallen and those who were still alive.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? One doesn't serve in the armed forces with honor and denounce their effort. I have talked to a young man who's outlook is the exact opposite of Henry. His attitude bothers me. Honor is above all the highest praise to a soldier past and present.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Henry lives with his daughter who doesn't understand his need to attend these assemblies. His grandson, a vet, does and makes sure he gets to the meeting place.

*Pencil* Resolution: I was a bit confused at the end. Did he die right then and there? Was this a moment when he said this was his last one and go home to die? I'm not sure here.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Henry served his country at Normandy. Not many are left who served in that war. Henry realized this and instilled into his grandson the importance of remembering and honoring those who have served and gave the ultimate sacrifice.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
There are a number of places that need rewording. Places that could be filled out to give the story a bit more emotion that would connect with the reader. I felt you were telling me this as a third party. I would rather you told this from Henry's POV so we felt his emotion.

It didn’t feel like more than seventy years since Normandy. He could see them all laughing and joking the night before. Nobody laughed in the heights above Omaha Beach or in the hedgerow country for a long time.
They had looked like old men then but weren’t. With the resilience of youth they had kept going. As probably all wars they had fought for each other, brothers in blood if not family. The hard pride of men who had faced the line felt too dearly bought.

If this were written as a more internal visual: It didn't feel like more than seventy years since Normandy. For a moment he closed his eyes against the sun and saw he and his buddies laughing and joking the night before. None of them wanted to admit they were scared out of their wits at the thought tomorrow might be the last time they saw each other. They didn't laugh in the heights above Omaha Beach or hedgerow country. Some were left there. He'd gone home. Some called him "lucky." He didn't.
The men seated in his row and the rows in front of him looked like old men. In their minds they relived their youth in the wars they fought and the young men who fought with them. Here they sat, brothers in blood if not family. He glanced up to see his grandson standing at attention. He was proud of the boy. He blinked hard at the moisture that gathered in his eyes. This is just a small example of adding emotion to a piece. I'd love to see you rework this with more personal connection.


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59
59
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear tj wanderlust-words-in-motion Author IconMail Icon

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: When I read the title I was intrigued to read how a fellow reviewer rates the reviews. For those of us who have been doing this a number of years (you since 2011 and I joined in 2007 but didn't do much until 2009/10)we should have a plan for reviewing. I noticed you mentioned you took your reference from a college lit class. I commend you for remembering (it maybe more recent than my school days)the criteria and applying it here.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I liked that your goal as a reviewer is: ... not intended as a fix it manual. That is commendable. You how you wrote, not how I write This give the reader a clear understanding of How versus What.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I believe positive feedback is one of the best teachers we have. Both receiving and writing a good review is a great way to improve and grow as an author. This clearly gives me an idea of they kind of reviewer you are. You want others to excel as writers. It puts us in the same category as the writer. We judge as we are judged.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? You state that your ratings are based on how easy it is for you to read. Simply put, a 2 or 2.5 indicates you have something, but it needs some work to bring it out.and A 3 or 3.5 indicates you are doing good with content, but it's difficult to read and understand If I interpret it correctly; if the story flows with little or no holes or dropped plot points you will at least give them a medium rating.

*Pencil* Resolution: You rate the piece by your standards of reading. You clearly define the criteria you use so people know what to expect from your ratings. You have a review form you follow. I liked that you explained your OVERVIEW is what you Anticipated from the title and description. I think I may have to think about using that in my next review.
You followed that with your Summary. This would be where you put whether the ANTICPATION followed through to the end. When you were done reading did the work fulfill or disappoint you. Maybe even surprise you. This would give the reader a complete view of their work.



*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I didn't see anything that needed fixing. You stated your purpose and fulfilled it. I don't give out 5 stars either. I feel this piece is educational, easy to follow and give deep understanding Therefore 5 stars goes to you.


from Hanna


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60
60
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, PureSciFi Author Icon ,
I am Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon, Celebrating YOU *BalloonP*!!

