|Found on my travels through Read & Review.
Ah, a kaleidoscope of words, a veritable waterfall of verbiage plunging over the cliff of my experience to douse me in their colours and tastes and smells. On the one hand, it's a delightful shower of sensations, meaningless in the profusion of meanings, a demonstration of the fact that the more is piled on, the deeper is any logic buried. On the other, it's not something that will stand as a communication of reason, feeling or just emptiness. Mixing metaphors in such a manner may be fun and it may own a sound that tickles the ear but, in the end, they just hide what you're trying to say.
There are some good metaphors here, word combinations that stand out as beautiful and meaningful. Unfortunately, their vague and inappropriate neighbours shout so loudly that value is lost and it becomes an amorphous soup. You have the beginnings of a story here - boy enters restaurant, sees girl, they get to talking and leave together. The rest adds nothing except confusion.
This is my advice, which you can take or not (obviously): rein in your talent for creating word streams, acquire the discipline to pick out the relevant from the pretty but meaningless and focus clearly on what you are trying to say. Anything that doesn't help towards that goal has to go. But never lose the ability to produce such wonderful streams of colour and sound. Just learn to control it and to apply it with more economy and accuracy.
You could be great.