This simply blows me away! First, I am so impressed by your creating a poetic form. And it is a marvelous form. I will certainly be attempting a patina. You know me; I largely live for alliteration!
Your poem is deeply moving. It is powerful and emotional. It is very insightful into your spirit. It is, hopefully, a picture of the best in all of us. When something so painful as to be called Murderer of my spirit encounters undaunting hope, I can see the deep and abiding human spirit at work.
Your first six words absolutely pound my emotions like they must pound your spirit. This is powerful writing, Pat. When poetry springs from a writer’s soul, it is usually powerful. Thanks for sharing this with me.
This TOTALLY warms my heart! It is tender, emotional, and very moving. Methinks you should not cease your lyrics (career) with this initial effort. Anyone who has held a new grandchild will love this piece. It comes from deep in your heart—that is perfectly clear.
Speaking of perfect, let me mention just two things. (I’m sure you weighed both of them already.) The poem needs no improvement, but you know me; I’m a freak for rhyme and rhythm. Your rhyme is spot on! Me? I’d make two tiny changes in the meter:
You wrote, “Your birth was a gift from Heaven above.” I’d consider removing was. The line would still be perfectly clear. Or I’d say, “Your birth’s a gift…”
You wrote, “and pray God's sweet blessings come from above.” My first choice would be to use the em-dash after the line above and drop the and, like this:
“I'll hold you close and kiss you with love—
pray God's sweet blessings come from above."
Or else I’d drop the word sweet. And I’m not sure you’d want to drop it.
But that’s just me! Like I said, your piece is altogether lovely just the way you penned it.
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Hello Elizabeth,
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. You and I know each other through Ms. Pat’s Punctuation Station. This review is part of your shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "To Thee I Pray" I offer you the following comments.
This is an intense poem! I chose it because it hasn’t been reviewed yet. I’m glad I chose it. You have the ability to illicit strong emotion with your words. This is one mark of a good poet. There is a note of hopelessness here. There is a lot of pain here. Yet you express a morsel of hope in your words, “I continue to pray day after day.” To me, you express the heavy weight of life being carried by a very strong and durable person.
There are a couple of tiny suggestions I have.
You wrote, “and feel trapped in a lion's den.” I prefer “I feel trapped in a lion’s den.” Both lines here can stand on their own. But that’s just me!
Secondly, I prefer punctuation. It would be simple and easy. I believe it would strengthen the poem. But, again, that’s a preference individual to each poet.
Thank you for sharing your work! Great job! My hat’s off to you.
This is an excellent piece of your life, well written and very moving. I’m Bob, an assistant in Punctuation Inc. I so look forward to getting to know you better. I’m a retired Baptist minister; or shall we say a “recovering” Baptist minister! I have a wonderful friend here in WDC who is a pagan, deeply involved in Wicca magic and witchcraft. She may be far closer to the truth than conservative Christianity. I look forward to the day when you can be more free to pursue your own spiritual journey. Meanwhile, see you in class!
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Hello Amay,
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Tired" I offer you the following comments.
This little poem is a total delight! My experience is that one can convey a message through many words; that’s pretty easy. Or one can convey a message through few words; that’s often much more difficult. I love it that you paint a picture that takes me back to last December and the Decembers of my past. It places me right in the middle of the mall, with all the beautiful sights, sounds, and smells of Christmas.
You absolutely nailed the form. If a poet attempts a specific form, I like for them to succeed, as you have done here. Of course, your first word, ti-yerd would never do the job in the deep South where they say tarred!
If you chose to punctuate the piece, it would look like this:
Tired,
cold, exhausted Christmas shoppers
battle their way through crowds—
frantic—searching
for gifts.
It’s a toss-up; it’s based on the poet’s preference. I like your choice of no punctuation, but it’s a close fifty-fifty in my thinking. Your choice of color and font also add to the beauty of the piece.
Thank you for sharing your work! Great job! My hat’s off to you.