*CheckR* My First Thoughts: The first paragraph hooked me by telling me the Angoria's spells didn't always work as planned. The interaction among the characters moved the plot forward at a good pace while building the suspense.
The characters worked together toward a common goal against Harrald. He had an agenda that the group thwarted and he failed so he left.

*CheckG* My Favorite Part: I liked how you described the fight. It seemed real and they performed within the parameters of understanding. While you didn't set the world or give much of a setting, the reader could imagine what was going on.

*Check* My Final Thoughts and/or Suggestions:
First of all you use a lot of filler words. WAS, WERE, WENT and the dreaded word THAT. Reworking these sentences will give the reader a more intimate look into the situation surrounding these kids. It also helps to make you a better writer. An editor or agent wouldn't read past the first two paragraphs.

The next thing I didn't get is a sense of what these kids looked like. The only reference you gave was "scaly palm" and "Three eyes" There is no reference to clothing so for all I know they are naked or in their natural form which I have no idea what it is. A spacewizard is anything you choose it to be. You definitely need more description.

This entire piece is TELLING. Even as a memory you don't give the reader much to go on. This is just a bunch of names throwing fire balls and lightening bolts around. At the end we finally get to the point where we know the purpose. I think a rewrite of this would make it more intense and throw in some dialogue.
If there is no proof that the space gem is really there, then why is Harrald fighting? If he really wants it do you think he'd give up so easily?
How did Angoria and her friends get to this place to protect the people? It seems humans aren't afraid of wizards and magic. Why?

I enjoyed reading this intriguing story.




** Image ID #2160269 Unavailable **


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61
61
Review of Reaching Gateway  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Graham B. Author Icon ,

*CheckP* I am Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon, Celebrating YOU *BalloonP*!!

*CheckR* My First Thoughts: The first paragraph hooked me with the tag line about the expedition being in peril. The interaction among the characters moved the plot forward at a good pace while building the suspense.
You presented the characters and then a problem. The conflicts escalated even to causing friction between the members.

*CheckG* My Favorite Part: I liked when Joanne ignored the danger to save her friends and coworkers. She gave no thought to her safety and it caused a protective instinct to appear in the one who seemed to have the most against her.

*Check* My Final Thoughts and/or Suggestions: This read like a moment in time. There wasn't much in the way of character building or setting. You gave the most you could give in this piece. It read well and I have nothing I'd change other than it would fit in a chapter in for a larger work.

I enjoyed reading this intriguing story.






** Image ID #2160269 Unavailable **


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62
62
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello ms_penguin
I just finished reading your story. Congratulations on turning yellow.

Overall Review: I'm always hesitant about reading vampire stories. I'm usually disappointed. I took a chance and was pleasantly surprised. It held my interest. I even smiled at the way the plot took a turn. It was predictable but performed in a good way.

What is the goal or purpose? Poor Reginald had a problem. It went against his entire nature. You gave the reader a great introduction to his situation then offered a solution. This solution also came with choices. Good plotting.

Is there a motivation? At the beginning you told us Reginald's problem. The fact his abhorrence to the solution created an entirely new problem and motivation for its cure. The reader had no problem accepting any solution even with a high price.

What are the conflicts? You gave the reader choices. What if he didn't take what was offered? He had to pay a high price for the cure. He wasn't sure it would work, what if this was a trick?

What I Liked: I like Reginald's thought process. The song "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" came to my mind. I wondered if that might not be a good thing. The changing process was well written and you gave real feelings and showed emotion in this section.


What Needs Work:
You TELL not SHOW. This piece needs emotion and showing from beginning to end. The whole beginning could have be slipped into the story as it progressed. How could you show all that?
Here is a suggestion:
Reginal woke at eight pm as he did every night. His stomach churned with hunger and he grimaced at the pain. He didn't bother to look in the mirror since he had no reflection and it wouldn't have been a good one. No one wants to see and emaciated Vampire.
In the kitchen he opened the refrigerator and wrinkled his point nose at the few bags of blood and plasma he'd bought. The dark blue red color caused his mouth to pucker. The memory of the thickness sliding down his throat made him begin to gag. He shut the door and took a breath.
The sound of firm knocks on his front door interrupted his pain and he moved lightly to the entryway.

