*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vamp_cat/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12
Review Requests: OFF
2,441 Public Reviews Given
4,528 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
You'll get a mixture of proofreading and editing advice. I generally do a line by line.
Favorite Genres
Horror, fantasy, Sci-fi.
Least Favorite Genres
Do not care for works that straight dramas.
Favorite Item Types
Micro fiction, flash fiction, short stories, and chapters.
Least Favorite Item Types
I know little of poetry and I do not care for straight dramas.
I will not review...
I review most things.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 8 9 10 11 -12- 13 14 15 16 17 ... Next
276
276
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello,

American reality TV presents "Looking Good Naked", showing overweight women exposing their nakedness with the message "love your body". Love who you are!

If a woman likes what she sees in the mirror or in pictures she is loving herself and most woman DO NOT.


The only thing being overweight/fat has led to are health problems like heart disease, diabetes, strokes, and DEPRESSION.

So do people who are wonderful shape.

First you say eat healthy and then you point out that most of the food available is not.

Gone are the days where you can and should let your kids go a park or hours on end. It is not safe. And the kids who are there without an adult are the ones who have no one.

I simple do not have the time to watch play.

Most people do feel they have the time to cook, which is largely the only way to control what you are putting into your body.

There are petty mistakes, nothing major in this.

What I do not really care for is the lack of any real answers. It's just a rant. Frankly I would rather live next to someone at and who was a good person than in shape person who feels that most of the world is fat and lazy.

A




277
277
Review of Take Out  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
PENNYWISE!

Tis I, Pound Foolish!

I sense of your biting wit in the title.


Thank GOD! A story with a voice or a personality.


Different coloured sands flash in me mind, along with one word “spice”..

"spice".


It’s driver isn’t English, ‘is skin ‘as a yellow tinge.

Its


LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
to the last line.

I was sure you would shine with this one.

ALICE
278
278
Review of Sin City  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello-hello,

Tis I, Alice, peeking in.

Formatting is good.

The title well it is modern and change is not a "WOW!"

I like that placed him in Vegas.

He imagined taking her back to his place. The basement wasn’t finished, but the essentials were there. He would offer her a tour of the house.

I think it would be more logical if...

He imagined taking her back to his place. He would offer her a tour of the house. The basement wasn’t finished, but the essentials were there.

I like the modern twist on it.

Grammar, spelling and formatting are all great.

It is wonderful to see you again.


Read you again!



Alice
279
279
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
We have squirrels in our yard all the time. They take the treats we leave them and they tease our cat.

I think there should be more squirrel poetry.

I feel you captured a lot of squirrel antics and personality.

I found no errors in spelling, grammar or formatting.



Alice
280
280
Review of First Valentine  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

Thank you for the careful and helpful review. I have not used them as of yet, but I will.

This caught my eye.

Have you entered this in

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1359489 by Not Available.



Dr. Doreen Daniels didn’t need to be at the Heuristic Algorithmic lab, but she had volunteered to stand-in for Dr. Bill Hillis for the evening.

If Dr. Daniels is standing-in for someone, I think they do need to be there. I am sure mean something different, but I feel you should make this a little more clear.

Also, please consider cutting "had" you do not need it.


Dr. Daniels was known to be only slightly less conscious of the world away from the Urbana HAL plant than Dr. Chandra.

I know this is SF and words tend to be altered or created for the story's universe, but, I feel "plant" is not quite right.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/plant

I feel, "implant" or something similar would be better.

Also, I feel you should cut "only slightly". Adverbs tend make things weak, so if you can remove one, you should.

“It’s very nice”, but she thought the ring too flashy and expensive.

nice,"

I like the homage to 2001 and 2010.

One by one the monitors filled up with the long lines of numbers and symbols that made up the instruction codes that made HAL a unique computer.

One by one,

Is there a word limit on this?



Alice
281
281
Review of Scarred  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As promised, here I am.

I think most one word titles do not really work. The main reason is they tend to be too common.

Great opening line.


