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1,485 Public Reviews Given
1,947 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a form I use for reviews. I look for a Goal, Motivation, Conflict and Resolution. It also allows me to tell what I liked and what I thinks needs improving. In my reviews I may make suggestions by adding my take on what the author is trying to say. Purely a suggestion to take or leave as needed.
I'm good at...
Giving in depth and fair reviews. I usually review stories that interest me. I don't always like them but they have promise and potential. I am fair but I AM reviewing. I do not review grammar or spelling. I do point out past and present tenses as well as the over use of WAS, WENT, THE and THAT in one story so watch those.
Favorite Genres
inspirational, mystery,action/Adventure, paranormal and anything that falls into those broad genre, some fantasy and comedy
Least Favorite Genres
Vampires,YA or adult. This genre is overrated and unless you write much better than Steph Meyer, I probably won't read it. Most Non-fiction unless the premise interest me. Always worth an ask.
Favorite Item Types
Everything in the STATIC file except the ones listed below: Look down
Least Favorite Item Types
Appendix, bulletin, campfire, in n out, editorial,letter/memo, lyrics, outline, preface, script/play, Poetry.
I will not review...
Poetry. I don't understand this style and don't feel confident to review it. Novel or novella, I reserve the right to refuse to review. Not to hurt feelings, but time wise it may be something I can't give good attention to, but always ask.
Public Reviews
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Review of Bang Bang Bang  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Violet

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Caroline has entered a Liars Annonymous meeting. Her story began with some interesting description of the characters, then moved to their problems. Knowing they are all liars, my mind refuted each story as untruth. As the story progressed I continued to search for a goal from Caroline as to why she ws there. None was given.

*Quill* Motivation: Here again I looked for a motive for Caroline to continue to attend the meeting, even to sit through the narratives of the attendees, but none was given. The style that this story is written leaves the reader confused. It reads like a three act outline with some conversation, not a story.

*Quill* Setting: The setting in the church, normal as it is deemed a mental call for help and where do most people go for help that is above the control of man and medication. I found it very good, except the fact there were pews and the attendees were spread out, seemed odd. The point most of these type of meetings is eye contact. One would think to unburden the soul before the eyes of those with similar problems is theraputic. Maybe have them in a semi-circle in the altar area if there was no activity room available. Close together.

*Quill*Conflict: As each tells their story the reader is drawn into the telling, forgetting they are liars until right in the middle, Caroline interrupts by adding her mental commentary. Oh yes, they are liars so I can't believe anything they say. Then the ultimate conflict at the end is a surprise.

*Quill*Resolution: This is another surprise from Caroline that the whole story is a lie.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: I like the concept. I loved the idea that liars would go to a LA meeting. However as the story progressed I wondered about each person, mostly about Caroline and why she was there. I was disappointed at the end. It left me unfulfilled. I probably would not have continued after Part 2 if it weren't that this was for a review. And me. My name is not Caroline. And I've never been to a Compulsive Liars Anonymous meeting in my life. This was my favorite line in the story.

*Quill*What Needs Work: I would love you to look above and answer the points. G M C what is the purpose of this story? Is there a word count limit? If not I would love to see this expanded into a deeper more full story. From Caroline's point of view. Through her eyes expand each minute she is there. Here is what I think the story needs; more detail. This reads as an outline. As I walk through the doors, cigarette smoke greets me with a smile of coffee stained teeth. what I pictured was smoke in the shape of a mouth full of teeth. You might say: I walked through the large doors of the chapel to be greeted by a tall, thin man behind a small table. His wide smile showed smoke stained teeth.His eye looked me over as I took the flyer (what was it about?) He pointed to the paper tag and sharpie. I figured it was to write my name as he turned to greet the next sucker that shuffled in.
I write my name, Caroline, on the tag and slap it to my shirt. Ahead is a long aisle that ended with a circle of chairs in the small altar area. I made a rude noise and began the walk. How ironic they would hold a group meeting for liars in a church."
Do you see that as a reader you are now "experiencing" what Caroline is experiencing as it happens. It makes the reader involved in the story, invested. Re-read your story and you are TELLING the reader what to think and see but from a distance.
At the end you understand you didn't tell the story right so you had to fill in the reader with what they missed. All this should be in your story. We get that they are liars, theives, but murder? I think that went too far, because there was no reason given for it. If you have to write Smoke still has a wedding ring on and I've seen the sports car he drives to meetings. Barbie, doesn't have any kids, just a daddy complex. Suit is an ex-con, not a religious bone in his body. Then you need to do the job of showing this in the story not telling it at the end. You don't need to TELL the reader. If you give detail of each character, they will get it.
Your ending, after you have shown how disgusted Caroline is with everyone's lies and how she can see through them, she shoots them. The reader is shocked, She was nuts, then "Now I sit here writing all this for your from my room on the Sixth floor of General hospital. I've never been to a Compulsive Liars Anonymous meeting in my life." The End! The reader is blown away!

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202
202
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Bri*Star

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Jaren Durtest is going to read his own fate. He enters a tavern and sets out his cards. There is no reason for him being there. There is no past provided for the reader to get a sense of where he has come from or where he is going.

*Quill* Motivation: Here again there is no movtivation for him to read his own cards. I feel that for one to read their own future, one can deal the cards any way they want. Like a card shark, what prevents them from just redealing for a different future? This process never made sense to me nor does it give the reader any look into Jaren's mind set.

*Quill* Setting: There is no era given, not even clothing described to give the reader a sense of where and when the setting is. We have a tavern, it could be any time. The barmaid could be in any era. This leaves the reader distracted from the story to figure out when and where this could be happening. What the reader may come up with might not be what you envisioned. You will need to be more specific. I had a run down building, the tables of rough wood made smooth with the constant beating of earthen and carved mugs on the surfaces. They had been repaired so many times there wasn't a one of them that sat firmly on all four legs, if there were four. The straw on the floor hadn't been changed in so long vermin ran in and out of the twigs hoping for some tid bit of vittals. The barmaid openly kicked at any that dared to come close to the toes of the leather that she tied on to her feet with twine wrapped around to keep them on.
So you see that this enhances the setting. Gives the reader more of an idea where Jaren is sitting?

*Quill*Conflict: There is only the the headache that he has but no reason is given why. Above to TELL the reader he is blind and uses his "Sight" to see, but in the story there is nothing that shows or tells us this until the end and the reader is confused how he knew all that he "saw." You need explain this. "Jaren paused at the door. His stick rested on the rotting wood of the step. He gathered himself against the pain he knew to come. Using his Sight to see where his eyes could not brought its own reward." Now you proabably are saying, "I wanted the surprise at the end." This is one time it won't work. "UNLESS at the end you say something like this . "He had enough darkness and death on his hands, no need to tempt Fate but the pain in his head lessened as he walked the road in the darkness. He didn't need to "see" out here. He was one with the elements around him. His staff cleared the way where he could not decern roots and boulders in his way. He felt confident the barmaid was unaware of the lack of vision in his sky blue eyes, even when she had admired them."

