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101
101
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Dear NickiD89 ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Under The Magnolia's Gaze"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions. This review is done because of your membership in the NAI group.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          A good opening for a memoir, but could be better, pointing more into the subject of what to expect of the story... perhaps. At least it paints a nice picture to keep interest in the piece.

What I liked Most
*Note*          When I first moved to D.C., a girlfriend warned me that 17th Street was the absolute farthest east one should ever go if they valued their life. I repressed the memory of her words the day I moved into this house, exactly two blocks beyond 17th. Mine was a neighborhood I would not walk alone in after dusk. Gunshot pops echoed across many a night.
Excellent picture painted here, complete with action of gunshots. I do think this could have been done with fewer words however. Try to think "compress" when writing, even when it's memoirs. It'll make them more memorable.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Here is another example of where you can "compress." Over the course of the next few days, I witnessed a transformation occurring in the shade of the magnolia. I watched Rob dismantle the bike frame into its miniscule components, then meticulously sand away rust and age.
Over the course of the next few days, I witnessed a transformation occurring in the shade of the magnolia. I watched as Rob dismantled the bike, frame into its miniscule components, then meticulously sanded away rust and age from each piece.
Just a thought you understand... because you "witnessed" and "watched" him back to back it becomes quite repetitive... Rust and "age" is pretty much the same thing also. I think the reader gets the idea by him simply sanding away the rust.

You have written a beautiful story, that touches human understanding of something that transcends race... the soul. If we would all look at each others soul instead of skin color, this could be a much better planet... Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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102
102
Review of I WISH, I WISH  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear Meg ;

Thank you for sharing your story "I WISH, I WISH"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Let me tell you something Meg... If you want to celebrate our Thanksgiving... You go ahead and Celebrate!

We'd love to have you aboard,
whether you eat turkey, or a nice ham,
it doesn't matter to us... we won't fuss...
because you see, it's a big food slam,
with a centerpiece as big as a pumpkin gourd!

Write On!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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103
103
Review of Tributaries  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear SWPoet ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Tributaries"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions. I am reviewing this as a fellow member of NAI group.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This is a wonderful poem, I can't see anything I would change in either version. Greatly placed on paper. Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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104
104
Review of No Boundaries  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)


Dear turtlemoon-dohi ;

Thank you for sharing your story "No Boundaries"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions. I am reviewing this piece as a member of the NAI group.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Excellent opening lines... leaves wonder.

What I liked Most
*Note*          I once thought the moonshine was a dance floor,
and the waltz would always be our light.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          When I realized Time is what it always was,
This is the only line that bothered me... "Time is what it always was?"
Where else in the verse was time established? It seems that there needs to be something in here to establish time before a statement like that can be made. But maybe... maybe I'm thinking to much in the short-story mindset here. However, all of the other paragraphs (first lines) are so well put together! I don't know... you be the judge... Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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105
105
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Petedaley ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Alternate Lives of Dictators"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good, creates interest... the reader is drawn into the story.

What I liked Most
*Note*           We took our seats in art class, way in the back again, where we were assigned. It was a considerably large class. I guess that’s why Mr. Hitler put us in such straight and orderly rows.
Nice visual.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This story gives the reader a nice look at a day in the life of a student. So much for slacking in this school... be ready to work or it's detention! Nice plot and your way of carrying it out... Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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106
106
Review of Sassy  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)


Dear warriormom;

Thank you for sharing your story "Sassy"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good opening... Creates an inviting environment to read on.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Great plot, however the story seems more to be 'told' than shown. In the paragraph about her unfortunate beginnings, it could possibly be shown how unfortunate she was, rather than simply telling that she was "exposed to a lot of violence" or "been in three other foster homes."

          Then later it could be shown how things got better, when the judge made the commitment to remove her from meeting her mother and allowing her adoption. Here is a possible example;
She just thought of her mom as a nice lady she played with at McDonald's. It frightened her to think of living with her.
She just thought of her mom as a nice lady she played with at McDonald's. She shivered with fear to think of living with her, but she didn't know why.