Dressed in a simple black coat and a large scarf which completely covered her face, the woman stood out hugely from the rest of the few people left on the streets, which were all ready for August’s warm weather – not at all what she wanted, but at least her face was concealed.

scarf,

The doctor pulled her gaze from the ground, and began a slow, deliberate walk down the corridor, struggling to keep her temper down.

walked

As a baby, her poor mother, who was desperately in need of money, had brought Kimmins to Naix. There, she was injected with a new kind of drug, which was supposed to make her grow faster, better, stronger. Unfortunately, it managed to do the exact opposite – and scar Kimmins for life. Ridiculed as a child, she was forced to take tests all her life, and endure her own, scarred visage. In short, her childhood and adolescence had been hell for her.

Formatting.


After having punched in another code, it slid opened, revealing it’s contents.

its


A fungus that acted like the most potent poison imaginable, and that spread at an incredible speed, devouring anything in it’s path – except biological matter, and glass.

its


Her head swimming with unanswered questions, Kimmins slowly sat up, and realized she was sitting in a prison cell – Prison?, she asked herself.

Prison? she


There is no doubt about, you have improved.


I think to take this story to next level the ending needs to stronger. If you are getting a lot of fours, there is almost always two reasons 1) lack of description, or 2) the ending is lacking something.




282
282
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I thought this sounded interesting...

I think a lot of this could be tightened up. What that means is some thing could be said a little more simple. I would be happy to send a list of suggestions, but that would take a great deal of time, and I have no idea if you want to see that or not.

If you are interested let me know.


+++

I really liked the title.

For me, the opening pargraph is too heavy and drags.


Shall we give you a postcard on our return, or would you rather a nice bowl of pouporri for your entry hall?"

If you are in the USA... potpourri


Hawk cut him off, a brave move in it's own, but to counter with such a remark, it could mean trouble.

its own.

http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/...


And yet, we get the imbeciles that just barely passed Boot Camp.

Most of the time, boot camp is not a proper now.


Your 'crew' drains more money out of the Military Association than any other squadron.

Most of the time, Military Association is not a proper noun.

BUT... it is your world and perhaps there it is.


Hawk was stunned, she just stood there, a stray curl blowing in the rather harsh wind.

stunned;

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/semicolons....


The dust swirled around her, creating a whirlwind.

I do not think dust and wind make a "whirlwind". Perhaps small dust devils...

http://www.gc.maricopa.edu/earthsci/imagearchive/d...



With a smirk, she exited leaving her baret laying on the covers, S.I.N.G. clearly imprinted upon the fabric with an eagle holding a stake in it's talons and the feather of a dove in it's beak.

beret

its


"Skye. Get them ready to leave. We shall disembark for Rome, Georgia in fifteen minutes." She said briskly as she walked up, then walked off leaving the young man partially stunned.

minutes," she



Skye would be sent to another company..and so would Haru.

company... and


She marched over to the cadets who were in perfectly straight lines, "Good job, Haru." She said under her breath as she passed him. "

Haru," she


Get gone." She said this in a rather cold voice, a colder voice than she had used the previous day.

gone," she



"That as soon as we return, I'm to be dishonorably discharged." Misery said glancing at him, then marching off.

discharged," Misery



"S-Sir, It's what the message says.

its


Continued the squeaky voice. "And she has no weaknesses."

He continued

"And that would be what, Dieu?" The voice continued.

the


"...you do remember who they are, right?"

You

The woman was standing up in the opened side door, her hair flying loose from the tight bun as was the norm.

bun,


"Thanks for the information, Haru, it was much appreciated." Hawk said shaking her head with a sigh.

appreciated,"


"Leave them out of this." Hawk said sharply looking at Skye, who was standing there looking rather upset and concerned over her.

this,"


"Hell no." Hawk said looking back at him.

no,"

"Don't you even think about it." He said grabbing her arm roughly.

it," he


"Yeah, Misery." Haru said leaned against the wall of the helicopter.

Misery,"


"No one comes out." Hawk said nodding.

out,"


There were no telling how many good men had lost their brains.

was no

"Very good, Lieutenant." Hawk said turning around to nod at him, then pulled her 9mm back out.

Lieutenant,"


"We got to move!!" She barked and pulled his arm, Haru already up and scouting for a hiding spot for them.

she


"Hello Patrick..." She said softly.

she

"It ends here." He said grinning and firing the gun.

here," he



I think the action is good.

