*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aprildesiree/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
698 Public Reviews Given
972 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Firm yet fair.
I'm good at...
Poetry and short stories.
Favorite Genres
Historical fiction and fantasy. I also love any type of poetry, especially form poetry.
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-fi.
Favorite Item Types
Short story, poetry, chapter.
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactive.
I will not review...
Interactive.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 -3- 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
51
51
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷 !

It is my pleasure to review your short story on behalf of "Invalid Item" .

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Jack, Jill the jogger, and the big burly man at the end.

Plot:

Jack is sitting on a park bench when Jill jogs over to it. When she takes a tissue out of her pack, Jack spots an animal of sorts in it and freaks out. She runs away, only to be stopped by the big man who was hiding behind a tree. He wants the animal that she has.

Setting:

In a park. The descriptions were good.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is a third person narrative in both sections, and it was a bit suspenseful. The exposition is good, not too much and not too little. There were good similes, and the diction was great.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue sounded totally believable and natural.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning paragraph of Jack's part was a little slow, but it picked up the pace after that. Jill's first paragraph was great. The ending of both left me wanting more and to know what kind of animal that was.

Errors:

high-tailed it outta there --> high-tailed it out of there

Suggestions:

There were a few verb tenses used, including the past perfect with the auxiliary verb "had", and I'd suggest not using that as it creates too many tenses and isn't consistent.

Summary:

You did an excellent job of showing rather than telling here, something we all strive for. The emotions of fear and anxiety on Jill's part were shown through actions rather than told through narration. The story was interesting from the start, and it was also very cool to read it from two different perspectives. A great read, well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

** Image ID #1729357 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
52
52
Review of Mental Circus  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Revelry new writings soon !

I have the pleasure of reviewing your poem for "Invalid Item" .

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

There was a lot of dark emotion in this poem.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is somber. The diction is excellent, well thought out.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was no end rhyming scheme. There was a lot of consonance and some echoes.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There was some dark imagery here, with candlelight, black parade, angels, sleeping, mirror and circus. Nicely done.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks either used punctuation or enjambment to transition from one line to the next. There was no set meter, as this is a free verse poem. There were some instances of anaphora with "Welcome, welcome".

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I'd capitalize "anathema" as there was a question mark preceeding it.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

but I can't call the angels,
or I'll sleep forever!

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This poem had a dark meaning to it, and I had to read it a couple times to really absorb it. There was strong emotion in each stanza, and I felt the frustration and conflict the narrator felt to not "call the angels" but in the end decided to call them anyways. Nice work, I enjoyed this read.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

** Image ID #1729366 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
53
53
for entry "Merci" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Escape Artist !

I have the pleasure of reviewing your chapter for "Invalid Item" .

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Merci, the main character, and Manny or Mandela, her cat. There are people from her dreams/visions when she's having an event, but they aren't named.

Plot:

Merci is at home and once she's asleep, she has an event, or a dreamlike experience where she sees people and places that frighten her. When she awakes the next morning, she sees that she's written something while she was asleep that reads, "I am on the Island."

Setting:

In Merci's home.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is a third person narrative, and the tone is eerie and suspenseful. The exposition was a bit heavy in some places, but there were good similes all throughout the chapter. The diction was excellent but sometimes a little over the top with difficult vocabulary that the average lay reader might not understand.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was only dialogue when Merci spoke to her cat, and it sounded good.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was a bit slow, with thick narration and back story. The ending was a good cliffhanger.

Errors:

DON'T SHOOT THE CAT. --> needs to have a closing quotation mark after the period.
the seizure's had repeated --> the seizures had repeated

Suggestions:

Work on the beginning to add more action to pick up the pace. It doesn't have to be extreme action like the action genre, but just have Merci be doing things that lead us deep into the story from the get go.

The verb tenses were mixed, and the past perfect was used often, with the auxiliary verb "had" as in "She had known" etc. It should simply read "She knew". I made that up, by the way *Laugh*

Merci was alone with no other person this entire chapter, and I felt the need to see some human interaction. It referenced her friends, but I'd like to see them and have them speak to her to see a lot more dialogue in this good-sized chapter. I usually stay away from scenes where my character is alone, because it's so limiting in what I can do with it.