*Quill*Resolution: None as this is a chapter in a longer work.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: This might be an interesting story. I have no incentive to read on. There wasn't enough plot, forshadowing or hint of conflict to come that might want me to turn the page. If I were distracted by something there isn't a hook to bring me back.

*Quill*What Needs Work: Count the "The" you have way too many. This distracts the reader, though they lessen as the story goes on. The same with "Had." You mix -ing with -ed quite often so I'm not sure the tense. Is this being told after the fact? use -ed. Is this being told as it happens like a reporter following him? use -ing. Change some of the "was" to "is" Just check to make sure it follows through the whole piece.

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Review of Character Sketch  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: Actually what I read here is very skeletal. No real flesh to see the man and what really is driving him. I see his goal is to find and avenge his familles killers. But are they one and the same? If two different factions this might not happen in his lifetime. What really MOTIVATES him? He didn't know his first parents, how does he know anything about their deaths? From Leon and Louise? (Great names, easy to remember) What did this couple teach him? You had no favorite reading material. He doesn't read? If he were schooled, he had to read something. He might not like it for entertainment, but there is a need read even it its a wanted poster.
His ambition: At 34 he is nearly at the end of a "fantasy" life. They usually start young and go through many battles and some never reach 30 suns/moons does he have a birthday Or do they go by the moon cycle.
You said he takes pride in his work- what does he do? fight all day and whom does he fight with, for and against every day? He needs a vocation other than fighting and flinging a sword around.
he likes to swim. He like to whittle, good choices there. but he is only bothered by the fact these warriors evade justice.
Who made him God that he can dispense justice without a trial? Is he really any different than those that killed his parents? These are questions you might think about when you are building on to your character. Adding flesh to the bones so to speak



What I Liked: I can't wait to see where he goes and who he meets that will change his life.

You have an open slate to work on. When you start to build the setting and the mind set of Ryder this will be fun to read. Good job!
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Review of Chapter Template  
Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good job with the template. I remember reading this book. I read all her earlier books. You have it down to the bare bones, clear and concise.
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Review of Stand My Ground  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Jordi

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Kate is on her way to court to give testimony in a trial, but the reader doesn't discover that until near the end. The actions of the MC are calculated to bring the reader through her morning abolutions until she reaches the courthouse.

*Quill* Motivation: There was none really given. The reader must assume that whatever she is doing is important and will be told at the story goes one. No mention the reason for all her preparations.

*Quill* Setting: Present day, a cottage, probably in a rual area, no detail is really given to the setting.

*Quill*Conflict: There is no real conflict. Only the insinuation something has happened as all ask her how she is and respond with "You will be."

*Quill*Resolution: She arrives at the courthouse and determines to tell her story no matter what.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: I neither liked or disliked the story. It left me wanting more. There was a lot of verbiage given to detail.

*Quill*What Needs Work: What was the purpose of the story? There was a lot about her feelings but they were empty since the reader can't identify with her. All through the piece the reader is wanting to know the cause of her meloncholy. It never appears and leaves the reader disappointed.
When the alarm when off she let it beep long enough for her mother to ask if she were awake?
You tell us she gets in the car with her dad and then tell us what he's thinking. This is from her point of view. She really has no idea what he is thinking, unless she reads minds. She can assume that he doesn't want to talk about "what" you haven't told the reader "what" so another confusion.
From this point on you tantalize us with Time to walk through the courtroom and take the stand." , " It meant going back to a time where all she had felt had been fear, pain, anger and despair.", " stopping as they met his eyes, mocking and cruel, daring her to tell her story to the waiting members of the jury and the audience that had gathered to watch the trial." Who is HE? an attorney? a member of the gallary? the defendant? The reader has no ideas who you are talking about.
She felt as though a rod of steel had been inserted in her backbone, spreading throughout her body, strengthening her, giving her courage where before there had been none. What caused this? what happened to give her a sudden determination? It appears with no reason. You might have said. 'As she stared back at him, remembering all he had done(or what ever) she saw him as he was, a bully, captured and made to confront his crimes. She was the one here to do that. She felt as though a rod of steel had been inserted in her backbone, spreading throughout her body, strengthening her, giving her courage where before there had been none. There was no turning back. With a few added words you haven't told what is going to happen but you did tell the reader the things that actually go through a person's mind with they confront their accusor, if that's who HE is.
as the memories of that night flooded throughout her body. Images played through her mind like a film strip, silently replaying every second whilst her body felt every touch, every sensation that she had experienced. Now you are telling us something in the past but not if it was a good experience or bad? She may have loved him and enjoyed it at one time but something happened? The reader is lost. It hurt, it wounded, it flayed her alive like a whip across her tender young flesh but she knew she had to do this. What hurt? the memories? the actual act of something that happened? What was the nightnare? Did he abuse her physically? emotionally? hurt her or someone in her life? We don't know. You do, but we who are reading can only know what you tell us.
I can't really offer any suggestions here because I have no idea what happened to her. It was good testifying was helping her heal, but from what?


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206
206
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this poll. It limits the reader to two styles and one test subject. Asking if you want to become a Jedi or Wizard. I began to type the differences that were obvious; light sabers, star ships, odd looking characters, wands and magic and I had to stop. They weren't different. I will attest to the simalarities.

In both stories there are odd creatures, some over large, some human like and others not even close. They both involve the main character to learn to use a force within themselves. They both must harness or overcome an enemy bent on destroying them. Wizard or Jedi one goes through a process. We see Luke and Harry passing through a number of "books" to accomplish their goal. Both stories involve good triumphs over evil and both main characters have father issues.

Each installment has a particular goal that the reader or watcher finds themselves emmersed in. If you are into a Fantasy, the world Harry Potter lives in where the costumes fall into a pre-rennesaiance almost gothic period or style. In Star Wars, the costumes are sleek and shiny, some hide the personality of the wearer so the reader must discover the traits of that partiuclar character. A storm trooper for instance.
I found that the Jedi's character and mode of dress takes on the look of a Harry Potter Wizard. It flowes and moves. It covers them and gives them a bit of distance from the opposer.

The more thought I put into this poll the more I found the writing of Star Wars fall into the more technical and set for a post teen to an adult with the Sci-fi technology. It's target reader would be a post teen of an advanced IQ where Harry Potter is written where any person from age ten or twelve on up would understand and picture the world it creates.

Both characters have been immortalized on the screen. This puts a visual of the characters and the story in an easier frame to understand. We see the plots unfold and the Jedi Warrior perform his talent much the same way as the young wizard Harry must accomplish his craft. Two strong characters with very little diffence beneath the skin and only the world of the author has plucked them up and dropped them into the our particuar style of reading or movie watching.