It could use some more description of setting in it.

I am sorry, but at this time I cannot rate any higher. If you make the corrections, let me know and I will rate this again.


Alice
283
283
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
On to chapter 3...

A lone crow, perched on a once mighty, now dying oak, watched the scene before her with interest.

Consider...

With interest, a lone crow perched

Your writing is improving.


Tilting her head slightly to the side, alert for any movement, she flew off the branch and landed by the head of an elf, whose normally pale skin was died red with dark, dry blood.

I am not sure if this flows quite right, consider...

I would cut "to the side" you do not need it.


Half an hour later, The elf was huddled close to a small campfire he had managed to erect, shivering with cold and chewing on a vile tasting crow leg, as snow swirled around him.

later, the elf

Cut "had" here...

he managed


Late that night, as Solvellis lay unconcious next to the embers of his fire, a group of creatures crept silently into the dead battlefield, coming to investigate the light...

If you are in the USA...

unconscious



See, now you have description and details. Now there is story.


Alice
284
284
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.5)
Onto chapter 2...


Thoder and Dathrek Tethriil, the two dwarves, walked silently through the waking city of Eshuston, carelessly shoving citizens out of their way. Their provisions had been bought the night before, but to Dathreks dismay, his older, more battle-hardened brother hadn't let him buy beer.

This is nice, but how great would it have been to read it? I think you missed out on a real opportunity to show us some fun stuff.



"A drunken dwarf makes for a terrible fighter," he had said. The disgrace of it! How can a dwarf go through a day without the heavenly stuff, and we're out for an entire week, thought Dathrek rebeliously.

rebelliously.


This chapter has a nice hint of humor to it.



Increasing her pace to keep up with the two brothers, she buried herself in thoughts of riches, gold, and financial security; which she had been striving for all her life.

security,


Born to a poor mother who had died of sickness seven years after her birth, she was Taken in by the local thieve's guild, and learned to live on the streets, making the most of any situation no matter how bad.

taken

thieves



Covering her small, brown-haired head with an equally small hood, she hurried on after the dwarves dodging around the growing crowd in the streets

streets.


ten minutes later, all five adventurers were gathered at the huge northern city gate, ready to leave.
Countless battles, endless adventure and terrifying revelations faced them as they fearlessly walked out of the safety of Eshuston and onto the old, beaten path which led north, to Esaed-t'i'ra-nor. To their destinies.


ten minutes later, all five adventurers were gathered at the huge northern city gate, ready to leave.

Countless battles, endless adventure and terrifying revelations faced them as they fearlessly walked out of the safety of Eshuston and onto the old, beaten path which led north, to Esaed-t'i'ra-nor. To their destinies.


ten minutes later, all five adventurers were gathered at the huge northern city gate, ready to leave.

Ten

I feel that you should show us the gate.



Countless battles, endless adventure and terrifying revelations faced them as they fearlessly walked out of the safety of Eshuston and onto the old, beaten path which led north, to Esaed-t'i'ra-nor. To their destinies.

I thought this was a good paragraph.


Overall, I enjoyed reading this chapter more, it too has some mistakes that I think you could have caught and it too was rushed.


Alice
285
285
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (2.5)
On to the first chapter.

There are formatting issues here also.


Alaerin glanced through a window of his lush villa.

Here, I feel you should show what race Alaerin is (in the prologue, you have more than on race,) and instead telling us it is a "lush villa" show me. Tell me what makes a villa and not a city. Show why its lush. Is it rich in colors, flowers, ect.


But the adventurers were dead.

How does he know they are dead?

Is Keldarin the same person who was looking out the window?


Increasing his pace, he soon came to a large bulding in the northern reaches of the town.

building


A rotting sign hung next to the door, reading ‘The windblown inn’

This needs a period.


The usual mean-looking crowd hung about the bar, puffing pipes and drinking ale whilst the few foreigners in the inn stayed wary and kept their distance.

ale,

wary,



He made his way towards them, and upon reaching the table said to the noble,

“You Alaerin?”

He made his way towards them, and upon reaching the table said to the noble, “You Alaerin?”


He looked around him and said,

Who is "He"?


