dejavu_BIG computerprobs's (dejavu) Reviews

dejavu_BIG computerprobs

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1,413 Public Reviews Given

1,424 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I provide a detailed review that focuses on flow, storyline, characters and how the story touched me emotionally. I do not focus on grammer or provide extensive line by line edits on longer pieces.

I'm good at...

Character development, emotional content, dialogue, plot.

Favorite Genres

Horror, Dark, Action/Adventure, Thrillers, paranormal.

Least Favorite Genres

Vampire, werewolves, stories based on video games, fan-fiction.

Favorite Item Types

Fiction short stories or chapters.

Least Favorite Item Types

Essays

I will not review...

Erotica or really graphic 'slasher' type horror.

101

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#3787879

Review of The Candy Store

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Great tittle, your descriptive line enticed me into reading!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Just enchanting! Nostalgia overwhelmed me as I read about this little shop. [ okay, mouthwatering hunger hit me too...

]

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot of this little story is elegantly portrayed and it's theme of starting fresh was woven deftly into the tale.
Flow is smooth throughout, not one rough spot to be seen. I was so caught up in the story, I was shocked it had ended, would love to read more about these people and thier shop!

Characters, Dialogue:

: Both main characters are completely real and so three dimensional they leap off the page and into your heart. Swen is amazing.
Dialogue flows with ease, moving the story along like water flowing over rocks.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is astoundingly complete, detailed without overwhelming and adds so much reality to the piece, one just wants to head out and visit the shop and it's owners! Emotion is light-hearted and realistic.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
When the little girl comes in with her quarter.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
Nothing came to mind that would improve this joyful tale.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A wonderful read that lifts the spirit and reaffirms the basic goodness and joy to be found in the world.

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102

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#3787872

Review of She Talks to Angels

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Interesting tittle, descriptive line fits story content well.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: There is an underlying sweetness and sense of hope to this story that can only be expressed by a young child. It hooked me into this story, and held my interest throughout.

PLOT; FLOW;

: The plot of a mother overhearing her child speaking to someone she cannot see is well planned, it's theme of the child learning to cope with death is well portrayed.
Flow is for the most part smooth, but there is a couple of spots where you change POV's. Example; you start with mom overhearing her daughter talking., she is observing, thinking her own thoughts. Then it changes to the little girl and Angel sharing confidences about what tears are and the Angel gives permission for the daughter to share with mom, this seemed to be a slight change in pov to me.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters are nicely developed and realistic, although I would have liked to see a little more emotion from Mom, is she concerned for her child's state of mind, that someone has gotten into the yard? I didn't get a sense of truly knowing these characters.
Dialogue is believable, well presented, moves storyline ahead nicely.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery could be a little stronger, I didn't really get a sense of location or season. Is there a breeze, sunshine? Any smells, sounds other than speaking? Put the reader into the scenes.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
tears are like jewels from our love.

SUGGESTIONS;

;
back door;/ elm tree, [ added semi-colon, comma end run on sentence]
crossed over----- her face [ formatting, this is one sentence, but it looks like two with large space on top line.]
nod od affirmation, [ helps flow]
embrace, partly to hide....

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: Overall, an entertaining and enjoyable read that I recommend for all ages. [ It's nice to read another LongRidgeWritersGroup Author!

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103

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#3786355

Review of Sunday Morning

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Nice tittle, description fits story well.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: I liked the girl in this story, it's a very inspiring read.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is well executed and planned. Flow is smooth and events flow logically.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Main character is interesting, but I didn't get a real feel for her current age or lifestyle. I'd have loved to know more about her and her family.Dialogue at end could use some polishing to prevent a long run-on sentence there. Punctuation or breaking it into two would help.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is strong, it was easy to follow her on her journey.
Emotion is well done. A mix of determination and love.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
description of cemetary's feel.

SUGGESTIONS;

Most are noted above.
slab on stone...[ improves flow, less confusing.]
Give example of how she found Mother odd.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A good read, with a little more detail and slight polish, this will really tug heart strings!

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104

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#3786351

Review of Snow Angels

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Interesting tittle, description tweaks one's curiosity and creates desire to read more.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: I was impressed with the sharp, crisp writing of this piece. The story takes on it's own voice. Message is strong, woven well into the story and heart breaking.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is well planned, delivered with style. Flow is even, well paced throughout. Flashbacks are short, but full of information and well placed in the story. Events happen smoothly, didn't see the ending coming!

