Hi HOOves, I'm reviewing your Claddagh Rings & Gossamer Dreams as an extended commitment to review I Write entries and because I've become a fan of the poets who post here. I think the Claddagh Rings would be enough of a draw in your title. If it were mine, I'd save the Gossamer Dreams for the poem itself as a bonus to the reader.
This ballad like frame with quatrains with alternating lines of 6 syllable and 4 syllables and rhyme on the even lines had a melodic sound.
It tells the tale of vows made by two and the erosion of time. Then it falters, there is loss, I'm unsure why, it could be death, then again it could be betrayal. "Vow sacred to one soul" vows sacred to only one? I'm not asking you, I'm asking myself as the reader. There is a sadness there and again reinforced by "One heart stands unbroken" What stars out as a romantic happily ever after, seems not to be here. Which makes this interesting.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, one to ponder.
Oh Genipher, I've never seen anything like this. Amazingly after a few lines I was actually able to read it with the emoji's. I continue to review the I Write entries mostly because I am being exposed to genres like this which I've never imagined. What a delightful surprise this was.
As with all good stories we have Candy, the horse and her quest to have pizza. Through travail she finally arrives at her destination. We don't know how she liked it once received but she worked for it and was finally rewarded. What a nice message to send.
I have no clue how to look for missteps in this type of writing but I think that if an old gal like me can get the gist of it without having to refer to the writing below, you have a huge success on your hands. (After 4 months of posting here I just finally figured out how to use the emoji. I couldn't get it to come up before.)
Hi Tim, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Pressure Moments Time and Again. I am ashamed to say your offer a lot of GPs drew me to your poem, I'm working on getting enough for upgrade.
A review is seeing your poem through one reader's eyes, use what you think will help and ignore the rest. Honestly, I'm not sure your title would have enticed me to read this well thought out 16 line poem. Your quatrains made up of rhymed couplets delivers the message with efficiency and creativity. If it were mine, I would rethink the title to something that might pull in a reader.
Oh so true, "historically, folks watch the storms!" At Sonoma Raceway turn 3 always draws the most crowds because more crashes happen there.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow of the piece. Nothing jumped out at me.
I really liked the progress of this poem and loved the line "Own the grooves, Earth's shorter axis." I didn't quite get he connection with the last line of the poem. I will have to come back to this.
Hi Netty, I'm Tinker and I am reviewing your "Hide" found under the genre "Spiritual". A review is just seeing your poem through the eyes of one reader, use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
This 11 line, free verse poem holds a powerful message. "He resides in our presence even in death." I really liked, "He is the storm of life" Nice imagery.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow of the piece. What did jump off the page at me was L2 "he's", whenever using a pronoun referring to God the word should be capitalized "He's" I was taught it is a matter of honor and respect.
I thought this was a relatively simple spiritual poem with no surprise. I enjoyed reading your work.
Hi Jeff, I am reviewing your Olympiad found at I Write.
I like the Rondolet, such a simple straight forward frame. Your topic of course is what probably most of us are consumed with right now with all of the TV and press coverage, the Olympics.
You included a vast expanse in this small poem, from nations to coaches, fans and athletes right down to the elite, the winner. I liked it.
In the matter of review to help you improve, within this small frame I don't see any place to suggest improvement, except it is very generic. I wonder if it could have included something unique to these games now. Just thinking out loud and having no answer. Just something to set it apart.
Hi Neva, I saw this on Newsfeed and was prompted to read. I am unfamiliar with the Challenge under which was entered and the Baha'u'llah faith but I'm always open to learning. I have seen other poems of yours that referred to the faith.
This reads like a blog entry which follows your life. I find it very interesting, well crafted and informative. Since I'm responding in the Review space, I did scan for any way I could see to help improve your writing and of course found nothing. You are clear, articulate and a skilled writer.
" I'm not sure precisely why I fail," the simple answer in my mind was, it is the process of learning, growing. You are not stagnant, as good as you are, you can get better. That's daunting.
Good luck in the challenge and thank you for sharing so much of yourself here. I am a fan.
Hi Carly, I'm following you. I love reading this series you are presenting. Well at least this the 2nd I have read and loved. I know you are writing a series for Chinese New Year and you have me hooked.
I really like this poem. You speak through the horse. A magnificent animal. I've owned several through most of my adult life, one super smart and one was the dumbest animal I have ever encountered. The all have their own personality but all of them seem to be happiest when running. You captured their nature well.
I look forward to reading more. I might even try my own even though I'm not part of the challenge you seem to be accepting. You have inspired me. Thanks.