Do you see that showing emotion also puts the reader into the story with all the information, and YOU the author didn't TELL the reader anything. Your character showed it and we got the problem.
Try using emotion to drive your story without you TELLING the reader.




** Image ID #2160269 Unavailable **


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63
63
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Group ~ Reviewing with River  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Legendary❤️Mask Author IconMail Icon ,

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I loved this story. Now I get to review it. The goal of showing vs, telling comes through clearly in this piece. Having just been to the South recently and bought a box of caramel Moon pies, I can connect with the taste, smell and touch.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? This piece shows the desire of the author to share something they love with other members of the group. This is stated and then reinforced with many emotional and sensatory prompts.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? A love of writing and sharing. We also get there is a need for affirmation from those who like the same things.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The first realization that sharing a food with others may not be as easy as one would like. Complication of this nature are shared near the beginning with no thought of the actuality being accomplished.
When the result is a diminished attendance of the group, panic sets in. As the missing members are tallied the situation becomes worse. The escalation drives the panic of the writer to almost dismal proportions. As administrative members are contacted and approached with the problem there seems little to be done to solve the issue.

*Pencil* Resolution: There is a marshmallow lining to the story and all is well even if a little more sticky than usual. It seemed as though our illustrious leader Phoenix McKnight Author IconMail Icon may have been in on the situation and escalated it to its climax. Shame.


*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? I found the characterization of each on to be on point. From The StoryMaster Author IconMail Icon to Bikerider Author IconMail Icon on vacation and even the rest of us losing our place was admirable.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: I didn't find anything glaring that I'd change or work on. I became so drawn into the story I didn't stop reading until the last .


*PenP* Reviewing With River *PenP*


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64
64
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Maryann Author IconMail Icon

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I read this with some questions on how you would interpret and analyze the data. By the end of the story, I developed a healthy respect for your intuitive deductions.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character?
You put forth a question asking what the result if a familiar group of people were in fact sequestered on the game Survivor.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? You must like this TV show and watch it enough to have formed some very qualified observations. Your analytical deductions were right on point.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Using the characters we know and love along with their strengths and weakness, you compiled the information and gave the probable results.

*Pencil* Resolution: Your logic is impeccable. I will refrain from posting your Winner and let anyone who comes across this review to click on the link and read the article for themselves.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: You have captured the essence of each character leaving the only right solution to the situation. My only suggestion to this would be to expand it into a more newsworthy story. If this information were written as a newscaster might tell it I think the interest level and entertainment level would be enhanced.
Those that like this game would have fun with the possibilities you might add.
Say the winner of a game or two. I think the comedy of putting some of the characters in a brief reflection of a challenge would bring this piece to the forefront of readership.
Just my suggestion. Possible if you need a break from you other duties, this might be something to take another look at.


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


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65
65
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Clio Flemming Author IconMail Icon
I just finished reading your posting in the Request a review page.

Overall Review: I like the setting, and the characters. You gave a wonderful description of your Main Character without dumping boring information on the reader. Your brief description of the woman left the reader wanting more. Her ability to observe and come to a conclusion gives the reader a bit of deduction themselves.

What is the goal or purpose? The man seems to want to alleviate his boredom. He has some sense of justice and a good work ethic. I don't see a purpose other than what is stated at the beginning to get to another shore. I would think you might expand this to include her wise eye of maybe knowing what port he's headed to and why. Maybe in her travels she knows a bit about what's selling and maybe the story behind his being there. Hinting of her over knowledge. Something to make the reader want to turn the page. There is nothing here that foreshadows the story to come.

Is there a motivation? Again as above there isn't a motivation other than to relieve the boredom of watching cargo being loaded. Every scene needs to move the story toward its goal. Once stated the rest of the story/scenes need to follow suite.