Summary:

This chapter was definitely suspenseful and had me on the edge of my seat while reading it, which is awesome. The writing in general was great, and you've set up your novel to tell a good story. It didn't give away too much which is good, as you want to save the goodies for later on, distributing them here and there, not all at once like an information dump which you didn't do. I'm definitely interested to know more about Merci and what her events may lead to. Good job!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

** Image ID #1729368 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
54
54
Review of Fluidity  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Black Reign !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting from the description.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

The narrator really is bitter when it comes to women.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is second person, speaking directly to the woman (or women?). The tone is spiteful and bitter, and the diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was a rhyming couplet in the third stanza with tame/shame, and another couplet in the fourth stanza with price/advice.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Venom, shrapnel, bleed, pores, demon, sweat, beast and loneliness. All very strong and vivid images.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks all employ enjambment except to go from one stanza to the next. There's no set meter as this is free verse. There's repetition of "You" a couple times.

*Right*ERRORS:

can not --> cannot

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

The rhyming couplets threw me off for a minute because I thought this was going to be an unrhyming poem. I wouldn't use the ellipses for every stanza, otherwise they lose their effect. Once is enough, maybe in the last stanza. All others can be replaced with periods.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I felt the raw emotion in these lines, and I wonder how the narrator was burned by the person he's speaking to. Your word choice and placement is great, and I liked the alliteration in the second and third lines of the first stanza. There were some colorful visuals in my head while reading this. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
55
55
Review of The Poetess  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Joe !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it caught my eye at the mention of a muse.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

I love poems about writing poetry!

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is loving and one of admiration and wonder. The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was a rhyming pattern of ABCB, etc.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There was some great imagery here, with poetess, thorn, finger, candlelit desk, and writing.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks used either enjambment or punctuation to transition. There was no meter as this is a rhyming free verse poem. There was one repetition of "poetess" and it was necessary.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I'd use more ending punctuation to separate the thoughts on the different lines. Enjambment is fine when the sentence or thought isn't finished, but if not, commas or semicolons can be useful. I'd put a comma after "To write".

The imagery was good but I would've liked to see more of it because now I know what you can do *Laugh*

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Suggests you, dear poetess,
To possess the very key to my salvation.

and

So at this candlelit desk am I left
To write and in creativity linger.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an awesome ode to writing poetry and to one's muse, a poetess herself. I felt such a strong emotional pull while reading this, as I felt like I knew exactly what the narrator was talking about regarding the muse and writing in general. I especially identify with the very last line, "Until you leave me like every other love I've had." That was an incredible line! Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
56
56
Review of The Tree  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Margaret Milham !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it caught my eye.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

I felt bad for this poor tree while reading it.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is calm and serious. The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There seemed to be no end rhymes in the first stanza, but in the second it went ABBB or the like.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There's a lot of rich imagery here all related to the tree, but also to what's surrounding it, like the birds, squirrels, clouds, sky, earth and wind.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Most lines ended with punctuation, while some used enjambment to carry over to the next line. There was no set meter. There was some repetition of just a few words but it was necessary to tell the story.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

In the line "cover him in shadow" I'd change it to "shadows". The lines all seem to be fairly long, and I think breaking them up might help the rhythm and flow of the entire poem.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

He dreams about the tree he could have been.

and

All other trees would cower and scrape beneath his feet.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a beautiful ode to a tree who was very old, and he was hidden in the shadows of other trees, and he's practically disfigured for a tree, from the twisted bark to the misshapen arch. I felt sorry for this tree who wanted to be pretty and young like all the others, and in the end, someone fells him. How sad! But how true, it happens every day. *Sad* I loved your word choice and word placement here, it was fantastic. Cut some lines in half and you'll have an amazing gem of a poem!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
57
57
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Simplify !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and this looked interesting.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

This is an ode to an apple tree.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is one of gratitude and admiration. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming pattern for the third, fourth and sixth stanzas goes ABCB, but the first two, fifth and final stanza only contain three lines.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Apple tree, fruit, dinner, leaves, kite, breeze, branches, sailing, wood, boughs, house, roots, cradle, child, boots, ground, grave and earth. Very impressive!