He looked around him and said,

“now that we are all present, I believe we may commence. I am in need of... an artifact, believed to be hidden in an abandoned temple in the center of the ruined city of Esaed-t'i'ra-nor to the north. It is a thing of great power, an ancient statuette carved in the likeliness of Odious, god of death. I must find it to destroy it.”

He looked around him and said, “now that we are all present, I believe we may commence. I am in need of... an artifact, believed to be hidden in an abandoned temple in the center of the ruined city of Esaed-t'i'ra-nor to the north. It is a thing of great power, an ancient statuette carved in the likeliness of Odious, god of death. I must find it to destroy it.”



“now that we are all present, I believe we may commence.

"Now


Keldarin raised an eyebrow, but was quickly reassured when Alaerin Smiled and said

smiled and said,



Keldarin raised an eyebrow, but was quickly reassured when Alaerin smiled and said,

“I’ll pay you 5,000 gold pieces each to do it.”


Keldarin raised an eyebrow, but was quickly reassured when Alaerin smiled and said,“I’ll pay you 5,000 gold pieces each to do it.”


If the inn is a rough place, would it be wise for him to state that not only is looking for a powerful object but that he has LOTS of money?


The halfling grinned, the dwarves cheered and banged their dirty mugs cheerfully against the old, rotting table, spilling strong, golden beer.

Earlier, you had "halfling" as "Halfling". I think you chose one.



“25,000 gold pieces”,

pieces,"


“25,000 gold pieces,"

Keldarin said, still slightly distrustful about the noble’s intentions.

"25,000 gold pieces," Keldarin said, still slightly distrustful about the noble’s intentions.



Alaerin seemed prepared for the question, and replied readily -

“Why, yes! It is a thing of total evil, a curse on the land, it must be destroyed! If I do not find it soon, I fear that someone else will... and then all is lost ”


Alaerin seemed prepared for the question, and replied readily- “Why, yes! It is a thing of total evil, a curse on the land, it must be destroyed! If I do not find it soon, I fear that someone else will... and then all is lost. ”


Keldarin still had his doubts, but 5,000 gold pieces was very tempting offer.

very a tempting


He nodded, and, moving aside to avoid the steady drip of beer, declared

“Deal.”

He nodded, and, moving aside to avoid the steady drip of beer, declared, “Deal.”


The halfling nodded as well, the dwarves let out another cheer - they were both obviously drunk - the elf looked distastefully towards the dwarves, but shrugged and added

“I will go as well”

The halfling nodded as well, the dwarves let out another cheer - they were both obviously drunk - the elf looked distastefully towards the dwarves, but shrugged and added, “I will go as well.”

What other cheers? You make no mention of them doing so.


Alaerin smiled and intoned,

“very well, you leave Tomorrow, I will pay you each 100 gold pieces now for equipment.




Alaerin smiled and intoned, {c;blue}“Very well, you leave tomorrow. I will pay you each a 100 gold pieces now for equipment.


Perhaps in the next chapter you tell what equipment they might be needing, but I wonder, if supplies might be better. I am sure they would food ect.


I feel there is almost no setting, and the description is rather sparse.

What I feel is key, is for you find your own voice. What that means is find away showing this world and making it stand out from a standard D&D game, which is what this currently feels like.


The characters are not individuals really. You do this by showing what they are saying, doing, eating, singing, drinking, walking, sitting ect.


I hope you found this helpful.

Alice
286
286
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Shade!

I finally got to a place where I could read something I wanted to. I was for the last two months reviewing to gps. I was trying to pay for an up-grade before mine ran out. I did.

First thing:

Title...

It appears as "Shadows of evil- Prologue" I feel it should appear as "Shadows of Evil: Proloque"

Also I feel the title is not a WOW. It is a tad well used.


There are some formatting issues.


Opening line is okay. I think you would be better served if you were to elaborate more. Show us the four adventures.

Through quiet marshes, mysterious forests brimming with unseen danger, and around dead lakes, the rivers feeding them long since dried up.

This seems like a lot of territory for one moonless night for them to travel through. I understand that this is clarified in the following paragraph, but there should be no need to do so.


I do not feel that warrior and adventures and interchangeable terms.


