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Review Requests: ON
1,119 Public Reviews Given
1,120 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Strangely enough, I recently had occasion to do a bit of research into the word "marshmallow" and so I can tell that you've done your research too. Well done - it's a clever way to avoid the difficulty of including the other kind of marshmallow in a dystopian tale. In fact, the whole story is an intelligent take on the challenge.

As regards the writing, you have one potential weakness showing up. I have the same predilection so I notice it in others. You tend to include too much information for one sentence to hold. Don't get me wrong - I have nothing against long sentences. It's just that, when two sentences would do the job better than one long one, it's best to go for two. I know how it is - you're writing away and then you remember that the reader needs to know a certain fact. So you add it into the current sentence. And then another and, perhaps, another. But the really great thing about this flaw is that it's so easy to fix. It's never difficult to chop a sentence into two and sometimes it even makes the writing flow a bit better.

Good story, well told. Keep writing.


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Review of Full Moon  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's a competent piece of writing but I'm not sure it's a story. As descriptive of the process of transformation from human into werewolf, the piece is effective. But the story is just beginning when it ends. What happens that night? Is that not when all the exciting and supernatural things begin?

But don't let me discourage you. It's clear that you can write and description is an important part of that. And, just because the "rules" say story must have a conflict, crisis and resolution doesn't mean that you have to take that route. There are other ways to engage readers and this piece demonstrates one of them. All that's required is to define the piece a little more accurately. This one could be a vignette, for instance.

Write on!


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Review of Mars in my Veins  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, that's straightforward and to the point! I think we can assume that you're quite fond of Mars. Personally, I don't really fancy it (memories of watching Total Recall) but I did feel strongly enough about Pluto's demotion from the status of planet to write a poem about it. So I kinda know how you feel.

But is it a story? Not too sure that it is, to be honest. Oh, it's an effective piece of writing in that it gets across your feelings, but story it really isn't. Because the writing is so good, I'm going to assume that the Cramp prompt was constrictive enough to force you into this explosion of emotion. Maybe the brief was to write a letter, in which case you have fulfilled the requirement admirably.

Nice piece. Keep writing.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I admit that when I first looked at this, I wondered how I was going to say anything about something so short. Now, having read it, I have masses (but I may not mention everything - I have a lot of reviews to get through!).

You describe the piece as Nonsense but I disagree. It makes a very serious and telling point. And smacks the reader in the face with it. To be honest, I think it's the most powerful piece of writing that I've come across in a while. Is it a story? Most definitely yes, and a whole lot of other things too. The contrast of humanity's efforts toward space exploration and the narrator's simple and open explanation of the problems she faces in her life is quite shocking. It's a valid point, after all - we spend billions on going to planets that are unlikely to ever be of any use to us while at home people starve.

Is there a more serious point to be made? I doubt it. And to make it in so few words is evidence of extreme talent.

No, I don't have any criticisms to make. This is powerful stuff.


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Review of Miscommunication  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ah, you made me smile. Which is a strange reaction to have from a story about divorce but hey, you wrote it! And I can't object to anything that makes me smile.

It's a great story; brief, but that's a plus in these days of constant rush; simple, but the impact of the final sentence is all the greater for that. To top it all, it illustrates the very heart of the couple's relationship problem. They have stopped listening and don't hear when the other is saying exactly what they want to hear.

My problem is that, since the story is just about flawless, it leaves me with very little to say beyond, "I like it." Well written, no nonsense and hard-hitting. I loved it.


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Review of My Paranoia  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of Depression for Bill Kamen


Initial Impression:

A poem that appears to describe feelings of separation from society and restriction of movement beyond the safety of home. The cause of these feelings is not clear, but there is a note of hope and determination to overcome these feelings in the final two stanzas.

Title:

I am much in favour of one-word titles but this one seems a little too curtailed, perhaps because it does nothing to clarify the content of the poem. There are elements of depression in the descriptions within the poem but perhaps more of paranoia. The poem would benefit from a more exact title, even if that means going beyond one word.

Content:

The poem is difficult to understand. Much of this is because some of the words used do not mean what I think the poet means. For instance, "I befall into the shadows" - befall means to happen, whereas I think you mean to "fall back." Other examples are "emanates," meaning to issue or spread out from. Does not seem to fit the context as I don't think the outside emanates from anything - it may send out emanations but it is not sent out by something else.