Characters, Dialogue:

: Main character is easy to see, one feels they have met this man somewhere before. His inner self and pain show through in his every thought. I wanted to keep reading to see how he fared.
The brief bit of dialogue is strong and clear.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is vivid, easily places reader into story's world. I liked that the senses of smell and hearing were added in. They added much authenticity to this piece.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
Flashbacks, because they let us see main character's true self.

SUGGESTIONS;

: just a couple things I thought would help tighten writing.
He blamed no one , but himself. [ no comma, one thought]
played over and over in his mind, like... [ comma here]
... change? Were Words...
poor. The ' down and out,'...[ fixes long run on sentence]
window, admiring...
into flames; babies crying, and calling...[ breaks up run on sentence with punctuation]
weakened body. He found...
straight ahead. He simply... [ tightens, ends run on sentence]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A well told and sad tale that is well worth the read.

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105

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#3783601

Review of Conversation with an Angel

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Great tittle and descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Great hook in first paragraph, opening line is strong, very visual which draws reader into story right off. My favorite line actually!

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is well planned and delivered it's message without being preachy. Flow is consistent throughout, nothing grinding or rough to throw reader out of storyline.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Main character comes across as sad, feeling self-pity but I didn't get a sense of his age, or history with his wife. Maybe add in brief memories of them together, just to give a sense of age, closeness to each other. Angel comes across well, except the ' familiar' hand gesture/ wave is a bit unclear, genereic, can you give more specific detail here?

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is very good for the most part, particularly of funeral and the room he's in. Loved the addition of rain sounds. Emotion is as above, but is he just tired or lonely, afraid of being alone?

Favorite Lines/Parts:

;
opening line.

SUGGESTIONS;

;
Ending, perhaps he could showa new sense of purpose as he prepares for this new day?
Why is his own end so sad to him? Alone, lonely, burnt out from wife's illness?
A sound, he was sure, distant... [ tightens]
glass,or wood, or and ceramic.
Maybe he should feel wife's presence as she speaks through angel?
pure beloved [ sounds more believable]
warming warm beam.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: I felt you did a good job with word choice, just need to add a little more inner feeling to husband to give reader a real sense of his feelings. Particularly at end as suggested. I really enjoyed this story, it is very thought provoking.

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106

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#3782887

Review of Fade Away

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Excellent tittle, short, catchy. Descriptive line invokes curiosity, a desire to read on.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: One feels a part of this story immediately, first paragraph is a great hook, because it incites curiosity and has readers feeling the main character is speaking directly to them. First person POV really enhances this character's predicament.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is unique and well planned. Flow is easy and natural throughout with a great beat of ups/ downs, positives/ negatives that continue the feeling you must stay with this character. Story has a smooth beat, it's own natural rythm that matches the character's personality well.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Main character is multi-layered and three dimensional. He feels like a person you'd know in everyday life. Secondary characters are well developed and placed to add to the drama and conflict of main character.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is well done, location, circumstances and changing locations within scenes are easy to visualize, adding interest, holding reader firmly in the story.
Emotion builds slowly from agitation/ annoyance to fear and panic. I felt each one along with the character.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
Ending scene for it's deep emotion and because I related to it on a deep emotional level. Perhaps we all have an inbuilt fear of this happening.

SUGGESTIONS;

: Just a few minor things I noted while re-reading;
P2; I'd It had been... [ or It'd ]
in an attempt [ missed word in blue]
P7; to tell yell after him.
begun and I already my energy...
P10; redialing my office...[ missed word]
P14; wasn't working clearly... isn't working clearly[ I'd delete second part, gives away story too much I felt]
down at my hands, shocked... [ missed comma]
get gets to hold this pen.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A thought provoking, deeply emotional story I enjoyed very much!