One of the warriors, a small but muscled human figure, limping from a bloody gash in his leg, muttered under his breath “God, when will we get out of this accursed place?”

breath,


The other- a dwarven axe man- wheeled around to face him, and thundered “Shut up Thodarek, we never will make it out of here with your continuous whining!”

thundered,

(I love that you said "thundered". A very nice choice.)



The group had been in the wilderness for a month now, a long, miserable month full of suffering and hopelessness. Far longer then expected.
Hungry, tired, weak, and bad-tempered, all four of them were covered in wounds from recent battles.

They walked for another two hours, through the ink like blackness of the night. The earth was covered in a thin layer of snow, and the air was icy, chilling the adventurers to the bone.

To me, these passages read as I have read them a thousand times before. Certainly the idea are old (SO WHAT!) It is the way in which you chose your words that count. This is what I am really concerned about.


He signaled his party to draw their weapons, and himself notched an arrow to his bow- but just as the last sword was unsheathed, and the last shield raised, the twang of a bowstring was heard, and an arrow came soaring through the night air, impaling Thoderek in the back.

Doesn't any sleep? I would think that at least one of the party after walking all day, with wounds would be asleep.


I do not like long prologues either, but this really feels like bare bones.
It too rushed to have any real personality to it.

Please keep in mind my words are not meant to hurt you. I say these to help you tell a better story. The REALLY wonderful thing about writing is that you can change anything you like.

It is only with truth we become better... So take heart! All is not lost, it is merely hidden.


Alice
287
287
Review of Unseen Voices  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello,

I think you should consider entering...

 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1359489 by Not Available.


At the very least you pick up more reads.

Here are some minor notes to help you along.


I shouted into the infinite darkness of the council chamber “Speak or I will leave, I have matters of great importance to attend to”

chamber,

to."


How dare you speak to us in that tone of voice

voice?!

We have summoned you of a matter of importance greater than your current interests

interests.


“I doubt it but try me, you might spark my interest”

interest."


Do not forget who you are talking to Supreme Commander

Commander.

Our words are final

final.
You have to obey us

us.

Or suffer the consequences

consequences.


A consequence worse than your own death

death.

I think you are trying to express that the speaker is not human. I think you should use a different font to show this instead no using ending periods.

If you enter, I will give you more notes. I hope to see you there.


Overall, I thought this was a good tale but it needs some work here and there.

Alice
288
288
Review of Coffee Bleeds Red  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love the title.

My frantic tossings had done the sheets all up in knots, my clothes soaked and clinging icy cold to my flesh.

""tossing" needs no "s" to be plural.


My brother was in the pool, sure enough, but he wasn’t moving. My brain suddenly blackened, only my eyes taking in the sights. I think I was screaming. Nothing inside me registered; I could only look on from the outside and see my body lunge toward Kyle’s, floating face down in the water. I could only dully watch as I dove under, his waterlogged limbs bobbing with the waves from my impact, watch my breaths raise his breathless lungs, once, twice, three times beforemy trembling hands slammed into his chest, throwing a desperate energy through the still muscles to the silenced heart.
I’m sure I was yelling at him, shoving my tear-stained face into his, breaking ribs as I pounded away at the still form that I half-straddled. I do know that his crystal eyes that had kept the girls close only stared past me, up at the sky that was bright and clear that morning.

These two paragraphs should be separated.

I could only dully watch as I dove under, his waterlogged limbs bobbing with the waves from my impact, watch my breaths raise his breathless lungs, once, twice, three times beforemy trembling hands slammed into his chest, throwing a desperate energy through the still muscles to the silenced heart.

before my


I think overall, this is well written.

I think it could do with a bit more description. Not much. Just some here and there.


Alice
289
289
Review of AWASH WITH WORDS  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well all right!

Congratulations on have a book I hope to leads to good things for you.

I really like the title and the cover words very well with it as well.

It must be nice to be able to hold in your hands your own work. It must make more solid and tangible.



As always
Alice
290
290
Review of MISSING YOU  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.5)
Here I am!

This is a simple poem. It is not caught up in mystical imagery, looking for meaning. It is straight forward.

I thought this was romantic and I think most people associate a place with a person they love and most people have at least one lost love so this should work for a number of folks.