"my mind demeans" - means your mind causes a severe loss in the dignity of and respect for something. But what? I'm unsure what you meant here.

"Thoughts become audible words, transcending reverberating sounds" - In what way do they transcend (go beyond the bounds of) sounds? This one is hard to imagine. But this stanza adds that the thoughts echo questions from your innards. Reverberating means echoing so you're actually repeating your earlier statement. Repetition is distracting in any form of writing so, unless you're doing it to produce a chantlike effect or you want to hammer something home, don't do it. Poetry especially requires that we pack a lot of meaning into few words, so repeating things, even in different words, is to be avoided if at all possible.

I have my doubts about the word "innards" too. To my mind it raises the image of entrails rather than one's innermost being (which is what I think you mean). It's a great word if you wanted to write a poem about butchery, but not in this context, I think.

The final line of this fourth stanza raises a question in my mind. In what way does an echo (yet another repeat) chamber burst forth? I think you might have meant "bursting forth from an echo chamber."

There are good things about the poem, however. It's clear that you're trying to communicate deep feelings that are very hard to describe accurately so that they can be understood. And this is the essence of poetry - the communication of our thoughts and feelings. You need to play with words a bit more if you're going to hit upon exactly the right one, that's all. Never choose a word because it looks long and impressive. The right word is out there somewhere and, as the old commercial says, accept no substitutes until you have the perfect one that says what you mean. I still use online resources to check on the meaning of a word I want to use or to find a better one. It's so easy now that we have computers.

So you're getting across the main idea of feeling compressed and restricted by what is happening around you. That's good. But inexact word choice is undermining this. And it would help the reader if you were to give some indication of the cause of your feeling this way. Much of the enjoyment of poetry comes when the reader can say, "Yes, I know what you mean. The same thing happened to me and you've said it exactly."

Then there's the breath of hope in the final two stanzas. At first, the self-questioning in the penultimate stanza sets the stage for the turn around to face the light in the last stanza. It's a welcome relief after the dark brooding of the poem until then. New thoughts on a new day - light at the end of the tunnel!

Style:

You wrap your thoughts in little packages of just a few words and throw them at the reader. It's not a bad technique and certainly concentrates the reader's mind. Just make those thoughts a little clearer with greater accuracy of word choice and you'll be flying.

Flow/Pace:

Pretty good, you get down to business, don't wallow in too much introspection and get where you're going without fuss. Very neat and readable.

Suggestions:

I think I've already made a few. Don't be discouraged - you'd be surprised how quickly improvement happens when you keep writing.

Favourite line or part:

"with new thoughts with each new day." Carries just the right amount of hope for the ending.

Overall Impression:

The poem needs a fair bit of work but that's normal for poetry. It's much harder than many people think. But, when you get it right, it repays over and over!



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Review of Bent  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this a lot. It's the kind of thing I just can't do (I don't think like that) and so I admire the hell out of it. First of all it's the tone, that wonderful, tired, jaded, seen-it-all voice that speaks to us through a wealth of disillusioned experience about things we can only scratch at the edge of understanding. Then it's the imagination that can conjure up these scenes of futuristic violence done by weird creations that, when it comes down to it, require only a word or two to make understandable and, therefore, completely believable ("Magnetic field projector nanos" - that's exactly what I was about to say!). And it's the tongue planted firmly in the cheek, the playing with the reader as the strange new world is revealed and unfolded.

How I wish that I could do this. But I can't so I'm stuck in my out-of-date, grammatical, flowery universe playing with my toys from an era long gone. I can, however, applaud your skills and cheer for more, always more! Wonderful stuff.


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Review of Blind Faith  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I must admit that my first impression of this piece was not good. The font chosen is so tiny that my old eyes struggle to read the darn thing. They can manage, okay, but it's hard work and it's a mistake to handicap your work in this way. Expand your readership in future by using a font large enough to be read easily.

Having got that gripe out of the way (I enlarged my computer's view to avoid the problem but I'm not always prepared to do that) my assessment of the story went upward only. It's a tightly written tale that flows easily and efficiently along, the reader entrapped by a need to see how things transpire. Your characters are wll drawn, the events entirely believable and Karen's story fascinating. You have a natural awareness of how much detail is needed at each stage. I thought at first that I was going to be assailed by unnecessary data (all that about tea and coffee options), but that soon fell away as the story unfolded. There was a good reason why we had to know about tea and coffee!