You also stir the sea of MY imagination! This poem takes first place, or we seriously question the mentality of our esteemed host and judge. I can absolutely see it, smell it, and touch it gently to avoid burning my finger until it is ready to tickle my taste buds.
Do you know what? It is easier to paint a great poem with many words; it is more difficult to do it with few words. My hat's off to you, my friend.
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Hello Aralls,
This is your old friend, Candlemaker. What a special delight to find you here in the garden of "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" ! This review is part of your shower from us. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Walking on Eggshells" I offer you the following comments.
I was sobbing by the time I got to the last stanza! You are a master of stirring emotions with your words. This piece has so many things I love; I don’t know where to begin. I love that you have written in word pictures. It’s like I’m in the room, observing from a corner. Also, your style is easy to follow. It’s almost as if you’re speaking. You carry me from line to line all the way through the narrative. Many poets cannot do that. You have continual contrasts throughout. This is interesting and snappy to the reader.
One of the most significant things to me is the way you present your characters. What a four-year-old he is! It’s not just his imagination—and that’s nearly unbelievable—it’s also his wise insights. He is a totally endearing little boy. You leave the mother largely up to the interests, needs and imagination of the reader. The ability to do this is another trait of the skilled writer. It lets the reader participate in the piece.
Here are some of my very favorite lines:
“She breathes in his sweet scent, saying not a word.”
“A tear escapes…Tiny lips kiss it away.”
“comfort that holding a child brings.”
“…meeting lost eyes, speaking to her heart.”
And finally, this little guy, whether he actually knew the deeper meaning of his words, suggested the bottom line solution: “But, Mommy, walking on eggshells is not for you and me.” This is masterful, Aralls!
Thank you for sharing your work! Great job! My hat’s off to you.
As you know, I’m a fool for the sonnet—ANY sonnet! This one is amazing with its tight syllable count and its totally amazing rhyme scheme. You have not only nailed the form; you have written a piece that stirs my heart. Your last two lines absolutely capture my life’s motif:
“While others bustle about to prove their worth,
I’ll just sit here and enjoy this peace on earth..
Kudos to you, Myra. This is wonderful. It is wonderful in form, and it is wonderful in message. There is richness in your soul. I can see that. Thank you for sharing it here.
Wow! This is only the first item I’ve read in your port, Myra. It keeps the promise made in your port paragraph. I can read it once and grasp the meaning. Being able to write this way is quite a rare gift, I believe. You stir my emotions. Isn’t it amazing how much of life must be done alone? I’m not much of a prose writer. I’m a poet at heart, so I always take joy in a good poem. This is a good poem!
I’m SO glad to see this poem end the way it does. If it is actually part of your story, then it is commendable that you could see him in a good perspective. I love your words,
“All that was has faded now
In the gentle hands of time.”
You have a real gift of poetic expression. Thank you for a very enjoyable read.
This is very good! The ending gives your poem a bit of a twist with the internal rhyme:
“Words will surely be my making
or my breaking in the end”
I find that to be delightful! Your lines carry me through the entire piece with ease and anticipation. Not every poet can do that. It’s a deeply significant subject, and you have handled it well.
From your poem, I can tell that you are a romantic. I love romantics! This poem has the feel of youthful, gentle attraction. I can see it in this line:
“He steals you away with a look.”
You are gifted in writing lines that create emotion. I love your opening line:
“The deep soft tone in which he speaks” this line sets the stage for romantic drama.
Would you like to make a tiny correction? You wrote:
“Forever your undone.” It looks to me like you meant, you’re. What do you think?
Please pardon my missing your name in my response to your review of Tapestry. I’m a bit visually impaired.
WOW, this is beautiful! You write with a flowing style that leads me easily from line to line. Not every poet can do that. You have an intense romantic instinct; your story is so very appealing to a fellow romantics. I especially love the following lines:
“…my eyes gazed into you.”
and
“A reflection of fate smiled back at me.”
