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126
126
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Andy !

Thanks for reviewing my poem the other day. I'm here to return the favor.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is serene. The diction is standard.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is ABBA CDDC for this sonnet. There was loose alliteration with "lost my love", "turn to", "once was", and more. I found assonance with "to you", "I find", "my side", and more.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Dark night, dawn, sky, black, blue, dark storm, sun, shade, ear and eyes. All nice varied images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks employed enjambment at times but it was hard to tell since there wasn't any punctuation, but that is all a matter of style. The meter flowed relatively smoothly except the third line in the first stanza which was missing a syllable causing it to fall one half of a metrical foot short. The line "When all seems lost my love" repeated just a bit too much to the point where it lost its effect.

ERRORS:

When all seems lost my love I turn to you --> When all seems lost, my love, I turn to you

When all seems lost my love I'm not afraid --> When all seems lost, my love, I'm not afraid

When all seems lost my love I call your name --> When all seems lost, my love, I call your name

When all seems lost my love you turn to me --> When all seems lost, my love, you turn to me

SUGGESTIONS:

Fix the errors above, add just one syllable (one half of the iamb) to finish off the fifth iambic foot in that line, and perhaps find another way to phrase the main line just one of the times if by only changing one or two words in it so that it doesn't become trite.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"And a sky that once was black turns to blue"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a beautiful ode to love and the power it has to help us through whatever situation we're going through, good or bad. This poem focused on the bad, as is evidenced by the lines "When all seems lost" and how the narrator's love carries him through those difficult times. Add the commas, work out the meter in that one line but I'd say overall a very nice job done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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127
127
Review of To My Love  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi Meshellmybell !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look, and here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is loving. The diction is above average.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is AABB. There was loose alliteration with "let me love", "he has" and "someone so".

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Heart, husband, man, daughter, eyes, horizon, blood and lungs.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines were cleanly broken with punctuation. The meter was all off since the first stanza was uniform but the meter didn't follow the pattern after that first stanza and the stanzas after that first one had too many metrical feet in them so it made for a bumpy ride. The word "You" was repeated a bit too much.

ERRORS:

life truly begun --> life had truly begun
of my blood , --> of my blood,

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd clean up the meter, and find a way to rephrase the "You" lines.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"You loosened the binds of my heart for all eternity."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a beautiful ode to one's husband and the love one has for him. I can see the emotion coming through each and every line, as well as each word. I'm sure many people can relate to the sentiment found in this piece, I know I can *BigSmile* I enjoyed reading this, good job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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128
128
Review of Red Bear  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi kylan !

I found this story on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look, so here are my thoughts.

The characters are all introduced, but only two cousins (Terry and Cole) are named, and not even the narrator is named. The setting is good, first in the grandmother's house in the present day and then it turns into a flashback. The voice is first person, the exposition is a little heavy but it's probably necessary since it leads into the flashback, and the diction is standard. There were some spelling errors, like "contuine" should've been "continue", "themshelves" should be "themselves" and more. What I observe from this story is that the plot is lacking in substance. I would add some more action to the beginning of the story, and then wrap up the story in the end with a more finalizing conclusion. Although this needs some fine tuning, you have a promising start here.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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129
129
Review of Just a Moment  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi CMKepley !

I found your story on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting, so here I am, and these are just some of my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

The narrator, and the woman in the sundress.

Plot:

The narrator is riding on a bus at random and sees a stunning woman in a red sundress.

Setting:

On a bus.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is first person, and the tone is subdued. The description is nice, and the diction is good.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The two lines of dialogue were very unique.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was a bit slow, with heavy narration in lieu of instant action which would be preferable to get the ball rolling for any story. The ending had a nice finality to it, wrapped it up in a tight way.

Errors:

ever changing landscape --> ever-changing landscape
clouds and sun shine --> clouds and sunshine
red sun dress --> red sundress
My heart beat --> My heartbeat
like angles' harps --> like angels' harps

Suggestions:

I would've liked to know the characters' names at some point, if not the woman in the sundress then at least the narrator. Hit the ground running in the beginning with some action to get the story moving, then sprinkle the exposition and narration in there as needed.

*Heart*Favorite Lines:

"I feel both the relief of obligation and the sinking heart that accompanies missed opportunities."

Summary:

This was an interesting encounter on a bus of all places, with a woman who is interesting herself from her one line of dialogue. I enjoyed reading this, good work.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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130
130
Review of Startled Awake  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi SylphLuna !