All in all, I have to congratulate you on a tale told well in a confident and easy style that is most attractive. These official WdC contests are not easy to win but, with this one, I think you're in with a very good chance.


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Review of Bo Dockett  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A truly excellent story, its power derives from the fact that its scenario is the kind of thing we all dread happening to us. The relief of the denouement is huge as a result. Which shows how effectively you have persuaded readers to identify with Bo (the initial revelations of his weaknesses and failings, the horrifying injustice of the IRS audit, Bo's inability to think of a way out of his problem) and to enlist their support for him.

The piece is very well written, too, with several arresting and illuminating turns of phrase, excellent unfolding of the tale, and measured pace and flow. In all of it, there was only one point that jarred slightly with me. That was Bo "screaming" his response to the news of a million dollars deposited in his bank account. It seemed out of character for the Bo we're getting to know, too expressive for a man of his quiet and secretive disposition. It might be what he felt like doing, but I think he would find a way to suppress the worst of his reaction while in the IRS office.

I must be losing my touch, finding only one word to quibble at in over a thousand. The truth is that you have written an almost flawless story that grabs the reader from the outset and holds him until you're ready to let him go. Brilliant!


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of To Kill a Mouse by Graywriter

Initial Impression:

The setting is established very quickly as vaguely medieval with a dash of magic. This is not a criticism as it is hard to imagine an alternative for the fantasy genre. Certain aspects make the story stand out from the norm, however. For example, one might expect the surviving lad to spend a few years growing up and training to exact his revenge on the killers of his family. It is refreshing, therefore, that he gets the chance and has the gumption to strike back at them immediately. The idea of a telepathic hawk is original, too.

Title:

I know the title echoes statements in the story but I can't shake the feeling that it's weak somehow. It reminds me of To Kill a Mockingbird, which would be okay if the story had some sort of parallel to the book. The fact that it doesn't may be why it feels a bit weak. Plus, that was quite a "mouse" that J'mie killed. I think the story deserves something more intriguing and indicative of the struggle against unfair odds. A Hoist Petard, for instance, contains enough to intrigue a potential reader, maybe.

Content:

It's a clever little story of swift vwengeance from an unlikely quarter. I especially like the way you allowed the plan to unfold gradually, thus keeping the final blow for the very end. Who doesn't like a story of the little guy winning by artful scheming against apparently unbeatable physical odds?

There is a couple of plot holes that may need attending to. There are seven horses and, presumably, seven breakers therefore. The first trap, using the slasher, takes out one breaker, judging by the scream. The sword trap takes out at least a horse. Then six horses plummet to their deaths and those of their riders. The last breaker is subsequently dealt with by J'mie himself. That makes six plus one breakers killed at the abyss. But what about the two taken out by the traps? I suppose there could have been nine of them but then we need two more horses. It's a mathematical problem that gave me pause.

Style:

You know how to tell a story, that's clear. Everything is described well enough to create a picture in the reader's mind and the action is clear and easy to follow. I'm not convinced about the names, however. You use the fact that it's a common device in fantasy these days but I wonder if we've seen too much of it. Certainly, it beats giving the characters unpronounceable (and therefore easily forgotten) names but I found it a little too cute for a story of this weight.

Flow/Pace:

No problems in this area. Everything flows along smoothly, speeding up when there's action and slowing when we need to take in information.

Suggestions:

Returning to the names, I was struck by the fact that the breakers seem to go along with the usage of apostrophes in their names. That's fine if the breakers are a form of outlaw band that comes from the same stock as the homesteaders but, as seems more likely to me, they are raiders from a different tribe or race and would speak a different language then. I notice that J'mie understands their speech but this might have been a part of his education. Is it worth giving us a little more background to the breakers? For you to decide.

Overall Impression:

Much depends on how deeply you are invested in the created world. If you intended it to be purely for this story, then I think it's fine as it is, with just the questions of numbers to be sorted out. But if (and I think this may be where you're heading) you have thoughts of expanding the story into other tales or even a book, you need to start establishing background in this story. An enjoyable piece whatever you decide.

