Hi Christopher, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Journey with His Daughter. Your title already set up questions in my mind and I had to read to answer.
In this new day of awareness, things are not so clear as the traditional father. The title says "His" daughter, suggesting the main character of the poem is the father. The "my daughter"of the first line suggests the mother is telling the story but there seems to be a separation between father and mother. She seem distant from the father. Then again in this day of awareness and alternative families there could be two fathers, a traditional father, step father, biological father, adopted father, same sex marriage daddy. The narrator is never assumed to be the poet. I'm afraid I never got past this question.
The 23 line free verse poem centered on the page progresses on the page to move away from the "father" and the narrator is left with the daughter to create new memories together.
If the relationship had been clearer in the beginning I think I would appreciate this poem more. I am not laying this confusion totally at your door, much is of my own making. The reader always bring baggage to your poem. That is why we as poets need to be vigilant in clarity of vision.
Hi Myles, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your "Caroline", a short story I found in the genre tragedy. As I read I thought it is Valentine's Day and this is a beautiful love story. Not the usual hearts and flowers by capturing a sparkling moment that reads like the finest poetry.
This short story was skillfully constructed with narration, a quote from the coming section, the address "Caroline" and finally the italics expression of love in the moment, alternating with more narration and more "Caroline sections".
Your characters were believable, your plot unfolds easily and logically. I saw no errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax though don't actively look for them unless they disrupt the flow.
I thought this very short story carried a very big love story and the tragedy that ends it. Good writing.
Hi Jeff, I couldn't resist, I'm reviewing your Among the Branches. I like the title, this would easily draw me in to read but I am a bird watcher of sorts.
The Crapsey Cinquain is a fun verse to write. Your poem complies with the spirit of the frame as well as the syllable count. You inspire me.
Warbler
sings melody
to stir the lust to mate
They build a twig home in the trees,
fledglings
Sorry just tinkering. An old internet friend and I used to communicate only through writing in this form.
Hi Jyo, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Just Like You. Use what you think might help and ignore the rest, a review is just one reader's opinion.
First Impression: I wasn't sure what to think about the title and the purple font but I'm here reading anyway.
Form: A 15 line poem made up of 6 mono-rhymed triplets with 9 syllable lines delivers this poem in a light entertaining tone.
Theme: A direction challenged traveler finds a solution.
I liked this poem better and better as I read. The humor is subtle until the end when it is in your face. Well done.
I saw nothing I could suggest to improve. Well, "Hark,"? Who says that? I wonder if something less archaic was used such as Wait! or Stop! or Yikes! Reminder, ignore what doesn't work for you.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. It is a fun ride.
Hi aw, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your "constellation". Use what you think is useful and ignore the rest.
Theme: The narrator compares himself with the constellations, a speck in the vast Galaxy.
A small poem such as this hexastich in free verse carries a big responsibility to use the best word choices to communicate. The 2nd line, " your vast beauty that stretches across the stars". A constellation is a pattern or group of stars, so how can a constellation stretch across itself? I wonder if instead of "stars" you used "Galaxy"? Or "night sky"?
This poem was unique, I love star gazing, here in rural Northen California without street lights and lit up buildings the stars ar brilliant. I joyed your poem.
HI Purple Princess, I'm reviewing your The Sailboat for Week 7, I Write. I'm just learning about Flash Fiction so bare with me.
This is a cute story about a child who makes a small sail boat and works diligently until finally the boat stays upright in the water and sails in the wind of the fan and then is called inside by mother.
The shortness of the piece doesn't allow much plot development but the determination and will of this little girl to make it work was absolutely captured. The end seemed a little anticlimactic. I wonder if you just left off the last sentence. Or substituted only. .
I complained, it was worth a shot. And leave it up to the reader to decide whether or not Mom caved. My bet, she didn't . Use whatever seems helpful and ignore the rest, it is just one reader's thoughts.
I liked this little girl who in spite of the looks and giggles persevered and succeeded. Nice characterization.
Hi Ken, At your request I just read Dear Writer's Block and smiled all of the way through. I should pay you for the treat. (but I'm trying to get enough GPs to upgrade so I'm cheap these days.) An explication is a little more in depth than a review, let's see how this works out.
Meaning and Themes: The poem is about clearly about breaking ties. I stress clearly, you never waiver or muddy the waters.
