YES! This is really good Jay, and it is a dinngedicht....... The imagery is awesome, you set the stage, tone, right down to the entrance, inviting us in. I think this genre is great training ground for writing in general, going from the concrete image the reader can almost see, smell, touch, hear and taste to the emotions those senses bring forth.
I loved the way you captured the images, never straying and yet you were able to write it in the rhythm and form you feel most comfortable in. Taking a genre and making it your own.
HI catdok, This small poem popped up on my screen when I was searching for something else. I must have hit the wrong thing. But since I'm here, I'm reading MIRACLE.
Than Bauk is becoming a popular form around here, the step rhyme can be a challenge. You handled it perfectly.
I loved the humor of the piece. Thanks for this brief moment of pleasure.
HI Angel, I'm reviewing your poem Light and Dark. I was drawn to the poem because of the form.
One of the defining elements of the Pantoum is the final quatrain in which L1 of the first stanza becomes the last line of the poem and L3 of the first stanza becomes L2 of the last quatrain. It appears you need another stanza to complete your poem. I hope you have time to fix it before the deadline. Good luck with the contest
Your concept for the poem works well with the tumbling refrain of the form. I like it.
Hi Lani, I'm Tinker and I am reviewing your Life Dance. Use what you think helpful and ignore the rest.
First Impression: I liked your title, I thought appealing
Form, 4 unrhymed quatrains with a repeating first line of each stanza jumping 10 years each stanza.
What I didn't like: I really have nothing to suggest needs improvement.
What I did like: The advancing age in relationship with another. The last brought sadness but it also brought a challenge and isn't that what makes life interesting?
I enjoyed your poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Wow Jay, You are producing some really good poetry in your quest to write a dinggedicht. This is amazingly descriptive
poem that grips the reader. This would be a nature poem, maybe an imagist poem but a dinngedicht describes inanimate objects not living breathing beings not birds, not trees, not things that move or grow. You will get this yet.
By the way it is really a compelling piece so your effort did not go unrewarded.
Hi Ellwyn, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Diary of a Kindergarten Teacher 8th. I thought this fascinating.
I was a little confused at the scheduling in the first paragraph but got the gist, parents not cooperating or paying attention to your requests created extra work for you.
From there on it was perfectly clear. I thought it tragic about the special needs child. I have a granddaughter born with only half a brain, a pediatric stroke survivor. She has over come much of her paralysis through physical therapy since infancy but still can't use her right hand. The seizure disorder that accompanies brain damage was controlled through medication. But although she is an outgoing, happy bright child at home among her siblings, she is painfully shy at school and didn't speak for the first 3 years of elementary school. Academically is top of her class but can't be mainstreamed because of her anxiety attacks. Her parents had to fight for special assistance and she has been moved from school to school so she can be in an appropriate special needs class. Teachers have been helpful and empathetic but it is about money. By law these children are entitled to extra help. But there needs to be funds to pay for it.
Sorry I digress from your writing. I don't know how anyone can offer suggestions on how to improve a diary entry. So I am just enjoying your writing.
I thought this diary entry was informative, frustrating and encouraging that such thought and care is being exercised by a teacher, clearly concerned for her students. I enjoyed this peek into a teachers thoughts. Thanks
Hi Epic Fail, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Where the Dead Go. The title drew me in, I normally don't attempt to review short stories. But I'm learning.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow of the piece. 4th paragraph you have a typo, scent not sent.
Other than that one little nit, this story captivated me. It progresses through dreams to memories to fears and had me enthralled. The sad and lonely tone dominated.
Hi Kare, I'm reviewing your Dundrearies. I don't even know what that means. I had to look it up, sideburns, I learn something new every day. Haha I hadn't read the footnote.
I thought this poem a fascinating portrait. Well constructed with good imagery. Loved "dundrearies".
I see nothing I can offer to improve. I enjoyed reading this, thanks.
Hi Carly, I am reading your Overcoming Dragons. This free verse poem is written with authority. You take charge in the beginning and never relinquish the reigns. Your narrator never waivers. It reads like a general leading the charge.