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks all contained punctuation at the end. There was a steady rhythm followed, I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a certain meter, but it flowed well. "Apple tree" was a refrain repeated in every stanza.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I wouldn't capitalize the second "Apple" in every first line of the stanza. There needs to be a period instead of a comma at the end of every stanza, since the thought has been completed. The third line of the first, second and fifth stanzas needs to be split up onto two lines, to create uniformity throughout the poem and to keep the rhythm flowing as it should. Not every line needs to be capitalized unless it's preceded by a period. Also, the first line of the final stanza should be split into two as well; that way all stanzas will have four lines.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Lend me your ground,
I feel my time is up,
And no grave have I found

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a beautiful ode to an apple tree, and all it has done throughout the years, and finally how it will become the resting place of the narrator. There were some great visuals here, and I liked how the narrator spoke to the apple tree directly. This was lovely.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
58
58
Review of Differences  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Carrie !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it caught my eye.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

I liked the message in this poem.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is soft. The diction is good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was alliteration with "Differences, don't discriminate", "they are there" and "assimilation or adaptation".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Bond and learning. The other verbs gave visuals but they were a little vague.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks used either punctuation or enjambment. There was no set meter as this is free verse. There was repetition of "differences" and "It's".

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I would've liked to see more imagery in this poem, with clearer visuals as to who is bonding, who is learning, etc. A metaphor or simile would be nice, too.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

they are there
to bond, cause learning.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I agree with the message of this poem, that differences can actually bring people together so that they bond, learn about each other, and grow as individuals. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
59
59
Review of Pain  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Release !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

There is a lot of pain and suffering in the words of this poem.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is sorrowful. The diction is average.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There is a rhyming pattern of ABBCCDDEFGH.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

World, heart, body and tears were images found here.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks all used enjambment. There was a meter followed, except in the third line. There was repetition of the words "My" and "Why".

*Right*ERRORS:

Don't capitalize all of the Whys in the last line.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I wouldn't capitalize every line, unless the previous line ended with a period, which there needs to be in some instances, and in others, a comma. I'd also break up the third line so that it fits onto two lines, likes so:

In this world,
I'm just grieving

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

My tears I cry
They don't lie

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a short poem but it was full of melancholy and longing. There was definitely emotion in every line, and the meaning was clear. With a little editing this will be an even finer poem. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
60
60
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi E. Greycourt !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

The tulip in this poem is a metaphor.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is calm and subdued. The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was no end rhyming scheme, but there was a lot of consonance in here.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Stone, concrete, tulip, firework, sky, glass, brick, red, stems, feet, grey, wind, cars, people, wilt, crack and sidewalk. This was all very beautiful imagery that all tied into the story/message of the poem.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Some line breaks used enjambment while others used punctuation, so that was a nice mixture. There was no official meter as this is free verse. There was some repetition of a few key words, but they were necessary to keep the images alive.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I would capitalize every line unless the previous one ended in a period.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Blazes more brilliant than a firework
In a sky of glass and brick;

and

The tulip in the crack in the sidewalk
Thrives because it is the only one.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

Those lines immediately above about being the only tulip in the crack in the sidewalk speaks to a much larger picture, and that's what made me think that this is a metaphor for people in general, how they can thrive if they're the only one doing something because sometimes the pressure of having competition is just too much, and when there's a lot of negativity around someone, they're definitely not going to thrive; they need to be removed from that environment with those people to start anew. I liked this piece, it was a great read.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
61
61
Review of Empty Pages  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi paintmelikeiam !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and I wanted to know what the "deeper meaning" was that you hinted at in your introduction.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

This is written about an abandoned book going through some terrible times, but I think that's just a metaphor for the bigger picture.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is sorrowful. The diction is good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was no end rhyming scheme, but there was a refrain of "Here I am, an abandoned book" as the first line of the first stanza, second line of the second stanza, and so on until the fourth stanza.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There was a lot of great imagery here, with abandoned book, rot, soaked pages, decrepit, destroyed, cover, screaming, tears, letters, leaves and scars. You covered a lot of material here.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks all used enjambment to transition from one to the next. There was not a set meter per se, but there was a good rhythm and it flowed nicely.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I'd use some punctuation at the end of lines to separate the thoughts, and don't capitalize every line unless there was a period on the previous one.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Pages soaked, decrepit, destroyed
Wait for the end in agony