Structure:: It is first a letter, addressed to concept, Writer's block. Second it is written in paragraphs which if broken in lines would be a variable pattern stanzas with rhyme. Depending on the length of the line, one could say your rhyme covers all of the elements, envelope rhyme, internal rhyme, cross rhyme and rhymed couplets. The pattern is distinct and present. Rhyme is a rhetorical devise used in both poetry and prose, usually much less in prose. I would not call this a prose poem but simply a letter with lots of rhyme.
A prose poem normally repeats the theme in each thought unit and expands on it. That is my observation of prose poems. It doesn't progress as your letter does. It doesn't normally tell a story. And it doesn't usually use much if any rhyme.
Title: I think this was given to you by the challenge, and it opens the door and invites us in. It works.
Tone: The tone was on the lighter side, probably because of all of the rhyme.
Emotional Impact: At first read, you had me smiling. It was a fun read.
Words: This piece is all about the rhyme without the need to pay attention to word placement.
Texture: Again the letter is light, spark, laugh, muse "you're not my second wife" " my emmancipation proclomation"
Sound Patterns: the rhyme dominates.
Surprise: I should have seen this coming but I didn't "consider your self ufriended"
Imagery: good concrete imagery for a letter to an abstract, grin, laugh whisper. Personification of an abstract, Writer's Block and Muse.
Epiphany: Third paragraph starts the turn,
Closure: Your last line was brilliant.
My thoughts: While the rhyme throughout makes this letter you, something unique, it dominates the letter which may be a little over the top. I don't if it is possible to ratch it down a level but you might consider it. I thought this letter creative and skillfully written. I loved it!
Hi Ken, You go right to the heart of advertising, the dark side. In reality advertising is just imaginative, persuasive writing. Now isn't that what we try to do? But some how, no money comes our way.
You masterfully share your rant with the reader through primarily iambic pentameter sixains made up of rhymed couplet concluded by a stand alone rhymed couplet. The form delivers the message with fluidity.
I saw no place I could suggest improvement.
I liked the sound of your poem as well as the message.
Hi Cynaemon, A poem about suicide is never a happy read. The struggle between living and dying, love and hate, it was very sad.
I don't actively look for error in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow. What did jump out at me was "torturing yourself on the knife edge of a sword." I don't think that term "knife edge" applies to a sword. "cutting edge" "slashing" "chopping" "thrusting" are all associated with the sword. It is just me thinking out loud, use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
I thought you communicated the confusion and helplessness in face of such a tragic event. Keep Writing.
This is terrific Jay! Your poem has that wonderful musical quality that is synonymous with your favorite frame the Common Measure. It just comes naturally for you.
This clever poem is funny "Bright colored leaves leave balding trees." That line has to be read aloud for its full brilliance to be appreciated.
Hi HOOves, I'm reviewing your Claddagh Rings & Gossamer Dreams as an extended commitment to review I Write entries and because I've become a fan of the poets who post here. I think the Claddagh Rings would be enough of a draw in your title. If it were mine, I'd save the Gossamer Dreams for the poem itself as a bonus to the reader.
This ballad like frame with quatrains with alternating lines of 6 syllable and 4 syllables and rhyme on the even lines had a melodic sound.
It tells the tale of vows made by two and the erosion of time. Then it falters, there is loss, I'm unsure why, it could be death, then again it could be betrayal. "Vow sacred to one soul" vows sacred to only one? I'm not asking you, I'm asking myself as the reader. There is a sadness there and again reinforced by "One heart stands unbroken" What stars out as a romantic happily ever after, seems not to be here. Which makes this interesting.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, one to ponder.
Oh Genipher, I've never seen anything like this. Amazingly after a few lines I was actually able to read it with the emoji's. I continue to review the I Write entries mostly because I am being exposed to genres like this which I've never imagined. What a delightful surprise this was.
As with all good stories we have Candy, the horse and her quest to have pizza. Through travail she finally arrives at her destination. We don't know how she liked it once received but she worked for it and was finally rewarded. What a nice message to send.
I have no clue how to look for missteps in this type of writing but I think that if an old gal like me can get the gist of it without having to refer to the writing below, you have a huge success on your hands. (After 4 months of posting here I just finally figured out how to use the emoji. I couldn't get it to come up before.)