Hi Angel, Oh could I relate to this poem. I like your title, I didn't know I was going to read in your poem, my thoughts just this morning.
I liked the quatrains with alternate rhyme. xaxa xbxb etc x being unrhymed. It seem to fit the content. The rhythm in my opinion could be tightened up. example "However, there's no sandman here." Could be, There is no sandman here. The "however is unnecessary, its a poem not a conversation. There several places where smoothing the rhythm can happen. Use what feels right for you and ignore the rest.
Anyway, sleep continues to be the elusive need for me and this poem spoke to me, mirroring my frustration. Nice,
Wow Jay, Thank you for sharing your heart in this poignant piece. When it comes right down to it, that is what poetry is, sharing ourselves. You do it beautifully.
And the King James Version is hard to read for everybody. I have read the New American Standard all the way through, which is much easier reading but that took me a year. I dont think the bible is meant to be read from front to cover like a novel. Too much to ponder. It is meant to be read slowly, contemplatively.
Hi Lucifer, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your god is a creator. A reminder a review is seeing your writing through one person's eyes. Use what you feel helpful and ignore the rest.
Clearly you have a style of writing that you feel comfortable with and have no intention of changing. You shouldn't have to explain that to your reader or explain what your poem is about.
Honestly, I'm not sure I understand this poem even with the explanation. I thought it confusing.
But what I like about your poem is the repetion. The poem is chant like. It is a poem to feel.
Hi Angel, I'm reviewing your Regrets as a part of my personal goal to write reviews for all recent entries at I Write. You certainly are a welcome break from all of the (long) short stories. I had no idea there was a tweet category.
Such a small piece means every word matters. Since you are tweeting from the view point of my peeps, (I'm old, I am currently care taking my older husband. I live your tweet.) I was very interested in how this would play out.
Here are some questions reading this raised:
What is old? My best friend from grammar school on into our "old age" both of us soon to be 77) is now in a care facility with dementia. I on the other hand, still run my own insurance agency, care for my husband, am involved in my community and church, play with my grandkids and in general live a very active life. My husband, age 82 was very active until he crashed last year after open heart surgery and he is struggling to survive. I took him out of the nursing facility because he was dying there. He has rallied a bit since he came home but is still in a very weakened state. Way more information than you needed but I think you should consider being more specific than "old".
She'd let him touch them" who's them? what's them? them makes no sense to me.
How life could have been different? I don't know, most of my friends by our age feel whatever the choices we made, brought us to where we are. I wouldn't change a thing. Regrets, some people have them, but they have them from the beginning.
This would be my tweet: Everyone's gone now. Alone, I relive our life together. Would I have made different choices? Never.
I enter a new world with this tweet stuff. I was just playing. I liked reading your tweet.
Hi Carly, I am reviewing your Shen Yun as part of a personal goal to review all recent entries at I write. I am seeing more and more poems with a Chinese theme lately. I'm sure because of the Chinese New Year.
This piece is very informative. It almost reads like prose in lines. I do like the concept of comparing the ancient culture with the new modern China. I've always been fascinated by the Ancient customs. In the late 60s my husband and I were guests of the nephew of General Chaing Kia Shek at the Empress of China in San Francisco. It was a dinner honoring my brother-in law who was at that time leaving as Commander in Chief of the Presidio and through diplomatic channels was a friend of the General's. I saw first hand old Chinese tradition and honor. I felt like I had been promoted to princess with the servers bowing and almost carrying me as if my feet were bound. It was an experience I will never forget.
This was an interesting poem because of so much history. Thank you
HI Ken, Wow, a Mirrored or Double Acrostic! That's a challenge. I'm reviewing your poem Mexico Reavealed as part of my personal goal to review all entries at I Write this week. I'm glad I decided to this or I might have missed this gem.
Oooh, this has an ominous undertone. "darkness cannot be reversed". This poem takes that twist from tourist Mexico, serapes and sandaled feet to the alleys one dares not go. Really nice. "improv" was genius and even my auto correct wants to incorrectly correct it. I am awed by your skill.
I have no way of offering advise that would improve this poem.
I thoroughly enjoyed examining this poem. Too bad it really needs to be examined, not just read to realize the master at work. I loved this.
Hi Neva, I set a personal goal for myself to review the writing submitted to I Write this week, and your Candice's Secret Admirer is up. Another short story, a genre I've never tried to write. I'm in awe of the versatility and scope of some the writers here, including you.