Great job of a poll and for making me really think outside the box, not just accepting the genre or geographical area make the difference it the basic storyline.
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Review of The Waiting Room  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: There was a chance that as the story moved toward the end I would find out its purpose. The picture of the room, and setting was detailed as if I were sitting right there in the room with the main character. I could feel his pain and agony. The fact at the end she smiled was redeeming.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? He hoped that whatever was happening behind the doors of the hospital were successful and when it all came out he would be the winner.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? There is a brief moment when we are told he is an officer and that there would be a promise of a future in his life.
Tensions had been building between them. Questions hanging unasked and unanswered every time they were together. Would they have the chance to sort out their problems or would it end with nothing resolved and an emptiness clawing at him. If only you could turn back time. But you couldn’t, all you could do was try to put things right which was what he was going to do if he got another chance. This was the only time the reader has a clue about what is going on.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? He is in a hospital, he has bruised knuckles and then we find out his wife is in surgery and there is worry about her.

*Pencil* Resolution: It seems that the wife has had a little boy, she and the baby are okay and she smiles at the husband and there seems to be hope for the furture.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? There is very little character development here. Mostly there is a whole lot of setting descripton. We see what the room is like, how he feels while sitting there and what he is dressed in. There are many paragraphs depicting what he is seeing and thinking about in this room. We only know he is distraught and worried, in great detail but not what about or how it happened.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work: Less about the color of the room, his eyes and what he is wearing. More about what went on and why he is there and what is the reason behind the conflict. Why is he esstranged from his wife? Why is he worried they won't have a future? It seems as if this is a moment in time taken from inside another story. We don't have a beginning, middle or end. we just have an end.
You are very good at description but not about telling a story. If you want to leave all the first part as is, just insert what happened to bring him to this situation.
Was it his job that kept him busy? Did she worry about him not coming home and leaving her to raise their child alone? Did she come to resent his job and him dur to the fact she was pregnant and all her emotions were heightened? You need to give the reader a reason to continue. I had to force myself to plow through all the wordiness in hopes there would be some big revelation but you disappointed me when they just smile and THE END.



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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Beatrix

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.

Hi Bea-I think you have revived this work. I remember reading it before but I checked to see there were no ratings from me so you must have posted it new.

*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Malachi is a reporter. He choses to do an on site report about the persecution of Christians. In order to get the full effect he is forcefully persuaded to "fake" his salvation and act as if he truely became a christian. Now he can experience first hand what that entails.

*Quill* Motivation: The open persecution of the christian is an accepted action. Malachi seems to have sympathies toward this group and desires to publicize the wrongness of any kind of persecution of the christians.

*Quill* Setting: The setting to me was confusing. At first there is reference to Photoshop, a radio news cast and then cars. The characters names and living references are Biblical and the theme about persecuting christians is biblical. The crossing of the focus of the story and the setting puts the reader at odds as it unfolds. If the reader has Biblical knowledge it is confusing, if not the whole focus of the story and its characters is lost.

*Quill*Conflict: Malchi endures many conflicts from the time he chooses to "become" a christian for the sake of a story and what actually transpires in his life. The consequences of his choice are far reaching and have a consequence he didn't expect or forsee.

*Quill*Resolution: Malachi becomes a christian in fact not act.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: As I stated above the reality of the setting versus the story conflict the readers mind. I don't think you can set this in the present day with this type of goal. I don't believe christians are as hated openly as they were back in Biblical days. I had to read it though very slowly the second time because I assumed too much the first time. My knowledge of the characters interfered with the story. I like the premise and I think you have a great story idea.

*Quill*What Needs Work: The story is broken into chunks that makes it hard to follow. Since I know what you are trying to do I would like to make some suggestions. First make the setting in Biblical times. Keep the reporting as you have but make it all from Malachi's perspective as he moves through the days. I suggest you start with his persecution in bed. Then as he is cowering in the corner of his home after putting out a fire and dodging a rock or two he recounts how he came to be in this situation. He was pressured into doing this report for the Israel Monitor. The editor thought it might increase circulation and $ if it were a week to week series.
Now as Malachi is experiencing the hatred and backlash of his job he asks to be released from it but the Editor says more people are buying the Monitor. No.
insert the paragraph that starts with Malachi didn’t sleep well for the rest of the night and go one.
One more thing. The last part when he is "coverted" isn't realistic. If you are going to convert Malachi it had better be because HE sees the reality of Christ as the son of God and that HE needs salvation. Paul will have to tell his own conversion so Malachi can understand. You leave the reader to assume this but if you don't have a Christian reader, they will totally be lost as to what you are trying to say. What is your true goal here? To show christian persecution? or that when one immurses themselves into a difficult situation, it may change your life so becareful what you choose.
You have no defined setting. As conversation goes on and people move through the story, they are not connected to the world they live in. We don't hear or see what they hear or see. Just what is in the room when Malachi's home is attacked.
Adrenalin doesn't "float" it 'pounds', 'courses', 'gushes', this is the feeling we have because of what it does to our nerves.



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Review of Belonging  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Jordi

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Goal of Main Character: None is given here. We don't know as this seems to be the first section of a chapter. I guess that Kayla may be the main character. We learn at the end of the piece she is a vampire. As she discribes Arik he must be a warewolf. In keeping with the fiction of the day.

*Quill* Motivation: Kayla has been in some kind of fight and at first it seemed to be one of a nature fight. Like a storm of some kind. There didn't seem to be anything that told me any different or gave me a clue to what really happened to the the group.

*Quill* Setting: I am not sure. There seems to be tents of some kind so I thought at first this was an Indian village of sorts. The few discriptions seem to lead to that kind of life style, pre-modernization as there wasn't homes or roads. There was a cookpot over a platform and she calls it a camp.

*Quill*Conflict: This is obscure. Something happened. Whatever it was it lead Kayla to believe there might be some annimosity. The fighting had raged and there were deaths but no reason why the fighting encured other then it was for a cause. Kayla was a stranger in the village and she may have been the cause of the fight.

*Quill*Resolution: She was content with Arik they were a soon to be mated couple and was home with him.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: The story moves along with a lot of personal detail involving her wounds but not how she got them. There is a little bit of her interaction with one of the villagers and the setting but not enough to put the reader into the story. By the end I am totally confused and I think disappointed.

*Quill*What Needs Work: In reference to the last sentence above I find the diviation from the traditional myths should be done by very good writers. Ones who have a grasp of storytelling. Stephanie Meyer is a great story teller. I think she's not so good a writer but her target reader is forgiving. This piece needs to be longer. Who is Kayla? what was the conflict and what is her goal in all of this? There isn't enough connection to her or the setting or the action to make me want to read anymore. I don't care. I need to care for her and her situation. She is secure by the end of the piece so all is well. On to other things. All the conflict above is resolved since she is fine at the end.
To continue this story you have to make the reader want to know what is going to happen next. You tell too much. Leave out the mating thing that should be a question the reader has, how can a warewolf and vampire get together? Now enough books have this so you have to be very careful in setting up the world they live in and the boundaries of their world. It has to be believable. Think Grimm, Once Upon a Time and Twilight (though I never read or seen the movie, I have read enough paranormal books that I know good from bad) Most are badly written and sell for $1.99 on amazon. It takes time to build a world; do that first then put your characters in it. Once you have their Goal, motivation and the conflict you can add the other character's storyline to enhance yours.