Just a thought. Your story is very touching, but could be better I think... Be blessed, Write On!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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107
107
Review of Pain Pain Go Away  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear NanoWriMo2018 Into the Earth ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Pain Pain Go Away"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Not only is the ‘funny’ part inaccurate, but the ‘bone’ part is wrong too!
Yes, yes; it is not funny.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          When I was younger... very young *Smile* ... We used to sit around the living room or the campfire (when there was one) and tell stories. (This was before TV and after we'd listened to our radio show.) I was extremely active when I would tell stories for my family. I had (and guess I still do) a very active imagination and I tended to use my arms and hands when telling these stories... The bad part was, I used my hands when I talked... when my story was getting so big and untruthful for anyone to believe, my arms got bigger and wider in their motions; get the picture? During those times I tended to hit my funny bones, accidentally for sure, but they would say it was on purpose, because it would bring on the biggest laugh from all the family who was listening to my tall tale. Of course, I would end up laughing too, because the pain was only temporary, and I'd never get to finish the story.
         I can't imagine this as a constant... Be blessed, and Write on!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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108
108
Review of Earning It All  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear Joy ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Earning It All"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Excellent opening, you create interest in the first sentence by leaving the reader with question about the protagonist's own discomfort.

What I liked Most
*Note*          As Janice was gazing at the plaque from the American Banker's association on the wall, her peripheral vision caught something moving near the window outside. When she turned her head she saw someone looking inside. He was a tall, blond man with a misshapen, bulbous nose, blue eyes and a stiff-brimmed straw hat like the kind people wore on boats.
This short paragraph, painted a really large picture.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This little story took me on a very long ride! Your words have come together to give us a good look at a really nice little crime story. The plot fits it well with the created characters and it is well written. Write on!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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109
109
Review of What is Truth  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: ASR | (3.5)


Dear Eric T ;

Thank you for sharing your story "What is Truth"  [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Your ability to discuss this subject with yourself, truthfully?

On a Personal Note
*Note*          If I can convince someone to believe in a truth does that make the truth real or is it only me manipulating someone to see an idea object or otherwise in the same light as myself.
If I can convince someone to believe in a truth, does that make the truth real, or is it only me manipulating someone to see an idea object, or otherwise in the same light as myself?


*Note*          Is there a difference between a truth and an opinion and who decides?
Is there a difference between a truth and an opinion; and who decides?


*Note*          If I answer a question such as what is my favorite color and I answer blue.
If I answer a question such as, "what is my favorite color?" and I answer blue.


*Note*          Does that mean I like all blues or some blues and if it isn’t all blues does that make my answer false?
Does that mean I like all blues, or some blues, and if it isn’t all blues; does that make my answer false?


*Note*          Do we answer questions in generalities to save time is that a social standard we all live by.
Do we answer questions in generalities to save time; is that a social standard we all live by?


*Note*          If my answer changes in several years does that make my previous answer to that question false, in fact does it make me a liar or uninformed of my true desire if I change my answer to say green.
If my answer changes in several years, does that make my previous answer to that question false,; in fact does it make me a liar, or uninformed of my true desire, if I change my answer to say green?


*Note*          Hello Eric, I've only attempted to correct the first paragraph here to indicate the problems you have with this essay in the area of grammar. And, I may have even flubbed up a little myself, but the point is... there are a bunch of compound - complex sentences in only this paragraph, and you have three more paragraphs written in the same manner that need correcting.

         Here is the problem, and what you must focus on. When someone is reading your document, they are trying to fit all of these words into an idea to understand what you are saying. If there are three or four ideas going on at the same time, without punctuation, they have to read the sentence over and over to pull the meaning out of what you are saying. I am as guilty at doing this than anyone else in the whole world, and I must edit myself time and time again to find these things before I post them. Then... someone still finds problems and points them out to me. Oh bother!

         You have a good idea for an essay about truth here... I know where You Can Find It! Keep up the good work, and Write On!