What are the conflicts? Again not much conflict. The man being rebuffed when he offers to help. See the advice above.

What I Liked: I liked your characters. They act and talk like real people. You have an excellent handle on observation and dialogue. I could follow the story though you didn't pepper the dialogue with tags. You have just enough to know who's talking.

This seems to be the beginning of something. I'm not sure what, but it needs a little more meat on the plate. Why is he going and where is he going? Does he have any foreshadowing of something coming between him and his goal?

What Needs Work:

A lot of over use of the words, had, been and the. Try reworking the first paragraph to hook the reader. There isn't anything here that grabs me to read past it. The description of the Captain had nothing to do with the rest of the story. Maybe one of the crew almost drops something on the woman and the Captain roars a warning where upon the man and some of the crew came to her rescue.

The wording of the ship's route read odd. Not smooth. After the brief portion about the captain and the ships route we are immediately dumped into a dialogue.
My suggestion would be start with the MC coming aboard.
Welcome aboard. Nice to see you again (Captain)
Talk about the route and the time the ship will set sale. He goes to see how his things have been put in his cabin. Notices a lump of wool coming aboard. Assumes an old woman and curious to her being here alone. Then after coming back to the main deck he observes the men and ALMOST wishes to help, and feels a bit guilty as he sees the young age of the some of the men loading cargo.
He looks across the water thinking about the GOAL Turns to see the lump of wool seated on a barrel not far from him. Then start the dialogue.
This constitutes a full scene. There is a goal, what his reason for going on the trip (maybe he tells her after the initial conversation) she or the captain might offer some conflicts he's going to face. Does he get seasick? If so he'd better find out what to do about it.
Its worth working over and resubmitting. I hope to read more of your work. Especially your dialogue.


A shared Review Raid image


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Review of Who are we?  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Noahnater51 Author IconMail Icon

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I have always liked to hear what people think about their place in this world. Some know right off and others spend a lifetime searching. I felt you to be in the latter group. I wanted to know about you through your writing. I wish I knew you better.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character?
This piece is an introspection of someone looking to find what is in their inner self. Hoping in the span of a life time clues and observations will answer their questions.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? The truth of the matter is the one thing you hit on the most. We all want to know our place and purpose in life. This desire can become a lifetime quest or a causal introspection. Here you list all the ways you have attempted to answer the question.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? What I deduced from your piece is the conflict in nature, we don't really want to know who we are.
we never really truly define ourselves to them because we are scared about it.We are scared that someone will find out who we truly are and that scares us sometimes If you don't know who you are what are you afraid of? You also used scare too many times. What other word might work here.
hang out with someone long enough that they can be themselves around them and they don't run or they don't make fun of us because of our true colors.
This is so true in our world today. You didn't give examples but in this sentence it fits the majority of gang members, those drawn to occult religions or just plain loners. Fear of what others think.

*Pencil* Resolution: We all face something hard in life but we have to decide how we are going to deal with it. This is profound. While all by itself it makes a stand alone statement. It doesn't fit with what you talked about above.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: There is the use of there instead of they're (they are) In the second sentence.
I'd like to see what YOU think about this. You are writing from outside the article. Casual observations that are so general, they fit the entire world.
What do you really think about the search for one's self? What do you define at "one's true self?" I suggest you give a few examples on both sides. What does one discover when they find their true selves? Has anyone ever truly done so or is it a never ending search? I'd like to know what you think about that.

There are two paragraphs here. I think you might want to break them into a few different sections. Possible with a topic heading. Hiding, Searching, Enhancements. Just my suggestion.


from Hanna


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Review of Grunch!  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Tanith Author Icon
I just finished reading your posting

Overall Review: I loved this story. I felt it's worthy of not only a good review, but encouragement for publishing. I will add notes below, but please think seriously about making this into a children's book along the lines of WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

What is the goal or purpose? The problem is set forth in the beginning. The situation is one we are all familiar with. The question of how many people experienced this phenomena is questionable.