I can see no place I can suggest improvement.
I like the 2nd to last strophe best, *Now is the time to create your own story."
Hi Jay, I know this was a stretch for you to step away from your comfort zone, I can only applaud you for giving this a try. A dinggedicht is not a form, it is a genre. You actually could write in the common measure frame and as long as you tell the story through a few objects you have a dinggedicht. You don't have to connect the dots just describe the objects and arrange them in a way to tell a story. Did you read mine? I don't tell what happened I pointed at 3 objects. (well 2 objects and 1 substance)
What you did was describe an object and build a story around it. It was still a good poem, a very good poem in my opinion.
"cold winds warm its tongue" was my favorite line.
Now try a dinggedicht... I wouldn't tease you with this if I didn't think you had it in you. There are others I wouldn't bother trying to explain because I know they will never get it.
I enjoyed reading your poem, congratulations for stepping outside of the box and delivering.
Hi Netty, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Where Will You Lead. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Clearly this is a spiritual poem and very personal. The language is that of a King James reader.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow. I think L10 reside should be resides and L13 Wither thy leads a crown of promises. Wither = to what place / thy = your / leads a crown of promises. I'm just not sure what you are saying.
Hi Jackie, immTinker and I'm reviewing your Camping 101. Your title would have drawn me to read even if I had not just pulled you up on random review.
Flash Fiction, a short story in under 750 words with all of the elements of a short story, character development, plot, protagonist, antagonist, epiiphany, conclusion. You write this in dialogue that is easy to follow. I never was confused by who was speaking.
Your story was very straight forward. No gimmicks. Your characters are revealed by the dialogue. There is a moment of of enlightenment then a logical conclusion. I never felt let down. I smiled all the way through. I liked it.
Hi Rhyssa, I'm Tinker and I'm in awe of your poem "Finding the Awe". I stopped to review but I can only sit and read and bask in the sunshine of your words.
This free verse poem in 25 lines without caps or punctuation is just about as perfectly constructed as a poem can be.
I especially loved "and a daffodil laughed up at me".
Hi Brandi, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Sullen?. I thought it straight forward and to the point.
A poem in 6 lines, an unrhymed hexastich with random length lines. And that was all you needed to deliver this message, "men are liars but I still want to love". With the time's up movement which I support but quite frankly I'm getting bored with, enough is enough, this poem is current and fresh.
Hi Fivesixer, I'm Tinker and I am reviewing your Police Lines. I was a bit confused, by this...
I thought the appearance of this poem was almost like art. The repetition of lines is chant-like, a nice feature. I think that the narrator is trying very hard to "get in" but he is not being allowed to cross the line. He will try and try again.
Because I was confused I can't offer any way to improve. I liked the sound of it.
Hi Nomad, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your The Bloody Mouse. Eeew, I wasn't sure if I should read on but you did catch my attention.
Oh my, you do have an imagination. Mickey Mouse takes on the world. Was this your way of saying "I'm sick of that song?" . I really don't know how to offer any help for improvement. This is a bizarre tale, logically brought to the conclusion that "that song has got to go".
Hi Pat, I'm Tinker and I'm reviewing your Awakening. The title was bright and inviting. As I read the poem after seeing the note about depression I was expecting something dark and instead I'm greeted with blast of cold wind. That will wake anyone up.
This unrhymed pentastich, quickly goes from the darkness into the reflective light of a snowy morning. The glare off the snow is almost blinding in the life saving moment. Your poem made me feel alive too.
I liked the spirit of the poem. Thanks for the inspiring read.
Hi Angel, This is a new type of writing for me to review. A script, I'll give it my best, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
I don't actively look for error in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow of the piece. I think this is the 16th line down, you left out a word. " Because I think it's going become something more than just a song, you know something like a movement, a symphony eventually." going to become... Very minor but it needs fixing.