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a great poem about an old book that no one wants anymore, and how it's being abused, yet I feel like it's a metaphor for something much larger than just the book. The book represents the narrator as a person, and he feels like no one appreciates him anymore since he's been abandoned. This was a great piece of writing, a good read. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
62
62
Review of Summer Fruit  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Shepard !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it caught my eye.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

It's nice to think about summer when the winter is at its worst.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is second person, addressing the "you" and "your" other person, and the tone is one of remembrance. The diction is quite excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was an end rhyming scheme of AABB CCDD, etc. There was loose alliteration with "piled in the pen", and standard alliteration with "splashing spray", "summer sun", "with wine", "sweet song", "cozy cowl" and "but by". Alliteration is like music to the ears.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There were beautiful visuals here, with snow, glen, apples, pen, fire, fruit, parties, spray, rosy cheeks, kids, beaches, drinks, rum, peaches, meadows, sun, back, wine, blanket, sack, logs, tackle, lake, fish, hooks, bait, frosty wind, cowl, vest and summer. Wow! That was quite a lot to pack into one poem, very nice.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks sometimes used punctuation to end them and enjambment at other times to carry one thought from one line to the next. The meter was wonderful and followed closely. I didn't find any obvious repetition of anything.

*Right*ERRORS:

Its good to sit --> It's good to sit
fish-less hooks --> fishless hooks

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I'd just fix the errors above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

When snow has fallen, 'cross the glen

and

So let the frosty wind be foul
all wrapped up in your cozy cowl.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This poem was full of lovely images of warm summer days lounging, strolling across the beach and having a nice cocktail. Yet the poem takes place in the dead of winter, with frosty winds and snows falling, so the narrator is advising us to endure the cold by remembering how great summer is. This was a great read, well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
63
63
Review of Garden of Rose  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi abahar !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

The narrator has an unforgiving attitude towards religion.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is bitter and resentful. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was an end rhyme scheme of AABBCC, but somewhere towards the middle it veered from that and so one line then two lines after it would rhyme, sort of in a ABAB way.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There was a lot of good imagery here, with dance, garden, rose, beauty, fruit, banishment, marsh, world, ghoul, man and set free. Very nice.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks all used punctuation to complete them, and that made it easy to move on from one line to the next. There was no set meter as this is a rhyming free verse poem. There was a repetition of "dance with me" from the first line to the second to last line, and "chose" was in the second line then the very last line of the whole piece.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

The rhyming tripped me up in that it didn't stay consistent with the AABB pattern, but sometimes was CDCD towards the middle. Also, the rhymes sounded a little trite and forced; for example, cruel and ghoul. It sounded like you were just looking for whatever rhymed with cruel, and forced ghoul into the context of the poem to make it work. I'd suggest finding a whole new rhyme to replace cruel so that its accompanying rhyme doesn't sound forced. Finally, I'd break up the stanzas with spaces, however many lines you want in each stanza is up to you, but to have the entire poem be without spaces to separate the stanzas is a bit difficult on the eyes.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Where shall we go?
we have the whole world to explore,
Must we slow,
If we have each other to adore?

Those were very nice lines.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This is a moving piece about questioning religion and the original sin, and how it is unfair to be judged only by what God has seen. The narrator seems to want to break away from religion to live a fuller and peaceful life. The arguments made were good points, and makes one question things. Very good work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
64
64
Review of Unchained  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi 🌕 HuntersMoon !

It's my pleasure and honor to review your sonnet.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

Love can be tormenting sometimes, and sometimes we just have to break free and move on.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is full of pain and bitterness, and rightly so. The diction is quite excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming followed the English sonnet's pattern. All rhymes were clever and not the usual ones we see often.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There was a lot of great imagery here, with chains, silk, soul, breath, death, cuts, heart, crawl, ground, bindings, horizons, eyes, tears, bleed and road. Wow! That was awesome.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

There was punctuation in some line breaks and enjambment in others, and I liked the mixture. The meter was spot on, employing iambic pentameter perfectly. There was only repetition of the word "No" a couple times but it was appropriate to do so.

*Right*ERRORS:

There's two periods after the final line of the entire sonnet, and I wasn't sure if you meant it to be an ellipsis or just one period?

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

Just the error above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

yet scorn me should I fail to play the part
that you expect. This isn't life, it's death;

How true that can be sometimes!