The Gospel BluesMan
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110
110
Review of On Hold  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Leonard ;

Thank you for sharing your story "On Hold"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Isn't it great when He finally connects with you? I've been there many times, waiting, praying, suffering, waiting... I've thought the answer would never come, and on some things it never did. But, on those things, I decided I was being selfish and not Godly in asking for... I'm thankful for everything I've received and if I never received anything else, I've already gotten more than I deserve...
         Be Blessed, and Write On!
Michael


The Gospel BluesMan
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111
111
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Dear tinkerbell ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Man of the streets"  [18+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Now you're wondering if your anyone.
Now you're wondering if your you're anyone.
Difficult to tell which 'your' is proper here but "your" implies possession. Might need rewording.

*Note*          That have gathered inside you're lonely head.
That have gathered inside you're your lonely head.
See... here he owns, (has possession of) his head... here 'your' is correct.

*Note*          Wielding unregistering eyes, that burn you with their intensity.
Wielding unregistering eyes, that burn you with their intensity.
You is not needed here... since this poem is not focused on meter, this sentence can be cleaner and more pointed without the word because you point in the following sentence.

*Note*          That have gathered inside you're lonely head.
That have gathered inside you're your lonely head.


*Note*          You've told yourself ' I can't' instead of 'can'.
You've told yourself ' I can't' instead of 'I can'.
I think you need the extra 'I' in here for emphasis on Self and the ending of the poem.

*Note*          You're face an empty shell, that folk can't bear to see.
I don't think that 'folk' is the issue here... I think that Self is the issue... maybe need to rewrite this to show how he sees himself.

*Note*          GREAT LAST LINE!


*Note*          This is a Great poem with a lot of super points to a homeless person's life. Many that they would not see of themselves normally. Great job of bringing out these points and putting them on paper. Super job! Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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112
112
Review of The Hunter  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Dear billwilcox;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Hunter"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          good opening...

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Poor Cletus... I'll bet that shot went through the deer and right into Cletus... poor poor Cletus.

Nice story, I've known a Cletus or two and thank goodness for large cities... I just quit hanging around the places where they hung out to get away from them or I'd have been tempted to do the same thing. Ding-bat yokels... never shut up... Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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113
113
Review of A REAL STINKER  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Oldwarrior ;

Thank you for sharing your story "A REAL STINKER"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good!

What I liked Most
*Note*           "We get all types in here but she is beyond doubt the smelliest one I ever encountered."
Dead Gamey!

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Our skin is covered in bacteria that constitutes 'normal flora,' and it is not to out advantage to constantly wash these beneficial bacteria away.
Our skin is covered in bacteria that constitutes 'normal flora,' and it is not to out our advantage to constantly wash these beneficial bacteria away.


*Note*          I too remember the public (lye) washtub baths; they were only public in the summer however, thank God and the little girl across the street was eeking and shrieking each time yelling to tell her momma that I was out there 'nekid.' Of course, she grew out of all of that... and later just stared... Then, her mother was the one eeking and shrieking and yelling at the little girl... then I worried about that girl. Personally, I think the lye was a disciplinary thing; it seems to have come out more when I was in trouble, or maybe when I had done something questionable. Come to think about it... maybe the whole outdoor bath was the punishment... *Blush* hmmm... we did have an indoor tub most of the time when I was growing up...

You have struck memory chords again with me OldWarrior... WriteOn!



The Gospel BluesMan
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114
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Review of The Barn  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Zook ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Barn"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good opening for a retrospective story.

What I liked Most
*Note*          if you are lucky enough, you can look into an animals eyes and see that when they look at you, they are seeing all of you, inside and out, but they are not judging.
Don't you wish people looked at you this way?

On a Personal Note
*Note*          I like the way this story flows... slowly relaxing the mind and body; except, I was almost asleep when I finished. There isn't anything wrong with this, I'm just saying the tone of your words were sweet and relaxing. There were no conflicts in the story to work out, it was simply a recollection of a nice day at the barn with the horses; and, pretty well written. In most of the story, you've shown the reader, instead of told the story and you've let us feel a little of the weather also.

I do think that it would have been more interesting if you could have found something that could have gone wrong though... well... maybe... Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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115
115
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Oldwarrior ;

Thank you for sharing your story "LET'S TALK TURKEY "  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Excellent metaphors used to prove a point!