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107

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#3782566

Review of Out of Time

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Excellent tittle for this piece, the descriptive line incites curiosity and made me want to read the story immediately. Curiosity is a powerful draw!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: I was caught up in this story from line one, clean, crisp writing, the subject one many people fear in these times, combine to pull readers directly into the story as though they are living the experience. It's certainly how I felt.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Engaging plot with a provocative storyline. Both are well planned, authentic, well crafted. It's the little details that pack the biggest punch in this story, like the condition of the two ' unseen' co-workers. Flow is quick paced, even throughout this tale, it draws you into the story's world deeper with each line.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters are believable, multi-layered and show the natural human flaws of hind sight and trying to deflect blame. Dialogue is natural, easy to follow, moves the story foreward while filling in details on events. It gives a great look into each characters personality.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is strong, very visual. I found it easy to visualize both location and the place in time of the story.
Emotions are varied and powerfully portrayed. I could feel the defeat turn to hope and then despair, it made me want to rush in to aid the characters.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
The scene where characters discuss how and why the tradgedy shouldn't have happened.
The ending scene for it's poignancy.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
None, the story had no flaws in presentation, grammer, punctuation that I could find. A very smooth, engaging read.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: I liked being able to fully immerse myself in this world. One of the strongest pieces of writing I've read in a long time!

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108

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#3780608

Review of Homeless in the City

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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The Jack-O-Lantern: (Title, description, etc...):
Catchy Tittle and a heart grabbing descriptive line.

The Costume: (Contents):
I liked the smooth flow and well executed plot in this story. It teaches a wonderful lesson on caring and kindness by showing the perfect examples. A good mix of suspence, drama, conflict and romance in this story keep readers engaged and interested.

The Treats: (Imagery, Emotion):

Imagery is beautifully done, I could feel winters chill wrap around me as I read the opening lines, smell and taste [ sigh...] the sweetness of double mocha coffee. I could visualize Freddy's joy and pleasure at recieving gifts and feel the two main characters sadness at his passing. A wonderful tradition thier love brought about in Freddy's memory.
Emotions are vivid and varied in this piece, yet no indifference - which is a refreshing change on stories of the least fortunate.

The Tricks: (Suggestions)

:
None that could really improve this story. It will tug your heart as it is.

The Full Moon: (Overall Thoughts)
:
A heart warming, positive read that both saddens readers and lifts thier spirits at the same time, for it is a story of caring and hope. Friendship and love, exactly the recipe our world needs.

Reviewed For you By dejavu !!

109

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#3780601

Review of Dreamcatcher

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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The Jack-O-Lantern: (Title, description, etc...):
Great Tittle, I couldn't resist reading with this descriptive line!

The Costume: (Contents):
Unique, interesting plot, well planned and crafted for such a short piece. I liked the fast pace and drama of thispiece, because I love Dreamcatchers and have a number of them, I could really relate to this storyline. Making note to self- buy new dreamcatchers!

What I liked most about this story was the relaxed feeling in the opening changing to the absolute opposite feeling at the end.

The Treats: (Imagery, Emotion):
Imagery is strong, well placed throughout story. Main character is easy to visualize throughout, the dreamcatchers occupants are clearly pictured. Spooky!
Emotions are strong, from easy, relaxed to absolute terror and those feelings easily infect the reader as they read.

The Tricks: (Suggestions)

:
None, this story is smooth, crisp, clean as it stands. I loved it!

The Full Moon: (Overall Thoughts)
:
A wonderful horror read that lingers in the imagination long after the last word is read!

Reviewed For you By dejavu !!

110

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#3780208

Review of A Ghost Story

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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The Jack-O-Lantern: (Title, description, etc...)
Interesting tittle, captivating descriptive line.

The Costume: (Contents):
I was overjoyed to find a true ghost story at this time of year in particular! I really enjoyed the easy flow in how this story is told. The bits of information offered on time and ship lay-out add interest and authenticity to this story. I felt horrified at what happened to that poor man to cause his death. One can only hope it was instant.
I also enjoyed the very clear manner in which the sequence of events is laid out, with the ghost being made primary focus prior to his death. Details are woven throughout the story that allow readers to feel they are expieriencing the events.

The Treats: (Imagery, Emotion)
Imagery is detailed and excellently portrayed. Emotion is strong, done as an undercurrent in a well told matter of fact tone.

The Tricks: (Suggestions)

;
None, excellent as it stands!

The Full Moon: (Overall Thoughts)
: An interesting, chills up the spine story, with a nice touch of honour at the end. May the sailors soul be now at peace!

Reviewed For you By dejavu !!

111

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#3780206

Review of All Hallows Eve

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM "Simply Positive Review Forum " !!!