You have written such a deeply moving poem here! Your words took me on a steady march from innocence to painful reality. I think the strong support from family and friends have made this young woman fit for the storms of life. I especially like the lines:
“She clings to words of comfort
She clings to any hint of joy
She clings to childhood peace
She clings to what has passed”
I think her salvation abides in this clinging to what she knows in her heart.
This is beautiful beyond words! It went straight to my heart. I like the simplicity of your lines. They carried me with an easy flow all the way through the piece. Not every poet succeeds in doing that. My favorite lines are these:
Till the sun wont shine,
and the trees stop growing.
Till the water stops flowing,
and the moon stops glowing.
There is a definite strength of passion and of will expressed here. The object of the writer’s love is fortunate indeed.
This is such a splendid tribute to your grandmother! And of course, she will always live on. I wish I had a piece of poetry I wrote when I was nine. I wish I had WRITTEN a poem when I was nine! I have an over dramatic poem I wrote when I was a junior in high school. The title was “Until the Night Is O’er.” It was about my intense passion for the (then) love of my life: a fiery red-head.
Teresa, I have so missed you in the forum. I look forward to the beginning of class tomorrow and the fellowship it will provide us.
This early poem, written when you were nine, gives a tiny peek at what a wonderful soul you are.
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Hello Pepper,
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "The Coming Storm" I offer you the following comments.
I LOVE your poem! It is a masterpiece of the sinister. The heaviness of evil pervades your lines. I felt like you depicted something to dread. You didn’t come right out and say that the serpent represents Satan; your approach is more subtle. But the idea comes across. Your language is powerful. You have two lines I wish I had written:
“The serpent slithers through the shadows”
and
“rushing and tumbling in a tumultuous struggle.”
Here’s a small suggestion:
You wrote:
“Their soft pink petals
basking in the orange glow of the moonlight --
mocking him as they glorify God.”
This is not a sentence. I know it doesn’t have to be, but I think it would strengthen your piece. All it would take would be to change basking to bask. Just a thought.
At first glance I resisted these lines:
“Cold and envious, his anger seethes,
until his soul begins a slow burn –“
I thought cold didn’t work with slow burn. But, as I look at it again, I think the contrast is genius. Pepper, you’re a poet to be reckoned with. My hat’s off to you.
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Hello Talera,
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. This review is part of your shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Garden" . It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Love of Distance" I offer you the following comments.
I simply love this poem. You are quite the romantic! You express yourself very well. Your lines take me smoothly and gently from beginning to end. Not every poet can do that. Your lines are rich in word pictures. I especially love these:
“the oceans of distance”
“beads of water on your skin”
and
“The wind caresses my face.”
Late in the poem, you have two lines that form a very natural and strong contrast leading up to your conclusion:
“Distance may keep us apart
But the elements keep us together”
I have only a couple of suggestions, both of them entirely optional. You wrote, “That moon and those stars are with you not long after” Somehow, that phrase doesn’t quite do it for me. I’d suggest “…will soon be with you too.” But that’s just me!
Secondly, Telara, I would give some thought to punctuating your poetry. It takes a bit of time and thought, but I think it adds a LOT. (This opinion varies from poet to poet.)
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After reading your fine piece, "Gentle Warrior" I offer you the following comments.
Pat! I am moved beyond words by this poem. I wouldn’t even think about suggesting any change at all. The flow is simply gratifying. It takes me from line to line with grace and ease. This is not a simple matter on your part. What appears to be done with such ease takes a lot of effort and time by the writer. You have a definite home run here. And I love the 8-6 meter. It is very effective for a poem of emotion.
Of course, I love your spot-on rhyme scheme. This is not as easy as it looks either. A lot of poets settle for a word that is close to a rhyme but not perfect. You have chosen the higher road here. I salute you for that.
But all of the above is simply mechanics. The true beauty of this poem is its depth and the truth behind it. No mother could fail to be moved. How appropriate for me to read it on Mother’s Day.
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Hello Pat,
Hi Pat,
What a delight for me to get a double header. First, a poet whom I already love. Then, a poem I totally love that is open for some input. This review shall be one of your SAJ five. After reading your fine piece, "Edge " I offer you the following comments.