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This is a great essay of a real problem with human society as a whole. Everyone wants something for nothing, and will jump on any "deal" which "sounds" good. Yes, most of us are turkeys, gobble and all... *Wink* Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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Review of BODY COUNT  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Dear Oldwarrior ;

Thank you for sharing your story "BODY COUNT"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          This opening line was enough to keep me reading... of course, I am an old war buff, and would read anything about the ol' Vietnam "conflict." However... as a writing critic you could make the opening line much better. This being a memoir of sorts it is really not needed, but you could start out with some action for those of us who aren't military nuts.

What I liked Most
*Note*          You could take this literally, seeing as how we dressed in tiger striped camouflage uniforms, wore long hair, seldom shaved, almost never bathed, and quite often ate the same fish stinking food as the VC (Viet Cong).
Gives us a real look at what the special operations guys really did over there. Paints a good picture!

On a Personal Note
*Note*          With exception of all of the comma's and periods being misplaced... (outside of your parenthesis,) you've written a pretty solid story here. Keep grammar in mind and it will make reading much easier for the reader.

I enjoyed the story very much! Too bad there was no venison... You have captured the realistic point of view and given the reader a glimpse into the past... Hopefully I can find more in your port to read on... Write On!


The Gospel BluesMan
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117
117
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Dear A. B. Mukoro ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Death Like a Silent Meadow"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Well... those are sad little jumbled thoughts. This was a pretty mistaken display of self esteem it seems. Anyone who can put together words like this need not worry about how someone looks at them or stares at them. They have the world by the horns!

Well written, well thought out, in order, with precise detail. Good job!

Be Blessed, and Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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118
118
Review by Bluesman
Rated: ASR | (3.5)


Dear Zebrawatch ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Fighting Fate (Terrible working title)"  [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

What I liked Most
*Note*          There was no way of knowing how long he had been running, time has no meaning when consumed by complete darkness. There is no sun to rise and set, no clocks to tell you it's quarter past three, just an ever increasing chasm of confusion and despair.
Nice suspense and visual.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          I believe your opening line is one line late. You might consider putting line two as the first line, then line one by changing the verbiage a little to make it fit. et.al.~

Escape was impossible, he knew that, but still the fear drove him on deeper and deeper into the darkness; his rapid footfalls echoed throughout the night, the desperation of their owner sounding out with every step. Where he was running to, ...


*Note*          You jumped out of the third person in the second paragraph writing an "is" when it should have been a was.
There was no sun to rise and set... no clocks to tell you it was a quarter past...


*Note*           to what glimmer of life he still had had faded eons ago.
to what glimmer of life he still had, had faded eons ago.
I don't know about the word 'eons' either... hours? I mean, had he been running in the darkness for eons, or hours? Above you say there was no sun to rise and set... but there has been no other reference to time. If this is not a person, some description should have come out before now as to what kind of creature he might be, which would allow 'eons' of life.

*Note*          ... tumbling to the floor, ...
I don't know about Oxford English, but tumbling to the floor in America would be in a building or house of some sort, for our use you would need something like tumbling to the forest floor,
Here in America, we generally use terms like... ground, leaf covered ground, or earth...

*Note*          Just as time no longer had any meaning to him, neither did direction anymore.
Just as time no longer had any meaning to him, neither did direction. anymore.


*Note*          He knew this is what he had been waiting for, the inevitable consequence of his actions had finally caught up with him and this was the end. First person once again creeping in...
He knew this is was what he had been waiting for, the inevitable consequence of his actions had finally caught up with him and this was the end.


*Note*          As the orb continued its journey towards him, he realised that all the fear had disappeared and all he was left with was a calm resignation flowing through his veins and arteries. Taking a deep breath in he stepped forward and prepared to meet his foe. I think I'd separate these sentences differently.
As the orb continued its journey towards him, he realised that all the fear had disappeared. and all he He was left with was a calm resignation flowing through his veins. and arteries. Taking a deep breath in, he stepped forward and prepared to meet his foe.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          Nice story... I want to read more. What IS he running from? Seems like it would be a nice Sci-Fi... The only real problems I saw was your tendency to step out of third person from time to time. Don't worry about this problem, it seems to be my favorite problem also... *Frown*

Hang in there and finish the story... and let me know what can run for eons? eh? Be blessed, and Write ON!... *Wink*


The Gospel BluesMan
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Review of The Bomber  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Dear Paul ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Bomber"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good opening, pushes the reader into the story.