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210
210
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear gledr

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Goal of Main Character: I do not know for sure who is the main character is none was defined. My guess is either Rijon and/or Masia. One a dragon slayer the other the dragon.
I don't know what the goal is for sure but Rijon must slay dragons for some reason and Masia is her counter balance and must kill him.

*Quill* Motivation: Because the prologue is backstory there isn animosity between the elves and the dragons. I see no motivation for this wonton killing. It may be surmised that because there is a long standing feud between the two it seems the reason was long forgotten and the killing is the motivation for both sides to exsist.

*Quill* Setting: a Planet in the solar system. There isn't any real description of the setting but there are clifts, a river and I am guessing somewhere each side lives. No description of the land or living arrangements.

*Quill*Conflict: Rijon has killed dragons and met up with elves, she ran to the window and climbed outside. He saw her running toward two dragons. When he was confronted by the two dragons Rijon was terrorfied but he was put to sleep by a spell.

*Quill*Resolution: I don't know. This seems to be a part of a larger work so there may be more to the story

*Quill*My Overall Impression: Very wordy with no substance. Action with no detail and too much information one time and not enough in others. I like fantasy so I was interested in what the goal of the main character was going to be. I was disappointed.

*Quill*What Needs Work: 1) put the prologue in your file folder and then mark off the parts you insert into the story as it goes along. Most works don't TELL you the backstory at the beginning so dont. An editor will cut it out. Do it now so it wont hurt so bad later when you are married to the story.
2) In regards to the prologue how could SHE make dragons out of clay when SHE was just creating (that means from nothing)the planets for the first time. If they were created before where were they while she created the planets and where did Ledar live? As a Supreme RULER she had to rule something what was it? Were there dragons in that place?
3)What were they to do for their planet they didn't do and what happened to it. If you plan on giving this information it has to mean something of importance to the story. It doesn't.
4)40 days and night? Really? and on what planet? If the # of days and nights it rained was important than we would want to know on what planet, what were the results and why? they were hardy why did they need 40 days and nights of rain?
5) a machine that harvested? who ran it? If it was Ledar who created and destroyed, it doesn't make sense she would make a machine to harvest the plant life. She would just destroy it with wind, rain, heat. Oh yes, mars is closest to the sun so maybe she moved it there.
6) The war between the elves and the dragons is obscure. I didn't get it. There has to be a better reason they couldn't live in harmony. How about the early dragons didn't want to work (basically the reason why they didn't take care of their planet?) The elves were hard working. The dragons stole from the elves to exsist. The elves fought back so the dragons had to use their intellegence to out manouver the elves. They saw at night and would steal their crops at night. But then are the vegetarian? if they eat meat they might steal their livestock. Cattle, chickens, pigs etc. You choose.
7)Ledar created the elves. She modelled them after the humans. That’s basically what they were. But, knowing about the dragons’ flames, Ledar gave the elves the gift of magic. Where were the humans she used as models? You are the creator of this story but you've left out too much of the details. As I suggest cut the whole prologue and keep it close. Fill in the answeres to my questions then drop them into the story as detail for the characters.
The next part was all dialgue with no detail, no real setting and description. I didn't understand the meaning of any of it. You have these sections set aside that don't connect and the reader has trouble getting from one place to another. Here is my suggestion What is the Main Character's Goal in this whole story? What motivates him/her to continue to that goal? What conflicts happen along the way to prevent them from reaching that goal. What did they learn when they reached it? What side story's do you have that help set the stage to round out the storyline.
Think of the Hobbit. Can you fill in the GMC for it? How does it compare to your story?



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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Rie

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Jesus has come to the temple as was his desire. The writer tells us He watches the people. The observation is one that is transcribed for all time to show that he was looking at the heart of the giver not what she wore.

*Quill* Motivation: The writer tells us that in sitting here Jesus wasn't doing any of his normal interaction with the public but quietly sat observing the people as they came to temple and put their money into the treasury.

*Quill* Setting: It is pre 30AD and the setting is the temple in Jerusalem if my memory serves me. He is accompanied by his disciples and this is the time that people of all walks of life come to worship and pay their tithe.

*Quill*Conflict: Since I know more of the story than what the writer wrote I will try to keep to what is written as it doesn't entail the whole incident. As the writer tells us there were people from all walks of life coming to tithe at the temple. The rich gave much and but the Lord pointed out that one woman, a poor widow, gave but two mites. This was all she had but it was her duty to pay and she did.

*Quill*Resolution: The writer's outlook on this was a different emphasis on what is normally given. The writer points out that God looks on the heart not the vestige of a person and what they appear and present isn't always what they are inside. This is an obvious statement of the facts.


*Quill*My Overall Impression:
What the writer points out that the Lord told his disciples the outward actions of the rich compared to the widow's donation didn't compare as favorable.


*Quill*What Needs Work: The beginning leads the reader down a meandering pathway of repetition for two paragraphs that could be combined. One sentence of what he isn't doing is enough.
What I had issue with, because I know the story well, is that it stopped short of the true meaning behind the Lords observation. This was a very superficial look at something that had more depth to it. He does know our hearts it stopped short of the goal which is the way or manner in which we serve or give service to God. I read the words and they say what you mean but it just felt a little flat since you didn't go any deeper than God looks at your heart. To use Samuel as your back up didn't fit with what Jesus was trying to tell his disciples. He wasn't saying "Look I see your hearts" They knew that, they had been following him . Their lives had been changed by him. Did you think that was all he was trying to say to them? He saw beyond the outward appearance of their giving and He saw the heart behind it. This sentence is like saying The sun shines. We all know it. But if you say "After weeks of rain I really appreciate this sun. Now we know how you really feel because we have a better idea of what went on before. for they all put in out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all that she had, this was the only clue to the reader if they had never read the Bible what you were trying to say. I suggest you write NOT to the Biblical reader but to the Un-Biblical reader. What do you want them to get from this passage?"



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Review of The Collector  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Writer

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.


*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Jimmy had a collection of precious objects. He started with one and gradually added to that collection over the years. There isn't an end to the goal unless it is to be caught while he "collects." These treasures are not purchased or given freely. They come with a cost to the holder.

*Quill* Motivation:None is given other than Jimmy derives the pleasure of accruing each treasure. The holder or giver has no particular attraction. Everyone is a potential donor to his collection, so the choice is more opportunity than decision.
He’d found her walking down the street, her mini skirt barely concealing anything. Her almost skeletal frame made the singlet she wore hang off her body, and from her blemished skin and lank, dead blonde hair, it was apparent that she was a drug user.

*Quill* Setting:None is given other than it is probably the twenteth century. There are lights and cars. Other than that, this story could take place anywhere in the world.
Once he’d convinced her to get into his car, it had been easy to slip her some chloroform as she had fumbled to undo the buckle on his pants. She’d gone out like a light.

*Quill*Conflict:There isn't any conflict. There is no consquence given in this short tale. It is a moment in years of similar moments. The reader feels the possiblity of Jimmy being caught but that hasn't happened. In this time we see all too many cop shows and know what could and will eventually happen. The reader has filled in the blanks left by the writer which is the purpose. Jimmy has no fear of being caught. No sense of right or wrong.