Pat, first let me say that you have written a deeply significant piece. Don’t let it sit around and get stale in the back recesses of your mind. It deserves a front seat in your work. Here are just a couple of thoughts off the top of my head:
I’d go with “Standing at the edge between Hope and Despair.” Kneeling indicates having fallen to your knees from the battle, or else invoking the help of the almighty. I don’t think either concept is proper at the beginning of the piece. Let the story unfold as it does.
You wrote, “Her Adversary cast an shadow.” By the use of “an,” you were clearly considering an adjective before “shadow.” I’d go with “ominous,” unless it is too obvious for the line.
“One final blow and her battle” *put to rest?* *ended?* *lost?* *over at last?*
Pat, I do NOT have enough of your frame of reference to assume the role of messing with your ending. Yet, your ending seems to me to leave the story unfinished. What is going to happen to this warrior . If I were writing this poem, I’d have to give it a final line, maybe like this:
“a dying warrior pleading for rest—
a warrior whose battle was not over.”
Well, heck. When I read that, it seems to somehow simplify and weaken the poem. Oh well, none of these suggestions may hit the nail on the head for you. Mainly, I just want to tell you how much I like the piece. The imagery and the emotion are quite superior!
This is beautiful! It has just the right touch of mystery and dreaminess. I love the lines,
“Thru the mist she walks
almost as if above the ground
she glides across my dreams”
I like your unassuming rhyme scheme, and the beauty of your language.
Check on your word, “cant.” It should be “can’t”.
And I’m pretty sure you meant to write “meet” instead of “met” in next to the last to line.
I am in a punctuation class with Becca. That’s how I found your port. I’m glad I found it.
This review is given through Showering Acts of Joy
Hi , HuntersMoon,
I found your poem through the Showering Acts of Joy forum. Please note that my suggestions are merely suggestions. Your poem is an expression of you, and it is beautiful. It is my pleasure to review your fine piece, "Legacy" today.
I haven’t seen you around for a while! What a pleasure to connect again. What an incredibly beautiful piece! I confess to a tiny tear when I read it. This has not happened to me, but to one of my sons. The sadness is so vacant. (Happily, he went on to a good place again.) Every moment of this poem is an emotional moment for me. My very favorite lines are:
“We are like statues in the park, without heart
to feel or warmth to share, asking of the sky
questions that we are afraid to have answered.”
Your punctuation is spot-on! I would have done one thing differently:
I can’t see a reason for the semicolon after “apart” in the second line. The sentence stands alone, as does the next sentence. But that’s just me!
Thanks for sharing your excellent piece. Thanks for a very enjoyable read.
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Hi A.T.B.,
My name is Bob, known here as the Candlemaker. I found your poem through the “Showering Acts of Joy” group. It is my pleasure to review this item for you today. Bear in mind, these comments are MY thoughts. Your piece is an expression of yourself. It is a part of you. After reading your fine piece, "Distance" , I offer you the following comments.
This is beautiful…very beautiful and very moving. It stirs a deep emotion in me. The writer seems to be torn between a passionate love and the “forbidden” nature of his beloved. My guess is she is “too young” for him or perhaps too attached to his family. At any rate, the writer is struggling to do the right thing, even though his heart is breaking for the object of his love. Your writing style is also a great pleasure to me. I’m a rhyme and rhythm man. Your words flow off the page with grace and beauty.
Let me just “play with” your poem for a moment. A few tiny changes would give you a perfect 7-7-7-10 form. This is not necessary of course! The message may be one that you don’t want to change in any way. Still, I’ll throw these suggestions out. For me, I would have this insane urge to make the rhythm perfect. ..
(Yet) Beckoned by the Graces, be
Green eyes, (as) bright as beacons, I
For now I feel I've fallen for a friend.
Although these words (shall) linger on my lips. (Instead of “forever”)
I love you more than (one) could anything. (Instead of “anyone”)
Thank you for sharing your work! Great job!
And thanks for a very enjoyable read.
Bob
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