Regarding your Questions:

I found the protagonist to be likeable with a very clear goal. The decision to give him a withered arm was definitely a good one. Increases the reader's sympathy for him, especially as it becomes clear that his motivation is revenge. Crowning his achievment with realisation that revenge is not sweet and that what matters is justice, adds to the reader's care for the lad.

The dialogue is believable and it is always clear who is speaking. I did get a little lost once with the hawk's conversation but that was easily remedied by a check on the italics.

Conflicts are clear and natural.

As for the outcome being obviously the result of J'mie's strengths and weaknesses, that is why I pointed at his cleverness in devising the scheme. Brain will always defeat brawn, they say.

And yes, it is an engaging read; it held me right to the end. And I can be quite picky about readability sometimes.



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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great rhythm in this one. I like it so much that I read it aloud - and then had an argument with myself over which fitted the flow better, "Who could want any more?" or "Who could want for more?" At first I thought the reduction of syllables by one was best but then changed my mind and decided on the original.

But enough of my troubles. It's a delightful, simple poem about the beauty of simple wishes and contentment. Add the unforced rhymes and the poem is a wonderful evocation of the finer things in life.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
An excellent poem about the campfire, evincing bright images of glowing embers and delicious treats cooked on the fire, each image highlighting some aspect of the spirit of camping so that the reader is drawn in to share the experience. We do not need to know who cousin James is - we supply the picture of a boy chasing bullfrogs. And this is how the poem builds the essence of campfire - by mention of vivid aspects of the camp our own experiences are brought into play and understanding created between poet and reader. Very nicely done.

I like, too, the personification of such a lowly thing as coals so that due homage is paid to their important part in the scene. A true vision of the faithfulness of the inanimate.


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Review of Stuck  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You are so right - being stuck is sometimes the best thing to be. I was wondering at first how long you could keep up the flow of similes. When I try that kind of thing, I always end up with fewer than I'd hoped for. But you managed it to mid-second stanza, an impressive list and all of them eloquent of stickiness.

I think this poem is a resounding paean of praise for something that the modern world is losing: the long-lasting relationship. It's not an easy thing to express, this feeling of being joined in common existence and loving it. You have succeeded in this, thereby enabling you to end on a great shout of determination to be together to the end.

The power of the poem comes from the down to earth recognition of the fact of your situation, the description of it in ordinary terms that yet will be understood by all. Who has not experienced those sticking things, after all? There's no romantic prettification of the matter, no wild promises of eternal devotion, just this simple statement of fact that gives reality and solidity to your subject. It's a clear view through an honest eye.

Even so, I have a quibble. It's a bit of a hobby horse of mine but why is the whole thing centred? To my mind, this merely makes it more difficult to read, the eye having to adjust to a different starting point with every line. And there is no compensation of some shape being revealed (although it's arguable about how relevant this is to a poem anyway), the length of the lines being so variable as to create a shape that wobbles about indecisively. I think you're far too good a poet to worry about how a poem looks from the other side of the room.

If I'm wrong in this, you're going to have to explain it to me. I've thought about this business of shaped poetry for a long time and it still just looks like a clever trick invented by Lewis Carroll. And a trick that was only clever the first time.

The good thing is, it gives me a suggestion I can make to satisfy Schnujo's review requirements! As if I would ever dare to make suggestions for improvement to your perfect poetry otherwise!


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Review of Writing In Images  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
And yet we are more than painters. The painter presents us with an image frozen in time which may be connected to a story but, if it's to mean anything, that story must already be known to the viewer. The writer works in images but they're a series that connect together to create story. A reader can come to it knowing nothing of the story and it's our job to let them become a part of it.

Which is why your reference to the movies is so apt. Writing and movies are inextricably linked - without a story, there's no movie. And someone had to write that story.

Now they tell us to leave out adjectives (description, in other words). Apparently, just the bare name of something is sufficient for the modern reader. Yet it's good description that creates the pictures that are remembered.

Totally agree with your premise. Well written too (but you could correct the apparent typo in "Your directing a movie on a plain piece of paper." I think you meant "you're.")


