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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/yorkwriter99
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100 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Making cents  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.0)
Love it. I like the wry rumour, and the way you poke fun at the slow witted audience who just want a thudding baseline to jig along to.
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2
Review of In the Blue  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.0)
Simple. Very personal. Very effective. You paint a powerful picture of the return from isolation.
3
3
Review of The Rising Dawn  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.0)
A clever and competent use of a compled form.- not sure about " a love brushed fawn"- but I like "earth wise glow"
4
4
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.5)
Deeply moving. The repetition of " a loving mother" keeps the focus of the poem tight.
The poem is a wonderful tribute to your mother- and to your own courage.
5
5
Review of Quiet  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a good, honest poem. Everyone's been there at some time or another. I like the repetition of " I hate it" - by and large the rhythm works well. Did I enjoy it ? Yes Did it tell me something ? Yes.

Thank you
6
6
Review of Only Sometimes...  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (4.0)
This works very well. I love " dark seed'_ that is really good. You deal with the problem of being human- you do good stuff, you do bad stuff...how does it all add up ? And, when it comes to it, what kind of a person are you ? Everyone has to deal with these questions- so your poem hits a nerve in every reader. What YOU write makes ME think. That's what poetry is about.

I'm stuck with one line though:

I oppertunate the wrongs I see others do,

Don't know what you mean- and that throws me off balance for a moment.

Really good stuff, this- honest and thought provoking. Keep writing

7
7
Review of Forever  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.0)
This has more the feel of a song lyric than a poem- the repetition would work well if set to music. I like the rhythm too

I'm not happy with the near-rhymes " life" "sacrificed" "embrace" "escape"- it's neither one thing or another.

I'm not sure what " we'll watch our love embrace" means.

I do like the opening questions- this makes it focussed and personal.

For me, it's not entirely successful- but the overall meaning comes across clearly. I go back to what I said at the beginning- I think I would have a very different view of this piece if I heard it sung rather than reading it off the page. Believe me, there is something of value here. Keep writing.

8
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Review of Listen  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the quiet, conversational tone. I like the use of repetition- and the gentle sting in the tail. This is good- it's quiet, understated, and true.

Thank you. I really enjoyed this
9
9
Review of Secret Shame  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like poems with structure- and that's what you've written here. I like the bold "s" at the start of each line. However, you need to watch proof reading - "drifts" "seeps" are singular verbs with a plural subject. And though I like the last lines in V2 and 3, there's an awkwardness in the rhythm.

However, these are all technical niggles and the more you write, the more effective you become. The actual meaning and sentiment of the poem comes over clearly. It is moving and powerful, and I'm glad I read your poem.

Thank you
10
10
Review of The Unburdening  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love this. I think it's original and clever. I like " Inky seas" and "paper land". There's a hint of childhood rhymes here.
I have two problems, though
a.You need to proof read more carefully " Thruth" "im" This is awful.
b. The last line- I really like the sense but the rhyme stumbles dreadfully. You could try " When I sit with pen in hand" - that's a bit better.

Don't be put off, though. You've got a real talent here. Keep writing, keep revising.
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Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the kick in the tail. I wonder , though, if there are too many " More often than nots" ? If you dealt with fewer topics you could deal with them in more detail. Still, it's clever, thought provoking, and I liked it.
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12
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.5)
Two things strike me about this poem:
1. It owes a great deal to rap lyrics- I love your enjoyment of rhyme.
2. The rhyme- and the rhythm give it plenty of impact. There's love here, and desperation, and frustration. Once you start reading this poem, you can't break off. You've hooked the reader like a fish on a line.
It's real, it's powerful and I love it.

I just wonder whether you could write a poem from the opposite point of view. What IS the pain in his/her eyes ? That would be interesting.

Thanks again.
13
13
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like this- it's full of atmosphere. I like the "cheeky eye" and the shyness - we've all been there and what you write rings bells with every reader.

I like the ending- we'll never do that again - but where shall we go next week. Somehow you get the atmosphere dead right- this is real life.

I could niggle about the rhyme and the ryhthm- they could be tighter. But that doesn't really matter at all. You've got a good eye for real life situations, and a sharp pen. Keep on writing- I look forward to seeing more of your stuff.
14
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Review of Drop by drop  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like this. You talk about those awful periods of indecision and uncertainty which seem to go on for ever. You do what every good poet does- talk about something that's happened to you- and which strikes a nerve in every reader.

I like the " drop by drop" " Piece by piece"
" step by step"
I love the last line- nice image- " standing at the crossroads"

I don't like " reached a new low" - it's a bit of a cliche.