*Quill*Resolution:None. This is as if we were dropped into the prologue of a TV show. We see the crime then cut to the commercial. The resolution is in the catching. Here we see just the action.

*Quill*My Overall Impression:I am very impressed with the writing and the author's ability to lead into and build up the story to the end. I couldn't stop. I had to know what the treasure was. I had to know why he coveted this treasure. I loved the fact that the treasure was not reveald until the culling action took place. My mind was horrified and rebelled at the picture the words formed into my resisting mind. The action further shook me as he turned the hammer around. I was glad to see the end. Truely horrifying and I am sorry you missed the cut off of the contest. In my opinion it would/should have won. Excellent horror story. What I like to do in a review like this is to not reveal the story so anyone who reads this will want to click over on the link and read it themselves.

*Quill*What Needs Work: I didn't find anything wrong. Reading this was like the time I got on a ride at Universal Studios thinking ii to be a kid type ride (THE MUMMY) and found it a roller coaster and just hung on for dear life with my eyes closed until it stopped.


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Review of Reunion  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Conner,

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Goal of Main Character: There are many that make up the Main Characters. I think the MC in this case may be the dead friend. The members of the old softball team are reuniting in his memory. The people mentioned are a wealthy man named, James. Dante, who we know nothing about except he is married to Andrea. There are a few others mentioned who are on their way

*Quill* Motivation:I am guessing the reason why people go to a funeral/memorial is to see who is left of their friends. Who has changed, who has not.

*Quill*Conflict:None yet, but the fact that no one goes to Rowan City sounds as if it may be ominous.

*Quill*SettingWe read about Rowan City where no one goes any more. This city has no connection in geography to something familiar. We read that the characters are from familiar cities but not the relationship to this unknown town. We don't know the era either. There must be transportation from the larger cities to this small town. Also the "Big Easy" is an twentieth century tag.

*Quill*Resolution: None given. This looks to be a beginning of a larger work.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: There is a lot of ambiguous information given with a list of characters. They have all been called to a funeral. There isn't enough information about the plot to determine what the ultimate goal will become. There are no clues to the story given.

*Quill*What Needs Work:
The only thing I see right now is adding setting, and more of the set up of the story. Also as this is just the beginning you leave the reader with no desire to continue. There isn't anything here that hooks the reader to look up the next chapter.
If there is a mystery here, you might have some of these people give their thoughts about the dead. Did they all dislike him? maybe infer there was an issue with one, all are keeping it a secret? something they all knew and are a little concerned about meeting? Maybe the fact he died in a car crash is suspect?
If you have a hook or idea of where this story is going. Add it to the bottom as a question or comment.
"One of the arriving guests has a bone to pick with the group." or "Who might not be so sad the Gary is dead?" Just a thought.


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Review of Holding a Grudge  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Dear

This comes as my opinion and is not meant as a criticism of the writer. Please accept my comments offered in kindness. You may do what you wish with them.



*Quill*Goal of Main Character: Mallory returned to a pub he once frequented many years ago. Some things had changed, others had not. The faces were different but the situations seemed to be the same.

*Quill* Motivation:This was a bit of a miss. I don't know why he was at the pub or why he came back from America.

*Quill*Conflict:At first Mallory tried to be friendly with the gents in the pub, but life had interfered and he became the brunt of their anger with life.

*Quill*Resolution:Mallory retaliated striking Tom who fell. He was carried from the pub to an ambulance and the police asked Mallory to come to the station for questioning.

*Quill*My Overall Impression: I read this because you are new to the site. I like helping the new writers. I hope my suggestions will have you editing and learning more about the craft from others as I did.

*Quill*What Needs Work:
First of all you need to format your work so it is easier to follow. All conversations start a new paragraph, at least for now. There are exclusions but you need to start somewhere.
To get away from Paul he walked over and said hi. Do ye mind if I join ye ? Suit yourself one said. Tom and Donald were the names of the men he knew. I'm Mallory he told the third man. John's my name he said sticking out his hand. Well, how are things going lads ? How the hell do you
think they're going said Tom we're living on State handouts and lucky to have enough for a few pints on a Sunday. Yes added Donald the Government is running us into the ground, all the money is going to pay the Bank debt. Tom, who Mallory remembered as a hard man said you
seem to be doing all right. Not too bad, things are a bit better in America but I had to leave a few people go to keep afloat. In an effort to lighten
the mood he told the barman to give them the same again.
Paul he walked over, and said "Hi Do ye mind if I join ye?"
"Suit yourself," one said. Tom and Donald were the(ir) names of the men he knew.
"I'm Mallory," he told the third man.
"John's my name", he said sticking out his hand.
"Well, how are things going lads?" (insert) Mallory sat across from the men and rested his pint on the table.(this is an action that gives the men some sense of reality)
"How the hell do you think they're going?" said Tom. "We're living on State handouts and lucky to have enough for a few pints on a Sunday."
"Yes," added Donald. "The Government is running us into the ground, all the money is going to pay the Bank debt."
Tom, who Mallory remembered as a hard man said, "You seem to be doing all right."
"Not too bad, things are a bit better in America but I had to leave a few people go to keep afloat." In an effort to lighten the mood he told the barman to give them the same again.
See how I changed the format? It makes it easier to read and to follow who is talking. Your format was a little confusing.
Next, you are mixing -ing (present) with -ed (past) stick to one all the way through. Also watch how much you use -LY words.
I know this is a lot for you to think about this early in the writing. Write the rules down and keep them handy when you are writing.
Mallory looked at him and thought here's the school bully who's turned into the town drunk threatening me again. He'd had enough of this. -ed then an -ing.
Here is a suggestion. Tom's remark reminded him of the days when Tom bullied him at school. He hadn't changed, he still had a temper and the drunk threatened him again.
this keeps the whole thing as if you are telling the story as in a past tense. If you are telling it as it is happening, then change everything to -ing and leave off the -ed.
Mallory shook his head at the remark, Tom's the same bully now as he had been in school. There was no way this beer belly, flabby, man could take on himself. He worked out at the gym and knew he could out fox Tom this is in present tense.

I wondered why Mallory was at the pub? Why was he there from America? (pssst!) what happened next? you have my curiosity.


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Review by Quick-Quill
Rated: E | (3.5)
I think your poll is too broad. You may want to link a couple of polls together. I love fiction-short stories, I like humor too and I love a good love story.. You might make your poll about What kind of Fiction do you read? or Do you pick a genre when you look for something to read? How about dividing the same poll by What do you read? What do you write? Just some thoughts.
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Review of Escape  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I found this story in the Action/Adventure newsletter. At first I thought I might not get through it, but I persevered until the end. What I especially liked and at the same time a hindrance was the over description of everything. I had a mental picture of Leon: Office Space Milton Waddams played by Steven Root. Over and over the actions walked in the shadow of my vision. To the end I saw it all in my minds eye and I felt satisfaction.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? to make a change in his life. He feared anything new, outdoors or having to do with other people.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Why? did he want to change? what was the benefit? None was given. This decision to do something different was so against his life style that I kept reading to see why he went to a therapist, and why he felt he needed to change. No explanation answered my questions.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Here is were you excelled up the hill. His own nature was the biggest conflict. He seemed to back away from anything that meant change so the conflicts were in his own mind. He is assailed by fear of his response to the car, its driver and what it might mean.