I don't actively look for spelling, punctuation or syntax errors unless they disrupt the flow of the piece. A couple of housekeeping nits, 2nd paragraph "who was setting at the table" should be "sitting" and 6th paragraph "Candi don't don't have" I think these picky things need to be fixed.
Now that that is out of the way I want to tell you that I loved the concept and the surprise of your story. It was well told with clear images, interesting, complex characters and a twist. Great job!
Hi Cheri, I'm reviewing your Betrayal as part of my goal to review all poems submitted to I Write this week.
The chosen frame lends itself perfectly to the dark tone and loss of a dysfunctional love. I really liked how each stanza begins with a command to the betraying lover. At first craving, accepting what the narrator knows is dark but is unable to resist, pleading then moving to on to break the pattern even though she is not quite ready to let go, she does.
I can't see any thing I could suggest to help you improve. I thought it was skillfully written.
Hi Victoria, Welcome to WDC. I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your poem What happened? A review is just seeing your poem through one reader's eyes, use what us think is helpful and ignore the rest.
I was pulled in to read your poem by curiosity sparked by your title. your use of the line break in this 15 line, free verse piece allowed you to use no end stops or capitals. The poem is free of any punctuation except two appropriately placed commas. Nice job.
I don't actively look for spelling, punctuation or syntax errors unless they disrupt the flow of the poem. L13 barley. I think you meant barely. You might want to fix that typo.
This is a poem with a broken heart. It gratefully doesn't drag out the angst. It was typical of young love breakup poems. To make it extraordinary it needs a surprise or twist. Honey to vinegar is a pretty common parallel. I think that the creativity demonstrated in the frame of this poem can also produce that surprise.
Hi Heather, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Stop the Clock. The title stopped me from scanning for something to review and landed me right here.
Your free verse poem uses line breaks well but I think you are a little heavy handed with the commas and stingy with the periods. A line break gives a natural pause and a comma at the end of the line causes the pause to last too long. If you wrote
No longer the girl who would,
spend all day out,
exploring and getting dirty,
climbing trees and digging
all in one line like a sentence, you would only put a comma after the 3rd line and you would put a period after digging. Poetry is no different. It should be
No longer the girl who would
spend all day out
exploring and getting dirty,
climbing trees and digging.
If it were mine, I would take all of the end line punctuation out and read your poem out loud. I think you will hear where commas and periods go. Of course it isn't mine and I should have said earlier, use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
I liked this nostalgic look back at more carefree days.
Hi Jay, I like your poem Active Belief. Yep, faith is an action verb.
Your first stanza is so clear, I actually could feel my heart rise in my chest as I read it. It moved me. Your poem reminded me of the book of James, faith without works is dead.
You are right the form fit your message perfectly. Nice one Jay.
HI Maria, This was fun to read. Now for the review.... I'm Tinker and you will now see your poem through my eyes, use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
Loved, loved, loved your title. I wanted to play. And you right, there is something fun and playful about alliteration and when done excessively, almost silly.
The poem, a triplet, was short, literally too the point, demonstrating with skill the term alliteration and in rhyme.
I have no nits on this one. Is it great poetry, no. Is it informative poetry, yes. Is it fun poetry, absolutely.
Hi Rhonwen, I happened on your poem, Even Mom's Need a Break and I hoped that reading the rest of the poem was going to make me laugh like the title did. No truer words were spoken, you have to laugh at the statement or cry. I prefer laughter.
Your poem on the page is so controlled given the topic, neat uniform lined tercets with envelope rhyme says to me, you are holding on for dear life. Oh, now I really have to read your poem.
The first year my son was born, I barely slept, I kept creeping into his room to make sure he was still breathing. And I remember thinking will I ever again be able to go into the bathroom, shut the door and not expect it to open with a "Mom" I need you. I now watch my son and my daughter-in-law raising their 4 kids, one of whom is disabled and I think, they are my heroes. At least my son gets out to work and deal with adults during the day, even if they are mostly bad guys (he is an investigator for the Sheriff's Dept.) But my daughter-in-law is the taxi driver, the organizer, physical therapist, the chief cook and housekeeper for kids from 8 to 16. Yeh, 2 teenagers, just wait it gets harder. At least they do help with chores after much yelling and stalling.
Back to your poem, You did have me smiling all of the way. Use what is helpful and ignore the rest, it is just one person's eye view of your poem. If it were mine, I would move the 3rd stanza to the end. It sums up your poem. Reading the poem as it is, I kind of felt there was another stanza coming.
Getting a little technical, my picky side. You could tighten the rhythm a bit with things like
L3 you could leave out the "the" before birthday. I'm sure you've baked more than one and it give a better flow to the line.