The Jack-O-Lantern: (Title, description, etc...):
Great Tittle, descriptive line really catches readers eyes and interest!

The Costume: (Contents):
A wonderfully thought out and crafted plot and storyline. The main POV was so realistic. Normal, likeable, blended right in to his neighborhood like any real life bad guy! One both likes and despises him at the same time. Secondary character- Gina- is also well crafted and likeable. One wants to cheer her on in that great twist ending.
I really enjoyed the smooth, even flow of this piece. It is dramatic, full of conflict, without gore or slasher like scenes. KUDOS!!
I felt the story worked so well because it is so possible for such a crime in life, one wishes the un-earthly justice could be afforded to all who pull off these crimes.

The Treats: (Imagery, Emotion)
Imagery is strikingly vivid, one has no problem stepping into the scenes.
Emotion is powerful and woven carefully into the story for maximum impact.

The Tricks: (Suggestions)

Typos- spelling errors to fix...
rested a large double... [ missed word in red]
doorbell ring rang
greeting greeted
checked check

The Full Moon: (Overall Thoughts)
A spooky, yet charming Halloween tale that lets imaginations soar!

Reviewed For you By dejavu !!

112

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#3777818

Review of And Then There Were Two

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

I liked the title of this story, it creates interest in the reader. Descriptive line fits perfectly.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: I was caught up in the story instantly when I learned it was Canadian WW1 story. Interestly, I had an aunt who married into money and was called Mrs. Williams shortly after WW11- added to my intrique. I liked the crisp, tight writing of this piece, no wasted words and learning how a woman of old money would cope to the war. I was a little surprised, thinking it might have been more devastating to finances and fashions.

PLOT; FLOW;

: An interesting and well planned plot, lots of conflict and romantic intrigue. Flow is good overall, but a few places read a little roghly and were confusing until later in the story. The first appearance of Grace while Marilyn is with her fiancee, for example. Marilyn being Mrs. Marshall at first although engaged was confusing. Why is Rodney and his new wife also referred to as Mr and Mrs Marshall when hepicks up Grace, yet Marilyn is still Mrs. Williams after marrying Patrick? [ First sections]
There are just a few other places where flow is hard to follow with abrupt ending of sections, for instance when Ivan appears in parlour with his dad and Marilyn is upset but says nothing. Thier seeming attraction, yet Ivan chooses Abigail- even though at train station, he's sad Abigail is one there...

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters are interesting and well portrayed, but hard to keep straight whom is whom, lots appear to have first or last name of Marshall, including Marilyn's chauffer.
Dialogue is well delivered and sounds realistic, but I felt some sections might benefit from more dialogue, character interaction. [ It would also be interesting to ' read' one of Patrick's letters home.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is good, but what about the less rich, or the town itself, does it change as the war progresses? I didn't get a strong sense of location itself. Emotion is strong in some parts, when call to service letters first arrive, the dance, but not really strong when Marilyn learns of her husband's death, what about Graces feelings/ reactions?

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
The scenes with Ivan and Marilyn at and leaving the dance.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
Section 3-P1: she couldn't bare bear it...
two nurses and a volunteer [ missing word here]
fuzes fuses
void inside. and simply hadn't a care in the world... [ doesn't feel believable after all she's been through. doesn't care maybe?
Why is Abigail's heart dying a slow death when Ivan's father and friend arrive?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: The start to an interesting, well penned story about WW1 and people who lived in those times.

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113

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#3776304

Review of The Bargain

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Great tittle and description.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Clean, crisp style of writing that makes it easy to keep reading. Interesting characters.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Interesting plot that seems well planned. Flow is smooth throughout, but storyline could use clarification in a couple spots, see suggestions.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Interesting characters and they fit well in thier world. Each has a distinct voice and personality.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Nice visual imagery. Emotion is good, but not as strong as one would expect with such strong characters.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

Opening paragraph.
When he speaks to Cyprion.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
soft breeze whispered softly...willow, and it's ends...[ tightens]
nothing turned out up yet. [ or try revising; but no evidence had turned up yet.]
Clarify here; what's forbidden, seeing himself?
I'd add a bit more about Gah'rein and Cyprian's lost friendship, what caused it?
Ending is confusing, did he betray Cyprian or kill him outright?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: An entertaining read that I felt had great potential for becoming a longer story.

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114

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#3775879

Review of Hallow - what?