Alice
291
291
Review of Heart Shaped Box  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello!

Thank you for taking part in this round of the Struck by Lightening.

You followed all of the rules.

+++

I like the title.

Great opening paragraph; very descriptive.


Minor Note:

The courier dropped the package on the desk and removed his helmet, “Are you Mr Ernest Higginbotham?”

Mr.

“I was told, Mr Higginbotham, to make sure only you received this package, please sign here.”

Mr.


As the pudgy hand guided the pen over the sheet, the courier pulled an envelope from his pocket, “and you have to read this first.”

"And




To me, your stories always have a dark sense of humor to them. I like that.

I should have the winner announced today.

New prompt up too.


Alice
292
292
Review of Eternity  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon5*Congratulations!*Balloon5*


Your story was deemed best in this round of the Struck by Lightening contest of February 9th round.

Sorry it took so long. I need to earn some points so that I could pass some out.*Blush*

as always,

Alice
293
293
Review of Stand Off  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I saw this in the Twisted Tale contest.

I think the title "Stand off" should be "Stand Off".


Minor Note:

'But it's my wall.' whispered Corvey.

wall,' whispered


'Only from your side.' laughed the young man.

side,' laughed


You could have knocked on my door and said,... something.'

No comma.


I thought this was easy to follow an the description worked well.

A...
294
294
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Remember to indent.

I like the title.



The truth is that what most Americans think of as communism is actually a misconception of the original thoughts of Karl Marx.

of,



With a caste system commonly seen in countries, the working class is exploited by those who have a substantial amount of capital and political influence.

With a caste system commonly seen in countries, those who have a substantial amount of capital and political influence exploit the working class.


In the Communistic theory equality is reached and there is no tyranny.

theory,

Yes, but can you point to a real life example of this?





Communism abolishes the ownership of public property.

I thought that communism abolished ownership of private property?



The slogan adopted by communists was,"From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs".

was, "From



A person wouldn’t need to worry about a difference in pay in the higher paying job versus an occupation that they wanted to do because his or her pay check would be the same regardless of the work done.

paycheck


Communism also changes the shape of human nature as we know it.

nature,


In order for Communism to be effective, all members of the party must be above reproach and absolutely utilitarian.

Ah, there is there is the sand in the cog of communism. Humans in large groups are not unselfish enough, nor honest enough to allow this to work.



Even a less virtuous man would eventually service the State because he will realize that his State can not become prosperous by any other way.

cannot


John Locke solidifies this point with the statement, “The dread of evil is a much more forcible principle of human actions than the prospect of good.”

You may wish to note for John Locke was.



They would say that any attempt at Communism would end like the former Soviet Union. Today’s China is a prime example of the effects of Communism.

Everywhere else communism is not capitalized.


The Chinese can not leave their homes without masks due to the enormous amount of air pollution.

cannot


A true Communism has never existed in our modern day society.

I think you should cut "A" or change it to "A true communist society"

communism


There is a chance that a perfect communistic utopia will one day exist, but there is no hope for a capitalistic paradise.

You offer nothing to back this up.

There is a chance that a perfect communistic utopia will one day exist, but there is no hope for a capitalistic paradise.

I cannot see why, unless we evolve not only socially, and physiological but I free we would have to radical reduce our populations.

Plus I feel there is something in the human condition in which we want to obtain new things. It makes us feel we have accomplished something.

Let's face us we are not all equal. Why we want to be. Some of are gifted in ways others are not.

And it seems that communist does nothing to address those with mental and physical disabilities.

I think humans need to feel special, that they make a difference and see it. I feel this too is largely why communism does not work.

They do not address self love and it is only when we love ourselves we can give to those around us as we should or can.




I think you do a good job is showing the pro and cons of communism and do little of this for capitalism. You say it too will fail. Where are your examples?

This is off balance. Either stick to communism or add to capitalism.

Plus I think this would read better with a quick recap of points and try and incorporate some of your opening paragraph.

You have such a wonderful title but you do little to reflect it in your essay.





A...
295
295
Review of Dear Valentine  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello again,

I thought this was really heartfelt. It touched me, with simplicity and its honesty.

I am sure this is something he will treasure for a long time to come.