I found your short story on the Noticing Newbies page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Logan, and the unnamed female character, who I'm assuming is a fairy.

Plot:

Logan is awoken to a voice that sings to him in his sleep.

Setting:

Logan's bedroom.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

The voice is third person, and the tone is suspenseful. The exposition is given in small doses, which is good. The diction is great.

*Thought*Dialogue:

There was little dialogue, but since it was so short of a story, it was fine. The dialogue that was there was believable.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning was quite interesting, and captivated my interest. The ending was sad, and a little mysterious, as I wasn't sure why they were saying "Goodbye" to each other, but maybe the mystery was intentional.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

I would let us know the name of the fairy so that we can visualize her even more. Also, don't overuse the ellipsis, the ... throughout the story. Once is enough, otherwise it loses its effect.

Summary:

This was a beautiful and at the end sad story of a couple that loved each other without even knowing it, who finally met at long last, but then had to part ways. It had so much content in such a short span of words, so well done on that.

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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131
131
Review of petals  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hi fizzie !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look.

The voice is first person, and the tone is mysterious. The diction is above average. There are images of hills, primrose petals and spring blossoms in this piece. The line breaks employ enjambment, and the meter is good. The content was a bit obscure, and I was left a little confused as to what the meaning behind the poem really was toward the middle. My favorite line was "my mind, my worst enemy". Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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132
132
Review of Behind Her Words  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi KBowyer !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice was third person, and the tone was soft. The diction was standard.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The rhyming scheme is ABABCDCD.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Mountains, valleys, smile and a heart.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines had punctuation to break them. The meter was uniform in the pattern it followed.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I might add some more action or imagery to the piece to lengthen the story.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Mountains high or valleys steep,
He wouldn't let them be apart."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a nice ode to love and relationships. The structure was good and the formatting was good. Nice job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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133
133
Review of The Fight  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Gemini_JustWrite !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look at it, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is somber. The diction is excellent.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I found loose alliteration with "heart beats hollow", "fight for" and "battle and blessings".

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Heart, fingers, brain and battle.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were steady, using no punctuation. The meter was fairly smooth.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I have none, I liked it the way it is.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"I fight for survival
I fight for my future"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a heartfelt portrayal of what I believe the narrator was describing depression to be. It was well written and well thought out. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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134
134
Review of Embrace Me!  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Whitemorn !

I found your poem on The Review Request Page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look, and here are my thoughts.

You seem to have followed the structure of the poem very well. I wonder if you could've added maybe one or two samples of imagery in the piece; I know it would have to totally rework some lines but it might add more meaning to the lines. I liked the alliteration in "masterfully made". The line breaks were clean, using punctuation at the end of every line. No spelling or grammar errors found. This was a nice ode to the narrator's love, and I felt the adoration that the narrator had for the other. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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135
135
Review of Disease of Doubt  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Silent Writer !

I found your poem on The Review Request Page and it looked interesting so I thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person and the tone is subdued. The diction is excellent.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Hands, soldier, war, child, writer, shadow, pen, poison and heart. Nice images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment was used to break the lines but punctuation accompanied them as well. The meter was good. "Doubt" and "Disease" repeated a couple times.

ERRORS:

solider --> soldier
over powers --> overpowers

SUGGESTIONS:

Fix the errors above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"self doubt is the poison, living deep within."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an interesting take on doubt and what it can do to a person, especially to a writer. I appreciated the message in this piece, well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

April

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136
136
Review of Scars and Smiles  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hi chavhater,

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and this poem caught my eye, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is reflective. The diction is standard.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There's alliteration and assonance in "my mind". There's assonance in "my life". There's another instance of alliteration with "make me" and "mark my".

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Tears and scars.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The lines were broken up with punctuation which made for smooth transitions from line to line. The meter flowed nicely, and there was a little repetition of some words, but it wasn't overdone.