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

Cute tittle, good descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: I loved the humour in this piece, also the feeling of nostalgia it brought back to another Canadian!How I remember those seemingly endless, frozen treks.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Well delivered plot, very nostalgic of a more innocent time. Flow is well paced throughout, although a bit of added punctuation would smooth rough edges.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Main character was believable, memorable in her personality. Others played well with her role.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Good visual scenes. Emotion was well placed, but could have been a touch stronger in character response.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
Mom's wonder at where they hoped to visit in location.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
Mainly just the ones above, although Ifelt mom might have planned a little treat for kids when they returned.
P2; to think about, but that's adults...[ missed comma]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A sweet, entertaining Halloween story for all ages, without blood or gore!

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115

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#3774831

Review of Digital Wench

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Great tittle for this piece. Description is good, short and sweet.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Definately not what I was expecting to read, but the humour and pure fun of this little story kept me reading and laughing throughout! I was sad when it ended, I wanted to know more about this world!

PLOT; FLOW;

: Well developed and executed plot that surprises and delights. Flow is on target, smooth and with events in logical sequence. No rough spots that take reader out of story.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters are well developed and original. I particularly enjoyed the therapist. Dialogue is realistic and moves story along with flair.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Well done imagery included as action/ dialogue add humour and interest to this story. Dialogue is well done, realistic for most part, see suggestions.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
When thereapist is revealed as to who/ what he is.
Husband's final encounter with wife.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
I felt the story could be enhanced if the ' thereapist' showed a little more emotion at being ' caught', maybe stuttered a little, or ried talking his way out some? A little less abrupt and conspicious.
I also felt just a touch of dialogue with Husband from thereapist to re-consider his actions, or very brief comments from wife in parking lot could add drama.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A completely engaging, charming story of married life in a future technological world!

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116

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#3774817

Review of The Sun

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Interesting tittle and very catchy descriptive line!

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: I really enjoyed the crisp, clean writing in this story. Mythology is a favorite genre of mine. I really enjoyed the feeling behind this story and wish it had been a longer, more detailed piece.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is well planned, I like the premise of good vs. evil. Flow is good, very smooth.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters are interesting, but I felt readers would identify with this tale more if the girl had a name, and you showed the carnage fear created through action/ dialogue. The battle between the girl and Fear could have much more impact as an action scene, you might even include some dialogue there.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is detailed, very visual. The potential for great emotion being transferred from story to reader engagement exists in spades! You just need to ' show' things happening, rather than using all narrative to simply tell the story.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
When girl realizes what Fear is. When she joins the stars.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
shined shone so bright...
You have the potential for a truly incredible Fantasy story here, so much conflict and drama! This would be very compelling if you used action scenes to show Fear's rampage of terror and the girl's battle with him. Can you show the light radiating from within her? Through her eyes, hair, an aura? Is there anything in the folklore myth that you can use to build on? Another close myth maybe? Which star constellation does she become? This could also be her name...
Just a few thoughts I had, this would be so incredible as a longer piece.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: An enchanting story of humanity and an unlikely, but believable saviour!

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#3774804

Review of Motherhood

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Great Tittle, interesting descriptive line that gives glimpse of story content. Invites curiosity well.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Your main character is so detailed and alive that I felt instantly connected to her! My heart ached for her as she struggled to cope, never losing her sweet disposition. This is a woman I have both been and known in real life.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Excellent plot, well planned and executed. You show us by actions how this Mother's life really is. I liked the smooth, easy flow of this piece. It is melodic and varied - which easily pulls the reader into her life.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Main character is every mom, young or older. She is realistic, three dimensional and just makes one want to jump in and help her. Baby and Toddler are also very true to life, particularly the new born. Dialogue is well placed and crisp. Inner dialogue takes us on a journey through the characters world.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is detailed without being overpowering. I like how you use sound and feeling to show readers her world, rather than simply ' telling' in long, narrative flows. Emotion is powerfully shown in actions, thoughts. Silent tears create a very powerful emotion on thier own.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

: So many to choose from...
Opening paragraph for it's hook and detail.
Closing line for it's truth and powerful imagery.