What I liked Most
*Note*          The bus stopped, and she ran her fingertips carefully over the trigger in her pocket. “Not now,” she whispered, “not yet.”
This type sentence is used throughout, and is a good visual. It makes the reader stop and think for a moment. Excellent.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          I didn't notice any misplaced commas, or punctuation because I was reading for color and imagination. This was a well written piece with a good plot, carried out pretty nicely.

I must assume that "someone" had the reason to shoot the "bomber." We are not given this reason, nor are we shown any mistakes that the bomber made that could have given police to do this. While it was correct, we are only left to guess. This may be intentional on your part, and might be revealed in a later 'chapter' if there were one, however it sort of leaves us hanging.

Good job, Write On!


The Gospel BluesMan
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120
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Review of What is Truth?  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (4.0)


Dear Actor Kid ;

Thank you for sharing your story "What is Truth?"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Not applicable...

What I liked Most
*Note*          The ability to argue a point.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          This essay could actually be better if all ideas were broken into paragraphs for the reader. You have done a pretty good job of arguing the topics, it is the separation of the topics that makes the confusion of the piece.

         Your last point is the best one, except it is missing one concept, the absence of lies. Jesus said, I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life... If He is the Truth, there can be no lies involved with truth. Be Blessed, and Write On!!!


The Gospel BluesMan
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121
121
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (3.0)


Dear WilsonTrent ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Imagination Runs Free... Prologue"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good opening... your first sentence grabs the male reader and sends him into the story.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Suddenly he heared heard bells.


*Note*          Gary heared heard this, and a new burst of courage filled his ever-beating heart.


*Note*          Pretty nice little Prologue here. You do need to be especially careful with spelling. I think you are slacking in the description of GameOver and Gary. The only description I could see was GameOver had a twisted face, and Gary had a searing gash on his chest. One of the purposes of a prologue is to present the characters. Is GameOver white, black, blue..., is Gary ironclad muscular, muscular but wearing a kevlar suit, an alien?... these are the type of questions you need to answer in the prologue paragraph.

Other than that, this short little set of paragraphs gave a short okay little scene for someone to think about, but probably not want to pick up a book to read about. The only clues you've given us about the book are that it's violent, and it's about time travel. So fill us in a little more... Write on!

The Gospel BluesMan
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Review of Caught Up In You  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


Dear RainyDays ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Caught Up In You"  [13+] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          For a personal essay, this is an excellent beginning. If you were to write this as fiction, you would want to ham it up a bit.

I Lyke Grammer
In this section I point out a few grammar errors because it is necessary. After all it is the nature of the beast.
*Note*          Yeah I have alot of stuff I want to do, but I need to get out this pit to get this goal accocplished accomplished.


*Note*          Your all probabley probably thinking I'm a nutcase right know now, but I have news for all of you!


*Note*          I'm nezt next in line to become one, so yays for me!


*Note*          ...it doesn't help that I'm one of those girls who keeps everything to their selfs selves.


*Note*          My summer was great how about you'res yours Greg?


*Note*           Taking a seat in Geaometry Geometry, my first period class. A An 11th grade class,


*Note*          I take took out my notebook and start started doodling a beautiful, flower-filled, meadow.


*Note*           He was gorgious gorgeous! A goddess god almost, with short, slightly spiked brunette hair, sprakling sparkling baby blue eyes, and a beautifuly beautifully defined face.


On a Personal Note
*Note*          Hello rainydays, You've started a cute little story here, but it seems you stopped on a dime; just when it was getting good. There are quite a few typos, and spelling errors, I'm sure I missed a few, and if it hadn't been for these you'd have scored much better on this.

