|A review given through: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. Are you the same Marci I threw jelly beans at in a recent class? This review is part of your shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . It is my pleasure to review for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Black Widow" I offer you the following comments.
This is a totally delightful poem, be it ever so grim. I love the vivid imagery. Here are my favorites:
• My bite like a blade
• The hourglass shape on my back
• Through this creepy black night.
I love your spot-on rhyme scheme. I’m a rhyme and rhythm guy!
I love that you went to the trouble to punctuate the poem. Not every poet does that. It adds a lot.
And I love the dramatic progression from start to finish. This poem seizes the reader and holds him. And, by the way, it offers a very important message. I love your picture of the Black Widow. I’ve seen a few of those.
I offer you a couple tiny suggestions.
“My bite like a blade will cut through your skin.”
The phrase, “like a blade” is non-essential (grammatically) and should be set off with commas. I would write it like this:
“My bite, like a blade, will cut through your skin.” What do you think?
Also, your poem offers you the chance to learn a simple but important rule of grammar. You are a fine writer, and you will enjoy knowing this. A comma goes between two independent clauses that are separated by a coordinating conjunction—like “and.” This scenario appears in lines one, two, nine, and fourteen.
For example, you wrote:
“A spider am I and I cause much pain.” The comma would go after “I.” See?
Marci, I’m not trying to smart off at you; I’m not the great comma expert! Your poem is very impressive just the way you wrote it. My suggestions might simply sharpen it up a bit.
Thank you for sharing this strong piece! You’ve done a great job! My hat’s off to you.