Is there a motivation? One hates to be accused of wrong doing, especially when one takes the effort to make sure it isn't and issue. I hate to have late fees. It motivates people to be aware of the due date on a book

What are the conflicts? It seems books are missing from the book drop box. The children have heard the problem and gave it a name. No one believes in monsters or people who say they returned books, but didn't. Curious.

What I Liked: I loved the concept. A monster eating books. This is certainly something kids would love to read about. If they have never seen the drop box, it's a good way to introduce going to the library.

What Needs Work:
What I noticed and makes the story more difficult to read is the over use of the words "WAS" and "WERE". These are easy fixes and changing the way you write will make your writing easier to read and bring the reader into the story. These are wasted words that cost money when you publish. Look at the piece and count the number of times you use the word "was" sometimes a few times in a single sentence.
It never did to upset any patron undulyWhen you read this back remember your audience. You are using adult words. Unduly, installments , vigilant. Because this story is so good, I'd hate to loose any readers. Keep the verbiage to pre-teen. You'll have smart reader and slower readers. Don't pander to the smart ones, make it enjoyable for everyone.

Great story!

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Imran Butt Author Icon I was asked for a review of this letter.


Overall Impression

My low rating is because I didn't understand this letter at all. I read and reread it and its oblique nature, almost to the point of purposeful hiding of the real meaning. The build up and explanation has a purpose on paper, but theoretically, it lacks definition.


Plot:

Some where there's a beginning, that states your purpose to accept one's soul is admirable, then to follow the statement with the act is a pursuit of uncertainty negates the first statement.

Character:

Your letter starts To My Dear Beloved This confused me because you stated in the first sentence you are writing it as an acceptance to my soul I assumed you have an impression that the soul is or maybe the source of feelings/emotions which you state in the next section.

return is vital and if there is an acknowledgement what changes will it bring to the soul, what return of emotion/feeling is vital? What is the alternative? You don't state the fear except as a rejection. Is there some consequence to the failure?


In conclusion:

The letter itself is written internally. It isn't written to be read by others. I assume there is some belief that when one to leave this world materially and come back spiritually, a rebirth is needed it is in reincarnation. If the question is begging the answer, Is Incarnation real? then I suggest you come right out and ask.

This piece seems to be written as a metaphor?
“To be or not to be” is a point one can’t stay too long on but the evolution of things have their own secrets and maybe now it’s my time to give back which I had taken for granted Again I ask, what have you taken for granted?
My curiosity about the purpose of this letter is peaked. On the other hand I have a fear that it may be you are thinking of taking your own life in order to come back as something Better? I have no knowledge of the writs of reincarnation. It would seem to me that any time a human takes its own life the consequences cannot be good. If it were, many would do so continually. The fear of eternal punishment for something that isn't ours to take of our own free will is meant to be a detriment.





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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Emma Faye Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description. Plus the roll of the dice.


Overall Impression

This story grabbed me and wouldn't let go. I thought the demon had reached out of the computer and held me. I couldn't stop reading. It whispered this is real. The poor person is sitting on the other side of the screen locked in the room.

Setting:

There is little here in the way of setting. The different times are more telling. The years and hours of each manifestation gets worse as the paragraphs progress. I wanted to stop. I wanted to shut the program down, but it wouldn't let me.

Plot:

Can a demon control a person? Can it cause anyone to have reactions they can't control? We all believe this to be true or we would read these stories or pay money to watch horror movies. Some are drawn to the phenomena to the point I feel as in this story, there is some loss of control. You have written a story so thoroughly captivating one wonders if its real or fiction.

Characters:

Your characters, stand out. The actions speak louder than any description. It seems unnecessary to describe the main character. He's unimportant to the action in the story. You take the reader on a journey through one person's life to the present. It is captivating to the point of no return

Suggestions:

I don't have any. Its a throat grabbing story that one can't stop reading.

In conclusion:

Anyone reading this review, be careful if you should click the link. You might not survive...........