It sounds like you found the right person. It good to know real love is still around.


Alice
296
296
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
I think this is a nice title.

I think the first line is interesting.



You know those people that bring pamphlets to your door step?

doorstep?



Our porch was built around a birch tree and as a it grew it pushed on the porched and in turn the porched pushed on the house!

I think...

Our porch was built around a birch tree, and as a it grew it pushed on the porch and in turn the porch pushed on the house!

However halfway done with cutting the tree, one of their ropes that was tied around one of the pieces slipped out of their hands.

were tied


We watched as the piece landed on the porch and broke one of the boards.

This could be a little more clear... What lands? Is it limb of the tree or a piece of rope?


In the end we were both laughing and wondering what those Jehovah's Witnesses were thinking as they drove off.

end,

Why is a Jehovah Witness blunder? They did as they were asked. I am sure they did not go around the things needed to cut trees down.

I am sorry but I just do not get the ending.

This could be a charming tale, but it lacks a descriptive heart, which takes away from the humor.

The nice thing about writing is you can change anything you like. You can even ignore my words.

Should you work on this, I will be happy to read this again.



Alice
297
297
Review of Free Fallin'  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Minor notes:

Enjoy myself, in other words

words.

Anyway, so I knew I would have to wait until at least Mid-March, and being the patient guy I am, I decided to go in late March.

mid-March

Well, if your asking…"One!"...Maybe we should talk about this…"Two!"...Seriously, couldn’t we just take the stairs?..."Three!"

if you're


This time is was just me and the tandem guy, and we were in a dinky, single-engine Cessna that made the previous plane look like the Concorde.

time was just


Overall, I thought this was written pretty well.


Alice
298
298
Review of Chapter One  
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I wish you give her name sooner.


As a novel, I hope to get a little more. You give the lightest ideas of what people, places and things look like.

No regard given to the amazing advancements in medicine and farming; simply, “Give us a tactical advantage or pack up and go home”.

home."


For me, it just feels a bit rushed.


Alice
299
299
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

The bodies to the left and right of me jerked a little bit every few seconds as new bullets found fresh dwellings.

Good line.


I left several bloody hand prints on the stone walls before I stood straight enough to reach the shelf.

handprints



No matter which one was the case, I did not get shot just yet, and that was alright with me.

all right



I think you should cut back on some of the sentences that start with "And".




Yeah, that was the ticket. Talk to myself, keep me awake. Must stay focused.

“Must stay focused.

I would cut the first, "Must stay focused."




These kind of things never end well, do they?

kinds




Springfield. Seemed much farther south than I would have expected. I had plenty of questions, though.

Some sort of strange space thing here.



I think that’s the majority of the physical woundings I have taken recently.

wounds



Battle field scars and all that. Something to tell my grandkids, a good yarn to spin when I was done with this whole thing.

Battlefield


Of course, I was almost positive that the only thing soon following this activity was probably going to be me and some unpleasant legal issues.

Of course, I was almost positive that the only thing soon following this activity was probably going to be some unpleasant legal issues and me.


If each member gave us as much trouble as did Callahan, no doubt we would be offed by number two.

be off by



I had kind of been counting on the feds to finish off those darn vigilante inbreds, but apparently that was a bit too much to ask for.

inbreeds,



A bullet went through the wind shield.

windshield.




That's it for this chapter.


Alice
300
300
Review by AliceNgoreland
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good opening on this one.

I was much more light headed than I had hoped I would be.

lightheaded


All the "Oh" bother me.


All I really needed, save for some food.

I think this line needs something.


Callahan was sitting there, likely my self appointed best friend among the redneck assassins.

myself


He was decked out in his traditional fancy suit, only this time, instead of a beer bottle in his hand, he was tightly gripping a lovely looking rifle.

hand;


I nice Colt shooter.

A nice


Bring on the young.

Bring on the dumb.

Good lines.



That is, if anyone was left around to care for what happened to Elvis, Missouri.

Missouri?



The backlit passageway was more or less something of an escape tunnel. I had used it. I had escaped. Why, then, was I unescaping?

not escaping?



I wish you could find another way of saying "Gruff".


Good closing.


Alice
807 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 33 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/vamp_cat/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12