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

The emotion in these words packed a real punch here. I felt like the narrator had been betrayed in some way by his mate, if only in the sense that he entrusted his heart to her and she abused that trust. It sounds like there was definitely some emotional and psychological abuse on the part of the mate as well, or at least that's what I gleaned from it. "A thousand cuts that slowly kill the heart" says it all for me there. There were so many visuals of being enslaved in the relationship and enduring her attacks. Yet in the end the narrator finds the strength to break free and start life anew. I thought the ending was wonderful, and it concluded the entire sonnet in a satisfying manner. Very, very well done! Another one of your gems *Bigsmile*

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

** Image ID #1787886 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
65
65
Review of Be still  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi M.Ross !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and I thought I'd take a look.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

This reminded me of heartbreak I've gone through with a significant other.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is sorrowful. The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was a unique rhyming pattern, as it went ABB AA CDD EE FF GG HIH. There were instances of consonance with "still my beating heart", "faded", "hatred sets", "revenge is branded in", and more.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

There was a lot of rich imagery here, including heart, burnt, faded, ripped, torn apart, empty shell, hollow eyes and spark. Very nice.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks all used punctuation to separate them. There was no set meter as this is a rhyming free verse. There were many echos of the words "Be still my" or just "be still".

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

The repetition of "be still" was a bit much, because in the final stanza of only three lines, it's there three times. It's also in the first and second stanzas. Also, the repetition of the word "in" so close to the first time makes it sound awkward; "Now hatred sets in, revenge is branded in..." -- the second "in" can simply be omitted.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Joy, hope and love, could I truly live without?

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This poem spoke of a love that didn't last, and ended in incredible heartbreak. The pain and suffering conveyed in these lines was quite strong, and every word was chosen carefully and was germane to the content of the poem. I felt bad for the narrator. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
66
66
for entry "Life Moves Onward" 
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi 💙 Carly !

I'm reviewing your poem as your Rising Stars Sponsor for a member-to-member review.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

The world will always continue to turn and time will march on.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, but sounds like third person in the beginning. The tone is solemn, and the diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was no ending rhyme scheme as this is a free verse poem. There were echoes after "ripple" with "Tripping" and "Dipping", and different variations of the word "moving", such as "movement" and "moves". There was consonance with "Words ripple over words/Tripping", "Tripping against", "into the next", "movement" and "Never resting". This all makes for rich and colorful sounds while reading.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Words, ripple, tripping, dipping, ebbs and flows, sea, moving, carrying on and resting.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks all used enjambment to move from one to the next, which made it all sound like one free-flowing thought, and the shortness of the lines made it even easier to transition. There was no meter form as, again, this is free verse. There was diacope with "Words ripple over words".

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

This is a matter of preference but I wouldn't capitalize every line since there's no ending punctuation until the very end.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Words ripple over words
Tripping against time and

and

Expression gathers
Ebbs and flows
Like the movement of the sea

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I love the continuous flow of thoughts in this poem, and the images they conjured in my mind. The words rippling and tripping against time was awesome, and the simile of the movement of the sea was beautiful. There were so many visuals packed into this rather short poem. I felt lost in the "movement of the sea" and in time as I read this piece. Very well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

"RS - Member to Member Review!" - any Rising Star member is free to use this signature! :)

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
67
67
Review of Tomorrow  
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kristi !

I'm reviewing this poem as a fellow member of Rising Stars.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

Love is all flowers and butterflies in the beginning, but it can turn into something gloomy eventually.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is at first joyful and reflective, then subdued and melancholic towards the end. The diction was excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was an ending rhyme scheme of ABAB, etc. There was consonance with "Two hearts beating", "beneath one", "that blankets", and more. There was alliteration with "beating beneath", "sends my senses" and "once were". All of these patterns make for a rich sound when reading aloud or even in my head.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Hearts, roofs, blankets, hand and drown. There were also some verbs that created images in my head, nicely done.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines were all broken by punctuation, making for smooth transitions from line to line. The meter was generally iambic tetrameter, but some lines had one syllable too many or one syllable too few. That is allowed in iambic tetrameter occasionally, and even the stress can be on the first syllable instead of the second, which there was evidence of that here.