ERRORS:

If am --> If I am

SUGGESTIONS:

Fix the error above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"But soon I hope a smile with mark my future."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a powerful piece that deals with struggles and hardship. I felt the emotion strongly in each stanza. The narrator's personal battle was portrayed well through this poem. Very good job.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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137
137
Review of Nature poem  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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Hi Adam Gold !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look, and this poem looked interesting so here are my thoughts. The voice is third person, and the tone is observational. The diction is standard. There is some rich imagery about nature here, from the water and sun to the grass and leaves and clouds. The meter flowed fairly well, although the line breaks need punctuation. I liked the line "sending chills in the clouds". This was a well-written piece, but I feel like it only scratched the surface of something bigger, and it was so short a poem, so it could've been a little longer.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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138
138
Review of Battles  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Possibilities !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and this poem looked interesting. The diction was great, and the meter was smooth. Change "battle wont" to "battle won't". I liked the visuals of the unfed tiger in his cage, and all the different battles being fought. My favorite line was "The battle wont end when her soul has moved on." Great work here.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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139
139
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi AlexHastings !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and this poem looked interesting from the title.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is reflective. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was assonance with "best friend", "artistic", "dreams and colour themes", and more. I found alliteration with "her hair".

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Head, colour, hair, smile, tongue, nails, black, eyes and white are all images I found in this poem.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were broken with punctuation. The meter flowed extremely well. The line "My best friend is artistic" repeated often.

ERRORS:

certianly --> certainly

SUGGESTIONS:

Fix the error above, and I'd cut back on the repetition of the line "My best friend is artistic" as it became a bit trite around the third time, and definitely by the fourth.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Her smile is crooked,
And her tongue is sharp as nails."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I liked this ode to a friend as it gave a lot of insight into the friend's character. It was well written with good structure, smooth meter, good punctuation, excellent diction, and great content. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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140
140
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi Beth Nation !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look, and there I found this poem, so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is purposeful. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

Assonance was used in "go./So", "be revisited", "memories remain", and more.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Wings, shoulder, ashes, girl, back, chin, smile, woman, Eve and apples are all great images here.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Abrupt enjambment was employed to break the lines, a little too abrupt at times, but the meter flowed for the most part. I didn't find much repetition of anything; if there was any, it wasn't that obvious.

ERRORS:

cowed in shame --> cowered in shame

SUGGESTIONS:

Smoother line breaks in the first quarter of the poem.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"I have places to go

and apples to pick..."

Awesome!

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was an outstanding reflection of one's own life. I loved the favorite lines above, but also the "ashes of burnt offerings" was a stunning visual. The piece is riddled with metaphors that I don't know where to begin, and I think (and hope) I've grasped the meaning out of them. Very well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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141
141
Review of Shells  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi T. P. Schultz !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look, and this poem had no real description so I had to just take a chance to see what it was about based on the title of "Shells". Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is one of mystery. The diction is excellent.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I found alliteration with "her hair", "her halls", "sun sets", and more. There was a loose rhyming scheme, but not one that I could describe in detail.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Porcelain gifts (shells), blue waves, hair, blue mountains, sun, girl, dew, grass, rain, palace, pearls, halls, stairwells, horizon, sandals, and bed are images found here. I'm impressed at how many there are and how varied they are. Bravo.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment was used much throughout the piece, but at other times punctuation was used to break the lines. The meter was smooth. Some lines from the beginning were repeated at the end, which was a nice touch.

ERRORS:

A sent of rain --> A scent of rain
She s --> She's
blue mountains shifts --> mountains shift
She ll --> She'll

SUGGESTIONS:

Fix the errors above, and maybe say "until" instead of "till".

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"The golden sun lights up the atmosphere
So beautiful, all must come near
To see the wonders of the blue mountains that shift."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a wonderful and beautiful poem that described so much of nature and the girl with shells in her hair. There were only a couple of punctuation mistakes, easy to fix, and overall it was an easy read, easy to understand but still metaphoric in nature. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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142
142
Review of True Loves  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look. This story looked interesting so I thought I'd give it a review.

Plot:

Sally and Tommie are discussing their relationship and whether to tell their parents about it, and when.

*Woman**Man*Characters:

Sally and Tommie, who are 14 and 16, but I'm not sure which one is which.

Setting:

The setting is unclear.

Narration: Voice, Tone, Exposition, Metaphors/Similes, Basic Storytelling and Diction:

Narration N/A, although diction of the dialogue is good.

*Thought*Dialogue:

The dialogue was repetitive in that "yes" and "love" occurred very often all throughout. On the other hand, it gave me a lot of insight into the characters' personalities and the nature of their relationship, and how innocent it is; they think that they can't even place a name on the type of love their love is, when in all reality love is just love, nameless by definition, and they're not mature enough to realize that.