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Review of Thaw  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear J Sheehy Author IconMail Icon

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: It was short. You asked for an honest review and you want to be a better writer. I hoped for a good story and I got it. I so want to hear about this woman. What era does this take place in and what happened to her family? Why is she alive and not them?

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? After reading this piece I can tell she just wants to get though each day. Since you gave us the setting of Alaska, our minds go to the connecting factors. TV series of how hard the life is there. To make it after a loss is heartbreaking for the reader as well as the character.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Here is where its tough. One lives in spite of the hardship. Its her inner strength. If she didn't have it she would have just laid down and died along with them. The last lines give us where that willpower comes from. She needs to get her family back. Whatever happened that left them out there, has to be faced and finalized.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? You used words to describe the conflict Struggling, Shudder,Persistentand Bleak While you didn't explain or go into detail, this use of words give the reader in sight into the life she lived.

*Pencil* Resolution: She resolved to live, to return her family to the fold. To continue to live for them.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: As a writer, you have a good grasp of TELLING a story. Now to a few of the technical aspects of writing. One all of us have had to deal with and still do.
The use of "was", "were", "had". These are all speed bumps in a story. The over use of them causes the reader to feel outside the story.
Outside, as far as the eye could see was a blanket of white pinned down by a dull grey sky. And yet, there it was...the sound that had got her out of the bed in the first place, faint but persistent. Marla saw a small hole in the snow drift that had come up to the windowsill that winter. She knew now what the sound was. Moving her eyes upward, she saw the next drop of water ready to fall from the roof's edge. .

What if this paragraph sounded like this: A sound familiar yet foreign sound woke her. What was it? She listened. A Plink sound. A drip? Marla slid her feet onto a rug. The one thing that kept winter at bay from freezing her feet. At the window the full effect of winter fell over her. Yet, there it was again. Plink. Plink. They sounded closer together. In front of her eyes a droplet of water formed off the roof and dropped, then formed again, repeating the action that caused the sound.
Can you see the difference. Same paragraph, just reworded without the speed bump words. You can never take them all out, they are part of our speech. However limit them.
I suggest you leave the snowdrift out. What you see in your mind didn't come out as something I could see. To me snow drifts under the window but you can't really see it unless you are outside. How about the snow drifted off the roof and froze? I can see that. Others can remember seeing snow on a roof almost falling to touch the drift rising up.

Please expand this into a longer work. Tell us what happened to this family. It will be a great story.

from Hanna


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Review of You Did What ??  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Winnie Kay Author Icon I was drawn to your story because the title and brief description.


Overall Impression This story hooked me right away. As it progressed I became even more curious. The end had me laughing out loud. A well written piece with a goal, motivation and conflict.

Setting:

The description of the people gave the setting. The picture of the setting is immediate as soon as the conversation begins. Later there is a reference to the office the employee had been in.

Plot:

The printing company gives a setting with an obvious problem, someone had made a mistake. There is a sense of being in an office without describing. The reference to the edition having passed the point of no return gives the intensity of the story.

Characters:

The introduction of the CEO of the printing company gives the reader a clue to his reaction. We are immediately immersed in a situation. We see the employee's response to the accusations of his boss. Their words give the problem and the reaction of the two. There is sympathy for the employee as the reader will immediately sense empathy for the poor man.

Suggestions: The only thing I caution is the use of was and were. This story is short. Working different sentence structure without theses words make the story move.


In conclusion:

This story is intense then the twist at the end gave me a reaction. The CEO's reaction at the end gave me a sense of the CEO's predicament and the mental twist of the reader's reaction. I know the reader will read the ending a couple of times.

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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, meson
I found our story with the roll of the R&R dice The tag hooked me to read it.

Overall Impression
I couldn't stop reading. Your family stories are fun, and a peek into life in India. No matter our cultural difference, your stories show that underneath we are all alike.

Setting/Plot/Characters

Setting:

The piece is set into bits of individual memories. All taking place in India and So. California. You give us a time and place stamp as reference for each entry.