The theme of this script is two lovers have a song that probably includes too much detail about their relationship. Something the father King is not going to appreciate. You brought the script in logical fashion to that conclusion but I thought the end got a little off track. Maybe the characters just needed a little more development but in such a short piece, i don't know how you would do that.
I liked reading this piece and I keep learning from writers like you who share their work.
Hi Sonia, I can see the horizon of the Pacific ocean through a dip in the trees, from my front window. I can relate to your feeling of escape. I am reviewing your poem Escape, use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
Your poem in 20 lines made up of rhymed couplets communicates a love for moments connecting with the ocean. A meditation wrapped in seaweed and the foam of the surf.
I don't actively look for errors in spelling, punctuation or syntax unless it disrupts the flow of the piece. You don't use much punctuation but I believe there are commas that need not be there and chop the rhythm. L1, L4, L7, L12, L18 and L19 I don't think need commas. With poetry less is best.
I liked the easy tone of this poem. Thanks for this pleasant read.
Hi Aby, This was a perfect Valentine. A slice of life, filled with love in the most normal of circumstances. You let it unfold naturally, no surprises, no twist but sometimes that isn't necessary. Just validating a relationship is more than enough in this small story.
Hi Jyo, I'm reviewing your Two Staffs, My Grace. Your teaser sets up the read and of course I had to read on.
The form you chose "Rispetto" a 15 th century, classic Italian form is the perfect vehicle for a poem about loved ones who came to your aid. The dorm was commonly used to deliver words of "respect" for a loved one. In your case two loved ones. I love it when the old forms are used in the manner in which they were created and not just for the rhyme scheme or meter. You do honor to the ancient poet's of century's ago by doing so.
What pride you must have in your children. This is a beautiful poem. I loved the last line. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Sonali, I'm reviewing your Contest Just For Me. You had me in such a groove while reading this poem I was antipasti get what you would sy next. I had to resist the urge to respond in rhyme.
I loved the neat quatrains made up of rhymed couplets and sometimes even mono-rhymed. I loved the internal rhyme and cross rhyme. I loved the repetion that created a chant like feel. This was simply fun to read. Thanks.
HI Cynaemon, I'm reviewing your, Rain, Rain, Rain, Rain, Rain and I know just how you felt when you wrote it. Been there. I live in a redwood forest, average rain fall 81 inches a year. One year it felt like all 81 inches came down in just 10 days.
Sorry, back to your poem, the 12 line poem in uniform line lengthed quatrains made up of rhymed couplet give a steady tone to your poem, like the constant beat of rain coming down.
I loved the 2nd quatrain especially. You had me smiling in the midst of my rain soaked depression. I enjoyed the humor in this poem.
I see nothing I can point to to help improve this poem other than maybe tighten the rhythm of som lines. Like
Rivers overflowed, mountains slid down. Removing the "have" gives it a more even beat. Just an idea. Use what you think helpful, ignore the rest.
Hi Ken, I'm reviewing your Artist's Touch for the Random Review points offered. I'm not stalking you.
I like the title, it invites me to see...
Form: I love the Burns Stanza. I think L4 and L6 are dimeter not trimeter. Yep, call me the poetry police, but you said that was a good thing.
Other than the divergence from the classic frame, your poem is beautiful. I love the imagery. Sunset is my favorite time of the day and living on the Pacific coast with a view of the horizon from my home, I watch the sun drop into the ocean everynight the fog doesn't obstruct my view. You capture it with an artist's touch.
Hi Cheri, I'm reviewing your Faking It. Use what you find helpful and ignore the rest.
It appears this poem has already received an award which says, it probably pretty good before I even try to read it. I would have read it any way, I found the title intriguing.
This 12 line poem in alternating short / long length lines in quatrains with alternating rhyme, is the perfect vehicle for delivering this thoughtful poem.
I love the chant-like sound your short lines create.
I see nothing I could offer to improve this. I see why you received the award, congratulations.
~~Tink
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You had me in such a groove while reading this poem I was antipasti get what you would sy next. I had to resist the urge to respond in rhyme. 