There was also diacope with the repetition of "roof" in the second line, "feelings" in the third line, "proof" in the fourth line, and "reeling" in the fifth line, and also with "hand in hand". There was also anaphora with "times spent" at the beginning of the seventh and eighth lines.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I have none; I like it the way it is.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Together now means being alone-
alone to drown in our own sorrow.
Our plans together once were known,
Those plans won't live to see tomorrow.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a lovely piece that speaks of the union of a couple in romantic bliss at the debut of their relationship. However, that bliss turns into reality when hard times arrive, and they soon realize that they're alone. When it referenced drowning in sorrow and being alone, I wasn't sure if that meant because their children are gone, or something else. I know that often happens to couples when their kids leave the house, and that's why it's so important to maintain your love and friendship with your mate during all those years. If it didn't mean this, then I'm afraid I don't know why they became lonely and drowning in sorrow all of a sudden. Whatever the case, this was beautifully written with strong emotion in every line, nearly every word. Great job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

"RS - Member to Member Review!" - any Rising Star member is free to use this signature! :)

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
68
68
Review of Spilt Milk  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Eliacie !

I found your story on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS"  and it looked interesting.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Peter, Oliver, baby Jamie, Nanny Carol, and Beth, the children's mother.

Plot:

Peter and Oliver, two children who are friends, decide to make chocolate milk per Oliver's demand. When it doesn't turn out the way he thought it would, Oliver knocks his glass over and it shatters on the floor. Peter is cleaning it up when Nanny Carol finds him, and he blames Oliver, even though he knows he'll have to pay for snitching on Oliver. Nanny Carol puts him in time out upstairs in the guest room of the house, and Oliver goes to play outside. When Beth comes home, Nanny Carol tells her what Peter's done...

Setting:

In Peter's home. The setting was very well described.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is a third person narrative, and the tone is intense. The exposition was written well and the back story was in short spurts, broken up evenly throughout the story, so well done on that. The diction was appropriate for a children's story.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue sounded very real and natural.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning sucked me in immediately because I wanted to know what the "bad idea" was, and when the diaogue started almost right away, it set a good pace for the story to flow. The ending was amazing! *Bigsmile*

Errors:

In the lines of dialogue, there needs to be a period at the end of the normal sentences, and inside the quotation marks. It would only not be a period if it were a question or needed an exclamation mark.

Suggestions:

What I mentioned above, and I'd also only use the past simple tense for conjugating verbs when possible. You used the past perfect most of the time, with the auxiliary word "had" and it tends to muddy up the script.

Summary:

This was a fascinating story about a boy who has an imaginary friend. You so carefully and expertly crafted your story so as not to reveal the fact that Oliver was, in fact, imaginary until the very end of the story, which was brilliant! I was shocked and then had an "Aha" moment when the revelation of Oliver's true state came up in the narration. Also, when the mother pinched the bridge of her nose in anger and impatience, that was also very well written because I don't believe you even mentioned any word depicting emotion; you showed rather than told, which was excellent, and what we all strive to do. This was an awesome story, a great read! Well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

** Image ID #1787886 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
69
69
Review of Struggle  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Mitch !

I'm here as a judge on behalf of "The Perfect Sonnet Contest"  for one of your three entries for Round 9.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

Unrequited love is so difficult to endure.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is melancholic. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The end rhymes follow that of a Shakespearean sonnet, but the rhymes near/care aren't a perfect match.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Hands, gazes, heart, words, laugh, play, silent tears and smile. All are germane to the content of the sonnet.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks either use enjambment or punctuation to go from one to the next. Iambic pentameter was spot on, and if there was any repetition, it wasn't too obvious.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

Just fix those rhymes mentioned above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

I laugh and play for all around to see
while silent tears amass behind the smile.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a sorrowful sonnet about a love that cannot be expressed out loud, therefore the feelings might not be mutual. The narrator struggles with his love because he's dying to shout it from the mountaintops, but is afraid of the reaction he'll receive, so he acts like everything is normal and goes on with life. I'm sure many can relate to those sentiments, as it happens often in the real world. The emotional pull was srong in this sonnet, and I felt for the narrator. Great work, well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

Simply Positive Group Signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
70
70
Review of Oh the Cost  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi BIG BAD WOLF is hopping !