I didn't figure out the plot. You began talking about vampires and ended up talking about this god of a guy, so the plot wasn't playing out, so I'm not sure what to say. But all in all you were weaving some pretty good ideas together, and making (some) sense with the school scene. So if you were to drop the vampire stuff and go with the school scene you'd have a good plot going that you could expand on.
Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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Review of The emigrants  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (5.0)


Dear jackieboy ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The emigrants"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Good opening... sparked interest into continuing the read.

What I liked Most
*Note*          The summer sounds and scents surrounded them as she lay with her husband by the high hedge near the river. She had been lying back with her eyes closed, a piece of grass protruding from her mouth and he had gently tugged it out and kissed her. As she returned his kiss she felt his warm tears on her cheek.
Vivid scene.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Wonderful little short story. I wonder how many times families are separated to make new lives in our beloved country. Who says we aren't the best country in the world? Be Blessed, and Write On!


The Gospel BluesMan
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Review by Bluesman
Rated: E | (3.5)


Dear Coops ;

Thank you for sharing your story "Moment of Intensity"  [E] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Your opening could be better. I think if you would move the second and third lines up to the first and second, then put the first line down to the third, you will have a better opening.

I Lyke Grammer
In this section I point out a few grammar errors because it is necessary. After all it is the nature of the beast.
*Note*          Not a patch of sun peeked its head out. All of the hopeful light is being trapped by consuming, greedy clouds. Trees stretch toward the sky but get zapped back by the powerful...
This should be a new paragraph... it is a new subject about the mountain.

*Note*           My mind comes back into play.
Sentence is not needed. The entire story is your mind at play.

*Note*           I’m on a mountain with a huge cut and I can’t get down. If I don’t get down, I’m going to die of blood loss.
'I’m on a mountain with a huge cut and I can’t get down. If I don’t get down, I’m going to die of blood loss.'
Writing ML is a simple writing tool for this site. It takes a little getting use to, but is extremely easy to use. You should think of using italics for phrases that are thoughts... if not italics, then at least use 'single quotes.'

*Note*          The distorted sounds of all but faded away.
The distorted sounds of what? all but faded away.


*Note*           That’s it, I think to myself.
'That’s it,' I think to myself.
Single quotes, or italics.

*Note*          Early that morning I awake to the sound of my mother’s voice, “Were going climbing today, get your stuff ready”.
Early that morning I awake to the sound of my mother’s voice, “Were going climbing today, get your stuff ready.”
New paragraph here also... changing ideas and someone else is speaking.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Hello, it has been a pleasure reading your story. You have concocted a nice plot that goes well to the ending. I am guessing that you a very new to Writing Dot Com (WDC) and have simply uploaded your story into the system, and in doing so, lost all of your formatting. This is done by all of us. There is a window you can click when uploading that tells the system to "retain all formatting" that works pretty well when it is checked, but you still have to go in and tell Writing ML where you want italics, and font changes and such. You can get Writing ML help in the top left hand of the page after you log in under the Site Tools tab.

However, there are many places in your document where there weren't 'hard returns' so I know that there weren't paragraphs there. You do need to paragraph where there are subject changes in your story. Also, you need to paragraph during dialogue, so we as readers know that something is up! Grab hold of any novel, and take a peek at how these are formatted. It will give you a great idea on how to format your short stories.

Nice story here... Be Blessed, and Write On!


The Gospel BluesMan
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Review of The Big Race  
Review by Bluesman
Rated: ASR | (4.5)


Dear Legerdemain ;

Thank you for sharing your story "The Big Race"  [ASR] with WDC, I'm happy to have the chance to review your work! This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any or all suggestions.

Opening Line(s)
*Note*          Nice opening. Crisp, and leaving the reader wanting more.

What I liked Most
*Note*          Mr. Double-Chin headed out from the start line at an easy pace, jogging lightly on his toes. His bloated neck looked like road kill in August. About fifty yards into the race his knee gave out and sent him rolling in the grass like a half-back in the Superbowl.
Nice vivid picture.

On a Personal Note
*Note*          Nice story. Funny, and unfortunately a bit realistic?! I can hear the race being called on the radio now. It would be hilarious. Write on!


The Gospel BluesMan
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