Hi,Jade Amber Jewel ! I'm here to review this as one of the judges for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest"
The information in the first paragraph works as a good hook because it identifies Clyde's struggles. He is so nervous he curled himself in a ball. I was curious of why.
The actual chosen speech of these characters is realistic to the body language and actions of the story. Each character is distinct in their dialogue as well, which shows a lot of dimension in the characters.
In areas where there is dialogue, you tend to lump speech by several people in one paragraph. This causes some confusion as to who is actually speaking sometimes. So, I suggest breaking these paragraphs up. Below is one of those paragraphs broken up, so you can see what I mean.
"Are you guys ready?" Mrs. Rawlings asked.
"Yes," The students replied in a bored tone.
Mrs. Rawlings took a stack of paper as thick as a novel and started handing out a piece of paper out to each student. Derek rubbed his hand on Clyde's shoulder and comforted him by saying "Hey, don't sweat it. You're smart. I'm sure that you'll pass the test and move up."
Sure, I'm smart, but am I smart enough? Clyde worriedly thought.
"Clyde." Mrs. Rawlings interjected his thinking to put down a piece of paper in front of him. "Derek." She placed the same piece of paper that she gave Clyde, in front of Derek, then moved on.
I feel character development is the strongest aspect of this story. All characters are well developed, which helps the reader really see them, feeling like they are experiencing what they are. Good job with this!
There is some really good character development here. I really felt his anxiety throughout. Little details like sweaty palms, him dropping his books, and getting overwhelmed in the busy hallways, do well in building his character.
His friend was a sweet kid. I like how he does little comforting things like rubbing his nervous friend's shoulders to give him support.
The teacher seems stern. Her quick speech, clasping of hands, and tone in her dialogue give this impression. In some areas, she appears to be mean. For example, when he is sweating and anxiety stricken, she accuses him of trying to waste her time.
There are some great scenery descriptions, which really show how intimidating it would be for someone with anxiety. For one, the busy hallway would be overwhelming for anyone with phobias. Then aspects in the classroom, like the announcement on the chalkboard having exclamation marks.
Your interpretation of the prompt was unique! I was all into the story thinking it was so realistic with the poor kid's anxiety. Then once I got to the teacher getting arrested I thought you were getting carried away, bordering on way too unrealistic. Once I learned it was a dream, it made complete sense. Very creative.
I notice you use the word "that" a bit redundantly. The only reason I noticed is that I tend to have the same issue. Many times the sentence functions just fine without the world "that". Below is an example of what I mean.
he stayed in that position an hour after the teachers said that everything was now okay and that everyone could go home early. - Notice how you used the word "that" three times here? Two of them are unnecessary.
This is throughout, so I encourage you to evaluate the areas where you use the word "that" and delete those where the sentence reads just fine without it.
But one day at school would put any other day where his anxiety kicked in, to shame.
two kids bumped into him and nearly fell over- I think you are actually meaning Clyde almost fell over due to the kids bumping into him, but the way this sentence is worded it reads like the kids who bumped him almost fell over.
Clyde was soon engulfed by a swarm of students, some were chatting with friends as they walked, others had their heads down, either because they were reading a book or looking at something on their phone. - This is one long run-on sentence. Maybe consider using periods instead of commas to separate the complete sentences.
It has been a pleasure reading your story, Jade. It is impressive seeing someone so young putting so much effort into her writing. I wish my own children would take interest in writing, but alas, they are math people with little interest in such things. Anywho, I can only imagine what an amazing writer will be since you are working on honing in on your skills at such a young age.
Thank you for sharing your writing. Remember, the thoughts here are from only one person. It is up to you, the writer, to determine which advice to apply. Hopefully, my thoughts have been helpful. If at any time you edit this story, let me know and I would be happy to up my rating according to any repairs.
Most importantly, Keep writing!