I found your poem on the Please Review page and it looked interesting.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

This is about what the cost of freedom really is for normal citizens to enjoy their freedom while the people in the Armed Forces do all the hard work.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is melancholic, at times bitter. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There were some rhymes, such as free/be and did/kid. There was some alliteration with "keep this country".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Country, friends, dying, bleeding, kid, brother, medals, a safe, eyes and dead.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines all used enjambment to transition from one to the next. The rhythm was pretty good and consistent except for the last line, but it still sounded good. There was a lot of repetition of the line "Oh the cost I've paid".

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I don't think repeating the line "Oh the cost I've paid" in every line works in this poem's favor. Using a variation of that line for every other line might make it an easier read, and not sound so repetitive.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Oh I paid the cost
I paid the cost, the cost of freedom

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a beautiful poem honoring those who have served and died for us all to be able to live our lives freely and without any worries of losing our freedom. Indeed, the cost of freedom is so much, and more people should take time out of their days to be grateful to those who serve. I think every day should be Memorial Day here in the U.S. It really angers me how people who are anti-war have a huge disrespect for our people in the Armed Forces, and don't support the troops. I understand not supporting the wars, but one should still keep the troops in their thoughts and prayers regardless because they're going to serve no matter what, and to ignore that fact is like spitting on our own freedom and saying we don't need it. So thank you for this poem, it was a great read and a real eye-opener.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

Simply Positive Group Signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
71
71
Review of The Elevator  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Stuart !

I found this story on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS"  and it looked interesting, so I'm here to give it a review.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Mike, Kate, Shane and Ben.

Plot:

There is a mysterious elevator built a long time ago in an old abandoned building. The four are very adventurous and decide to find it, then go down the elevator even though no one ever has before, and there's no way back up the elevator because it wasn't built that way. In the end, they decide to take the ride down. (Yikes!)

Setting:

In the old pre-Victorian abandoned building.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is a third person narrative, and the tone is eerie and quite suspenseful. The exposition and back story was very heavy all throughout, and the diction was good but at times it was a little over the top.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue was believable, although it didn't start until halfway through the story.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning intrigued me, as I didn't quite know what was going on in the story until it got to the sentence about the elevator. The ending was a little disappointing to me because I really, really want to know what happened to them at the bottom, but I understand that's your point is to leave it up to our own imaginations as readers.

Errors:

There was a question in the dialogue that had no question mark after it. Much of the formatting around the dialogue needs to be corrected. If there's a "he said" after a line of dialogue, there needs to be either a comma or question mark inside the quotes, then the "he said" after the closing quotes.

Suggestions:

I would've liked to see some dialogue earlier on, to get a feel for the characters. The back story and exposition could've been spaced out a bit more so there could be more of a focus on action in the beginning, which will get things moving. I think the characters need to be introduced in a more clever fashion than giving them their own paragraphs and telling us what we need to know in such a formal way. Sneak in little tidbits about them through action and dialogue, and that will make for better pacing of the story. The language and word choice is often too verbose in the first few paragraphs and it could be a little tighter and more concise.

Summary:

This story definitely had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Once it had been established that the elevator was scary (at least it was in my opinion!) and they wanted to go down it, I was hanging onto every word. I like the idea of the elevator, it seems quite original and it doesn't sound like any other story I've heard/read, so bravo on that. I was definitely nervous for the four characters and wanted them to go down it but I also wanted to know what happened after, which I didn't get to know because it's a real cliffhanger. Good job here, I greatly enjoyed this read.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

** Image ID #1787886 Unavailable **

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
72
72
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi OhMySweetPajamas !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and this poem looked interesting.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

A little girl is playing with poison, and the end results are deadly for everyone involved.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is somber yet reflective. The diction is excellent.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme goes ABABB, etc. I couldn't pinpoint what form of poetry this is; if you could let me know that would be great.

There was also alliteration with "once was".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Little girl, bottle, poison, tiny fist, wrist, spilling, liquid, ground, dark black roses, sprouting, flow, flowers, growing, waist, torso, encased, elbow, vined creation, thorns, cyanide, buds, hiding, shivering, mouths, victims, snarling, growling, family, crunching, chewing and plant. Quite impressive!