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Review of Evergreens  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this poem a great deal because it shows a knowledge of the growth and lifespan of forests. The first stanza deals with the trees already grown, standing tall and straight with very little foliage below their crowns. They are dispersed, too, not forced together, which would explain their drive towards the light amongst many others doing the same. The conclusion must be that this forest has been thinned, that the best trees have been taken and the rest left to encourage the new saplings to strive towards the sunlight.

The stanza contains all this but also allows the reader to feel the magnificence of these tall trees. The words "soaring upward," "towering remnants" and "old growth" speak of the age and beauty of these trees, and "hypnagogues" reminds of their hypnotic power as we stare upward at their crowns. Very subtly and prettily done.

Then the second stanza turns our gaze to the new growth at the foot of the older trees. We are reminded that these sprigs, struggling from the mist and undergrowth, will one day stand as tall and straight as those few around them. It's a lesson in forest management as well as a beautiful picture of a forest in renewal in the morning. Excellent stuff.


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for entry "Passion Tanka
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review of Ned's tanka, Passion Tanka.

Follows the tanka form precisely and has that clipped appearance that western minds make of oriental forms. This one has a wonderful rolling effect as it leads the reader through the experience - a touch of ignition, passion blazing up and finally rest as the fire dies down. The picture it builds is accurate, a true representation of passion coursing through our veins, and not a word is wasted or lacking in precision. The best of both approaches to poetry.

Wonderful work!


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Review of Hope  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a good evocation of how important hope is to humanity. It considers what we would be like without hope and uses simple and direct terms to describe such a state. Hope, indeed, is not for naught, for there are times when it is the only thing keeping us alive.

The rhyme scheme of second line with fourth of each stanza is simple and clear with well chosen rhymes that do not interfere with the flow of the poem. It is easy to read but repays repeated readings, with a greater depth of meaning than may appear at first.

A fine and concise little poem.


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Review of Urban myth  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
There is something about Australian outlaws that makes them seem more swashbuckling and fun than criminals of other nationalities. Ned Kelly is the most famous, of course, but this feller, Moondyne Joe (makes me wonder what Moondyne means), sounds even more of a character. Even the Wikipedia maintains his real fame stems from his escapes from custody, rather than any crimes he committed (yeah, I googled him).

You have captured well these aspects of the urban legend, which is quite an achievement within only 100 words. It's an exciting and merry tale, even though he is caught again in the end. At least he had the pleasure of sampling the local wines before that, however.

A well constructed story that communicates the charm of the actual legend.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Interesting form, adhered to with extra rhymes thrown in. I like it a great deal, especially since it communicates very well the desolation of losing a lover. It's a tight, well thought out and organised poem that tells a story as well.

My one quibble would be the transfer of the third line's rhyme to the fourth line. This is actually very clever, because it doesn't mess with the flow and, when speaking the poem, it chimes pefectly with the rest of the lines. But it may offend against a rule that isn't part of the form but you have chosen to adopt - that the rhymes come at the end of the lines.

In the end it makes me like the poem even more, it being so elegant a solution to the problem of finding a rhyme for the third line. That it demonstrates that a poem can be more important than sticking to a rigid rule is delight indeed. Add to that the fact that the word "hide" can be taken in two ways, and the line becomes the very crux of the poem.

Powerful stuff.


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Cupcakev**Balloonr* Here is a review for you as a part of our
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group Jubilee Raid! *Delight* We are celebrating 15 years as a group!
*Cake2**Balloony*


Review of Showers of Blessings by Prosperous Snow celebrating .

Initial Impression:

A fine nature poem pointing out the delights of April. The mood is upbeat and optimistic, entirely in keeping with the season.

Title:

Factual in both of its assertions. April is certainly about showers and it is right to view these as a blessing.

Content:

Not only did I enjoy walking in the garden of this poem, I also learned a few things, having to google the word "Ridvan." This added immensely to my enjoyment of the poem and gave its delights more depth.

The poem makes the important point that, without the rain, there could be no flowers or plants to create the beauty that is the garden. While not exactly revolutionary, we need to be reminded often of this fact, complaining so ceaselessly at the weather, as we do.

All the required words are included in such a way that they seem natural and not inserted purely to follow instructions. It's a point that isn't made often enough, seeing how many of our efforts are the result of contest entries.

Style:

Simple and effective. Gets its message across clearly and succinctly.