Hi Tim, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Pressure Moments Time and Again. I am ashamed to say your offer a lot of GPs drew me to your poem, I'm working on getting enough for upgrade.
A review is seeing your poem through one reader's eyes, use what you think will help and ignore the rest. Honestly, I'm not sure your title would have enticed me to read this well thought out 16 line poem. Your quatrains made up of rhymed couplets delivers the message with efficiency and creativity. If it were mine, I would rethink the title to something that might pull in a reader.
Oh so true, "historically, folks watch the storms!" At Sonoma Raceway turn 3 always draws the most crowds because more crashes happen there.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow of the piece. Nothing jumped out at me.
I really liked the progress of this poem and loved the line "Own the grooves, Earth's shorter axis." I didn't quite get he connection with the last line of the poem. I will have to come back to this.
Hi Netty, I'm Tinker and I am reviewing your "Hide" found under the genre "Spiritual". A review is just seeing your poem through the eyes of one reader, use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
This 11 line, free verse poem holds a powerful message. "He resides in our presence even in death." I really liked, "He is the storm of life" Nice imagery.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow of the piece. What did jump off the page at me was L2 "he's", whenever using a pronoun referring to God the word should be capitalized "He's" I was taught it is a matter of honor and respect.
I thought this was a relatively simple spiritual poem with no surprise. I enjoyed reading your work.
Hi Jeff, I am reviewing your Olympiad found at I Write.
I like the Rondolet, such a simple straight forward frame. Your topic of course is what probably most of us are consumed with right now with all of the TV and press coverage, the Olympics.
You included a vast expanse in this small poem, from nations to coaches, fans and athletes right down to the elite, the winner. I liked it.
In the matter of review to help you improve, within this small frame I don't see any place to suggest improvement, except it is very generic. I wonder if it could have included something unique to these games now. Just thinking out loud and having no answer. Just something to set it apart.
Hi Neva, I saw this on Newsfeed and was prompted to read. I am unfamiliar with the Challenge under which was entered and the Baha'u'llah faith but I'm always open to learning. I have seen other poems of yours that referred to the faith.
This reads like a blog entry which follows your life. I find it very interesting, well crafted and informative. Since I'm responding in the Review space, I did scan for any way I could see to help improve your writing and of course found nothing. You are clear, articulate and a skilled writer.
" I'm not sure precisely why I fail," the simple answer in my mind was, it is the process of learning, growing. You are not stagnant, as good as you are, you can get better. That's daunting.
Good luck in the challenge and thank you for sharing so much of yourself here. I am a fan.
Hi Carly, I'm following you. I love reading this series you are presenting. Well at least this the 2nd I have read and loved. I know you are writing a series for Chinese New Year and you have me hooked.
I really like this poem. You speak through the horse. A magnificent animal. I've owned several through most of my adult life, one super smart and one was the dumbest animal I have ever encountered. The all have their own personality but all of them seem to be happiest when running. You captured their nature well.
I look forward to reading more. I might even try my own even though I'm not part of the challenge you seem to be accepting. You have inspired me. Thanks.
Hi Angel, Oh could I relate to this poem. I like your title, I didn't know I was going to read in your poem, my thoughts just this morning.
I liked the quatrains with alternate rhyme. xaxa xbxb etc x being unrhymed. It seem to fit the content. The rhythm in my opinion could be tightened up. example "However, there's no sandman here." Could be, There is no sandman here. The "however is unnecessary, its a poem not a conversation. There several places where smoothing the rhythm can happen. Use what feels right for you and ignore the rest.
Anyway, sleep continues to be the elusive need for me and this poem spoke to me, mirroring my frustration. Nice,
Wow Jay, Thank you for sharing your heart in this poignant piece. When it comes right down to it, that is what poetry is, sharing ourselves. You do it beautifully.
And the King James Version is hard to read for everybody. I have read the New American Standard all the way through, which is much easier reading but that took me a year. I dont think the bible is meant to be read from front to cover like a novel. Too much to ponder. It is meant to be read slowly, contemplatively.
Hi Lucifer, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your god is a creator. A reminder a review is seeing your writing through one person's eyes. Use what you feel helpful and ignore the rest.