Beginning and Ending:

The beginning started off clearly, with the third line defining what the story would be about. The third to last line wrapped it up nicely with a conclusion.

Errors:

None found.

Suggestions:

I'd replace the "yes" throughout the story with "yeah" given the age of the characters.

*Heart*Favorite Lines:

“Yes! Love is a funny thing, huh?”
“Yes. It’s the world’s most intense mystery."

Summary:

This was a great story about a very young couple who is each other's first love, I'm assuming. It's very difficult to write all-dialogue stories so I tip my hat to you for doing a commendable job. You've conveyed the characters' innocence well through their lines, and I was still able to learn a lot about them with no narration. Very nice work!

Thanks for sharing your talent, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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143
143
Review of The eyes have it  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi astrother !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look. This looked interesting so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is third person, and the tone is subdued. The diction is excellent.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There's a rhyming scheme of ABCB, etc. I found loose alliteration with "brown upon blue", "sadness and sorrow" and "will wonder". There was consonance with "messages sent", and assonance with "lies behind".

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Brown eyes and blue eyes.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment was used to break the lines, but they were clean breaks. The meter was near perfect all throughout. Blue, brown and eyes were repeated a few times but not too much.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I would've liked to see more imagery given the length of the poem.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"What lies behind
blue ones will stay
secret from brown ones
locked away."

and

"As years go by
brown ones will wonder
what blue ones were hiding
when eyes met each other."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a very powerful story told in poetic form. I loved the analysis of the mother-daughter relationship, and the central theme of the eyes. Very well done!

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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144
144
Review of Wonder  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Searose !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look. This looked interesting so here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is inquisitive. The diction is standard.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was some alliteration with "wonder where", "loving life", "when we", and more. There was consonance with "working or taking" and "music you like", and more.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Coffee, cream, sugar, brown eyes, football, Christmas lights, bikes, hot chocolate and movies are all images found here.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were very clean, using punctuation appropriately. The meter was definitely varied throughout the lines, but it still had a certain flow to it that went smoothly. "I wonder" was repeated a few times, but not to the point where it was overdone.

ERRORS:

with cream, sugar or not? --> with cream and sugar? (It's either/or, the "or not" is unnecessary)

SUGGESTIONS:

Just fix the error above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"I wonder if you wonder about me."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a well-written piece from the point of view of a young woman. It really says a lot about her personality by the questions she has to ask of him, so I learned a lot about her in reading this, which was great. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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145
145
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hi Jeanette !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look. This poem looked interesting so here I am. *BigSmile*

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is one of bitter sorrow. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was consonance with "look back," "forgetfulness" and "moment." Loose alliteration with "feeling long forgotten".

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Wine, hell and heart. Good images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were good, using enjambment, but the meter was a bit awkward at times, with some lines being too long and others too short. A couple stanzas were repeated, and I'm not sure how effective that was given their placement in the poem.

ERRORS:

In the second to last stanza, "O the wine of forgetfullness," it should read "forgetfulness".

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd change "from which it came" to "from whence it came" since the language sounds a little more old-fashioned with the "O" in most sentences, and just the overall structure of the sentences and diction of them. I'd say "depths of hell" instead of "depth". I'd also add some more imagery since it wasn't that short of a piece.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Let this hatred return to the depth of hell
from which it came"

and

"Let my heart fill with peace
a feeling long forgotten"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I loved the metaphor of drinking the wine of forgetfulness; that was a lovely image, and I oftentimes share in the narrator's sentiment. I liked the pattern of the beginnings of the sentences, O, O, Let, Let, O, O, Let, Let, O, O. The emotion in the poem was very gripping, and I'm dying to know what happened on that day that the narrator is so eager to forget! There was no clue left as to what happened, but maybe that was the point, and I can appreciate that. It was a fine poem, very nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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146
146
Review of Lament  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hi Cass--Spring Spirit !

I found your portfolio on the Account Birthdays page, and this poem looked interesting. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person and the tone is one of a deep hurt. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There was alliteration with "white-hot hope shone high", "mock me", and "seems to say". There was an internal rhyme with "bright light".

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

A bright light, eye, lips, eyes, crystal shards and a photograph are all great images, and all very different from one another.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks used enjambment at times and at others they didn't. The meter didn't follow a traditional pattern but it was still smooth and flowed naturally. I only found repetition of "eye" and "me", and they didn't stick out too much so well done.