Flow/Pace:

The writing flows smoothly without undue interruption or hiccup, while the pace is entirely appropriate to the subject matter.

Suggestions:

Can't think of any. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, they say. *Wink*

Favourite line or part:

Definitely "spring,
wafting from the Garden of Ridvan,
where the nightingales of paradise sing." I learn something new every day.

Overall Impression:

Bright, uncomplicated writing that will reach a wide variety of readers. Great work!



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Beholden


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Review of Elemental  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review of Elemental by BrokenPen

Initial Impression:

The beginning of what would appear to be a fairly typical fantasy. The imagined world is vaguely medieval and idyllic, peopled by innocent humans spending much of their time in learning minor magic spells. Then their world is disrupted by a barn fire followed by news of a great storm to come. This supplies the tension and interest to persuade the reader to continue to later chapters.

It's early to say this, but I think the later story is going to have to be strong if it is to overcome the feeling that this will be much like so many fantasies that have gone before. Thus far, it needs some outstanding differences and new aspects if it is to stand out from the rest.

Title:

The title doesn't really tell us much. In this context we can take it that the story will be concerned with basic forces affecting life in the imagined world but little else. It's not clear whether this title is intended for the chapter or the book and this has some bearing on the matter. If it's intended for the chapter, that's fair enough - it deals with fire and storm after all. But, as a title for the book, I think it would need a bit more clarification before it would attract readers.

Content:

The opening scene, with Calandra and Barud practising plant spells, introduces us to two characters that are going to be fairly central to the story, I think. As such, it's right that we should spend a little time getting to know them.

In their return to the village, the barn fire is noted and they are unable to assist in its control. This has to be left to those more versed in higher magic. Once the two return home, we meet their uncle, Amrud, who was involved in the battle against the fire. Then the mysterious Salara appears in a puff of smoke to warn them of the coming storm and disappear back into the smoke. So we have some tension set up and are aware that the Tunnelers are probably responsible for this.

It's certainly enough to increase interest and entice the reader further into the later chapters. Personally, I feel a little sorry for the Tunnelers, forced to live underground and immediately suspected of starting the fire, but I'm sure this would be sorted out in subsequent chapters.

The net result is a solid first chapter that does its job of creating interest and the will to continue. I can't help feeling that the imagined world needs some arresting differences to set it apart from the majority of works in the fantasy genre, however.

Style:

You can write, that's clear. There are no errors (obviously you can edit too) and the story takes us easily from its idyllic introduction to the beginning of troubles for the future. All flows apparently effortlessly from your pen (in spite of its claimed brokenness) in everyday language that we can all get along with. The chapter is a finely produced work of art.

Flow/Pace:

Nothing wrong here, either. Starts slowly and appropriately in the fields, speeds up with the realisation of the threat of the fire and maintains the tension as news of the storm arrives with Salara. Excellent stuff.

Suggestions:

As part of making the story stand out from so many others, consider your name creating. Calandra, Barud, Amrud, Salara, they could come from any number of similar stories. Yes, they help create the slightly fairy/medieval setting but the next great fantasy is going to be the one that breaks that mould. This is just a suggestion, remember. You may not be aiming that high.

Overall Impression:

It's a good first chapter and I've probably been a little too hard on it. That comes of being a writer of fantasy myself and my longing for something different in the genre. Take what you want from what I've said and ignore the rest. It's only my opinion in the end.



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Beholden


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a heartwarming little poem, taking few words (but well chosen ones) to convey a sense of the importance of your wedding day. I've not heard before of the unpronounceable (it could only be Welsh) form it follows, but I appreciate the care that has gone into your following of it.

What really matters with rhyme in poetry is that the words chosen do not seem forced or inexact. You have achieved this admirably. Reading the poem flows quite naturally without snags or awkward pauses caused by words that don't fit. Word order is unusual at times but this serves merely to make the reader concentrate to grasp the full meaning of the words. That can't be bad, surely.

Altogether, it's a fitting tribute to the one who changed your life. May you never have to plod through an unreal life!


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Review of Niffery's Notion  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Review of Nifery's Notion by jdennis

Initial Impression:

This is just delightful, a wonderful fantasy of amusing attempts to catch a flying speck that may or may not be a fairy. It's a beautifully told tale that unselfconsciously creates a way for a jaded and jaundiced modern age to write for innocents as well as adults that yearn for childhood days.