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks used punctuation to flow from one line to the next. There was a certain rhythm in this piece, and it was consistent throughout. If there was any repetition, I didn't catch it since it wasn't that obvious.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I have none; I love it the way it is.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

A massive, vined creation stood where that little girl once did,
With thorns so sharp and tipped with cyanide,

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an incredible story told in poetic form of a girl who spilled drops of poison, they soaked into the ground, then grew a black rose bush all around her, enclosing her in it. Not only were the roses tipped with poison again, but the girl, now practically a plant, would eat her family members around her. This could simply be a story or it could be a metaphor for something bigger. I understood both, and tip my hat for such a wonderful poem. Very well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
73
73
Review of A dark place.  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi inkwell !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and this poem caught my eye.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

Love and relationships hurt.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is bitter. The diction is good.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There is a rhyming pattern of AABB, but the final couplet in the second stanza do not perfectly rhyme; rather there is assonance in cry/hide. There was also consonance in "aren't the man", "time I thought" and "just isn't".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Sinking, darkness, shell and hiding.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines were full and complete thoughts, using proper punctuation at the ends. The meter was followed well. There was a lot of repetition of the word "you".

*Right*ERRORS:

All the time i thought --> All the time I thought
just isnt fair --> just isn't fair

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

I would've liked to see some more imagery/visuals in this poem, although not too much since it is a shorter piece. I'd find a way to reword some of the lines and phrases so that the word "you" isn't overdone. And fix the errors above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

Darkness has enveloped me.

and

I'll sink back into my shell and cry.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This poem was rich with emotion, and I felt the narrator's pain in every line. It's a shame that the failed relationship causes the narrator to shy away and "hide" from love. The form was followed well, and with a bit of editing, it will be a very fine poem. Good job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
74
74
Review of Whispering Tears  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi Alexi !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and it looked interesting.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

Love and relationships are not guaranteed to last forever.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is reflective, at times melancholic. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was alliteration with "When we", "knows me not", "loved we laughed", "wind...whispered" and "band of bonds". There was also consonance with "met that night", "Time went", "gold band of bonds", "Night stars", and "eyes still whisper".

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Night, eyes, whisper, laugh, wind, wedding ring, stars and tears. All lovely and varied images.

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines were full and complete thoughts, making it a nice transition from one to the next. The meter flowed relatively smoothly. There was a lot of repetition of "whispered it all", "eyes" and "wind", but I liked it.

*Right*ERRORS:

We loved we laughed --> We loved, we laughed
You know me now you're gone --> You know me, now you're gone

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

Fix the errors above, and I don't think I would use the ellipses in every line. It's effective when used maybe once or twice, but when it's in every line it loses its charm. Commas would suffice for the most part.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

A gold band of bonds...storing memory...just we two

and

My tears and the wind...whisper it all

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a wonderful yet heartbreaking poem of a great love that didn't have a happy ending. I'm curious as to know how the narrator's mate left; did he die? Did they simply get divorced? The "gone...forever" implies that he died, and I'd like to know more about that, but maybe you were going for an air of mystery in this, in which case you succeeded. I liked the chronology of events that passed, from her thinking he doesn't know her very well, to them growing closer over time, then getting married, but then he's no longer with her in the end, and her tears are the last image we're left with *Sad* Beautifully written.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
75
75
Review of Dakota 2011  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi Lou-Here By His Grace !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and this poem looked interesting.

*Penbl*FIRST REACTION:

A scary flood happened.

*Mic*VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is somber. The diction is great.

*Music1*SOUND PATTERNS:

There was a loose end rhyming scheme, sometimes ABCB, sometimes ABCDB, and others.

*RainbowL**Clouds**Treecypress*IMAGERY:

Water, screen door, water, FEMA man, lights, land, camper, smiles, sun, shaking hand, rivers, berms, dikes, city streets, rain, flood, bell, gavel, bare feet, sand, wine, moon, oceans, children, twilight, back, drywall and joists. Wow!

*Notepad*LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were smooth and easy to follow, but the meter was inconsistent. There was repetition of the first two stanzas towards the middle and end of the poem. It seemed almost like a song more so than a poem.

*Right*ERRORS:

None found.

*CheckB*SUGGESTIONS:

Polish up the meter a bit.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

sitting with bare feet in sand
drinking wine and watching the moon
painting oceans and land.

*ThumbsUp*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an interesting piece about a flood and the events leading up to it. I was a little scared while reading it because I knew what was coming. Good form, good rhymes, and great writing. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

My signature.

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
363 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 15 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/aprildesiree/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3