*Pencil* Resolution: Abruptly we find he achieved his Goal

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? You have the gift of looking up descriptive verbiage that slows as the reader must assimilate what you have written to understand your character. You were so detailed in your characterization I had no problem picturing him. Most of his actions followed the pattern you set, but sometimes I felt he acted out of character.
When he saw the black car and woman the first time, I didn't believe his actions. Any man I know, even the most shy would have stood where she couldn't see him and watched her to see if she really had him in mind. To walk away from the window and go to bed seemed an unrealistic response. I LOVED the way you described him when the car stopped beside him at the bus stop! Even your car description "land-yacht" was a visible thing. I owned a MARK IV &V Lincoln and know what those boats were. I had to smile as he got in.
Leon's thoughts as he drove away were spot on. So in character.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I mentioned above some of his actions that didn't set well with me so I won't repeat them here. You are so overly detail in all the other places. One of the other things that bothered me was him putting on the jacket. He Headed out for another day- where? I assumed to work where he might wear a suit (my vision) to wear the jacket he must remove the suit coat. This might also be symbolic of making a change, accepting the new. A black jacket over a suit coat would look odd, trying to LOOK tough but clinging to the old Leon. You might want to add that action in as it makes what happens at the end feel better to the reader as the clue was further up in the story. That AHA moment at the end.
You may have hope the reader assumed he made that change, but don't, show the reader the action so they are in the moment.


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Review of HOW MANY  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello !
I just finished reading your posting and I would like to offer this review of my humble opinion. I hope that you will find it helpful.

Overall Review: The title caught my eye, it was a random selection yet like a NASCAR race I looked for the wreck at any time. The forthwith explanation intrigued me to the point I continued reading to the end.

Style of writing: This was an article written for the enlightenment of men around the world but specifically for those living in the United States. The writing states the problem, then details the authors vision to solve the problem. There is also specific details reasoning why each situation must be handled in the manner described.

What I Liked: I was unable to close the page and go to another. Kudos to a well thought out piece of work. I agree in partial to your theory but not, however, your thought process its a little skewed.
I thought your explanation of the size of the family unit was interesting. Each number of wives was detailed to why the dynamic wouldn't work for the men. The women, always came out looking bad no matter what the reason given.
I thought the use of common slang phrases fit very well in this editorial. It seems that when one turns the words into a different setting, the meaning isn't lost on the reader. I smiled at some of the explanations.


What Needs Work: The world will have 400 % less women to be concerned about. Men in government can relax; they can create new laws for this new situation. Men of this world should take note, already there are women getting ready to ‘burn Rome while the men are fiddling around.’ No names will be mentioned, A few of them are already peed off as it is. The summation of this article doesn't make a lot of sense in relation to the above points. What laws are you talking about? What are the women you speak of going burn and what are their reasons for doing so.
The man will be so busy keeping all of his household happy that time for silliness will disappear, he will have no reason to ‘look’ around and I will suggest that such an idea will be very foolhardy, one peed off wife is one thing, but five! How does the husband keep his family happy? What do you mean by "look" around? If he has these wives, what would one more or two more relationships mean?


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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love a sappy feel good heartwarming story. This one had all the promise of becoming one.
Note: You kept to the right tense throughout the story

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Everton want to find his birth parents. He travels to the place he was last known to try to connect with someone who may be his mother. He is sure her name is Amanda.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Like any adopted child they want to know why! And then to see if there is some love that they can connect to.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Everton doesn't succeed at first but he continues to look. He finds a possible mother but there is no recent address. He is then told she will be in town and he drives to be there but witness an accident. He saves the man but misses the chance to see the woman.

*Pencil* Resolution: It is a happy ending when Father, mother and Everton are reunited. A very predictable ending.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story?
Not really. We know Everton is a budding Medical research scientist with a handle on curing cancer.

*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
This story reads like a detailed outline. If you take this outline and then have the characters TELL the story it will be much better. What you did was to tell the reader the story in a quick fix.
At times your characters told the story and other times you as the writer told the story.
The transitions between times weren't smooth nor were the transitions within the time frames smooth. You tell too much too fast. While the story is very predictable, when you write this try to find a way to put conflict in that makes the reader continue. Make them think the ending might be different than what they predict, even if it isn't.

Let's say for instance that you have Everton save Ervin's life first. Not as an accident but because this man has a gene in his body that is resistant to some cancers. Actually is immmune. The two talk a lot. They have something in common in that Everton has a cell in his blood that is resistant to come cancer. He has used his blood to help people but really wants to find how to replicate his DNA.
Ervin is a medical secret for Everton and if his body were discovered he might be kidnapped, so he lives a quiet life near the hospital where young Everton works.

Do you see where I am going? You need to set up a story line different than what is expected then throw in the adoption thing. He goes to visit his mother or she comes to visit and introduces her to Ervin. While the two talk the subject of children and marriage come up (Mothers always ask) and find that Ervin has a secret love. Everton decides to see if Amanda might still have feelings for Everton.....Blah blah. This is just a suggestion, but you see how a story might be laid out so that at the end when Everton finds out that these two are his parents, the reader had no idea either and is crying with joy when you reveal the truth.

Go through and count the words that end in -LY. They are, according to publishers, dead giveaways to poor writers. Change the sentence to show the same thing without using an -ly word. On line you can find words that mean the same thing without -LY.
Don't worry I and many others have this to work on too.




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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love old general stores, and antique shops. There was once a shop call Simpler Times and this story reminded me of that store. The descriptions filled in the spots where my emotions cared about Kate. I could sympathize with her. I wish a times I could do the same. Just drive with no real destination. What I also love about this story is it is about hope. Hope to finding peace, a place to belong and possibly someone to share it with. I love the end because it gives the reader a chance to make their own ending

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To run a away from life. She lost her job, she has no real roots or deep friendships so she just runs toward the one place she felt was home.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? She is lost. She doesn't really have hope anymore. This seems to be a spur of the moment, get away from the things that hurt her and go toward the place she last felt peace, welcome and love.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Her car. The A/C died, the humidity and heat index were above comfortable so I guess this must have been in the south part of the country. Having driven the back roads of Southern IL, and Mo, I know the distance to a gas station and store are few and far between. Kate experiences this as she stops to get a much needed drink and finds her car is overheated, spewing water and steam from the radiator. There is no phone at the store, the nearest mechanic is miles away and there is a storm brewing.