Clearly you have a style of writing that you feel comfortable with and have no intention of changing. You shouldn't have to explain that to your reader or explain what your poem is about.
Honestly, I'm not sure I understand this poem even with the explanation. I thought it confusing.
But what I like about your poem is the repetion. The poem is chant like. It is a poem to feel.
Hi Angel, I'm reviewing your Regrets as a part of my personal goal to write reviews for all recent entries at I Write. You certainly are a welcome break from all of the (long) short stories. I had no idea there was a tweet category.
Such a small piece means every word matters. Since you are tweeting from the view point of my peeps, (I'm old, I am currently care taking my older husband. I live your tweet.) I was very interested in how this would play out.
Here are some questions reading this raised:
What is old? My best friend from grammar school on into our "old age" both of us soon to be 77) is now in a care facility with dementia. I on the other hand, still run my own insurance agency, care for my husband, am involved in my community and church, play with my grandkids and in general live a very active life. My husband, age 82 was very active until he crashed last year after open heart surgery and he is struggling to survive. I took him out of the nursing facility because he was dying there. He has rallied a bit since he came home but is still in a very weakened state. Way more information than you needed but I think you should consider being more specific than "old".
She'd let him touch them" who's them? what's them? them makes no sense to me.
How life could have been different? I don't know, most of my friends by our age feel whatever the choices we made, brought us to where we are. I wouldn't change a thing. Regrets, some people have them, but they have them from the beginning.
This would be my tweet: Everyone's gone now. Alone, I relive our life together. Would I have made different choices? Never.
I enter a new world with this tweet stuff. I was just playing. I liked reading your tweet.
Hi Carly, I am reviewing your Shen Yun as part of a personal goal to review all recent entries at I write. I am seeing more and more poems with a Chinese theme lately. I'm sure because of the Chinese New Year.
This piece is very informative. It almost reads like prose in lines. I do like the concept of comparing the ancient culture with the new modern China. I've always been fascinated by the Ancient customs. In the late 60s my husband and I were guests of the nephew of General Chaing Kia Shek at the Empress of China in San Francisco. It was a dinner honoring my brother-in law who was at that time leaving as Commander in Chief of the Presidio and through diplomatic channels was a friend of the General's. I saw first hand old Chinese tradition and honor. I felt like I had been promoted to princess with the servers bowing and almost carrying me as if my feet were bound. It was an experience I will never forget.
This was an interesting poem because of so much history. Thank you
HI Ken, Wow, a Mirrored or Double Acrostic! That's a challenge. I'm reviewing your poem Mexico Reavealed as part of my personal goal to review all entries at I Write this week. I'm glad I decided to this or I might have missed this gem.
Oooh, this has an ominous undertone. "darkness cannot be reversed". This poem takes that twist from tourist Mexico, serapes and sandaled feet to the alleys one dares not go. Really nice. "improv" was genius and even my auto correct wants to incorrectly correct it. I am awed by your skill.
I have no way of offering advise that would improve this poem.
I thoroughly enjoyed examining this poem. Too bad it really needs to be examined, not just read to realize the master at work. I loved this.
Hi Neva, I set a personal goal for myself to review the writing submitted to I Write this week, and your Candice's Secret Admirer is up. Another short story, a genre I've never tried to write. I'm in awe of the versatility and scope of some the writers here, including you.
I don't actively look for spelling, punctuation or syntax errors unless they disrupt the flow of the piece. A couple of housekeeping nits, 2nd paragraph "who was setting at the table" should be "sitting" and 6th paragraph "Candi don't don't have" I think these picky things need to be fixed.
Now that that is out of the way I want to tell you that I loved the concept and the surprise of your story. It was well told with clear images, interesting, complex characters and a twist. Great job!
Hi Cheri, I'm reviewing your Betrayal as part of my goal to review all poems submitted to I Write this week.
The chosen frame lends itself perfectly to the dark tone and loss of a dysfunctional love. I really liked how each stanza begins with a command to the betraying lover. At first craving, accepting what the narrator knows is dark but is unable to resist, pleading then moving to on to break the pattern even though she is not quite ready to let go, she does.
I can't see any thing I could suggest to help you improve. I thought it was skillfully written.
~~Tink
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Use whatever seems helpful and ignore the rest, it is just one reader's thoughts. 