L18 delete "instead of" and substitute the word "not" actually the whole line could flow better and crry more memphasis if you said, "not solving every family strife."
Hi surf, I ran across your poem Copper Moon under the Paranormal genre list. I fell in love with the "Copper" Moon. I don't think I've seen that term before. And it is so right on, now I wish I had thought of that while moon watching a month ago when the Super Moon had me hanging outside in the cold to watch it's coppery glow. That's the poem that got away.
So you begin with a mystery, "Your Moon", who is your? I'm not asking you, I'm asking myself. Then another mystery, "Her glow", who is her, the fire or a waiting woman? It could go either way. The rest of the poem has a very sensual undertone that takes me back to the probability of a woman. But the previous lines say it is the fire. Hhmm?
This is a review, so a reminder, use what you deem helpful and ignore the rest. A hearth is the area around the fire pit or box. It is not supposed to get hot. If it gets hot, your fire might be getting away from you. Warm, cozy, inviting, might apply but "hot"? Just thinking out loud. A question from one poet to another, did you mean for the woman to be a mystery in the sense of understanding whether is a referral to the fire or to a living breathing woman? If so it is fine, if you had a clear vision that you want to communicate to your reader, I think you need to rethink the line.
I enjoyed reading this poem. I never thought It otherworldly, I thought it a romantic poem.
HI Elukxhana, I'm Tinker and I ran across your poem There and thought "Where"? So I had to read it and review it. You use Free Verse with lots of repetition to emphasize the theme, the search for Utopia. Use what you deem helpful in this review, ignore the rest.
I thought adding "a poem about utopia" below the title weakened the poem from the start. It is up to the reader to find out what the poem is about. Why read further?
I was a little disappointed that although this was easy to read and I already knew what it was about, the poem didn't say much. No surprise, no unique images nothing to take away from "there".
I liked the pattern of the poem, like rambling thoughts, wishes.
Hi Smerelajiah, I'm Tinker and I was drawn to your Turtles don't thrive on Mars because of the silliness of the title. It is your poem, use what you deem helpful here and ignore the rest.
This certainly is a very short story which was a little disappointing because so much could have been done with this silliness. I think you have a strong base to let your imagination go wild. If it had been mine I would be laughing at myself from one silly image to the next.
I don't normally look for spelling, punctuation or syntax errors unless they disrupt the flow of the piece. I think that the third sentence is awkward and definitely disrupts the flow. I think you should play with it, maybe make it two sentences.
I wanted more from your little story but I thought the nonsense aspect quite good.
SHi Tellboy, I'm Tinker and I chose your short story to review because I ran across this looking for a friend's poem. Your title "First Concert" drew me in further.
I don't often review short stories but I was curious. The experience was told in the first person from 15 year old's perspective. The images came alive
I do have a couple,of things to pick on. Use what helps and ignore the rest, it's just a review.
I was a little disturbed by paragraph 13 "Watching through cocaine eyes". This was about going to a concert. No previous mention of taking drugs and no subsequent mention. This is a barely 15 year old taking a pretty serious drug and it is mention casually once. It shocked me and dulled the rest of the story. It doesn't seem to have any reason to be mentioned, so why is it mentioned at all?
Paragraph 14. "Entering from stage from right ". I think this should be fixed to "entering from stage right"
I did enjoy the challenge of reviewing a short story, normally I stick to poetry. This was interesting and well written.
Oh my, I found a poem you doesn't already have 20+ reviews. Your following is very impressive.
Hi Lisa, I'm reviewing your Another Day for Dave's Poet's Place review assignment and as a return favor. I am pleased that this is a poem no one else has discovered yet. I think I read this before though. Maybe you shared it at the Poet's Place.
I'm going to give reviewing without my template a try. You did it such ease. The title is probably pretty common, I have a poem by that name too. (not in my port) It may not be enough of a draw to lure others to read but it fits the content.
This is a poem in 12 lines, made up of 6 rhymed couplets in variable length lines. The form compliments the content.
This poem is stirring. A nice tribute to our troops. I couldn't help wonder if you are a military wife. The poem stays focused on the US being the good guys and touches on our responsibilities to fight evil. Your poem never got of track.
Technically, the area I would pay more attention to is the rhythm. The first couplet has a good steady beat, the second couplet not so much. You know me I like things musical and the rhythm should be fluid.
I enjoyed reading your Another Day.
~~Tink
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(After 4 months of posting here I just finally figured out how to use the emoji. I couldn't get it to come up before.) 