*Pencil* Resolution: Kate spends the night with Evie and James Keller. The next day the mechanic shows, checks out her car and adds water that seems to hold at least until they can get to his shop. However, the story doesn't end there. What Kate learns about herself in her conversations with Evie and then the optimistic response to their son, Brady, the mechanic is heart warming and well represented.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We learn about Kate and her financial situation and her desperate flee to the country to find a spot where as a child she felt safe. We learn about Evie and James who have found contentment in the life they have chosen, but raised their children to follow their own hearts. Brady, while content with his hobby, reaches out to try something different.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
Nothing of consequence. Check out the -LY words, at least that was what someone pointed out to me. I don't have a problem with them, but some publishers do so keep them to a min. they seem to be red flags unless you are an established author, but then if you were, you wouldn't be using them *Smile*



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Review of The Flower Girl  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love a little story about the one that was "sent away." I loved your story and the plot line. I liked the professional way April handled the couple while secretly berating them. While I was shocked at her retaliation, it was mean and uncalled for, to her it was justified. I would have taken the case to the lobby and put it in storage with a note that it was left in the elevator, unknown origin. But that's just me.(no evidence to get rid of) I loved her side thoughts at the first meeting.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? To provide her arch nemesis a floral order that would please her and her guests. I think it was also to prove to herself that she had grown up and could act professional in spite of the old feelings of rejection. Positive reinforcement that her work was respected by someone with status.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? April needs the money, in spite of the fact she is faced with the constant reminder that her best friend stole her boyfriend; and they seem to be very happy together. The referrals alone could push her over the hump to the success she needs.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? First there is the fact that her ex-best friend wants April to provide the florals for her wedding. The groom was April's boyfriend at one time. The biggest conflict is April herself. She has to face the two on a regular basis and be professional when all she wants to do is stamp her feet and throw a fit. Each meeting, April must overcome her feelings of rejection.

*Pencil* Resolution: Ah the suitcase. I don't need to say any more

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? You have shown the characters in progression from the past to the present. Life changes us, what we might have done in the past must be tempered with reality and the goals for the future. I got the impression the wedding couple, while well aware of the past, saw nothing but good will from April through the wedding plan process.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
You repeat the couple are very successful, are rich and spend a lot of money often. You do it in different ways, but it is noticeable. I would rather read about April. What are her plans for the money she is going to make off this wedding. Maybe have her notice that her cards are gone from the holder, or she is surreptitiously asked for her card or slipped a phone number to call for an appointment.
The photographer was a nice addition but it went no where. Why put it there if he isn't someone she noticed before with interest. Maybe have had some previous conversation, or maybe he is a friend of the family and kind of knows there was once a connection between April and Ken. He sees her professional handling of the situation and is even more interested in he. He seemed like a ship passing in the dark.
"Just trying out the new last time. It fits, don't you think?" Did you mean last NAME? I was a little confused at this.



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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I kept reading to see if it got better, more understandable, the promise of understanding at the end? The idea was good. The maze was good. Good spacing and easy to read.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? I am not sure. She was a ghost tied to the maze by her husband for some reason. I think she was supposed to scare people but she didn't.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? I think she wants to cross over and meet her maker and not be stuck on earth.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?She was buried on unholy ground. She has lived long enough to see many "Lords" come and pass.

*Pencil* Resolution: I couldn't find one. There was something missing in the story.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Not really.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
This was written more like a monolog to an audience, not as a crafted story. I don't see an audience or someone listening.
The story is told in blocks of information tossed out unbeknownst to the reader. I kept looking for the point of the story.
The three questions above should have concrete answers. Goal, Motivation, Conflict then the end.
You mix -ed and -ing through out the story so I'm not sure if this is told in the past or if you are telling it as it happened and throwing in the past. You might want to tell this from the time she died to the present with some goal in mind.
. The next weird thing is that at times humans move their mouth, throw things or bend as if petting something. For me, it's terrible funny, and sometimes I laugh out loud. Please explain what was so funny?
He's the one who told me to stay put, since my presence scares the visitors. Then My Lord would close the maze and who knows what would become of me. I called them Yew, because they tended to be slow growing and long lived, like the tree. Yew would always tell the visitors about the ghost, although he forbade me from showing myself. I felt that both annoying and unfair. each sentence makes no sense by itself and the actions don't connect to each other so I have no idea what you tried to convey.
My Lord kept running around the maze in his funny costume. This confused me the most. It looked sometimes that Daphne and the youngster were running after My Lord, other times they were running from My Lord. What did the costume look like? Why were they running? What does this have to do with the rest of the story?
Later a man is going to kill him, why? his answers made no sense with the beginning of the story. What did killing him have to do with the ghost?
I hope you take the questions I have posed and rewrite this story. I think there is a good plot lurking in the shadows of the Yew (the bush they make the mazes with)waiting to come out.

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Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: You got me! Here I was reading along and in my mind the very same incident with my son came to mind. I marched my little mind right along with the story until Frank got to the classroom. POP! my bubble burst and I was in shock as I read and then reread the end. I was surprised to say the least. I LOVED the last line. I will leave it for someone to discover on their own.I don't want to say a lot in this review as I want to encourage others to read this delightful story.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Frank's grandson was bullied and hit at school so Frank came to confront the teacher and the bully.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Frank doesn't like the idea of his grandson, who is new to the school being picked on and hit. He feels he needs to step in to correct the issue

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?First Frank is in Chicago and his daughter lives in Washington (don't know if its the State or DC). He arrives at the school and is told the rules state he cannot enter a classroom unless he is a parent of a child there. The teacher tries to order him out of the classroom but that doesn't work either.

*Pencil* Resolution: Dave is snapped out of his daydreaming.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? YES!! What you start to think and what you end up discovering is something quite different and surprising.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
There were lots of things that came to my mind as I was reading the story, however I had to cross them off as the story progressed and I realized what was happening.
Where was Steve's father? Why didn't he step in? There was that question in my mind.
The paragraph where Frank enters the classroom needs a little work. The picture, while I am sure you had it defined in your mind did not come across in the words you wrote. I was very confused by his actions.
His face changed from here to the end of the paragraph was fine just the actions were confusing and could sure use better definition or description. I want to SEE Frank in all his anger.
Both hands were pressed to the front and back, and he swore he could see the air moving swiftly away from the book due to her actions. here was another place that could use better description. I could not see in my mind what was happening. Also it didn't tie the dream to reality. Was Dave in the present or was he part of the story world?




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Review of Katie's Christmas  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I love a good heart warming Christmas story. When good will is sent and returned without provocation on one person's part.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Katie needed a job. She had no idea where to go in this small town as it seemed to be hard hit by the economy.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? Times were tough and she needed income to provide for her and her two boys.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? She had be released from her job previously. She was the last hired and first fired so it was not her performance but seniority. She didn't know where to even look for a job.