SUGGESTIONS;

: Just thoughts that occurred as I read.
P1; the silent tears [ deleting ' the' tightens story]
thought [ try ' knew/ felt.. nobody does see she cries, more dramatic?]
So She wept...[ tightens]
from hearing, and all... [ comma here aids natural pause]
P2; dinner had been put away, but...
stove. The floor...[ making two sentences stops so many long, run on sentences.
Paragraphs three/ four could work as one paragraph, continued thoughts from P2, P5 starts new scene.
Closing Paragraph; Exhaustion took over. and She fell asleep, wondering,
once more. for She knew...[ tightens, adds tension as she feels it]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A warm, enchanting tale of Motherhood from the side most people forget to see.

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#3772859

Review of Developing a Novel-Writing Process

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

I liked the easy, conversational tone of this article. It is like sitting down with a friend over coffee and trying out new ideas to help move your career foreward. A number of areas of the writers lifestyle are covered, very good for beginners and as a refresher for old hands as well. Written in simple, direct terms, this is an excellent tool for younger writers as well. I particularly liked the tips in; ' Creating A System', and ' When Things Get Tough.' The second was very pertinent to my life right now, it gave me much hope that things will get easier. Two other bonus areas of this piece are book recommendations to aid writers, and a list of links to tools one can purchase for reasonable prices for more help in specific areas of interest. Nicely written, thought provoking and full of gentle encouragement.

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#3772847

Review of If You're Broken Hearted

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

I enjoyed the slow, melodic rythm of this poem. It is very easy to connect to the narrator, feel what she feels, see through her eyes. I also liked the dark, macabre feel this poem inspires in it's readers, shivers were running up and down my spine. There's almost a primal feeling one gets while reading this poem. Imagery is strong and vivid, making it easy to step into this lonely, broken world. Emotions of despair, pain, confusion, and a desperate hope come across strongly. I did feel there was just a couple of places where a little added punctuation would keep each verse in sync with each other, while adding a stronger feel of dark melancholy to the piece.
Verse One, Line three; to greet, reads aloud smoother as ' will greet'
Verse Three, Line One; commas after ' do' ' have' give added dramatic feel here.
Verse Seven, Line Two; comma after ' chest' [ natural pause in rythm, lets readers absorb atmosphere.

A well written, strongly emotional poem that I enjoyed very much!

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#3772401

Review of Traffic Lights

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Good tittle for story, interesting description, invites curiosity.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: I was caught up in this one from the start, the further I read, the more I wanted to read. I was propelled into the characters world.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Excellent plot, fresh, different, well planned and delivered. Flow is smooth, events follow in sequence and keep reader involvement high.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Norton's character is charming, eccentric and highly likeable. Jackie is also compelling, I felt instantly protective of both. Secondary characters play off nicely against them.
Dialogue is strong, believable. Internal dialogue is well presented, fills in many facts nicely.I did feel some of the narrative could be transformed into Norton speaking aloud to Jackie and making up her answers in his head.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is strong, vivid, great sense of location. Emotion is high and consistent for each character.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
Description of trees after accident.
The twists throughout middle and ending of story.
Ending.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
This really feels like it wants to be a longer piece, one wonders what happens after the telephone call, does Norton suspect who called him?
wrapped itself endearingly around .... [ endearingly doesn't really seem to fit or make sense here - the reast is too horrific]
How did Norton find out her name?

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A charming, thought provoking read that I enjoyed greatly. Would love to read more about these characters!

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#3772395

Review of White Top Mountain

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Great tittle, description is good.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Great premise to this story, I liked the attention to description, but after a bit, you rather lose the reader in detail. Can you add more action? Tighten your description for a faster pace, show us the monster!

PLOT; FLOW;

: Great plot and storyline. Flow is good in event sequence, but needs some revision and tightening to create a stronger dramatic arc.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Mr. Sutherland is compelling, I felt very sympathetic towards him, but not emotionally invested because I didn't feel I really knew him. Monster is well thought out, but can you let readers ' see' more of it attacking in the end? Dialogue is realistic, but again, needs tightening - less detail, use threat, action to chill readers.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Fantastic imagery, but I'd revise to tighten it to the key / relevant areas, too much narrative detail is an info dump that loses readers interest. Try some shorter, sharper sentences as well.
Emotion is strong, but drowned by detail overload, let us see through Mr. Sutherland's eyes, hear through his ears.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
Opening paragraph, first appearance of monster.
Ending.