Plot:

There isn't a progressive plot. Each story is a plot in itself. We gradually see the family status, culture, traditions all laid out in an easy to read format. The humor is evident.
Characters:

How could we not love these two characters. You have shown the love these two brothers have for each other and life. What a hoot. The fact you gave us pictures to put in our memory of them made the reading even sweeter.

In conclusion:
This is a wonderful piece. The poem, the miss mash of misunderstood words, My favorite is the buy me pens and the I Hear Thunder{/c]. My guess is the tune goes to an old French tune we all know as Friar Jacques, lullaby.


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Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, G. B. Williams Author Icon I rolled the dice and found your article

Overall Impression
I like the title and wanted to see what you had to say on the subject.

Setting/Plot/Characters

Setting:

Christmas is a controversial subject now days. I think your underlying theme is respectful and it came across, Like most of us, frustrated at the misuse of the religious symbolism.

Plot:

You give us the goal of why you no longer love Christmas because of the way its presented now days. You tell us what Christmas is about. You then go on to give examples in the real world, ending with why this holiday means more to you than what its represented to the world.

Characters:

Each character in this story from you, to Christ, to the everyday person is represented in a respectful manner.

Suggestions:
I have no suggestions. I felt your heart and the emotion. No need to fix anything

In conclusion:
You have a good article. /some may not know the story, but all know the meaning. We need to make a greater effort to be less PC and tell the story to all.
Look up the song Tell it to Me. My favorite old hymn that makes me cry for personal reasons, but what a story.

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Review of Pull the Trigger  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear scottdaniel Author IconMail Icon }

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: Oh My where do I begin? The question hooked me. The concept kept me glued to the story. The intensity of the rise of action and the end! Oh My I felt an emotional high that I had to wait a minute before I could reread the ending to be sure I read it right!

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? A question "Would you kill for your daughter, Michael?" I have children and this question hooked me to read on.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Love. We say we would do anything for our kids, but would we? You detailed the goal and motivation with the short sentences the keep the reader in the story and pull them to continue.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? The rise of action. The give and take between the two men, the emotional connection while knowing the answer. The rules are the conflict. I can't even tell you how the end made me feel.

*Pencil* Resolution: I had a thought of what might be the end. While part of it was correct, the actual event had me shaking. You are amazing at crafting a story with intensity and a cruel ending.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:

The clock on the wall was ticking louder than normal as Michael glared at the stranger sitting on the other side of the massive, antique mahogany desk. "I would kill you," He replied with all the venom he could spit.
This is a passive statement. The use of was and the shifting of tenses is one that bothers writers and most readers. Using too many "was and were", cuts the intensity back. In this story you don't want to lose any of the intensity.

Here is a suggestion The ticking clock on the wall of his office resonated in the silence. Michael's gaze bored into the stranger who sat cross legged across the desk from him. "I would kill you." he spat the words like a snake spitting venom.

Adjectives words that end in -LY are deadly. You use them way too much. how slow is slowly? how clear is clearly? how far is distantly? All these could be reworded to make the sentences like a rapier during a fight.

"You have two choices before you," the stranger explained quickly. "The first is to kill.
"You have two choices." The stranger leaned forward using short clipped words. "The first is to kill, the second is to die.
No ly words the action builds the scene for the reader. It keeps them reading, feeling the action.



*TeaV*A Proud Member of the PAPER DOLL GANG REVIEWERS *TeaV*


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Review of Storm-story  Open in new Window.
Review by Quick-Quill Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
FYN-
I read this story and was going to review it. I rated it and ticked off the boxes at the bottom. After I opened the review tool I began to fill in the first space which was your name. I paused. Looked again at the story along with the date it had been written. 2005 is a long time ago. This isn't up to your present standard of writing. I know you are better than this.
Here I am, do I review something just because it came up with the roll of the dice? I think not. I'm going to give you the opportunity to edit it then send it back if you want a better rating and an honest review.
Here's to hoping it gets a revisit.


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