*Pencil* Resolution: What goes around comes around.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Katie is shown as someone sensitive, religious but confused as how to react to something.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
Then she lucked up and found a job in the mill, I think you need to change the 'Lucked up" part. You are writing as if this is a conversation relating an incident and not publishing a story. It comes across too sloppy at the beginning.
“Yeah, I know. It doesn’t matter that there are some people out there that are not doing what they need to do. It all comes down to I got here last.” She stood up, Did she say this out loud or just think it? It didn't get a response from the boss, but I wasn't sure.
Katie packed up her few belongings, and started that long walk to the door. You didn't tell if she went home. It seems that she left work and went to the church then the school and with the boys. Did she drive so the stuff was in her car?
Pastor Bob watched in silence as Katie read. He could see a change coming over her. I think you should cut this paragraph or just start it from where she looks at the tapestry. It breaks the tempo and he has no further part in the story.
The church was beautiful, the Chrismon tree Christmas tree?
Katie bent down on her knees. “Grandma, this one is for you. This was odd. It seems she is at a school yard and gets on her knees? That seems out of character for her. I can see her closing her eyes and praying but getting on your knees in front of parents and others is a big risk. Maybe tears come and she reaches down to get a tissue from her purse then sees the envelope.
The thing that bothered me the most is the mixing of two cultures. One is the religious culture of God providing for a person. He cares for those who believe and call upon him for help.
The Santa Claus culture of good will is separate. It usually is something that is for children and continued by adults only until a child is old enough to realize that the jolly old man is really an intangible representing good will for children.
She receives a gift from S.C. that she allows her children to believe is from Santa, although she has prayed for intervention. She seems to be teaching them that Santa has more "power" than God. At least that is what this story is coming across to me.
Then she takes her money and gives it to the church, not with her children to see or teach them to return to God the goodness he provided.
This is not meant as being critical only my feelings as I read this conflicting action. Otherwise the story has good strength and merit.


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Review of Roots and Wings  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: I was excited to see what the story would be about. What would the two girls hear from the gypsy fortune teller?

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? They have escaped their home to venture to the beach to find the gypsies. Priscilla was curious and was there as a possible protector.

*Pencil* What motivates that Characters to continue to reach that goal? Sarah wants to hear their fortunes. She is enticed by the possibilities and if she will get her desire to become a dress and hat maker.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal?Their father warned them to stay away from the beach where the gypsies were.
Papa would get angry at her but she couldn’t help it. Sarah would often allow the dress designs that came to her mind to over rule the boredom of housework.

*Pencil* Resolution: The fortune came true. Sarah was off designing dresses and hats while Priscilla was on her way to America with her husband.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? We know the names of the girls and their desires, but not their relationship. Sisters? who is older/younger. The older would be more forceful about sticking to the rules; reminding the other.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
You mix -ed and -ing all in the part telling the past. They need to all -ed. Look at the beginning and see where you can change the -ing's which are present tense to -ed's to denote past tense.
What was hard to follow was inner thoughts of each girl. Going back and forth between their two minds.
Papa didn’t want them to go to the beach. He said the gypsies lived there As a rule Gypsies move often. They wouldn't LIVE on a beach. They would live near a woods at the edge of a town. Even though they are shunned, often they provided services to the locals as they passed though.
An old gypsy woman was standing in the sun before them. You might bring this in as the girls should have been more wary of the old gypsy woman. They might have been scared of having a spell put on them, but the pull of having their fortune read was more tantalizing.
silk dress pattern this would have been a dress not a pattern. As I recall, patterns were made from paper or flour type sacks. Sarah might have made her a dress to wear in the new world.
What was hard was the transition to the present. All that happened to bring her to that moment, is too fast.
Although Priscilla knew she had made the right decision to go to America rarely does a woman make this decision. This would be the husband's decision. He might discuss it with her but ultimately it is his choice. She was just going along for the adventure.
As the Mormons began their migration to the America's in the 1850's and later, some of this history would be interesting to know. If you have no word limit you can add what you want.
The great weight released it’s dark grip on her soul and her doubt had fled with the wind. What was this about? What was weighting her down? There was no indication of dread or worry or fear.
This ends with the beginning of her adventure and doesn't tell the fulfillment of the fortune told. We know Sarah's outcome but not Priscilla's.


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Review of The Clean Up  
Review by Quick-Quill
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Writer,

*Heart* Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion. *Reading*

*Pencil* What I liked about the story: This was a difficult issue but I thought it was very well put. The actions and thoughts of Elizabeth were real and accurate. I felt as I read that the writer had a personal knowledge with this incident. I think you have the basis of a good story.

*Pencil* What is the goal of the main Character? Elizabeth must find out what is going on between her parents. She is lost in the thoughts of her happiest memories as she tries to deal with a conflict that is going on around her.

*Pencil* What motivates that Character to continue to reach that goal? She is dependent on her parents. They are the focus of her life at this point and something is wrong. She tries to find out what it is.

*Pencil* What conflicts or situation are trying to prevent the main character from reaching the goal? Her sister Kaye will not answer her questions. Her parents aren't at home but have been visiting her grandmother more often than usual. Elizabeth runs different scenarios in her mind and isn't finding an answer.

*Pencil* Resolution: Life will change as she knows it. She will have to make changes too. She starts by aligning with her mother to show support.

*Pencil* Do the characters develop in this story? Elizabeth is of undetermined age. We do know she is a teen but not at what end of the spectrum. At times she thinks and analyzes as a adult (the writer coming through)Other times she reacts as a young teen might.
Kaye is written as an older sibling, but she reacts much like a spoiled brat when she is dealing with Elizabeth but different with her mother.
The dad is a figment of the readers imagination. He is shown very little and only from Elizabeth's childish perspective.


*Pencil* What do I think needs work:
I am not sure what class this is written for. If it for character description you have done an excellent job. However the story lacks continuance. The past sequence doesn't have anything to do with the present issue and takes too much description that goes no where. The whole first paragraph does not tell us what Elizabeth's goal is in this story. Does she need to get her homework done? Clean her room?
No, what I think you need to do is show her discontent (you did that)but in relation to an uneasy feeling she has had about her family dynamics. Why is this day so special? What caused her on this day to ask Kaye questions?
The junk drawer had nothing to do with the story, opening didn't reveal anything about her father or their situation. It leads the reader in a false direction with no conclusion.
There are a few things that don't make sense. Elizabeth stood and began cleaning furiously....Slowly and deliberately she vacuumed with energy she didn’t think she had. She had nervous energy. The actions you describe are fighting. When I am in a moment, I clean AND vacuum furiously. I do everything with no thought of consequences. That paragraph took a lot of time and I doubt she would be able to fall asleep in the middle of the day.
She had paraded into the laundry room in an attempt to be wise and mature and induce a truce. followed by a conversation Her mother didn’t reply. She sat motionless at the sewing machine holding an article of clothing from the pile of mending. when did mom go from the laundry room to the sewing room?
Leave out the junk drawer. Call it Whats up with Grandma? The Clean Up.
Start with the conversation with Kaye and then her fears about what is going on as she cleans, she thinks about her relationship with Dad and then with Mom and her worries about both. Then over the vacuum she hears the garage door and forces her feet to climb the steps dreading what she will find, to confront her parents. Then leave the end as is.
WATCH your endings -ed with -ings. Use them carefully.
These are all just suggestions from my point of view. This is your story to be what you want it to be.




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