|I get the idea- formalised, poetic diction for the night, and the grubbily realistic informal language of the day- and it's clever- and I should like it more than I do. I think this is simply a matter of personal taste- I can see that other people will like it- but it doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.
Looking at it again, I think the problem is a lack of rhythm. I can't quite see why lines end why they do- it's written in prose rhythms.
Having said that, I can see that a lot of people will like it. It makes a clear case, explores an interesting idea. This one is not for me, though other work might well be.
best wishes- I hope the GP's salve any disappointment I might have caused.