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I have none; I quite liked it the way it is.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Your eyes mock me now, like crystal shards;
your photograph stares at me cruelly."

and

"My soul curls up in a ball, consumed by emptiness."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a fantastic piece that starts out on a light note but turns into something very somber and melancholic at the end, and I really felt the narrator's pain penetrating through the words of the poem. Punctuation was used appropriately, the word choice was excellent, and the overall structure was good. A wonderful job indeed.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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147
147
Review of Spring 2013  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Koba !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is one of pain and loss. The diction is magnificent.

SOUND PATTERNS:

There is alliteration with "first flush," "singing softly," "salty skin," and more.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Honeysuckle, jasmine, a door, the dawn, a red glow, lips, salty skin and more are all great images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

Enjambment was used to break the lines, and there was no specific meter followed. There was a lot of repetition of "I remember" but I think it had a powerful effect on the piece.

ERRORS:

full flowing rivers --> full-flowing rivers

SUGGESTIONS:

Some lines need commas after them.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"That eyes and hands that once held yours
now hold only ghosts,"

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

I feel like this poem was written specifically for me, because I can relate to each line and each word. It touched me so deeply and I was simply amazed by the beauty of it, the depth of the words and the diction employed to convey the thoughts of the narrator of the poem. This was fantastic work, do keep it up.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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148
148
Review of A friend true....  
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi pixie92 !

I found your poem on the Noticing Newbies page and thought I'd take a look. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is calm. The diction is good.

SOUND PATTERNS:

The end rhyming pattern was good. There was some alliteration with "hope and happiness," "precious chances prime," "free from," and more.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

A dark cloud, gloomy night, shining sun, eyes, a smile and people. All nice images.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were good but the meter was off at times as some lines had too few metrical feet whereas others had too many.

ERRORS:

Till i wasn't --> Till I wasn't

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd suggest not using the ... at the end of each line as it becomes trite after a while. Commas and periods would be more useful. Polish up the meter and fix the one error above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"Behind every dark cloud, there is a silver lining...
After every dark gloomy night, there is the jovial sun shining...."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a nice ode to one's friends, and a promise to continue to be a good friend to them. I liked the lines about "I want to smile and spread that smile...." and "But now, I hope to live again..." as it sounds very optimistic. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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149
149
Review of Today  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hi M. J. Bourne !

I found your portfolio on the Member Account Birthdays page and thought I'd take a look at this poem. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person as it tells a story, a good choice, and the tone is reminiscent. The diction is good.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I found assonance in "asked me, casually," and there was some alliteration with "sideways smile" and "small space". Nice on the ears.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Hairs, temple, eyebrows, and hairline.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were good as they were separated by punctuation. The meter flowed well. There was a lot of repetition of the phrase "nine years, seven months and twenty days".

ERRORS:

None found.

SUGGESTIONS:

I'd suggest adding some more imagery, and cutting back on the usage of that one line above.

*Heart*FAVORITE LINES:

"there are still new moments to discover,
fresh beliefs to share."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

This was a nice story told in poetic form of love between two people and a couple becoming engaged. Nice work.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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150
150
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi Krista Stovall !

I found your portfolio on the Member Account Birthdays page and this poem sounded interesting to me. Here are my thoughts.

VOICE, TONE, DICTION:

The voice is first person, and the tone is calm, eerily calm. The diction is great.

SOUND PATTERNS:

I found some alliteration with "God gave," "spell certain," "warmth while," and more. The AABB rhyming pattern worked well and the actual rhymes themselves sounded authentic.

*RainbowL*IMAGERY:

Earth, sun, moon and gold.

LINE STRUCTURE: LINE BREAKS, METER, REPETITION:

The line breaks were pristine and the meter was smooth.

ERRORS:

and it's rays --> and its rays
Defeated and weary I coveting it not (I coveting?)

SUGGESTIONS:

I would've liked to see some more imagery since you started out so well in the first line. Also, you weren't lying in your description of the poem when you said that it was cryptic, because I found it to be entirely too cryptic to extract meaning out of it. I'd suggest adding some lines that are not metaphorical in nature or cryptic to even out the content of this piece.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

The language was good, but was employed in a way that it was hard to grasp the full meaning of the poem. I'd rework it a little more.

Thanks for sharing your talent with us, and keep writing! *Reading**Writing*

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