Title:

Nicely alliterative title that prepares us for the magic we're about to experience. At first, I did wonder about it being Nifery's notion, since it was Jimmery who tried to organise their efforts. But a swift check reassured me that it was Nifery who realised that Bait had to be something that Time would desire. This was the notion that ultimately led to Time's capture.

Content:

A simple tale told with humour, a light touch and a depth that elevates the piece beyond the work of many a children's author. There is mystery added to the mix, since we are never advised what manner of creatures are Time, Nifery and Jimmery. They all appear to be winged and can fly (bringing fairies to mind) but Nifery and Jimmery are clearly much larger than Time, being able to catch the mite in their fingers. I think this refusal to commit to specific creatures is the right way to go, allowing, as it does, the reader's imagination to participate to a much greater extent than would otherwise be possible.

Then there is the matter of Queen Darella and the ominous Granreil. The Queen would appear to confirm the likelihood of fairies but Granreil remains a shadowy figure at the edge of the story. Once again, I feel that this veil of mystery is preferable to any description and identification. Never limit the child to our time-worn understanding of magical beings.

Your dialogue is excellent, a delightful insight into the world of these creatures and their understanding. The age and character of Nifery and Jimmery is conveyed easily through their speech and the reader is transported to a time and place where life was an adventure to be seized with enthusiasm. Wonderful stuff.

I can think of only one writer who produces a similar feeling of a magical and innocent world peopled by amusing and beautiful creatures. Enid Blyton was the giant of such worlds when my generation was just discovering the wonders of reading and she had the same facility for making childhood worlds real and captivating. I don't think she was ever discovered in America but, in Britain and her colonies, her books were treasured and, I have no doubt, are still fondly remembered by old fogies like me. You, sir, have that same sure and gentle touch.

You wanted me to be brutal but, as you can see, I'm having difficulty with that. This piece is so perfect that I would not advise changing anything in it. If you must have a quibble, I could mention the name of Nifery. My natural inclination is to pronounce it as Niff-er-ee, but it may be that you would prefer Knife-er-ee. That would be too sharp for this wonderful story, I think, and, if you're set on the former, you could perhaps give the name another F.

Style:

Simple, straightforward and disdainful of complication, your style is ideal for the tale. This is your world and you guide the readers through it quite easily whilst preserving the deeper things for their later reflection.

Flow/Pace:

Flows like a summer stream, takes its time yet never bores. Don't change a thing.

Suggestions:

You mentioned thinking of extending the piece. That would be cool but don't spoil it! If it were up to me, I'd be thinking in terms of writing further adventures of these two. They deserve a whole book shelf of stories!

Overall Impression:

Marvellous, magnificent, magical, and with a fine moral at the end. What more could a reader possibly ask for? It has been an honour to review it.


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Review of Holder  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of Holder: Chapter 1 by Spring in my Sox

Initial Impression:

You have identified the genre as Action/Adventure and that definitely sums up my first impression of this chapter. It is all action from the first paragraph and proceeds at a rollicking pace from there onwards. I found this to be a pleasant change from much of my previous reading (I haven't really looked closely at this genre before). Descriptions are short and limited to the most essential, which gives them no chance to interfere with the progression of the story. At the same time, the scene is adequately painted so that the reader does not feel lost in the environment. It's a good start to a novel.

Title:

The title is quite intriguing; it begs immediately the question, "Who or what is this Holder?" Obviously, the only way to find out is to read the book and that's a good thing. I say "book" because the question is not answered in this first chapter. I must presume, therefore, that this will be answered as the book progresses.

Content:

To be honest, the chapter is a little short and much is expected of it in so few words. Most importantly, it has to induce the reader to continue into later chapters. I think it succeeds in this, but only just. The wild ride down the slide is exciting and intense but it's over now. All that remains is to find out how Jacob deals with the problem of being trapped in the cave. Do we care enough about him to read on? We have spent so little time with him, after all, and much of that has been spent watching him run from werewolves and ride the slide.

There seems little care in him about the fate of his twin, Howard. His apparent abandonment of him to the wolves reveals a darker side to Jacob's character than you might wish. Unless there is more bad blood between them than is hinted at in this chapter, it might be an idea to allow Jacob a few thoughts of regret and shame about the way he left Howard to his fate.