By and large the rhyme scheme works well but the rhythm is a bit uncertain at time - " I'm tired of searching, I haven't found a place" is a bit awkward.

But these are technical niggles. I like your poem because - like most of us, I've been there- and because you describe, not just what YOU felt, but what I flet as well.

This is good stuff. Keep it coming.
15
15
Review of pale eyes  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow ! This is very effective- i like the nervy, twitchy rhythm.
"covered in a pale casing but with bright blue eyes" points up the difference between appearance and reality.
However- I don't know what you mean by this line- "To trust is embed in any of them."

Still a p[oeerful and extremely successful poem. Very accomplished"
16
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Review of The light of dawn  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.5)
I get the idea- formalised, poetic diction for the night, and the grubbily realistic informal language of the day- and it's clever- and I should like it more than I do. I think this is simply a matter of personal taste- I can see that other people will like it- but it doesn't work for me, I'm afraid.

Looking at it again, I think the problem is a lack of rhythm. I can't quite see why lines end why they do- it's written in prose rhythms.

Having said that, I can see that a lot of people will like it. It makes a clear case, explores an interesting idea. This one is not for me, though other work might well be.

best wishes- I hope the GP's salve any disappointment I might have caused.
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Review of A Walk  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is the start of a poem- not the finished article. I like " dusk and dawn mingle"- they are very similar, aren't they ? Except that at dusk the colour and shape of things fades together, whereas at dawn you can see the shape of things, but not their colour- which comes later.

The poem needs to answer the questions:' When did I leave" and "Where did I wander"- there is a story here and as a reader you've got me interested enough to want to hear it. I want to know why the last line is so sad.

I read a quote from some poet who said that most poems need seventy five hours work before they're ready to see the light of day. Don't think of it as a drudge- think of it as fun- play around with the line order, alter words. Writing poetry is like solving a crossword when you don't even know what the clues are.

Get back to me if I can help further.
18
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Review of Crying, Crying  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm giving this a 5 because I can't find anything wrong with it, or any way to make it better.

You do everything right:
Simple language
Use of repetition for effect.
Rhetorical question.
Subtle, but successful rhythm


And the line " a newborn hatred rising with the sun" is superb. You make the point so tellingly and so well.
A total success.
19
19
Review of Borderline  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.5)
Simple. Straightforward- and relevant. Everyone has snuggled down to finish off a good dream. I liked it.
20
20
Review of Monday Morning  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.5)
You catchy the snarky, sarcastic tone of two bickering people perfectly. But where do you go from here ? Who are they ? What is their problem ? and how do they resolve it ?

If you make this into a full short story I would be very interested to see it.

Best wishes
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Review of TWAS THE NIGHT  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (4.0)
A really odd poem. I like the way it's structured- "Twas the night" is very formal and old-fashioned but what comes after is very modern, very colloquial. I'm not really sure what happens here- but I suspect I'm not meant to know. It's one of those poems where you work out a solution for yourself. The reader makes your poem complete by him/herself.

One niggle " It was a blue" - I don't know what that means.


I enjoyed redaing this. It made me work hard- and that's good.
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22
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (4.5)
A good poem because it describes a real experience well. Everyone has been there at some time or another- and the way you write describes your own experience, and chimes with the experience of the read. I particularly like the last two lines.
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Review of Heartbreak  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this because it's so real. Everyone has been there and your poem hits a nerve. You write about the vulnerability of love in a genuine and touching way.

You get massive impact by using present participle verbs- trying,arguing, being, leading, remaining, strengthening these add immediacy to what you're saying.

This poem tells the truth. That's what poetry is supposed to do. Well done.
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Review of Tomorrow  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the message- carpe diem- seize the moment. It's clear and well presented- but there doesn't seem to be much connection between one line and the next- there's no real flow. You might look at rhythm as well- " it's time to take the initiative" is a perfectly good line, except that (a)it has no real rhythm and (b) initiative is an awkward, blurry abstract noun.

"the future is mine for the taking" does have a pleasing, running rhythm- it trips easily off the tongue.

To summarise: I like the idea- it is clearly expressed, but I feel you could link the ideas together more.

Did I enjoy reading it ? Yes. I did. It has real possibilities
25
25
Review of Pain  
Review by Butler Yeats
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like this poem very much. First of all I like the formal style. You don't over simplfy; you give the reader some work to do. The second stanza works really well. Pain DOES make you feel ugly. It is not just a physical thing. You make the point that physical and mental pain are part of the same thing.

You have not chosen an easy subject to write about, but for me, you have succeeded. It's very personal- and yet, what you say is universally true.
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