SUGGESTIONS;

:
bodies in the gallows on the [ too much detail, overpowers itself]
cheeks seamed seemed to always stay rosy. [ I'd revise this line; His seamed cheeks were always rosy.
to finally slam. [ tighter]
timid wiring warning
He stood there for awhile.... [ Revise tighten sentence and paragraph; Thought;
He stared at the blinking light until the phone piereced his thoughts, startling him. Sutherland jumped, stomped over to answer it.
[ Why is he so afraid of the phone? Add more detail through his thoughts, reactions to clarify this]
like breathing. Breathing hissed through the speaker.
scared slightly. was terrified.
said in merely a whisper. whispered.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A great chiller of a story, with some editing, revising, polishing, it will be an incredible read!

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#3770704

Review of Just $29.95

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Great Tittle, strikes immediate interest, different. Good description.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: One is immediately caught up in Rick's world. Good blending of humour and spookiness in this piece.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is well thought out and delivered. Storyline is unique and flows well right up to the last line.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters are three-dimensional and each has thier own unique voice and speech/ thought pattern. Rick is compelling and I felt I was there in the living room watching him.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is graphically well done, particularly near the end, gave me shivers! Emotion is good, but I felt it could be a little more detailed when Rick begins acting with the commercial. Maybe a bit more surprise at feelings, reality of dream, etc.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

: When Rick begins talking to man in commercial.

SUGGESTIONS;

Just note above and I felt the end line was a bit rushed and blurry as to outcome. [ probably just me]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A crisply written, enjoyable read that I liked very much!

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123

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#3769699

Review of Just a Walk in the Dark

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Great tittle and descriptive line.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Easy to feel empathy for the main character, although he seems a touch pompous at first.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is interesting and entertaining, well thought out, storyline flows very well.

Characters, Dialogue:

: POV Character is realistic, three dimensional, easy to visualize. No dialogue to mention, but internal dialogue is good.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is good, easy to see locale, events. Emotion is well presented, although more showing than telling would add some extra drama.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
Rules for dog-walking at night!

SUGGESTIONS;

:
I'd suggest adding some dramatic areas where you show reactions to break up the long narrative a little.

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: Overall, a funny and enjoyable read that just needs a slight check-over for punctuation and very slight revision to really sparkle.

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#3769697

Review of The Day

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Good tittle for story, good description, gives hint of storyline.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: Humour and tragedy are hard to blend, but this piece makes it look easy!

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is well thought out and presented with style. Flow is smooth, easy to follow and keeps events chronologically in order.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Characters, particularly main character are three-dimensional with strong, distinct personalities. Dialogue is crisp, realistic, pulls reader into POV's world.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Strong, detailed imagery brings the story alive. Emotions are strong, making it easy to step into the world of this piece and feel the joy and sorrow as characters feel it.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
Andy trying to get into those pants!

SUGGESTIONS;

a an ear piercing shriek... [ typo]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: A strong, dramatic story with a bittersweet ending.

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125

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#3769695

Review of Myth or Truth

Review by dejavu_BIG comp...

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most importanly, Keep Writing!

TITTLE, DESCRIPTION;

: Interesting Tittle and great descriptive line that invites reader interaction from the start.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

: A vivid, life-changing event that changes a young life forever. Holds reader interest well with compelling characters and easy to relate to events. Small details in characterization and locale add authenticity and realism to this great story.

PLOT; FLOW;

: Plot is well planned and delivered. Flow is smooth and easy throughout.

Characters, Dialogue:

: Realistic, easy to see, they pull you into the story with them and let you feel thier thoughts and emotions, see life through thier perspective. Nicely done! Dialogue is limited, but internal dialogue is smooth and moves story along well, providing insights and a personal view into main characters reality.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:

: Imagery is strong, filled with small details that set the time and locations very strongly. Deep emotion throbs throughout the piece.

Favorite Lines/Parts:

:
When the young man imagines the ring went to be on a deserving finger.

SUGGESTIONS;

: Just a couple, mainly cosmetic typos, so they don't affect the story or my rating.
love at first sight, but a myth... [ word addition makes need for a question mark after ' sight' unecessary, smooths flow.]
sight, blind [ no comma really needed here]
girl, in [ no comma]
what is she hiding thinking... [ he's still curious and trusting here]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;

: An excellent read that kept my attention throughout.

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