The intent may have been to do this in later chapters but, in this first chapter, we are primarily concerned with getting the reader to keep reading. And Jacob has to be the principal mover in this - the reader has to care what happens to him. So the more we know about him, the better (provided, of course, that it's good stuff).

Style:

You are very sparing with your commas. There are times when the meaning of a sentence is subtly altered or made ambiguous by the absence of commas. For instance, in this extract from the text, I have inserted a few commas to ease understanding and flow: "The slide moved out from the wall of the canyon, turning to aim toward it. Jacop gasped, sure he was about to smack face-first into the wall. Then his eyes adjusted to the dim light of the canyon. Ahead, as in the slid (sic) was aimed right at it, there was a large opening of a cavern. He tried to slow his descent but, for all the slide looked like a rusty death trap, it was smooth."

Apart from this, you have a style ideally suited to the genre. The action progresses at a pace that does not allow the reader to become bored and you keep things simple and uncomplicated.

Flow/Pace:

Well suited to a first chapter, this piece throws us into the action without getting bogged down in descriptions or explanations. It may be a bit hectic if it continues for the whole book, but that is not our concern here. I take it that you can control things like pace and flow when suitable to the story.

Suggestions:

Just that minor matter of the commas. Try reading it aloud and noticing when you pause to take a breath or because the meaning demands it.

Overall Impression:

A very competent first chapter that grabs the readers quickly and hurries them through the action. I liked it.


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Beholden


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Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review of Just a Group of Guys in the Apocolypse (sic): Chapter One by LorenIsOneOfMyNames

Initial Impression:

I must admit that my first thought was, "Oh goodie, a zombie apocalypse." While there's a certain cynicism in that outcry, it is also a reaction to other apochryphal stories that don't have zombies. It actually makes a change to read another take on that particular scenario.

Title:

To be honest, it's a crap title. My initial comment was a bit cynical but no more so than your title. Even if you're aiming at comedy or parody (and you don't mention these as a genre), this is too tired and world weary to attract a huge readership. Generally, the shorter the title, the better, in that you need to create a question in the potential reader's mind - a question that can only be answered by starting to read. As a wild suggestion after brief thought, how about the title, "Wasted." The world is certainly wasted in this scenario and the protagonists are too. But the reader must begin to turn the pages to learn that.

Content:

It's a fairly short chapter but you achieve quite a lot with it. The scene is set, while also allowing the reader to supply plenty of what is generally understood by the term "apocalypse." We also meet the characters in your little band and begin to get to know them through their banter. Plus you have placed the prompt photograph squarely in the centre of story, thereby meeting all requirements of the contest. Well done.

The only remaining question is, "Is there enough here to induce the reader to continue?" And this is where I do have a minor doubt. Dropping the zombies into the end of the chapter is certainly bait to continue reading but, as we both know, it's a fairly tired item these days. So we must turn to the highway or the protagonists to see whether there's reason enough there. The highway is certainly tantalising in that we'd like to know where it leads. But it seems to be blocked by the zombies "right ahead" so our heroes may be deflected and never find out more about destinations.

As for the cast itself, they seem a bit argumentative and very young (remember, I am ancient so I probably don't understand these things). I need to know them better to care enough to proceed to the next chapter.

So it's a finely balanced thing.Your chosen audience may not experience my doubts but can you rely on that? We should discuss this further in the next section.

Style:

You can write and everything flows smoothly at a semnsible pace. If you have a problem, it is that you keep trying to be clever and wry and witty. It may well be a generational thing (in which case, ignore me) but there are plenty of writers who write this way and it begins to wear thin. I don't need to know how good you are at designing snappy new ways to describe things - just give me an idea and let's get on with the story.

As an example, there is this: "Corroded flesh meets dried gore and shiny bone, in some cases broken bone, leaking secretions like a faucet." Really? A bit over the top in a world inured to zombies through the creativity of the movie make-up department. Turn down the volume - we'll get the idea.

Flow/Pace:

No problems here.

Suggestions:

Hmm, I think I've made a few already. Let's leave it at that.

Overall impression:

As I said, you can write. This is a chapter that, with just a little polishing, could easily be the beginning of a highly entertaining book. I look forward to reading more of your output in the future.



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